Getting Naked: The Podcast - Rediscover Yourself

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Who would you be if nobody told you who you were? Do you listen to your inner a**hole? What would it take for you to step out of your “safe bubble”? Valerie unpacks vulnerability, shame, love and more with bestselling author of the books “Proof of Life” and “Being Human” and radical workshop leader Jennifer Pastiloff, who insists “you are never lost.”

Welcome to Getting Naked, the podcast. Today, I have a very special guest with me. She is a dear friend of mine. And it was a really, really fascinating, awe-inspiring, hopeful conversation all about Proof of Life, her book, which is so good. You please, please, you must get it. I'm telling you it will improve your life. Okay, so stay tuned. We have a lot to talk about.

I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. that flavor we packed into chicken breasts. Love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering, where's my show? This is so dang delicious.

Smells divine. That's a jalapeno popper. Oh my god. It's so good! Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Nal Vow's cooking. Guess what we're gonna make right now.

We're alive, hi everybody. How are you? You have to go to Valerie's place. That's where you can see. see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again. I'm dancing. That's how good it is. So head to Valerie'splace.com and go ahead and sign up. You guys are the original members and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to Getting Naked, the podcast. I'm super excited today because I have a dear friend here who is joining me and she wrote an unbelievable book. I mean, it's not unbelievable when you know her. But I want to tell you a little bit about how I met her. I did a movie over the summer called Love Again. And it was a super scary experience for me because I was acting for the first time in over four years. And it was a very vulnerable role. Henry Chirney plays my husband and Will McCormick plays my love interest. I know, right? So Henry Chirney, who I met the first day on set, he, showed up and did the most heartbreaking scene I was blown away.

And he showed up with this amazing woman named Jennifer Pasteloff. And she wrote a book. She's written a couple books. But this was the book that I had just ordered, pre-ordered, and it is out now. And I encourage every single one of you to get this book. If you've read my book, this is a perfect companion book to it. And even if you haven't read my book, please read this book.

I have been reading it the last few days, three days. And I have to tell you, I have gone to bed reading it and woken up reading it. And I find myself in the absolute best mood. It's heartbreaking. It's encouraging. It's life affirming. It tells your inner asshole to shut the hell up. And I love everything about this woman.

Welcome. Please welcome. Jennifer Pestala. Thank you. Those of you that don't know who I am, which would probably be everyone, I read lips. I'm deaf. And so, you know, I was looking at your mouth, beautiful mouth. Thank you.

That's so, I will never not be humbled and in awe and just so grateful when someone says they read my book. And I'm always stupefied. Like, what? Your book is so, so good. And I'm only halfway through it. But there's a, there's a few things. And I mean, I've taken my thing. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. But there's a few things I want to get to immediately.

You have this glossary of amazing sentence. Thank you for acknowledging that. I took a risk, you know, with my publishers and I said, I want to do a glossary in the front. And it's all my genisms. I love your genisms. I really, I was proud because it's risky. It's weird. Weird's a huge compliment. I call my beloved's weirdos and it's wacky. but, you know, I have to use things that land for me, and I have to have humor. If something's too self-serious, it just... All the time. Well, especially when we're going through difficult things. The humor is the only thing that gets us through.

Yes, because it's like, you know, otherwise it's so self-serious and navigazia. Oh, and it's just so wallowing and, I mean, it's okay. We all go through shit. Everyone does. All of us. But when we find the humor and when we find the lightness in it and when we find the lesson in it, and when we find our heart sight, this is, I love, because, I've always called it my intuition that I ignore all the time.

And you talk about ignoring that and ignoring your heart sight. And I love putting it into the heart. I think it's better than intuition. And it's interesting because that was like a happy accident. You know, in my bio, I hate bios because I find them to be so like, this is who I am. Aren't I with something now? No, no, I like bios because we all want to know a little bit more about everybody that we're with. You know, it's the whole thing with proof of life.

Like, you know, you don't need proof or, oh, here, I'm worthy now, or, or proof that you get to exist or be happy or have love or whatever it is. But bios, you know, for me, especially because I accidentally dropped out of college with one year left at NYU. And I always, you know, wanted to be literary and seen as a certain way. And I felt less than. And but also it's like a bio can't sum me up. So now my bio is basically like, Jenna's deaf. She's written two bestsellers. She reads lips, mishears everything.

What she hears is funnier. At least she thinks so. So a lot of things I hear are, I end up writing poems about it or like the quote unquote wrong thing. But they're really interesting. And heart sight was an accident. I was thinking about our tendency, I think, to like look back and evaluate our past. And I was like, what do we get from that? Is it insight?

Is it? And then all of a sudden, heart. site. I was typing and I think it auto correct or something and I was, I love that. You know, happy accident. But that's what it is, right? Because if when we let our hearts

I think make decisions more than our head, which can lie to us so many times. Absolutely. I mean, there's still a care, you still have to be careful, you have to figure out, you know, and you talk so beautifully and eloquently about leading

with your heart because of the love that you know you so desperately deserve and that that that energy that love gives you. So my brain knows that most days and yet and yet, right? And so I still like, you know, it's like an eating disorder or drinking or whatever. It's like always there on your shoulder, at least for me. And it's like, okay, hush, hush. So yes, I know I deserve and we all do. I'm not more deserving. No, no, no. a thing of proof of life. And yet some days I forget and I still feel like a piece of poo or, you know. But you even talk about that in your book. Oh, yeah. About how, and I talk about a little

bit in my book where I thought I was done. I was healed. Oh my God. Isn't that how it's adorable of us? Yes. It's just, first of all, I don't believe in a thing as healed like past tense or overcome. What? No, because we learn so much every single day, even when we don't even realize. what we're soaking in. But those really difficult challenging times because I thought I was healed. And then I went into the worst year of my life. And I went, oh, I really got to heal because I can't do this anymore. So I love and I love the audience knowing because sometimes these self-help books can make us feel so less than. Your book does the opposite. It makes us feel so... Everything you're saying, I'm like, can I use that as a quote for the paperback? Yes. Because, you know,

it's honestly, it's such a gift to hear that, you know, I feel Anne Lamont bow down queen, right? Yes, I love her. She blurb on the front cover, it says something about, like, oh, um, writing never fails to amaze me with the depth of honesty and wisdom and that great sense of humor. That great sense of humor. So what I love about that is on a cover, and it's a quote unquote self-help book. Now, you don't often think of self-help synonymous with humor. And so I feel like what she did there is.

It's a wink to the reader like you're in good hands. That's a book I'd pick up. It's not, you know, it's, I do my best not to take myself too seriously. When I am, I know I'm out of alignment. Like when I lose my sense of humor, when I'm taking myself too seriously, and getting offended by everything. But I love that what you're acknowledging is the, it's that. It's the sense of humor.

And it's really, it's not intimidating anymore to try and get help, want help. ask for help. And be willing to receive. I think that's a huge thing, especially for women. Yes. I mean, that's all I can speak to being a woman, but especially for women, being open to receiving. We're already into it because, of course, I'm like I can't stop talking and listening to Jen. But before we really get into today's episode, let me just give you all a quick reminder that please hang out for the full reveal. It's a special segment for Valerie's Place members only. and if you want to be able to access the full reveal and get early access to this podcast, just head over to Valerie's Place.com and you can sign right up. Okay, so continuing on,

I want to talk about your genisms, which I love. And you have a glossary of terms. And then once we get through some of the genisms, I want to talk about what proof of life is. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a few things in here. I won't go through all of them, because I want to give that to everybody to enjoy. But there's beauty hunting, which is something that I do, but I didn't even call it beauty hunting, but now I'm going to call it beauty hunting. I didn't invent it.

I just bought the URL. I mean... But it's a spiritual practice. It's what we do. It's what I tell my followers on Instagram. Just look for something to be grateful for. Look for the little miracles. Look for the glimmers.

That's beauty hunting. I love that. And stop telling yourself the bullshit story. That is a part of the whole being human thing, things that you believe to be true that are in actuality not true it's a bullshit story things that you're not good enough um you can't do this you don't have the right to feel this way you don't have the right to have a long beautiful intimate love all those things that you tell yourself they're bullshit and um let me just get to uh but also with that is like finding your people keyword is lovingly but

who lovingly shake your shoulders and remind you that's a bullshit story lovingly that's a bullshit story Because when you're people who really see you, they can remind you. Those are your, I got you people, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm so blessed to have so many of them around you. I know. You're one of them.

I told Todd that. Yes. Yes. For sure. I'm a big time gods. That's another one. The imaginary time gods, because this is so true because the imaginary time gods will tell you that you're not allowed to feel this because the timing isn't right.

Or don't do this yet because you're not ready. Especially for women. You're too old. It's too late. with this person because you aren't out of this yet. You aren't out of this mess yet. So I mean, the movie that you're so amazing. Oh my God, love again is a perfect example.

I told him. I absolutely told Henry that. And, you know, it's because, you know, oh, you're not grieving the right way. Right. Or how dare you. What is the right way to grieve for Christ's sake? Well, exactly. And the school of whatever works is also a big one in there.

Um, as long, barring you're not intentionally hurting yourself or anyone else. Whatever works. always got to be the caveat. I mean, we're not looking to hurt anybody. Yeah. Yes, intentionally. But isn't it interesting, you even talk about this in your book, is I'll hurt myself before I hurt somebody else. Oh, that's not okay either. Absolutely not. But that's what I've been doing my whole life. A lot of women, and it's like, I, that's, you know, I got you. That's my tattoo. And that's my thing. I'm like, sort of, and I love that. I'm so not, you know, people text me pictures of I got you. or I love that I'm synonymous with that and I'm that for people. But what dawned on me during COVID, I raised the early COVID,

I raised all this money to feed people. It dawned on me, like, hey, I got you lady except for myself. And that's a daily practice to, you know, to do that. It's not my default. And it's not most of us. And you talk about a daily practice in here, too. There are so many. Switch it to daily-ish because I don't want to lie.

And I think that's important as well because someone tells, when everyone asks me, you know, how do you journal? And I'm like, don't make it something that you have to do. It can be daily-ish. Yes. And I think you have so many great journal prompts in here that are questions that we can ask ourselves when we're in the mood to do it. And don't beat yourself up if you don't want to do it. That's a really big thing. And so the idea is, you know, I lead these retreats and workshops all over the world.

I've narrowed. I've got a lot smaller. One, my hearing has gotten so much worse. It's so hard for me. And also just wanting to be with my son. But this is like a workshop you could take with you. And that was the point of it, right? But the, I have a thing I call it, let yourself off the hook book.

And so at night, it's like a dumping ground just to go to bed, clear. You just let yourself off the hook for anything. And eventually you can let yourself off the hook. hopefully you'll look at the things and go, I don't need to let myself off the hook for that. I need to get myself a medal for that. It's like not using whatever the thing is as fodder to beat yourself up. If you don't do the thing or you know, you wake up and you think,

may I not be an a-hole today to myself? And you go to bed, you're like, well, I was nothing but an a hole. Guess what? You don't beat yourself up. You get to, barring you take a breath, you get to begin again. And so it's like letting yourself off the hook. And of course, sometimes we have to be on the hook. but it really is.

Obviously we're human beings with responsibilities. What did you say? Obviously we're human beings with a responsibility. But at a certain point, those responsibilities get so jacked up that we forget to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our responsibilities. A hundred percent. And it seems so, duh. But man, you know, when I'll lead workshops, especially with women, you know, the guilt or I feel selfish or, you know, And it's so classic.

And it's like, you know, it's patriarch, it's misogyny. It's the way that we're conditioned. But it's so important. And it doesn't have to be, you know, take a bubble bath or, you know. Although it can be because it feels good. But, you know, or go to us. Yes, it can be like, you know, I used to joke. Like, it can be like, you know, going, pooping without your toddler, in privacy.

For real. It's like just, you know, allowing for. Those days for me are long gone. I know. I know, I know, I have cats staring at me. I used to say that. I know, now that's, like, really awkward. My cat's hand.

You know, the point being is, like, allowing ourselves to have a life that lights us up. I say that a lot, and I mean it's like what. But I think sometimes there are certain things that need to be said on repeat constantly. We deserve to have a life that lights us up. I think you are absolutely, you know, we learn by, I said in the book, I learn by repetition, except when I don't. We do. Like every day I have to repeat the same things because ding-dong over here, aka me, doesn't get it. And it's got to be like, how do I remind myself?

And so what are the ways, what are the tools, who are the people that help remind me? And we can be that person to ourselves as much as anyone else. I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. Look at all that flavor we packed into chicken breasts. I love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering, where's my show? This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno popper. Oh my god. It's so good!

Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie. What are we reheating today? Welcome to Nal Vow's cooking. Guess what we're gonna make right now. We're alive. Hi, everybody. How are you? You have to go to Valerie's place. That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again. I'm dancing. That's how good it is.

So head to Valerie'splace.com and go ahead and sign up. You guys are the original members, and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time. This is a perfect time for you to actually talk like. What is proof of life? And how did you come about wanting to write it? Well, you know, I wrote since I was a kid, and I thought I was going to be a poet in academia,

and that by accident, I'd have. dropped out of college and got a summer job that lasted 14 years at the newsroom cafe where I'm sure I waited on you and and I've never been there well I haven't waited on you I waited on all your colleagues and co-stars and um and I uh I thought I was always a writer and so I made my way out of waitressing by becoming a yoga teacher and then that was my way out of uh of waitressing and my way into writing again um I always knew I was I'm a writer and so my first book on being human, a second book, I didn't know what it was going to be. I did a proposal and it got rejected and I, from the same publisher and I felt like I was going to die.

But I started writing poems again, which I didn't think I got to. And I made that story up. Like, you know, the book was going to be called, you get to have this. And this is whatever your inner Ahold tells you don't get to have, be it rest, ease, love, you know, whatever. It is nothing to do with privilege, with being, which we are, you know, as white people. But it's about like, inherent, your inherent worth is just because you are. And that's what proof of life is, right? You are your own proof of life.

So I didn't think I got to write poems. I'm the one that told myself that. So my book proposal got rejected. I started writing poems again. And I was like, oh, my God, this is my first love. Then I started teaching online writing workshops and, like, 100 people would come. And I don't know. How's that for college dropout?

And I decided, you know what? This next book, whether I self-publish it or what, is going to have my poetry. And guess what? This quote-unquote self-help book, each chapter has a poem in it. And they're beautiful. And so proof of life is, you know, a couple meanings. But one of them is there's nothing ever. You know, all the years I waitress, I thought for a while that I wanted to be an actor.

I didn't. But I waited at the hosan for someone to. discover me. Spoiler alert, no one did. Now, what I really wanted was someone to pick me, was someone to love me, right? And ultimately, as I ruley, as it is, I'd have picked myself. But I thought, I'm done with waiting to be picked or chosen, and I keep catching myself. Like when the book, I was like, I'm going to hit the New York Times bestseller list. And that was for logistical reasons, because I was like, well, I'll get more speaking gigs, I'll be able to afford a divorce, you know, I'm being very vulnerable here. And I didn't.

And I realized I, for a short period of time, I thought it was in a die of shame that I named it out loud. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm still waiting. Well, like, once I get there, then I'll really be a real writer. Then I'll really, and I'm like, I'm doing the thing again. I'm waiting to be given permission, to be chosen, to be picked. So proof of life really is. You are your own proof of life.

There's nothing. Bless you for hitting the New York time. Bless you for all the things. But there's none of that is why I love you. None of that makes you more worthy than me or, you know, the beautiful security guard that, like, walked me up to where I had a park. And so there's that. And then there's also, you don't need any proof or permission that you get to live as you want to live,

barring or not hurting anyone intentionally. You just don't, you know. Why do we all want permission to, want the things that we want. And sometimes I think I've spent so much of my life not giving myself permission that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. Well, I have the full body. I have full body so same with me. I mean, oh, anorexia. I started disassociating when I was eight when my dad died so that I wouldn't die. And so everything I would do drinking, everything would be so I wouldn't be in my body. And so I didn't listen to any signals. Total disconnect. So like,

I can want. So that's the whole thing. I have the chills, right? Like, you get to want. I don't know what I want. And so then it becomes about discovering and allowing for that. And you're never too old or it's too late. I don't, okay, well, let me go discover what I want.

Because I, too, was like, I have no idea. I don't know. How do you discover what you want? You play. You discover. I mean, there's no, I, you, we have to discover that for ourselves. I can't tell you. Like, I don't know, but I'll tell you what.

I call BS because you have discovered. You set up a podcast. You wrote this book, you know, so you're doing all. I want to reach people. I want to reach people with kindness. And I want to. You are. And like another one of my, I don't call them in the book genisms, but I'm the just.

Like genisms. The just a box is this thing of like, I'm just a waitress. I'm just to yoga. I'm just an actor. And what I love so much about what you're up to in the world is you, you know, our whole thing is let's bust out of the justice box that we put ourselves in, that society does, or that we imagine they do. And surprise, there is no box.

So there's no thinking outside the box. Right. And you wrote that. But we know that and yet, right? And so what you're doing is like, well, you can't put, you're an actor and you're a correspondent or whatever you call it on Drew's show. You have a podcast. You wrote a book.

You're doing the Valerie. I mean, it's like, and at what. ever flip an age you want. And so it's the idea of like, who would you be if nobody told you who you were? And so often, a lot of times moms, they're like, I have no idea. But a lot of people. And it's not just this, we don't have to fit in just one thing. But that's sort of the message we're giving one more small.

When you're 18, what do you want to major in? Right. This is the time you define. Or when you're in middle school, yeah, where do you want to go to college? Yeah. When you're in college, what do you want to do? I don't know. I mean, I wanted to be a ballerina and a veterinarian.

I couldn't do either. Well, you could have. I don't have the consistency to do what veterinarians do because they see a lot of death. They see a lot of blood. There's like, I can't do that. My heart breaks every time something happens with one of my animals. How do they do it? And I can't be a ballerina.

I went to ballet school when I was a kid. I'm like, hell no, this is hard. Well, also, but I think you also realize, like back to the one, that you didn't want that. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it's okay to explore that. And it's okay, another big epiphany I have was we get to change our mind. And that sounds very, maybe trite, but I think it's a thing we forget.

You know, I, we get to change our mind. But you said, but you said, but you said you were going to do this. Exactly. But I don't want to do that anymore. And I said one thing, I joke in the book when I talked about leaving my marriage and I said to the reader, By the way, if you're going to stop right now and try to analyze why, because, you know, he's a lovely guy. And then I said, it's worse than you think. They're not thinking about you at all.

No one's stopping to analyze why. No. But just in case, don't. Yeah. I wanted to. And my want is enough. Yeah. And your want is enough.

And what someone else thinks of you is none of your business. So do your life as long as you're not hurting anyone. Absolutely. Does that mean I don't take things personally? No. I take everything personally. Although I do have it up on my mirror, you know, it's don't take it personally. My recovery time is quicker.

And I think for me it's important to be honest about that. So like the thing when I said about the shame about the New York Times, you know, a lot of my friends right away started calling. And I'm like, no, I'm going to be okay. I have the tools. I knew I just needed to feel it. I needed X amount of time, an hour, two hours a night. I'm not going to buy. Oh, is that something that we don't give ourselves.

Right. It's like, oh, wait a minute. I feel shitty. Yeah. So I can't feel this. Yes, you can. things personally, not always, but I do, and then I let it go, as opposed to shutting down and making it truth or making it mean something. You know, I still do, and I'm, I don't know if I ever won't,

but, and again, not all the time. I'm pretty great at being discerning. Yeah, but that's the great thing about what makes us human, is that we're allowed to feel that shame, but not let it take over our lives. And that, that, that, and that's shame loss. It's like, oh, okay, wait, I'm feeling shame. And so there's shame losses, whatever tools, you know, our mutual friend, Paulina Poroscova, and I have done a lot together on this, whatever tools work to help me put down the shame that isn't mine or never was or isn't anymore so that I'm not mired in it or hiding in it or making my choices from it or fear.

I now find shame fascinating. Fascinating. I used to be so ashamed of my shame. And I've gotten through, in the last two years, I've gotten through so much really good work that now I find if I ever feel an inkling of shame, I'm fascinated by it. Like, where, wow, where did you come from? Isn't that beautiful thing? What a beautiful, I mean, you know, to think how young ourselves could hear us saying that. Like, what a, it's like not, and you didn't say, you notice you didn't say, I don't feel shame. You said, when I feel it, I'm fascinated by it. And I love that. It's like, you know, I mean.

We're going to feel at all. Hopefully. We don't want to not feel it all. We don't want to numb ourselves any longer. And that's how for a long time I existed, you know, and I was like, am I dead inside? I mean, it really... Have you read my book? Because I literally have a whole chapter about being dead inside. I know. And the irony for both of us is I was going around the world leading these workshops and I'm masterful. I am at what I do. And I'm okay to say that. And I always say, if you think that's arrogant, check in. Yeah. Because, you know, it's a sort of thing of like, well, you're not supposed to say that. You're not supposed to actually like yourself.

You're a woman. Especially. And in general, but yes, for a woman, I know, I mean, I suck at most things. And what I'm good at, I'm, that is your gift. I'm really good at. And so I was masterful. I can lead these workshops and get people. I can be there and be present and hold space.

But from my own stuff, nothing, because that was how I survived, right? And so I was never dead inside, but I didn't allow. That's why I have this tattoo, allow for feeling. And then it's, you know, finding the balance, whatever that is, of not being overwhelmed by it and not being able to, like, function. What about fear? What do you do with fear? Now, I'm a big proponent of feeling the fear and doing it anyway, and that's where our courage is.

I have a big stance on it. I have a thing, this last fear in my life, that I don't know how to. to conquer. Okay. So I think, and I don't know if this is true, but this is another genisms. You know, people go, oh, just be fearless. And I roll my eyes. The only fearless people I think are sociopaths. Everyone else has fear varying degrees. It's a spectrum like everything. And they do it anyway, or we don't. But so I'm the same with me. I'm always afraid and I do it anyway, or I don't. And if I don't, I let myself off the hook. but the idea of being fearless is a setup to not get started or not doing the thing.

If you wait till you're fearless, bye-bye. Well, there's no such thing. So, yes, I'm always, I mean, I was terrified of, you know, always afraid. And then I'll do it anyway. And I like to be fascinated by it to be like, well, what is it? Curiosity is so wonderful. I think. My what?

Curiosity is one of the greatest gifts that we give ourselves. Maybe we be curious, right? So, but now I'm curious, you know, you drop that, like, I have this one last fear. It's like, well, what? what? I'll tell you. Okay. Because I just, I don't know how to overcome it. Well, I don't know that you over, I mean. Maybe I don't. Maybe I never do. And I'm going to be okay. And I'll be okay with that. Well, because I just wonder if this is a wasteful of a wasting this life and all the love that I know that I have to give. So I'm afraid to fall in

love. Really, really scared, scared shitless to fall in love. Because I've really, like, the last thing just threw me on my ass so bad that I don't, I don't want to ever. I know. I feel that way again. I know. I know. So I'm wondering like, and then I'm, then I start to, um, get angry at myself. Oh my God. We're the same person. You just have better hand. But I'm like, I'm okay. I mean, I will be okay if I just live the rest of my life with my animals and watching my son thrive and his wife and, and one day be a grandmother. But there's a part of me that knows there's something missing because I know that I have a lot of love to give intimately, not just to my family and to my friends.

And I love the love that I give all of the people that I already love. But I'm wondering if that's just not in the cards for me. Well, I mean... Because of me, not because it's anything else. Where are the cards? Can you pull them out? Do you have them? That's hilarious. Do you have a crystal ball? I mean, it's just not in the cards for me. What cards? Well, I think it's not in the cards because I think I...

No, what cards are you? I mean, like, do you really believe in that? Like, I don't. I don't believe in, like, everything happens for a reason. I believe everything happens, period. So it's, like, not in the cards for me, as if, boy, it's already, it's already all determined. It's like, I just, and if that's the case. Well, it's not like I have a lot of time left. First of all, none of us ever.

My dad died at 38, so. Wow. So, we never know. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I got the neuroses. I got the, uh, the superstition part. but we never know. Catholics have that too. Nobody ever knows.

That's why I'm a big, also, fan of no more waiting, no more waiting for permission, no more waiting. And that's not to live in fear. It's because of the you don't know-ness of at all. Well, I just don't want to make the same mistakes that I've made. Well, okay then. And there are big mistakes that really, really landed me on my ass. And it was a hard, it was a hard thing to get up from.

And I'm one of those people that's like, if I got knocked on my ass, I'm getting right back up. So you won't. I mean, I really, because I know a bit about the situation, but, you know, I still feel that. Even with Henry, who is my partner. You guys are so, yeah. I mean, he's my everything. And even I was telling you last night, I was falling asleep and I was trying to visualize my eight-year-old self.

These are things that I would roll my eyes up before, like, ugh. And I was trying to visualize my eight-year-old self. the me of now, because I had no one then. I, when they said my person, my dad, who I thought I killed, because he said, you're being bad at making me not feel good. And I said, I hate you. And that was it. For an eight-year-old, that's hard.

That's the last thing I ever said to him. And the next morning, I knew he had died because the kitchen was covered in Dunkin' Donuts, and we couldn't have, my mom was a health food nut. And so donuts equal death. And I just knew. And they said, your dad died. I said, I don't care. and I locked my jaw

I started clenching which by the way I'm going to the dentist again today I am still clenched and I no one and I just didn't cry and so I visualized myself last night like being there for me

now you know and intimacy always scared me that's why I was able to stay in the marriage I was in for so long and again the irony of the workshops I did and all of how vulnerable I am on the page because it's so a textbook because they will leave, right? If you let love in, you're going to get hurt. And so I change to me equal death because if there's never any

change, no one will leave you. It's not even the leaving for me. Sometimes the leaving is a relief, like very much so a relief. Right. But my guess is just like it's the, it's the being vulnerable and intimate with someone and then them using it against you to hurt you. Well, well that it's either leave or be hurt or right. But it, but it's ultimately ends in the same. same loss. Yes. So, but the interesting thing is you brought up heart site and you said, you said something which I'll lovingly call you out on, which is, oh, I never listen to it or I always ignore my intuition. And I say, I don't know why coffee pots, but I say, we're not coffee pots. We're not fixed objects in space. Like, that's just the way I am. Well, well, you're not dead yet,

you know, so you say you always do that. So actually, you know, you have that in you, in your marrow, these gifts, these things you've learned. And now you have that, you know, no love is ever wasted, right? So moving forward, and then you begin to listen. And our bodies tell us, that's the thing, the more dialed in we are. They really do. And it's really easy to ignore the science when you want to believe the best in someone. It's true.

And it's also like last night when I was visualizing myself with little me. And I was. And I encourage everyone. want to do that, by the way. When you say you have the eight-year-old picture of you as, because eight-year-old, eight-year-old for me, eight is the age of my greatest trauma. But I was saying to myself, my young self, stay open. And I was rolling my eyes.

And the irony is I really wasn't until recently, like really open. But all the miracles in my life, including my friendship with you, are a direct result of my willingness to stay open. People always say to me, God, all these amazing things. happen to you and for you. And I say, oh, that's by design, my friend, because I'm open. Because if we're not open, then we miss them, right? That's why I have keep your heart open right here. And so that's the thing. You say you're afraid of fall in love. Well, so am I. I think we all are. But if you stay. I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to what? To what?

To what? To what? So you're saying you're afraid that's what you'll do? Mm-hmm. I want to be a separate entity, but live alongside together. and I want to treat someone the way I want to be treated. I want to give them poor love into them, and I want to have love poured into me, but I also want to be my separate individual self. That's what I have with Henry, and I thought, you know, I had never experienced intimacy, and I don't mean sex.

I mean, that's part of it. A hundred percent. And it's part of it, for sure, but... Intimacy is so much scarier than sex. So much scarier. 100%. Yeah. And so I would...

I was 47 when I was with Met Henry, and that's the first time I was ever intimate with a man. And with women, it started a little before. Like, I could have never, like, held my friend's hand, or I just, you know, was hard. And I thought all these things now, even, like, I don't drink. I could never have imagined. And that's why I love that expression, don't believe everything you think. But I could never have imagined the me of now. And so I think one thing that's wonderful to do is daydream.

and like, you know, really, really in the morning, like, you know, before you look at your phone, before anything, like, I start with May, I remember. That's why I'm in such a good mood lately. Have you doing it? Because I haven't been picking up my phone. I've been reading your book. In the morning, the last two or three nights mornings, I go, I'm not going to pick up my phone. And this is so encouraging. I love that.

Oh, my God, this should be your morning read, everybody. But, you know, I say not everyone could do this because of various reasons, but if it's possible, don't sleep with your phone. phone right next to your head or right next to you because it's the last thing you do and the first thing you do. And for me, that's been a game changer. So I have all these different things that help. And I start, I call it the body prayer because it's generated from your body. And I begin it in the morning with May I remember when I remember to do it. And because I love those words. And we're allowed to forget. It doesn't have to be, it's all daily-ish. Right. Because I'm like, I'm not going to lie. I don't do any. I'm like the least. For me who is like one of those, I'm a good

girl. I will do as I'm told to do as I'm said, do as I'm told to do, and I will do it perfectly. There's no such thing as perfect. And, and like when I started journaling, I started journaling at 15. I think I was 14, 15. And if I missed a day, I was beating myself up. You're supposed to write in your journal. And then it got to a point where I have journals that there's a few years that go by with not a word was written, you know, and then now I have journals. I have five or six journals because they have different meanings to me, you know, some of them are encouraging. Some of them are where I write all the angry stuff out and I get that out. And then some of them are about codependence and some of them are about, um, you know, sexual trauma or even just trauma or C PTSD. All of these things I have

where I put them in certain, it's interesting. Ha ha. I'm just, well, what? I'm just a little epiphany. Um, I used to do that. What should happen in real time. I used to do this in my head. It, they were rooms and little sections that I would separate everything. Now I've separated them into books where I can go and reach for them when I need them and they're not stuck in my head anymore. But you're also doing it with your life, even the way you're compartmentalizing, you know, it's almost like you've already decided, well, that's not in the cards for me. I mean, you said maybe, but it's like... Well, only because I'm in charge of it, and I don't necessarily like the managerial

post that I've taken, position that I've taken, which is like, no, you're not going to do it because you can't trust yourself to fall deeply and head over heels in love with somebody before they fuck you over. which is like stupid because I haven't had that many relationships. I've been married, I was married for over 20 years to my first husband. I was married almost, you know, I was with my second husband almost 20 years. And then I dated a guy for a couple months. So it's like, what do I, like, what do I, I, I don't have enough empirical evidence to prove.

And I open a book with an epigraph, which is a poem I call instructions for when you're lonely. And it says something like, open the window and scream. When no one screams back, don't use that as evidence of your, essentially something like evidence of your forsakenness. You know, no one scream back because there's just no one down there. Right, right. It's not like, no one loves me. No, no, there's no one's standing there. Right.

And so we find evidence that we're looking for. So one thing I go, what's your C? C. So, for example, what's your C? C. C. Yeah. See?

See? See? That's my C. He's like, see, I thought I fell in love and then I was fucked over, so that. Not going to do that. Oh, with me, it's like, I'll go, see, nothing works out for me.

And I'm like, what? Where am I? Everything's working out for us. If we just look at it with those glasses on. Or even if it's not, like, maybe it's not everything, but your evidence, it's like you're going to find what you're looking for. And these are also things that sort of old, you know,

that have been told in their cliches for a reason. But so, for example, one time my friend, a beautiful poet, Brad, Aaron Modlin, gave me this prompt, something to the effect for a poem of like, look around your room right now, what evidence shows that you're supported? And I love that. So what evidence are you looking for? If you're looking for evidence of, you know, I'm going to be hurt or people don't like me.

I'll tell you, I'll find it. That's why I don't ever read reviews, you know, good or bad. That's why the block button on Instagram is so great, because I have a ton of evidence of people not liking me. And I'm like, okay, bye. And like I know myself. I know I'm sensitive. And so, you know, people are like, you just can't care. I'm like, okay. And I've taken it from care to it's none of my business, what this person thinks of me, because they don't know me. What my business is is how does my son feel about me? How does my brother feel about me? How do my girlfriends feel about me? That's what I care about. And that's the thing. And so I think it's like all about staying open, you know? So with Henry, I mean, I still have moments where I get so afraid or I think about I, oh my God, you know, one day he's not going to be here or what am I, I'm going to, you know, or I'm going to be left or. How do we get ourselves down that stupid little rabbit hole and how do we climb out of it? I mean, so many things sound so duh, but come back to the now.

So that goes back to the tools. Well, how do I do that? Beauty hunting. Yes. Coming back to the now, the now. And tell your inner asshole to shut up. Yes. And it's not about killing it.

I used to think I was going to kill my inner assholes. No, just be quiet for a while. I don't need you right now. I know you're trying to help me. That's it. But stop. And when we recognize that, oh, okay, so I thought I would kill it and I'd wake up and I'm like, how did you get in bed with me again?

Like an ex, I can't get rid of. I actually, I like my inner asshole a little bit. Because you realize I was trying to protect us. Yes, yes. And sometimes my inner asshole is right. But most of the time, it's wrong. Yeah, I mean, my inner asshole, I don't know that it's ever right. But I think you're, I think, you know, when you think about regrets, like when I get to the end of my life.

Well, my inner asshole is like, see, you, you didn't pay attention to your intuition. I was right. I tried to tell you. But that's not, yeah. But that's your inner asshole, though. Not, that's your inner asshole. I'm more shaming you. Yeah.

So that you, if we start getting more dialed into our body, we know when we're listening to our intuition. We do. I know, but I kept trying to tell my intuition you're wrong. Right. And so now, being. even though my son, my brother, all my girlfriends are, no, no, you don't, you know. But you know, you know, now it's like, again, it's like with intention, right? So this body prayer starting the morning.

And I love the words, may I remember? Because it's like what I already know, but maybe I've forgotten. And I like the repetition. So may I remember today to breathe? Yeah. I start with that, right? May I remember to stay open. May I remember to stay curious.

May I remember to not compare myself to others, authors on Instagram, you know, whatever. Right. And then, you know, every day finding ways to stay open. And then all of a sudden you notice like, wow, I have this person in my life. And there's no, it's not all up in the head and like, are they going to leave? Are they going to? And then you're just, you're open and you're allowing for it to show up. Yeah.

We have a lot more to talk about. This could be a two-hour podcast easily. We have the dog with one leg, the lady with no hearing. Luna is here today. Yes. Okay. But I do want to thank you for listening to Getting Naked, the podcast. And I've got a few more questions for Jen, including one biggie I've saved.

Okay. And then we'll get to listener questions. I do love getting your questions. But we're going to do it on our full reveal, which is for our subscribers. Ooh, the full reveal. So if you want to hear your questions, head over to Valerie's Place.com and sign up for just $2 a month. You can get to hear the full reveal. Wait, wait, slow it down.

I read lips. Okay. And I want them all to really hear this. Yes. For just $2 a month, you can get to hear the full reveal and get early access to every episode of the entire podcast. Okay, so now, the full reveal. I just became Valerie Bertinelli's coach.

Yes, you did. I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. Look at all that flavor we packed into chicken breasts. I love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do.

You are wondering, where's my show? This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno popper. Oh my god. It's so good! Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie. What are we reheating today? Welcome to Now Vow's cooking.

Guess what we're gonna make right now. We're alive. Hi, everybody. How are you? You have to go to Valerie's Place. That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again.

I'm dancing. That's how good it is. So head to Valerie's Place.com and go ahead and sign up. You guys are the original members, and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time.