Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - BITESIZE | How to Be Your Own Therapist | Dr Julie Smith #379

Starting point is 00:00:00 Today's Bite Size episode is brought to you by AG1, a science-driven daily health drink with over 70 essential nutrients to support your overall health. It includes vitamin C and zinc, which helps support a healthy immune system, something that is really important at this time of year. It also contains prebiotics and digestive enzymes that help support your gut health. It's really tasty and has been in my own life for over five years. Until the end of January, AG1 are giving a limited time offer. Usually they offer my listeners a one-year supply of vitamin D and K2 and five free travel packs with their first order. But until the end of January, they are doubling the five free travel packs to

Starting point is 00:00:51 10. And these packs are perfect for keeping in your backpack, office, or car. If you want to take advantage of this limited time offer, all you have to do is go to drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 263 of the podcast with Dr. Julie Smith, a clinical psychologist and author of the bestselling book, Why Has No One Told Me This Before? Julie is passionate about making the tools of therapy accessible to all. And, as with all of Julie's tools and teachings, the common theme is self-awareness. In this clip, we discuss how to start developing this

Starting point is 00:01:47 important skill and Julie shares a powerful tool to help us look after our happiness and mental well-being. There's a kind of rich tapestry of emotions and feelings that are part of normal life. So this idea that we don't always have to act on those feelings, this seems to be a key idea that I see in a lot of your work, that thoughts and feelings, they come and go, don't they? They're not fat, we don't have to act on them. Yeah. And, you know, we have a feeling that and it'll come with an urge. So you'll have an urge to do something or do a certain act, but you don't have to go with it. So I don't know if you wake up in the morning and it all feels too much and you have that urge to just pull the duvet over, go back to sleep and switch your phone off, hide away from the world. You could go with that urge and you're likely to kind of feel terrible at the end of the day or you could act opposite to that urge and push through

Starting point is 00:02:51 that moment with the possibility that once you were up and about you could feel a bit better or a bit different and and often in therapy we'll play around with that idea that okay so when you went with that urge what happened how did you feel after that and when you went with that urge, what happened? How did you feel after that? And when you went opposite to it in another situation, what did that lead to? And so you can kind of learn as you go by just reflecting on these sorts of experiences. I love the idea of a kind of a basket. So, you know, you have all of these different aspects of your experience, but they're really like weaves in a basket. And we don't experience each weave, we experience the basket. In therapy, what we do is we start taking it apart and we look at the different aspects

Starting point is 00:03:27 and the sort of minute detail of different experiences so that we can see where we can make different choices. A lot of us, we act on our urges. We don't want to get up, so we just stay in bed. We feel like some sugar, so we go and open the cookie jar. But a lot of your work is helping us understand that actually, you don't have to act on that urge. How can people, I guess, train themselves or teach themselves that they don't have to? Because I think for some people, that's like a deep realisation

Starting point is 00:04:07 that I feel this way and I don't have to do it. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I mean, that's taught in dialectical behaviour therapy, so DBT, but that's a very specific therapy that's for people who perhaps have unsafe coping strategies and things like that. So it's not really freely available to lots of people,

Starting point is 00:04:24 but it is one of the skills that is taught in that therapy is to build your awareness of urges and practice not going with the urge, but doing something that's based on your values instead of the feeling. So, you know, you can play around with that in lighthearted ways. In the book, I talk about, you know, when we were kids, my sisters and I used to get a packet of polo mints and the trick was, you know, you hold it in your mouth and who's going to crunch it first? You've got to not crunch the polo. And there's this incredible urge to kind of crunch the mint. And really, it's just a lighthearted way of demonstrating that you can have this urge to do something.

Starting point is 00:04:59 Sometimes it's excruciating not to go with it. It's really hard. And other times it's easier. But you can kind of really play around with it in terms of building your awareness with those lighthearted things. You know, you fast forward to today and I was saying to you earlier, you know, just got back from holiday and I've had a lifelong fear of heights. And because I live in a small town, there's no built up areas and I don't get the chance to challenge it on a regular basis. So whenever I do, the feeling always comes back.

Starting point is 00:05:26 And we went on holiday and we are going up these really high buildings. We went up the frame in Dubai and it's so high. And I'm determined not to pass on that fear to my children. So I did a huge practice of acting opposite to the urge because my urge is to say, no way am I doing that. I am not going up there. I'm going die um I had to kind of hold on to that not go with that urge and and go along with it but also when we're in that situation and we you know go up in this lift and we come out and

Starting point is 00:05:55 there's a glass floor and oh god you know and just I'm the the stress is is high And my kids are running around on this glass floor and enjoying it, not a fear in sight. And so my urge to quickly get to the other end, get in the other lift and go down again, I had to hold back, hold back, hold back. And, you know, you practice with those lighthearted, you know, don't quench the mint exercises. And they do start to translate into, hang on, I know I can do this. I know this is an urge. And I know that I don't have to go with it. And so I was determined in that situation not to be the person to say, let's go, let's go. But just to hold on to that fear, practice my breathing and stuff like that. Yeah. And to keep my stress response down.

Starting point is 00:06:41 And it worked. It helped hugely. That's a very powerful example. I guess the key thing for me there is that you don't practice this for the first time when you're at the top of a building, right? In that fear states. It's kind of what are the kind of low risk activities in day to day life that you can practice so that in that real life scenario, you can now implement in a different way. So apart from sucking a polo mint, what are some other ways that people can try and practice that? And is this what you talk about in the book? There's a term I'm not familiar with, metacognition. Does this sort of fit in here? So that metacognition is the sort of core sort of method used in psychological therapies, really. So, you know, your brain has the ability to think and have thoughts.

Starting point is 00:07:28 But it also has this incredible ability to think about the thoughts that we're having. So we can be in this conversation talking to each other. And there can also be this other part of your mind that's kind of watching the conversation and thinking about the things that are being said. that are being said. And that's the sort of ability that we really tap into in therapy, so that we can reflect on experiences, look at them with a bit of a bird's eye view, then you get this, this degree of sort of diffusion from your thoughts. So you can kind of see them for what they are. I talk in the book about, remember the movie The Mask with Jim Carrey, and he kind of has finds this old wooden mask, it doesn't look like anything. And when when he puts it on it kind of grips him on the back of the head it affects everything he does everything he thinks but when he takes it off and he holds it just at arm's length it's just a mask

Starting point is 00:08:13 again and I think of thoughts as as like that you know when when it's here and it's all you're looking at then it's really hard to have any degree of kind of control over that. Instead, it will control you. So it will impact on how you feel and how you act. But when you get a bit of distance from your thoughts, you go, oh, yeah, gosh, that's really, that's a lot of self criticism right there. It takes some of the power out of it, just by holding it on its length. So you don't have to not have negative thoughts you just have to give yourself a bit of perspective on them and hold them back and see them for what they are yeah i love that one of the funnest parts of the book for me was when you described you as a trainee clinical

Starting point is 00:08:56 psychologist and you guys were being taught mindfulness and i think you were talking about how skeptical you were you thought there's no way i could do this. There's no way I'm going to talk about this with people who come to see me and help. And then you explained how you once went running and how it completely changed your perspective on it. So maybe let's dive into mindfulness. What is it? Why were you so sceptical? Tell us about that run. And how is it useful for people?

Starting point is 00:09:23 Because it seems to fit in here, which is this idea of you can observe those thoughts and not necessarily act on them. I think mindfulness helps with that, doesn't it? Yeah, absolutely. Mindfulness is that process of staying in the present. So observing the thoughts that come into your mind, not trying to stop having any. A lot of people think that mindfulness

Starting point is 00:09:42 is the ultimate in concentration. And if you, I don't know, if you're trying to be mindful of this glass, that the minute your attention is not on that glass, you've failed and you've got mindfulness wrong. And it's really not that. It's, you know, your mind will wander to this thought and that thought, and it'll bring up stories and memories and it'll hear the car outside or that kind of thing. Mindfulness is noticing that your mind has gone somewhere and then guiding your attention back. So I love to think of mindfulness as a spotlight. So if you say, you know, your mind is a theater and actors are, you know, your thoughts. So different actors

Starting point is 00:10:19 will come on stage. You can't control who's coming on stage or how long they're going to be there. But all you have is the spotlight and you can choose which ones you're going to focus on and for how long and so mindfulness is that process of choosing what you're going to focus your attention on and allowing everything else to come and go and yeah when we were trainees and it's it's almost embarrassing now to even think that that we behave like. You know, we were supposed to be so open minded. But it really makes you think, this is really difficult stuff to teach people, because it does give you that sense of, well, this sounds really weird, and not helpful at all. And I absolutely had those judgments in the beginning. And, and it was only once I started using it, that I had that, oh, right, yeah, this is helpful moment.

Starting point is 00:11:09 Before that run, which you speak about in the book, where it really seemed to showcase to you what mindfulness was, had you planned before that run, right, okay, I'm going to have a mindful run now? run right okay I'm going to have a mindful run now or was it just I've gone for a run because that's how I unwind and oh I oh I get it oh this is what this what you know tell me a little bit about that experience yeah so it was exam season stress was high I was just full of kind of oh should we do this I've got to do that when I get back and I could feel the stress and um I thought you know I'm just gonna try I'm just gonna see if know what, I'm just going to try. I'm just going to see if this will help. I'm just going to, you know, try and be mindful. So I focused my mind on the sound of my feet on the gravel path,

Starting point is 00:11:53 which is that crunching and crunching and crunch sound as I went along. And my mind left that sound a thousand times. You know, I would think, oh, that email I got to reply to, or I need to do more revision on that. And I haven't added that to my, you know I would think oh that email I got to reply to or I need to do more original than that and haven't added that to my whatever oh you know my mind went off to lots of stressful things and each time I just brought it back and and because I was moving my body and I was outdoors and there was lots to bring me to the present and the sound as well of my feet on the gravel I was able to keep doing that and And then by the time I got back,

Starting point is 00:12:25 I noticed that I had spent that run focusing on the present. You know, obviously there were these little moments where my mind would go off, but actually I had more time feeling calmer and focused on the here and now than I would have done if I'd have just gone through my to-do list while I was running. And that's when I thought, oh yes, I had these little micro moments of peace. And actually, mindfulness isn't about making you feel calm and peaceful. It's not a relaxation exercise. It's practicing that sort of mental muscle, if you like, to be able to choose which thoughts you're going to pay attention to and which ones you're going to let pass. And that is an incredible skill to be attention to and which ones are going to let pass and that is an incredible skill to be able to utilize i've heard you say that if there was one practice you could prescribe to everyone

Starting point is 00:13:12 in the world it would be journaling what is it you like so much about journaling and are there some universal practices that yes we're all unique we've all got different preferences but are there some things that you found time and time again that always seem to work with people and it i guess is journaling one of them yeah and you know i guess for people who are able to access things like therapy or counseling and go to see someone and and see that as something that's possible to them it's fantastic and there is so much potential in that but there are also this huge group of people that don't see that as an option for them. Maybe, maybe they're just not able to talk about things. And so that's really where the idea of, you know, for everyone, actually journaling is an option. And even when I think about back when I

Starting point is 00:13:56 was really young, anytime that I felt kind of full of emotion or something that I wasn't really clear on or able to understand, I would write stuff down. And I would always have that experience of you write for long enough and you get this kind of, oh, yeah, a bit of clarity on it. And actually, the process of just putting something down on paper is a helpful way to sort of diffuse from the thoughts. You know, we talked about kind of taking the mask off and just holding it at arm's length. If you kind of, you know, get your thoughts out onto a page, you can see them for what they are sometimes. And just that process is helpful in itself. If someone's thinking, okay, I want a journal, how can they start? Have you got any sort of helpful ideas for people in terms of what are they going to start writing? Yeah, well, you know,

Starting point is 00:14:41 something that we often kind of talk about in in therapy when we're getting people to sort of reflect on experiences is we just start by you know talking in hindsight about what happened what happened yesterday and and then we begin to tease it apart so it that might start with a he said she said or i did this and i felt that and a therapist will always try to get you to distinguish between what you thought so the kind of words or pictures in your head and how you felt and where where you felt that feeling in your body and you know the physical sensation of that and and what that's doing is is sort of teasing apart know, we talked about the weaves in the basket and you experience something as a whole. And then it's really hard to see the wood for the trees and think about, well, you know, I don't know why I then did that thing that I did next. And so you kind of trace it back and look at what did I feel?

Starting point is 00:15:39 What did I think? What were the urges? And did I go with that or did I go against that? And what was the impact of that so really just kind of teasing apart the different aspects of your experience to look at which parts influenced each other so when my mind is focused on the worst thing that could happen how do I tend to feel and when I'm focused on feeling excited about something that I'm going to enjoy you know how does that impact how I feel there's no kind of set specific thing that is going to make journaling a success and make you do it right I would say just reflecting on experience and

Starting point is 00:16:20 trying to break it down to detail will begin that process of seeing connections between things. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening. This episode was the last bite size of the season. If you are a longtime listener of my show, you will know that every summer I take a break from the podcast for six weeks. Why do I do that? Well, my wife produces each week's show. I spend a lot of time researching and having these conversations. And over the summer, it's really important for us as a family to take some time off so we can really spend some quality, undistracted time with our children over their summer break. There is one more long form conversations come next Wednesday. We finish

Starting point is 00:17:05 off the season with a very special episode. Of course, I'll be back at the very start of September with the Wednesday full length conversations and the Friday bite-sized ones. If you have enjoyed my podcast, if you've enjoyed these bite-sized episodes, I'd really appreciate your help in spreading the words. My request to you this summer is if you found my podcast useful, if you found it valuable in your own life, would you consider sharing an episode of this podcast with five different people? My goal with the information on the show each week is to inspire and empower as many people as I possibly can. And you guys can help me do that.

Starting point is 00:17:45 If you help me spread the word together, we can help spread this message of positivity, compassion, and health. Thank you so much for your support this season. I hope you have a good summer, and I will see you at the start of September, ready and raring to go.

Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - BITESIZE | How to Be Your Own Therapist | Dr Julie Smith #379

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