Goes Without Saying - break-ups & rejection: podmas #3

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

on the third day of podmas sephy and wing gave to me... a heavy pep-talk on self-compassion and heartbreak.join the conversation every monday.shop our merch: sephyandwing.co.ukcome and chat in our book club.speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Like the story of a cabaret singer and a sex worker who invented safe sex and saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out Resurrection wherever you listen to podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Hey! Happy Podmas! Podmas number three! Woo-woo!

Shall we do it on the third day of Podmas? Sefian Wing gave to me! Oh, Jesus, why is it always me? You never give me anything. Because I'm saying Wing gave to me. But I'm saying Sefian Wing. Oh, okay, I was more thinking me? You never give me anything. Because I'm saying wing gave to me. But I'm saying Cephean wing. Oh, okay. I was more thinking... It's from the two of us.

Okay, Cephean wing gave to me a box of chocolates. I have some good news for you, by the way. Oh, okay. Cut the cameras. Go on. What? Not that good news, but last night I was really holding myself back from buying myself Stardew Valley.

You don't know what I would do if you've got this why are you holding yourself back because i think i'm gonna do it i'm gonna get it for christmas it's not that it's like you don't need to like restrict this thing you want it for the lead up to christmas because do i do i though because i feel i feel like january is quite i've got a lot to do now between now and the end of the year yeah whereas january whereas january is like what am i doing apart from sitting indoors playing stardew valley i might even get covid treat myself that's what happened last year but it would be so good i would be i'm actually pivoting my um person that i'm gonna marry i think oh yeah you see you've been with shane shane

basically stardew valley is a game that's on the switch it's an incredible game all designed by one guy can you believe that yeah that is the music the fucking graphics the game design taking like 10 million years to do he's god yeah he's amazing his name is concerned ape is the name he goes by and he designed this game it's called Stardew Valley and it's kind of if you're familiar with harvest moon which is essentially like farming stuff but it's this i don't even know how he's done it stardew valley has this like deep like magical world where you're you have you're essentially a farmer but you're in this town and you have like a they're a marriage candidate there's this whole fucking it's insane it's the most insane game i've ever played in my life and it's incredible i've been going for this guy guy called Shane and he's like an alcoholic.

There's a whole thing. You help him through his like journey with his stuff. Yeah. But I was recently given Secret Santa as this guy called Alex. Who's like the town jock. And he's a bit rude to me sometimes. Okay. I can imagine you quite like that.

Yeah. And I'm getting a bit bored of shane's shit really and yeah you've had enough and alex i went into his room and he was like weight lifting and he was like i'm so sorry that i've been so rude to you i i'm obsessed with being a footballer but actually maybe that's there's more to life and because he's my secret santa i'm thinking maybe i'm gonna do shane and give him like an ultimate present what do you give him what can you give him like a fish or something well his favorite thing if i'm correct i've already made it i've got it in my bag ready for him it's like this plate it's like this dinner this is fucking mental

and i need you to come in ready for him in your bag oh my god yeah well i would love to i'm finding it very intimidating and i haven't even started yet like i haven't even got it yet so thing is it's the softest game it could not be softer you buy chickens you like literally that's what i want yeah it's so chilled but you can also then go into the mines and kind of slay monsters yeah this is what freaks me out there's a lot going on i fear anything with a time ticking element like i feel like there's a bomb's gonna go off like i'm running out of time sort of thing like i i know that time passes in the game and that freaks me out time passes in the game it's not like animal crossing where your day is in real time your day if it's tuesday at 12 in your

real life it's tuesday at 12 on the animal Island. In Stardew Valley, like, probably an hour is two minutes sort of thing of your real time. Yeah. So your day is going, but, like, the pace is, you get used to it. Like, it is incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best game I've ever played, hands down.

I mean, I believe you. Concerned Abe should be so fucking proud of himself. What a feat. And basically, I highly recommend playing stardew valley to everyone and also someone asked what are we saying star oh you as in d e w we barely had the conversation i saw that someone said what are you saying stardew stardew valley if you're american you call it stardew like like mountain dew yeah best game ever anyway i can't wait for you to get it maybe if you were going through a breakup stardew valley would be a good thing for you to have there are many many many lovers waiting for you in this game

like you've got your pick in the valley who are you gonna go for so i thought this topic would be good because i've forgotten the topic breakups and rejection breakups fuck oh that's why i just said that yeah that's why i just said many lovers waiting for you yeah no i loved i loved the response you're going for breakup perfect so i was randomly just bringing up breakups yeah no i thought yeah you're right i think everything's harder at this time of year yeah yeah and i feel like breakups feeling rejected feeling like you're out on your own in this world just hits harder in december i think it's a real there's a real sense at this point of like taking stock of like what you've got like with the new

year shit and then also like everyone that you love coming together yeah and it's like okay so if you've just kind of lost someone that you love the absence is like really like blazingly obvious yeah and i feel like i know we said in the other episode people don't talk about how bad flu is but i feel like they really don't and i'm gonna not trying to get you started on that but i feel like as well people we really don't give enough air time to how bad breakups can be and i know i've said before like i feel like the general narrative is really focused on like just moving on and being unbothered and um having a glow up and all of these are really superficial i know yeah but i feel like for me i always just find it confusing because i think of

course i think there's a lot of shame around people admitting that they've gotten used to somebody in their life and that they're gonna miss somebody and things like that and that they had like an imagined future with someone yeah not only have you taken away like the present version of that person but like oh my god my whole future was planned with you and now i don't know what the rest of my life looks like yeah yeah also the amount of time and of course friendships too definitely definitely maybe even more so i just almost think the amount of um time that people are sort of granted to get over a breakup is really short as well like even when you watch things like love island or i've been watching made in chelsea recently and as i shamefully admit that

like it is actually my recent obsession it's absolutely atrocious banal you've lost your mind it's fine oh i can't find it honestly guys it's honestly well and truly lost but they often say and they're like oh yeah so i've been single for like two months so i'm ready to move on it's like okay this is actually imagine you get out of like a three-year relationship and it's like so i've been single for like six months i'm ready to like it's like okay these are actually quite short time spans yeah giving them yeah and if someone says something like oh yeah i've been single for a year especially on love island what's given is like oh my god oh my god kind of thing and it's like actually a year it's not a lot of time to get over someone or to like rebuild your

identity from something that i don't know it's just it's just not actually not a lot of time to get over someone or to like rebuild your identity from something that i don't know it's just it's just not actually a long period of time i agree and i think i'm gonna hold on to something you just said there because i think there's so much shame around it about like rebuilding your identity i think people won't even admit that they have attached a part of their identity to a relationship because i feel like generationally or just societally like across society we really like underplay how much we need other people and that's not to say you can't be like an independent person and like i'm sure you're fine and all of these things it doesn't take away how capable you are or how confident you are in yourself or your own abilities or it doesn't take

away anything from your own worth to admit that you need relationships in your life of course you do yeah yeah i can't remember whether we spoke about this in the first episode or was it just our usual monday episode but we were talking about starts the documentary the jonah hill maybe that was monday i can't remember it was like a while ago and in starts he talks about like a triangle oh yeah we were talking about this off the podcast about hierarchy of needs kind of stuff like and at the bottom of the triangle almost picture like a pyramid scheme kind of triangle sort of situation he was saying like these are all the things a human needs i don't know if i completely agree with his where he's put stuff but at the bottom he put like your body is the main is like the

largest bit of the triangle then is your relationships and then is like yourself like your relationship with like the more internal aspects of yourself but i thought it was so interesting that he put relationships as larger than than yourself your inner world and it's like actually let's be real if you have fucked up relationships of course you're not going to be able to unlock that aspect of yourself that can like feel peace if you feel like there's shit unsaid in your relationships because they are such a huge aspect of like your day-to-day life yeah and it's integral to feel like you're a part of a community and that that then informs your sense of like purpose and like validity on earth as a human being yeah like

without and as much as you want to talk about like of course everyone needs to feel compassion for themselves and feel like you know they can validate themselves and blah, blah, blah, blah. It goes without saying. But also, we can't, if we start to neglect the relationships that we have with other people, there will be consequences of that. Like, you're not destined to be alone in life. And I think sometimes when you think you are alone, you're really, really not. I would say most of the time. Like like i don't know anyone that's actually well and truly alone in life and i know a lot of people that feel really alone i think sometimes

when you're feeling really alone it's actually when you're most rejecting the love that's coming towards you yeah yeah definitely yeah acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay.

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ACAST.com Also, we've spoken before about loneliness. And I think both of us kind of agree that it is one of the worst fucking feelings out there it is such a bad feeling like anytime that i can actually pinpoint the feeling of like god i feel lonely right now have probably been the points where i feel most unhappy like it's such a sour and like dark feeling so i do think it's like i don't even know can i ask you a question yeah you can feel free to answer in any way that you're comfortable to because that's saying can you tell me about a time that you felt rejected by somebody oh okay let me like really really fucking think about this shit because i could give some sort of bullshit yeah guy rejects me

blah blah blah but i actually don't think that it's that I don't think I actually feel that rejected from that sort of thing like that's almost quite in a certain way a fun rejection because then I come together with all my friends and we have a big fucking thing about it I'll cry blah blah blah also haven't felt like that in so long I almost can't tap into that let me think I reckon a rejection that probably hits the hardest I think the worst one I've ever felt is my parents splitting up to be honest yeah I think that was a feeling not even of I think that is the deepest rejection of like your trust being broken you're almost like a very abrupt like welcome to the adult world sort of feeling yeah And also a feeling of not just me being rejected,

but like the situation that we had, my family, someone is deciding to opt out of that. The thing that is the happy family's world in my mind. Someone opting out of that. I do think that was probably the deepest feeling of rejection. How did you come back from that um I started off by trying to get as much attention as possible yeah I don't know I was in year six I think it's been 100% agree um I don't know I don't I think in so many ways

I haven't ever come back from that like yeah I think that just goes into you like something happening yeah like that in a young in a young way I think has completely formed my understanding of relationships and yeah I actually don't know if I ever kind of as much as I have so much peace with yeah what actually happened and like my parents split up it's not that deep I do think that's in me now like I don't think I have um I don't think I ever did go past it really that's just kind of informed my um beliefs about like rejection relationships all of this stuff I think as well sometimes as you say like things are just in us forever and even when you've made peace with certain aspects of it as you get older and experience more and more in your life i feel like there are always new milestones you can make of like healing through something like

yeah i if i go through something it's like i might feel like i've hit a point of understanding of a certain situation but if i were to get married i'm sure i'll think about it differently if i were to have a child i'm sure it would bring up new ways of thinking about a past experience like yeah as we if i were to move to a different girl like as you learn new things about yourself and about life and about the world i feel like you can place your past experiences with hindsight new context yeah with new context and a new appreciation for the situation that you were in and it's not to say you're never going to get over what you're going through but i think it's about giving yourself the space to appreciate how hard an

experience can be and almost give yourself the pat on the back for like getting through it every day i think it's i always find it hard to like move through situations when i feel like there's a sentiment coming at me or like a judgment coming at me from other people of like god why can't she just get on with it no one's really saying this to me but like that's how i i feel like i'm constantly do you feel like that do you feel like there's people kind of looking in being like she needs to do this yeah but it's me it's me yeah because that's the truth of it isn't it no one is looking in no one's doing the fucking window being like you need to know look at her no one's doing that it's just you it is just me i'm coming off the last episode as well of the conversations

that i have with my mom about my mom definitely grew up feeling like she had to take the brunt of other people's emotions and just get on with things and don't cry and all of these things just be strong for other people and never cause a scene and I definitely had that embedded into me in a young age and took that on as my own characteristic and trait and so I definitely feel that all the time of like you know not being allowed to have the time to like grieve something or, you know, like deal with something in your own way, even though I'm probably giving myself less than the average time anyway. Yeah, definitely. Was there a time for you where you felt the most rejected in life that like springs to mind? One that springs to mind is quite sour. It's quite, there are honestly so many

um oh i don't know i don't know if i can let me save it for another one that you feel comfortable sharing um let me think even ones in friendship i think are fucking bad like oh my god that's so bad though yeah i think it's like family shit deep shit hits french early friendship stuff i think the deepest rejection it kind of ties back to the loneliness thing but i think the deepest rejection does just always come from yourself yeah when you're feeling that level of frustration or like it's been as hatred for yourself and who you are yeah and it's really that's so sad because then you'll see rejection and across all of your relationships because that's just how you perceive yourself as this like unworthy being and that's when it starts

feeling like kind of all the eyes have turned in at you and everyone's looking at you and judging you and it's like no one actually is you're just telling yourself yeah that you need to change okay next question if we were to have a big breakup of our friendship oh god we were talking about this the other day yeah how would you feel terrible yes terrible i i was talking about this like we were saying how i would hate to get meta on the podcast once again but i'm gonna do it we're saying how lucky are we like how almost have we wrangled this that we have got we spun it out like this yeah it's crazy how have we done this we've got a podcast that we love that i mean i i think we've spoken about money now it pays for our lives it pays for our lives we still have pretty um shambles lives but it pays

for that shambles like it is insane i don't know if i want to go and buy fucking like a can of baked beans you guys listening has paid for that can of baked beans like that is mental how have we done this and we were talking about like i don't know i think i was saying to you that this is probably like yesterday like do you fear losing this like how like how the kind of how fucked up weird words today but how like large does that loom in your mind like yeah is that something you think about a lot like do you fear losing it because i think i really fear losing it like from two angles i think there's one of just like how often does does things work out for things for people on the internet they inevitably become hated their audience yeah they do something dickish and their audience turns against them of course i fear us being fucking dicks and coming

out of touch and all of this stuff yeah using it and i also fear i mean i see two girls on the fucking internet more often than not the odds are not in our favor they fall out they have a huge fucking argument it ends in shit i've seen it happen many times and i think i fear it like i fear it on the level of losing this amazing thing that we've created but more than that i would then fear losing the relationship like how horrific would that be it would be so horrific yeah it like oh it sends shivers down my spine yeah it would be bad but that's why I think we have to be really and I think we are really on it in terms of like this is a strange relationship this is a strange relationship so I think it needs strange things strange levels of like honesty and

like compassion and all of these things because it is so intense I think it needs intense levels of like honesty and like compassion and all of these things because it is so intense I think it needs intense levels of like love poured in as well yeah I agree I think as well I think the podcast but also I think a combination of that like the podcast our relationship everything just where I'm at in my life is I've been thinking over the past year or so about how it informs everything else that I do. Yeah. And in the sense that I feel like I carry that level of care now into my other relationships. And like. Yeah.

Just makes you view things differently. Go on. Well, I think I like, I think I know how important it is for us to communicate and to. I just think for us, it's like my relationship with you is always the priority like regardless of whatever else is happening with the sapphian wing universe 100 you have to be my priority you're my number one port of call it has to be it has to be so then if you think about what it's built on it's built on that relationship so yeah if that's the kind of fire that keeps it burning there's no fucking way we can be like guys we need to sort of work on our um we need to work on sort of the audio quality but i think

i think actually the core is yeah is the special thing that's the only thing that actually um matters i also think i have such a strong belief in us and and then what i mean by that is in turn then i think it's really built a strong belief in myself like i woke up this morning i was almost laughing to myself at how well received podcast has been and like yeah thinking about all the really really nice messages it's actually like yeah makes me laugh like i'm like i'm grinning like i'm so happy like it just it's brought kind of in the way that it can bring baked beans into your life it's like you can afford to buy baked beans where previously you could not it's like now it's physically brought

two quid into your life it's physically brought much more love into your life and that is really special it's insane and i think that goes across all things i would have no shame or i would really like to think that i would try and have no shame about admitting regardless as to what would ever happen with us god forbid touch word yeah i would love to have no shame in being able to hold my hands up and look back and appreciate how amazing this relationship is what we've made everything we've created the history the memories everything and i feel like that as much as possible should be held across all relationships because yeah just because a relationship isn't ongoing doesn't mean all the meaning and value is lost i completely agree how

many things do you see the way i just spun that back in by the way you just appreciate that back to break up thank you so clever thank you she's done it once again guys but it's true right like i look at people in my life and i'm like well i like to think that i would have the emotional capacity and maturity to always be able to appreciate that like that was funny or yeah that was good do you know i mean what do you have um sort of examples of anyone that like you don't have in your life anymore but you still look back and you're like yeah we had a fucking fun time like i have so much love for you like almost there's the respect there even though like you and it fell out whatever happened i think it is about respect i also think i have that with almost everyone there's maybe one

big player in my life that i think about and i'm like i'm gonna keep you as far out of my life as possible yeah bad news bad news like yeah i'm not about respect like i actually if i could i would be plotting your death okay i'm gonna tell you that no i think you have plotted it i've um definitely been involved i've definitely imagined it yeah um because i think there's a big difference in the breakdown of a relationship with someone that has actually done the opposite of bring value to your life it's like you actually you never had a good relationship with this person no but almost whatever you brought me the only value i can take like the only lessons i have from that relationship because of me they're not because

of this person one do you know what i mean like this person brought a ton of shit in my life it's not even about looking back and being like oh but i'm a change i'm changed for the better now all the things i've learned it's like yeah because of me not because of the relationship or because of what this person brought yeah you gave me shit and the only way there's been any value from that situation is because i put in the fucking work to get it um i think as well like i'm in a long-term relationship now and i like to think that working on the relationship in a sense that I feel so happy in it, but I also like to know that it is building us both as people in a really amazing way. It kind of informs like, okay, well, then no, kind of similar to me and you. It's like, well, then no matter what, it will have always been the best case scenario, even if it kind of explodes. have always been the best case scenario even if it um kind of explodes it's still i still feel luckier to have had it than to have not experienced it at all that is a ridiculous i'm sitting on a

fucking don't be sad because it's over yeah yeah my friends on a hill in the fucking forest of dean yeah like it literally was like and it was a real like we all started crying it was like why are we crying over this like i think it's a winnie the pooh quote wow i think it's from winnie the pooh or like there's definitely some like fucking graphic with that quote oh my god yeah piglet so cute so cute piglet is the cutest thing in the whole world isn't he what about eel just a side note i never was a fan of eel really never too grumpy yeah you're such a tigger i was gonna say i'm so ticker there's no i think i'm winning i think i'm winnie the pooh grumbly honey boy am i not i don't really know his personality traits but i think he just wanders around the 100 acre wood looking for

love and friendship and honey with christopher robin um do you know who also loves piglet just uh there's a bit in fleabag when the hot priest puts his hand on his heart and he says piglet yeah yeah it's very cute what amazing is that that can bring tears to my fucking eyes piglet funny word piglet yeah so cute yeah go on um that that quote i don't know that was it well you were you were gonna say more than that surely there was this quote i was gonna say there's a quote that says yeah like don't fucking cry because it's over smile because it happened and as much as that is the is that what it is yeah no you're right yeah i hadn't remembered i hadn't remembered it fully that's funny yeah

that's what it is don't cry because it's over yeah smile because it happened yeah easy as pie it is so facebook that is the most facebook thing i've ever heard in my life but do you know what it's so fucking but is there a purer joy than living a facebook life is that this is why we're all so fucking miserable because we're all sat on instagram and tiktok if we're on facebook we'd be blissfully ignorant and just feeling our own life just gossiping about the next door neighbor sounds great yeah your world is so small isn't it on facebook it was really rude but yeah you only know your actual people you know in real life maybe some friends of friends like your life is your town that sounds really amazing yeah god it was weird times and like

uploading your profile picture was like a big fucking deal i still use facebook messenger for a few for a few chats that's fucking crazy i know how weird is that i don't even have the facebook app but i have facebook messenger for certain chats yeah i don't like it yeah i better move those over to somewhere it's mortifying just never speak to them again do you use whatsapp or do you text i text we text but then i only text people like i think whatsapp is an ugly interface so do i yeah everyone or whenever i message people they're like please can you just whatsapp me i know and it's so annoying and i'm like i think it's so ugly though i think it's so ugly but people love it people fucking live for it they're like there are there are certain people that i have to whatsapp it's just like get a grip but i still refuse to whatsapp them and i just

text them and they say message me on whatsapp and i say i don't like whatsapp again like it's just a whole fucking thing yeah they're breaking a boundary i told you i don't feel comfortable using whatsapp well this has been nice yeah this is nice are we ready to go yeah okay cool yeah yeah when we're just talking about fucking whatsapp i reckon that's i think that's a good sign to go yeah yeah thanks for the love and breakups though well is there one last thing that you would say if someone's going through a breakup what would your what your word can't be um don't cry because it's over smile because it happened give your own sentence those are winnie the pooh's words not mine um i would say or like my genuine beliefs about breakups are that finally i'm joking we're only half an hour right at the

closing thoughts right now you feel diabolical you feel like shit right now the only thing i know to be true is that it will pass yeah don't go fucking back to them don't fucking text them when they message you oh i'm lonely what don't do that just don't do that i know you want to every bit of you is like oh but i just should i just maybe maybe i should don't do it you will only prolong the misery and you'll be sadder in the long term everyone that i know that has actually had some self-esteem in those moments and being like no they are happier quicker the people that go back and do all this fucking shit they are more miserable for longer you can drag this shit out for years and trust me

yeah if they can have you on a little ding ding ding little bell and you arrive they'll keep you there yeah don't go back be strong you'll feel like shit you've got your friends around you you've got amazing films amazing books music all the stuff you need don't fucking go back to a scrap when you're a queen love it stunning do you have a closing thought no just just um i'll just echo that i love it um my closing thought is thanks everyone for making podmas really fun yeah can't wait to see everyone again tomorrow i'm quite liking that in each of these hopefully my voice is becoming less unbearable yeah i think i'm coughing less in all of never unbearable it's almost monitoring um

my journey back to health habit tracker okay thanks so much everyone we've got a new thing yes got something ready up our sleeve ready three two one go congratulations on the podmas oh my god regrets it sounded better in our heads didn't it okay bye bye oh my god

Wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment and not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet.