Goes Without Saying - #2 LOVE AND DATING: the podcast she told you not to worry about

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

welcome to part 2/2 of our love and dating miniseries! in this episode we (sephy & wing) answer your questions about relationships, sex and romance. we're no longer dating boys with dirty fingernails and no bed frames, and we are demanding more from our romantic relationships. join us in this q&a episode as we deep dive into your questions! speak your mind on our instagram! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wendy's has a new breakfast deal. Mix and match two items of your choice for only $4. Breakfast wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small seasoned potatoes or small hot coffee. Choose two for $4 at Wendy's. Available for a limited time at participating Wendy's in Canada. Taxes extra. Hi, welcome back to Higher Priestess. My name is Erin. And my name is Persephone. I'm very formal today. My name, it's one of those Erin. And my name is Persephone. I'm very formal today. My name, it's one of those badges.

Je m'appelle Persephone. I once found out, okay, so weird. Yeah, yeah, we're going through it already. We're going in. My family and my home friends call me Poppy. Erin calls me Seffie. It's a big debate. But my name, birth certificate, Persephone.

We've been through this, guys. Yeah. But I found out in french poppy is coquely coo so i went around in france being like jean-mapelle coquely oh my god no wonder they didn't like you yeah what a weird what a weird thing to do when did we say that they didn't like you oh you guys haven't heard that yet that's an upcoming episode that's in popularity i love that oh yeah we're doing an episode all about popularity how we are so popular which you guys will hear all about soon oh my god we just got the nice message we

got a message a fan mail i need to i need to okay that was so cute we just had to stop recording now and just um sort of open the message really self-indulgent so self-indulgent we just got the cutest message from this girl hey sabrina so if you enjoy this podcast please tell us because we just live for the external validation oh big time validator i was thinking i watched this thing there's like um i watched this like compilation of um nicole kidman by accident completely by accident and halfway through it was her with her fans and she's like you guys keep me going and i was like oh cringe but also you guys keep us going like daily we could tuck this in at any moment we're hanging on by threads here so thank you guys so much yeah thank you so much should

we get into it let's get into it enough self-indulgence for 40 seconds in or whatever you guys have been really amazing and sent us loads of really really good questions on romance Valentine's Day dating sex love Etc everything everything and we went into them in the last step But we thought let's do a part two because there were some really good ones that we didn't get to touch on and we really Want to like deep dive into every question because there are some good things suck the life out of them Also, we started in the last one having a bit of a marriage a marriage argument like the married couple that we are our marriage is falling apart we did have a whole marriage story have you seen that film i haven't seen it have you no i think it looks bad i really want to watch it oh i think have you seen blue valentine no you need blue

blue valentine never heard i was thinking this morning, it's my favourite film. You're joking. Favourite film. More than Hazzapotter. It's just different. They're very similar. That would be weird. It's about a little young boy. It's my favourite film ever.

It's very similar to Harry Potter. Who are you? Like, what's your taste? It's similar to Harry Potter is really difficult because it's kind of like, no, it's not. Like, I'm instantly not believing you. It's kind of like, please tell me it's not. harry potter is really difficult because it's kind of like in what no it's not like i'm instantly not believing it's kind of like please tell me it's not like what part yeah the small child taken by a giant into a magical world um percy jackson's quite similar which i've read twice yeah and i haven't ever you weren't a fan i was a big percy jackson fan back in the day it's a book no yeah it's a book series i think we were in a bookshop once and you're like oh my god it's a percy jackson series i'm literally listening to it on audiobook now i'm listening to quite a

lot of things have you seen the audible advert no this podcast is sponsored by audible that's really funny that we start talking about audible at the beginning it's like we really wish we were sponsored by you guys i think it's quite a good advert it's kind of this woman in like a train station it looks like grand central station and everyone's like whizzing past her. And then she puts in her earphones and it's like, chapter one, the falling star. I've seen the advert like five times. I love that.

But yeah, and it's really like quite relaxing. It's kind of like, yeah, I will. Yeah, I'm this close. Oh, I've got it. I love Audible. So please do sponsor us. So if you go over to highprestats.com, which we don't know.

What should we go in with the first question so the first question is from got these up on my laptop we're gonna read names oh yeah i think we can this is from fatima hey fatima thoughts on a four out of ten dating a nine out of ten cultural clashing slash different mentalities oh okay that's a big question cultural clashing opens up a whole other thing yeah four out of ten yeah that's a big question cultural clashing opens up a whole other thing yeah four out of ten yeah that's a whole other thing should we do four out of ten four out of ten ten out of ten nine out of ten not quite a ten out of ten and nine out of ten of course nobody is perfect no one said okay four out of ten and a nine out of ten what is it can it work is that the question yeah can it work are we going also it depends what you're so to start off with rating humans numbers i almost i don't believe

in that stuff first of all i'm not a number i'm a human being something from 10 years ago okay i think addressing the whole question as a whole the whole thing basically can two people who are quite different be a good couple so it's essentially a shakespearean play shakespearean writing and capulets yeah i love it it's kind of that right wherefore art thou romeo yeah i think in terms of a four and a fuck in terms of a four and a nine yeah do you think then it places more important like more significance on what the nine what the four is thinking because i think the nine's gonna be okay but it's what the it's if the four can hack it i think no no i don't think it's that at all what do you think i think it's that we did a whole episode which i don't know whether we're going to put it out or not yet which is about kind of why women

tend to settle in relationships and we get a bit controversial let us know if you want it yeah we get a bit it might be a mid-series thing it's just not an episode one two or three it's kind of we've just got the fear of have we articulated ourselves in the way perfectly yeah in the way that we want to so but we spoke about how women in relationships have a tendency to settle for less than they deserve and i kind of see this nine out of ten dating a four out of ten my mind immediately goes to the girl is a nine out of ten the boy is a four out of ten and that is just so common can it work yeah it happens all the time men women go for mediocre men 24 7 right okay yeah i agree with that women do go for women settle all the time men women go for mediocre men 24 7 right okay yeah i agree with that women do go for women settle all the time completely but i also do think the nine out of

ten it's not always like obviously everyone has their own everyone's got their demons everybody makes mistakes everybody has those days everybody knows what i'm talking about everybody gets that way yeah that's two hannah montana references i don't think you've got my first one no i did i just ignored it no one picked up on me going nobody's perfect um obviously the nine out of ten will have their own issues but i think it's likely i didn't immediately think four out of ten male um and i kind of thought about i've definitely had girls say to me like friends say to me i i you know really i'm interested in this guy blah blah but he's like way too he's out of my league blah

blah and i love the idea of him he's just so good looking and everyone wants him and i love the idea of me getting him which is so not something i can relate to because that is just the furthest thing from what i would want yeah no way because i would just be too threatened but well i'd go after that no i'd i'd pursue them like nobody's business i could go straight after it but i don't think i'd be thinking are they out of my league i think i would i would just instantly be like oh well of course of course we're a couple we're the only nine out of ten here he's a nine out of ten embarrassing i think it depends because i kind of feel like if you are the four out of ten and you have your own insecurities blah blah blah and you're with a nine out of ten you're constantly going to be getting

those things of why are they looking at them that way why is why are they texting that person why is that person popping up on their phone why are they going here but i can't compare do you know what i mean and i think that encourages a bit of if you're not because i feel like part of being in a relationship with someone is feeling like you're a team and feeling like you're kind of an impenetrable force of like equals love that yeah and if you're not if you're not seeing yourself as equals well that's what then you're kind of opening yourself up for everyone else to not see you as equals and to challenge it and you're gonna have rifts within yourself yeah i mean but also it's like who told you you were four out of ten yeah it's like they did the um the angus thongs perfect snogging like who gave my four my nose a four yeah it's like who told you you were

a four and your partners are nine yeah it's like how did these scores get made how did you calculate those yeah because i think if that's say as say it's from inter it's internal someone inside the cup i'm good i'm a real stutter bag today it's quite horrible for the podcast well they probably won't know because i would have cut all the stuff every time i'm editing it's like we cannot speak it's hard to speak um i think if it's like an internal rating as in you are from within you're looking at your own relationship and saying i'm the four it's your perception of the relationship exactly then i think that's one thing but if you've been told it you're kind of a four and like he's kind of a nine could you imagine how do you how do you deal with that oh we'll lose that person whoever told you that how

do you deal with that yeah but can you ignore it though even if that person's gone then do you go on in your relationship with that nine like can you ever forget that i would say what makes them a nine i mean what makes me a four yeah so why are we both not tens yeah like what makes that and what's it to you yeah and what are you yeah but it's like we were talking about in the cat calling one where these men walked past me and my friends and went seven two four or something like that and it's just like oh well who gave you i don't believe them they i was told i was either a seven or two or four i don't believe any of them yeah definitely because it's like i don't trust their opinion it's like why are you putting so much

emphasis on the opinion of some irrelevant person that told you that you're a four yeah so maybe it's not about one person being a four and one person being a nine it's what those people think of themselves you can't be any number you can't be that oh i'm a 10 i'm a four i'm a five you can't be any of these things because they don't mean anything. Yeah, all you can be is just secure in yourself. You can't be anything. The word be does not exist. There is no reality. Everything is perception.

Everything is fake, next question. And that answers that. What do you think about the cultural differences one? This is quite difficult. My thing with culture, I remember saying this in anthropology once. I went, I have family in Cyprus because of my dad's side of the family i'm half i'm half and half and when i was there it was a real um i've been there loads but there was one time that i came back and i was

like god i'm actually a bit sick because um there was some sort of event where everyone was it was like a family event we were at somebody's house god knows who they are but they were there yeah fully just like the most further like who are they i don't know anyway everyone was there like the whole town was there in this huge old place and everyone had like had their meal and then the meal everyone's outside everyone's had their meal uh meal finishes women rise from the table on cue just stand up beautiful dresses yeah with you know style and grace and just whisk away all the plates stand up and remove themselves to the kitchen the men who haven't done anything all day just sit in their seats stay where they are they light up their cigars they like start chatting kind of watch

but the difference is because i've seen that in the uk and that's more of a generational difference whereas this is very much a cultural difference that is not going to die if anything it's very much like encouraged very much alive is you know where that's from much alive yes it's harry potter tom riddle yeah it's very much alive to the point where i um another time went to well basically everyone was just like erin why aren't you helping and i thought fuck you lot i don't even like you i don't know you. I don't know who you fucking are, so I will not be scraping your plate. Scraping your scraps? I won't be, you're the scraps. Yeah, I'm not scraping the scraps scraps.

That's not how it works. Honestly bad. And then another time I was with an old man and an old woman. It was honestly really, really weird. But anyway, and they- In Cyprus. Yeah, in Cyprus again. And they, the woman had made the meal, finished it, blah, finished it blah blah and i stood up to get rid of the plate to clean it up or whatever and i literally got like in big trouble for trying to clean up

because it was the older woman's job and i'm not trying to make this an anthropology seminar but it is like cultural relativism of like is this where's the objective can you be objective is it yes or no is this absolutely wrong and going against my feminism or am i looking into their culture yeah that's wrong and trying to intervene on something that is so far from my well it's like people that say understanding the burka isn't feminist and things like this yeah it's like well huge we're imposing white almost like christian ideals western values yeah and understandings of oppression and freedom yeah that aren't universal and it's like what a joke that we think we are free the biggest joke of them all yeah i think cultural differences are so it's just so ingrained in who you are that i think

the biggest thing there would be like communication styles because if your cultural differences are major but your communication styles are like mature and compatible then you'll be okay i think or then you have a shot whereas if you're two people from wherever and you have whatever perspectives and you're also really not emotionally intelligent and like cannot communicate and find confrontation in everything and almost like self-aware of your own um cultural ideals and where they've come from and what beliefs are yours versus what beliefs you've inherited and not questioned yeah really interesting really interesting love that so articulate from you oh thanks i also think immediately when i think of cultural differences

i think of feminism because i think i love that as a woman in a relationship the most like glaring the most harsh cultural differences you can face is what you think your role is and what you think your rights are and i think often when women are like told that they're not allowed to do something in a relationship or encouraged to only have one role in a relationship i.e super domestic that's threatening not just your cultural value of yourself but also your feminism yeah completely you know what i mean which aren't always um mutually exclusive or you know i love that that's perfect that really sums up that whole question fatima's question it's not really an answer though it's kind of

just more like god fatima we're in a big problem here aren't we no i think it's saying you can have a whole mess of cultural ideas like i can't pinpoint and i think it's very difficult to pinpoint exactly what's like it's nature versus nurture it's like how do i pinpoint what i've inherited and what is my genuine like soul yeah and where do your beliefs come from yeah the soul doesn't exist yeah but go to natural history museum guys i actually went back i've been since that i've been since the valentine's day episode i took a whole other friend went to the science museum and i was like a whole other friend a whole other friend i was literally like we're in the science museum and i

thought this is bullshit let's go to the fucking natural history museum yeah if you don't love touch screens you're not gonna love the science museum and who does it's not 2004 it's like we carry them around guys science museum update your shit yeah that's true not impressed but a dinosaur skeleton is endlessly impressive i love it also i was gonna cut this into the other one but i'm really sorry that i say the dinosaurs were around for 50 million years. They were around for 150 million years. And I said, don't cut that in because no one is counting. I'm mortified.

I'm utterly mortified. Two trips to the Natural History Museum. I'm mortified. Three. Three trips to the Natural History Museum. Oh my God. It couldn't be worse. I love it.

So another question. We've got one from Sarah. I feel bad that I didn't mention the names in the other one but you guys know what your questions were. Oh yeah yeah. You know your question. Yeah. So thoughts on right person, wrong time. Oh yeah I love this one. It's a good one. Yeah. What are your thoughts? My immediate thought is two immediate thoughts. First one, I don't like it. Second one, is this not more a question about like do you believe in fate or not second one is this not more a question about like do you believe in fate or not like is it not oh we're going into it again yeah i kind of think it has to be because if you're saying right person wrong i saw someone it's actually really weird i

was in the youtube comments i feel like i'm always in the youtube comments oh yeah like it's actually they're people are funny yeah it's a really interesting place to be like a real um like subculture of humanity like it's a really interesting i to be. Like a real like subculture of humanity. Like it's a really interesting. I did a comment on a video that did quite well. Oh. It was like a lot of thumbs up. I commented, well I think it was like 50. That's a lot.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It was like up there. So one of my favourite YouTubers, Drew Monson. You might know him. I love him so, so much. And I commented on one of his things. He like interviewed these people. And I said, the guy on the left looks like the burglar from home alone and it did really well amazing

kind of that's exactly the type of comments that they are yeah exactly because he does love it yeah um i saw a youtube comment yeah that said the guy on the left looks like the burglar no not marv but i saw a comment that said, there's no such thing as right person, wrong time. If it was the right person, it would always be the right time. Say it again. There's no such thing as right person, wrong time.

Because if it was the right person, it wouldn't be the wrong time. Yeah, that's exactly what I think. Yes. Right. Because the fact that their timing wasn't right, the fact that they could have not, they could have not. The fact that they could have not, they could have not.

The fact that they... Mamma mia. Mamma mia. They couldn't sort their life out to make it the right time. They had to just go and do this. They were seeing someone else or whatever. That means they're not the right person. They didn't sort their life out for you.

Yeah, well, it almost, what negates wrong time? It's like, oh, they're moving to Japan. What are the chances? Yeah, like, what do you mean by that? It just means, oh, I'm a to Japan. What are the chances? What do you mean by that? It just means, oh, I'm a bit up in the air at the moment. Which kind of tells me it's just wrong personal. It's all wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. A lot of my friends,

I feel like I've just been using a lot of my friends' examples. I used a lot in the Valentine's Day one, but they just have great examples. I really monitor everyone's relationships and I take note because it's really what not to do at times it's insightful yeah but one of my friends always says whenever she breaks up with someone oh i just i just think this is just for now it's just for now and we'll probably get back together back in

like soon like soon again in the future we'll probably get back together like i'm just telling myself that for now anyway it's a bit like yes i see the logic because you're not quite letting go of them you're like keeping one finger clawed onto them but it's also what makes you think that in the future it would be different yeah they just need to mature they just need to mature it's not gonna happen i completely agree and i feel like right person wrong time my main thought being is kind of that i feel like that phrase becomes such a um defense mechanism or coping mechanism it allows yeah bad behavior it's just an excuse for any relationship that doesn't really work but you still really quite like them it kind of um apologizes or makes an excuse for like toxic relationships and it really romanticizes i think

the relationship and that person because you're like oh you know that was the right person it's just the wrong time it's like well how about let's evaluate what made it the wrong time and let's work on that now make it the right time and then you'll see it is the wrong person i think it takes a while to get to that because so speaking from my experience i was seeing this person and i definitely thought that they were like very very great like a very very great person yeah and i think i romanticized that whole thing so much and only coming out of it i think i probably was telling myself like at some point at some point i definitely think you were telling yourself well the timing's wrong the timing is wrong but the timing of life kind of always is wrong and

also it wasn't that it's nothing to do with the time absolutely what do you mean the timing you think it's gonna be any better when you're working a nine to five job when is the right time to meet someone when there isn't because always gonna throw your life upside down yeah you've always got something going on and they've always got something going on if you don't no one is ever if you both slot in perfectly guys it's not very fun relationship it's a bit suspicious almost well it's like do you want to be in that it's a bit like is that joe from you go goldberg he's running around he's making sure everything's fine for you yeah he's made sure the timelines are completely like succinct just running parallel it should be a little bit like you're caught off and

a bit like oh fuck like now i need to i want this person but that means like it shouldn't just be necessarily we're just side by side walking and oh god we've bumped into each other just keep on going completely unrealistic i actually think it's a thing with our generation to feel like true love in quote marks is really hard to access or make your own and everyone seems to come up with a million different reasons as to why it hasn't worked for them. Right person, wrong time being one of them. And I think there's a lot of things that we tell ourselves.

The one that got away. Exactly. We just like romanticise every... If you got to know that person, you'd find it that fucking bore. Yeah. And that's just that. Yeah.

Or even just sometimes things just don't work out. It doesn't have to be a big romantic, life-changing reason. you don't need to go through the scheme of the timeline of the earth yeah why they didn't fit into your two seconds guys go to the natural history museum you'll see that we were here for a blink a blink what do you mean wrong time it's true i was also thinking and this goes beyond relationships and stuff i feel like our generation is very we're quite particular about we really like to like categorize our lives into chapters and like succinctly tie things up wrap it up and end it you know get our closure that's ended moving on to the next chapter nice and clean yeah things

aren't following a linear trajectory that's really smooth and like plain to see life is chaos yeah messy as fuck so messy and things will be continuously intertwined and linked until the day you die like yeah you can never really leave something behind yeah because it's always a part of you and you can't just tie it off with a nice chapter of like well that got closure yeah closure that was me learning about myself now i'm on to the making things happen and then i'll be on to settling down and all these chapters it just doesn't work like that so if you ever tell me you're settling down i will be sick in your face i said the wrong two words but i think we have a real issue with diet we want to diagnose everything and categorize everything yeah and sometimes it's not about right person wrong time it's just

something that just it didn't happen so move on to the next thank you next honestly thank you next i think that's really true about the chapters because there definitely is a thing of like you're going to uni you have a great new chapter oh now you're in the new chapter now you're like last term was rough for me i was just trying to figure myself out but now i'm on to the next thing it's like no that's still a part you're still in it like why do you think our ebook 2020 vision was literally a bestseller topping the charts iconic read yeah iconic read because all of us have something in us which is like okay but this year this year and by the way if you read 2020 vision it will be the

best year oh because it's fucking insane i reread it the other day and i just thought oh my god like i've kind of forgotten that amazing piece of insight literature but i do think yeah there's something in us that wants to start again definitely and i think what i think there's it's almost the level of pride like when you've been through something a bit horrible and you're like oh you know that was just a bad time but i'm completely out of it now everything's all good smooth sailing onto the next whatever everything's done done and dusted i feel amazing it's like well let's just calm down and think because i'm sure there's still a little bit of something that's left in you that you're gonna be figuring out for the rest of your life and that's great like stop trying to tie things

up and put them in boxes to be finished like it's not done that's why i always i'm a bit suspicious of people that say like oh yeah i'm just over him now they're completely over him and it's a bit like are you over him or are you just obsessing over someone new now yeah why do i know that you're over him yeah because you've said it a hundred times yeah which says the opposite to me yeah but it's also like what what's the obsession with being over what's the obsession with putting that in a box locking it swallowing the key like what why are you obsessed it's kind of just let that live with you completely yeah and there's no shame in that no it's nice it's good but it's quite difficult to grow yeah it's just so no growth happens in your comfort zone love that let's get a wall quote of that you don't grow in your comfort zone that's like really one of those things that like live laugh laugh yeah like a toilet where but it really is isn't it like you

you just don't grow in your comfort zone and i feel like we are putting on a show not me and you but just everyone is putting on a show of like that's done like i'm you know blah blah blah moving on i learned from it i'm moving on it's like no you're still learning from it now and that's great we all are wendy's has a new breakfast deal mix and match two items of your choice for only four dollars breakfast wrap biscuit or english muffin sandwiches small seasoned potatoes or small hot coffee choose two for four dollars at wendy's available for a limited time at participating wendy's in Canada. Taxes extra. Learning every day, guys.

Every day education. Every day lesson day. Love that. Every day school. Every day school day. Every day GCSEs. I really liked that one. Yeah, me too. I thought that was really nice.

I'm going to find another one. I feel like everyone has a wrong place. Oh, I can't fucking get it. Everyone has a right place. Right person, wrong time situation. Thank you. yeah yeah if you're thinking of someone now trust me they weren't the right person no and it's just the only right person for you is you you might find someone who's like a bit of fun and you get along with well and that's great but you're the right person unless it's like john snow then he's still he's a big old problem imagine realistically bringing Jon Snow into your life that's a lot of trauma I was telling Erin the other day that I had a dream about just a

quick game I was thinking should we just start a Game of Thrones like segment where we just get all of our Game of Thrones stuff out of the way so yeah I was telling you the other day that I had a dream about the Hound from Game of Thrones um if you haven't watched Game of Thrones this is absolute hell for you you you're definitely not listening well the hound is like this kind of big meanie but he's also very very there's something about him but I had this dream that I was like

it's just a whole thing where was I going with this I can't remember is he the right person wrong time oh no no that was it and I was saying he could never be your boyfriend and then you said listen to the sentence you've just said he the hound could never be your boyfriend it's like not a thing it's like okay well imagine you bring him to the family gathering

you're bringing him to the barbecue this is my boyfriend he's murdering everybody slain he's like fuck off your cat it's like not hot it couldn't happen it's a bit crazy he's right person wrong time for me right person wrong universe i was literally about to say i think it's more about the universe and the fact that he's a fictional character that makes him wrong but yeah right person wrong universe we got one question that says hey hi priestess can you send us a dm if you're one of these spam accounts so many of those so many it's like filtering through it's really infuriating um okay so we got one this is from steven it's from a boy a boy i'm like there's a boy in here

oh no no no no it's steph andrew. I'm like, Stephen Drews. Steve Andrews. There's two boys. It's Steph Andrews. Okay, that's a full name. I genuinely was gobsmacked. We have a boy? We have a priest. What are they saying?

A higher priest. So, should I follow my gut in romantic relationships? Do you trust your head or your heart? Well, we had a whole thing. We knew. Yeah, when we were discussing how to know whether you you're trusting fear or intuition and i feel like it's a similar distinction between trusting your head and your heart because the head can get easily confused as a heart i'm really confused

have i confused your head yeah everything's good so i feel like you can easily convince yourself that you're following your head when really you're following your heart right and oh i and to be clear i think you should follow your head oh do you and not your heart i think it should be a 70 30 split of head being the 70 i've never really got this head and heart thing because i think my head and my heart are pretty are the same i think my head is in my heart i think my heart is in my head i don't think mine are mine mine is chaos they've never they keep different languages yours is like you're leo moon right yeah leo moon oh i just don't know oh i think follow your head well i was thinking literally the other day i was thinking about when we had that discussion and we put it on higher about

anxiety and intuition and being following your gut or getting led by anxiety and i kind of i think i came to a different conclusion than we had previously which was at least in my cell it's really hard to distinguish between or differentiate anxiety versus intuition because that's what anxiety does it feels like intuition but i think that's it when you feel like you're in love you think it's the sensible thing to do. So, okay, so there's a guy that you really, really like. He's fucked you over a bit, whatever, but you really, really like him. You'll manage to rationalise that.

You'll manage, you'll absolutely be managed to convince yourself that you should be texting him, you should be meeting him, rather than your head is screaming at you, ghost him, move on. There's another guy over there that you could be great. Whatever, just be on your own, whatever. Go to the cinema tonight, whatever. Little Women women is out go and see it yeah whatever you completely

ignore that your head just gets smushed smushed smushed engulfed by the heart which is telling you go after him go after him and you just manage to rationalize every single bit i just don't think my heart does that i think i think you've never you've never had a toxic old thing like when you're dating someone and they're just a bit awful yeah i've kind of have you ever loved someone that's bad for you yeah and i feel like my head and my heart are kind of the same i think my head is a heart and my heart has a brain i don't you need to look at someone ask me i'll take you to the science museum someone needs an x-ray because i, someone needs an x-ray. Because I think my heart is my heart and would be thinking...

With your best intentions. Yeah, I think that's what my heart does. Also, let's be real here. The heart doesn't do fuck all that. It's still in your brain. The heart's not doing anything for you. Yeah. It's still a part of the brain.

It's basically just your brain or your soft brain. Yeah, it's just like, what's best for you and your low self-esteem. It's kind of actually that's the battle. So in the discourse, I'm trying to get my head around this. Do people encourage you to follow your head? Well, there's a whole follow your heart, follow your heart. Yeah, I'm a bit confused.

I don't know what to believe. Well, I don't know either because... So follow your heart is the narrative that we know from Disney, from sort of our grandparents. Well, and also kind of like career posters. Yeah, but I'm saying don't. Yeah, you are. You can't, that can't be trusted.

I think a little bit of it can't be trusted. It's 30%, but your heart will lead you. To God knows where. You'll be watching Game of Thrones. I'd be watching Game of Thrones all day. Oh, right. If I followed my heart, could you imagine?

I'd be dating some toxic motherfucker right now. Okay, right. I need that head in there to go, I know think you like them but come on right i know it would be great to eat um candy floss all day so the hearts are quite a five-year-old oh what is it kind of your and your um your monkey yeah yeah your chimp yeah your chimp i would say your heart is your like impulsive desire yeah and your head also i'm saying the heart is also part of the head your head is your logic your rationale so i say follow i say follow 70 your rationale and be and be led 30 on a whim on your desires yeah i just think

listen my moon is in pisces i can't deal with this everything's just a link to emotion just linked yeah and almost if I made a decision without emotion it would be the wrong decision for me I'm also very driven by emotion but I do think if you don't have that tie to logic well that's what I think I think my emotions are really logical do you get what I mean because I'm not I'm really led by emotion but it's never anything irrational because I'm so balanced or whatever so balanced do you know what I mean but isn't that so i can't i'm not sure where it's coming from then but maybe i just don't count because i've been in the same relationship for a really long time yeah it's not something i have to think about as much i think well you would have it in sort of family friendships

and career yeah dating and like love is this whole other arena yeah where i do think it's that thing it also cuts very deep yeah i think it's if you've loved someone that's bad for you i know that like a lot of people that have been led by their heart in quotes led by emotion into situations which it from a rational point of view from a bird's eye view of the situation are damaging their life agreed and their head their logic is screaming no no no but their emotion is going but there was this one time like when he said yeah and it's just nothing well that's why going back to what you said earlier about looking at your friends um like romantic endeavors i think it's actually really useful because you get to

try out all these different people without actually getting involved yeah you've never been hurt but you've actually analyzed 45 but i've witnessed a lot yeah yeah i'll take the lot yeah and you can kind of really um assess the dating scene without having to partake and honestly think don't do that that whole thing where that happened okay i can see clearly yeah you learn vicariously through others experience yeah i highly recommend take notes on your friends dating take physical notes mental notes do not keep a notebook guys that would go down very badly imagine you find there's a note you go into your friend's room i'm writing dear diary sophie's gone nuts she's dating this guy she's

following her heart big time fucking idiot imagine that's bad that would be scary that's bad advice that's bad advice but keep mental notes of what all your friends are doing why they're going right where they're going wrong and just think i'm learning from these people that's why they're around me. We're all bettering each other, guys. They can take some notes on you when you fuck up. Yeah, it's teamwork.

Honestly, it's teamwork. Three-legged race. So this question is from Lucy and she says, how to not lose yourself when you're in a long-term relationship? I saw this one. And I'm just going to divert this

straight to Eric. Well, maybe I should ask you first, what do you think? How to not lose yourself. What do you think how to not lose yourself what do you do you think like what do you think well this is one of my biggest fears it is your biggest fear yeah because i just am incredibly independent yeah i just have always i remember having a conversation with you where i was like i just don't want a relationship i just do not want a relationship right now and we kind of broke this

all down as we did yeah and it's like no no you're just so scared that you'll have to spend time with someone yeah that's the trauma speaker it's like actually i just really just want to grow on my own and also you don't want the um like social perception of you to be she relies on a man i would die yeah that's your worst nightmare i would i think a lot of your yeah a lot of your like perception of the world is built on that oh my god it rules a lot of your opinions for sure because it's huge there is to me this isn't true in my worst ego wait what do you mean to me this isn't true there is a part of me but that this i also don't believe this thought right that believes that there is a certain weakness yes in being in a relationship yeah because you are dependent you are just dependent on that person for a certain thing if you broke up you'd be

devo like you're dependent on me imagine i said i'm not running higher anymore and i'm not gonna see you ever again then i would don't tell me you and your whole family don't try and tell me you wouldn't be gutted like replaced in an instant i think part of communicating with anyone like part of like um participating in society means that to some degree vulnerability yeah you have to or what you're just not going to speak to anyone ever again you're not going to build any form of relationship ever no i completely agree like this is it's an insane thought yeah but that i think there has been a part of me in relationships in particular that i have not allowed it to i mean

what classically would be called commitment issues yeah exactly but we have to do a big song and dance around it it's basically saying i don't want to be with anyone but then also not allowing yourself to like relax into that relationship and enjoy that person and blah blah blah so i would feel this would be a horrifying question of what to do if you lose yourself in a long-term relationship my answer would be scream eternally and like just die that would be the worst case scenario uh-huh so what do you think okay so the question was how to what was it how to not lose yourself in long-term relationships how to not lose yourself in long-term relationships it is

quite gutting actually because that is just horrible it's definitely a thing it's definitely yeah it's definitely a thing i think it's led by fear because a lot of people get into and this is the same not just with a relationship but with a job or even like family like security friendships you get used to something for long enough you will be scared to let it go because you don't know how that's not your life experience so yeah you've settled into this life whether it's easy in it or it has its challenges either way you're used to it and to be comfortable is preferred over a new experience or the unknown yes the only thing i think that's more scary than a bad situation is the unknown i hate that because i'd rather have the unknown yeah but i think that's human nature is you're

scared of the dark like you don't know what's out there um even if you're in something and it's so it could be really really bad and you've completely lost yourself completely the only thing scarier is stepping out is stepping out and leaving it i would still i know i'm the stepper though i'm the jumper i love the dark give me the dark yeah definitely i don't i'd rather have the dark than a boring room like do you know what i mean yeah i just i know i'm stepping in that scenario so you almost can't relate i think you're remember you the guy you spoke about earlier that you said you were seeing and then um it's cute but remember when you first started seeing him you were like well i hope he knows i just want to sleep with him and i'm not interested in anything else remember well i

hope he knows i'm not actually interested in anything serious. I should hope he knows that. I hope to God he knows that. And I thought, wow, okay. And then lo and behold, obviously it unfolded into, you did want something more serious. I think it's difficult because I think any relationship, not just a long-term relationship and you've lost yourself,

but anything that's going south and you've lost yourself, it's just led by fear and i think you're just i hate it i hate it i hate it get out i hate it so how is it not yeah yeah oh i was about to go in with the whole thing about someone that did who well if someone i don't know it's this woman but i saw her on tv once oh it was this woman and she had had like she'd been married for like 30 years and she was coming out of the marriage she'd like seen the light that he like wasn't that great

and she realised that she loved something else she was like I used to love like dancing I haven't danced in 30 years and now she's like 60 and she's like I love dancing and it was something I just can't remember what the fuck it was but it's like that is a nightmare you've now lived 30 years throwing yourself into like washing the dishes and like being everything for this person and like going

to work in an office and whatever um all in the meantime your passion your true love is has taken a back seat you haven't even done it i agree i think the only thing more nuanced than that and i think the only thing that nuanced than that and i think the only thing that you can do if you've ever been in that situation and you're like a 60 year old woman listening to us and you're like i love dancing i've wasted 30 years of my life or whatever is to just make sure you know that it's not wasted years and you've done a lot of learning yeah and and also look at you now you could go another 30 years without dancing at least you're gonna dance now yeah i think learning to put yourself first is an ongoing lesson in i would say like every woman's life yeah because you're taught from birth put yourself last don't even put yourself yeah you're

no you're nothing just forget it you are no one you were human you're an object you're an inanimate object yeah completely but also i think there's this thing now which is like okay so you wasted in your in quote unquote 30 years of your life or even six months of your life or two years of your life with someone that wasn't very good for you now right now in this moment you have that choice to start doing what you want or not or continue in that cycle of putting yourself last it's like being productive it's not productive to say i've wasted all this time like i have to stay with them i've now committed um five years of my life to them so i have to it's like no no right now you have that

decision i completely agree you can either stay in your boring white room or you can fucking turn the light off and fucking jump into darkness yeah and take the fucking jump bitch and at least then you know that you've done it yeah even if you jump onto a hard bed of nails you could jump on a load of candy floss yeah exactly it could be probably will be the best decision ever oh well then literally could be um john snow weighing down there oh wow you don't know he's down there i think it's really hard because i'm trying to think practically how to not to lose yourself in relationships and i think one of the main things is like assessing why you're in that relationship and who you're in a relationship with that other person should be bringing out all the best qualities of you

and the things that you like most in yourself if you're not growing together yeah they should be enhancing all the different you know best parts of you and bringing things out or encouraging you to hey didn't you used to dance before you haven't done that in a while why don't you go dance why don't we do that together yeah yeah they should be they should be enhancing have you got your tickets it's really like um yeah you should be encouraging one another and they should be enhancing your life not hindering it yeah they should not be threatened by your passions absolutely not or just who you are you should be in a relationship where you have space to not only express yourself but grow i think if your

relationship is working it is because it's a completely safe space where you can open up and be completely honest about who you are and not every you might not always get along about things that's kind of the fun of it but you should always have that safe space your impenetrable team force where whatever you say goes and you're gonna make it work and you can say 15 years in oh you i've never seen me dance but i actually really used to like it and they're not gonna go oh actually sorry you're a bit too busy actually you've got three kids now yeah don't really think you're gonna have any time for dancing. Yeah.

It should be constant, constant growth. Time for the passions. Time for the hobbies. Come on. Yeah. We're not doing everyday dish day. No. Not everyday.

Unless dish is your thing. A passion for washing up. Then it's everyday dish day. Could never be me. It's no day dish day. So we've got a question from Florence we love you Florence we have a question from her that says can you talk about validating is there ever an exception to validate is there you go first I keep going well I think blah blah

well just for people that don't know what validating is we're saying it's dating for validation it's our new concept dating for validation so probably done it you've probably done it your jaw has dropped your eyes are wide on the floor you've stopped dead in the street because you know we have just attacked you big time and we've attacked you in actually a very long form in a book we've actually written a whole book about this so you can go get it it's called validating do you really like them or are you just validating chances are you're just validating so that's around um but let's talk about validating is there ever an exception to validate can i go first yeah

of course i kind of think no there isn't ever an exception to validate because the validating in itself is dating for validation and validation is not just something you should get from dating ideally you would get it from yourself if not i would encourage you to go for other routes of validation that are more productive i.e starting a hobby reconnecting with old friends yeah meditation visiting your family like liking learning to like yourself yeah because the root of what's happening cannot be fixed from an external source especially if they're just a dumb boy it's just never gonna fucking happen guys and we would always say like we're writing this is just such a thing you write a script for someone in your mind and they're just not going to follow it like you're kind of thinking okay well if i say x y and z then he'll text me

back in five days time yeah and he'll say blah blah blah and then he doesn't he just never takes you back or he does text back two weeks later saying oh sorry i actually got really caught up with something else going on but now i'm around it's hurting my heart yeah it's hurting my my weak little heart so just suck him off i thought you said suck him off so just suck him off guys that's bad don't do that that's not my advice that's not the advice the advice is there is never ever ever a reason to validate whether you're saying oh i just want something right now i just need like blah blah just some just i need to feel like attractive whatever no no no it's actually kind of something we speak about in the book which is performing empowerment and it's like oh i know that i'm doing this but actually so my strategy is when something goes wrong in a relationship i just try and pick something up with just a random guy that

i don't care about i get a bit distracted and then i move on do you move on because all of that uh emotional baggage and turmoil and trauma is still there you have just shoved it in a box under your bed and it will be there to come at you in the night when you're trying to sleep absolutely you think it's gone and you're over it and you've just harmlessly got involved with someone new and now that's over and you're feeling great because all you needed was a distraction in in quotations actually what you needed was to do a bit of deep digging in yourself take a bit of time out and reassess where you're getting your validation your self-esteem from yeah the the issue is never external from all of the stuff that we're doing at higher the more more more more more that we go into it all i see is the issue is not external

no we all just have these built perceptions it's just about flipping them and also you're all living the same life like the amount of questions and like messages that we get and they all mirror one another yeah everyone's going through the same thing yeah exactly they literally mirror so it's like realistically what are the chances that every woman between the ages of like 10 to 30 are going through the exact same things and that's to do with do you know i mean something external no it's all about the way that you see yourself because you're living in a patriarchal capitalist society that is built on all of the wrong pillars that focus on beauty ideals standards of living success it's not real you're living in a society that hates you yeah and it profits off of you so what are you gonna do oh i'll hate myself no we're not fucking doing it no and i see old people doing

this as well we all have these same problems and we're going to continue having them till the day we fucking and they'll kind of dissipate and then regurgitate into a slightly different form for the next generation and then the new cohort will be thinking the same thing just slightly different disguised in a different mask fuck it today it's this tomorrow it's that it's all fake never never never just don't i i do kind of hate that thing of oh i'll just distract myself with someone i need to that's such a thing it's such someone gave me that advice the other day yeah just just get with someone new and then it's like yeah why don't we just double the size of this mess yeah literally because also no offense but you're ambitious to think that that other person is going to follow that script in the same way and give you everything that you want be interested in you just the right

amount that they'll give you enough attention and then leave you exactly when you want no way that person's gonna leave you and then it's double whammy exactly even the person you didn't want doesn't want you and then what yeah now look what you've done look at the mess you've created look at the mess or you get someone really tied into you and then you can't shake them off oh and then you're in a relationship for two years and then you lose yourself in the long-term relationship christ oh christ it's not going well for you guys it's going really badly so we're not doing that we're not um distracting ourselves with guys we're not validating no let's dig our problems out from

the root why would you shave when you can wax you use that weird epileptica oh yeah i don't use that anymore everyone pulls out each and every little hair with my bare hands i couldn't i couldn't bear it it's just a little epilator but it's one of the when you get used to it it's just like nothing oh it looks bad i mean either way why would you wax or shave just do what you want why should you shave while you have when you could epilate but it is that thing of why would you just slice it in half and leave the root still there ready to grow fresh when the time is right so there's a poison plant a poison plant is going yeah pull it out or paint it no pull it out pull it out don't paint it prevention is always the best remedy prevention is better than any cure we can offer you as in you've either

got two paths something has gone wrong you can either validate and date around and distract yourself or you can fix the problem and then you'll be preventing from happens again from future experience and you'll be going into everything with at least a little bit of self-esteem to help you out i think that's it it really is so sorry whoever sent the question it was florence oh sorry friends but no there's i think she's playing devil's advocate but she's actually just gonna get trying to give us a lovely little promo for the book and thank you you should definitely go by validating because it's our biggest and best book ever if you love 2020 vision if you love changing if you

love the podcast and you just want to you're just sick of it it's like right i've got to a place now where i'm sick of these dumb ugly dirty fingernail horrific Horrific. No pillowcase. Waste of time. Greasy hair. I'm lost, I'm out. Boys. Boys. Then read the damn book. Love it.

And that's on that. And that's on bad editing. And that's the tea. So I think we're done, aren't we? I think we're done here. This is a fun one. Yeah, I've loved it. I love a Q&A.

If you love the Q&A format, please let us know. Leave us a review. Leave us a rating on apple it takes you one minute if you understand how to use a phone it takes you 20 seconds which i'm sure you know how to use a phone so do that go by validating the link is in our instagram bio and it's fucking stunning thank you so much for listening thanks guys thank you so much for your questions also share this to your story another bit of promo yeah we love that and

message us what you think speak to you later bye bye I hate the way we say bye okay should we do it again yeah okay bye see you later Wendy's has a new breakfast deal. Mix and match two items of your choice for only $4.

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