Fine Dining - Firehouse Subs: Premature Halloween and Sticky Bottles

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

🚒 Firehouse Subs: Premature Halloween & Sticky Bottles 🎃 This week, Jon Glover (from On Brand with Jon & Marisa) joins me again as we finally taste Firehouse Subs for ourselves. From cops hooking up in the bathroom* to pickle buckets better left unopened, this visit had more than its share of noteworthy moments. The subs didn’t impress us, but the theming did...and somehow Jon confesses to living like a hoarder. 🥪 Jon Gets Defensive Over His Many Sandwich Mods 🎃 A 12-Foot Skeleton Box Blocks the Bathroom 🥒 Taking a Sniff of the Pickle Bucket (Instant Regret) 🍪 The Cookie Becomes the Star of the Meal 🥤 Jon Declares His Love for the Freestyle Soda Machine 🔥 Firehouse Theming Feels Like a Hollywood Backlot 🧂 A Hot Sauce Bar Full of Sticky Bottles 💬 COMMENT BELOW: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen in a restaurant bathroom? 📢 SUPPORT THE SHOW & JOIN THE COMMUNITY: 🎉 Patreon (Bonus episodes, full Yelp segments & more): https://www.patreon.com/finediningpodcast 💬 Discord (Food talk, memes, cursed Yelp): https://discord.gg/6a2YqrtWV4 🎥 Watch full episodes: https://www.youtube.com/@finediningpodcast 🔗 All links: https://www.linktree.com/finediningpodcast 🎤 Jon’s podcast: On Brand with Jon & Marisa (@onbrandthepod) Patreon Producers: Sue Ornelas & Joyce Van 👉 NEXT WEEK: Septemburger 2025 kicks off! The annual burger tournament returns, and the first matchup is in full swing. *This is speculation.

Firehouse subs. We got the oatmeal raisin cookies as fresh as they can be, but there was a big Halloween skeleton blocking the bathroom. They have the freestyle soda machine where I can have grape diet Coke, and they also have steam meat sandwiches that have no flavor and made me sad. The firehouse decor gave them on-point them theming, but their hot sauce bar could use a good wipe-down. In the competitive landscape of fast, casual sandwich establishments, Can Firehouse subs extinguish any doubt that they're alarmingly good, or are they hosed?

I'm burning with desire to find out, so let's slide down this poll together, Dalmatian. This is the Fine Dining Podcast. Your table is ready. Take your seat. The flavor of the day is mediocrity. Wouldn't you like to try a bite? Guarantee it'll be the perfect fine dining Better than you thought, worse than you hoped

Fine dining We don't treat mediocre as a joke Breaking every single place we've been Compare it to the perfect five out of ten Hello and welcome back to fine dining The Quest to Compare All Restaurants to Chili's I am your host Michael Ornellis, and this is the show where I'm using The Chili's Test to see if other restaurants are good or not good by comparison. Why Chili's? Because it's right in the middle, baby.

They're the only restaurant to score exactly 5.00 out of 10 on this illustrious journey known as Fine Dining, so they are the threshold between good and not good. And by the end of this episode, we will be able to answer the question that everyone was wondering after J.R. was shot on Dallas. Is Firehouse Subs better than Chili? You tell me in the comments what you think We're going to break down our lunch there today Into what was good about it, what was not good And what was just there before giving Firehouse subs A score at the end of the episode

Joining me today to discuss Firehouse Subs Is an Emmy Award winner whose podcast On Brand with John and Marissa Is a hilarious look into all our favorite brands He's in the Fine Dining Two Timers Club And he's the human being equivalent To finding a $20 bill in a pair of shorts You haven't worn in a while

It's John Glover Thank you. Thank you. All of those things are true. Thanks for saying what I told you to say. Yeah, you're welcome. I want people to think of me as found money. It was a tight script. We're like, if you could rehearse this, I'd appreciate it. You know what I'd almost rather be than finding a $20 bill in your pocket? Being a pressed penny you found in your pocket. Because it's not only going to remind you of like, wow, he is a little treasure. But like, do you remember that time we went to Disneyland? It like brings back so many memories. Oh, a pressed penny. I was like, what's press? So that's the souvenir ones where... How do you not know what a press pen? I don't know it as that term. I know the concept of it, but I just, I didn't know they were called pressed pennies.

I collect pressed pennies. I keep them in a book. And it's like little souvenir. It is the easiest and cheapest souvenir you can get. They were always right next to like the wax dinosaur things that you could get made, but like the same kind of cranking device. Yeah, unless you go to Disneyland, who's taken away the crank. Yeah. Because they do everything.

They make everything. bad. We should be able to crank at Disneyland. I definitely would like to crank at Disneyland. Now you just put in a dollar and hit a button and you don't even put a penny in anymore. They just provide the penny. They've made it soulless. What was so fun about it is you had to like crank

it to get it to the picture you wanted. Put in 50 cents. Put in your cleanest, shiniest penny. Then crank it all the way around and you hear the tink, ting, ting, pink, and then you get the thing. Yeah. No, it was always delightful. I had a few when I was a child and then, yeah, they kind of just started disappearing. And that's a bummer. They're hard to

but there is a website that tells you where they all are, even though a lot of them aren't actually there and a lot are broken. But you are like one of those in my pockets. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me. It's an honor to be in the two-timer club. I mean, I guess technically it's the four-timers club

because you've done two-part episodes. That's true. It's kind of like grinder. It's like you do it once and you're like, maybe we'll hang out again. But then like you don't hear from them right away. And then like a year and a half later, they get horny enough for you.

they're like, let's hit them up and yeah, I'm free and here we are. You could literally not have described my mindset more accurately. I was horny to have you back on the show. It was like, we got to talk about Big Buff Firemen. People always think they don't want me back, but everyone eventually gets horny enough for a little... They come crawling back. For a little G-love. Awesome.

Well, we're just going to get into it. We're going to talk about all the things that were good about our meal at Firehouse Subs. Done like it should be The stuff that spank and licking Or stick in the land And this is good I knew that you could This is good

I think you and I are different In every way Everything that we have said today We are different in every way Humanly possible I love extra ice You hate ice all together I like cold subs

You like hot subs There was several other ways I wish I could remember them all But I'm trying to remember There were just different in every way. Yeah. I like dongs.

You like tacos. I like how we're going like obscene thing and then food equivalent. Well, I kept it food related for you. I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs. I heard dongs. I did say dong, but I cleaned it up just now. Hot dongs.

Hot dongs. Yeah, the good is the longest segment for me. Okay, good. That's great. That means you're positive. But that said, there was only one food. vitamin. To be fair, all right, this is the lightest I've eaten on a podcast meal. Okay. I only had three things, the entire meal. I will say, I had a drink, a cookie, and a sandwich.

You did, you had a soda and oatmeal cookie and I don't, a meatball sub. Yeah. And I had the Italian sub, the cookie and a soda. Um, last time you had me on, I had the Costco chicken bake. So I'm now done this twice and you've spent maybe $17 on my food. Yeah. Now, actually, today was more expensive because of inflation though yeah but it counts i still paid it i guess that's true yeah all right um we're 37 dollars into no we're okay whatever how many dollars of food have you gotten me uh you i don't this none yeah i'll get you a gift card thank you you're welcome for 37 dollars specifically i just like free stuff next time i want like a proper i want a place where we have to order like sit down i want a waiter all right uh mortons sure sure yeah

That's a joke. No, that sounds great. Thank you. That's canon. Go on. All right. I won't do that anymore. Yeah, thank you.

If you want Mortons, we're not doing the go on. Wave me away. I could tell that was really scratching your soul. Yeah. Yeah. So as far as the good goes, I think because I have more, I want to ask you, what was good about this experience to you? Name one thing that categorizes that way. Best thing?

Parking. I got a spot right out front. Great, this is so happenstance. That's L.A., baby. You don't always get great parking. Great parking. I thought the restaurant was clean. I thought the employees were very friendly and nice.

Yeah, let's talk about the employees for a little bit. It was like three boys, and you could tell they seemed to like where they worked. And they, you know, immediate was like, if you have any questions, are you sandwich virgins? I don't know if that's what they called us, but that's what I heard. You guys are just a couple of. Sammy virgins and we're like, yeah, we don't know what's going on, Daddy. And then they, like, helped us out and walked us through the process. And then...

Can I admit something? Yeah. I tipped him off. I went in before you had got there and I was like, I'm going to take some video footage to put into the YouTube episode. Oh. And to not look like a crazy person, I said, hey, don't mind me. I'm just capturing some video.

I'm doing a podcast on you guys. So I think by the time you had walked in, they were like, best behavior. best foot forward. So you're the data. You put them into shape. Yeah. You're like, you'd be on your best behavior,

boy. Yeah, that's what I said. Fair enough. I was like, we're trying to impress someone here today. I wish people did that right before anywhere I went

because it was nice. They were, they were, it's always nice to encounter people that seem to be happy with where they're at and want to help you. I feel like it's a rare

and rare occurrence these days. I will say when I walked in before I tip them off, they were already like, hey, welcome to Firehouse Subs. If you need anything, let us know, and then I kind of tip them off. So it was like the same, the energy didn't change.

Okay. But if it was going to, I think I eliminated the possibility of it going south because they were, uh, they knew they were going to be talked about. Got it. Yeah. Well, they were nice. And there was nobody there. I mean, to be fair, we had to eat pretty early for scheduling reasons.

So it was like 10.50 when we were in there to get, which isn't necessarily too early for lunch. McDonald's switches to lunch at 10.30, so it's not unheard of. For me, it feels a little crazy to get like a big Italian sub at 1045 in the morning. Yeah. But that probably explains why there weren't that many people there. It is in an area where I could see them being very busy at lunch. Yeah. And a lot of the Yelp reviews that I kind of sifted through mentioned how slow the services. It sounds like they get a lot of to-go orders that kind of clog up the people who are going in in person. Yeah, I do think that that is a problem with today's restaurant businesses. Everyone is now able to order on the mobile apps and get stuff to go. But I don't think that they're hiring people to take care of just to go stuff.

It's the same people that have to deal with the in-house stuff to make the to-go stuff. It's eating from somewhere else. Yeah. Someone always gets left behind. Yeah. But they were very kind. They were very accommodating to kind of every little adjustment. You had a few.

It's funny, you were like, oh, you have your no cheese neuroses, your neuro cheese. That's a good one. Great joke. You can have that. No, I don't want it. You should have, do you still do that? Because last time I was here, it was like a big thing for you. We can't say the word cheese, right?

Oh, it got bleeped. Right. I'm a bastion of free speech now. Oh. You can say cheese. Mm-hmm. I'm growing as a human. I still won't consume it.

Okay. Yeah. Well, to be fair, if your first time to eat cheese was going to to be anywhere, don't let it be there. The cheese was very bland and it was not high quality cheese. But then you went on to be like, no onions, no tomatoes, mayo on the side, no lettuce. I'm not receiving this. I went in, sir, they are a hot sub place.

That is what they're for. They're like Quiznos, hot sub place. I don't love usually a hot sub. Quiznos, unless I'm remembering incorrectly, would like put all. all the things on the sandwich and then run it through their little heater. So it was like, you got hot lettuce, you got hot everything. So I was concerned. So I just said, hey, you're a hot subplace.

What's on the sandwich before it gets hot, heated? And he said just the meat and cheese and whatever, normal things. So it seemed fine. The other thing you have to know about me going into this, I have a very small appetite. I know it may not look like it, but I just do. I get very full, very fast. And so I usually take most of my food home. So there's certain things I just won't get on.

a sandwich because they won't hold up for hours. Manay's being one of them. So I already don't, this is so long. It's so boring. But I don't ever get tomatoes on a sandwich. I rarely get onions. If it's going to linger, I don't get lettuce because it wilts. And I won't get mayonnaise or ketchup. Ketchup wouldn't be on this. But you do see how the approach to that is as neurotic as me just not liking cheese, right? No. Okay. Now liking cheese is psychotic. I am psychotic. I'm not even gonna push back on that um wait are we still talking about things i liked it was clean yeah it had a i actually not only was it clean i thought like the decor choices like colors popped really well like i thought this was like an aesthetically very nice place to be like when i mentioned that it

kind of reminded me of a studio back lot it kind of brought me a little sense of like nostalgia in that way right it felt like like a little fireman museum there was like a little A lot of axes on the wall. There was axes on the wall. There was like fire extinguishers on the wall, three coats hanging up. I randomly, there was two policemen that came to eat, who I never saw them come in, but they came out of the bathroom after we had been there for 20 minutes unless I just missed them going into the bathroom. Yeah.

I assume they had just hooked up. They both had IBS. Maybe then. See, you see them as having IBS. I assume they hooked up. They did something in that bathroom for longer than expected. And then they left to the bathroom. And what did they do?

They found your credit card. on the ground and returned it. Yeah. If that had been a normal, you never would have seen that card again. I don't agree. I don't agree. You don't think? No.

I think a lot of people would have stolen that card. Yeah. The manager or whoever it was, the guy in charge brought it over and was like, thanks to the spending spree. He probably did buy himself a sandwich. You should check your statement. I mean, what I'm expecting to see on there is Firehouse. So it would check out.

It's the perfect crime. It's the perfect crime. Yeah. And then there's like a big mural. You had mentioned that they had the pickle bucket in the mural. And I'm like, ooh, that's like brandception. Like they're. Yeah, they had your pickle bucket. So you can buy these used pickle buckets for $3. They had it in the mural. But they could barely see that the branding on it. But you knew what it was. And I will say, I like the mural. It had it said that it was North Hollywood or I think it said noho, which is the slang for North Hollywood. I do like a place that. celebrates the neighborhood you're in. This past weekend, I went to Home Goods and T.J. Max and La Cagnada. And they both said, like, on the sign in the store, like, welcome to La Cenaia. The pride of La Cena. Yeah. Like, I like it when they're proud of their little neighborhood or they personalize it in some little way.

Yeah. Applebee's does that, I think, quite a bit. Do they mean, like, well, they say like they're your neighborhood Applebee's, right? I didn't realize that. And I know that the one, I want to say it's like in Winnetka or something like that that I went to a couple years ago, they had very heavy, like, the valley theming. And it was, like, listing, like, Kenoga Park, Winnetka, like all these places in that area that they were, like, reping. I like that. Trader Joe's is good about that, too, at least the one by me. All the cash registers are named after a street in my neighborhood. Yeah. So you can go to, like, your street,

which I don't, because I always have fewer than 12 items. So I go to the smaller street. I also love naming cash registers. Or the line, you know what I mean? I'm like, you go stand. Like the my line. That's my street. Oh, I just told them where I live. Scrash that. Hollywood Boulevard. And what are the numbers on your house?

69.69. I also, yeah, I thought that the pickle bucket is actually a cool idea because this is something you could use very practically. I saw a Reddit post of someone who was like, oh, I'm doing like a bucket garden. And, you know, they're like planting little trees in here or whatever. You can always find a use for a bucket. It's a good bucket. Home Depot, Lowe's. they all sell their branded buckets.

Probably more expensive than $3, though. Though this got my favorite warning label on the side, the one of like a child can drown in here. Wow, I've never seen that. It's like if you fill this up with water, if you fill this up with water, a child might lean in and get a little too top heavy. Yeah. And I don't, I don't love children drowning, but I love the, I love the art on these warning labels. I think that's what it is. It just makes me, it tickles me that someone was like, hey, you know, this really morbid thing.

that could happen. Here's an approximation of what that would look like. Draw it in its simplest form. Yeah, warning graphics are pretty great. This lid doesn't seem the best, but, I mean, it seems pretty tight. Do we want to crack it open and smell, like, how awful? I'll smell the pickle bucket. Let's smell the pickle bucket.

What a sentence. That is definitely a pickle bucket. Oh, my God. that is a whiff that is a big old whiff I felt it in the back of my throat it's like an intense like when I was young collecting scratch and sniff stickers was a thing

and there was a dill pickle one it's like an extreme version of that yeah so between pressed pennies and collecting scratch and scratch and sniff I collect a lot of things what era when were you a kid 80s that checks out But yeah, I do like the idea of instead of just a donation, you get something for it. And I think that's really cool. And I feel like that's not that common. It's usually just like a gimmie.

Yeah. Put your dollar bill in this coin. We'll just jump in with it. You'll never see it. But yeah. I agree. I definitely like to get something if I'm going to give something. I had the oatmeal cookie in the good.

I actually really enjoyed this cookie. I enjoyed it. I didn't see. But I'm a little spoiled because I very recently, within the last week, got some white chocolate cookies from Aldi. And I love a soft cookie. And these are almost like, they're so soft. I may go there after I leave here today because I'm not always over here. And it was almost like, it's like almost dough. And so I'm really spoiled on that right now. And I don't know that I'd want that in an oatmeal cookie quite as much, but I do like them a little softer. It had a little more crisp than I liked, but it was fine. more raisins than I need to. We got them like, they had the ones pre-packed at the register, and they're like, oh, we actually just pulled a batch out. And it's like, well, we'll take it the best that you could be giving it to us. That was the best that cookie could get. I liked it quite a bit.

I went eight out of ten on that cookie. I should have given you mine. Yeah, he still could. It's right there. It's in that box. Next to a pickle. I'm okay. Did you have a score for it?

I'll give the cookie a six seems mean, seven seems generous, a 6.5. Great. Yeah, I think that categorizes as good. It's over six. It's over average, you know. And then lastly, I had a tropical cherry limeade. Oh, you did get that. I did get that, and I thought it was refreshing.

It wasn't too syrupy, which is usually a thing that you run the risk with a cherry limeate. It just tastes kind of like that corn syrup or whatever. Cherry was about half of the flavor profile, the other half. was like vague citrus. But it was pretty good. I went seven out of ten on that, on that lemonade or limeade. But that was out of the freestyle also.

Yeah. See, I think any lemonade or limeade that comes out of the freestyle, it has like a weird, it gives me like a little scratch in my throat. For lemonade's and limeades, I want them to be like in their individual,

like weird frothy, a blendery machine thing that they have at some restaurants, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. The spinner. Yeah, because I'll get like the Minute Made lemonade in the, in the freestyle, and it's just not my favorite. I went with the Minute Made, they have like fruit punches and stuff, but in the freestyle, they have just random like Minute Made grape drink or like when you're a kid, like a soccer game.

And I got the grape drink. And I'm a big fan of like artificial grape. And it was, I'll give that an 8.8. 8.8. Yeah. Wow. Is there anything else in the good for you? Like, I do have the decor.

I do have the service and the cookie and the drink. So most of it, honestly, in the good for me. Yeah. I mean, it was a, it was a very fine experience. Yeah. It was like rotten tomatoes to where it's like something can be fresh without being highly rated. Yeah.

Like things can keep scoring like a seven out of ten and have a hundred percent on rotten tomatoes. Right. It's kind of like the stock photo version of a restaurant. Like, it looked like how a restaurant should look with the smiling people and the, and the food. But I could take a much cooler picture of a restaurant. Yourself. Myself.

Yeah. But in a pinch, I would just get a stopped photo. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a good way to put it. Thank you. It's very abstract, but direct. Right.

You know? Get you there. So, yeah, that's all the good for me. That's all the good for you. Sure. All right. I did hook up with the fireman. I don't know if you know that.

That goes in the great for me. Okay. When I left for those two hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all the good for me. Great. We're going to talk about all the things now that we're not good. This is not so good.

I'm not quite sure about. It could have done without it. The stuff that brings down the mood. This is just not bad. I don't have a lot. There was a huge box blocking one of the bathrooms, which is not good in an objective sense, but subjectively, I got some enjoyment out of it. I thought it was silly. And then you noticed on the box, I think this is a giant skeleton.

It said like 25 inch skelly something. No, 12 foot skelly. 12 foot skelly. From Home Depot. If you see that out on their sidewalk in the next month, and I, listen, they, they, had three bathrooms, I think, right? Two. And one was blocked. So only one was available. Okay. You, sure, when you get shipment, sometimes things get blocked. There was definitely no urgency

in moving that box, but it also just did not look like there was anywhere else to put it. I agree with that. It did kind of look like a prank, though. Like someone had gone into the restroom and it's like, oh, let's slide them. Let's lock them in there. Now, I've already complained about this on our show recently. Halloween, I know we say it every year. It comes out earlier and earlier every year. My first notice of Halloween this year was on July 8th, four days after the 4th of July. I just mentioned I went shopping this weekend. Halloween is everywhere. Home goods, T.J. Mac. Holy. Halloween is everywhere already. Like, you can go shopping for all your Halloween. It's at Costco. I mean, I guess it's just the next decoratable holiday. No one's decorating for

Labor Day. No. It is the next one, but it's still several months away. Yeah. And I get that for stores that are selling stuff. I'm curious when a place like Firehouse Subs is going to put up a 25 foot skeleton. That seems like you don't do that until September 1st, maybe at the earliest. And September in L.A. is hot. So they have to go through all of August with that box blocking their bathroom. That's what I'm wondering. I feel like you now, it's your job to update us on when that box moves. I'll go by daily. I'll give you a timestamp. You should get like a little mini cam you can just put in there and just keep an eye on it. I'll put it in the bathroom.

Yeah, but you should put it right there in the bathroom. Right by the block bathroom. Yeah, yeah. I'll put it in the toilet. There you go. Because that'll see the skeleton. Totally legal. And I would catch your hookup with that fireman. Would have seen it. You could have sold it. Everyone would love to see that. The only other thing that I have in the Not Good was their hot sauce station.

I hate a sticky bottle. I hate, I'm not here to put my partner on, glass, but, like, she's not the type of person who will, like, wipe down toothpaste or something or condiments in the fridge, soy sauces, sticky bottles, not into it. You can't. And they had that here. No. Yeah. I guess, yeah, stuff like that's a bummer.

It's fine if it's a super busy place, but it wasn't. Give those bottles a little wiped down. You know what I hate more than a sticky bottle, a sticky packet? Like, if a ketchup or something has popped in a big pile of ketchup and I pick one up and it's sticky, I'm so gross. I hate that. By a sticky packet. Oh, this is what was my bad for them.

They have a big sign. A big sign. They had a sign saying that they had packets of A1 sauce. I love A1 sauce. And I never see it in packets. And I like packets because I can steal them. They said they don't have packets. And it sounds like they haven't had them in a while because no one was asking for the packets.

Yeah. Yeah, they literally gave the reason as we weren't moving them. Which makes sense because I don't think of A1 as a subway condiment. But yeah. Yeah, sticky bottle. No good. It's an attention to detail thing, I think. I don't know.

I feel like I trust people whose bottles aren't sticky. Mm-hmm. What? Where does your brain go with that? I'm just a disgusting person. If you came to my house, you'd probably pass out and die.

I'm not a germapho. I'm basically a hoarder. Trust me, you would pass out and die. Okay. I don't even want you to see in my car. You'll hit me. I thought I saw a pool noodle. I got two.

I don't even have a pool. That's real, by the way. But I housed it, and they have pools, so I bought my own noodles. Wait, is that really why you have those? Yeah. Oh, my God. Because I housed it in places that have pools, so I bring my own noodles. Because I can't swim.

What do you want me to drown? No. I got to bring my own noodles. Bring it. Those noodles are only $1 at five below. Get like the floaty mats. I like the noodles. I had two noodles under my arms.

I just float and think about life. Yeah, sticky bottles and a big skeleton. blocking the bathroom. Those are the negatives. Those are the negatives for me. It's not too bad. It's not too bad. Like, this wasn't a bad experience.

No, very, very stop photo. The most disappointing thing was the subs. So, let's get into what was just there. And we'll talk about these just very average run-of-the-mill bland subs. This is a weird one. I'm not quite sure what to say about it. Uh, yeah. This is for the stuff that is just there.

So I got the pepperoni pizza meatball sub, sans cheese. Oh, I thought you added the pepperoni. I thought that was like your own invention. No, like they had a special, the pepperoni pizza meatball. And I was like, I like pepperoni. Honestly, I like pepperoni pizza and I'll eat it with cheese. But like, take the ingredients of cheese of pizza and reconfigure them and I won't eat them. So, yeah, it's all psychological.

I understand that. Cheese would have made that sandwich a lot better. Maybe. And in the last month, I've become kind of a pepperoni snob. I went to, I went to, like, an Italian deli and got in deli. I've also a little bit more of a sandwich snob, just because there's places in L.A. that have really great Italian subs. Yeah.

Like delis and stuff. And I went to one in Eagle Rock, Eagle Rock Italian Deli or something like that and got an Italian sandwich. And in the refrigerated section, they were selling, like, sliced pepperoni, which I get, like, Hormel and just eat it as a snack. So I bought that. I couldn't believe how much better it was than like a Hormel pepperoni. It was like not metallicy at all. It was just like really good.

So now I feel a little spoiled on pepperoni. This one tasted just so steamed. It just felt like low grade. Yeah, that's how the cheese felt. And it was a little too thin. I like thick cut pepperoni. I love like cupped pepperonies. Like have you had Prince Street pizza?

I have. Their pepperonies are kind of like the standard. for me, maybe a little crunchy. And it just wasn't up to snuff. And then the meatball itself was just, it was like the meatball you find inside of SpaghettiOs, you know, just bigger. But it was like, this doesn't seem fresh.

Which is what is disappointing is when you gave me those three terrible options of a restaurant I want to go to and I picked this one, I picked it because the reviews I read did say, like they have really high quality meats. Everyone was like praising their meats. And I was like, this. I came to find out that they're like kind of lame meats that are steamed. Like it was just,

I was kind of surprised by it all. Yeah. I was expecting more. I remember liking them more from the time I had them in college. I remember getting the meatball sub and be like, oh, this is pretty good. Maybe it's changed over time or we've just had better food since then. I think that's probably what it was. Yeah. Yeah. It was just, it needed more seasoning. Like it just, it didn't have enough going on. I think they were relying on just the meat. And I'm like, but you got to do something with it. Put some oregano in your meatball or something. Like, I don't know. Give me something.

Five and a half. The Italian one, it was like only three meats. It was like pepperoni, slummy, and ham. Like, I feel like when you get a good Italian sub, there's like all those meats in it that I can't pronounce. There's like a bunch of different sliced meats. Like ham is like, would be low on my list for an Italian sub. And it should have been a red flag that instead of like oil and vinegar, they did Italian dressing, which just seems so kind of like, my, weird choice.

Like, I don't feel like in Italy, they're pulling out. like wishbone and pouring it on their sandwiches. You just want like a nice, clean oil and vinegar. I don't even know if I took a look at your sandwich. Well, here, I'll grab it. Do you want me to? I have it. You can.

Yeah, let's show. Yeah, let's see. I mean, I doubt I'll even, I don't know that I'll actually eat it later, but I feel that. I mean, it's just so like, that's my can't look. It's just like. That cross section is like, what, 70% bread? Yeah, it's like all.

I don't know. I definitely won't eat this. Do you want this? No. I'll give this to you here. I don't want it. This would be my treat for you. I'm really okay.

But yeah, it's just super basic, very like, I guess it's a corporate sandwich. It's not like a, you know, homemade fun mom and pop sandwich. I will say there was another element of my sandwich that I asked about and they confirmed and then didn't do. When I was looking on the Firehouse Subs website, I wasn't necessarily looking at this location. And one of the sides they offer is fresh-baked garlic bread, which I am all about. It was the thing I was most excited about coming in. And then they said the pepperoni pizza meatball sub comes on garlic bread. Wow.

As opposed to. And then later- They told you that here? Well, I saw it in the sign and I was like, oh, you have the, they have the, that. comes on garlic bread and they were like yeah and then they asked me whiter wheat which is you're like garlic bitch yeah and uh i said white assuming i was like oh are they gonna like fresh slather the like garlic spread or whatever and like it's gonna be super fresh and then i'm in hindsight i'm like wait i didn't get any garlic bread and that's what i wanted that's like that's the thing

that enticed me the most yeah that's a bummer and so it was just very bland and i didn't get that And, like, garlic bread is, like, one of my favorite foods. Do you have anything else in Just There? No, I think Just There is kind of the overall vibe. I mean, I don't want to, I don't like to be a negative Nellie. What I said to you when I was there is I don't think on my own accord I would go back. I feel like I have the same experience at Jimmy Johns. I think I only went there once.

It was fine. I never craved it, and I never went back. Yeah. Subway, I'm just, I had it my whole childhood. I don't like Subway. I'm so over it. never go there anymore. I don't like the smell of it when I walk in. I am literally reminded when I went for the show, a woman walked past subway talking to herself and was like,

damn, is that smell subway? And then liked it? Walked in and then she went, that's nasty and just laugh. I like to want to marry that woman. Is that smell coming from subway? Yeah, they all have that exact same fresh-baked bread smell. It was, no, it was, damn, that's crazy, not that's nasty. Damn, that's crazy. Just, damn, that's crazy. That subway can muster that smell. That is really funny.

I completely agree. Yeah. Like Jersey mice, I don't even associate with a smell. Not that Jersey mice is amazing, but there's just something, it is good. They're a sub above. They're a step above. And I've grown, I don't usually like a different flavored bread. I'm a plain guy, but I have grown to.

really like their, you won't like it. The rosemary parmesan bread. Very good. Did you know that they used to like sell a sandwich, but instead of bread, it's in a pickle? No. Crazy. I don't need that much pickle. I don't either. Though I have been on a pickle kick lately. I've been eating a lot of pickles. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like society has been forcing a lot of pickles on us lately. Just a lot of restaurants are doing, they're in their, pickles. It's probably the cheapest thing you can, it's a cucumber. Yeah. It's like cheap. Pickles now are what bacon was 10 years ago. 15 years ago. Maybe.

My dad, we make pickle. My dad makes pickles. So I, for a long time, would only eat my dad's pickles. But now I've branched out and I eat a lot of pickles. And I'm randomly into bread and butter pickles, which I was never into a sweet pickle. Currently, I am. Life changes. Life moves on.

We evolve, Michael. It's like. I'm not eating cheese. I'm not eating cheese. Just eat some cheese. So good. So you've never had a lotte? No.

You're missing out on all the great. things in life. No, I'm not. Man, what a fool. You're going to be on your deathbed and be like, I was a fool. I should have. Like, the only restaurant in the hospital is fire subs. Do you want one?

No, it's going to be melting pot. You need cheese. Wait, how did you do melting pot? They have meat and they have dessert. My guests did the cheese portion, but I did like the oil and meat and then the chocolate. Got it. Yeah. And then the last thing I have in just there is the hot sauce that I tried.

They had their hot sauce bar. I wanted to try one. I got the bee sting, which is honey and habanero hot sauce. Because my favorite hot sauce, it's a brand called ATX hot sauce. They're Austin, Texas based. And they have a honeybee habanero. It's like garlic honey and habanero together. It's delicious.

Goes with breakfast burritos, goes with like pizza. It's just great on everything. So I was like, okay, it's a similar taste profile, honey and habanero. But this was almost like, it was way too sugary. It almost tasted like a spicy version. of the KFC honey packet. That's not even, that's like, honey, what, that has a weird name. It's not, honey.

No, it's like honey, maybe it is product. It's not honey. They can't call it honey. It's like honey flavored liquid or something. It's like some weird name. That's what this reminded me of. And so I put a little bit on my sandwich and was just like, this. This hot, no, it's just, it's too sugary.

Like, it didn't add any. thing. And I like hot sauce. I love hot sauces. So I just expect it more from it. Again, I'm not trashing that sauce, but it's definitely not doing it for me. Have you ever done the hot sauce challenge? Hot way or hot ones has like a you can just buy the set. Yeah, I've done it two different seasons. I've done it twice. I'm not a fan. I can't do it. It's just too much for me. I just think the bombs, uh, tastes bad. But the like ones that are usually hotter than the bomb, I think tastes pretty good usually. I don't like the last dab. I don't like the way they smell. I don't like the way they taste. I just like buffalo sauce, like mild buffalo sauce.

I put the last dab in spaghetti sauce when I cook it just to give it like, you know, a little bit, but like gives the whole thing a kick. Got it. It's a good flavor. I like it. Cool. That's everything that is just there. We got to rate the place. But before we do it, you need to calibrate your scale. We know Chili's is the perfect five. Objectively speaking, Chili's is the most average experience you could get. But you haven't been to the hundred plus restaurants I've been. to. So I need to know your 10. I need to know your zero. So we're going to stop at this week's

Calibration Station. Calibration Station comparing this meal to the best or the worst. Calibration station chugga chugga chugging, chugging, chugge, choo-choo-choo-choo. Okay, John, I just need you to calibrate for me.

So I need to hear about your worst dining experience ever, your best dining experience ever, you're zero and your 10, you can start with whichever one you'd like. Okay, so I don't, I don't know that I'm going to give you exactly what you want here. I may on my best, these were hard for me because. And they don't have to be chains. Right. Yeah.

But for my worst, I'm going to be a little more convoluted than giving you a place. What makes a, because it takes, it would take a lot for me to never go back to a restaurant. Sure. But what grinds my gears, what burns, my buns is you said it earlier, I don't consider myself overly picky, but I do have request. I hate tomatoes. I don't ever want a tomato on my food. I will never order tomato. I usually don't want onions. I usually don't want things on my food. Is it tomato as a flavor? I can have sauce. Marinera, totally fine. Yeah, unless there's chunks in it. That'll gross. me out. But sure. A smooth marinera, ketchup, all those are great. I don't like a lot of foods to get hot. I don't like lettuce on a hot sandwich. It gets hot. I don't like it. I'm very slow eater. Things get hot. I don't like it. So maybe I am picky. So the restaurants that I hate

are, and it happens, I would say, 88, your birthday. Now, 89, Taylor Swift's birthday, percent of the time is I will put in a request like no tomato and whatever and they put it on there anyway I get that with cheese almost all the time I'm sure because they're just kind of

robotically making these things and they don't pay attention it happens so often and I get home and no it is not that big of a deal to take lettuce or tomato or onions off your food but it's sloppy and it ruins the experience

and I'm just tired of it and just listen I think pickle and tomato and cheese are kind of the things where if they accidentally put it on, you can't really come back from because cheese and pickle and tomato both have so much like, juice and seeds and juice that seeps. So it like, it flavors. Pickles suck. And then cheese by nature of just kind of being a melty thing. You can't.

So, yeah, I do get that. But it's also like I'm not going to dry. I usually eat at home. So I'm not going to dry back over there. So usually what happens is I call them. They're like, we'll put your name on a list. Next time you're here, you'll get. you can ask for it. I never do that. My name's on, Marissa and I joke about it. My name's probably on

every restaurant list in this town. I have something free everywhere because everyone messes up all the time. Yeah. So that is what really bums me out as far as a restaurant. So on that scale, that's what would make a very bad experience for me. It's just not getting what I order. Okay. I'm not going to put a name on the restaurant because so many do it. Right. And I will put a name on one of my favorite restaurant's experiences and that's Dan Tannis. I don't know if you've ever been there. I've heard of it. Very old school Hollywood. It is like, it was prices were ridiculous before prices were ridiculous. And I went there a couple months ago. And they are, it's, I think it's $46 for chicken parmesan. It is just like everything is so expensive.

But I love the food. Every time I've been, it's with like a great group of friends. If you eat inside, you're packed in there. You always see some Hollywood, you see a David Spade or someone who's famous and there's like millions of pictures of like old time famous people because it's been there since like the I love Lucy hey days of Hollywood. I love the nostalgia of it. I love how expensive it is because usually when I'm there, someone else is paying so I don't have to worry about it. But I feel like the taste of the food justifies it. So for me, that's my number one. And just people not listening as my or that's my 10, whichever is, that's my high and people messing up my orders below. Gotcha. So somewhere between tomatoes on a

sandwich and the possibility of seeing David Spade lies today's experience at Firehouse subs. We're going to put it to the Chili's Test. It's not to set scale. Will it pass or will it fail? Isn't the worst. It's the best. Let's put it to the Chili's test.

All right, John. It's the moment of truth. Firehouse subs could be an above average restaurant or a below average restaurant. If it's better than Chili's, it's above average. I'm going to let you run down your final thoughts on Firehouse and then give it a score. All right. So looking at your board, I'm a little flamundgeoned that White Castle is the lowest scored restaurant here because I love White Castle. Though granted, sometimes White Castle, when I order it, is disgusting.

Can I just say I would expect White Castle to be the favorite thing specifically of someone who identifies as a hoarder? like it just feels like a place that seems unnecessary why because you order the hamburgers by the sack yeah wow a place that sells a crave case seems like i have newspapers piled high you're trash let's let's wrap this up i like white castle because i grew up on white castle that's a lot of the reasons we like the things we like is because it's what we grew up on i grew up on bangs of white castle i love it i get it every time i go to ohio yeah um You know, definitely not the best, definitely not the worst, somewhere near the middle,

maybe a little better than a little north of five and a little naughtier than five. I'm going to have to go, Firehouse Subs for me is a 6.69. Naughty. More like nice. A little naughty, a little nice. Yeah, I'm not that high.

I really liked the vibe of the point. place. I'm just a big fan for like crisp colorful decor. And backlots and movie sets. It goes a lot for me. Yeah. Servers, very nice. But at the end of the day, you're a sandwich shop and your

sandwich didn't cut it. So I went ever so slightly higher than what I would consider the zone of mediocrity, four to six. I went 6.06. Oh, wow. So when you put my score together with your score, Firehouse Subs goes up

on the Chotchky of Mediocrity at... Let me guess. 6.37. 6.38. Damn! I'm like Einstein. You got it wrong. Yeah, but it was 0.1 away. Yeah, he's known for E equals M.C. squared-ish.

You know what? You're a bad man. You're a bad man. There we are. All right. Where was Costco? Where was my last one? Costco was 5.68. Wow, so you've really served me two duds. I can't wait to come back.

I just realized Costco and Jersey mics have like the same logo. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Well, that does mean that Firehouse Subs is definitively better than Chili's. That is Firehouse Subs. I need to go somewhere next week. or do I next week kicks off septemberger my annual burger tournament someone else will win the septemberger

championship belt does somebody really get that no but but brands i buy a new side plate that like features the winner that's fine so like there's one for outback and there's one for in and out the previous two years winners uh so get your brackets in this year i'm doing a little bit differently it's just whose bracket is the closest because i've had two years where no one went seven for seven on all the match predictions. I've never understood a bracket. I don't know what it means. I know people just put together fantasy teams.

Is that the same thing? I don't know. Yeah. So I'm just going to do anyone who's like the closest you'll be put into a drawing to win Septemberger. And if you win, you can tell me a restaurant anywhere in the country that I haven't covered that you want to see me review. And I will write a rap song about either you or any food or restaurant related thing

that you want me to produce a rap song about. Have you heard any of my raps? Are you one of those people who are like, my name is Mike and I'm here to say? Yes. I am. I eat shitty food all damn day. Maybe I should be a rapper.

These aren't improv. I'm not freestyling. You should. You don't have confidence. Rappers have in spades confidence. I don't have a quick working brain. Maybe if you ate cheese. I'm broken.

Awesome. Well, thanks for coming on again. Thanks so much for being here. If you want to tell people where they can follow you on social media. Oh, God, I'm bad about that. Please check out my podcast, On Brand with John and Marissa. We are on all social medias, either under it changes either onbrandthopod.com or on brandthodcast.com. We drop new episodes every Thursday. Very fun way to learn about all of your favorite brands. We're on Instagram. We're on TikTok. We're on YouTube. We have a Patreon. We have a Discord. We got it all. So check us out on brand with John and Marissa.

Amazing. And you can follow this show on Instagram and TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast, blue sky, fine dining podcast.byskye.com. Social. Join my Discord. Come chat with me. Come yell at me. Come tell me John is right about all his takes about me that have made me feel like I am lesser than. Don't say that. Lesser than. Your name is Mike and you're here to say. I don't eat cheese and I never will. Okay. Okay, well, they both work. My rap will be so much better than that.

Okay. We'll see. Awesome. And I also have a Patreon where you can get an exclusive fine dining episode every single month, as well as the full extended Yelp from Stranger segments. And I'm also dropping an interview with the show's composer about what it's like coming up with all these fun little musical jingles and ditties and transition bits that I have because I love bits.

I hate. No, that's great. I'm glad that you do. What do you hate? And if you're going to be in the North Hollywood area anytime soon, probably in September, be sure to drive past the firehouse subs on Lancashem and see a 25-foot skeleton. I will update you when that happened. Awesome. Well, that's another one in the books. Thanks so much for joining. I'll see you next week for the Septemberger kickoff show. Have a fine day. We judge the service up to the cooks, and while we may have gotten a couple of dirty looks, though the journey can never stop, that from the bottom down to the top, we got a new embo and everything's unlocked. And that's because Chimley's too little to the letter to the tea. It's the public on the stone, mediocrity, I'm for tea, I for tea. So now we got a brand new one.

got your test That's the worst we got to know Could we should lay out in the air Triple Dipper got the ribs A main course So big little in the middle It's gone now it's got to be the lock For what we use

When we put things up on the charge Game A media for day So there's another one in the books yet there's another one in the books and we will see you next a week and next a week, baby.