Fine Dining - Chipotle Review feat. Zara Mizrahi (Stand-Up, American Dad, Family Guy) [Part Two]

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, let's review a restaurant as Mexican as our host is: Chipotle!! It's time to chat the Chipotle Mexican Grill dining experience, joined once again by stand-up comedian and Chipotle-lover, Zara Mizrahi What's the actual best restaurant Zara's ever experienced? The "art" on the wall is not art, no matter how badly it wants to be What's Going On Over There with the restaurant turning down the music as soon as we start talking? The number of government employees in uniform is Way Too Much We wanted to adopt our burrito-smith despite him warning me of a guac explosion The drawing for an all-expenses paid trip to Applebee's! What we ate: Agua Fresca (Michael) Sofritas Burrito (Zara) Carnitas Burrito (Michael) Chips & Guac (Both) "Fine" Dining is now on video! Head on over to our YouTube to watch this episode!   Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Kyle Schieffer (@JazzyJellyfish) Segment Transitions Voiced by: Sandy Rose "Fine" Dining is on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month (last week, I released April's episode where I hit Shari's Restaurant & Pies with first-time podcast 3-peat guest, my cousin Emma Danger), extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Sean Spademan, Joyce Van, & Sue Ornelas   Get the 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send in your Chipotle stories at [e-mail].   Follow the show on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast Follow Zara on TikTok and Instagram @zaramizrahi   Let me know where I should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I read every one!   Next week on "Fine" Dining: P.F. Chang's History [Part One]! I go deep into the lore of the most iconic American-made Asian cuisine restaurant chain in the country, and I bring Andres Simonian with me, in what might be a traitorous act, given he's one of the "Wendy's guys" in the current ad campaign they're running in Spanish-speaking markets. Ever work at P.F. Chang's? Send your stories to [e-mail].

Hello and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I'm your host, Michael Ornelas, still joined by my friend, comedian, voice actress, Zahra Mizrahi. Hello. I said your name a lot earlier this time so that you get like, it releases you into being able to speak.

Yeah, but you also weren't clear that that was the end of the sentence. When you're like, Zahra Mizrahi. And then I'm like, hey, do I interrupt you or do I just jump in and hope that it's correct? You know, either whatever, follow your instincts, it's fine. I did it. We went to Chipotle, which if you didn't watch last week,

it's kind of Zara if she were a restaurant. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. She loves Chipotle. I'm so into it. She literally, I said, how do you want me to introduce you? Stand up comedian, voice, and she was like, Chipotle enthusiast, first and foremost. I don't know if I have any other mission in life

that matters to me this much. When people don't know how amazing it is, I feel like it is my duty to introduce them. You're proselytizing. Yeah. For those of you watching this show for the first time, I'm looking for the perfect 5.00 dining experience out of 10, the most mediocre,

and I'm doing it at all the chain restaurants in the country because, let's be honest, that's where we're gonna find perfect mediocrity. Yeah. Absolutely, right? I think we disagree on Chipotle being mediocre. Yeah. But I mean, I do agree with the rest of your stuff.

I have to leave no stone unturned. I got to check every chain restaurant. That doesn't mean they're all going to be mediocre. We disagree on Chipotle. We do. Yeah. But yeah, just people call things good and bad, like it means anything. But we haven't defined where good becomes bad. That nexus point right in the middle.

That's what I have set out to try and find. And I'm doing it based on a restaurant's atmosphere, based on their service and based on their food. Yum. I can't. Am I supposed to say that? You hated that. Did you hate that? There's something about the word yum that you don't have to say. Yum. I did. They're just I don't. Am I supposed to say that? You hated that. Did you hate that? There's something about the word yum that really... You don't have to say yum.

They're just... I don't know why. Yummy! My dining party of two. We've been talking too long. Our table is ready. We'll be right back after the song. Your table is ready. Follow me. Have you tried our chicken breast? Serving pancakes and ribs, I recommend the spaghetti We're here to satisfy, not to impress Your table is ready

Complementary butter and bread These walls have growth signs Knick-knack cowboy hat, good luck hat Altograph guitar, some crap from your city Behold the tchotchke of mediocrity Fine dining Just fine dining just fine dining! Fine dining!

Two letters on the sign are shining. Neon flickering, irregular timing. Identify the perfect fine- She's Pal Fine dining. Fine dining. Atmosphere. There was like a gross drip outside. There's a puddle. You have to like walk around it. It's like radiator drip almost. But my issue is that you're blaming Chipotle for this. It's not the building.

It's on the Chipotle. But it's not like Chipotle was like we're putting this drip here. Chipotle was honestly, I don't know that. Look, the drip in the salsa is a Chipotle thing. Yeah, the drip in the building structural integrity is not a Chipotle thing. I don't know. It's literally coming from the word Chipotle on the sign. I mean, do you think they put it there? I think, I don't know. Don't make me argue this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You might have a point, but I want to hold them responsible. Like, you're responsible for the things in your building. If you had like a floorboard in your home that was just up and someone walked in and tripped, they're not going to be like, oh, well, it was the building. They'll be like, your home needs to be fixed. I disagree. If that person is renting that place, then they're like, fuck,

I have to tell the owners because then the owner is going to be reliable. Sorry, I assumed you owned. OK, you think Chipotle owns the... OK, that's fair. I was trying to make the analogy about you and miss the whole point of, yeah, Chipotle is leasing. Okay. But, but. I still hold it against them. I mean, but but it is part of the Chipotle experience that we had today.

Yes, so I'm trying to save you. Yes. All right. It was. And then we walk inside and it's just. Corrugated metal and like wood paneling and it's just corrugated metal and like wood paneling. It's low effort. It's pretty standard. It's, well, for a Chipotle, that doesn't make it good.

No, but like, I mean, it's a choice. What's the nicest restaurant you've been to? The Chipotle on... Shut up! LAUGHTER I really love them. Chipotle has been there for me in so many times in my life where I really needed help. And like, I just can't. Look, I brought you on because you're funny, but I need a real answer.

What's the best restaurant you've ever been to? I mean, I love Mastro's, even though I don't eat steak. They're the highest scoring. Oh, there it is. Look, I knew they weren't gonna be mediocre, but the week before we went to Sizzler and it just felt like a mistake needed to be corrected.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hilarious that they're so good. What they're known for is the steak, obviously. And you're vegan. And I don't eat it hilarious that they're so good. Like what they're known for is the steak, obviously. And you're vegan. I don't eat it. But everything else makes it still the best. Yeah, it's so good. It's like you have like a team of people waiting on you, too. And like every single service member is like a part of the experience.

The atmosphere is nice. I like the one in Newport. Oh, I don't think I've been to that one. But there's always someone playing piano. There's like it's smells good. I've been there in Newport. Oh, I don't think I've been to that one, but there's always someone playing piano. There's like, it smells good. I've been there a few times. My mom loves it. It's some birthday tradition. We go there for her birthday.

And then there's one in Palm Desert and I'm there a lot because my dad lives out there. So I always know that I can go there to feel fancy. Yeah. It's bougie. So now, if they had a drip at the front, you'd be like, what? This isn't... Oh my god, you're so right.

If they had corrugated metal paneling and like, you'd just be like, is this like a tin shed? Well, that would be a choice though. That's different. Right. But you wouldn't call it good but like you're literally paying like fourteen dollars and thirty five cents when you go to Chipotle yeah so like good for fourteen dollars I guess I don't believe in good

for I just believe in good all right I mean that's all one scale yeah that's much less nuanced sure then I guess the way I think about it. I'm a caveman. That's fine. That's fine. Yeah. Okay, I guess that it's not good. I mean, that's all I'm saying.

Like, I don't, this decor at Chipotle didn't offend me, but I'm just like, yeah, okay, it's whatever. It sort of feels like you're sitting in a burrito. Cause it's like you sit, everything is lined with like the silver aluminum and it looks like ripply. You know, you know what has like a wave to it. You made it make sense. And then and then the wood on the tables is the same color brown as the tortilla and the and like the brown rice and the brown rice and stuff. So it actually does go along with

the theme. But the industrial art that they have. Yeah, let's talk about this art. Black and white, fancy photos, close up of the cups. Yeah, and like the stools. It was like, here are the stools that we have, which are always too far from the bar that they're like bolted near. You have to like do a weird reach.

Yeah, it's weird when stools, because stools are so- Shitty. Yeah, and they're so like person specific. Yeah. You know, it's really weird to bolt a stool into the ground. This is where you sit.

I don't care about your arm length. Yeah. I don't care about your height. Yeah. This is where you sit. Exactly, and it just feels really limiting and kind of scary. And the stakes of being so high off the ground. There were no backs.

Yeah. You know? You could take a tumble. I mean, I could see myself letting go of my defenses when I have a burrito in my hand. Mm, bleh. Yeah. It just doesn't feel safe.

California woman falls to death at local Chipotle. From enjoying it too much. How far did she fall? Like four feet, but land a square on her neck. It feels safe. California woman falls to death at local Chipotle. From enjoying it too much. How far did you fall? Like four feet, but landed square on her neck. Seriously, so we chose the booth that had the round table. We took the one that like ominous meetings happen in.

Yeah, it sort of felt like we were having a real discussion where I would write down an amount of money on a piece of paper and slide it across. And slide it across. It wasn't a normal table where there were like two chairs on either end. No, it was a corner circle booth where there, but like the corner was weird because it was in the middle

of the restaurant, but it was like- Right next to the line where everyone's ordering. Yeah, so it was the corner because the line is like- Right next to you. Separated. Yeah. So we're like right up against that. There's like four overhead lights that give us like the the lighting from overhead

that you know, when you see like a spooky movie, like a campfire story and people are doing like that flashlight effect on their face. It's that but from above. Yeah. It like an interrogation light. Yes. Yeah. Well, I really I would have if we stayed there for longer, I would have confessed something. I would have admitted to something I would have, if we stayed there for longer, I would have confessed something. I would have admitted to something I didn't do if we had stayed. We were on the cusp.

I know. We almost had Bin Laden. We didn't hold you long enough. I love that you think we can still get him. You never know. Maybe we can get him again. You never know. Maybe we can get them again. America 2.0, baby.

I also want to point out one of those black and white photos was just an extreme close up on the texture of the metal corrugated like, oh yeah, tin shed texture. Yeah, because we didn't see it close enough when we were sitting on it. This photographer was way up his own ass about what is art. Because he also signed all of those paintings. There were signatures.

Paintings, I called them paintings. They weren't paintings. They were photos. They were framed like they were paintings. They were from his iPhone camera roll. Totally. And then we used the square filter to be like artsy. Yeah.

And then took away the color and he signed it. Yeah. So no one else can take credit. Yeah, it's not like anybody else would be able to take that photo of the stool. He's worried about like cup plagiarism. You gotta mark it, baby. Yeah, I think we're really just scraping the bottom

of the barrel of what is art these days. Yeah, scraping the bottle of that guac tin with your finger to you. No, you can't. Yeah, it's just like also on the wall. There was like. Kind of an actual piece of art that looked like not piping, but it was like metal pieces and like wood pieces arranged in a way that almost like like a 3D flat flat but 3D sculpture of different things.

And there were three that I didn't really look at close enough to determine what they were. And then there was one that looked like an Aztec guy, but he had his hand out like this and something in it that was just a rectangle. And it looked like the type of douchebag who takes like speaker phone calls in public, like the way they just hold their fan like,

yeah, I'm at the Chipotle. Like it sort of looked like a Picasso. Yeah. If a Picasso was an industrial sculpture made flat. I don't know why I said flat. Who did you just become? For some reason, it's not just flat. It's like flat.

I'm so uncomfortable with that face. I feel like you just transformed. And I feel like people who do that with their teeth, like their breath smells. Oh, God, maybe. You did that and I just like immediately started breathing out my mouth. It's just like, I don't want to inhale this.

It's just the natural reflex. But yeah, I don't want to inhale this is the natural whatever this face But yeah, I don't like that guy being immortalized like let's not Representation matters, but not for the type of people who take those calls Yeah, that's the worst or like a zoom call in public or it's just like the Bluetooth headphones I guess air pods now. I mean, I don't know. It's not it's not inherently annoying to take a phone call in public. But if I have to listen to right, like the other end of it and then like, yeah, and then how loud you're talking matters and how long you make it last. Yeah. Like you should be trying to cut off a public call or you should be out

somewhere away from people pacing 100 percent. So they know. Yeah. Or like music on a hiking trail. I will kill you. Really? If you're playing the speakers like I don, I'm not really a hiker. So I don't know what the etiquette of hiking is. It's fucked up.

You go hiking to like be in nature and just like disconnect and shit. And then people like a thing I would do to play public music. I mean, I definitely wouldn't do it loudly. It might be on my phone at like mid level volume and if someone was passing, I'd probably turn it down or off. Oh my God, you gotta take those headphones you're wearing to the hiking trail. These only plug,

and the Apple phones got rid of the dongles, so. Wait, they did? You can only use Bluetooth now with Apple phones? You have an iPhone, right? Yeah, and I can dongle it. Oh, I meant like, yeah, they got rid of the headphone jack. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like the new one, it's USB-C and they don't have a USB-C dongle anymore.

So until they make a dongle that works with the new phone. Why do they do that, haters? Okay. Now, actually, speaking of turning down music as I walk by, there was something a little peculiar that happened. We walked in and there was like normal level volume music. And then very quickly after we got in the line, it's like it just turned down. And-

And we were talking about the Chipotle too. We were like making notes and being like, oh, look at that. Or like, oh, these tables and how come that chair is crooked? And we were talking about it. and then all of a sudden, the music just turned down. And it made me wonder a question, Zara. It made me wonder a very specific sequence of words.

It made me wonder, what's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there? Should I worry? Should I care? What is going on over there? Zara, what is going on over there? Why'd they turn down this music?

I don't know, but it immediately made me wonder if they wanted to eavesdrop so that they could give us Yelp reviews, like us as customers. They're gonna be like, this bitch. This is like that Black Mirror episode where everyone has a person rating.

Yeah, like the social credit score. Yeah, restaurants are just trying to get back at people, be like, give us a fricking 2.7 on Yelp. We're giving you a 2.5, you know, whatever, whatever. Honestly, I kinda get it. I don't like the social credit score idea, obviously. It's kinda terrifying. Everybody has a bad day, whatever.

But if you're gonna be a dick to service people, then people should know. I actually don't disagree with that. And it's like, you should get like, first you get demoted from like, dine-in privileges are taken away, you can still get to-go orders. Oh my God.

And maybe with good behavior, you'll be able to dine in again. But then if you're a dick to the takeout people, then it's like, you can only postmate. Yeah, and then if you're a dick to addicted to the takeout people, then it's like you can only postmate. Yeah. And then if you're addicted to them when you're like picking up to go orders that are postmates or whatever, then it's like you really can't get the handoff from that. Don't you just don't get to eat again? You're cut off from food.

You have to go out and like scavenge like forage. Oh, my God. You go hunting for your food. Jesus Christ. Chipotle, getting this, all the, look, there's a lot we can glean just from the music turning down a slight bit. But I think we figured it out. I mean, it's a window into a really dark world.

I mean, because it wasn't even like they turned the music off. So it was like, they were like, oh, we're, they're having music trouble or like playlists ran out or something. It's like when someone removes one ear of their headphone and be like, what's happening? Hold on. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. It's like there's something going on. They're monitoring you. Oh, there is something going on. We have in fact figured it out. That is what's going on over there.

I guess a few more things about this atmosphere. One, and one of the notes that you kind of said as to what we were discussing when they did turn down the music, the chair backs were just like, fuck it. They were just like, it felt like they were just stapled on. Yeah, it didn't look safe. Really, the chairs were normal. The size was normal. The placement was normal.

But the backs of the chairs were crooked. They were just... And every single one was unique and different, but not in an artistic choice way. Yeah, it was bolted like that. It was like, these were meant to be uniform, and they are not. And it's like, some are very crooked, some are not.

I mean, I don't think they're out here supporting people with scoliosis. Like, oh, we have a chair for you. It doesn't feel like an inclusive effort. It feels like a, just a very rough. Like someone wasn't sober effort. All right, everyone, stay after work. We've got some chairs to assemble. Can we at least drink?

Hell yeah, this is Chipotle. Yeah, bolt this chair over some Adelos. Yeah. It seemed like the full array of village people came in here, there were police. I didn't see a fireman, but there was a table of construction workers. Still in hard hats.

Still had their hard hats on. And I've gotta say, just the amount of government presence in here, it felt like it was way too much. I'm giving it I'm giving it out. All right. There's an award that this is way too much word. And I'm giving it to who's leaving on their full work attire during their Chipotle lunch. Construction workers, cops like the AT&T phone store employee. I mean, that I understand because it's just like a polo.

Sure. But everyone was like full uniformed up. It's true. There was also a guy who you might have not seen because your back was to him, but he was dressed in all black and clean shaven, which is rare these days. Yeah. And sunglasses indoors. Was this Agent Smith from The Matrix? It's sort of, he sort of seemed like that. And he was sitting at a table with nothing on the table. And it's like, who does that?

Did he have one of those wire earpieces? He might as well have, but they were the kind of frameless sunglasses, so they weren't even stylish. It was like, it was weird. And then obviously Chipotle, you get your food first and then sit at a table. So it wasn't like he was just finishing up

and he was like waiting for something. And I was like, what the fuck is going on here? And then I see them pull out like two huge boxes of Chipotle catering. And he just picked them up, the the boxes stacked higher than his eyeballs and he was like I got it thanks and he was just like walked out all business. Hey the CAA got to eat too. Dude if I had to choose a meal it would be. Literally all government employees were at this Chipotle. Seriously. Construction workers, police. Yeah I saw a woman reading a book she could be anybody.

Yeah, I saw a woman reading a book. She could be anybody. You also went to the bathroom and had an incident. Oh, that was weird, too. So first of all, there was a code. Yeah, which was a door code. Yeah, there's a door code. And then it made it, which automatically makes me feel like I'm like in an elite club because I know the code. I know the numbers.

Yeah. So I went in, there were two stalls, and I tried both. They were both locked. So I was like, there were two stalls and I tried both. They were both locked. So I was like, all right, I'm just going to wait until someone, someone finally leaves. I go in there and then I looked down on the floor, no other feet are in the bathroom. None. So that stall is locked. Why? Yeah. And then, and then when I left, you had the receipt and the code that was on that receipt is different from the code that I used to you had the receipt and the code that was on that receipt

is different from the code that I used to go into the bathroom. I think it was for the men's restroom. It seems like that was what it was. So the receipt is gender specific. So if I had paid, then I would have gotten the female code. No, I think they just default to the man.

Are you serious? I can't imagine they have a sophisticated machine to where the person ringing you up goes, this is a man, this is a woman. No, I don't imagine they have a sophisticated machine to where the person ringing you up goes, this is a man, this is a woman. No, I don't actually think that, but do you really think that they're just defaulting to man? That or it's an outdated code. Right.

The Chipotle demographics though, what do you think they are? Is it mostly male? Probably, right? Yeah. Burritos feel like a hefty... Boy food, burrito boy? You're a big burrito boy?

Big burrito booth boy. It does feel a little man-ish. Big bad burrito baby booth boy. There's something very masculine about holding your food and being like... I tear into it. Yeah, like direct to face food. I think I just realized,

I think tortilla is meant to simulate skin skin like it's very primal like Biting in and I'm eating the innards from this thing. I also really appreciate the lack of utensil I love no utensil food. Yeah, but napkins are a different story. I went through like nine I was just like my face every single bite felt Loaded with guac. Yeah. Lucky bastard. Just guac-ocky. You go. That's great.

Bu guac-y? Ooh. I like the first one better. I don't know if I do. I don't like either. I don't like what is happening. No, I actually really appreciate Chipotle's napkins. I have a huge inventory in the center console of my car appreciate Chipotle's napkins. I have like a huge inventory in the center console,

my car. Do believe that. Come for the napkins, stay for the burritos as far as I see it. Anyways, all this to say, I have no respect for the atmosphere of Chipotle. From the drip to the weak art to like the style of it, I don't love it.

I'm going two thumbs down on the atmosphere of a Chipotle. Okay, fine, fine. You get your say. I mean, I'll go one down, one up, one down. Can you do that? You can just go thumb in the middle. Oh, thumb in the middle. Yeah.

All right, that's what I'm doing. No thumbs. Because I don't, I look at Chipotle is its own standalone beautiful entity. Yeah, I'm not comparing it to anything to be able to like say, oh, it's better than this or worse than this. And yes, the atmosphere is not very exciting, but they make up for it in the glory of the burritos. Right. So and we'll get to those and they'll get their own day in the sun, they'll get their own rating. But the atmosphere, yeah, for me,

two thumbs down, zero thumbs. Service. There was discussion of adopting our burrito preparer. Yeah, so I think it's fair to say that they killed it. I, look, I have an ax to grind when it comes to, uh, fast casual restaurants. I just believe that like you can't get two thumbs up if you're not coming to the table and building a rapport back and forth and you're seeing them a bunch. Like you get one visit at the front,

they prepare your thing handed to you and you're out of their life forever unless you decide to go back up. But that said, you can still have a very pleasant time within that. This guy was very nice, and based on scouring all the Yelp reviews in advance, I was expecting the worst because there were so many reviews about lack of urgency from the employees,

about just abject rudeness and skimping. And this guy was not skimping on portions. No, he was really honest with his work. This is my question to you. Chipotle employees are service, technically service people, right? Because you're like ordering from them and stuff, but they are also the makers of the food. So like, does the way they prepare the food

like go into the service rating? Oh, interesting. Yeah, to a degree. Okay. The food rating to me is the taste of it. So the preparation, yeah, I guess that goes to service. Okay. Yeah. Well, he did great on my burrito.

He was fucking shit with your burrito. I don't know. I want, I- Sloppy shop. Yeah, I don't know. I want, I- Sloppy shop. Yeah, I don't know what happened, but he wrapped my tight. He got the yips. He, what is that?

It's like a sports affiliated thing where like you're on a hot streak and then all of a sudden you like choke and it's kind of like a mental thing and you can't perform under pressure, but like you're throwing in baseball. Like if you're a pitcher starts getting bad, they call it the yips.

Oh, like LeBron every time he breaks a record. Yips and salsa. Sounds really beautiful. I hope you see my pit stains when I lift my. Look, last episode, we were talking about the various ways that Chipotle is trying to exit you and your body is like, no, but I want it. Yeah, I've never had Chipotle diarrhea, but it is coming out of my armpits.

So maybe that's just my body chemistry or whatever. So he really killed it on mine, got cocky, I guess, and thought that he had yours under control. And he literally, what was the quote he told you? Like guacamole is going to like burst out. He said, there is a chance that the guac will burst out of this. Yeah.

He was like warning me, like, this is a ticking time bomb. Yeah, he's like, this is an avocado missile that's like headed right to your face. And I'm like, sir, this is a Chipotle. Everything here is a ticking time bomb. And I am aware of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were like, oh, it'll be fine.

And then, sure enough, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were like, oh, it'll be fine. And then sure enough that... I went through so many napkins. Nothing like exploded onto me, which was preferable. Yeah. Yeah. But I definitely had a lot of like beard residue that like... Yeah. I think I asked you a couple times like, am I okay? Yeah, does it look like the Hulk came all over my face? Do you think the Hulk's jizz is green? I mean, isn't it?

I don't know. I don't think that your skin color correlates to your jizz tone. What color do you think his color is? Someone's got to ask. I think it's like raspberry preserves. Oh, OK. So it looks like a Christmas tree. Oh, okay. Sorry, it looks like a Christmas tree. Yeah, just all holiday.

He was sweet because he, I would be like, oh, can I do like half Pinto, half black? And he's like, of course. When people say of course, instead of nothing or yes. Yeah, or just, mm-hmm. Yeah. Chick-fil-A's got it on lock with the my pleasure shit. I've never been to- Have you never been to shit? No. Every single interaction got it on lock with the my pleasure shit I've never been never been to shit now every single interaction like thank you my pleasure

it does feel nice to like interact with a person who like My like I I was delighted in serving you we know it's not true I don't like that but that veneer like no totally yeah, I wonder, is that a reflection of the church? Part of Chick-fil-A? Is that a reflection of their religious mission? Maybe. Yeah. I don't actually know the...

I haven't done a Chick-fil-A episode, so I haven't really done my deep dive into the culture of Chick-fil-A. Got it. I hear great things. They make a good waffle fry. I love waffle fries. Yeah. I just said I would adopt this guy. And then you were like, why aren't you including me in that as though I'm going to burden you with an 18 year commitment?

I mean, he was already at least 28. I don't know. Kids these days are moving out at 46. Yeah, if he's Gen Z, then I think he still needs a little more support. He's very kind. For a place that I read would skimp on the meat. And I asked him, I was like, can I get some extra carnitas? He had no problem. Well, he hesitated, but he didn't say anything.

And then he reached in and he did it. And then he was like, anything else? And I wanted like lettuce. And I was like, do you have enough room to close that? Because it was like a mountain of stuff at this point. I was like, do you have enough room to close it? He's like, yeah. Not confident. It was not confident. And then when you get the warning of this might explode onto you. Yeah. Nice kid. Better than exploding out of you. TBD. Yeah, we'll see. TBD. We'll see.

Third time. Yeah. But I liked him well enough. I thought he did his job well. He was kind. It just, I think fast casual has a cap, so I'm going one thumb up on service. I'm going two thumbs up. You know what?

Yeah. You know what? I'm giving him two thumbs up, our boy. All right. He is our boy because we adopted him. That's why I have love for him. Guy whose name I don't know. We want to see him succeed. Yeah. I mean, I probably shouldn't give two thumbs up because your burrito was so poorly executed. Yeah. You know? It's like in my heart.

You know. Yeah. It's like when you tell your kid that there are 10. Yeah, and you know that like there's room for improvement. Yeah. Yeah. You're a good parent. Thanks.

Okay, it is time for the drawing for the winner of the contest for an all-expenses paid trip to your local Applebee's that I announced on the show two weeks ago. I've got a prize wheel with 37 names on it for all the people that applied. Thank you. Let's give it a spin. And our winner, Jeffrey Aronson, who says that Blimpies is a more mediocre restaurant than Applebee's. Congrats Jeffrey.

I'll also announce this in the fine dining newsletter, but go ahead and email me, finediningpodcastatgmail.com and claim your prize. And everyone else, thanks so much for playing. Food. Yum. Yummy. They don't have a big menu. So this is actually going to go pretty quickly in terms of like the number of things that

we got and tried and tasted. Yeah. But I do want to start with drinks. You got an iced tea that wasn't made by Chipotle. Bottled, but I appreciate whoever's choice it was to carry that. To stock it. I got the Agua Fresca, the Mandarin flavored Agua Fresca from Chipotle. And so it seemed like it was their drink.

It didn't have a different branding on the container. It was like a little fountain of like the four little machines that- It's always in a thing. Yeah. What is Agua Fresca? Because- Fresh water. I know what the fuck it means, but what is it?

Like it's not fresh water. What is it? Imagine it's just like it's not fresh water. What is it? Imagine it's just like literally from a freshwater pond. Yeah. There's fish in it. I would understand it then. I feel like everyone has a different definition of what Agua Fresca is.

It's like when someone says luxury apartment and you're like, okay, does that mean that they're marble floors or is there just a lobby? This tasted like I was drinking an orange Fanta with the carbonation removed. That sounds disgusting. It felt like the flattest Fanta you could have. I didn't love it.

It didn't taste bad, but it felt like something was missing. It tasted incomplete. It just sounds like bad juice. It tasted weak. So two and a half out of 10 for the Mandarin Agua Fresca. Okay, fair. And then the food. They don't have dessert.

There's nothing we can talk about there. I got chips, salsa, and guac. They asked what kind of salsa I wanted and I got the red. And dude, those chips were awesome. Yeah. The chips were actually way better than I thought they would be. Yeah, and you said you're not a chips person.

I'm not a chips guy, but- Which doesn't register to me. I don't understand. I've not met a person who chips person. I'm not a chips guy. But. Doesn't register to me. I don't understand. I've not met a person who's like, I don't I'm not into chips. Oh, I mean, it's not I'm not anti-chip or anything. I just it's they're more exciting things to me. If it's with guacamole, I'll do it. But I'm not just like chips and salsa.

There's they're too crunchy. It's just too much work on my job. I'm too lazy for that shit. Seriously. And the dipping and the carrying. You have really made lazy your brand to the point that like, I'm not gonna do chips because you gotta chew them. I mean, carrots. Are you a snake? Do you just eat stuff whole?

I really like eating burritos because they're easy to eat. You did unhinge your jaw a little bit to... You just took the burrito and went off. Yeah, like a python. Yeah, I mean, I really love burritos because it's like, burritos are like biting into a huge pillow. They're like soft and squishy and like chewy, right?

It's not, it's not like a- You pulled a note out of yours. Yeah, that was weird. It was like a folded up hundred, but made out of tortilla. Yeah, that was weird. There was one piece of like tortilla that was way too hard. Which I thought was very funny because usually when you pull out a thing that you're like, this is unpleasant, you don't then finish your bite and then eat the thing that you just pulled out, but you did that.

I wanted to see what it was. And then I was like, oh, this is just like the runt of the tortilla. But it's still edible. I mean, yeah, I went just like the runt of the tortilla. But it's still edible. I mean, yeah, I went for it. I'm going to commit at that point. Yeah. But I just love, I love the chew that burritos have. The consistency is perfect. Whereas like soup is just eating like a big bowl of tears, for example. Chunky tears.

Chunky tears. It's like, who's like, it's just like, it just falls. It's so sad. It's like a puddle, you know, burritos. If you fell into like, it was like a soup that was outside from the radiator dripping. Yeah. Basically. Yeah. That's how they make their gazpacho. Oh, gross. Pretty much. If they, if I fell into like a whole pile of burritos, I would be safe. If I fell into a whole pile of soup, I think I would die. You know when you see stunt men jump off a fell into like a whole pile of burritos, I would be safe. If I fell into a whole pile of soup, I think I would die. You see stuntmen jump off a building into like boxes of like foam and shit. I feel like you would do that if it was just like, oh, it's a pit of burritos. I would love to dive into it.

You would get concussed and probably die. I don't think it would be a soft landing. Really? Yeah, there's no give. They're dense. Not mine. Hitting water from a high enough height, like, is like concrete. I'm just saying burritos, depends how densely packed they are, but if it's like a ball pit of burritos... Really, you think? I think you would... It depends on the height.

I think from five feet, you'll be okay. I think from like 20 feet, like you're... Maybe. Breaking something. But I can nap in them, right 20 feet, like you're. Maybe breaking something. I can nap in them, right? Like if you were just to like sleep, but you could just like sleep in them, right? Like, like, like take the impact out of it. If it was just like a mattress, stinky. Yeah.

But I think I already am. So I'm afraid to show your viewers. I am so. I'm afraid to show your viewers. So the chips, I really liked the guac. Look, they know how to do guac. I will hand us Chipotle. They do really good guac. I went eight out of 10 on the guac.

What does it take for you? Jesus Christ, nothing's a 10? There are 10s. What's a 10 in guacamole? The Bloomin' Onion from Outback. Oh, I don't know. But the Bloomin' Onion from Outback is a definitive cake for you. Jesus Christ. Nothing's a 10? There are 10s. What's a 10 in guacamole? The Bloomin' Onion from Outback. Oh, I don't know. But the Bloomin' Onion from Outback is a definitive 10 for me.

The Harami Skirt Steak from Gukaku, the Australian Rib Eye that I had at Mastro's, the Butter Cake at Mastro's is a 10 out of 10. Would you rather have the Butter Cake or a cup of guac? Cup of guac. Really? Oh yeah. I love butter cake, but like guac? Cup of guac. Really? Oh yeah.

I love butter cake, but like, guac is just my love language. I can't ever pass up guac. I also really appreciated the chips. They were the right flake to crunch ratio. They were firm, but they broke apart right when you needed them to, but they held firm during the dip.

That's huge for me. Yeah. I really, whoever executed those chips were really like, they knew what they were doing. Yeah. I'm greatly appreciative. So the chips, I gave a seven out of 10 too. The guac, eight out of 10.

The salsa roja, I thought was just fine. I went five and a half out of 10. The salsa roja I thought was just fine. I went five and a half out of 10. Pretty middling. I usually prefer salsa verde, but I got salsa verde in my burrito, so I wanted to just vary the flavors. So the roja was fine. But talking about my entree,

I got a carnitas burrito with the cilantro lime rice, pinto beans, lettuce, like some of the fajita veggies they have, like the pepper and onion. I'm trying to think of it again. And then an explodey amount, an IUD of guac. Did I say IUD? I meant IED.

The military explosive device, not a birth control. Yeah, not one that can't get pregnant. You want to make sure that... Oh, my burrito was very pregnant with guac. There was no control on this birth. Yeah. Yeah. The amount of guac made this a very like squishy burrito is very wet,

like structural integrity didn't hold great because of that. But the tortilla, very warm, very nice, very tasty. The carnitas, I thought they did well. This is the first time I've enjoyed meat at a Chipotle. Really? I've gotten their steak before and I really didn't like the seasoning. I've gotten their chicken before

and I thought it was very dry. I've never enjoyed Chipotle's offerings, but I had a feeling getting carnitas would work in their favor for me because I just, I love good pulled pork. And yeah, it was a hit for me. So I went seven out of 10 on this burrito. Wow.

I remember when you were done, you were like, I'm actually disappointed that it's not worse. I gotta fill out the low end of the chachki, Zara. Oh my God, there's so many bad places you could eat. There are. And I thought Chipotle was one of them. I would never mislead you like that.

If I wanted Chipotle to fall in the low end, asking you is insane because of course you're gonna rate it highly. So if I'm looking for like, oh, I need more stuff in the low end, you know, yeah. So tell me about your burrito. I had a perfectly CPR tortilla with brown rice and half pinto, half black beans. I want sofritas, which are actually way better than it sounds.

Everyone gives tofu shit. I am here to say that tofu is actually way better when it's prepared properly. There is boring tofu, but there's fucking great tofu and it's seasoned well. It has a good spread. So it's not like chunks of tofu. It like kind of it can evenly distribute. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. And then and then it's after that, it's just I think guac and lettuce

and some salsa. I get the hot. OK, yeah. Yeah. And if you had to score your burrito out of 10. Ten. Why are you? There's no better. It's just excellent. Oh, oh, oh, wait. I also get sorry. I also got the the pico de gallo. So good. Yeah. For me, dude, it's hard for me.

There are amazing breakfast burritos that I love as much as Chipotle. That's not something that they offer. Right. But I just I am such. You're a fan. I can't not. But you want me to rate. I will rate the burrito a 10.

Yeah, that's. But like. Whatever your truth is. But like the overall rating is what you. We'll get to that. Yeah. Oh, that's not this. Yeah.

OK. This is just what you think of the burrito. 10, yeah. Oh, that's not this. Yeah. Okay. This is just what you think of the burrito. 10, man. You got it at a 10. When the fold is right, can I, sorry. Yeah. This is just really important to me.

When the fold is right, which means tight, tight, tight. Look at the camera. This is important to you. Public. This is how you fold a burrito. You go tight with as little liquid as possible. When there's liquid in the burrito, it sacrifices the structural integrity.

It makes it mushy, it makes it weak. You need the best Chipotle employees are the ones who drain all the liquid from anything that's liquidy. The salsa, the pico de gallo, the sofritas tend to be kind of liquidy beware of the employees who scoop from the bottom of the barrel you want skim the top you just want the top because the liquid's already gone and when they fold it it needs to be tight and make sure

that it's not folded where each ingredient is side by side. You don't want just like one bite of all guac or all rice. The best Chipotle employees know that they have to fold it so that it's stacked like a mattress. You want it like so that one bite gets you every ingredient. Do you know what I mean? Do you have guac in your mattress? If I did, I'd be so psyched. Feel like a waterbed, but it spoils.

That would be my home forever. But it needs to be stacked on top, not side by side. The saddest ones are when they're side by side. And that'll immediately drop my rating. So it's like when it's great. But they did it well for your burrito here today. Today, it was great. It was a 10. All right.

Overall on the food for Chipotle, how are your thumbs looking? I'm going one thumb up. Honestly, I came in with low expectations having never had a good meat experience with Chipotle. Yeah. I expected one to two thumbs down. Wow. And my lowest rating was the Roja salsa. Oh, no. My lowest rating was that Agua Fresca at two and a half. Fair. But that was kind of like an impulse. I'm not, it's not weighted too heavily.

You also don't go to Chipotle for the Agua Fresca. Right, they're a burrito place. They're a chips and guac place. I knew I wanted to load up on guac because I know that's their reputation is how good their guac is. And they delivered and I got a burrito that I liked more than I thought.

I liked the carnitas. So I'm gonna go one thumb up on Chipotle's food. Oh man, I have to go two thumbs up on Chipotle's food. I know you do. I know you do. I'm so loyal. I just. You're so loyal you won't join their loyalty program

because you want no discounts. Yeah. A crazy take. A crazy take. If it was like really expensive, then I would be like, OK, I want to be able to continue supporting them. But it's like it's affordable. I I can I can still pay rent.

I can still pay rent and eat Chipotle. So until that day comes where I can't. I'm not even sponsored and I really should be. No, no corners cut here. No. And when I think about it, I literally get emotional. No. All right, this is insane. We're going to put this all together and we'll be back with a final rating

after I have a graphic that says final rating. Final rating. Final rating. Okay, Zara, it's time to put factor in everything, not just the food, the service, the atmosphere, the good with the bad, all of it. If you're putting Chipotle against every restaurant you've ever been to, the worst of all time is a zero, the best of all time is a 10,

and you had to give it a number. Talk me through, what are you feeling? Well, it's gonna be above five, obviously. So you think it's above mediocre. Yeah, definitely above mediocre. But the atmosphere isn't anything to write home about. It's also so- Can you imagine? Dear mother.

I sat in the industrial booth. That made me feel like I was- I hope this letter finds you well. Because the atmosphere is nothing to write home about. And so it's like a moving target with Chipotle because so much is up to chance, you know? It really is. Yeah.

So. If any restaurant has ever earned the title crap shoot, for more than one reason, Chipotle. Yeah, seriously. Cause it's not about the taste. Like the taste is always consistent, but the product that you get at the end. The texture, the consistency.

Yeah, the fold, you know, all that. I mean, because it makes it unreliable, I probably have to say, it hurts me to not give them a 10, honestly. But I mean, because your Agua Fresca was subpar. And my fold. And your fold was honestly abhorrent. Ugh, 7.41. We had very different takes on this place.

I went two thumbs down on atmosphere, one up on service, one up on food. So that kind of, they cancel each other out. It's in that middle zone. To me, mediocre is four to six. I'd rather go to Applebee's, and Applebee's is currently sitting on the tchotchke of mediocrity at a 5.02.

It's the most mediocre place. My contribution to that rating was a 5.00. I thought it was incredibly mediocre. Chipotle wasn't there for me. I feel like, based on today's meal, I don't feel any more urged to go to Chipotle than I had before. I know their meat's good now.

Yeah, I may have a little bit more respect for them, but it's like. I don't know. It's like the show Yellowstone. Everyone says it's good, but I'm OK. Like, I'm good. OK, that I can actually understand. I don't need it. I'm just sorry that you're missing out, but I got it. Yeah.

I got it when you compare it to Yellowstone. So many seasons of Chipotle I would need to catch up on. Yeah, that I got. Yeah. So my rating, it is below average. I'm going 4.37. Are you out of your mind? I am so sane.

I am- Did you hear my jaw crack? I did. Again, you sound like a snake. Your jaw just unhinged again. My jaw just dropped so hard that it cracked. But here's the thing. That means we can put our scores together and find a happy medium.

Let's see. Chipotle goes up on the tchotchke of mediocrity at a 5.89. That's still not high enough. I honestly should have given a 10. I don't know why I was trying to be fair about this. And my favorite thing about that is it is a perfect tie with a restaurant, Twin Peaks. Do you know Twin Peaks? Yeah.

It's like the restaurant that was founded because the guy was offended that kids ate at Hooters. The guy was like, I wanna make a filthier Hooters. Really? Yeah. I didn't know this. If you go, it's underwhelming. I saw kids there when I went. Okay.

So like, yeah, it's fine. But it's kind of like an Elk Ski Lodge kind of vibe. That sounds so creepy. They've had lingerie nights and they've been cited for public indecency for having just their bare butts out and they're serving food. You can't have a bare butt around food

outside of like your own personal life. Right. Oh my God, that's actually wild. I would never like boobs and elk are not two like things. Yeah, it's like a Northern Ski Lodge. That's like conflicting worlds. Yeah. If you're in a ski lodge, you're generally not topless. You're bundling up to be warm. That's really weird.

Anyways, that's what Chipotle tied with. Oh my god, you are really... You need your head examined, my friend. But we can decisively say, without a doubt, Chipotle is... Better than mediocre! Way better. ["Better Than mediocre"] Better than mediocre. It's better than I will be. ["Better Than mediocre"]

Yeah. Way better, but fine. Yeah. Whatever. Look, at the end of the day, this is kind of what I expected. It did better than I thought it would, and my mind has changed a little bit on Chipotle.

I have a little bit more respect for it, but that said, it's not the perfect 5.00. It's not the most mediocre restaurant that's out there. So that means I have to keep looking. And Zara, to determine where I go next time, I'm gonna go to the You Must Bowl. The You Must Bowl will tell me where I must go next time. Okay.

Are we ready to find out? Yeah. Great. Oh, I thought I was choosing it for you. Sorry. I was like, that was the pressure. No. No, sorry.

Go do your popcorn bowl dance. All right. And next week, I will be going to P.F. Chang's. Oh, I've heard of that. That does it for this week's episode of the fine dining podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. We didn't find perfect mediocrity. Zara, thank you so much for joining me.

It was such fun having you here. It's been like 60 years since we saw each other. It's been actually 60 years. Yeah, so I'm happy that we got together and broke bread over a tortilla wrapped with. We tried to break chips, but they wouldn't. They were so structurally sound. So fucking good.

My rating should have been higher, honestly. You're gonna just be lying awake later, like this is supposed to be my second nap time. I really feel like I betrayed my own trust. Yeah. Well, tell people where they can find you. You can find me at Zara Mizrahi on Instagram, wherever he is putting the graphic.

Yeah, you can also find her at Most Chipotle's. Any time of the day. Yeah. I think that's it. most Chipotle's. Yeah, any time of the day. I think that's it. Everything is on there. So that should do it. And you can follow me at Fine Dining Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. Send me an email of anything that you think.

Doesn't even have to be about the show. It could be anything. What are you thinking about? Let me know. Fine Dining Podcast at gmail.com. We're on YouTube now, so if you haven't subscribed, hit the bell, give it a like, give it a comment. It helps with the algorithm.

Don't know why I'm saying it at the end of the episode. I really need people, everyone who hears it at the beginning of the episode to do that, but whatever, here's where we are. We didn't find the most mediocre restaurant in America. The search does in fact continue. We'll see you next week. Have a fine day. Our journey did not conclude The mother-eating surge continues

Riders and I-2's review And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars, huh? Come on! Follow us on TikTok the same on Instagram all the socials at fine dining podcasts we have a website fine dining podcast dot-com buy our t-shirts then put them on And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next OK! We're going to find it Mediocrity

The search continues See you next week!