Goes Without Saying - fear of falling behind: the friend to competition pipeline

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

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This episode is such a good one if you're feeling maybe a bit left out, a bit left behind, you're looking around, you're thinking, why the fuck am I all on my own? Why does nobody get me? What does no one understand? How can I do this? I can't cope. We're here for you. This is a really nice, I think quite affirming, gentle, but also a bit nuts episode. Just here to keep you company, put us on in the background, get on with your day. Thank you so much for letting us be here. Always sending love. See you around. Enjoy. here always sending love see you around enjoy i'm excited for this oh god i hate that i say that at the beginning of every fucking episode is it is it is it true though are you excited yeah no i think

i hate it it's just i'm excited for this one it's like oh yeah it's like predictable it's like could you say let me guess you're excited for this one before you even go there it's like i'll save it spare me but it is true i mean it's hard not to be yeah no i am i'm excited for it feels weird it's a bit of an affirmation i think i'm excited for the podcast i was doing affirmations this morning were you actually i didn't tell you this god you're all right something in your eye my eyelashes just stuck together oh just you know when it's like oh god bottom and top connected yeah oh shit yeah me in the middle yeah um i was

doing affirmations this morning i woke up really early and i was trying to put myself back to sleep and i was feeling a bit not great so i was like i am i was saying all these things not out loud yeah yeah nightmare to live with it's like my boyfriend and my dog roll over i am i am powerful it's like shut the fuck up but i was saying i'm all these things whatever blah blah and then i was saying i am powerful it's like shut the fuck up but i was saying i'm all these things whatever blah blah and then i was saying i am safe i'm safe in my head i was like i am safe i am safe but then i started to kind of doze off and i was kind of like i am sad and then i was like no why am i saying that i was like i am safe i'm saying the truth is like creeping in it's like coming out it's like

i am safe and then i was like i am sad i was like stop saying yourself and i was like it's fine if you are but like right now let's focus on you being safe but anyway do you know what I was gonna ask I've got therapy in half an hour yeah we're really cutting this fine yeah but it's rile you up it's all good you're gonna come into it I'm excited for this one I'm excited I'm safe and excited in the podcast yeah I was gonna ask my therapist about affirmations because I struggle to connect with them often but I do think like it would be they're obviously so it would I just I almost am stuck between like do they even work like do they make you feel like I can feel something in the moment but they seem to not really last and I would love to

speak to like a professional about like the science behind affirmations it's important i think they're um i think if they connect with you they connect with you and it works i think do it do you know what i also had i was in a yoga class the other day and the yoga teacher i accidentally went to a senior's yoga class what an idiot in my like hometown like leisure center as well which is not a cute thing to go see like it was like right i think it's i think that's exactly what it is i think it's exactly a cute thing no no no it's not i'll tell you now it's not it was like me and like a lot of almost like one of my friend's mums was in there for example and like it was just a lot of like oh i said to you after i was like i bet they would have been so happy to see you and they would have

gone home and been like oh my god you never guessed who was at yoga today poppy yeah yeah there definitely was a bit of that but it was like hi poppy because i came in late classic but i had to get the front awful in the seniors yoga class um and there was this man in there who i've later found out through the town gossip that he i'd never seen him before around the town he was on naked attraction oh so tells you something okay but i had a real strong dislike towards this man that was in the yoga class he wasn't an old man he was kind of young okay oh yes but i just had a real dislike to him he kind of gave me the brad from maiden chelsea sort of vibe of like married at first sight i could tell just from his presence he was weaponizing wellness yeah he's weaponizing wellness he's fucking the universe yeah he was

fucking the universe i just wasn't a big fan of him and you weren't buying it just a man really taking up space in a in just like a big way and the teacher was like to everyone say in your heads i am strong and with every breath he was saying out loud i am strong and it's like oh my god have you not noticed we get it you're strong yeah stop yeah just oh it was infuriating me i was not feeling zen in the seniors yoga class okay on that note yeah it's kind of the end of the year falling fear of feeling behind it's it's called on my laptop. Yes. Have you ever felt behind?

I know you have. I have. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I just feel like it's the trick of life, isn't it? That everyone, everyone feels like they're the one that's kind of behind everyone else. Falling short in some way. You know what? This actually reminds me.

I'm going to pull us back to spooky week, our spooky bonanza spectacular extravaganza. I'm going to pull us back actually to week our spooky bonanza spectacular extravaganza i'm going to pull us back actually to a little anecdote which we have never told it's yet been untold yeah and it was when we were in one of the scary mazes in thought park fright night which i still have a bruise on my leg from that's how mad is that you should you should go to the doctor i think what about my bruise i just think you're a bit bruised up i bruise really easily it's like a weird a weird thing about me i bruised really really easily well when we were in the scary mazes when seph was getting these bruises because i was dragging her through the thing um i had a scary moment obviously yeah you did exactly what i paid for um but then we kind of had we kind of touched on it we said we went to thought park that's where we were yeah so we went

to thought park which is like a theme park this is like a week ago two weeks treated me for my birthday it was the best time we really had a bonanza which we also have a real spectacular yes you will have seen you will be seeing clips fun things of us there being spooked so on our instagram sephian wings and tiktok and tiktok sephian wing so we were going through all the mazes we were living it up and we were really having a time and i was actually really impressed with how brave i was being i'm not gonna lie because my previous experience. Oh my god, we were so brave. We were so brave. We were leading the charge at certain points. In all of them. We were all first.

Like, in every single one. It's like we were the first people to enter the rooms. And there were points. I remember at one point you said to me, God, you're being so brave. And I was really impressed with myself. That was in the Black Mirror one. Confronting these scary people head on.

No, definitely. That's how I felt in all the others. Yeah, yeah. Because that Black Mirror one really scared me. Because we actually physically couldn't find our way out. people head on no definitely that's how i felt in all the others yeah because that black mirror one really scared me because we actually physically couldn't find our way out yeah we got lost pissing me off like yeah we were like actually lost and i was like we could be in here for hours and no one would know but anyway that was scaring me as well because the room was quite filling up with people and i was like are they gonna keep sending more people it was a bit claustrophobic it was like

oh yeah it was just that one it was almost like it wasn't um particularly a scary one it was more so just it was like being badly run yeah it was like scary in like quite a real way yeah it was scary and like okay i'm done like get me out where's the door sort of thing it wasn't designed to be like super scary or anything it was more just like uneasy yeah we had a scary moment in one of the real big time spookster scary ones so yeah at halloween at this at thought park they do a thing called fright night where they do four mazes that are like each one like a horror themed maze like a different thing and yeah there was one that didn't go well for work yeah right it was the scariest one it was the

scariest one and we had been so brave on all the other scary ones like by the end of it the one the outside we were just walking through being like hey everyone like it's all good we were driving we we were absolutely thriving but on this one basically we were saying we were saying all day we were just clinging to each other we were literally like in each other's armpits like you literally couldn't separate us we were so close together yeah and the kind of gag that they were doing is like oh you can get split up in these mazes sort of thing and i was like i'm not gonna get split up actually tell me what we're just thinking for dear yeah no i'm not getting split up shakes head because you can't tell me what to and i was more so thinking i don't want to get split up because if i get lost like i did in the

black mirror one like not just lost in the scary way but lost in an actual real world like how do i find my way out of this maze like i'm taking too long sort of thing yeah i'm going around in circles i'm not great with directions what do i do this last one we went in it was like the scariest one scary scary everyone's like be careful are you gonna survive yeah we get there honestly they they're like right look into that camera and put your thumbs up to show that you know that you're going in there you know what to expect and you are signing off confirming on the dotted line that you're okay with being split up little stepping wing dude big old thumbs up yep that's fine not

gonna happen whatever blah blah blah yeah right we did that we're so not okay into the room literally the first room we went in they were like you go over there you go over there and sephie somehow luckily i think got put in a cage with another woman yeah let's let's point out we were put in cages we were put in a cage and we tried to go in the same one and then this guy shouted at us and was like no and we weren to go in the same one and then this guy shouted at us and was like no and we weren't pleased and he was like you agreed to this and we're like oh yeah it's horrible and then this woman came in the cage with me and wing was in the cage sephie got put in a cage with another woman and i got put in a completely separate cage on my own and i was like

oh my god i'm gonna have to go through this maze on my own and the reason i've brought this up yeah because it might not seem relevant because we're not in spooktober podtober spooktacular bonanza anymore but we had an interesting conversation i think about this when we were going on another ride and then it got cut short because we went on a roller coaster and we were like woohoo living it up wait what was that but we were having a conversation in the cube for colossus i was saying why i think it's so scary being split up and put on your own is because it brings out this really primal fear so we are we are pulling this back i promise yeah yeah it's such a primal fear of you're being abandoned you're being completely left behind by your peers you've fallen behind and now you're in danger because you don't have your community and your loved ones with

you to protect you and keep you safe and it's so um intrinsically human yeah yeah um cut to like if anyone's curious i did survive the maze and we did we also did join up immediately yeah i put my hand through the back of the cage i actually ripped my my thumb like my nail off not my god we were getting battered and bruised but my nail pinged up it was a whole thing and he was like don't touch and it was like ah it was so scary like holding hands through the bars i kind of was cheating the system but if we'd been put on opposite sides we would have been actually oh my god i wouldn't i would have had to go in through my own look you had that woman with you but no but the bad

thing about the woman wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment and not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature.

I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson.

And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a find a field guide to gay animals on spotify apple or wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere acast.com and so wing we kind of joined up so it was me this random woman just like a middle-aged woman and wing were going through this maze and i was so i was kind of in the middle so the middle-aged woman was kind of pulling at the back i was at the front leading the charge pulling sephi at the speed of light basically i was taking no prisoners i was just like front leading the charge pulling seffy at the speed of light basically

there was i was taking no prisoners i was just like let's go forwarding through every room like come on guys what's the hold up the woman who had clung to seffy was like pulling you back yeah she was i was getting like i was going through this terrifying people coming at me from all directions pulled like i was completely wide open i both my arms in different directions i was like flying off i was really having to face it head on and i was going wing slow down slow down i couldn't i couldn't and she couldn't slow down for the life why would i what for this silly woman i was trying to lose the woman yeah i wasn't i just didn't understand her it was like look i'm doing us a favor here i'm really taking the

brunt of this by leading us through every single room just shut your eyes and i'll get you to the end of it but alack she was pulling us in the wrong direction and i was like so i was split split out but i was actually i literally texted my boyfriend that day and i was like i was so brave today like we were in the front of every single one and i was literally eyes peeled walking into all the rooms going hi hello hi hello speaking to them being a real like bummer for the actors who wanted to have a good time but i just i switched off a different part of my brain but i do think when i ran so far so we both ran so so far it was actually quite embarrassing of us because we went on the walking dead roller coaster yeah it's just a roller coaster and at the end of the roller coaster they

say and leave quickly because you don't know they could be behind you or something like that yeah and it's just a little thing to get you off the ride like out the door and we kind of thought that there were zombies after us there was a man behind us just a civilian and we sprinted but the exit is quite long because it's built for like there to be queues but we were running and running so hard i came out there like absolutely out of breath sweating it's like that was just like a little thing at the end of the ride like move quickly they could literally just the end it's just the door it's the back door it's like go on leave and we're screaming running running running in the dark it was children adults all the stuff like we were

oh my god we had a great time but i do think it i'm sorry just honing in to bring it back primal fear of feeling like i'm gonna be abandoned i'm in danger i'm not keeping up it's so emotional yeah i thought that was a really interesting conversation we were having as well in the game to colossus it just got cut short it did get better but it was interesting because we were talking about like oh if you were designing designing like a theme park of horrors like scary things yeah what and even horror movies and all the things that are kind of scary to humans it's almost like all you are really doing is tapping into like quite biological fears of like your tribe leaving you your people that are bringing you food and safety leaving you and

that's all it is but you just put it into like different things but really all of these things that you're scared of like the idea of for example we're talking about falling behind yeah if you've got to kind of november that it is now and it's like oh i haven't accomplished the things i wanted to accomplish this year yeah it's only tapping back into that idea of like wanting to be accepted wanting to be to be safe top of the hierarchy in your tribe because then you get the best mates the best food all of the stuff it's really just tapping into the most biological things and it is fascinating it is completely fascinating i also think as women there's a completely gendered angle of like you know you guys stick together don't go to the toilet on your own like we go everywhere in packs and part of that is so fun and cute and part of it is for

actual legitimate safety do you know what it's so fucking is the toilet thing is isn't it so real because what i realized in um i was in lisbon and i was with two of my guy friends and we're staying in a hostel and i realized it's like oh shit i've got to go to the loo on my own like i haven't done this in ages like yeah i haven't gone i'm in a place where i'm in a room with like 10 other men essentially like they're probably like two other women in this room with me and i have to if i need the toilet the boys are going to stay downstairs and i have to go up into this room on my own. It's just, I really was thinking about the toilet thing.

Like, yeah, boys do not have the same experience of bathrooms. No. And even the same experience of like intimacy between friendships of like, we not only do we break bread together, but we will also go for a piss together. Go piss girl like we there's something really um so intimate about seeking safety through like other women and i think that's why it feels so it's such a heightened feeling when you feel like you're being left out or falling behind like within your peers and whatever but it's also

it's also it feels kind of like a personal hurtful thing of like you're throwing me under the bus like other people yeah yeah winning feels like you are losing and it's also it's kind of like how could you do this to me how could you go on without me do you know what it is quite fascinating that because that 100% is highly highly gendered like i don't see the boys that i know viewing their friends as competition in the same way that us girls do it and i think the first thing that we can do is immediately take any kind of guilt or shame around like any competition you feel with your friends away from it because what i've learned from talking to people about this stuff is that it is

basically what we're just saying it is so human it's actually biologically placed within you that you will do that so it's not like a dirty thing it's actually like the most human thing you can feel is that feeling of competition jealousy all of that stuff it's being placed in you like it's actually part of your dna yeah it's very natural a lot of it is to protect you yeah it's but you're seeking out dangers and of course that feels really hurtful and like icky when it's around people that you love and like and when they're not actually your threats exactly yeah that's that's the crux of it now that our society has evolved in a way that our bodies and our biology has not evolved yeah that we perceive threats that are not there anymore and that's like my anxiety

is fucking rife at the moment because it's like we're trained as if we or like our bodies are have adapted to be able to be like to see threats and everything like there's a fucking lion over there like i need to fucking like fight that other person over there but it's like now it's just like you've got a meeting in the boardroom and it's like it's not really the same level of stress it's totally not but it's also like if you imagine the ways that we are so hyper vigilant in our surroundings constantly looking for things to be aware constantly looking for things to be on top of to keep us safe then add this little thing in your hand that you're going to scroll through scroll through scroll through you've got so much more to be vigilant of it's like you're not only

aware of like the girls in your office or your mates who you're living with etc you're also having to be aware of like people in countries you've never been to speaking languages you're not fluent so you're not just seeing them it's not like you're seeing them and communicating with them everything in these spaces is so measured and it's so like they're built with comparison in mind and the idea of everything has a numerical value attached to it and everything has kind of a worth attached to it this person is worth more because they posted this this person is competition because they posted this my day has not looked like that and they're literally built playing into basically they've designed the theme park of horrors they've they've literally looked at kind of human impulses and fears and designed these things with those in mind to get

you to stay there and be addicted to it and click on it and want to feed into it want to participate they're built with all of that biology in mind in a very like not under the surface way in a very like explicit way as well i think it also kind of feeds into saying a few episodes ago i can't remember definitely um revisit the pod tobers by the way if you haven't um just for a bit of fun they are really fun i love them over can i hear a hell yeah you love podtober hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah so fun um but it kind of goes back to what we were saying before about never being too late to start something or you're not too old you didn't miss the boat like you're not falling behind it you just feel like that and you're probably just being extra hard on yourself which is fine but i think giving yourself like a little bit of a pat on the back for just

like making it through your day you've done what you needed to do yeah there's always going to be more to be done always and that's why we've got tomorrow like it will just we'll just roll around again but the easier you go on yourself i sometimes find like the lighter i am with myself the more gentle i am with myself the more inclined i am to be able to like perform in a way that i'm happy to do anything when i've got like exactly when i've got this immense pressure on myself which is like 99.9 percent of the time i'm not doing anything that I'm proud of which is really sad but yeah I'm just having a terrible time it takes so much energy to feel shit as well that's one of the things that I'm realizing that it's not like oh when you feel bad

it's like oh I feel bad and it can be kind of cozy and bad and all that stuff it's like sometimes it takes what because it feels like a battle you feel like you're fighting against yeah the shitness which I'm trying to just lean into a bit more so i don't i can just have the shitness on its own and not the exhaustion that comes with the fighting yeah so it gets very meta doesn't it sometimes when you feel shit it's like what am i feeling shit about and like is my questioning of what i'm feeling shit about what i'm actually feeling shit about or am i just lost in trying to make sense of a feeling it's so hard to not get lost in it because i think as well when you're feeling bad there's like 101 new thoughts per second of all of these things that are wrong in life um yeah yeah i just

hope people feel like okay we're sending you know you've at least got seven wing on your side oh you've really got us on your side i hope you feel like okay i've got two weirdos rooting i've liked this i think this is kind of a nice little app i've had if you want more of us god i mean you've got last week's yeah hell hole of episodes to go through hell hole hell hole i've been so far so good all right well we're back to normal yeah if you don't hear from us oh god we haven't seen this a while you