Fine Dining - No Nips for Us! Strip Club Review feat. Ryan Keely & Dana Scarborough [Episode 69 Special Part Two]

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

No Nut November + the 69th Restaurant! Nice! Note: One of the mics wasn't working properly. It should sound fine, but Dana is a little quieter than I would've liked. Apologies in advance. Note #2: This was also recorded before the decision was made to shake up the show's format this season, so it's the final episode to contain "This Is Way Too Much," "What's Going On Over There?" and no super awesome cold opens. Sam's Hofbrau is technically a strip club, but not based on what we experienced! I brought adult film star Ryan Keely and Dana Scarborough of the I Seduce the Dragon podcast to the strip club for the food which is like reading Playboy for the articles! A metal detector that everyone's setting off, and no one's doing anything about it Ryan details why we legally weren't able to see any nips "It's my first day" What's Going On Over There with Herbert asking an actively-dancing stripper to do a pull-up?? What we ate: Street tacos, hamburger, breakfast sandwich, wings, fries, & coffee Ryan trashes J.W. Marriott while Dana lauds Korean BBQ in the Calibration Station Ryan tries to cause chaos by unrigging and rerigging the You-Must Bowl drawing to force me to go somewhere of her choosing next week "Fine" Dining is now on video! Head on over to my YouTube to watch this episode! Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Gabe Alvarez (@spooky.gabe) Segment Transitions Voiced by: Sandy Rose "Fine" Dining is on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month (My November Patreon exclusive episode about Pacific Northwest Seafood institution Ivar's Acres of Clams comes out in just a few days on the 30th! From bomb threats to no working water, my guest, author Temple West and I went through a LOT just to eat here), extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Joyce Van, & Sue Ornelas   Get the 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send in your strip club food stories at [e-mail].   Follow the show on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast Follow I Seduce the Dragon on Instagram @istdpod Follow Ryan Keely @ryankeelytm Follow Dana Scarborough @xoxodanajean   Let me know where I should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I read every one!   Next week on "Fine" Dining: California Pizza Kitchen History [Part One]! Comedian Holly Brown Ioves CPK with a passion, so naturally she had to be my guest. Ever work at California Pizza Kitchen? Send your stories to [e-mail].

Hello there everyone! Two quick notes before I start this episode. First, this episode was recorded before I decided to shake up the format for season 3, so it's still structured with the segments I had in season 2. I'll be back to the style I debuted in the previous episodes for Casa Bonita next week. And secondly, it was this recording where I realized one of my microphones isn't working properly so please excuse the fact that my guest Dana sounds a little quieter. I've done what I can with it.

It'll sound fine, but I'm a perfectionist, so it bugs me. Okay, enjoy the second half of episode 69. Nice. Hello, and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America I'm your host Michael Ornelas and I am looking for mediocrity in restaurant form Representing those of us who identify as average much like me Because you know when when someone's like all that place is mid that doesn't mean it's bad

But they use it as an insult and I don't like that. Is that a thing people say? Yeah, it's mid mid I'm not cool at all. I don't like that. Is that a thing people say? Yeah. It's mid. Mid. I'm not cool at all. I don't leave the house, I spend my time. Well, I should probably say who y'all are. Oh. Oh yeah. I'm Ryan Keely. We've got Ryan Keely.

I'm Dana Scarborough. Dana Scarborough from the I Seduce the Dragon podcast, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast where five ladies play together. We are, yeah, we are two fifths of the cast of I Seduce the Dragon. It's a D&D podcast for people that don't play D&D. Yeah, who just wanna hang out, maybe learn about D&D,

or just laugh at our jokes and hang out with us. This is no nut November, this is the last week. I didn't eat any nuts at any of the restaurants I went to this month. No nut November, this is the last week. I didn't eat any nuts at any of the restaurants I went to this month. No Nut November has officially concluded. I didn't eat no nut at any restaurants, but I definitely swear. Okay.

No. No. So in this show, like I said, I'm looking for the most mediocre restaurant, a bar, a measuring stick against which everything else can be measured. You gotta know what that perfect five point double zero out of ten is before you can define something as good or bad above or below it.

Currently, the leader is Cracker Barrel at a five point oh one out of ten. So I'm very, very close to ending the podcast, but not quite there. I didn't find perfect mediocrity. We are going to talk about all the things that we experienced here today, and we're going to break it down into three categories. We're going to talk about all the things that we experienced here today, and we're gonna break it down into three categories. We're gonna talk about their atmosphere. We're gonna talk about its service. That was creepy.

And we're gonna talk about its food. Mmm, yum. So that's the criteria we're gonna talk about. We're gonna jump in talking about Sam's Hofbra, a strip club for episode 69. Nice. Our table is finally ready. Let's jump into it.

["FINE DINING"] Your table is ready. Take a seat. The flavor of the day is mediocrity. Wouldn't you like to try a fine? Guarantee it'll be the perfect five. Fine tiny. Better than you thought, worse than you hoped. Fine tiny.

We don't treat media per ads a joke. Breaking every single place we've been. Looking for the perfect five out of ten. So the vibe of this place, very red. It was a lot of red. Tonally, it was. Yeah. Everything was a brownish red. I would not have been, it was kind of gave me Italian restaurant vibes.

It did, yeah. And this is the first time I've been in there during the day. Normally when I've been in there, it's so packed. I had never even noticed the color of the booths. What anything looks like. Yeah, it's normally just a sea of a mass of humanity. Yeah, the tables are a brown marble and they're very sturdy tables. The booths were like a reddish leather,

very, like no tears in the booths. Overall, like clean. What I thought was interesting. New floors that didn't seem dirty. No. Those floors were actually sparkling clean. I noted that in the bathroom. Yeah, same, the bathroom was pristine.

Was the bathroom also red lighting? No. The bathroom was sparkling. Yeah, it was a really clean bathroom, yeah. Yeah, I didn't go in there. You mingled with some of the dancers in there. Oh, you always gotta go in there. That's the pro move.

Yeah. You go into the bathroom and you hang out because- Well, I would get kicked out if I went into that bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's the fun part of kind of getting to see behind the curtain if you're just busy. Because there's usually one women's restroom

and everyone's in there. And I kind of feel like I am, it's sort of for me that feeling of when I was in high school and there was a cool girl bathroom and it was not my bathroom, but sometimes I would go into it. It kind of feels like that, but the girls are nice. You're like, I'm nervous.

You got a secret invite to a club that you're like, I don't even know if I'm allowed to go. Yeah, yeah. And it's usually, there was nobody there in the restroom when I went, but in my experience, it's been such a hype zone. Like everyone is hyping each other up so much in the bathroom. It's very positive.

Very positive. I don't know, is that typical? Is that what you experienced? Man oh man, I've had a lot of experiences in the Sam's Hoff Bra bathroom. Today I was not attempting to purchase cocaine. That's good. Which speaks to growth.

I am glad to be out of my 20s. Yeah, didn't do it on the back of the toilet. They actually do have a great shelf. If one was. I noticed the shelf. You have to be tall or have heels. Yes, yeah, they do have a perfectly placed height shelf that is not the back of the toilet.

It is above the toilet if one was Inclined to Inclined to Partake Snort, yay. Put their purse up there. Yes. Oh, okay.

Man, oh man. I always liked the Sam's Hoff bra bathroom because, so in a strip club, there's the locker room, there's the dressing room, the DR. But there's also the women's restroom, because by law, there are required to have a man in a women's bathroom, even though they have a primarily male clientele.

So dancers will get yelled at if they're just hanging out in the dressing room, but they can hang out in the women's restroom and it's kind of like a secret like. It's like your break room that. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the, cause if your manager comes in and sees you in the dressing room just dicking around,

they're gonna be like, get back on the floor. Whereas if you just pop into the ladies room, they can't really say anything Right, right. So it's the hang. It's always a spot to go. Okay, it's where you get the hot goss the good tips Yeah, yeah the terrible drugs And sometimes some phone numbers now one of the things that Set the tone before you even walk in, big metal detector, security guard,

but like, I found it funny. Everyone that was walking through the metal detector was setting it off and then just going, and I was like, does this do nothing? Or what's the standard here? But this is while we were waiting for you. And so like, I didn't notice that there was someone there actually patting people down and that there was that extra step.

I think the metal detector, like, it rates, like, how much metal you have on if it gets to a certain, like, threshold. Oh, threshold. If you're, like, a knight clinking in. Yes, clinking in. And actually, they had knight's armor to the right. Did they? They did have a suit of armor. Yeah, on. They had a giant suit of armor.

I also noticed that the security guard was listening to a church service. I love that. Wait, what? I love that. On like radio? On his phone. Yeah.

Outside and inside, there are giant signs, tip or die. Yeah. One in neon outside, one in graffiti on the inside. Very cool art. The graffiti, I didn't see it outside, but the tip or die graffiti art inside was very, it was really fun. It was cool and tasteful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it was genuinely art. It wasn't just a sign. It was like a cool installment. That's why Sam's Hoffa, I think, is the coolest strip club in LA. And a lot of people say it's Jumbo's, but no, Jumbo's hasn't been good since. Jumbo's, my experience is also incredibly crowded.

Incredibly crowded. It's too crowded. And then too many people for how small the bar is. No titties, no nips. Now, there were no dancers in sight when I walked in. No, because we showed up when it opened. Well, it's open. There were no dancers in sight when I walked in. No, because we showed up when it opened. Well, it's open.

But this is why I want to have a conversation about was an employee versus an independent contractor, because the dancers are independent contractors, so they cannot be scheduled to come in as a victim. So they show up when they want. OK. And yeah, and so they're not. So if they, so that's when they get a role in whenever.

Because if they were told to be there at a specific time and required by law, then they would have to be. They would be an employee. And you know, then they would be offered all these protections that strip clubs are not gonna offer. And they would get dental. They would get dental and strip clubs make a lot of money off of the dancers

because the girls actually pay to work. Right. So they can pay a house fee of anywhere from $15 to $250 before they even step on the floor. Just wild. But yeah, it was like, I haven't been to a strip club in 12 years. That's the only time I had been to one.

I went like at night to like experiment Rhino, probably at like 11 or midnight in Vegas 12 years ago. So that's what I have to compare this to. And I walked in and I was a experiment rhino probably at like 11 or midnight in Vegas 12 years ago. So that's what I have to compare this to. And I walked in and I was genuinely like, I don't see anyone here who I even think works here other than like a bartender. I was shocked that that's why I had you call ahead

about the kitchen being open. Because I was like, just because it says it's open at 12, doesn't mean it's actually open at 12. So what I'm noticing when I come in, you know, billiard tables in the back, they're playing biggie over the speakers. Music selection, honestly, I like the one, I mean, this is an old guy complaint, this isn't like a thing everyone's gonna agree with,

but we're sitting there talking and there's no dancing going on, yet they still crank the music. Which I'm just like, I would imagine you're doing that for a performance, not just still crank the music. Right. Which I'm just like, I would imagine you're doing that for a performance, not just to drown out conversation. It's a vibe setting thing. It's a vibe setting thing because if it's too quiet,

people walk in and it feels eerie. Yeah. And it did, I would say, when we walked in. And so the volume. They need it to be party as soon as you get in. As soon as you walk in the door. That makes sense. I like conversations. Like I said, it's a personal. It's an old man thing Yeah, yeah, it's not for me. I'm reading playboy for the articles

I like to go to strip clubs for the conversation Well, I mean we'll get into it in service that is kind of what we ended up going for yeah So lovely that actually is usually what you get a strip of. I do feel the table was kind of tiny, and I don't necessarily know what that was to encourage. Like, I just felt like the table we were at was very crowded with plates and stuff like that. It wasn't practical for, like, even if you were to get a lap dance.

I think it's more of a cocktail table. Yeah, I think we end up at a cocktail table. We were at a cocktail table because there was booths on the far end that where I saw girls doing lap dances that did not... that had much more of a banquette situation. I guess I didn't notice a difference in the... Yeah, they were a little bit like more of like a proper four-top table over like when you walked in.

Not the... Under the tip or when you walked in, not the- Under the tip or die sign. Yeah, under the tip or die. Yeah, those tables were more like a proper- Yeah, there was more space, there was more space for, there's more bank head space for lap dances. I suspect that they have them with a smaller table so they can have more groups of tables

and so they can fit more people in. Is my assumption, I could be completely wrong. Yeah, that makes sense. They get a bunch, especially if they're going to do the table dances. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now, the vibe, I'll kind of slightly transition us. Like, we'll talk a little bit about the atmosphere

that the dancers offered, and then we'll talk about the dancers specifically in service as a compromise. I didn't see a single nipple. Not a single nipple. Not a single nipple, no. To call this a strip club, the only thing that was stripped was there was a stage dance and like a skirt that was already nothing was removed. Yeah.

So by law, where she was on the stage, cause she was engaging with us and I paid her specifically to go up and dance on the stage. Yeah. Because she was still chatting with you guys. Right. She wasn't far enough away from you to legally take her pop off.

Okay. That's why there's that deep pit in the middle of the Sam's Hoff Bra stage, because that's the nipple zone. That's so interesting. Is that the only place in the club? That's the only place in Sam's Hoff Bra where a nipple can be revealed.

Really? Yes. Huh. And so normally that area doesn't get used until there's enough dancers to fill the stage. And so when you have a full slate, a full roster up, then the DJs will start making the girls rotate through the stage.

There wasn't enough customers and there wasn't enough dancers to do a full stage rotation, because otherwise those two girls would have been up every other song. Right. And that's not fair to anybody. Yeah. And so that's why you have to wait

until later in the day when everybody's come in, and then they'll start rotating the girls through. It'll be like you do one song in this station, one song in this station. It'll be like five different areas on the stage, and one of them will be the topless part. Yeah. And that will be their last rotation before they exit the stage and one of them will be the topless part. See, I... And that will be their last rotation

before they exit the stage and then go talk to people for tips and dances. Yeah, so it's like a lead up to it. Yes. And walking the floor, you can't be topless? Absolutely not. Interesting. Like I said, where they were...

During the lap dance, you can't be topless? Absolutely not. Interesting. Not in this county. So what, I guess what's the determining factor, what's that to prevent? It's every county, it's blue laws, it's liquor laws, it's vice law, it's all very subjective.

It's in my opinion very, very silly. It's why LA doesn't have a good strip club culture and that's why this is the only place that has booze and Nip but you're only gonna see Nip in that one area of the stage, because anyone... That we never saw anyone go into. Yes, because there wasn't enough dancers to fill the stage. So when you go to a bar that advertises as, like, bottomless...

So, in Miami, there's full liquor and full nudity just everywhere. And it is a... Whoo! Shout out to Tootsies. and full-nuded ages everywhere. And it is a, whoo, shout out to Tootsies. Who's up? Who's up? Who's up? Who's up? Who's up?

Who's up? And it just varies state by state and county by county and city by city. And- But like, but in LA- In LA, if it's bottomless, there's no liquor. Yeah. So is liquor the reason that-

Yes. Topless, okay. Yeah, so it's- And is that to per like, to dissuade touching from drunk customers? It's apparently like, you know, it's a puritanical thing. It's like people can't handle boobs and, you know, nips and liquor at the same time.

That's entirely what it is. And that's like, if you wanna see pussy, you can't have any alcohol. And so, there's a lot of, there is a lot, actually there's more full nude strip clubs in Los Angeles, which are 18 and up, than there are, I mean, I mean, topless. Topless, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Yeah, because I guess I didn't know what to expect. I know nothing about what the laws or the expectations should have been. But I guess what my assumption was was, you walk in the door and it's just fine

to be topless inside. No, and that's interesting. And it depends on your city, yeah. Could I have been topless? I was just gonna say, I mean, you... They threw you out, unless you were there for a bachelor party and you tipped to be brought up on stage. However, I mean, you could have tried.

It would have been an ordeal, but you could have tried, I guess. For me to get topless? Yeah. Then someone really would have gotten chased out of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It is very much city by city and county by county.

And it's interesting, like the distance, you can be like, there's some strip clubs where you can be topless in the lap dance area and you can be topless on stage. You cannot be topless walking around. Okay. And so there's a lot of like not allowed to be topless while walking around.

Like you have to be in a defined area to get topless. Yeah, yeah. And like Oklahoma's like that. Do pasties count as not topless. Yeah. Yeah. And like Oklahoma's like that. Do pasties count as not topless? Yes. OK. Yes. And that's why burlesque is allowed at places. Got it. That's why, you know, a lot of hipster bars will have like burlesque nights, because if you got pasties, they can get away with some things.

Right. Which is like jumbos is like the classic like black tape. Yeah. Yeah. So about the atmosphere, is there anything else that you all wanna say? They definitely had some regulars that were there. There were people there before us. Yes. There's a couple guys there at the bar

when the dancers started to trickle in. And it was actually kind of fun to be there. I feel it was atmospheric to see the dancers walk in. Right. You know, pre-glam. Yeah. Right, yeah, yeah. And then they come back out later and it's like, oh, that's- In the flip flops, in the-

Sweatpants. Yeah. But like still looking cute. There was one girl that was hanging out at the bar still like that. Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Which I think adds to the atmosphere. Yeah. Totally. So the weird thing about this is I'm asking you

to compare this to like restaurants. Cause like we did go for this primarily as a dining experience. So considering this against restaurants that you've been to that you like for the atmosphere, from a scale of two thumbs down to two thumbs up, where are you placing this? Two thumbs up.

You think so? It was clean. I liked the music and the staff was very helpful. Yeah. I would say. I felt very music and the staff was very helpful. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I would say. I felt very comfortable. Two thumbs up as well.

It was. Wasn't too dark, wasn't too bright. I mean, I walked away having had a good time, having had a decent meal. I guess I feel I can have a good time at a place that I don't think is nailing it in certain regards. I didn't have a problem with this, but to me it was very neutral.

It was too loud for me. It was a little too dim for me. Nothing offended me, nothing impressed me, and my expectations were just, I guess, incorrect as far as what I thought the vibe would be. So I'm gonna go just thumbs right in the middle, just like a flat neutral, not bad, not good. Let's go in and talk about the service.

Service. Okay, so the valet, it's $11. It's right next to the establishment. It is a sketchy neighborhood where there isn't a lot of street parking. You're not going to find it. But it is a fairly spacious parking. Yeah.

It's very large. And I think $11 for parking, especially during the day when you're not going to pay a cover to get in, it's worth it. It's not the worst offense. $11 for parking in LA is a goddamn bargain, in my opinion. I have a situation right now with my vehicle in which a spider lives in the side view mirror. This is what I was hoping would come up.

And when I pulled my car up to the valet, he came and he saw the spider web situation and went, ooh. It's haunting. Yeah. It's a situation. You look like you're decorating for Halloween. And the thing is, though, I have eliminated the spider web multiple times. I've also, at one point, had what I thought

was the spider eliminated. He was kind of like looking at it, and I said, if you see it, you can smush it. And he said, smush? And he said, oh, English kill? And I said, yes. Smush. And he said, uh, andush. And he said, and...

That was a thumbs up for people that are just listening? Yeah, he said he would smush the spider for me if he saw it, and he was laughing about the word smush. And he... Which is adorable. Yeah, he was really sweet. When we left and I picked my car up, he said he didn't see the spider,

and in a very encouraging way, he said I do need to wash my car up, he said he didn't see the spider. And in a very encouraging way, he said, I do need to wash my car. And that I might need to take the door panel off to find the spider. Where is it? It's a 2018 Subaru Forester. I think that's actually very smart. Cause that probably is where it is.

It's hiding somewhere inside. And then when we went, we wanted to take a picture with the Sam's Huff Brass sign behind us for the cover art for this, and you wanted a hair tie. And the guy produced a hair tie. I mean, too late. We'd already taken the photos. It was clearly a hair tie that had been found on the ground.

It was a ground squad. But it was very thoughtful. Because we were leaving at this point, all of us in the vehicle and he knocked on the window. To give me a hair tie. Yeah, it was very sweet. Yeah. I didn't, yeah, no, I'm-

Which- Did not use it, yeah. Which is, it's a gesture- It's a kind gesture. But it's the type of gesture that I wanna give the Fine Dining Weekly Award to, this is way too much award. I think just the notion of chasing someone down.

To give them a hair tie that was clearly found on the ground of a strip club parking lot in downtown Los Angeles. Very kind. Basically Skid Row. Very kind. Basically Skid Row. Very kind. Very kind, but not what we needed. Way too much. Too much. Way too much.

Okay, and then security guard. Lovely. Yeah. I didn't really, I didn't chat with him too much. I was kind of. And that's actually kind of what you want. Is he wants someone that like moves you through. Yeah. Was respectful. Put your bag that moves you through, was respectful.

Put your bag here, go through. Check my bag. Didn't give me any creepy vibes at all, which sometimes happens with security guards. Did the thing beep for either of y'all? Yes. Did he pat y'all down? No.

No. Okay, he patted me and my friend Herbert down. I'm curious if he handles men and women differently. I mean, I haven't patted down going in there, but I was definitely wearing a baggy. Yeah. Definitely had my Glock. Yeah.

I have been patted down at places. I think it depends on what you're wearing, but because it's summer attire. Yeah, in Hollywood, I've been patted down at bars before in clubs. I'm happy to whatever keeps people safe. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I'm always curious because I know that.

That strip club, there has been shootings at that strip club. So there's several. Like, I see on Yelp, and I was a little nervous because I'm a wimp. It was like, oh, this is like a gang hangout spot for a certain gang. I mean, yes and no. Yeah. And the shootings weren't necessarily game related.

Sure. But yes, there have been shootings at Sam's Hoff Bra and it is in Skid Row. Yeah. And also, yeah, the security guard was friendly, but not too friendly. He efficient. Got us through.

Got us through. Checked my purse, but didn't take everything out. Same thing with my backpack. I was actually- You had a mobile podcasting suite with you. You know, I like to be prepared. I like to bring about my dualities. I brought an extra mic just in case.

I brought an extra pair of headphones. I brought some goodies for the dancers, for goodies for you. I brought just my makeup, because there's just something very nostalgic about showing up. I didn't take an after picture. Yeah, you did just straight up do your whole makeup at the table. Always be grooming.

Which is amazing. ABG, always be grooming. Always be grooming. And that was just more of a nostalgia from working at strip clubs where like, yeah, I'm here on time, but I'm not made up. Right. Yes, I'm on the floor, technically.

OK, so now I want to talk up. Right. Yes, I'm on the floor, technically. Okay, so now I wanna talk about our server. A guy who made it very clear, I'm not a server. Yeah. And there were some basics that I was just shocked. I was like, I don't even think you need to have serving experience to be able to nail this part of the job.

That like, bringing us our drinks and just putting like three of them in front of you and then like one he was like I don't know who had what and just handing people like it's it's I'm not offended I don't care but it's funny. I don't know what his job is then. Yeah. Hottie. He was to his credit. He was very attractive.

Was he your type? No not really actually. Yeah not my type either but. Yeah. He had some swagger. Yeah he was he Yeah, not my type either, but... Yeah. Ah! He had some swagger. Yeah, he was cutey, he was cutey.

And yeah, gave some excellent guidance and some honest feedback about the menu options, which I really appreciated, because some places... They hype everything up. Yeah, like everything's great, or they're like, I haven't eaten it. Yeah.

He seemed like he was just helping out. Right. He felt like they phoned a friend, like, hey, Jerry. And he was doing his best, but that was his best. And honestly, I thought he did a pretty good job. Yeah, I think once he got into it, maybe he was a little nervous to do it. Maybe he was like...

He did seem a little nervous. Yeah. The actual servers who apparently wear red hot pants showed up around right as we were leaving because... Yeah, they show up at three. Yes, damn. But honestly, I think... I enjoyed those hot pants.

I didn't see the hot pants. So then the bartender, I didn't interact with them too much. I turned $50 into 45. Yeah They take like a little did you need to just single eyes your money? Yeah, did you take that I ended up with most of it still? Oh, yeah What was the ATM fee eight dollars eight dollars, which I have seen worse. That is not that bad. I actually as someone who just had to get up

and use the restroom because I was too hot and take my bra off, I had the delightful experience of taking my bra off and discovering just wads of cash in my titties. Amazing, amazing. Because there wasn't enough dancers there for me to really get to spending. Yeah, No, I mean, well, I also feel like we were kind of overlooked by dancers for the first, again, we had food out. We were eating, yeah. I'm not saying there weren't reasons, you know, you assumed was a regular. I clocked him as a regular, yeah. And yeah, let's talk about the two dancers that we really-

I did see that one regular though, once he moved to the other side of the bar. I did at one point see him throw up, like, and I saw it rain. Yeah, which I'm not gonna do right now with this. I've never, like- Oh, making it rain is the, there's no better feeling in life. Do we want to?

Not yet. No. Yeah. No, I can't. I already have the vapors. What's gonna happen if I make it rain? This can be a me and Dana thing. You can just sit there while money falls down.

That's fair, that's fair. I can recline. I can recline. Not yet, not yet. I feel like it'll be... Stay tuned. Stay tuned. We're gonna make it rain.

There'll be a reward for yeah, so let's talk about the two dancers that we kind of So there was about four five dancers that came in that I said I saw yeah By the end there were probably almost a dozen out there. Mm-hmm Many along the bar. I saw probably like six just sitting at the bar. There were the two by us There were a couple others walking around. I saw probably like six just sitting at the bar. There were the two by us. There were a couple others walking around. But we had a girl come sit with us. And she was very cute.

She just kind of sat down and was like, hey, it's my first day. Y'all seem safe. Can I like sit here and just chat? And her name was Avalon. Avalon. Very sweet, very nice. Yeah, really personable was Avalon. Avalon. Avalon. Very sweet, very nice. Yeah, really personable.

She was lovely. Really fun to chat with. Probably my favorite person of the client. Yeah, that we. Not client, the staff. Yeah. The people that were representing Sam's that I interacted with.

And I can confirm that it was actually her first day, because that is frequently a line that some dancers use. It's like, oh, it's my first day. You're right. I went to go buy Avalon a drink because Dana and I were going to enjoy some fireball shots. And she's just said she wanted a whiskey Coke. Right.

And I asked the bartender, they're like, well, what kind of whiskey? I'm like, I don't know. She's one of your dancers. You probably know what her drink order is. Right. And I mean, it was convivial. We were joking around. Right, right, right. And I'm like, no,'t know, she's one of your dancers. You probably know what her drink order is. Right. And I mean, it was convivial. We were joking around.

Right, right, right. And I'm like, no, it's her first day. We don't know what her preferences are. Oh. And I was like, okay. Yeah, yeah. We hit it off right away. She lives in my neighborhood in Los Angeles,

which we had a lovely chat about. She might babysit for you? Yeah, she, of course course we're Instagram friends now. Obviously. And I said, I said, if you ever, if I ever see you in the neighborhood, please say hi. Like, and she's like, yeah, if you ever need a babysitter, like, it's that weird.

Like I babysit and I'm like, not weird. We actually don't have a babysitter. So. And like I said, I dress strippers with my kids because most of them have kids. Yeah. Supporting single moms at strip club. Supporting single moms. Yeah, but Avalon was absolutely lovely.

And she was the dance. Is the only person that we saw dance. Well, because when it's slow like that, they don't have dancers on stage, because it's not really worth their energy, and they usually will be there for like 12 hours. Right. Yeah, and she was like, I don't really know how this works here, but I will.

And she was super athletic on the pole. Oh, she did do some pole moves. Yeah. So she was on the stage. Dana, me, and my friend Herbert moved to the, what do you call it? The tip rail. Tip rail. Can I phone a friend?

I have a strip club DJ. Hey, how are you? Hey, I'm recording a podcast. And I wanted to ask you your, we're having a bit of a debate that relates to strip club DJ, or strip clubs in general, and I figure as someone who wrote the book, play something dancey, D. Simon, you could settle this debate. Do my best.

Okay, so the question is, I have only referred it called the tip rail. The seat's right up against the stage. Yeah, he knows what a tip rail is. Right in the front row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's being alleged that sometimes they're called other things. Sniffer's row or pervert's row? It's called the erection section.

The erection section. Gentlemen, step on up to the erection section. Party with a pussy. You don't want to be one. Oh. All right. That's good. Purvers Row is where it's at.

We used to say Purvers Row, too. Okay, so Purvers Row is legit. Have you ever heard Sniffers Row? I've never heard that one. But yeah, Purvers Row's legit. I mean, the tip rail's kind of like the proper term for it. But yeah, we spell it the erection section. The Christian name.

I love the erection section. I think that's great. Awesome. Thank you so much, D. name. I love the erection section. I think that's great. Awesome. Thank you so much, Dee. Dee Simon, Sick and Rock podcast. Out of delight. Thank you.

I'll talk to you later. Bye. Anyway, so we sat in erection section. We did. Yep. Yep. And genuinely very impressed by like pole. I mean, I don't watch a lot of pole dancing, but it's incredibly athletic.

Yeah, I will say that her butt was adorable. She had a very cute butt. Yeah. Yeah. And then you also met. Anita. Anita, yeah. Oh, she looks like an Anita.

Who also sat down with us and just kind of talked. She told us, she. She just went. Who also sat down with us and just kind of talked. She told us. She just went. She had great, great talking game. Because there's two ways to make money in a strip club. One is dancing, but oftentimes you don't get as much money from working the stage as you do from chatting people up. Because that's how you really build that rapport.

So being able to talk to strangers is one of the most important things that a stripper can do. Right. And man, oh man, did she have some great stories? I learned all about there's underground strip clubs in Los Angeles. Yeah. Oh.

I did find it funny that you also, the goodies that you mentioned that you came with were like 8 by 10s. And you signed some for both Avalon and Anita wrote them little notes and all that which I thought was very funny like that that basically as a seasoned pro you were giving career advice yeah you're like an auntie awesome it's a nice way to get to know the girls and it's it always goes over well I just keep doing it.

So at one point when Avalon and I- And I have a pile of fucking eight by 10s. So I'm like, what else am I gonna do with you? Avalon and I were chatting behind you guys and the eight by 10 fell onto Anita and Anita kind of picked it up and sat it in front of her. And Avalon was like, I hope I get that back from her. I really wanna get that back.

Yeah, I didn't get to hear any of Anita's stories. I was deep in conversation with Avalon. We were talking about autoimmune diseases. That sounds about right. I love that. Yeah. Now, one other thing about Avalon, I mean, less about Avalon and more just about when she danced. My buddy Herbert, you didn't witness this.

I was in there, no, yeah. You would have not, you would have cringed. I had to respond to some OnlyFans messages. Like he was impressed by the arm strength involved with pole dancing, and he was saying to me, oh, I wonder how many pull-ups she can do, she's probably really good, and I was like, yeah, okay. She's mosque and back.

But then he asked her to do pull-ups she can do like she's probably really good and I was like, okay She's my scan back, then he asked her like to do pull-ups And And it made me wonder a question like I know I brought the guy here But it's still that of all the things that happened in this environment was the most baffling to me And it made me wonder what's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there? Should I worry? Should I care?

What is going on over there? Over there! This one's less hypothetical and more just like, what the fuck dude? Yeah, I am so glad I wasn't there for that. I would have smacked him. And by the way, she did one. And then he was like,

I guess he put a few more singles out or whatever. And I was just like, you just killed and I told him in the moment. He killed the what? You killed the dance? You just killed the whole flow of the dance. Yeah, no, because then I looked up

and all of a sudden she was just like standing and chatting with you guys. And I was like, what did you guys do over there? I'm so glad I didn't get involved. That was all him. I was just like, I was like, she's doing her thing. Like, I know that we just chatted for 20 minutes and we got comfortable and like, you know...

You don't, when someone's on stage, you don't talk to them, you don't heckle. It's the same rules as a comedy club. I will say, it didn't come across as a heckle. Like, I think it's... No, no, no, no, no. It's the same, like, if someone's on stage... Like, it's okay to just chat.

But it really did, like it's okay to just chat. But it really did like kill the performance. It's a dance monkey question. Yeah. It's like, can you do this for a dollar? In the spirit of what this segment normally is, which is just hypothesizing what is going on. What do you think people thought?

Well, what was Herbert thinking? I'm just gonna go ahead and chalk it up to... Yeah, that's my question is what was going on inside his brain? He's my friend who I watch pro wrestling with and I just think the idea of do something buff. Yeah. That's it. I don't know, but I'm just gonna declare that is in fact... What's going on over there? What is going on over there?

Would you say that Avalon was musk and vasque? Or just purely vasque? I would just say she was in fit, or in shape. I would just say fit. She wasn't, no, no. There wasn't like a, like a bodybuilder. No, no, no, you can't still be musk without being like musk. That's true. Great. Is that the difference?

I just want to get into it. I just really want to chop it up when it comes to muscularity and vascularity. This is a... Saying something's Musk just sounds like it smells weird. Yeah. I don't like the phrase, it's Musk. Musk in strip club terms, there is something that we always used to call a swoosie.

A sway. Swoosie. Oh. Cause there is a very specific smell from wearing, it's sweaty pussy. Yeah. Combined with sweating in those spandex thongs. Yeah.

It is a very specific smell that the locker room smells like. And that is called, if I was to make a cologne, it would be eau de souci. You would, hold on, you would, that would be the choice you made as a cologne? Like I want more of the smell out there, not less of it? I think that it would be. It would sell.

It would sell. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina candle sold, so. Yeah, I mean that shit was a fire hazard. Yeah. My friend Julia had one of the ones that exploded. Really? Mm-hmm. She got that bomb pussy.

Really? Okay, so overall on the service. Delightful. Yeah. With thumbs, I am going to go, I'm going to go one thumb up. You weren't able to let me. I wasn't able to give a proper service review because you didn't get a lap dance. The gentleman we came with didn't get lap dances. And no, lap dances for women are different than lap dances for men.

They are different. I get it. And particularly lap dances that they're going to give to me knowing that I'm an adult film star. So that is not a metric that I'm going to comment on. No, no, no. So I'm going to give one thumb up on the service instead of zero. I was at zero because the guy who served us literally as a server did not know what he was doing.

Fair, fair. I don't know if at the bar our food came out hot. Well, that's a team thing. I'm just saying the liaison to us was whatever. Look, I'm not a fan. One thumb up is not a bad thing. Two thumbs up from Ryan Keely I give it two thumbs up. I think yeah, I've definitely I've had worse service at all sure

I had worse service at Michelin star restaurants to be honest I also am giving and like feel like they can get away with blowing. I'm also including in my As part of my thumbs up for service is that ordering drinks from the bar was very quick. Yes. Super quick. And that's not always the way in LA. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, I have no complaints about the service.

Again, I'm giving it a thumb up, but it's positive. That's fine. I'm sorry, we don't know your metrics. This is our- This is our first time. Yeah. I'm Shane. I'm Beau.

We are your Kentucky Fried Critics. We're here to let you guys know about what we do here. This is our podcast. We like to watch movies. Video games. Comic books. TV shows. Generally pop culture.

Art? No, not art. No, not art. Maybe not art. Mostly just movies. Yeah. We like to pair it with an adult beverage. Just come in, hang out with us, drink some beer, watch some movies, maybe pop some popcorn.

We're gonna have a great time here on Kentucky Fried Critics. We're just here to have a good time and talk about some great entertainment. Food. Yum, yummy. We didn't eat too much, so this will be a pretty quick food section, but I got the burger, which came with fries.

Herbert got a street taco. You got buffalo wings, and you got a breakfast sandwich. So first and foremost, those fries were good. They were well seasoned. They had a pepper with, I can't like place what the other. Something, something. It had something. Flavor. it had the flavor

Yeah, uh and you know, I I wish they were a little little crispier, but they were still good They had me coming back. I ate I ate all of them. They like the double fried kind. I do I don't know. I would assume those would be crispier. Yeah, I would think too But it had that it still kind of had like the flavor good crusty Outside even though it wasn't like it still kind of had like, almost like a good crusty outside, even though it wasn't like, it was a little smushier. It was like, it was so close to being there. It's like, the kitchen had just opened up,

so the grease wasn't hot enough yet. Oh yeah, the fryer probably, yeah, the fryer probably wasn't at. So maybe they're better, if we went right now, maybe they'd be better. I would go back for those french fries, and I might order them well done. But as were, you know what, that's what we should get.

We should go back during normal operating hours because what are we doing? We're not a strip club in the middle. Happy hour. You're gonna be there in the middle of an afternoon. You don't wanna be in the middle of the afternoon on the weekend. You wanna be in the middle of the afternoon.

Ryan, this is a comedy show. I'm looking for chaos and not the best foot forward The I am deeply pedantic So much free foot footage that I can sell I'm giving my socks on Anyway, yes, guys are good. I would give them a seven and a half out of 10. Ooh, that's a generous. That's, you know, well into good, almost great. Yeah, I would agree with that.

But I think that we need to go back either in the evening properly or for an afternoon on a weekday afternoon, because I feel like strip clubs in the afternoons, that's definitely someone who's like having a long lunch. That's when they're gonna see some more action. Yeah, Saturdays, everyone's hungover. I had the wings, it was large.

You got the buffalo seasoning. I got the buffalo. Which, I'm gonna be honest, he read out the options. I thought you picked the third best option. You know, I suggested lemon pepper. Lemon pepper would have been, I think, number one. Most reliable at a place like this. I don't love a lemon pepper wing, though.

But they also had mango habanero, and I would prefer that over a buffalo. Okay, so my thought with getting the buffalo was that it was gonna give a baseline of what their wing situation was. Okay, okay, okay. Not that impressive. There was enough of the wings versus,

there wasn't too many of the... Flats versus drums wings versus there there wasn't to be a little drums Yes, because I need to be able to do a fair amount of wing a lingus Excuse me I don't like Use it for the rest. I don't like the drumstick ones. I like the way I like I want to know it Yeah, the wing a lingus want an all flat, yeah. The wingalingus is where you put your tongue in between the two, the meat out between the two bones.

That is amazing. I don't think I coined the term, but it's very good. That's so good. In my head, you, you wingalingus. You're a genius, Dana. Wingalingus. Wingalingus. It's just the perfect term because it has a meaning

that we already know. You're my friend and I don't want to think about you doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One other thing, the wings did come with ranch instead of blue cheese and I would have liked a blue cheese. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Now these were, I thought, kind of the epiphy, the epitome of whatever. Yeah. Five out of 10 on these wings. Yeah. I didn't touch the wings. I would even say a four. You go lower?

Yeah, I've had some really good wings and these were just very basic. I probably should have gotten a different sauce. You're right. Yeah. In retrospect, the habanero, the mango habanero. The mango habanero. Or the Korean barbecue.

Korean barbecue was also. Oh yeah, and also we're right by Koreatown. So I think that we should have gone with something, fuck Buffalo, it's on the other side of the country. It is on the other side of the country. Other side of the country, we're not gonna do it right. But mango habanero, LA fucks with. Korean food, LA fucks with.

Now what's funny, my friend from Buffalo, you also met at a podcast movement. And as soon as you met him, you were like, hi, I'm Ryan. And he goes, oh, I know, big fan. And I was just like, you can't do that. Yeah, I can. I don't like, I don't know. The way he said it, I was just like, it was akin.

The way I felt inside, it was the same as when Herbert said, do a pull-up. So it sounds like you need some new friends. Does, I mean... I enjoy the cringe. And he what? And he has a fan. His friend is a fan. He has a fan?

He's a fan. I love my fans. And by the way, he was also a guest on this podcast. We went to Perkins in New York City a few weeks ago. Oh. Although at this point now a few months ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I got breakfast sandwich, yeah.

Oh, okay. And you tried it too, right? Yes. I think the breakfast sandwich was the big winner. Yeah, 100%. I'm gonna give it an eight out of 10. Eight out of 10. It was dank. Yeah, it was so good.

Like you said. So what all was in it? It was eggs. Eggs, some sort of meaty situation, some sort of cheesy situation. And on the sourdough. On a sourdough, perfectly toasted. Like a griddled, buttered sourdough. That's the way to do it. Yeah.

And as you described it, it was what the kitchen probably is their thing that they like to make. Yeah. Like it feeds the family. For the workers. It really did, because it was kind of, it was a little bit different than everything else on the menu. And while talking to our server who was not a server, because I was also looking at avocado

toast because they, this strip club had avocado toast. It probably would have come on that same bread. I love that. Yeah, so he said that he always gets avocado toast with an egg on it because otherwise it's a little too light. Oh, yeah, yeah. And that sounds like it would also be flat. Yeah, it'd be so good.

And so that's what really made me think that this is something that's more of like a kitchen staff order, like a back, you know, with the dancers or the bartender's order. So that's what made me pick that item. I am delighted with that item. It was a really good egg to cheese to meat to bread ratio. It was a perfect ratio.

Yeah. It was an absolute perfect ratio. I'm going to go so far as to say it's like one of the best breakfast sandwiches I think I've had. Really? Absolutely. If it didn't have cheese, I would have tried it. Yeah, it was really good.

Yeah, it was on par with some pretty spectacular breakfast burritos. It's up there? It's up there. And I love a breakfast sandwich. Me too. I like a breakfast sandwich too, yeah. It's up there. It's up there. It's like, I love a breakfast sandwich. I like a breakfast sandwich too. Yeah. I just love like breakfast cuisine is like.

It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Like you take all the like cultures, like, you know, I like Italian food. I like Chinese food. Breakfast as a cuisine, I think is like, it's up there with all the best cuisine. Yeah. And the french fries paired nicely.

And that's the thing. And they had great french fries with it. Yeah. And the french fries paired nicely. And that's the thing, and they had great french fries with it. And I also appreciated that there was napkins on the table, unlimited from the dispenser. There were so many that we went through. I have sensory issues, so I go through about a million napkins, and it was nice to not have to ask for extra napkins.

I really appreciate it. I had the wings, so I needed the napkins. I was a mess. So I tried two other things that I don't think either of you tried. Herbert got street tacos. Yes, he seemed very bad. They were bad.

I gave it a 2 and 1 half out of 10. And I thought that they'd be good, because I know that sometimes at night, they have a stand outside that does them. Well, also, on top of that, it's like, it's a very Mexican joint. Yeah. And it doesn't seem like something that's that hard to fuck up. Right. And then I had the burger, which I mean, it was literally just called the burger, had lettuce to mayo, mayo.

Honestly, it was pretty good. But like, I was an island. I like mayo on a burger. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I'll take it as they make it, but other than the no cheese. Yeah. But like, yeah, this was like, I was fine that I got it. I was happy with it, but like, it wasn't so good

that next time if I'm there, I'd be like, that's the thing I have to get. Right. Whereas this breakfast sandwich, I am 100%- Of course. I would like go for the breakfast sandwich. I'll probably order that next time and be like, no cheese. There's no cover?

Yeah. There's no cover in the daytime? Yeah. And you got to have a coffee with Bailey's too. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's what I ordered as my first beverage. Oh, they had coffee.

Yeah, they had hot, fresh coffee. The coffee was good. It was fresh coffee. Yeah. So I went 6 and 1 half out of 10 on the burger. Overall, again, right in the middle on the food, that street taco really takes it down. Yeah, very much so. That's for L.A. For L.A. to mess up a street taco.

When like that is one of our things. And I know that at night on that street, they have a taco stand. So I'm like, yeah. So I'm going I'm going thumbs in the middle. But given y'all's experience at the breakfast sandwich, I understand if y'all go higher. I mean, my my experience in the middle, but given y'all's experience at the breakfast sandwich, I understand if y'all go higher. I mean, my experience at the wings, I think, would have been a thumbs down, but because I got to have some of the breakfast sandwich and fries, I can make it more in the middle.

So you're also right in the middle? You know, as a... I would say two thumbs up, maybe I'm being generous, but because of your guys' disappointment, because we did not all have the experience that I had, I'm gonna do one up and one mid. Cause it's, that breakfast, it hit ordered well. Yeah, you ordered well. And like you deserve to enjoy the place for that. Zero thumbs on food, one thumb up, zero thumbs.

We're gonna take all this together. We gotta put it into a rating, but before we can do that, we gotta calibrate our scales because y'all haven't been on the podcast before. You haven't done all these restaurants, so we gotta define your end points. So we're gonna take a quick stop at the calibration station. Is that like the erection section? Yep, the calibration station is basically

the erection section. So we'll start with you, Dana. I'm going to ask you to define your zero and your 10 out of 10 dining experiences. What's the worst restaurant experience you've ever had? Worst restaurant experience I have ever had was the Casablanca in Mesquite, Nevada, which is the last spot in Nevada,

if you're heading towards Utah, where you can gamble, before you go into Arizona and then onto Utah. Is that where like the Mormon compounds are? It is, it is. Okay. They have a big billboard for this one particular casino that just had like a kind of soft focus, fuzzy, outdated picture of a seafood buffet.

Yeah. Oh no. And all it soft focus, fuzzy, outdated picture of a seafood buffet. Yeah. Oh, no. And all it said was seafood. Eat it. Like unironically. And I. Where was I think like Shoney's or something had one of the restaurants I went to had a very similar just like I did. I did. I did. Attitude and slogan. I did eat it.

I did think it was going to be a buffet. It was late, but I was defiant. Yeah. And they had basically put away the buffet and I was still like, I want crab legs. Oof, that is a sign. And they said yes. She's a bold woman. And they shouldn't have. She makes strong choices.

And it was still frozen on the inside. I did get sick. Of course you did! Yeah, I did drive home from Utah in pain. Oh my God. Yeah, it was gnarly. So that would be my zero. Sorry, Casablanca,

and then the city of Nevada. And then your 10. My 10 is the dining experience of eating Korean barbecue in Los Angeles with my Korean friends. Fuck yeah. It's the Bonchanchon comes out. I don't have to look at the menu

because my friends are ordering for me. The giant bottles of Cass are OB. And it's just this big family feeling that's like lovely. And it smells good. And then you end up smelling, you get meat sweats, but it's great. I love KBBQ. Yeah, it's so good.

Any specific place or just that vibe with that group? It's the vibe with the group. There's so many good options in Korea town. There's so much good Asian food, a bunch of different, like there's really good Chinese food, there's really good Korean food. I've had really good Japanese food. I've had recently Korean Chinese food.

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting and good. Nice. We have some of the best sushi. There's Sushi Mile in Studio City. The Valley Yeah. Interesting and good. Yeah. Nice. We have some of the best sushi. Yeah. There's Sushi Mile and Studio City.

The Valley is famous. The Valley is so good for sushi. Famous for its sushi, which is wild when you think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's like, LA, it's just strip malls. And I'm like, yeah, and they're full of treasures. Yeah, those strip malls have some of the best sushi.

All right, and then Ryan, your, let's start with your positive one. My. 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10. I have three that I cannot decide between. One was the winding stair in Dublin, Ireland. Tasting menu, the duck. Oh my gosh.

The duck. Fantastic restaurant. Kevin Meacham, before he opened Cali here at KALI and here in Los Angeles, he had like a private dining club Kevin Meacham, before he opened Cali here at KALI here in Los Angeles, he had like a private dining club that you could like, you'd pay and it would be in someone's backyard before he opened up his restaurant.

Holy fuck. That's so cool. God damn. Yeah. Like sparks flying out of my nipples, good. Yeah. Amazing. Like, whew. You're having, I think that's an allergic reaction. Yeah. You should get that looked at.

And then the, I guess this wasn't a restaurant, but it was, I had landed in Paris and this was my first international flight and I rolled up to, a friend of a friend was like hosting me and I rolled up to this house in this... It was like this hobbit house on an island in the sun. Yeah. And this tiny little French man,

it was in a purple velvet suit. Stop it. Stop it. Opened up the door, and it's like 7 a.m. And I walk in, and he's like, Oh, you know I'm friend of... I'm so happy to host you. I can smell crusty baguette. So he owned an art gallery that I was helping out at

for three weeks. And the last show that he'd done was a Russian artist. And so he had just gotten back from Russia and he had gotten caviar that hadn't even been processed. It was in a fucking Mason jar. What? 16 ounces of caviar. And he hooked me up like a good French soft scrambled egg

and drizzled like just. It was just perfect. So much caviar. That's like the best sandwich. Oh my God. So yeah, those are the top three meals that I can think of. All right, and then what's at the bottom end?

What's your zero? The JW Marriott in Bucharest. Specific story to it or just everything about it? It was so disgusting. Honestly, the Bucharest in the summer, the food fucking sucks. I was there for four days and every meal I had was worse than the previous one. They fucked up chicken nuggets?

How do you fuck up chicken nuggets? And the JW Marriott in Bucharest, it's the nicest hotel in Bucharest. Like it's, it's massive. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. Every single thing. Like, and the catering on the movie was terrible.

Every single meal that I ate there until I found the McDonald's was awful. Well, you're calibrated. You know what time it is, we gotta go into our final rating. Final score, final score, final score, final score. Final rating. Final score, final score, final score, final score.

This is the moment we've been waiting for. It is time to reveal the final score. So, Ryan, between those two, the worst that you've ever had and the best that you've ever had, today's Sam's Hofbra as a restaurant experience, how do you score it? Five. 4.8.

Yeah, I was lower than y'all just because, like, again, looking at this as a restaurant. This is your podcast. You're more experienced. You're the professional. Of course you're going to have a more nuanced take. Totally. Thanks for building me up.

I needed that. I got you, man. Yeah, it's not a great, like, I'm not recommending this as a restaurant. Like, someone's like, where do I go to eat? I'm not saying Sam's Hofbra. Right. I'm just, I'm never recommending this as a restaurant, like someone's like, where do I go to eat? I'm not saying Sam's Hofbra. I'm just, I'm never saying that.

I would not recommend it for the food. I would, but as an experience. As an experience, it's an interesting thing to have, but even still, like, I don't need to do this again. I would, but I don't, like, I don't need to. I'm gonna go 3.11. Oh, wow. That is, okay.

Yeah, you really can do the decimal points. My rating might be high because of my nostalgia for all of the awesome nights out. And not knowing that they even had food until this podcast. And so, but I, there's definitely a rosy glow of nostalgia. And that's totally, like some of my higher scoring places are places that I like grew up with. Yeah, absolutely. Look, it factors in. It's part of nostalgia. Yeah, and that's totally like some of my higher scoring places are places that I like grew up with Which means that Sam's Hofbra goes up on the tchotchke of mediocrity at a

4.30. Okay. Yeah, that seems about right honestly Yeah, yeah that makes sense Which is one one hundredth better than Burger King. I hate Burger King. I know, it's the worst. I will say this. I hate Burger King. I saw the same amount of nipples today that I did when I go to the last time I went to

Burger King. You didn't flip through the magazine I gave you? Jesus Christ. I brought an insurance policy. It's mint in package. Yeah, yeah. Now objectively though, what this means, Sam's Hoff Bra goes on the chachki of mediocrity and is officially less than mediocre. Not quite as good as Applebee's.

So what this all means, we didn't find the perfectly mediocre restaurant. We didn't find a 5.00. So I gotta keep looking, which means I am going to turn to the You Must Pull. The You Must Pull has a list of restaurants that I'm going to draw from, and it will tell me where I must force me to go. Get me a pen, get me a pen. You wanted chaos, sir. This is it. Not here.

You said you wanted it at the restaurant. You said you wanted chaos. Oh, I'm not comfortable with chaos in public. Only on our podcast. I like to come into your house and create chaos. Norms. Norms! Look, he picked Norms! Next week I will be going to...

California Pizza Kitchen. Not Norms, because I'm the editor and host and producer and what I say goes. Booyah. Suck it bitches. California Pizza Kitchen, suck it. Okay, well you're missing out on steak and eggs. Hey Dana. Yeah. Woohoo! Are we gonna make it rain? Oh, there's technique to this.

Okay, show me. They're so crisp. Well, tell us like, yeah, they're very crisp. So. We want it to go nice and high so it rains down in the frame. You want to fondle them a little bit first because when they're too crisp like this, they'll stick together and you're gonna end up

throwing way more money than you want. So you need to just kinda, and then just try to go one at a time. Okay. Cause if you go too fast. All right. Okay, ready? Three, two, one.

I love that smell. Two, one. I am bad at this. I love that sound. Two, one. Woo! I am bad at this. I don't have the skills for this. Yay! Oh, we made a raid. Woo! Woo!

All right, so California Pizza Kitchen next week. Thank you both for coming on the podcast. Thanks for having us. Yeah. It's been such a blast. This is such a fun day. Going to Sam's, Ryan Keeley, Dana Scarborough. I Seduce the Dragon podcast.

If there's anything you want to plug, tell people to watch or follow or socials, I Seduce the Dragon podcast. If there's anything you wanna plug, tell people to watch or follow or socials. I Seduce the Dragon podcast. We are ISTD pod on- Pretty much everywhere. Yeah, pretty much every platform. Next season will be video. Video, not just audio.

Not just audio. So you can follow us on YouTube there once we hard launch that. But right now, go to whatever podcast app that you use. Erection section. Join our erection section. Yes, that's going to be a thing now. That's what your fans are called, the erection section.

Awesome. Well, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at FindDiningPodcast. Go to my website, FindDiningPodcast.com, and sign up for my newsletter. I send out an email about every new episode. All the fun things, you know, you know what it is. I've got a Patreon where I have an exclusive episode every single month, a new restaurant,

and you get the extended full Yelp from Strangers segments there. So we didn't find the most mediocre restaurant in America. The search does in fact continue. I'll see you next time. Have a fine day! The search continues Our journey did not conclude The mother-repping search continues Write us an iTunes review And hey, while you're at it Why don't you go ahead and make it five stars, huh? Come on Follow us on TikTok

The same on Instagram, the same on Instagram. All the socials at Find Dining Podcast. We have a website, finddiningpodcast.com. Buy our t-shirts, then put them on and don't forget you can always suggest where we go next okay we're going to find it mediocrity the search continues See you next week! Cough cough cough cough cough cough! Heard my throat a little.

Have a fine day!