Goes Without Saying - break-ups & realistic boundaries: am i the drama?

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

podmothers sephy & wing enter the chat: spiralling on break-ups, rejection, heartbreak, and how to realistically set boundaries irl. ✷shop ✷ www.sephyandwing.co.ukhear more ✷ www.instagram.com/sephyandwingwatch more ✷ www.tiktok.com/@sephyandwing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Here's a show that we recommend. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world.

The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com It goes without saying, you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi. And I'm Wing. And this is a lovely little episode.

We're doing, we're doing, we're giving slash doing an episode about Big Sister Advice. We're talking about boundaries. we're talking about loads of things we talk about dogs we talk about loads of stuff it's quite a nice sort of all over the place cozy comforting yeah classic advice episode so i hope you enjoy stunning okay hey hi what a nice um little catch-up we've been having so nice as really nice yeah i'm back in my heated blanket i'm cozy by thosey it's lovely that does sound good it is really nice the heated blanket honestly is a life changer for anyone that is still on the hot water bottle hype is it on full volume still it's on a four i've taken it up to four which is the fullest it can go the hottest she's burning alive i'm burning alive just like i like to be really burning up as hot as possible at all times i really like a really

really hot shower same but the but the heated blanket when it gets too hot i said this to you earlier it makes my legs itch same but i don't even mind it's almost like you know how you must have noticed this about me when i come out of the shower i'm always covered in like red blotches oh yeah that's because i have the shower so hot and like it's a thing that people comment on that i come out of the shower it's like are you okay yeah i'm like i'm like not even my skin is red but it's like i have like literally like red patches on my skin and it's like because i've just like burnt myself essentially it's really weird yeah um but i just i have always done that i always have to have it burning hot same same i love a burning hot shower but there's

something about the water that's different i think there's the dryness of this. Is everyone interested? The dryness of a heated blanket. It's like if I've just shaved my legs. And despite the moisturising. Yeah, and then it's like you get in and it's like. Exactly, yes. It dries. It's drying.

Which I don't like. I still like it though. I hate. To get into a bed and the mattress is warm. Yeah, it's divine. Is life changing as an experience yeah it is my sister got into my bed the other day she had not experienced my heated blanket wow um she got in and she was like oh my god i'm not moving like it's like she's like it's like being in the

bath oh it's insane it's so good i know like everyone had these like yeah i know but we didn't so i was just like i was shivering in a bed with a hot water bottle by my feet thinking yeah at least my feet are warm yeah yeah sorry i didn't realize the whole bed could be warm you did you pushed me over the edges oh you influenced me you are the hashtag influencer that knocked this is my brother's hand me down he did as well yeah he got a new one for his birthday and then he was like do you want my old one it's a bit broken i think which it's working perfectly i think no but i was like no i love my hot water bottles and it's like no what a silly girl i was you had no idea you're naive no idea so naive naive but be safe

because i also i'm scared of like fires and stuff um so always turn it off before you go to bed sure um but we cannot be held responsible no but i always turn mine off before bed so if you want to do that do you because sometimes i forget oh my god really i'm just so scared of them i leave it on one all night that's terrifying you really shouldn't oh okay god i don't know the thing but like you know how at school they would always tell you about heat electric fires yeah like i'm so scared of them um electric heaters scares me same like a little mini radiator there was an electric heater in my life but i'm scared of a chip pan fire electric heaters are the one that gets me do you remember

there was one in um skate camp yes terrifying and that did scare me like a wooden we were in a wooden room was made of cardboard it was electric heated that's terrifying that was terrifying luckily we were sharing a bed to keep each other's go down together if we go down yeah um okay should we just kick this off wherever then yeah yeah we're doing another sort of big sistery advice yeah soft and gentle we asked on our instagram sephie and wing you know the drill okay should we do a bit of a breakup vibe yeah yeah sure this person said blindsided by a breakup any advice but then they said i love you guys so much i'm not gonna lie that was the reason i just thought we just have to say I love you too.

Yeah, love you so much. Love you so much. Blindsided. Sorry, I was yawning when I said that. Love you so much. So on brand though. But I'm yawning when I say anything, to be honest. Like I'm yawning like 30% of my life.

I'm yawning. A lot. I'm drinking a tea now. I'm trying to wake up as well. I could do with another coffee. blindsided by breakup that sounds absolutely horrible awful horrible awful yeah i think also i've always kind of seen every rejection coming see the end on the horizon like even if i felt like it came out of nowhere i think almost in hindsight i could look back and be like yeah no there were signs but i yeah i do think

when it comes god it's so horrible to be blindsided by breakup it's like oh it's horrible it's so unfair actually i do think it's so unfair you do have a responsibility if you're dating someone or in a relationship with someone to kind of be, especially if you're in a relationship with someone, to be updating them on your thoughts. Like, I do think it's really unfair to go from 100 to zero like that. Yeah. Where it's like, okay, we're all together, blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, nope, don't want anything to do with it. Change my mind. Horrible. Yeah yeah you know it's really horrible my instinct in that situation would be like well i just think it's so unfair how there's a huge expectation just when anything happens in life but it's like the world is like carry on here we go like blah

blah blah and i think with something like a breakup it's really like there's just so much expectation for you to just carry on with your life like i almost breakup it's really like there's just so much expectation for you to just carry on with your life like i almost think it's just not treated yeah i feel like it's not i feel like it's just hugely undermined but it's really it's like hugely emotional it can be like really devastating like oh it is yeah you can't sleep or eat properly like you can't take care of yourself properly do you know what i mean definitely you're gonna be so distracted yes that all you're gonna think about for the next i don't know i don't know how long however long it takes yeah month months or something i don't know yeah horrible really my main thought of that is just it's unfair and horrible but also the only thing i mean it's just

time it is time is the healer really it is like after a week you'll start feeling more accustomed to it after two weeks you'll stop thinking about it so much yeah to three weeks you'll probably be angry four weeks you know going through the stages of grief you know to this new album there's a theory going around that she's doing these different editions of the album um and they're like in line with the stages of grief that's a theory that's circulating that's quite cool what there's gonna be what seven six how many of stages there are i think five oh my god that's quite a lot i think so far she's done three yeah that's quite a lot i think normally she'll do like a few editions to like

emphasize a bonus track to emphasize like a bonus track emphasize bonus track and then release like the full kind of extended edition ideally got it got it got it um i am curious to hear i think it will be the breakup album of breakup albums so this is going to be about her and joe breaking up i'm that's that's what we're hearing that's what we're sensing surely i think it will be a nice opportunity for her to catch everyone up on on what happened there and yeah and just like where she's been since midnight it's like since being on the era's tour like she's like do you know what i mean like she's in a different she is in a different era yeah she is

different stage truly in a different era she really is a different stage truly in a different era she really is i think okay if you're going through a breakup right now what's on the menu to me it's to put it literally tiramisu i would be tiramisuing yeah no tiramisu we had an amazing sticky toffee pudding the other day that might be on the menu very on brand yeah you told me i didn't know they're sticky toffee puddings yes i've been eating them my whole life and i didn't know this the flavor of them is dates dates i didn't know that i thought it was sticky toffee and we had a really funny joke going you were like why do you have to take it there like i can't really translate that joke it was if anyone remembers the gym married to jim carrey joke that we had going probably last year like early last year it was in line with that why can't you just be jim jim for one second god you have to be on

all the time that was our joke about being married to jim carrey um it was definitely a similar um energy that the joke had yeah but yeah no i think on the menu is number one is my like support network really like number one is my friends stepping away like yeah and number one actually the number one support network that's my starter my main course is the cinema nice game of thrones all of my like um safe safe things in fact i'm actually having a bit of shit time at the moment something is going on in my life that's quite horrific um i won't go any further um sorry that's insane we'll leave it there that's a bit of a bizarre thing to say yeah um but truly just she's being such a trooper guys yeah it's just really we won't we won't get into it but um but last night i was like fuck it i actually have to go

into game of thrones like that is the only option but i i didn't even really make it that much through because i'm in that kind of you know like restless distracted thing yeah and i ended up i'm watching sex in the city fully through for the first time at the moment and i'm really enjoying it nice um and that's just kind of the sort time at the moment. And I'm really enjoying it. Nice. And that's just kind of the sort of thing I've been watching. But then I was like, no, I need to call in the big guns. Jon Snow.

I mean, he can solve anything. I need you. He really is. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Jon Snow, I need you.

But it was a bit, I picked a bit of a bad episode because. What did you pick? I picked, it was, I think it was called Garden of Bones bit of a bad episode because what did you pick i picked it was um i think it was called garden of bones it's like an early one it's like um quite sort of rob stark my king king in the north there's something in me it's still coming back for me i think oh wow talisa the female boss he meets talisa and then that's like like who's getting that joke is that so you know Game of Thrones you know Talisa in Game of Thrones you know Talisa

as in from love from X Factor and that she would walk out on X Factor with a thing that's at the female boss famously layered that's very much a UK centric audience it's a very Sephian wing world yes yeah but yeah i did call in the big guns for that but i couldn't even make it through but i think call in your favorite shows your favorite people and your favorite foods really and try and get outside every day those are really all i have i think any time as well like in life that you can use something as a bit of an excuse to like ease up on yourself i know i'm such a broken record like it's actually boring but i do think it's really important to like cut through all the shit that's

thrown at you literally every day as much as possible and like try and not be a dick to yourself yeah um that's the only thing that you always say that you're like just be kind to yourself just be kind to yourself which i know is annoying but it is true no it's so true and i think that when you're going through a shit thing like a breakup or something that's not what's going on for me but like for example let's use breakup because it's just easier it would be easier yeah yeah it's almost like why bring a new enemy in yeah and the enemy is yourself it's like why do that let's just be nice like almost forgive yourself for not being able to do all the things you wanted to do and like you're not feeling good and all of that is

like that actually except is not only expected and also like it's very good like that's actually kind of encouraged it's what you should be doing okay this is an interesting one i actually feel like we haven't spoken about this in a while i'll just actually before we go on to the next one really sending a lot of love to that person going through the breakup hope you're okay and you will be okay you believe in you guys also yeah i think that is quite important worth saying as much as also this is actually kind of just a lesson that i think takes a lifetime to learn things can feel so so so horrific in the moment that won't feel important in a year yes that like you'll look back on and be like oh my god i can't believe i cared so much about that thing even though it

feels like your entire world right now truly it won't feel like anything yeah give it like say that okay this is a horrible thing but like say you have a horrible six months ahead of you yeah that could be likely there's like four months the next four months are going to be really tough yeah you have to be kind to yourself throughout that it's going to be even worse 100 calling the big guns favorite shows favorite foods favorite everything yes you might have a horrible four months you might have a horrible six months you might start feeling better you might have a little thought again oh god it feels horrible but in two years three years you're gonna be in a different place yeah and it will you'll literally look back and be like oh my god like some of the people that i've

cried over in my life or some of the situations that i've cried over in my life i literally look back now with like a little bit of embarrassment of like or even just like empathy for my past self of like oh my god like you really cried over that weirdo i think that's the thing though that almost like the the content each time like can be different but the context is always the same like it's always a feeling that you could have given yourself that validation that you needed like it's always like yeah i guess i was kind of crying about x y and z person but looking back now i can see that i just needed to be a bit nicer to myself or like yeah you know, looking back now, I can see that I was actually, of course, I was going to be okay all along sort of thing.

And I think obviously in the moment we get wrapped up in like the story that you're living in the everyday and like the characters that are involved with you right now. But it's only like when you're able to zoom out, it's like, okay, like the kind of common denominator through all of that has been me. And it's literally what life is about is like having those like lapses and slips in like compassion and like kindness for yourself and having those hard moments and getting to the other side of them yeah and allow yourself to be messy like it's a messy period now like you're gonna be emotional

you're gonna be a bit chaotic you're probably gonna be bitter and angry and all of those human emotions a lot is gonna come up yeah and that's okay like there is no reason why you should be perfect through a hard situation wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment and not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts.

Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. Here's a show that we recommend. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.

I also remember saying this, like, probably last year, or maybe even a couple of years ago on the podcast, because I remember saying it to my friend at the time, that I was like, you're really, it's like, you're not one tiny mistake away from being destitute yeah honestly from being like a fucking waste of a human life like yeah people do bad things all the time and for whatever reason you think that like literally if you look at someone funny by accident or like you don't smile back fast enough in line or like you say something a bit you miscommunicate something yeah you think you're one tiny error away from being totally fucked and you're not you're not like there's so much such

a common issue i think most of us or a lot of us move through life with feeling like you're not allowed to do one tiny little slip up it's like no no not only are you allowed to make tiny mistakes it's also the only way forward it's like it's absolutely guaranteed i would put money on it that like between now and the end of life you're gonna keep fucking up on the end of today even so true as i said that i just built tea yeah i was gonna say that all over the heated blanket all over the blanket um side note really separate side note i had a really almost like a premonition earlier okay i had like a vision of us wow okay i love a premonition for whatever reason i would love to know everyone else's thoughts on this i would love to know everyone else's thoughts on this i would love to know your thoughts on this because i actually have complex thoughts on this

in general as you know because we have discussed it up and down here and there in life okay i had a vision of us at some sort of premiere event love paul meskel well is there we for whatever reason have just jumped him to kind of interview him for a little video okay and we have the classic tiny tiktok microphone and we say paul just really quick really simple what's one thing that goes without saying any answers but why is that such a bit that's really a good lie isn't it what's one thing that goes out he goes oh so i just think it's maybe um he's like andrew scott is perfect he's like it goes without saying blah blah do you know what i mean wow x y and z zendaya we love you so much what's one thing that goes without saying

just while we have it what's one thing that goes without saying she's like tom holland has the most impeccable rears of anyone i've ever known he does and i watched and he does yeah and she can't show up about it in fact and he does and she needs a platform to make that clear his lip sync battle still lives in my head i mean it's incredible what a performance that that changed you i think maybe as a person performance of a lifetime from tom holland in that role of a lifetime wearing ladies umbrella it's his best work it was um it was a strong character that he created corset wearing lady it was honestly imdb yeah it's posh super posh yeah but why is that such a thing you look amazing what's one thing that goes without saying so my complex like um yeah i

know they'll be like what does that even mean but i think that's kind of the bit but it works it works if they know what we do i think they don't know what we no no they don't know what we do but it's just like what goes it goes without saying oh what's one thing that goes without saying i don't know what i would say to that neither i'd be really put on the spot oh what i'd be like i hate this i want to go home um okay i love that though so you think we're gonna meet paul i don't know why it just like i said it was a premonition you can't ask these you know no yeah i don't question the premonitions i just let them come and i feel it's definitely not a fantasy it's definitely a premonition no it wasn't a fantasy at all truly it wasn't definitely not well i thought you'd be

interested in it because i think you're more interested in catching people on the red carpet and interviewing them than i am i'm just it i'm i don't know if i'm necessarily interested in that i don't necessarily want more interested than me um i definitely like you're more receptive to the idea than i am i am more receptive but i do really specifically like the idea of talking to paul mescal well that's how i thought i'd get you yeah i'm into that with the tiny microphones yeah i wouldn't mind a big microphones yeah i wouldn't mind a big microphone yeah i wouldn't mind a big microphone either but i think a proper size one i don't think i think realistically we're not getting our hands on a full-size microphone no not in that situation

anyway no basically it's our own audio we're doing it on our phone yeah it's for a tiktok yeah definitely um well i love that premonition should we do one more bit of advice yeah because we haven't spoken about this in a while how to set boundaries with someone who is selfish but sensitive and classic crux i want them in my life so tricky so tricky right yeah immediately it's like yeah no i'm there i get it like selfish but sensitive and you want them and ultimately i want them in my life a human issue can i just say this is this is ongoing get used to it yeah and also like the internet does love to simplify things and even just like self-help in general loves to simplify yeah set boundaries if they're selfish they're bad get them out of your life yeah

and they're sensitive you've got to do this but if you want but it's like no there's a nuance of they're selfish and sensitive and i want yeah yeah but they are taking the piss and you want them in your life it's like look this is a human issue that's the ultimate kicker i think to most things in life is like when you know that someone's a fucking cunt but it's like oh but i need you yeah i need you in my life though it's like i don't know what that would be to not have that option yeah i don't i don't even know if i actually have any advice but if i'm kind of working my brain out loud do you need to tell someone that you're setting a boundary with them because if they're sensitive i don't know if they're going to receive it well. Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

Yeah. And I'm sensitive and I know you are sensitive as well. Oh, I was not saying. If you said to me, or if someone said to me, I'm setting a boundary with you, I might be a bit like, oh God.

It becomes larger than life. It becomes larger than life, I think. I think it takes it into a new conversation conversation i think you can set a boundary with someone without them even noticing i think so as well actually i think it's more about you set a personal boundary with yourself with yourself i agree in regards to them rather than anything that's directly happening in your relationship do they even need to be informed do they need to know i don't think maybe not they just suddenly start you're suddenly a bit um less available yeah it's like oh i didn't notice god i've seen you i've seen you on the last friday of every month and no other time that's

what funny coincidence yeah i haven't been into your house but we've met for coffee loads like what are your like you don't need to necessarily say you're not coming into my house anymore yeah vampire for coffee vampire oh my god did i tell you the really bad thing because i'm getting quite scared of vampires sometimes are you well i said whenever otto comes in the door i let him out late at night then he comes you did tell me this i thought it was so fucking funny i sometimes say come in otto because i don't want to invite i want it to be very clear who i'm inviting in otto otto only it's like it's really a check that says like five pence only at the end like and nothing else otto and only no other entity yeah come here not invite

also otto is such a vampire name the vampire called otto is like hello it's horrible oh it's so funny but i try to say it's like the darkness of the night like i opened my door into the dark garden i'm like come in that's when it's scary is when you you've got the lights on in your in your dwelling yeah you can't see it outside it's just pitch black but in like so that yeah they can see it and i'm literally saying into the darkness come in no so i have to be clear otto i had a funny thing with my boyfriend the other day where we were walking uh i don't even think we had aussie with us we were just walking by ourselves and i

said i said to him and i would actually love to know your thoughts on this yeah i said to him i talk to aussie all the time when i'm walking here i'm talking to him the whole time and i said yeah i said to my boyfriend have you noticed other people don't talk to their dogs on walks like this don't they right and he was he his face dropped like he looked like he'd seen a ghost he was like oh my god i'll literally be out on the street talking to ozzy from the from the second i leave the door to the second i come back inside you're not madly going oh what should we do for dinner i mean i i can't i kind of i'm kind of saying like come home and we're gonna do your dinner and okay and then we're gonna do it i'm talking to him the whole time and yet when i see other people with their dogs it zipped tight

lip they're not saying a p but i find that weird as fuck i find it weird as fuck and i said to my boyfriend i think it's because we love aussie more than other people love their dogs no offense but if you're taking your dog out for a walk and you're not talking to him or her or them they but i should be embarrassed but i don't even think about it because i think they're doing that within their homes every single house that i've gone into that has a dog in that house everyone is like our little schnookums they're literally like yeah and you're evil if you don't yeah and they all have characters for him yeah he's a poet and he's spanish yeah exactly yeah everyone's got a character and everyone loves their dog but i think people go out onto the street and they get they suddenly mortified and it's giving them the cold shoulder giving them the cold shoulder is only a little dog it's crazy honestly he's like have i done something

wrong i've done something to upset you they hate going for a walk i just had a bit of a weird moment a bit of a kind of shaking moment where i was like i'm definitely talking more than the other dogs are talking which is fine but it's just something to note i think you know what i was thinking about this the other day because i this happened in brighton in second year i remember lying in bed because my bedroom kind of faced the street so i could hear all these conversations going on it was just like a loud street and i wrote it in my notes i don't think i'll be able to find it now but it was what this woman said to her dog i thought it was so funny he was she was like listen to you she's like listen to you barking and everyone's thinking why is he barking so much

because he's so handsome such a good note as well so good to see that in someone's notes and everyone's thinking it we know they are everyone's thinking why is he barking because he's so handsome look at that handsome dog and why is he barking so much but it literally was like because he's so handsome and I never got to see the dog I ran to the window because I was like I have to see how handsome he is and I couldn't see it

oh dear but yeah so I do think people that talk to their dogs too much do look mad that's me though that genuinely is me but you're not saying oh you

I'm saying embarrassing things I'm saying we're gonna go home and see daddy you're gonna have your dinner when we get back it's embarrassing yeah it is bad it's bad that i say daddy it's crazy you know you can't say daddy i do if i say to ozzy right now i'm not gonna say it because my boyfriend's actually not home but if i say is d-a-d-d-y coming home from work yeah but that's kind of fine i think that's fine or i say where's d-a-d-d-y coming home from work yeah but that's kind of fine i think that's fine or i say where's d-a-d-d-y and he looks at the front door and goes and sits and waits i do think it's weird though

because ozzy is old and he's had a whole life with jack's family as well that he won't have known jack as daddy he'll know he's a little boy no he knew him as brother but he's been promoted so now it's funny to be like where's daddy it's like wait that's his brother but this is this is the look family dynamics are complex sorry that we have a perfect nuclear family yeah but i'm obviously his mummy obviously but it's really confusing what. What? I'm his brother's girlfriend. Weird. Yeah, but you kind of are. No, I'm not.

I'm truly his mummy. No, you're not anymore. You're definitely not. I'm not. You're not. There's no way. Anyway. Right.

I hope everyone's okay. Good. I hope everyone's okay. Yeah, I hope everyone is okay. It's like, how dare I say something like that after what I've just given. I hope you're all okay. Because I'm not. But truly,

do hope everyone's okay. Yeah, always. Always, always. I'm glad we did this. I didn't know we'd be able to. I've been kind of all week being like, will I be able to do it?

I'm really glad we have. You really, you did do it. Yeah. Feels right. Good. Proud of you. Proud of us.

Thanks. Proud of you. Thank you. And we're proud of you too always always harry yeah if you don't hear from us assume the worst you