Getting Naked: The Podcast - Finding Home in Yourself

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Valerie sits down with author Najwa Zebian — a conversation she wasn't expecting to hit this deep, but honestly, could've gone three hours. They dig into people-pleasing, building a home inside yourself instead of in other people, and why healing means letting go of who you had to be to survive. Najwa opens up about growing up in Lebanon, moving to Canada alone at 16, and how teaching a classroom of young refugees years later became its own kind of healing. They also get into boundaries, being defined by your worst moment instead of your whole story, and Najwa's new book, The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You, out August 25th. Stick around for the full reveal, where Valerie gets real about a moment she's never quite let go of — one her son witnessed, and one Najwa gently pushes her to finally sit with.

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Subject to eligibility requirements. If gambling is affecting your mental health or well-being, 211 Alberta is here to help. Call or text 211 or visit ab.211.ca. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with the Alberta iGaming Corporation. Standard message and data rates may apply. We just had a conversation on getting naked that I wasn't expecting to take. I should have probably been expecting this turn because this author is flipping incredible. I started following her on Instagram years ago and I had never like not loved it.

Nezschezabian, the one who broke you can't heal you is her new book out in August. And we had the most incredible conversation. It could have gone on for hours. In fact, I want it to go on for hours. I want to pick her brain some more. But, um, coming in and, um, see what we talked about. I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was.

Look at all that flavor we packed into chicken breasts. I love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering, where's my show? This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno pepper.

Oh my God. It's so good. Yes, I'm back. And I am cooking. for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Nal Vals cooking. Guess what we're to make right now? We're alive. Hi, everybody. How are you? You have to go to Valerie's Place. That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again.

I'm dancing. That's how good it is. So head to Valerie's place.com and go ahead and sign up. You guys are the original members, and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time. Before we get into today's podcast, keep your eye open for the full reveal. That is for Valerie's Place members only. So if you want to become a member, you can go to Valor's Place.com and sign right up. And you will get the full reveal. And I'm really glad you're here because I have a cast on the show today that kind of saved me back in, I want to say, when did your last book come out? the only constant came out in 2023, but Welcome Home came out in 2021.

Wow, it did. Oh, and I got that after. Okay. Well, Welcome Home saved me for a little bit. And it was actually the first time that I, let me just introduce Nosevozavian. Thank you so much for being here. You talk so eloquently about, and correct me if I'm wrong, it's kind of like saving yourself. Yes. making a home inside yourself, not in other people. And it literally did save me. And it turned my brain around as a people pleaser to start focusing on internal things. Yes.

And not building your home outside of yourself. And it is a safer place to where then you can experience other people once you start really finding your grounding and your home in yourself. Yes. So tell me a little bit about your backstory. And I found you online. I found you and started following you immediately. You have this beautiful way about you that is so calming and so, and you, it's like you hear people, because you've probably been through some shit yourself.

I have. Yeah. So please start. Tell me a little bit about your backstory. Yeah. So I was born and raised in Lebanon, and I moved to Canada when I was. 16 years old. And I remember growing up living with multiple relatives in different homes. And so I was always at the mercy of, you know, whose house am I going to be at? Who's going to be taking care of me?

So I was always the good girl. You know, I was the student in school where my principal would take me up during the morning lineup and say, I want everybody to be like her. Like I was the perfect kid. The perfect child, yeah. Yes. The Golden Child. Yes. But that came with a price of constantly scanning the environment for what I needed to be and what was available to me so that I would earn whatever love or care or consideration I was going for. So I started writing in a journal when I was 13 years old to kind of document how I'm feeling because I felt like I didn't have anyone when I came home that was a consistent person to talk to about my day. I had to deal with everything on my own. And so, you know, when you don't have someone to tell you there's nothing wrong with you, but you're going through so much, you think it must be me. I'm the cause of all the pain I'm experiencing. Right.

And to go through that at such a young age. Or even how to help manage your emotions because some of them can be so complicated and uncomfortable, especially at a young age. And if you don't have anybody to help you even model what it is to manage emotions or to get through them. Yeah. Or to have someone tell you you're getting bullied at school, that's terrible. What I got told was, well, you're very mature. Like, you know they're insecure, you know there, and you can handle it.

So, but where do I go with all this pain? Right. So then you have to act like you can handle it even though internally you're like going. This doesn't feel good. I have to live in a way that's like let them, you know? I have to live in a way that's like, let them do whatever they want to do and that is who they are. But it's like, I always give this analogy, if someone stood behind your back and figuratively

backstabbed you. but imagine it literally. Mm-hmm. I can say you did this because that's who you are, but I still have a knife in my back. It still hurts. It still hurts. But to be taught that just because you understand where someone is coming from

and where their pain that they're aiming at you is coming from, that means you shouldn't be as hurt, that is really bad training from a very young age. So my journal was the place where I spilled all these things. thoughts and then I moved to Canada at 16 and felt so... That's a hard age to move. Yeah, on my 16th birthday. Oh.

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Get tickets now. Yeah, I'm like, this is my birthday celebration. Wow. So I get... 16. It's such a big deal, and it's such a really challenging age. Yes. Wow.

Yeah. So I ripped up my journal that summer because I felt like at least I know. I knew what my situation was like. I knew where the friends that treated me badly, I knew how to handle them. I was familiar with the chaos. But here I was joining my family that had already been in Canada for a while.

I'm the youngest. And I felt like a stranger to them. And I felt like I was just expected to go on with my life in this new country where just because I'm good at school and I can just go to school. school and only care about school. It doesn't mean I don't have a life outside of that. But I felt like I started living life in black and white, ripped up my journal. I'm like, I never want to

feel again because feeling, yeah, because feeling reminded me of how helpless I was. Like I could feel the pain, but at 16, what can I do about it? Nothing. Yeah. Right? You look to the people around you are older than you. So fast forward, six years. I went through university, became a teacher. my very first teaching assignment was a group of six, eight Libyan refugees. The principal walks in with them and he goes, these are your responsibility for the rest of the year. But in this moment, I looked at them and I saw 16-year-old me. Yes. Who's in this new place.

I'm tearing up thinking about it. Who's in this new place thinking, what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. You could have used you. Yes. At that time. And I'm like getting the empath in me came out for them. And so I started writing short snippets to motivate them and be like, you do belong here.

You're okay. You're enough. There's nothing wrong with you to have been forced to be displaced to a new country because of a war that's happening where you are. And I realized as I was healing them, I was healing 16-year-old me. Yeah. So that's where my journey began. What a blessing. Right.

Wow. Yeah. So you were able to start healing that at such a young age. I mean, I'm just trying to heal all of that inner child, little girl that never was heard now in my 60s. And it's, I'm grateful that I get to do it. I don't, but it's not easy. And I think of all the years, I don't like to think of all the years. I missed and did the wrong things because I was, you know, that little girl just,

wanted to be heard. Yes. But I think you should have some compassion for yourself and some grace because you didn't know you were doing something wrong at the time. I was surviving. You were surviving. Even if something inside of you was screaming at you saying, you're abandoning yourself. You're betraying yourself. You're like, but what's on the line is this person loving me. And I don't want that to go. So it's okay. I'll abandon myself a little bit. I know how to do that. I'm so good at it and so good to that it got to a point that by the time I completely abandoned

myself just a few years ago because I, for someone, and I started to really realize, oh, this doesn't feel good anymore. Abandoning myself felt normal. Yes. And then the last go-around in love, I guess, because it's, it's, And now I, looking back, I know it wasn't love. It was limerence and it was, you know, love bombing and gaslighting and all that stuff. And I'm always looking for other words because I hate the way love bombing and gaslighting have been put into the lexicon in a way that they almost don't mean anything anymore.

Yeah. Like how do we talk about this experience that we have this so incredibly uncomfortable and heartbreaking and soul crushing and just give it a name gaslighting and love bombing? I wish there was something else I could call it. but those are the most appropriate words. But then that is what you went through, you know. Just because you hear somebody else with a much smaller, you know, they went through something for two weeks and they start calling it love bombing or gaslighting. You're like, no, that doesn't happen actually over a period of two weeks.

Like you realize that the love bombing took place for a while and the gaslighting was happening. Or I'm sorry to interrupt you. No, it's okay. Or you're so thirsty for any kind of love that it feels intoxicating to have somebody tell you things that you didn't believe about yourself, but you thought might be true. Yes. And to have them telling you that feels intoxicating. I felt like I was drunk for a few months or even until it got like bad. Yes.

But I, oh, God, I never want to feel that way again. I told my therapist, I said, I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel those butterflies because the butterflies, I know butterflies lead to pain, or at least that's been my experience. And I don't want to feel them. So I work so hard to, if I do feel something for someone, I'm not going to feel butterflies for them. I'm going to look for any ick that I can pull out because I don't trust. And I also don't like that.

I think the pendulum is swung too far the other way. I need to find a place where I trust to a certain extent without opening my heart fully. But I never ever, I have a tattoo so that I don't close my heart. Because I want to keep it open. What does the tattoo say? It says keep your heart open. I love that so much. It's an open heart.

And I try to remember that, but I also, there's a protection. And I know you went through some really difficult love relationships, yes? I know you've talked about them online. Yes. But what I like the way you talk about them is you talk about the healing part of them. Yes. And it's not about demonizing the person, which I don't ever want to do. I want to talk about my healing.

Yes. And how that came about so that that can help other people. A person can be a terrible human being. They could have been a narcissist. They could have gaslighted you. They could have loved bombed you. They could have completely eroded yourself worth. That could be true, right?

But it does you no good to your own healing to stay fixated on proving that that's who they are. Right? Yes. We get stuck in the how could they do that? And look at this thing he did or look at this thing she said. and you want the validation from the people listening that, yeah, that was so terrible. Or even a person that did you. Yeah.

Like I remember writing a short letter and listing the things that were so hurtful because I didn't, I thought if I write this down eloquently enough, then they'll understand how hurtful this behavior was. And so I sent it to them and they took that, they called me and they said, you've just declared war. I'm like, wow. What? No, I want you to see so that we can come to an agreement of how we can treat each other. And I'm like, this isn't war. I'm really just want you to see what's happening. And I'm like, then I knew.

Yes. I knew. Okay. Someone who doesn't want to take accountability is going to see you holding up a mirror to them to show them their behavior as how dare you show me who I actually am. I'm not that. They're so in denial of who they are and how terrible they could be, they would rather look at a wall instead of a mirror. And you held up a mirror that said, look at what you did and look at how you hurt me. And I did it in a way of like, so let's see if we can get past us.

Because you've definitely told me everything that I need to change about myself and I'm doing my best. Yes. So let me tell you so that we can come to an even. No. Yes. But a person who's wrong for you, right? A person who's toxic for you is always shining the light on you and your behavior. They want you to believe you are the problem because that's the only way the relationship will continue is you are trying extra hard to prove yourself to them while they sit back and do nothing.

And you're slowly killing yourself. The moment, yes, the moment you open your mouth and say, hey, that thing you did really hurt me. They look at you and they say, why are you raising your voice so much? And why are you bringing this up right now? You know, I had such a terrible day. Well, you know that I did that because of your behavior. Yeah. You made me.

You did. Yeah. So we're never going to acknowledge my feelings. There is no winning with somebody who's toxic to you. The only way to win is to completely cut that cord. I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. that flavor we packed into chicken breasts.

Love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering, where's my show? This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno popper. Oh my god.

It's so good! Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Now Vow's cooking. Guess what we're gonna make right now. We're alive. Hi, everybody. How are you?

You have to go to Valerie's place. That's where you can see. see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again. I'm dancing. That's how good it is. So head to Valerisplace.com and go ahead and sign up. You guys are the original members and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time. You're going to love the one who broke you can't heal you. Yes. It's another thing. Yes. Like, you know, you can't build your house and home in someone else. And you can't expect them to heal you.

No, the one who broke you. I can't wait to read this. You're getting an advanced copy, August 25th. Please. Yeah. You have to pre-order. If you want this book, you must pre-order. Pre-orders are very important to authors.

They are, yes. And so please pre-order this. But you're going to love this. So everything you were saying where you're like, I'm talking to them. Because I want them to help me find a path to, like, peace. And I feel like you will relate to this, even though this is our first conversation ever. But have you ever found yourself prefacing, texting someone or saying something to them by saying, I'm not trying to make you feel like you're a bad person.

Yes. This isn't about you. This is just behavior. You're not a bad person. I just would like to let's take a look at this behavior. Yes. Yeah. Their solution to the problem isn't to actually fix the problem.

It's to have the problem go away. That's it. That's their solution. So you're looking at a knot, right? I always bring this with me. If I were to make a knot in this, you're like, this is a problem, you know, you cheated on me, or maybe you disrespected me, you humiliated me. And that caused a knot in our relationship.

Like, this is the bond that holds us together. And I think that what we should do is unravel this. Yeah. But they look at you and they say, but is it really that bad? And then they do it again and again. And again and again, before you know it, you have this big knot. And they're like, you're not the person I met. I can't be with someone like you.

Like, let me break you and your idea of who you are, your understanding of the core of who you are. Let me distort that so much that by the end, you don't even focus on yourself anymore. And I can look at you and say, this is not the person I fell in love with. I don't want to be with. I want somebody who's strong and confident.

And you're like, but I was like that when you first met me, right? Yeah. And I am that way, but you only see the side of me that is emotionally volatile. And because I try so hard to get you to understand where I'm coming from, and instead of you understanding or putting the effort to see me as a human, you're making my expression the problem. So it's like they're putting you in a soundproof room and you're screaming through the door trying to get them to hear you. And they look at you and they see how much pain you're in, but they don't want to hear you.

It was like every time I would cry, like they would get colder. Like who does that? If you're crying, I just want to hold you. Oh, God. Someone who likes to see you suffer gets pleasure out of seeing that. They can, again, it's like putting a mouse in a little, you know, glass, see-through box where the mouse can see the outside and they try to get out, but they can't. And they love to see you squirm.

Yeah. That's what they do to you. But let me say this, because I remember once I was telling my therapist, I feel like this person hates me so much. And she said to me, I have to stop you. Because I was saying things like, I could never understand the cruelty. I could never understand how I could be in so much pain. And you're looking at me with a smirk or with a complete what is going on with you.

Something's wrong with you. I felt like he hated me. And my therapist was like, I need to stop you. He didn't hate you. He hated himself. And when somebody hates themselves, they can't step into. to your story and see how much they're hurting you because they can't even step into their own story

and see how much they're hurting. They just know they're suffering. And see, when I hear that. It's easy to blame the other person while they're suffering. Exactly. It's easy to say, how dare you make me suffer more by bringing up something that I actually did?

You're making me feel worse about myself because again, you're holding up a mirror, Healthy relationships hold up a mirror where you see the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. But that person is holding up the mirror is telling you, but I love you with all of that. But they don't want to see themselves in the mirror. They want to see the projection they see in your eyes as a result of the way they present themselves to you. That's why at the beginning they're amazing. And they love BOMU.

And I just recently came up with this new term. sometimes they love Hiroshima you, not just love bomb you. In a way where you will never be the same after them. Yeah. They have... If I see even a speck of love bombing, I'm like, nah. Yes. Nah.

Yeah. You're like, that's too much. When it really could be that someone is loving you the way you love, right? Yeah. You would never take, for example, you would never give somebody love. out of I want you to be attached to me. You give love because you're a loving person. Yeah.

So what if a new person- And the last thing you want is to have someone attached to you. You want to be able to exist, coexist, in a way that you enjoy the dance, but you're not attached. Two in five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, joined thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk.

Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. Attached. Yes. I'm going to give you, I actually wrote about this in, the one who broke you, can't heal you, because I used to always say you detach from yourself when you attach to somebody. else, like don't get attached to people.

But I changed that over time. Yeah? One of our core human needs is to be attached, not just as an infant, but as an adult as well. There is no way for you to build a connection with someone without some level of attachment. But it's not the toxic attachment that's like you can't go anywhere without me. Yeah. I use this a lot because it's like if I'm this person and this is the person I'm with, I'm chasing them or you're always chasing me.

Or if I get close to them, they pull away. Or if they get close to me and I get close to them, they're like, no, this is too much for me. Attachment in a way that allows you to be attached and free. Yes. Attached and free. I can come to my safe home base that I've built with you. So in Welcome Home, I talked about building a home within ourselves. The biggest mistake we make is that we build our home.

homes in other people. And we put all of our kindness and love and empathy in that home. And we forget to fill this home. Yeah, but knowing, I'm going home to that at the end of the day. But then what do you do when that person walks away? You give someone the power to make you homeless when you make them their home. So in the one who broke you can't heal you, there's a whole chapter on how to build a home with someone. So if I build a home with you, we are attached. We are. We're not, there's no such thing as you're your own person and I'm my own person and and if you can't live with that, then you're insecure. No, no, no. Secure relationships require a secure base where I know I can take my distance from you, but I can come back to you and you're

going to embrace me. I can do my own thing and trust that you're not over there behind my back, checking out other people, cheating on me, humiliating me behind my back. You can trust that your character's being respected because you have character. Yes. Yeah. So now I say, be attached to the right people. Yeah. Because I'm thinking all of my girlfriends, my son, my brothers, my daughter-in-law, my

sister's in law, I'm like, I'm attached to them in a way, but I also, they have their freedom. Yes. But yet there's a communication that happens with people that you're attached. to but yet have freedom. I love that. But we live in a world right now where it's like, especially when it comes to romantic relationships where it's like don't get too close. Like what are all these expectations? I want to be free. And it's like if you want to be free in the sense that I want to be in a relationship with someone, but I don't want to have any, I don't want to have any responsibilities

and I don't want anyone to hold me as to a certain expectation. That's not free. that's immaturity. Well, I want a soft place to fall. And I want to be that soft place to fall for someone, which means that there's a safety, there's an emotional safety that you feel with someone that you know that you can say almost anything. I mean, you still have to be respectful,

but you want to be able to be your most authentic self with someone. And I want someone to be their most authentic and not have to feel like they have to hold something back with me. Yes, exactly. And so just like attachment is one of our core human needs as adults as well, because people always think, oh, but it's only when you're a child because you literally depend on people to take care of you. And it's like, no, like this is research. Dr. Gabor Matte talks about it. One of our core adult human needs in relationships is attachment. And another one is, the ability to be authentic. And so what happens is when we find that the price of being attached to someone is our authenticity,

so I can't be authentic in order for you to love me, then I'm willing to leave my authenticity at the door so that I remain attached to you. But that's not a healthy attachment. That's a recipe for you, forgetting who you are. Again, it's with the end.

analogy of the home. It's like, I need to have a home with you where I don't stand at the front door and right before I walk in, I take my true self off and walk in as the version you want me to be, the only one that's welcome, the quiet one, the one that never brings up issues, the one that doesn't communicate, the one that always has a smile on their face and says, whatever you want will happen. If that's the only version of you that's welcome, that's a very person. That's a very toxic bond. It's a very toxic relationship and you don't want that. But when you're healthfully attached to somebody, you're excited to walk through that door. You don't think, okay, let me present myself in the way they want me to see me. You don't do that. Now, and I see that a lot with,

I mean, I see it with my brothers and their wives. I see it with my son and his wife and I see it with other people I know that are married. I see that healthy attachment. They are independent people, but they are attached to one another in a way that is healthy. Yes. Like there's a trust there. There's an unspoken bond and a trust that is quite lovely, actually. And that's what you want. Yeah.

But again, when you love Hiroshima, even after that person is gone, somebody comes in, there's still rubble and remnants of who you used to be where you're like, I never want that to happen again. So show me all your cards from day one. And the moment you mess up because you're human, I'm going to look at you and say, well, I've seen that sign before. So that's not going to work.

So I think that you have to have a level of grace for yourself and compassion. And for others. And for others. But I mean, specifically in your case where you're saying like the littlest red flag, I'm like, no, but I really do want love. You know? And so don't be hard on yourself in the way that you're so critical because you're trying to protect yourself from something really terrible that happened. But it's over. But it doesn't matter that it's over. It's over in the literal factual sense. But is it over in your body? Yeah. Oh, that's what I want some of you to take away from this podcast is that because there is,

there is something that happens when you've gone through a traumatic, abusive, emotionally, verbally situation that happens. And mine just really recently ended a few months ago. And without even speaking to them, like the, the smear campaign lasted for over a year. And it finally ended. And I knew not to say anything. I knew to just watch it. And then I kind of like took some acting from my 50 years of acting, and I said, okay, look at this like a character study. You're watching this person do these things and pull yourself out of it. Yes, it's painful. It really flippin' hurts. But watch what's happening.

You do not have to defend yourself. The people that love you, love you. And this is what I want people to take away from this. If that's happening, don't say anything. don't defend yourself, let it go. And it's interesting that it stopped the day after my book came out because it was like, I think they were worried that I was going to talk about them in the book, and I didn't. I talked about, again, the way, this way I love the way you write your books.

It's about healing. It's not about demonizing the other person. You really do want to heal and teach other people how to heal. So that's what getting naked is about. That's what the one who broke you can't heal you is about. but so I'm four or five months out of this smear campaign and I have noticed that I was able to kind of cut off my feelings to the to as much that I as I could so that I wouldn't react and now I find the echoes of it and like the pain of it and I'm trying to get through that and I

know there's other people that have been through really difficult challenging times and they think Ah, okay, I'm through it. Okay, haven't heard from them. And then you're going to, there's going to be some flashbacks. Oh, absolutely. It's like whip flash. Yeah. What can we do?

What can we do with those flashbacks and reminding ourselves that we are whole human beings and that it's over? Yes. And we can move forward. The first thing I'll say is if the poison of pain took time to enter you, it will take. First of all, that's poetic. The poison of pain took that time to enter you. It will take time to leave you. Even when you think it's gone.

Even if the person who was pumping you with poison is no longer doing that, you still have to cleanse your system from everything that they injected into you. The self-doubt, the manipulation, the making you doubt yourself, the gaslighting, the insecurity, accusing you of being insecure. for having basic human needs to be respected and communicated with. And so it will take time. Have you ever been in a situation where you're in a room and somebody walks in and you're like, right?

Yeah. There is no danger. You know the person. Yeah. But that's your body reacting to a danger from the past that in the moment it didn't process. So you have to be gentle with your healing process and not expect just because that relationship is over and that person isn't, you know, the head of the smear campaign anymore and they're not trying to bring you down that you should be okay. There's certain medications that we put in our

bodies that they tell you, you are not allowed to get pregnant for six months after you get off this medication. Because even though you're not taking it every single day anymore, it's still in your body. So even though you're not in a relationship with that person anymore, you're not in contact with them anymore, there will be a period of time where your body, your soul, your mind is being cleansed from them. The rumination that you were going through when you were with them, where you're always on edge and what are they going to do next and you're constantly on hyper alert. Oh, it's still, to this day, I hear a certain text sound and I'm like, I've taken it off my phone, but I heard it in the wild at the wall. I'm like, you have a visceral. You have a vis-

Yes. Like it frightened me. Yes. Certain text sound. Yes. And that doesn't mean that you're not over it. It doesn't mean that you're not healing. It doesn't mean that you take you.

Because I feel so strong otherwise. Exactly. And that's what you need to tap into. So one thing that has really helped me, and I wrote about this and the one who broke you can't heal you, is remind yourself, this is not happening right now. We're just saying that. It's like you're speaking to the character that exists, that you had to be to. to exist with them, to survive with them and say, this is not happening right now.

I'm safe. I'm okay. I'm lovable. I'm safe as actually a very strong two words to say to yourself sometimes. Yes. I am safe. I can offer myself the safety that I never felt with them. And so it brings you back to yourself.

It snaps you back into your energy, your confidence. because when you were with somebody who was that toxic, they worked really hard on making a crack in your foundation so that you're constantly feeling unsteady and unstable, and I don't know who I am. And maybe if I look different, if I get a new hairstyle, if I do this, you start looking for external things to make you feel strong and confident, anything but I know who I am.

And so when they're no longer there, you need to remind yourself, I know who I am and I know what I am able to offer myself. Yeah. What I needed was safety at that time and what I need right now is safety and I can literally give that to myself. Right. So you have to. You can too. And I really want people to take this with them that you can give yourself safety in that current moment, especially when that first you got to get out. Yes.

But you must get out. But I think you can give yourself that safety. And I think what that year-long or year-and-a-half-long, Smiric campaign really taught me, and I'm so grateful for it, is that it really, truly doesn't matter what someone else who I don't know thinks about me, what someone else believes about me.

It really doesn't matter because the people that I love. I love myself. For the first time in decades, I actually like myself. I know I'm a good person. I know that I did my best. I know that I will always continue to do my best. I know that I also can be jealous and can be petty and can be, I have a lot of flaws. But who isn't? Right, right. Who isn't? As long as I keep an eye on them. Yeah. You know, so I'm not perfect. Now, we're near perfect. I am so imperfect. But that's also part of my charm. And I would take that and I would let people explore that about themselves. Like, you know, think about the things that you. Think about the things that you. You might think, you know, like, yes, you can be petty, but do you really, like, you can be petty in your brain, but as long as you don't hurt somebody, you're okay with that. You can be jealous, but you can also be happy for someone's success. Absolutely.

Those are normal human emotions, and we're going to go through that range of emotions. And I'm not somebody that you probably could imagine getting angry. No, you look so calm, and you look like you breathe and breathe through everything. I'm sure you have difficulties in your life. So I have yelled at people. Yes. I have told people off. I have responded to somebody who told me go fuck yourself.

What did you say? You go fuck yourself. But see, when you look at me at first glance, you're like, you don't feel those emo. Like, I can't see you being angry and upset. You're like so zen. Right? And I am. Yeah.

But push me to a. a limit and I will break, not because something's wrong with me, but because I'm a human being. Right. So I always tell this to people who are really hard on themselves when they think back to how they became in a certain relationship. And they're like, I became overly jealous and overly insecure. And I was hyper aware of like, where are they and are they lying to me? And I'm like, I'm embarrassed by it. Like, I'm embarrassed about who I was two years ago. Why are you embarrassed by it? Because I was just, I was blindsided and I was, I just, I didn't like my behavior. I just don't, I like, I, I tried too hard.

I, I, I fell, I just, I wasn't logical. I, I, I know that I'm emotionally, like, logical. And yet I let my emotions override me because I was so scared that someone was getting the wrong impression of me. And I, like, I can't be in control of what impression somebody gets of me. Yes. So I finally learned that, but I'm still a little embarrassed. I'm trying to think if I feel shame about it. Okay. Because I think shame is a much stronger thing that is something that we, you know, need to definitely work on because that's not something you want living inside your soul. No. I think the only, probably the shame that I feel is,

is what happened to my sons in my relationship because of it. But we're good, so I need to, like, let it go. Well, I don't know how to. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar-raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer.

Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. Don't say I need to let it go. I know that's hard to say, to hear somebody telling you, don't say I need to let it go because you're like, but I do. And it's been long enough and I need to let it go. And it's like, there's a reason you haven't let it go. There's a reason. I actually asked myself the other day, I said, what is this doing for you, Valerie? Yeah. Why aren't you letting this go? What is it doing for you? And I don't know.

It might not be doing something for the whole of you. It might be doing something for a part of you that needs some level of control over a narrative that needs some level of, we can't let anybody know this about us because if they do, then they're going to see me a certain way. and so it really is a part of you that's blocking the way for you to cut that cord because it's like, but I'm too scared, I'm too afraid. What will happen if I just don't attach that part of my identity to that story? And I don't know what the story is, but the one question that came to mind when you said I'm embarrassed, are you embarrassed of your behavior? or are you embarrassed through other people's eyes looking in at your behavior? Why don't we wait until the full reveal for me to talk about that?

That's an excellent question. But I feel like this is a ridiculous, like, therapy session. No, this became a therapy session. I wanted to find out about you, Nezsche. So, yeah, so we'll be back for the full reveal if you want to, part of the, if you want to view the full reveal, you're going to have to go to Valerie's Place.com and sign up and become a member. Okay, thanks. We'll be right back. I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. Look at all that flavor we

packed into chicken breasts. I love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering, where's my show? This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno pauper. Oh my God. It's so good. Yes, I'm back. and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Now Vow's Cooking. Guess what we're going to make right now.

We're alive. Hi, everybody. How are you? You have to go to Valerie's Place. That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you.

I'm glad I finally get to do it again. I'm dancing. That's how good it is. So head to Valerie'splace.com and go ahead and sign up. You guys are the original members, and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters.

On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. Thank you.