Finding Mastery with Dr. Michael Gervais - Day 10 – Family, Friends, Focus: An Olympian’s Challenge | The Game Inside the Games

Episode Date: August 4, 2024

In the high-pressure world of elite sport, the unwavering support of loved ones can be both a powerful boost and a perilous distraction.In this episode of The Game Inside The Games, Nastia Liukin and Dr. Michael Gervais explore the significant impact that family and friends can have on an athlete’s performance at The Games. They discuss how the presence of loved ones, while a vital source of encouragement, can also become a significant distraction that impacts focus and performance.For athletes, The Games represent the pinnacle of their careers—a moment that requires complete mental and emotional focus. However, for family and friends, they are often seen as a celebration, which can unintentionally pull the athlete's attention away from their performance. Nastia shares her unique perspective as a gold medalist, including how her father, who was also her coach, helped her navigate these distractions.They also address modern challenges, such as the impact of social media, which has introduced new distractions that previous generations of athletes didn't face.In this episode, you’ll get an inside look at the emotional management required at the highest level of competition, where the difference between winning and losing often comes down to the ability to stay focused despite the myriad of distractions. Through personal stories and expert insights, the conversation uncovers valuable lessons not just for athletes, but for anyone striving to achieve high performance in high-pressure situations.This episode is brought to you by PwC and Microsoft.PwC and Microsoft Copilot for Microsoft 365 together provide a powerful, multifaceted strategy tailored to the evolving AI landscape, enhancing business operations, communication, and problem-solving. At PwC, we embody this transformation by deploying Copilot for Microsoft 365 across our global network, transforming our operations across all functions to better serve our clients through the power of AI. Learn more: Microsoft Copilot for Microsoft 365: PwC_________________Subscribe to our Youtube Channel for more powerful conversations at the intersection of high performance, leadership, and meaning: https://www.youtube.com/c/FindingMasteryGet exclusive discounts and support our amazing sponsors! Go to: https://findingmastery.com/sponsors/Subscribe to the Finding Mastery newsletter for weekly high performance insights: https://www.findingmastery.com/newsletter Download Dr. Mike's Morning Mindset Routine! https://www.findingmastery.com/morningmindsetFollow us on Instagram, LinkedIn, and X.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Day 10 from Paris. Our family and friends are our biggest support system. And at the games, they can become a massive distraction. Let's dive in. Welcome back, or welcome to The Game Inside the Games on Finding Mastery. I'm Dr. Michael Gervais, who I trade and training a high-performance psychologist. And I'm Nosti Lukin, Olympic gold medalist. And we are here in Paris. And in this special series, we unlock the psychology of pivotal, often unseen moments that can make or break an athlete's dream. What's it like to focus a lifetime of experience into one performance, a single moment? What goes on inside the minds of the brightest stars while the whole world is watching?

Welcome back to Paris, and let's dive into The Game Inside the Games. Welcome back to Paris and The Game Inside the Games, presented by Microsoft Co-Pilot. Nasa, I had four different people yesterday ask me for a ticket request. I know the feeling. It happens all the time. And for an Olympian in competitions, those seemingly simple requests can actually be a huge distraction. And that can make or break an athlete's Olympic dream. It sounds a little silly, but it truly is the case. And today we're going to dive into how the pull of family and friends can impact an athlete's focus and performance at the games.

It is something that doesn't seem like it's a big deal, but it is one of the, it's one of the main things that we put in place prior to arriving at the games. There's so much happening. Technical, tactical training, physical mental training is all kind of culminating. And then what is the greatest distraction when we ask athletes, when they get here, it's family and friends. It's not, it's not the competition that they're really good at competing. And they're ready. They've been training for mentally, 20 years to get here here and so for athletes it's work is game day it is it's a work

trip for folks right this is a business trip i'll say it again in that way absolutely and then for friends and family this is one of the greatest celebrations one of the greatest parties they've been saving up for it they've been looking forward to it, maybe with their children, they've been dreaming about it, you know? And so there's a lot that goes into preparing this part of it. And have you had, you know, a personal experience in this when you were competing? Well, you know, I think I was a little bit lucky because both of my parents had been, you know, world and Olympic champion gymnast as well. And so they kind of were able to be that barrier a little bit of, you know, I didn't also, I'm the only child, my mom's the only child, my dad, you know, so really small family. So luckily I guess we didn't

have too many distractions. Um, and then the few, you know, friends that kind of came kind of almost understood. So I think, but I think I'm on the other side of it. You know, it's like very rare that that happens. You know, I don't think it's normal for people not to like have so many, it's normal to have so many distractions. And so for me, I was so fortunate to have my dad as my coach right next to me, but I will have to say, we weren't really allowed to see our family like until the competition was over. And it might sound a little strict or a little crazy to even think, why can't you see your family? You know, it's the Olympics. Like you said, it's the biggest

event. Well, one of the reasons is because they typically don't come to world championships. They typically don't come to, you know, grind it out competition somewhere on the planet. And so this is really unique and it is one of the greatest celebrations. And this is a new element to manage. They know what a business trip feels like. And it's usually a coach, a couple of support staff and your teammates. And that's it. So now and it seems like, wait, why is this a distraction?

These are the people that have sacrificed for you. Yes. These are the people that have been in your corner for a long time. Check. And there's another thing to pay attention to is that when they come out into the stadium, instead of doing their thing that they're very familiar with, oftentimes they're looking up now for the first time to go find and scan to have a moment of eye contact. And that can be this wonderful wave that washes over and like, my people are here.

Like, I'm with you. They're with me. And it can be energizing. It can also be this little like, I didn't see them. I missed where they were. Yeah. So, you know, that's an interesting point because I remember my mom, she couldn't watch the competition. She was too nervous. Okay. So she would, every single competition come for the warmup and like watch the warmup. She wanted to

like be in the arena. But before every competition, she would ask me like, no matter what I said, and I always said the same exact thing, but she would say, do you want me to stay for the competition? And I was like, whatever you want me to stay for the competition? And I was like, whatever you want. And I truly felt that way because for me, and again, maybe this is kind of just because my situation was so different, but I felt safe. I felt all the things. My dad was right there next to me.

He was coaching me. He was like, so not once did I ever look up into the stands. Yeah, because you, well, uniquely you had your father next to your family. Exactly. But I do know that like some, like other athletes, I know Simone like likes to find her family and, and that's great if she knows like they're going to be there and where they're going to exactly where they're going to be sitting. But a lot of times somebody doesn't have control over that.

So I think it's again again going back to controlling the controllables that's it yeah and if it's not in your hands like for instance if you don't know that you can have the exact same breakfast for your competition like going into the olympic village what if you don't have whatever it is that you have you know and it's like it's a bit of a narrative here is that the food i hope i'm not like really kind of being disparaging to the chef, but the food here has been a struggle. Yeah. I've heard the same. The proteins. Yeah. Like the salad bar has been amazing, but the proteins have been a bit of a struggle. So I was talking to an athlete that is not consuming enough animal protein. And what this athlete was talking about is that like

there's signs showing up that there's a bit of fatigue there's some muscle bruises that are not normal and that for this athlete is about ferritin and that's one of the great sources of ferritin which is animal protein so these are small little things that show up that are different from maybe world championships or other competitions but imagine is that your biggest competition of your entire life you know and that's but i'm glad you bring that up because that's the there's a framing either you're going to see this as the biggest competition or just another competition no absolutely agree and when family or friends are there if your best mindset is to see this as another competition the beam width doesn't change the bar distance doesn't change the floor dimensions don't change like the only thing that changes is that there's more eyeballs watching than before.

And for me, my philosophy, this is not all the athletes I work with, my philosophy is I want to keep it the same. Because I know how to do that. And I'm not sure how to do this kind of big hoopla thing. And it's orthogonal to my philosophy of life life which is every moment is the only moment we get so be great as great as i can in this moment and so so the other thing that we put in place for this newness if you will for some of the athletes is we we almost want to take their cell phone away it's not possible but did you have this okay well 2008 i didn't have social media yeah so i had the iphone one so it was just i had like a very basic phone and there was not a lot of distraction and i think

i go back to that and even in that moment it felt like there was distraction you know but there really wasn't compared to even now now oh it's it's i i truly don't understand how these athletes can do it you know that like it's the constant chatter and noise and but it's also so instant you know it's like you finish training you're on your phone you finish a competition you're immediately on your phone and it's no matter if you tell her to like don don't read, you know, my dad actually had this rule. I was allowed to, obviously like you have to give the interviews. I was never allowed to, because this is one, like you couldn't go on, you know, any social platform. You had to go on the website and like, look up the article. And he had this rule that I wasn't allowed to read anything good or bad

until after the competition was over. And because it can affect you both ways. If it's negative, like you, you know, you're obviously there goes your confidence and like you start overthinking everything, but if it's good, same exact thing,

you can't be overconfident. But well, both of the same drug is that someone outside of the immediate team is providing context or perspective. Who doesn't know anything about you. They don't really know. And so that's something that we did at the seattle seahawks like the nine season seasons i was there it was a constant message that the people in the locker room understand what's happening for this

team they don't know they might sound like it they might hit a nerve because there's you know but they don't really know so let's not look outside of ourselves to know how we are doing yeah look inside to yourself look to each other understand and get to the truth and then that is far more powerful but it's so so challenging on like with social media right it's like it really i do think it adds a whole different like level of trying to be to block out the noise. When somebody is struggling, when you're struggling or I'm struggling in some part of my life, it is reflexive to want to look outside for help, for guidance. 100%.

And right now we're in a phase where the Olympic Village is starting to clear out. There is more heartbreak at the Olympicslympics than celebration most people don't win gold or silver or bronze most people come and have an amazing competitive experience and leave without um a pr a personal record or a personal best or a medal and so there's we're now kind of shifting into that phase where there's some heartbreak that's around the village. Anxiety and stress is high. This despair, despondent, frustration. So there's a different tone right now than the boys of the opening ceremonies and the arrival and all of that.

And elite competition is about emotional management. How do you use your mind to give yourself direction on where you want to go and the emotions that will facilitate that? I mean, a great example after winning the all-around gold medal was competing the next day. And I had three more days of competition after that. And it was so challenging to stay so laser focused, even more focused than I was before the all around, because you just want to take a deep breath and celebrate and relax for like a split second, but you can't. Just a couple episodes ago, Lindsay Vaughn said the same thing that when she

won, she was so depleted that her next competition, she didn't have what she normally had. I remember it so clearly. And my dad telling me, you know, and he knew that too, you know, he wanted to sell it, but he wanted the same exact thing. We'd both been working my entire life for that moment. But now, you know, he kind of put it in perspective and we all have a different perspective, but the way he explained it was you're now going out here for the very first time as the Olympic champion. And the first time when I stepped onto the floor, it was the floor exercise finals. And I was not even expected to medal, let alone win. But he said, just remember that like you are now, people are looking at you, not just like as somebody that's expected or like that could win like you are now the olympic champion wow and i stepped on onto the floor

and when i heard the announcer kind of say that like in the arena that felt different how does that change you in that moment does that give you energy or did that create some sort of, it's like a spotlight or a shadow? Did that create? No, I needed that. I needed to hear that because I was so, I was on the like edge of wanting to just relax because I was so mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. And I needed to hear that. Like it wasn't more pressure, like all the pressure that I had, like it was a different kind of pressure, like that I wanted to live up to that. I felt like this almost like pride and honor to be able to go out there on the floor as the Olympic champion and perform again. Some coaches, this is your dad in particular, have such wisdom about how

to, how to guide or navigate or help somebody experience or add perspective to the experience. And I want to share with you, there's a coach, Fiappo, he has been to, this is his six Olympic games. And he sends a note to his athletes, the hardest part of focus is not saying yes to your goal. In other words, that's easy easy but being able to say no to the many other possibilities that exist choose wisely is what he says and that idea of all of the distractions that around all of the internal narratives you could say yes to a thousand things but there are things that you need to say no to helps to narrow the focus getting back to what we've been talking about controlling or even

mastering the controllables and you didn't have this but this is something that we put in place for for athletes is who is going to hold your distraction umbrella and what does that mean i was talking about cell phones earlier is like is there a point person that can be the person to say no no she can't. No, that's not going to happen. There are no more tickets. I'm so sorry. She's not available.

Basically the bad guy. Right. Who is that? Who is that person that's going to do that? And it's typically like a spouse or a partner, or maybe it's a parent in some cases. And the other thing is, this is a big, a big point of for adult competitors, is when do I get to see my people? They've spent lots of time, money, sacrifice. We're finally at the games.

And most coaches want to say there'll be one or two days over the three weeks. No, if that. Yeah. And so for your case, there was adults that were like, look, I can manage this. Absolutely. And, you know, so and I think that that is there's a fine line between balancing what the athlete wants and what the athlete needs and understanding we can't be too rigid because now there's a confining feeling. We can't be too loose. We're finding that sweet spot.

These are all things that are done well in advance of the games. And then when we get to the games, they get pushed on. Right. All of these boundaries get pushed on because the athletes will go, yeah, yeah, I get it. And then when they're here, right. Wait, hold on. I need to see my people. I promise I'm good. I'm in a good spot, you know, and it becomes challenging. And every single athlete is also so different, but you have to kind of implement the same rules for everybody on the team, you know? So that's also a challenge in my opinion. Is that how you would do it? You would treat everyone equally the same? I would, because then it becomes not fair, you know, it's like being late for a training and

they missed their training, unfortunately, but it does like, it has to, you have to play fair by the rules. And that's part of like the whole Olympic movement and, you know, playing clean, playing fair and all of that. I think, again, it comes down to your person, like your head coach as a, as a team and as a country. And I know when you're at a national championships or something like your individual coach has the roles for you, but when you're representing the country, you have to follow, you know, the same rules that your teammates do.

There's another thing that's taking place right now is the team leads. So this is like the national governing body team lead. So this is an administrator. They are exhausted right now because there are so many on the ground variables that are shifting and changing and they they are exhausted yes yeah and if their exhaustion if they don't have the skills to manage themselves during this very high pressured hundreds if not a thousand micro decisions throughout the day to optimize for high performance there's two things i want to say one if they don't know what high performance looks and feels like that that's this is going to sound almost um like rude but not everyone knows that

that that language that that tone and so if they don't know that then then the whole team kind of gets compromised in a way and if they can't manage the emotional experience, then that starts to seep into some coaches and some other administrators. And, and now they're managing two things, the pressures of the games with the athletes and this other thing. So there's all these buffers. They set the tone for basically the entire team. A hundred percent. Yeah. And so the fatigue that they're under is really important. So supporting them is incredibly important. And the second thing is all of the stuff that we're talking about ought to be managed well in advance. So if they don't have a relationship with, oh, I don't know, an attorney or a manager or an agent or a family member that's challenging or difficult. Like this is a four year process for most teams, right? A quad. Yeah.

And over that four years, if you don't know your people, if the team lead or now all of a sudden you're trying to get to know someone in the most stressful situation possible. So this is like probably two years in is when I like to suggest inviting people to a world championship or hosting something where we get to know each other. And now the management of it is actually quite. Manageable. Yeah. It's a lot easier for the distractions.

Right. Family and friends historically are noted as one of the greatest distractions to athletes. And the greatest support system at the same time. So it's very much a, yeah. And in balance, you know, it is that balance and it's hard to be able to find the balance between that distraction, but also knowing that they have sacrificed just as much as you have being the athlete. And I, I find this to show up in my own life as well. I love my family, my friends, like I would not be the human I am without them. And at the same time, the love I have for what I do and the craft I have, sometimes there's a tension there.

And some people, when they talk about like work and family, their conversation is I can't wait to be done with work to get with family. And then I go on, maybe I'm like, I'm a bad family member. I love both. And I want more time on both. And that's my internal tension and pressure is, so my commitment, this is what I learned from athletes and the games highlights it, is my commitment is to be all in where I am. It's not about time allocation. It's about investment in love and that allocation with what I'm actually doing. So quick story, Kobe was one of my biggest mentors. And I remember specifically on this topic, he always said, perfect balance. And then he would would say unless you're on the balance beam is is almost impossible and what he meant by that and what he said was work life and family life and if you spend too much attention or too much time you know in your family then your work life

like suffers a little bit and if you spend too much time on your work life then your work life like suffers a little bit. And if you spend too much time in your work life, then your family life kind of suffers a little bit being constantly aware. And if you feel that one is kind of going the other way, put a little bit more time in the other one, put a little bit more energy, put a little bit more thought. And I feel like that's the perfect way to kind of like, we all try so hard to have and find that perfect balance. And sometimes that just doesn't exist and it's okay. But being aware of where you need to put more time and energy into. Yeah. Like personally, I don't, I'm not sure how your, your system is set up, but you know, I've been away for about three weeks now for my family. Like it's hard. It's hard. And the

athletes are saying the same thing. It's hard. And they happen to be in the same city. Right. That makes it even i think more challenging yeah it really is so close but so far away yeah i think that that's how so many of us feel in life you know that tension between it and it's heightened here at the games there's so much we can learn from athletes beyond like how beautiful and strong they look and like this idea that they're born differently no they're going through the same stuff and the courage to lay it out there you know this millions of people watching and to come up shorter than you had hoped is radical we have so much to learn because each

one of us might not be able to do it all of us cannot do what you do like there's like three people in the world or 10 people in the world that can do what you did. But it's really not even about that. It's about like the overarching purpose and meaning, right. Of succeeding, or I don't really believe in failing, but learning from your mistakes and, you know, to do it in front of millions watching, like that takes courage in itself, you know know like to put it into perspective imagine that you know you're trying to get this new job or this new title and it's between you and somebody else and you know this person that's making that decision is telling you that like the decision in an arena just you two standing there in front of 20,000 people watching and millions watching

back at home that you didn't get the job, but your friend did. And, and you had, they, everybody watched the interview process. A hundred percent. Yeah. And they were judging on things that like you didn't do well. It's pretty radical. And I'll take it one step further, which is imagine, so take it out of the job world and put it into the family life. Imagine the the world is watching yeah it's dramatic for a moment i like being dramatic sometimes but imagine that millions of people are watching and you have to be incredibly honest with your partner about the things that scare you well that's actually what's required for a good relationship that level of vulnerability and honesty and trying to work it out and millions are watching how you're doing with the thing that matters to you because we

got to watch you do the thing that mattered to you and it requires great vulnerability great emotional management incredible attentional control and then obviously the technical and physical you know things that flow from there so i, this is one of the reasons I love the games and we're right in the thick of a very emotional phase at the games, family and friends. One last piece and we'll round it out here. Family and friends do not necessarily know what to say. And there's like, yeah, I don't know if there's ever a right thing to say. Sometimes after a win, after a loss and athletes, certainly after a poor performance,

athletes are heightened. And like, do you, do you know family member and coaches as well? Do we give them space? How do we support them? And I think that's what I mean. Like the athlete might not even know in that moment, right? Because sometimes you've never been in this experience with a family or a friend at the game or anywhere. Yeah. So it's you've never experienced these things. You know, there's a way that I you said something earlier, like asking. It is so critically important that we ask more than we tell. And early on when I'm working with an athlete is that I say, okay, when it gets dark and you go into the cave, we all have a cave, the emotional cave. When you go into the cave, do you want me to go in there and grab you? It's option one. There's three options here.

Do you want me to just wait by the door silently? Or do you want me to wait by the door and let you know I'm here and ping you? Like, hey. Checking in. Ready to come out. Like, how you doing? I'm here for you. So those are three options.

Go in, wait quietly, or wait with some checking in. And if you know that about the other other person like if i know that about my spouse my my wife and if i know that about people i'm supporting it just makes my job that much more clean and we've agreed right we've agreed so you don't have to wonder you don't have to like wonder if you're doing the right thing saying the right thing or not you know and i think that's on both sides right it's it's communication. So right now there are viewers and listeners that are supporting their athletes here at the games. And if you could speak right to a mom or dad or a cousin or an aunt or a manager or a friend, what would you say to them? I mean, I think for me, it was my mom wrote me a card when I left Texas to go to the Olympics and it was waiting for me when I got back by my vision board by the medal and still have it and it says

you did it love you mom and that was it she didn't know what was gonna happen but regardless of the outcome like you you did it like you you know you went to the olympics you achieved your dream i do think maybe that there was like this whole feeling that she maybe felt that i was going to achieve like a higher dream than just going, um, putting it by my vision board. But I think it was seeing that when I got back home was her basically knowing that she was going to be proud of me regardless. And I think sometimes like we get so wrapped up in the end result and trying to achieve something or do something not just for yourself, but for somebody else or other people in your life. And so I think

that's what I would say, just to let your athlete, your, you know, your spouse, your, whoever it is that's competing, know that you're proud regardless, you know, no matter what happens, like you're going to love them no matter what, you're going to be proud no matter what. And I think just hearing that sometimes, like, even if you know it, you know, you quote unquote, we all know that, but like, sometimes that's all you need to hear. Awesome. Unconditional, positive regard, accepting the path that's unfolding because you know that they're trying their very best. Beautiful. What a great conversation about friends and family and deep focus. Before we go, we want to talk about our partners. Our AI insights today are brought to you by PWC and Microsoft. PWC elevates your AI transformation with Copilot for Microsoft 365.

Hey Copilot, I've had a few friends show up in Paris last minute and they're asking for tickets, but I don't have any to offer. What are some helpful suggestions for them to find tickets? Here are a few options your friends can look into. One, check the official ticketing website linked below. As a pro tip, new tickets are released every Thursday. Two, check official resale platforms and lastly you can go check with the Athletes Village information desk to see if they have any leads I hope your friends find some tickets

that's pretty funny because that's like no kidding go do your work this is how it's supposed to go so maybe it's like you copy paste or send the audio to your family and friends yeah well thanks Mike. That was awesome.

It's great to be in Paris and we will see you tomorrow on the game inside the games.