Goes Without Saying - advice for your younger self: *wholesome yikes*

Episode Date: September 19, 2021

‘secrets from a girl (who’s seen it all)’ walked so this episode could run. sephy & wing share the advice they wish they’d received ~before it was too late, with some chaotic anecdotes and wild references thrown in for good measure. it’s sephy & wing’s life survival guide. results may vary.join the conversation every monday.speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram!you’re invited to our discord group chat: https://discord.gg/TvNeXxsYyV Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Goes Without Saying, you are back for another episode of Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I am Wing, and this is Sefi. Hi. I love it. Hi.'m seffie um this episode is all about the advice that we would give to our younger selves and the advice that you would give to your younger selves thank you so much to everyone who came through on the instagram with honestly some points that got us quite emo at times yeah it's a very wholesome episode i feel like

i would even listen to this back so that oh god that's really saying something might be a good sign yeah that's saying something wow yeah enjoy i hope you enjoy so i'm quite excited for this conversation today just because when i heard that this is what we were doing today um when your pa let you know because Wing had asked on the story and I'm not on Instagram at the moment so I saw it and I thought well Wing text me saying do you want to do this and I thought that's so cool because something we always say about this podcast is it's the podcast we would have wanted when we were younger and I think these are the conversations as much as I want these conversations now I would have really

really really loved to hear people talking about kind of patriarchy and things that I didn't necessarily have access to when I was like 13 and things that I knew felt unfair like why do I kind of have to straighten my hair for school like I don't technically have to but I also really fucking do well the boys won't fucking fancy me and the boys get to come in fucking wearing stinking old fucking sweatshirt they've been wearing for months huh yeah big huh so i think why i was really excited to talk about this was i would have fucking killed for this combo to have this content when i was a kid that's nice yeah and i think that's something that we really always like when we think about like our kind of mission with this or like when i say how can i be of service i'm always kind of thinking of like the young version

of myself and what she needed to hear i don't know i fucking hope people want to hear this shit i don't know yeah i mean if you don't you can go it's fine absolutely fine i mean i totally get why you wouldn't so feel free to leave because maybe you don't need to hear 10 Shrek references and kind of Bruce Almighty references. Yeah, maybe you don't. I love that. Did you have any immediate thoughts of like, oh, I would definitely tell my younger self this? I had literally immediate flashbacks.

Ooh. Instant overwhelm with like, God, there's so much. Like, can I write an essay? Like, do I get 10 points? So much she needs to hear. Yeah, she's got no idea so much well and also I was I was kind of going through people's answers because I just now logged on and saw what people had written because I was thinking a lot of people had said like stuff

around like body image or like productivity or like basically relax and things like that which I think my things would be similar to that and I was almost thinking like have we learned these lessons like because a lot of those things that i needed to hear as a teenage as my teenage self are just the evolved versions of what i need to hear now like now i just need to hear kind of you need to relax because the problems now don't matter as well like as much as your gcses didn't matter and that boy that didn't fancy you in science didn't fancy you and that doesn't matter yeah now it's just the bigger level of fucking adam driver doesn't fancy you and that doesn't matter yeah now it's just the bigger level of fucking adam driver doesn't fancy you so stuff i can stop crying about it yeah the enemy has evolved it's just

now you're on to like level two boss stage of your issues when you were fucking 12 exactly yeah yeah your villain has leveled up yeah i get that too i think it was like um it's hard isn't it because i completely agree i was thinking when i was reading people's things i was thinking oh have you learned that yeah have you completed that kind of yeah like just chill out or relax it's like from what place are you saying that because from my place i would definitely tell my younger self to relax but that by no means means you're relaxed that i am relaxed that's what was interesting i think we can look back at the problems we had when we were 15 and think oh god they're trivial they're not real things we're so far from them now yeah of course of course it didn't matter that that teacher shouted at you it doesn't fucking matter but now

it's like yeah but are you crying when your boss shouts at you because i'm sure you are if your boss is shouting at you quit your job if i've ever been trying to tell you to quit your job it's now i feel like as well it's this episode i don't know if it comes out after before i think it comes out before my birthday but i'm about to turn 25 so i'm 10 years ago basically yeah i was 15 which is that's mental so crazy that is insane so i feel i feel like also i'm quite feeling quite new year's resolution but I'm just very I'm more navel gazing than ever before which is yikes I'm excited to hear this combo should we just dive straight in like is there anything specifically like if you could give one no not one not one if you could

just give some lessons to your teenage self like what do they need to hear well I love yeah relax yada yada yada chill out yada yada boring i do feel like everything comes down to that because i get that i guess that all of ours would come down to that because it's kind of if you made it this far as in if you've made it away from that younger self then looks like you didn't need to stress that much and like i mean it's easy to say once you've seen it's like if i know harry is making it to the fucking battle of hogwarts at the end of deathly hallows then i can easily tell him to not worry about the fucking dementors in prisoner of azkaban yeah i've seen the ending so i know you don't have to

yeah it doesn't matter harry harry the basilisk isn't really a threat like don't worry about him don't stress but it's kind of um my favorite word anachronistic it doesn't really work to be like look it's gonna be fine so there's no point worrying it's like maybe if you weren't so worried it could have gone differently i don't know i love that that's so true it's real butterfly effect if you didn't worry about that one exam would then you have gone to that it's like yeah maybe you do need the little bit of stress also there's something about taking your problems seriously at all ages yeah you could have done something different well i don't think it's a little bit of stress but yeah i think it's just they should be validated like the way that you feel maybe that's also it is

like yes absolutely relax and chill out it doesn't matter everything's a fucking big fat joke but also the way that you feel is valid and like i hope you're feeling heard and seen by somebody or just by yourself in your life this is kind of in the last episode i went on a bit of a weird rant right at the end about how we should validate children's emotions it's like god children yeah i don't know i had that in me no it's true though it's so true and i really stand by it but it's the similar thing of saying to a 13 year old oh it doesn't fucking matter that um fucking katie doesn't want to be your pe partner in fucking tennis it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it's not a real issue it's like i i've been there and it feels fucking real when it's

oh we're going into partners oh shit i'm the only one without a partner and there's no sephie to your wing there's no wing to your sephie you're in trouble it's a real fucking issue it's not oh look my 40 year old self would look back on that and think oh it doesn't matter none of these people really matter it's fine it's not a real thing oh it feels real yeah well just because it doesn't matter to you yeah fucking 40 year old doesn't mean it doesn't matter to them what matters to you what your kids i don't have kids i'm a 13 year old girl in pe and this feels real right now yeah yeah and it's valid it's so valid it's completely valid so it's to every one part chill and relax also one part stress your

feelings are valid you're allowed to be stressed if you feel stressed i feel like uh i feel like with the emphasis on like you're running out of time you're never gonna get to do what you want to do oh my god like everyone's speeding ahead of you like what the fuck are you doing like shit you're never you're a worthless piece of shit yada yada yada have you noticed i'm really saying yada yada yada yada yada never really been my catchphrase but it's not something one really hears in conversation i guess i'm being really boring or something because i keep saying yada yada yada it's quite um um jim carrey to say yada yada it's like yada yada yada yada it's gonna be i'm a wacky i'm playing crazy face yada yada yada it's like yada yada yada it's gonna be i'm wacky i'm playing crazy face yada yada jim's back i didn't know he'd be back smite me oh mighty smiter yada yada yada it's so that insane well yeah so if the general kind of feeling that all of us are going in and out of is like

fuck i'm nothing i'm useless everyone else is doing amazing and i'm never gonna do anything good and blah blah blah it's just a little insight. Delve into my psyche for a moment of what it's like to be me day in the life vlog. I'm worthless. I'm never going to do anything. If that's what we feel sometimes

is like you're running out of time, then you go into overdrive and it's like, well, then I need to sprint to the finish line. I actually think that then does the opposite. You end up throwing a load of shit out there and seeing what sticks and some of it will be good but some of it will be absolutely dire and look around the room and you've covered it in shit yeah and i feel like instead of if you can take a lesson from feeling like time is passing you're not doing anything and like you're not doing you're not where you thought you would be and blah blah blah i actually think the lesson is will take your time then yeah

i really do feel like the most powerful thing you can do in this one life that you have is just take your time yeah why are you sprinting and i know life is short and it doesn't last forever yeah but you're i'm gonna be out of breath if i sprint all day and all night. I'm not going to enjoy it. I want to stroll. I want to just enjoy where I'm heading and just take in the sights. And I just don't want to live a stressful life. I just think it's a powerful... Also, given the state of things.

The state of things, sir? Sorry. What bit's that? There's a killer on the loose. Given the state of things. And the loose given the state of things and he goes the state of things i'm not even knowing what bit that is is it prisoner of azkaban yeah it's prisoner of azkaban when everyone's basically saying like look harry i don't mean to alarm you but someone's trying to kill you and he's like why would i go looking for someone that's trying to kill me

because you're harry fucking potter okay that's what you do because everyone is trying to kill you anyway because we've got movies to see books to be written we need some sort of plot here yeah i do just think the most powerful thing that you can do given the state of things being like such an emphasis on like get shit done like hustle culture like where's your grind and i don't mean like don't fight for what you want i just think own the fight like take your time with the fight like do it how you want to do it own the journey yeah just take your time which is such a wanky fucking word like the journey but it's like if life is anything it's kind of this journey without a destination or the destination is death death

i hate to say it i hate to bring it up so early yeah i'm gonna try and take my time then yeah it's like okay well if if the destination is death if i'm heading to hell yeah i'm gonna be dawdling a bit i might faff around while i'm getting ready if you and fucking kim kardashian and fucking hitler and also fucking the nurse that lives next door to you and fucking malala let's bring him again adam driver i'm loving him at the moment yeah i'm trying to think of random people you're all heading to the same fucking destination you're all gonna die you might decide to launch your own brand of skims or you might decide to be in movies or you might decide to fucking save people's lives that's not hitler that was the nurse you might decide to make the earth a better place like hitler you might decide to you can do what you want the crux is you can do what you want not if you're hitler you can't do what you want but

yeah all right fair enough but you have your choices of how you want to play out you're all heading to the same fucking place so it's like how are you going to use your time to be the best you can be and then it's almost like take your time you don't need to be kim k here you don't need to be adam driver you don't even need to be the fucking nurse you can just be where you are take your time don't compare yourself to fucking anyone people that are miles miles miles different from you that you will never meet in this life or a fictional version of yourself that's the dangerous one i think that's the killer the fictional version of yourself that's the killer silent killer do not compare yourself to a made-up version of yourself that's the killer silent killer do not

compare yourself to a made-up version of who you think you could be or who you think you should be even worse this is the bit that i think is so interesting because there's a huge bit of discourse that i think was thrown around in like teenage magazines or like stuff that we consumed when we were younger that was like who who do you envision yourself being and then i now think that kind of translates to us now being like am i the person my childhood self would have wanted me to be and i think that is so dangerous because the mind of that 14 year old would have wanted you to be miley cyrus or no one ashley tisdale or no one and it creates such an idea that it's like you're trusting the mind of this like brainwashed insecure hormonal thing and being like would that person be proud of me and it's like i don't think you need to worry about what that person would think of you i feel like with big life lessons they all end up

sounding really cliche and it's just whatever hits hits in the moment but probably nothing will hit and just it will be a big waste of time and this podcast will be boring for you but sometimes you there's one line and it just hits subscribe yeah but do you know what i mean like yeah like the general or when people say oh the only advice i can give is just be yourself but it's like what am i supposed to do with that i was kind of looking for practical advice yeah like sorry when i asked you for advice i actually meant like can you give me some actual advice but it's true the only advice that really matters is just be yourself because i for me my whole existence i think i didn't really

realize how much of my existence was just me trying to like not be myself in any way and also i feel like if you're not being yourself or you're just trying to slightly shift who you are constantly to fit an idea of like what someone else would want for you or what you think success might look like for so blah blah blah what you think is going to get you somewhere you're probably never going to get anywhere with it and then you've lived a fake life but if you do get somewhere with it it's still not going to feel good to you because it's not true to you do you know what i mean it's so fucking true because also when you are working from that basis of bullshit i.e you're masking to fit in with everyone else you're being like okay right often subtly as well this is the thing you don't always

realize you're doing it it can be like oh i just i'm yeah i'm being myself but it's like are you being the self that the popular girls like yeah because i feel like you're a different self when you're at home alone and also it's fine it's fine to not know who the self is yeah just have fun figuring it out seeming so wanky in this episode sorry but i know but i mean i'm quite into it thank you i'm loving it i'm loving the vibe yeah me too honestly no i don't mean you're coming off funky i mean the whole tone is you're like yeah you are but i'm loving it total asshole is there one piece though of advice that you'd give yourself like you could give yourself one bit to my 15 year old self i guess 15 yeah oh i actually i think if 15 is like the

crux of teenage and it for me it's like nearly 10 years ago yeah it just feels quite poetic for me we all don't mind going along with me or just i just think to your younger self but i feel like 15 was quite pivotal i don't know yeah just to my younger self and it sounds so depressing but i just think oh it doesn't even have to be dramatic but i just i feel like advice to anybody's younger self is just um like you've got a future here like don't yeah don't die like don't kill yourself like you you've got things to look forward to yeah you might have some good experiences in store just give yourself the opportunity to experience more because i think there is more for you than what you're experiencing

right now i love that there's a future for you here there is a future for you like try and want it like try and be ready for it like try not to be so hopeless that you can't face the idea of a future like you can get there it's there for you it's waiting for you everyone wants you to have it you deserve it let yourself have a future it's kind of the classic it gets better it does though completely does completely does or it could it could it could still be getting better but well i think nothing is harder than being a teenager in this society it's like okay that's pretty much the hardest age you could be yeah i love that so much yeah i just think that's it i just think it's like just keep going give yourself the opportunity to have more because

you can have more i promise you you can have more what's yours because that's my crux um what is mine mine is i well i was kind of thinking about loads of different stuff i was first of all like okay do i want to hit them with the body image advice but it's like look i think you're not old enough for that yet you're gonna continue to hate for quite a while yeah yeah you're not old enough to hear it yet that equipped you've got body dysmorphia it's a whole fucking thing you've got some suffering to do get on with it sorry but I I was thinking do I do that or do I do like I don't know others just like loads of other stuff yeah you're browsing browsing the racks yeah I was browsing the racks of advice that I could give this little girl and I think again if I'm thinking

of 15 that sort of age I think what I really needed to hear was like appreciate what you've got because I think I fixated so much on just because I lived in like a small town where I'd lived my whole life with my family with my friends that I've known since I was like zero literally like known them since I was one and I think I really took that for granted in a way that I was so desperate to leave I was so desperate to I need to get to uni and get out of here. I need to go to fucking New York. And like, I really idealized the idea of leaving the town and leaving and getting just all of this can go in the bin

and I just need to get out of here. And I need to start my new life and be this amazing fucking person. And I think I'd romanticize that from like TV and all of this stuff. And I think a film that shows this so well is the film Lady Bird. Yeah. That is like that idea of like, I can be so amazing when I start my new life, and all of this stuff and i think a film that shows this so well is the film ladybird yeah

that is like that idea of like i can be so amazing when i start my new life but it's like actually you have a life now you've got a life now that's very great and now that i have left i find myself wanting to go back and like be with those people that i loved at that time and still love and all of this stuff and it's like actually if you can just appreciate what you have right now i'm sure it's better than you think yeah i was so desperate to be like everything in this town is fucking embarrassing like get me the fuck out like yeah i genuinely think i felt better than people i'm not surprised i'm not surprised to hear this about you but it all comes from insecurity fully and just like sadness. I genuinely think I would be at school and feel quite like aloof.

I'm just here just to jump through the hoops and I'm fucking out of this place. Like you're a teacher. Why would I fucking listen to you? And I think it's actually like appreciate that you're in a school and you're young and this is your youth. But I was just so desperate to get to like early adulthood. Well, then you had a lesson, didn't you? where you didn't get into the uni that you wanted to you were kind of forced to stay for a year longer so i was stuck in the town for a year longer than i wanted to i think it's actually a really common thing especially from that like small town

like trapped feeling that i was just so desperate to get out get out get out get out get out that i developed a thing where i was like i'm too good for this place and actually it's not about it's just pure insecurity it's pure like needing validation desperation to prove to yourself that you you're like worthy of amazing things but it's like actually what have you already have the amazing things so wholesome got a fucking cat in your house and you've wanted one for years maybe go stroke the cat yeah i think that's my biggest thing i needed to hear just like slow down you're like pushing towards this goal but it doesn't matter yeah yeah you'll enjoy that when that comes yeah yeah so oh oh i love this so one of the things that someone wrote in that i screenshot and i've got it on my

phone now that i really liked someone said as the advice they would give their younger self i love this so much same it's so awesome it's so fucking awesome it's really sweet they said don't delete photos of yourself and your friends you'll want to look back on them with immense joy yeah it just reminded me of a thing that i did that i have such guilt around that would be one of my if i could give one bit of like practical advice like don't do that one thing yeah where i went to mexico with my family we did like this big family holiday we'd never done one before like out of europe we went on this big holiday to mexico over christmas i'm really hanging on the edge of my seat what the fuck did you do my mom took all these photos how old were you i was 14 maybe 13 14 i don't know i was like 14

maybe 14 15 we were on this beach it was the most amazing beach we've ever been to in our life like it was literally out of god i know where this is going out of this like stunning like book essentially it was like we couldn't really believe it we would be like arguing all day and then we just found ourselves on this beach and we had just like the most amazing experience and just like dived into the fucking like waves it was so like amazing and my mum took these photos of me my sister and my brother like in the sea and obviously i was wearing a bikini and she took them on like her digital camera at the time and the next day they were all at breakfast and i went through her digital camera and deleted all of them every single one so we've got no photos of that beach

or anything well you didn't keep even the ones you weren't in though i don't think there were any she just took like five photos of us just quickly right right i thought you were gonna do like oh that's weird where did they go no i just said i deleted them i looked so fat in them i hated them oh and i deleted every single one of them and I just always think it made my mum so sad it made her so sad that I had deleted all the evidence of that and it was such like an amazing moment I mean I think you've made everyone sad yeah yeah yeah I think as a collective we're all pretty sad right now I just have such guilt around that and just almost like if I had just said don't delete them

like you think you look bad in them now but don't delete them just don't delete them because it's one i now know that i have body dysmorphia and i know that i probably didn't look bad in them at all when you were a child who's gonna look a picture of a child in a bikini and say you look bad well i did jesus i did well i can imagine if you said to your younger self don't delete them you don't look bad you'd be like fuck you you don't know anything you old hag you're just who would even trust you you ugly bitch yeah yeah that's exactly what you'd be saying of course you don't think i look bad look at you look at the state of you look at the state of you you've really let yourself go to be honest yeah you've let yourself

go i don't trust you that's one of the bits of advice that i really think is like just don't delete anything just like even my old diaries and stuff i used to keep a diary so much and then i like binned my old diary and shit it's like why do that yeah literally why do that just keep just keep stuff even if you lose it doesn't fucking matter it never matters if you don't see these photos again they don't need to be on your fucking fridge it's like just don't delete them yeah that is really sad i'm really quite desperate to see them though i'm kind of thinking like well there must be a way to get them back they were just so like us in our raw happiest form like we'd had a huge argument as well before because we've been tracking because my mum was an archaeologist and she really is like right okay we're gonna go around

these archaeological ruins and i'm like we're in fucking mexico why would we do that and we'd been arguing my sister was wearing a polo top and for people that don't know this i have a phobia of polo tops yeah and i remember crying and saying you're ruining the holiday because you're wearing this like this polo top and then we'd all had this huge argument and then we just like found this beach and it was so stunning and then i just deleted everything the next morning photos of you in your rawest happiest form is exactly what insecure teenager thinks is a nightmare it's just their worst nightmare isn't it because it's embarrassing not hard it's like oh my god it's me just being happy with my family

yeah in a bikini my worst nightmare at the time so and they're gone i just feel so bad about it i i do feel bad yeah i hate that honestly my mum brings it up sometimes she's like because i'm not trusted with photos no anymore like if if there's family photos and stuff like i'm not to be trusted with them not to be trusted with most things i think that's horrible so that one kind of i just read it and it triggered me i was like fuck it triggered the memory of like oh my god like really really don't just don't delete photos that you want to look back on these even if you think you look gross at the time it's funny i think with that as well it's interesting because

it really shows what you prioritize when you're younger even when you don't realize what you're doing or what you're prioritizing because i feel like that's also the thing is i feel like as a teenager or just when i was younger i think i didn't realize how much i wasn't being myself for example like i kind of thought i was but with the priorities thing it's just interesting like now you would well you probably wouldn't delete the photos now or you'd like keep one or whatever because you also prioritize like that memory with your family and like we understand now that like life isn't you know like nothing's guaranteed don't take it for granted like things have different meaning now

like you prioritize things very differently now but also like you can i guess i think that's it's just you can't take that away even though if you didn't delete those photos you'd be a different person to talk about butterfly effect do you know what i mean like yeah completely completely if you didn't delete those photos it very much is like a formative thing because now you know that's been some sort of like lesson for you well i might go and delete my wedding photos fucking hell yeah i might be like looks fucking fat in those i've learned so much from that because it's like even if you think you look bad it wasn't about what you look like

maybe just sit on the feeling of badness yeah just just be like yeah that you think you look bad in them you also thought you look bad in your school photo but your grandma has got that up on her fucking mantelpiece it doesn't matter it doesn't matter at all or to everyone else it's just a nice photo of like everyone having a good time but for you it was a bikini pic raid the room for me it's like oh my god that would never be seen in vogue so that has to leave yeah yeah yeah and it's the classic thing of um people always say oh do you ever look back on a photo of yourself and think oh like why was i worried about how i looked there and i look so good uh-huh i don't ever really see any photos like there are no real photos of myself from that age like there are if i was going to go through my

friends old like facebook albums and see things but that would be one that i'd be so interested to see now that i know that i have like a fucking disorder with it it would be so interesting to be like i don't know how bad you thought it was yeah yeah that's what you were worried about yeah that's what snake yeah that's what snake wants it's not even worth doing it putting on the voice and everything's not even worth it yeah you know what i was gonna say and well i hate that but also love it do you have anything like that that's like a piece of advice that's like don't do that thing like that one thing like that event, don't go to that event. Things like that. So many. Mine more so is like, do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do kick off about that. 100%. Yeah. Oh, I love that. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Here's a show that we recommend. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple.

Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Just like, if everyone thinks teenagers are problematic and confrontational and hormonal and all of these things anyway, you may as well just like be it a bit. This is so fucking true. Like, there's no point as a teenager sort of invalidating your own feelings because everyone else is going to invalidate them so kick off for sure be fair but if something's wrong if something's wrong say it's wrong yeah maybe don't kick off but exactly yeah no one's going to believe

you either way exactly yeah it's not obvious i was not going to go well either way but you may as well do it but i think getting into the habit of learning that you don't validate your own feelings or getting into the habit of learning that you don't validate your own feelings or getting into the habit of learning that you don't even listen to yourself only shows you or just further affirms your belief that no one is going to listen to you and i just feel like if you can get that in an early age easier said than done because i think you learn from really early on to like try and keep the people like everyone else's feelings are your responsibility and yada yada yada yada yada for yada yada's sake yeah i just think just stand up for yourself or like let people know a bit more i mean we talk about school a lot but i sometimes think this with

teachers it's like be ruder to teachers but me and you were opposites in that way i feel like i feel like you're already pretty rude i don't think i was rude enough what i don't think i was just in the way that when i would see an injustice happening right within like the teachers asserting their sort of sense of authority on children oh they're on a power trip yeah they're feeling very important they're feeling very powerful because they feel powerless in their own marriages so they come in at the students yeah i just wish i had been more vocal with that and i was vocal but how are you to know you could never articulate what you know now that's the thing i wish i had the language and just like the knowledge that i have now yeah when you walk into a room and

there's a teacher screaming at a student like there's a fucking 50 year old man screaming at like an 11 year old boy yeah it's like sorry i'm have to say something now what is wrong with you are you okay did you have a bad morning you as an 11 year old girl sorry i have to say something now like you are insane yeah there's something going on here yeah there's something going like you're a freak or just like when you see the PE teacher's hand slightly lingering too long on the girl's waist it's like I'm sorry I might need to say something now that I know you're a pedophile yeah yeah but it's like in hindsight thought you ought to know thought you ought to know you'll be in jail in like five years I love that yours is to be more vocal and all of these things because i think there's so often with people like oh just keep your mouth shut and that it's instance like that will blow over and things

like that i love that i love when anyone gives themselves permission especially women i love when they give them themselves permission to be more it's like yeah be angrier be louder and i think i was an angry and a loud child and an angry and loud teenager like yeah you were i think for me it would be be a bit less come on like be a bit nicer to your mom or like yeah don't like call someone this word yeah just just maybe don't kick off don't kick off for every opportunity like maybe pick your battles slightly but i love it when someone's like no kick off more yeah i think when you when you actually feel because it's i guess for both of us it's about how do you actually feel about it so like are you kicking off just to kick off

or like are you staying silent it is pick your battles it's like know when you should speak that goes both ways i think it's like know when you should be loud and also then know when like look yeah you're right to be quiet now yeah yeah yeah you're shouting over nothing i just think there's a tendency yeah to minimize i agree with you completely i don't know i guess i don't know yeah i think there is just a tendency to minimize like i'll be learning that forever probs yeah but i'm definitely much more i've god i've come a long way oh definitely a miles just definitely miles and miles miles and miles i think that's great advice though for people that feel because i think you instantly know whether you're

being too quiet or too potentially loud or whatever i don't i think it i think it's i don't think it's a common experience to be like i'm being too loud no no no i agree you're not like other girls i don't think it's too loud i think it's um you're causing issues where there aren't issues um yeah i guess that comes down to back to what you said at the beginning about like appreciate what you've got yeah it's you've got a good situation here maybe don't kick off because it's not exactly good enough for you yeah maybe everyone's just had a bit of a shit day today not just you oh i love this but i think it's a great lesson as in speak up more the world changes when 13 year old girls feel like they can speak

because that's what i fucking loved when i when i mean this i yesterday i watched a little bit of leaving neverland which is one of my favorite documentaries along with the woody allen documentary as well because what i find so powerful especially with the woody allen documentary as well because what i find so powerful especially with the woody allen one is when young girls grow up into women that can fucking speak and they can look the fucking abuser in the eye and they can say i know what you fucking did to me and we were both in that room i know what you fucking did there's nothing more fucking shiverable and powerful and just like could bring me to tears than that so i think there's nothing more powerful than than 13 year old girls that can look the fucking guy in

the eye and go i know what you did i'm you're doing it now and i'm looking at you and i'm a human here they definitely i definitely feel like just as the generations go on i do feel like the kids are a lot younger than we were when we started getting the awareness of like some of the conversations that we could have about that and power imbalances and all of that thing like 15 year olds now absolutely have the vocab to be like this is systemic injustice and blah blah absolutely it's it's it's insane it's insane but then it translates like you can say yeah this is systemic fucking power abuse of power in like an academic situation right you can be like okay i can take a step back but for example

but the one-on-one situation yes but they have that vocab now but then it's having the authority in yourself to use the vocab to be like can i say this to this man right now can i say it absolutely yeah of course but i think that is changing so much you don't think it's changing no i do think it's changing i think the more there's an awareness it is changing yeah but i still think it takes a different level like you can have the awareness but then it's the level of strength and like fearlessness that takes to actually be like i agree i'm gonna raise my hand in this room right now and say what you did was wrong well i don't even think it's strength it just you could be in a really dangerous situation so don't it doesn't mean did was wrong well i don't even think it's strength it just you could

be in a really dangerous situation so don't it doesn't mean you're weak if you don't speak like no no i don't think you should yeah yeah but that's what i mean by like it's a fearlessness i definitely think there are many to be honest probably the majority of situations you probably shouldn't say anything because the world is fucked and you're putting yourself in danger but i just think the power that comes with someone being able to actually articulate what they know and then feeling like they are safe to do that is like the creme de la creme of life oh my god i think in part as well like that can come with age and just getting to that place yeah kind of like i'll wait you out yeah because you have not burnt all the evidence because i'm still alive and kicking and i will wait you out until i'm in a safe position to come back and

haunt you like a motherfucking ghost bitch and tear your shit up yeah not even but yeah and just and let you know to look you in the eye yeah so iconic so iconic let's take a moment for the shivers it's so good it's it that's it yeah and that's why those documentaries really hit watching people as adults tell the truth of what happened when they were too powerless to tell that story and people were invalidating them because it's like you were 11 like you don't know like honestly no that's just not even it it's like no i'm an adult i have a kid i know what happened to me if that happened to my kid it would be wrong i see with full clarity what happened now and it's just oh it's it's um it's fucking power it's total reclaiming the power yeah you have power now wow i spent my life who

knew this would go there yeah no but i think that's it that's that's entirely it for me yeah that's entirely it that's all it is is that you're gonna get through that and then you'll be on the other side everything from then on is just the other side even if it's shitty you're through it it's the other side yeah just wow okay maybe that's actually what i would if i would if i could give my younger self a spoiler i would say spoiler alert your time is coming and you're gonna go back and you're gonna say to his fucking face as an adult x y and z yeah but you can't deliver a spoiler like that i would have really thrown me off like i needed to not know that was coming otherwise i'd be nervous for 10 years you bet please no yeah don't send me back there yeah you

can't deliver a spoiler like that because also that's the the season finale exactly and that's it though and just like just trust that there's something waiting for you if you can make it there's more to your life if you can get there if you can if you can keep going there's more yeah go on give us give us a new point it's just brilliant it's just brilliant brilliant but scary it is brilliant but scary it It is brilliant, but scary. It is, yeah. Brilliant, but scary. Well, do you want to move on or do you want to stay here? No, I want you to find someone's thing that you like. Well, I've just found someone's.

Go on. This is a change of tone. Great. But they said, don't rush into sex and romance just because you feel like you need to. Wait until you're ready. Ooh, 100%. It should go without saying, but it doesn't, does it? It should go without saying but it doesn't does it it should go without saying it doesn't yeah it does it really doesn't because even though you can know it you can know

no no wait until you're ready wait until you're ready oh but everyone else is ready why am i not ready it's all cliches you're not listening yeah it's all cliches and that's i do kind of feel like the whole crux of this episode will be largely redundant if you're in the position where you need to be hearing these sorts of things because most of the time all these cliches just roll right off us because it's the lessons that everyone's been telling us and we just it's so hard to hear because you're like well you what do you know my situation's unique but actually i think when you grow up you realize oh i actually wasn't that unique like that is a cliche for a reason because everyone goes through a very similar thing or like it's a very common experience right of passage yeah i just think it's quite interesting

as well like the difference they said sex and romance and i just almost think look there's no romance happening at school like don't worry about that i think there is oh actually that well you've been in relationship with your like school boyfriend yeah okay true yeah i think there is flirting as like kids teenagers your hormonal teenagers and everyone's flirting there is fun to that there's no rush but there is fun oh there's 100 there's so much fun i think that's what i mean by romance i think is like there's definitely a lot of fun to be had and like okay yeah it can be a very fun flirty time but i almost think don't put the pressure of no no pressure romance is a different pressure to sex almost like sex is like okay when you're ready you know it we know the consent talk we've done it we would hope but with romance it's almost like

really don't feel the pressure to have any romance at school don't feel the pressure to have romance at any point in life ever school a very unromantic place it's definitely a flirty fun place at times yeah at times but it is not really romantic in the canteen i think just at any point in life and i guess it goes for all things i guess not just romance or sex or anything just if you're if that's not where you are right now that's not where you are right now no pressure yeah and there will be certain pressures coming to you from society fine but the worst thing i personally can also do is add on my own pressure on top of oh and my i need to do i need blah blah blah no it's fine there's no pressure not at all there's no pressure i do have an interesting thought though go on i was having a conversation with my friend like

a few weeks ago or like the other day and i'm gonna be intentionally vague but she was talking about how part of her like i was a bit drunk so i'm probably gonna butcher it and if she listens she'll be like what the fuck you've completely butchered my point but she was basically saying or what the point that i was getting was just an interesting thought about how sometimes our sexuality and our power in our sexuality is rooted in the awareness that we're unattainable. So. Oh my God, I love it.

Right? She's a genius. She is a genius. Boy, is she a genius. She is a genius. But so she had this whole interesting thing about how like just growing up and as a teenager, it was very much like I'm above boys and I'm above having sex and all of this stuff and yada yada yada this is it and she's obviously goes out saying stunning obviously goes out saying yeah but it also goes

out saying quite insecure right because i've also been there exactly yeah and i and this is what i had never really i had a shaking moment when she was like fuck like yeah because she was kind of saying you know if your power in sexuality is rooted in how unattainable you are and it's like oh i'm just really picky and i'm just really fussy and like no one can get no one's good enough for me and blah blah how much of that actually is a lack of permission from yourself and total insecurity it's a lack of self-worth yeah that you is it more powerful to give your sexuality quite freely i don't know i get that it's big nuanced conversation and i don't want to tie it to teenagers because i obviously that's not my aim is not to get all the kids fucking

that's not what i'm saying and also what is seen as having sex as a teenager with a teenage boy it's not sex it's kind of jesus but isn't that an interesting conversation i literally fucking love that because i think it's so many people i think will see themselves in that because there is a huge element of female desire and it's rooted in the patriarchy that women should be unattainable and that they should only have had sex with a few men and that then if you see yourself as that as above sex above these men it's actually just fear a lot of it is so much fear so bizarre very internalized i'm above this anyway oh it's so fascinating isn't it well it's kind of mask and i can never be rejected because i'm fucking unattainable anyway and like

you know if you can't share your sexuality how sexual are you i don't know maybe that's not the sentiment that i'm trying to give but for me or like for you know for people some people take it with a pinch of salt it gives me the energy of what i was saying is my thing i would tell my younger self of like enjoy what you have sort of thing because i think i thought i was so i was performing aboveness for everyone i was performing aboveness aboveness aboveness but it's actually just because you can't admit that what you have is good now and you're so scared that you're not going to get the thing that you really want which is to escape and leave and all of this stuff yeah and to feel important yeah and when you perform aboveness in like the sphere

of like dating and romance and sex yeah it's because you're so scared of rejection it's arrogance from insecurity that they can't reject me because i don't want them anyway yeah all right insecure literally literally literally tell me you're insecure without telling me you're insecure oh i'm too good for all the boys here because i think i thought that and i thought that i thought that at school i just thought i don't fancy anyone here and also you probably were but but also it's like i totally fancied so many people at school there was one guy that i really fancied at school who was it no no we've got to stop who was it we've got to stop saying names now because there are actually people that listen sorry and i nearly left one in it was

so embarrassing sorry that was so bad like i was literally about to schedule it there was a fucking boy's name from my school in it which was so embarrassing i love it well don't go telling me your business then you're at risk you know what you're getting yourself in for but there was one boy that i really fancied at school and i think i probably told myself oh i don't fancy them i don't fancy them like i don't fancy anyone here but it's because i actually just really fancy that guy and i just didn't he just didn't fancy me back yeah yeah and then all the people that did fancy me hey all the people the people that did fancy me i would tell myself i'm above them yeah but it's because you're so scared

because you're the guy you actually fancy doesn't fancy you or you're too scared to make a move or you're too scared to actually talk to him like all of the insecure yeah it's so funny it's a really interesting concept though isn't it because that doesn't die in teenage-dom no because this is also the thing i had when then i went to uni and i and i remember thinking when i go to uni i'll actually fancy people like i just didn't fancy people at my school i did but oh god i've got some bad news for you oh but i fancied like nobody's business at uni right but but again you get there the standards for girls at sussex uni is so insane it's every girl is stunning the standard of boy at sussex uni it's insanely low it's kind of crazy actually i don't want to be

mean but there's a big disparity across the earth i think that there's a discrepancy between girls and boys they're like every girl you walk past jesus oh my god so stunning so stunning every boy it's like okay seen you before yeah well there are but i remember thinking like who's the hot guy here and it was the guy i was dating was pretty much the only guy i could think of that i thought was like a hot guy at uni who right oh right now you think looking back that's the only hot guy no when i was in like third year i was like who is hot here right i'm dating the only one just him there's only one i've got him yeah yeah yeah but yeah then i got to uni and i was like okay like i'm gonna fancy people here or like this is where like all of this stuff and it's like, they're just the same kind of guys. Like, it's just the same. If you've got this false sense of like aloofness that you're like too unattainable for people, then that's just going to continue.

Is that aloof? What's aloof? Aloof is like, I could give it or take it. Aloof is like, you're neither here nor there. I've always thought aloof. Aloof is like, not cold. I think you're trying to say arrogant. Yeah. I thought aloof was like up yourself not cold aloof i think you're trying to say arrogant yeah i thought aloof was like up yourself should we look at the exact death yeah yeah cool and distant not friendly or forthcoming oh but to me that's kind of an arrogant not definitely not forthcoming but it's similar to distant or detached unresponsive that's kind of what i thought that it was like not similar to arrogant oh i kind of thought it was like a distance that comes with thinking you're above. But yeah, yeah.

I get what you would get. Yeah. You're superior. Yeah. Well, that's what I had. Where you think you're above because you kind of have a sense of like, I don't, I'm not gonna,

I don't need to care here. I think some of that is just in your character though. Because that's what I talk about when I'm like, I need your, your little thing that like, balms us. Still don't know what this thing is do you know i mean like you do you do have this i don't want to say it's arrogance but you have this thing of like oh is it self-belief that doesn't feel right it's just you just do you know what i mean i do i know what you mean i mean calling it arrogance makes it really awful it's come up in a few episodes now and i'm kind of like oh i'd love to know what this thing is but i do know what you mean it's like i think everyone you can see it from a mile off oh i love that can someone tell

me what it is please it was one of the first thing i thought about you probably but anyway yeah go on i think that's it then i just got to uni and i just thought oh this continues like this isn't a thing that you were just too good for the people there. Turns out you weren't too good for them. You were kind of scared of them. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that they're not fit.

It's that you're coming with pressure. Yeah. It's that you are like, just in case, blah, blah, blah, that I fancy doesn't fancy me back, I'll just pretend I'm too good for him anyway. Yeah. Yeah. To be honest, you could have kissed him. I think I did kiss him once. You could have had a whale whale of a time i kissed him once in a game of spin the bottle

who who is it again i'm not liking this name thing all right i've heard about him yeah yeah okay good you do yeah yeah you do like him not any you still like him should we slide into his teeth no i don't still like him this episode is dedicated to you to you okay but isn't that interesting it just again the pressure because like your feelings are valid but also try and relinquish some of the pressure that you're putting on yourself because that's unnecessary and there's gonna be so much pressure coming to you from so many different angles you're gonna be your worst enemy if you're also adding to that that's the thing if there's already the most pressure on you just the most most most academic family relationships all your friends all the pressure is on you who are you gonna be what do you want to do after school what gcs is he doing by the way um your

shoes are a bit embarrassing actually all the pressure yeah then don't make more of it where i've actually got to be absolutely perfect every day and i can never fuck up you know what pressure is also like quite strong now that we haven't had in the same way it's social media i don't know how people cope do you know the bit that i thought this is like over now but i remember when snap maps came out yeah on snapchat and i remember thinking thank fuck i wasn't at school when that happened because imagine everyone's at a party and you're like why is everyone together i would oh well i i just think i'm a real mom i think from a safety perspective i'm like think of all the old men you're gonna have on your snapchat and now they know they literally know what door you're at you're walking

home from school alone they see it horrific but i also think it's like say you have your like crush yeah yeah and some other girl you see they're in the same house oh my god it's bad it is bad i would have driven myself mental that was the one social media like all social media horrific to have as a child but that was one that i thought i am so grateful that that did not exist like at school narrowly avoided someone said don't be scared to fuck up and look stupid you'll look back and laugh and someone else said be cringe it's part of the process yeah yeah i i look back on everything i do even now and i'm like oh cringe like you're annoying yeah same it is part of the process

and that's why i feel like things take time because you have to do a million different things to figure out all of the things that are wrong for you. I think that's a life lesson. Be cringe. Don't be afraid to be embarrassing. All of this stuff. I think the people that I look at and admire in life are the people that have taken the risk of being cringe. To be cringy for a bit. In public.

Exactly. And even actually in private in terms of like saying your shitty little affirmations. Doing your shitty little meditation. Yeah, yeah. Doing a little dance party on your own so cringe but so important and like the person that gets up and sings at the school fucking talent show is mediocre and embarrassing i'm so much more impressed by them than the person laughing in the back yeah be cringe be fucking cringe for sure for sure yeah be cringe just do something anything don't give up on what you want already yeah like you're so young to be giving up and so young to be

controlled by what's cool because we know now that what's cool changes literally with the wind or even what's realistic i would love to do an episode on like dreams like as in like aspirations and dreams because i just think there's so much for having like unattainable quote-unquote goals i think it's so important to not cut yourself short before you've even like woken up in this world yeah like before you've even literally fully developed yeah you're quick to be like i guess when i'm paying my mortgage or like for my pension, it's like, sorry, what are you doing to children? Yeah. Billie Eilish in the wrong hands could have had adults telling her like.

I was also thinking of Billie Eilish. Look, realistically, like you're not the strongest singer. So let's not, you know, why don't you try and also look into X, Y and Z. It's not attainable that you and Phineas would be doing this from this bungalow. Like it's just not. It's so unrealistic. It's so, yeah, it is unrealistic. And it fucking, it fucking now look it's a reality so how unrealistic is that and if it's a reality for someone it can be yours I think it's quite amazing like obviously you want your dreams to work out but I would still infinitely rather be the person that gave it a go

than the person that was too scared to try yeah i would so much rather be the person that spent my whole life trying to become um a tap dancer than the person that became a dentist but secretly wants to be a tap dancer it's like look if you need to work at the supermarket and then do tap dancing on the side fucking do it you're closer to your dream that way than the person that never tried because they were so embarrassed of where like what i can't start tap dancing when i'm like 35 it's like yeah you can says fucking who yeah says the thing that wants you to be miserable yeah no god i mean i honestly could go on and on about how horrific it is that it's so normalized to just pretend you don't want nice things for yourself this is

this is actually something we talk about a lot or we did talk about it a lot i don't want nice things for yourself this is this is actually something we talk about a lot or we did talk about it a lot i don't know if we have been recently but how it's seen as more normal or the right thing to do to pretend you want small things to give up just small everyday normal things and the second you say oh actually i think i want that and i'm going to make this step to try and get it i want something slightly different it's suddenly seen as like rude it's seen as you think you're my definition of aloof which is the wrong definition yeah yeah or aloof yeah or you think you're too good for everyone all of this stuff or like you're embarrassing you've changed all of this stuff and

it's like why is it seen as so radical and revolutionary to want something good to want to be a tap dancer in a family of dentists yeah or to want to be a dentist in a family of tap dancers to be honest when surely that's just seen like that should be the natural thing just to be like i actually think i want what's best for me but it's like no you should want what's best for you as long as it fits between these small confines of what we think you would suit uh-huh no fuck that and what's realistic for you is that well you don't know how great i am so back the fuck up when you're trying to tell me what's realistic for me thank you very much for me barely even met me freak you don't know me yeah you don't know me you don't know my life imagine someone comes to billy eilish they say look realistically you're

just it's not gonna work for you it's you're not you know we're not being realistic here you're not good enough so excuse you excuse yourself every single person that you look up to in that way like famous or not famous or rich or not rich all of these things every single person that has like a story to tell i would say go on style like you because there are some amazing stories to tell from quote- ordinary people that are just actually extraordinary that's such a review that's such a tagline they should use that they should yeah because they aren't they're not they're not famous people a lot of them but like they're just the most go and style like you youtube channel but it's like every single person has had a had an instance where people have been like we're gonna try and put you in your box actually uh-huh the only people

that i really admire in life are the people that have said fuck your fucking box box yeah this box i'm not gonna fit in that no totally the wrong shape for me yeah and i just think that that's power as well power is power i agree power is power well let's go let's get out of here then i reckon cool well what a lovely little little episode from us combo really really enjoyed this one feels nice yeah oh actually something i started doing is putting on the story when the episode comes out yeah if anyone's looking to financially support this podcast it would be great if we could steer you in the direction of some sort of organization that we would have chosen week by week and we're doing that on the instagram so you can donate however much you would have been willing to give us to like a cause that we think would align with the

episode so shall we i think some sort of youth organization right keep up with the instagram there'll be something on there thank you for being here thank you so much you're exactly where you need to be and if you don't hear from us much you're exactly where you need to be need to be and if you don't hear from us i forgot about this i was about to be like yeah bye thank you now we're ending it with lovely episode we're gonna end it with this horrible joke if you don't hear from us