Fine Dining - Five Guys: Avoid Their Bacon, But Seek Out the Cajun Fries

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

🍔🥜 Five Guys Review: Worst Bacon Ever, Amazing Fries, and Competitive Burgers 🥜🍔 This week, Seif Rahoumi (@seifrahoumi) returns as we put Five Guys to the Chili's Test. With Five Guys entering Septemburger 2026 as the No. 2 seed, it's time to find out whether one of America's most beloved burger chains can live up to the hype. Between three tournament burgers, fresh-cut fries, and a shockingly bad hot dog, there's a lot to unpack. 🍔 Three Burgers Enter the Septemburger Conversation 🥜 Seif Opens a Peanut for the First Time Ever 🍟 Fresh-Cut Fries and Cajun Fries Continue to Carry the Reputation 🌭 The Hot Dog Was a Bigger Disappointment Than I Am to My Parents 🥓 The Bacon Ruined Everything It Touched 🎨 The Bulletin Board Is Out of Cards, So Seif Can't Cook (Artistically Speaking) 👨‍🍳 Open Kitchen vs. FOH/BOH Segregation 🏆 Seif Thinks the Walls Have Way Too Many Self-Congratulatory Awards 📏 Calibration Station Reveals Seif's Biggest Restaurant Green Flag: Acknowledge Him 🤨 Is a Cashier Rude for Saying *He* Wouldn't Eat What We Ordered? 💬 COMMENT BELOW: What's your go-to Five Guys burger order? 📢 SUPPORT THE SHOW & JOIN THE COMMUNITY:🎉 Patreon (Bonus episodes, extended Yelp segments & more): patreon.com/finediningpodcast 💬 Discord (Food talk, memes, cursed Yelp): discord.gg/6a2YqrtWV4 🎥 Watch full episodes: youtube.com/channel/UCLbraNhL6KhDPkdSWt2yiuw 🔗 All links: linktree.com/finediningpodcast 🎤 Guest: Seif Rahoumi | IG: @seifrahoumi Patreon Producers:Sue Ornelas, Joyce Van, & Robert McLaughlin Patreon Subscribers:David Ornelas, Kellie Baldwin, Jeremy Horwitz, Herbert Amaya, Simone Davalos, Scott Bennett, Amy Reinhart, Josef Castaneda-Liles, Travis Langley, Jewell Hermann, & Michelle Elmer Free Patreon Followers:Joe Warszalek, Lauren Cummings, Grace Krainak, Keri Estes, Robert Duran, Patrick Elliott, Dave Plummer, Nicholas Volney, Michael Gerard, Tracy Molino, Phuong Duong, Tyler Robinson, Brandon Gully, Mason Cruz, Michael Milito, Mez, Aaron Hubbard, Steff, Renae Michael, Crystal C., NiZ, Science Broe, & Jahid Ahmed 👉 NEXT WEEK: It's the history of Slice House by Tony Gemignani with Court McGowan!

Is five guys the best nationally available burger joint? The Cajun fries were so good, I'm considering a move to Baton Rouge, but the coloring station was out of paper depriving the world of its next masterpiece. Those burgers were yummy, yummy in my tummy, but the cashier shamed our food choices. The ingredients are so fresh, they literally show them off at the front of the store, but the bacon tasted funky in a way that earthwind and fire would have refused. to groove to. With a name that literally admits to having too many cooks in the kitchen, Five Guys has actually been a beacon of simplicity through the handful of decades it spent

peddling burgers in a crowded field of competitors doing way too much. Is it enough for them to take home the Septemberger Championship belt in a couple of months? Let's find out how they fared. This is the Fine Dining Podcast. Hello, welcome to Fine Dining. I am your host, Michael Ornellis, and this is the podcast that uses Chili's, the most mediocre restaurant in America, as a point of comparison to measure a restaurant's quality. By the end of this episode, we'll answer the question everyone had on their mind when Michael Jackson did his anti-gravity lean in the smooth criminal music video, is five guys

better than Chili's? Today, we're going to tell you everything that was good, not good, and just there about our meal at Five Guys before we give it a score. And joining me today to discuss Five Guys as a performer at the illustrious upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Hollywood. He's a friend of mine who makes Fanny Pax look posh. And he's the human equivalent of when you hit your toes against an Ottoman. And it's not even just your big toe, but like a couple of the smaller ones.

That's crazy. That's crazy. I thought you were going to say so many nice things. Nope. And then you, yeah, yeah, Shanghai'd me. You're one of my bullies. That's true. The amount of lunch money I've had to fork over to you is too much.

Listen, I need it. I'm hungry. Thanks for coming today. Thank you for having me. Yeah, it was a delight. It was a delight. Went to five guys, which is a place that because it's in the September or tournament, I've been holding off on going to, but lately I've kind of had a

craving. And so for probably the past two or three months, I've avoided five guys despite wanting to. Well, that's good. That means you definitely weren't. biased when you ate the burgers because you've been holding in that weight for so long, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was great.

I love five guys. It was a good time. Name them. You told me one. You love five guys. Guy, Cletus guy, Harold Guy. Morell is their last name. Morell guy.

The third one is also Cletus. There's two cleatists. Junior, but their brothers. Junior, but he was a complete as a second. Yeah. I can't believe their family. I still can't. I'm still dealing with that.

Can't believe it. Yeah. Amazing. Well, yeah, we we dined at five guys not that long ago. I'm still feeling okay. Sometimes the meal like this is like way too heavy. And even though we ate a lot, I feel okay. I'm bloated.

I'm going to break this chair, brother. But I'm happy. It's like happy blow. Great. You know what I mean? All right. Sometimes you eat too much and you're like, I want to die, but I'm like, this is living.

Yeah. To me, it's like, does, can I still feel my fingertips? If I can't, if they're not like numb, you know? Hell yeah. That's neuropathy. All right. Well, we've got opinions about this place, so let's just jump into it.

And we're going to start off by talking about only the things that we liked, everything that was good. This is good, done like it should be. Best up my finger licking. I liked all of... No, that's not true. You don't like the company. You're right. I did forget to write states in the not good.

No, for the good, two of the burgers, I thought, were like, very, solid. Definitely good. Yes, I agree. The first one I want to talk about, just jumping right in, is the hamburger. Look, five guys doesn't have names for their burgers. Pizzes me off. Other than hamburger. Yeah.

Bacon burger. Little hamburger. Little hamburger. Yeah. Is that it? And then cheeseburger. The doll. And then the cheeseburger version of all those.

Yeah. And then they have four named hot dogs. And it's like, that's crazy because you're not even a hot dog place. Yeah. But it's like bacon, hot dog, cheese, hot dog. Same shit. Yeah. But, uh, guys.

No. creativity. So the hamburger plus we customize it ourselves. Now, because it's a first round burger for September burger, I tried to mirror what a lot of the places do for kind of their basic burgers. So we got it with lettuce, pickle, tomato, ketchup, mayo. Yes. I liked this burger. We will talk about it much more in depth at the kickoff show for September. Yes. But overall, Sesame seed bun. Great bun. It was solid.

Yeah. Beef tasty. It was juicy. Yes. Yeah. I liked this burger a lot. And if this is what I would call like the standard at five guys, then that's a win. That's like a.

You got a good jumping off point. Yeah. That's a September burger winner, probably. You are so biased and rooting just because you want to be a part of something that gets a championship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And if I got to do whatever with these five guys, I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes to win. No, it was a good burger. It's not like, it wasn't like the greatest burger no to man, but it was like a good, solid burger for its good bang for your buck, as the kids say probably in 1903. I was happy.

That was a time when I was happy. And so much has changed. So much has changed. You've gone through an episode already with me. Low point. Oh my God. Yeah. I liked it.

I thought it was pretty great for like a... Yeah, I had no complaints. Yeah. What's the thing you had in the good? Those freaking Cajun fries? Let's talk the Cajun fries. The Cajun fries at five guys are insane. Delicious.

They are, they got a little... They're packing some heat. They're packing some heat. in such a nice way. So good. And look, I am not a fan of like, like Cheeto dust. Like, I don't like stained fingers when I'm eating. Okay.

And this is like a, you get a batch of the cage and fries. And it's an immediate, oh, I got to find a napkin and wipe it. And yet it was good enough that it overcame the displeasure I felt from my fingers being destroyed. It's a bonus snack for the future on your fingers. I hate that. You should know, you have a big beard. Same thing. Same thing.

You think I'm storing food in here? I would imagine. The only thing that ends up in my beard consistently when I snack on it is pudding. And I wash immediately. I go to a bathroom and rinse. How are you missing your mouth with pudding? I got bristles. I got bristles that go down.

Oh, they like scoop it up on the way. Yeah. Oh, interesting. I go upside down. We're not here to talk about pudding. We could be. I have a lot of thoughts about pudding. What are your thoughts on pudding?

yummy tasty good i love chocolate pudding yeah i like the like swirl oh yeah yeah i get a little i don't like a full vanilla chocolate squirrel squirrel squirrels squirrel vanilla chocolate squirrel yeah um but no those cage and fries are like so good they were the best thing there we got the small and it was like a full paper bag on they give you bagelers they give you what baglers okay the hell is a bagler this has stuck with me you're making up words sophomore year of high school. It's like 1800. I went to a Burger King. Okay.

And like in the way that a place will do just like cute little marketing bits. On the side of the bag, it did like one of those dictionary definitions and it said bagler, a fry straggler left over in the bag. And my brain committed it to memory as just this is what these are called. And I call them baglars because genuinely I like that portmanteau. I think it is a really good. But it could, it's just like a Burger King joke word? Yes. Or is it a real word?

I don't even think. You don't know. I think if I said it to a Burger King employee, they would look at me the way you looked at me when I said it. That's true. It's not colloquially accepted anywhere, but I use it because I like it. That's sweet. And I hope you take it with you and use it from here on it. I just think it's crazy that you didn't expect me to be confused. I absolutely knew you'd be confused.

But here's a thing. A smarter man would piece it together. Well, we all know I'm not that. I might not have brains or strength, but I've got junk. And a tummy that loves burgers. Yeah, and pudding. And pudding. And fries.

Yeah, these were the best thing. Yeah, I'm undoubtedly. I only wrote four words for it. I put these are absolute fire. Nine and a half out of ten on these fries. Nine and a half out of ten. Excellent. I said nine.

I said nine. Yeah. Um, because nine and a half, what is that? That's like something, I'm a nine and a half out of ten. That's like unreasonably good. Continue. Um, yeah, are you just going to say in silence? I'm going to keep talking.

I'll keep talking. Um, yeah, I could, I could just filibuster. What else did I like? I like, well, so the fresh cut fries, like the regular fries that weren't Cajun, they're fine. I thought we're also very tasty. I thought they were addictive. I kept coming back to them and I didn't have to keep wiping my fingers after it. So that was a plus.

That's a negative. I think they were fine. They were not as good, but I thought they were still what I would call great. I thought they were low-key addictive. No. Thought they were easy. What's like your favorite fry? Like, how do you like a fry?

I felt those are too mushy for me. Look, I don't like supporting the place that has one of my favorite fries. Oh, sure. But even then, only when it's fresh. A fresh out the friar, chick-fil-a-waffle fry. Oh, that's not what I thought you were going to say. There's so many places that we don't want to support.

True. But I think like a fresh Chick-fil-A waffle fry is so good. But like even if it's sat in steam for like two minutes, it's then way worse. Sure. I think the safe answer for me to say is islands. I love the fries at islands. And part of it is they have their proprietary seasoning salt. Yeah, yeah.

That is really, I don't know if I've ever been doing it. Takes it up a notch. I don't know if I've ever been to a lot. I might have gotten like a boozy drink at Nileons once, but that's it. I believe they're battered fries, so they're like a little bit breadier. I could be wrong about that. But yeah, they're good. I don't like a thick fry.

I don't like a steak fry. Yeah, yeah. Like the wedge fries. All they do is burn my mouth. I agree. I do like the chick flay fries a lot. I'm usually dipping those in like milkshakes. So I don't really taste the fry if I'm being on.

The chickfully one? Yeah. Because you can get a good scoop. Their Polynesian sauce is what I... Oh, Polynesian sauce is good. It's kind of sweet and sour-ish. Yeah, I don't even know what that is. Yeah.

Okay. I can't support that. Polynesia? I can't support Polynesia. Yeah. I'm just kidding. No, you already said it. No.

Come at him, woke mom. No, don't come at me, woke mom. I have enough of you. Please. What's funny about this bit is I think it is, if there is anyone in my life. who would get derated by a woke mob, it's me? Who would label anyone coming for him as the woke mob? It would be you.

Well, sure. But I want to make something clear. I am the woke mom. Okay. I am the woke mom. What are you, Captain Phillips? I am the woke mob now. Exactly, exactly.

Crazy. I'm a victim. Okay. I went eight out of ten on the fresh cup fries. I think I did like six. Okay. I mean, that's still, that's like the cusp of good. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take it. You liked your blackberry shake? Oh, I really liked my blackberry shake. Yeah, we both got milk shakes. You got a blackberry shake. That was like a limited edition thing, but it was really good. I love a milkshake. I should have dip the fries in the milkshake.

I just talked about it. Yeah. It seemed to taste like real fruit, and that's a positive. I didn't like your shake very much, but I think you did. No. Oh, no, because of the, yes. I wanted to like it, and then there was one element that I'll get to. We'll get to in the stinkers.

In the stinker section. Stinker section. You should rename that. Stinky, stinky. Pew, pew, pew. Yeah. Yeah, that was a good shake and I crushed it. I didn't like force it.

You did and I was like, I was like, oh, surely we'll both get to try each other's shake. And then I was like, here, have mine. I just want you to experience what I'm experiencing. And then you just tilted yours and I saw just like a puddle of a whip at the bottom. And I was like, I cannot. I like a milkshake. I do too. And pudding.

Yeah. You have other goods? I do. The third burger. that we had. Oh, my God. Rod, I forget every single piece of this, because I don't have a freaking book.

That's why. I literally said while we're there, hey, take notes on your phone. And you went, I've got it. I'm a steel trap. That's what I talk like. That's not what I talk like.

Totally is. He said, I got it. That last burger was very good. The bacon hamburger with onion and barbecue sauce. Simple. We kept it kind of simple.

Yeah. Onion and barbecue sauce is a reliable combo. I do really like a barbecue burger. Me too. And bacon usually, usually pairs well. There's one stinker. In that environment. And I think the barbecue sauce masked the funk of the bacon.

Yeah. So it didn't really detract as much. I actually tasted it. But at the end of the day, the burgers with bacon, I thought, performed lesser than the one without. Yeah. And I think it's because of the bacon. Yeah. I think you on that one got a fatter piece of bacon than I, like a bigger piece of bacon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't really get much bacon. Okay. On my second one, which, or on the third one, which I was very happy about. Yeah. Because it was a stinker. I also liked, um, they labeled the burgers, one, two, three. I really liked that.

I can't do my trick. Yes, we had to. Yeah. Yeah, you did like the shell trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three card money. And you're like, which one was the first one. I was like, the one with a one on it.

I felt earnestly surprised. Yeah. Yeah. For sure, I thought I tricked him. I thought I lost them. It was a lot dumber. Yeah. But you're a burger connoisseur, you'll always know.

I'll always know. I did like this barbecue one. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, and I thought that the meat overall continues to impress. Agreed. And the bun. The freaking buns are so good. Why is the bun better than the meat?

Yeah. And it seemed fresh. And like the onion was like, it was like a perfect texture of onion. Yeah. We did raw onion. I don't think I like the grilled one. The other one we did grilled and I. I did like the raw.

Yeah. I love raw. You love it raw. Okay. We're not talking about how I like my five guys raw right now. Okay. I want to make a joke that I will cut. Yay. Crazy. Crazy joke. Wowza. Continue. No. All of a sudden silence.

All right. You can put that in. You can put not actually put it in there. No, I can't. I can't put it up with this reaction. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Continue. All right. The open kitchen.

I love being able to like... You like it? Yeah. There's something like I trust the process of like, oh, I can see all the burgers on the flat top. I can see them grilling buns. They have like a station for everything. Without that, do you imagine there's some type of like trickery going on? Yeah.

I picture like a little. a man in a top hat and a twirley mustache in the back and he's... And what's he doing? They're going to poison it. They're going to poison it just like a rush. Yeah. Just like those are rations. They're going to poison the ketchup.

They do that. Yeah. That's why he is okay though because you can see that they won't. Okay. You don't like an open kitchen. I don't know if I actively dislike an open kitchen. It's just like, I'm like, I don't need to see the sausage getting made. Get back there.

They're not making the sauce. Like, if they were grinding sausage there, I'd be like, maybe take that in back. Yeah. I don't know. It's like, front of house, back of house. Why are we making those lines stronger? You mean lesser?

Let's stick to tradition. Woke mom. Yeah. I'm just kidding. I don't like hate it. I don't love it. It's just like, I'm like, there's something refreshing about it to know.

I don't want like a habachi cheeseburger. I don't know. It's weird. He like flips a patty into your front pocket. Yeah, I don't like. Like a little shrimp. Catch it like a dog. Yeah.

No, not for me. Really? Okay. Speaking of like freshness and trust at the front, they have those, they have the peanuts, but they also have the potato bags. Yeah. They have like full bag. And those are like the real ones that they go.

Like that's not just decor. Yeah, yeah. That's their shipment of potatoes that they go to and grab to make more fries. I noticed that. And then to the right of the register on the wall, there's a sign that says where the potatoes are from today. And so it's like, these came from Easter Day Farms in Pasco, Washington. I did not see that.

And it's like clearly like written in. So like it's not just like a sign that never changes. Sure. It's always from Pascoe Washington. And even though I'm not going to look into Easter Day farms. Sure. It's nice to know. Knowing that there's that accountability, I'm like, I trust it.

Yeah, yeah. If something goes wrong, you know who to. Who to blame. So to speak. not woke. Not woke. Unwoke, that would be crazy.

No, yeah, I, the potatoes being out, I was like, you guys having storage issues? How do we have the opposite take on everything? Because I'm a skeptic,

a skeptic hater. And you're a sweetie. That's true. That's my biggest flaw is that I'm not a sweetie patiti. Yeah, but you pretend to be. Who? That's the worst part.

Yeah, I do what I do. Yeah, no, but I liked it after the fact. Yeah. It's just I was like, this looks like trash. This looks like trash in the middle of your place. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Sorry, we're on the good stuff still and all I've done is. I'm done with the good. Do you have anything else to put in the good? No, let's keep going. Oh, wait, actually, before we do that, I did like the cashier. I thought he was like very understanding and helpful. You felt shamed. Yeah.

So you can talk about him in the not good. I will talk about it. But I'm going to say you're wrong. I'm going to talk about him in the not good. Okay. Let's do that. Let's go into the not good. This is not so good.

I'm not quite sure about it. The stuff that brings down the... Not good. Not good. Not good. Is that the course? Nope. It's probably close to that.

This is not so good. Is that what you're about it. It could have done without it. The stuff that brings up. brings down the mood. This is just not very good. That's the thing. Yeah.

That's a banger. It is. That's a banger. There's some good music in the show. Yeah. I watch it all the time. Genuinely, though, there's some good music in the show. I will.

Yeah, let's talk about this. Yeah, you felt judged. I didn't, yeah, I felt like I was being shamed. Yeah. So for context. Yes. Our second burger, which is in the not good. and ultimately vindicates the thing that you feel targeted about.

But still, still, still. So the second burger was like, it was a little, little bacon burger with jalapeno's, A1 steak sauce, grilled onion, grilled mushroom. Yeah.

So that sounds really bad, but we picked it. And we were like asking him like, you know, what would go with the, well, we just said jalapeno and a1. And then we were like,

what would go with it? Yeah. And he said, he's like, Oh, well, I wouldn't get those things. He said, I don't eat that kind of stuff. And that is so mean. Which you took is fat shaming, which is crazy.

Like, oh, I only eat salad. That's not how I took it. That's not how I took it at all. It's like, why we're going to five guys? If you don't eat that kind of stuff, that's all you got. That's crazy. I think he was shaming us. I don't get high on my own supply.

Also, we asked for water cups. They gave us water cup. Yeah, he said, oh, we only have one more, like, little water cup. so I'll just give you like a drink cup. And then he just gave us one drink cup. And I'm like, what? We're not going to share a water. This isn't a freaking 1950s at a malt shop.

We're not doing that. Do you think that people in 1950s in malt shops share cups? Well, they had the milkshake on a date. Yeah. And they lady in the trampet. Yeah, well, it's two straws. It's not one straw that gets smaller. It's connected at the bottom.

And you're sucking up the straw. Yeah. Ew. It's like pulling. the air out of their mouth. Oh, that's romantic. Yeah. You take my breath away.

That's where it came from. From a shared milkshake straw. That's really pretty. Yeah. And that guy probably thought that's what we were going to do. Yeah. But we didn't. And I just...

You were a tease. Listen, in his defense, he might have been like 17. That was really coming hard for him. But, uh... He did look like he had his first mustache. Yes, exactly. And he's like, I'll shave it one of these days, but how do I know if it's going to come back?

Yeah. Yeah, we've all been there. I've got it going on right now. But yeah, I don't know. I just didn't like the toad. Yeah. And you didn't take it as to dood. I didn't take it as too.

I didn't take it as let me give you my honest feedback to the question you asked. You see the best in people other than me. No, you've yet to show me good. It's coming. It's coming. But let's talk about this little hamburger with bacon, jalapeno, grilled onion, and grilled mushroom, and A1 steak sauce. It was not my favorite time. Yeah.

The sauce, don't need it. A1 steak sauce, I'm sorry. I just, I can't get into as much as I want. Palinos, no kick, no spice. Mushrooms, too much mush. Too much mush. Too much shroom, I'd say as well. Too much shroom.

Yeah. The texture of the mushrooms didn't love. Grilled onions, okay. Yeah. But like, didn't love it. Just not my favorite burger. You want to do a full dissertation on this bacon now? I know you're topping out the bits to talk about this bacon.

The bacon today. day ruined everything it touched. It did. Every single thing it touched. Two of the burgers had the bacon. One of them was able to overcome it. I got a milkshake that had, look, it's one flavor of milkshake,

which is like vanilla, and then a bunch of like topers or like, or mixins or whatever that you can get. Is it just one flavor? I was misunderstood. They didn't have like chocolate vanilla. It was just milk shake. And then peanut butter was an adding.

Gotcha. Yeah. And then bacon was an option. And I was like, that's crazy. Let's do it. Let's try it. Yeah. And I, and I said bacon first. And then I asked him, what do you think would pair well with this? And he said, I don't really eat that kind of stuff. No. He pretty much did. He said people tend to like it with peanut butter. Oh, he did say that. Which is an earnest recommendation. He made that up. And the peanut butter shake was good. I took my first sip of it. Peanut Butter shake came through. Liked it. Yeah. I was like, didn't really get much bacon in that. didn't realize at the time. Didn't realize at the time what a gift that was. And then we eat our first burger and there's no bacon on it. So I haven't experienced it. Like, wow, everything's so good here. Everything's so perfect.

Then I get a little sip where bacon does come through it. It's like little chopped up bacon bits. And I'm just like, oh, something's off. And I'm like, well, it's probably because it's in ice cream. It's probably just the mix of cream and bacon. Yeah. Probably just doesn't go well. You're really holding on to hope.

But it was bringing it down. And I was like, that's sad. I love bacon. I love bacon so much. Then we have the second burger. And the bacon was just funky. And I was like, well, this has got to be because of the A1. I'm still coping.

I'm still making excuses for the bacon because bacon's bacon. Yeah, yeah. You love bacon. It's so hard to come across bad bacon. And then we have the third burger. And it's actually good. But lo and behold, what's pulling it down? Something's off.

Something's off here. Anchored by bacon. The bacon is the one element. On a barbecue burger, the bacon is the element. You think it's perfect. You think it's perfect. And then what sealed its fate was the hot dog. We got a hot dog that had bacon on it.

And it had so much bacon. And you could see, because it wasn't crumbled, you could see how, like, dried. And you said it looked like non-microwaved microwavable bacon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you buy microwavable bacon. You throw it on the flat top for 10 seconds with the stuff. Yeah. It was like hard.

And there was more bacon than hot dog, I feel. It was like a 50-50 ratio. Yeah. It was very, yeah. And I was just like, yeah, the bacon has been the thing that has ruined everything that it has been a part of. And like some things were still okay despite it. Yeah. How are you dropping the ball here?

No, I don't understand. It was like hard but also like dusty. It was like crumbly. Yeah. It was like crumbly, like it was like we were eating tumbleweeds. Like we're eating tumbleweeds. Like pork tungbleweeds. Ew.

Ew. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what they did. And so little hamburger with bacon ends up in, I mean, honestly, for me, it technically ends up in just there if I'm going off of, but like. What's it called? It was a three for me.

The hot dog with bacon was like, P-U, stinking. The hot dog sucked. I, we each had like a bite and then threw it out. I wrote, The bacon continued to be a problem. It was also flayed in half. Yeah, I guess that's how they do it. And it was just overall, but it was like one of those, like we slice it vertically. Butterfly it.

Could get it like griddle it face down, but it wasn't like gritty. Yeah. I love it when it's got like the little, maybe a little crisp. Yeah. And it didn't have that. It was gross. And it was, it was gross. I went two out of ten on the hot dog.

I hated that hot dog. I really did. I'm too nice. Everyone says that. Never a thing that's true. Everyone says it. Um, yeah. And the hot dog is the only food that technically ended up in the,

and they're not good for me, unless we're like isolating the bacon, in which case, screw you bacon. I'm going point five out of ten. Yeah. On that, on their bacon. I'll say another not good thing. And I'm going to agree with one of the angry elf reviewers on this. The walls, wall to wall, this is the best bird you'll ever have.

Here's a review. Here's a review. You guys are a, you're a chain. You're like a giant. But there's still a wall to wall. a family run business. Yeah. But yes, I will.

I was like, you're not this good. They were at, they are at a point where there is no way that one of the five guys has been, like, I don't believe every five guys location. I don't think every five guys location has had even one of the guys in it. No, absolutely not. And it's like, that's fine. Stop pretending that you're like, no one knows about us. So here's proof that we're good.

Best kept secret. You're five guys. Yeah. There's five of you. Yeah. And I still choose the bear. I still choose the bear. I choose five bears over five guys.

I would too. I could raise them. Yeah. Have your own little pack? Yeah. Bears are like my favorite. I love bears. If I could domesticate any animal, bear.

Yeah. I think same. I, uh, in my first D&D campaign, uh, my first character had a pet bear that he had trained to wrestle him. Cute. Yeah. Cute. His name was Danielson, named after Brian Danielson, my favorite wrestler. Is he a bear?

Is he a person? He's a person, but he had like a running bit on a Saturday morning wrestling show that Vince McMahon apparently didn't watch, despite it being WWE. Therefore, he didn't micromanage it. And as a result, every time Brian Danielson got on commentary, he just kept making jokes about bears. Like he would get on commentary and he'd be like, oh, he's grabbing him like a bear. Like a bear. And like that. And he would just do bear bits.

all over this show for like a two-month run. And I just, that was around the time that I was starting this D&D campaign. So I was like, my pet bear is going to be Danielson. I like that. Yeah. Does your, did your D&D character watch professional wrestling? My D&D character was trying to spread wrestling as a respected art form.

He wants to like bring it to the town. He wants to bring it to the masses and to have it be respected. That's sick. Did he ever succeed? Um, kind of. Oh, not really. He died. Oh.

Did his bear die too? Eventually, but like peacefully. Like that bears die of old age. Yeah. How old does a bear get like? I don't know. 40? No, I don't think they get that old.

Really? I don't, my guess it would be like late 20s. This was not everything about bears. This is a bear podcast, right? Yeah. That's what we're here for? I do want to go to Black Bear Diner for an episode. Oh, I've ordered from there on Postmates.

And it's pretty fine. Yeah. Yeah. Continue. We had a dirty, table next to us for 80% of the male, which didn't affect us. No, but I was keeping an eye on it. I was keeping an eye on it.

And it's just like straw wrappers and like peanut dust. Yeah, I was keeping an eye on it. And I was like, there's no one else here but us. It's not like you're being distracted with other work. Just clean it real quick. Yeah. I beg you. But I think that's just my brain as like as someone who has worked in food service or

whatever. Yeah. And like, just clean stuff. Yeah. Because then what if there's a big surge? And now there's a dairy table and you ruined your entire life. your entire life. You literally did.

Yeah. I care about it less, but I do notice it and it is objectively not good. So I put it here. But that's honestly, I liked this experience much more than I disliked it. So it's like, I think me too. I don't have a lot in the not good. Do you have anything else? Well, I obviously like, everything else for me is just there.

Yeah, yeah. Like, obviously I had issues with like the company I was with. But other than that, I'd say it was a good time. He means it. La, la, la, la. Continue. All right. All right.

So just there. All right. We're going to talk about everything that was middling, but worth noting. This is everything that was just there. Banger. I didn't even write them. That's platinum, baby. Yeah.

I wish I did. Shout out James McInelly, my friend. Shout out James McInelly. You got talent, kid. You're going places. He does. Bacon and peanut butter shake goes in just there. There was just so much more real estate of shake, whipped cream, and peanut butter than the bacon.

So the bacon would be like an occasional thing that ruined it. Sure. But when I was getting only peanut butter sips, it was good. Yeah. I liked it. Yeah, I tasted it. And I was like, yeah, like, there's a fine peanut butter shake. I don't like peanut butter shakes that much.

Yeah. I wrote decent despite itself. Oh. The bacon bits were funky. Yeah. But I went five and a half out of 10 on this shake. I did five. I wanted to like it so much more.

But that bacon. I should have done just like a peanut butter chocolate. Well, yeah. And they also did have like a Reese's one, but for some reason in those situations, don't get the Reese's brand candy. Just get peanut butter and chocolate and it'll mix together in like a fresher way. Interesting. Because Reese's changed their recipe and I'm waiting for them to change it back like a year ago or something.

Really? Yeah. Like for all the candy? For like the cups. Okay, okay. Yeah. I think like their peanut butter is different now. Interesting.

And it tastes like more synthetic. Like it's dusty. It's dusty. Dusty. I hate dusty. I hate dusty. I would assume that's, no offense to any dusties out there watching, but I hate you. Oh, that's fun.

What do you have in just there? Yeah, let's get on to those note cards. Yeah, let's do it. There was like two bulletin boards and they had like note cards with crayons like and then customers, probably kids. Yeah. wrote like, I love five guys. It's so good. And then they clip it up there.

I like that little baby voice. You're so good. I love, five guys. A, there were no more note cards, which means that I couldn't do one. And that pissed me off. B, do they say one or A? We'll find out. Two.

I don't think a lot of them were earnestly from children. Because one of them just said, one of them just said, yum, in big letters. And I'm like, no. This isn't red robin. Yum. Some of them, I'm like, that was definitely from a real person. But some of them were just too like, five guys is a good place to go for good food.

Like, what child wrote this? One who was like, what would I have to write for them to never take mine down? Yeah. Well, there was the one that said, one said five guys in Italy. There was no drawing. It was just those words.

And I'm like, do you want a five guys in Italy? Are you an Italian who's like, I'm here. I love the five. Is that racist? A little bit. I love the five guys. I would have drawn like a very detailed five-headed man. Exactly.

He's the five guy. He's the five guy. Yeah. Or a guy who is the shape of the number five? Yeah. The five guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, that's the issue.

Like meat wad from Rocotine hunger force. Yeah. That's the issue here. I guess what I'm really upset about. Kids ain't created these days. Hey, go off. Yeah, kids Stick it to him

Five guys in Italy Grow up Grow up Have some have some fun That's all you could do Yom One kid One kid he drew Invincible

From the cartoon Invincible And it said Invinza Burger Invinza burger Get out of here I like how you just Shit Talked Arguably the most creative one

As uncreative Invinciburger Invincerburger is terrible You could do, you could do No, I can't think of anything. Yeah, do better. Do better. Invincibi.

I was smart a kid. Good. Am I smarter than a fifth grader? We'll find out. Um, um, keep talking. I'll find something. No,

you're living in this silence. Um, when five guys, okay, I can't think of anything. You are. You're cooked, bro. I wouldn't have done any five, Invincible related stuff. Because that's not my IP.

They could sue that kid. That was actually the owner of it. That was the showrunner of My mistake. My mistake. Yeah. Yeah. And they didn't even have no cards for me

to do anything. Maybe I'm moving this. This isn't just there. This is Stinky doo-doo. Sing the song. This is bad. Stinky do-do. Stinky, stinky Pee-U.

It smells just a little bit like poopy. Thank you very much for your time. Yeah. I thought the peanuts were novel. The peanuts at the front of the star. You went, how do I open a peanut? Okay, okay.

You said that to me. Do I look? Was this your first shelled peanut in your life? I think it was. Because I'm not a circus clown. You kind of are. All right, not professional. You go on stage, you tumble around.

But not at a circus. I've seen you get. get out of the same car as 21 other people. That's true, but that's just because I am petite. No, I don't think I've ever actually eaten like a straight-up peanut before. I didn't imagine you just squish it. They're so fragile. I thought it was going to be like, like you need a...

It's not like a pistachio or a walnut. Well, pistachio even you need it, walnut, that's the one. Yeah. And I was going to be like, hello, sir, can I get a nutcracker for this? How am I supposed to eat this? I'm very happy I didn't because I would have been very, very... Egg on your face. Egg on my face.

Peanut in my mouth. Yeah. You just want to say it to make fun of me a little bit. That's pretty rude. No, no, no. I mean, just like the presence of the peanuts. It's an interesting idea.

Yes, I liked it. It's fine. I ate a lot of them. Leads to a mess, though, which is usually a thing that I... Leads to a mess. I don't like.

I don't like a food where, like, after every bite, I'm like sweeping the table and putting the trash in like a little... And it, like, kind of filled me up almost. I had a lot of peanuts. Yeah. A lot of peanuts. I heard you. I know.

Everyone heard you. slurred before. Yeah. Yeah, so that was an issue for me, especially because they give, the food is so big that I'm like, do you really need free extra food? Especially with your service, fat shaming me. They're not fat shaming. They're saying those ingredients won't taste great together. He was also like, you want that many peanuts? He literally said that to it. Crazy. But yeah, that's all for just there. Do you have anything? No, no. It was anything else about the experience that we didn't. talk about that you want to. I think I did all my complaining.

I said I liked the pipe, but yeah, that was about all. All right. Don't look at the, no. All right. Well, we have to put all of this together into a score, but before we can do that, say if this is your first time,

joining me for the fine dining podcast. You haven't been to the 150-ish restaurants I've been to, so you need to calibrate your ends of the spectrum. Sure, sure, sure. So we are going to jump into the calibration station. Oh, because we're at the station. I know, I didn't get it.

Yeah. Safe, the worst restaurant, a zero out of ten, the best restaurant, a ten out of ten. I want to hear your personal stories. Whichever one you want to start with, go for it. I'll start with the zero, because you always start with bad news first. And this isn't a restaurant. This is like a bakery that's like right where I live. And technically the food is good.

But it is the first place I've ever stopped going to because they're just so rude. Like, yeah, every time, do I name drop it? Is that like, it's called Papillon Bakery? I think there's multiple. There's one right next to me. Yeah. Every time I step foot in there, there's audible. I'm like, did I do something?

And then I asked them like, oh, like, can I just have this one? Can I have a Paroshky, please? And like, it'll be 30 minutes. And I'm like, there's no one else here. Like they're just mad to have a customer. Yeah, I guess. And they're so rude about it. You think they're a drug front where it's like, look, we're just here to launder money.

Why are you showing up asking actual service about it? I don't know. They must be. Because that happens sometimes where it's just like you show up to a business. It's not a legit business. But they have to pretend to be one. And then they're just like, well, and that's the kicker. That's what sucks.

Yeah, it's like, why are you wasting your fake business? Just become a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, they are so rude. It's next door so I can never order from there because that's so embarrassing. The thought of a postmate's being like, that's two minutes away. They're just so rude to me. And I go in and every time I have gone in, I've done it with like, I'm just going to, like,

give this a different energy. Maybe they don't like what I'm doing. And every time I met with like... So you get like a disguise. Yeah, yeah, we're like a fake mask. Like, hello, I love, do your stuff. Give to me your good food. And they go.

And let me pay you extra. Yes, let me tip you a million dollars. And they go, ugh. They like hold it out. It's... Yeah. And it really hurts my feelings. And so now I don't go anymore.

I haven't gone in months. Yeah. Even though I used to try to go because it was so good. Yeah. And sometimes service. is the make or break. And I think that's the only instance. Like, that's the only place where it's so bad that I don't go.

Yeah. Because if, like, there's good food in other places, I'll be like, whatever, you're kind of a dick. But this is yummy. Yeah. But they, like, I feel like they're about to hurt me, like, physically. Like, they feel mad. And they've got, like, a giant back room where there might be drugs. Will I get sued?

If I say, I feel like this is a lawsuit. It was nervous laughter. What happened? It was a nervous. laugh. I can't afford to be sued. Yeah. He's not paying me for this. All right.

And then your best? My best, this is so pretentious. My best dining experience was a restaurant in Barcelona. Where I, Barcelona. There it is. I'm not doing that again because I already did the Italian accent and I'm pushing my luck. But it was the best food I've ever had. I got some.

Do you remember what it was called? I don't remember the restaurant because I was like invited. I'm sorry that. I have no names. I got a paella. Best goddamn food I've ever had in my life. I had a paella that an ex-girlfriend of mine's family made for me in Valencia, Spain. And it was one of the best. It's phenomenal.

One of the best things I've ever had. Yeah. And then there were like eel croquettes. And I don't know if you've had a croquette, but they are. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Kind of like what they do at poros? They do it at poros, but this one was like black, like ink eel, something. So it was like, I only had two. Cook deal or was it like kind of like Unagi, like sushi?

It was cooked. I guess they torch Unagi typically, don't they? I ain't a chef. I ain't a habachi chef. I could be wrong. All that matters is that the food was so good. And they were the sweetest people in the world. My food came out at the same time.

My, like, I was like, can't get this first and this second or whatever? and it came out at the same time and I was like, that's fine, whatever. And they were like, we'll just like, you don't have to pay for this thing. I was like, what? I'm fine. Just because the pacing was awful kind of bit.

It was like the best experience. And I was just like my whole family. So maybe I'm moving to Spain and, I'm going to eat there for the rest of my life. All right. It also wasn't that expensive. It's better there than it is here.

Okay. I'll say that. Take that America. Okay. Well, somewhere, between they're so nice to me and they're mean to me. Maybe that's my issue. Why's today's meal.

Yeah. At Five Guys. Sure. We got to put it to the Chili's Test. It's not to set scale. Will it pass or will it fail? Isn't the worst. It's the best.

Let's put it to the Chili's test. So five guys is a place that like I said has kind of gone up in reputation every time I've gone. And I felt like today it. peaked at probably where it's ever going to get for me. This is the best five guys experience, you think? Yeah. Damn. That I've had.

Even with that mean, even with stuff that I didn't really care for and even with a bad batch of bacon. Wow. I thought that this was like, okay, I kind of get what Five Guys is about now. Is it my favorite? No, but it was genuinely a, I thought, not just a good restaurant. I thought this was a really good place. Sure.

I wouldn't go so far as to say great, but the burgers, I'm hoping that I just got unlucky with the bacon or that this location specifically just isn't great with bacon. And if I go to other five, because I feel like I've had good bacon experiences at five guys in the past. Yeah, definitely. This isn't the usual, I don't think. But like their fries are next level. Yes. Their milkshakes, bacon aside.

Mine is good, yeah. Good. Yeah. And like burgers fry in a milkshake. Like, that's such a classic meal. American staple. It's so good. And I thought that they did it well.

Yeah. There were things that detracted, but overall I came away from this liking it more than I expected, and I would call it very good. Not great. What's the number on that? 7.21. Whoa. Okay, so I'm looking at this list. Ultimately, it was a good experience.

I am not upset. I enjoyed the food that I ate, hated that that guy called me a piggy, pretty much. Like, hot, huh. Oh, oink. That's crazy, and that's not going to get on this podcast. Oh, absolutely, it is. No, yeah, I hate that that guy was mean to me. I literally just pushed your nose into a big shape, and you're like, the way the cashier was mean.

He knows that he meant. But it was a good food. It was good food. It was good, like, it was chill. The music was at a reasonable volume. I wasn't like, what's he saying? Yeah. But yeah, I just think it's like, I'm never going to be like, you guys got to go to five guys.

It's so good. I don't love five guys. The only people I would recommend go to five guys is a group of five guys together. And probably for the novelty. Just for the bad. Oh, you five guys should go to five guys. That'd be five guys and five guys. Get five guys together.

They're going to kill each other. Yeah. Men hate each other. Yeah. So if I had to say like a number, it's like, just over average. It's like a 603. So it's like so barely good.

Yeah, it's like it is positive, but yeah, like if that guy went, I would have said, four. Okay. Probably. So yeah, like 603,

good time, but not a great time. Yeah. Not even close. Okay. Well, when you put your score together with my score,

five guys. goes up on the Chotchky of Mediocity at A 6.62. 6.62. So what's that better? Chili's. That's all that matters. Better than Chili is objectively good.

Is that an original? No, that's actually. Really? Yay. We did it. We won. Five guys won. Okay.

Well, yeah, five guys will be in the Septemberger tournament. So keep your eyes peeled. But we've given you a lot of previews. So keep an eye out. And I will be sending out brackets that you can fill out. And you can try and guess who wins the whole tournament based on the information that you're gathering from this recording. And you'll get the actual scores at the start of Septemberger. But we're not at Septemberger yet.

I got to go somewhere next week. So I'm going to turn to the You Must Bowl, which is hidden behind the September Gert Championship belt. I got it. What is in this culture, an audience? And I got to figure out where am I going next week. Wait, shouldn't I do it because I'm the guest? No, scre you.

What the hell? Next week on the Fine Dining Podcast, I will be going to Slice House by Tony Gem and Yanny. Slice House. That'll be fun. I know. Slice House. Slice House by Tony Giamignani, the world pizza champion. What? Who voted that?

Naples, the city of Naples, Italy. I used to live in Naples, Florida. Do your Italian. I'm a Tony Giamini. I have the best of pizza in order to do an end. Crazy. Let's save so much for joining me. Thank you. Thanks so much for joining me. Thank you.

It was so fun. This was very fun. Podcasting with you. Always. Tolerating each other for a prolonged amount of time. Getting to talk and hear myself talk in my ear, it's literally a dream come true. Tell people where they can find you on social media. Hi, at Safe for Humee on Instagram.

That's pretty much all I post on. I have a TikTok. You can follow me there at Safe for H-R-H-H-H-H-R-U-M-I. Venmo at Save me, send me some money. See what the vibe is. See what the vibe is. Safe R-E-I-H-O-U-M-I. Wow, you actually go at a slow, deliberate pace when you're asking for

a Venmo. Hey, I learned. And you can Venmo me at M-D-O-N-L-S. That's O-N-L-A-S. That's O-R-N-E-L-S. That's O-N-E-L-A-S. That's not going to do that.

Yeah. Love you. And you can also follow this podcast on Instagram and TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast. That's F-I-N-E-D-I-N-G. P-O-D-C-A-S-T. I just fucking killed that. Okay.

And I also have a Discord where you can come chat with me. The link for that is in the description. of all of my episodes. And I've got a Patreon if you want to support the show. I always appreciate that. Get exclusive episodes, exclusive segments, little interviews,

little bonuses, and everything supports the show. Any money you sent to me on Venmo, 10% will go to his Patreon. That's not true. He will keep it all. In fact, he'll probably charge me.

Well, that is another one in the books. I will see you all next week. Thank you so much for listening. I love each and every one of you. Have a fine day. Well, there's another one in the folks. We judge the service up to the cooks.

And while we may have gotten a couple of dirty love, Bernie can never stop. Now, from the bottom down to the top, we got things on lock. And that's good. We got the ribs of main course. We've got to be little in the middle. Yeah.

So now it's got to be the lock for what we use when we put things up. on the charge gate books yet there's another one in the books and we will see you next a week and next a week baby