Fine Dining - Midnight Waffle House Is Wild feat. Jerry Springer

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Michael & Garrett survive Waffle House on Halloween weekend at midnight Vape Man: Coming to a store near you this holiday season! Cheese Correspondent Steven has special guest Jerry Springer read his review of the Covered Hash Browns Former Waffle House employee Kendyll tells us just what happens at 3am at a Waffle House A Waffle House proposal lasts less than 24 hours JUB wants to repurpose your waffle batter A very special Headline Game: LIGHTNING ROUND! Michael has 2 minutes on the clock to answer Garrett's headline barrage correctly   Get our 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send us your Waffle House stories at [e-mail].   Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast   Let us know where we should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you get your podcasts. We read every one!   Next time on Fine Dining: Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen! If you have ever worked for Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen and have a story to share, or if you’d like us to hear your child’s review of the Pappadeaux kids menu, send it to [e-mail].

Huge thanks to Gabe Alvarez at Austin Audio Lab for hosting us this week. Hello and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I'm your host, Michael Ornelas. And I'm your host, Garrett Zwerk. And we are in Texas. We are in Texas for our next six episodes trying out the different spots, the different chains that we don't have available to us. Austin has to offer us. And we started with a bit of a doozy, one of the wildest places you can go.

Garrett, where did you pick? Waffle House. You picked Waffle House. I'm Mr. Chaos, so this is my jam. And we went, I know this episode comes out at a later date, but we went at midnight on the Saturday of Halloween weekend. So there were plenty of costumes, there were just lots of drunk people after their parties. We had the Halloween spirit. We had the Halloween spirit.

It was fun. Yeah. It was noteworthy. Yeah, I don't know. It was very interesting. Yeah, and we'll dive into it. For those of you listening for the first time, here's what we do on the Fine Dining Podcast. We are in search of the most average restaurant experience in America.

The perfect 5.00 out of 10. And what that means is you have a measuring stick against which you can compare all restaurants. You can know if something is good or bad simply by if it is worse than the most average restaurant. So, hey, you know what? This new place, it's better than Olive Garden. Oh, must be pretty good. This other place, worse than Olive Garden. So that means it objectively sucks because whatever we find as 5.0 is factually because we are experts in mediocrity.

So to break down how we do this, we're going to evaluate the atmosphere, the service and the food. There is more than just what you eat, but it is a big part of it. So we want to cover all of that for you and bring you our takes on all of it. And we'll have some wacky fun along the way. Fine dining party of two. In the meantime, our table is ready. Our table is ready. Your table is ready.

Follow me. Have you tried our chicken breast? Serving pancakes and rips. I recommend the spaghetti. We're here to satisfy, not to impress. Your table is ready. Complimentary butter and bread. These walls have growth signs.

Knit, knack, cowboy hat, good luck hat, autographed guitar, some crap from your city. Behold the trash key of mediocrity. Fine dining. Just fine dining. Fine dining. Two ledgers on the sign aren't shining. Neon flickering, irregular timing. Identify the perfect vibe.

How the 10. Fine dining. Fine dining. First impressions. Driving up to the restaurant. We saw one of the most waffle house things ever. And it wasn't even officially waffle house, but it was just so thematically on point that we have to include it. What did we see, Garrett?

There was an SUV completely missing its rear windshield, but not only that. They replaced it. Hazardly taped closed with garbage bags. We were like, oh, we'll just follow this to waffle house. Yeah, they're going there for sure. And then they turned off at the McDonald's right before the waffle house. But you know what? It counts as far as I'm concerned. It set the mood for the night that we had ahead of us.

That was very funny to me. And then we go and we park in front of the waffle house. It's got like this dingy overhead top lit sign. Only the words waffle house are illuminated. It looks like some weird semi afterlife dream. Yeah, it's like sending a shadow down directly underneath the letters in a way that's just kind of haunting, which I guess is appropriate because we were there on Halloween. But hey, I felt safe.

There was a waffle house branded sign. Yes, there was a sign that said, what was it? Surveillance camera in use. Surveillance cameras in use, but it had the waffle house logo branded on the sign, which was just so much funnier than just a standard surveillance camera in use sign. So this is what we're getting here. So it was like, oh, they print a lot of these. They need to let people know that, hey, you're secure ish being here. Everything happens to you.

We'll see it. Yeah, no, we'll have a record of your assault. It doesn't mean they'll prevent it or anything, but it means, hey, you can watch it back for progeny. There was actually a viral video of customers just fighting at a waffle house and the employees were just filming it. I mean, given what we experienced, I feel like that would have been the case here as well. Yeah. Now, because it was Halloween, we also saw a lot of costumes. We saw a lot of people walking around outside, waiting in line, waiting for to-go orders.

I swear, half of those were like scantily clad angels and cats. It was like the year of just like black angel wings, black cat whiskers, tails. It was just like, I'll just wear black and call it a day, throw on one crappy accessory. People will know what I am. No, but also you have to wear as little as possible while doing it. There was a girl who was wearing so little that all I could see was how cold she was. Her body was like 100% goose bumps. There was a slight shiver to her.

Yeah, and just like, I'll have some waffles. I was like, it's not that cold. We're in Texas. I mean, it was a chilly night, but you know. But of course, it's freezing cold when you're just wearing like two pieces of small leather. Yeah, it was very amusing. Now, we walk into the place. We don't know what to do.

No, there's no host, no hostess. There's just like this massive people waiting. It's confusing. It's chaotic. The lighting is like fluorescent like Walmart lighting. So you're just like, I don't know. I don't know where I am. I don't know what to do.

It's like the men in black flashy thing. You just walk in, you see the light and you forget everything that you've ever known. Yeah, we just kind of stood there and didn't know like, do we just take an open table? Do we sit at the bar? Is this like a Pizza Hut experience where we accidentally discover that it's fast casual and you order at a counter? I didn't know. And during this whole scene of confusion out of nowhere, this massive vape cloud smacks us in the face.

Okay, so if we're talking about costumes, I guess we would normally go over this in the atmosphere. But let me tell you the pageantry of costumes that we had before we get to this vape cloud. We had a girl that was dressed like a student from Persona 5. We had a poison ivy. We had like six sexy angels. There was a Jason and a pirate. We had a couple of black cats. We had a girl who just had like a pumpkin sticker on her face and called it a day.

Yeah, good. Like just on her cheek. We had two people who were waiting for the to-go orders who, I turned to you and I was like, should we ask them what their costume is? No, no, no, no. That's just how what they wear. I think that's just how they dress. It looked like straight up like plumbers with like overalls, like khaki overalls.

But it wasn't like their real plumbers that just came from work. These clothes were spotless. They were trying to do this. These were like bohemian plumbers. Yeah, they were very nice. Yeah. But I didn't have the heart to be like, are you dressed like anything or is this kind of just your fashion sense? Same thing like, hey, are you pregnant?

Yeah, exactly. You don't ask that question to people. You don't ask, oh, hey, is that your hot? Well, I don't know. I think on Halloween, it's appropriate to be like, hey, what are you dressed as? It's kind of on them if they dress vibrantly on Halloween and are like, oh, this is just how I dressed. It amused me that the most memorable costume of the night. I don't know if it was a costume.

It was another just how he was dressed. But guy, he's got like a jean vest on covered in buttons and spikes. And I didn't read the buttons. But it looked kind of punk rock. They were probably hardcore buttons, but because I didn't examine any of them, he just looked like a friendlies employee. Just like, just wearing like pieces of flair and whatnot. And he's got dreads and like combat boots on and ripped jeans. I don't know if it's a costume, but the most memorable thing.

He walks by us and blows vape smoke. I don't think aggressively at us, but a cloud emerges. Like costume is like, oh, I went as vape man. Like, like that. Like he has a costume that has nothing to do with vaping, but yet this is the most nope. Vape man sounds like a 90s kids toy. Like a stretch arm. No, no, not stretch armstrong elastic Ernie.

Yeah, yeah, the this made in China. You're like cancerous plastic. Your local Walgreens, like generic brand stretch armstrong parody figure that they have vape man. Vape man. Be one of the cool kids with vape man. Cool. He smokes like a dragon. Red.

This will make me popular. Vape man, part man, part vape, only a dick is. His lungs look like popcorn. Yours can too. Vape man transforms into a fully smokable vape pen. Mine tastes like raspberry. Mine tastes like grape. Plug him into any USB charging port after playtime so he can fill evil's lungs with toxic metals once again.

Uh, I feel mood swings coming on. Vape man, get yours today. I have a migraine. Do not use vape man if you're under 18. Vape man is not marketed to children. Vape man will not actually make you cool. The skull and crossbones on the packaging isn't to look cool rather it is to symbolize the millions of premature deaths caused by big tobacco each year. Vape man. So yeah, I think the thing that I was focused on most before we managed to actually get a seat was surviving. Um, you know, we just kind of were trying to blend in and not stand out.

And actually one thing I noticed because it's well documented at this point on the podcast that you and I walk in with notebooks and we want to document our experience. So we remember stuff to talk about and we're sitting there like examining the waffle station and taking pictures of things and writing notes. And the manager kind of perked up like, oh shit, are the health inspectors here because he started telling his employees like what to do. We'll get into that a little bit later. And this is a first. We have never been mistaken for health inspectors. Come on, look at us. Do we look like health inspectors? We do not look hygienic at all. Which I mean, maybe they felt like, oh, they're trying to throw us off the scent, throw the two dirtiest guys they've got at a waffle house.

But yeah, I was just focused on surviving until we got to our table. Oh, hey, you know what? What? We have our five survival tips for casual dining available on our website. If you're a listener, go on over to our website. You can just give us your email address and we'll send you a PDF with Garrett and Michael's five survival tips for casual dining, giving you tips that we've learned along the way on how to make the most of your casual dining experiences. Because we're the authority on mediocrity.

And we want you to have a more than mediocre time. Okay, it is time for Resty Fact Roundup. We got to round up all the facts. Garrett, what do you have for us? So, Waffle House was founded in 1955 in... It's always Florida? No, no. Georgia. Hey, you're right. Hey, near Atlanta by next door neighbors.

One was a real estate guy. The other one was a restaurant tour. So, hey, match made in Waffles. Another cool thing about these guys. I don't want to say cool thing. It's sad. They actually died within a month of each other. The cool thing about this tragedy.

They actually died within a month of each other in 2017. Rest in power, guys. I mean, that's... There's kind of a sweetness to it. Yeah. Unless they were both really young, but... No, they were like in their 90s. Oh, because they founded it in 1955 and died in 2017.

Wow. Yeah. They had good runs. Yeah. Good for them. I'm happy for them. As mostly everyone knows, Waffle House is open 24-7-3-65. Yep. It's so consistent that FEMA has created a Waffle House index

to measure natural disaster damage. I have heard about this and it is very funny to me. Just that we're measuring stuff in chain restaurants. Kind of like what we do. Hey, yeah. We're basically the podcast FEMA. Yes. As of 2019, there were 263 locations in Metro Atlanta alone.

Did you say 263 in one city? In the Atlanta metropolitan area. Yeah. That's wild. I have no frame of reference to what this even is. I doubt there are that many McDonald's in that area. That's crazy. I mean, hey, when you have a local chain that explodes in popularity,

usually a town does rally around its success. I mean, we're in Texas. Whataburger is very... There's a lot of pride. I live out in LA now. I have a lot of friends from Texas and all of them talk about how when they go back, all they want is Whataburger. I've still never had that.

I almost never get it when I come home because I have a preferred burger place called Dan's Hamburgers. Yes, you're taking me to that. It's only got a few locations. It is... If you're going to Austin specifically, go to Dan's Hamburgers. I promise you it is better than Whataburger. Well, I'm looking forward to that.

One last thing. Waffle House has its own record label. According to the website, they say... Is that why they have a jukebox in the restaurant? Yeah, totally. They think music has always been part of the Waffle House experience from tunes on the jukebox to our original songs. Waffle House is a destination for waffles and music.

How interesting. We'll talk about that in atmosphere. That's been this week's Resty Facts Roundup. Yeah! Thanks. Yeah, thanks, guys. That's how you peter out. Atmosphere.

We're now at our table. We're looking around. We're noticing things. I see my favorite little detail. What is this? Maybe of the whole night. So there is a framed $5 bill on the wall that says our first dollar, our first payment or whatever it said.

We took a picture. You can see it on our social media if you want to know exactly what it said. That's right. We're on Instagram at Find Dining Podcast. We're on TikTok at Find Dining Podcast. And you can email us whatever you want. Find Dining Podcast at gmail.com. We might regret that, but I don't know.

Maybe we won't. And then it says, July 1st, 2019. This restaurant is only three years old and it has aged like a smoker. It looks like this place has been around since the 80s or 90s. It's so sticky. It's so dingy. It's worn down. I'm just like, you've gotten to this point in three years.

You truly live fast, don't you? You awful house. It brought me so much joy. And then next to that, we've got pictures of the founders. There's an old employee that worked for a long time. We couldn't tell if she was happy or just completely worn out. If it was just like, hey, you've worked here for 70 years. Smile for the camera.

And she's just like, I only have one face. And it's kind of exasperated. Which that was kind of the look on most of the employees' faces throughout the night. And then there's like, like a really low coat rack next to our table. It was like belly button level. It was just like anything you hang on there is definitely like dragging along the floor. We're right next to the bathrooms, which, you know, I was worried about that. It ended up being a non-factor.

It was fine. But there was one more thing right by that coat rack that would have made our experience better if we would have read it. There were multiple Waffle House branded signs. One was house rules, which instructed you just to take the first open table. Yeah. And keep in mind, this is on the wall that's opposite the entrance. Not like when you go in, you have to go all the way to the back, but it's literally like around a corner.

So it's in the least intuitive place that you could see. It tells you how to proceed with the rules of the place. Oh, here's a fun part of this sign. In bold highlighted yellow, if safety is ever in jeopardy, police will be called. Some examples are threat of violence, any aggressive or threatening behavior, intentional destruction of property. And a bunch of other things. But basically they're like, hey guys, we know we're here for crimes that we expect from you. Oh gosh.

And again, with the Waffle House logo branded right at the top, much like the surveillance sign. Oh, there was another Waffle House branded video recording sign that said video recording system and use for management, training. And this is the best part and investigative purposes. Of course. We know what they're here for. Now, I guess I want to get back into that music thing because they had a Waffle House branded jukebox. Yeah. And I didn't hear any music.

I heard what sounded like from the far opposite side of the restaurant music that was about as loud as if it was being played off of somebody's phone speaker. I was wondering is like, is someone in the back of the restaurant just playing music on their phone on their break? Yeah, it was, to be fair, there was a loud level of chatter as to be expected when you have a diner with that many people. But I expected some music. I didn't want to be overwhelmed with music. It's definitely a thing where like you almost think of like the crappy 80s speaker where it's just like that type of aesthetic. Yeah. I expected music to be coming out of a speaker that had that vibe just in a diner like in a throwback way.

I don't believe that Waffle House is into music based on this experience. No, I don't believe that they have a music label. But hey, I mean, I guess people wouldn't believe that we make music either. And if you go check out our Olive Garden episode, it is a full musical with seven original songs and it is pretty freaking great. Music with five guys makes us family. It makes us family of guys. Don't forget to tip. It's a banger.

Yeah, it's seven bangers. Go check it out. It is far and away my favorite episode and we're so proud of it. So keep supporting and go check out the Olive Garden episode if you haven't because trust me, you want to. You mentioned they thought we were health inspectors. Yeah. That waffle station. Man, that was kind of gross.

This is a tough thing because I don't know if I'm actually knocking them for it because when I think about it, what is my expectation? Of course, when you just make a ton of waffles, there's going to be batter. There's going to be goop overflowing from the edges. I know. I see your face. Winsing goop is kind of a gross word. I know, but like I don't want goopy waffles, but they're not goopy waffles. One of the employees when we came in, this is actually, I'm going to have so many things throughout the story where I say my favorite part of the experience is this.

This was my favorite part of the experience. So she's cooking a waffle in the waffle iron and it is like overflowing with batter, but you know, there is like a border at the edge to make the waffle circular. And the batter is kind of still attached and she needs to sever the batter from the waffle to get the waffle out. And the way she chose to do that was just by opening and slamming the waffle iron over and over until like the pressure from that downward slam severed the edge of the waffle. And I was just like, they must go through so many waffles if that's how they're trying to like clean up the edges. But yeah, they definitely need something to get rid of all that batter. It was, it was kind of goopy. And now a word from our totally not made up sponsor. It's a good business and you should hire me to do it.

I love Goop. It'll be inside of a present. It'll say, hey, to little Timmy, happy birthday Jesus. And then I'm going to go down your chimney and you're not going to be suspicious. This is one night of the year when you find me in your chimney. So why are you asking questions on all the other nights of the year? It's not fair. I got a set of standard of consistency. If you let me do it one day out of the year, you gotta let me do it the other days. Anyways, sorry, I'm getting a little bit worked up.

I apologize about that, but not really. I just like being inside the chimney because the sun feels good on my sinuses. It helps me forget about my black lung by giving me a different respiratory problem. Call me, but, but not on a phone. I don't have one of those. I like echo location that is my preferred method of contact. I'll screech real loud and if you're a bat, you'll know where to find me. And if you're not a bat, follow the bat. Ho, ho, okay, bye.

Didn't someone try to clean it a little bit? There was Texas fleece girl. Yes, we'll call her Texas fleece girl. She was the MVP of the service staff. The only one who was kind of moving around with urgency. Yeah, you could tell she cared. You could tell she was stressed by the inactivity of her coworkers. And she was like, I gotta compensate for all of this.

She's just putting her nose down and doing work. We'll talk about her and the service staff a little bit more when we get to the service section. The atmosphere, again, just wild. Wild and sticky. There was a lady who came in in a SWAT gear costume, which is alarming. But it was sexy SWAT, not just sexy SWAT. And I remember her partner mentioned something about how he was getting arrested by her. I don't know.

It was just sexy. Yeah. Sultry. One of my favorite things that I overheard at one of the other tables. Another favorite thing? No, but noteworthy thing. Just the girl that was dressed like a Persona 5 character, just passionately arguing with the other two at her table. And just saying, I'm a sauce gal.

I really am. And with no other context. I mean, you're at a restaurant. I'm assuming that we're talking about just, I like putting sauce on things, but just that phrase, I'm a sauce gal. She was a very interesting character. I heard a quote from her earlier in the night. I wrote it down. She just said, no, you motorboat me.

Well, she certainly sounds like a sauce gal then. Yeah. Yeah. Sausage. So we gotta rate this atmosphere, Garrett. We've gotta rate it. Yeah. This was absolute chaos.

It was. It was very busy. We stumbled around not knowing where to sit. We kind of stood by a couple unbust tables before we actually got a seat because it was kind of at a standstill. A guy who like walked in, looked at us as we were standing by our table asking like, are you guys going to sit there? And it's like, yeah, we just want it not covered in butter. So we're waiting a second. And he kind of looked annoyed that we weren't sitting down already and that there was this.

I guess that's the expectation at Waffle House. You're supposed to sit in filled. I guess. So I'm going two thumbs down. And it's not like I hated it. It's not like an aggressive two thumbs down. It's just kind of a matter of facts. Two thumbs down where like, if you put all the instances of what happened and all the details on paper,

it just doesn't add up to an appealing experience. I'm going to have to preface this first because at Denny's, I gave that chaotic atmosphere two thumbs up. You did. But here at Waffle House, this chaos, I think was in large part due to employee disorganization. Yes. So at Denny's, the chaos was fun patrons. Yeah. Waffle House is structural chaos.

It was also a matter of at Denny's, it felt like the chaos, it felt like if anything escalated, the staff would have you taken care of like, like you would, you're actually safe. Yeah. It's like a roller coaster. It's like a roller coaster where it's like you have the safety harness. They do this all the time. You go there for the thrill. But at the end of the day, nothing's going to happen to you.

But at Waffle House, you might get hit in the head with a machete. So two thumbs down. No part of me felt like a Waffle House brawl would be broken up with any level of propness or even effort by the staff. They'll just watch and put it on WorldStar. It was truly just a mosh pit of energy. Hey, it's Kendall. I worked at Waffle House from, I think, September of 2015 to around July of 2019.

I have a lot of stories, but the most memorable one is probably this one. So it's around two o'clock in the morning on a night shift. I'm cleaning up, getting ready to go home. I see this van coming into the parking lot and I mean, they're, they're speeding through. And normally when you see a car speeding through like that, either either drunk or they're upset. You know, I don't really pay no mind. And then I see this lady getting out and she's getting out a really weird way. Like she's scooting out of her seat, trying not to think anything of it.

But then I can see the way she's walking. She's like waddling a little bit. Like, you know, when you're trying to like, I guess when you're constipated a little bit, you're not clenched to stop it from coming out and you're kind of waddle a little bit. She was doing that. And I was like, I already knew then that this was going to be a fun one. Anyway, she gets in the door and she, she maybe briefly says hello or whatever, but doesn't really acknowledge us.

And she just hurriedly waddles to the bathroom. And, you know, I take a look at her and you can see some staining on her, on her pants from some spillage she had. So I'm assuming it was already coming. She just was trying to get there as fast as possible. But she gets to the bathroom and we don't really see her maybe 30, 45 minutes later. And I mean, she is, she's not running out of the restaurant, but she's, she's going there, man.

Like she's trying to get back to her car and avoid all eye contact. And I tell the waitress next to me, I'm like, good luck. I'm out. So I go out back and the waitress, she goes to the bathroom a little bit later to check it out and I tell you what, man, this lady, you know, it looked like a shit bomb had gone off in that bathroom. It was on the wall, the sink, the floors. You know, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it was on the fucking light too,

but I wouldn't pay much attention. I tell the waitress, you know, good luck. You know, I'm not cleaning that shit up. I don't get paid for that. So me and the waitress go back and forth about it. And eventually we decide on that we're going to use the water hose and just spray this whole entire bathroom down. So I, the waitress gets some dawn gifts.

So we pull this water hose through the restaurant. And I mean, we, we step back a good maybe 10 feet from the bathroom because I'm not risking getting that shit on me. And we just start spraying going to town every nook, craning anywhere where water could go. That's where we sprayed it. Cause I'm telling you that's how nasty it was. So after that we go to take out the trash from that bathroom and this lady had used the restroom in her pants already and she threw her underwear in the trash can.

So eventually we opened the lid to this trash can to pull it out and it just hits us. And I leave. I decide, Hey, we're closing this bathroom because I don't want to clean it. You don't want to clean it. Clean it. Day shift can clean it. I'm not sure why that story stands out, but that's probably my, the shittiest memory I have quite literally of working at Waffle House.

So the service was a team here, but we only interacted with one. So like with Rainforest Cafe, our service rating came as a result of interacting with the manager, with our server, with the balloon animal makers. Those were all part of the experience because they all came to our table and they interacted with us here. We're going to talk about a bunch of characters, but we only interacted with one of them. True. Yeah.

So our rating is going to reflect our interactions with our one server, but boy, do we have a picture to paint for you. So we already talked about Texas fleece girl. And when we say Texas, we mean University of Texas, Hookham horns. She just had a UT fleece on running around helping out best she could because boy were they, I won't say understaffed, but understaffed in terms of the effort being put forth by some of the staff. Yeah.

No, it was a full, it seemed like a full staff. It was pretty crowded. We had one girl that just seemed catatonic. Yeah. She was literally just staring at the waffle makers. She was very stoic, just staring. She was kind of positioned in a way to where no matter where anyone else was, she'd managed to be in their way and she was just staring and she had a face mask on with her nose poked

out. I don't know what she was doing. Yeah. And it was weird. She was the only employee wearing a mask and she was doing it improperly. Yeah. Like just do it or don't. One or the other, I don't care.

Yeah. I guess reprimanded in front of the restaurant when the manager noticed us taking notes assuming we were health inspectors because we hadn't had a seat yet. He was yelling at her like, I need you to work. Yes, you. It was very like, I felt kind of bad for her, but at the same time, you are literally just standing there and there is a line of people who could use some tending to. And I'll give credit to that manager for delivering under pressure.

Someone's got to say that. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. He was running a tight ship that night. He was running a tight ship. We actually noticed an order come by his plate. He opened up the sandwich, looked at it, looked at the note, realized that something was wrong

and then chucked it back to his employee and had them remake it before it even went out to the table. That is an eagle-eyed manager. Yeah. That is a solid manager who I have plenty of respect for. He also had, what do you call it, like those under-armor sleeves on? Is that how you would describe those? Something like that.

Sleeves probably for the grease splatter. It seems like he's a veteran of this place. He's an expert. It wasn't a long-sleeve t-shirt. No. It was like those special undershirt, like breathable material sleeves, but the sleeves were Waffle House branded. His hat, I mean, obviously, was Waffle House branded.

His entire getup. He looked like a NASCAR pit crew with just how much branding there was on him. Just like Waffle House this, Waffle House everything. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had like a filling on one of his teeth that had like a little WH on it or something. Hey, Waffle House corporate, if you're listening, this guy is a pro. He's a stan. If he doesn't have like a Waffle House tattoo somewhere on his body, I would kind of be

shocked. But I want to talk about our server. I adored this man. Yeah, I hold, I guess, what he represents very close to my heart. I wouldn't call him a good server. I wouldn't call him a bad server. He just was. He reminds me of that stoner friend that made a bong out of Legos.

Yeah. He out of Legos. Yeah. He's got him. Yeah. Gotta do something with him. My first impression of this man. Okay.

So I need to paint a picture of the layout of this restaurant for you. So you walk in and there's a bar, you know, at the far left side of this bar, it's kind of a little bit lower kind of table height. Then it kind of jumps up to more of a traditional bar with bar stools. There's a cash register for to-go orders to be placed. And then the bar kind of tapers off and you have three booths for dining in at the end counter. Now, the entire wait staff resides behind that bar area.

So it's almost like a straight bar from like, it's about what, 80% of the restaurant has this bar. It extends all the way down and it spans little tables, bar area, booths, all of that. Now, our waiter is behind this little counter and there's like a divot in the side of our booth where he can kind of pop up. It almost looks like a puppetry show, you know, where it's just like, this is where the puppet pops up and then the guy is like down there hiding his hand. I bet this guy would have made a sick ventriloquist.

This guy would have just made a sick puppet. I would love that. I would, I would watch a show starring him as a puppet. He had puppet, he had BPE, big puppet energy. But my first impression of him is just the top half of his body leaning forward, bussing the table that we're trying to sit at and his reach is just about four inches too short to reach the end of the table and due to the layout, he can't really. So like one of my favorite things, he's just like pulling plates, you know, pulling stuff

off the table and then there's just like a rogue butter container and he's just like finger fondling the butter with his two fingers just like flicking and like, it kind of just gets away from him and starts to roll off the table and then kind of like, keep in mind, no part of his face is emoting, none. He is not bothered by this. He is used to it. This is just game time at Waffle House for him. He knows his lot in life and this butter like, you know, he manages to kind of just catch

it between his index and middle finger and pull it and then just kind of throws a wet rag on the table, moves it around a couple of times, picks it up, you know, tells us we can sit down and the table is just sopping wet and then he throws laminated menus on top of this sopping wet surface. The menus weren't actually sticky. Mine was. Mine wasn't. But I think it was because of the table.

I think it was because of the wet table more so than the actual menu itself. But just seeing him struggle to reach the butter, his wingspan just slightly too short is my favorite thing about this entire experience. Which number favorite? Rank your favorites. They're all number one. OK. That's how favorites work, Garrett.

Am I your favorite son? Yes. You and Juicy are both my favorite son. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome. Yeah, it was just so fun interacting with this. Also, you know, we have that one server who just looked like she was falling asleep, you know, just standing there.

Our server, he had this look on his face. Well, his eyes were just almost closing the entire time. That's what I'm thinking. You know what? This is everyone's stoner friend. Yeah, I don't. I'm not convinced. I think there's something more going on in this waffle house.

What's going on over there? What's going on over there, Garrett? What is going on over there? Why is everyone in this place looking like it's falling asleep? Are they just overworked? I have a theory. What is it? We're going to go off a cliff a little bit with this, Garrett.

We're used to that. I think waffle house is such a fever dream that it needs multiple people to dream it. And so I don't know if there's something in the air at waffle house that puts its employees to sleep to feed off their dream energy to conjure the night like the David Lynchian nightmare fuel that is the dingy dim light and overall stickiness and waffle goop that is waffle house. But I think that it is the result of it being actually purgatory and it is being dreamed by multiple people.

You walk through those doors and you are just in another dimension. The lighting on the sign made it look very purgatory. Yeah, I think waffle house is purgatory being dreamt by its employees. We have to eat our way straight into purgatory. And they have like, you know, I don't know if it's in the waffle batter. I don't know like what part of the experience is the ingredient putting them to sleep, but it needs more than one person to dream up this nightmare. And I wouldn't be surprised that like regularly patrons pass out at waffle house

and it siphons their dream energy as well to keep the illusion going. I was surprised we both didn't gold bloom at some point. I actually left the restaurant feeling very satisfied. For those of you listening for the first time, gold blooming is what I do when I'm too full at restaurants where I start leaning against the wall of the booth and I put my feet up and my shirt just majestically billows open and I look like Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park.

You should unbutton your shirt right now. I, you know what, just for the viewers of the podcast, our audio only podcast. Look at that lovely hair. Look at that chest hair. Like found a way. I think we found a way to describe what's going on over there. Yeah. You know, one more thing that I want to say about our server who we're not naming

because we only name exceptional servers, but I did exceptionally like this. I exceptionally liked this man. I did too. You want to give him a name? His name was pretty great. It was really great. If it were a country, it would be pretty great. His name was Britain.

His name was Britain and Britain was excellent at his job. This man was literally always working. There wasn't a minute of downtime. So I liken him to the story of the tortoise and the hare. You know, you had Texas fleece girl. She had her hustle on. That's not for Britain. Britain is a man who is just about consistent pace.

He was just like, I will get to the end of this shift in X number of hours and I'm going to walk at the speed that gets me to the finish line. No faster, no slower than eight hours. He was always working and he was always working a little bit slow, but not in a bad way. I don't really have complaints. No, I just this was one moment that really stood out to me. He delivered our food and on the way back,

he did some side work like maybe some silverware or something. Next, he walked over to the waffle station, checked on the waffles. Next, he talked to the manager about a grill order, picked something up and then took it to another table. This was just one constant stream. It was almost like watching a Tai Chi master. He was in a state of flow, but it was slow flow. Britain, the master of slow flow.

Now, when I get to my rating here, I'm sitting here praising the man. It was the epitome of average and I mean that as a compliment. It wasn't exceptional service, but I did like him exceptionally. The rest of the experience was very less than mediocre. Less than mediocre. The other aspects of service, but they didn't directly impact us. They did indirectly impact us.

Taking forever for anyone to notice us to be like, oh, have a seat. Small complaint, not even a complaint, just kind of a thing that factors in. I'm not giving this any thumbs up. I'm not giving this any thumbs down. I'm just getting it no thumbs, but what I will give it is that this is way too much award.

I am giving this week's This is Way Too Much Award to the table length that Britain had to wipe down because that amused me and was my favorite thing about this experience and it was way too much. I'm going to give this one thumb up because our entire service experience wasn't that majestic, but Britain on the other hand, he is a majestic man. I feel so closely tied to him on a personal level.

That sounds weird. I hang out and smoke a J with this guy. He seems like a really cool dude. So he himself saved the restaurant in one thumb up. Sure. I have very fond memories of him already and this just happened a day and a half ago. Yeah, I think that's fair.

We'll be back after a chaotic story from within a Waffle House. Okay, so it's Valentine's Day. We've been on and off for maybe like a year and a half at this point and he tells me he wasn't able to Waffle House because that used to be our place and he wants to celebrate Valentine's Day. So I said, sure, we went. It was fucking like three in the morning

and our server is trying to get our tip. She's talking to us, chatting it up, asking us how we know each other, stuff like that. And I just kind of tell her, we're on and off right now. He isn't really the best person. He's insecure. He's this. He's that.

Yada, yada, yada. Toxic is fuck. I kid you not. And she's basically saying, just give him a chance. She's giving us her whole life story, stuff like that. Anyway, so she's doing what she's got to do. Me and him are chilling. It's packed for fucking three in the morning on a Sunday.

But I'm just telling him how I can't commit because he's done X, Y, and Z and I need a sign of commitment in order to feel like I can trust you again and stuff like that. And he was like, do you want me to propose right now? Is that what you want? I was like, no. You're not going to do that right now.

We're in a fucking Waffle House. And I was like, you don't even have a ring. No. And he's like, why not? Like, you know, I love you. Yada, yada, yada. The fucking server comes back and she's like, oh my God, what's going on right now?

And he's basically telling her like, I want to propose to her, but she's not letting me. And I'm like, you're not going to propose. This man gets down on one fucking knee and it packed as fucking Waffle House, a fucking party of like 15 walking, like from a quinceanera that just ended. And he gets down on one knee and he's like,

will you marry me with a fucking necklace? Not even a fucking ring. And my naive dumbass was crying. I said, yes. I was like, oh my God. And so everyone's like coming up to me saying congratulations. The lady, she paid for our food, like the server. She paid for our food.

Just like congratulations. I wish you guys all the best. Yada, yada, yada. And I'm talking to him and I'm like, how are we going to tell our family? And he's like, well, I just don't have to worry about you talking to guys anymore. And I just looking at him and I'm like, are you serious?

He's like, yes. Why would I want you talking to any other guys, especially if we're engaged? And I was like, is that why you proposed? And he was like, kind of. And I was like, that's not a way to propose to somebody all at the fucking Waffle House table. And he was like, well, we can talk about this more tomorrow.

Like we'll figure it out. Yada, yada, yada. That shit didn't even last a whole 24 hours. I was not having it after he said that. And yeah, that's how I got embarrassed and proposed to you at a Waffle House. Waffles are in the literal name of the restaurant. It's Waffle House, not Butter House, not Hash Brown House.

Not Sausage House. Not bacon. Let's list everything on the menu because honestly, it's so small, we probably could. This was the smallest menu of anywhere we've been. And it's not even close. Yeah. What, like seven items pictured on one side,

maybe seven on the other, all very similar to one another. So it seems like they're focusing on things they know they do well. And boy, do they. Yes. I had such low expectations of the food here. I don't know why. I literally, I've been to a Waffle House once, maybe on a road trip as a kid.

It's been 20 years, if not more, since I've eaten in a Waffle House. So I didn't know what to expect going in at all. But for some reason, just in my head, I didn't expect the food to be all that great. I guess you look at the stickiness, the rundown nature of the place. I think it's the reputation as well.

The reputation, I think. So reputation for fights means not necessarily great food. I guess, I don't know. I mean, like, I assume that if the food is great, people will be less angry and less combative. What if they're fighting over the food? You know? It's like, damn it.

You took my Waffle. Yeah. I, yeah, I just, no reason, no logical reason, but I just had low expectations. And boy, did it smash through those expectations. You want to talk a little bit about the food history, Garrett? Oh, yeah. So they're known for their Waffles, obviously.

But they're also known for their hash browns. Yes. And their hash browns... I didn't know that. I didn't actually know that until we got there. Yeah. So they have many, many customization options. Their in-restaurant menu lists the following things.

Double hash browns. That's pretty self-explanatory. Scattered, basic hash browns. Smothered, adding diced sauteed onion. Covered, add one slice of American cheese. That is so gross to me and Garrett, but luckily for you listeners, we have hired a cheese correspondent

to report on cheese dishes at restaurants we go to. Stephen, take it away. I'm special delivery. What's this? Your jaw still doesn't work because you got it trapped in an elevator door and you need someone else to say your words for you? All right, fine.

Who do we have? Hey, Stephen, Jerry Springer here, and I just heard from Michael and Garrett, and apparently I've been asked to do a review, perhaps because you weren't able to, of the covered hash browns from Waffle House. This obviously is a major responsibility, and I'm going to do the best I can.

I can tell you that the hash browns are crispy and crunchy. Definitely crispy and crunchy, so that's a good thing. It had an adequate amount of cheese. Not overwhelming, there could be a little bit more, but certainly give you a pass on that. Basically, it was just hash browns

with a craft single on top. That's what the experience is. The presentation, however, is underwhelming. It's basically just hash browns with a craft single, that's it. And they complemented by, there were other sides as well, such as bacon and sausage. For certain reasons, I can't eat bacon or sausage.

It has pork in it, so I'm going to have to take a pass on that. But on the rest, yeah, I've always liked the Waffle House, and if you're into covered hash browns, you might want to give it a try. Take care of yourselves and each other. Thank you so much, Jerry Springer, for giving us Stephen's words,

reviewing the covered hash browns from Waffle House. We really appreciate you. Anyways, Garrett, what are the other types of hash browns? The next ones are cool. Chunked. Add hickory smoke to him. Peppered. Add jalapenos.

Ooh, that's good. But there are secret menu options. Oh. Diced. Add diced tomato. Capped. Add sauteed mushrooms. Topped.

Diced chili. Ugh. Country slathered in country gravy. And all the way. Absolutely everything. So there's no like middle ground of like, I'd like two of these things. Or is this like the type of place where you go and be like,

I'll take the hash browns. Diced, capped, and covered. And they'll do those three things. Because if you, when I ordered, I'm like, I will have double smothered hash browns. This is like one of those places where you get to feel like you're talking in code. Yeah.

Be like, that's cool. Yeah, I'll have my steak. I want it gray pressed and, you know. Gray pressed rigamarold and through the grinder. Yeah, exactly. And then like everyone somehow knows what that sentence means. Wow. It feels like we're straight into like 1930s prohibition era.

Where you're like talking in code to order food. Hey, maybe that's how the founders got their wealth. Yeah, maybe they were moonshine smugglers before they were waffle peddlers. I didn't realize that the hash browns were a thing they were known for until I had already inhaled my hash browns. So my order, I got the classic waffle with pecans. I got a side of sausage, which are pattyed sausages.

I got the Texas toast bacon and egg sandwich. I got the hash browns just straight up. I didn't get them in any special way. And then I had a taste of Garrett's bacon. The look on your face. We actually have different opinions on it, but since we're talking about the hash browns, these are probably the best hash browns I've ever had.

I give them a nine out of 10. I inhaled them. That is not an exaggeration. I picked up a fork and the next time I looked down, I was out of hash browns until I picked up my sandwich and discovered that there were some more hash browns underneath. And I immediately set down my sandwich and just like cleared the plate into my mouth.

They were pretty good. They were so good. And I got the hash browns double smothered, which is double order of hash browns with grilled onion. Oh my gosh, though. The top griddled layer was golden and crispy. The potatoes were just thick enough. This is food porn with Garrett's work.

You could tell had a strong water bath before it took the bitterness out. So everything combined was nothing but a flavorful, slightly greasy hash brownie explosion in your mouth. Okay. Seven out of 10. I love how we ended our food porn with explosion in your mouth.

That's gross. Yeah, these hash browns were, you said seven out of 10. I say seven out of 10 because I can't give it a nine out of 10. I can. I've made better hash browns. Have you really? Yeah.

Make me hash browns. Yeah, I will. I'll make you hash browns. Okay. Yeah. These are the best hash browns I've ever had and they will live on in my memory as something that I will get if I am ever at a Waffle House again.

But if not, they will just be this fond memory of a time in my life, a period in my life where I went to Texas for a week to review mediocre restaurants. They were great. But you know what I've realized, Garrett? What? There are commitment issues. I struggle to give a 10 out of 10.

Why is that? What's your thought process? I think it's the perfectionist in me. I feel like there can always be better. I struggle to give a 10 out of 10, to give the full Monty to anything. Okay. So the first morning we were here, we tried to calibrate

our taste buds. Yes, we did. With, we found something that is a 10 out of 10. We went to La Barbecue, which is a barbecue joint in East Austin. We got the brisket and the beef rib. Oh my gosh. This was me showing you my favorite barbecue place in

Texas. It is a 10 out of 10. And even then, I call it a 9 out of 10. Like, I don't know. It's just something I'm like, well, I haven't had all the barbecue. So how do I know if this is 10 out of 10? And I feel like that's unfair because 10 out of 10 is a

tear. It doesn't mean you're number one. It just means you are in that 10 out of 10 tear. But for some reason in my brain, I can't move past the fact that I am reserving 10 out of 10 for the best thing. Now, how do you know when it's the best and not just exceptional?

I don't. And actually, you know what? Now that I think about it at Gyu Kaku, I believe I gave a couple of things. Yeah. 10 out of 10. You know what? Screw it.

I'm going 10 out of 10 on these hash browns. Wow. I am reforming myself as a human being. 10 out of 10 hash browns. Congrats on the personal growth. But now if you make me hash browns and they're better, I will feel like I have betrayed everything because now my scale is meaningless.

I'm ready to blow your world. OK. We both had the bacon. You said I had a bite of your bacon. OK. And I had bacon in my sandwich as well. And it was prepared differently from yours. But I tasted your bacon because you just turned to me and

went, how do you do with salty things? OK. It was blackened for one thing. Yeah. And it looked, I assume they just crusted the blackened salt-crusted bacon. It was the saltiest thing I've ever eaten. I had one piece, put it down, couldn't eat anymore.

I didn't mind it. It was a 3 out of 10 bacon for me because bacon is just a naturally good food. I gave it a 5 and a half out of 10 because bacon is a naturally good food. It definitely was a little salty, but everything else about it was to my liking. And I like salty foods.

I think it's that and sweet are probably my two favorite taste profiles. Would you like better, the bacon or the sausage? The sausage? Really impressed. Did you try the sausage? I tried the sausage. I gave you one of my patties, right?

Yeah. So it was, all right. The only knock against it I have is that it was the thing I saved for last. And so it was probably not as warm as it was when it first got to me. Texturally perfect. OK.

There were no like weird chunks or like anything. Sometimes you get that like pop when you take a bite of processed sausage. It was good. It was good. I went 7 and a half out of 10. Wow. OK.

It was a good sausage. It just, it didn't look great. No. But the taste was solid was better than something from, was better than a Jimi Dean sausage from the grocery store. Right. 6 out of 10 for me.

Yeah. No, it was good. Oh, what about your sandwich? You want me to talk about the sandwich, Garrett? I'll tell you about the sandwich. How was it? I didn't taste it. It was griddled egg and it was perfectly prepared bacon.

This sandwich, I'm telling you, my only notes that I put were dot, dot, dot. Wow. Comma. Yeah. Period. Just wow. Yeah.

9 out of 10. Wow. Yeah. It wasn't, it wasn't the best breakfast sandwich I've ever had. That's the only reason. I worked on a TV show for a little while and they had catering trucks and in the morning they would make whatever

you wanted and I asked for like a sourdough breakfast sandwich, griddled egg, bacon, literally the same thing except this was on Texas toast. They prepared it a little better, but this was still pretty close and it was just waffle house. This dish is technically a melt, but because of my dietary aversion to cheese, I got it without that. And it was, it was perfection.

And if you are a cheese fan, you will love this sandwich as a melt because these ingredients are just so perfectly done. Now we saved the best for last. The namesake for last. Waffle house. Waffles. The classic waffle.

I wasn't impressed visually. Not at all. With these waffles. They're like big egos, but man are they good. They're so good. I got mine with pecans baked into it. Baked? What do you call it?

Do you bake a waffle, ironed into it? You catatonically stare at the waffles until they're done cooking. Yeah. She had laser vision. That's what she was doing. She was cooking the waffle through her cyclopsite. I disagree with you about saving the best for last.

I thought that my sandwich and the hash browns were better than my waffle, but my waffle was a very difficult addition to my meal. I'm going seven out of ten. I'll go seven and a half out of ten on the waffle. It was very good. Very tasty. This was one of the best waffles I've had in my

entire life. Yeah. How'd you get yours done? I just got the classic waffle. Nothing in it. Nothing on it. I want the basic taste of the waffle. Butter.

Did you sear up it? Yes. Butter and sear up. But first I took my fork, ran it across the top. Played it like a xylophone. Exactly. When you can hear your fork going across the top of your waffle, you know it's good.

Helicopter blades. Yeah. So then I just covered in butter and syrup. Wow. So good. Nine out of ten waffle. Yeah. I was blown away by this food experience, Garrett.

It was so good. I want to be a culinary snob. You know, we're in the food game. We're rusty boys. You're a midwesty, rusty boy. I'm a half midwesty, half-texy, rusty boy. I want to be snobby. I want to be like, I'm a food critic.

You need to impress me. Waffle House, you impressed me. And I am surprised by that fact. I'm going two thumbs up on Waffle House. Wow. Two thumbs up for the food. Unexpected for me. I mean, listeners, email us.

Find dining podcast at gmail.com. Did you know that Waffle House is this good in taste? Did you know, truly, are you biased and you just think it was good? Or do you remember it as bad? I want to hear it because I didn't expect this. It blew me away. I'll give it one thumb up. I'm not giving it two because that bacon disappointed me so much.

My bacon, at least the one on the sandwich, it was a textural masterpiece. The bacon had enough give to structure ratio that it only broke at the right moment of the bite force. It was, and the eggs were just like perfectly, this is food porn with Michael. Some porn music. Very quietly.

You know, actually, I kind of already did all the description that I had. The Texas toast, you know, perfectly toasted, a little bit of sizzle. Yeah, it was so good. So I'm sorry we had different bacon experiences, but man. Hey, Michael, what's the longest you would be willing to drive to a Waffle House now that you've experienced the glory of the food? Still about the 25 minutes that I did drive. I'm not road tripping for Waffle House.

Not like we did for Rainforest Cafe. No, that was 90 minutes and that was because it was a very special attraction. But I will now happily go back to a Waffle House. If someone's like, you want Waffle House, I'll probably be like, you know what? Yeah, I want that sandwich again. Final rating. Okay, Dyna Maniacs. It is time to rate Waffle House.

But before we do, let us tell you about our rating scale. We've got the Chachki of mediocrity on the wall back home in LA. So we brought with us the Chachki of mediocrity. The Chachki of mediocrity. Just a little printed out picture of the Chachki of mediocrity. And we're going to throw Waffle House's logo up on the board to keep track of our rating scale while we are out of town. And then when we return, we will attach it all to the Chachki of mediocrity.

And you will be none the wiser. But the Chachki of mediocrity is our Frank and Chachki. You can see it on our Instagram at Fine Dining Podcasts. See pictures of basically every wall Chachki from all these places mashed together into one giant majestic wall piece. That also serves as our rating scale across the middle of the surfboard on the Chachki. And we have, we have the zone of mediocrity that we don't talk about too much. And that's our four to six score.

That is where you are safely mediocre. And there, if a restaurant scores in the four to six range. We are safe. No punishment from the you must bowl. However, if you go outside of four to six, if you venture, if you dare to venture too far from mediocrity, it is not mediocre enough. It is punishable by bowl.

And the you must bowl is a bowl from which we draw you must statements out of that tell us what we have to do at the next restaurant we go out to. It is high stakes. We have had to do things such as inflating a flamingo inner tube pool toy while at dinner and then wearing it out of Rainforest Cafe. But it was the perfect environmentally additive thing. We had to, I had to eat dessert blindfolded at Denny's.

That was off of a skillet, a hot skillet. You risked your knuckles. Burn your knuckles for you listeners. So that's why you should follow us on social media and go see these things because as a podcast, we're not visual, but our social media, we are documenting all of our punishments just for you. Garrett, are you ready to see if there's another punishment this week or if Waffle House is safely mediocre?

I'm ready. What you got? Overall, I gave this for atmosphere. Two thumbs down. Right. Service, one thumb up. Yep. Food, one thumb up.

That sounds like it all cancels out to a perfect zero thumb experience. Yeah. I, all nubs. All nubs. So I'm going to give you a thumbs up. So I'm going to give this a 5.09. That is remarkably mediocre. 5.09.

Yes. Wow. I think we hit our mark today. You know what? This is actually even closer to five from me. Wow. This is, I mean, if I had to define mediocrity, it is very close. I went two thumbs down on atmosphere, two thumbs up on food,

straight nubbin' it on service. Zero thumbs. That also is a perfectly zero thumbs experience. I'm going to go 5.02. What? 5.02. The only way it could have been more mediocre is if it was all nubs, all no thumbs all the way across.

This was remarkably mediocre, but in a kind of polarizing way to where the food was offset by the atmosphere and the service is right where I expected it. I thought this was very mediocre. Yes. And that puts it up on the chachki of mediocrity at 5.06. Slap it on the board. We literally set a new, closest, most mediocre restaurant one week ago with Bob's Big Boy, and now we are even closer to finding true mediocrity.

I think we've hit our stride. 5.06. We are honing in on mediocrity. We didn't find it. 5.06 is not the same as 5.00. No. So the search does continue, and that means we have to play the headline game. The rules of the headline game are as follows.

Garrett will present three headlines to Michael that include this week's restaurant. They can be made up, or they can be actual headlines. If Michael can correctly guess if at least two out of three are real or fake, he will get to select next week's restaurant. However, if Garrett stumps him, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? I am ready to play the headline game, and Garrett, this week, we're doing it a little bit different. Is that right?

Oh yeah, this is Waffle House, so this is Baral style. It is the King of Headlines. We have gotten, how many headlines did you get out? I got 21 Waffle House headlines. Okay, so we're doing a lightning round. I just have to get, what was it, 10 in two minutes? You can do that. So we're going to put two minutes on the clock.

I have to get 10 of these headlines correct, and if I do, I get to move on. I get to pick. Yeah, all right. It's going to be a fight, let's go. Dude, I have a feeling, not to make a Christmas pun, but this is going to be the gift that literally keeps on giving. Oh, it does give many sharp objects. And concussions, I'm sure.

And animals. All right, two minutes on the clock. Let's do it. Hit me, Garrett. Hit me, Garrett. Machete-wielding man steals motorcycle at Waffle House crashes during Chase Authority Save. True. You're right.

Man attacks complete stranger with Machete, slicing her repeatedly at Daytona Beach Waffle House. Uh, true. You are correct. Man leaves unwelcome tip that robs Waffle House with Machete. True. You are incorrect. No. Waffle House employee brandishes knives during fight with fellow employee video shows.

True. You are correct. Police, victim stabbed, shot at separate Atlanta Waffle Houses within four hours. True. You are correct. Stabbing victim walks to Waffle House for help. True. You are correct.

Man walking into traffic and waving chainsaw apprehended near Crossville Waffle House. Uh, false? No, that is true. Man with snake around neck confronts guard in Waffle House showdown. False. That is true. Of course it is. Guard up.

Alligator busted for loitering outside Waffle House. One minute. False. That is true. Really? Not even a downpour of iguanas will shut down Waffle House. True. That is false.

No. Man in coma for four weeks after Waffle House waitress allegedly spiked his drink with meth. True. That is true. Clown smoking meth at Georgia Waffle House arrested on drug charges. True. That is true.

Drug ring used Bradenton Waffle House to store meth shipments. False. That is false. 30 seconds remaining. Waffle House in East Tennessee raided for drugs. False. True. Of course.

Classic. Two drunk marines dine and dash at Waffle House and proceed to vandalize helicopter. False. That is true. Three hospitalized following hazmat situation at Waffle House. True. Waffle House through Waffle House ceiling shoves patron in chaotic scenes caught on camera. True.

True. Yes. I got it. Waffle House bomb trap made by man live streaming from parking lot. It's done. You don't have to keep going. I'm still going. Okay.

True. Yes. You're right. Race car catches fire explodes in Beaumont Waffle House parking lot. True. That is true. Woman arrested after allegedly live streaming birth from Waffle House bathroom. True.

That is false. And the last one. Man set fire in Myrtle Beach Waffle House bathroom after locking himself in for four hours warranty. That sounds like it has to be true. That is true. Okay. I got 13 right and eight wrong. But more importantly, I got 10 right within two minutes almost right in the buzzer.

Okay. Well, that means I get to pick. You took me to Southern Trashy. I'm going to take you to what I hear is Southern fancy. Okay. I've never been and I'm not an adventurous eater, but I'm going to try me some fried alligator. We're going to Papado. Yeah.

We're going to get some like Cajun, you know, Southern style kitchen seafood restaurant. I'm excited. That will be a very new experience for me. I'm actually, I'm excited to try it. I'm down for some Cajun food always. Yeah. I'm excited to see what this brings and we will talk to all of you about it next week. Thank you for listening to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America.

We did not find it this week, but we were close. We are going to keep looking. We're going to find you that perfect 5.00 out of 10. Thank you, everyone. Keep sharing us with your friends and giving us five star ratings on iTunes. We really appreciate the support that we've gotten so far. Genuinely, I've been overwhelmed by it. The search continues.

Have a fine day. And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars? Follow us on TikTok, the same on Instagram, all the socials at Fine Dining Podcast. We have a website, findiningpodcast.com, buy our t-shirts, then put them on. And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next. Okay! We're going to find a mediocrity. The search continues.

See you next week! I heard my throat a little. Have a fine day.