Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - BITESIZE | How to Find Your Happy Place | Fearne Cotton #331

Starting point is 00:00:00 Today's Bite Size episode is brought to you by AG1, a science-driven daily health drink with over 70 essential nutrients to support your overall health. It includes vitamin C and zinc, which helps support a healthy immune system, something that is really important at this time of year. It also contains prebiotics and digestive enzymes that help support your gut health. It's really tasty and has been in my own life for over five years. Until the end of January, AG1 are giving a limited time offer. Usually they offer my listeners a one-year supply of vitamin D and K2 and five free travel packs with their first order. But until the end of January, they are doubling the five free travel packs to

Starting point is 00:00:51 10. And these packs are perfect for keeping in your backpack, office, or car. If you want to take advantage of this limited time offer, all you have to do is go to drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 230 of the podcast with my good friend Fern Cotton. Fern has been a talented and high profile star on UK television and radio since the age of 15. But living life in the spotlight has really taken its toll. In this clip, she shares her eye opening experience of fame and why she believes that self-compassion is the key to living an authentic life. So many of us are held back by who we believe we are because of the past. We've built

Starting point is 00:02:02 up this picture that's just layers of paint and we believe that all of it makes us who we are today. And I don't believe that's true. Knowing my own past and the things that I found very tricky and the things that have stopped me in my tracks, I can't bring all of that into who I am sat here today in your house. What's the point? I'm not the same person I was back then. I cannot lug that shit around anymore. It's too heavy. A lot of people will see you and think, well, she's got it all, right? She's been on telly. She's presented a big Radio 1 show. There can be a perception sometimes, which is I think it's so powerful the way you do share your struggles. I think it is very, very, it's just reassuring for people to go, oh, wow, are we even struggling with that? It makes people feel better, I think, in some way

Starting point is 00:02:56 that, oh, I'm not alone in my struggle. Because people do think, when I'm successful, when I've got that job, when I've got that pay rise, when I can afford a nicer car, I'm going to be happy? Yet we see countless examples of people in the public eye who have ticks off all those boxes, yet are really, really struggling on the inside. We've seen this happen countless times. So we know that equation doesn't work. And I get it. countless times. So we know that equation doesn't work. And I get it. I will look at shiny people in Hollywood and think, oh my God, they must have the most amazing. I fall into that trap, of course. It's all relative, isn't it? It is. And also, I understand it because, and also we have to be real here. If you're under

Starting point is 00:03:41 the poverty line, of course, having enough money to feed your kids, to have your heating on is going to make a huge difference to your wellbeing. But when we look at general happiness and feeling well, mentally, physically, whatever it is, having a nicer car or, you know, back in my twenties, I did used to feel judged on what I was wearing. Like this is a real shallow example, but I felt like I had to be ahead and like with the trends and what, you know, what designer would want to give me clothes or whatever. I mean, that to me, I can't even understand my own thinking on that one. I'm so far from it these days, but I thought if I looked a certain way, I would feel better. People would accept me more. People would see me as a shiny, brilliant person. You don't feel it inside still if you're

Starting point is 00:04:29 going through stuff. Now I wear pretty much the same jeans every day. I wear trainers every day. I don't give a crap about all of that stuff because I know it doesn't work. That's a really silly, shallow example. But I think we can so easily look at people wearing designer clothes on the red carpet, la la la. Oh my God, being on a red carpet is probably one of the most excruciatingly awkward and pointless things ever. But we still celebrate all this stuff. And, you know, as I said, I get it. I fall into that trap and I understand Um, but what we can't do is confuse it with that stuff, keeping you safe from life happening. And when I say life happening, I mean, terrible situations coming into your life, whether it's loss or unexpected, awful things or whatever

Starting point is 00:05:20 it is. And, and I have had that as many people out there have. It doesn't stop that stuff happening. It cannot. You are not safe from any of it. And I'm not telling my stories to get sympathy or anything like that. I want to alleviate people of feeling on their own, because I know from certainly being in deep shame at one point and also from having panic attacks you feel like you are the only person on the planet going through it like nobody else who you're working with or know could possibly be going through this level of hell and millions of people are so I would like to feel a level of connection with the people reading books or listening to the podcast that we are all in, that we are all in it together. We're all in it together.

Starting point is 00:06:08 You were on TV and radio at a time when TV and radio was king. You know, back in the day, if you're on Radio 1 or BBC 1, you were a household name. So looking at your life through that lens, we are allowed, the public, to make mistakes, learn from them without people on a big level criticising us, judging us. But what's it like having headlines written about various things that are going on in your life? I feel sick thinking about it. about various things that are going on in your life? I feel sick thinking about it. If I'm honest, like how I feel even now discussing it,

Starting point is 00:06:51 it makes me feel I'm happy to talk about it. I'm comfortable talking about it because it's important, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach, like the worst anxiety. It sounds dramatic to use terms like PTSD, but when I think about how torn apart I've been by the press I live with that anxiety every day I'm terrified doing interviews I don't enjoy doing photo shoots very much I mean I can deal with it it's fine I don't do live TV because I can't put myself in that position. If I even get word that someone's writing something about me, I physically, I don't know how to deal with it.

Starting point is 00:07:33 It sends me into the biggest spiral. I can't handle it. And it's meant that I've had to step down from a lot of jobs that are seemingly great. You know, I don't cover for Zoe on Radio 2 anymore because I don't feel physically or mentally able to cope in that environment. And I don't want people writing horrible things about me. And, you know, it goes from the extremes of being completely torn apart. Like some points in my twenties, I was just annihilated by journalists. Even in my thirties, like I was having a really bad time with panic attacks and they were really prevalent. And I said yes to hosting a live TV show that I probably shouldn't have because I wasn't mentally in a good place. And I stuttered like we all do probably at least once a day or once a week or whatever.

Starting point is 00:08:31 And I was torn apart in the press. There was a video of it on Twitter. And it's very hard when you're already not in a good mindset to go, oh yeah, I made a mistake. It's okay. When you're in that state mentally, you go, there is something fundamentally wrong with me here. I am a flawed person. I deserve to be pulled apart. That's where I go to when that stuff happens. So I can't, can't put myself in that position anymore. The whole thing is deeply traumatizing for me. And it might sound dramatic. Some people might just think, oh, fuck off. What do you know about trauma?

Starting point is 00:09:13 But that's the anxiety I live with because of it. It sounds very traumatic to me, actually. And I really appreciate you sharing that. You know, we've been talking about authenticity and vulnerability and, you know, we're all shaped by our past experiences, of course, and I'm sort of thinking, well, Fern in her 40s

Starting point is 00:09:39 wants to be more vulnerable, more authentic, right? But there's also this kind of, presumably, some sort of baggage from being properly burnt in public. Like going right back to the start, I came from a suburban town, working class family. The next thing I'm like in front of a TV camera with directors and lighting

Starting point is 00:10:06 guys and sound technicians and I'm like what me I'm not I can't I'm not good enough like as just me there has to be like I have to be more me or like more something I can't just be me that's insane and I have unfortunately taken that right through from 15 to 40. And I occasionally still go, who's going to read this? Like, it's just me just talking. Like, I have to be extra or put more, like you say, pain into it. If I really suffered, then maybe there'll be some worth behind it. Whereas I'm really trying to do the same as you and go, what if I just turned up as me?

Starting point is 00:10:44 Like, I have to get to a point. I'm not there yet. Down the line, hopefully, you know, in the next 10 years before I hit 50, I would like if there is any sort of goal applied to my life for it to be, to just turn up as me and for that to be enough. It's hard because when we show up as ourselves on any given day, there's so many things going on in your body and brain. And it could be stuff you're lugging around from the past. It could be your idea of what you think people see you as, which can, you know, that can really derail you. Like, oh my God, I bet this person thinks I'm such an idiot and I don't know what I'm talking about, or whatever it might be in your line of work or your friendship circles, or they'll probably think I'm so mouthy, whatever this story is we've created, we bring all that to the table and we're scared of showing it. And I've certainly realized in the last five years of my career, which is drastically different to the 20 years before that,

Starting point is 00:11:43 I didn't say a thing about what was going on in my world before that. I would be, hello, welcome to the show. Here's Justin Bieber, whatever the hell I was playing. There was no space to do that. And I certainly didn't feel comfortable doing it because I thought, God, people will really hate me if I say this is going on or I don't feel well or whatever it might be. Whereas what I've realized, and it was terrifying to start this process, is that when I show up and say, I feel really embarrassed about like embarrassment's a big one, because that's probably one of the hardest ones to admit. I'm really embarrassed about this thing that happened to me, or I feel really ashamed of how this has turned out or feeling really resentful towards this person we feel like we'll be

Starting point is 00:12:26 rejected and it's you know it must be some sort of prehistoric thing we don't want to be rejected we want to be part of a gang a team the pack so we survive and although it's not necessarily important for our survival in modern day life um we we still really feel it on a physical level. We don't want to be rejected. So we feel like we've got to turn up as our best selves, living our best lives and all this crap that I hate. And it's like, I've learned turning up as me and telling a lot of people

Starting point is 00:12:58 the different varying good and bad things that are happening that usually forges connection. I still don't always do it, but I know that to be true. And I remember Russell Brand saying something about that or talking around this subject of, we think that pain is the thing that's going to alienate us from others, but it's the thing that connects us. It's the thing that glues us together. So if we can show up as our true selves with all the stuff going on and the worries and the concerns or the insecurities, we've got to find the connection there. You can't do it in all spaces. There's sometimes a time and a place, I guess, and you feel it.

Starting point is 00:13:35 Well, there's boundaries, aren't there? There's the right space in which to share. You're right. You know, certainly that's something I've learned in my life as well. Open up, be yourself more, be be vulnerable and you bring people closer to you for people you know who connected with so many things that you were willing to share these negative thought patterns beliefs that have held you back, the worry of what other people think of you, other people's comments. You've obviously been at an extreme level of that. But for someone

Starting point is 00:14:17 who's listening and wants to start making changes, what would you say to them? making changes, what would you say to them? I think the only resolution worth making is that you're going to be nicer to yourself. 100%. It's the only one that we should bother doing because I don't do it enough. I'm horrible to myself sometimes. Sometimes I can find proper, true self-compassion and I will act on it and make the right decision. We have to have self-compassion and it's linked to just every thread in your life. It just is. And again, I'm not saying that from a place of having nailed it. I have not. I am. It's a daily discipline that you have to go back to it. What does it look like for you?

Starting point is 00:15:04 discipline that you have to go back to it. What does it look like for you? It's definitely being kinder to myself in everyday ways, which often means you are therefore way kinder to everybody else because you've got the space for yourself to do it. So you do it for others. But I think it's also letting go of the past. I can't change stuff that's happened in the past. I cannot make it go away, but I don't have to lug it around with me. I can't change stuff that's happened in the past. I cannot make it go away, but I don't have to lug it around with me. I can honor the good and the bad. I can accept or attempt to, because it's very hard to accept some things have happened to people in your life and your backstory, but I'm not bringing the whole thing to your house today. I'm not lugging that backpack around and saying, I'm turning up with that today is too heavy. So I'll

Starting point is 00:15:45 honour it. I'll know it exists. I won't try and shut it away like it's some evil demon in a cupboard, but I'm not lugging it around. Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. And I'll be back next week with my long form conversational Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science next Friday.

Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - BITESIZE | How to Find Your Happy Place | Fearne Cotton #331

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