Finding Mastery with Dr. Michael Gervais - Conquering Oneself is the Only True Victory | Olympic Athlete, Tianna Bartoletta
Episode Date: October 28, 2020This week’s conversation is with Tianna Bartoletta, a professional track and field athlete from Elyria, Ohio that specializes in the short sprints, the 4x100m relay and the long jump.Tianna... and Jesse Owens are 2 of just 3 athletes in the states history to win four state titles two years in a row.She attended and ran track for the University of Tennessee, but turned pro after her sophomore season when she won her fist world championship title at 19 years old.Tianna’s a two-time Olympian, a 3x Olympic Gold Medalist, a world-record holder, and a 3x world champion.A reigning Olympic Champion and now 35 year old, Tianna is currently training to defend her title at Tokyo 2021.In this conversation, Tianna shares what it’s like to compete on the world’s biggest stage, and how she manages the pressure – one moment to make 4 years of hard work pay off._________________Subscribe to our Youtube Channel for more powerful conversations at the intersection of high performance, leadership, and meaning: https://www.youtube.com/c/FindingMasteryGet exclusive discounts and support our amazing sponsors! Go to: https://findingmastery.com/sponsors/Subscribe to the Finding Mastery newsletter for weekly high performance insights: https://www.findingmastery.com/newsletter Download Dr. Mike's Morning Mindset Routine! https://www.findingmastery.com/morningmindsetFollow us on Instagram, LinkedIn, and X.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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pro today. Confidence comes from my competence, which I developed in training. So in that moment,
when we fast forward back to the Olympic final, it's, I know I can do it. I've done it every day for 40 weeks. And
am I willing to do it here in this environment under pressure? Because all of us are world-class
athletes. All of us are the best in the world there, but the difference between myself and
someone else, or the reason I'm so much harder
to beat, even when I'm not the best jumper on paper, is my willingness to do it in that moment
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Now this week's conversation is with Tiana Bartoletto, a professional track and field
athlete from Ohio that specializes in short sprints, the four by 100 meter relay, and the
long jump. So Tiana and Jesse Owens are two of just three athletes in the
United States history to win four state titles two years in a row. She attended and ran track
for the University of Tennessee, but then turned pro after her sophomore season when she won her
first world championship at age 19. Tiana is a two-time Olympian, a three-time Olympic gold
medalist, a world record holder, and a three-time world champion. How about that? I mean, talk about
really understanding how to put your life together towards an aim and then figuring out how to put your life together towards an aim, and then figuring out how to be your very best,
which is so dynamic that you end up being the best on the planet over decades. I mean,
it's an amazing list of accomplishments, but that's not what this conversation is about.
It's not about the accomplishments. It's about how she organizes her inner life.
She is the reigning Olympic champion and now 35 years old, Tiana is currently training
to defend her title in the Tokyo Olympic Games in 2021. And in this conversation, she shares what
it's like to compete on the world's biggest stage and how she manages that pressure. And really,
this is about meeting the moment and how much that matters, to meet this moment.
And if you're only going to practice meeting the moment later when the stakes are quote
unquote high, you will not be prepared.
So this really is about this conversation, this idea about how to organize your life
is how are you meeting this moment and then again this moment.
And with that, let's jump right into this week's conversation with Tiana Bartoletto.
Tiana, how are you? I'm well. How are you? Yeah, good. I mean, I think that the world that we're
living in is trying and it's hard, but people like you, and I include myself in there. I feel
like we're up for the task to get after it in a noble way, one that requires some courage and
vulnerability. And it sure is nice when you have a lot of skill that sits underneath it.
Or maybe I should say that sits on top of it. And so that's why I'm so stoked to talk to you.
And so thank you for coming on.
Thank you for having me.
It does feel like one of those periods of time where it's like I've been training my
whole life for this.
It's kind of like you need to use every skill and tool in that box to make it through this
time period.
Yeah, you know, it's funny. I have a similar narrative that runs underneath, which is like, okay, I'm totally built for
this.
And that doesn't mean that everything's easy or it's going to work out just right.
It means that, okay, I have worked my ass off to be grounded, to be present, to know
how to adjust and pivot from a psychological standpoint so that
I can be clear-minded to be able to make decisions that are fitting against my principles. And so
I'm so thankful right now with the work that I put in, you know, on the inner life so that I'll
just start with that. And it's obvious to me that you've put in some serious work too. Not only are you one of or the best in the world at
what you do, but your commitment to speak honestly and openly with courage about your true experience
in the small amount of time that we have together, it's quite remarkable. So again,
thank you for coming on. Yeah. I mean, for me, it's like, what's the point?
I kind of look at my life that way. What is the point of all that struggle? If I'm just going to
sit on the lessons that I learned from it, if I'm not going to share or do anyone else any favors
by saying, Hey, it looks like you're going through something that I went through and this is kind of what came
of it for me. Perhaps this can help guide you a little bit because all of us go through things.
Most of us sit back and we ask, what was the point of that suffering? What was the point?
Where does that get me? And a lot of times there's no real answer, right? Because good things happen
to good people. Bad things happen to good people.
You're like, I don't get it.
I don't deserve it.
And so it's a way for me to make it matter.
I love it.
And that is one of the kind of, let's call it the big rocks to get in the container is
the simple wrestling with the big questions in life.
And it doesn't mean that we're going to find the answers of it, but to examine them and understand it, to deepen it, maybe we get to some wisdom,
not necessarily all solutions is the end game, but some deep wisdoms to understand like,
how is it that we're doing what we're doing? And why are we doing what we're doing?
But so I want to do this with you. Tiana, I'd love for you to describe a seminal moment at the Olympics.
And I want to understand your mindset, how you handle pressure, you know, during those moments
when the whole world is watching, what is it like to focus a lifetime's worth of experience into one performance, a single moment, if you will?
Yeah. Let's go to the long jump final 2016 Rio Olympic games was my first individual medal, which feels a little bit different from a relay medal because you're not sharing the pressure
or the victory, you know, so it was very different. And you're on the runway by yourself.
I think in the moment, I had no idea actually where I stood in the competition, because I wasn't paying attention to that, because it doesn't matter.
So, and what I mean by that is, it didn't matter what anyone else jumped, because that had no
bearing on my ability to jump. And so there's no point in me watching the soap opera
that is the long jump with the lead changes
and the announcement about such and such
just broke her national record.
It doesn't affect my ability
to actually physically do what I came to do.
And so when it was my fifth jump,
I remember standing there saying,
okay, I am the fastest long jumper in the world.
You know, hyping myself up. These are my affirmations.
That season, I covered 100 meters in 10.78 seconds.
The second fastest long jumper in that competition ran 11.20.
And so just off of physics right there, it's like, if I don't give any of that speed away
on the runway, I got this. My hair's standing up. Like just imagining the work that you've done to
have clarity, but it is backed in credibility. Yes. Right. So you've got, you've got clarity
and credibility that these are my skills. And then you're there with a packed arena, millions watching.
That's all noise.
Where you are in the ranking is all noise.
And for folks to try to capture this, like what this is like, I mean, I want to try to
translate this.
Imagine that you're going into the office on a Monday morning,
whatever you do. And there's a moment in that day that you know is coming that could define
your legacy, that could shape the opportunities that you may have or not have for the rest of
your life. But how about that? So here you are in the finals 2016 in Rio Pac Stadium and you're saying look
I'm actually the best in the world look I actually got the best speed
look I don't even know where I am but I'm gonna bring me exactly I have to fall back in those
moments you have to fall back on what you know to be true because you can't lie to yourself in those moments when it's emotionally charged.
Because then you switch gears and you become emotional. You have to rely on what you know to be true.
In that moment, I knew that I was the fastest jumper. I knew that there were specific things that I needed to execute in
order to get the best jump out of myself. Not the winning jump, because I'm not really
responsible or in charge of that, but my best performance. And that's what I was going for.
So in that moment, I could feel the pressure. You can feel the buzz in the stadium,
but it was really just like, these are the things
I know I have to do. I know I have to be fast. I know I need to drive my right knee to my chest
at takeoff. I know I need to bring the left knee to the chest and hold it there for as long as
possible. I know I need to fall forward on landing. And if I do those things, I can't ask of myself
anything more. I will not be dissatisfied with the result because those are the things that I do best.
Those are the things that I do well, and I am committed and disciplined enough to do those things in this moment when I could be scared to death.
And that's not to say I'm scared to death because I probably, it is an intense situation, but that's where, that's where
I stay right in that pocket. Okay. So let me, let me pull on this thread just a little bit.
The framework is I'm trying to be my best to bring my best. Okay. That's one. The second,
the language that I hear is I need to drive my right knee to my chest at takeoff.
I need to.
So is that need?
Tell me about the word need.
And then I want to get to truth in just a moment.
But tell me about the word need.
Why choose that word?
Yeah, I chose the word need because my event is based on physics and angles.
And so there is a definitive thing you need to execute to get the
trajectory you want. So it's either you do it or you don't do it. But if you want the result that
I want, I need to do that thing. It's like you have to plug in the variable. You can't just do
the equation and make the variable optional. That part is necessary. So that's why
it's a need. I can decide to not do it, but I'm not going to get close to the result that I know
physics itself determines I would get if I do it. Okay. Pause there because what is the proficiency
of your ability to meet that need? And now this is
prior to you being on the runway, okay, with the millions plus observing, which is all noise to you.
But what is the proficiency prior to you even getting to the Olympic arena? What is your
proficiency? You have to go all the way back to training. This is a matter of repetition.
And it's basically the confidence comes from my competence, which I developed in training.
So in that moment, when we fast forward back to the Olympic final, it's I know I can do it.
I've done it every day for 40 weeks and the need comes from, will I, am I willing to do it here
in this environment under pressure? Because all of us are world-class athletes. All of us are the
best in the world there, but the difference between myself and someone else, or the reason I'm so much harder to beat, even when I'm not
the best jumper on paper, is my willingness to do it in that moment and not let the noise cut
through. Okay. Yeah. So you're hitting on some gold, which is confidence comes from competence,
right? Which is that credibility thing that I'm talking about. Like if you can't do it,
then the chances of you doing it now are low.
It doesn't mean you don't give yourself a fighting chance still, but it's more of a
like I hope and I wish and oh my gosh, you know, it's just kind of like a, it's an overwhelming
type of thing as opposed to, no, I'm committing to myself.
So you're using the word will.
I actually see what you're doing as ability.
And so I want to hear what will means to you because that will comes, when I hear the word
will, and I believe this to be true for you, is that it is like a, when you talk about
willing something into place, like I'm cutting through the pressures the way you're putting
it.
So it's a fortitude that you have to be able to drop into
the present in a way that is totally pure. And you've got some commands that you're going to
give your body, which is like knee to the chest, hold, whatever it might be. But why do you choose
the word will? And I know I'm thin slicing with you right now, but why is it a will as opposed to,
no, my ability is, and I'm choosing to do my ability. You might say, no, Mike, that's what will is, which is totally cool too.
Yeah.
It's a great question.
I would say that I choose the word will over ability because I know at that point, I know
I have the ability.
The question is, will I showcase it here?
And we're always the ones that are holding ourselves back for whatever reason.
Some people, I remember a time in high school where I was paralyzed by nerves at the state championship and I was unwilling to put myself out there enough to even see if I could be successful. And I think that high school moment
and how bad it felt to be unwilling and not even essentially try makes me understand that for me,
it is about will. It absolutely is about my ability, but my willingness to showcase my preparation and my abilities in that moment.
Because some of us, I find competing and high performance to be vulnerable.
Some of us don't want to get out there after having trained for 40 plus weeks and find out
it wasn't enough. And so then they're unwilling to really just put
everything on the table because to find out that you put everything on the table and it wasn't
enough can be devastating. I have to choose in that moment to be willing to go out on my shield
either way. And that's why it's less about ability for me in that moment and more about will.
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at FelixGray.com for 20% off. You wouldn't know this, but when I talk about failure, I have worked to redefine that in a way that feels like it's not BS, but at the same time, it gives me space.
So failure is the inability or unwillingness to go for it.
That's it.
Oh, you like that?
I love it.
I feel it as well. Yeah. So it's the inability to go for it
or the unwillingness to go for it. And you might say, well, those aren't the same. Those are the
same. No, it's different because if you have the will, but not the ability, it's not going to
really work out. If you have the ability to go for it, but you're unwilling to feel the vulnerable moments because that's what risk is.
You don't know your outcome. Nobody in sport knows the outcome. Well, unless it's maybe WWE
or something like that, but we don't know our outcomes. But that's where the aliveness comes
from. So that being said, where does pressure come from for you? I think pressure comes from that moment, that question that I have.
I asked myself this question before I initiated the jump that would ultimately win me the Olympic Games.
And it was, will you go?
Will you do it?
Because there are a lot of places between, it was like 40 meters is my run up to junk. In
that 40 meters, although it takes me four seconds to cover that distance, there are a lot of steps,
a lot of strides in which I can continue to bring it or I can throttle back. And so every step is an answer to the question, will you go for it?
Will you do this thing? Will you? And that's where the pressure comes from because I want to,
or do I? So it's like where I never actually know if I'm going to actually do it until I'm
in that moment. And so I'm pleasantly surprised that more often
than not, the answer is yes, I will. But I know that I have punked out on occasion and not done
that. Yeah. You and me both, our high school experiences, while you were absolutely one of
the best in high school, I was not, but I had the same
experiences, which is like the inability to know how to get free. I could do the thing, but I didn't
know how to organize my inner life to get free, to actually put myself in a position to be
vulnerable, to be judged by others out of fear that I wasn't going to be good enough. And that
was my 14, 15-year-old self. Now, I just want to pause for a minute, Tiana.
The language that you're using is well-traveled. So for folks that don't really understand
the inner game, they don't understand the inner life. They don't really understand how to use one's mind rather than to be used by one's mind. I think right now it would be a
benefit for people to rewind this part of the episode and just listen to it again because the
language that you're using is precise. It's worn. It's true. And it's only comes from people that have done the inner work and valued that to sports psychologist were mandatory, which is amazing because not all, not every program does that.
So that was the first time I realized, okay, there's, there's an off the track component to high performance. And although we didn't do any real deep dives beyond visualization and kind of
rehearsing the performances that were coming up, like SEC championships and whatnot, I understood
it kind of, it intrigued me enough to want to pull on that thread. And my father is, was a martial
artist and meditation was key for him in order to drop into a space that would
allow him to find his flow as he you know worked through his katas or sparred and so I knew that
it existed but I didn't really pull on it right until I got to college. Once that happened, you know, I won world
championships my sophomore year and then boom, like everything blew up. We're talking about,
I ran track to get a scholarship, not to be an elite athlete, not to be a professional athlete.
My dad said, you need to go to college for free, figure it out. Track was my way to do that. And that was
supposed to be the end of it. But needing to navigate turning pro at 20 years old,
and suddenly it's your job and needing to not be so volatile and to rise and fall and live and die
with performances. It was a matter of survival for me to figure out how to make my mind an ally
so that I could be more successful, so that it would be a more sustainable life for me.
Okay. So let's keep playing with the Olympic experience here.
If we go back in time prior to the games,
what is it that you're searching for?
I think it was validation for me. I was looking for some kind of sign or confirmation that the journey made sense, that it was worth it,
that the struggle would end up fruitful. And I will say that even though I left the games with
two medals, I was not validated in that way because that's not how it works. But that is what I was looking for.
I found validation in getting my mind under control. It was like being able to look at my life and understand what it was for, being able to be in the middle of a storm and find some calm or some peace or some rest.
Through that whole ordeal, even though I was looking for something external to validate my choices, essentially,
like I never, I didn't graduate from UT because I went pro and Nike sent me to California.
Those type of little questions like, was that the right thing?
Was that the right path?
I was looking for that gold medal to say, you were right.
Every move you made was correct.
And I didn't get that.
But what I did get was I learned who I was along the way.
And that's what I had actually been searching for myself and didn't know that that's what I was searching for.
All right.
The tenderness in which you describe that has me to wonder about the pain that you've experienced in your life.
No one gets through this life without suffering, without trauma, little T or big T.
But I hear tenderness in there. I hear, I hear that fragility meets strength, meets awareness, meets wisdom in just the tone.
So wave me off if I'm wrong, wave me off. If you say, Mike, I've had this amazingly charmed life
and it's just kind of coming through in a weird way because I'm actually just feeling something.
Or have you experienced what I'm picking up on?
Yeah, I have.
You are not wrong at all.
Not wrong at all.
So where do you want to start?
Oh, my gosh. Oh oh i love that question i want to start with uh this moment
i want to start with what you feel in this conversation
when you're speaking your truth and you're touching pain because you're talking about
i needed to have this validation of hardware and have the
national anthem being played behind when I was on the podium. I needed that, but that was wrong.
That was not what I needed. And I found something else to be more rewarding. I want to start with
when you're speaking about that truth, what do you feel when you speak that way?
I feel a lot like how I described how I feel before I take a jump in a
final at a championship. I ask myself, am I going to go for it? Am I going to let this go? Am I
going to share it? Am I going to unlock this piece? Am I going to drop this wall or this guard and just tell it and tell it straight.
And the answer, again, is always yes.
But that doesn't mean there is an apprehension or just like you got to push through some discomfort, bust some inertia to get out of that, that feeling of just kind of, you know, bopping around.
You have to be ready to dig.
And so in that moment, it was like, yeah, I can kind of feel that I'm going to go for it,
that I'm just going to let it rip.
And so it's alive in you right now.
The same types of feelings that you have prior to that one moment, you know,
your last jump, if you will the olympics that might define
whether you get a medal or not but really it's defining whether you have the ability and the
willingness to go for it you feel that even now in this conversation i do i don't feel anything
on the track that i have not felt off the track. And that's something that I think is really important
for people to understand. They aren't two separate experiences. I am still the same human, both in
and out of the arena. So even like my meditation practice at home, I drop into that same space
at the starting line or at the top of the runway for the event they're the same
they're the same thing so it's not it's not like I'm experiencing something totally new
and athletes that try to create a brand new experience once they get to a championship
typically fail because you have to bring your experience in the rehearsals to the arena not some new version of what you
think is going to get you there so yeah it's the same okay and then when we pull on that thread
what are some of the what maybe just one what are what is one of the ways that you have been
challenged in your life whether it's external circumstances or experiences that you've had
that have promoted this suffering
that we're picking up on,
that you know to be true,
that I'm just sensing?
Yeah.
One of the big things, I think,
and it's been a trend,
so I think this is a good one to just acknowledge.
As an athlete, we hire coaches to help make us better, teach us things we don't know. But there's some point when the athlete also has to understand that you have it and the coach isn't doing it for you. You're doing it with the help or support of the coach. And one of the things that I've always struggled with was outsourcing my success to someone else or attributing it to someone else. So much so
that I would tolerate any host of mistreatment because I believed that I could not be successful without that person. And that has happened over and over
until now. That's one of the ways that I suffer. Just outsourcing my definition of success,
contributing success to someone else or an external cause has made me suffer a lot. Is that a deference that you would give to the expert or the adult
where you are feeling more like a child?
Is it that type of relationship you would have with others?
I think so, or even just a perceived power dynamic as well.
Because I pay the coach, right?
So technically I'm the boss and yet the deference that I feel for their position has allowed me to to kind of
just deal with any host of you know like not showing up for training or saying or if I if I
have a problem or a question about the training and being being told, like, I got it, I'm the coach, you do what I say, kind of like parents used to do and like,
just do what I tell you. Yeah. It's a lot like that. It's a lot like the parent-child relationship,
coach-athlete relationship. And I think even from childhood, I didn't, my mother and I didn't navigate that well. So I think that comes up for me in situations like that.
You and your mother had challenges or you and your mother didn't navigate the me in a lot of my relationships in which I
felt like I had less power or authority than the other person. Okay. And is your mother still alive?
Yes. What is it like to talk about your mother like in a way because I don't want to double
click under here really but is it hard to talk about
some of the challenges with your mom, knowing that she's still alive, and I don't know the
quality of your relationship? Or is that something that is like, no, it's pretty concrete. Like this
was a challenge I had. And I'm happy to talk about it. Yeah, it used to be difficult, because we were
estranged for a long time. And so it felt like, you know, just digging in an open wound,
pouring salt in an open wound.
At this point, we're no longer estranged.
We have a very positive relationship
and we can talk about it because it happened.
We don't have to rewrite history
because we have a different reality now.
And I think it's helpful to be able to just
be able to revisit these things in order to keep,
wait, take inventory of your growth and your progress without needing to revise anything
because it's better now. So what is driving you? What sits underneath your desire to compete on an
elite level? Because there's lots of ways to sort out your sense of
power. But what is sitting underneath this radical commitment to be your very best,
and it just happens to be one of the best, if not the best on a regular basis?
For me, it's a pursuit of mastery. And sometimes I refer to it as perfection, but it's not perfection.
Because I know I have a front row seat to my BS, right? So I know that there are a lot of areas
that I could be better, that I could level up. And this radical commitment, as you put it,
is like, okay, I'm going to actually now check those boxes and do all of the things in all of these categories.
Because I think that if I do, actually, I don't know what will happen.
But I do know it will be good because I haven't done it yet.
I haven't done it before.
Because if you do what you've always done, as I say, you get what you've always gotten.
I know what I can jump doing things how I used to do things.
Now let's see what I can do.
Perfecting the fuel plan, eating six times a day like I'm supposed to, getting the meal
timing right, doing the digital detox I know I should do.
All of these little tiny things that people don't really think about too much when they're
watching the Olympic final,
all of those little things, that's money in the bank.
That's like, I call it my performance ATM.
I'm making deposits.
And I know for a fact that there are a lot of things
that I didn't deposit into this bank.
And I still ended up with nine global championship medals. So what happens
when I just nail it? What can happen? And I'm curious about finding that out.
So it's not about getting another set of hardware. It's about the experience that you're going to
feel at the top of the ramp. Is it the feelings that you're looking for in the experiences? Or is it the combination of both?
Is it something else?
Well, I can't make it about the hardware because I'm not in charge of that.
Like, I don't know what's going to happen.
I don't know what someone else is going to jump.
And so to make it about the hardware would be a great disservice to myself,
would diminish my effort and my work. It makes me so
sad. I got fourth in the Olympics in the 100 in 2012. And that I ran the fastest time of my life
then. But I remember for a split second thinking all of that work was for nothing, but that's horrible because all of that work,
I learned so much. I dropped so much time in that race, but because I didn't leave with the medal,
I suddenly threw all of that work and effort out of the window. No. So no, it's not about coming home with another medal. It's about Tiana.
What can Tiana do when she is just doing everything she can possibly do?
And let's just find out.
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slash finding mastery. Okay. What are the costs that you experience in this pursuit to find out?
Well, let's talk about what it will take for me to defend this title, because I think that's the easiest thing. So right now I'm in a transition month and I know we're all dealing with COVID,
but I'm going to talk about it as if it were a normal situation. That means that, you know,
I still train. There's not an off season.
I still have to move around, get my diet correct. But come November, I moved to three workouts a day
for four days a week, two workouts a day for two days a week. And Sunday, although there is no
training program listed, that's active recovery, that's massage therapy, that's chiropractic.
That's like, it's still not a day off.
I do that for the next 40 weeks.
There's no, every hour is accounted for.
So the cost, relationships, if you're not on your, if you're a person that needs to interact with other people perhaps
there's a little bit of a mental health cost for me there's a the guilt of missing everything that
my family does and they do a lot together they're in Ohio and I can't be a part of it I'm in
no pictures I'm at no holidays and so I I'm just absent. And so there's this real self-centeredness about it.
And that's actually counter to my nature because I'm a person that wants to be of service,
that wants to show up for people.
And so choosing this is difficult for me in that respect.
And so there's a slight little personal cost about,
there's just a little tension between me focusing all this energy on myself
when I prefer to focus it outward. There's needing to make sure you secure, like on the financial side, enough resources so that you can spend eight hours a day doing sport, being in the gym while still paying your rent and making enough money so you can go to Whole Foods because we all know how that goes.
And to eat well, you know, stuff like that.
So there's that as well, just being able to even keep up with social media. I found myself wondering yesterday, like, there's no way, like, how am I going to, I can't like keep touching,, me, and that affects people differently, but it's going to be difficult for me because I just, I want to be of service and I want to make sure I continue to encourage people on their journeys while at the same time needing to be in my own bubble with my head down. How do you manage that selfishness, which is not your nature and
the loneliness and the financial strain? Like those are the three big ones, right? How are you,
how do you manage it? Sometimes I fail at this, but I try to just stay plugged into the why of it all. And for me, and honestly, it used to be like, I want to prove
I'm the best in the world. I need to prove such and such wrong. And ever since I started really
practicing yoga and reading books like the Bhagavad Gita, I understood that this is really about doing what you've been training to do, right?
Just you're not entitled to the fruits of your labor, but you have to do the labor.
That's kind of what I remind myself of.
Like the struggle is the struggle.
It is what it is.
I have to still find a way and put one foot in front of the other and know that in the end, I'm sacrificing it all to something anyway.
And so when it gets tough financially, it's like we have to see if I if I I know for a fact that this will be horrible if I stop going to practice.
So you might as well keep going because the only way out is through at that
point. And that's kind of where I am with that. It's like the only way out is through. Like there's
no going back. And my mom used to say to me all the time, she would say, the Bible says,
yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. It didn't say as I sit chilling
and being feeling sorry for myself,
it's like you're walking through. So I think that's one of the mantras that I take on when
it gets really hard. Like the only way out is through, because honestly, I'm not always
motivated. My discipline takes over when my motivation runs out, but I have to kind of just
saying, okay, you got to keep going one more, one more, one more day, one more step.
So it's nothing profound. It's just like the only way out at this point.
You've come too far to only come this far, as they say.
Out of what? The, the fear of financial insecurity, the fear of failure,
like really just have to be curious enough about what could happen if you keep going.
And for me, it's the curiosity that keeps me there. It's the curiosity that makes me, you know, attend these coaches clinics as the
only athlete to try to see like, what about my takeoff angle is not right. Like, I need to know,
let me figure this out. Because if I figure that out, you know, how many, this is a game of
centimeters and inches for me now, like how just one more centimeter. That's I won the Olympics by two centimeters.
I mean, so one centimeter is like that could be the difference.
And so you have to just be willing to pull on those threads.
So I think for me, yeah, it's the fear of failure, the fear of.
You know, crashing and burning, spending all my money on this endeavor. You don't know until you
get to the end. And failure and losing is only guaranteed if you stop. So until then, you got
to keep going. Okay. If we rewound 20 minutes ago or 15 minutes ago, when you were in that moment,
you said in this conversation,
like, am I going to go for it or not and speak truthfully? You're certainly doing it now. And
then, but in that moment, you were practicing whether to go for it or not. And how do you
manage that fickle little temperance of a moment, whether you open or close, whether you create
space or constriction.
How do you do those moments?
They're not little by any means.
Yeah.
I think it can be tied to, for me, the fact that my heart is set in service.
And so in a conversation like this, I want to be congruent and in alignment with who I am.
And to withhold that would be counter to who I am. And it's not, it is, I wish that I was always
consistent in making those decisions. But the point of asking myself the question is to kind of check in with myself.
Are you on the same page? Are you being you? And I think when I'm deciding if I'm going to go for it,
that's what I'm asking. Are you going to be you in this moment? Because a lot of us go in and out of our authentic selves in all sorts of different situations.
And I just want to check in and make sure I'm bringing Tiana, which is what I'm doing on the runway and what I'm doing in this conversation.
But that's not to say that there isn't a pause when I'm like, do I want to? So I think what I'm asking, what I'm really asking myself is, will going forward, is that aligned with who I am or who I want to be or who I'm trying to be or not?
And if the answer is yes, then you go.
Okay. Even when the risk on the outcome anyway. I'm not guaranteed
anything anyway. So the only thing that I actually have control over is myself and how I show up in
any given moment. So absolutely the risk is there, but you don't know how this ends anyway. So you might as well show up in a way you can be proud of because I'd rather take an L being proud of myself and who I was along the way than a victory having had to completely fabricate a different persona to get there.
I love every part of this conversation. Okay. How have you trained
your mind? How have you trained your mind to do this? Um, a lot of therapy have been on a lot of
couches and I think that was an important first step for me because I was dealing with a lot of
trauma and trauma for me is noise and it always resurfaces when you need to do something vulnerable
in my so anytime I'd be on the starting line and then some memory about not feeling like I was good
enough would resurface from childhood or something at the start of the 100 it It's like, how is this conducive to me running fast right now?
Oh, no, it absolutely is not. It's how it works, though. You know, it's like the trauma is like
the reason. It's not really that the trauma is actually so bad. And I know what I'm saying when
I say that the worst part in trauma can be horrific. I don't know what yours uniquely was.
It could be anything from child trafficking to sexual abuse to emotional abuse to physical violence to manipulation.
I mean, there's some horrific things that take place.
And I have just the compassion I have for those experiences.
It's hard to put words to it.
But you know what the most insidious part is?
The re-traumatization that we do to ourselves to try to protect ourselves from something like that happening again, even though we're in a safe environment from that exact same type
of predatorial experience or unfortunate experience that took place. So that it's, it's amazing. As soon as we
get keyed up and our system goes, Ooh, fight or flight instantly, we go back to, well, what are
we fighting or fighting for? Because I can't see the threat, right? Oh, that's right. It was when
I was eight. That's it. That's it. And insidious is absolutely the word. Insidious. Yeah. Yeah. Insidious is absolutely the word. Insidious. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it kind of keeps coming around
again and again, again. And guess what? You nor I have escaped it. Nor anyone that's part of our
communities have escaped it. So I ask, why not do self-discovery to free yourself from that. Because going into the lion's den, going into the dragon's
den is hard. Because that dragon, it's got some fire, it's got a badass tail, it's got power,
it's got nails, and it has burned you and clawed you and whipped you. And you know what? That's why.
But until you go in to build a relationship with that dragon you'll be afraid
standing at the edge of the cave you know for any moment that seems frightening any moment that seems
too much to risk being what in your words your authentic self yeah can you speak to
the real fear which is letting people down as opposed to the other fears, which is
that the boogeyman is going to come back? Yeah. Letting people down. That's the one.
Someone asked me, what is the overwhelming feeling that I feel on the podium?
And I had that moment where I was like, am I going to tell the truth? And the truth
is, and I did tell the truth, the overwhelming feeling is relief. Relief that I didn't let my
coaches down. I didn't let my family down. I didn't let myself down. It isn't joy. It isn't satisfaction. It is a shedding
of all of the questions like, have I made you proud? That is what I feel and have felt most
overwhelmingly on every podium. So that is a big thing. And it doesn't often manifest itself in us as fear.
We might talk about expectation and pressure, but it is truly fear
that causes the pressure and the expectation.
Can I add something?
Yeah.
Maybe you take it, maybe you drop it.
Wave me off if it doesn't feel right. you might want to recalibrate like okay if I'm fortunate enough to be at a podium or
wherever I'm standing at the end of my next games that can I organize my life now
where it won't be relief it will be something else and then you choose that
experience and then that becomes a target to also practice toward because I know that feeling
of relief. And I also know that it comes from both from my own experiences, as well as working
with world's best and a lot of different sports. It's born out of anxiety. So the commitment is an
anxiousness leading up to, and I'm talking about starting from today and anxiousness leading up to
a moment later, am I going to be enough? Am I going to
have the willingness and the ability to go for it? And if I do, then it's a relief that I didn't let
others down as opposed to I'm looking for freedom right now and freedom there and celebration now
and celebration and joy now and joy then. And so there might be another target, another bullseye that you can work on
practicing because left unchecked, the anxiousness will lead to the relief, you know, and I don't
think relief is really what you want because it's a demonstration of the burden that you're carrying
now. And I'm not sure that in this conversation, I would say that feels aligned. That was so good.
That is my, yes.
Yes.
But question for you.
When you've done that in your own experience, did you feel as if it affected your ability to perform along the way?
That is the question.
That is the question from fear too. If I let go
of this kind of craziness, this anxiousness, this fear-based maniacal thing that sits underneath of
me to go do the three days, three sessions a day for five days a week, like, am I going to,
will I want to? Am I going to be able to meet that if I don't
have this anxiousness that sits underneath of it I can't answer that for you of course I can answer
it for me yeah it was a letting go of one vine that I knew that operating system really well I
knew that momentum and that swing from that vine really well. And you said it earlier, what got you here is not going to get you there. And so I knew I needed to grab another vine
because the way that I was living was, there was too much anxiousness and I wasn't, what's the
payoff? Relief. That's not the payoff I wanted. So yeah, I actually, my experience has been that there's more space now.
And my uncommon work ethic has not changed.
Matter of fact, it's been a bit deeper and more, I would say, I'm squeezing more out of the moments because I'm in the moments more as opposed to worrying about the next moment, compromising the quality of this moment. And so it wasn't like this instant, you know, bang from today onward, I've got that freedom. It was like that roughness, like, oh, can I get that vine? Oh, it's a little further than I
thought. Well, let me try to get some more momentum. Can I? Okay, I kind of touched it.
And so touching that new vine is just a sense of peace now. And then pretty soon you
grab it and you hold onto it and you're swinging from both vines. And you've pretty soon, at least
I figured out like, oh, I don't need that. I don't need all that anxiety. It's just, it's too prickly
and scratchy and unsettling. And that worked for me for a while. So thank you. So I thank that vine.
Thank you for that. And then, so now the new experience is like, it doesn't mean I'm absent of fear.
It just means I have swung the vine of anxiousness long enough.
And so I will be a little bit of a moment of hope for you in there,
knowing also that sorting out if you want to let go of that vine will be part of your work.
Yeah, I really love that because it did my anxiety towards competition and training
has served a purpose. It's just that I am not the type of person anymore that would benefit
from that approach because of all the inner work.
It's like anxiety doesn't have a place in a meditator's life when a meditator can just kind of drop in and be still.
So it's like holding on to a tool you no longer need, but had needed in the past.
And so I guess I really appreciated the fact that I liked your analogy
with the vines, but in a way it's almost like, thank you. I can let you go now, but thank you.
And not so much, oh my God, anxiety is horrible. It's like, no, you served me well,
but I need to, we're done here.
Yeah, so yeah, that's exactly it.
So anxiousness is different than anxiety.
Anxiousness is like a level down. And anxiety is this pervasive, excessive worry that it might not work out.
And for you, it's that it might not work out in paying back and thanking your others.
And your others in your life are the people that
have committed to helping you, and you are a giver. You're right. And so part of this internal
dilemma is you're taking, and there's a selfishness to you, to use your words. So that's a bit of the,
I think, the freedom to get to the next place is, oh, I'm going to give at every step. And then when
I'm up there,
sorry for me kind of maybe getting ahead of the space for you to do this beautiful imagery, but
when I get up there or wherever my feet are at the end of the games is that I'm going to celebrate
because that's what I want. I want to be in a community and we're going to have an experience
together. It starts today. And our experience is going to be of A, B, and C philosophical points,
joy, happiness, peace, strain, you know, hard conversations, figure them out, whatever they
are for you. And we're going to practice that shit today. And then wherever my feet are at
the end of the games, we're going to practice that there too. I love that. Give along the way.
You don't have to wait until the end. I love it. That actually already has made me feel a million times better.
And you know what? The giving of everything you have to your craft is your job to your team.
Yeah. That is your, that's your job. So that is the gift that you are, of course you're giving
yourself, but you're giving your team as well, your community.
And you've got so many little girls that look up to you.
Probably little boys too.
I just don't know that.
But it's easy to say little girls looking up to you going, oh, that's how you do life.
Look at her.
Look how eloquent.
Look how smart and strong and dynamic she is.
Like I want to be like that.
And it's so unfortunate when we look at the strong men and women on the podium and go, I want to win. Yeah. No, I want to be famous. No, no, no. Look at how
you have organized your life. That's what this conversation is about. How do you organize your
life? Because that is the gold. The gold dust is the podium. Yeah. Okay. Let's go back to the
amphitheater. Let's go back to 2016 games here
and i want to explore some moments that lead right up to the performance can we toggle back into that
yeah what was it like when you arrived at the stadium
by the way we trained in the same i didn't actually train i wasn't competing but i was
working with usa volleyball and and we shared our training.
So I saw you guys working out on a regular basis. And I know that the neighbor, did you guys stay in that neighborhood?
No.
Where'd you guys stay? Because we stayed in a neighborhood I would not go back and visit.
Well, they were in the village.
Okay. Where were you?
The home across from the village.
Okay. All right, cool. Yeah. So actually you had quite a drive. Okay. So let's go back though. What was it like when you arrived
at the competitive arena? I felt a sense of resignation, but not in a negative way. In, um, I'm here now. There's nothing else to do.
There's nothing else to be done. There's no other coaching to receive. I'm here. And
that's how I felt walking into the warmup area. And then I become very practical at that point. I have the nerves. I sometimes am nauseous because
I still experience the gravity of the situation, but then I immediately shift into this is the
warmup. This is the call time. I have 15 minutes for this. I need to drink my water at this time. I'm really about going through things in a way that will not leave space
for any noise, as we referred to it earlier in the day. There's no time for me to marvel
at the atmosphere and perhaps open myself up to being overwhelmed by it all. So we're on the bus ride, you get out of the
car, you go through security. And there's a moment where you're just like, I'm here. Okay.
It's time now. I feel that every time. Do you have any particular routines that you walk through
to position yourself to be more grounded, more present, more ready?
I would say it's linked at that point to my playlist.
So funny enough, I play a lot of jazz and American standards and Dean Martin rat pack before, because that's my, my mellow, like I'm in a room with my
Tumblr, double shot of whiskey, just chilling, kind of like the place, the space that I want to
be in. And I sit in that space until it's time for me to warm up. And when it's time for me to warm up, I switch my playlist to a very high
energy, get hype, sometimes very angry, because this is the place, this is where I'm allowed
to take my hurt and my anger and channel it and unleash it in a way that's socially acceptable,
that doesn't get me in trouble and doesn't cause harm to other people. This is,
I call it my hate fire. It's where I pour all this into. So I use the timing of my arrival
and the playlist and the music to manipulate my emotions in a way that will serve me and keep me
on track for my goals in any specific moment. We're not allowed electronics and
headphones after we enter the call room or in the arena. So at that point, I shift again
to visualization, breathing work, meditation, and I call it sniper mode because I'm in the thick of it, but I'm calm, but I'm also lethal. And so that's
kind of the ritual. I go from jazz and very smooth and very chill to very high energy to
sniper mode every single time for every event, for every round.
There it is. I mean, it's super simple. You need to know your ideal mindset
though. Sniper mode is how you describe your ideal mindset, which is like a laser focus,
kind of lethal, straight arrow or straight bullet type of thing. So I totally get that.
And then most people don't know, they're not sophisticated enough to actually know what their mindset is. And so the plan to build up to it is just wanting. So you have to work backwards.
How do I want to be? How do I want to, when I'm in the amphitheater, how do I want to be? Sniper
mode, clear. And then you're using some imagery to see yourself performing with that type of mindset,
with the type of knee to the chest experiences where you're driving with great
precision. Does that sound about right? That's absolutely right.
And you're using your music to get the vibe, to get the readiness, slow to intense,
and then intense to narrow. Now, what about an openness? Is there any openness in there? Because
the sniper, and you might say, you might wave me off, but I think sniper like this, like this single aimed focus, not a whole lot of space, but a precision of breath,
precision of movement, and a deep focus. Does that sound like? That's correct. Yes. Okay. So
there's not like a joy, happiness, kind of like, hey, let's just flow onto this. And I'm going to
drive my knee to my chest. And I'm going to be a badass and watch, it's going to be great. It's not that. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Some of your competitors
have that kind of way. Absolutely. But that's not yours. Not mine. Can't do it.
And when a coach who wants to do the right thing or a family member who wants to do the right thing
kind of leans over and says something wild to you, or they lost their pass to get into the arena and they're texting you? Or like,
how do you deal with some of those distractions, noises that are actually able to pierce your
bubble, if you will? This happened to me actually before the final at another Olympics,
where my husband at the time couldn't get the pass or didn't like his seats or something like that
and was firing off a bunch of text messages right to my phone as I was warming up.
I remember I responded. I don't remember what I responded.
I know that I have people in place like my manager who was around that I was fortunate enough to be able to say, I need you to handle this.
But I am so good at compartmentalizing.
And unfortunately, that comes from just needing to be able to show up while dealing with a lot of stuff in the background.
I was able to put that away and kind of tell myself, you know, my job is here right now and there's nothing I can do about that.
I can only control what I can control. And right now that's me.
And so if there's a situation where he's going to be mad as hell after because he had horrible seats for this event, I'll deal with it then.
But not now. And that's pretty much how I deal with it.
Like I'm about, I'm about putting things in their boxes. I'll acknowledge it, but I will also
acknowledge it on my way to locking it up in a box and then putting box in a closet and going back to
what I was doing. Awesome. All right. So take us to the top of your 40 meter runway. What's going on in your mind in that moment? because the tendency for me to maybe back off a little bit,
it's a scary thing running full speed into a 25 centimeter board to jump straight up
so that you can jump as far as possible.
It's kind of a mind bending situation.
And so a lot of jumpers will slow down so that they can feel good about the jump.
I cannot do that because I'm one of
the shortest jumpers in the world. And so because I'm the fastest, I have to just bring everything.
And because that's the scariest but most important part of a jump,
I take a moment to gather myself at the top of the runway. People usually see me take a couple
deep breaths. I'll look at the board because that's kind of my destination. And occasionally
I do this with my hands because that's like a signal that I'm about to go and I'm about to go
for it. And there's no coming back from this moment, but I am ready.
I want to give nothing away. And I say one more thing to myself. If I only do one thing,
it's run as fast as possible. Even if that means I'm going to fall on my face, at least I have proven what I am willing to do to get the best out of myself.
And what does it feel like inside your body?
Calm.
Yeah, it feels like a pond with no ripples.
And it's so nice because it's such a rare thing to experience both on and off the track. In fact, I almost can't recall the rest of the jump after that moment because I was there.
I wasn't an observer.
I was in it.
And so I can't really relate to you what happened because I didn't witness it.
I was in it.
But right before, it's definitely the sniper moment that I was in pursuit of.
It's definitely the still water.
And it's almost like when the tide recedes from the shore and then punches back like a tsunami.
That first step is the tsunami coming through. And while I'm standing there
gathering myself, it's just me pulling all of that power back. And then when your foot's
on the line and you're about to take flight, what does that feel like? I mean, you jump longer because of your speed and your angles
than anyone in the world. There's no, am I wrong? Female, males are jumping a little bit longer
right now. Maybe not for long, but like, what does that feel like? It's violent. There's so much force and so much aggression. In that moment, you are not
beautiful or graceful. You are all power, wrath, fury, tear the world apart in that moment.
But just as quickly, you're now graceful again, because now you're in the air,
and you're trying to make everything long and take forever, because the longer you're in the air,
the farther you're traveling. And it's just a beautiful paradox to be able to jump.
Okay, so you go from calm pond, sniper mindset, a calm pond in your body and as you're running there's is there
kind of something happening there but then when your foot hits the the tape there's an explosion
a violent explosion and then a gracefulness in the air and then when you land it's it's not the
prettiest landing sometimes but there's like right but there's like a decompression that takes place.
Yeah.
So the approach itself, imagine it as like a crescendo.
It's a slow build.
Each step is a little more intense, a little more powerful than the one before it.
And then bam, all of that has to come together in the takeoff. And I probably could find a piece of classical music
that absolutely mirrors what a jump feels like
in the way that it's mellow
and then it builds up to the crescendo.
You have all the instruments and all the drums coming
and then it just kind of fades out again.
All right.
That would actually be good for an assistant to imagery,
is if you could find how many seconds that you're on the track,
match that to the one, two violins, and then the bang, right, the violin thing,
and then kind of the landing of it.
It actually could actually give you a cadence to shave off a millisecond, you know,
or whatever kind of fraction of a second we're talking about to speed up that time. It actually,
there might be a nice, interesting little pairing to play with there. But anyways, that's
neither here nor there. When you land and you're in the sand, what's the first thing
that enters your mind?
Besides, oh shit.
Yeah. No, if that's it, is that it?
That is kind of it because you're so focused on the technical elements of like getting up there and staying up there and then gravity's got you.
Boom. You're in the sand.
And you're like, oh, the jump is over.
And so I think you hop out of the pit
and sometimes you can feel in your body that it was your best jump. You can just
feel how long it took. Everything was slow motion. Sometimes, you know, it's not,
but the sand always comes as a surprise to me because I'm not thinking about it.
You're not meant to be thinking about your landing. You want to stay up there,
but because gravity is going to do what gravity is going to do. So when it gets you, you're like,
oh, there it is. So, okay. Surprise. And then you don't look at the board. You check in with
yourself first. How did I feel? How did I go?
Is it an internal check-in first?
As in the performance board?
No, you look.
You look.
And then I think I look first.
Then I check in with myself because...
You want to see the distance first.
See the distance first.
And then I am able to point to something in my body that was the reason for the distance that I got, good or bad.
Got it. Okay, cool.
And then do you know that distance?
Obviously, you know that distance relative to your PR, your personal record.
Do you know how that's stacking against the outcome, the leaderboard?
You can know because there's two boards.
There's a springboard in the pit where you can just kind of's two boards there's a springboard um in the pit where
you can just kind of guesstimate where you landed and then there's a board farther in field that
will have your new ranking come up overall in the competition based on that job and you know you want
to look you know you want to look at that thing no No? Yeah, I do. Often, I'm not watching the competition at all.
Got it, yeah.
Usually have a little flip book of reminders and affirmations and quotes from the Buddha
and all these things that I'm actually looking through.
I look up occasionally on the runway to see, to kind of guess how many more jumpers go
before I go,
but I try not to look. Give me a quote that you've been vibing with, whether it's a song
or the Buddha. It is.
Awesome.
I love this conversation.
Every bit of it, the texture, the nuances,
the authenticity, the vulnerability,
the courage to speak truth, all of it.
Thank you.
Because you're an important step on the way of me pursuing mastery still as we go on.
That's very kind.
Okay, so just as a fun little close here, and then I want to ask where people can find you, is that the other day somebody super insightful asked me this question, and they said, what day of the week are you? And I gave a response. And then it caught up.
Like I was thinking about it a bunch.
And it was getting ready for bed the other night.
And I was still thinking about it.
And I'll give you my answer.
But what day of the week are you?
Hmm.
What day of the week am I I'm a Tuesday because Monday is like you gotta just you kind of gotta get it started but Tuesday is like all right got through Monday
and I gotta gear up for hump day but like I'm in my zone right here like I I'm good. Yeah. I would say that I live a lot in the space of having done the hard
work of Monday while gearing up for the next hard thing of Wednesday. I'm definitely a Tuesday.
It totally fits for you. It totally fits. All right. I love it. You know what I said? So my
first response was like, I'm all of them. What do you mean? Right? Like, you know, because I'm,
that answer came easily for me, because my life purpose is to help people live in the present
moment more often. Like, that's my purpose. And so I'm thinking, I snap it up to my purpose,
which is live in the present moment more often. Well, each day is a moment, you know, it has the
moments, 1440, you know, each day. And so those are minutes, not moments. But so, and then I
started, okay, if I answer the question, like in a less kind of punk way, how would it be? And I
said, Saturday. And I said, but it's not because it's like fun and easy. It's because traditionally,
like I'm bookended between a solid week of work and then the spiritual Sunday, right?
As a, not all religions, but certainly in the Christian faith.
So I was like, oh, I'm sandwiched in between those two.
So I did the same mechanism you did, which is like, what am I sandwiched up against?
And Friday's like, oh, I got a solid week working and then Sunday.
And so there I am.
I'm right in there between those two, work and spirit. So anyways, fun little, fun little, yeah. You like that one too?
I like that one. Yeah.
Yeah. I like Tuesday too. So I like how you described it. I guess it's immaterial what
day it actually is, but it's kind of what sits right underneath of it. Okay. Tiana,
where can we follow, find, be part of your journey, this extraordinary journey that has been yet to be written as well?
Yeah.
You can keep up to date on my website, tianab.com.
That's B-E-E.
Or follow on Instagram at tiana.bartolettaetta or Twitter at TI Bartoletta.
And Tiana is T-I-A-N-N-A.
So it's TianaB-E-E.com and then all the social handles.
And we'll put that in writing for everybody.
And, you know, it also, I think it's important to take a moment to thank the person that
put us together.
Yes.
Yeah.
And so Jason Calber, Dr. J, as you call him. So he put us together. Yes. Yeah. And so Jason Calber, Dr. J, as you call him.
So he put us together.
Yeah.
And you're enjoying his product that he's created?
Yes.
Refresh helps me sleep.
The way that I train, I need help.
Sometimes unwinding at the end of the day.
And you take the capsule before you are ready to go to bed,
and you just kind of feel yourself unwinding.
And so it's just been the best thing
for me at night. Yeah. And you know, he did the hard yards and the deep work to get it to an NSF.
So it's safe for elite athletes. And if it's safe for you guys, it's safe in that respect,
like the treatment plants and all that, whatever it says on the label is actually in the label,
which is the cool part, which is so important because of the way, you know, I'm drug tested all the time and I care so much about what goes in to my body. So
yeah, he, he really did the work. All right. Okay. So, um, thank you again.
I really enjoyed this conversation. That's two of us.
All right. Thank you so much for diving into another episode
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