Goes Without Saying - living with mental illness: pov ur rotting in bed...

Episode Date: October 9, 2022

one man's trash experiences and life-lessons...join the conversation every monday.shop our merch: sephyandwing.comcome and chat in our book club!speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram!you’re invited to our discord group chat: https://discord.gg/zuPH7gyeGp Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. In the early 1980s, gay men started to get sick from AIDS. Here's a show that we recommend. And in the new season of my podcast, Resurrection, I tell the stories of heroes of the early AIDS movement.

Like the story of a cabaret singer and a sex worker who invented safe sex and saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out Resurrection wherever you listen to podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com It goes without saying you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi. And I'm Wing.

And this is an episode all about mental health, depression, anxiety, all of the words. Yeah, we've been away for a few weeks we're back with mental health and we keep talking about this this movie i was gonna say it's a movie movie it just feels like a movie what i like about this podcast it just feels like a podcast podcast like put your airports and listen to this podcast you know like a real podcast what makes it bad it says a movie a movie like a film it's like don't change the word now it's bad it's not good i thought it was bad he goes you go to the theater and see a movie it's like i think you it's almost like yeah i know it's an american thing but just say you go to the cinema it's a very obvious he hasn't been to a

cinema in a long time unless it's like a premiere and then he's going to the theater to see a movie move oh god right anyway we love anyway this is a podcast podcast and we kind of we talk about mental health i would say it gets a bit sensitive maybe points are we putting a trigger warning i don't know if i how do we feel about trigger warnings but i would just say self-harm is mentioned panic attacks just general low vibes body image stuff everything everything that i think we speak about it all very sensitively yeah if you think it could appear in a mental health episode you can't hear it it probably appears in this episode but very sensitively i think with kindness oh definitely it's very casual

it's very chilled very good time so if he's in a robe couldn't get more chilled a robe god you're a movie movie american girl a robe a dressing gown sorry my mistake so american movie movie movie me in the theater right this has to be it let's go we just did a really normal episode as well and then just do a weird intro put this in front of it fucking hell almost insulting to the episode it's bad it's not good also insulting to harry which i hate i don't want to make him feel bad anyway go go go here's the episode okay the usual fear is kicking in but it almost feels like times 10 do you think no that was actually bullshit i actually feel quite relaxed do you well you're in your tell them about the robe well i put on a dressing gown which i don't wear no i've never really i don't really dressing gown no no i think i don't like the

neckline and i'm quite funny with necklines well let me say it looks great on you thank you so much i my mum was like clearing out her room and she was like do you want this like it's essentially like a stolen dressing gown from a spa it's in your blood it honestly is and i was like yeah i'll take it it's like one of those white kind of waffle i was describing as she was looking at me blankly but yeah yeah and i almost thought that's perfect for a mental health chat like i feel like i'm going to the spa i'm like going in to get sort of cleansed i'm well i hope so i hope so we better be yeah um how are you i'll get in first How are you? I'll go in first. How are you? Hard to say really, isn't it? Hard to summarise in a sentence, but in a way, never better. Yeah. I'm really excited for this conversation.

Me too. I'm actually really excited. I was so glad when you said it, when you were like, let's do this. It's almost like, because I feel like it would be a bit weird to come in with like we're talking about friendship it's like yeah it's not relevant it's not we're not friends it's not relevant we've got no friends it's not relevant it's not relevant but i almost felt like this is like yeah this is at the very much at the forefront of what is happening right now sure yeah and i almost feel like as well it's kind of um you know when you would say how can i be of service before every podcast i was thinking about that earlier yeah were you because it does kind of feel like that right yeah i think that's my um the vibe is one of my cruxes yeah yeah but what we mean by that i don't know if you've explained but yeah maybe maybe tell us a

bit actually just in a sentence well it was something that oprah used to say like she i had it on super soul sunday one of my favorite podcasts back in the day which i really want to listen to again she would say before she would go on like the oprah show she'd be like right how can i be of service to these people that have come to this show that this that are watching my show how can i oprah little old oprah winfrey be um of service to these people and i kind of adopted it like yeah i kind of like it in that it's like okay so it takes it away from like i but this week i want to talk about the fact my dog attacked a man yesterday it was really bad my dog my dog attacked a man yesterday yeah it was a really creepy man but my dog went for his dick it was crazy my jaw is dropped i know i can't believe

he would do that he's so sweet like he's never done that before but the man was getting really weird like putting his hand in front of his face and auto went at his dick he was the man was bringing out beans on toast for me oh wow it's in a cafe but i don't my point is i don't want to talk about that i want to say how can i be of service to you you know what you're doing right now and i don't think you're going to know what this is but when taylor swift was on snl when she was 19 it's the first time she hosted first time she hosted she's 18 or 19 and she did her opening monologue and it was a song and at the time there were scandals such as obviously kanye west joe jonas had just dumped her she was apparently dating taylor lautner so these were all the things buzzing around her

yeah she's doing really well and in her song she says i'm not gonna talk about like joe jonas like dumping me whatever like yeah she says hey joe i'm doing real well tonight i'm hosting snl that's how it goes i would recommend finding out on youtube it's funny right from a 19 year old to be hosting snl but anyway that's you just you know you took me back that's so cool from her well done taylor really cool from her thriving i agree though i think it's also i'm kind of feeling like um i want to do a bit of a car boot sale with my brain i just want to like be i want to be so i'm that i don't want to be vague i want to be so explicit and just honest dump out all my thoughts and if there's anything of interest in here feel free to take it off with you no free of charge

god that sounds great you need and go kind of what would an american call it a garage sale And if there's anything of interest in here, feel free to take it off with you. No free of charge. God, that sounds great. Just take what you need and go. Kind of, what would an American call it? A garage sale. A garage sale. Or... We're doing a garage sale. Is there...

There's another word for it, though. Like, what's the bit... You know in the office when they go on that fun run for rabies, for Meredith? Yes, yeah. They get that weird lamp. That's not a garage sale, is it? A yard sale. A yard sale it a yard sale a yard sale

sure let's do that you're pulling up to the seven wing yard sale in your pink car and fucking hell there is a ton of shit you might walk past and think jesus christ who would have the nerve to put this shit out there for people to take it's insulting almost they put out their dirty knickers exactly yeah but i reckon those dirty knickers will be someone's gonna want them one person yes someone wants them they'll be willing to pay good money for them i reckon actually they probably would but yeah and also what's item number one you're putting out item number one is just once again again, as usual, broken record, just a message of gratitude. Not only to the listener.

Oh, no, lovely little note. I'm just so happy and grateful that I feel like I have said before, something that kind of helps me, something that makes me feel good is knowing that we have this space and we have actually really amazing people listening this is what shocks me actually it's weird isn't it i i haven't been on instagram too much recently but my therapist tells me to go back on so i'm back on interesting yeah interesting stuff going on um and when i went on i was i was getting so overwhelmed like before i went on i was like right okay let's do some kind of um meditation all of my breathing exercises come on you're going on this app that usually makes you feel like shit about yourself you're going on click on and actually all i got was all these messages i was i was on stephanie wing everyone was just saying love you guys love

you guys and i shed a tear i was like god why have i been scared of this place it is everyone's so nice everyone's properly properly nice isn't it shocking though yeah wait oh my god everyone is so nice i honestly thought i was gonna go into a thing where everyone's like you're not that annoyed everyone was like you're so nice love you guys i'm so grateful because i'm grateful for the patience but i'm also just mostly grateful to have the space have cool people listening and also i'm grateful for you seffy because i don't think i would be in this well i know i wouldn't be in this place without you so let's all say thanks and i just feel so um who was saying the other day i can't remember but basically i've like i know i say this all the

time but the fact that i just i can talk to you about my thoughts and get your opinion anytime i want really kind of i've got you on call and that i do not take for granted this luxurious position that i'm in do you know what i mean yeah no i love that it's kind of crazy because also there are a few people there's only a handful of people i've ever met in this life that i really respect and like value their opinions makes me sound rude but like a lot of people don't tell me their opinions and i'll think you're just wrong you're just downright wrong yeah yeah but your opinion even if it was completely different to my opinion i would you're someone that would make me think right she she really knows what she's on about let's really think about what she's

saying here thank you i would really i really like respect your thoughts thank you thank you so much well what a nice space to to take us off right yeah i can't wait this feels nice it does feel nice yeah yeah i'm gonna wear a dressing gown more i think it's changing my attitude once you start you won't stop oh god perfect time for winter they're so good because i think if i'd found this life in summer i really wouldn't have left the house but it's fine i think it's fine not to leave the house in autumn oh it's recommended it's encouraged i would say so i think my brother's gonna walk in in three seconds into my room no he's not it's fine no okay cool by the way if you

can hear like i just had toast two slices brackets and a tea and i feel like you can hear me like gurgling away like my stomach's rumbling like you can kind of hear the toast in my mouth so sorry if i think these are the vibes okay do you want to go first well i don't know do you want to go first i want you to go first i haven't really thing is i've just looked through and there's a general vibe of like everyone is saying yeah amazing things ever i haven't like screenshot any of them I've just like noted ones that I think are really cool I think I just I think it's just I really want to let you into my day-to-day when things are bad how we get to a good place things like that well why don't we start with that like how has your day-to-day been recently um better i feel like actually i think maybe a general vibe there was a lot of questions about medication do you agree a lot and therapy of like which is better

therapy medication and it's like i don't think it really works in a better worse situation no i think and goes out saying with everything I'm gonna say I'm I can only be talking to like a version of myself who needs to hear this so yeah like with anything that I say you might be like stepping and be like oh I respect her opinion but even if you don't like I'm sorry in advance if I say anything that ruffles your feathers um but I just I can only speak from my own experience but i feel like there was a lot of messages about like stigma yeah i saw that and i thought i don't know whether i'm just in areas where there isn't a stigma anymore but actually i was speaking to someone yesterday

and someone spoke about the stigma of medication i thought i don't know if i agree anymore for where i am but then there must be and there is of course yeah there definitely is but like i think if you're in the position where it's down to you if you're the one who's going to be taking the medication for me personally if i felt any stigma or pressure to not take any medication the way that my life has changed since finding medication that works for me any stigma the least the least jesus christ the least of my concerns yeah the least of my worries but that is coming to tell anyone like no you don't demanding to know from... You don't have to tell anyone. Like, fuck this, who's demanding to know? Yeah, you really don't. I think sometimes the stigma stops people, though, from accessing it.

Yeah, definitely. And I actually was in the DMs with someone recently because they said basically how do they go about, like, going to the doctors about their mental health and stuff. This is going to be quite UK-based advice, I think. But my first think but my first thing my first point of action would be my overarching experience would be think about what you want from them what is the outcome that you're looking for if you're not sure like even

for me like when i first started therapy it took me like loads of sessions to even get to the crux if you will of what was going on i think that's the weird thing like with therapy sometimes you don't remember going in for social anxiety to therapy and what i discovered through therapy is that i don't have social anxiety i have body dysmorphia which causes social anxiety like the real nut of the issue the crux in the middle is this body image shit which then spills into all the other things and that's the reason you can't face going to seminars shit like that uni yeah i think that's really common in therapy you go in for one thing you come out like oh shit no knowing what i was eight

sessions in and i've realized it's this other thing definitely but i feel like you might for example then if it's a situation like that the symptom that you're dealing with in life is I can't go to seminars because I get really anxious. And then the more I don't go to seminars, the less I want to go, the less I'm being able to do my work, the more that I can't do my work, the more I don't want to go, my grades are slipping, I've got more and more to get anxious about blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you go you go to the doctor, you can either ring them. Or I think if you're in the UK, what a really good thing to do is see if they have an e-consult thing yeah it's on the nhs um because my doctor surgery in brighton has this e-consult thing do you have this e-consult yeah yeah it's really good i don't think i've ever used it but yeah that it is a thing it's so useful you literally

there's a long list of things it could be like ear infection like blah blah you click whatever it says like mental health whatever you click it you type in um it says like what what are your symptoms you could say okay at the moment i'm dealing with feelings that i can't go to my seminars like my life is here is how my life is being impacted okay here are the real tangible physical ways that i am dealing with a real symptom of what i'm going through even if i don't have the vocabulary to know that it's anxiety or social anxiety or later down the line body dysmorphia or any of that i know that i can't go to my seminars right now think about what then you want the outcome to be so i think even if you're not sure you can just say i would like to explore medication and counseling yeah put me on a it was it and why

i like the e-consult is it says what are your symptoms next question how do you want us to help and it's like okay i can tell you exactly yeah and it's like you could literally say oh well i tried citalopram when i was younger and i would like to try it again or can you please i know there's a waiting list but can you put me on a waiting list for therapy and just get the ball rolling and why i like this e-consult thing so much is that you do that say you did it say what day is it today sunday so you do it mid on maybe not on sunday because it's weekend but say you did it midday on monday say you did it now when you're listening to this episode by the end of the day tomorrow by 6 30 tomorrow you'll get a response from your doctor wow fucking hell just over the phone amazing if it's something you need

some pictures you just send pictures blah blah yeah go on well no that's just quite unheard of i think one of the main barriers is this waiting time that is like a known thing with the nhs that you you apply for something therapy whatever it is that you want to get and you've got to wait four months until it starts yeah that is really amazing to hear that it's that quick well i think just because the nhs is overwhelmed doesn't mean that your problems don't matter because they do yeah and the sooner you can get on a waiting list six months is going to pass either way so you can either be six months deep into not going to your seminars or six months closer to getting therapy yeah and also it's worth i like that you just said get the ball get the ball rolling because i think that's one of the things it's like just if it's you know it's coming you know it's worth i like that you just said get the ball get the ball rolling because i think that's one of the things it's like if it's you know it's coming you know it's in motion like you've done

that step you're on this fucking list and that will it will actually pass quite quickly and i even think if you do get um therapy and even therapy on the nhs which i think is amazing yeah you even if you don't find the if even if the therapy didn't work for you or you didn't find the right therapist for you or you didn't feel like the sessions were moving you forward or anything i think even just the act of taking the time to contact your gp going through that conversation with someone is i think that does something to like your psyche like you're showing yourself that you give a shit enough about yourself do you know that in itself is progress yeah 100 well that's to be honest i actually think that's the hardest bit oh my god it's one of the hardest bits in because

also i am coming towards the end now i've had 12 sessions on dysmorphia with the nhs and i'm on my i just had my ninth so i'm coming towards the fucking end of it terrified but hands down best therapy i've ever had nhs therapy so fucking great but the hardest bit of that like they're they're they're week after week that's fine they come around every fucking week the bit that's fucking hard is being like right what i type in fucking nhs yeah body dysmorphia yeah i can help me i hate every single thing about myself like where do you start and i feel like as well sometimes i know lots of people i know this happened to me when i was younger about loads of things like you could be going in for a sore throat you could be going in for like for a chest infection whatever and

you come away from the doctors feeling like they didn't really give you anything they didn't really tell you anything they kind of just brushed you off and i feel like and i feel like what was that i got this watch and i've accidentally put it i've set a timer for every hour so it's going off every hour i need to fix it why are you doing a timer for every hour i don't know i must have clicked something it doesn't matter i need to look at it but um what was i saying oh sorry no no no it was the watch it was the watch my time turner um oh god god i can't even i can't even think i'm so distracted by the watch yes i'm like but i can feel it slipping from my yeah right let's focus um acas powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend

nature i've got a gay rooster named franco. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world.

The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com NHS therapy, hardest bit is going oh yes sometimes they brush you off yes i've come away from the doctors loads of times feeling like oh well that wasn't helpful sort of thing not to talk show doctors but i've known lots of people as well to come away from the doctors feeling like

they haven't got an answer for something or like they're not being taken seriously and blah blah blah why i think it's so good whether or not you do this e-consult thing that for summer i don't know it's not sponsored by e-consult it's not even a thing i wish it was just i think it's good especially like if you're anxious about calling a receptionist and talking on the phone and things like that it just yeah you can just do it on your phone they don't have to see you crying sort of thing um not there's anything wrong with that but fun fact the first time i ever went to the doctors for my mental health i must have been about 14 15 my mum took me in because i was like not going to school just like crying all day just like being in my bedroom blah blah blah and it was bless him it was actually his first

it was the doctor's first day and i was his first appointment at 8 a.m it was the first appointment what the hell and he came in he said how can i help you today and i went and i just started crying you guys have heard me do that a million times and i traumatized this poor man anyway it was his first and last day but he actually was really helpful yeah i know but what are the chances i know but why i think it's so good to go in you you need to steer the doctor in the right direction this is a person who's just at work they're just going about their day they're dealing with a ton of people um oh i just realized i had peanut butter all over my face did you see it no no no i would

always say i hate when people don't say would you it's actually out of order if people don't say sorry i think it's really between us it would be out of order if you didn't know me so rude i know i think it's like a red flag for anyone because it's almost like they would prioritize not having that embarrassing moment over you getting home and being absolutely mortified i think getting home is bad you're not gonna catch your reflection the whole time oh god it's bad awful it's so bad yeah anyway this doctor's going about his day so a second psa of the this junkyard the junkyard there's just a jar of peanut butter saying tell me yeah what did you have just peanut

butter no i had one slice of peanut butter and one slice of jam interesting not a double whammy not a double whammy because and jam i do get that but sometimes i want to you're having a deconstructed pb and j yeah i'm doing like a hipster thing yeah um no i just think sometimes you want to get the right ratio and it's not always perfect if you mix it like sometimes you might just be in the mood for a jam bite and then if you've got wow i've never been for a jam bite no you say that but when you have a jam bite i think you'll eat your words i would i i i would rather have a peanut butter yeah or a peanut butter bite fair enough yeah but that way you get to take them both at

your own pace but you'll never oh what so you're munching one then you're having a munch out the other yeah sure yeah you're not eating one slice than the other i think it just no no no no i think it just gives you yeah you're going between the two well i am going between the two because it gives you time to like appreciate both of the flavors and you know i mean like almost like two people god they could be married for 50 years but i still want to experience them as individuals for all their worth yeah you don't lose your sense of self just because you're tied to old pb but i kind of you're still jay but i always see like pb is like a stunning woman jay is like her boring husband jay doesn't do it for me i only like jay when he's with pb but you have to admit it with banana i have pb and loads of other but surely jay is far more

feminine than pb to me the the superior one is the pb i agree superior is pb anyway yeah fair enough anyway yeah that's what i had it was all over my mouth if he didn't tell me what snake um right yes your doctor they're going about their fucking life they don't know this 15 year old kid coming from crying their mom's looking all confused it's just it's awful but he doesn't know what to make of this this poor man and why i think it's good that even if you don't know exactly what's wrong with you because for ages my whole life i've been like i don't know what's wrong with me i just blah blah blah yeah yeah um i know the vibes you might know the symptoms so for example the symptom might be i'm not going to my seminars because i don't feel good i'm feeling nauseous before my seminars i'm sure your doctor might make sense of that you can say

i would like to explore medication i would like to have a conversation with you about what could be my best steps going forward in terms of what medication might be right for me i would like you to put me on a waiting list or i can do a self-referral for counseling because it's significantly impacting my day-to-day life and i don't deserve to live like that you don't need to say the end bit if you don't want to it's a bit cringe but i think that's the saying that to yourself i think that's one of the things it's like i think a huge barrier for going is kind of the thing of being like i think i do deserve to live like this like the subtext of not going is you being like yeah i i feel fucking bad every day or a large proportion of my time on this planet but but it's fine that's normal like that's just what i should be living like it's actually no you don't deserve to feel bad yeah you should yeah and

i think you know when your day-to-day is being impacted if you feel like so i always feel like god i just can't live like a normal person and i just thought that was kind of my own problem that i just had to like figure it out or something not the case actually and i was saying actually before we started recording that i feel like since finding medication that works for me i have so much more clarity now in living for like six weeks let's say at a good point feeling good still having bad days normal human being bad days where you just wake up it's like i don't feel great whatever i was actually saying to seffy it's like well actually quite recently seffy tried on my glasses i wear contacts every day oh my god blind as a bat she is blind as a bat i knew you were gonna say this professor

i was so honestly appalled at the state of your eyesight it's really it's really really shocking um but i remember like the first time like putting my contacts in for example and it's just god you see the world in hd like i remember being like god i can see the definition of the leaves on the trees and then only then you realize how bad your eyesight was and i feel like having a normal brain capacity or a more normal brain from medication over the past few weeks even not the past couple weeks but anyway having that time where you're feeling different shows you how fucking abnormal not abnormal but just yeah abnormal yeah my brain was and now as well i definitely feel like even though we're talking about a chemical biological change i also do feel the mindset change in the sense of i was saying this to seffy earlier i cannot i can't be anything but kind to

myself now because i can see myself actually in the way that i would see someone else i said actually to seffy i was like i wouldn't see i see a blind person walking down the street i'm not gonna push them over and be like you fucking idiot you fucking cunt like you're so dumb like why is that how i talk to myself right yeah exactly because now i can resilient i am so amazing i am really something because i have been tested and i am still here that is crazy and even like looking back on like that 14 50 year old girl it's like god i don't know how she got through that i don't know how she got through that but thank thank god thank the universe that she did because now i'm here and i get to deal with that because i fucking persevered i just i

got through it and i don't know how i did that i don't think not any old person could do that how amazing is that because that's a new mindset it's the last time you felt kind of bad you definitely didn't come out of it like like like that like this no you didn't no this is a new thing which i think is incredible i think i just have clarity on it now yeah it's just like i would never if i knew someone anyone else someone close to me a stranger was going through what i go through i would literally be like oh wow like god like you're hard like oh wow look at you guys i mean like shit like wow and at the very very least you wouldn't be punishing them oh fucking hell like even if you can't get to the stage where you're going i'm fucking amazing i know and i'm here like i feel like that's an amazing state to be at but at the very very very least you can be, maybe she deserves to fucking sit down for a bit and have an hour of fucking watching TikTok and just like zoning out, whatever.

She needs to have fucking Shrek 2 put on. The best Shrek. Oh, she doesn't need me going on and making her feel worse. It's actually cruel. It's how would you treat your daughter? That's just the way I always think of things. How would you treat your daughter if she came to you feeling like this? You'd go day off school. Sit down sit down i'm gonna make you a jacket potato

whatever sit down that sounds great doesn't it um this robe is bringing out a new new side of you what is the robe also i haven't had a jacket potato in about four years like i don't know why something that came to mind we were i think it's because i want the other day i would want autumnal yeah always yeah yeah fair enough but it was almost like yeah you would definitely not be like um well come on i mean yeah back to normal life now you'd be like right let's not even it would be like look at you you're pathetic you're this you're that god that's insane could you imagine walking up to someone their lowest moment going you're pathetic you're nothing it's literally a bully it's what you're living with oh my god that's the kind of crux of most mental health issues is that you have this kind of bully in your brain this voice that you've like given a load of attention over the years it's built up

certain narratives and you're living with this quite evil thing in your mind so evil which is a part of you which is the strangest bit and i think one of the main things we were actually talking about this the other day on voice notes which our voice notes are clearly too intense but we were saying like one of the i think main skills that you get and we were actually relating this to andy from headspace often preaches this but is almost um detaching yourself from like the evil voice all of this stuff and like rather than being like i know or like ah this is also fucking bad being like okay right now there's a part of me that's telling myself that i'm pathetic and i'm gonna observe that voice yes i'm gonna look at that voice and be like fucking hell that voice is so rude

don't be fucking rude yeah that's one of that's also one of the things that's why i call my body dysmorphia i call it emma like because it detaches it's like oh that's fucking emma being a bitch like and i think that's the same thing of being like that this is your depression saying you're like empathetic you're weak whatever it's fucking saying it's like no that's my depression saying that that's not me i i'm the person dealing with this shit and now i can watch that voice i can say hi you're actually a bit of a fucking freak leave me alone i'm trying to watch harry potter whatever you're doing yeah i think that distance is one of the main things that every therapy session i've ever been in anyone that i know that's been in therapy comes out with thinking you're taught to detach yourself from yourself

and the kind of thing that you're dealing with the like mental illness you're dealing with at that moment whatever it's labeled as yeah crazy crazy right yeah weird fucking world yeah weird world we live in it's one of my big mantras at the moment it's stephi's phrases at the moment i'm my two mantras at the moment that i'm going is honestly in the last like few weeks i've been just saying all the time weird world yeah animal crossing wild world i've been saying this non the time weird world yeah animal crossing wild world yeah weird world weird world and it keeps getting proved to me and also people are weird people are weird people are so weird weird world people are weird weird i'm literally kind of like random after anything happens that's so random that's random that's funny but honestly my big lesson at the moment is people are weird people

are so random and this is a weird world so deep so smart never a truer word spoken it's so simple but true no it's so true okay that's a good start yeah i like this okay good go on um i don't i don't have anything though i don't have any can we pause it and i have a look or no let's just leave it running okay do you have anything off the top of your head let me look i did screenshot some okay that's good i just haven't screenshot anything but there's so many good things oh can i just say someone said no question but i'm just glad my emotional support podcast is back oh god they were actually really like a ton of cute messages which is really cute so nice thank

you weird world hey weird world i don't know you go in with one this is this is a car boot sale it's a car fucking boot sale. I don't even want that. For some reason, that was like, that really chilled me out. I knew it would make, I knew it would really, you would get it. Yeah, I really needed to hear that it's a car boot sale. Yeah, yeah. Because it's just like, one man's trash.

But it's almost like, yeah, you wouldn't come to a car boot sale stressed. Right, it's got to be perfect car boot sale. It's a fucking car boot sale. Exactly, you wouldn't come to a car boot sale stressed right it's gonna be perfect car boot sale it's a fucking exactly you wouldn't it's all your junk exactly and you know what as well with the car boot sale at least with my car boot sale it's personal stuff that i've been living with for years and i'm i'm ready to let it's kind of like the old monopoly board that you have exactly your favorite pieces in yeah um okay okay okay this is cute small everyday things that help you question mark like what are some small everyday things i'm almost thinking like when you're in a bad place what are some small how bad um i would say what i would say about like when you're struggling when it's like this is going this isn't i wouldn't describe this as a good time this is a bad time

right got some small everyday things that kind of help you if anything um okay i don't know if this counts as a small everyday thing, but I think one of the big things for me is who do I have around me? Yeah. Who am I surrounding myself with? Because if I'm spotted, there are only snakes in this grass. I'm going down.

You're weeding them out. Yeah, you need to weed them out because, well, you can do what you want. But I just think something that's really been good for me is with obviously for a long time thinking oh okay there's just something wrong with me don't know what it is blah blah blah i also saw people talking about feeling lonely feeling isolated a lack of connection between people blah blah blah sorry did you just see what i did yeah you're getting comfy no I was actually getting out of

an uncomfy situation I literally kind of had to put my leg like almost kind of over my head casually whilst you're saying some amazing stuff because I'm literally pinned in the corner and I've got about two pillows two blankets and a dressing gown and a weird I didn't even question it next to me you just turned up in that spot and i thought yep here we go no i've i've really pinned myself into against a wall as well yeah no against a wall with a table in front of me i'm kind of florence pew in the don't worry darling like squished between the window and the wall stunning never seen a more stunning sight yeah um sorry go on yeah i saw loads of people talking about a lack of connection and like feeling

isolated and all of these things and i think i agree so true i think for me for a long time it was something that i felt like because i just didn't know what really was going on and i felt like okay i just have to get on with this i just have to sort this like this is my problem blah blah blah I kept so much I think I have said this on the podcast before but obviously this podcast is very honest and like well I think it is pretty open and we end up having people who listen knowing things about us that I think sometimes people in our real lives wouldn't have heard or yeah definitely um but in my day-to-day life and especially when i was younger i really would not tell people even how i felt or like the extent of what i was going through so like they would see me at school like my hair and makeup done i would just be like flitting around

whatever like blah blah but it's like i potentially have dragged myself out of bed yeah this is gonna be we're gonna have to do a trigger situation in the beginning i'm sure we will but there's some self-harming going on there's there's everyday panic attack day every hour on the hour panic attack day there's a lot going on behind the scenes that you don't see when that girl turns up and just sits next to you in the lesson and whatever yeah so even people closest to me really actually had no not a scooby what was going on and i think there are a few reasons for that but i think now something that helps me day-to-day is breaking that barrier with people, and making it, and I've also saw a lot of messages of people being like, how do you stop it from becoming your whole identity, and something you really identify

with, and blah blah blah, but I actually think something that's been useful for me is making it something that I don't shy away from in who I am, this a big part of who I am it's a really big part of who I am if you consider that a lot of my days are taken up by symptoms so yeah it's absolutely a part of who I who I actually tangibly am in life um and I I need to be able to share that with people who love me because the minute i do you receive hopefully so much support and love that almost then and this might sound a bit fucked up but i think then and this might sound a bit fucked up but I think say like my loved ones, Sefi, my friends, my boyfriend, people that I love in my life could give me all of the support in the world which is amazing but it will still be meaningless if I can't give that support to myself at the end

of the day and I think almost like where i was holding out for a long time of like just dealing with this on my own and not feeling comfortable to speak about things and just like didn't want to burden anyone and blah blah and would just isolate myself ignore people for weeks disappear off the face of the earth pop back up like hey what's up um when you see how easy it is for people to just give you so much love and as a third party be like oh my god okay sounds like you're really going through something if there's anything i can do blah blah blah all the nice things it is so comforting but it's also the reminder of that void of love still won't be full unless you give it to yourself does that make sense

it makes so much sense yeah in in a way like all of the love in the world it can't change anything but it changes everything i love do you know what i mean yeah like yeah it can't change anything it changes everything but it also can't change anything until you you just have to for me anyway it's like just seeing almost how normal it is and just how frank it can be of people being like how are you feeling today what's the update blah blah blah just it's a team effort and I also think I'm not well I am screaming it from the rooftops if I'm talking about it on a podcast but I don't just hop into people that I don't really know's dms and say

hey um I'm really struggling can you help me but like I'm sharing hop into people that i don't really know's dms and say hey um i'm really struggling can you help me but like i'm sharing this with people that i love and i know love me therefore i would do it you would do the same i mean not actually if someone came to my dms i would still be there for them but you get what i mean like i know that these people genuinely i just think have people around you that you that make you feel supported i agree and be honest with them and say i can't i'm sorry i can't see you next week it's not looking likely because i'm not leaving the house yeah i'm working on anyone that like genuinely gives a shit is there in for it like no one that genuinely gives a shit is gonna go oh you feel like shit

oh but i was gonna go to the pub with you yesterday and you cancelled it i'm pissed off they're gonna be like oh my god what's going on are you okay anything i can do blah blah blah blah anyone that gives a shit would do that i think i'm quite sensitive to this but have you ever been out and about for example at the pub in a group and it's like oh sarah's not coming again classic sarah like she said she's just like angry have you ever you've never been around that i think there's a few different variations of that though like i i hate the thing of sarah's like basically i was talking about it the other day with my friend who she'd made a plan to go meet her friend and on the day her friend cancelled on her and it was because she went

to a party the night before okay and it was the thing like and i was saying i think there's such a huge i don't know to me it's like if there's a pro if they prioritize something else ahead of the thing i think it's fair enough to be annoyed but if it's like oh classic sarah she never comes okay someone go check on sarah then yeah what i don't like is kind of not even it's like sarah said oh hey sorry i'm just really anxious the moment i've got an exam tomorrow i can't come like i've actually i've just been thinking about it and i'm really worried and i can't come sorry and then you get there and everyone's like oh fucking sarah and it's like oh yeah no i don't know if it's fucking chocolate yeah i agree yeah i agree also something doesn't sit right about oh sorry no go no go please no just something doesn't sit right about a group of friends

so-called friends sitting around being like oh classic sarah it's like are we all okay like why do we all also the thing of like forcing someone to go out i've definitely been in situations before where i felt like everyone will be annoyed at me if i don't go so i have to go even though i want nothing more than to sit at home and watch like scream three at home and like not think about this um and not i'm not going to be kind of like i just feel like there's sometimes a certain expectation of people to go and like have you ever been the kind of the glue of a of a situation yeah yeah that's like they can't if you don't go if you don't go and you're the like linchpin and

everyone else being able to go and have a good night linchpin that's a good word the linchpin i would never know if i'm using it right i think my mom always calls herself yeah i bet she does it's in your blood yeah being the being the glue but i feel like that's when the that pressure really gets like if you don't go everyone's fucking annoyed and that's when you can imagine everyone's sitting at home being like oh fucking bitch didn't show up like she's so selfish and that kind of kills me. I agree. It kills me too. But again, I'm at this place where I'm like,

I just, I also think if there's two people on this planet who would never make you feel bad about not showing up to something, it's definitely the amount of conversations that we have in our own lives about like, just, I think, I just, I think as well as i don't want anyone to experience feeling the lowest of the low i actually really don't and again this is why i'm really loving myself these days because i'm like god look at me go like i felt so bad in my life and i still have i actually have so much love to give to the world stunning i am such a compassionate person i need to be compassionate

with myself and also i just would never ever in a million years in a way it's a good thing it means i i just if someone's in my life it really it would take a lot for me to pass judgment on them and i would never want to make them feel bad and i would always give them the benefit of the doubt of is something going on like are you okay do you know what i mean i think it does make you more in tune to people's feelings i was thinking this a couple days ago like you know how people always say like oh you go through hard shit and that makes you who you are and people sometimes say like oh yeah i'm grateful to have this stuff yeah i was thinking the other day if i could erase my history of um of body dysmorphia when i say mental health for

myself i'm only talking about that really if i could erase my history of that would i or has it made me the person that i am have i got something special because of how much i've struggled with that and then i was wondering i don't know where i sit with it at all what do you think would you erase it from your history and be someone that's never struggled with that or do you think it's made you who you are and you're happy with it it's i i know i said earlier i know there were a lot of messages about like well i think there are a good few messages about feeling like your mental health struggles are your identity and like what are you without that and even like i saw people saying they're scared to get better because then what are they without that and stuff like that I have dealt with this in a really extreme way for a really long time and I'm not ashamed to say that it has really shaped me yeah I don't know who I am without it

yeah as much of that is a shame like for example last year on my birthday I was really upset because it just put into perspective for me that my baby youth was over and i'd spent so much of it feeling so shit yeah but like i love who i am and i don't know what i would be without this and it's put me through tons of shit obviously and that's really sad but i also think it has given me a lot it gives i think it i really i must have real depth of character to be able to go through these feelings and like i said i still have so much love for other people and like and still be here yeah i don't know i i would never i can't get rid of it because it was also some things have stemmed from like my childhood and i lived in an abusive household when i was younger and i

it's changed my relationships with key people in my life i can't take that away because i can't undo i can't unsee the things i've seen i can't unlearn the things that i've learned i wouldn't want that yeah i mean that makes perfect sense i've totally been in the place of like oh this is fucking shit and annoying and if that's how you feel today totally valid i'll feel like that next week for sure but i think my overarching thing is always i would never take it away i love that i would never think is that to get i a place i would not take away essentially suffering it's like one of the most unpleasant things you can have in your life i wouldn't take that away someone was saying to me recently they were like you are oh sorry i can't let me just charles oh he's going downstairs i was gonna tell him to shut up

is that he's just thinking he's no that he's like listening to his youtube things on his ipad really loudly but i was gonna be like yeah shouldn't you can you shut up he just had a shower i'm scared we can hear that throughout the whole thing but i think it'll be fine i don't think so it sounded quite quiet from here but he was having a show yeah someone was saying to me the other day, they were like, you are doing a very noble thing by... Noble style. Yeah. By like, still, basically someone who really, I was, you know, in this horrible situation, blah, blah, blah. Someone who really shouldn't have, someone who had a responsibility to take care of me really hurt me.

And I have done so much like come to peace with that and I still I mean now today as an adult can look at that situation and look at that person and have so much love and respect and understanding for the things that they did and also also feel like I have to back myself and have stood up for myself and my younger self um but they were like you're really doing a noble thing by still having love and treating someone with kindness and like having so much compassion and understanding for someone who really has fucked up a lot of your life well i think that's really impressive and also that doesn't i agree easily doesn't come by accident do you know what it is? It's kind of forgiveness,

which I feel like often is people's, I actually think if anyone listened to, not to bring it up again, Diary of a CEO, Stephen, Stephen, everybody's love. Yeah,

good. We love him. The hottie of the moment. The Maisie Williams one. I haven't finished it. So fucking incredible. I watched it the whole two hours she's amazing she's amazing but i think she says i believe this is her who says like i think one of her goals for

going into therapy was like i want i want to forgive i don't know if this was her but if it wasn't you maisie i'm so sorry but it's nothing bad she's definitely listening hey Maisie we love you so much by the way you're incredible and I love your work in Game of Thrones I love you I'm gonna tell Sophie I love her honestly tell the whole cast tell the whole crew um especially tell the hound because I know you did a lot of work with him he's amazing kiss on the head to Sophie's Hannah and Joe Jonas's babies from me please um but I think she was saying like she was seeking like forgiveness for a while i do often feel like that's quite a thing that people go into like they have the end goal of their journey with therapy yeah it's kind of closure i want to let go it wasn't maisie williams it was jeanette mccurdy it was jeanette mccurdy

another queen of the moment another priestess she's a priestess oh my god i'm nearly done with her book i'm literally a few pages off the end of her book incredible i think she was saying to whitney cummings is that her name podcast yeah um on her podcast saying um that she was seeking forgiveness that was the thing that she wanted um so i think it's amazing that you've kind of got to the point of like that essentially what you're describing is just like you forgive the person you can view them as a human being and you respect certain decisions you don't like certain decisions and you can be like i kind of forgive a certain amount of

it yeah and all of these things can can exist at the same time like i can be annoyed with you one day i can feel sad about it one day i can see why you did things i can see why the things that you did weren't right etc etc they can all be true yeah and i think as well just time really time is great medicine i think yeah distance time is actually a bit mad isn't it like in the world is weird in the world is weird time is mad people are weird yeah my new really dumb mantras but for some reason makes so much sense so hard today yeah but it almost thinks a four year old would say the world is weird oh but four year olds are obviously the most enlightened of us all 100 but like i was actually talking to someone about time

because someone I know has just been through a breakup. And I was saying, like, they were like, I just need to, like, you know, get these answers, get this closure, all of this stuff. And it's like, no, you don't. You just need to have a week, two weeks. All you need to do right now is not contact them and let time pass. Do anything else. Even if you sit on your bed for those two weeks you just need to all you need to do right now is not contact them and let time pass

do anything else even if you sit on your bed for those two weeks you fucking um watch tv you go for a walk whatever you do in these two weeks whatever you do just let those weeks pass without messaging yeah and then you're going to be in a totally new headspace just let those pass i have really had that actually when something happened and i had nowhere to live i remember crying my eyes out trying to get ready one day like i was trying to like do my hair whatever keep the costume on of a normal functioning human being yeah the show must go on the show must go on curling my eyelashes crying um that is so ridiculous i know it's pathetic and i was literally thinking to myself i remember saying out loud i might have said this on the podcast before i remember saying out loud

in time like a day will come when i'll be able to talk about this situation and not cry it won't sting it won't cut so deep yeah but i don't know how i'm going to get to that point you don't and you don't need to you just have to trust in time well if i'd have told myself look baby's gonna take you like over 10 years yeah yeah and how it's like well yeah i'm definitely i'm not gonna make it but just trust in time it's the only thing it's a wise woman once said relinquish all control and trust the timing of life trust the timing of life yeah no you're so right but it's so true it's kind of you day one of a thing you will get yourself a trauma whatever the fuck has happened um in this weird

fucking weird weird world with people with weird weird world with random kooky crazy people fucking insane out here xd day one as if you have a map of like okay so on day 14 yeah by this point i'll be yeah if i do this and this and this all you have to do is let it fucking pass let it pass it's crazy because these revelations don't come on like um there was never a moment where you wake and go oh i think i forgive on day 212 i think i forgive it's the all of the stuff that's happening you wait at the supermarket and you thought of a new thought there's something else happened oh you saw someone else blah blah you're working stuff out throughout that time passing fast forward cut to 10 years later suddenly in a totally different space and you will ebb and flow in that as well you might have forgiveness monday

and be furious by friday such as the week of life well you might just how it goes at 2 p.m you're feeling fine at 2 15 you are feeling oh god yeah like i genuinely think it's gonna go it does it by the hour it's crazy every day yeah a minute by minute yeah i think just be there for yourself in that yeah which is so hard but i think that's the thing as long as you're on your side that's the bit that's really hard because i think it's so all of it's wrapped up with feeling unworthy feeling like you're not good enough kind of self-hatred all of these fucking bleak shit as long as you're on your side and you can be like I at the very crux of me deserve to not feel like shit and I know I'm a good person

and I want good things for myself then that's kind of all you really need because all the rest will come when you move from that mindset i think that's the dressing gown talking i'm in love with the dressing gown i'm in love with the dressing gown it's kind of giving fairy godmother vibes actually wow i quite like that yeah no i love that i think we've been through that before yeah yeah i definitely have i like it yeah yeah i love it where are we at we're at 56 minutes so we could get out of here yeah i think we might be done it's a good episode i think i've barely started packing out my i've barely started taking my stuff out the box i don't think any we've even had one customer arrive no i don't think we have we got the day wrong sort of thing

yeah we showed up on the wrong day in our pink car we opened the boot yeah yeah it's kind of um i haven't heard that name in years it's kind of like there hasn't been a car boot sale around here in years i know well why don't we i would be i'd be open to doing like a part two mental health part two sort of thing i could talk about this for the rest of my life i just i almost my intention with this is kind of just to open my guts up and be like if there's anything of use here in my guts i need you to take it yeah take it it's a free whatever you need and if as well like when i was thinking about surrounding myself with good people if you're feeling isolated you're not replying to your friends there is a sephian wing episode waiting for you wherever whenever you might be and you might need it oh always and we're always so i would say there always is someone like even when you're like oh my god there's no one that i

can reach out to you right now there always is literally someone there always is like even if it's professional it's an old fucking friend that you haven't spoken to in years it's someone someone someone someone someone you will find someone that you can speak to and like and you've always got yourself and that's the main fucking person as long as you're on your side it's all okay perfect cool well this is nice to be bad it's really nice i've had a really good time good good me too me too same time next week god can you hear that drilling's just started banging about god yeah good timing yeah all right cool well thank you guys genuinely and i hope you're okay i hope you

find you in a good spot this week yeah thank you so much call your doctor call. Call your doctor. Phone a friend. Go on e-console, whatever it's called. Yeah, I don't know why it's going on. Actually, it's such a good tool. And I know no one here wants to get on the phone. Don't start second guessing it now. I know what you lot are like. No, I'm not.

I'm not. Right, let's go. Cool. Right. If you don't hear from us. Love you guys. If you don't hear from us. Assume the worst.

Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet.