Fine Dining - Red Lobster: Soaked in Butter feat. Casey Adler (The Upshaws, Bunheads, Stand-Up Comedy)

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

The boys are joined by comedian Casey Adler at Red Lobster The origins of Darden start at Red Lobster Casey recites a monologue on Red Lobster's stage Ollie reviews the Red Lobster kids menu in this week's Munchkin Menu Musings Garrett roams around the restaurant eating at different tables thanks to the You-Must Bowl JUB solves the lack of beverages named after Asians We're now on Patreon! Get a monthly free episode, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, the opportunity to get your face immortalized on the Tchotchke of Mediocrity, and more!   Get our 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send us your Red Lobster stories at [e-mail].   Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast Follow Casey on TikTok @caseyjadlercomedy and check out his website www.caseyjadler.com   Let us know where we should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you get your podcasts. We read every one!   In 2 weeks on Fine Dining: Applebee's Grill & Bar! If you have ever worked for Applebee's and have a story to share, or if you’d like us to hear your child’s review of the Applebee's kids menu, send it to [e-mail].   This month on our Patreon: Portillo's. Subscribe at the link above to get this exclusive episode!

Hey there, Dyna Maniacs! Before we jump into our episode, Garrett and I have a small announcement to make. Starting technically with our next episode, but in two weeks, we're gonna be a bi-weekly podcast, so you'll get an episode every other week. We are doing this to make sure that our quality stays high. And you know what? This is for us to get to know you, so we're gonna spend this time with more outreach. What? I just picture you, like, cuddling with a listener, breathing on the nape of their neck. And I don't think they want that or signed up for that. I don't know, do we want to make that a Patreon tier? Is this, like, only parents? No, I don't think so.

Part of the reason for this decision is this podcast has opened some doors for us. Starting April 6th, you will actually be able to watch me on a Twitch stream, hosting the 15th Annual Robo Games Tournament, which I'm very excited for. It is a lot of work. It's gonna be eating some of my attention for the next several weeks. Basically, so, like, your mouth's going for four days straight. Interviews, commentary, everything. Why do you have to phrase it my mouth? Just phrase it any other way, and it's okay.

Don't you love how I phrase things? No, it's horrifying. Like, I will be adding the color commentary to robot fighting. You'll be able to watch those on Twitch. I am greatly honored to be able to do it. But in the meantime, we want to keep the podcast to the standard that we have it as, and I think the consensus we reached on that is going to every other week will be beneficial for just in every way. You're gonna get stronger content. We're gonna take this time, maybe even go video. Yeah, we're gonna experiment with the possibility of having a video element to every episode.

But if you're really jonesing for our content, I promise our older episodes still hold up well. And more importantly, we do have a Patreon that you can go check out, get a bonus episode every month. I'm having a lot of fun with those episodes. They're good ones. They're good. They're very strong. Yeah. So, on to the episode. Hello, and welcome back to the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I'm your host, Michael Ornelis. And I'm your host, Garrett Swerk.

And this is a podcast where we're looking at, you know, not the finest of dining, but like, you know, fine dining. Yeah, not the worst, but the mid-as-hell. Yeah, we're going to all those chain restaurants that you grew up with, and we're gonna find you that perfect 5.00 out of 10 experience. Because we are experts in mediocrity. We are, and we want you to just know we want you to have a point of comparison of what's good, what's bad, what's right in the middle. That was a mis-test. We want to pull you down to our level. Now, this week we brought in a guest, someone who, well, comedically, they're a little bit more than mediocre.

And we're gonna say that at the beginning of the podcast, so that if they fall flat, they feel really bad. Um, he recently guest starred opposite Wanda Sykes on the upshaws. He'll be seen soon in an upcoming Coming to Las Vegas ad. And he crushes at stand-up comedy all around L.A. I saw him recently, and I was laughing my ass off. And so I was like, hey, you want to come on the podcast? Uh, give it up for, well, give it up. What are you at home listening to a podcast?

But, uh, welcome, Casey Adler. Woo! Yeah, you can talk now. Yeah, hey, Casey. That's actually not how I went. Remember, we were eating tacos at Guisados, and I said, oh, I want to be on your podcast. You didn't even invite me. Isn't that better for us?

Like, you're like, hey, I want to be part of your product. Exactly. That's a compliment. I said, I want to be a part of whatever you're doing. I don't even care what it is. You didn't even ask what it was. Don't you have a pod breath? I don't know.

I have pod breath. Don't you have pod breath? I do have pod breath. I also have butter breath. Oh, oh God. We went to Red Lobster. I have butter stomach and butter bowels. I have butter skin.

I'm sweating butter. And it is, how many days later? When did we go? Sunday? Saturday night. We went Saturday night. It is now Monday approaching evening, and we're still feeling like we're journaling like hour 48, the lobster still crawls through me.

I don't, the last two days have been a horror show. Do you remember, remember the end of Apocalypse Now when Marlon Brando is saying the horror? It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't the Vietnam War. It was the butter. Kid Jess went to Red Lobster. I was thinking the scene where his like, the head is like popped up out of the water, but instead it's butter. Yeah, we went to Red Lobster.

It was a buttery nightmare, and I'm going to do something unprecedented. And before we even dive into the podcast, I'm going to give out this week's, This Is Way Too Much Award to the butter on everything at Red Lobster. AMC theaters everywhere. Are you jealous of what Red Lobster has to offer? Yeah, Red Lobster, your butter is just in fact way too much. So we're going to jump into Red Lobster. We're going to rate it by its atmosphere, its service and its food.

By nighting party of three, our table is ready. We'll be right back. Your table is ready. Follow me. Have you tried our chicken breast? Serving pancakes and rips. I recommend the spaghetti. We're here to satisfy, not to impress.

Your table is ready. Complimentary butter and bread. These walls have growth signs. Knit, knack, cowboy hat, good luck hat. Altograph guitar, some crap from your city. Behold the trash key of mediocrity. Fine dining. Just fine dining.

Fine dining. Two ledgers on the sign are shining. Neon flickering, irregular timing. Identify the perfect vibe. Palatine. Fine dining. Fine dining. First impressions.

This place looked like all the other Red Lobsters. This place looks like it's just from Massachusetts. Yeah, it's got that blue siding, big brown painted building with like the white outline around the windows and stuff. You know about architecture, right? Casey, tell me all you know about it. The entire time I was just thinking about the architecture of this place. In my first impressions, I noticed that it was surrounded by a Chili's, an iHop,

a Jinkies, and a Chevron attached to a 24-hour Mexican grill. There's a coldstone, too. But the 24-hour Mexican grill was connected to the car wash. To the Chevron, yeah. To the Chevron car wash. Yeah, no, I noticed that on the way out. I was just like, oh, that's not a separate establishment. That's just like...

That was our view. We sell out of the inside of a gas station. And then we walk inside and, of course, there's a lobster tank right there. And this is a preview of our entire experience. It's kind of sad. The Lobsters are just grouped up into two corners piled on top of each other. The water is murky. No one's having a good time.

They're not even moving. They've seen their friends come and go. Well, just go. Yeah. It made me think of when I was a kid, you go to the lobster tanks and you're like, oh, this is so cool. But now, as an adult, scrounging for my existence, it just made me think of like... You see everyone dropping around.

Yeah. They're the taped hands. They have taped hands? There's no mercy. It is a ruthless practice. Oh, hey. You know, there's that TV show where the crazy redneck dudes go elbow deep into mud holes and grab catfish.

That even takes more skill. Like this is just tape their claws. They won't put up a fight. It is similar to like trophy hunters who go to Africa and they paid for a big game. But they're usually preserves. But they're preserves like preserves preserves. Is it a jam? Is it a jam?

Is it a jelly? But usually they're disabled in some kind of they're diseased and disabled. So the hunters are diseased and disabled. They're like, oh, look what I have the skill to like conquer. Right. And it's just like just this lame lioness. It's a tired slain rhino. With like barnacles on its horn.

And it's like, how do you even have that? You're not an underwater creature. Yeah. And then there's no weight. We go in. It's a Saturday night. Yeah. Like 50% capacity.

No weight. I did like the stage. The two steps. Yeah. Just a couple of steps. On to the stage. That felt a little fancy and I appreciated that as an actor. Yeah.

As an actor. Wow. You dropped something. I was like, should I do a monologue right now? Yeah. Hi, I'm Casey Adler. Reading for first time Red Lobster customer. It was Saturday night.

I was hungry. Tired. Looking for a place to unwind. And then I saw it. The Red Lobster restaurant in front of me. Beckoning me with a promise of succulent seafood. But as I stood there, frozen. I couldn't help but notice the Mexican restaurant across the street.

Attached to a Chevron's car wash. The mere logistics of the situation puzzled my mind. Why attach yourself to another company's car wash? It can't be good for business. Waiters with a side of suds. Waiter, there's turtle wax in my marg. Yeah. My body was in a Red Lobster, but my thoughts were not.

Was I betraying my curiosity by settling for a butter coated extravaganza? Oh, when I could walk across the street and simply ask, why, why would they do that? It's, it's a car wash. Literally, why would you do that? But then I realized that sometimes we make choices based on our immediate needs and desires. And that's okay. I was in front of the Red Lobster. And proximity is probably the number one thing driving customers through those doors.

We make the best of our situation. Human nature. And that's the answer to the question. If I want to share my food with the world, do I choose no Mexican restaurant? Or build one out of a Chevron? I'm going Chevron every time, baby. Because that's the American dream. Now, what I did notice is on the way back, the hostess asked me twice.

Are you rewards member? I said, no, she just continued walking. She gets to the table. Are you a rewards member? Like, are you trying to convince me? Yes, you know, that's a metric they're tracking. I know. You do look like someone who would be a Red Lobster.

No! I'm a rewards member. I resent that so much. Your face is red. Well, that's because they put stairs in there and I'm out of shape. They just made me work out in the middle of a Red Lobster. Of course, my face is red. And it's shiny from the butter still.

Garrett, do you know any more about this butter? Are there any like facts about the butter specifically about the butter? No, but I do know that this butter is very intensely flavored butter. Yeah. Getting a fork full, not a pleasant experience. Oh yeah, that's right. Should we talk about that now or in atmosphere? We'll talk about that later.

Okay. Well, in the meantime. Other facts. You've rounded up some rusty facts for us? Yeah. All right, let's go into this week's rusty fact roundup. Garrett, what's on the docket for us this week? Learn us about some Red Lobster.

Okay. The founding of Red Lobster is more than just a story of a chain restaurant growing out of a sleepy central Florida city. Did you pull this from their website? No. Yeah, it sounds like not for Ganda. This is the origin story of one of the world's largest restaurant conglomerates. Oh God.

Darden. Dun dun. In 1968, Bill Darden opened the first Red Lobster in Lakeland, Florida, a city best known for being the spring training location of the Detroit Tigers humidity and retirees. Thanks for grouping those three things together. Yeah. Retirees and humidity go together real well.

However, this was not Billy D's first foray into a aquatic named restaurant. He opened the Green Frog, a small lunch counter capable of serving up to 25 at the age of 19 in 1937. This man is just not creative. The Red Lobster, the Green Frog, the Orange Arangatang. Hey, I would have never eaten a place with a Orange level education. Hey, he's rich with a what level fourth grade level education. Is that true?

No. He only knows primary colors. I was about to be so pro Darden. I was going to be like, oh, well, I got a root for the underdog. For the next 30 or so odd years, Darden increased the size of his Green Frog restaurant, opened up multiple franchise Howard Johnson's and expanded into hotel and motel properties. Damn.

Dude just going to buy things. He just wants more and more. Yeah. In 1963, Darden purchased Gary's Duck Inn, a seafood restaurant in Orlando known locally for higher end service at an affordable price. This inspired him to open the first Red Lobster less than five years later. So he bought it and then kind of just took their model and renamed it. Exactly.

Which we had. We'll talk about this later. The American way. Yes. The service was great. It's pretty clear that that's how they built this restaurant. I agree with that. Yeah, we all agree with that.

The name Red Lobster has two distinct origin stories. Number one, Bill's wife, Mary, claims to have coined the name. Wait, what's the other origin story? The other origin story is the printing press from the first run of menus made the name. Casey, like you said, oh, Green Frog Red Lobster. That's the story from the printing press. It's colors and animals. And then what was the wife's claim?

I'm so smart. I came up with this idea in a brainstorming session. Give me 30% of royalties. And is there any actual confirmation on what it has like? There's no confirmation. Yeah, I was going to say yes or no on that one. He could just come out and be like, my wife did it. Yeah, that was true.

What do you think he's going to do? Lie just to make his wife happy? Oh, love. So I see what side you're taking. By 1970, business was booming and there were now three very popular Red Lobster locations. General Mills noticed and bought out the chain. What is it with General Mills getting into the restaurant game? What was the other one that they?

This was General Mills first foray into the restaurant business. Who did they own? Olive Garden. Olive Garden. That's right. I was going to say, I know that this fact came up about 10 years later. They then decided to open Olive Garden after having a bunch of success with Red Lobster. Wait, General Mills bought Red Lobster.

General Mills bought Red Lobster from Bill Darden and then hired Bill Darden to run it. We're talking about General Mills, the cereal company, correct? Yeah. Wow. I knew they made Olive Garden. Yeah, I didn't know they had Red Lobster. General Mills actually started. They coined Darden.

They started what Darden is. I mean, it's like Tesla purchased Red Lobster. Burger King. Yeah. In 1995, General Mills decided to spin off Darden restaurants into its own entity. So Darden comes from General Mills. Yes. I guess I never knew that.

Darden restaurants sold the Red Lobster property at the end of 2013 for $2.1 billion. That's so much money. That's like $4 billion, $20, $23. Yeah. There are currently 667 Red Lobsters in the US. Damn. That's surprising. Is it?

I was expecting like, I don't know. I don't know, like 100? Really? Is Red Lobster that? There are five options for us down here in LA. Outside of Los Angeles, though. No, but it was on the outskirts. There's probably 100 in California.

Is it outside of America, too? Yes. Wow. It's easier to name the states Red Lobster isn't in. How many? And you'll see a trend. Is it going to be places that have just good seafood? Like, yes.

Red Lobster is not, you're right, Red Lobster is not located in Alaska. Maine, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, and Vermont. It's like having Taco Bell in Mexico. Yeah. Yeah. All of these locations combined serve more than one million Cheddar Bay biscuits per day. A day? God, man.

Oh, man. That made my bowels twist. 667 locations. Let's do the math. One million Cheddar Bay biscuits per day. 1,500 biscuits per restaurant per day. Yeah, that's not that bad. Knowing Americans' pension for bread.

Yeah, and they're unlimited. Yeah. So here's a weird one. In 2012, Darden Restaurants planned to create the world's first commercial lobster fishery in Malaysia. This product had a proposed cost of nearly half of a billion dollars. So Darden put up about half the money. The government of Malaysia also put up money. But I looked this up.

The last news mention of this I can find is from 2021. And it was still only mentioned as a hypothetical. And I'm just thinking that either some combination of the red lobster sale in 2013 and the pandemic probably killed this. They had an endless crab of promotion in the early 2000s that almost bankrupted the company. Oh, I love that kind of stuff. Where it's like, oh, we underestimated how gluttonous people are. Red Lobster topped a list of the most calorically unhealthy chain restaurant meals with a whopping 2,710 calorie monstrosity featuring Walt's favorite shrimp, shrimp linguine Alfredo and parrot isle jumbo coconut shrimp

served with french fries, Caesar salad and a Cheddar Bay biscuit. OK, so I don't go into like calories or like my Weight Watchers points very often. But just the ramekin of butter that comes with the lobster is 17 points. Now, for reference, I get 30 points a day. What? Yeah. No. Yep.

So did you have the ramekin? I barely used it. I barely used it. You didn't take it home? Yes, I took a ramekin of butter. I'm already so buttered. I have a shot of butter. Yeah.

Oh, no. I don't know what you're thinking, Derek, but the way you're facing it up. You should have melted it and had a shot of butter. I missed an opportunity. Oh, God. I should have definitely done that. Had we known it was 17 points. We'll get into this shortly in atmosphere, but oh my God.

What a horrible thought. You got anything else? No, that is it. I can't just stop thinking about butter tutors. That's it for this week's rusty fact roundup. Obviously we've got a nautical theme. There's a lot of pictures of lighthouses, blue curtains that were a little dusty. A little.

I pointed them out at our meal. They were just like overhead. And I was just like, most curtains haven't been dusted. And Casey, you looked up and you just went, oh. The moment you pointed them out, bats flew away. That's why they were singing happy birthday so quietly. If they were loud, it would have. Yeah, there was a birthday.

There was only one birthday the whole time we were there. And it was this group that was singing so freaking quietly. It was weird. It was weird. And you know what? I want to give it the seldomly awarded. This is way too little. This is way too little.

The volume those people were singing happy birthday. It was so shushed and Garrett and I join in as we do. We join into Albert. We're just screaming. But no, you're just screaming. I have social awareness. You weren't screaming too? No.

I have one volume of singing happy birthday. I know. And they just looked over at you and I'm like, Garrett, you're going to dust the curtain. They had that really shitty, gross drop ceiling that you have in every office building. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, where it's like the not the popcorn ceiling, but like it's like those like your porous fiberglassy board. Yeah, with the like cross beams or whatever. Yeah, definitely takes at least a point or two off of the just the class level of your establishment.

But like the walls were wooden and nice. It had nice wood floors, brass handrails. It looked classy. It looked like they were trying. And the inlet lighting was beautiful. I felt like I was like being taken care of. You were lit in a very positive manner. Totally.

Your hair was magnificent in this lighting. It was good for you or a lighting. It's like you were glistening. It was like you had a glow ring. It was like you had butter. That's like you were coated in butter. It was like Papadone knocked up Loobies. What a horrible sentiment.

It was the fanciest nursing home ever. Yeah, I feel like Casey, you're the one who said this, but you compared it to a hotel restaurant. Like if I said a perfect three star hotel. The carpet was like jackered. Yeah, you know, it just felt like we won a vacation from like Wheel of Fortune. And then this was the restaurant attached to that. The dustiness of the curtains and the restaurants around the Red Lobster, I think probably gave it a sadder atmosphere than it probably would have otherwise.

It was also all the patrons were 65 plus and us, baby. And I think they saw us and well, to be fair, despite being younger than me, you look like everyone in line at a pharmacy. That's just I don't know if it's a fashion sense or a big glass. It's an energy. It is an energy. You definitely walk into a room and I feel like shushing.

I watched Law and Order when I was five. I do believe that. The people around us, there was a couple at a table next to us. And the first time I really noticed them was the man just like smacking the shit out of his lobster. On the table with like the little like crack it open sort of tool that that little implement. And he just looks at us. He was like, it was dead already. I was like, yeah, we know, but he was a nice guy.

They were a fun table. I got a selfie with them later in the night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's talk about that, Garrett. Let's dive on in to how drinking butter was a missed opportunity and taking selfies with the other tables. Why was that? Thanks, you must pull.

Yep. The you must pull gave Garrett a punishment. So I had to sit at 10 different tables throughout the course of the meal. Yes. And, you know, stipulated that they should be empty. We made one exception because it was fun. What I wanted to do was pull up next to a bunch of complete strangers and eat with them and be those assholes on like YouTube where you're like a prankster that's like ruining other people's meals.

That's not us. But I'm a positive addition to the meal. I dine with you willingly and I don't even agree with that. This was my first time having dinner with and meeting Garrett. And I was like, first and last. And then you also self-imposed that you had to eat a different part of your meal. Like you had to have a bite or drink of a different thing you ordered at every single table you sat at. I wanted more of a challenge.

Yeah. So immediately there were only four empty tables in our section. So once we knocked those out, we were like, OK, we're going to have to do some exploring. So yeah, you do the first one easy peasy, you just have like a little bite of the biscuit, right? Yeah, next one, like one of my drinks came down to kamikaze. From there, it was like, OK, now I'm carrying odd foods with me. One paradisle coconut shrimp. There was a moment where we had no new food.

So the only thing I could get was butter. That's right. We had just a ramekin of butter, not the melted butter, which is what you're saying was the most opportunity. I should have had if we had melted butter, butter shooter, easy. I loathe that thought. Jesus Christ. I would I would divorce you. I'd be like, well, that's the finale.

Either that or you would just drop me off at a fire station in the baby drop off box. Or like a hospital like you're overdosing and they're like, what's wrong with them? I was like, just talk to him. You'll find out quickly. He just took a shot of red lobster butter. But no, you just had like the bread butter and you just kind of took a little like pork full and ate it. And even still, you winced pretty heftily. This butter, I don't know what was wrong with this butter.

It's butter. You ate butter. You ate raw butter, but it's not any butter. It was red lobster butter. I don't know if you noticed, but the busser in our section noticed you every single time was just watching you like a hawk. That's OK. Like, is he going to mess up the table? Am I going to have to like, re-clean it?

Which you didn't. You did your 10 tables. Mind you, for social media, I am filming these for you, which by the way, you can see these antics on our TikTok, on our Instagram at FindDiningPodcast. That's right. We're on Instagram at FindDiningPodcast. We're on TikTok at FindDiningPodcast and you can email us whatever you want. FindDiningPodcast at gmail.com. We might regret that, but I don't know.

Maybe we won't. This You Must Bowl affected me. I had to get up and follow you to film you. Not even fair. I felt like I was being punished. You're being punished by being with me at every single one of these meals already. I feel like I lost a contract with a devil. I feel like I sold my soul and my eternal damnation is, yeah, but you got to eat with this guy at mediocre chain restaurants.

It was your rating that pushed this into over mediocre territory, so I had to do this. That bad. You have this magical standard that you're holding Benihana to. Yeah, I do. They earned it with a two hour wait. It was a one hour wait and then an hour at the table. Yeah. Anyways, Casey, how did you like Benihana?

The volcano? It was incredible. That was about it. I thought it was above mediocre. This guy thinks that because I think that just, I feel like Benihana has a floor. I feel like the worst Benihana is still not going to be a one. 100%. I don't know.

Thank you. I think a five hour wait would have made that a one. No, because at the end of the day, the experience is the experience. Do you think Red Lobster would have been better if the chef came out and kissed me on the mouth, kissed you on the mouth, made a little volcano and cooked it in front of you? Yes. Yes. So it's really about show.

It's premise. It's show. The premise of Benihana has a floor. It just simply can't fall below a certain rating. That's true. That's a good point. Thank you. Thank you.

The music here was like, I don't know, poppy, like top 40 type of stuff, which didn't feel appropriate for a Red Lobster. Well, you can't have a mix of Cheryl Crowe for your dinner and expect it to be. Yeah. Great. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like any place that just goes classy jazz, you immediately get points. Like if you're playing just the radio, automatic step down.

It's just like, oh, you didn't put a lot of thought into this. If you're playing 2003, just the radio. Yeah. Then it's not going to be great. Throw on some jazz. And I'm like, okay, this is a place that takes itself seriously. If a Denny's started playing jazz. Miles Davis.

Into it. If a Denny's had a live jazz band. Yeah. Yeah. Denny's live music every Friday night from seven to 10. They had a payment machine. That's another thing that undercuts your atmosphere substantially. When you have an automated like credit card.

Well, it wasn't just the payment machine. Oh, no. It was an entertainment device. Yeah. With video games that you can't play. Unless you can. Unless you pay. No, I don't even think you could play them.

Oh, really? It was just, these are the video games that you can. That exists. That exists. And I actually did see a kid at another table. Watch the automatic. Yeah. And that same table, the like mom or dad had like metal music kind of blasting from their

phone. I saw that. Well, they were sick of Cheryl Croy. They were sick of Cheryl Croy. Cheryl Croy. Oh, Cheryl Croy. That's Cheryl Croy's Irish sister. Yeah.

Cheryl Croy. Yeah. It was a very funny choice to where it's just like, I want to hear some mastodon. So screw Cheryl Croy. Now, there was a peculiar thing I noticed when I went to the restroom. Not the cleanest, not the worst. Run of the mill, whatever kind of restroom. They did have like a little flavored, all crew must wash hands instead of all employees

where it's like, oh, nautical. I appreciate it. I didn't go to the restroom there. I wish I would have. Now, waiting outside of the restaurant for probably two thirds of our experience, there was an ambulance parked outside, but they weren't in a rush. They didn't seem to be tending to anyone. And I'm just wondering what's going on over there.

What's going on over there? Michael, what's going on over there? Mike, what's going on over there? Thanks guys. It's a preemptive ambulance. There's so much butter at this red lobster that someone's going to get hurt. Butter is deadly. Butter is deadly.

Whether it's a heart attack. Vlogging your arteries. Vlogging your arteries. A slip and fall. A slip and fall. Choking on butter. Yeah. Because sometimes it's too hard because they put it in the freezer or the fridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or literal, like the butter reflecting off of someone just because they're so glistening, you get distracted and go blind. Have you ever tried to snort butter like after you do that? No. Nothing else happens. Why do you have experience with this? I don't.

Okay. But that ambulance is there, so I could have tried. So you could have tried and you would have had a safety net. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is also not their first rodeo. This ambulance comes by often. They are used to butter related incidents at this Red Lobster for sure.

Yeah. This ambulance has a punch card for free car washers and tacos. Yeah. Can you imagine the ambulance just like going through that car wash? Just unrelated. Do ambulances fit through a car wash? Probably. That sounds like such a fireable offense.

Is it a symbiotic relationship between the ambulance and Red Lobster? I think so. Red Lobster isn't paying the ambulance to be there. No, I don't think so. I think it's just like they get to not worry about the headline of their food killed somebody. So they can increase the butter content. It's like a clownfish and a sea anemone. You said that really well.

Yeah. Yes, it's the same relationship. I know I'm so well versed in clownfish and sea anemone. So when it's feeding, that's like when Red Lobster is pumping us filled with butter and the clownfish is protecting the restaurant from the liability of all of our future deaths. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the opposite, but yes.

I think that's what was going on over there. Now, the layout of this place, there were like five different dining sections. The one that we were in, the kind of big one in back that you can tell they kind of put all their eggs in that basket as far as decorating. And then they had one that almost felt like the tables next to the buffet. Like if you go to a hotel buffet, it wasn't a buffet at this Red Lobster, but it just felt like that layout, a little private area and then a bar area. So I don't know.

This Red Lobster felt like it was just very sprawling a little bit too all over the place. It felt more like a commune or like like Waco, Texas. Like everyone gets their spot and then the FBI. But hey, the ambulance is already on premises. They're ready to go. I think all this adds up to now that we have brought in a cult-like atmosphere, I'm going to go zero thumbs on the atmosphere. Not two up, not one up, none down, just zero.

Yeah. I'm also going to go zero thumbs, nothing offensive, nothing rewarding, just safety in an ambulance. I'll give zero. It felt dry. It felt rye. It felt cry. It did.

It did feel a little bit cry. It was not spray. It was not spray. We'll be right back. Service. Okay. Of all the servers we've had, I think this guy was the most pro. He just felt like he had been through it, but hadn't lost.

He's not the enthusiast. Yeah, he's not jaded. And yet almost sounds like if he's not by this point, he never will be. He was like the perfect worker. Someone who knows that everything they're doing is not helpful. At the same time, you want to do a great job. Yeah. You want to do well in life just for yourself, for your own personal integrity.

Yeah. I liked this guy a lot. His name was Paul. We only give the names of waiters that were exceptional and I feel like we can all agree that we're not really going to be shit talking this guy at all. Yeah. I'll just come right out and say it. If it wasn't for Amy, Paul would be our number one.

Yeah. I got literal friend energy from him. Like I felt like I knew him. Yes. And I didn't. And I was like, not everyone is able to kind of connect with you that well and that quickly. I felt like immediately I was like, oh, I'm comforted with this. Paul felt like my brother.

I felt like we were just, we were tight. He didn't seem to have a problem with you. He actually suggested sections that you go to to get tables eight through 10 when you had to sit at 10 different empty tables throughout the course of the meal. He was giving you ideas and he was like, yeah, you won't have a problem with me. And I was like, all right. He knows how to go off book. He knows how to go off book.

I mean, giving you that artisanal white bread. Yeah. That was his idea. That was his idea. It was his idea. He was like, you know what? I'll see what the chefs can whip up. And the chefs walked to IHOP and came back with bread.

Yep. That's what they did. The chefs left their post and went over to the IHOP. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. There's a sprouts down the road. They went to sprouts. Yeah. I mean, I had the bread too.

I thought it was good. It was great. It was great. It was great. It just wasn't. IHOP has great bread. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I'm going two thumbs up on Paul.

I don't have a ton more to add. He was just, he was great. One moment I liked. So when we first ordered our drinks, we were all getting named drinks. I'm like, Hey, is there a drink named after an Asian person? I got an Arnold Palmer. I got a Shirley Temple. I got a Roy Rogers, but Roy Rogers is not an Asian dude.

So he's like, get a kamikaze shot. I'm like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a thumb rating? Thumb rating. Two thumbs up. Easy.

Easy. Two thumbs up. Definitely two thumbs up. But kamikaze is not named after a human. No. It could be slightly offensive, but he was so, he, I think that was his only word. Recourse. Yeah.

He knew off the top of his head. And I thought it was, I thought it was funny that like, okay, first thing. Oh, kamikaze. I like the subtext of like, I need a drink named after an Asian person. And then he's basically like, kill yourself. And those around you. And now a word from our totally not made up sponsor. Oh, hi there.

It's your favorite sponsor job and I am back with a brand new thing this week. Do you think there's a tragic shortage of beverages named after Asians? Jobs got you covered. I've been drinking all sorts of things and getting the names. First up in honor of her Oscar win, we've got the Michelle Yeohito. It's a regular mojito and then you throw in literally everything. You can drink it everywhere. And it'll make you think every thought you've ever had all at once.

And then Daniel Day Kim. No. Daniel Day Curry. Like Dak, Dakery. They're not all great. They can't all be as good as the Constance Woosky Sour. Putting all those people aside, there's one man and one man alone that we should be honoring. The drunken master himself, we've got the Jackie Chan Hatton.

We're gonna go deeper. We're gonna give him a drink for a bunch of his movies. How about a Mai Tai Noon? It's two parts Western, a dash of that nose divot that Owen Wilson has. And you finish it off with a karate chop. Speaking of karate, Jackie Chan was in that Karate Kid remake. Well, how about we make him the Kalata Kid? Oh, I'm being told I gotta wrap this up because I'm suggesting mixing kids with alcohol.

I'm not gonna have any kids anywhere near this segment. Okay, bye. Munchkin Menu Musings. Hi, my name is Owl. And I'm really the adult. I'm for for for we're in the the kids kids menu. I'm Fred's Lobster. I would like to eat macaroni. I would like to eat the ice cream too.

I do like the animals. I eat the hot, I eat the tomato, and I eat the crab. And I eat the sausage. We see people dreaming in a dreaming pool. I can count one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I see ten ditches. I do mommy ditches. I'm getting a baby ditch.

There's a matting puddle. There's a lot of dirt. I like to cut those teeth hot. Why not have a body? I like about it. Because there's the red lobster. I think the puddles are done. I get it.

One thumbs up. Thank you. Have a good day. Food. Yum. Okay, so we've got to talk about the food. And the very first thing on our table, the very first thing on everyone's table at a red lobster,

is the cheddar bay biscuits. And Garrett, you and I don't eat cheese, but you bit the bullet, you bit the biscuit. Yeah, someone had to. This is what red lobster is known for. They were soft, airy, crumbly, and they only had a hint of mild cheddar. So I don't like cheese,

but this was not overpowering. I could handle this. I didn't want to throw it up. I could just generally mess with me later. These aren't the dense doughy biscuits that you get from most places outside of the south. See, I love dense doughy biscuits. Oh, man, I love the light and fluffiness of these.

I mean, I love them both. I just love biscuits. Oh, me too. Yeah, I just don't love cheese. Fun fact about these biscuits, it's company policy to provide biscuits equaling the number of people at the table plus one. I hate when restaurants do that.

I think it should be multiples. I think it should be just if there's three people, bring six or three or three. Paul credit for this because we got six. Oh, did we? Yeah. Well, it is unlimited. And you didn't know we weren't going to eat.

So you want two per person, even if not everyone's going to have two. I don't like the assumption. You want to throw away food. Or do you want to send back food? I do love sending back food. My favorite thing. Send it back.

Send it back. No, I mean, it's just more about like, I've noticed like CPK if I go with four people and you get five pieces, there's definitely going to be more than one person who wants a second. 100%. I don't like that you're now asking for an entire

extra thing of bread. So you think in aggregate, you'd actually have less food waste? Yeah, probably. I think for three people, I think five is the right amount to bring. I think you make a great point. I don't think plus one.

I think it's double it minus one. Do you think we should make this a policy? Yeah. Legislation. Yes. I'm going to call our representatives and our senators. What happens if you go to double minus one and everyone wants double?

Oh, that's good. I think double minus one means that two people will split that last one. Yeah. And that creates camaraderie, community. Or conflict. Or conflict. Or conflict.

And that's spicy as well. I like conflict. So these biscuits, nine out of 10 biscuits. Wow. Amazing biscuits. I actually took the rest of them home and ate them that night.

Very sad. That was the rest of my meal. He actually cried while doing it. My girlfriend was at work. I was home alone. I was just sitting in my kitchen. Listening to Cheryl Crow. Listening to Cheryl Crow.

And we're just eating biscuits. You could have at least turned on a light. Now, we had the artisan bread, which is just toast. It was lightly toasted bread, lightly buttered. And I couldn't even butter it. I couldn't even butter it. So I just had toast. It had an oil on it, right?

It had something. It had an oil, which in my brain, I said, oh, you put a little butter on there, didn't you? It may have been. It was good, though. It was probably butter. It was good. It was very white, though.

It was still solid. It was still white. It was very white. Did this just get bleached? Why is it so white? It's an artisanal product. Of course it's white. It was gentrifying bread.

Yes. Seven out of ten for that bread. I thought it was, you know. Seven out of ten, I've had better artisanal bread. That's what eight, nine, and ten are for, Casey. No, no, no. I'm going with six. Okay.

I'm going with a six. And I still say, I hop. You did great. I hop doesn't even offer bread. They have pancakes and waffles. This is their bread. You know why they don't have bread? They give it to Red Lobster.

Yes. Okay. All right, so let's move on to the appetizers. We got the Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp with Pina Colada Sauce. I'm the only one who tasted the sauce. That was weirdly chunky, by the way. Well, because I think it had like some pineapple chunks. I thought that the shrimp was okay.

I thought that the sauce didn't add anything positive. I thought it was better without the sauce, but the sauce wasn't bad. I'm just going to six and a half out of ten on these. The first bite of the coconut shrimp was amazing. Yeah? On the third coconut shrimp that I ate, I started to feel like I wasn't having coconut, but rather coconut essence. Mm-hmm.

So I gave it a five. Had I just had one coconut shrimp, I would have given it an eight and a half. Gave in it? Yeah, I would have gave in it. Nice. I would have gave in it an eight and a half. Okay, Cheryl Croy. I really would have given it an eight and a half.

Yeah. But having three gives you more experience with something. I agree. It's like the NBA. Like, I'm going to rate Garrett's fries off of one fry. People are like, that's a complete crap shoot. And hey, I think you're right. I only had one.

Oh, and you loved them? And you loved it. I loved it. Exactly. Eight out of ten. Exactly. I wrote down, wow. Oh, really?

It's a coconut breading that released just enough grease during the first crunch. Now, do you think you liked it so much because you got to eat it away from us at another table? Yes. Yeah. But no, the better stayed attached. It was tender. It was a savory shrimp.

Everything was excellent about this thing. But also I felt like eating the third shrimp, it now really didn't taste like I was having like a real shrimp underneath the bread, but rather mush together shrimp attached to a little tail for appearances. So like schnitzel shrimp. Put the tail in there so they don't notice. Put the tail in so they don't know it's an imposter shrimp. Then we got the crispy Brussels sprouts.

Casey immediately was like, I said this tastes like Panda Express Brussels sprouts. Well, because it literally had like a soy glaze. I thought they were really good. They were very good. I'll give them a seven out of ten. I'm not going to go like. I actually had maybe four or five Brussels sprouts and so that tells me, yes, they are a seven.

Yes. You can settle on it because you've had enough of a sample. I'm going to give these a nine out of ten because they were cooked properly throughout. They weren't mushy. They had a really strong char flavor and the onion straws on top added a little bit of excellent crunch. Yeah. They were very well made.

I think the ones that I had were a little too sauce soaked. Oh, I cherry picked them. Definitely. It was like a texture thing for me. It's still a really good flavor, but yeah, I think mine were just a little too saucy. These reminded me of the ones we had at the Cheesecake Factory, but they were cooked all the way through. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. So now we arrive at our actual meal. Garrett, do you want to go first with your order? Okay. You went to a red lobster and got. I got chicken tendies. I had to. You didn't have to.

I didn't have to, but like no one made you. I don't, honestly, I don't really don't like seafood that much and I was in the mood for something that I thought I was going to enjoy. Did you think right? I thought incredibly wrong. Yeah. Okay. These things were crap.

It was flavorless breading, but the flavorless breading stayed attached to the somewhat moist and runny chicken. You and I split one, right? Yeah. I didn't even have moist. It was almost like it was the same mush together shrimp. They dried out throughout the meal like the first one I had was over time, but after that they were all dry.

Also the breading on them, it tasted fishy. I didn't taste anything from the breading. I didn't taste anything from the chicken to be honest. It's like that's a three and a half chicken tender. It was disgusting. I tasted tan. It was like tanned leather. I can only just describe a color.

It was like a fast food, but bigger chicken tender. It wasn't even as good as a fast food chicken tender. Oh yeah. I would take a Wendy's, Wendy's nuggets over this. Yeah. 1,000%. I went four and a half out of 10 on the one, half of one that I had, but garbage. Two and a half.

Wow. Okay. Those fries. Yeah. Flaccid, lukewarm, undercooked and taste just like butter. Four out of 10. Do you know how often you use flaccid to describe things? Flaccid and limp.

I hear you use a lot. Hey, I've used like turgid before. You have. All I wrote for the fries is meh. The one that I got, I don't know, I'd say four, four and a half. It didn't impress me by any stretch of the imagination. Wasn't garbage, but yeah. Mashed potatoes.

Oh, that's right. It was small. It looked like you got like just a dollop. Ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes. I was just going to say it did look like ice cream. Yeah. It just tasted just like butter and pepper. That was it.

Ben and Jerry's new red lobster ice cream. Oh, it was gross though. It was pasty and a little bit lumpy. It looked like it was on dialysis. Yeah. It would have tasted better if it had the filtration and moisture it gets from dialysis. What a comparison. Five out of 10 bad kidney potatoes.

Bad kidney potatoes, legendary. So I had blackened salmon, which was more brown. It was more orange. It was it was paint. It was a Michael's painted on blackened. They actually have like a swatch in back and they're like comparing. I think there's a Michael's in that same closet too. But I got the full plate and it was certainly healthier.

It was a healthier option, but it was so rubbery. Like I before cutting into it, I felt like I could hold this up, slap you with it and it would not break. It would not break. Why didn't you do that? I should have. I really should have. But overall, the salmon tasted fine.

I would give that a seven, seven and a half. Did you try some Michael? I tried some. I just went five out of 10. It's very average salmon. I'm going to bump my down then. Who are you trying to impress? Six and a half.

You know what? I'm going to take it down even lower. Three and a half out of 10. Oh, yeah. You had some. Yeah. I wrote meh, flavorless, limp and dry. The thing that really comes in.

I just I couldn't even cut the thing with the fork. Yeah. It was too rubbery. Yeah. Oh yeah. It took me a while to get my bite off your plate. I was like, literally just like. It was weird.

Moving piles around your plate, trying to get a fork cut. It took two forks to get it onto your plate. I also had the orzo rice, which was good, tasted like that little like box of rice pilaf you get from rounds. Yeah. It sustained me that night. In a lot of ways, it was the best thing. I would give it an eight.

Okay. Wow. You guys didn't have any of it. I appreciate it. You're giving me FOMO. Yeah. We should all go back tonight. Yeah.

Orzo rice. Yeah. Just rice. A bucket of orzo rice. Let's do it. The last thing I had was a kebab of grilled shrimp, which was utterly bathed in butter. I thought it was good though. It was good.

Yes. It was good. I had two or three. I just wrote actually pretty solid, which goes to show what my expectation was, just the actually being a surprise. By the time we got there. Yeah. Seven out of 10 on those shrimp for me.

Seven. Yeah. I also like, I also give it a seven. I only went five out of 10 on those because they were extremely rubbery by the time I got to it. Right. But the garlic and butter flavor was really good on this. I thought they were solid.

I thought they were solid. They were starting to become cold by the time you ate it. Yeah. When you form up plastic, it'll, it'll be loose, but as it goes down, it hardens. You got to keep your plastic tender. Yes. You got to keep the plastic tender. They're the rule number one of plastic.

We all know. CFCs just go to shit right away. Yeah. Okay. So for my meal, I got the surf and turf. I got Maine Lobster Tail and a New York steak. Was that a New York steak? Yes, it was.

I thought it was a sirloin. No. I thought it deserved to be called a New York steak. I got the New York. What? Yeah. And then I had baked potato and broccoli on the side. That New York was pure fat.

That can't even be called a New York steak. No, your bite was, but even still, the fat was so tough. It was bad. Like, yeah, good fat on a steak is one of the tastiest, like, things you can eat. Marble-ized. This was, I wrote bad steak, bad fat, bad texture, two buttery, three out of 10. Jesus. I got on a front to steak.

This was the worst steak I've had on the podcast. This is maybe the worst steak I can remember eating. Do you believe that it was the cow's fault, the chef's fault, it was the amount of butter that it probably spent time in before it made it to my plate, before it even made it to the pan? Right. I don't know, but... This is definitely not grass fed.

No. Yeah, no. It went through that car wash. It spent some time in the shambulans. Shambulans. Car wash steak. Now, before I go to my other entree that, you know, surf and turf, I do want to talk about my side.

Broccoli was like a buttery mash as well. Like... It was. It was weird. It was supposed to be healthy. I'm supposed to be balancing... They got it from the Grimm's frog. ...the unhealthy Grimm's frog.

Yeah, it was green frog broccoli, five out of 10. I mean, it was average tasting, but it was still just like, why are you doing this to even your broccoli? Clearly, people are ordering the broccoli because they want to be a little bit healthier. Don't butter it up. But hey, you can eat that broccoli without your dentures. That's true. It was like a spoonful of like cereal broccoli.

Cereal broccoli. The bottom of the bowl cereal broccoli. And then I got a baked potato, which was probably the best part of the meal for me. I got it with butter, chives, and bacon bits. It was a solid baked potato, seven and a half out of 10 for me. And now to move on to my lobster. Now I had lobster just a week ago at Benihana, and it was good lobster. It wasn't the best lobster I've ever had, but it performed well.

I liked it. It was sizable. There were good chunks inside the shell, like three very solid like little rolls almost. This they like fluffed it up out of the tail. It was weird. So it looked like it was overflowing with lobster meat. And I was like, oh man, this is good value. It was a love handle of lobster.

But then you look at it from the side and the entire tail is empty. So you have an empty tail with this top layer of actual meat. It looked like a flesh light from the side. All right. It was just a lobster flesh light with a pool of butter that Garrett wished that he'd downed for some reason. Hey, it would have been better content if I just did a butter shooter. No, it would not have been better.

That ambulance would have been put to use. It was a disappoint like an angering amount of meat. I was just like, this is it. Tasted good. I mean, it's lobster at a place known for it. But even then little too buttery. I barely use the butter sauce barely like a little dip on one of the bites and the rest I just kind of had the lobster as is seven out of 10, but like hugely exaggerated, insulting

hollow lobster tail. Give more meat. Like give better lobster. I don't know. My roommate suggested that maybe it was like they were trying to make it because sometimes the lobster sticks to the shell so they were making it easier for you to access the lobster. That's a very generous reason. I don't even necessarily disagree with it, but still the amount of the lobster was just

insulting. The brownie overboard. I thought it was good. They definitely, I don't know if I'd call it overboard on the brownie. Like there were like three little triangular chunks that, you know, they were a good size, but they weren't overboard. Solid dessert, good tasting, seven and a half out of 10 for me. I only watched you two eat it that night.

And how would you rate that? And I watched you. I watched it fall into your beard a little bit. And watching you guys enjoy it, it felt like an eight to me. Oh, okay. Wow. For me, it was a six out of 10. The brownie, ice cream, caramel, everything.

It was fine. I mean, those are good ingredients. They were good ingredients, but they didn't do anything special for me. It was just a made as hell dessert. I think this was a red lobster problem in general. They hit one flavor note hard on every single thing. And in most of them, it was butter. Yeah.

I want some complexity. Yeah. And maybe that's too much to ask from a red lobster. But you guys didn't even finish the brownie overboard. Had you gotten to the middle, there was a chunk of butter waiting for you. There was an actual concealed ramekin. Oh, maybe that's what I hit my tooth on. Oh, that's right.

You clinked your tooth on the martini glass that this brownie concoction was served in as you were drinking it at the bar at your 10th table of the night that you had to sit at. Overall on the food, I'm giving a reluctant one thumb up. I think just on paper. Can I give quarter thumbs? No. You can't even give a half a thumb.

All right. So you give it one thumb up. I'll give it zero. You'll give it zero. I'll give it zero. I'm also going to give this zero thumbs up. It started off great with some very high scores with the biscuits and the appetizers, and it only went into a buttery downhill slope from there.

Yeah. All right. So it averages out. So about a quarter thumb. It's a third of a thumb. We need a little yellow little yellow little yellow from strangers. A one star, two star, three star, four by Y. So get a little yellow little yellow.

From strangers give us those complaints while you're literally white and I Yelp. All right. And we are back with Yelp from strangers, our segment where we read our favorite one, two, three, four, and of course, the perfect five star Yelp reviews. You can listen to this full segment exclusively on our Patreon, but you'll be able to hear a couple of them right now. Now this is a review of the specific Red Lobster that we went to one star review. Now this was a one star review from MacGyver P. One month ago.

Great. Good start. I know, right? Okay. First time here. So I am literally sitting in this Red Lobster right now, placed order about 40 minutes ago now, have not received my table's food. Literally one of the worst experience I've ever had since I walked in the door.

Don't want to play any kind of card here. The host seemed to seat my mom and I in what seemed like undesirable table. I don't even know anything about this person. Asked to move to better table, got stuck in a corner. But I would consider, again, not a good table. Were they not up on the stage? Nor the world to see. They were not, but they dealt with it.

Still waiting on my food. Maybe I'll edit this later if the food is good. Let's see when that is. Wait, wait, was he writing the review? He's just like in the restaurant. He was eating his review. He was in the stream of consciousness. He's in the lifetime of Yelp.

There is plenty of other options in this area for food. I would highly recommend going elsewhere. We walked in at 6-ish PM, 1-8, 23 on a Sunday, surprisingly slow. But again, never been here before. I am starting to see why it's so slow. Banger on duty tonight should be more attentive to tables. Would give this two-place A0 starts if possible. Did I just have a freaking stroke?

What the hell? Your brain, baby, it affects us all, even mid-tweet. I can see why this dude was shoved into the corner. He's just gotten butter essence, he just smells butter vapors, and it's affecting his brain power. This was one month ago. He still hasn't updated it, so he's still waiting there. Two-star review.

This is from Marta C. 8 months ago. Went this past weekend and they were basically out of all sodas, except Diet Pepsi. It would have been nice if they would have posted a sign on the door stating so. They knew it and should have posted it. I feel that's management's neglect in not doing so. To me, it's very unprofessional for a business like this to run out of sodas. Unacceptable. Marta C. really wanted her sodas.

Marta C. went to Red Lobster. For the sodas. She wanted a suicide. She was like, give me one from all of them. We'll compromise. She could have grabbed a drink from Chevron and came back. Five-star review. All right, this five-star review is from Diana B. Very surprised at how good the food here

was. That's a good start. I came here with very low expectations and was pleasantly surprised. The main lobster MP was only 38 and tasted like I was sitting on the pier of Portsmouth, Parba in Maine. The crate your own feast has shrimps, lobster and crab. So tasty. Our waitress Linnea did a great job too and really added to the hometown feel.

I don't believe it. I like how you transported us to a lighthouse. I don't believe it. I know it says at the beginning, very surprised at how good the food here was, which is kind of a red herring. It's a backhand of compliment for sure. I do believe this was a paid for review. You think Diana B, the B stands for bought and sold?

She just has low standards in life. Low standards, yeah. I mean, it's very poetic. She might write poetry and go to poetry readings on the side and get snaps from just her friends. I do believe this is also a fake review because as Garrett was mentioning earlier, one of the only states that does not have red lobster is Maine. Yeah, but she said that red lobster in and of itself makes you feel transported to Maine, which it doesn't.

But I feel like a manor would, and not saying this woman is a manor. Because she's clearly not. Because she's clearly not. But certainly a manor would not say this. I think you've more just ruled out that she's from one of 49 other states more than anything else. If you'd like to hear the rest of our Yelp from Strangers segment, go on over to our Patreon and we'll be posting all five of our favorite reviews there.

You can find the link for that in the description of this episode or just go to patreon.com slash find dining podcast. Final rating. Okay, we've got to give a final rating to Red Lobster. We've got to place it up on the Chachki of Media. Are you impressed by the Chachki of Mediocrity case? It's actually quite incredible, right? Yeah.

It's a cool site to behold. You can see it over on our Instagram at find dining podcast or you can watch our video episode, The Hooter Bowl. God, I want to know on our Patreon what lands at a zero. Oh, God, I hope we never find a point like a line cook would have to come out and punch us all in the face with like a prong, but yeah, it keeps track of all of our scores so far and we need to know where does Red Lobster fall. So we got to give it a rating.

Who wants to go first? I'll go. All right. I truly believe in my heart of hearts. It is no more, no less than a four and a half, four and a half, four point five zero, four point five zero and what's brought you to that. Just the overall sadness I felt leaving Canoga Park. I've never felt such an interminable amount of utter despair.

I remember driving away. I know that you said it was like- I wasn't happy. I wasn't, you know, anyone buying you a meal is a nice time, is a nice treat, but I walked away going- I still want my money back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, like overall, I went three thumbs up, like that's my aggregate score of all the sections

of Red Lobster. I went zero on atmosphere, two up on service. We had a great server and one up on food, a reluctant one up, but that didn't place it too high. I mean, I have gone places that got like three thumbs up that were like in the eights. That's just not the case here. I'm going 6.2 and the determining factor of that was I went 6.23 or 2.4 on Hooters and I think I like the Hooters experience more, mostly just because the lemon pepper shrimp

there was incredible and I want to go back for that. Yes. And the wings. The wings are good, but yeah, I can't even put Red Lobster over Hooters. No. Red Lobster doesn't beat a breast-draunt. No. I don't want to belabor the point, but the price point for such food does affect the

score. Historically, it has not for us. But I'm going to because it's fair if it does for you. Because again, if these were Denny prices, that's a different thing because Denny knows what it is. Red Lobster is delusional. Red Lobster is either delusional or masquerading as something that it's not. Yeah.

I thought of this experience very much like our Bubba Gump shrimp company experience. Of course. Comparable. Both seafood. Both great servers. Yes. The servers really saved the experience of just middling food and an okay atmosphere. I gave Bubba Gump a 6.05.

I can't in good conscience rate Red Lobster above Bubba Gump. So how close is it falling? I'm going to give Red Lobster a 6.04. Is that one one hundredth short of Bubba Gump? Yes. Just to make a statement. Just to make a statement. All right.

Well, the three of our scores averaged together, Casey, you really brought it down into the zone of mediocrity. Thank you, Casey. Red Lobster falls at a 5.58, slapping it up on the chachki of mediocrity. Garrett, thanks to Casey, you're not going to have to sit at 10 tables next time. You're not going to have to do anything crazy. There is no you must goal. No.

That said, we are going to cry out to our audience for submissions. Hey, guys, give us more. We want some help. Yeah. We want some really good you must goal suggestions. Nothing that's going to like screw up someone's day. You know, we're not looking to go over, be like, oh, you have to hit three people in the face while they're eating.

Not that. No. All right. Well, 5.58 for Red Lobster is not 5.00. Which means we have to keep looking. It means that we need to play the headline game. The rules of the headline game are as follows. Garrett will present three headlines to Michael that include this week's restaurant.

They can be made up or they can be actual headlines. If Michael can correctly guess if at least two out of three are real or fake, he will get to select next week's restaurant. However, if Garrett stumps him, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? I am ready. I am on edge. Great.

Okay. Well, you're on edge. You're ready. Headline number one, 50 shades of red lobsters. What color are lobsters really? I don't think it's about the Red Lobster restaurant. I do. I do believe it's true as well.

I think it's true. Because I'm sure it's some kind of critique from the Washington Post. Stop calling them red. They're upset. It's like when Subway Tuna was discovered to not be tuna. Yeah. Headline number two, lobsters, tigers, and bears, oh my, Kissimmee Red Lobster has run in with Escaped Feline.

False. I'll go with true. It's a little much, but I'll go with true. I'm saying false just because if there's like an animal infestation or running, that's just that's Garrett's prime zone of creativity on these. Okay. Last one, Rockin' Red Lobsters. Local DJ wins eating competition at local seafood restaurant.

True. False. I don't buy it. Why would he lie to us? It's the design of the game. So the first headline, 50 shades of red lobsters. What color are lobsters? Really?

Yeah. Both of you said true. Yep. It is true. Yeah. Next one, lobsters, tigers, and bears, oh my, Kissimmee Red Lobster has run in with Escaped Feline. Yeah.

Michael, you said false. Casey, you said true. It is false. I knew it. I kind of had that feeling and I just felt like from the way Michael was saying false, I was like, you know what, I don't want him to be fully right. So as of now, Michael, you've got the pick for next week. Yeah.

We'll see here. Last one, Rockin' Red Lobster's local DJ wins eating competition at local seafood restaurant. Michael, you went false. Casey, you went true. It just sounds like another like machination of your brain. That is false. So I was right on all three.

I've redeemed myself. I feel like I've been in a headline game slump for a bit. You have been. So where are we going next week, Garrett? When this podcast started, I had in mind what I thought the perfect five restaurant would be and we have not gone there yet. I'm saving it, but you also had a place that you thought would be the most mediocre place. And you know what?

It's episode 25. It's the 25th restaurant we've gone to excluding our Patreon. So let's make it an occasion. Let's go to your neighborhood, Applebee's. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Eatin' good. Eatin' mediocre. Yeah, I haven't been to an Applebee's since maybe fourth grade. It's been a really long time. The only thing I remember is the Blondie, which I'm definitely going to want to get. These are my favorite casual dining French fries. Oh, okay. Cool.

I'm excited for that. Better than islands? Yes. Okay. Sweet. Thanks for listening to the Fine Dining Podcast. Thanks, Casey, so much for joining us. Thank you.

Thanks for putting up with us. I had a great time. Do you have anything that you want people to go check out or follow? If you want to follow me on Instagram, as they all say and do today, it's CaseyJadlerComedy. If you want to just go to my website, it's CaseyJadler.com. Yeah. Or CaseyJadler. You can Jadler at me.

Yeah. You can contact me. You can email me. I'm excited to follow your podcast and find out which is the most mediocre restaurant in all of America. I believe Applebee's might give you a run for the money. You think it is the case? The current leader is Waffle House at 5.06.

It feels off. It just feels wrong. Well, it does. It is a little off for us. It was a really weird experience. It was a really weird experience. We loved it. The food was amazing.

Yeah. I felt this was it. Found the disinfectant food. Olive Garden's also close. David's the biggest food. Olive Garden should be close. Yeah. I do feel Applebee's might be your winner.

Yeah. All right. Well, we didn't find it, but the Search doesn't fact continue. Have a fun day. The search continues. I thought of some more drink ideas for Jackie Chan. And I didn't want to let him go to waste. Thanks for sticking around.

Obviously he did the tuxedo. Which in and of itself is a cocktail. So that one doesn't need to be touched. There's a white rush hour Get it and then we go to the land of animation the Lego Ninjago movie Rita It's like a Margarita, but with the Lego Ninjago movie in the name and then of course finishing off strong with the Rumble in the Long Island iced tea. I don't know this isn't my job There should be more drinks named after Asians already if you want more ideas call me I don't have a phone you know that but go to your local dojo and look for the man practicing roundhouse kicks on the cardboard cut out of

George Clooney. He knows what he did. So come find me. Okay. Bye The search continues We still need the perfect fire The search continues Like and subscribe The search continues Our journey did not conclude the mother and search continues Riders and iTunes review

And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars? Follow us on tiktok The same on Instagram All the socials at Find Dining Podcasts We have a website Find Dining Podcasts.com Buy our t-shirts

Then put them on And don't forget you can always suggest where we go next Okay We're going to find it There Mediocrity The search continues See you next week

Have a fine day