Fine Dining - P.F. Chang's Review feat. Andres Simonian (Spanish Wendy's Guy, Y-List Actor) [Part Two]

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

Scale the Great Wall of Chocolate! Andres Simonian (not from Home Economics or Mythic Quest) is back to plunge into our review of P.F. Chang's Michael thinks the atmosphere in a P.F. Chang's is "sexy" Michael tells the tale of the Cumbre Tunnel Massacre shootout that almost claimed his great-grandfather's life Andres makes a high-stakes Shrek-themed wager with Michael What's Going On Over There with the unnamed noodle crisps in the dishes? This week's Secret Menu theme: Tasty Tourist Traps What we ate: Dynamite Shrimp Chili-Garlic Green Beans Hand-made Dumplings Kung-Pao Dragon Roll Fire-Braised Short Ribs Crispy Honey Chicken Signature Pork & Shrimp Lo Mein The Great Wall of Chocolate Chang's Apple Crunch "Fine" Dining is now on video! Head on over to our YouTube to watch this episode!   Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Kyle Schieffer (@JazzyJellyfish) Segment Transitions Voiced by: Sandy Rose "Fine" Dining is on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month (catch April's episode on Shari's Restaurant & Pies with my cousin Emma Danger), extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Sean Spademan, Joyce Van, & Sue Ornelas   Get the 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send in your P.F. Chang's stories at [e-mail].   Follow the show on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast Follow Andres on Instagram @andressimonian   Let me know where I should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I read every one!   Next week on "Fine" Dining: The Original Pancake House History [Part One]! I'm joined by comedian Chad Opitz, and Shrekfast is upon us. Learn the history of this oft-overlooked franchise in the world of breakfast chains! Ever work at The Original Pancake House? Send your stories to [e-mail].

Hello everyone, welcome back to the fine dining podcast. I'm your host Michael Ornelas and with me is my friend An actor a comedian Andres simonian. Yeah, how's it going? Pretty swell. Yeah, can't believe it's been a whole week. I'm wearing the same thing I decided, you know, i'm gonna put on the same clothes. It's called continuity continuity. Yeah shower Yeah, I had pfchangs every day that'd be fresh. How do you shower. I had P.F. Chang's every day to be fresh. How do you feel? I think I'm dying. My insides are coming out.

Yeah, but I feel good. Those are called farts. Oh, yeah. Anyways, now that we've started off with that abomination, let's do a real intro. This is the show where I'm looking for the most mediocre restaurant in America, the perfect 5.00 dining experience out of 10.

Why am I doing it? Because, I don't know, I'm bored. I needed something to do. And when people say, oh, that place is so good, you gotta go there. I'm like, yeah, but good based on what? Where does it go from bad to good? I'm trying to find that middle bar,

that 5.00 currently in the middle, not perfectly, but closest, Applebee's. 5.02. Whoa. Tell me I haven't hit the nail on the head. I was going to say, if you would tell me off the top of my head, which one do you think is, I would probably go Applebee's or, uh, Olive Garden maybe. Olive Garden pretty close.

5.10. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah. Name a restaurant I've been to and I'll tell you its score. Um, a restaurant you've been to? Yeah. Outback.

7.45. Yeah, that restaurant you've been to? Yeah. Outback? 7.45? Yeah, that's... Uh, Luby's? What the fuck is Luby's? Were they 6.01? Yes, they were. Bob's? Bob's Big Boy?

Uh, was that a 4.92? Yeah, that's exactly right. Was it really? That's exactly it. God, you're a loser. You fucking loser. What's funny is there's so many I could not do. Wait, you put IHOP lower than Applebee's?

Come on. Yeah. Go to hell. Anyways, we have a review to do of P.F. Chang's where we went. Philip Fleming's, Philip Chiang's. Paul Fleming Chiang's. We're going to do it based on three criteria. We're gonna talk about its atmosphere.

We're gonna talk about its service. And we're gonna talk about its food. Of course. Yum. What else? A silverware? Seat cushions? What else?

Dummies? You're actually dumb. I'm sorry. Fine dining party of two. So we're gonna jump on into it. We've been talking too long. Our're actually dumb. I'm sorry. Fine dining party of two. So we're going to jump on into it. We've been talking too long. Our table is ready. Your table is ready.

Follow me. Have you tried our chicken breast? Serving pancakes and ribs, I recommend the spaghetti. We're here to satisfy, not to impress. Your table is ready, complimentary butter and bread These walls have growth signs Knick-knack, cowboy hat, good luck hat Altograph, guitar, some grab from your city

Behold the tchotchke of mediocrity Fine dining Just fine dining, fine dining Two letters on the sign are shining Neon flickering, irregular timing Identify the perfect fine-ging paladin Fine dining! Fine dining! Atmosphere! I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food.

I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food.

I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. They're just stone. But they're not like gold colored? No, they're just stone. I knew that. You really didn't see them at all, did you? Do you want me to show you a picture of them? Yeah, show me these majestic. They're not majestic. The question.

This is literally just a statue outside of a PF Chang's. Oh yeah, they're not majestic at all. They're not even rearing. They're just fucking like there. Standing there? even rearing. They're just fucking there. Standing there? Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't like it.

I'm giving it less of a score now. You can't change your score. I've already written down the average of our scores. So as far as atmosphere. Even though later I'm going to pretend to be surprised by your score. What? Wait, so you did write the average already of these scores?

Yeah, yeah. This show's bullshit. Anyway, so yeah, you walk in and you see these giant, like very imposing horses. You're like, whoa, this place, it kind of gives it like more prestige in a way. Right, right, right. But it's all a fucking facade.

Yeah, it's a chain restaurant. It's a chain restaurant. Yeah, but not every chain restaurant has like two fucking statues in front of it of horses. It does present itself as, I am a nicer upscale chain restaurant has like two fucking statues in front of it of horses It doesn't present itself as I am a nicer upscale chain restaurant It doesn't quite reach the heights of ones that actually are like I mentioned to you and you hadn't heard of it But didn't I fun kind of is what pf Chang's I think wants to be yeah Hmm. I also I like how nothing else in the restaurant is horse themed

No, just that it They're protectors outside. They're the bouncers. Got you. If you misbehave, a horse kicks you in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we walk in, there's a host stand. One thing I noticed, there was just a row of shot glasses. Oh really?

Just a, not even a row, just like many rows of shot glasses. Promoting alcoholism. Yeah. Not good. And based on some of the Yelp reviews we read, like there are people who come here for the bar. Right.

Which I wouldn't think of P.F. Chang's as the place where like, oh, you want to go throw down a few drinks, let's go to P.F. Chang's. Well, they do have a pretty extensive bar. Like it is like the entire like back wall. The real estate allotted to the bar? Yeah. It's a big bar.

It's a big bar. There was nobody there. There was like maybe like two people. I don't know if that's true. There was a partition, so I didn't really get a chance to see. Well, I was sitting facing the bar. Okay, so you would know better. It was pretty like a sad bar.

Like it was like a pathetic... No, it was like there was not a lot of people at the bar. You don't have a lot of... All right, say three compliments about P.F. Chang's right now I think you need to get some positivity towards this place um Gloomy I like I like the gloomy. What do you got? I like the indifference of the waiter You're not listing good things and the people weren't too loud I Don't fucking know all right. I had a good fortune in the fortune cookie And the people weren't too loud I

Don't fucking know all right, I had a good fortune in the fortune cookie that's random that's not okay anyways, you go in and Honestly, I really like these lighting fixtures. There's like these big orange glowing like oh like Shake yeah, like peach rings. Yeah, very very good comparison. Thank you Thank you, and then like paper globes dangling from them. They look like peach rings. Yeah. Very, very good comparison. Thank you, thank you. And then, like, paper globes dangling from them. They look like a planet's diorama. I thought that's what it was at first. I thought it was like, oh, they're doing planet themed?

And the rings are like the rings of Saturn, but there's no Saturn in it. Yeah, but it wasn't. It was just like they were imitating, like, you know, the more Asian, like, light. The paper lanterns. Yeah. But it was kind of, I don was kind of it was kind of lazy the lanterns are the decor in general Because I really did like the look of the place I liked the I did honestly like the gloominess like I like eating with not too many lights on my face

That's not gloomy that like romantic lighting is like candle lit like there was no candles though. We established that I candle-lit like dimmer. There was no candles though, we established that. I know. Okay. I feel like Batman could have hid in any corner of that place. There were four entrances to the Batcave if you just knock on the right wood panel here. That's what I'm saying. The place looks nicer than what it actually offers as far as food, Yeah. Yeah, honestly you say gloomy. I say genuinely sexy This was a sexy environment It was sleek Okay, that's the word you want to use the music they were sounding like one of these fucking Yelp reviewers the females and the wenches

Made it real sexy. If I was a pirate I'd say honestly that may have been my favorite If I was a pirate, I'd say honestly that may have been my favorite segment of yelp from straight Like all five of them were just the best Let me put on my chauvinistic sexist piece of shithead on and just allow me Self-awareness is important. Yeah, the music here felt like when you go into a club in like a Grand Theft Auto game But very low yeah, it was the music from the room downstairs Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah from the private rooms in the pf check private. Yeah, I did like that. It was low I did like that yeah, I've been in places where it's just so loud. I'm like green I want to talk to the people yeah, yeah, so I'm a sphere good. I think there were no chopsticks

That's right. You pointed that out after a while silly when you go to a place like this I want to talk to the people. Yeah, yeah. So atmosphere, good I think. There were no chopsticks. That's right, you pointed that out after a while. Well it's just silly when you go to a place like this. They don't even fucking pretend. They don't even pretend. Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's talk about the wall mural

because there's a unique mural in every restaurant. Yeah. The one, it's like a big strip above the bar and it was like a samurai presumably pulling unsheathing. It was a woman. Well women weren't samurai that's just accurate. I feel like she could have been. Okay there was a warrior woman.

It's what a fucking guy in a fedora would think is like cool you know what I mean? I've seen this as a back tattoo. This mural has been someone's back tattoo. That's exactly what it was And it was yeah, it was a woman on she think of sword and then a dragon that was like I thought it was like a scroll with like words and shit. There's that too. Yeah, but there were definitely It was like somebody you put on chat GBT like Asian mural and it's just the most generic Yeah, Asian mural. It's just what do you got? What does an Asian mural have a

Samurai sword a katana a scroll a scroll and a dragon Yeah, and that's and some kanji symbols or somebody looks like and one of the kanji if it's Chinese But yeah, and like a very Mulan ask a woman and she was like when will my? reflection show When will my reflection show? Dude, that's beautiful. Who I am inside. I just rewatched Mulan. That's really nice.

I hadn't seen it since it was in theaters. And then I watched it a few weeks ago with my girlfriend. The live action one? No, the original, the OG. Oh, the less good one. Is that actually how you feel? Hot take. I haven't seen either.

I haven't seen the new one. I haven't seen either. Oh, all right. The server at the table behind us was like Listing his IMDB credits as an actor. Yeah. Yeah, the tables said they like recognized him from something Is that what it was? That's what our friend said. I I just kind of heard him just listing off. Oh, yeah I was in home economics. Yeah, I was in mythic quest and Oh yeah, I was in Home Economics. Yeah, I was in Mythic Quest and blah blah blah

and this and that and this and that. And it was the most L.A. shit in the world. Here's the thing, list one credit, that's fine. But the fact that he like, Andres, I think it was way too much. This is Way Too Much. I thought he was gonna start signing his autograph. I really, he was was like oh if you just flip to the back of your menu It is my headshot

And you can find casting information there. I'll do your kids birthday party. I make a mean Shrek That's hilarious, dude Yeah, dressing up as Shrek is horrifying is that something that you would at any point like to do in your life Honestly, I would hate to dress up like Shrek is horrifying. Is that something that you would at any point like to do in your life? Honestly, I would hate to dress up like Shrek. I think it would be so physically uncomfortable. I would feel like I have to do like a weird Scottish accent that I'm not equipped to do.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it, get out of my swamp. Oh, it's donkey. I really. Get out my swamp. Get out my swamp, yeah. That's really good. Is it?

Dude, you should dress up as Shrek. I'm not gonna do that. For your next fucking restaurant outing. Why? No! You don't need a why. Shrek isn't here. And this side of your chest- That's not my heart. My heart is over here. I think you should do it. Anyway, this guy listing off his credits in addition to that was way too much. I mean, I respect the guy, you know, I feel for him. He had that hustle. Yeah, if somebody pointed it out, I'd be excited too if they recognized me in something. I've also been in Chase and I've also did a subway once, you know, like you start naming all the commercials that I've been in bet $5. Do you do the footlong thing? Did you like have to do that?

I appreciate you minimalizing and trivializing my career. It's minimizing not minimalizing You're adding to it. I appreciate you minimalizing my vocabulary first of all. It's terrible My career, okay, you don't know a lot of words, which is crazy that you have a job speaking This guy hates immigrants. Oh, God. My grandfather was an immigrant. Dude, actually, I don't think he was. He was born in El Paso.

I don't give a shit about your fake ethnic diversity. You know what? Don't show me your 23 and me. That's the whitest thing you can do. I went to my great aunt's funeral. She was 99 years old. And while I was there, someone had dug up, someone in our family had dug up a grandma, a newspaper clipping about my great grandfather.

Okay. And genuinely one of the most badass stories. Really? Yes. I just need to figure out where February 2023 is in my... Dude, I will bet you that if you can't fucking name every single score on this thing, you have to dress up as Shrek in your next audit.

All right, name another place. And if you nail it then you don't have to do it. Correct. Alright, fine. But you really gotta, you gotta fucking... Yeah. Okay. I'm like five for five so far. You are, you are.

That's really not bad. There's no way you can get them all. There's just no way. I feel like you're gonna know Mastros because it's like pretty up there. 9.45? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That wasn't part of the bet. Uh, Joe's pizza.

Seven point. Dude, if you miss this one, you're fucking tracked, dude. 7.25. No, 7.02. No. Oh, one more. I'll give you one more chance. Okay. If. No, 7.02. No! One more, I'll give you one more chance. Okay. If you miss this one...

Ah, man. You have to go this fucking track. Okay. I mean like Greenbeard. Okay. Okay. Uh, Twin Peaks, you pervert, you into Twin Peaks? 589.

Yeah, okay, you got that one. Costco. Sss... 5... 4-5? Yeah, okay, you got that one. Costco. Five, four, five? Next week. What is it? Shrek. Shrek on the podcast. What was it?

5.68. That's close. I did find this article. This is about my great grandfather, who was very much an immigrant. You're the whitest person I've ever met. Okay. A flag-stab up El Paso High School was at half-staff today and students and school officials were in mourning for the school's head

janitor Juan Ornelas. Mr. Ornelas died of a heart attack early today en route to a hospital. He was 63. A favorite with students and teachers alike, Mr. Ornelas was considered a permanent fixture at El Paso High. He helped build the structure and when it was completed in 1916 became its janitor. A native of San Diego, California, Mr. Ornelas went to Mexico as a railroad crewman and thereby witnessed one of Mexico's most tragic disasters, the Cumbre Tunnel Massacre of 1912. What? A bandit leader named Maximo Castillo captured a freight train of the Mexico Northwestern

and halted it inside the tunnel, which is near the summit of a peak in western Chihuahua. Then he allowed a passenger train carrying hundreds of refugees from the Mexican Revolution to crash into the freight train inside the tunnel. In the resultant Holocaust of flame and smoke, train passengers died horrible deaths. Oh my god. Mr. Ornelas was one of the tunnel. In the resultant Holocaust of flame and smoke, train passengers died horrible deaths. Oh my god. Mr. Ornelas was one of the survivors. Although he was shot in the leg, he escaped the bandits and made his way to El Paso. Mr. Ornelas got a job as a day laborer in El Paso High. When the building became finished, he was janitor, moved into a small apartment near the boiler room

where he reared a family. That's badass. That was my great-grandfather. Yeah, how how disappointed you would be to see you? Pathetic shit after what he went I ate pf Chang for him and the resultant Holocaust of That was your that was my bowel movements That was your battle movements. Isn't that like crazy though? That is cool. That literally sounds like something out of both a Breaking Bad episode and like a cartoon. I mean, there's no way to prove that was your actual great grandpa. That was my last name.

Could be many or now this could be any kind of one else. Okay. Overall, this atmosphere for P.F. Chang's. I liked liked it on the whole I'd give it one. Yeah, so one Yeah, yeah, I'd have liked to two. Yeah one. I would give you go one thumb up. Maybe like Hitchhiker's thumb one hitchhiker's thumb where it's like bent back. Yeah, like half why? Cuz it's like half of one. That's still a full thumb. You can't you can't see the top I That looks so awkward. It hurts a lot There wasn't an Asian person to my scene on the staff which I noticed as soon as we walked in I was like, mmm

Suspicious lack of Asian servers Yeah, not good for an Asian restaurant. They're not even trying to find Anyone can work anywhere, but like yes, you're not gonna be authentic. Yeah, exactly Yeah, but I didn't expect it from pf Chang's I did I wanted authenticity I did also notice that very few Asian people eating at the restaurant. There was one Asian family. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, so Rollo was interesting in that he was We when I said the Yolo thing he was like, haha Yeah, and then like like just that polite like get the fight and then as soon as he left

I was like, he's gonna spit at my food and he looked like he hated Everything his life and he seemed in their world and honestly I would say in different more than hatred I was literally like we saw a table that got like the birthday treatment like there was like a big like firecracker sparklers I don't think half-ass scene while he was picking up the glass Literally busting a table while just kind of saying the word happy birthday. Just, I'm doing my fucking job. You know what? I love that because he's not bullshitting us. He's not putting on a facade that he's happy.

He's like, look, I have to do this. Yeah, he's like, look, you guys know what it is. I'm a fucking waiter. And we saw this. And that's why we didn't tip him. Because as honest as he was, we wanted to be honest too. I tipped him. No you did I thought we agreed that you suggested we were gonna tip him. Yeah so I look better by comparison I'm like all this good don't worry I tipped on your behalf. You were like should we say it's one of our birthdays and I was like well it's my birthday September Stephen my friend that joined us his was it my suggestion

yeah I thought so that's kind of pathetic and then and then you were like Oh my birthday is actually in four days, but I didn't but I didn't say that thing together and I was like fishing Should we sing happy birthday for somebody like what would be crazy with somebody's birthday like mine in for? No, I didn't I forgot But I genuinely tell you did And I was like dude that counts like yeah, let's get the birthday treatment And so we got one of our desserts comped and then we got it

We got a flaming fire firecracker in like a champagne glass filled with a dry rice. Yeah, it was so weird Why I don't know. Yeah, and like and he sang more enthusiastically for us than he did for the other table He was in it. Did he join us? Yeah? He was like let's do it guys. Oh Genuinely the way I remember it it was that he started us singing and walked away he Joe he stood there No, no, he stood there. Oh, he must have like moved like slightly behind me to like face He was like and then he and then after it was like make a wish And you remember oh, yeah, and you wished for world peace. But I said it out loud so it wouldn't happen.

Cause you didn't really want it. Yeah. I want more. He likes his doom scrolling too much to ever get rid of that. I thrive in chaos. Then there was a manager check-in. She was very kind, very kind.

Very smiley. We mentioned the birthday and she was like, I'll take care of you. And then I felt like there was a standoff because there was like this will they, won't they tension, not like in a sitcom-y way, but in like a- Between me and her. I was waiting for them to initiate a birthday thing

because usually these places, they choose the dessert that is like their birthday comp dessert. Because we were waiting a really long time after we had finished our last dish. And I was like, when are they gonna bring the thing? But then he was like, oh, you have to order the dessert. I was like, oh, okay. So it's not like you have like-

It's not even a surprise. Yeah, it's not even like they have a specific birthday thing. It's just they comp one of your- Okay, whatever you want. Which is actually pretty good because they were good, well, one of them was a good dessert. Before we move on, there's one other server interaction that really stood out to me

and highlights the lack of authenticity of a place like this, but also highlights our unculturedness. So- And his. Our, a also highlights our unculturedness. So- And his. Our, a couple of our dishes was served over a bed of these. Yeah. If you're looking on camera. I think it's like a rice noodle

or a crispy rice noodle or something. Yeah, it's like a fried dry noodle. But I still don't know definitively what this is. And we asked the server and he was like, oh, you want more of those? Yeah. I was like, no, I want to know what they are. You want less of them? What are these? What are they called? You don't like them? You want them on the side? He kept saying that. He kept pivoting. Yeah. And it made me wonder a question, Andres. It made me wonder what's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there

Andres yeah, what's going on over there? Why doesn't he want to talk about these? I feel like those are like government regulated Mind suppressors that they feed to the public so that they don't think critically about things I'm gonna like my ps Chang's. Yeah. Yeah, it just makes you dumb. This is basically Yelp review doping Yes, exactly basically trying their in their performance enhancing rice crispy. Yeah, it's like chemtrails in food in They're just brainwashing the masses to be like ah pfChang is pretty good He was in on it that waiter was in on it. He's on the tape. Yeah He's a deep state operative. Paul Fleming and Mr. Chiang are lining his pockets Definitely. He's like yeah, just give him the give him the weird freaking experimental rice

Give him the little fucking noodle fried things and they won't know they won't be the wiser They won't ask questions And that's how we get to the elections that we have now because of these little noodle things The guy seems very suspicious like he had a personal connection to these things and he kept deflecting Yeah, yeah, yeah, so What do you think his connection was to these little and he kept deflecting. You know what I mean? So what do you think his connection was to these little fried things? I think these killed his parents. His dad showed-

Maybe they were like holding his family hostage as he was- Don't tell anyone! I don't know. Please stop asking me about these. I'm not allowed to say- He was blinking twice often. I need help, I need help. I think that's it.

I think in fact we've figured out what's going on over there. What is going on over there? Yeah, so with the guy avoiding talking about what the rice noodles are. Real cagey, real cagey. The guy behind us rattling off his IMDB credits. Yeah.

Rolo's indifference slash disdain for parts of his job. Yeah. But a very nice manager and a hostess, who we didn't mention in this episode, but we did in the first part, who gave us our finest table. She laughed at my joke, so she gets a 10 out of 10. But overall, when you put the service experience together,

honestly to me it's very neutral. I'm gonna go a thumb right in the middle. Okay. I'm gonna go a thumb up because I do like the fact that he was kind of no-nonsense. He did his job, he brought us the food when we wanted it. He took a little while with the dessert. Busting a table while singing happy birthday is a very funny thing this is hilarious. And then he sang it for me

Enthusiastically, so I was like, okay. I like you real low. Yeah, and I like his name. Yeah, I do too Food Now let's get down to brass tacks. Let's talk about the food. Yes brass fucking we ate a lot We got a lot of food. We got a lot of food with there were three of us there I brought an extra mouth so that we could you know order larger quantities of sampling there's like a surrogate son to our Married couple. Yes, that's exactly we got him a booster seat and a kid's menu. I would clean his mouth You were getting the schmutz off the corner of his mouth a lot

Yeah, you did that move a lot with licking your tongue. Yeah, I'm gonna get it after you did it after you wiped Yeah, that's when you licked. Yeah, and then I do like a monkey grooming. I would do it even when he was clean I just wanted to do it so we got Two appetizers. Yeah kind of three we got so much food that I honestly felt bad about myself as a person after yeah Like I went I thought bad about what you as well. Yeah, I was like he made an ass That's before we even sat down yeah So we started with the dynamite shrimp

But that's before we even sat down. So we started with the dynamite shrimp. Hmm, which I think we got different mileage out of I think You didn't really like that. Here's the thing. I thought it had good heat. I did enjoy the spice of it Hmm, it had like a fiery almost buffalo taste. It wasn't buffalo is like sriracha. Yeah, and Mayo Sriracha a old uh, Sriracha aioli. Yeah. Um, but it, it tasted buff. It tasted like Buffalo to me. The cabbage and crispy rice noodles went well with it. Yeah.

I thought the, the shrimp texture was really flimsy to a point that it didn't taste real, it didn't taste like real meat. And I had a hard time getting over that, which despite the fact that the taste was good, the texture was gross. I see. I went six out of 10. It wasn't like a garbage dish, but it wasn't. I have my rating.

It wasn't great. I liked it a little more. Yeah. For me, it was a seven. It was decent. I would have eaten more of it. I was like, I liked it. I liked the sweetness of it and the crunchiness of it.

Definitely more than the shrimp we had later, but I didn't think it was that bad. The texture, I didn't notice as much. I was kind of just garfing it down. You blacked out. I noticed. I just went into like a fugue state. A lot of twitching. Yeah. Then we got the chili garlic green beans. I thought this was in like a almost like a peanutty oil.

I thought these were really good. The garlic really came through. They had a little kick to them. And these are the ones that I went seven out of 10 on. I enjoyed these quite a bit. And then the texture of the green beans, they weren't too mushy. They weren't too tough. Like it was, they nailed it.

I liked it a lot. I kept eating it, and that's when I realized, oh, I like this, because I kept going for it. I even had like the last one. Honestly, not always a tell. I will just eat stuff, even if I don't like it. I will hate to eat stuff. Yeah, for sure, for sure.

No, but I did like them. And they did come a little like not hot though. Like, they were a little like- They had already cooled. Yeah, they were, right? When they came in, but I gave it an eight But now it's like a 7.5, but yeah, yeah now that I think about like the fact that they were like room temp No, but they still just they had excellent. They were good. I like them. I like them then we got an order downhill from here of pan-fried pork handmade dumplings

They were in a sweet sauce, like a soy sauce. I thought the pork was really juicy. Yeah. I also liked these. I think the starters are kind of where, and this is kind of the case in a lot of these places. Yeah. The starters do well.

The desserts can close strong, but there's that valley in the middle. Wow. A lot of these places not landing their entrees. So they hook you and then they leave you with something good but in the middle. And then you're like, oh, that place was good. And they can throw those trash mind control noodles at you. That's why you think it's good.

Yeah. But I did like the dumplings well enough. I went seven and a half out of 10. I went six out of, I didn't like them as much. I've had way better dumplings. Like I have two. Yeah. I have two. Yeah. I have two.

But that's what eight, nine, and 10 are for. Right, right. No, I gave it a six. Yeah. I thought it was okay. Okay. I was like, I forgot about him. As soon as I ate him, I forgot about him.

Okay. Not so with the green beans. That stayed with me. Yeah. So, yeah. And then we split three entrees for the table. Yeah. The fire braised short ribs.

Steven, who is there with us, said that they tasted, the meat tasted like sausage and it couldn't like. Sausage pizza. Sausage pizza. And then that thought couldn't escape my brain and it's all I tasted. And it really brought down how I perceived the quality

of this short rib. The pineapple rice tasted like off to me. Really? I wasn't strongly tasting pineapple or rice. It just tasted funky. Wow. Like it tasted like it wasn't fresh to me. Okay.

Okay. I did not like this. So what do you give that? I went three out of 10 on this overall for the fire braised short ribs. Yeah. Fair enough. When it came out, it looked good. And the way it was fancy, it the fire braised short ribs. Yeah fair enough when it came out it looked good and The way fancy it was like the slice short rib. Yeah, and when I cut it it was like this plated well

Yeah, and when you cut it it was like cutting itself. It was like very like oh, it's melting Yeah, very good texture when I put the rib in my mouth. It didn't taste like fucking shit It didn't taste like anything it tastes like Cardboard and I have a very high standard of steak. In Argentina, we love steak and meat. And this was like, this tastes like nothing. The pineapple rice tasted so much like pineapple that it was just overwhelming.

And it overwhelmed the rib because the rib tasted like nothing. So I was just eating pineapple, it felt like, not even rice. I did not like that. So I was just eating pineapple, it felt like, not even rice. I did not like that. So I give it a four, but probably, the way I'm talking about it should be weightless. But.

Yeah, not good. No. I don't recommend it. And it was the most expensive of the things that we got to. It was so fucking expensive, such bullshit. Like you expect something good, you know? Yeah. Like what do you think when you think ribs, right? Yeah. When you think of a rib,

it's like one of the top tier foods, right? Yeah, like we're great ribs are very tasty bullshit. Fuck you shame on you. Yeah, fuck you Ian Fleming The James Bond author yeah, fuck you Paul Fleming Whichever Fleming all the friends Chang's makes no sense Literally makes perfect sense Then we got the crispy honey chicken. I thought this was the best of the entrees personally It had a great glaze. It was very sweet tasted like something you could get at like a better Panda Express

I went eight out of ten on these. Okay, that's pretty high. Yeah I know you were like who gets chicken at a restaurant Yeah, because like yeah, the chicken is like, I don't know. You cook it at home. I was just making it at home, and it's like the easiest thing to make, and then when I go out, I don't want chicken. But I do like Panda Express orange chicken,

and I do think it's a lot better. Well, they invented it. Right. Yeah, they invented orange chicken. But I think it's a lot better than, yeah, you kept saying that last night. They invented chicken. Like, we're supposed to be impressed with your knowledge, but it's like, okay, stop saying it.

But no, it was good. It just, it didn't blow me away. I was like, it's okay. Compared to the other ones, yes, it was the best one. I gave it a seven. And then the last one, kind of like a late entry, we ate all the things that we've already talked about and we're like, I think we can still fit something in before dessert.

Yeah. So we got a third entree. There were three of us, so three entrees make sense. we've already talked about and we're like, I think we can still fit something in before dessert. So we got a third entree. There were three of us, so three entrees make sense. We got the signature low main. We got the pork and shrimp combo. I expected very little, but I thought it delivered, noodle wise. The pork had a bad texture,

but there was a tangy and spicy sauce on the noodles that I did like. I went seven out of ten. I didn't hate these. I'm not going to rave about them, but I expected worse, and I think that that raised the rating because it exceeded my low expectations. I personally love Lo Mein, and it's one of my favorite foods. And I never order. I'm a rice dish guy, so this is like a yeah once every other month Maybe I mean even when it's bad like to me it was bad and even when it's bad It's like decent because it's lo mein but yeah the Shrimp tasted it was like chewing gummy worms like it was just so chewy in like an artificial shitty way

That I hated it and the pork I barely tasted it again Yeah, lo mein tasted like like Lo mein is supposed to. Didn't blow me away. I didn't really like it that much. To me, it was a four. It was a four out of ten? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Desserts. Yummy, yummy. First of all, the name of this dessert. Yes. The Great Wall of Chocolate. I'm offended. I'm offended on their behalf. For a place that's like so Americanized.

Yeah, just like the most, what does an American think of when they think of China? This thing ruled. It was great. This was a gigantic slice of cake. Just giant. To where we were able to slice it in thirds, and each got basically what felt like

a proper sized slice of cake. More than- And like a generous proper size slice of cake. Yeah. So you triple, like a generous proper size slice of cake. So you triple, like if one person got this- I don't know how they'd be able to digest the whole thing because yeah, like each slice was like as much as you get when you order an individual slice.

Yeah. But like you still triple that. Yeah, yeah. And that's what we got. So much. It was a lot. It was a great wall. But it was so good.

It was very decadent was the word. Decadent, yes. I went nine out of 10. Okay, okay, but it was so good. It was very decadent was the word. Decadent. Yes. I went nine out of 10. Okay. Okay. Okay. I went eight.

This was an excellent dessert. It was far. It was just extremely, uh, it was fire. It was far, dude. So far it was far. I loved it. Uh, no, but it was like very like drying. Like you'd taste it after eating that.

You're like, I a fucking gallon of water Yeah, because that's what Honestly, though, honestly, it's it's a little bit as like oh these motherfuckers want chocolate Let's just throw so much chocolate shit in there. Let's give them what they think Yeah, fucking chocolate and these fucking fat pigs and then they just like throw even on top They're just like fucking even chocolate chips on top of that. Like you bought it so good. And then there's like a raspberry reduction. There's like whole blueberries and strawberries.

Right. Uh, and like with or without the fruit, the bites were fantastic. It was good. Yeah. So rich, but yeah, very, very, if you don't like sweet though, that is too much. Yeah. Okay. Andres, I literally brought you back to the studio.

I didn't want to come back. But two and a half months since we recorded our episode. What are you talking about? We've been recording for three hours. I like how you wore the same thing that you asked me to. I did no such thing. Didn't even have the courtesy to shave your beard. Made me wear the same look so different right now than I did when we recorded. I haven't even washed the courtesy to shave your beard. Made me wear the same. I look so different right now than I did when we recorded.

I haven't even washed the shirt since we recorded. I believe that. There is a funk coming off of it. But we forgot to cover one of the items of food that we ate, and I wanted to get that in the episode. So even though we just covered the Great Wall of Chocolate and did dessert, now we're gonna jump to one of the, like, appetizer dishes that we got. That Great Wall of Chocolate and did dessert. Now we're gonna jump to one of the like, appetizer dishes that we got.

That Great Wall of Chocolate was so good though. Can we just talk about that for the rest of me coming back? For the rest of the episode? We've already reviewed it. It had a good name though, cause it was like a tourist. Tourist. Tourist.

Trap. Whoa. Ah. What? What is that Under attack I installed an alarm since you last came on I'm kind of scared Yeah, there is a new minigame on the podcast called the secret menu and you have unlocked it there's a secret word that you can say and

Can I hit it you hit it? Tori? Okay. Touristy was the word. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if that's good luck or bad luck. I don't know, but now we have to play a game. Great. So the way the secret menu works is I'm gonna put one minute on the clock and our category for this episode is tasty tourist traps. Okay.

You know, like the Great Wall of Chocolate or I don't know, the Goldfish Gate Bridge. Or the Great Barrier Beef. Got it. Yeah Gate Bridge. Or the Great Barrier Beef. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it. Yeah, so we're just gonna rattle off. We're gonna trade these back and forth.

We're gonna go for a minute. In the comments, tell us who you think won between us, but more importantly, submit your own. I'll pick my favorite one out and you can win a free fine dining t-shirt. And congrats to the winner of the previous Secret Menu mini game, Chipotle Born Illnesses, E.E. Eric Schwartz, who commented on Instagram

with, Chimmy Chest Cold. I like that one. Go ahead and DM me or email me at fine dining podcast at gmail.com and claim your free shirt. Thanks for playing and best of luck on this one to all the rest of you. All right, do you want to go first or do you want me to? You go first.

Okay, starting in three, two, one, Schoonhenge. The Caesar Salad Palace. Dumb. Macha Picchu. Pan Fry Theon. The Graham Canyon. Like Cauliflowerseum. Like cauliflower-zium. Like the Colosseum.

What a reach. Mount Rush Morios. Walk of Filet Mignon. That's good. I'll meet you with an equally awkward one. The Sydney Hot Pot Para House. Damn, that's good house the Hollywood bowl of rice the fly full tower

oh that's good the burger califa the Taj Mahal dog I was trying to find one with that oh that's good you ever go to Ireland you should stop by the Blarney Coldstone speaking of ice cream the ala mode. Dang, that's a really good one.

OK, that's the secret menu. Again, comment below in any form. Submit your own. I want to hear them. We got the Kung Pao Dragon Roll. That's what it was called. That's what it was called. It was very underwhelming sushi. Probably some of the worst sushi I ever had.

I don't know if it was a sriracha, but it had a red sauce that tasted way too close to ketchup. It wasn't ketchup, but it was enough to kind of ruin it. Yeah. I went very middling. I gave it a five out of 10. Like this wasn't offensively bad, but sushi is like like I really like good sushi. I love sushi. Sushi as a whole tends to score pretty high with me. Well, here's the thing. Like I like all kinds of sushi, like Ralph's sushi.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Just your friend, Ralph. Like my have you met my buddy Ralph? He makes the best. Now, like Ralph's the the really crappy supermarket. And that sushi, I'll give it like sometimes, it depends on what time of day you don't wanna go after, you know, like noon,

because that's when it's fresh. And this sushi, I gave it a five, but looking back at it now, I can't remember. It lives in your memory is worse than that. Yeah, looking back- That's how it is with me too. Yeah, I can't really, but I think that's the expectation effect. We're like, I expected it to be better given that it's from like a chain restaurant.

Yeah. And so because it underdelivered. That's why I feel like it deserves a lower rating for me. All right. Let's I'm lowering it from five to like three. I mean, I go three as well. Wasn't that good? And then lastly, we got Chang's Apple Crunch. It was flaky, but ultimately weak. The apple taste was underwhelming.

Like it just wasn't strong. I wanted more complexity, maybe more cinnamon or something like that. Still a dessert is on a higher grading scale for me. So I still went five and a half out of 10, but five and a half out of 10 for a dessert is like, what are you doing? You can't, you can't for the tastiest offering. It's hard to fuck up. You're making a five and a half out of ten for a dessert is like, what are you doing? You can't you can't for the tastiest off hard to fuck up. You're making a five and a half out of ten

For me, it was like a huge disappointment. I love apple pie when it's like hot and with an ice cream on top I'm like, yes, that is a perfect dessert. Sure, but it felt like love apple pie Yeah, me too But it felt like the microwave it felt like they took it out and just microwaved it and then get and then waited a minute another minute And then gave it to us right because it was like mushy in the way that it used to be hot But now it's not and yeah, it's like not good It just didn't taste like shit either like it barely tastes and it was actually made from scratch like they say a kitchen This would have hit yes, absolutely. I think and I think that's a lie. I think that's a fucking lie

Yeah, and that's why they lost 400 million dollars Yes of this dessert, but here's the thing I had some high food ratings I only had one really low one and all the rest were in the middle But that said I don't get excited at the idea of going back to PHA and then in the last episode We ate those lettuce wraps Yeah And even though there's not they're not gonna factor into my score if I had to rate them honestly I'd say like I'd say like a five five they're pretty middling okay yeah I was gonna say it

was good like it was right above average for like a six or six and a half for you yeah six and a half for me pf change is not that good I I was expecting better cuz I'd never been yeah and I love pay way and this is supposed to be like the better version of pay Way, right and it's fucking not like none of the food blew me away. I'm going thumbs in the middle once again No, yeah, not up for food. Okay, not up not down just right in the middle Dude, I'm going thumbs down like you're gonna thumb down straight up one thumb down Yeah, like I will never go back never fuck be of change if I ask you to come back on the podcast

But it has to be pf Chang's you would be like no well first of all I would never come on the podcast podcast period I would never come back and second of all Which is never be back and second of all if you even told me pf Chang's I would probably Run you over with my car, and I'd be really upset that you said P.F. Chang's and I would be insulted. So no. He's got his emotions under control. I have so much rage just bubbling in, especially after this P.F. Chang's. I'm like what am I doing my life? Well we got to take all of these factors and put them together into a final rating. So I went one thumb up on the atmosphere and then I plateaued out from there at zero thumbs. None for service, none for food. But I did-

That's what this means, zero thumb. To me, yeah. I guess so, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So overall, out of six possible thumbs up, or six possible thumbs down, P.F. Chang's landed at just one thumb up for me, and for you, I think it was flat zero. Well-

Because you went one up on Atmosphere's middle- No, I went one up in service. Did you? Okay. I went like a half one. So we both ended up at one thumb up basically. I guess so, yeah. Yeah.

But I feel wrong about that. Cause I hated the food. But here's the thing. Our ratings kind of reflect, yeah, one thumb up out of six. Okay, well, so. An atmosphere like this goes very far for me. I love. You would go back for the atmosphere I never said I would go back but as far as rating this one experience, okay

I mean, yeah, I would go back it wouldn't be my you would go back to pf Chang's. Yeah, I would go back But I'm not suggesting a pf Chang's it's not gonna be like oh you want to go out to eat sure Let's go to pf Chang's like you're like from now on if somebody suggests to me like oh what about pf change? I like roll my eyes so hard. There's so many better options of course, but you'll still go no hell No, like that friend No Okay, no, I would suggest. I feel like there's so many better mom and pop places You know I mean when it comes to Chinese and Mexican

Yeah, those are the cuisines where I'm just like I almost never want a chain I want a mom in a pot better places yeah so when I put it into a rating Wendy's is better I would prefer Wendy's when this is better value yeah and now with the new three for two bad okay okay what was your score on this my score because the atmosphere and the service were like okay, like they were good. They were good. But the food, some dishes better than most. 6.15. I think I liked it a little bit more just because of the strength of the atmosphere. And I mean that dessert, if someone was like, do you want to go to P.F. Chang's to just get a great wall of chocolate? Okay, yeah.

Yeah. I'm P.F. Chang's to just get a great wall of chocolate? Okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm there. So, when I'm looking at the tchotchke and all these numbers that clearly I haven't memorized, I had such a strong start. You bet. You were like, I know all of them.

I had such a strong start. I thought you were like a beautiful mind. Here's the thing, there were some that I knew if you picked, I would have no idea. Oh really? But there are others that I have a lot of confidence. Well now you gotta be shrek now I have to be shrek next week. It's gonna be great. I'm going 6.41 Higher than on the edge. So I'm a little bit higher than you and that means when we put it all together

Pf Chang's goes up on the Chachki of mediocrity at If I can if I can peel this sticker off do you want me I have I got it women's fingers You have cocaine pinky nails Goes up on the Chachki of mediocrity at six point two eight nice Yeah, I say that's pretty average at 6.28. Nice. Yeah, I say that's pretty average. You know, overall looking at it, it does seem like there's an average of like five. Like it is at five, six.

It's like at the middle. So 6.41, which means officially, P.F. Chang's is better than mediocre. Better than mediocre. Better than mediocre. It's better than an average. Which means we didn't find the perfect five point double zero, which means I got to keep looking, which means that next week there will be a restaurant. I did not get my out out of this Shrek bet.

week there will be a restaurant I did not get my out out of this Shrek bet if we had found a five point double zero there is nothing next week and I I would have gotten out of that but now I have to go to the you must bowl and dig around you just got to keep fucking up your guts and your insides until as long as the show until I find perfect mediocrity. I love this. All right, I've grabbed a place And next week I will be going to The original pancake house. Oh, wow. I have heard of that. All right, so I'm going to the original pancake house, which means I'm gonna have Shrek fist. Oh

my god No, I'm for sure Shrek fist. Oh my god No, I'm for sure never coming back. I am horrified God I'm horrified. That's gonna be so much fun. Well Can you give me a thanks for coming here get out my swamp? Get out my swamp Thanks for coming on the fine dining podcast. I can't tell if that's offensive or not.

Very much. Towards Scottish people. I saw her face. No, I'm a bully. Oh, God. OK, yeah. So thanks for coming on the fine dining podcast, Andreas. You were a lot of fun.

Thanks for joining for P.F. Chang's. Thanks for having me. You hated it. Tell people where they can find you on social media. Hey, you can, hey, hi. You can, hey, if you like mediocre acting, you can find me on Home Economics. Home Economics.

It's a quest. You've got the entire IMDB of the guy. I was the waiter. We were on the same shows, but you didn't see me bragging about it. I was at Undress Simonian. That's S-I-M-O-N-I-A-N. Nobody's gonna give a shit. Why am I?

Undress simonian. You're gonna get a follower out of this. One follower. I will follow you. Okay, fine, I'll take it, I guess. Thanks for watching the Fine Dining Podcast. You can follow my show on Instagram and TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast.

If you're watching on YouTube, please like it, leave a comment below, tell me a thought you have about this episode. Hit the bell icon. on Instagram and TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast. If you're watching on YouTube, please like it, leave a comment below, tell me a thought you have about this episode. Hit the bell icon. Hit the bell, yeah, so you get notifications whenever new episodes drop. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

leave me a five-star rating, helps me with the algorithm. What about, like, can they throw, like, suggestions for restaurants? Yeah, please do. Do it. And yeah, we didn't find the most mediocre restaurant in America. The search does in fact continue. I'll see you next week as Shrek.

Have a fine day. Have a fine day. The search continues. We still need the perfect file. The search continues. Like and subscribe. The search continues. Like and subscribe. The search continues. Our journey did not conclude.

The mother-of-pearl search continues. Ride us in iTunes Review. And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars, huh? Come on. Follow us on TikTok. The same on Instagram. All the socials. At Find Dining Podcast.

We have a website. FindDiningpodcast.com Buy our t-shirts, then put them on And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next Okay! We're going to find it! Mediocrity! The search continues! See you next week!

Cough cough cough cough cough cough Heard my throat a little. Have a fine day!