Goes Without Saying - Everything I learned in my 20s

Episode Date: September 20, 2026

EP005 - Wtf is wrong with me?This week I had a crisis over gaining perspective, Ed Sheeran, and men doing ASMR. @makesyouspiralWatch on ⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠. Follow on ⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠.

Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the Scotia high interest savings account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash h-I-SA to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. I hadn't been through that ringer yet. And this year I've definitely been put into those situations.

And so as a consequence, I've learned how I deal with it. And I'm happy about how I deal with it. I feel very confident in the fact that I make mistakes because I'm a fucking human being. What did you think was going to happen? Like the silver lining of something. So there was just a lot of devastation. And I'm really proud of myself for a lot of how I responded to that. I am eating prawn crackers.

You don't mind that, do you? I'm just going to have one now. And then I'm going to do it in secret when. when you're not watching me. I'm not going to lie to you. I was sort of like, do I wait till tomorrow when I feel a little bit better? And then I thought, I just thought,

this is ours, we can do what we want. I don't know why I wasn't really feeling it today. I think it might all be because there was a guy fitting a new dishwasher in the kitchen today, which might sound crazy, but like, why is there a man here? Why is there a man here?

I'm very grateful for the new dishwasher. really needed that because I've actually been living like, you know, that picture of Kim Kardashian where she's in like this sort of old-timey, ye old Kim Kardashian sort of vibe. I've just been basically, I've been washing my dishes by hand. Can you believe it? It's been killing me. I hate soggy things. I hate touching soggy things. I hate soggy food. As in like half-eaten soggy scraps. It's a pretty tough one for me to handle. So, like, I'm really happy about the new dishwasher. I'm not so happy about the fact that I couldn't just like whack it in myself. there was a man here, very nice, respectful man.

He did, I don't know, I shouldn't say this. He did wee with the door open, question mark. Like, it was closed over, but like, that door does shut, so I don't know why you wouldn't shut. There was like a long, there's a long hallway parting us. I didn't watch, obviously, just to be clear, should I put this in or no? I don't want him to stumble upon it.

He's not going to find this, that's insane. And also, if you did find it, like, hey, like, you did pee with the door open, though, right? Like you were literally pissing here with the door. Why did you do that? You have my number. You can answer if you want. I just thought that was a bit like, I don't know,

that sort of set me off on the wrong foot, I would say. This is not a big deal. It was actually not a big deal. I just thought, okay, just in a bit of a weird headspace today, you know what I did? I watched, oh, my love, my king, Thomas Too called documentary. Not my love, not my king, but a man that I admire deeply in my head. soul and just kind of wait to have him back on my screen. He's the England manager if you're not

familiar. You can Google him now if you'd like. A charming man up until I think his girlfriend's like a hundred years younger than him. No big deal but I mean whose isn't these days but that was a little bit of a blow for me. It's not his documentary. It's like the England like reflecting on the World Cup. I just love that shit. Honestly inject it into my soul. So that gave me a bit of life. And then I was just sat there and I was like, you know what? Go and have a chat. Like, I have so many things to say to you.

We're just going to have a little bit of a chat, really. New things to just tie all of the episodes together. First of all, this is our fifth episode. We're surviving. The pod is continuing. Here we are continuing the podcast. As Sethian Wyn would have wanted crazy times. And I'm loving it.

I'm very excited by it. Also, like the last episode, I was like, I don't know if I love that. and I edited it a bit like sporadically and I think that made me not like it because I felt like I wasn't in, I wasn't like getting the full picture. God, it's gone down a storm. So what I'm on about because you absolutely bloody loved it, which is nice. Some people did ask for book recommendations and I did, do you remember that?

Remember in the first thing, the first time that we spoke this year? That's crazy that that was the first time we spoke this year. Okay, little debrief on, you know, not the episode where I came back and I was like, we're back. the episode that I titled, Hi, quite sheepishly. That was crazy, wasn't it? All as well now, everything, the dust has settled on my life and like, thank God for that.

But just transparently, I had not a fucking Scooby what I was going to do next at the point of recording that. And then I waited at like a week or two in between putting that out and recording it, so that makes sense. I don't know why I'm piecing together a timeline for you, but basically the spiral really was plucked out of my ass,

short notice, and I just didn't want to wait another minute to come back to the podcast, to be honest. Like, I just wanted to get back and chat. And then I just thought, no one asked about this, by the way, I don't know. I'm just talking about this. Because also it, like, just happened.

So, like, do you, are we, I don't know. I just honestly couldn't. I had ants in my pants. getting back to her. And I was like, oh, well, I can't have at Seffian wing. It can't, like, and I just, I actually don't think I could have, I honestly felt traumatized at the idea of sitting down and being like, goes without saying. Goes out saying with, with just wing, I guess.

It's just horrible. Horrible. So we quickly pulled some things together and I'm very glad that we did. And I don't know why I'm doing like a little, like, summary of his, you missed on glee. I'm also getting some comments, which is really nice. But guys, that people are commenting being like, oh, just found this, this podcast, like, cool, like this is fun. Like, hey, I'm new. So everyone be normal. New people shuffling in. So make way, make way, be kind. Don't be weird. Just act natural and normal and fine. But that is making me happy and

also like, not alarmed, but like, just like, oh, I don't know that was a, I don't know that was an option. So I'm just acting like, everything is going according to plan, nothing to worry about here. If you are new, things are probably very confusing to you, are they not? And if you've been here a while, they're probably equally as confusing. And same here, to be honest, but honestly, guys, I'm handling it with class and wit. I'm joking, but I really am just, I'm rolling with. punches. Is that the phrase? Did I mention that I've been eating prawn crackers? Just if you were, I'm going to try and do it like behind your back without you noticing, but if you were starting to

think like, I'm suspicious that she's eating prawn crackers. Yeah, no, you're on something. I am eating prong crackers. And feel free to join me. I would love to know if you're eating something. I am, so I'm going to have spaghetti after this. Jesus. From morning hockey with a cup of coffee to timbits and road trips. Tim's and Canadian Tyre have always gone together. Now it's official. You can now earn Canadian tire money at Tim's. Link your Triangle Rewards and Tims Rewards accounts to earn twice with every Tim's run.

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that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit Scotiabank.com slash H-I-SA to learn and more. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. Oh, I tickle myself sometimes. What am I about? But I am going to have this. It's true. I'm having spaghetti after this. I know it. And then I thought, oh, should I have the spaghetti with you? Look, it's a nice idea, isn't it? You know what? It would make the experience of recording probably a bit nicer, but it would make my experience of my spaghetti a bit worse. And I have to say I did prioritize the spaghetti over that. I just think,

the idea of like eating and doing like a fun eating thing, it's a nice idea. But I think we have to leave it in the abstract for now and see if we come back to it. I think it could be good, especially when like food is so political. I don't know, just like, oh, have you got something scrappy and greasy on your person right now? Go on shove it down now. Like, honestly, let me cheers you with a prawn cracker. Oh, God, they're good. Wow. Yum.

Don't we all feel so much better now that we've done that? I do. to see the Odyssey again. So I went to see the Odyssey in IMAX the other day. My second time seeing the Odyssey in cinema because we had seen the Odyssey, wanted to see it in IMAX, right? Okay, fine, I did, I did, I wanted to see it like when it came out. But then we also wanted to see it, like, when it came out. But the closest we could get to seeing it in IMAX was like the other day. Guys, the film's been out for like 100 years, it feels like. I've honestly, the Odyssey that I have been on in the time that the Odyssey has released up until now.

This kind of minor tours everywhere, surce's pigs everywhere. I'm having crazy times, but look, I'm Matt Damon, I'm surviving. And yeah, then I just had a bit of a weird day, not because of the guy fitting the dishwasher. I feel bad and I should have said that stuff about him. I didn't mean it. It was a really nice guy. Honestly, extremely normal. But how could a stranger come to my house and piss with the door open and me not tell you?

A few hours ago, I have to say it. I have to say it. So I had to get that off my chest, okay? I asked for questions on Instagram. I love you guys so much. I, oh, I'm just, oh. Like, if you don't care for me, fine. I don't care for you either.

Like, we don't even know each other like that. But if you're in deep, right back at you, I am so in deep. I'm just like, I just feel lucky. Okay. I'm going to, I'm on my phone, but I'm not being rude. I'm looking for your questions. And you can, if you're watching the video, then you can see in the reflection. of the fireplace that I am actually scrolling through the questions and I'm not just like

watching TikTok watching like sand cutting videos just quickly sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry it's our podcast we can talk about what we want I keep updating you on my TikTok every week which is honestly a sad state of affairs I cannot believe I didn't mention to you guys how much I'm loving TikTok ASMR okay I've always been a YouTube ASMR girl and pros of that, okay? The pro is you're not going to accidentally repost it to everyone on your following, which I know,

I know I'm probably two or three nights away, two or three ASMR sessions away from sharing my personal preferences, the world of TikTok. I just, the amount of times I've been falling asleep, obviously, it's exactly what you're supposed to do with ASMR on.

And I can feel my my thumb has hit the, And I, oh, God, it's equal parts relaxing and thrilling it all at once. It's kind of like, so scary. I'm on the edge of my sea. Am I about to humiliate myself with everyone that follows me? And also, I've never been so rel-oh, oh my God. I can barely get my work.

I'm falling asleep. Wow. Anyway, cons of YouTube, ASMR. It's very high definition these days. I don't want that. I want it to be filmed on a crunchy iPhone 6. ASMR that I like. I like the girl who plays speed draw on Roblox.

They truly give anyone a podcast these days, it seems. Speed draw of Roblox, this girl does it, love it, love to see what she's drawing, very cute, very fun, very charming. There's a woman on there who, I can't really describe her, she's kind of in described. thick accent and I love it. That's her. She's probably like in her 50s maybe. Love that. You know what is missing from my SMR folder? A man. There's one guy who's probably like 17, a gay boy, a gay child essentially. And I tolerate him and I enjoy his work. Why would a man be here? How many times can I say that today? It's the theme of the day it seems. A man whispering at me. You think I find that relaxing?

My blood pressure, my adrenaline is rising at the thought. Honestly, I'd rather have a bear whisper at me. I'd rather be stuck in the forest with a bear whispering at me. AISM on TikTok. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Okay. Books you have liked something about change and phases of life. A lot of questions about change, actually,

which I did think and sort of like transitional periods. If you couldn't tell, quite a period of change for me. recently or just like a big sort of, ah, a rose such a cladder kind of time. Do you know that reference? You shouldn't really. It's not, you don't need to know about that. And I know that we did speak about a books episode. Was that in the high one?

Guys, I love when we talk about what we've been talking about. In that high one, I was like, ah, I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, and I'd ask you for questions again. See, nothing's changed really. And you had said about books and I had said, oh, we'll speak about books. I haven't done a books episode yet. I think because I wanted to just like pound the pavement a little bit, crack into a few topics, see if we've got the,

I want to say gravitas, see if we've got it in us to sustain some real podcast episodes. That was, I think, what I was, I just wanted to have like two or three episodes and see a book episode felt like a bit of a crutch for me that I wanted to see if I needed. I haven't needed it up until this point. I have, however, now just sat down. to just chat shit with you, it seems. So could have done the book crutch, but it's fine.

I'm using this as a crutch. And I feel like we needed a bit of a, what the fuck? Like, just between us, like, that was weird, wasn't it? Like, what the fuck? So that's where we're at. Just between us, where are you?

Are you driving to work? Are you getting ready? Oh, my God, do you want to walk? Oh, thanks for being here with me, meanwhile. Okay, so yeah, books about change, etc. And just the topic of change in general, we might have to spiral back around. We can loop back around on that,

because it's the theme of honestly my whole life, it seems. And I just have so many... It's just, if that's a theme for you right now, girl, same. And books about change. My favourite book, the book that I declare is my favourite book does panic me a little bit because I haven't read it in three-ish years, maybe. But it's definitely about change. It's about divorce.

The framing of it is so genius. It's Nora Ephron, so obviously it's genius. The book, Heartburn, y'ouch. Just, I mean, it's super short. It's very, you know, succinct. You can, honestly, you can pound the pavement with that. Crack through that.

You can read that in a day. Read it in an afternoon, probably, if you get into it. I'm rolling on the floor. I remember just laughing so much and feeling so devastated at once. And it just feels like a very, I think there might be some things in it that maybe, look, if she says a blur or two, don't let that reflect on me, all right? It's part and parcel with, honestly, first of all, living on planet Earth, it seems at this point, and also reading a book from 100 years ago.

It's not from 100 years ago, but you get the gist. If you need a book recommendation fast, my instinct is always to give you Nora Fron, heartburn. My instinct is to give you heartburn. Oh, I like this one. How to survive the anxiety between being unemployed and waiting to start a new job. First of all, hey. Thanks for everyone who wrote in, by the way. I know you know that I'm thankful, right?

You know that, don't you? Okay, I'm going to say something that I feel like is maybe also just about change in general. Sometimes, in a period of transition, for example, lots of people messaging about moving, just things changing up in their life, going to different places, being unemployed, going into a new job, whatever. I, this is, I don't have a sort of psychological theory behind this. I don't have a statistic to offer you. I don't have any interesting literature to back this up.

But in my personal and robological experience on earth, I know I do this and I have seen anecdotally the tendency to clutch for any idea of clarity on your choice or where you're at while you're in the thick of the change and the mess. I honestly think, for example, right, let's say you've moved across the world. You know what I'm going to be thinking when I've moved across the world? What have I done? first thing of my mind what have I done? Why have I done that? Have I done the right thing?

That's the gigar. Have I done the right thing? Well, I did this. Oh, well, that person was so nice to me. Maybe this was always meant to be here. Oh, God, no one's even looking at me. Maybe I should never have come here. I've got a bit of a headache. Maybe I've made the wrong decision. Honestly, that might tell like a joke. I've got a headache. Maybe this is a sign that I have made the wrong decision is genuinely, honestly, probably something I've thought quite a few times.

Oh, I feel a little bit uneasy. Well, that must be a sign that I'm doing. the wrong thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Zip it. I honestly, this is my two things in life. I'm showing four fingers. Two things in life that I believe in. When you're in the heat, when you're in like the thick of the challenge, the heat of the chaos, the mess is everywhere. Trying to find clarity, big mistake. You ain't going to find it, okay? You need to get through the mess that you're going through until you have an, honestly, an inch of hindsight that you can look back on and reflect. When you're in the thick, of a challenge, would you mind just getting through the hour, please? Would you mind just like

making it to the end of the day for me? Before we start sitting down, let's journal about whether or not we made the right decision. Be serious. Be actually serious in me for a second. What did you think was going to happen when you sat there umming and gnarring and deliberating thing if I made the wrong decision? Maybe you're going to convince yourself that you have if you give it another 30 minutes thought. You made the decision to get into the situation. Now we deal with the situation, all right for at least a day or two. Jesus, put the mind away for a moment. Not helpful.

Not helpful. You know what you're going to do? You're going to spiral. I know it. I know you're going to spiral. I don't want that for you. When you're in the thick of the chaos, don't try and analyse it.

There's so much room there. A time like that is so fragile. It so easily lends itself into second-guessing, your decision and bringing in the self-doubt and the fear and the anxiety and, I mean, this is psychologically backed. If you're in a period, obviously, of feeling like you are not secure, your survival instincts are heightened and you will be so hypervigilant for threat that if you give yourself, honestly, this is a me thing,

but if this sounds like you, heed my words, 30 minutes with a journal where I'm going to try and quote unquote explore how I feel about something and see if I've made the right decision. Just stop it because you're being silly, Erin Amarale. No, put the journal down now because you're being, you're being foolish little girls. This is me to me, by the way. If you're looking for threats,

the time when you're going to be most looking for threats is when you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, like you're thrown into a new challenge. You know what we're not going to do then? Is start trying to look for threats. Start trying to look for clues. You know what you're going to find? A ton of reasons why you're going to find.

made the wrong decision a ton of reasons why you should avoid the fear, run back home, get out of this situation, forget it, but we're not going to do that, are we? So don't go looking for answers, don't go looking for reasons. And then also, my other thing that I swear by in life is, and I honestly, it's basically just getting some perspective, but it's the sort of thing you talk about being really self-conscious about something and then imagining yourself at like 80 years old on your death. I don't like saying 80 years old on your deathbed because I know 80-year-olds and I don't want them to die. So I'm just touching some word, if you don't mind.

But let's say you're really, really, really old, okay? And you've had a long, beautiful life, all right? You, at that point, you know, you look back in hindsight and you see yourself at what. How old are you? Don't tell, what, are you, like, 24 or something? Girl, honestly, babe, please. No, don't be 24. Don't be 24 on me now coming to me with all these insecurities.

You have no idea. You're an angel on earth. God, I'm in a weird mood today. I don't know why I feel so moved. Yeah, I don't need to get over myself. This is crazy. I just, I don't know why it makes me feel emotional to think about, like, a 24-year-old listening and being like,

ah, what am I doing? And it's like, no, baby, you're doing exactly what you should be doing. That's what 24-year-olds do. They run around going, ah, what am I doing what I'm doing? And you know what? You look amazing doing it. And you deserve it. You deserve to run around for a bit.

And look around thinking, what? They're doing good. Why am I not doing good? You're perfect. you're perfect like stop it now you're perfect all right so just put a pin in that one find that little

bit of perspective imagine yourself as a hundred imagine yourself as the 97 year old diner that serves coat the old fashion way and you will soon realize that you've gained a little bit of perspective maybe it doesn't matter and when it comes to for example being currently unemployed about to start your new job or in that sort of liminal period, hacking your way into, I don't know, I almost think it's, there's a nice,

I do think this is almost something that I should probably incorporate a little bit more into my active life in like a tangible way. Maybe I'll start doing this. I always feel better when I'm meditating anyway, but I think it might be nice to almost, sometimes I like thinking about a certain like framework that I can use if I'm going to start meditating. And then I just don't do it. So maybe let's work on that. but something that I, something that I find really, really helpful and that I experienced myself when I was in a state of being, it was actually like when I just graduated, being unemployed, not knowing where I'm going yet. I've never felt more stressed and honestly quite shit in my life.

And now the fondness that I look back on at that time, it was funny. It was fun. It was fun. Super stressful. Also so fun. I just think like zooming out as much as possible. I might try I make that a bit of an active thing. Like maybe every day I just spend. It feels embarrassing to say. Guys, I might try something. I might spend like a minute or two thinking about

in the future, what would I be wishing I did today? In the future, what would the things be? What would I be wanting myself to like not worry about today? You know, just a little bit, a little bit of perspective. Wouldn't go amiss, would it? Okay, I like that one. Good luck for your new job.

Okay, I like this. A lot. Well, okay, let me just say, so many good questions. When I'm, this is interesting to you, when I'm going through the questions, yeah, I'm not, yeah, I'm not thinking, is that question good, is that question bad? Your questions are great. This is a me issue, all right? I'm going through these questions. I'm thinking, I'm thinking great question, great question, great question, but what can I answer you with? Okay, and that's so far. This is what I've come up with. So we'll see where we end up. But I like this. And it is something that I think about a lot.

And I feel like I, I feel like there's honestly room for like a 40 minute episode in here somewhere. Just want to get my head screwed on with it. But this person said, do you think popularization of mental health talk makes it harder for people to respond to serious mental health crisis? Yes, I do. In a way. And also no, okay? I think it's both. I think it's everything.

I think it's everything everywhere all at once. But yes, my main sort of, I've spoken about this on the poll. many times, I think. Mental health conversation, if someone's really, if someone is really, really struggling with their mental health, that does not look good,

okay? Doesn't look good, doesn't feel good, it's not easy to be around. It's actually extremely, I think people think that it's cutesy. Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion.

Elevate your savings with the Scotia high interest savings account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash h-i-sa-sa to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. It ain't cutesy. It's very awful. And I don't mean cute awful. I mean it's like really quite grim. Like it's unpleasant. And socially we struggle on a like macro scale and also like interpersonally, struggled to be able to deal with the discomfort of something being grim.

First of all, everyone is knackered, extremely overstimulating and quite, in a lot of ways, absolutely just quite a hellscape that we live in in so many ways. So people are knackered. Two, so then when we're having the conversations about mental health, because we are really, I think on like page one of the sort of unpacking of mental health. Like I just think like we're really, we're in the first, the baby's first breath of like research and scientific backing and medication and treatments and cultural impact, gendered impact.

Like just the conversation has barely begun. Therefore, we live currently in a state where we just don't have. the vocab to deal with something as like messy, nuanced, grim, sensitive as mental health, issues, struggles, etc. And so what we find is most of the conversation has to be. It just has to be raising awareness, be nice to each other, and that's sort of it. Because also social media just flattens everything into like a sentence. And so there's not really much more room to have like the conversation that such sensitive and like vast topic would require and also because it's difficult and like no wants to do that and we haven't even got into like the shame of it all and I'm going to be

honest guys like a lot of people like try and talk about eradicating the stigma around mental health okay but you need to stop stigmatizing people then that I have been around in my waking life, some people who have been really close to me, who would declare like, oh, there's so much shame around mental illness. Meanwhile, I'm watching you shame people for their symptoms of their mental illness. So what did you think was going to happen? Yeah, I'm feeling some shame about the symptoms of my mental illness because you shamed me for them. And then in the same breath, you said, let's not shame people about their mental illnesses. Dot, dot, dot. We just, we're not equipped right now. We're not equipped right now.

and I think it's difficult and yeah I think the influx of conversation that is surface level is I guess beneficial and that we've opened the door and harmful in the sense that we've opened the door and it's like ah I've been hoarding shit in there

we've honestly opened up a cupboard of mess it's like maybe just don't open that door don't open that drawer don't open that drawer we've spilled out and there's there's a lot of shit there's fucking cans of beans from 2012 there's like fruit flies. There's a lot of stuff going on in there that we didn't. Maybe we weren't ready to dig into, but we're here. Anyone who's feeling a bit down, I hope you're all right. And

God, the down days I've had, if I can do it, you'll be fine. You'll be, you'll be so fine. And I'm genuinely thinking of you. Someone commented, I'm really, look, I'm not going to, be such a beg, it's embarrassing, but someone commented me, oh no, I don't even want to say it just feels I can't say it. I'm too shy. But I'm just, I'm coming with love. Did that make sense? Yeah, I reckon so. Oh, that's, this is a nice one. I know I said I wasn't ranking the questions, but this is, the phrasing is so beautiful. You'll understand. What parts of yourself do you see flourishing right now? Aw. And then they said, they have asked, I'm just going to ignore the bit where you're asking for advice about your own life and I'm going to take the compliment bit,

but you also said just started a corporate job. Any advice on how to relate to co-workers? Good luck on your job. Anyway, back to me. Bit of myself flourishing. Genuinely, good luck and congrats. Everybody round of applause. Okay, but I am thinking about this because, by the way, did I mention I'm about to turn 30, etc.

Transitional period of my life, blah, blah, blah. And also, yeah, I'm just going through shit. And honestly, I was thinking earlier, I don't know if I should. should say this because it's going to sound honestly bizarre. Okay, few things. Let's just, let's not be weird about it. Well, first of all, I just feel very much like over the past, we're in September, so over the past nine months, let's say.

Honestly, the pregnancy of my life. Wait! Well, I'm not pregnant, just to be clear. But I'm more so mean it's been nine months and now I'm about to have my birthday, so it feels almost like I'm about to give birth to a new self, my 30-year-old self. Oh, God, I'm being weird in this one. Am I? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I think. Also, like, look, you know what I'm like. All right. Anyway, well, this has been a bit of a pregnancy, I suppose. I've been, whatever. I don't actually like that. I don't like what I'm saying. So I'm just...

Okay. For the past, like, nine months, let's say. Just basically the whole of 2026. I really feel like I've just come into my... I just feel very much like I've come into myself. It's a bit of a weird thing to say. It's almost what you would say about, like, a toddler. And I do feel a little bit like a toddler in a sense.

There's a sort of coming of age of it all, but I do feel a bit like in my sort of buildings, Romano's completed. And not completed, but I'm just, I'm putting one sort of coming of age aside and starting a new one. Because I know that there's a ruckus to be had in my 30s, 100%. And I've barely skimmed the surface of where we're going and all the mess that I'm going to have to clean out of over the next decade. but it's obviously such a time of reflection and I just feel so I was thinking today I feel like

I've learned a lot about myself like I have quite a lot of clarity on where on who I am I was thinking earlier this I'm going to sound so nuts why I say those but because it's quite a bizarre thing to say about yourself it's not something I've ever really thought but I was thinking this morning I'm not going to lie this before the dishwasher guy came and pissed with the door open so I hadn't been tampered with yet my mind was fresh i was thinking i actually live with like quite a bit of integrity i know that sounds maybe like a bit much to say about yourself but at this point in my life i can very today at least i feel very confident that like i have strong values and i live by them so not in like the edge of it all because absolutely not um we're going to have to talk about that because

what the fucking hell. Just thinking about. Because didn't he say like, oh, I just people who know me know my values. And it's like, okay, you might think you have your values, quote unquote. But if your values live in your head and you don't act in alignment with them publicly

or you don't interact with the world in alignment with your values, then you, they're not your values. They're just things that you think sound nice. Dot, dot, dot. I have my values. and even when it's hard, I try my best to live by them. And I'm fucking proud of myself for that.

And whatever. My face. I'm through Palestine, by the way. I try and do what I believe in and I believe in what I do. And when I make mistakes, I fucking own it. And I think I'm good at, I think I'm good at apologising and I think I'm good at forgiving. I'm very comfortable with sort of like repairing, sort of the state of the cycle of like what it takes to repair things. I'm just good at recycling.

I live my values. I don't really care what you do. My door is open for a conversation almost always. I mean, I can't think there's maybe one person on the planet that I would say is like my sworn enemy. And even them, like, I would jump at the chance for a conversation to. be honest, because you know why? And I'm not going to lie to you. I thought this about the guy who was pissing with the door open earlier. I was getting a bit agitated and then I thought, but he's a human and I'm a human. I'm definitely in a weird made today. That's settled it for me.

He's a human and I'm a human because he's pissing with the door open. Dot, dot, dot. I will say he did shut the door over. I do want to make that really clear. Anyway, that's not the important part of the story. But I was thinking earlier, they're a human and I'm a human. Or like, I'm annoyed with Enzo Fernandez, the Argentina player who, like, really celebrated when he's fucking scored against England. I'm still annoyed at him. You know what? He's a human and I'm a human. Even if people have done really, really horrible shit, I'm down for a conversation. That's not to say that I'm down to, like, forgive you for everything and be up your ass, but I'm definitely a very reasonable person. And I like that about myself. And I think I've had some challenges with that

this year. And I think if you ask me, God, I mean, if you ask me what I was flurrying, in last year. At this time last year, I would have run for the fucking hills. Dark times. I'm going to do a Harry Potter thing. Dark times, Harry, dark times. They were dark times. If you were here for the journey, then you know. They were dark times. And you know what? Going back to the mental health conversation, your friends don't like you when you're depressed. Anyway, we'll get on to that another time, I suppose. Yeah, if you would have asked me at this time last year, what I, in what aspects I thought I was flourishing, mate there was honestly tumbleweeds rolling around in my mind i would have had to

obviously open my mind there would have just been two search reline pills that i would have tried to rub together to give you an answer i didn't have two pennies to rub together i did not have two antidepressants to rub together difficult times no clarity and definitely didn't feel like i was flourishing really in any way and now i feel honestly yeah i feel like i feel like like I'm flourishing and in a sense. This time last year I would have had no concept of, do I live with integrity? Do I,

do I act in alignment with my values? Do I forgive, like, etc? I just, that was not where I, like, I hadn't been through that ringer yet. And this year, I've definitely been put into those situations. And so, as a consequence, I've learned, I've learned how I deal with it.

And I'm happy about how I deal with it. And like, very confident in the fact that I make mistakes because I'm a fucking human being. What did you think was going to happen? Like, it's just not a standard that I hold myself or others to perfection. I mean, forget I said that because I do, I look, I hold myself to crazy standards in certain aspects. But in terms of my relationships, I really pride myself on. I can have anger towards someone and it does not negate the love that I have for them or my

ability to just always hold the door open for a conversation and I'm just honestly, I feel comfortable. I feel like this is maybe seeming like a bit deep, but this is something that I'm thinking about quite a lot at the moment is just, I feel really proud of myself that like I go through hard things and I actually just still act with like genuine kindness towards someone, for example. Remember when I was telling me to be resilient? I was like, you're resilient. so what's your problem sort of thing? True, I meant every word. There is something so rewarding about going through something really horrible

that you didn't think you were going to have to go through or like you hoped you wouldn't ever have to go through. When you get on the other side of it, sometimes it's nice to be like, wait, like, sorry, did I handle that with such class and efficiency and kindness? Sorry, did everyone just see me go through that really hard thing and do it really amazingly with such grace? Yeah, I think so.

So that's sort of been a nice sort of flourishing in the silver lining of something. So there was just a lot of devastation. And I'm really proud of myself for a lot of how I responded to that. And I feel like it's given me some confidence in myself. And it doesn't make me think that, oh my God, I never do anything wrong. But it does make me think that I'm always open to be told that I've done something wrong, even if that was not my intention.

I think it's always important to apologize and understand. your impact. Anyway, I don't know. These are my musings. I also, I mean, would you mind saying how you're flourishing? Because I really just took the stage there. Okay, lots of people asking about the psychotherapy,

journey to be a therapist, etc. Guys, I meant what I said when I said, like, I don't know if I can do that because I'm fucking, because all these conversations I'm having with you. Guys, is you or the therapy stuff? I'm joking, it's not. It's sort of like I'm putting,

my relationship above my work. It's like my relationship with you, I seem to have prioritised over a potential vocational opportunity. I don't know. I'll have to see how it pans out. But for right now, I am just wanting to learn as much as possible as well. First of all, I just have an interest in it in general. I just always have.

I just find it really fucking interesting in part probably because, as I said, second thing, extremely depressed person. Not right now. but like I have lived through my fair share of like mental moments, you could say. So that always makes me want to know like, well, why? And what next? And what about you lot? I just, I'm very curious about other people.

I'm honestly a bit nosy. And I want to know your gossip and I want to know the little weird way that your brain works, if you don't mind. So yeah, I'm just into the learning of it all. And we'll just see. I think it's just going to be a minute for the long haul. The module that I'm on at the moment is

you'll love this. Men's mental health awareness. So lots to be learned, lots of conversations to have with those men. Someone just said, and I'll leave it here, do I take the leap or not? Yeah, you do. I think yeah.

I don't know. But don't blame it on me. I think take the leap because you asked me. Did you think I was going to say no? No, you knew what you wanted to hear. And I've given it to you. You should take the leap. All right, well, that was a nice little...

Did I say that it's the night time? No, but I did say I was going to eat spaghetti, so you might have inferred that it's not the morning. Basically, I normally... Why do I fucking start chatting shit at the end? I genuinely, I cannot leave you alone. I can't. And now what?

You're going to just say bye to me. You're going to go on with your day? I won't... You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this conversation. Second round over. From morning hockey with a cup of coffee to timbits and road trips.

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Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. It's my own fault. It's my own thing. But you're just going to leave me here in the dust. I'm not going anywhere. I ain't going nowhere. As I say, kicking and screaming, they would drag me from this pod. All right.

This one feels a little bit meta because, I don't know, it's just fun to, you know what I will say. I'm using this sort of as a bit of a chapter marking of sort of like the first paragraph of the spiral as a continuation of the podcast. When I made that high episode, coming episode, just like, whatever that was, coming back and being like, please, what? It was just a big question mark. You can tell, I don't want to get emotional.

But I am getting emotional. Maybe this is what I needed. If you don't care for the podcast or like, you don't really know me that well, please, feel free to see yourselves out, the door's open. and maybe this one is like, maybe your bit is done here, but if you've been here a while, please stay behind. Please stay in the classroom, stay seated. You can probably tell in that video, we don't need to re-watch it,

but I just, I know how I felt recording that, and I didn't feel good, for a few reasons. And I have nothing else to say other than just thank you. I don't think I thought that we could make this so nice. And I feel like it's been really nice. And I haven't been crying every episode. and I haven't been like confused. I feel like we found a footing.

I just feel so immensely grateful. Like you honestly have no idea. If this podcast has done anything for you at any stage of its life cycle, you have no idea what you've done for me. And I just feel very grateful. And that was fun and I'm about to go eat some spaghetti and be eating more my prawn crackers as a star. Is that strange?

Wait! Oh my God, in the next episode I'm going to be third. Am I? Yeah. This is my last episode of 29. Oh my God. I should have done something better. Fuck.

All right. Well, that's over. I'll go. See you around.