Fine Dining - The Cinnabon Injunction feat. Jessa Day

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

No service? No problem! The boys make a casual dining exception for Cinnabon Michael sues Garrett in Food Court (the honorable Judge Jessa Day presiding) to block him from ordering Cinnabon desserts outside of Cinnabon Nightmare Jimmy Buffett/dubstep hybrid music permeates the boys' ears as they scarf down their Cinnabon at an abandoned Margaritaville patio table A seemingly unconscious man on his truck bed has the boys wondering What's Going On Over There? JUB will help you manage your emotions We're now on Patreon! Get a monthly free episode, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, the opportunity to get your face immortalized on the Tchotchke of Mediocrity, and more!   Get our 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send us your Cinnabon stories at [e-mail].   Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast   Let us know where we should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you get your podcasts. We read every one!   Next time on Fine Dining: Planet Hollywood! If you have ever worked for Planet Hollywood and have a story to share, send it to [e-mail].

Hello, and welcome back to a very special episode of the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. And when we say fine, we mean just okay. Just it's meh. And today is the pinnacle of that, Garrett, because we have a beef to squash. We have a debate that has carried on, I mean, honestly, more behind the scenes than on the show. You called a debate. I call it the facts are just on my side anyway. Disagree. Disagree. And we're going to get to the bottom of it before the end of today. Oh, for sure. We will get to the bottom of this and we'll find out that you're wrong.

I have filed an injunction against Garrett. I am trying to prevent him from choosing Cinnabon-based dessert tie-ins with other restaurants when we go places. To get it out of his system, we're going to Cinnabon. Michael, why do you hate flavor? I love Cinnabon. That's not the issue. The issue is the eligibility. We'll get into this more. For those of you listening for the first time, this is the show in which we are going to all the chain restaurants looking for the most mediocre, the perfect 5.00 out of 10. And when we go to these places, we are trying to evaluate them based on the atmosphere, their service and their food. Last time we got remarkably close. Applebee's got a 5.02. And you gave it a perfect 5.00. I thought we found it. For my money, we had found the bar, but it is a two-man rating system. And I went 5.04. We were close. Yeah, something just didn't feel the most mediocre to you.

And that's okay. The search continues. We will keep looking. But we're trying to find you that bar, that measuring stick, that standard of mediocrity that you can use to compare against all other restaurants. And we've already started doing it. Whenever we go out to a place, immediately my knee-jerk reaction is, is this place better than Applebee's? And now I immediately know if its rating is going to fall under or over 5. It's easy. 0.00 for me. It's such a great shorthand. It feels efficient in a way that I know it's what we've set out to do. But being able to employ it, man, it feels good. And we're going to find that for all of you. It's great. That's employable, but we are not. We are not. So, because we're not employable, please support us on our Patreon. Yeah.

Please go to our website, www.finediningpodcast.com, and buy our t-shirts. You know, we've got all sorts of ways to support the show, but most importantly, just continue listening, download our stuff. But if you do want more from us, it is there. The links are in the descriptions if you want to check out our website or our Patreon. You get an exclusive episode every month and a whole host of other things. You get the full-length Yelp from Strangers segment. You get to download our songs. We've been talking way too long. Our table is in fact ready. We'll see you all after the break. It's just fine dining, fine dining. Two ledgers on the sign are shining. Nail flickering, irregular timing. Identify the perfect vibe.

How the ten? Fine dining, fine dining. First impressions. You're not going to find a standalone Cinnabon. You're not going to find just a brick-and-mortar Cinnabon. You're going to find airports. You're going to find... Balls. You're going to find... Tourist attractions.

Tourist attractions, yeah. And that's what we did. We went to Universal Studios City Walk. So basically the big shopping center outside of the Universal Studios in Hollywood, it is bumpin'. Yeah, so I like to think our first impressions start long before we even get close to the Cinnabon. Yeah, there's a part when you're driving up the hill and you just turn a corner and it's just gigantic movie posters and the Jurassic Park logo off to the side and you just feel like you're in an exciting place out of nowhere. You go into the Jurassic Parking structure. This parking garage had a lot to maneuver through. It was a giant maze.

It was a labyrinthian structure. You got stuck in a one-way. You drive up. Oh, look, everything ends here. There's not enough room to turn around. We got waved on by one of the attendants that worked there who waved us to the right and then changed her mind and waved us to the left. And then I was just, I shut down. I was just like, I don't know what I'm doing, but I guess I'm going to go with the updated one. And we drove through, went on up and we were driving forever. We drove forever, but right off the bat as we're heading towards the parking spot that we see off in the distance that we know we're going to take. I notice a thing on the left-hand side and, Garrett, can you describe what I saw?

There was a man passed out in the back of his truck. Like, on the truck bed, on the open door flap of it. Yeah, he was on the tailgate itself. That's not supposed to support the weight of a person. Probably not for an extended period of time at least. Not for an extended amount of time. But this man is just fully passed out. Just gone. And I was worried and, you know, we went, we parked, we got out of the car, we turned around because, I mean, part of me feels almost a duty to check that he has a pulse.

We turn around, we're like, is this guy alive? But you know what else we wonder, Garrett? What's going on over there? Michael, what is going on over there? Garrett, where are we going? We're going to Cinnabon. Is Cinnabon notoriously nutritious? No, no, not at all.

I think this was a surgeon general's warning. I think it was like a piece of performance art by the powers that be, warning us, hey, if you go through with this, this is your future. So this man was Cinnabon's cigarette label. Yes, exactly. He was like the Banksy art installation of a man just passed out, committing to just being in a very vulnerable state on the back of a truck. And then as soon as we were out of view and we turn around and then came back, he was already sitting up. So that's why I think it was very much staged for us. Yeah, because we didn't actually get to see him move.

It was like one of those spray painted people in Europe that go. The painted Silver Street performers that just stay still. Yeah, he must have been something like that, except he was just like painted in sugar and and drool. Sugar drool and sadness. Oh God, those three things very much describe a Cinnabon. Those things describe me every morning when I wake up. Yeah, I think we have figured it out. I think we know what's going on over there.

Once we got up the escalator and we got to see city like that walk out is majestic. Even if you've done it before, it's just this giant screen. It's brightly lit neon signs, sleek looking neon signs for all these different brands that you know some, you don't know some. Like even a Starbucks logo looks exciting under the lights of city walk. You know, a lot of it is kind of like an architectural trick. It's like a compression and release. So when we walk in, it's like forced perspective. It's like the ceiling is a little bit lower.

The quarters are a little bit tighter, but we walk into this. We see the grand open area of city walk. Frank Lloyd Wright did this in his houses all the time to like create more space visually. And there's like a giant chocolate factory. There's a voodoo donut. There's a bouquet de bepo. That's the first thing you see when you walk out. It's just like really Wonka's factory almost.

Now also on this big screen, there were like, I think it was like an Ariana Grande music video was playing. And it was like one of those music videos where it like digs into her own vault of growing up home movie videos. And I'm like the only people that get emotional about this are diehard fans who feel like we're closer to her now. But you know, it was that kind of song. And I started dancing. Garrett, I could not contain myself and I started dancing. You started filming my dancing. Of course.

I immediately felt like I pulled something. But you kept going. Like I got a hernia. And I think you thought it was a bit and I was kind of reaching out to you for help and you just kept filming. Of course. It felt like a black mirror episode where like I'm dying. I just thought you were committing to the bit. When really I was just in pain and getting no help.

What was I going to do ruin my video? Yeah, I guess the footage of me dancing and writhing is pretty solid and you can check it out on our social media. That's right. We're on Instagram at fine dining podcast. We're on tick tock at fine dining podcast and you can email us whatever you want fine dining podcast at gmail.com. We might regret that, but I don't know. Maybe we won't as we round the corner by the voodoo donuts. You see neon lit up cinnamon rolls.

And you can smell it already. You can smell it and you can see it. And it is just this sensory overload of, oh boy, I think pickup truck guy was right. I'm going to die here. But man, is it going to be a delicious death. It's like they're setting you up before you even see it. The smell is the first thing you encounter. You can just follow that smell right to the Cinnabon.

It's almost as if they intentionally do this. Yeah. I felt like a old timey cartoon character floating following my nose as an aroma sifted through like a pie on a windowsill. Yeah. We just kind of hovered on over to Cinnabon. We got in a line which was technically out the door. Technically. Because you could only fit like three people inside.

So it was like a four person line. It went quickly. Not all the lights in the neon sign lit up just like that lyric in our theme song. And reminded us, hey, this place isn't going to be all there. Because like we don't want to go to a place that is a fully lit up sign. No. Why would we do that? Why would we put ourselves through a place that respects itself?

I know. We don't respect ourselves. So why would we go to one of those places? This is our speed right here. Garrett, we're right at the door. But before we can step through that threshold, I need to know a few things about Cinnabon. Did you gather up some rusty facts this week? I did gather up some rusty facts.

And they're tasty. They're glazed. They're amazing. How about this? Instead of the little whip crack that my mom hates so much for the rusty fact round up, rounding up whips. Yeah, I mean, it's a cattle. It's a cattle thing.

You get it. Yeah. Texas. I think we should just do the sound of us appreciating food. So three, two, one. Mmm. Yeah. All right, Garrett.

Let's dive on in. The first Cinnabon opened up in Seattle, Washington in 1985 in a mall. The mall was actually called SeaTac. Mmm. The chain initially began after a failed franchise agreement with another cinnamon roll slinging mall store, TJ Cinnamon's. So what happened was the owner had a franchise agreement. But TJ Cinnamon's would not give him West Coast exclusivity.

So he's like, you know what? No, I'm going to do my own thing. Hmm. And I assume he put the other guy out of business. I don't know the role he had in it, but TJ Cinnamon's was eventually bought out by Arby's. Huh. And to this day, which also owns Buffalo Wild Wings. Yes.

Yeah. They have the meats. One of the only places you can get a TJ Cinnamon cinnamon roll is at Arby's. RIP TJ TJ Cinnamon TJ Cinnamon's, which is actually kind of funny because there was TJ Applebee's and the founders of Applebee's originally thought of the name cinnamon's, but that was taken by a strip club. Sounds like a restaurant. But yes.

Mmm. There's a spot in the mall, but no chain at this point. So it's just a one off. Yeah. So he's like, shit, what do I do? He needs a name for his business. Enter the advertising genius allegedly behind the creation of Starbucks. He was against the name Cinnabon.

B-U-N. B-U-N. Yes. He was against that because of the savory, not sweet connotations. Apparently, buns are a savory thing. I don't equate that. Yeah. But he chose the name Cinnabon, B-O-N, alluding to bonbons and decadence.

Interesting. That's not how it ever read to me growing up. It always read as a typo. Really? To the point that I always pronounced it Cinnabon and I thought people who pronounced it Cinnabon were weird until one day I noticed it was actually spelled Cinnabon and it was almost like a Mandela effect for me where I was just like, has it been Cinnabon this whole time? Because they sell buns.

Yeah. They don't sell buns. Mmm. I did more research into the Cinnabon name and the earliest print reference I can find the exact term Cinnabon is from European chemical and medical reference logs from the 1840s. Weird. Yeah. Which?

Is that in any way related to actual Cinnabon, the restaurant chain or just the word existed before? It's just the word that existed. Okay. Cinnabon was actually a different spelling of Cinnabar, which is a scarlet red-colored mercury ore. Mmm. So they've got a name.

They've got a location. They don't have a cinnamon roll yet. Mmm. So over 200. Wait. They came up with the location before they came up with the recipe? Yeah. That's put in the cart before the horse a little bit.

Exactly. They were ready to go with TJ Cinnamons. Yeah. But once all of that fell through. TJ Cinnamons provided it so they were kind of like left with the store in their hands. Mmm. Over 200 different recipes were tested in the process of honing in on the exact right recipe.

Okay. That's dedication. That is dedication. And the main reason in this was to cut the original baking time in half from 30 to 14 minutes to create and preserve the doughy center that they are known for. I think this is a common thing to undercook things. I worked at McDonald's back in the day. And whenever I made the biscuits, I always cooked them for one less minute than you were

supposed to. So they were soft and doughy. And I may have given people food poisoning like 20 plus years ago. Literally don't admit that on air. Hey, statute of limitations. I don't. Okay. Mmm.

Mmm. As part of these 200 different recipes, eventually they settled on a proprietary blend of cinnamon called Makara. It's from like Malaysia or something. Mmm. The first location to open outside of a mall was at Detroit Metro Airport in 1991. On brand. Yes.

Starting a mall, go to an airport. Mmm. As of the end of last year, there were 939 locations in the U.S. in over 1600 worldwide. That's a lot. Mmm. Cinnabon was sold to its current owner, Mall Food Titan Focus Brands in 2004. Focus also owns Anti-Ans, Jamba, Schlotsky's and a few others. All things that I've seen paired with Cinnabons.

Yes. Yeah. Mmm. Cinnabon intentionally places their ovens near the front of stores in order to maximize the wafting glory. The waft radius. Yes. Yes.

And with that franchisees are also supposedly told to use the lowest ventilating hoods legally possible in order to keep the smell in the building. That's dirty pool, but I freaking love it. Yeah. That's so good. Like what can we get away with? People need to smell. Because like no joke, that is their selling factor.

It really is. The smell. What they're trying. I, like growing up as a kid, you perk up from across the mall when you get that waft of Cinnabon. It's effective. Maybe like the lightheadedness is part of carbon monoxide from the game. It's probably not great to work there for your health, but not, but it smells good.

Yeah. Mmm. A former president of Cinnabon, Kat Cole began her career as a Hooters girl and eventually worked her way up to become an executive vice president at Hooters before joining Focus Brands. Wow. She escaped. She went from entertainer to entrepreneur.

Good for her. Mmm. Kat Cole also starred in an episode of Undercover Boss and she was the youngest boss ever on the show at the age of 34. That's my age. Oh man. She was the president of Cinnabon at your age. Yeah, but I'm making a podcast that is doling out opinions about Cinnabon.

So really, who's winning? She is by far. Mmm. This Undercover Boss episode was shot at various franchise locations and a manufacturing plant. All of this was over four different states and they specifically chose the franchise locations because all of the corporate stores would immediately notice her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense.

Mmm. There are 880 calories in a classic role. I feel like I can taste every single one of them. Oh, it gets worse. There are 1090 calories in a caramel pecan bun and that's what you got. Yeah, but I didn't finish it. Okay. What?

Half? A third to half of it, yeah. Oh, so you had about the amount of calories in a large McDonald's fry, which is 510. Mmm. Cinnabon flavored vodka exists in the world. This is part of the- They're cheating. Everyone's using Cinnabon for stolen valor.

I'm gonna put a stop to it. I don't think they're cheating. I just think Cinnabon's a licensing slut. I mean, that is true. Let's be real. That is probably the problem here. Mmm. Bob Odenkirk actually learned how to make the cinnamon rolls from an employee sent by

corporate before the filming of Better Call Saul. Oh, fun. Yeah. Corporate actually had reps on set for every single Cinnabon scene. To make sure that they looked pristine or something. Yeah. And just whatever corporate things. And early seasons had real Cinnabon employees as all of the extras for those scenes.

Okay. That's fun. Man. Not to make this about that, but Better Call Saul is so good. Yes. Go watch Better Call Saul. Okay. We're done with that.

Mmm. Oh, we did it. That's it for this week's Resty Facts Roundup. Yeah! Atmosphere. So once we get inside, it's just a display case. It's their items. It's not a lot of items.

It's a Cinnabon. It's a minibon. It's a Cinnabon center roll. Yeah. It's a Cinnabon pecan bun. It's... Did they have the churros there? They did, right?

They did have the churros. The churros swirls. The chocolate chip cookies. They had their iced cat machine on the right-hand side. They had like the Cinnastix. That's about it, right? Is there anything else? I'm looking at her pictures and...

Have I memorized the Cinnabon menu? Holy crap, you almost read off the entire menu just by heart. And did I say the proper branded names? I think I did. I don't know what their cookie's called. Bon bites. That Bon bites. That's the other one I didn't get.

It's basically what we got at Pizza Hut. And because of that, I think that the Pizza Hut one is disqualified. Just because they happen to look like this. No, no, no. Not because they happen to look like it. They're the same thing. Are they literally the same? Is the same thing made?

Yes. The Bon bites are the same as the Pizza Hut one. Made by hand by the wonderful Cinnabon employees in that store. The same thing. It's the same product, yes. Should you be talking about the case outside the courtroom? Okay, fine, okay, fine. When trouble goes down, in Flavortown, it's food court.

That's right. You can't stop the food court. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Food Court. Today we have a dispute between two esteemed hosts of popular food review podcast, Find Dining, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. The plaintiff is filing a motion for injunctive relief against ordering Cinnabon brand desserts from food establishments not named Cinnabon, claiming that they're ineligible for inclusion. The defendant, on the other hand, argues that these desserts are legitimate offerings of

the restaurants in question and should be considered in their evaluations. We are here today to hear both sides of the argument and make a ruling in the interest of upholding the integrity of food reviews. The plaintiff may now make their opening statement. You're honored. I come before you today with a grave concern regarding the integrity of our podcast's food reviews. As a host of this show, I take pride in our mission to provide entertaining yet accurate

evaluations of the restaurants we visit. However, my esteemed colleague has been insisting upon the inclusion of Cinnabon branded desserts in our reviews of non-Cinnabon restaurants. While I appreciate the deliciousness of Cinnabon products, I must argue that this is a breach of our duty to provide fair and well-informed reviews, a duty with which our audience has trusted us. Evaluating Pizza Hut's food based on a Cinnabon dessert is like saying the 2019 adaptation of Cats was good because it had Idris Elba, the Cinnabon of Actors, in it.

Cats didn't earn that praise, and these restaurants shouldn't either. It simply ignores what the restaurant has to offer on its own merits. Including Cinnabon branded desserts in our evaluations sets a dangerous precedent. What's next? Giving two thumbs up to Chili's because of the bag of Chex Mix I brought in with me? It's a slippery slope, your honor. We already don't rate our sodas or other established products that we know obviously didn't originate from the specific restaurant of the week.

Why does Cinnabon get a pass? I implore you to consider the gravity of this situation and rule in favor of fair, accurate, and on-topic reviews. Our listeners deserve nothing less. Thank you, and your powdered wig looks great on you, your honor. And for the defendants' rebuttal? It's a simple argument. Banning Cinnabon branded products from food ratings because of their name and suspected

background is blatantly un-American. What? It's men? I eject! Relevance? I do that during my opening statement. I don't know. I didn't know the objection to this guy.

Order, order in my court. Objection denied. Continue, defendant. It's menu segregation. Dessert apartheid. Because in America, we all work together. In the freedom-sized, franchise-free-for-all that is our casual dining scene, we have the power of brands.

And our great brands work together, Oreo in the Cheesecake Factory, Doritos and Taco Bell, Hershey and Burger King, Cinnabon and Pizza Hut or Applebee's? Taste doesn't lie. We're American, so let's have our cake and eat it too. He makes a fair point. Blains if, continue on. He evokes the names Doritos, Cheetos, Oreos, Hershey. Hershey, another brand Pizza Hut once proudly emblazoned on their boxes.

But none of those are restaurants themselves. Great brands work together. I'm not saying they don't. At the end of the day, Applebee's has their own desserts. They have the blondie, they have the triple chocolate meltdown, they have other things on their menu. Evoking the name Cinnabon is cheating when those are sitting right there to evaluate Applebee's based on their own creations.

Why should they get to borrow from Cinnabon when Cinnabon is already a restaurant you can go to? I yield my time. Defendant. In all situations, Pizza Hut and Applebee's, we received the food in a heated state within the restaurants. So this at minimum passes a burden of proof to show the dessert was affected and therefore prepared by an employee of the restaurant.

Your Honor, I would like to present Exhibit A. Garrett, can you read to me what this box says? What could it be? Evidence in the food court. The smoking barn. Food court. You go in, it's a display case, a little table with like plastic wrapped knives and forks and then like a little napkin dispenser.

And that's it. That's the place. Yeah. Like the ovens are in Clearview right there. Yeah. It's dingy lighting. There is a backstor room though to the left. Obviously, we didn't go in there.

It's not like we go into the back rooms of these places yet. Yet. What are we going to get a tour? Yeah, there wasn't anything to it and that includes tables. Yeah. So our options were to walk and eat, which is psychotic and I'm not going to do it. We could just sit on the ground. I could do the Asian squat.

You could sit on a planter. We saw those and there were people doing it and they all looked confused. No, no, no. There was like running water all around these things too. Like just like puddles and it's just like, I don't want to sit by that. So no, we are innovators, Garrett. We decided to commit a little bit of identity fraud. We, well, technically Cinnabon is the one committing it because we ate their product,

but we took it to Margaritaville. There was Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville around the corner. There was an outside patio. It wasn't in use. No, no one was there because it was freezing outside. But it was pretty cold. They had the heating devices on. They had like a little heat lamp on and just an unattended patio and I was like, Garrett,

should we just sit down? And you were like, I don't know. And I was like, I'm doing it. I'm a follow the rules type of guy. No, you're not in specific situations who are, but it's not all situations. But yeah, I was like, no one's using it. The restaurant inside doesn't look too busy. I don't think anyone's going to want to sit outside.

So let's just pop a squad here and down our Cinnabons in this cold weather and we did. Cold weather for you. I was right by the heat lamp and it was toasty and perfect for me. Oh yeah. I would have that difference between us. You know, it wasn't the best, but I was worried about the effect it would have on the freshness of my Cinnabon. So we sit down, we open it up, we start eating and we're just haunted by the fact that we

are perfectly in between the listening zones of two sets of speakers. So we've got Margueriteville music on one side, which is always Jimmy Buffett. So just a rotation of Jimmy Buffett songs. And then we have the city walk speakers on the other side, which is just a whole mix of things. Sometimes it's salsa music, sometimes it's EDM. It's just, there was like accordion music in one place and like jungle beats in the other.

And I was like, what is happening right now? I felt like my head was going to explode. It was way too much, Garrett. This is way too much. This world's worst mashup was way too much. It was haunting. It was like Jimmy Buffett is such a specific genre that mashing it in with other things just sounds insane.

And trust me, it did sound insane. We were experiencing it and I was, I was, my sanity was ticking down. I just felt it like you don't want dubstep island vibes. No. Wait until Jimmy Buffett drops that beat. It is sick. Yeah. It was way too much.

Yeah. I think just having to go find our own tables, not having their seating was a lot. It equated to a net negative and it's already just a store front. Like we made an exception to go here. We knew it wasn't going to be full service, but we did have to settle this Cinnabon debate that we have. I got to go two thumbs down on atmosphere, largely due to the circumstances, but you know, a table wouldn't kill you.

Oh, and also the churro swirl and the cookies, like they're not what brought you to the game Cinnabon. Stop inventing. Okay. You've figured out the thing. You don't need to do more. You added caramel and pecan to your normal thing. That was great.

That was an accomplishment. You got two things. You changed the size of it with the minute bond. Okay. I see that. People want to watch their calorie intake. Now you're going tiny with the bond bites. You're really pushing it.

Yeah. It's a lot. You're doing too many things. Two thumbs down on atmosphere. Get your act together, Cinnabon. I'm honestly a little weirded out eating my Cinnabon outside on a cold chair to some steel drums. Like it was freezing as hell and it sounded tropical.

Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely messing with your mind. You're expecting like a luau, but yeah, like sound temperature dissonance is hard. So I would want to give this two thumbs down because my brain was just a giant mess during this experience. Yeah. But it's not Cinnabon's fault.

This was just, it's a store. They didn't offer an alternative. They did not. I've seen like mall Cinnabons and airport Cinnabons. They'll have just a little standing table outside, maybe just one or two, but it's something. But no. I'm in a good mood. It's Cinnabon.

Come on. Okay. And it's Island Cinnabon. It's an interesting mashup that I also hate. Yeah. It's City Walk Cinnabon. It's Cidibon. Cidibon.

It's Island Cidibon. Yes. So what are you giving it? I'm giving this one thumb down. I love how you're like, I'm in a good mood. One thumb down. Yeah. You know what?

I'm feeling nice. Yeah. One thumb down. And now a word from our totally not made up sponsor. Oh hi there. It's your favorite sponsor, Job, and I'm back here to help you calibrate the difference between what's good and what's bad. Did you say you're in a good mood and then give something one thumb down?

Come to me and I'll show you what thumb rating corresponds with the proper emotions because this week's job is an emotional support counselor. I'll help you with all the things like proper motor skills. Oh Job, how does my motor skill relate to my emotions? Well, if you're crying while operating a forklift, I'd argue that's going to be a lot of people's problem real quick. I've got a patent in five step system that's mostly showing you flashcards and some have words on them that say emotions and then the others have pictures of things you should

be doing when you're feeling that emotion. It's also a great way to suss out sociopaths. So if you're worried that the things you're doing don't match the way you feel, call me and I'll tell you how to be. And again, don't call me on a phone. I refuse to get a phone because one time I broke my fingernail in a rotary phone and it hurt like a bitch. Job forgives but he does not forget or forgive, which is why I'm still suing the now defunct

manufacturers of that rotary phone. Okay I gotta go. I gotta get to the courthouse. Okay, bye. Court is back in session. You know the one, the food court. Everything's exhibit A-O-K in the food court. Court is now back in session.

Your Honor, I would like to present exhibit A. Garrett, can you read to me what this box says? Yes. Crafted by Cinnabon, many roles delivered by Pizza Hut. Sorry, can you just repeat crafted by who? Crafted by Cinnabon. Thank you. It is crafted by Cinnabon.

Yeah. You were sitting there arguing that it was just crafted by a Pizza Hut employee when the box had stopped. Objection. I never said it was crafted by employee. You said it was made by. Yes. Objection sustained.

Continue. Defendant. I agree that this is crafted by Cinnabon, but it is given to us at Pizza Hut by a Pizza Hut employee that doesn't make it their original concoction. That distinction is the crux of this issue. Pizza Hut has its own dessert offerings, and the fact that we went with a Cinnabon product that came in a Cinnabon box that looks like Cinnabon and is literally a version of a product you can buy at a Cinnabon is asinine.

So you clearly say Pizza Hut did not heat this product, Pizza Hut did not serve this product. Nothing to do with this. Objection, your honor. Stupid. Objection denied. Continue. Continue.

Defendant. At Applebee's? This product was clearly made by Applebee's employees, given to us by our Applebee server, and at the end of the meal, our transaction was with Applebee's. Obviously, I don't expect a Cinnabon worker to trudge over from the mall food court to go over and warm up our food at Applebee's. I'm not saying that Cinnabon shouldn't be offered by Pizza Hut or by Applebee's or by Cheesecake Factory or any of the other places they license, nor am I saying that

I don't enjoy those things. I like Cinnabon like every red-blooded American. Because I am an American, Garrett, and you're trying to take my American-ness from me, but when it comes to America, we believe in the founding principle of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and restaurant integrity. That is the fourth one that they don't often tell you about. Objection, Your Honor. He just made up that fourth tenet of our great American country.

I'm true! Objection overruled. Your Honor, can I bring up another piece of evidence? You may proceed. I have before you four Cinnabon Bon bites from Cinnabon and ten Pizza Hut Cinnabon mini-rolls. They are together in one tray. Could you identify them differently based on taste? May I proceed?

Yes. You may proceed. I am the judge. This is evidence. I rule that they are delicious. It's just a little dry. And then one from the bottom. One from the bottom-roll?

Does it look the same to you? Yes, they're all pretty much rolls of dough with icing. That one was a lot better. I rule that that is also delicious, but way easier to go down. I object to the way this man stored the Cinnabon in his refrigerator last night. Look, I'll sustain that objective. I'm on your side on this one. You just have this empty sleeve in a paper bag.

You don't seal the bag. You just put that into the fridge. I don't know, man. So it's open to the fridge air. It wasn't there that long overnight. Yeah. Overnight fridge air drying. It'll be fine.

All right. So I've tried both of the Cinnabon Bon bites and the Cinnabon mini-rolls. And what is your point, plaintiff? You were supposed to say that they taste exactly the same, but you said that's way better. And now it comes down to improperly stored evidence. So I actually asked to strike this evidence from consideration. Request accepted. This is a kangaroo court.

Define that for me. Do you even know what that means? Courts within the great continent of Australia. Nope. We are American. Garrett, you are un-American. What? You shot yourself in the foot by bringing up the poor refrigeration.

That would have helped you. I moved a unstrike exhibit bee from consideration and stored in some tupperware. Hey, no, no, no, no. I don't want my court. Can I take your order in the court? The food court. A tray full of justice in the food court. Courts will now take a 10 minute recess.

Service. Basically non-existent. Yeah, I didn't get anything out of this experience. It was good or bad. It was a 19 year old kid. He forgot my water. Like, when that's the only part of the interaction we have other than you handing, like he had a positive attitude. He seemed nervous when I asked him for the water that I paid for.

Like, because I got a bottle because I knew we had to go. There was nowhere to sit. So I was like, all right, I got to take a thing with me. And I was like, okay, get that water. And he was like, like, he literally gulped. And I was like, calm down, man. I'm not, I'm not the health inspector. Like, you're okay.

You're okay. I'm not going to torch them too much, but like, you know, no host, no waitress, no manager, no balloon animal maker, you know, the expected things of a dining experience, you know, know this, know that, no thumbs. I'm just going to go no thumbs. Everyone there was nice enough. Yeah. There was literally nothing that stood out to me about this experience. Yeah. There were humans that gave us cinnamon rolls.

Yeah. We gave them money. We left the store. End of transaction. That was it. It was a purely transactional thing. So zero thumbs. Yeah.

Easy. Food. Yum. All right, Garrett, between us, we only got a few things. Yeah. Now, before we go into it, I do want to talk about, I did a little follow up Cinnabon thing. And I tried the churro swirl that I just rallied against telling them to stop inventing. It's very solid.

Comes with like a little frosting dip and you just kind of dip it in. It's a good little churro product. Yeah. So like good job guys. Don't do that. But I mean, look, everything they make is going to be a certain level of tasty, but you don't need it. You're diluting the pool too much.

So let's talk about what brought them to the dance. The classic cinnamon roll. Classic Cinnabon, right? This is what you got. This is what I got. I always get this. All 800 calories of it. You and I kind of split both of each other's things.

I'm just going to come around and say it. I don't think we got the best of the batch. No, no, we didn't. By the time we got to it, it was cold. I wouldn't say cold, but it definitely wasn't hot. It wasn't what you want out of a Cinnabon. It was lukewarm at best. Yeah.

It was hard, almost crunchy on the outside. Yeah. Crunchy is not a word you want with your Cinnabon. That happens a lot. If you wait too long on a Cinnabon, that outer edge is definitely, it's not like a cooked crisp. It goes stale so fast. It's like, I'm used to bringing them home.

I always microwave them before I eat them and it solves that problem. Of course. At home, and maybe jokes on us for not asking for that, but still a 7.5 out of 10. Cinnabon knows what it is. They know how to do it well. This was a bad Cinnabon I got. Yeah. I agree.

It's still an 8 out of 10. Yeah. A good Cinnabon? That's a 10 out of 10. It is. It just, it is. And it needed more frosting, I think too. I'm going to say a good Cinnabon is a 9.8 out of 10 because what I got to me is the

10 out of 10 of this variation. The pecan bun. You just add some caramel to it. You dice up some pecans, throw them on top. It's an improvement to a classic which, I mean, hey, it's a risk. It's a risk. When you're, when you're messing with classic, you got to stick the landing. You got it.

They stuck the landing. That said, I could tell that this much like yours wasn't fresh out the oven. I'm still going 8 out of 10 on it. And in a perfect world, like the best of these I've ever had, that's a 10 out of 10. I think yours ended up a little fresher and softer than mine. Yeah. The flavor of good caramel maple-y goodness. And again, it was kind of stale, but still it's 9 out of 10.

They're so good. They're so good. The worst version of them is just we're shoveling literal trash into our mouth and loving it. That's, look, if there's any soundbite that's going to sum up a Cinnabon episode, it's we're shoveling trash into our mouth and we love it. And then we got the middle. Oh, yes. That was your call.

Yeah. I saw it. It looked so good. I had to try it. They sell just the middle. Yeah. It's a lie. The middle, but hey, it was still soft and gooey.

It gets rid of that harder, staler edge. And this one was still warm. This was the last thing I tried, but it kept its heat well. Yep. It was my highest rating of the three. It was an eight and a half out of 10 for me. I also gave this an eight and a half out of 10. I liked the little extra granular sugar in it.

It just, it was, there was a nice texture thing to it. And it tasted more cinnamony than the other ones as well. Yeah. I really got that blast of, what was that word? Macara cinnamon. Macara, yeah. I could taste it. Now I do have a gripe against when we shared your classic Cinnabon.

You offered me like the carapace, the Cinnabon exoskeleton, you know, the opposite of the thing that they sell as a separate item. Like if they sell just the centers, now that we know they're not actually just centers, like it would imply that there is just this discarded husk of Cinnabon exteriors that nobody wants. And that's what you were generous enough to share with me. I just pushed it towards you. That's what you chose.

That's all that was left. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. That was a really good bad Cinnabon. Yeah. I mean, they're all good, but I mean, they're airport food. They are airport food.

How often can you take a husk to the mouth and be like, man, I loved this. I hated everything about what you just said. And I'm still going two thumbs up on the food, Garrett. Yeah. This was the absolute hands down worst Cinnabon experience I have ever had in my life. Two thumbs up. Yeah. You got to do it.

You got to do it. All right. Moving on. We got to rate this thing, but before we rate it, let's go to Yelp and see what other people are saying about it in this week's Yelp from strangers. We need a little yelp, a little yelp, a little yelp from strangers. A one star, two star, three star, four, five, six. So give a little yelp, a little yelp, a little yelp from strangers.

A little yelp, a little yelp. Give us those complaints while you literally whine and die. Yelp. All right, this is Yelp from strangers, our segment where we read out our favorite one, two, three, four, and five star Yelp reviews because a lot of people have some just weird things to say about the places we go to, Garrett, just like all of the weird things we have to say. Yeah.

Honestly, we are kindred spirits, those people in us. But at the very least, we have better grammar. One star review. I want to start us off with a one star review from a guy named Dream B. And I really like to think that the B stands for big. Okay. After two days in a row of being disappointed. Okay.

I want to stop there. He went to Cinnabon two days in a row because like first day, disappointment. Second day is like, hmm, I got to do this again. Yesterday wasn't satisfying. I'm going to expose myself to this thing twice. And he went to City Walk twice just for this. After two days in a row of being disappointed, I come to Yelp and well, now I see others share my same feelings.

Close this trash box down. I've never been to a Cinnabon location that didn't taste amazing. But this shit here, Pillsbury bullshit. How do you burn Cinnabons? It's 12 people back there. How do you all lose track of greatness? If you are looking for a classic Cinnabon steer clear of this place, you're better off sprinkling cinnamon on a turd.

Dream B, you are the poet that this podcast has been waiting for on Yelp. Oh man, that tickled me. Thanks Dream. Two star review. Now let's go to a two star review. Hit me. From Frankie S 11 months ago. Now, stay with me here.

This is quite the novel. Made the drive over and bought a 15 pack today. The whole batch is overcooked and dry. Disappointing two stars. What I love about this is kind of the unspoken implication of bought a 15 pack today. The whole batch is overcooked and dry. Did he try one and go unsatisfactory next try it unsatisfactory next. He just took one bite of all 15.

And then what do you get? A pile of husks. You just dug into the center of each of them and chewed them out. That's actually kind of a good idea. Honestly, that sounds wasteful, but it sounds good. That's how you end up passed out on the back of a truck bed. If you'd like to hear the rest of our Yelp from Strangers segment, go on over to our Patreon and we'll be posting all five of our favorite reviews there.

You can find the link for that in the description of this episode or just go to patreon.com slash fine dining podcast. The judge has deliberated. In the food court. All rise for the honorable judge. Fort is now back in session. Everyone rise. Thank you.

You now may be seated. Evidence has been rejected into submission. This was improperly stored, so therefore will not be utilized in the argument. Plaintiff, you may continue. I'd like to call the defendant to the stand, Your Honor. Defendant to the stand, please. Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? I do.

Okay, proceed. Garrett, we've been doing this for how long now? Almost a year. What is our mission statement, Garrett? I plead the fifth. You plead the fifth. That's convenient. It is to find the most mediocre restaurant.

Singular, not plural. Not Pizza Hut plus Cinnabon, not Applebee's plus Cinnabon, but just one singular place. Is it not that? Those are your words. You're the one that says them, you wrote them. It's funny that you say that because it is not just my words. I would like to bring up Exhibit C. Plaintiff, proceed.

Garrett, if you'll listen back to Episode 4, Drunk Boomers, Affairs and Breakups at Island's Fine Burgers and Drinks. You took the liberty of introducing that episode. Is this not your voice? Hello and welcome to the Fine Dining Podcast, where we are in search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I will say that does sound like my voice, but how do I know that it's not an AI-generated version of me? Garrett, you were there. Objection, you're on it. Objection sustained. Please continue the audio recording and allow Garrett to introduce himself via the audio. I'm your host Michael Ornella.

That was clearly you. You said your name, you introduced yourself, you said the premise of the podcast, you said we're looking for a singular restaurant, not a restaurant hybrid. I rest my case. Okay, Defendant, you may now return to your seat. I have one more witness I'd like to call. Proceed. I bring you Exhibit D, the Pizza Hut Reddit affidavit. Oh, shit. According to expert witness Pizza Hut GM and Reddit user u slash CEO CTL, the dessert in question arrives at each Pizza Hut location frozen from the same distribution center

that all ingredients and products for that very restaurant come from. So clearly all of the food that is made at Pizza Hut comes from the same location on the same trucks. We don't know. Cinnabon can ship it to the place that they then load up the trucks. That doesn't mean that Cinnabon didn't send it to them in the first place. There is nowhere in the affidavit that mentions the origin of the Cinnabon product other than the Pizza Hut warehouse. With this evidence, it kind of puts a wrench in your argument, plaintiff. Do you believe that whoever is selling the product holds responsibility over that food? I feel like when you say responsibility, yeah, to prepare it so we don't get food poisoning or anything like that.

But when it comes down to, did they come up with this idea? I want to know what is the creativity of a Pizza Hut? What are Pizza Hut products? Are you rating that or are you rating the food itself? Can I jump in? Go on, defendant. Panda Express slash Panda In invented orange chicken. So are we only allowed to rate orange chicken at Panda? No, where the division comes is if a place has a cinnamon roll on their menu, that's fair game.

Once the food has been invented, you can put your own take on it. The problem is you're bringing in the Cinnabon branding and you're literally bringing it in Cinnabon packaging. I believe we should experience the rest of the dessert menu before we get to Cinnabon. Plaintiff, your closing statement or argument? Your Honor, the inclusion of Cinnabon branded desserts in our reviews of non-Cinnabon restaurants is a clear violation of our duty to provide fair and well-informed evaluation. While these desserts may be delicious, they just have no place in our reviews and serve only to distract from the unique offerings of the restaurant we are evaluating. As hosts of this podcast, we have a responsibility to our audience to provide honest and accurate reviews. We must hold ourselves to a higher standard if we wish to maintain the trust of our listeners.

I urge you to rule in favor of fair, accurate and on-topic reviews and to ensure that our podcast continues to provide high quality content that our audience deserves and grant an injunction against future Cinnabon orders. Thank you, Your Majesty. Defendant? Yes. Your closing statement and argument? Thank you, Your Honor. This is simple. We are here today to settle a case hinging on only three elements.

The dessert was prepared by the restaurant, provided by the restaurant, and we paid the restaurant for the dessert. That's it. As far as I'm concerned, there's no question even in this case. This is a restaurant product. Thank you, Your Honor. The judge will deliberate and I will proceed with the ruling. My ruling is in favor of the plaintiff. He has proven that the Cinnabon product is its own separate entity and not an original food product of the restaurant.

Regardless of whether the food product has been bagged and sent off from the same distribution center as many other chain restaurants, it is not an original food. Court is now over. Well, there it is. The verdict of the food court. Justice served. Food court. Boo.

I'm appealing this ruling. Well, I'm going to drag out this appeal process and it'll be years before you taste another Cinnabon, my friend. It will be years. I'll see you back in court. I will eat a Cinnabon in front of your face. Not for this podcast. And I will share it with you because they taste great. Judge, would you like some more?

I would love one more. It's kind of delicious. I do like them. Yummy. Final rating. You know, I got to bring up a recent conversation yet again. Floors and ceilings. Cinnabon at its best. It's airport food. It's never going to be a 10 out of 10 restaurant. It's not. It can't be. It's a stand. Yeah, it can't be. Although it can have food that would be 10 out of 10 food.

The food can be high reaching. That doesn't mean the full experience does. You're waiting in a line. The sign has an outage. You know, you're exposed to the elements. High schooler handing you your Cinnabon gulps when he forgets your water. It's just there's a cap. Cinnabon's like, oh man, I've got the best restaurant recommendation for you. You've got to check this place out if you haven't. It's called Cinnabon. You go and it's over in 10 minutes. No one's selling you the dining experience of Cinnabon. They're selling you the bun. And that's okay.

And that's what they're known for. It's okay. But your airport food, they've got a ceiling and it's not that high. I'm going 4.05. You are mediocre, but barely mediocre. Garrett, what say you? I agree with you how there is definitely a ceiling for mall slash airport food. Yeah. These aren't fancy things. This is just something that's going to kill us 10 years early.

Yeah. This is this is America incarnate. Yeah. This is America food. Yeah. America food is wonderful in small doses, but it's served in such large doses and I love that about our country. I do not. I do. Oh my God.

I want leftovers. I want to eat until I'm sick, but I want to eat until I'm sick inside where I'm sheltered from the elements. Yeah. I don't want to have to walk around to find a place to even sit down. Right. I want to be disinterestedly handed food by someone that doesn't care or honestly probably isn't paid enough to care. Sure. So this isn't a fancy experience.

No. Not at all. Best cinnamon rolls in the world. I'll tell you that. Oh yeah. I would be hard pressed to name a better one. So the cinnamon rolls pull this up out of the basement and salvage a 4.33. All right.

So, cinnamon going up on the Chachki of mediocrity at 4.19. It did get within the four to six range, which means no, you must bowl challenge for next time. And it's better than Cheddar's. It's better than Cheddar's, but it does mean there will have to be a next time. And as a result, we need to know where we're going to go. Let's do it. So we got to play the headline game. The rules of the headline game are as follows.

Garrett will present three headlines to Michael that include this week's restaurant. They can be made up or they can be actual headlines. If Michael can correctly guess if at least two out of three are real or fake, he will get to select next week's restaurant. However, if Garrett stumps him, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? I am prepared. Garrett, do you have headlines ready for me?

Oh, I've got some headlines. All right, hit me. This first one is perfect for you. Bons of rage. Man Attack Cinnabon worker over substandard order hits her with napkin dispenser. I'm going to say true only because I don't think you would have thought of the word substandard. So you're blaming my substandard vocabulary. Yes.

Okay, next one. State police find over 100,000 bags of fentanyl stored in Western Mass Cinnabon. I'm going to say false because that is so much fentanyl. So last one. Man pays $110 for someone to wait in Long Sydney Cinnabon queue. Man, the state of the world makes me believe that, but it's also not an iPhone, which is the sort of thing people would pay. I don't know. It's funnier to wait for a Cinnabon.

I'm going to go with my heart and not my gut and say true. Okay. So the first one, Bons of Rage Man Attack Cinnabon worker over substandard order hits her with napkin dispenser. You said true and that is true. Oh, I knew it. Okay. Next one. State police find over 100,000 bags of fentanyl stored in Western Mass Cinnabon.

You guessed false. That is indeed false. Okay. Great. So I already get to pick. Now the last one. Cherry on top. Did I go with three for three?

You went three for three. Man pays $110 for someone to wait in Long Sydney Cinnabon queue. And you said true. That is true. Hey, it's worth it. It's unstoppable, baby. I get the pick next time, Garrett. And you know what?

You know what? What? We've talked about airport food so much with Cinnabon. We're going to go to Planet Hollywood. Okay. What does that have to do with an airport? Yeah. You ask.

The nearest Planet Hollywood to us is in the Tom Bradley International Terminal at LAX, Los Angeles International Airport. Otherwise, we could go to Orlando, but I'm not doing that. We're going to an actual airport and we're going to eat at their food court Planet Hollywood location. Oh, God. So we're going to like the literal worst place in the city to eat. LAX.

Yes. We are going to bear the traffic. God, that's terrible. We're going to bear the lines. That's terrible. I'm at a 50% panic attack rate whenever I enter that place. Honestly, the freak out that you potentially could have is worth all the white knuckling I'm going to be doing while driving and traffic.

Well, last time I was there, I got in a shouty match with a cop. I believe that. So that'll be next time. Oh, God. Why? Why are you doing this to us? Honestly, because I think it's so funny to go to an airport terminal as a food reviewer and then not fly out and leave.

Just like go back to your car and go home. There are only two humans on this planet. I will drive to LAX for well, get ready. I'll drive you. Thank you. You're welcome. That is all for the fine dining podcast. If you agree with the results of our Cinnabon injunction lawsuit, go ahead and email us

your thoughts, fine dining podcast at gmail.com. If you have ever worked at a planet Hollywood and have any fun stories, go ahead and email us. Hey, if you've ever worked in an airport, send us fun stories to yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to hear all of those things. We want to hear from you. We're also considering doing a Q&A episode coming up sometime in the future. So if you have any questions for us based on our past episodes, what we aim to do in

the future, ideas, you know, things you just want to hear us do, stuff like that. Yeah. Go ahead and email us those. So if any of those things apply to you, email us fine dining podcast at gmail.com. We did not find the perfect five out of 10, but we're going to keep looking. We will see you all next time. Have a fine day and hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars?

And don't forget, you can always suggest where we go next, okay, we're going to find out where we go next.