Goes Without Saying - how to move on: let go, or be dragged

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

podmothers sephy & wing enter the chat: spiralling on heartbreak, closure, break-ups, habits, and the winter blues. IN: self-acceptance. OUT: literally everything else. shop ✷ www.sephyandwing.co.ukhear more ✷ www.instagram.com/sephyandwingwatch more ✷ www.tiktok.com/@sephyandwing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. In the early 1980s, gay men started to get sick from AIDS. Years before ACT UP, before HIV was discovered, before the history you know, there were people on the front lines of the fight against AIDS. Joe Sonnabit. Michael Callen. Bobby Campbell.

I'm Dane Stewart, and in the new season of my podcast, Resurrection, I tell the stories of heroes of the early AIDS movement. Like the story of a cabaret singer and a sex worker who invented safe sex and saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out Resurrection

wherever you listen to podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com It goes without saying you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi. And I'm Wing. And this is your new year episode about how to let go and move on. We're talking about letting go of bad habits, things that you want to leave in 2023. And we're also talking about

maybe how to move on from a certain person or feelings or things that maybe you don't want to bring into the new year. So I've had a really good ep. What about you? Good. I'm glad. Me too. So enjoy. Divine. I've had a really good ep. What about you? Good. I'm glad. Me too.

So enjoy. Divine. Hello. Let go or be dragged, hey? Let go or be dragged. You know, this is the first ep we're recording this year. Oh, yeah, it is. I was about to say, what do you mean?

But yeah. And we are kind of coming in with a January, I think just the overall tone. It's got January blues. It it's like are you guys okay is everything okay at home yep january january it is january after all yeah it's a bad month guys i'm sorry of your birthdays in january happy birthday to you happy birthday we were saying before we start recording this we're talking about this quote you probably remember it from like 2020 times i think maybe even before yeah it feels 2019 it's 2019 god so we're really um we're late we're late to the game but we loved it then love it even more yeah exactly it's just hitting it used to be my

you know i really my phone it did i literally thought that as soon as i said it earlier yeah let go or be dragged what a phrase what a phrase what a wonderful phrase it means let go or be dragged for the rest of your days it's a problem free philosophy philosophy truly let go or be dragged let go or be dragged but um sorry we're coming in i don't know if we mentioned this january i don't know what you're gonna get from us basically but we're coming in with we've just got a weird energy about us okay let go be dragged i was thinking this the other day because i saw it and someone was like oh i love this phrase let go be dragged and i was like yeah yeah let go be dragged and then i thought

wait did you just say let go or be dragged like let me just give it a sec to really let that sink in we're kind of discussing it as if it's like a new meme viral phrase but like no one's saying it it's not like it's like no no one's talking about um kind of cold girl aesthetic it's like this isn't everyone's saying it all the time let go or be dragged no one's saying it wing was just thinking about it saying it i think we should be saying it we should because i don't want to be dragged to be honest so what's hitting kicking and explaining what's hitting about that for you right now okay let me try and access whatever it was that to be honest i'm not sure why i really needed to hear it i think just obviously the messaging around new year and

feeling like okay where am i this year what am i doing like what do i want i feel like i've been taking the start of this year quite slow and i feel like i i don't know if it's like podmas i feel like december went really really quick a whirlwind it really was a whirlwind roller coaster we had a whirlwind roller we did we should be so lucky thank you so much but i feel like it made the month go really quick and i feel like normally in december i have like a few opportunities to like sit down and really reflect and think about the end of the year and what i want for the new year and stuff like that and i feel like this year i haven't necessarily been as reflective yeah and i feel like i haven't been able to access the same level

of awareness of like what i want and it's actually been really nice in a way because i was kind of talking about and we were saying this the other day about the stacking of your goals so like having 12 goals throughout the year i'm so gonna do this and people were very much into that yeah when i finally sit down to do new year's resolutions i'm gonna do yeah for sure one fine day one day and one day i will but that's the thing i think before i would be like oh well it's january 2nd so i'm fucked i haven't done it so whatever wait till next year i guess i'm not perfect now and i will have to wait whereas this year i'm like oh it's okay if i set my goals like a bit later or like i just don't feel as much pressure at the beginning of this year which is really nice so i'm not sure why let go be dragged was hitting i guess i just felt a little bit

of an awareness of like i guess i don't know how much detail i want to go in okay but there's there's something that weighs quite heavy on my chest yeah yeah as things do as things do just in life and i was when i saw let go be dragged the other day i was kind of like there's this kind of thing just you know when things bug you or just something that you're holding on to something you're holding on to or something that you have to deal with that you're not a point of closure of it it's like it's lingering and it's bugging me every day it's nagging in my ear hole and also probably one of those things that you're kind of waiting for it to change but the sort of letting go is realizing things don't actually often things stay the same forever yeah yeah yeah yeah and so i feel like i've had i feel like i've had loads of um progress in the last probably couple of years like two or

three years i feel like i've really made a big change in like that area of my life the area that i'm thinking of when i'm like yeah describing what i'm holding on to that this thing that's bugging me has got better over the past few years and i feel like my perceptive my perspective on it has changed a lot but i was just really feeling when i heard the other day let go be dragged when she came back to me through the void i just thought oh god i should probably listen because letting go has helped me so much and yet i can still feel this it's still got its dirty mitts all over me how can i shift the last but also some things are impossible to let go of some things are forever for sure it's in your blood like you can't let go of these things no because it's actually inside you uh-huh so i do think

it's like there's no pressure to let go like for there are some things that will you will just be dragged and that's kind of that is the thing that's like it doesn't have to be painful like resisting it is part of the one of things but it's almost like some things are always gonna hurt and that doesn't have to be shameful and horrible or a thing to fix it's just some things a part of being a human and caring and having like a loving life is yeah things do hurt yeah and there's kind of no way around that actually no there isn't no you can't avoid it you have you can't go under it you have to go you have to go fucking through it for fuck's sake which i really don't want to know yeah but i will

what about you is there anything calling you to be let go or be dragged um I like that I'm using it just as a casual turn of phrase yeah let go be dragged why the hell not is there anything yeah that you need to be let go or be dragged I think there's loads of stuff um I can see how much your back is hurting you by the way and it's kind of killing really what I'm like sitting up straight and then yeah i've been heavy lifting um things at work she's hard at work men at work honestly hard at work i've been working the cafe i'm only doing literally one day a week this entire month i mean one day a week which would be really nice i literally do two days a week so honestly quit complaining yeah but no no but one god it is

taking its toll on my back make a big difference yeah i'm not also the sink so the sinks are slightly too low so you're always kind of hunching over a sink oh that's not washing up as oh god it's not good for my body let go will be dragged it is like i'll be dragged whatever that means i think the sink is needs to be needs to be replaced it does it needs to be replaced but It does, it needs to be replaced. But right, what do I need to let go of? I don't know if there's anything. When I actually was looking at my kind of New Year's stuff,

I kind of made like a preliminary list of things I'd like to do in the year. None of them were like, stop this or quit this or do less of this. They were all kind of things I'd like to add to my life which i was i quite liked actually it's like that yeah i don't think i have a string of negative habits at the moment or like a negative following you around there aren't negative behaviors from me like there aren't a load of negative things going on at the moment so it wasn't like i'll stop doing this or don't hang out with that person or anything it was purely just like do more of this do more of this do more of this i'd like to do do that that's really nice which was really nice i don't think there's

anything really that's screaming let go to me but i think i should just like let go of trying to be like a perfect human at all points and actually just be like a messy whatever and that's fine take the pressure off that's something i could really let go of just like that belief that it's like not okay to fuck up and all of that shit yeah how do we let go because i think this title is going to be something on the lines of how to move on how to let go so a lack i don't want to force advertise here but do we know how to let go and move on do we have any advice well i think if if the title is how to move on we may have some clickers that are looking how to move on from relationships which hey guys hello how's it going how is it going i think romantic things take a while and i think the kind of for me anyway a healthy approach looks like letting that take a while it's not a quick

little thing and i'm always always always surprised at the length of time it takes me after kind of liking someone or whatever of like having a romantic encounter with someone I'm always surprised at how long it takes me to like um want to date someone else or stop thinking about them a lot and things like that so I and I and I always actually value that time because I think of new things I discover new things like it'll be two months after something's ended and then I'll think oh my god that was weird when that happened yeah it does actually take a while to process things and i think the worst thing you can do really i actually think i am gonna blanket statement it go for it i was gonna be like and obviously it doesn't work for everything but i do think

it is quite solid advice one of the worst things you can do is just jump straight into another thing i don't think that is necessarily the most healthy response or like I don't think that really is like moving on I think it's just like balming your pain and just putting layers and layers and layers of plasters over pain and one day it all does just come out I think allowing yourself to like take time to let go or move on is so important I do agree with you that i think jumping straight into something new a lot of the time is like you say like kind of covering something up and it's also it's kind of the idea of you have this gap now that this person was filling and so you were getting attention or you were getting you were focusing your attention onto something and so instead of letting that gap be empty for a while or filling it with other things in your

life like spending more time with your friends or whatever like just chilling out by yourself etc reading a book listening to a podcast i don't know what you do yeah with your life using another romantic relationship to essentially yeah to kind of emulate what that past relationship was doing and just repeating that pattern i'm sure there are so many cases where people are happy and things have gone really well but i do think if it was my own behavior i would be i would just try and have the awareness of it's really convenient i think it's like a really convenient and like almost like it can be quite fun and it gives it that energy. It brings some energy back to quite a bleak and lifeless experience.

Yes. It's like being, feeling rejected, feeling like heartbroken, feeling really upset and like cut up about a loss of a relationship or some sort of breakup, situation, whatever. That not working. Even just mourning the potential of something, mourning the idea of something that hasn't worked out, that's the biggest thing, I think. That is the killer.

Yeah. That in itself is, like you said, a painful and often long, lengthy experience. And it's quite, it's soul-sucking, it's soul-destroying, it's bleak and it's empty and it's hard.

And it's not exciting or fun. It's not exciting. And it's not high energy and it's it's soul-sucking it's soul-destroying it's bleak and it's empty and it's hard and it's not exciting and it's not high energy and it's not high volume and it's not fast it's not go-go and it's not getting dressed to go on a date tonight it's not it's none of that it's boring boring yeah but really boring and actually quite upsetting as well yeah but also weirdly necessary it's annoying i hate to be the bearer of bad news no i agree with you though because i think actually i think you are like you said i think you're really good at taking time to um deal with the feelings of like not seeing it yeah you're really good at taking time to process because i think a lot of people reject their true feelings and so they don't take any time to process because they're trying to rush

onto the next thing just trying to rush through it yeah and almost kind of project this um uh almost like do this performance of like i'm unfazed exactly like i'll break up whatever i can do that kind of thing for two weeks oh i'm just going through a breakup crazy crazy almost like i'm gonna go out i'm gonna be partying i'm gonna yeah straight from like the heartbreaking bit like the gutting bit to now i'm single i get to go on my dates i get to have like exactly one next time all that is but do you actually feel like doing that and if you do yeah then do that and if you don't then don't and it is kind of as simple as that but i feel like we spoke ages this was probably back in like early early us times such a throwback and we had taken

it pretty much directly from bobo and flex our queens i think it was bobo that spoke a lot about performed empowerment i really feel like that that time when you're like newly kind of not dating someone anymore or you're newly single or whatever that is a real time when like performative empowerment can crop up of like i need to prove that i am okay i need to prove that i'm a thriving girl but it's like it's okay if you're not actually thriving why would you be right now to be honest why would you be even if you're happy about something ending it still takes it's pretty easy to see when you zoom out as a coincidence you've just been through some sort of breakup yeah probably not going to feel amazing yeah even if you want it acas powers the world's best podcasts here's the show that we recommend

in the early 1980s gay men started to get sick from AIDS. Years before ACT UP, before HIV was discovered, before the history you know, there were people on the front lines of the fight against AIDS. Joe Sonnabin. Michael Callen. Bobby Campbell. I'm Dane Stewart, and in the new season of my podcast, Resurrection, I tell the stories of heroes of the early AIDS movement.

Like the story of a cabaret singer and a sex worker who invented safe sex and saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out Resurrection wherever you listen to podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com it's like yeah the last thing i was in i didn't want it i was done i explicitly said i don't want this anymore this isn't working and it's taken me so long just to be like what was that that was weird um almost understanding that was weird almost understanding why i didn't want it what i do

want what was the gap and like actually unpicking all of that like has taken months yeah yeah months of this life i've spent on that yeah but as you should live your life i also think it comes with there's a level of confidence i think that's required for somebody to own almost the shame that comes around a breakup or like something not working out like it's almost like there's not a lot of pride encouraged in the experience of being like oh yeah that didn't work out or like oh no I was rejected or oh shit that thing that I really wanted hasn't happened in the way that I thought it would and that can be really gutting and then I think there's this added layer of embarrassment and shame that's like i've been dumped i've been rejected that

hasn't worked and it's it kind of is no coincidence then that when your confidence is so knocked as it would be during a breakup that you then start seeking out all of these other ways to like build up your confidence that aren't necessarily um i guess like truly validating but might just be it's like that's a really um you're dating it's fun you're getting validation that's a fun way to boost your confidence sort of thing you find somebody new that's fun it boosts your confidence but it's the same thing of like emulating the confidence that you were getting from the security of seeing that person or whatever yeah you're just replacing it through somebody else instead of just accepting like okay i'm gonna

feel shit for a couple of weeks for a couple of months my confidence is gonna be knocked takes as long as it takes i think owning the fact that you're upset about something takes confidence in itself definitely it is the epitome of the ebook that we wrote a long time ago we're so vintage in this episode we really are we wrote an ebook it's not available anymore no good riddance before we get the dm saying where can i buy validating you can't it was called validating genius turn dating for validation how not to do it validating yeah no we should hold on we you came up with that so clever girl thank you because you were validating what's that no i don't know no surely we were just having no no go start saying we were just having a conversation about validating and i said it's

validating dating it's actually disgusting it's actually really cringe it is but look it was 2020 2019 in fact was it it was 2019 guys like yeah we've been here a while i love how on the merch and stuff we say we were established we're established 2020 we were established 2019 but i also think um it's quite nice to put 2020 goes without saying established 2020 everything pre that 2019 yeah but sephi and wing 2020 you think i don't know but 2020 just has more of a ring to it does have but it does make it like a pandemic i was just gonna say the same thing we were established 2019 but um officially 2029 people did be we have to we have to give it to the you have to give it to the pandemic for a sec we hold our hands up yes a lot of people found us in pandemic yeah and shout out to you if you

found us in the pandemic how was that time sorry to bring it up but weird times weird times weird times um yeah but it is validating yeah isn't it it is just tie that up okay so what about do we have any advice or like ways of thinking about how to let go of not necessarily people but like moving on from bad habits sort of thing working on all of that shit um i think i don't particularly love the like the like narrative of like it's a new me like i'm leaving or i basically anything any change that's born out of like self-hatred or like a denial of yourself or just like a rejection of like the old you and replace of like this new like more perfect you i really don't like that at all so i think it's about accepting the fact that whatever behaviors you have are kind of a part of you and like almost sort of

accepting forgiving even like if you can get there loving them and being like that's part of me i don't really want to continue but it's not something i never did that i need to like shamefully get rid of or anything like that because i don't think anything good or i don't think really anything sustainable any sustainable positive change i don't think it can come from hating your way into it yeah it's kind of um the crux is self-acceptance yeah it is do you ever zoom i know you do yeah i hear us and it's like jesus i just say the crux is self-acceptance we're on speaker right now can you put your headphones in do me a fucking favor and put your headphones in right now you're embarrassing me you're humiliating me guys don't play this loud

but the crux is self-acceptance because it's true if you're hatingating me guys don't play this loud but the crunk is self-acceptance because it's true if you're hating yourself into doing something it's just not gonna hit it's not gonna land it's not gonna work it's gonna be a terrible experience it's not going to work it's not going to work that's my kings i love them they are your kings you said you said you said oh it's awful um do you know i actually am letting go of yeah in that vein i is it's a word that i was messaged um wing saying that it's such a podcast um term that we use all the time but i don't really ever think of it in my own life i don't really use it often for myself i was like i'm feeling so burnt out at the moment i'm so so burnt out i think i've been over stimulating myself massively i've been seeing too many people

i've been doing too much i've actually been trying to fit too much in and i genuinely feel so burnt out and i think i need to let go yeah i was actually really bummed when you said that i felt i hate to say it not pity because i know you don't want to be pitied i know i know but i did feel really like that's a horrible feeling because it's also one of those things where it's like you don't necessarily it's like nothing almost like yeah i don't you don't need pity like it's like nothing crazy bad has happened like it's not like yeah oh i have to take six weeks off and put my feet up and i can't move my leg i have to have a cast like that's just like it's nothing like it's just basically thinking of you guys

and i need to yeah and i want that for you i think i've just it's the classic it was the christmas classic thing i think i had a really intense de December just working at this cafe that I'm at which I love so so much like I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't love it like that yeah it's perfect I really love it and then we're doing Podmas every like recording for every much i will say that much and then i think i've just been doing too much like i feel like i'm sick of sitting on the train i am sick of um driving to the station i'm sick of like traveling i just literally want to spend a week at home but i can't well this is what i was gonna say is almost like it would be easier this is a fuck maybe a fucked up thing to say not that it would be easier if you were in a cast and i

don't want that being i'm gonna touch wood i just do you get what i'm trying to say it's like you have like a with burnout yeah it's like yeah we don't consider burnout or like just actually feeling humanly tired yeah it's not a good enough reason socially like for people and it's like it's hard enough to recognize in yourself when you're feeling really fucking knackered and exhausted and you need a break and that's why when you said i'm feeling really knackered and exhausted when you said i'm feeling burnt out i was like oh that's that's really shit because it's not the kind of shit where it's like no that's so shit everybody send flowers time off blah blah it's like this really low level just makes life harder and i don't want that for you so i'm sorry to i'm sorry yeah it's not nice

because then it means that then i it just means nothing's nice it's like you i don't have energy to do my favorite thing tidy my room not favorite thing but necessarily necessary thing or like um go and do things that i really want to go and do and also i'm not saying no to people at the moment i think for some reason i i'm not i don't identify you're definitely not saying no to me so i'm sorry about that no no i would never say no to you i would never i would never want to i i do come in with good offers i have to say it's hard to say yeah no it's hard to decline or just like i wouldn't want to but i feel like at the moment i am giving my energy to people um that that i love like that are good people that i love in my life but i also just don't i'm doing it too much i feel like a lot

was asked of me in the last month socially even and i just feel like it was i did everything and actually i just didn't really have it have the end the spare energy for that and I just feel like it was I did everything and actually I just didn't really have it have the end the spare energy for that and it just meant every bit of like looking after myself or like relaxing or taking care of my like space or the things I want to do like I remember just pretty much the whole last month just craving going for a walk like I just want to go for a walk on my own and like listen to a podcast or something i just want to maybe what you're doing right now i was just wanting that so much and i pretty much didn't i got to do it probably like twice in the month and like i had to walk

my dog whilst doing it like it was really like just even my dog was annoying me so i just want to be alone to be on my own yeah and i just and i feel like i'm still having that where i haven't been saying no to things that i don't want to do which you haven't been saying sorry i've been saying yes to the double negative annoying way of saying it i i've been saying yes to things that i don't want to do that's not good i know it and just out of not wanting to kind of let someone down or anything but actually i just feel like i'm really overbooked and over stimulated and it's just like i just want to play sims yeah i hear you i hear you i feel you yeah i think that's the lifelong struggle it is it really is and like not in a i'm not saying it in like a busy way at all it's

actually not it's in a way that's like i actually just need a break i just want honestly after three days it would be fine days off but i just feel like it's there it's a really really actually horrible feeling to feel like you haven't got any space for yourself oh my god really not nice no not nice horrible at all oh god horrible and i think a lot of people feel like that yeah yeah all the time a lot of women i think especially yeah definitely just giving giving giving basically that's why i think it's so important to like even take 10 seconds where it's like even just if you can't do anything physically even just mentally be like i'm giving myself a pat on the back yeah for getting through this

fucking day or this afternoon because that was shit or that was hard um i hope you are all taking the pressure off yeah me too and i hope you're taking care of yourself like that it is unfortunate that that is the first thing to go when you're feeling overwhelmed or something i just hope that you can do it in a small way like just in a tiny way or you can lean on your kind of network hopefully like my sister just bought me a cup of tea so nice like i wouldn't have um gone and made myself one and it's just nice to have people really nice of her doing small little things for you so i think if you actually need help there are people that you can ask even if it does feel a bit ridiculous oh my god i think the

best thing you can do in life is literally just explicitly ask for help yeah just say like i just need you to just be really nice to me right now and then hopefully people will no they will also people's default is not always thinking constantly about other people which is fair enough like i'm not constantly thinking oh does my mum need extra help i'm kind of thinking in a low-key way but if she specifically said i'm really struggling right now i would go out of my way to help and i think it's important to ask agreed i think it's really nice to give people the opportunity to be there for you as well yeah it's an honor that was nice yeah that was nice see you around see you around um buy our merch if you haven't or just at least look at it like it is really nice yeah admire the new

look yeah yeah just stare at the page i'm not gonna lie people have been actually admiring it more than i thought i thought we would get a bit of um not flack but like kind of the classic i i love the i like the old one yeah i haven't seen a single no offense if you've said that i haven't seen it and now let's keep it that way yeah i'm really happy i remember the first thing really well when i went blonde the first message i got which look it was a well-meaning thing but it was the first thing i saw was oh but i loved the brown and i do think that there's just a memo to everyone in life with people they know in life i think you don't know if if someone's just changed something maybe just the first thing you say shouldn't be that um that you love the old

thing even though it is so nice maybe it does also hurt when that's maybe the first thing a little bit the first bit of feedback is negative feedback but i'm so shocked everyone's been so nice they've been so nice thank you so much into it not that i think you guys are assholes but you've been even nicer than i expected yes i was gonna say that but then i was thinking we'll just say in the next one let's say in this one as well let's say in every single one until the day comes yeah we shall 23rd of january cambridge see you there so we're doing a talk at cambridge university which i mean i don't think i need to say if you haven't heard of cambridge it's um oxygen cambridge are the top unis in the uk probably in the world maybe

cambridge university guys couldn't be bigger it couldn't be thriving we're doing a talk there on the 23rd of january 2024 so maybe when we get some more details maybe we'll do like a little highlight on the on the instagram or something. But if you live near... Because I would love for you to be able to stop by. We can put tickets up and stuff at some point. Yeah. But if you live in the Cambridge vicinity or even anywhere near Cambridge, we're training our way to Cambridge. Of course.

So if you live near it, please come and say hi to us. Please. Cambridge University, can you believe? That's sending a chill down my spine. I know. What are we going to say? I don't know. Terrifying.

I don't know. So if you want to see us fumble our way. Well, come on down. Let me actually just Google. It'll be so fun. Let me just Google people that went to Cambridge. It's going to be insane. Oh no, we don't need to do it.

It's just literally a list of every famous English person went there. Cool, good app. Good app, I hope. Yeah. I hope so. Well, if you don't hear from us, assume the worst. Assume the worst. you