Fine Dining - Long John Silver's Walks the Plank

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

🏴‍☠️🐟🍟 Long John Silver's Review: Pirate Music, Fried Sea Water, and Puke Breaks 🍟🐟🏴‍☠️ We're back with Part 2 of Long John Silver's, and my cousin Emma Danger returns as we finally taste what the seafood chain has to offer. There are a few bright spots. The pirate-style orchestral covers of popular songs are delightful, and the Captain's Bell looming overhead feels like a reward we desperately wanted them to earn (though they didn't). Unfortunately, most of the visit sails straight into rough waters, from questionable plumbing ergonomics to fried bits that taste suspiciously like the ocean itself. 🐟 Fried Everything (Including the Grilled Shrimp I tried to Order) 🍟 Waffle Fries and Hush Puppies Join the Feast 🍫 Chocolate Cheesecake Tries to Save the Day (and yes, I actually try it) 🧂 Krumbs That Taste Like "Fried Sea Water" 🚽 Toilet Flushers So High You're Forced to Use Your Hands (Who does that??) 🎶 Surprisingly Great Pirate Orchestrations of Popular Songs 🥤 Emma's Favorite Item of the Meal Is...a Pepsi 🎙️ Emma Shares the Best and Worst Meals of Her Life (including her best giving her imposter syndrome) 📊 Long John Silver's Faces The Chili's Test 💬 COMMENT BELOW: Are Long John Silver's Krumbs a delicacy or a disaster? 📢 SUPPORT THE SHOW & JOIN THE COMMUNITY: 🎉 Patreon (Bonus episodes, extended Yelp segments & more): patreon.com/finediningpodcast 💬 Discord (Food talk, memes, cursed Yelp): discord.gg/6a2YqrtWV4 🎥 Watch full episodes: youtube.com/channel/UCLbraNhL6KhDPkdSWt2yiuw 🔗 All links: linktree.com/finediningpodcast 🎤 Guest: Emma Danger Patreon Producers:Sue Ornelas & Joyce Van Patreon Subscribers:David Ornelas, Kellie Baldwin, Jeremy Horwitz, Herbert Amaya, Simone Davalos, Scott Bennett, Amy Reinhart, Josef Castaneda-Liles, & Travis Langley Free Patreon Followers:Joe Warszalek, Lauren Cummings, Grace Krainak, Keri Estes, Robert Duran, Patrick Elliott, Michelle Elmer, Dave Plummer, Nicholas Volney, Michael Gerard, Tracy Molino, Phuong Duong, Tyler Robinson, Brandon Gully, Mason Cruz, Michael Milito, Mez, Aaron Hubbard, Steff, Robert McLaughlin, Jewell Hermann, Renae Michael 👉 NEXT WEEK: For the 100th restaurant on the main podcast feed, we dive into the world of ghost kitchens with Spooky Foodie (Ansley Layne), focusing on The Burger Den, the Denny's-created delivery-only concept.

Is Long John Silver's a warning for how bad fast food can get? The pirate-style cover songs made this dining room feel epic, but even my iron stomach felt seasick after this maiden voyage. The interior decoration had adorably themed booth benches, but their fried batter they like to call crumbs, tasted like fried seawater. They have a literal captain's bell you can ring if they do a good job, but when the waffle fries taste bland and freezer burned,

they deserve to walk the plank. As a fast food aficionado who is always viewed Long John Silver's as a risky proposition at best, I asked the question, did Long John Silver's, the subway of seafood, improve my opinion of them today? Or am I telling them to get wrecked, shipwrecked, that is? I may or may not have spent my whole meal wishing for an iceberg, if you know what I mean. Stay tuned. This is the Fine Dining Podcast. Your table's ready. Take your seat.

The flavor of the day is mediocrity to try. Hello and welcome back to fine dining, the quest to compare all restaurants to Chili's. I am your host Michael Ornellis, and this is the first podcast that used Chili's, the absolute midpoint in restaurant dining, as a point of comparison to see if all other restaurants are good or not good. By the end of this episode, we will answer the question every explorer searching for the lost treasure of Blackbeard himself was wondering. Is Long John Silver's better than Chili's?

Today, we're going to tell you everything that was good, not good, and just there about our meal at Long John Silver's before we give it a score at the end of the episode. And joining me today to discuss Long John Silver's as legitimately one of my favorite recurring guests. I first took her to Chucky Cheese for the podcast when she was just 13 years old back in season one. She's my second cousin once removed, she can drive a car now, but she's been driving me insane for years. It's Emma. Oh, that was so beautiful. Thank you so much. Welcome back. Thanks for coming. I was just a baby when I first came on. You were. We drove so far. We drove really far for that.

To go to this Long John Silver's. It was in Bakersfield. I was falling asleep on the way back. I think you saw that. Yeah. Well, I also think it was like a little bit fried food coma. For sure. He was really long, though. Yeah, we went to Long John Silver's in Bakersfield, which, who goes to Bakersfield? For a meal, that, I mean, we'll just get into it. But we left hungry. I felt sick. I literally, as we're talking about this, I feel sick to my stomach. Yeah. All right. Well, let's start with the positives. We're going to talk about everything that is good. I don't like it should be. Best up my spank or sticking the land. And this is good. I know that you could. I don't have a lot in this category. But there were something. that I did genuinely enjoy. Okay, that's valid. I feel like we all have those things.

Pirate orchestration music. Of course. So intense and dramatic. When we walked in, it was like the soundtrack of Pirates of the Caribbean, Caribbean. I say Caribbean, but it depends on the first. But the song was Sweet dreams. Sweet dreams are made of things. But violin and like intense.

It's very intense. And then that was just kind of the soundscape for the entire meal. I feel very submerged. I think immersed is. Submerged because it's water. Yeah, but you hope to not be submerged. You want to, when you're on a ship, you don't want to be underwater. Yeah, but it's water.

It's water themed. You can laugh now. Thank you. Thank you. I have another good thing that I literally crossed out because I ended up moving it out of the gun. What was it? I'll get to it later. What's a good thing you had?

I had the music was intense. You liked the music. I did. The fish cups, they had like the where you fill up your soda. They're cups. I loved their cups. And we have one. Okay. Yeah.

Let's do this. So when you order a beverage, you get just a cup. Look, most places have branded cups. But theirs, let's show the other side, has like a decree written on it. And I'm going to ask. ask you to do a dramatic read of this cup. First of all, it says, feed your sea tooth on John Silver's, which doesn't mean anything.

Sweet tooth, seed tooth, because it's fried fish. Yeah. Okay. Can you put like really awesome pirate music over this? You got it. You know what's awesome about fish? They never complain. Say mean things on social meter.

Commit road rage. Sorry. Already great. Commit road rage. No, they don't, period. They're shiny in the underwater embodiment of good karma. But most of all, fish make our mouths water. And to that we say, fish, yeah.

So when America needs her sea tooth fed, can we bring fish from the seas? They swim in directly to your plate. Fish, yeah. Can we take shrimp from the deep blue to golden-fried perfection? Fish, yeah! Can we give you that warm and crumblies? Crumblies?

Crumblies? Feeling you can only otherwise get on a beach. When it comes to Long John Silver's, the answer is always an empathetic. Fish, yeah! Because we are America's favorite seafood experience. Fish. Fish. Fish, fish, fish, fish.

Fish. Yeah. That hurt. Like, that's so dramatic. Yeah. But I don't hate it. I love it. That's why I wrote it in the good.

Yeah. I love psychobabble. And that felt like the not quite as psychotic as a Dr. Bronner's soap container. I could have done it more chaotic. Do you know Dr. Brunner's soap? Yeah.

Those are sarcantic. Those are crazy. Those are insanity. This at least has self-awareness. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. The theming across the whole restaurant was actually good. I really liked it.

They have a pirate standee in the corner. No, I loved that guy. It was so funny. With like his hand on his hips. He looked disappointed in you a little bit. Like a parent. Because we're going to Long John Silver's. He knows.

He knows. He was like, oh, you're here? Hmm. I thought you were better than this. I like, I don't know if this, I can say this now, but I liked how the guy who was taking our order, we told him we were like, drove like a long way away and he was like what?

Why? Yeah. I've gotten that before. Really? I've done long drives for like I drove to Baker's field to pick up a Papa Murphy's pizza and they just cut. They were like, oh. Good for you, I guess.

Yeah. But this in all facets leaned into pirate theming. There's a coffee maker behind the counter that had a pirate hat on it. And at the base of it. Oh, yeah. had what's your pirate name? Which, by the way, I couldn't see.

I couldn't read it. I had to zoom in on my phone to like actually. I could barely read it. It looked like it had been like through like a lot. Like it looked really gross kind of. But it was like three names based on your first initial middle name initial and last initial. And last name. Mine was surly fishmonger sea wolf, which I would, I wouldn't be caught dead going by that name.

That's not a good pirate name. I'm going to call you that surly fish something. Seawolf. Great. Oh, so sorry. Do you remember yours? Something fishmonger sparrow. Mad fishmonger sparrow.

I'd go by that. Mad fishmonger sparrow. That's my new name. You may now address me by that. Okay. So, Mad, about your time at Long John Silver's, was there anything else? Oh, you did enjoy the boothbacks. They were cute.

I liked, um, in the, there were like, on the two sides of it where we sat, there were like, just like words. There was like R and C and stuff. Ar. Slaw. Oh, yeah. They were advertising their items. Fish, shrimp. But what I really liked was at the front by the window, they were these cute, like,

like, it was very, like, retro aesthetic, and it was, like, blue, and it had, like, white, and it was, like, very, like, classic diner, like, cute. It had, like, a little anchor. I was like, oh, like, that's cute. I think it's really cute. I also really enjoy the presence of the captain's bell. I do. It's collecting dust, but I like it.

I like it there. Yeah, I'm just like, you ring it to say that they did a good job. And in good conscience, I can't eat that meal and then ring it. Yeah, I did want to ring it just to ring it, but it didn't deserve it. My stomach was very against it. And it was also right next to the bathrooms. And that was scary. I also like the Pepsi.

But I have, I tried to add as much good as I can just for the content of it. And they do still have Pepsi products because they are or were a Yum brand restaurant. And Yum, I believe is. It's Pepsi. Like I think they're literally a subsidiary of Pepsi Not even just they have a deal with them But I got a cherry Pepsi And it was the highest rated thing that I had

I had rated a 9 out of 10 And I got a dull Strarberry Lemonade is what they called it That's great Was it good? Was it in the good? It was fine enough I gave it a 6 out of 10

Which is like a mercy good I'm looking at this and I'm regretting Putting the rest of these things in the good I mean if you don't believe it still You can move them Yeah, I'm going to move them to just there, I think. Okay. That's all the good.

This has not been a long chat about positives. Yeah. Are you ready to talk about the not good? I am so ready. All right. Let's jump into the not good. This is not so good. I'm not quite sure about.

It could have done without it. The something brings down the mood is. Everything on the menu. That's it. That's all you need to know. I had. I had six food food items in just there. And I had several in not good.

But basically, my drink was the only thing in good. Yeah. So as far as not good, the worst thing that we had, I thought, were the waffle fries. The waffle fries. It made me really sad. You were so excited to see a waffle fry. I mean, where I live, we don't really have that many, like, chain restaurants or fast food where you can get fries, especially not waffle fries. Yeah.

And the only place, relative. relatively close to me that I can get waffle fries is Chick-fil-A and I don't support Chick-fil-A. Yeah. And it's like, still like a 30-minute drive away. And I love waffle fries. Yeah. I love waffle fries. So this physically pained me because I remember you were like, oh, what do you want on

aside? I was like, it's the only thing I wanted. And I was devastated. Surely you can't mess up waffle fries. It's really hard to mess up waffle fries. They waffled it. These were so hard, like physically. Yeah, they were crunchy.

And I was like, I took my first bite. I was like, oh, they're crunchy. That's kind of nice. But they weren't hard in a crunchy good way. They were hard in a like maybe a little stale definitely were frozen at one point and like cut the roof of your mouth kind of way. Yeah. They tasted thought out. Oh, for sure.

You could literally taste the water. I know how what long drawn silver's freezer tastes like. Yeah. And freezer burn is a taste where like it's so specific and it has to be such a high quantity of it to ruin an item. I gave these a 1.5 out of 10. I really did not like these waffle fries. I'm a lot more generous than you are, so I gave it a 2 out of 10. Generous.

But I wrote, and I just really think you can convey my feelings with this. So I wrote, not good. Waffle fries, sad face emoji, but not like the actual emoji, like the two, like semicolon and the, or like an emoticon. Like an emoticon. And I wrote so bad. So bad. Two out of ten. Very disappointing. From a cleanliness standpoint, I wrote, they had, so they had like a ketchup dispenser.

They had a whole counter full of different sauces and stuff. Yeah, that was gross. The shrimp sauce was oozing out. Out of the canister. And it wasn't out of the, like, nozzle. It was like the entire rectangle. Yeah. It was a, it was a seep.

And they had, like, like, vinegar bottles that were all, like, a quarter-fill. and they were just lined up and it was really scary and I thought I was going to get like a deadly disease for watching those. But the messiness of like just that puddle, not a fan. I didn't write the name of it. I wrote, it feels like I just ate fried seawater, four out of ten. Oh, the crumbs. Yeah, the crumbs. I knew it was the crumbs, but I felt like I had to say it like that.

I have the crumbs in just there, but I scored them a four out of ten, which is literally the cutoff point between not good and... I put it in not good because I felt like it. Yeah. But I gave it a four. Yeah. I thought it was like a separate dish. This is the thing where I went to, I went to stay at the Hooters Hotel in Vegas.

Good for you. For an episode. But my friend Alex, who I did that episode with was telling me about the Krispies, not even necessarily like a you have to get them kind of way. Just like a, do you know about it? He was referencing them for some reason.

Yeah. So I thought it was like a side dish. And so I ordered them. them. They came up on the receipt as crumbs with a K. So I assume that's the official thing. But in further researching, it looks like they don't have an official name. They're known as the Krispies or Crumbs. And it's kind of like, uh, no consensus. No consensus. It's not like an official thing they sell because it is literal friar trash. It is like, wait, that's gross. What's the breading that's like left over in the fryer? And so our, a couple of our dishes were literally served

over a bed of them essentially. Yeah. So that's what they were. It was gross. It literally tasted like fried seawater. I don't disagree with that. I just liked it more than you did. Yeah. I'm not a salt. And by the way, enough to give it a four. Oh, I did give it a four. But I'd like to change my answer to a 3.5 out of spite. I see how you operate. Grilled shrimp was actually fried. So salty. I literally was like, oh, I want to get one of the grilled things.

and then we just got deep fried shrimp. Yeah. And I didn't catch it until it was too late. And I was like, I'm not going to go up there and swap these out. But I did want to try something that wasn't fried there to see if it was good. And I just didn't get the opportunity. Do that. Yeah.

I said fish, period, salty, period, weird, weird, period. Three out of ten. I wrote, tasted like what it was, but saltier. I gave it three and a half out of ten. I, this was a generous sized fish filet. It was pretty lit. They were like trapezoidal. They were and it scared me and I didn't like that.

Yeah, I don't know. This is the thing that I thought tasted definitively fishy. Yeah. I didn't like it. Yeah, and I'm a seafood fan. Most people don't like seafood, I feel like. Yeah. I like seafood.

There's also the fried clams. I had the fried clams and not good. I think you had it in just there. Yeah. I wrote better than expected but still tasted like I quote unquote shouldn't. Shouldn't eat them. Eat them. Oh, of course. Like it, like it tasted like a thing that was going to upset me.

Yeah. And they had a very fishy flavor in a way to where I doubted their freshness. And the stuff that was really making my stomach churn after the meal, I attribute to the fried clams. Really? Yes. I don't know what got my. I just didn't like an owl of it. It was all so greasy.

So three out of ten on the fried clams, three and a half out of ten on the fried fish, Great. But everything and literally everything that I ate got worse in subsequent bites. Nothing maintained its quality because sometimes you have like that first bite and you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. Nothing was better on the second bite. Every single thing got worse.

And to be fair, there were some things where I didn't take a second bite. I did that with a lot of them. I think I have to put in the not good the idea that I was one and done on so much of their food. So much. Just as an overall blanket statement, I didn't want more of this. Yeah. We left hungry. We left hungry.

We left hungry. We went to Texas Roadhouse to get rolls. Except I, my stomach was hurting so bad. I genuinely, when we first finished, I was like, I think I'm going to puke. Like, this is so bad. Yeah. And we were going, since we were just kind of took one bite out of everything and then left it, we were throwing stuff out.

guy at the booth next to us was going, like, clutching his pearls. How dare you waste that food? I'm like, look, the food wasted itself. And look,

I'm very, very big on the idea of I don't like food waste. Yeah. And I especially don't like food waste that an animal died to create. Of course. Like,

I'll throw away a broccoli. Yeah. But like a hamburger, like a chicken, like I'll try to save it for as long as I can. And here I felt bad about it, but I was like, there's no way I'm going to put any more

of this in my system. I feel so bad for those fish that got sacrificed. Yeah. Sacrifice? Yeah. Like it was like a ritual. Like imagine you're like, oh, I'm a fish. Oh, no, I've been caught.

And me and my brother have been caught and we're going away and we're getting separated. I'm so sad. And here I go. And then your brother goes to like some really fancy Michelin Star restaurant. And then you just go to Long John Silver's. And it's like, this is what I died to become. That's awful. My death was in vain, bloop, bloop.

Yeah. That's what he would sound like. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. I wrote, I feel seasick. Is that the gimmick? That's so funny. That's like actually.

I did feel very seasick. I was like, oh, this is authentic to being on a boat. Yeah. I wouldn't say that I have a particularly strong stomach, but I don't have a weak stomach either. And I've never thrown up after a meal unless I was actually like sick. Like I had a previous underlying condition. but this has been the closest I've ever gotten to throwing up because of how food has tasted or been. Yeah, I mean, and for me, it's just kind of like how it settles. It doesn't settle well.

It's overly salty, overly fried. And like, look, look at the chotchky of mediocrity. Yeah. I am very okay with greasy, oily, salty, fatty. All of it. Like, those things can be delicious. They can be. And sit with you well and be done right.

And here it just wasn't. It was so not good. It literally felt like I was a hydraulic press trying to push these things down. It was brutal. I could feel it like settling like right here like in my digestive check. And I was like, that's not making it out alive. So one of the interesting bits of history that we kind of glossed over from last week, the company that started Long John Silver's was Jericho or Jericho. J-E-R-R-I-C-O.

And Jericho's or Jericho's origin was a White Castle knockoff called White Tavern. The inspiration for this company getting into the restaurant game was White Castle, who if you look is my second lowest rated spot. At a 1.11. On the Chotchke. So if that's your inspiration for creating food in the first place. That's bad. And then you make a seafood joint.

It kind of explains to me why everything feels bad, feels low quality, doesn't taste good. Yeah. Yeah. This is a really weird example, so please don't judge me. But you know the series Twilight? I haven't seen it, but I know of it. Yeah. It's considered, it's a good series, but it's like one of those series that's like it's so bad.

It's good. Right. And it is, I think it's either so bad. It's either a fan fiction of 50 Shades of Gray or 50 Shades of Grey is a fan fiction of Twilight. Now, I've never seen 50 Shades of Gray, but I've heard things. Right. 50 Shades was inspired by Twilight. I see why you're bringing.

Do you see why I'm bringing it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One gets worse. Like if the thing that got you into the game is also not good, what's your ceiling. Yeah, that's the only example I had. So that's what I was trying to get at. All right. So when I go to a place that I'm unfamiliar with or that I have, like, I don't know the menu or like, it's kind of stuff that I haven't really tried.

I always try to find like a safety food, like something that I will keep going back to that I can keep eating and stuff like that. Like your main dish? Like my main dish where like if I didn't like this or I didn't like this, I have something that I know and that I like and that I keep kind of just keep coming back to. Yeah. I didn't have one. It was so bad.

And I think the thing that was my safety food that was closest was like my Pepsi. And that was really sad. I was so bad. I actually eat similarly, I think. Yeah. I'm very much like I have my dish. and then I have stuff that I'm trying. Yeah, exactly.

And there was nothing here that felt like, oh, well, this is my dish. No, that I can, like, come back to as like a pallet cleanser. Yeah. This one made you laugh when we were there. It felt like when you were eating, like I was on the interviewing show, hot ones. Yeah. It was like salt ones. It was like salt ones where it's like, I'm eating.

I'm like, why would you do this? I'm just a baby. And I'm like asking you interview questions. It was just so gross. On Twitter, you said Millie Bobby, ground was your inspiration for blah blah blah blah blah yeah it was just so evil and i literally i got like flashbacks to me watching them as people like suffer and died yeah and that's what it felt like and it did feel like progressively saltier and saltier and it just it was just so evil yeah it was just so

evil let's see what else i have oh this the rest of this is just me being sick i'm literally shaking i'm gonna fro up i feel delirious i'm sweating my heart is pounding yeah that was my Those were all things. Those were all like overheard at the LJS. Yeah. It's a horror movie experience. My last note in the Not Good. I just wrote, why is the cheesecake served in a coffin?

It was. The shape of the box was telling. I think a lot of shapes and that was very trapezoidal in there, I feel like. Yeah. Like the food wise. It was either like a curly shape or it was trapezoidal. Yeah, a lot of unnatural shapes and then a coffin that. the cheesecake looks like it's served in.

Rest in piece coffin. It's your death wish. It feels like, hey, you're here. This will accelerate your demise. It's the end. Yeah. Because it's a coffee. Because it's dessert.

Yeah. It's a cough. Okay. Anyways. Well, that's everything for not good, right? All right. We're going to jump into everything that is just there. This is a weird one.

I sure what to say about it. But the stuff that is just. You mentioned having a main food. Yeah. I have a safety food. anytime I get it. And even here, it wasn't as good as it normally is.

Yeah. Corn. Corn is corn. It's corn. Corn. How do you mess up corn? I don't think they did. But it's not, like it was too buttery.

It had like a weird flavor to it. It's like they tried to add seasoning or something and it just didn't work out. To me, to me, it was very buttery and like it was a sweet corn that maybe wasn't as sweet as normal. I gave it a six, but I put it in just there. I did give it a six, and I put it in just there. So it's like, it's not like it's terrible, but the entire achievement of this dish is just the fact that it's corn, not because of what Long John Silver's did with corn. It's corn. It's corn. It's there. It's corn.

Hush puppies. Oh, my God. If these are the thing that people are bragging about. Don't, that's depressing if that's the thing you're bragging about. They're just there. Like, I didn't think that they're. were not good, but... No, they were thick.

They were very thick. They were very salty. They were a little too brettie, like a little too dense. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. They're very dense. And they were lukewarm. I think most of the things there were lukewarm.

And this wasn't a case of, oh, well, it cooled off because I spent too much time taking pictures and videos. I feel like I got that done pretty quickly. Pretty fast. So I don't feel like stuff was like sitting for a while. Yeah. Four and a half out of ten on the hush puppies for me. I was very generous with this.

But the thing is, is I wrote, hush puppies. First bite was good. I kept eating and regretted it. I took one bite. I think I took a couple more bites. And it was just that I didn't have too many bites where I couldn't rate it properly. So I gave it a seven. Give it a seven.

I feel like, I don't know why that's in just there. That's not even in just there. That's good. I don't think it was good though. So I'm going to give it like a five or six, a five point five. I'm going to bump it down. I'm bump it down. I'm bumping it down.

All right. Now that I'm thinking about it. I don't know why it's there. Yeah. I have heartburn today. And I had a little bit of heartburn going in yesterday. Yeah. Because it's the holidays and I've been eating like a psychopath.

But it didn't help that I still feel Long John Silver's in my system today. I felt so sick. Do you feel sluggish today? I feel very sluggish. But also I was crying hysterically at the theater last night. But I do feel like after that. the entire day I did feel delirious. Like, I think you caught me a few times and I was just like staring off into space.

I think that was Joyce. I don't think that was you. Yeah. But I was staring off as much. And that was your brain chemistry readjusting to the grease. Like, I don't think I'm ever going to be the same. I feel like it was a traumatic experience. Yeah, yeah.

Why would you do that to me? For content. What's something you have in just there? I said clams. I remember I told my dad. I was like, oh, we're going to go to Long John Silver's. And he was like, you have to get the clams. They're an experience.

I'm like, what does that mean? And he's like, I'm not telling you. they're an experience, get them. And then the experience is you finding out that the toilet flusher is way too high. Yes. Oh, that's another thing. Should I say just there? Sure. Yeah.

I didn't write. I wrote mostly food stuff in my, my categories. I didn't write experiences. So afterwards, I feel sick to my stomach. I think I'm going to throw up. I go to the bathroom because I need to go to the bathroom. And I walk in. Yeah.

I walk in and those like toilet flusher things you have in public restrooms, you know the thing you like stomp on to flush the toilet. Because no one does it with their hands. If you do, you're a freak. If you're flushing public toilets with your hands. You have hepatitis C. Stop it. Use your foot like a normal person.

And not your bare foot. No, God, no. Crazy. Just use, I use my foot and I flush it and then it's on my bottom of the shoe because it deserves to be there. Yeah. This was so comically high that if. It's like three and a half feet in the air.

It's very tall. Yeah. I feel like. I took a photo of it. I'm not going to show it, but like it was very comically high. I mean, I feel like if you were either too short or like you weren't flexible,

you weren't going to be able to kick it. Because I'm kind of a dancer. I stopped doing dance, but I'm pretty flexible. And this was kind of a high kick for me. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a dancer.

Kind of a dancer. I used to be better. Kind of a dancer. Kind of a dancer. Yeah. I think that they were doing that to be polite to people who they assume are flushing with their hands. Who does that?

psychotic behavior. Everyone kicks. Yeah. Everybody kicks. And if you don't, again, hepatitis seeds coming for you. But I remember being so delirious. Hey, it's a young brand's place. Hep C and Pepsi. Hey. Anyways. For the popcorn shrimp with shrimp sauce, I wrote, it tasted like we're rolling the dice. It tasted like a gamble. Yeah. I did like the shrimp sauce. I thought it was fine. I thought it gave it a flavor other than this is fried. I feel like it didn't taste like anything though. So like the sauce or the shrimp. Like the sauce didn't.

I feel like it gave, it had more flavor than most things, but it still didn't have a flavor. It was very white. Yeah. To me, everything tasted like briny. Yeah. I would say that straight off of whale. Yeah. I said, tasted good.

We'll give me food poisoning later, six out of ten. Or four at ten. Sorry. I just read that. Okay. I gave it a four out of ten as well. Yeah. Again, and it just tasted like, look, popcorn shrimp should be delicious.

Popcorn shrimp is usually very good. It's popcorn shrimp. It's really hard to mess up popcorn. Trim. Why are you saying popcorn shrimp? Papcorn shrimp because I'm going now Midwestern. Hey, that's close to a Canadian accent. Wait, I used to do a Canadian accent.

I don't remember. I think I could do it. I used to do it at hockey games. Yeah. I'm sorry. I can't say that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I had the crumbs in just there, literally fried batter scrapings. Yeah. Like fried salt water, as you said. Four out of ten. The fried chicken tenders I have in just there. So salty. Look, everything. here was so salty.

So salty. Suspiciously chewy. I said that too. I said very chewy. Yeah. It was very like thick and chewy. But comparatively decent. I said that too.

I said, I said so bad but better than most things. Here. Here. Better than most things. At long time. Yeah. Four and a half for me. I gave that a four.

I got a four. Five. Go ahead and talk about it. Yeah. I ate most of the cheesecake because you don't like cheese nor cheesecake. Yeah. I was brave enough to actually try a bite to be like, you know what? It's time to try things.

It's mostly chocolate. It's for the podcast. I'll give cheesecake another chance. And it puts me out of my comfort zone. This confirmed that I don't enjoy. And by the way, I know what you're going to say. Your judgment of cheesecake was in the hands of Long John Silver's. I said that.

I said that to you. This was a collab. This was a cheesecake factory cheesecake. It didn't taste like cheesecake factory. I recently had cheesecake factory and it didn't taste like cheesecake factory. Well, first of all, the chocolate chips in this were sweating. They were sweating. It was giving me flashbacks to Shellies.

Is that what it's called? Sherries. Sherries. I never remembered the name. But it was weird. It was very thick. It was sweating. And I said, it's moist and thick like wet cat food.

But it was good. I liked it. I thought I'm a very big cheesecake fan. And a big cat food person. Anyways. And it was sweating in a coffin. I gave it a 7.8. 7.8 is such a good food.

No, it's not. 7.8 is like great. Okay. That's six points. You don't have to change it. I'm just saying like, let your numbers mean something. Okay. No.

No. I'm not letting you give it a six seven. I can't. I'm not going to do that just because I was re-listing. You already tried to do it. I did. I was re-listened to my previous episodes that I've done. I'm like, wow, I sound so cringy and stupid.

And I'm making references that were only to that time period. I'm like, wow, that was really bad. And now you're making a six-seven. And now I'm making a six-seven reference that I'm going to regret. And earlier, you're like, Da Vincii. That's the 2019 reference. So it's already dated? It's already dated.

All right. And it's kind of niche. It's niche, niche, niche. Okay. Yeah, I wrote, I don't enjoy cheesecake. There's a sharp dairy flavor that cuts through. That's just cheese. That is the cheese element of it that I'm just like, I don't like that.

I've never been able to taste a cheese and cheesecake. I just like the cheesecake. To me, that is the difference between a chocolate cheesecake and a chocolate cake. Is there is just like this. A dairy. Yeah, like a. That's fun. A little, a slightly.

Sour element that kind of comes through. Sour? A little bit. So it's the crone's disease. That doesn't affect my taste, bud. I don't care. But I don't enjoy it. At least this was mild.

I gave it a four out of ten. And it's largely due to, one, it was sweating. Two, I don't enjoy cheesecake. Your mileage may vary. It sounds like you liked it. I just like cheese cake. Okay, I'm taking that back. I'm going to give it a 6.8.

Did you just wipe a tear? No, I scratched my eyes. Okay, it would have been funny if you said yes. I'm sad that you've been taken over into the cult of six, seven. I think I covered everything. I think the service was just there. The guy was like, I told him, we're going to. Oh, he was funny.

Well, I told him, we're probably going to order a lot, so we need to look. And kind of without saying anything, he just walked away and started doing other things. We walked in and he was like, oh, he was like very judgmental, I feel like, but in like a funny way. He was like, oh, okay. Look, yeah. Like, I need to read the menu. I've not been here before. And I think in his mind, he's like, we hooked somebody new.

I know. And he was like, we, again, I said this already. But he was like, you, we were like, oh, we drove here from like an hour away, like, dude. And he was like, oh, huh. That's all of my just there elements. That's all of yours, right? Yeah. The outside looked kind of weird.

Weird how? To me, it actually looked kind of Cape Coddy and it's themed. It looked East Coast. It looked like a human. It looked like a furnace. It looks like. The state of Massachusetts. Don't diss Massachusetts like that.

They have a style. I'm hungry now. Can I eat one? Yeah. No, you will. I know you will and I don't want that. You should keep that. Please keep that.

That was funny. One other just their element. The place was empty when we came in and by the time we were leaving, it was pretty packed. It was very full. It was very weird. Yeah. Especially because it was like New Year's. Can I say that?

It was New Year's Eve. It was New Year's Eve. It was new year. Yeah. That was weird. Yeah. I didn't appreciate it. There were also only two people in the kitchen or like the guy who took our order and then this other girl.

So two people working? We're two people working. And I was like, that's accurate, I feel like. And there was, oh, I forgot to mention this. When I was going to refill my soda, I came back and there was someone filling out a job application. Oh. Yeah. Good for you, man.

Yeah. Cool. I'll be get it. Maybe they'll have a third person. Maybe. Fingies crossed. I should have asked to see the manager and see who came out. Two kids in a trench coat.

Literally. Yeah. All right. Well, that's everything. We need to put everything together into a score. But before we do that, Emma, you've been on the podcast before. You are not as calibrated as me. And more importantly, I just want a couple stories to hear about the worst restaurant you've ever been to, the best restaurant you've ever been to.

So that when you rate Long John Silver's, we know what it compares to. Great. So we're going to go into this week's Calibration Station. Emma, I'm going to ask you to tell me about your worst or your best. I mean, worst and your best, you pick. Do you remember when I said that Gordon Ramsey, when we were reading Yelp for strangers last week, when I said, oh, like, Gordon Ramsey is going to come up later? Does so come back?

Yeah, so they were like, I think Gordon Ramsey should come save this restaurant. I went to one of Gordon Ramsey's Nightmare Kitchen restaurants when I was probably like seven or nine. Like I was in maybe eight. But definitely not eight. Seven or nine. I was pretty young. And I remember it was like a barbecue Mexican place. Interesting.

It was in the mid like smack middle. It was like Pomona or something. It was somewhere weird. And I just remember just I'm pretty easy when it comes to food. I kind of just eat what's put in front of me unless it's like something I don't like. But like usually I just eat it. Yeah. This was very bad.

And I just remember being traumatized. Was it like the idea of the fusion that was like just barbecue? Mexican didn't work well together. They did it in a weird way where it was like text mex, but it was like barbecue and Mexican. So that's very techs mex. Very text. Yeah, yeah.

It was very, it was just very bad. It was very unsanitary. He's very gross. We were on like a road trip or something. Unsanitary. Well, that's, have you ever seen nightmare, nightmare kitchens is this was called? By Gordon Ramsey? I think so.

It's, he goes to like the worst restaurants in America and tries to fix it. And they usually always end up closing. because they're bad. Right. And I think this restaurant has closed. I think it was like a name. It was like Linda's barbecue. Sorry, Linda, not on you.

That was the first name that came to mind. It was, I don't remember it was, but it was very, very bad. But honestly. Do you remember what you ate? I think I had like, I think it was supposed to replicate like a Taco Bell crunch wrap. Okay. But it was just very bad. Did it have like rib meat in it?

Like what was barbecue? It was like barbecue sauce on it. Okay. And it had like rice and some things, but it was gross. And it was all frozen and it was, it was, I didn't like it. And I took like two bites and I. I said no thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. But honestly, I think that in a couple years, long John Silvers is going to take the cake for that. Because I feel like I'm going to forget about that restaurant because I completely forgot about it until you asked and I really dug deep into my brain. And I do think that in a few years that Long John Solars will be my zero zero. Currently it's not. So its stock is dropping in your mind, but it hasn't accomplished that yet. It hasn't gotten there yet. But it's going down.

It's plummeting. Yeah. Okay. And then you're 10. This is funny because this was the best restaurant experience I've had, but I also ruined it. Like myself. It was my fault that I didn't like it. And I was debating whether or not to put this as my worst or my best.

I think it deserves best because it was a very nice and good restaurant. It was just something that I did that messed that up. So I'm, this was actually like a couple weeks ago. This is not that long ago. Okay. I was going with my mom. It was the last night we were staying in New York. And we go to this very nice Michelin Star restaurant.

It was called Daniel. And it was very nice. I had like a rotating door and you'd go in and there's like someone in a very nice suit. And she's like, may I take your? coat and I had like a very nice outfit on. I'm very proud of my outfit. I had this like long Armani coat that I got it as a as my grandfather's and I took it off and I gave it to her and she's like, thank you. And then that moment I just get very nervous. Like I've never been to a restaurant of this scale. I have never done a fancy. You're getting like imposter syndrome like I don't

belong here. So I give her my coat and we walk in and they're like hello. You know, they address us by our last names. You know, they're like, I know, welcome. Do you would you like to sit at the bar while we set up your table. And I'm like, this is so, I mean, it was nice. It had like three separate rooms where the dining room was in the back. And then your Canadian accent is getting better, by the way. Oh, thank you. And then the front was like the coat room and whatever.

So we're walking down. It's very posh. They got like gentle music playing. I'm shocked they didn't have a live band. I'm really setting the scene for you. Yeah. I hope you can tell. But we go back and we get seated.

And it's a Michelin Star restaurant. So they pull out the chairs and they push you in in sync, which is scary to me. Yeah. And you know, the man, he had a very thick French accent. And he's like, would you like, he was like explaining how to order from the menu because it was very complicated. You have to get like two from this page and then one from this page. And then if you're doing this extra package, you could get three from this page. Like it was very complicated and I was very confused.

But it was very nice. You know, the tape cloth said and they had candles and flowers. And they were beautiful. And they push us in and I start looking and then I get really nervous. I'm like, I'm getting imposterous. And I'm not supposed to be here. This is bad. I don't belong.

And this is this is easy. Evil and I'm like, this is wrong. This is wrong. And so I'm just like sitting there like, I'm freaking out. And I'm like, am I being embarrassing? Am I talking too loud? Am I doing this and doing that? You're just becoming like hyper aware of everything.

I'm very hyper aware of everything that was happening around me. And I'm a very anxious person when it comes to stuff like that. So I'm trying to order and I'm like, this is so fancy. I don't know what I want. I'm trying to eat this. And I'm trying not to eat this. And you know, my mom's like, oh, I'll take this. And he gets to me.

He's like, what did you order? I'm like, I don't know. So I just said the first things I said, I was like whispering. I was like, so you went mute again. So basically, and I was like being, and I was just kind of like sitting there the whole time. And my mom's like, are you okay? But a couple times I got so nervous. I was like shaking and I was spill stuff.

Can I ask you a question that I don't mean this judgmentally. No, of course. I'm genuinely curious. What element of it were you anxious or maybe self-conscious about? Were you worried that they would like judge your order? I don't think so. Did you feel judged? They were very nice.

The surface was, they were incredibly nice. They were very sweet, very understanding. And I genuinely, I've been trying to figure this out. I don't know why I was so anxious. Once we got our order and it was very, it was beautifully played and it was delicious and it had all these flavor combos and it was like nice and pretty. And I, I spilled some on the table, like this beautiful white table clock. And I'm like, oh my God.

And they were also like just watching everyone like hawks. Like they were like security guards. Yeah. There was this girl and she just walked over and she put a table. tablecloth over it and she just made it look like the spill never happened. I'm like, yeah. How did you do that? Anyways, onto the funny parts where I ruined it. Um, I would get so anxious and I kind of have a thing where sometimes I just get like uncomfortable eating where like I just don't want to like, not in like a not like a bad way, but in just like a I'm eating and then I'm like,

I need to throw up. So I'm eating and it's really good. I'm like, I need to throw up. And I just get up and I walk away and I go to the bathroom and I didn't throw up. Is it an anxiety thing? It's anxiety. It doesn't happen. It's not like constant. It's just like, I feel like I'm like trauma dumping right now. But like it was a very, very nice restaurant and I got up to puke like three times and I never actually puked. Were you like dry heaving? I was like dry heaving. And it was very funny. And the people kept having to be like concerned as they kept watching me walk in and out. And there was this one time there was this girl and she was very beautiful. She had like a beautiful gold gown. And she had clearly never been to a Michelin Star restaurant just like I had. She was recording everything. And she was like, oh my God. And her, what I'm assuming was her date, but I don't want to be a judgeer, but he was very clearly a couple years older than her. Uh-huh. And he was very posh.

She had been there many, many times. Yeah. And I was in the bathroom the third time where I did think I was actually going to throw up. And I, and I, like, dry heaved and I made this awful burping sound. It wasn't actually a burp, but it was like a weird sound. Like a gurgle. She's in the bathroom and she's washing her hands and she looks at me and then she walks out. But I finish so fast and I walk out and she's up the stairs.

And she's obviously talking about something. And then the guy is like, oh, can you believe the people these days? Oh, they don't even know. And she's like, no, not you. And it was about me. And I was like, that's so funny. But it was a very nice restaurant. It was a 10 out of 10 experience, except I kept being super anxious.

So I was very debating whether or not to give that a zero or a 10. But it was a 10 because I did like that. Because it was not the restaurant's fault. Yeah. So that's my 20-minute story for a five-minute question. Question? Yeah, yeah. Awesome.

Well, somewhere between experimental, literal text, mex, and can you believe people these days, lies our experience at Long John Silver's. We're going to put it to the Chili's Test. I didn't care for this experience very much. I don't know if that's a shocker to you. But when everything is getting worse and worse as I'm going, when I feel actually sick to my stomach, which I never feel sick to my stomach like just from a meal. It's usually much later and it's just my digestive tract doesn't work like a normal person. That's it. I felt this immediately and I felt which items were the culprits.

and it was overly greasy, overly salty, which is a thing that I have such a high tolerance for. I love salt. I love grease. I do. Good for you. And yet here they went past my limits. This is a bad restaurant. It was.

This is. No hate, but it was. Maybe a terrible restaurant. I'm somewhere between those two adjectives. But what they've done, they should not be proud of. 1.91. I feel like I'm a very generous person when it comes to food. Like I said earlier, I just kind of eat what's in front of me.

I know people who are very big foodies and are like, hmm, taste the flavor. It's so good. I'm just like, it's food. I'm eating it. It's fun. Right. Maybe this and the Tex-Mex place,

those were maybe the two times that I have genuinely had a terrible restaurant experience. Right. I just, it was so disgusting. And I remember going in and being hungry. I was hungry. It was the morning. I hadn't eaten it. I was like, okay, I'm excited to eat.

We order our food and we sit down. I'm like excited. I'm like, okay, this is going to be really bad. I can feel it in my bones, but I'm excited. I remember just feeling like I was in a war. I was in a war zone. You were just staring into the distance. I was just staring into the distance like, like that one Harry Potter saying,

you have to keep drinking like you said, remember? And I was like trying to eat. And it was just so awful. And I just, it really felt like it did want to come back up. And it did not. and I was pushing it down. Much like your best restaurant experience ever. It was so bad.

It was so bad. Yeah. I have no more words. I was, here's the thing. The entire thing that propped up this thing, even scoring in the ones for me, was that I did like the theming and the commitment to it. But they have a bell that you ring. And I love ringing bells. I do.

But it is to imply that they did well. and I just walked away. I stood by the bell. I wanted to ring the bell, but it would have gone against my principles. I saw it walking and I was like, oh, I'm going to ring that bell. I don't care if this meal is the worst meal I've ever had.

I'm going to ring the bell. It's going to be great. It's going to be so funny and everyone's going to clap and cheer for me and then raise me on their shoulders and it'll be great. And then I remember eating it and just being so shell-shocked

and I'm like, I can't ring that bell. Did you say your number? I didn't say my number. I gave it a 2.14. And not Valentine's Day because I did not love it. Hey. When we put your 2.14 with my 1.91, Long John Silver seals its fate a top, not a top. It's toward the bottom of the Chotchky of mediocrity with an average score of 2.03.

Right there. You have it? What? I didn't know you had a thingy. I make a thingy. Wait, I want to put it up. Well, it's already up. That sucks.

But that feels right. I feel like honestly, I feel like it should be lower. I feel like I should have put my score lower. Well, here's the thing. The only thing is lower than it are hometown buffet, which I didn't actually go to for the podcast. That was just me remembering the worst meal I've ever had. White Castle and Shoney's, which I did go to for the podcast. And I do think we're objectively worse than this.

And Wing Street is above it at 2.26. and I do think I would rather have Wing Street than Long John Silver. So I'm okay with this. Okay. That's good. That's good then. I prefer fried chicken to fried fish. I do view Long John Silver's as kind of the KFC or the subway of sea food.

Don't just subway like that. Don't just subway like that. Anyways, this is lower than both of those, which tied. Yeah. And what this means, Long John Silver's is officially and definitively not. Not as good as Chili. Not as good as Chili. Objectively not so good.

Emma, I have to go somewhere next time, so I'm going to reach into the You Must Bowl. Pick your fate. Next week on the podcast, I will be covering. A deep dive into ghost kitchens, including trying the burger den, which is secretly Denny's trying to pass itself off as a burger restaurant on delivery apps. But I'm doing this specifically to celebrate the 100th unique restaurant on the main podcast feed since the show started in 2022. Tune in for that.

In the meantime, Emma, it was such a delight having you on the podcast again. Oh, it's always a delight. It is. Just know this is the worst episode I did. Do you think that? Yes. Do you actually? No, I meant like the worst restaurant that we went to.

Oh, I thought you meant your performance as a guest. I was like, I've had fun. Yeah. No, I had fun. I think for me, it goes. Chuckie cheese. Where else have it gone? Sherry's.

Sherry's right under Chuck cheese. Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks. I feel like Twin Peaks was good. Yeah, Twin Peaks wasn't terrible. Twin Peaks is the highest weighted of those. I feel like those. It was Twin Peaks, then Chuckie Cheese.

Yeah. Sherry's, I can't find. She's in there somewhere. Oh, yeah. Sherry's below Chuckie cheese. Mm-hmm. And I think I. Long John stuff is.

That is the ranking. I feel like the first three are very close together for me. I feel like those are pretty. good and then this is just such a low level. Yeah. It feels like child abuse. The Chotchky reflects that. Okay.

I'm in pain. Why would my own family do this to me? You know, sometimes I just like to test our bloodline to make sure that we have the strength that takes and the resiliency to carry on. No. It's like Agent Orange. My children will never recover. All right.

Well, thanks for joining. You can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast. just join my Discord server and come chat with me. Tell me what you think about Long John Silver's. It's probably bad. And I also have a Patreon where you can get an exclusive episode every single month, as well as the extended Yelp from Stranger segment and a brand new segment that I'm doing, where I interview my guests about their go-to restaurant rotations to hear what they like regularly and why.

So stay tuned. That will come out very soon with you on Patreon. Me? You. Oh, my goodness. We'll be doing that. Any minute now. In the meantime, thank you so much for watching.

That is another one in the books. I love each and every one of you. I will see you all next time. Have a fine day. Well, there's another one in the folks. We judge the service up to the cooks. And while we may have gotten a couple of dirty looks, though the journey can never stop,

from the bottom down to the top, we got a new one. and we'll see you and all right and that's because chillies do things up on the charge of and we will see you next a week and next week baby