Finding Mastery with Dr. Michael Gervais - Turning Pain Into Passion | Trent Dilfer

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

This week’s conversation is with Trent Dilfer, a 14 year NFL veteran and Super Bowl Champion.Trent played for five teams during his career, including the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Baltimore Ravens, Seattle Seahawks, Cleveland Browns, and San Francisco 49ers.He led the Ravens to a 34-7 victory over the Giants in Super Bowl XXXV (35).Trent has now made it his mission in life to “give back” and has become a positive role model, coach and mentor for upcoming High School Quarterbacks through Elite 11 where he’s had the opportunity to pass on his knowledge and wisdom of the quarterbacking position to the next generation of future College and NFL Players.Trent and I met at Elite 11 and that’s where I got to learn about how special a human being he is.In this conversation we discuss Trent’s journey to the NFL, what he’s learned about himself along the way, and how that ultimately led him to coaching high school football – where he’s currently the head football coach at the Lipscomb Academy in Nashville, Tennessee.And while Trent is well known for his work on the football field, this conversation is really about who Trent is as a man off it._________________Subscribe to our Youtube Channel for more powerful conversations at the intersection of high performance, leadership, and meaning: https://www.youtube.com/c/FindingMasteryGet exclusive discounts and support our amazing sponsors! Go to: https://findingmastery.com/sponsors/Subscribe to the Finding Mastery newsletter for weekly high performance insights: https://www.findingmastery.com/newsletter Download Dr. Mike's Morning Mindset Routine! https://www.findingmastery.com/morningmindsetFollow us on Instagram, LinkedIn, and X.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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there's still a part of me that I know where that is. And it still lives in me today. I think I'm a high school football coach and an NFL football coach because I recognize that if I went down that road, that NFL football, I'd be just like all those NFL guys that I hate. It's about them. It's about ambition. It has nothing to do with the player. It has nothing to do with the wins and the losses in the game. It's about them.

I would probably be that guy. But at 47, when I decided to do this, I needed to humble myself and say, no, this isn't about me. I need to do something where it's about everybody else. Because all the issues I've had in my life okay welcome back or welcome to the finding mastery podcast i'm michael gervais and by trade and training i'm a sport and performance psychologist as well as the co-founder of compete to create and the whole idea behind these conversations is to learn from people who are committed to mastery. And they might not say that like, I'm on the path of mastery, but they are committed to understanding the nuances of their craft. And in doing so, they have so much to teach us about their framework, about the mental skills that they use, about how they organize their inner life, how they explain events outside of them. And so these conversations are meant for us to learn with one aim in mind for us to apply the skills, to apply the insights so that we can help others

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When he was with the Ravens, he was part of the team that won in Super Bowl 35. And they had a pretty dominant win, 34-7 over the New York Giants. Trent and I first met at a program called Elite 11. And it's the premier quarterback camp. It's a nationwide search for the top 11 quarterbacks in the country going into college. And he's got this amazing story. And that's really what this podcast and conversation is about. He's a mentor for so many young men.

And this conversation, we discuss his journey to the NFL. That's all part of it. And what he learned about himself along the way and how that ultimately led him to wanting to now, what he's doing right now, is to coach high school football. And you might recognize one of his stops along the way that he was one of the voices for ESPN for Monday Night Football. He understands football in and out. He understands the quarterback position. And this conversation is about so much more than football. It's almost an excuse to talk about relationships. And he and I have known each other for a long time. You'll hear that in the

conversation. But this is really about the stuff that he's made of. And Trent Lowkey has some phenomenal parenting advice that I'm definitely going to start using moving forward as well. So with that, let's jump right into this week's conversation with Trent Dilfer. Trent Dilfer, how are you? Doing great, brother. Finally able to do this with you. I know. This is this is awesome okay so you and i've had the fortune of knowing each other for a long time and um been in a couple foxholes um that make believe if you will right like it's all been fun and purposeful but some tough decisions are made and some arguments have been had and lots of laughter um you know, some good, some good tears, you know, we've shed some tears together

as well. And so my community might not know your history. And so they'll know you from being a professional athlete and, you know, won a Superbowl, but could you try this? And you and I've never done this. And I wanted to make a commitment to us because we know each other so well that let's maybe not try to go places that we definitely know, but let's hit some notes so that people get a sense of you. And then to use this conversation to take our relationship further. But so can you give like the chapters of your life? You know, if there was a book, the Dilfer book, right? What would, what would the chapters be? And let's just kind of make it up as we go, like chapter one, early days, but what is the title of that chapter?

That's great. Okay. And hold me to not being too long-winded because you know I can just start going and the audience will get bored. Like I'm here with you. Like let's go. Chapter one, I would say is two dads. My parents got divorced when I was two. My mom remarried when I was five to my stepdad, who is still a huge part of my life. I feel like I had the greatest stepdad in the history of

stepdad. But my dad, my true father was still really involved. Now he passed 10 years ago. Um, but up until his passing, I mean, he was my, he was my soulful, sensitive, non-athletic academic, um, thinker influence. I think a lot of my roots of thinking through things and being sensitive, I'm a crier. You know, you know, this, I, my kids make fun of me all the time. I'll probably cry in this interview. I cry all the time. He was the one that gave me the freedom to express my emotion. How did that happen? How did he do that? Well, hold on. Actually, before you answer that, when you said two dads, I wanted to cry. Even as well as we know stage of my life for 15 years where it was just that it is what it is. But now that he's been gone for 10 years, the cancer ravished him in a matter of like five months.

I didn't have a cold for 20 years. The man didn't go to the hospital or the doctor for 20 years. In a matter of five months, he was skin and bones. But I think, yeah, every, in fact, my mom sent me a picture of a painting she's a she's an artist and she sent me a picture of a painting she was going through a house and she's like I'm going to give this to you you know one day and it's it's not my dad but it looks like my dad and all of a sudden two nights ago I'm sitting on my couch I'm looking at this picture and I start getting emotional. Like I haven't been emotional about my real father in years, but for whatever reason, I started getting a little emotional. I was showing my two girls

that are living with us right now that are in college and showing them the picture. I'm like, for some reason, this is like pulling on my heartstrings. Um, so yeah, I find myself getting more reflective, more emotional, more appreciative of his influence in my life. But he taught me to cry. Like, I think he saw that my stepdad was football coach, tough football player. He appreciated my stepdad to go along very well, but I think he wanted to counterbalance that over masculine. I don't know, it's a term like this, this masculinity complex that maybe he saw me having and balance it with a sensitivity and a deep thinking appreciation for the other side. Um, he would read, uh, you know, very high level stuff to me.

He was a chef. He believed in meditation before meditation was cool. He was doing yoga before yoga was cool. Towards the end of his years, he would take 30 mile walks during the course of the day through the Redwoods in Northern California. He'd be gone all day like when texting was just starting he would text me in the morning and then text me at night an entire time he was on these walking he would call him walking meditation what was dad searching for that's a great question because he died not knowing Christ. And that was my, you know, where I stand with that.

I begged him on his deathbed. I think he was searching. I think there were some deep scars in his life that he never shared with me. And I can only assume what they are. And I think he was searching for what life after death looked like. But he searched every arena. You know what I mean? He literally went down every rabbit hole there was. I think he enjoyed that journey. I almost believe he enjoyed that torment. He saw the peace that I had as his son in an authentic relation with Christ.

He appreciated that, but he wasn't good. I think he saw that as the easy road. Instead, he wanted to go find some other path to fulfillment. Um, and we would have some, I was never, you know, I mean, I'm never going to bang anybody over the head with a Bible, but I had a lot of really deep conversations with him about that. And he was always super respectful and super appreciative of my path, but he just felt like his path was different. I don't know how it's probably something I'll go to my deathbed still probably wondering why, you know, I think we all have that issues at some level. And I think this is my dad issue. Yeah. It sounds like he created space and he also committed and he also to explore and he also saw you, right? He, he really saw you. And so what is the issue with your dad?

Is the issue that you don't, you didn't really know what he was searching for underneath? I think that's it. Yeah. You like, you didn't know that part of him. Yeah. Ah, yeah. That's the sadness, I guess, if there's any,

um, that's the sadness. I don't know what he was searching for. Yeah. I want to know your dad's name. I don't know his name. Doug. His name is Doug.

Hmm. Same last, uh, Dilfer? Yeah. He was Dilfer. So I'm the last living male Dilfer. Yeah. You got a house full of women. It's awesome. Yeah. Okay. So what are you searching for? I don't know if I'm really searching. I, um, So maybe dad wasn't like, we got it. We got it on. I want to understand this parallel. I think I know, I think you're searching for something, but I'll hold, I'll hold my tongue here for a while.

There might be something I'm searching for from, uh, maximizing my gifts. You know, I think we've, we've explored that a lot um that's fair i think there's a i don't want to package it only in the professionalism bucket but there's that there's no doubt i'm still searching for what my 98 mile per hour heater is with my gifts um but i think also i can also appreciate the journey that I may not know that for a long time I think I'm closer to finding it than I have in a long time but in terms of purpose peace I'm not searching for anything I've never been more secure in who I am whose I am, uh, whose I am, uh, my relationship with God, um, the grace mercy, um, bestowed upon me.

Um, I, I have zero, literally zero, um, things I'm looking out in the clouds for there. I have total comfort and peace and understanding of that. I think it's more, again, my searching is always, okay, gosh, I'm pretty good at this. I'm not good at that. I'm great at this, whatever it is. And how can I impact the most people with that giftedness? And then I also bite off more than I can chew a lot of times. And then that kind of negatively affects the impact I can have with the gifts that I have. Is that how you get in your way is you say yes to too much too often? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I have, I have the same, you and I have that same thing.

It's a little complex where I like to save things. You know, I think that same thing. I'm a little bit of a hippocampus where I like to save things. You know, I think that, and this sounds arrogant, I don't mean it from an arrogant standpoint, but I'll see an issue, I'll see a problem, and I'll see the people that are trying to solve the problem. I'm like, they're not capable of solving this problem. So I'm going to jump in and solve the problem. And that negatively affects my marriage, obviously.

Any man out there knows that. They don't want to be fixed all the time. It negatively affects my marriage. Obviously any man out there knows that they don't want to be fixed all the time. Um, it negatively affects my parenting at times because now college and married daughters don't want me fixing all their stuff. Um, which I've gotten better, but in every area of my life, coaching when it was TV producers, content, building elite 11, whatever it is, I see something that isn't being done with excellence and i and maybe this is narcissism i feel like i can jump in and and do a better job well then i do that four or five six times well that just took away from the 98 mile per hour heater that i should be focusing on instead i'm throwing as a pitching

knowledge instead i'm throwing junk all day i look at it 87 pitches later and i threw 38 curveballs 16 change-ups you know for two seamers instead of just sitting there the whole day and throwing gas on the outside corner and striking people out there you go i i i feel that same pain like the distraction of kind of the main thing. And so the hub, our hubs are similar, but our approaches are different, right? Like our hub is wanting to help others find their best, be their best, to thrive in life, you know? And you've got football as your main mechanism, but you can actually teach the mechanics of it and the tactics and strategy. You've also got an incredible, illustrious career in media where you've been able to use the platform of sport to be able to talk about the inner game as well. So in some ways, there's the parallels between the two of us, other than I don't know the tactics and strategies and mechanics of football.

Right. I know the tactics and strategies of the mind. And that's where you and I have had such a fun friendship and companionship in that space, like tactics and strategy meets mindset and approaches, right? So that being said, so that's chapter one. What's chapter two? Rebellion. Okay. So chapter one ended at what age and where did you live?

1617 Aptos, California. Incredible place to grow up. You know, northern coast. Yeah. Unbelievable. Great people. Just an awesome way to grow up. I really started rebelling late high school.

Rebelling to me was showing off. You know what I mean? I could show off on the basketball court. I was a really gifted basketball player. I could show up on the football field. I could also show up drinking beer, you know, and chasing girls and getting in fights or whatever it is. It was, I think most of us that have rebelled

to a certain amount of time, there's a guilt associated with it because it's so selfish. I mean, I look back at how selfish I was and people I hurt. And even though it's teenage hurt, you're still hurting people. Um, so that, that carried on to my second year in college. That's when I kind of renewed my commitment to God. So I would say 16 to 20 was full rebellion. Why did you turn to alcohol and drugs? I don't know. Because I could do more of it, right? I could win.

I mean, literally, it goes back to that competitive psychotic gene that some of us elite competitors have that whether it's beer pong or football it's the same thing to me right whether it's a fight in burger king or a basketball game it's the same thing to me i will do whatever it takes to win there was no like i've learned this about competitors there's a lot of really good competitors that can go to the 19th floor right there's a handful of us that will explode through the top floor and then jump off and that that's kind of where i was at was i hadn't i couldn't regulate that gene so it manifests itself when sports weren't there or when i could just show up high to a basketball game and

score 35 like what challenge is basketball anymore you know so it was the next thing that I could do bigger, badder, more glamorous than the next guy. And thank God it was a short run. You know, I mean, unfortunately, I know people that they're still on that run in their 40s. My run ended in about four years. Yeah. Okay. And so it wasn't a numbing thing. It was like a thrill thing. It wasn't numbing pain. It was a thrill. Yeah. In fact, that's interesting because I know you're a surfer and actually through Elite 11, I've kind of started to appreciate the surf community more. I'm shocked I didn't surf more because a lot of my buddies did going on Northern California, the rush. To me, I'm surprised I didn't cliff dive. I did ski for a while. And when I skied, I took the same approach. I was looking for danger. So I couldn't, I could care less about the intermediate groom slopes. I was looking for bumps, trees, vert,

poor conditions, like point them downhill and let's get to the bottom. And if I run into some stuff, well. Yeah, I know that about you. Like, what do you get from that? As I think you and I speak the same language and it, and I say that, um, there's each community has their own language and, you know, there's subtleties of those languages and people that appreciate consequence and risk and the thrill that comes with it. There is a language there. And so what were you, what were you getting from it? Praise. So it was mostly external. Yeah. Extra. My wife was right here. She'd be like, Oh, really? You finally figured this out that you need affirmation. Oh, that you you did that so people pat you on the back oh you did tv for 10

years so people could tell you how great you are like i want to make sure we end today let me just fast forward i do want to make sure we end with this i think the greatest thing i've learned in 48 years is i i know who i am And I can admit all the garbage that I have and there's still tons of it, right? But at least I recognize, like my mastery is self-awareness. And she would be sitting there going, well, you're not that self-aware.

I am, I just still go, I don't like that part of me, you know? So I don't want to talk about it all the time. But yeah, there's still a part of me that I know where that is, and it still lives in me today. I think I'm a high school football coach and an NFL football coach because I recognize that if I went down that road, that NFL football, I'd be just like all those NFL guys that I hate.

It's about them. It's about ambition. It has nothing to do with the player. It has nothing to do with the wins and the losses in the game. It's about them. It's about ambition. It has nothing to do with the player. It has nothing to do with the wins and the losses in the game. It's about them. I would probably be that guy. But at 47, when I decided to do this, I needed to humble myself

and say, no, this isn't about me. I need to do something where it's about everybody else. Because all the issues I've had in my life is when it's been about me. And going back to this rebellion stage, it was, I rebelled because it drew attention to me and people go, oh, wow, you're a badass at that, man. Now, looking back at it, it's ridiculous, but that's what it was. Finding Mastery is brought to you by Momentous.

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feel the difference for yourself, Felix Gray is offering all Finding Mastery listeners 20% off. Just head to FelixGray.com and use the code FindingMastery20 at checkout. Again, that's Felix Gray. You spell it F-E-L-I-X-G-R-A-Y.com and use the code FindingMastery20 at FelixGray.com for 20% off. So did you not get the attention from the two dad phase of like, because it sounded like dad saw you, your biological dad, but your stepdad maybe didn't see you and it was more about performance. And I'm making some leaps here, but. There are somedad maybe didn't see you. And it was more about performance. And I'm making some leaps here, but there are some leaps and I get this. And I, you know, and another thing, you know, about me, I've gone through a lot of counseling and we'll get into

the biggest chapter of my life, which is the pain chapter. So I've done a lot of this deep digging into my life through trained professionals, great ones, yourself being one of them. Um, I can't point back to any neglect by my parents. I can't blame them for anything. Like I have, my dad filled this part of my soul, which I really value. My stepdad's unbelievable. He was awesome. Like, I can't think of anything he didn't do for me. My mom was amazing. Now my stepmom, we didn't get along great, but she wasn't a bad person. I don't know. My wife asked me the question, you know, why have you done some of the stuff you've done? I don't know. Maybe that's what I'm searching for.

I mean, maybe we're digging into something. I don't know why some destructive behavior I've had in my life has popped up because I have nobody to blame. I don't have one of these stories where, you know, abuse physical or otherwise caused me to go do something. Most of my destruction has been, I guess I chose, I chose it. Yeah. Well, you have high agency. So that makes sense to me that you, you see yourself as being somebody who has, um, volitional control of oneself, right? Like you have high efficacy in agency is the word that keeps coming up, but that's a little bit of a weird word. Like you believe that you can make a difference in your life. So of course you're not going to take, adopt a victim role.

It doesn't suit your narrative. It doesn't suit your, your approach to life. So, um, you know, I, there's probably something to continue to explore there, but that's not the purpose of this conversation, nor the purpose of maybe even life, I think is, I'm not so convinced we need to understand all the wise, like traditional psychotherapy would say, let's go explore that stuff, you know, and I'm more interested in like, what was and then how are you applying that and building towards the next iteration of you like the and that sounds so technical, but it's like, I'm the way I think about it is that I have a sense of who I am. And I also at my best, and I'm trying to be closely aligned to that in, in everything that I do. It's not like my best is something out there. It's like,

it's just less available than I'd like it to be. And when I'm right. And when I'm fully aligned with it, it's like, Oh yeah, there it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. And sometimes that's moments. Sometimes it's years, you know. Do you find that sometimes your nature will pull you away from what you're best at? So for instance, I know I'm best serving. I know I'm best teaching. I know I'm best giving, but I also am very selfish. And then I'll get, I'll allow myself to go down a selfish road. Let's call it a self-gratification through activity so golf you know i was a very good golfer used to play a ton of golf i would go down on these okay i like this oh i got to play 18 holes oh the sun was great oh i got to go to a great club i'm going

on a golf trip and then next you know three months later i look back and i haven't given i haven't served i haven't taught because I've golfed. Just as simple, but what I'm saying is my selfish nature would pull me away from doing what I know is my best. Yeah, I think... Or are you more disciplined than me and don't let that happen? No, no. For me, it's more subtle because my business is about giving. And so what it ends up looking like for me is I pour into my business and in some cases trickier because it's like hiding behind the benevolent giver in business, you know, but actually it's feeding I wonder if people listening are being able to recognize the depth of the work you've done to have the clarity to make it simple and to have the freedom to say, here's my warts. I'm going to talk about all of them.

Here's my mistakes. I'm trying to sort it out and I don't really know. But I wonder if people can recognize it. Because if you're not careful, it would sound so simple. But the amount of work you've been through, well, one, you're not simple, but the amount of work you've been through is deep and rich. Well, and now that, so chapter three is climbing. I spent my career climbing. Because anybody, any climber knows there's a lot of falling. Right?

Yeah, okay. When you climb, you fall. So I had these wild highs and these wild lows as I climbed. I had great people around me. You entered into the bat stages of the climb, but people helped me recognize you better learn something from this journey. So, okay. So this was the twenties, this is twenties till... This is twenties into mid thirties. To mid thirties. Okay. So where'd you go to college?

Fresno State. Played ball. Played ball, had a great career. Trophy candidate. Sixth pick of the draft. Worst quarterback in football after two years. Pro Bowl after four. Super Bowl after six. Journeyman, but well-paid journeyman.

So really well-paid at the back end of my career. Injuries derailed. Learned a lot. Became a big-time learner. Like, first seven years of my career injuries derailed learned a lot became a big-time learner like first seven years of my career and go throw the balls out i'm a dude let's play that's probably why it was like this drinking back half drinking and drugging no no no clean no no no none of that ended at 2020 ish okay yeah okay um no just not a learner first seven years kind of i'll figure it out but i didn't take deep dives into things i didn't ask the whys i didn't explore i didn't get into

the weeds enough back seven years body's broken you know every injury you can have not half the athlete i was sorry when, when I started. But now I want to learn it all. So now I'm taking deep, deep, deep dives. I mean, I would drive coaches crazy. I want to know more than the coaches. But it was all in this climb. You know, I was just climbing in the professional.

I'm climbing as a parent. You know, I've raised four kids. And then we'll get into Chapter 4, which is the most relevant chapter, but you know, just a marriage trying to evolve as a husband, um, businessman had a lot of wealth, didn't know what to do with it. Didn't know how to handle it. Um, just a lot of, I guess it's the journey of figuring it out. You know, you know, I use that term figured out in this all the time. I was kind of figuring it out. And what did you learn during that phase? The climbs, the falls, the figuring it out stuff, what'd you learn? I mean, that's a long answer. I'd say the biggest principles I learned, um, how I easily articulate them. Um, listen, I think I became a much better listener.

Um, there's so many, you have to learn not just who to listen to, but what to listen to, um, how to listen to them. Um, how there's a, there's a grit aspect to climbing. Like you better know what your passion is. You better persevere towards that. So I think there was a lot of, you challenged me early on was, you know, writing out who I was in 20 words or less, you know, exercises to kind of, what is your vision? What is your passion? What are you gifted at? And then aim towards those things. So, um, you know, the, the climb analogies, I knew where the peak was and I knew that what I was doing at the time

wouldn't get me there. So I better go start learning different climbing tactics to be able to get to the peak. Um, and what was the peak for you? Yeah. What was the peak for you? I don't know the peak for me was probably peace with well and again i still think i'm searching for some of this and maybe i haven't reached the peak but finding that peace and that you're using your gifts to them you're maximizing your gifts yeah so i have great regret that I didn't maximize my physical gifts. Every quarterback in the NFL,

every quarterback I talked to, I say, listen, one, I didn't do half the stuff I'm going to teach you. Right. I wasn't, didn't learn it.

Didn't know it. Wish I would have, I would have been a better player, but two, I'm also going to help you understand how important it is you learn this now. Because I was really good. I was really talented. I shouldn't say good.

I was very, very talented. For instance, everybody's watching the combine these days. They're looking at the metrics of these quarterbacks. I was 6'4", 236, had one of the strongest arms in the world, ran 4'6", 40, 33-inch vertical leap, 10-inch broad. You know, I'd blow the combine away. I was one of those guys. Now, I wasn't a very good player. I was a very, very good athlete.

And I didn't maximize those athletic years the best way. And I regret that. So what do you do when you have regrets about something? Okay, well, what's the next thing that I can really maximize? Oh, I got a decent brain. Okay, so I'm going to maximize that. Oh, I'm a decent communicator. Well, then I'm going to maximize that.

Oh, I'm pretty gifted at coaching. Well, then I'm going to maximize that. So I'm looking. That's what I'm searching for. I think I'm searching for not making the same mistake that I made with my physical. But I want to make sure that if I recognize a gift that I have now, that I can maximize it. And now I've really packaged the last 10 years of my life, I want to maximize it for others to other people's good. You know, if I'm a communicator, if I'm a great teacher, not saying I am, but if I am, I want to make sure I'm impacting others with that skill and not

just using that to fill my bank accounts. Now there's anything wrong with that, but that I want that to be my motivation or my motivation to be to pour into others with the gifts that I recognize that I have and that I'm developing. Is that making sense? Oh yeah. Yeah. Great. Okay. So at the end, I'm going to ask you what you're, what you're thinking your crown jewels are your gifts, but let's, let's keep rolling here. Um, are we on chapter five now? No chapter four pain pain. Okay. Yeah. Oh, chapter four is pain. Okay. Yep. Yeah. Chapter four lost our son Trevin at five and a half years old. He was our second born. A virus, ironically, as we're living through a pandemic that's around a virus, a common virus attacked his heart.

Happens about one in a million people. Basically destroyed his heart. But then we caught it in time that a heart- transplant would have saved them but for 40 days he sat at lucille packard at stanford and no heart that fit him came up turn off life support um after 40 days so i mean i i think chapter four is the 250 page chapter i and I'm not going to kill every, I'll let you dig. If there's areas you want to do, I'll let you dig. But that pain is so severe. Any parent can, you know, try to comprehend it, um, that you have two choices.

You either die inside and you're done. And I'm sure you've probably met with people like that. Or you say, okay, I got to repackage, repurpose this pain into something else. And I think everything I've done since that moment, good, any good thing I've done since that moment has been pain repurposed into passion. And you say, I've done a lot of work, and maybe the audience says, no, I've done a lot of work. I've done a lot of praying, crying, reading, listening, talking, grieving, sharing, speaking, processing. I can go on and on and on. And it usually centers back to this, this loss of your only son. He was going to be the last Dilfer man. You know what I mean?

I can go on and on and on. And how do you reconcile that? And how do you move forward from that? And how do you not die inside and check out and just say, oh, it's too hard. Instead say, nope, I'm going to somehow my ways aren't your ways. God, your thoughts aren't my thoughts. Somehow this is needs to be good. Help me find where it's good. That would be chapter four. So there's been times when you and I've spoken about this and I want, I also want to be clear that there's no like patient client thing happening here right now. You know, like, right.

This is, um, you and I've known each other a long time and we've been down a lot of roads together and first met through elite 11, which we'll get to, but there's been times when you and I have spoken when you've been full and animated and, uh, touching the pain. And there's times when you've been, um, contemplative right now, you know, where you can put the words to it. And I'm not sure like the size of the pain right now. I don't know. Um, it's hard for me to hear it right now. And there's times when you're like, yeah, uh, that's just the hardest stuff. And it's like, you can tell there's a distance in it. Not a coldness, but just like, I can think of people that I've lost and I can smile now type of thought, right?

So where are you right now in it as you're talking? You said that great. I try to explain this to people. In fact, I talked to a father six weeks ago that had lost a child. And I said, the first thing you're gonna know about your pain is going to be fluid. Yeah, it is fluid. Right. It's very fluid. Yeah.

Um, so you just nailed it. You nailed exactly my journey with pain. Um, right now, probably as free as I've ever been the last year. Uh, I think the kids that I'm with every day,

God has given me a hundred boys. I have a hundred sons right now, you know, and, and that's, that's filled that gap as a high school football coach at the high school football. I have 20 coaches, you know, they fill that, um, there's still elite elite 11 that tribe that we built you know those guys fill that i you know i cry every year at elite 11 when i talk about the coaches not just the players yeah like this is you guys have filled a gap you'll never understand what gap you filled because hopefully because you'll never have to lose a son but i think all those things God has put in my life to help bridge this gap. And at this moment with the fluidity of pain, I'm in a really good place. And I've really repurposed it. As I said,

this whole thing in Nashville, like this moving from a mansion in Austin to a townhouse in Nashville, moving from working 32 minutes a week, 32 minutes a week is what I worked for two years in retirement to 20 hours a day for 14 straight months with no breaks. Like I've taken on this thing because at some point it was like, I got it. I have to take all this stuff. Let's call it pain for simplicity. And it better be poured out into something else. Retirement is not the answer for me. I got to take all this

stuff and give it away. And that's what high school coaching has done for me is it's repurposed my pain into a passion. And that may change. I don't know. If you've asked me, what are you going to do next? I'm like, I'm trying to find a way to get a first down tomorrow, or I'm trying to find a way to serve a kid tomorrow. I'm trying to find a way to help a kid get through a crisis tomorrow.

I'm not even focused on what's happened in six months from now. But I think there's a gift in that too. Being, being present. You've always talked about being present. I don't know if I've ever been able to be present more than I have the last 14 months. Finding Mastery is brought to you by Cozy Earth. Over the years, I've learned that recovery doesn't just happen when we sleep. It starts with how we transition and wind down. And that's why I've built intentional routines

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If you're looking for high-quality personal care products that elevate your routine without complicating it, I'd love for you to check them out. Head to calderalab.com slash findingmastery and use the code findingmastery at checkout for 20% off your first order. That's calderalab, C-A-L-D-E-R-L-A-B.com slash finding mastery. You have this duality, which is you have this physical presence, you have the big booming alpha male kind of thing. And then you can also project into that very well, you know, like, right. And then you also have this other side, which is sensitive and available and fragile. And, um, and you don't hide on either side of it, right? Like, you know, like you've got range and when you're feeling the alpha, it's an alpha. And when you're feeling the fragile, it's fragile. And it's all encompassed in what it means to be Trent.

You've got range and you've got both sides to it. Now, okay, so you've had trauma with a big T, right? And your family has had that trauma. You were not in alone. Your wife has been one of your angels for sure. What do you hope people who have not had big T, but maybe they have, but they've got some small T's, you know, like, I don't think anyone gets out of this life without trauma. Okay. So let's be, you know,

and there's ranges of trauma, of course. So what do you hope people that know what you know about being human, about being alive. What would you hope if you could somehow get everything out that you knew to help the next humans in your life become more, you know, be more of themselves? What would you hope happens? What's that vision? Self-awareness, vulnerability, transparency. I can apply those three things to every issue we have in our country right now, and we're better. Every relationship that I have, every relationship I watch, every kid I counsel, every situation I'm in, those three things make it better. There's messiness to getting to there, and I've had a lot of messiness.

But if you're able to be self-aware like do the work on yourself that's why trent dilfer is your biggest fan in the world because you're encouraging people to do the work right and you're giving them tools to do the work do the work it sucks it hurts it's lonely we talk about lonely work all the time do the work on yourself don't let other people tell you who you are don't read a book and go, oh, I sound like that person. Who are you really? I call it cottage cheese theology. Remember the old stuff? You're old enough. You laid in your bed and the stuff on your roof looked like cottage cheese. It's like the only time we're real with ourselves. The moonlight's

hitting through. The only thing you see is the cottage cheese. It's the only time you're really real with yourself. Okay, here's who I am, right? Like do the work to know who you are. Then be vulnerable enough to share it. And then let's be transparent in our communications, right? You pissed me off, Mike. Let's have that conversation. Oh, I offended you.

I'm sorry. All right, let's move through it. Let's not let bitterness be a root here that ruins the next five years of our lives, right? Like, let's just get it out. And it rocks people's world because we live in this politically correct, tender, careful, can't let the media ever say anything bad about you. Wow, if they knew your flaws, right, then they're going to attack them. I lived with that, right, when I was in the media. So if we were just out there, gosh, we'd know where everybody stood a little bit more.

How do you develop that courage to do the self, the honest self-awareness? And is your tool writing or talking or is it meditating? Like what is your primary? It used to be journaling i have dozens and dozens of journal books as we just made this move that i found it was really cool by the way i'd encourage people to go back if you're a journaler and like go back and reread stuff i got a bible right up here that i use the front pages of the journal i'll go through and read stuff from the early 2000s that I wrote in there.

Journaling, now I have to speak it. I have to talk. So I have to be with a mentor. I have to be with a friend. I have to do stuff like this. I've done a bunch of FCA speaking gigs this year where I just share this story. And I just give my junk. and it's therapeutic for me. Um, I, I, I like to cast vision. So I get my teams together and I,

I articulate, this is where we're going. Here's what I've learned here. Here's use these failures of mine to not make them as a, as this tribe. So I do much less writing. And I would say, I pray a ton. So my meditation is I get on my knees and I have learned to talk openly and honestly

and beg God for stuff. I don't, I'm not the dinner time. Hey Lord, thanks for the dinner. You know, thanks. My kids are healthy. Pray for the world with coronavirus. I'm on my knees crying out to the God that I know intimately. And I find a lot of peace that comes through that. Oh yeah. How many, how many, how often do you cry? Like let's go weekly if you know, or monthly, whatever's easier.

Twice a week during football season four times a week yeah all right okay why why why sports still like is it is it just because you feel are so comfortable with the dna of sport or is there something embedded in it that um that i'm missing. For me, football, sport isn't more important than anything else, but it's more impactful. There you go.

So I try to tell you, I argue, we have a lot of tenacious conversations here, the academic side to the football side. We're a private Christian school in Nashville, and I love the people that work on the academic side, but I don't understand the importance they put on things many times. Because what I try to tell them is, I'm not saying football is more important than bowling. I don't think it is. I don't think it's more important than anything that happens on our campus.

But you cannot deny it's more impactful. What we do with 100 kids, plus it's more like 150 when you take in all the people that pour into our program. What you do with 150 kids far outweighs an impact on what you do in chemistry now i'm not saying it's more important than chemistry and i love robert trail our chemistry teachers one of the best teachers on our campus we're friends his son plays for me but i purposely use this analogy i don't care what you did in chemistry today you did not impact that subject matter did not impact that subject matter, did not impact lives like the football subject matter did. That's, I think, why I like football and sport, because of the nature of the impact that it has.

Please don't hear me wrong. It's not more important, probably less important, than some of the skills they're learning elsewhere. But because of the volume, because of how it challenges you, because of what it asks of you, because of the edge of uncomfortable is where you find greatness and do hard things. Oh, look at you. Look at you. That's what we believe in. You get more of that out of sport than I think you do many other things. Okay. So point counterpoint, let's say let's use chemistry right now. Cause we're in a pandemic

that you and I have never seen. Here's some silver lining to the pandemic. I've never seen the planet fly in formation. Amazing. You know, and there's still pockets that are wanting to be defiant or whatever, but like there's a global rhythm that's like, hey, we're going to have to pull together to get this thing done. I love that part of what we're doing. I'm also scared for a lot of reasons for a lot of people. Myself not included. Like there's things that I don't know what the next phase of economic wellness is going to look like, but I also know that I am going to adjust. Okay.

Like I'll bet the farm on that for sure. But my point was, let's use chemistry for a minute. You know, what's going to really be important or, you know, who is really important in this process? Doctors. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like the scientists, like the, you know, so let's, let's just do the esoteric argument here is that the chemistry that's happening right now in your school might become the inspiration for the chemist that solves whatever later. And that's a massive global imprint. So is your argument and your position about the immediacy right now, or do you still see it as like a legacy? Like it's still most um dynamic thing for the legacy of of our community so i think that i think that chemistry student that says you know what i'm passionate about this i'm

gonna go save the world right also needs to learn more than the mechanics of chemistry he needs to learn interpersonal relationship he needs to learn endurance he she sorry he she needs to learn interpersonal relationship he needs to learn endurance he she sorry he she needs to learn perseverance he she needs to learn teamwork he she needs to learn a lot of values that are taught really well through sport so that's why i love dual sport athletes i also love geeks that play sports you know know what I mean? My daughters, by the way. People don't know my daughters. My daughters are four-plus students in high school, total nerds, and full-ride scholarship freaky athletes that are captains of their teams. I love that combination.

Yeah, me too. Because if they take the academic track and say chemistry is one that catches my middle daughter's passion set well what she's learned from being an all-region elite eight setter and the journey she went on to be played for the u.s national developmental program overseas last year she's going to apply those things to that academic track and be better at that. So that's why I say about, I'm not minimizing the academic side of it. I agree with you.

I hope more kids are doing chemistry right now for the future of our world, but I hope they're also playing softball and baseball and football and soccer or whatever else is, because they're learning a skills set in sports that will maximize their impact with that academic passion that they have. Okay. You and your wife have raised three girls, three women, girls that have turned to women. So what have they taught you? What have you figured out from being the alpha male that you are and having these three young women shape you and teach you in ways that no other environment probably could?

I've been asked to write a lot of parenting books because my kids have turned out well. And I say that one parenting books are like parents opportunities to brag on how cool they are. And I think we're the difference. We're the opposite. We're like, they've done it despite us. So my point being is that we've tried to mess them up and we've actually made an effort to mess them up and somehow we haven't. I think the best, I just spoke at my oldest daughter's wedding and my father, the bride speech, um, instead of writing a speech, I read to the audience, the prayer list that is now growing to, I could probably pull it out. Uh, it's growing to, I think it's 14 pages. I think it's growing to i think it's 14 pages i think it's right here so these are 14 pages ish of prayers that i write out that i pray diligently for my family and our world and our community and

everything every day my point being is that i think it's number one goal of parenting is pray for your kids. Okay, so that's the biggest thing I've learned. Number two is be honest with them. They know about my four-year rebellion period. Now, age-appropriate information. I think I obviously staged it age-appropriately. But I was very honest with them, so never felt felt like i was a hypocrite um i learned early on from a guy named doug gilchrist who was the chaplain at the campaign

buccaneers for years they got to trust your voice so when you're really young when they're really young they need you need to train them to trust your voice so you better be trustworthy so when you say something you better mean it that's good bad and dead but they gotta understand and this came up with my oldest daughter wedding week she was starting to kind of be bridezilla and my other daughters tell the story i said maddie stop now sternly and here's a 24 year old woman that went, got it done. Not militant, not like, oh, whatever dad tells me, I got it. But she understood in that moment, just trust me. Like I know more than you right now. And you are about to go down a road. You don't want to go down with your sisters and your mom and your wedding party and all these different things. Just trust me on this one. And she still

trusts my voice. Can't abuse that. See a lot of parents abuse it. And I think I learned another thing I stole was caregiver, cop, coach consultants, the four stages of parenting. You're a caregiver, just trying to save their lives, right? Then you're a cop, you're just policing them. Then you coach them for a long time. That's the phase you're in right now. Coaching's fun as a parent. Then you've got to cut it off when they leave, and you can only be a consultant. And a consultant needs to be asked for their advice. So, like, one thing we've learned with college kids, so really right now I have two that are in the consultant stage, Maddie and Tori, 21 and 24, that there's a lot of things I see them getting ready to do that I don't really approve of.

It's not my right to tell them. And I'm a consultant. Now they need to come to me and say, dad, what do you think is the right way to handle this thing? Okay. Are you asking me for my advice? Yes,

I am. Okay. Now it's like a little kid in a candy store. I'm like, yes, now I get to again. I can save them, but they better ask me.

So I've learned a lot about, I've learned a lot from them. And then my favorite thing is my, and this one Maddie came up with, was coaching hat. Any athletic dad needs to learn this principle. And please, yes, we came up with it, but I take no credit for it because it was Maddie when she was 14. I picked her up. She was a freshman in high school. She was a starting setter on the varsity volleyball team. It was early in the fall, and I picked her up,

and she burst into tears. I'm like, oh, no. And she's complaining about all these different things that are going on for a 14-year-old girl playing volleyball with a bunch of 17- and 18-year-olds at a private school in Northern California. And immediately, I went into fixed mode. And, man, I gave into fix mode and man,

I gave her some great, Mike, I was killing it. This is hard to believe 11. I'm giving her every tool to fix every problem she has. And she starts crying. Where's your daddy? Can't you just be my daddy?

And I, cause I never wanted to be that dad and I was broken. I was just like, oh my gosh. And in the middle of this hat, bald guy hat, always on my dash. I said, Maddie, you know what? I'm so sorry. I asked for forgiveness. I admitted I was wrong. I said, I won't do it again, but can we come up with a game that when you need dad, you get dad, we need coach and coach let's call it coach's hat. And you literally ask me to put on the coach's hat. Otherwise I'm

dad. So that's the rule. I am dad until you ask me to put on the coach's hat. And when you ask me to put on coach's hat, I will physically put on the coach's hat. And now I'm coach. Now we got to have different boundaries. I can rip your tail. I can tell you're being a whiny little brat. I can tell you, you know, you're a bad teammate and you got to receive it that way. Sure, dad, that's perfect. I mean, our relationship for the next four years could not have been any better. I can't think of one time in all the stuff she went through. And then it happened with Tori and now Delaney.

I can't think of one moment where I overstepped dad boundaries this year Tori was going through something at Louisville and I wanted to speak into it so bad it was killing me I would sit at this desk talking on the phone going I can fix this nothing I respected her she never asked me for coaches that but she called me and asked me for coaches that one day and i was so happy i shared with her all my thoughts in a very consulting way she goes dad i really appreciate it i'm actually going to use some i really really appreciate wrestling with some stuff i wanted to figure this out on my own before i called you but you filled in some blanks and i was like thank God I learned something over all these years. So long-winded answer. I've learned a lot about myself, my kids, my marriage,

life through this journey of parenting. I miss you, man. I, I, I, we haven't seen each other in a bit. I really miss you. Like, I just love where you come from. I love how you get to the place of honesty. And, um, I can just see your girls right now, like looking at you, like, don't even think about reaching for that hat. I didn't know. Yeah. And I know I can see you on the other side going, Hey guys, um, do you want me to grab the hat? Is it okay to grab the hat? No, this like, no, this is not a hat moment. Yeah, that's awesome. Happens all the time.

Yeah. And they know to bust my chops about. They know when I'm needling them too, so that, like I'm manipulative too. So I tease them or try to go down a road. They're like, yeah, I don't need you to coach me right now. Okay, got it.

Don't you know what I'm good at? Yeah. Oh my God. I've done this before. Gotcha. Yeah, I know yeah i know oh that's awesome they figured me out they figured me out a long time ago oh i i feel like i needed that um because i i'm probably not i i'm not as clear as maybe you might imagine because i'm so sucked into it you know my son's 11 and a half and i'm so sucked into it i want to encourage and sharpen and you know 11 and a half and I'm so sucked into it. I want to encourage and sharpen and, you know, and at the same time, it's like, he's got to figure it out and he's got to figure out how to, you know, get up from scrapes and all that,

like all of that, you know, like, so I'm not as clear. And so hearing you, I'm like, Ooh, that's a good one. Now that's a really good one. I want to share with you one that, um, Brene Brown shared with us is that this is like, so you have a coaching hat and she had this metric that she would use with, uh, her husband is that they would come in. They're both, you know, um, active humans and they would come in towards the end of the day after the work day. And, um, and she'd come into the home and they have this little calibrating moment, which is what's your number. So it's one to a hundred, you know, and it's a good moment. Right. And if, if you're, and you gotta be honest now, like you can't stand back and like, Oh, I'm at a, I'm at a 60. Cause if, you know, then it's like, that's saying, uh, I need your help, you know, whether it's dishes or parenting or tucking kids

in, you know, if somebody else's number is higher, so they calibrate. And if they're both, I don't, I can't remember the detail of it, but if they're both like at 75, 80, then it's like, okay, we're on it together. But if one's like at a 25, I'm being extreme, like barely got through the day today. Then the other one goes, got your back, go, go, go do whatever you're going to do. Get in the shower, go take a bath. I got you. Isn't that cool? Isn't that like awesome. And so it's, but it's, it's this concrete thing. The reason I'm sharing that with you is because it's the same thing that what you have, which is a hat, but there's a shared communication. There's a shared ritual routine.

There's a shared thing, which leads you to knowing how to take action appropriately. I think, I think what you've created is epic. So in your field, this is why I really appreciate, um, anybody in your field when we're going through the, the depth of our grieving in Cleveland and Oh five, we had lost Trevin and, um, Oh three and we're really, we had been traded from Seattleattle to cleveland i hunted out a therapist and i'll make this really quick the first time we sat with him he came out with this

giant book this book was huge he goes i wrote this on grieving i'm like what a narcissist and he dropped her on the ground he He goes, it's crap. And we giggled. I forget this guy's name. He goes, here's my point. And he wanted an icebreaker. He goes, there's a lot of great mechanics. There's a lot of great tools and we may get into all this. And I've spent my life's work on finding mechanics to grieving. But at the end of the day, none of it works unless you and your wife decide to allow each other to grieve your way. And it goes to your calibration thing.

So I'm a crier. My wife never cries. We'd watch the saddest movie ever. Delaney and I are literally snot bubbling on my beard crying. Tori and Cass, zero zero tears and that's okay she's a screamer when she's angry it's okay i'm not gonna indict her for that i know when it's there right i'm a runner right guy i go run away into something different. And she's like, it's maybe not healthy, but it's how he's going to grieve.

It's the calibration thing. It's understanding. It's transparency. It's vulnerability. It's honesty. It doesn't have to be politically correct. It doesn't have to be right. I messed up a lot of ways.

I made a lot of mistakes. It's who I am, and I'm trying to grow. And you've taught me a lot about this. It's just I am and I'm trying to grow. And you've taught me a lot about this. It's just I want to be a better Trent tomorrow than I am today. But I know who I am today. My wife and I went through a heavy patch. We were about seven years married. We dated six, seven years prior to that.

And so we're at this kind of little skid moment. And we went and did some work with somebody somebody and it was a watershed moment for us. And I had moved out of the house, you know, actually I got kicked out. Let's be more concrete because, you know, like you got to go, you know, like this is not working the way, you know, and it was the hardest time of my life and the most meaningful as a trajectory setter. And so we sat with a therapist and the psychologist says, okay, so there's no right and wrong way here. But do you guys want some agreements on how you're going to do the separation? And my heart dropped. Oh, my God. Like there's no rules. Like what does this mean?

You know? And so part of my thing was that I, I, I, I wasn't listening enough. So I made a point to listen and I looked over at her like, what is she going to say? You know, because like our vows are at risk, our, our commitments are at risk because we're on the way of, and it was, I mean, it was the scariest moment of my marriage and the tenderness and the open and the space and the fear and the transparency that you're talking about was all right there. And she goes, yeah, like let's honor our vows, but I can't be around you. And I'm not, this isn't, this marriage is not going to work. And I was like, damn, there it is. Right. And look, we were married, I think like 26 years as of today or whatever it is.

Like it's, you know, incredible journey. And, and, but that certain that's a sweet little calibration moment, which is when you, you, it's a force thing when you are broken, but it's an accelerant when you are vibrant. And so, or just sub vibrant because you're tired or whatever, but those mechanisms we've, we've hit three of them, you know? And so, man, those are really good. Okay. Listen, Trent, I miss you, dude. Um, I'm so, yeah, I'm so stoked to, to know that you're finding, um, a groove that feels really good for you. Um, you know, can we do two things? Can we honor Joey Roberts right now? And then can you,

can you tell us about elite 11, but let's, let's start with Joey. Joey is one of those. What's up, Joey, Joey, you are a special human and you've been an important part of both of our lives. And so with you, he spent, you know, you guys are like at the hip for a long time. And for me, Joey and I don't get to see each other enough, but he holds space. And i never want to minimize him by calling an assistant not even a producer and then it's elite 11 he's your xo right like he's your right i never here's what i finally started saying anything good i've done joey's been a part of it that's the best way i can introduce him i don't know at this stage of my life now he's coming full-time with me here it's like anything good that i end up doing

joey has a piece of it he is he's spoken into it he's worked into it he's been a thought leader behind it he's held me accountable he's really the only man in this little network that puts me in my place and i let him do it and i let him do it and you need those people and now he's a man like my family still looks at his little little brother and I've had to tell my wife no this is like my peer now he's gone from being somebody that works for me to somebody that is a peer and I treat him as an equal at every level when I recognize that most good things that I've done, if not all in the last 10 years, he's had a piece of. It's awesome.

And then let's also put a little nod to Yogi Roth, our friendship there. And he's got a fun podcast that you can check out as well about traveling and pursuing, you know, the art of living there. And yeah, man. So I appreciate you. I appreciate this this and um boy what a journey we've been on maybe you can just talk about elite 11 for a moment yeah so been one of the great throws of my life it's still the premier quarterback developmental camp evaluation camp in the country it's growing is such a cool i always said i want to take it from camp to cult

to community i think it's still in the cult phase but i think said i want to take it from camp to colt to community i think it's still in the colt phase but i think it's closer to community than it's ever become i think the greatest spokespeople for elite 11 are not in the coaches anymore but the players have gone through it and the ones that you've spoken in into their lives yogi brian andy joey trend jordan Andy, Joey, Trent, Jordan, Quincy, Paul, Justin, Gerard. I go on and on. These guys have had an impact throughout the country through quarterbacks and truly became quarterback mentoring. I think it's only going to get bigger at some point,

but I think of the nature of the climate we're in, probably not the most important thing to be fired up about right now. I think we can still have an impact in their lives without having these big old camps. But it's just been fun and really, and here's the selfish part of it. It's what really showed me that this is what I should be doing.

Like I was turning my back to what I'm gifted to do, which is coach, communicate, teach, mentor, bring up, build teams, bring out the most and the least and the best and the best. I mean, that's really what I do best. And I saw it happening in elite 11. I'm like, but I'm not going to do the real thing. And then finally I said,

you know, why wouldn't I do the real thing? Let's jump in and do it in, in this environment. And I'm so glad I did. That is epic. Okay, before you go, crown jewels and one practice that you think are really important or as many practices as you think are really important to develop and become the best version of you,

you know, that you can pass on to the community, to our tribe. So what are your crown jewels and what are a couple of practices that are cornerstone for you? I think you have to be willing. I don't know if I'm going to answer this exactly what you want.

I think I've become very good at taking complicated things and communicating them in simple ways. Yeah, I think that's yep i would say yes so i can i can take something that seems very esoteric up in the clouds i can reformulate it package it distill it and then give it to you to where you can apply it i think that's probably my greatest gift as a communicator. But to do that, I've got to take it when it's up here. And I spent tons of time taking a big issue

and wrestling with it and listening to other people speak into it, challenging it, being a contrarian, betting it. I do a lot of work before you ever get it as the consumer. TV was the great exercise in that. I had 45 seconds to tell you something that they have three

hour staff meetings on. And that was just football. But I couldn't tell you how many coaches and players would call me after a segment I did on TV and be like, why couldn't the coaches tell it to me that way? Well, I spent hours. They'd be like, what did you do when you were on TV? You're like, all you do is prep for a couple shows.

No, I'd sit in my cave from 8 in the morning until 5 at night watching film, reading stuff, talking to coaches, trying to distill this stuff stuff knowing i had 45 seconds to teach it so i guess that's my crown jewel but people gotta know the work that goes behind it it's a scheme in football it's a it's a six minute team meeting on a sunday night when you need to set the tone for your team for the week and I'm doing mine on pain. Well, how does pain relate to a football team? Well, we had some guys doing some insecurities. They were channeling those insecurities of experimenting, some things they shouldn't have been experimenting with.

But instead of me just jumping on about their decision-making, I spent about 24 hours that weekend really looking, okay, what is the DNA of my team? And it was pain. They didn't know how to process their pain. So I gave six minutes on pain and how you process your pain and how you have escapes or avenues, what healthy ones are, which ones are destructive. And then I transitioned it into grace to try to teach them true applicable measures of grace not just some esoteric term and it's probably the proudest moment of my coaching career more proud than any win any coach has done something any full-ride scholarship a guy has

gotten is that six minutes that Sunday night and uh it was, no August. In August, I felt might've been the best six minutes I've ever communicated in my life to a big group of people. But there was a ton of work that went behind that. Am I answering your question? I think you just described maybe my last question, which is how do you describe mastery, which is taking the complicated, um, put it, you know, getting in the woodshed, chopping it down, paring it down to get, you know, the kindling that can be lit and used. And, you know, that path of mastery is that work, but it, it, for you, it's part and parcel of learning and, um, being open and having vulnerability, the courage to be vulnerable, and then the art of communication. So yeah,

ma'am, that's, I, I, I, I've just stoked on the conversation. So Trent, again, I miss you. Where can people follow along with what you're doing? Yeah, I'm not out at Trent.Dilfer on Instagram. I just went public. Joey got me to go public forever. It was just more of a private thing. So, and then Dilfer's Dimes on Twitter. I don't do a ton there, but I'll communicate at times.

And then our football programs, LA Football. You can find us. We're Lipscomb Academy Mustangs in Nashville, California. A bunch of handles are different, but you can find us pretty easily Lipscomb Academy Mustangs in Nashville California a bunch of handles are different but you can find us pretty easily and spell Lipscomb Lipscomb is

L-I-P-S-C-O-M-B yep okay good stuff alright brother appreciate you and love you man

love you too let's huddle soon let's do it see you buddy alright thank you so much for diving into another episode of Finding Mastery with us.

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