Fine Dining - Texas Roadhouse (Part Two: Review) feat. Michael Moore

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

The Roadhouse Devil feeds at dusk! We're back with friend and magician Michael Moore to talk about the atmosphere, service, and food at Texas Roadhouse Willie's Corner, the suspicious absence of floor peanuts, hoedowns, and taxidermy galore Some concerning verbiage from the service team has the Michaels speculating the presence of an otherworldly, Lovecraftian being skulking about the area in this week's What's Going On Over There? A three-part audiodrama addressing said monster Maxwell gives his thoughts on the Texas Roadhouse Kids Menu in the return of Munchkin Menu Musings! Are the rolls at Texas Roadhouse the new best restaurant table bread? Petunia leaves JUB a voicemail   Music by: James McEnelly (@Ramshackle_Music) Theme Song by: Kyle Schieffer (@JazzyJellyfish) Segment Transitions Voiced by: Sandy Rose "Fine" Dining is on Patreon! Get an extra episode every month (dropping New Years Eve: the Kentucky Fried Chicken episode), extended Yelp from Strangers segments every other week, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, and more! Patreon Producers: Sean Spademan, Joyce Van, & Sue Ornelas   Get the 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send in your Texas Roadhouse stories at [e-mail].   Follow the show on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast   Let me know where I should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, PodcastAddict, Overcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I read every one!   Next week on "Fine" Dining: Buca di Beppo (Eat Deets)! My friend and comedian Mike Perkins joins me in Pasadena, California to try out Buca di Beppo. It's Eat Deets time, so we learn the history, read Yelp reviews, and prepare to put our Italian heritage to the test. Ever work at Buca di Beppo? Send your stories to [e-mail].   Totally Not Sponsored by: Harrison Augustine 💸 Arrylius XIV

From this point forward, the word cheese will be bleeped because Michael finds it offensive. Hello and welcome back to the Find Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I am back with part two of the Texas Road House episode. We covered the history and the Yelp reviews last week. And now it's time for our review. This is the show where I'm looking for the perfect

five point double zero restaurant dining experience time for our review. This is the show where I'm looking for the perfect 5.00 restaurant dining experience out of 10 because in order to know objectively what's good and what's bad, you need to know that perfectly middle spot where it turns over from good to bad. Where's that bar? So I'm trying to help you find it. This week I am joined by not the director, not the documentarian, Michael Moore. Hey, Mikey. Hey, how's it going? It's going well. How you doing? You've been waiting a week. I know. I have been on the edge of my seat. You've had Texas Roadhouse incubating inside your body. That is a good way to put it. It has been, it's been just sitting there. It's been with you. Yeah, it's the gift that keeps on giving. And I know that we had talked about

that our ratings were specifically the experience of eating it, but boy, man, like the boy man, the longer that it sits in me, the lower my rating gets without spoiling anything. So again, I don't want to spoil anything for our dear viewer, not like my intestines, I've been spoiled by that meal naturally. But yeah, it's been pretty intense. Great. Now, to let everyone know the criteria that we use to review the restaurant, we're gonna break it down into three categories. We're gonna talk about its atmosphere, its service, and its food.

Yeah, you get it. Find dining party of two. We're gonna jump on in. Our table is finally ready. It's time for Texas Roadhouse. Yeehaw. Snit, knack, cowboy hat, good luck hat Autograph guitar, some crap from your city Behold the trust me of mediocrity I'm dining Fine dining

Fine dining Two letters on the sign are shining You know I'm flickering irregular timing Identify the perfect by How the ten Fine dining Fine dining I'm dining. I'm dining. Atmospheric.

So this place was just wooden beams and corrugated aluminum ceiling. Like, it was very much a Texan roadhouse. They kind of nailed what they were going for. You think it was very accurate to your culture and I don't like that phrasing, but yeah. I mean, it just felt reminiscent of certain places that I've been to in Texas for sure, which basically is almost a code word of saying

it looked hastily made. Yes, I also really like the dead animals everywhere that were taxidermied by armadillos. There was a turkey right above our table. Are turkeys hairy? I don't what this one was. That one has a hairy turkey. And then fish and everything, they're all made by, you know,

Norman baits. Those are all fake fish for sure Yeah, just all from Norman baits and his hotel and how many references do you want to make you've made learns of Arabia You're making psycho the the episode is three diners mystery diners the third of the three cinematic masterpiece is that you brought up Yeah, there were a lot of cacti everywhere. Yes, there were like root 66 murals and stuff like that. We missed the Willie Nelson corner or whatever. Yeah, I would have maybe rated this higher if I had known that there was a Willie room or Willie corner.

Is that what it's called? Yeah, Willie's corner. Okay. Now, I needed to go to the restroom and it was funny because you said, oh, Make sure to tell me how the bathroom is. Yeah, so I'll tell you Out of public restrooms at these kind of restaurants smell very nice smell very nice smell like you know strawberries Because like I heard people and stalls that were you know fighting, fighting. It's struggling. Yeah.

And still like, this is nice. Now, I don't know the outback in Burbank is a foul room. I don't go in there. I've found it to be haunted by, you know, the meat by meals of the past. Yeah, of Christmas past. And also the Barnes and Noble in Burbank is also pretty random. So, yeah. Yeah, I mean, this And also the Barnes and Noble in Burbank is also pretty random.

Marley. Yeah. I mean, this isn't a bathroom review show. So we don't need to like, list all the bathrooms that you know well. But. Well, that's the thing. Just say this one was clean, smelled like strawberries. People were struggling and move on. Well, yeah, just because like these places is very rare. Paper towels now or did they have the like blow dryer thing paper towel All right, they were tell yeah, it's very nice. It was a nice bathroom experience. I'm happy for you Yeah, but as far as ambiance like those were the the take-aways the heavy hitters. There was a jackalope I always appreciate seeing a jackalope a horned rabbit not a real animal. You can only get it via taxidermy Yeah, but they bring joy to my heart.

Notably no floor peanuts obviously in the post-COVID world. Something I actively chose to wear, closed-toed shoes over like slides because I don't respect myself and I'll wear sandals to a to a night out on a Saturday. Oh, and the tables or menus weren't sticky. No sticky menus is such a huge thing for me. Yes. And it's hard. And even more credit to them because these were table menus. These were not ones that you give to your server after you order. They got a little tux spot that you got a little horseshoe basically. Yeah. That you stick it back into when you're done ordering. So they stay at the table for long periods of

time. So either was or laminated. We've gotten very lucky or they actively spend, expend effort to wipe them down every day or a few days or whatever. Yeah. I can appreciate that. I do wanna talk about the birthdays. There were a lot of birthdays. There were a lot of birthdays, but the first birthday was the one that stood out to me the most because one, we get to see the, I guess we'll call it the ritual. Where they don't even sing happy birthday.

They just kind of have a bunch of servers circle the birthday person and just wave around a bunch of bandanas, say happy birthday and then you know, he and the very first one, there was a family who didn't look like English was their first language. And I assume that their child is the one who's birthday. It was because there was a grown man who at first I thought worked for Texas Roadhouse. I think it's the kid's dad, but he definitely was wearing the same colors as Texas Roadhouse people, but upon further inspection there was no like no name tag or nothing like labeling him. Yes. Texas Roadhouse. Dude, I was at Target this morning and I'm wearing a red.

I'm wearing a red shirt. How many questions did you get? Like two people came up to me and said, Hey, why is the finger paste? You never wear red in a target. That's a rookie mistake. And khaki shorts. And the dad was like holding up his kid almost Simba style from the Lion King. And the kid looked scared. Like he did not like the attention. And it was just one of those like, he just looked very nervous. Right.

And I don't think that the birthday attention made it worse or better, but he definitely was in distress through the duration of this birthday thing. And that's the funniest way to receive birthday wishes is sad and a little bit nervous. Yeah. On the edge of your seat. Yes. On the edge of your dad. I guess I'll give this a thumb rating. I'm going no thumbs. This wasn't offensively bad. This wasn't good. Yeah. This was just the atmosphere of a Texas roadhouse. Just is yeah

I'll give it half a thumb. Yeah, that's not how this works. You give you give two thumbs down one thumb down No thumbs one upper two up. That's the that's the rules Mikey. All right, then fine no thumbs no thumbs Yeah, all the dead animals was really unpleasant Yeah, all the dead animals was really unpleasant. Look at that. You know, just a big giant cow head staring at me. Yeah. All right, well, we've got no thumbs for Texas Roadhouse's atmosphere. Let's go into service.

Serious. So the first thing I want to talk about with the service, all of their shirts say, I heart my job. Oh, did they? I didn't even notice that. When that's a required part of your uniform, man, there's just no way it can be true because you took away their autonomy

to admit that on their own. Yeah, it's like that scene in office space where Jennifer and since like the flair, yeah, yeah, yeah, like I'm not saying none of them love their job, but just you can't have everyone wearing a thing That says I heart my job because now I don't believe you Yeah, you've lost your cred if you have to put it on the uniform. Yeah, that you love it. There's a good chance You don't yeah

All right, all right, see you later. Thanks for coming out of our guest That's all right. Let's all play about that. All right. See you later. Take for coming out of the darkness. Our server was great. Yeah, she was wonderful. The life full.

Very pleasant. Southern hospitality was the vibe. Yes. Very sweet girl named Brittany. Attentive. Came back often, kept trying to hook us up with more bread and we're like, we're good. Yeah. But better than the opposite of someone who's stealing

your bread from you on our table. Hey, can I have one? Can you imagine? Please, I don't like this job. I know my shirt says I love it. They don't feed me. They don't give me any bread. Can I just smell so good?

Yeah. But I got like kindergarten teacher vibes from her, just like the way she spoke to us. But no condescension, it wasn't like correct. It wasn't that like you're being talked down to but just like nice friendly. Yeah, bubbly If my service was just based on her it's probably too thumbs up. Yeah, I'd say so but there are some other there's some other factors. Yeah things that are I Guess concerning Right some other factors. Yeah. Things that are, I guess, concerning. Right? Yeah. Like, I felt taken care of by her, but listening to the other servers, I'm like, wait, should I be worried? Yes. So there were other waiters who were, you know, you know, you know,

zone. Yeah. That we're checking out all their folks and like saying typically you're like, oh, have a good night. Well, these folks were very forceful and saying, take care and get home safe. And it was like, they took a beat. Yeah. It wasn't just like, oh, get home safe. It was like, let me grab you by both arms. So you understand the gravity of the situation. Yeah. stare into your face and go, you get home safe now. Yeah, it was, but it was every table. It wasn't like one thing. Yeah. It was just, please, get home safe.

And it just made me wonder, one thing, Michael. It made me wonder, what's going on over there? What's going on over there? What's going on over there? Should I wear a shirt or a game? What is going on over there? I think there's a monster in Realtto. I think there's a monster. Just like a big love crafty and beast. Yes. Takes up the skyline lives behind the mountain.

Yeah, that's why the K-Mart had to close down the street. The monster became so much venusense. But yeah, like, I love the idea of A. I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of to close down the street. The monster became so much of a nuisance. But yeah, like... I love the idea of a huge beast. It's just a nuisance. Yeah.

It's just a mild annoyance. Yeah, it's like... Don't go outside after sundown. You never know what's watching you out in the dark. Yeah, that's why they gave us a bag for bread. Something crinkly to shake and like throw off to the side like the flare and Jurassic Park. Exactly.

And that's also probably the peanuts every why they're only visible on the way out. Yes. And why they're in the bags now. I think at every other Texas Roadhouse in the country, they still have the loose peanuts, but here specifically Realtto. They're bagged because you have to shake it.

At the Realtto Wrangler, is they call it? Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, they give you a crucifix at each table. They actually lead you through a very specific prayer. It's in Latin. Yeah. Somebody has to escort you to your car, you know, with like a

torch and a spear and a trident. That's literally flaming. Yes. Yeah. I think that's I think there's a monster in real. I think we figured it out. That is in fact what's going on over there? Can we talk about the rodeo like all the dance?

Yeah. So the line dancing. So the birthdays were pretty boisterous. But as we had what five six seven of them go off. There's the course of real. Where do you celebrate your birthday? Yeah. We're also either in the Kmart parking lot or here since crack and burles close. And then there's like probably like 10 seconds where the music just changes to like aggressive like blink 182 and then fades back down into stadium rock somehow gets louder. It somehow gets louder at the loudest restaurant in this country.

Yes. And then they all line up and start doing a little hoe down and line dancing. Oh, and I want to comment that that swell in the music is not for them to dance to. It is to summon them. Yes, it's a summoning bell. It's like, all right. You have 10 seconds to get into position. You get into position.

Yeah. Give them the waters. Put down the drinks. How stressed do you think they are? Is this what wards off the monster of real toe? If they don't partake in this line dance, it gets closer. Yeah. That's the ritual.

That's part of the rich That's the ritual. You know, I mean while we're all praying in Latin Yeah, just imagine like real culty vibe imagine the poor waiters, you know, they're in the middle of taking somebody's order And then they hear them music and they're like, oh god, the monsters are gonna get me and they have to anything Yeah, and they have to leave, you know, I'm sorry. I have to go dance. I can't with this steak. I can't do it. Oh, yeah, that was pretty dreadful. I mean, it's getting dark. Let's just get out of here for that dancing starts again. Excuse me. Yeah, can we get our check, please? Yeah, for sure Is it just me or do they look like frightened? It's a vulnerable thing, dancing in public.

No, but like beyond that, there's something deeper. They seem nervous. 3, 4, 5, 6, and cross. A heart march on. Here's your check-in. Your bag of rolls to go. Oh, we're good on rolls, thanks, though. Hey, why does everyone look scared in that line dance?

It keeps him away. Now, come on. Just take the rolls. Him? Hey, who keeps the sun away? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha If you feel unsafe and stop asking questions, I heart my job. I heart your job, too. I don't mind him. Don't make jokes. Don't eat the rolls. They're not for eating. Got it. You know if I eat more of these I'll become he who blocks the Sun. That's not his name I heart my job. My job hearts me. That is a job hearts me. Amen That's me. Hey, tell what that is.

Ah, job hearts me. Amen. Jedis! Time will six, six, six, eight you! I've said too much already. Now get out. The fuck? Y'all get home safe?

So I want to talk about Caleb. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, I think there was just a weird mix-up where a guy briefly forgot that he hadn't been serving us the entire meal. Yes, because this guy with just like rock star wet hair, thin mustache, long jet black hair. And he just like, it's been great serving you, have a nice night. Yeah, and I thought maybe he was just like a manager

because there are a lot of places like where an assist manager will come up, you know, hey, it was everything good. I mean, he had been that, but he does not look the part of a manager. But in the very way that like they were aggressive of like get home safe. Yeah. I felt like he was aggressively nice and he told us that he would be back on Saturday as well.

That's right. He was like, oh, and I'll be here next Saturday as well. Yeah. Because again, like, there's nothing here. There's the cracker bell in here. So like, you know, of course, we're going to be back here next Saturday. We assumed that. Yeah. Because you're going to go back to Cracker Barrel on Sunday after church. Of course. That's the given. That Cracker Barrel may not even be open on Saturday. Yeah. Just Sundays. Anyways, Caleb just really, it rubbed me the wrong way and it shouldn't have. Yeah. But it just felt like how dare you not remember that we weren't the ones you were talking to. And you know, it's amazing is that they actually had a pretty cool system where at the end of each table they had like a receipt saying like how many folks in the party and who's serving. Yeah, yes.

So like he had all the reminders in the world. It's like for us, Gump, needing the signs to say stop in the end zone. Yes. Yeah. Just Caleb. Come on, dude.

Back to the line dance slash ritual. Yeah. So it's kind of like those restaurants in New York that have like Broadway performers. Yeah, like the Starlight diner or something, except just the red neck version of that. It's the same thing with less teeth. Yes. Well, my favorite part was the guy that clearly did not know the dance moves who was Staring at the girl next to him his co-worker for guidance Yes, and it was one second or one beat behind on every move because he had to learn it one beat

Yes, like as they were doing and he's like okay, I empathize with that guy because you know I've been to a few weddings where everybody knows the dance of the song And I don't the lyrics of the song is the dance moves. That's what we've devolved into. And I can't figure it out. So I still have to like look around and like, Oh, okay, let's be going to the left. I don't know if this was a good thing that it added to the atmosphere.

It wasn't a bad thing. It was just loud. I just feel sad when employees are like, I have to do. And like, of course, they're trying to offset us feeling sad on their behalf by forcing them to say, I heart my job on their shirt. Well, most of them look very happy to be dancing, maybe because they were relieved that the monster

wasn't gonna get them after their shift, except that guy, he was new. He was probably killed in the parking lot. He was probably eaten. Hours later, yeah, as we were leaving. What the hell is that guy doing out there? What's he doing? Oh no, no, no, he shouldn't be out there. Excuse us, trying to leave.

Are you crazy? Don't go out there? No, come on, come on, don't open it. If you let us out, there's more room for you. You can't go out there. The roadhouse on, don't open it. If you let us out, there's more room for you. You can't go out there! The roadhouse devil, feet are dusk. Is that he who keeps the sun away? He has many names.

All of them. Terrible. Okay, well, is one of them, he who makes me late for my post dinner plans? Ha ha ha! Probably you're gonna laugh with me. You may laugh now, but not for much longer. Let us the fuck out. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Can I pull this mop out from the door handles? Don't touch it.

Don't let him inside. Please, please. Why, itchets, they're in there. I just went out and took some calls because It's just a house, you know bullshit Are we really just gonna let him die out there? No, also he won't but I'm opening the door You're dead. Thank you so much! Thank you! You just sent us to death!

Sweetie! Honey, I've got your thumbs. Thank God! It's gonna be okay. My little thumb queen, my little thumb dumpster! I'm back! I'm so glad you're back! Would you look at that?

We reunited a family. We're heroes. You two get out of here now. You're no longer welcome in this roadhouse. All right, well, that was something. Devil, dumb. The last thing I want to talk about the busing situation, I felt buried under used plates at one point to where almost like a child pushing away a dish he doesn't like, I just started shoving dishes to the end of the table, right, and it felt endless.

And it wasn't like we had one waiter who wasn't ours. So kudos to him for stopping and taking something. Mm-hmm. Just looked at his like, oh, let me get these out of your way. Grab a dish with each hand. And I'm like, bro, there's so much more. So then I'm pushing more. Because like, genuinely, I felt like I was emerging from beneath a pile.

I felt so buried upon. Now just so you're prepared, when you go to Cracker Barrel, it's the same thing like each piece of bread has its own plate. And you know, that is part of it. They definitely plate stuff like way too, like honestly, the amount of plates on our table was in fact way too much. This is way too much. This is way too much.

Like the sides to my entree, corn and mashed potatoes, and my entree came on a plate. You could have put a scoop mashed potato and a scoop corn on that plate with it. One plate, you get the entree and you get the sides. But no, I got a plate for my entree. I got a plate for my sides and then on the plate, both of them had a bowl. So I had four plus my bread plate.

I disagree because they probably looked at your entree and took pity on you of like, oh God, it's gonna mess up the potatoes. Let's not let anything touch that. Yeah, so it was actually an act of kindness. But they did that. I don't know. I mean, just being buried under all these used plates and stuff, it grosses me out and it is just in fact way too much. So yeah, I liked our server a lot. All the other elements of it only pulled things

down, but it's still enough to salvage. I would say a steady one thumb up. Yeah, I'd give it one thumb up as well. Yeah. Just like again, like our waitress was wonderful, but there were just too many weird elements. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, all right. Let's start talking about the food. Let's get to that in just a sec. Hi! Munchkin menu musings. Hi, my name is Maxwell, and I'm eight. Well, and I'm eights, and I'll be revealing the Texas Roadhouse menu. The first thing I did was like, there were like two colors, and there was a A, B, and C answer.

I had to connect them to it, and I had to figure out the answers for what those colors made. The next thing I did, I drawed a nice little picture with colors and it's really beautiful. And there was like a half picture and I had had to film the rest that was also really fun. And the last thing I did was like there were these ummm just random stuff that is in the world. And I had to like figure out where they went on. There's like these little boxes. You can go down and across and I also did that. I give it a 10 out of 10. This has been Maxwell for munchkin menu musings. Thank you. menu musings. Thank you. Food. Yum yummy. I'm gonna come out the gate and say it. I think Texas Roadhouse has the best bread in the game now. It may be my memory of macaroni grill

back in my childhood. That was the best bread. Modern macaroni grill. Not as good. They've changed up the recipe. but Texas Roadhouse rolls, they are legit. Yeah, they just like don't get enough thing of lard and they honestly didn't feel too, they didn't feel overrebutteried to me. I've been to places where the amount of oil and grease and like the texture of my face feels different

after eating it. Sure, just soaks into the bread and it's just nasty. I didn't get that here. Yeah, it's pretty delicious. And then I was basically declaring my roles with butter. Yeah. Because it comes with like the cinnamon honey butter. Yes.

And I'm literally stabbing my roles through the middle and then buttering the insides and then eating them that way. Yes, which the way you're doing that made me very uncomfortable. Great. I mean, I could tell that you were really enjoying it because it was almost erotic, which the way you're doing that made me very uncomfortable. Great. I mean, I could tell that you were really enjoying it because it was almost erotic, the way that you were

applying that butter. But not quite. Correct. I'm gonna go 10 out of 10 on these rolls. I don't give a lot of 10 out of 10s on this show. These rolls, I think they earned it. Yeah, I mean, that's why they were giving extra rolls. I mean, partly because of the monster.

But then the other half was because, hey, we know. We know they're good. We know these are good. We know you're gonna want some more. Yeah, yeah. And also thought the honey cinnamon butter was not needed to make it better. I agree.

So yeah, I'll give the rolls a hot 10 as well. A hot 10. A hot 10. All right. Well, it's all downhill from here. Fuck. Alright, well, it's all downhill from here. F***! Hahaha! Okay, where did I park? It's not that big of a lot, push the panic button.

But that would be admitting that I'm panic. Duh! Did you hear something? Well, they spooked me out in there That's a good card over there I'm over here. I wish I was gonna far away from me. I ran. Sorry. It's getting dark. All right. Well, where are they? Michael, I see it. It's right there. It's right there. Oh Throw it at goddamn roll!

What are you waiting for? Throw the fucking roll! The man is just butter in the back! I think I ate all the rolls! How? It was like eight of them! I ate what I get nervous! Then throw the fucking butter! But it's hotty butter throw it

Shit Michael do the line dance I don't know the mood. I truly don't think that matters. No one knows them. I'll do it too. It's working. Michael is retreating. Keep dancing. My job! My job is dancing. Dancing hearts me. My job! My job is dancing, dancing hurts me. I hurt my job, my job is dancing, dancing hurts me. I hurt my job, my job is dancing, dancing hurts me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh The hell it's head just imploded! My... my... my dance moves... Killed something! Whew, that's depressing! Are you eating butter right now?

I'm tired! I'm depressed and I'm hungry! You know... All that dancing made me hungry too! Ugh... Well... There's a... Texas Roadhouse right there.

Huh. Texas Roadhouse. Wonder what it's like in there. Let's see, I've heard the rolls are good. One second. Forgot my thumbs. I forgot my tubs. All right, the cactus blossom, aka the less good blooming onion. It was better than the knockoff one that I had at the LA County Fair, but there was one at the County Fair.

It's pretty good. There's everything at the County Fair. Sure. And I'll just say the first bite, you know, it has what they call cactus sauce or whatever, like a yellow, kind of like a remalade type sauce, but not quite a little bit different. It just diminishing returns, I guess,

is the best way to describe this. My first bite, I was like, okay, this is viable. And then just as I kept going, I was like, okay, this is viable. And then just as I kept going, I was like, outback does it better because they have the 17 seasonings and spices. So like every time you take a bite of that bloom, you're getting maybe a little different flavor profile whereas this, it was kind of basic.

So I liked the cactus blossom, but it is far inferior to the bloom in onion. Now I give a bloom in onion to 10 out of 10. I thought this was like, you know, it's a little bit lighter. I didn't feel as weighed down as I normally do post bloom. Seven out of 10 for me. Okay. For me, I mean, I'm not a bloom in boy like you are.

I don't care about it. So, you know, even this one, I would probably even give it the same rating as the Outback one. I'll just give it a five. Just so you'd know, dear listener, the host is just staring at me. Very intensely. I thought we had solidarity on this. I genuinely, I look at you and just your vibe is, I like a Bloomin' Onion. Look, I know I look like a guy who likes Bloomin' Onion. You look like not only do you like Bloomin' Onion,

you look like you would wear merch about a Bloomin' Onion. Yeah, five? I mean, you're literally wearing a bow jangle shirt, so. I am. Yes. You're red shirt a bow jingles shirt. I am. Yes. You're red shirt that people thought made you a target employee. Wasn't fact I'm a bow jingles employee.

Yeah, like who, who and target wears a big shirt that says it's bow time on it? You apparently. We also got fried pickles, which they were fine. I wrote not transcendent pickles, which basically is my way of saying, I wrote not transcendent pickles, which basically is my way of saying, I don't like pickles and these weren't good enough

to make me forget that I don't like pickles. I have had fried pickles that were good enough to make me feel that way. Yes. As is, I go five and a half out of 10 on these. Yeah, I'll go 5.17. Love it. And then I got two sides with my entree. So we'll talk sides first. I got mashed potatoes and I got buttered corn. The corn was corn.

Five out of 10. The mashed potatoes, they tasted like best case KFC potatoes. Six out of 10. six out of 10. Okay. No garlic, nothing that you like to really add to a mashed potato. It was just kind of a, this tastes like a non-authentic potato that tastes good. Yes. I guess.

I got house salad. Just pretty yummy. I'll give that like a seven and a half. It's good. And then I also got sh**s fries because I was like, you know, if I'm doing that- Got a balance out that salad. Yeah. If I'm doing the Texas Road fries, because I was like, you know, if I'm doing that- Gotta balance out that salad. Yeah, but I'm doing the Texas Roadhouse experience. I'm going all out.

But yeah, I mean, it is hard to screw up sh**s fries. Like as long as the fry is fine, dunking it in sh**s. By the way, I just wanna point out to listeners, the reason that the word he's saying is bleeped is because I don't like that ingredient. Okay, I do not tolerate. Chicks.

It's not good, it's gooey, it's gross, it's yellow, it just, or white and like goo, it's just everything about it offends my senses. So we do not allow that word to be spoken, but it can be bleaked. Yes, the chicks was incredibly sh**y. Just the, you know, when I was eating the sh** I just thought, oh, this is very sh**y sh**.

So I, you know, it was fine, you know, seven out of 10. Not like the sh** fries at Outback, the sh** fries, and Outback are insane. Yeah, they are wild. And then I actually had one fry that didn't have sh** on it that was like tucked away under my entree and I ate it and it was a gift.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go seven out of 10 on the one fry that I had. Yeah, it was a tasty fry. Hey, there's a few things better in life than the surprise fry. All right, so my entree. Oh God. We'll save it for last. I haven't said what it is yet, but I got to taste a lot of things because we had a party of five here. Yes. My girlfriend got the prime rib. My buddy Herbert was there. I didn't try his thing.

He got the like steak skewers, steak kebab or whatever. His girlfriend got the country fried chicken. You got the rib eye. Yes. And I got the country fried sirloin. Yeah, so I had a weird experience with the ribeye because it was a little dry, and you know, I was eating like, yeah, this is fine. And then I tried a bite of the prime rib, and it had this very strange aftertaste to it. I just, ugh, like this is not.

This is not. Yeah, the prime rib. So I literally wrote down, the prime rib had a slight baloney taste to it. Yes, yeah, it tastes like baloney. But not awful. I mean, baloney's not terrible. Just conceptually it's upsetting.

Yeah, but like prime rib is like one of the premier types of notes. It was a six out of 10 Prime Rib. Like, this was not good. Well, here's what happened is that, that aftertaste followed when I went back to the rib eye. So it's almost like the Prime Rib was like, hey, he's actually kind of enjoying the other steak.

Let me join. And I don't think, let me get in on this. I mean, I don't know if the baloney was so pungent that it just stuck to my tongue as I was finishing my meal. Bloney. But like the chicken fries didn't taste like baloney. I mean, thank God they didn't taste like baloney.

But you know, it was like- They affected your steak. Yeah, it was like half of the steak was fine. And then half the steak tastes like baloney. So give me a rating pre-primer it. Pre-baloney, I would give it like a six. Yeah. And then with balloony, I don't know, like four and a half.

Four and a half? Yeah, so I guess the average is like five and a quarter. Yeah. I tasted your rib eye just a small little square and I just went, that's exactly how I expected it to taste. Yes. It was that quality of ribeye where I was just like, this is middling AF five and a half out of 10 and not surprising at all. Oh, and another nice detail is that it just looked like the way that they played it,

that the steak fell off the plate and then they pictured off off the ground and threw it back up. Yeah, yeah. It literally just looked like someone was like, yeah, I guess that goes there. Yeah. It was just like a little brown splotch of juice. Yes. But no effort into plating. And it was also a very unsexy plate. It was like a, like a camp cafeteria plate. It was almost like, you know, like a mime or a clown was trying to deliver the plate. Just whoa.

Just flipping it slide in on it. You know, balancing everything on a cycle. Yes. Yeah. So the country fried chicken that my friend Amanda got. I thought was the best of the meats that I tried. Okay. For those of you who don't know country fried chicken, it's basically a big like chicken cutlet,

fried skin on it, slathered in gravy, and it's a very Southern thing. Yes. And I thought it was the best of the things we had, still only capping at a six and a half out of 10. So the Entree game for Texas Roadhouse is not strong. still only capping at a six and a half out of ten. So the Entree game for Texas Roadhouse is not strong. Now what I got was the country-fried sirloin,

which is almost an identical dish, but swap out the chicken inside for a steak. So you've got like chicken skin-ed over sirloin steak slathered and gravy. Yes. It looks upsetting. I guess I'm trying to find a good one of these. Honestly, I took notes about your on track because I tried it and I'll let you have the glory of like, shitting on it. You know, but yeah, I took notes about your on track. So I'll let you go first. Okay. So first of like, shitting on it. You know? But yeah, I took notes about your entrée. So I'll let you go first. Okay, so first of all, my first bite,

I kind of just went, oh damn it. Like that was my first thought. I was like, did I piss someone off? I wanted to know that question. Then my second thought was, is this just a bad dish? Like, just conceptually, is chicken fried steak a bad?

No, it's not. It can be good, because I've had it twice on this podcast. Once at Danny. Well, there you go. And once here. And let me tell you, chicken fried steak in my experience is not a good dish that said this was astronomically better than Denny's really

3.5 Really I thought that yours was near in Edible like the steak right so which is astronomically better Yeah, like then Denny's which I gave a three out of 10, too, but that was kind of at the start of this podcast. I had not calibrated my scale yet. Okay, so that is not a true three out of 10. You're very compassionate. Yeah, I was like, oh, but they tried so hard.

Yeah, not like the gravy on it looked like vomit and was like somebody accidentally threw up on it. Well, it didn't look like vomit. It looked like the pile of sawdust that you throw on the vomit to like destink it at a middle school when you're like in the library and you can't hold it because you had milk for lunch or you ate country-fied steak for lunch. Which as a Texan was a viable option for me, but I never had country fried steak or chicken fried steak growing up. So in leaving the South, I guess now I'm like, okay, I'm going to restaurants that do have this dish and I want it good.

I just don't know where to go to get that cracker barrel. Well, that'll be another episode sometime. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, next time you want to go see theialto monster, you know, go to crack. Wave high and go to crack. So what were your notes? Yeah, like the state looked like it was wet. It really like I remember there was a part where the skin of my the breading was off.

Yeah. And I was just like, that looks wet, right? I literally like nudged you. I was like, look at that. Just chunk of state. That looks so wet. Yeah, like I literally like nudge jose like look at that just chunk of state that looks so wet. Yeah, like it was gray and just nasty and you know gray my least favorite state color. Yeah.

And how did you order your state to be cooked? They didn't ask. Okay. Just like all right. This is what you get. Yeah. This guy's an idiot. So we're going to cook it however we want.

We're going to take liberties that a Texas road has. Yeah. So like I took a bite out of it, I thought it was horrible. Yeah. Like I would rate it like a two. Yeah. It wasn't shaky's pizza bad. Right.

Like that's now that I've calibrated my scale. I know what the bottom end is. Yeah. Yeah. And like I've talked to so many native Californians that had like their birthday party at Shaky's I don't understand that. Yeah, Shaky's is just not a good I mean if you're a kid and you don't have a palette yet Sure sure go do it, but as an adult, no, thank you. So let's go into dessert now Okay, I was like this experience might be parabolic.

Starts high, dips low, goes high again. Right. I don't think that's what happened. Well, I had the big ol' brownie. Yes, let's talk about the title of your, they don't allow you to have dignity. You eat 93 rolls. You eat, you eat.

That's your facts, guys. Wet and throwloy. Yeah. And then they're like, would you like dessert? I'll have the brownie. Sorry, we don't have just the brownie and you know, I'll have the big old brownie. Like we know your piece of shit.

Like just admit it. Eat it. Eat the ol' brownie. Like we know your piece of shit, like just admit it. Yeah, eat it, eat the big ol' brownie. Yeah, and like, yeah, it tastes like a big ol' brownie with some ice cream. I, that's thing, I'm a sucker for those. So like, I would love a brownie. Yeah, and I thought, I guess I had lower expectations given the meal.

Right. This did overperform the expectation, but it didn't sort of the heights of like great desserts that I've had elsewhere on the podcast. Oh, sure. But perfectly serviceable. Yeah, let's give it a six and a half out of 10. I'm even more generous, I went seven.

All right, I'll go seven out of 10. I know what, I'll do seven and a half. I'll give it a perfect 10. I'm going 11. No, seven out of 10, I feel like safely, like it had like a stickiness to it that actually was good. It was like a good texture. Like a gooey, yeah.

But like, it wasn't melty inside. It was just kind of break apartness to it, I guess. Yes. I don't know, really hard to describe, but I did really like it. And then Granny's Apple Classic was the other dessert. And this is just a slice of apple pie. I'm not trying to be gross, but like,

mucusy is kind of the best description for the filling. Yeah. And again, like the slices of apple are the peanut shells. I swear, like peanut shells are a key ingredient of the establishment. That's why our food is so clean. They're just shoving it into food. Yeah, that's what they fried, you're steakin'.

Yeah, yeah. That's what they filled the apple pie with. I only went five and a half and I love apple pies. So the fact that this is only going five and a half on such a food that has like a starting point of like a seven and it loses traction from there. Yeah, disappointing. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not a pie boy again. I know I look like a blooming onion dude. I know I look like a pie guy. And I, you know, so I would give for me personally, four and a half. That's just on my pure enjoyment, not like comparing, oh, this apple pie compared to this slice of apple pie. Yeah.

I think when you put all of it together, I'm back at zero thumbs on the thumb rating for the food. I thought overall, most of my ratings were in that four to six mediocre range. Here's the thing, I was gonna rate the food like a little higher than I was, but like basically you could lower all of these ratings that I've given

like a point and a half lower because when I got home later that night, that doesn't factor, that's not a, oh, but that's not evaluating the food, but I do understand it just changing your perspective on life a little bit. It kept me awake. It stayed with you. Yeah.

Well, not for long. You didn't stay with me. When you go to a Texas Roadhouse, you will be reminded that you went to a Texas Roadhouse a little bit later when you get home. I mean, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the I mean, the, the, the, the cheesy, cheesy, cheesy fries. Very good. Brownie was good. Sal was good.

Really, the, the outlier was the steak, particularly like the nasty thing. So yeah. All right, screw it. I'll give it a thumbs up. You're just, what the, you were not talking like, but again, someone who was about to give it a thumbs up. You were

Rating Okay, so we drove all the way out to Texas Roadhouse. We drove back with your apologies and burps, filling the backseat of my car. Yes. And we've now experienced the atmosphere, the service, and the food. Where does this fall? It's got to go up on the Chachki of mediocrity along with the peanuts. Yes, I mean, it was just weird. Like there weren't peanut trash everywhere.

The hour-long wait turned to five minutes. Less than five minutes. Less than five minutes. There were ho dances. Or ho dances. And ho dances. Yeah, ho-downs. There was a Willie Nelson corner allegedly.

Yeah, that invisible. And there's a monster creeping outside. Yeah, and concern. And then there's Caleb. Yeah, Caleb, your hair's too wet. Yeah, dry your hair off. You look like Rocky in the last round. You know, I don't even know, Belle.

Yeah. And there's just a lot of weird factors. And then the food just like, I mean, nothing to be like, well, I want to do that again. Yeah. But particularly for the worse, but honestly, like, I'm trying to be objective and say that like of what my meal was, but yours was so appalling. The stink, stank my food, you know?

So you also had Bologna Prime Rib. Yeah, Bologna Prime Rib that then turned my steak into Bologna. So if you're putting a number on this place between zero and 10. Oh, God. Well, it might just be this location, and maybe I should have gotten the catfish. I don't know. Um, but I would give it like 5.43. Okay.

5. I'm a little bit higher than you despite my, my, my, my, a physical country fried sirloin. Honestly, something about even though I only went zero thumbs on the atmosphere, something about like even just the font of the place and the color scheme. Yeah, it got me hyped and our server was great. As an individual, I really liked her. The bread is carrying a full point of this number. Yeah, 5.71. Okay, 5.71 and that means when we put our scores together, Texas Roadhouse goes up on the Chachki of mediocrity at a 5.57. 1.100th of a point worse than Red Lobster. And that feels honestly

like an apt comparison. This was amazing bread. Yeah, this was a I don't like that. I don't like that. But I mean, a place known for their roles and a place that shouldn't be serving seafood. So Texas Roadhouse 5.57 right in the zone of mediocrity. It is a very mediocre restaurant. But it is of mediocrity. It is a very mediocre restaurant, but it is not quite perfectly mediocre. It is technically better than mediocre. Well, Michael, we didn't find the perfect 5.00 out of 10. The search needs to keep going.

I need to know where I'm going to go next time. And to do that, you and I need to play a little game to see who gets to pick where I go. Are you ready to play a game? Yeah. Alright, we're going to play the headline game. The rules of the headline game are as follows. Michael will present three headlines to his co-host that include this week's restaurant. They can be made up or they can be actual headlines. If the co-host can correctly guess if at least two out of three are real or fake, they

will get to select next week's restaurant. However, if Michael stumps them, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? I'm ready. All right, first headline. Texas Roadhouse is the world's fastest growing restaurant brand. Ooh, that's interesting because like the fact you said like this has international appeal, clearly somebody likes it.

Yeah. So, but the fact that like they have what? You said 600 locations in the United States. Yep. But I don't know if it's the fastest. I think that's like... I think it's like a thing time's running out. I... Okay.

I say false final answer. Okay. Restaurant Bus Boys starts brawl inside Texas Roadhouse. Oh, that has to be true. I mean, it's so, I think that contributes to the loudness of just the lights that just, yeah. It's no waffle house, but like, right. But it'll still happen here.

True final answer. All right. I like how you're, who wants to be a millionaire Lock you in are you sure all right and lastly Texas Roadhouse debut candle inspired by its honey cinnamon butter. Oh god Okay, so I've been seeing online where there's like crispy cream candle. Yeah, yeah at oatmeal pie Honestly when I see those just Yeah, yeah, at oatmeal pie. Honestly, when I see those, just how much unhealthy

or can we get as Americans? We just have to be inhaling it on a non-eating hours. Yeah, just oatmeal pie, squizz cake rolls. I'm gonna say true final answer. All right. So first headline, Texas Roadhouse is the world's fastest growing restaurant brand. You said false, that actually is true.

Mm. Oh, really? So you are over one so far. fastest growing restaurant brand, you said false, that actually is true. Oh, really? So you are over one so far. Yeah, they are, I mean, 600 restaurants is a huge amount. Plus what was it? Like 40 international or something like that. They're growing. Restaurant bus boy starts brawl inside Texas Roadhouse. You said true.

Obviously that is also true. Again, it contributes to the sound level. Yeah. And lastly, Texas Roadhouse, debut is candle inspired by its honey cinnamon butter, you said true. Ah, that's true. You're correct. I know it.

Yeah, all three of those were true. So I knew we were disgusting enough to have one. We're so totally as a country behind the restaurant scented. Yeah, gross. I mean, not gross. I mean, I'm sure it's a great scent, but like, yeah, what are we doing? Yeah, like, let's stick to pumpkin. So you get to pick where I'm headed next. Where do you want me to review in search of perfect mediocrity? Ah, man. Well, I I had a afterwards I had a pretty miserable time. So, you know, I'm trying to think of like some good places to back you up. Uh-huh.

So I think I think it might be, uh, you haven't done book it a beppo yet. I have not done book it a beppo yet. That's it. You got you, you're gonna book that beppo. Great. I don't know what that means and yet. I think that's it. You got you, you're gonna Bukka that Beppo. Great. I don't know what that means and I don't think I want to. I don't know you. Just fun to say.

I'm always a fan of Italian and I mean, I think they're better than mediocre, but I guess they'll find out. Because like you also have to order a family style, like just big, giant trees. Is that true? Yes. Oh no. Oh yes. I'm gonna have to go with a big group so I can like try more than just one thing.

Correct. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you so much for coming on to the fine dining podcast. The search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. You said it. Do you have anything to like plug? I want to plug Terra firma.

I know that it was already plugged. Yeah. So in our Red Robin episode, you also worked on that film. Yes. Our Red Robin episode producer, John Angeli, came on, talked about his horror film. You worked in what made the capacity. Yes, I worked for the post of it. I was supposed to be more involved, but I was planning my wedding.

And that was just a lot. So that's at Terraforma Film on Instagram. You can check out their IMDB. That's correct. Trailer's online. Yeah. If you can check out their IMDB. That's correct. Trailers online. If you're a fan of independent horror, and also this is kind of the feeling that I have about this show is like we have so many creative friends, you know, with them all doing their thing.

And sometimes you have to grit your teeth and support of like, yeah, it's great, you know. And then sometimes they make something, you're like, oh, I actually like this. Yes, like this in Terra firma, like I'm wicked proud of Terra firma. I mean, especially like if you think that most movies are horrible that come out Terra firma is a nice, weird change of pace. Great. Well, thanks for coming on. Yeah.

Been fun having me. We did not find the most mediocre restaurant. The search does in fact continue. I'll see you next time have a fine day Subscribe to search continues Our journey did not conclude The mother of red and search continues Rattles and I to's review And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars? Come on! Follow us on TikTok, the same on Instagram, all the socials.

At Find Dining Podcast, we have a website. Find Dining Podcast.com, buy our T-shirts, then put them on. And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next. Okay, we're going to find it, media crafting, the search continues See you next week! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm sister's role a Derby teammate, Petunia. And I am here with a brand new announcement. Job recently broke his decades-long vow to never get a phone. And he got a phone! So I'm gonna call him and tell him all about my feelings about certain geopolitical issues

and hope he doesn't change his mind. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Oh, hi there. You have not reached Job, because if you did, I would have answered. Go ahead and leave me a message, but I'm gonna be honest. I'll probably never call you back. I'm

new to phones and lack what I'd call conversational text. Believe a message anyways, okay, bye. Hi, job. It's Vittunia. I've already told the audience what this is, but now I'm telling you. And hoping it doesn't feel resundant. You sent me straight to voicemail, so I'm gonna assume you're playing Pokemon Go! Anyways, call me! I wanted to let you know that I got your message about wanting to enact revenge on that guy, and I'm totally willing to go back to prison too! But you owe me that ring slash proposal thing we talked about! I gotta go! This couple take the hint. Okay, bye!