Fine Dining - The Cinnabon Injunction feat. Jessa Day (Twitch)

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

No service? No problem! The boys make a casual dining exception for Cinnabon Michael sues Garrett in Food Court (the honorable Judge Jessa Day presiding) to block him from ordering Cinnabon desserts outside of Cinnabon Nightmare Jimmy Buffett/dubstep hybrid music permeates the boys' ears as they scarf down their Cinnabon at an abandoned Margaritaville patio table A seemingly unconscious man on his truck bed has the boys wondering What's Going On Over There? JUB will help you manage your emotions We're now on Patreon! Get a monthly free episode, merch discounts, download access to our music including the 7 singles from our Olive Garden musical, the opportunity to get your face immortalized on the Tchotchke of Mediocrity, and more!   Get our 5 Survival Tips for Casual Dining at www.finediningpodcast.com!   Send us your Cinnabon stories at [e-mail].   Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @finediningpodcast   Let us know where we should go next by leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you get your podcasts. We read every one!   Next time on Fine Dining: Planet Hollywood! If you have ever worked for Planet Hollywood and have a story to share, send it to [e-mail].

Hello, and welcome back to a very special episode of the Fine Dining Podcast, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. And when we say fine, we mean just okay. Just, it's meh. And today is the pinnacle of that, Garrett, because we have a beef to squash. We have a debate that has carried on, I mean, honestly, more behind the scenes than on the show. You call the debate. I call it the facts.

just on my side anyway. Disagree. Disagree, and we're going to get to the bottom of it before the end of today. Oh, for sure. We will get to the bottom of this, and we'll find out that you're wrong. I have filed an injunction against Garrett. I am trying to prevent him from choosing Cineabon-based dessert tie-ins with other restaurants when we go places. To get it out of his system, we're going to Cineabon. Michael, why do you hate flavor? I love Cinebond.

That's not the issue. The issue is the eligibility. We'll get into this more. For those of you listening for the first time, this is the show in which we are going to all the chain restaurants looking for the most mediocre, the perfect 5.00 out of 10. And when we go to these places, we are trying to evaluate them based on the atmosphere, their service and their food. Last time, we got remarkably close. He's got a 5.02. And you gave it a perfect 5.00.

I thought we found it. For my money, we had found the bar, but it is a two-man rating system. And I went 5.04. We were close. Yeah, no. Something just didn't feel the most mediocre to you, and that's okay. The search continues. We will keep looking, but we're trying to find you that bar, that measuring stick,

that standard of mediocrity that you can use to compare against all other restaurants. and we've already started doing it. Whenever we go out to a place, immediately, my knee-jerk reaction is, is this place better than Applebee's? And now I immediately know if its rating is going to fall under or over five.

It's easy. 0.00 for me. It's such a great shorthand. It feels efficient in a way that, I know it's what we've set out to do, but being able to employ it, man, it feels good. And we're going to find that for all of you.

That's employ. but we are not. We are not. So, because we're not employable, please support us on our Patreon. Yeah. Please go to our website, wwwfinediningpodcast.com, and buy our t-shirts.

You know, we've got all sorts of ways to support the show. But most importantly, just continue listening, download our stuff. But if you do want more from us, it is there. The links are in the descriptions if you want to check out our website

or our Patreon. You get an exclusive episode every month and a whole host of other things. You get the full-length Yelp from Strangers segment. You get to download our songs. Fine dining party of two. We've been talking way too long. Our table is in fact ready.

We'll see you all after the break. Your table is ready. Follow me. Have you tried our chicken breasts? Serving pancakes and rips. I recommend the spaghetti. We're here to satisfy not to impress. Your table is ready.

Complementary butter and bread. These walls have growth signs. Nick, knack, cowboy hat, good luck cat. Altigraph guitar, some crap from your city. Behold the chotchky of mediocrity. Fine dining. Just fine dining, fine dining. Two letters on the sign are shining.

Neal flickering irregular timing. Identify the perfect fight. First impressions. You're not going to find a standalone cinnabund. You're not going to find just a brick-and-mortar synabon. You're going to find airports. You're going to find... Balls.

You're going to find... Tourist attractions. Tourist attractions, yeah. And that's what we did. We went to Universal Studios City Walk. So basically the big shopping center outside of the Universal Studios in Hollywood. It is bumping. Yeah.

So I like to think our first impressions start long before we even get close to the synagogue. Yeah, there's a part when you're driving up the hill and you just turn a corner and it's just gigantic movie posters and like the Jurassic Park logo off to the side. And you just feel like you're in an exciting place out of nowhere. You go into the Jurassic parking structure. This parking garage had a lot to maneuver through. It was a giant maze. It was a labyrinthian structure.

You got stuck in a one way. You drive up. Oh, look, everything ends up. here. There's not enough room to turn around. We got waved on by one of the attendants that worked there who waved us to the right and then changed her mind

and waved us to the left. And then I was just, I shut down. I was just like, I don't know what I'm doing. But I guess I'm going to go with the updated one and we drove through, went on up, and we were driving forever. We drove forever. But right off the bat

as we're heading towards the parking spot that we see off in the distance that we know we're going to take. I notice a thing on the left hand side, and Garrett, can you describe what I saw? There was a man passed out in the back of his truck. Like, on the truck bed, on the open door flap of it. He was on the tailgate itself.

That's not supposed to support the weight of a person. Not for an extended period of time, at least. But this man is just fully passed out. Just gone. And I was worried. and, you know, we went, we parked, we got out of the car, we turned around, because, I mean, part of me feels almost a duty to check that he has a pulse. We turn around, we're like, is this guy alive?

But you know what else we wonder, Garrett? What's going on over there? Michael, what is going on over there? Garrett, where are we going? We're going to Cinebon. Is Cinebun notoriously nutritious? No, no, not at all. I think this was a surgeon general's warning.

I think it was like a piece of performance art by the powers that be warning us, hey, if you go through with this, this is your future. So this man was Cinebonds cigarette label. Yes, exactly. He was like the Banksy art installation of a man just passed out, committing to just being in a very vulnerable state on the back of a truck. And then as soon as we were out of view and we turn around and then came back, he was already sitting up. So that's why I think it was very much staged for us. Yeah, because we didn't actually get to see him move.

It was like one of those spray painted people in Europe that go over. The painted Silver Street performers that just stay still. Yeah, he must have been something like that except he was just like painted in sugar and drool. Sugar drool and sadness. Oh, God. Those three things. very much describe a synobon. Those things describe me every morning when I wake up.

Yeah, I think we have figured it out. I think we know what's going on over there. Once we got up the escalator and we got to see City, like that walk out is majestic. Even if you've done it before, it's just this giant screen. It's brightly lit neon signs, sleek looking neon signs for all these different brands that you know some, you don't know some. Like even a Starbucks logo looks exciting under the lights of CityWalk. I think a lot of it is kind of like an architectural trick. It's like a compression and release.

So when we walk in, it's like forced perspective almost. It's like the ceiling is a little bit lower. The quarters are a little bit tighter, but we walk into this, we see the grand open area of CityWalk. Frank Lloyd Wright did this in his houses all the time to, like, create more space visually. And there's like a giant chocolate factory. There's a voodoo donut. There's a Bucca da Beppo. That's the first thing you see when you walk out.

It looks like Lili Wonka's factory almost. Yeah. Now also on this big screen, there were like, I think it was like an Ariana Grande music video was playing. And it was like one of those music videos where it like digs into her own vault of growing up home movie videos and I'm like the only people that get emotional about this are diehard fans who feel like we're closer to her now

but you know it was that kind of song and I started dancing Garrett I could not contain myself and I started dancing you started filming my dancing I immediately felt like I pulled something but you kept going I got a hernia and I think you thought it was a bit

and I was kind of reaching out to you for help And you just kept filming. Of course. It felt like a black mirror episode where like I'm dying. I just thought you were committing to the bit. When really I was just in pain and getting no help. What was I going to do? Ruin my video?

Yeah, I guess. The footage of me dancing and writhing is pretty solid. And you can check it out on our social media. That's right. We're on Instagram at Fine Dining Podcast. We're on TikTok at Fine Dining Podcast. And you can email us whatever you want. Fine Dining Podcast at gmail.com.

We might regret that, but I don't know. Maybe we won't. As we round the corner by the voodoo donuts, you see neon lit up cinnamon rolls. You can smell it already. You can smell it and you can see it. And it is just this sensory overload of, oh boy, I think pickup truck guy was right. I'm going to die here. But man, is it going to be a delicious?

It's like they're setting you up before you even see it. The smell is the first thing you encounter. You can just follow that smell right to the Cinebond. It's almost as if they intentionally do this. Yeah, I felt like an old-timey cartoon character floating, following my nose as an aroma sifted through, like a pie on a windowsill. Yeah. We just kind of hovered on over to Cineabon.

We got in a line which was technically out the door. Technically. Because you could only fit like three people. inside. So it was like a four-person line. It went quickly. Not all the lights and the neon sign lit up, just like that lyric in our theme song. And reminded us, hey, this place isn't going to be all there. Because like, we don't want to go to a place that is a fully lit up sign. No, why would we do that? Why would we put ourselves to a place that respects itself? I know. We don't respect ourselves. So why would we go to one of those places? This is our speed right here.

Garrett, we're right at the door. But before we can step through that threshold, I need to know a few things about Cinebond. Did you gather up some resty facts this week? I did gather up some rusty facts. And they're tasty. They're glazed. They're amazing.

How about this? Instead of the little whip crack that my mom hates so much for the resty fact round up, rounding up whips. I mean, it's a cattle. It's a cattle thing. You get it. Yeah.

Texas. I think we should just do the sound of us appreciating food. So three, two, one. Mm. All right, Garrett, let's dive on in. The first Cineban opened up in Seattle, Washington in 1985, in a mall. The mall was actually called C-TAC. Mmm. The chain initially began after a failed franchise agreement with another cinnamon roll slinging

mall store, T.J. Cinemans. So what happened was the owner had a franchise agreement, but T.J. Cinemans would not give him West Coast exclusivity. So he's like, you know what? No, I'm going to do my own thing. Hmm. And I assume he put the other guy out of business? I don't know the role he had in it. But T.J. Cinemans was eventually bought out by Arby's. Huh. And to this day... Which also owns Buffalo Wild Wings. Yes. They have the meats. So today, one of the only places you can get a T.J. Cinnamon's cinnamon roll is at Arby's. R.I.P. T.J. Cinnamonements, which is actually kind of funny because there was T.J. Applebee's. And the founders of Applebee's originally thought of the name Cinnamon's, but that was taken.

By a strip club? Sounds like it. By a restaurant. But yes. Mmm. There's a spot in the mall, but no chain at this point. So it's just a one-off? Yeah. So he's like, shit, what do I do?

He needs a name for his business. Enter the advertising genius allegedly behind the creation of Starbucks. He was against the name Sin a Bun. B-U-N? B-U-N, yes. He was against that

because of the savory, not-sweet connotations. Apparently buns are a savory thing. I don't equate that. Yeah. He chose the name Sinabon, B-O-N, alluding to bonbons and decadence. Interesting.

That's not how it ever read to me growing up. It always read as a typo. Really? To the point that I always pronounced it, Sinabon, and I thought people who pronounced it Sinabon were weird until one day I noticed it was actually spelled Sinabon. And it was almost like a Mandela effect for me, where I was just like, has it been Sinabon this whole time? Because they sell buns.

Yeah. They don't sell bonds. Hmm. I did more research into the Sinabon name, and the earliest print. reference, I can find the exact term Cinnabon is from European chemical and medical reference logs from the

1840s. Weird. Yeah. Which. Is that in any way related to actual Cinnabon, the restaurant chain, or just the word existed before? It's just the word that existed. Okay. And Cinebon was actually a different spelling of Cinebar,

which is a scarlet red colored mercury ore. Mmm. So, they've got a name, they've got a location. They don't have a cinnamon roll yet. Mm. So over 200. Wait, they came up with the location before they came up with the recipe.

Yeah. That's putting the cart before the horse a little bit. They were ready to go with T.J. Cinemans. Yeah. Oh, because T.J. Cinemans provided it. So they were kind of like left with the store in their hands. Mm.

Over 200 different recipes were tested in the process of honing in on the exact right recipe. Okay. That's dedication. That is dedication. And the main reason in this was to cut the original baking time in half from 30 to 14 minutes to create and preserve the doughy center that they are known for. I think this is a common thing to undercook things. I worked at McDonald's back in the day. And whenever I made the biscuits, I always cooked them for one less minute than you were supposed to. Just to make them a little fluffy. Yeah. And I may have given people food poisoning like 20 plus years ago. admit that on air. Hey, statute of limitations. I don't, okay. As part of these 200 different recipes, eventually they settled on a proprietary blend of cinnamon

called Macara. It's from like Malaysia or something. The first location to open outside of a mall was at Detroit Metro Airport in 1991. On brand. Yes. Starting a mall, go to an airport. as of the end of last year there were 939 locations in the U.S. in over 1,600 worldwide. That's a lot. M-hmm. Sineban was sold to its current owner, Moll Food Titan, Focus Brands in 2004. Focus also owns Antianz, Jamba, Schlotsky's, and a few others.

All things that I've seen paired with Cinebonds. Yes. Mm-hmm. Sinabon intentionally places their own. ovens near the front of stores in order to maximize the wafting glory. The waft radius. Yes. Yes.

And with that, franchisees are also supposedly told to use the lowest ventilating hoods legally possible in order to keep the smell in the building. That's dirty pool, but I freaking love it. Like, that's so good. Like, what can we get away with? People need to smell. Because, like, no joke, that is their selling factor. It really is.

It's what they're trying. I, like, growing up as a kid, you perk up from across the mall when you get that waft of Sinobon. It's effective. Maybe like the lightheadedness is part of like the carbon monoxide from the game. Oh, yeah. It's probably not great to work there for your health. Probably, but not, but it smells good. Yeah.

Mmm. A former president of Sinabon, Kat Cole, began. and her career as a Hooters girl and eventually worked her way up to become an executive vice president at Hooters before joining Focus Brands. Wow, she escaped. She went from entertainer to entrepreneur. Good for her. Cat Cole also starred in an episode of Undercover Boss, and she was the youngest boss ever on the show at the age of 34. That's my age.

Oh, man. She was the president of Cinebubon. at your age. Yeah, but I'm making a podcast that is doling out opinions about Cineabon. So really, who's winning? She is by far. This undercover boss episode was shot at various franchised locations and a manufacturing plant. All of this was over four different states.

And they specifically chose the franchise locations because all of the corporate stores would immediately notice her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. There are 880 calories in a classic roll. I feel like I can taste every single one of them. Oh, it gets worse. There are 1,090 calories in a caramel pecan bon. And that's what you got.

Yeah, but I didn't finish it. Okay. What? Half? A third to half of it, yeah. Oh, so you had about the amount of calories in a large McDonald's fry, which is 510. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Cineban flavored vodka exists in the world. Mm. This is part of the... They're cheating. Everyone's using Cinnabon for stolen valor. I'm gonna put a stop to it. I don't think they're cheating. I just think Cinebons a licensing slut.

I mean, that is true. Let's be real. That is probably the problem here. Mm. Bob Odenkirk actually learned how to make the cinnamon rolls from an employee sent by corporate before the film. of Better Call Saul. Oh, fun.

Yeah. Corporate actually had reps on set for every single Cinebond scene. To make sure that they looked pristine or something. And just whatever corporate things. And early seasons had real Cineabon employees as all of the extras for those scenes. Okay. That's fun. Man, not to make this about that, but Better Call Saul is so good.

Yes. Go watch Better Call Saul. Okay, we're done with that. Oh, we did it. That's it for this week's. Resty Facts Roundup. Atmosphere. So once we get inside, it's just a display case.

It's their items. It's not a lot of items. It's a Cinnabon. It's a Minibon. It's a Cinebond center roll. It's a Cinnon Pekon Bon. It's, did they have the Churros there? They did have the Churros.

The Churros swirls, the chocolate chip cookies. They had their iced cap machine on the right hand side. had like the sin of sticks. That's about it, right? Is there anything else? I'm looking at her pictures and... Have I memorized the Cinebun menu? Holy crap, you almost read off the entire menu just by heart.

And did I say the proper branded names? I think I did. I don't know what their cookies called. Bon bites. That bond bites. That's the other one I didn't get. Those are basically what we got at Pizza Hut. And because of that, I think that's...

the Pizza Hut one is disqualified. Just because they happen to look like this. No, no, not because they happen to look like it. They're the same thing. Are they literally the same? Is the same thing? Yes. The Bond bites are the same as the Pizza Hut one.

Made by hand by the wonderful Sinobon employees in that store. The same thing. It's the same product. Yes. Should you be talking about the case outside the courtroom? Okay, fine. Okay, fine. When trouble goes down.

In Flavor Town, it's... Food Court! That's right. You can't stop the... Food Court. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Food Court. Today, we have a dispute between two esteemed hosts of popular food review podcast Fine Dining, the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America.

The plaintiff is filing a motion for injunctive relief against ordering Cinebon brand desserts from food establishments not named Cineban, claiming that they're ineligible for inclusion. The defendant, on the other hand, argues that these desserts are legitimate offerings of the restaurants in question and should be considered in their evaluations. We are here today to hear both sides of the argument and make a ruling in the interest of upholding the integrity of food reviews. The plaintiff may now make their opening statement. Your Honor, I come before you today with a grave concern regarding the integrity of our podcast's food reviews. As a host of this show, I take pride in our mission to provide entertaining yet accurate evaluations of the restaurants we visit.

However, my esteemed colleague has been insisting upon the inclusion of Cineban-branded desserts in our reviews of non-Cinnabon restaurants. While I appreciate the deliciousness of Cineban products, I must argue that this is a breach of our duty to provide fair and well-informed reviews, a duty with which our audience has trusted us. Evaluating Pizza Hut's food, based on a Cineban dessert, is like saying the tour. 2019 adaptation of cats was good because it had Idris Elba, the Sinabon of actors, in it. Cats didn't earn that praise, and these restaurants shouldn't either.

It simply ignores what the restaurant has to offer on its own merits. Including Sinabun branded desserts in our evaluations sets a dangerous precedent. What's next? Giving two thumbs up to chilies because of the bag of checks mix I brought in with me? It's a slippery slope, Your Honor. We already don't rate our sodas or other established products that we know, didn't originate from the specific restaurant of the week, why does Cinebun get a pass? I implore you to consider the gravity of this situation and rule in favor of fair, accurate, and on-topic reviews.

Our listeners deserve nothing less. Thank you, and your powdered wig looks great on you, Your Honor. And for the defendant's rebuttal? It's a simple argument. Banning Cineabon branded products from food ratings because of their name and suspected background is blatantly un-American. What? I object. Relevance?

Can you even do that during my opening statement? I don't know. I didn't know your opening statement. Order. Order in my court. Objection denied. Continue. Defendant.

It's menu segregation. Desert apartheid. Because in America, we all work together. In the freedom-sized, franchised, free-for-all that is our casual dining scene, we have the power of brands. And our great brands work together. Oreo and the cheesecake. factory. Doritos and Taco Bell. Hershey and Burger King. Sinobon and Pizza Hut or Applebee's? Taste doesn't lie. We're American, so let's have our cake and eat it too. He makes a fair point.

Blaine Tiff, continue on. He evokes the names Doritos, Cheetos, Oreos. Hershey. Hershey, another brand Pizza Hut once proudly emblazoned on their boxes. But none of those are restaurants themselves. Great brands work together. I'm not saying they don't. At the end of the day, Applebee's has their own desserts. They have the Blondie. They have the triple chocolate meltdown. They have other things on their menu.

Evoking the name Cinebun is cheating when those are sitting right there to evaluate Applebee's based on their own creations. Why should they get to borrow from Cinebon when Cinebon is already a restaurant you can go to? I yield my time. Defendant? Now, in all situations,

Pizza Hut and Applebee, we received the food in a heated state within the restaurants. So this at minimum passes a burden of proof to show the dessert was affected and therefore prepared by an employee of the restaurant. Your Honor, I would like to present Exhibit A. Garrett, can you read to me what this box says? What could it be?

Evidence in the... Free court. The smoke. You go in, it's a display case, a little table with, like, plastic wrapped knives and forks and then like a little napkin dispenser. And that's it. That's the place. Yeah, like it's the ovens are in clear view right there. Yeah.

It's dingy lighting. There is a backstore room, though. To the left, obviously, we didn't go in there. It's not like we go into the back rooms of these places. Yet. Yet. What are we going to get a tour? Yeah, there wasn't anything to it.

And that includes tables. So our options were to walk and eat, which is psychotic. And I'm not going to do it. We could just sit on the ground. I could do the Asian squat and eat. You could sit on a planter. We saw those. And there were people doing it.

And they all looked confused. No, no, no. There was like running water all around these things too. Yeah. Like just like puddles. And it's just like, I don't want to sit by that. So no, we are innovators, Garrett. We decided to commit a little bit of identity fraud.

We, well, technically Cinebun is the one committing it because we ate their product, but we took it to Margaritaville. There was a Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville around the corner. There was an outside patio. It wasn't in use. No, no one was there because it was freezing outside. But they had the heating devices on. They had like a little heat lamp on and just an unattended patio. and I was like,

Garrett, should we just sit down? And you were like, I don't know. And I was like, I'm doing it. I'm a follow the rules type of guy. No,

you're not. In specific situations you are, but it's not all situations. But yeah, I was like, no one's using it. The restaurant inside doesn't look too busy. I don't think anyone's going to want to sit outside.

So let's just pop a squad here and down our Cinebuns in this cold weather. And we did. Cold weather for you. I was right by the heat lamp and it was toasty and perfect for me. Oh yeah, that's right. We did have that difference between us. It, you know, it wasn't the best, but I was worried about the effect it would have on the freshness of my Cenibon. So we sit down, we open it up, we start eating, and we're just haunted by the fact that we are perfectly in between the listening zones of two sets of speakers. So we've got Margaritaville music on one side, which is always Jimmy Buffett. So just a rotation. of Jimmy Buffett songs.

And then we have the city walk speakers on the other side. Which is just a whole mix of things. Sometimes it's salsa music. Sometimes it's EDM. It's just there was like accordion music in one place and like jungle beats in the other. And I was like, what is happening right now? I felt like my head was going to explode. It was way too much, Garrett.

This is. This world's worst mashup was way too much. It was haunting. It was like Jimmy Buffett is such a specific genre that mashing it in with other things just sounds insane. And trust me, it did sound insane. We were experiencing it and I was, my sanity was ticking down. I just felt it like, you don't want dubstep island vibes? No.

Wait until Jimmy Buffett drops that beat. It is sick. Yeah, it was way too much. Yeah, I think just having to go find our own tables, not having their seating. It was a lot. It equated to a net negative, and it's already just a store front. Like, we made an exception to go here. We knew it wasn't going to be full service, but we did have to settle this synabund debate that we have.

I got to go two thumbs down on atmosphere, largely due to the circumstances, but, you know, a table wouldn't kill you. Oh, and also the churro swirl and the cookies, like, they're not what brought you to the game, Cinnabon. Stop inventing. Okay, you've figured out the thing. You don't need to do more. You added caramel and pecan to your normal thing. That was great. That was an accomplishment.

You got two things. You changed the size of it with the minibon. Okay, I see that. People want to watch their calorie intake. Now you're going tiny with the bond bites. You're really pushing it. Yeah, it's a lot. You're doing too many things.

Two thumbs down on atmosphere. Get your act together, Cinebun. I'm honestly a little weirded out eating my Cinebon outside on a cold chair to some steel drums. Like, it was freezing as a hell, and it sounded tropical. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely messing with your mind. You're expecting like a luwow. Yeah, like sound temperature dissonance is hard.

Yes. So I would want to give this two thumbs down because my brain was just a giant. mess during this experience. Yeah. But it's not Cinnabon's fault. This was just, it's a storefront. They didn't offer an alternative. They did not.

I've seen Cinnabonds, like, mall Cinnabonds and airport Cinnabonds. They'll have just a little standing table outside. Maybe just one or two, but it's something. But no. I'm in a good mood. It's Cinnabon. Come on. Okay.

And it's Island Cinnabon. It's an interesting mashup that I also hate. Yeah, it's, it's city. Walk Sinabon. It's Citibon. It's Island a City Bonn. Yes. So what are you giving it? I'm giving this one thumb down. I love how you're like, I'm in a good mood. One thumb down. Yeah. You know what? I'm feeling nice. Yeah. One thumb down. And now a word from our totally not made up sponsor. Oh, hi there. It's your favorite sponsor job and I'm back. Here to help you calibrate the difference between what's good and what's bad. Did you say you're in a good mood and then give something one thumb down? Come to me and I'll show you what thumb rating. corresponds with the proper emotions.

Because this week, Job is an emotional support counselor. I'll help you with all the things, like proper motor skills. Oh, Job, how does my motor skill relate to my emotions? Well, if you're crying while operating a forklift, I'd argue that's going to be a lot of people's problem real quick. I've got a patented five-step system that's mostly showing you flashcards. And some have words on them that say emotions, and then the others have pictures of things you should be doing when you're feeling.

Feeling that emotion? It's also a great way to suss out sociopaths. So if you're worried that the things you're doing don't match the way you feel, call me. And I'll tell you how to be. And again, don't call me on a phone. I refuse to get a phone. Because one time I broke my fingernail in a rotary phone.

And it hurt like a bitch. Jump forgives, but he does not forget. Or forgive. Which is why I'm still suing the now defunct manufacturers of that rotary phone. Okay, I gotta go. I gotta get to the courthouse. Okay, bye. Court is back in session.

You know the one. The Food Court. Everything's Exhibit A-O-K in the Food Court. Court is now back in session. Your Honor. I would like to present Exhibit A. Garrett, can you read to me what this box says? Yes.

Crafted by Sinobon, many roles delivered by P. Pizza Hut. Sorry, can you just repeat? Crafted by who? Crafted by Sinabon. Thank you. It is crafted by Sinabon. Yeah?

You were sitting there arguing that it was just crafted by a Pizza Hut employee when the box is self. Objection. I never said it was crafted by employee. You said it was made by... Objection sustained. Continue, defendant. I do not disagree that this is crafted by Sinabon, but it is given to us at Pizza Hut by a Pizza Hut employee that doesn't make it their original concoction.

That distinction is the crux of this issue. Pizza Hut has its own dessert offerings, and the fact that we went with a Cinnabon product that came in a Cinnabon box that looks like Cinebon, and is literally a version of a product you can buy at a Cineabon is assonine. So you clearly say Pizza Hut did not heat this product. Pizza Hut did not serve this product. They had nothing to do with that. Objection, Your Honor. Stupid. Objection denied. Continue.

Continue, defendant. At Applebee's, this product was clearly. made by Applebee's employees given to us by our Applebee server and at the end of the meal our transaction was with Applebee's Obviously I don't expect a Cinebon worker to trudge over from the mall food court to go over and warm up our food at Applebee's I'm not saying that Cineban shouldn't be offered by Pizza Hut or by Applebee's or by Cheesecake Factory or any of the other places they license nor am I saying that I don't enjoy those things I like in a bun, like every red-blooded American. Because I am an American, Garrett.

And you're trying to take my Americanness from me. But when it comes to America, we believe in the founding principle of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And restaurant integrity. That is the fourth one that they don't often tell you about. Objection, Your Honor. He just made up that fourth tenet of our great American country. Untrue. Objection overruled.

Your Honor, can I bring up another piece of evidence? You may proceed. I have before you. Four Sinobon Bon Bites from Sinabon and 10 Pizza Hut Sinobon mini rolls. They are together in one tray. Could you identify them differently based on taste? May I proceed?

Yes, you may proceed. Objection. Bribing the judge. This is evident. I rule that they are delicious. It's just a little dry. And then one from the bottom. One from the bottom row?

Does it look the same to you? Yes. They're all pretty much. Rolls of dough with icing. That one was a lot better. I rule that that is also delicious, but way easier to go down. I object to the way this man stored the Cinebond in his refrigerator last night.

Look, I'll sustain that objection. I'm on your side on this one. You just have this empty sleeve in a paper bag. You don't seal the bag. You just put that into the fridge. I don't know, man. So it's open to the fridge air. It wasn't there that long.

Overnight. Overnight fridge air drying. It'll be fine. All right. So I've tried both of the synobons. The bonbibis and the synobon mini rolls. And what is your point, plaintiff? You were supposed to say that they taste exactly the same, but you said that's way better. And now it comes down to improperly stored evidence.

So I actually asked to strike this evidence from consideration. Request accepted. This is a kangaroo court. Define that for me. Do you even know what that means? Courts within the great continent of Australia. Nope, we are American. Garrett, you are un-American.

What? Okay. Look, you shot yourself in the foot by bringing up the poor refrigeration. That would have helped you. I moved to Unstrike Exhibit B from consideration and stored in some Tupperware. Hey, no, no, no, no. Oh, ha, blah, blah, ha, ab. Order in my courts.

Can I take your order in the board? Court. The food court. A trayful of justice in the food court. Court will now take a 10 minute recess. Service. Basically non-existent. Yeah, I didn't get anything out of this experience.

Good or bad. It was a 19-year-old kid. He forgot my water. Like, when that's the only part of the interaction we have other than you handing. Like, he had a positive attitude. He seemed. nervous when I asked him for the water that I paid for. Like, because I got a bottle because I knew we had to go.

There was nowhere to sit. So I was like, all right, I got to take a thing with me. And I was like, I get that water. And he was like, like, he literally gulped. And I was like, calm down, man. I'm not, I'm not the health inspector. Like, you're okay. You're okay.

I'm not going to torch them too much. But like, you know, no host, no waitress, no manager, no balloon animal maker. You know, the expected things of a dining experience. You know, no this, no that, no thumbs. I'm just going to go no thumbs. Everyone there was nice enough. Yeah. There was literally nothing that stood out to me about this experience.

Yeah. There were humans that gave us cinnamon rolls. Yeah. We gave them money. We left the store. End of transaction. That was it. It was a purely transactional thing.

So zero thumbs. Yeah. Easy. Food. Yum. All right, Garrett. Between us, we only got a few things. Yeah.

Now, before we go into it, I do want to talk about, I did a little follow-up Cineban thing, and I tried the churro swirl that I just rallied against telling them stop inventing. It's very solid. It comes with like a little frosting dip and you just kind of dip it in. It's a good little choro product. Yeah. So, like, good job, guys. Don't do that. But, I mean, look, everything they make is going to be a certain level of tasty, but you don't need it.

You're diluting the pool too much. So let's talk about what brought them to the dance. The classic cinnamon roll. Classic Cinnabon, right? This is what you got. This is what I got. I always get this. All 800 calories of it.

You and I kind of split both of each other's things. I'm just going to come around and say it. I don't think we got the best of the batch. No, no, we didn't. By the time we got to it, it was cold. It was cold, but it definitely wasn't hot. It wasn't what you want out of a Cinebond. Luke warm at best.

Yeah. It was hard, almost crunchy on the outside. Crunchy is not a word you want with your synobon. No, and that happens a lot. If you wait too long on a cinnabon, that outer edge is definitely, it's not like a cooked crisp. It's a stale crisp. It goes stale so fast. And it's like, I'm used to bringing them home.

I always microwave them before I eat them. And it solves that problem. Of course. At home, you know, and maybe jokes on us for not asking for that. But still like seven and a half out of ten. Yeah. Cineban knows what it is. They know how to do it well.

This was a bad Cineabon I got. Yeah. No, I agree. Yeah. It's still an 8 out of 10. Yeah. A good Cineabon? That's a 10 out of 10.

Like, it is. It just, it is. Now. Isn't it needed more frosting, I think, too. I'm going to say a good Cineabon is a 9.8 out of 10 because what I got to me is the 10 out of of this variation. The pecan bun. You just add some caramel to it.

You dice up some pecans. Throw them on top. It's an improvement to a classic Which I mean, hey, it's a risk It's a risk when you're when you're messing with classic You gotta stick the landing You got it They stuck the landing

That said, I could tell that this much like yours Wasn't fresh out the oven I'm still going 8 out of 10 on it And in a perfect world Like the best of these I've ever had That's a 10 out of 10 I think yours ended up a little fresher and softer than mine

Yeah The flavor of good caramel mapley goodness. And again, it was kind of stale. But still, it's nine out of ten. They're so good. It's so good. It's so taste.

Like, the, the worst version of them is just we're shoveling literal trash into our mouth and loving it. That's, look, if there's any sound bite that's going to sum up a synobon episode, it's, we're shoveling trash into our mouth and we love it. And then we got the middle. Ooh, yes. That was your call. Yeah. I saw it looked so good. I had to try it.

Mm-hmm. They sell just the middle. Yeah. It's a lie. It's not literally just the middle. Yeah. But, hey, it was still soft and gooey. It gets rid of that harder, staler edge.

And this one was still warm. This was the last thing I tried, but it kept its heat well. Yep. It was my highest rating of the three. It was an eight and a half out of ten for me. I also gave this an eight and a half out of ten. I liked the little extra granular sugar in it. It just, there was a nice texture thing to it.

And it tasted more cinnamony than the other one. as well. I really got that blast of, what was that word? Macarra, yeah. I could taste it. Now, I do have a gripe against when we shared your classic cinnabon. You offered me like the carapace, the synobon exoskeleton, you know, the opposite of the thing that they sell as a separate item. Like, if they sell just the centers, now that we know they're not actually just centers. Like, it would imply that there is just this discarded husk of synobon exteriors that nobody wants. And that's what you were generous enough to share with me. I just pushed it towards you. That's what you chose. That's all that was left. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. That was a really good

bad Cinnabon. Yeah. I mean, they're all good. But I mean, they're airport food. They are. They are. They are airport food. How often can you take a husk to the mouth and be like, man, I loved this. hated everything about what you just said. And I'm still going two thumbs up on the food, Garrett. Yeah. This was the absolute hands down worst synobon experience I have ever had in my life. Two thumbs up. You got to do it.

You got to do it. All right. Moving on, we got to rate this thing. But before we rate it, let's go to Yelp and see what other people are saying about it. In this week's Yelp from strangers. We need a little Yelp, a little Yelp, a little. Little Yelp from Strangers A one star, two star, three star, four or five

Y'i So get a little Yelp A little Yelp, A little Yelp from Strangers A little Yelp. Give us those complaints while you literally whine out GELP! All right, this is Yelp from Strangers, our segment where we read out our favorite

one, two, three, four, and five star Yelp reviews. Because a lot of people have some just weird things to say about the places we go to, Garrett. Just like all of the weird things we have to say. Yeah, honestly, we are kindred spirits, those people and us. But at the very least, we have better grammar. One star review. I want to start us off with a one star review from a guy named Dream B. And I really like to think that the B stands for big.

Okay. After two days in a row of being disappointed. Okay, I want to stop there. He went to Sinabon two days in a row because like first day, disappointment. Second day is like, I got to do this again. Yesterday wasn't satisfying. I'm going to expose myself to this thing twice. And he went to CityWalk twice just for this.

After two days in a row of being disappointed, I come to Yelp. And well, now I see others share my safe. feelings. Close this trash box down. I've never been to a Cinnabon location that didn't taste amazing. But this shit here, Pillsbury bullshit. How do you burn Cinebonds? It's 12 people back there. How do you all lose track of greatness? If you are looking for a classic Cineabon steer clear of this place, you're better off sprinkling cinnamon on a turd. Dream B, you are the poet that this podcast has been waiting for on Yelp. Oh, man, that tickled me.

Thanks, Dream. Two-star review. Now let's go to a two-star review. Hit me. From Frankie S. 11 months ago. Now, stay with me here. This is quite the novel.

Made the drive over and bought a 15 pack today. The whole batch is overcooked and dry. disappointing two stars. What I love about this is kind of the unspoken implication of bought a 15 pack today. The whole batch is overcooked and dry. Did he try one and go unsatisfactory next? Try it. Unsatisfactory.

Next. He just took one bite of all 15. And then what do you get? A pile of husks. He just dug into the center of it. each of them and chewed them out. That's actually kind of a good idea. Honestly, that sounds...

It's wasteful, but it sounds good. That's how you end up passed out on the back of a truck bed. If you'd like to hear the rest of our Yelp from Strangers segment, go on over to our Patreon, and we'll be posting all five of our favorite reviews there. You can find the link for that in the description

of this episode, or just go to patreon.com slash fine dining podcast. The judge has to Liberated in the Food Court. All rise for the Honorable Judge Jessa of the Food Court. Fort is now back in session. Everyone rise. Thank you. You now may be seated.

Evidence has been rejected into submission. Evidence was improperly stored, so therefore will not be utilized in the argument. Plaintiff, you may continue. I'd like to call the defendant to the stand, Your Honor. Defendant? To the stand, please. Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help you God?

I do. Okay, proceed. Garrett, we've been doing this for how long now. Almost a year. What is our mission statement, Garrett? I plead the fifth. You plead the fifth. That's convenient.

It is to find the most mediocre restaurant. Runt. Singular, not plural, not Pizza Hut plus Cinnabon, not Applebee's plus Cinebon, but just one singular place. Is it not that? Those are your words. Oh, well... You're the one that says them, you wrote them. It's funny that you say that, because it is not just my words. I would like to bring up Exhibit C! Plaintiff, proceed. Garrett, if you'll listen back to episode four, drunk boomers, affairs, and break. breakups at islands, fine burgers and drinks.

You took the liberty of introducing that episode. Is this not your voice? Hello and welcome to the Fine Dining Podcast, where we are in search for the most mediocre restaurant in America. I will say that does sound like my voice, but how do I know that it's not an AI-generated version of me? Garrett, you were there. Objection, Your Honor.

Objection sustained. please continue the audio recording and allow Garrett to introduce himself via the audio. That was clearly you. You said your name, you introduced yourself, you said the premise of the podcast, you said we're looking for a singular restaurant, not a restaurant hybrid. I rest my case. Okay, defendant, you may now return to your seat. I have one more witness I'd like to call. Proceed.

I bring you Exhibit D, the Pizza Hut. Reddit affidavit. Oh shit. According to expert witness, Pizza Hut GM and Reddit user U slash CEO CtL, the dessert in question arrives at each Pizza Hut

location frozen from the same distribution center that all ingredients and products for that very restaurant come from. So clearly, all of the food that is made at Pizza Hut comes from the same location on the same.

We don't know. Cineban can ship it to the place that they then load up the trucks. That doesn't mean that Cineban didn't send it to them in the first place. There is nowhere in the affidavit that mentions the origin of the Cineban product other than the Pizza Hut warehouse. With this evidence, it kind of puts a wrench in your argument plaintiff. Do you believe that whoever is selling the product holds responsibility over that food? I feel like when you say responsibility, yeah, to prepare it so we don't get food poisoning or anything like that.

But when it comes down to, did they come up with this idea? I want to know what is the creativity of a Pizza Hut? What are Pizza Hut's products? Are you rating that or are you rating the food itself? Can I jump in? Go on, defendant. Panda Express slash Panda in Invented Orange Chicken. So are we only allowed to rate orange chicken at Panda?

No, where the division comes is if a place has a cinnamon roll on their menu, that's fair game. Once the food has been invented, you can put your own take on it. The problem is you're bringing in the Cinebun branding and you're literally bringing it in Cinebun packaging. I believe we should experience the rest of the dessert menu before we get to Cinebun. Plaintiff, uh, your closing statement or argument. Your honor, the inclusion. The conclusion of Cinnibon branded desserts in our reviews of non-Cinnibon restaurants is a clear violation of our duty to provide fair and well-informed evaluation.

While these desserts may be delicious, they just have no place in our reviews and serve only to distract from the unique offerings of the restaurant we are evaluating. As hosts of this podcast, we have a responsibility to our audience to provide honest and accurate reviews. We must hold ourselves to a higher standard if we wish to maintain the trust of our listener. I urge you to rule in favor of fair, accurate, and on-topic reviews, and to ensure that our podcast continues to provide high-quality content that our audience deserves and grant an injunction against future Sinabon orders. Thank you, Your Majesty. Defendant? Yes.

Your closing statement and argument. Thank you, Your Honor. This is simple. We are here today to settle a case hinging on only three elements. The dessert was prepared by the restaurant, provided by the restaurant, and we paid the restaurant for the dessert. That's it. As far as I'm concerned, there's no question even in this case. This is a restaurant product.

Thank you, Your Honor. The judge will deliberate, and I will proceed with the ruling. My ruling is in favor of the plaintiff. He has proven that the Cineban product is its own separate entity and not an original food product of the restaurant, regardless of whether the food product has been bagged and sent off from the same distribution center as many other chain restaurants. It is not an original food. Court is now over. Well, there it is. The verdict of the food.

Court. Justice. Served. Food court. Boo. I'm appealing this ruling. Don't boo the judge. Well, all right, I'm going to drag out this appeal process and it'll be years before you taste another Cinebun, my friend.

Oh, I'm going to do it. I'll see you back in court. I will eat a Cineabon in front of your face. Not for this podcast you want. And I will share it with you because they taste great. They are very good. Judge, would you like some more Cineabon? love one more. It's kind of delicious.

Yeah. You're really good. I do like them. The yummy. Final rating. You know, I got to bring up a recent conversation yet again. Floors and ceilings. Cineban at its best, it's airport food. It's never going to be a 10 out of 10 restaurant. It's not. It can't be. It's a stand. It can't be, although it can have food that would be 10 out of 10 food. The food can be high reaching.

That doesn't mean the full experience does. You're waiting in a line. The sign has an outage. You're exposed to the elements. The high schooler handing you your Cinnabon gulps when he forgets your water. It's just there's a cap. No one's like, oh man, I've got the best restaurant recommendation for you. You've got to check this place out if you haven't.

It's called Cinebun. You go and it's over in 10 minutes. Like no one's selling you the dining. experience of Cinebun. They're selling you the bun. And that's okay. And that's what they're known for. It's okay.

But your airport food. They've got a ceiling and it's not that high. Cineabon, I'm going 4.05. You are mediocre, but barely mediocre. Garrett, what say you? I agree with you how there is definitely a ceiling for mall slash airport food. Yeah. These aren't fancy things.

This is just something that's going to kill us 10 years early. Yeah. This is America incarnate. Yeah. This is America food. Yeah. And America food is wonderful in small doses. But it's served in such large doses.

And I love that about our country. I do not. I do. Oh, my God. I want leftovers. I want to eat until I'm sick. But I want to eat until I'm sick inside where I'm sheltered from the elements. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to have to walk around to find a place to even sit down. Right. I don't want to be disinterestedly handed food by someone that doesn't care or honestly probably isn't paid enough to care. Sure. So this isn't a fancy experience. No, not at all. Best cinnamon rolls in the world, I'll tell you that.

Oh, yeah. I would be hard pressed to name a better one. So the cinnamon rolls pull this up out of the basement and salvage a 4.33. All right. So, Sinabon, going up on the Chochie of Mediocrity at 4.19. It did get within the 4 to 6 range, which means no, you must bowl challenge for next time. And it's better than Cheddar's. It's better than Cheddar's.

But it does mean there will have to be a next time. And as a result, we need to know where are we going to go. Let's do it. So we got to play The Headline Game. The rules of the headline game are as follows. Garrett will present three headlines to Michael that include this week's restaurant. They can be made up or they can be actual headlines. If Michael can correctly guess if at least two out of three or real or fake,

he will get to select next week's restaurant. However, if Garrett stumps him, he'll select again. Are you ready to play, fellas? I am prepared. Garrett, do you have headlines ready for me? Oh, I've got some headlines. All right, hit me. This first one is perfect for you.

Buns of rage, man-attack synobon worker over substandard order hits her with napkin dispenser. I'm gonna say true, only because I don't think you would have thought of the word substandard. So you're blaming my substandard vocabulary. Yes. Okay, next one.

State police find over 100,000 bags of fentanyl stored in Western Mass Cinebond. I'm going to say false because that is so much fentanyl. So, last one. Man pays $110 for someone to wait in Long Sydney Cineabon Q. Um, man, the state of the world makes me believe that, but it's also not an iPhone, which is the sort of thing people would pay. I don't know.

It's funnier to wait for a Cinnabon. I'm going to go with my heart and not my gut and say true. Okay. So the first one, Buns of Rage, man-attack Cinnabon Worker over Sub-Standard Order hits her with napkin dispenser. You said true. Yeah. And that is true. Ha-ha!

Oh, I knew it. Okay. Next one. State police find over 100,000 bags of fentanyl stored in Western Mass Cinnabon. Yep. You guessed false. That is indeed false. Okay.

Great. So I already get to pick. Now, the last one. Cherry on top, did I go three for three? You went three for three. Man pays $110 for someone to wait in long Sydney-Cinibon Q. And you said true, that is true. Hey.

It's worth it. Unstoppable, baby. I get the pick next time, Garrett. And you know what? You know what? What? We've talked about airport food so much with Cineabon. We're going to go to Planet Hollywood.

Okay. What does that have to do with an airport? You ask, the nearest planet Hollywood to us is in the Tom Bradley International Terminal at LAX, Los Angeles International Airport. Otherwise, we could go to Orlando, but I'm not doing that. We're going to an actual airport, and we're going to eat at their food court planet Hollywood location. Oh, God. So we're going to, like, the literal worst place in the city to eat. LAX, yes, we are going to bear the traffic.

We're going to bear the lines. That's terrible. Like, I'm at a 50% panic attack rate whenever I enter that place. Honestly, the freak out that you potentially could have is worth all of the white knuckling I'm going to be doing while driving in traffic. Last time I was there, I got in a shouting match with the cop. I believe that. So that'll be next time. Oh, God.

Why? Why are you doing this to us? Honestly, because I think it's so funny to go to an airport terminal as a food reviewer and then not fly out and leave. Just like go back to your car and go home. There are only two humans on this planet I will drive to LAX for. Well, get ready. I'll drive you. Thank you.

You're welcome. That is all for the fine dining podcast. If you agree with the results of our Sinabun Injunction lawsuit, go ahead and email us your thoughts, Fine Dining Podcast at gmail.com. If you have ever worked at a planet Hollywood and have any fun stories, go ahead and email us.

Hey, if you've ever worked in an airport, send us fun stories too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to hear all of those things. We want to hear from you. We're also considering doing a Q&A episode coming up sometime in the future. So if you have any questions for us

based on our past episodes, what we aim to do in the future, ideas, You know, things you just want to hear us do. Stuff like that. Yeah. Go ahead and email us those. So if any of those things apply to you, email us, find dining podcast at gmail.com.

We did not find the perfect five out of ten, but we're going to keep looking. We will see you all next time. Have a fine day. The search continues. We still need the perfect five. The search continues. Like and subscribe.

Search continues. Our journey did not conclude. The mother-repan search continues. Write us in iTunes Review. And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and make it five stars, huh? Come on. Follow us on TikTok,

the same on Instagram. All the socials. Dining Podcast We have a site Find diningpodcast.com Buy our t-shirts Then put them on

And don't forget You can always suggest where we go next Okay We're going to find it The search continue See Have a fine day