Fine Dining - America's Largest IKEA feat. Chris Grace [Part Two]

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

"I don't have a lot of respect for a meatball!" IKEA Swedish Bistro has a tough battle if it wants to be taken seriously on its culinary merits. Does it stake its claim as a contender in the pantheon of viable restaurants? Dropout's Chris Grace joins me to evaluate! The Good: The cafeteria set up (for Chris), the garlic bread, many of the desserts, the scenic vista of Griffith Park, and the place is clean The Not Good: The grimy hallway of tray return, the fries, the "fake" feeling made me dissociate, lack of variety, and the cinnamon roll The Just There: Chicken Fingers, the service, the vibes, and sadly: the meatballs What We Ate: Swedish Meatballs, Mashed Potatoes, Peas, Lingonberry Jam, Garlic Bread, Lemon Cod, Chicken Fingers, French Fries, Cinnamon Roll, Santa Fe Chicken Eggroll, Caramel Almond Cake, Chocolate Cake, Strawberry Shortcake, Swedish Apple Cake, Chocolate Coconut Bites, New York Cheesecake Chris talks about a tense interaction with a server in Edinburgh while detailing the worst meal he's ever had "Fine" Dining is now on video! Head on over to my YouTube to watch this episode! Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Gabe Alvarez (@spooky.gabe) Segment Transitions Voiced by: Sandy Rose "Fine" Dining is on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month (I closed the year with my Patreon exclusive episode covering rude-service-on-purpose restaurant chain Dick's Last Resort after driving to Las Vegas with friend and season 1 cheese correspondent Steven Zurita), extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Joyce Van, & Sue Ornelas   Get the 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send in your IKEA stories at [e-mail].   Follow the show on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast Follow Chris Grace on Instagram @chrisgracecomedy   Let me know where I should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I read every one!   We're off next week, but in 2 weeks on "Fine" Dining: McDonald's Breakfast + Ronald McDonald History [Part One]! I've got the alpha clown from the Los Angeles comedy scene, the clown boww Chad Damiani to join me at McDonald's for breakfast, and I gave him the full Ronald McDonald treatment. Ever work at McDonald's? Send your stories to [e-mail].

IKEA's Swedish Bistro, a dessert game that's way better than it has any right to be, but the whole vibe feels like a joyless hospital cafeteria. A view that even a top ski resort would envy, but a menu that's sort of basically do you want meatballs and if you don't want meatballs, you gotta order fish. Garlic bread that reminds me of what my mom used to make, but most of the food tasted exactly like what it cost. In the tug of war that is good versus not good, what will define the experience of eating at a giant furniture emporium? Are the positives and negatives equally weighted on both sides of the

scales of mediocrity, or can IKEA of all places prevail and prove itself to be a definitively good restaurant? Stick around as we answer those questions imminently. This is the Fine Dining Podcast. Your table is ready, take a seat. The flavor of the day is mediocrity. Wouldn't you like to try a pie? Guarantee it'll be the perfect pie. Fine dining, better than you thought. Hello and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast. Perfect five out of ten Hello and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I'm your host Michael Ornelas and this is the show where I'm looking for the midpoint of chain dining,

the perfect five point zero zero out of ten, because when people call something good or not good, I have to know compared to what? Our current leader in mediocrity, if you look on the tchotchke of mediocrity, Cracker Barrel has a 5.01 out of 10. Whoa. I think we can get closer. Will it be IKEA? I don't know.

Wow. So my guest and I hit up the IKEA Swedish Bistro, the cafeteria style restaurant inside every IKEA furniture store. You've seen him on Superstore is Jerry, which is why I thought he'd be the perfect fit for this IKEA episode. He has a truly awesome comedy special

that you can see on Dropout TV called Chris Grace as Scarlett Johansson, my newest friend, Chris Grace. Thanks so much for having me. I'm shocked that Cracker Barrel is 5.01. You think it should be lower or higher? Higher. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, especially post homophobia. Wait, you think it should be higher post homophobia? Yeah, well, I mean, getting rid of, they had some homophobia. Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I don't think it should go higher. I thought you were like, once they revealed themselves as homophobic, I was on board.

Yeah, Chick-fil-A 10.0. Yeah. I don't know, it's just, it's homophobic, I was on board. Yeah, Chick-fil-A 10.0. Yeah. I don't know. It's fine. I think it's quite good. But anyway, yeah. I will say, when I went, I got lunch.

And I went back another time, and I thought that their breakfast offerings were quite a bit better. So they maybe do another visit. I'll do a different time of day. A lot of people love the breakfast options at a place. Like a lot of people love the Chick-fil-A breakfast place. I also just think breakfast cuisine

might be my favorite type of cuisine. Well, I think a lot of people like don't like McDonald's, but they do like McDonald's breakfast. Yeah. Wasn't Taco Bell doing breakfast for a little while? I think they have like a breakfast taco or something. I mean, there's a place in the UK called Deschum, which is a chain that has a delightful breakfast menu.

Okay. I don't know. Maybe is it because breakfast is easier to do or? I just think the types of things that we put on those breakfast menus tend to be better. Yeah, maybe so. Okay, Chris, the way this will work is we're gonna talk about all the things we liked about the dining experience, the good, and is we're going to talk about all the things we liked about the dining experience, the good. And then we're going to talk about all the not good things before finally mentioning what was just there.

And keep in mind, we may categorize the same things differently. And that's okay. Something that you might have thought was good. Oh, it's okay for us to disagree. It's okay to have different. This is a safe space for adamant disagreements. Okay, good. All right. So we're going gonna jump into the good about IKEA. This is the good, done like it should be,

best of the spank-a-lickin' or stickin' the land in. This is the good, I knew that you could. This is the good. So first and foremost, I'm a sucker for oversized, dumb props, and I don't know if you noticed. I didn't. Outside, there's the long stretch of parking lot, and then at the end there was a giant,

I'm talking 20 foot tall, inflatable IKEA shopping bag. I did not notice this. With a big sign that says like, however much it costs, $3, $1, whatever it is. I think I came in a different entrance than you. You went into the garage, right? I did, yes. I parked out front, so.

Man, I messed out. Gigantic, and I love the kitch of a giant inflatable. You must love Halloween and Christmas time then, driving around. They're so fun. Yeah, I really do. Just like driving around the neighborhood. Okay, gotcha.

Yeah. I love the, everything about the way this place is set up. I love the cafeteria set up. I come from cafeteria times. So let's talk about Luby's. Luby's, yes, we're both from Texas. I'm gonna mention it later, the cafeteria set up, in a different category other than good

Okay, good for my personal taste, but you like the the cafeteria. I love Luby's I love any cafeteria types that where did Luby's land on here 6.01. That's low We'll say so the verbiage I use four to six is mediocre six to like seven and a half is good I would I would say Luby's is where restaurants start getting good. Man, I would put Luby's above Dave's Hot Chicken and Outback in my opinion. Oh my God. Don't even talk.

Those are like my two that I champion. Dave's Hot Chicken? Dave's Hot Chicken. Oh man. And Outback. If I could have just like a windbreaker with a blooming onion on it, I would wear it everywhere. I mean, you are the kind of person

that would go to Sweden and get chicken tenders. And look for the outback. I mean, you got some true Scandinavian food today when you got those chicken tenders. Let's not make it sound like those were my main goal. I got the meatballs, but then I saw that they had them and I was like, you know, I am curious how they do these. Right, right, right, right.

I think the chicken tenders at an IKEA are just for kids. For the, I think a lot of places, chicken tenders and fries are the thing that like, this kid doesn't want to eat any interesting food, like these lingonberry jam things. Oh, so another good thing for me is I do like the meatballs there. Yeah.

I, like I said, I've been having them for decades now. And so they might, it's not really nostalgic because I don't have a nostalgia for IKEA, but it is a, oh, this is a cute special thing I had once. And this is kind of the only place I ever get meatballs. Certainly the only place I ever get meatballs with jam. Yeah. And so I think that it's kind of like,

the novelty. I mean, I don't love the Costco Pizza slices either necessarily but like I always get them sure Yeah, I I agree. There is kind of an element of when in Rome Yeah, kind of with both those places with Costco with mmm, but but you like the cafeteria layout specifically Yeah, I like the layout. I I, I don't know if in Austin growing up if you had this experience, but in Houston, Houston has so many restaurants

that are not fast food style and they're not waiter. They have a lot of fast casual, alternate ordering situation things. It's like, it's fast food. You go up to the counter, you order, and then you get a number, and then a waiter brings out, you know, like every variation of it's almost table service, but not quite exists.

You know what I'm waiting for? Like the bank-themed restaurant where, you know, like the little vacuum tubes that used to like, you put money in the thing at the, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want food to be delivered via that system. I mean, I was just walking through the Glendale Galleria and there is a revolving sushi place there

that I would really like to go to, because I looked in and it was, at each table there's a little conveyor belt. Have you ever had revolving sushi? I've had when you sit at a bar and you face the belt and you pull from the belt like that. I've never had you and I go sit in a booth at the far corner of the restaurant

and the conveyor belt comes all the way to us. Oh, is it around like the edge? I don't know how it's configured, but every single table has access to the conveyor belt. So because of that- I almost don't trust it. Oh, why? Like other people may have breathed on it weird

when it passes by them. I don't know. In a post-COVID world, that is a thing I think about. Before- First of all, we're talking about the Yelp reviews that we're talking about. This whole podcast takes place before the pandemic.

I think we've established that. Sure. Between last week's Omar and Greg and Diana, who comes from Cafeteria Times, our bubble exists pre-COVID. Right, right. I don't know, I mean like bowling balls are a thing I never thought about before the pandemic

and now I'm like the idea of just sticking three fingers into this mystery zone that so many people who have just eaten chicken fingers are putting their hands into. I'm like, how sanitized are they? Those are things I think about now. And so revolving sushi restaurant, just it's not that I won't do it.

I will go, but I will be thinking about like, did that guy over there sneeze? I'm not eating any sushi for the next like six minutes. Although I will say just to push back on this philosophy a little bit, it's interesting that post-COVID you're more aware of surface-borne contaminants when all of COVID was like airborne. That doesn't mean I didn't wipe down my groceries for a few months. Well, that's what I mean.

That's what I mean. Like, I wiped down groceries. I left groceries out on the stoop for a long time. Right. But then at the end of the pandemic, we were all just like, oh yeah, none of that mattered. So it's interesting that that's your takeaway from the pandemic. Have you watched How To with John Wilson on HBO?

Yeah. That first season finale where COVID is like, the onset of COVID is happening and he's walking around New York, March 2020 with a camera and you're just seeing all the crazy things people are doing to fend off this virus that they don't know anything about and all the things they're doing are definitely ineffective. Right, right, right, right, right.

It's such a moment in time. Yeah. It was like a two week period in March and then we started getting a little bit more savvy. Yeah, but what I'm saying is that no one ever got COVID from someone else's bowling ball. It's just a matter of I realize now it's gross.

It's not so- I see, okay. It's that it's gross. How do you feel about putting your feet into someone else's shoes at a bowling alley? I don't eat with my feet. Oh, well that's how you and I are different. Not anymore, not after the accident. Anyways, none of that is IKEA.

None of that is usable for the footage. No, absolutely I'm using it. I loved that conversation, But it's off topic. Yeah. What else did I have in here that I thought was good? I mean, just like the vibes of our direct area, we had like a obviously fake plants, but like a topiary overhang, like vines almost. You called it a grotto. We were in the like Silver Lakey lounge. But they had different settings.

They did. It was like when you go to like the YouTube space. And it's like... It did feel like that. It felt a little bit like the cafeteria of a tech company for sure. Yeah. And so there's like different zones, there's different wall setups.

There was like a wall advertising all the different charcuterie boards, like just the boards themselves, like the cutting boards. And it said smorgasbord. Yeah, yeah. And then on the far end where we walked in, like just the boards themselves, like the cutting boards. And it said smorgasbord underneath. Yeah, yeah. Yes, gotcha. And then on the far end where we walked in,

there was one with like a bunch of pans and cookware and stuff like that. So they're kind of decorating with like kitchen-y things in the cafeteria area to grab your eye because they're always trying to make that sale. And you gotta respect that hustle. Gotta respect that grind. But yeah, yeah. I liked the grotto that we were in. Yeah.

I don't want to preview something that's, cause this is not, this doesn't qualify as a full bad thing. Yeah. But our chairs could have been more comfortable. And I think they were probably, I'm guessing all of our tables and stuff was IKEA. That would only make sense, right? Yeah.

For the, for everything to be. It's, that would only make sense, right? Yeah. For everything to be. It's clear that they're using all their basic chairs, they're all the hard plastic or steel. Yeah, it's not like they're gonna let everybody have a Fjallbergit. Fjallbergit, Fjallbergit. Oh!

Whoa! You said the secret word. That was the secret word? I had a feeling coming in that you were gonna say Fjallberget on this episode. It's just, I felt it in my bone. Amazing. That you were gonna say Fjallberget.

Fjallberget sets off the secret menu mini game, my special mini game here on the Fine Dining podcast, where we'll basically play a little word game. Based on a category, we'll slingshot jokes back and forth. Our category for this week is furniture foods. Examples being a race car bed of lettuce. Okay. Got it.

You get, you get the gist, right? Yeah. Or salad dresser. Oh, I love that. Right. Uh, so I would love a salad dresser. Like a five drawers, five drawers of leaves and like Caesar. Yeah. You know, micro greens.

All right. So I'm going to count down from three. You'll start and we'll just slingshot these jokes back and forth. Sounds good. I'll let you start with the first one in three, two, one. Iced coffee table. Oh, OK. Couch potato. Oh, I like that. It's just there. one iced coffee table oh okay couch potato oh i like that

it's just there a food tongue okay refrigerator bed velvet cake oh okay i'm into that baby back cribs oh i like that

wait a minute that sounds gross actually cherry tomato Oh, I like that. Yeah. Wait a minute. That sounds gross Cherry tomato that it's there in the name. It's there in the name. Uh, gelato men. Oh, that's really good Now I'm thinking about an ottoman that you could open up getting theirs. Yeah, it's just like freezing cold Arm. Wavocato. Okay, you want to hear my arm? Because it's tough. I don't think I can say it. Arm-wor-ste-sha-sauce. Oh, I have a very difficult one to say too, which is bure-er-bure-o-bure-o-gin-o. Bure-o-gin-o?

Yeah, yeah, it was a hard word. I like that. Lamp chops. Oh, I love that. Oh, that's great. All right, and that'll do it for the Secret Menu. Comment who won between us, but more importantly, submit your own in the YouTube comments or on TikTok or on Instagram

or wherever you see this. And I'll pick a winner and I'll send you a fine dining t-shirt. And the winner of last time's Secret Menu minigame is Instagram user, TheGoodCarmen, for their entry into tasty Christmas carols walking in a winter wonderland. Oh, lakes. Go ahead.

DM me on Instagram or tick tock at fine dining podcast or send me an email. Fine dining podcast at gmail.com and I'll send you a T shirt. Congratulations. Everyone else better luck this time. And just a heads up, this will be the last time for the secret menu. So get those entries in. Thanks so much. Service is an interesting element here because like they were like, I thought

that the cashiers in particular, the girl that I checked out with, I thought it was very friendly, but it's not like they did a ton. No, it's almost like this category almost doesn't even apply in a way. Yeah. Because there's no way for them to impact you service-wise. They could negatively. They could if they were disaffected. An attitude thing.

If they were disaffected. Yes. But what I mean is that they, the best that they could do is be efficient and serviceable. Yeah. Which they were. But I think, I think like a smile and like a warm demeanor carries some weight with me. And so at the food area, we're not particularly friendly. No, well, yeah, I'll talk about them in a different section.

Wow. A lot of, uh, uh, uh, hidden treasures coming up. I know. Uh, but yeah, it was, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know if like good is where I. To me, I would almost do an NA. Not applicable.

Yeah. Okay. So I guess what's left is the food items. Cause like, yeah, well, actually you did really like the view. I mean, it is a view of the five freeway, but from the distance that we were at, you're not even really seeing the freeway. You just kind of get the Hollywood Hills.

Yeah, you get in the Hills, which is beautiful. And it really is kind of like a ski resort view. And I do think that the aesthetic of being up there, I mentioned to you that I think it would be a great place to work if you're someone that wants to find a place with easily accessible, easy parking, good Wi-Fi, access to cheap, for example, they, I didn't notice this, but they had fountain sodas. I totally missed this.

Oh, I missed that. So if you wanted to just get some sugar-free off-brand diet cola and sit down and write your screenplay, I think this would be a perfect place. They had couches in one corner. So I actually thought the aesthetic of the eating area was very comfortable and clean. Also, the whole place is very clean, I will say. You used the bathroom, how was that?

Very clean, it was great. Was it like an Ikea brand toilet? No, it was one of those waterless urinal type. Okay. But it was nice. So the overall, compared the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom,

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in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom,

in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the bathroom, in the I don't think dirty, grimy. I do- No, I would too. Sterile is what I think. Yeah, and I think for a lot of people, sterile in a food place is a good thing. Yeah, yeah. Which is why revolving sushi. Okay, so I wanna start with the garlic bread.

This really tasted like nothing more than freezer aisle Texas toast that you put on a baking sheet. And it's what my mom would make me growing up with spaghetti and I would make little spaghetti sandwiches. I would pile spaghetti with meat sauce onto that garlic bread. I would take another piece of garlic bread,

smash it in there. I'd eat it. Don't sleep on it. Try it some, you know. I don't need to, you don't need to tell me to try this because I have done standup comedy at the Riot in Houston, Texas. Yeah.

Where you, as a standup, I believe you get some sort of food discount or credit and one of the items there. Did they sell a spaghetti sandwich? It's a spaghetti grilled cheese. Okay. So it is a grilled cheese sandwich with spaghetti inside. Interesting. And it is so good.

Look, very, low on carbs. Was it garlic bread? Uh, maybe. Or Texas toast? I don't know if it's as thick as Texas toast, but it is a very good grilled cheese with spaghetti inside and it's really good. I'm gonna say it now, if you're watching this at home,

just go buy Freezer Isle Texas toast, make some spaghetti, put it in there. I think that's fair. I if you're watching this at home, just go buy Freezer Isle Texas Toast, make some spaghetti, put it in there. I think that's fair. And just try it. I think that, I don't know if we are biased being Texas boys, because I don't know if in the rest of the country they grew up

with Texas toast or not. I think it's just so good, because like I was born in Chicago, and I ended up eating a lot of Texas toast, garlic bread, I think before moving to Texas. Oh really, well so also on my way home today I might pass the raisin canes And they've also got Texas toast there as well

I think it's the ideal way to serve just like a side bread. Do people like thin toast? No, no one likes that Well, I mean but like versus like a roll or like no no, no, I'm saying Texas toast is superior to all of these. I agree. I'm just saying thin bread isn't necessarily the only contender against it. No, it's the only one. But I think Texas toast is better than all of them. I only recognize differing widths.

No, I don't. Yeah. Yeah, I gave it, ridiculously so, I gave it an eight out of 10. The Texas, yeah. I agree, totally. That's too high for something that literally tastes like freezer aisle food,

but it's just the best freezer aisle food. I got it with the tomato and feta soup, which was quite good. Right, you got the tomato soup. And obviously, a toast like that is, a toast like that will kill your brother. Made for it. A toast like that will kill your brother. A toast like that will kill your brother.

No, it's great for dipping in the tomato soup. Just soaking it up. What would you give the tomato soup? Quite good. Out of 10. So I'd give the garlic toast probably a, I'd probably give it a 7. Just because I probably had better garlic toast, and I'd probably give this soup a 7 as well. Soup is really good. I mean, it's hard. I love tomato soup soup So it's kind of difficult to mess it up for me. Gotcha. I The one in downtown Burbank just closed but tender greens has a really good tomato soup. Yeah, they do what I can't what I'm shocked That one closed because I feel like I feel like they do so well always empty

Oh man, Burbank people don't care about their health. I guess but Yeah, I I think the one in Glendale is still there so she but yeah it's now out of my rotation because I pretty much just eat stuff around me as as do many although we're not far from the bourbon Ikea no that's gonna enter your rotation no it's not. It's definitely not. Uh, and then did you have anything else in the good category from the entrees list? Cause everything else I have in good is, uh, desserts. Okay.

So I'm not talking about the meatballs in this section. Okay. You might. I thought the meatballs were good. I thought that the cod was forgettable. I thought the mashed potatoes were good. I thought that the, uh, so yeah, talk about the I thought the mashed potatoes were good. I thought that the... So yeah, talk about the mashed potatoes.

Well, it's in combination with the gravy and the meatballs. But they are- Did you do a bite that's the proper Swedish way where you slice it, dip in gravy? I didn't slice it, but I did one at the end with potato and jam, which I think is really good. I think the gravy's really good.

With the Texas toast, again, if I think is really good. I think the gravy's really good with the Texas toast. Again, if I had white rice, which I didn't know existed, I literally would have just gotten a plate of meatballs, gravy, and white rice and been totally happy. Yeah. What was your score for the meatballs? I'd give them a seven. Okay.

Yeah. So it's still not like this glowing, this is the best thing I've ever had, but it is notably good., this is the best thing I've ever had, but it is notably good. But honestly, the meatballs with gravy and white rice might have been an eight. Okay. Speculatively. I think that's all for the entrees, yeah.

All right, so desserts? I had four different sweets. Well, because you buy a plate that comes with like an assortment. I think we ended up having... Oh, and you had two. I think I had six different ones. So we tried six different. Because I also had the cheesecake.

Which you didn't like cheese. Oh, you did, yeah. Okay, so let's, were they all good to you? So I'll give the cheesesteak an eight. Cheesecake. Cheese, what, a cheesesteak, no, cheesecake. I give the cheesesteak an eight. It was actually a very good, straightforward,

simple but not simplistic slice of cheesecake. Very... So many people have used that exact phrase to describe me and I don't understand it. Simple but not simplistic. So sort of a very platonic example. You wanna just be friends with this cheesecake. What I mean is like, no, no, no.

I mean like attempting to be an iconic, pure version of a cheesecake. And so for that, I gave it an eight. It was a good version of it. And then I had a half of a almond pastry thingy and the oat coconut curry little bite. That was fine. Yeah. That one I'll talk about later. The ones on my plate were the ones that I really liked. Curry little bite that was fine. Yeah Those that one I'll talk about later the ones on my plate were the ones that I really like yes I agree so there was an almond toffee chocolate cake Which was very sweet like all candyed almost because it had that toffee, but this slapped

as the That's not native lingo for you slapped I as the youth say. I was gonna say, that's not native lingo for you. This slapped. I went eight and a half out of 10 on this little chocolate. Yeah, I give it eight. I thought it was great. Yeah, I thought the texture was really good. Yeah, very unique. Very sweet, but also very crunchy.

What'd you say, there was toffee in it? Was that what it was? Yes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, so that's what it was. I could taste how unhealthy this was for me. Almost everything with toffee in it, was that what it was? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, so that's what it was. I could taste how unhealthy this was for me. Almost everything with toffee I like. Yeah. So yeah, that was really good. I would pick up one of these next time I go to IKEA.

I would stop by and grab one. I don't know if I'm sitting down at the cafeteria, but if they have like a little to-go version of this, I might be getting that. That makes sense. Then they had an apple crumble cake, an apple cake, on the same plate. Again, it was just an assortment of these two plus a, like a white

cake sort of thing, and this was strong, kind of dry. I thought it would have been way better if it was moist. I don't know if the fact that it was cold even mattered. I thought it was like, no, yeah, I don't think it mattered. Because there is the cinnamon roll, which I'll get to later, I thought should have been warmed. I think that, I will say, if you're going to the IKEA,

they had two different assortments of Swedish desserts. One was the almond toffee with the two things that I got, which were the oat and the almond. And one was the almond toffee with the two things that you got. And I think your plate is the recommended plate. Yeah, but it's also calorically way crazier. It is definitely more.

This is a to split thing. I think the plate that you got had essentially three full desserts on it. Yeah, so I had like a bite of each one. You had a bite of each one. Well, I will say that, which you won't get from listening or watching this podcast,

that we had very different approaches to our meals, which is I just ate like everything on my plate. And then I looked up and you were just taking, you were taking a, I review restaurants regularly type approach, which is like, I'm having a bite of this and a bite of that. And I had eaten all of my side order of meatballs, all of my...

But you got a reasonable amount of food. I got more than a reasonable amount. So like, it would have been crazy for me to finish my tray. Right, that's true. Then there was the raspberry vanilla, like sponge cake type thing that I thought was kind of the sleeper hit of everything. Really?

I'm a sucker for a layer of raspberry jam in anything, especially a dessert. like sponge cake type thing that I thought was kind of the sleeper hit of everything. Really? I'm a sucker for a layer of raspberry jam and anything, especially a dessert. I went nine out of 10 on this. This is, this is my favorite bite of the day. That's shocking to me. I thought it was a little too dry for me, but really, um, I also had like the frosting side. I had like the top. I think you ate off the bottom. So wait, would you go by, so if next time you're at IKEA, you'll just go in and get that whole little plate as a...

No, honestly, I'm probably getting the toffee thing just because it's more unique than this was. Could you get that on its own? I don't know. I'm just saying conceptually, I would try. I'm thinking, but if you gave this a nine out of 10, grab the whole sampler. Yeah.

Why deny yourself the thing you gave nine out of 10 to? Because I have to look myself in the mirror after eating three full desserts, you know? Well, you do them for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Yeah. Go in every single Sunday, the rest of- Pick up for the week. 2020, for all of 2025, every Sunday,

you pick up that sampler. Oh. And then on December 27th, 2025- 2025 I will die see your endocrinologist You have diabetes type 11 We have a new diagnosis. We've never seen this before Yeah, but yeah, I thought all these desserts were good. The view was good Yeah, the servers were pleasant the vibes of the specific place we sat were good. I would say that's overall the good that said,

I don't think food atmosphere or service get like thumbs up from me. Oh, really? Like I don't think any of them registered more than just like in the middle. Oh, I would give thumbs up because I also think that I think that this was what you would want the average experience to be, separate from the food, that this is what you want the average to be in terms of ease, convenience, speed.

Like there were no hitches whatsoever for us having this meal, right? And so this is what I would want a typical fast experience to be. But when you go out in the real world and you go to like the Popeyes on Sunset or the Jack in the Box on Vermont, and every single time you go to the Taco Bell on Western, they get one item of your order wrong.

So like in the real world, this is above average to me. All right, so to me, those are examples of thumbs down experiences while Ikea is kind of a baseline middle. But what are the thumbs, I feel like the majority. From like two thumbs down to two thumbs up, but thumbs in the middle is an option. To me, Ikea pretty much across the board

ends up in the middle. So I think that- Because when I'm thinking of like Mastro's, Chispaca, when I'm thinking of the nicest places that are two thumbs up food, two thumbs up service, two thumbs up atmosphere, this isn't that either. Am I comparing to all restaurants or chain restaurants?

Every restaurant, every dining experience you've ever had out at a restaurant. I have to say, I still give it one thumb up. On which, food? No, no, everything except the food. Every all categories? Everything except the food. every dining experience you've ever had out at a restaurant. I have to say, I still give it one thumb up. On which, food? No, no, everything except the food. All categories? Everything except the food.

In terms of ambiance. And service? Yeah, because of what I'm talking about where like, I wish that this was average, but actually when I compare it to my experiences in restaurants. It's sadly above average. It's sadly above average because it was so easy.

Yeah. You know, I love either an easy experience that's like efficient and like you get in and out effectively or one where the extra elements of it are worth it. Sure. Yeah. And I think that we, I think that there's lots of restaurants where either there's extra elements that aren't worth it, like delay or crankiness or whatever,

or there's, um, places that are like this with no frills, but like dirtier, slower. Okay. So I guess if that's the case, why don't we talk about the things that are the detractions from IKEA? Let's jump into The Not Good. Play the jingle. This is not so good. I'm not quite sure about it.

Could've done without it. The stuff that brings down the mood. This is just not very good. Okay, so The Not Good, this is all the things, atmosphere, service, and food that we did not enjoy about this experience. I'm going to start off by just saying nothing was terrible. Nothing was terrible. There were definitely some foods that I would call very underwhelming, but nothing was like a nightmare. Right. So this isn't gonna be one of those episodes where it's just like, oh my gosh, this thing happened.

Like, you're not gonna believe it. There's nothing of that. And nothing repulsive or inedible. Yes. Yeah. I do agree. What a low bar to set for a restaurant. That said, we were just raving about the desserts. I...

You said, was it like a curry chocolate ball? The coconut one? I thought you said curry at some point in the last one. Oat. It was oat. Not curry. Oat and coconut. Okay. I was like, there was curry in that?

And it had a coffee- taste once you bit it. It was fine. Yeah, the oat element of it just didn't do anything for me. I thought it was very dry. And to a point that I gave it a three and a half out of 10. Maybe it's a thing you dip in a coffee. Maybe, yeah. It was like, the flavor of it was,

you know how sometimes you get an assortment of chocolates and there's a couple that you're like, hmm. I have to power through this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, you don't have to power through it. You could just set it aside. You don't know me. You don't know me.

And then the other one was an almond pastry. So it was a green marzipan almond. Yes. It looked artful. Looked artful and for me was a bit of a surprising bright citrus taste from the green marzipan I believe. Yeah. Which I liked, but I didn't like it enough to like want to finish it.

Yeah, I don't have it in good or not good. I would pass either one, they were both 89 cents so it's kind of just like, eh. Yeah, it was like, you try it, whatever. The fries, I thought, were very uninspired. I ate one and a half and I was just like, meh. I literally looked at you and I went uninspiring or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, you said it in a British accent. I thought, like I said before, I think the tenders and the fries are just the thing you pawn off to the kids and they felt very, the chefs don't care about those at all. The fries, I went three out of 10. The tenders, I thought were like, they're in the middle, so they're going to be in the just there category. Everything here felt fake. Oh.

And I know fake isn't the right word to IKEA. Hmm. I don't think it's a fair thing, but I did feel like I was dissociating. Oh. When I was in this room. I think comparing it to the YouTube space may have been more apt than I meant it to be, but it felt like a set. It felt fake.

It felt like, I almost felt like I was in like a Truman Show type situation. I could see that. I mean, it was like we were in the cafeteria at the end of the film, The Game, but interesting. I mean, is it because it was too clean and well presented? It might be that. It might be the fact that like,

I know that IKEA chairs are not the sturdiest, I guess. Oh, you're applying like- Everything about this space just felt- So you're, but you're applying like... Like everything about this space just felt... So you're, but you're taking something from the zeitgeist about IKEA and applying it to their food offering. No, I'm just, I'm saying the dining experience. I'm not saying the food felt fake. I'm saying it, like, you know, when you go on a set

and the furniture is like set furniture, it's not... You know, when you go on a set and the furniture is like set furniture, it's not, you know what I will sort of maybe agree with last week's Diana are that it was a bit futuristic in the sense that I think I know what you're getting at. I think that it doesn't bother me at all for some reason, but, um, it put me in this weird headspace. Okay. A regular restaurant is not going to outfit all of its, for want of a better word, like set decoration, from one vendor the way that this one is.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So in the same way that when you walk around the top floor showrooms, the little simulation of a living room or the simulation of a kitchen where the TVs are fake. You know? Yeah, yeah. Maybe you're getting that same feeling from this simulation of a restaurant, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, honestly, that is a good, like the fact that they're setting up spaces that are like, this is what it could be like. Right. It almost felt like this is what a restaurant could be like. Right, right, right, right.

And it technically is, but. that are like, this is what it could be like. It almost felt like this is what a restaurant could be like. And it technically is, but. It's like, if in the IKEA showroom kitchen that you walk around going like, oh, I like this countertop, I like this. If that oven, you opened it up and there was an actual turkey in it, is what this restaurant is basically.

Yes, it's like, we're using all these fake sets, we're making real food, we're serving it. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it just, there was a detachment I had from it. I will say some of the food, some of the cold foods that were displayed felt a little bit like when you go to certain restaurants, like in New York, sometimes there's like

a Japanese restaurant that'll have a display of their foods in the front. Have you been to Japan? No, I haven't. But is that a common thing in Japan? Yeah, I went in like 2018, 2019, that New Year's, and almost every restaurant has a window display of fake versions of all their dishes.

Like, this is what you can expect from us. Right, right, right. So that is some of the food displayed in the cold section of the IKEA. It feels like that. It looks like that. But then it's like, oh, but you actually do eat it. No, it was like, oh, but that is the actual plate

I would grab to put on my tray. Okay. And then nourish your body with. Yes. One of the craziest things I saw when I was in Japan, I was, I went for like a pro wrestling, like the Japanese equivalent of WrestleMania called Wrestle Kingdom.

It's on January 4th every single year. And a buddy of mine and I flew out there for New Year's. And so we're at the Tokyo Dome going to go to the show, but it's like a few hours before start time. So we're like, okay, we'll grab food from like the little food area right outside the Tokyo Dome. And there's this pizza place and they have all these displays of different pizzas

and they have one called American style and what do you think a Japanese? interpretation of American style is for a pizza could it have ketchup on it and It doesn't put any hamburgers like vibe wise you're not far off. Okay. It was a pizza covered in french fries and cut up hot dogs Oh Which and just like the coloration on it. And I know it's a sample. It wasn't the real one, but just the coloration on it looked so

off that I was like, I will not touch that. Man. I might order that. Living it up American style. I love a Jollibee hot dog spaghetti or whatever. Sweet spaghetti. I'm so nervous because I know I'm going to want to try that when I go, but it does not sound appealing to me. So good.

Is it? Everything at Jollibee is incredible. I hear their chicken is top notch. Everything at Jollibee is good. Okay. And if you don't like it, you're racing. That is the rule. Yep.

What else didn't I like? You didn't like that they had Pepsi products. Are you like a big loyalist on that? No, I just don't love Pepsi. Okay. In fact, if I had recognized that they had F that? No, I just don't love Pepsi. In fact, if I had recognized that they had Fountain Soda's, I would have gotten that. I'm just not a big fan of Diet Pepsi particularly.

Okay. Yeah, that's all right. I think- I'm not a person that's like- Coke or Diet. No, I'm not like from Atlanta and I'm just like, you know. The Coca-Cola factories in your backyard. I'm not like,

my great uncle worked at that Coke factory from the day he was born Yeah Which was allowed back then? That's right Right and right into let me start earning So we're talking about things we don't like yeah, I Like the meatballs I would probably always get the meatballs But we were trying to get sort of a diverse Set of things today's because we were reviewing this restaurant like I always get the meatballs, but we were trying to get sort of a diverse set of things today because we were reviewing this restaurant.

So I was like, I'll cover the meatballs. Yes. And I ended up getting like a lemon cod, which was whatever. But I wish they had more items because it was basically like meatballs, plant meatballs, veggie meatballs, or some form of fish. And so I think they could have a more diverse menu plant meatballs, veggie meatballs, or some form of fish. And so I think they can have a more diverse menu

to have a couple of, I'd say two more entrees. I feel they had chicken fingers. Yeah, for the kids. I'd say two more entrees. Two more, like what about a, isn't there such a thing as like a beef bourguignon or beef stew or something? Like isn't there something Swedish about something like that? I don't know.

Something else, something, how about this? One of each meat type. Give me one hearty Swedish beef entree and one not chicken tenders chicken entree. That's sweet. Okay. That's not that crazy to ask for. No. Especially with this, if you've got a whole lab

coming up with, you know. Right, innovations. We've got Space 10 working on it. Yeah. Then, you know, work on it. Good pull. Yeah. Your memory is.

My memory's great from seven days ago. Yeah. Um. I'll tell you another thing that was bad. Yeah. Santa Fe chicken egg roll, unfortunately, was not good. Yeah, you got the egg roll

and then it was like a Mexican style egg roll. So I got the egg roll, unfortunately. Was not good. Yeah, you got the egg roll and then it was like a Mexican style egg roll. So I got the egg roll, they said it would take four minutes to cook. I went back after we sat down to pick it up. I got yelled at by the cashier for potentially stealing it. And so it was like hot out of the oil.

In other words, there was no- You could not have had it fresher. It could not have had it fresher and It could not have had it fresher, and it wouldn't ever be better than when I had it. Unfortunately, it was a Santa Fe style egg roll, so it came with salsa on the side. And that was all fine. I'm actually down for any of that,

but the disappointing thing was that the filling and the quality of the dough, having just been fried, was more like a, it was like a pretty mediocre hot pocket, basically. When I think furniture store based out of Sweden, I'm not thinking Mexican egg rolls. So it may have just been too far reaching for them. Yeah, just dull tasting and not even well fried.

It was fine, but disappointing. Yeah. I, like my score is a five out of 10, which isn't technically bad, but the cinnamon roll, really disappointed because I feel like I've heard about the IKEA cinnamon roll. Like I feel like it's a thing that for some reason

has seeped into my awareness as, oh, IKEA's got good cinnamon rolls. Wow. Have you heard that before? No, I don't run in the same streets as you do. that for some reason has seeped into my awareness as, oh, IKEA's got good cinnamon rolls. Wow. Have you heard that before? No, I don't run in the same streets as you do. So, yeah, I don't know. It's just like a word of mouth thing

that I guess I expected, oh, they're known for a cinnamon roll, and it should have been warm. This really suffering. Yeah, well it had frosting on it that appeared, you know, the kind of frosting that it had on top is like Cinnabon style. Yeah. Would it had frosting on it that appeared, you know the kind of frosting that it had on top is like Cinnabon style. Yeah.

Would make you think that it was warm. Yeah, I, there was a bagel place in New York City called Esso Bagel that I went. Oh, I love this. That counts as a chain? They have three in New York. I love it. It was a Patreon episode.

I go a little. I love Esso Bagel. I go a little bit more off the beaten path. But they have like a cold cinnamon roll that sits out in a box and it's bomb Patreon episode. I go a little. I love Essabagel. I go a little bit more off the beaten path, but they have like a cold cinnamon roll that sits out in a box and it's bomb. Okay. It's so good. It's good at room temperature?

It's good at room temp. Gotcha. And yeah, I mean they're big. You just said room temp and I said gotcha. I just shortened my word for some reason. Gotcha. Yeah, so like a cold cinnamon roll can be well done. It's rare.

Esa Bagel pulled it off. IKEA did not. It should have been warm. And even then, because like the dough was like maybe a little on the stale side. I don't think it had sat out for too long or anything like that. It's just, I don't know, it just didn't taste as fresh as I expected it to. And I do feel like, yeah, the frosting melted would have been a better dynamic than what it offered. I would win five out of 10,

but just due to the sheer disappointment of how much I love a cinnamon roll to how little this delivered on that expectation, I'm gonna put it in the not good. What if they got one of those radar ovens, which is like a microwave, and heated it and then put the frosting on at the end right before they gave it to you? Oh, yeah, yeah. And then it like melts over it. Yeah, I think that would be better.

That's the approach. No music. Yeah, adding to the sterile feel. Yeah. Which I didn't really notice until the end of the meal, but I was like, oh yeah, this place doesn't have a lot of ambiance. Yeah, I can just hear the sound of other people clearing their throats. And putting their trays away. Putting their tray, yeah, let's talk about that.

They have like a nightmare haunted house hallway of like, you go in and it's just like grime on both sides of you and you're walking in, slide your tray in, and it's just a bunch of dirty trays. And I'm gonna be honest, I don't like walking through it. It kind of grosses me out. What's interesting is why, oh, okay, so to answer my own question.

So first of all, I was gonna say, why can't both of those things face the other way so that you don't have to walk into a Oh, sure. Star Wars style, you know, Luke trapped in the thing. Yeah, yeah. Cause it bothered you when you walked in. Yeah. You didn't like it.

No, I don't like being that close. But facing them outwards would display all of that to everybody else in the restaurant. What I would do is like, I think like cubbies from when I'm in elementary school where they're just, it's one wall and they're all facing the same way. What I would do- I don't wanna be surrounded by it. Okay, but what I would do,

which I think would hearken back to cafeteria times, is a conveyor belt. Like Diana R. This is like school university style, where there's a conveyor belt that goes into a back area that you don't know. You love conveyor belts. I do, I do, I do.

But do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And where there's a worker beyond a little area you can't see and you just put your tray on it and you watch it go into the back and magically they are cleaned back there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what.

And they come out like a billion degrees because they've been like steamed. Oh yeah, when they put them at the, when you go into the restaurant and they're a little wet, but like hot and clean. But I think the reason they don't do that is that probably somebody comes and gets those trays once every... Few hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or hour maybe. So I think your problem also was that you walked into the little gauntlet. There were a lot of trays in there already. Yeah, it was full. If you were first or second, maybe it wouldn't bother you as much?

Probably, but still I'd conceptually be like, oh, but it could be full of gr much. Probably, but still, I'd conceptually be like, oh, but it could be full of grime. Right, right, right. But actually noticing it full of grime is a whole different thing. And like, you know, it is contained. It's not like it was stinky or anything like that.

But I also have like, I have a phobia of like the grease on a plate when you're like hand washing something. I do not, like I wash my dishes immediately because I like build up grosses me out so much. Interesting. So I'm like a, I'm a clean as I cook kind of guy. Like dinner's not even done and the pot I cooked it in is clean.

Right. What about if you were a person that was thrifting and you wanted to save money. You know the kind of people that I wash out my Ziploc bags and reuse them kind of person? Yeah, yeah. you were a person that was thrifting and you wanted to save money. You know the kind of people that I wash out my Ziploc bags and reuse them kind of person? Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna pitch this.

Ziploc bags? You never heard of this? No. Oh yeah, that's a thrifting. By the way, you're gonna hate this idea, but I'm just saying, if you really wanted to save a lot of money, you drive to the Ikea, which has free parking.

You go up to the IKEA Swedish bistro and you eat food off of the trays that's been left. No! I hate that and get out. Our two... That's so bad. Our two trays had a lot of food left on them that somebody could easily just walk in right after us.

That was so generous for you to say our two trays when we know who the main contributor to a lot of leftover food was and it was me. Yeah, well, I mean, but what I'm saying is- It was nice of you. Somebody could walk in right after you, pull your tray out, go sit down with the tray. Sure.

And have pretty much another meal. And just eat around the bite marks. I mean, theirs would have been mostly bad French fries and the rest of these desserts. They would have had all the stuff that I was like, I was underwhelmed by this, would you like it? But I mean, look, the IKEA has good wifi, it has couches, and it has potentially free food.

Just based on you suggesting this, like, are you okay? Do you need a place to stay? I mean, it's an idea, yeah. Yeah. What else? How are you with sharing food with somebody, you know, like if your girlfriend eats part of a... Someone I know.

...part of a sandwich, and they're like, take a bite of this. Girlfriend, I'm fine with it. I've gotten better about it with, like, other people, but, like, a stranger, I'm not... Yeah. The other day, my husband wouldn't eat a breath mint because I handed it to him out of the package. That's interesting.

I thought you were gonna say, because you handed it out of your mouth, would you like that, you want some? No. That would be crazy. Because of a series of bits, 10 minutes later when he didn't like the mint, he did spit it into my mouth.

Wonderful. That was a prank he was playing on me. But he... Gotcha. He got me with that. What I'm saying is that he... What I'm saying is if you're willing to lower your bar, you can go to the Ikea and eat for free.

That's all I'm saying. Chris, my whole show's premise is based around lowering my bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, if we could add up all of the extra meals that you could have had out of all the leftovers. I usually, I mean, I expected this food to be cheaper. I mean, I knew the reputation of Ikea is how affordable the food is.

So I was like, okay, I don't mind getting a few extra plates. And then it ended up being... I was gonna say, is this part of your bad part? Like the total price? Look, I almost never take price into consideration just because it's like, I'm trying to review the experience. You decide if it's worth it or not for your dollar. But everyone's willingness to spend

just varies so drastically that something that might be worth it at a $20 price point for me is drastically not worth it for someone else. Well, I thought this meal was a great deal. You did. Because I heard you check out at the register and the cashier said it was $35. Yeah.

And I was like, that's, I went to McDonald's the other day and got food for me and my husband and it was 30 something dollars. Yeah. And I was like, this is great, $35 for the two of us. And then I was like, nope, that was yours. And I had been a little like, I'm trying some extra stuff,

but I did not realize that my tray added up to that much. And not only that, out of our two trays, my tray was the second most expensive, right? Out of the two? I like saying the second most of two the least What I'm saying is that like yes, I 35 dollars was a for what I got I think a lot of money. Yeah, and your tray was more expensive. It was like 42 I think when somebody imagines us spending $35 and $42 on

Trays of Ikea food they would imagine that we came out with like a lot of copious of Food we did not no, I don't think it really was no of Ikea food, they would imagine that we came out with like a lot of copious of food. We did not. No, I don't think it really was. No, it was like a little more than what I would get at a loopy. Yeah, it did not feel exorbitant. No, but the price did. So, yeah, I mean, it is appropriate to talk about it in the not good. It isn't usually a thing I factor in, but it is crazy to me

that collectively we spent seventy seven dollars at Nike. Yeah. And just the food. but it is crazy to me that collectively we spent $77 at Nikea. Yeah, and it- Just the food. And I guess we'd have to go back and really tally it out, but none of the individual items seemed, whoa, that's crazy expensive or whatever,

but conversely, I wouldn't say that any of them felt like a great value. Right. You know? Yeah, oh yeah, I think price is kind of the last thing. Maybe the weight for your egg rolls, but honestly, the like silver lining of that is but you get them super fresh.

So I really don't even put that in the not good. I will say that a thing I would put in the bad category is that the food as a whole didn't feel well-chefed or something. Well-chefed or something. You know what I mean? Like it didn't feel that someone has their eye on the whole menu. There was no, you know, when they say like that extra ingredient is love.

This was like the extra ingredient is let me get my paycheck. It's a little bit like. It was heartless. They talk about like the Seattle freeze and people from Scandinavian countries being slightly unfriendly when they come to America. Yeah. There's a little bit of that instead of the chef love that you want.

Yeah, yeah. It's a little bit of the coldness to it. Sure. Which, you know, geographically appropriate. Makes sense. I guess. Okay, well, that's that. Let's go ahead and just... And I am going to give one thumb down overall to the food.

Yeah, I think that's fine. Like I think that's totally just I'm not going to go full trashing it with two thumbs down but I think one thumb down is a healthy place to put this food one thumb down is appropriate because of what I'm talking about like it's yeah like almost Like missing something someone doesn't care that much about the food part, which is a weird thing for a restaurant. And a weirder thing for a furniture store. Yeah. Okay, cool.

Well, let's go ahead and talk about what was just there. I'm not quite sure what to say about it. Yeah. This is for the stuff that is just there. So yeah, for me, the service was just there. The atmosphere was just there. But there were a few food items. The chicken tenders, unremarkable, five out of 10. Yeah. And for me, the meatballs. Okay. And for me, the meatballs.

I know you like the meatballs. I think I was tricked into liking them because of their reputation and my first bite, they were warm. And I was like, I took the first bite and I was like, okay, this is a unique thing. And then it just had diminishing returns as I kept going. And I felt like my rating lowered every single bite.

Mm. And it wasn't necessarily that they were getting colder. Sure, like the extra warmth of that first bite helped it. But like, it wasn't even like a complaint over it so much as a... I don't know. I don't have a lot of respect for a meatball. It's just not... Wait, in general? In general.

Wow. It's like the meatloaf, it's like meatloaf. It's just, it's not a desirable style of serving. This is scandalous. Is it? You don't have respect for a meatloaf? No! This is the most, I wanna reinstitute the house

for Un-American Activities Committee for this. You want- And it would be worth it. No, and then the other thing, you're gonna hate this as a Texan. I'm just convinced chicken fried steak isn't good. Oh my God. I've tried it now three times.

I had it at Texas Roadhouse. I had it at Luby's. Wait, did I have it? No, I did not have it at Luby's. This is spoken like a damn Yankee from Chicago. I had it at Denny's. And then I had it, which don't, just don't. Yeah, of course. And then I had it at, do's and then I had it, which don't just don't. Yeah, of course.

And then I had it at, do you know Dick's last resort? Yeah. That was my Patreon episode. A few weeks ago. What were the three Dick's last resort Denny's and what was the third one? Luby's? Texas Roadhouse. I would say those three are still, I mean, still not the best.

Well, I'll say my friend who had it at Dick's Last Resort did really like it. Okay. So I'm just convinced I don't, I think it's the use of the word steak. And I do talk about this in my Dick's Last Resort episode. The fact that it's like hamburger meat and not actual steak, I'm expecting like, almost like a steak katsu that you would get in Japan,

like actual breaded with real steak inside. Let me tell you something, this fucking Texas, this ain't fucking Kyoto wherever the fuck you are. Well, let me tell you, when I was in Tokyo, the best meal I had was a breaded steak that was served like extra rare with a hot stone that you like cook it extra to your liking on. And it was literally the definition

of what I would call a chicken fried steak. It was like that fried breading. Oh, that was better than the chicken fried steak at Denny's? Wow. What? Yes. But like that's my expectation of a chicken fried steak and the fact that it isn't that style of meat,

the fact that it is hamburger meat, I just don't think it's good. I just wanna say, since this is coming out in January, what you just described is the perfect metaphor for American politics. You're either a elitist steak from Tokyo or you're a subpart you can fry a steak from Denny's. Those are our options these days.

I'm shocked that you hate meatloaf. And I heard you say that you hate meatloaf. I don't have respect for meatloaf. And I heard you say that you hate meatloaf. I don't have respect for meatloaf. And for a meatball. That's almost worse. It just feels like you grab shit off the counter, like crumbs off the counter and swooped it into your hand

and then you put it in a pan and fried it. Like it just feels like... Right, so again, what I'm hearing you say is you hate the working class. Um... LAUGHS What I was gonna say is that at certain Italian places, like here in Los Angeles, you can get really great meatballs for like, for example, like a Desano Pizzeria on Santa Monica.

I'm usually like a bolognese. I like my meat in the sauce. Right, right, right. So when you go to like a Buca di Beppo, you don't get like pasta with sauce and then get like separate meatball orders on the side. No, I'm usually just in the sauce. Right, right, right. So when you go to like a Bucatabepo, you don't get like pasta with sauce and then get like separate meatball orders on the side. No, I'm usually just a meat sauce. But those meatballs are always really good. But like maybe a sliced up Italian sausage I'll get on there.

Right, right, right, that makes sense. But what I'm saying is that those meatballs are good, but you only get like two. Yeah. And you had what? Eight. Right. So it's normal.

I think any meatball, I would almost argue any food might have diminishing returns. If every bite was like your first bite, you would have given a higher rate. Yeah. Look, the bloomin' onion, nothing has topped it. So every petal of that onion to the end you love. What about the awesome blossom? A pale imitation. Okay.

I haven't been to Chili's yet for the show, but yeah, it's upsetting. So if I go to Outback and get the Bloomin' Onion, you're saying that my first bite to the last, there's not gonna be a steep drop off. I don't think so. Okay, interesting. Also, I mean, I get the

burger that has Bloomin' Onion Petals and Bloomsauce on it at Outback. Okay. And that is a masterful creation. Okay. Yeah, what else do I have as just there? Yeah, so these meatballs, like six out of ten, whatever. And I'm even lumping in like the mashed potatoes with that. They tasted like boxed mashed potatoes a little. There was nothing sexy about these mashed potatoes. To me they were a little better, but I understand where you're coming from. Yeah.

They're definitely made from powder. Like they're not, those are not made from real potatoes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The little green marzipan bite that we had tasted like carbonated to me. It had like a weird, what you called a brightness. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To me, tasted like, like fizzy in a weird way. Like I don't know how to, that's not the right word.

And I don't have the vocabulary to assign it the right word, but that's the closest approximation that I can get it. Unless you're eating Pop Rocks, you don't want your food to be fizzy. No. Uh, but I thought it was like an interesting taste. It was just there for me, five out of 10. Wait, did you put the oat thing in the bad? Yeah. Okay, for me, both of those were just there.

Yeah. And then lastly, a cafeteria line. You said you liked the notion of a cafeteria line. For me, it's not necessarily not good, but again, it's just kind of like, I feel like I'm in prison. That's what I love about it. Now, what I love in general is I don't like saying,

I want this food, and then 18 minutes later, it comes to me. I get that. I love the immediacy. I love like, I want that, they hand it to you, it's yours now. The thing that I like about ordering my food and getting it 18 minutes later is I know that they they hand it to you, it's yours now. The thing that I like about ordering my food and getting it 18 minutes later is I know

that they're starting cooking it once the order goes in. And so there's a freshness to it that I enjoy as opposed to something that's been under a heat lamp and therefore is inconsistent. Like the Texas toast, the garlic bread, I nabbed it specifically because the lady was coming out with a fresh batch right when I walked by. I was like, I will take one of these right now.

And that lady was your mom. I don't relate or ever think about at all. Freshness? The freshness of food. Like it doesn't, I never, I never think about things sitting under a heat lamp. I never think about how long has that been sitting out? I never think about is sitting under a heat lamp. I never think about how long has that been sitting out. I never think about is it cooked to order?

I mean, I'm only realizing this now because you bring it up, that I just never ever think about it. That's fine, it doesn't have to bother you. No, I just wonder if that is like, is this a particularly fast food American philosophy that I've absorbed? Or is it a potentially a Chinese American thing that I've absorbed because a lot of Chinese American

families that I have been exposed to, primarily my own, but others as well, sometimes have a different relationship to like, freshness, what's raw, what's not, what's cooked, what's not. And this is not the exact right example, but for example, like, when you go to Chinese restaurant and there's cooked, boiled chicken sitting in the window,

and it's dressed with like soy sauce and scallions and that kind of stuff, which I love. The skin on that chicken is soft. Most of my white friends cannot handle the fact that the chicken skin is soft. It doesn't bother me at all. I love that dish so much. Most of the Chinese people I know love that dish.

And so that's not an exact analog to what I'm talking about, but I wonder if somewhere in there, there's a divergence of what, like I just never think about. Well, there's also like a, what I've observed at least, my girlfriend's Chinese and the stuff that I'll see her eat with her family or stuff that her friends will talk about eating.

There is more of a use every part of the animal philosophy as well. Like eating cartilage, the notion of it grosses me out and I know that it's not that uncommon. And dim sum, and even that kind of has like the heat lamp element to it, where it's like we're carting around food. That's sitting in steam basically.

It's sitting in steam. Some of it can be very good to me, but it is a thing I notice. Do you think your girlfriend likes the soft skin of a chicken? What a question. And could you ask this in a romantic setting? I just need to know.

And could you lotion up your arm as you do it? Do you like the soft skin of a chicken? What are you doing? Don't worry about it. But do you think that she does, or do you think she has? And could you like lotion up your arm as you do it? Do you like the soft skin of a chicken? What are you doing? Don't worry about it. But do you think that she does, or do you think she has? She loves like boiled stuff and boiling is kind of similar to like a meatball.

I don't have a lot of love for the process of boiling food. So can you ask her, next time you see her, can you ask her if you took a whole chicken and boiled it, let it cool to room temperature and then dressed it with soy sauce, sesame oil, and scallions. I imagine she would enjoy it.

Which she like it, yes. I imagine she would. Yeah, yeah. Because a cold chicken version of that over white rice is like so good to me. And a lot of people that I know just cannot handle the idea of the skin being soft. What a divergence from,

I don't have respect for meatballs. Yeah. OK, so that to me is everything that's just there. OK. That's all the elements that we need to consider. I think we're ready to give a number to IKEA to score it, to put it up on the tchotchke of mediocrity. But before we do that, this is your first time on the podcast. I've been to 91 restaurants so far.

Wow. I've calibrated my scale. I know what my low end and my high end looks like. Okay. You have not, so I just wanna take a quick stop at the calibration station and get you to calibrate your scale. Okay.

Play the theme song. Yeah. Calibration station Comparing this meal to the best or the worst. Calibration station, chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo. Okay, Chris, your zero, your 10, the best restaurant experience you've ever had, the worst restaurant experience you've ever had, which would you like to talk about briefly first, just to calibrate your scale? I'll talk about my worst.

And I had a hard time thinking of one, because to be honest, I haven't had a ton of bad restaurant experiences. That's good. Which is great. I would say my worst restaurant experience was a restaurant in Edinburgh, Scotland called Mums, which is still there.

And if you work at Mums... Shame on you. So I'm never going back anyway. But it is a place people go to a lot. I'm sorry, it has a lot of devoted fans. They have a lot of good dishes, a lot of which revolve around, here is a kind of mashed potato, what do you want to put into it, a sausage? I genuinely thought you were gonna say

a lot of them revolve around. I was like, you cannot avoid these. Worst restaurant experience was a conveyor belt restaurant where the conveyor belt broke down, no. Yeah. So mashed potatoes, people. A lot of hearty dishes, good in a wintertime, rainy, windy climate, homey comfort food,

feels very appealing. We went there after a show at the Edinburgh Fringe one time, and maybe this is colored by wintertime, rainy, windy climate, homey comfort food, feels very appealing. We went there after a show at the Edinburgh Fringe one time, and maybe this is colored by the fact that Edinburgh Fringe is a very busy time, staffing is difficult. There's a lot of extra pressures on a restaurant during Fringe that don't exist the rest of the year.

However, overall, the service at this one visit that I had was the worst table service that I've ever had. Really? In general, in the UK and Europe, a lot of table service is much slower. So, which is can be a good or bad thing. If you're there with someone you love to chat with and you want to be there for six hours, there's a lot of restaurants in those worlds where you can't sit there for six hours and they never bring you the check unless you ask for it. I do love a restaurant that you can just tell isn't rushing you out and you get there.

Sure. You get to have your socializing and... But I like a little bit of rush when I'm getting the food and drink. Agreed. Totally. So the problem is sometimes they're like that on that end too. So this was one where it was like we're given the menus, we're sat down, and then it's a long time before even the first do you want water is brought up.

But mostly this was the worst experience because imagine lots of long gaps between water, drink, food order, food coming out, food was fine. But every single step of this meal was drawn out. During that whole time, the waiter, who was a blonde, cantankerous woman, and almost as if she was working in one of those restaurants where the theme is, they're rude to you.

Like Dick's Last Resort. Yeah, yeah. Or Dick's Last Resort. Is Dick's Last Resort where they make you wear like a paper hat? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Well, I didn't ask to wear a paper hat at this restaurant.

And I remember just saying things such as, you can take our order now, you know, or because it was taking so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was one of those things where the waiter is very visible. You know, like visibly not doing anything. Right.

So it was not a crazy busy night. There was not any rational explanations why the gaps were taking so long. But then she was quite feisty, clap-backy at all these points. So if I said like, we're ready to order now or you can take our order now. And she was like, oh, can I?

Can I take your order now? Can I please master? Can I take your order? And I was, and I don't, you don't know me like that. So like, I don't know, I'm not in the mood to, I will be a little confrontational. I have friends I think who are a little back away from an energy like that, and I will lean into an energy

like that, so she said something like, oh, can I, can I master it? And I was like, yeah, you can, because you work here. Like, I mean, can I master it? And I was like, yeah, you can because you're, you work here. Like I, I mean, I probably made it worse, but, um, so this interaction was just unpleasant throughout a three hour long meal that had mediocre food in it. Okay. That was the worst. It was just extended and it was unpleasant and it was functioning on a

Dick's last resortort level that- Wasn't intended. Wasn't intended, I didn't ask for, and was not justified by the mediocre quality of the food. That's Mums in Enboro on Forest Road. I'll see you there next August. All right, and then your best restaurant experience. Best restaurant experience was-

What would you call a 10 out of 10? I saved up money and got up at 9 a.m. when the online reservations were made available for a restaurant in New York City called Momofuku Co. which is David Chang's bar style restaurant like 14 seat restaurant where you all sit at a bar and it's a predetermined menu and everybody basically like eats together or like in the same sort of flights kind of order. And I had a seat by myself and this is the most money I've ever spent on a meal

up to that point, which I think was like $145. And... Just everything hit. Well, I was also sat next to someone I didn't know, which everybody sort of was, but we were sort of in pods in a way. And so this guy and I got sat at the same time, and so we got served together the whole time.

And we were discussing the meal together as it went. And it was my first experience with small dishes being served by a chef who's explaining, you know, everything about the pretentious part of the movie, the menu, but in an effective, honest way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The chef like put it in front of you and said, this is unagi from this region. Uh, we made it like this and it was like a little, um, jewel tone wooden box that you opened up and had unagi in it. You know what I mean? Like it was all like, where every part of that, that you think is so stupid andagi in it. You know what I mean? Like it was all that kind of stuff. Where every part of that that you think is so stupid and pretentious worked. And signature dish at Momofuku-ko was shaved foie gras over like a yuzu frozen jelly or something like that.

Where like it was just like a microplained foie gras that had been frozen, so flakes of it on top of this citrus jelly that just melted in your mouth. All the time I've ever had foie gras, by the way. Somewhere I have all the dishes written down. And the two things, one is the bond that I had with the guy, who I'd never met, never seen him again. Now your husband. And the two things, one is the bond that I had with the guy who I'd never met, never seen him again.

Now your husband. Never seen him again. But we walked out of the restaurant and for about three or four minutes we just laughed on the sidewalk out of a sort of satiety that we had. And the second thing, speaking of satiety was, I would say the full caloric intake of the meal

was less than like a McDonald's value meal. But we had like 14 different flavors in a row. Were you hungry at all? No, not at all. So that's the thing I noticed was, It was the right amount. No, I felt like overly full of sensation after having 14 different laser-focused flavor attacks

in a way that I was just like, I felt drunk is the thing I remember. I think that's why we were laughing so much, is that we felt intoxicated by the variety and intensity of the flavors in these pretty small bites. Out of 14, let's say 10 of which you'd be like, man, I would love to have more of that. But because of the structure of the meal,

you weren't gonna have another meal. It was sort of like if somebody just served you the one half meatball with mashed potatoes, Lincoln beer jam on a plate, it just gave you that. And you'd be like, holy fuck, that meatball was incredible. Here's your one. Yeah.

So no diminishing returns in this meal at all. Impossible, because the portions are too small. Okay. Yeah. That's a 10. So compared to that and Mums, somewhere in between lies IKEA Swedish Bistro. So he's calibrated, Let's give our final rating. Final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, final score, I'm going to let you go first here, just like a brief rundown of how you would encapsulate

this experience, what led you to your score and what that score is. I love many, many things about this setup. I love the logistics of it. I love the cleanliness of it. I love the efficiency of it. I love the cleanliness of it. I love the efficiency of it. I love the cafeteria style. And so that's all bumping me up to like seven, eight type area.

I like the meatballs and I like the desserts, some of the desserts that we had. This is all like, I'm living in seven, eight type area. The overall feeling of the food letting me down and that feeling that we talked about where is there a chef thinking about this stuff? Or is this just coming from a blue binder of recipes sent from Ingvar from his cookie and biscuit cafe?

Brings it down. And I was debating in the fours and fives area. And so I still think that the, it's almost like the husk and shell of this restaurant. I do like enough for me to consider it just slightly above average. Food brings it down. So for me, it's a 5.17. 5.17.

So this was my first time dining here. And so it was all a new experience for me. That's I think where we differed, not necessarily that that inherently makes our ratings, it doesn't have any implication on if I'm going to like it more or less. It just means that for you, you came in with an expectation, having experienced it before, and I kind of came in with like a, what's this? Right, right, right.

You were like Jack in Nightmare for Christmas. Yeah, exactly. And I had never tasted these meatballs. I have heard so much about them. The cinnamon roll for some reason I had heard about and got that and I ended up liking pretty much all of the other main desserts more. I don't have a lot of love for a cafeteria setup.

I do like a Luby's. You know, we did mention Luby's different chain in Texas. You don't respect meatballs as you established. Don't respect meatballs. I mean, it's like, look, they can be done well, but it's just, I don't know. If you're giving me beef, if you're giving me pork, I usually want them in a different configuration.

You almost were talking like Drag Race style. It's giving beef. It's giving... Like, yeah, I want a burger. I want a steak. I want, you know, of course there's a billion ways to prepare these things. I'd say burger would be an easy add to this menu.

It really would. Okay, yeah. It really would. And just, I don't know, nothing served out of a silver tin box that's under, like, you know, or over boiling water that's warming it from the outside is going to reach very high to me. Nothing where you're advertising products you can buy in the showroom on the walls is

going to impress me that much. It's a sales pitch. It's not like they're trying to immerse you in the way that like a rainforest cafe even like you know what a comparison but like you're you know you have like a really themed restaurant and here it's like our theme is buy our furniture right and so it's not grabbing me in any particular way I love a banter with a waiter are you the type who wants a silent uber drive absolutely I love a banter with a waiter. I like, look, do you, are you the type who wants a silent Uber drive? Absolutely. I love conversation.

Oh my God. I do. And so, yeah, I don't know. There's just so much about this that it felt impersonal. You're from Texas. Have you been to a Rudy's barbecue? Yeah. So like, I don't mind that setup where it's like grab your cold stuff

and then you go get your, like you're having a conversation with the meat cutter and they're giving you the portions. You just like conversation. I love talking. Your conversations are your conveyor belts. Look dude, we've talked two and a half hours about IKEA. So I mean, I do like the conversation, I really do.

I like a relationship between the person giving me food. Imagine if this podcast was taking place on a conveyor belt. It would be both of our greatest dreams. We're talking, we're revolving, it's the best. And so, yeah, I am a bit lower. I would call IKEA a not good restaurant. Does it mean I hate it?

Does it mean I'm averse to going here again? No, but I'm not singing its praises. Well, also, I mean, very, although I think you said 20% of people go just for the restaurant. I think 30. Okay. Yeah, 20 or 30, but yeah. The case that I would make to you, because I sense a low rating coming, is what if you and your girlfriend go shopping,

you get some stuff for the house. I'm gonna look up what's near IKEA and be like, let's go there instead. No, no, no, this is what I'm saying. Yes, you can do that, totally. For food. You can do that afterwards, but let's say you wanna go discuss your purchases, right?

Yeah. Just go and you each just get a coffee and you get just get a coffee and you get the almond toffee and she gets the cake. Just that and you sit down and talk about your purchases. But that's a snack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to contextualize this.

I would do that, yeah. Yeah, I'm saying this is a way that you can interact with the restaurant most pleasantly. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely a place for this in my life, but it's definitely not a place I'm gonna crave. So I'm gonna go 3.23. So when we put our scores together, we average them out.

IKEA goes up on the Chachki of mediocrity at a 4.20. Now, first of all, 4.2 is great,.20. Now, first of all, 4.2 is great, 420. Now, I wish I had rated it 6.77 to make it be exactly five. That's pretty, you know what, that's pretty good. So it is in the company of, it's one one hundredth better than Cinnabon, which I think the cinnamon roll at Cinnabon is better.

I think maybe Cinnabon should be higher. But yeah, I mean, it's the restaurant experience. The food on Cinnabon is fire, but like the service, the atmosphere is sad. I haven't been to a Cheddar's. It's in Texas. There's not one out here. But yeah, it's like in the IHOP McDonald's, the strip club I went to, Sam's Hoff Bra. Wow.

It's in that range. Above a Sizzler, above all the Buffalo Wild Wings, above a Shakey's. Yeah. Let's see what else is at the bottom of this. Wing Street's quite low, wow. Why, you fucking hate that White Castle. White Castle sucks.

Anyways, what all this means ultimately though, IKEA, Swedish Bistro is officially less than mediocre. Less than mediocre, not quite as good as Cracker Barrel. Of course it is. Like let's be real, I wasn't expecting a midpoint, a cracker barrel or better experience out of this. I mean, how many times does a business have a primary focus and then they do a secondary thing and it's better than average?

Costco is the only other one I've tried, which I think did rate higher. Yeah, 5.68 for the Costco food court. Okay. So, a little bit above average. Yeah. I mean, I guess you could argue a place, like, Yamaha, they make pianos and other things. Oh, like, pianos and jet skis?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so, either way, IKEA did not get the perfect 5.00 out of 10, which means I gotta go somewhere next time. So I'm gonna draw from the You Must bowl, which will tell me where I must go next time. Are you ready for this? Next week on the Fine Dining Podcast, I will be going to... McDonald's, but specifically for breakfast.

That's right. Next week, I'm going to have McDonald's, but for breakfast. Oh, well, I mean, McDonald's breakfast, not what did it get? Well, McDonald's, that was for the Grimace shake specifically. 4.28. So is there a normal McDonald's rating? I have not done a flat out McDonald's episode yet. I've done like the birthday meal for grimace.

Gotcha. I'm just based on our previous conversation. It's going to do well. Breakfast is going to do well. Breakfast from McDonald's is the ideal way to do McDonald's. And I do like a McGriddle. So that'll be next week. We'll see where that lands.

But in the meantime, that is another episode of the Fine Dining Podcast. Chris, thanks so much for coming to IKEA with me and doing this nonsense conversation. Not on a conveyor belt. Thanks for paying for that exorbitant meal I just had. Yeah. If you wanna plug. Sure.

You can follow me on TikTok and Instagram at ChrisGraceComedy, but more importantly, go to dropout.tv and watch ChrisGrace as Scarlett Johansson. It's a blast. And you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast. You can send an email and tell me what you thought of this episode.

Tell me where I need to go next. What places do I need to put into the You Must Bowl? And I've got Patreon episodes coming out every month. need to go next? What places do I need to put into the you must bowl? And, uh, I've, you know, got Patreon episodes coming out every month. So you can go check that out. Patreon.com slash fine dining podcast. Uh, we didn't find the most mediocre restaurant in America. The search does in fact continue. I'll see you next time. Have a fine day! Our journey did not conclude The mother-eating search continues

Raddison iTunes Review And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars, huh? Come on! Follow us on TikTok The same on Instagram. All the socials at Find Dining Podcast. We have a website, finddiningpodcast.com. Buy our t-shirts, then put them on And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next OKAY!

We're going to find it Mediocrity The search continues See you next week!