Goes Without Saying - lost, lonely, & nothing to wear: *cries in identity crisis*

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

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ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay?

So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. It goes without saying you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi. And I'm Wing. And this is a really fun episode i think actually we're talking about identity crises yeah otherwise known as an identity crisis lovely um so if you're looking for an episode where you want to feel safe and seen and all together it's a big group hug then enjoy stunning my leg gave up okay off the bat i'm gonna say sorry about the voice yeah go on it's giving gremlin girl but it's okay it's not that bad i honestly don't think i just don't want you to be in pain

like i don't think i'm very much in pain but it's fine i don't want you to come to this so we'll just do it quickly we'll do it nicely when we say that no not even quickly but just like enjoyable like it's gonna be nice it's gonna be fun but sorry to the listener to have to if you're not a fan of these gravel voices sorry that that's what i'm giving she's just dosed herself up with um a throat spray a lot of things some tablets i've also got a strep salt on the go so you might hear that sloshing around a little bit but i'm keeping it to a minimum i'm letting it do its work thank you thank you we did just have a quite a big chat so that that was quite a test for me we're talking about big brother married at first sight yeah the usuals i'm really into big brother i'm dying to watch it now what i

want to say what why i'm liking it is it's kind of giving me a real like nostalgic early 2000s throwback vibe like there's something about it that i feel like is really hitting that like y2k nostalgia element for me like staying up late to try and watch big brother and like my parents haven't noticed that i'm still awake yeah it's just so good that is i remember that so much that mine would be staying up for maiden chelsea and big brother actually and things like that but that feel and tally as well where it'd be like i know that if i stay up for this hour i will feel ill for the rest of the day at school tomorrow. But I have to watch it. And it's worth it.

But the conversation tomorrow at school will be about what I'm about to watch. So I do need to watch it. It's mandatory homework. Well, when I was younger, I would stay up till literally all hours of the night. I'd stay up till like 2am on MSN and then wake up and go to school.

That is hell on earth. I don't know how you're doing that. Neither. I just had too many people to talk to. Well, I'd have to get up early to fit in my moulin rouge watching yeah i forgot about that that's also the thing that you just said about big brother that really got me you said that it's not necessarily like influencers which is obviously what's all over the reality shows at the moment which is why i love married at first sight because it's not that so much i want normal people not scumbags with the

podcast i want good old normal men i want like teachers nurses firefighters i want sort of vocational people in a house what are we gonna do yeah you know what i was also kind of thinking this is just a brief thought yesterday when i watched six episodes of big brother um in my ill state i was thinking as a child i remember thinking i could six episodes of big brother um in my ill state i was thinking as a child i remember thinking i could never go on big brother it would be a nightmare blah blah and i do still think there's a huge part of me now that just couldn't cope with not being universally loved like even like being generally well received is not enough for me like i struggle with that idea of like i need

people to like me and i wouldn't be able to cope but watching it now i watch it and i think god that would be fucking fun or like i kind of feel myself responding back to them when i'm talking maybe when they're talking maybe i'm just going mental like really just in the flu vibe but i'm really getting into it and i'm like oh that would be so fun to go on big brother not that i'm going on big brother but i just almost it's an interesting development for me but i feel like isn't that one of the main appeals of reality tv like that's one of the things that i love the most is it's situations where you can really see yourself in because the people are kind of similar to you or like they're as random as you being in there yeah it almost they're not actors and stuff

it's kind of like i do put myself in the position of like oh i'm going in how would i act how would i cope with that person do i that would where be where i would fit within this group like i think i really put myself in it with reality tv like not i don't think i would want to go on any of them well but i do really put myself in the position of like oh how would i react in this situation i think the the crux with reality tv is like it's one thing to live it and experience it but i do think like the public reception of reality tv is it's all in the edit like there is so much power in that edit and i really think you just get such a warped perception of like 99 of the things that are

going on you do i think especially with big brother you do because it's a 24 hour they can pick up on anything situation and i think people are kind of naive to like you pull kind of grumpy faces all day and you're just not aware that you do that do you know what i mean so then put yourself in front of a camera like on national tv people are going to be annoyed at you for pulling your grumpy faces when they've been pulling grumpy faces all day but i think we're not aware of my face half an hour earlier and they put it in that scene exactly yeah or you pulled it then and you just didn't mean it like that and it just gets washed away as like one of those kind of misunderstandings where it's like oh i didn't

know you thought i was doing that do you know i mean you know those kind of misunderstandings it's like oh you read me wrong or like shit i didn't mean to say it like that and then i you know it gets lost i also think that it can be used as such a defense though because for example someone we spoke about um a few episodes ago brad from married at first sight yeah he has come out of that show he got kicked off a few episodes ago because of his like controlling behavior like very alarming behavior towards his um quote-unquote wife shona um and he's come out obviously as they all do and said oh the edit was has like manipulated me like the edit showed it wrong blah blah it's like no you did say all of those things like yeah you can edit the timing

of things wrong but they're not like artificially putting words in your mouth or like forming like you know weird facial expressions from you you actually did those things you said those things to this woman and i do think the edit is something that people often blame things on when they're they come off badly oh it was edited wrong it's like no no you did say all of those things yeah but i do also think it's really it is often i completely agree in the case of brad by the way yeah but i think in that case it's really it is often i completely agree in the case of brad by the way but i think in that case it's really important to acknowledge the fact that the producers have seen something play out they've seen a response from women's aid they've pulled someone out of the show so it's beyond just like the entertainment narrative that they're trying to follow it's like

a real world situation where it's i'm sure they've edited moments because they thought oh god that was really dramatic that was crazy let's definitely put that and that's why lots of scenes don't make sense often that it's like wait that why did that person storm out when yeah like why are we talking yeah anyway it's a whole fucking thing i'm honestly obsessed a big brother especially is such a study like it's i also think it started as this kind of psychological experiment and then it got lost into well it kind of paved the way for all the all the love islands and shit that we see now so i think it'd be interesting if they are kind of stepping back to their roots i it feels but i'm not up to date so we'll see we'll see how it goes god i can't wait okay

should we just so we should say that this episode is the first that you will get in over a week of episodes this actually isn't one of our series but next the next episode you will be getting is tomorrow tomorrow congratulations because welcome to not quite yet but tomorrow will be the beginning of the spodtober aka the spooktacular bonanza extravaganza aka spooky week aka all the things we're gonna call it spooky gonzalez times it's a halloween week pod toba is i think what we decided to call it so it's gonna be from the 24th until the 31st happy halloween happy halloween guys trick or treat oh yeah okay all right see you there let us know like if you're on spotify put in the um little responses maybe let us know like specific spooky things you want us to talk

about oh my god that would be amazing because i actually have no idea what we're going to talk about yet any spooky stories that we should react to that sort of thing that would be so fun do you know i mean like kind of tell us something spooky that like your grandma said that when she was walking down the stairs there was a crazy light flashing and i mean we can just we i know we've got these stories the law i can't wait but i want to family law what's your history what's your spiritual history we should do that we should do one episode that's like your spooky stories because i love that that feeling of like spooky night sleepover feeling wet you know when everyone starts telling their like spooky things and everyone's almost like talking over each other because they want to get their spooky story i love

that feeling so much shivers and like my eyes always water it just shivers down my whole spine right well should we get into this then yeah not spooky yeah it is kind of um scary existential crisis though identity crisis is the combo for today we asked on the story on instagram which is the best place to follow us if you want to get your conversations onto the podcast we actually always feed off the dms and just like messages from you on instagram on what we're going to talk about next on the podcast like it largely informs where we're going and like where we're at with these episodes so thanks so much for joining us there sephian wing we asked on the story for you to be anonymously featured in this upcoming episode what gives you

an identity crisis and at the top we put aesthetics personal brands and having nothing to wear dot dot dot what gives you an identity crisis and there are a lot of good responses i just feel like that feeling of sometimes i want to like rip my skin off or no i know the feeling it's a bit spooktome spooky spooky week spooky season sometimes yeah sometimes i want to shed my skin or like i'm just in a pile of clothes and nothing's right and everything's a drama and it's very first world problems but i think that's just the fun of it the identity crisis of growing up is so real i would love to know actually what gives you an identity crisis

and then we can get into their responses after i think so many things do i think i'm also gonna i've just read a few of the responses which i completely agree with like a lot of them were like i um when someone describes me in a way that i wouldn't describe myself and i think that is something that icks me out to my core if someone kind of says oh you're just someone that you just love that and it's like no no no you've read me wrong like it's not right or just like oh you're just someone who blah blah blah like you're just shy or something like that it's like wait what i think that is a huge element of that sorry that is like i think it sometimes feels a bit um icky or like we're not kind of encouraged to

share the fact that when people get the wrong end of the stick on us there is this kind of idea that you have to fight against of like why do you care what people think of you blah blah blah and i just kind of want to take a moment to be like oh you care because you're human and like it's okay that it matters to you what other people think of you and like it's really human and normal for someone to say something that you feel like doesn't align with who you are and for that to be jarring to you i feel like there's a bit of a kind of rhetoric around like oh just immediately disregard it don't why would you listen to that why would you because that relies on the idea that we all kind of have a formed idea of who we are but i feel like most of the time we're all just trying to work out who we are and what our beliefs are

and kind of what traits and values we have so when someone comes in and says something that like so for example if someone said to you um you are just i don't know what's something that you don't really i wouldn't want to be called like mean or like judgmental but that's something i feel like you've got that's a general insult you truly believe that you're kind sort of thing but something that's like almost like assuming but if someone said oh you are just oh you just love um psychology you just love psychology so much you love psychology but let's take you out of it then maybe because i'm someone else but almost like if someone says you just love this one thing geography and it's almost like oh i don't particularly have any views on

psychology for example psychology is something that is like vaguely interesting to most people but like i don't know it's not speciality sort of thing and so and then it's almost like but i don't have any particular points on myself again for or against that but you've come in with something saying you don't like this or you do like this and it's almost like i'm still formulating who i think i am around that what as the person who's being told that they like psychology sorry i'm doing my classic thing where i get lost in my no no i think it's me because my brain isn't here i lost my microphone earlier by the way and then i lost my phone and they were like right where i left them i'm just not my mind is still so watching um big brother oh no honestly i'll come down to the gutter with you let's just get right comfortable in the gutter shall we for a second

i am i am yeah i think what i'm trying to say with that is that i think if someone tells you something that is like anti something that you believe in like for example yeah if someone's supposed to tell you you're mean you would be like no i disagree because i think i'm this i've got the evidence in my mind that i can back that up as but if someone tells you something that is almost quite like why i picked psychology is almost like it's quite like it is just an interesting thing but maybe let's take that out of it we're hearing a lot about your relationship to psychology here no i don't mean me i don't mean me it's like i'm not more do it i don't know what i'm doing just something general just like that's

why i picked it because i thought it was general well that's why i thought geography was quite a good one geography is general yeah oh look let's move on i don't know what i'm saying anymore well kind of if someone projects an idea onto you and it's neither here nor there but you're like well i'm still figuring myself out so what does that say about me is that is that what you're saying you're still figuring it out i just think my point is that most people i feel like it's hard to have kind of solid views on yourself on every single persona almost it's like you can go through all the human traits on so honesty what's your opinion on honesty it's like oh i don't know sometimes i am sometimes i'm not loyalty what's your opinion on loyalty um yeah it's great i don't know i have hope so like all of these things it's like we don't necessarily

have formed opinions on like which side we of the fence we sit on with these things ambition i don't know where the fuck i sit with ambition like if someone says oh you're just so ambitious it's like oh i don't really know if i particularly am because i haven't really i haven't got the time of the day to sit down and think about how i feel about all of these things i just have things that i've collected along this along my life of like evidence for and against how i fit with these traits that if someone says to me oh you are this thing it's very easy just to follow it almost yeah and just be like yeah okay i guess and it kind of becomes prescriptive kind of as well the idea that like being or having especially labels kind of attributed to you is not very fluid and i feel like for a lot of us our nature is we're kind of

most comfortable when we're feeling quite fluid and like free to explore things without pressure so you can have a general interest in psychology without being oh she's the psychology one and i feel like when there's that really definitive label or like sometimes an ownership or like a degree of pressure that comes with a certain interest or skill or something that you enjoy in life as a normal human being as you should when that begins to slip into the realm more of like a real definitive label in your identity it's not just something you enjoy but it's like something you have to live up to it's something you have to prove and i feel like that having that energy of something you have to prove really fights against

just for me personally i'm not comfortable living that way i find it difficult because i feel like i'm the kind of person that puts myself under that pressure of waking up and feeling like i have to prove i have to prove and it's like okay god you don't have to prove let's let that go um and so i think having those labels allows you often to like lean into like the extra pressure or feeling like you're not living up to something i think identity is actually quite a scary thing really isn't it i agree with you that the proving thing is horrific do you remember i used to have on my journal i used i wrote i what was it i come to each day with nothing nothing to prove like that that's because i said that to you on the phone do you remember yeah no i do remember but um sorry i've thrown you no you haven't i don't

know what i was gonna say you used to have it in your journal come to each day with nothing to prove i was saying blah blah blah and you were saying oh yeah i really agree with you i used to have my journal i come to each show with nothing to prove the proving thing is really horrible um let's just sit with that for a second i think you'll find it proving thing is really horrible it's like maybe that was the point maybe but you're probably going to flourish it up a little bit flourishing blocks i have also gone in for a second strep seal by the way i'm so sorry about that but i just i can't help it yeah no strap set i might just do some throat spray while you're um yeah yeah thinking

i don't really know what i'm thinking about though sorry that's completely my fault because i threw you off no you didn't i did don't deny identity feeling like you have something to prove being the psychology one let me just i'm just gonna start sort of something again okay but i don't know where it's going yeah i just think identity is quite a dangerous thing really because i think you used the word fluid a few minutes ago which i think is um the crux of identity that what you are today has pretty much no relationship to who you're going to be in a few years or whatever like it is really it does change like an absolute um it can change with the wind

like midnight i think that is one of the most important things to like my mum always says this phrase i'm sure i've said it on the podcast before but she always says like hold it lightly hold it lightly like almost like um if you've got a new opportunity hold it lightly if you're in a new relationship hold it lightly if you've got a new um kind of anything hold it lightly because it's like these things do tend to change and shift and if in my experience here nothing changes as quickly as the way that we view ourselves so i and it but also is it kind of incredibly fixed at the same time i think it's really important to oh i don't know i do think it's really important to hold things lightly actually because a great if you do have a fixed image of yourself it only creates room to be

jarred by other people really and to be let down by yourself yeah if you have this kind of fixed idea there will surely inevitably be moments where you can't live up to that we asked on the story what gives you an identity crisis and i just almost feel like we're quite hitting what this person said they said my different personalities lol i want to be multiple kinds of people and i think that's kind of what we're saying is like allowing the room to just be one thing one day and something else the next and one thing in one breath and something else the next and it doesn't i think when you're doing that um kind of subconsciously it that's the most natural way for a lot of us is to almost just live in one phase and slowly drift out of it and be like oh

my god i haven't played badminton in a while oh i'm doing this now do you know i mean like oh i'm really in my big brother phase it's like well two days ago i didn't even know i was gonna watch it like yeah we don't it doesn't have to be this deep thing it's really not deep when it's coming naturally but when the crisis kicks in oh it becomes deep very then it becomes deep because i think you start kind of um holding yourself under this kind of light of examination and like really trying to inspect like who am i where am i going what am i doing who am i hanging out with what am i eating what do i wear like who the fuck is this person that i've created i feel like that can be triggered

by lots of different things in life so things like the season's changing or a relationship ending we're saying that with clothes yeah or new relationship starting or new job new work new school etc newness something that triggers like the idea of change shakes you out of your old routine can be quite difficult to deal with yeah i also think it's like a social issue of like our over awareness of how we present to other people as well and like the idea of we have to curate ourselves not even necessarily on social media but i do think social media is a huge fucking massive element of it yeah that we have this huge awareness of like how we present in comparison to other people and basically just like just quite a narcissistic

culture really that it's almost like how we dress really as we know is of very kind of little importance towards like your value as a human being it might be like an amazing form of self-expression it might be something that helps you feel good and helps you kind of um show your mood to the world show your intention to the world whatever but it really doesn't really have that much of like an impact on your worth on like i don't know how worthy you are as a human being on this planet yeah but i feel like we have massively got it twisted and we've all got this like massive sense of um just like an over awareness of like how we present and how our identity basically we overestimate how much everyone else is thinking about us because we're all just thinking about ourselves

100 so i think identity is like way out of proportion in our heads anyway agreed and i think as well it kind of feeds into that like broader narrative of like feeling like you have to choose. And I think what is most what works best for me is feeling like I don't have to choose. I don't have to choose. This is my color. This is my thing. This is my attitude. This is what I say. Blah, blah, blah. Like this is who I am and you have to choose one thing and stick to it. Like even like this is my favorite Taylorlor swift album what era are you like is that you don't actually have to choose you really don't have to choose much in life it also kind of goes beyond even just the

choices because i even feel it even just now it's like just to to speak candidly for a second, I feel personally like I'm not doing my best performance in this episode. I'm thinking you're coming off, you're saying weird things. It's because I threw you. No, it's not. It's not you 100%. I'm just almost like, right, okay, this isn't my best performance, which is absolutely fine. It's 100% okay to have even conversations in your life where it's like, that wasn't my best articulation of myself i didn't really show my true thoughts i'm not really summing up my beliefs on identity right now totally but i think it's one of the weird things that we do as humans that every almost the last interaction we have or the last thing we saw the last outfit we wore or the last thing

you're only as good as your last thing that's almost the summation of who you are like that's almost oh so this episode would not be my best in my mind anyway i don't know how you're feeling about me i'm liking it no you're feeling neutral whatever i'm not particularly liking what i'm saying in this but to my in my mind then that seems to negate the however 200 episodes i've done where i do think i'm coming off smart and I'm being articulate and I'm saying what I believe and I'm liking myself in it. Yeah. And that is one of the tricks that this society has kind of given and kind of just human nature that we're only as good as the last thing we did. The last thing.

Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature.

I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson.

And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer, and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com i can't believe you just brought that up i was literally thinking i want to say so i heard someone say recently because there's an element to it that's like okay strive for better like definitely like put in your put your best foot into step into the next episode with your best foot whatever blah blah yeah literally i haven't got a brain i'm

not even gonna apologize at this point no think of the 200 others or literally probably 400 others which i would rank them like three out of five no i would say we've done we've done a no i feel really positive amazing work totally it's a lucky dip it is a do you know what if it's anything oh my god do you know what spooky week is gonna be or the spooktacular bonanza extravaganza trick or treat it's kind of um wait what did you say a lucky dip lucky dip it's an unlucky dip that's what we used to do outside my house for halloween we used to have a thing called an unlucky dip and you'd get things like it was this big papiomache like bowl we made that looked like a pumpkin and you would it was like an unlucky dip so you could get like chocolate bars out of it

or you could get it was like an empty roll of um sellotape or just like a bent spoon like rubbish shit that was really fun a really used up like um unsharpened like dark like darden pencil that very good great good gags yeah great gags really good it was a hit that is really landing with me um well how are you feeling actually can we talk maybe a bit can we focus in on the like aesthetic quite aesthetic yeah yeah fashion choices that sort of vibe because well i can show you something that's next to me that i did show you earlier but i didn't quite talk about it to you but i'm sure i'll show you this now have you seen this yeah i've made a little habit tracker just for the last few days of october october because i was like right okay what do i really want to like

hone in on at the end of October? And the things that are on there, I've been ticking them off. I've done three days so far. And it's full chart so far. It's like meditate, yoga. Once there's media and art, I want to consume one new piece of media or art. Like not watch the same things every day. Like one new thing every day.

Gratitude is one. Just write a list of eight things I've got to do and clothes is one and so far i've got three ticks on it haven't managed to have two days because i've worn something up just basic culture but what was the last one clothes what does that mean clothes clothes is like i what i want to do for these last few days of october and basically create this new habit is I want to wear an outfit that I feel aligned with every single day and it doesn't have to be like for example yesterday I was like oh my god does that fit with like did I um accomplish that goal because I wore like I was going on a walk with my family and I wore like sort of clothes that we would walk in not I wasn't like getting up

getting all dressed up but it's like no because that felt aligned with what I would wear to that activity sort of thing because I feel like so often just because as we know I have had my struggles with body image blah blah blah getting dressed is a really tricky thing and it's something that every single morning I look at my wardrobe so overwhelmed and feeling horrific and I often just don't even manage it yeah I want to make an effort to wear clothes that don't make me look skinny that don't make me um feel like I'm trying to like hide myself and be someone I'm not I want to wear the clothes that I like that are comfortable and cool and that look like that look cool together that align with my style not necessarily being driven by bullshit from my mind so I think that's what that goal

is that I want to wear things that feel aligned with my identity as like someone that isn't limited by um bullshit around like bodies and one of the things my therapist had me do which was really cool was throw out all the clothes in my wardrobe that don't fit me which there actually wasn't that many but it was just like a few dresses and stuff that was like adding to my feeling of being overwhelmed when I looked at my wardrobe and it has freed me up a bit that it's like okay so I know that everything here does actually fit me um and it's yeah i think it's actually really important to me to try and like re realign with my sense of style because when i was younger i wanted to be a fashion

designer like i was i studied textiles like i was really into like fashion and style and body image shit has a hundred percent taken that from me like it has just limited me so much so I'm really trying to get back in touch and I have been for a year or so now but it's obviously so hard really trying to get back in touch with like what I like as my style and rediscovering that without my set of rules of like it has to be like this and it has to have these kind of sleeves and it has to have this kind of waistline is so um difficult but also freeing yeah and kind of like being intentional rather than just being like okay i feel like that was safe yesterday so i'll just chuck it on today so safe is literally not coming into it at the moment which is so nice like yeah it's not um just almost like actually having

to strip back and be like what do i like is something i haven't done in 10 years really be like what do i like not what does this sick voice in my head say that i have to wear like what do i actually like from this um selection of clothes that i've kind of um yeah curated over the years yeah it's actually really nice it kind of reminds me of um i think we were yeah we must have been in third year and we went into a shop and there were these earrings and they were like all different colored hoops and i always remember right yeah i always remember this conversation because you were like i can't well they were expensive but you're like i can't get them because they were like 20 they were from oliver bonus which is like quite an expensive

28 quid or something they were i don't know if they're 28 they were they're in the 20s of like i would say 24 which seems a lot less i think it might be 28 no they wouldn't i don't think are you sure i've never worn them as well because i actually don't really like them the problem is i'm quite an enabler like i do kind of push the people to buy things but anyway we were in this shop at the time you really liked them you were like i can't get them though first of all they were expensive but second of all they don't really what am i gonna wear them with they don't go with yeah what is that can i describe them they're just to put the context they're kind of gold hoops but they have like sequins kind of down the bottom of the hoop have you got them can i see them actually yeah yeah refresh my memory on them i saw them

the other day because i was clearing out all my earrings one sec this is fun let me root through honestly my earring pot it's absolute chaos like i almost it's just like a weird oh my goodness yeah look at this there's a bit of asmr for you guys yeah earrings because i've got loads of earrings that are like mugs on them and like weird butterflies and weird the cow ones that you cows and a million million rusty hoops these are them fun yeah i remember them yeah they're for a festival like almost you'd wear them to pride they're like they're a cool you did wear them to pride actually did i okay at least i've worn them once then yeah they're cool but they're just i don't i literally do you know what i stand with what i said to you back in that shop i don't know what i would wear these with

which is interesting because i do feel like you could wear them with you could literally wear them right now with your top no i don't like that as a combo i don't i actually just don't think i like them anymore like them well anyway at the time you really liked them you were like blah blah blah what am i gonna wear them with they don't go with anything that i have love them love them oh my god they're my dream earrings this is our bags i remember explicitly i remember this yeah they're my dream earrings what am i gonna do oh my god they're my dream earrings this is our bags i remember explicitly i remember this they're my dream earrings what am i gonna do oh my god i can't get them it's like i remember being like well if they're your dream earrings then you should get them i guess it was bad advice

now looking back you haven't worn them but you should it was great advice and i think about it it holds up yeah yeah if your dream earrings don't go with anything that you currently own and you're constantly complaining that all of the things that you currently own you don't really like then you should probably get the dream earrings and bit by bit start to collect and like curate things that you do actually like rather than constantly not getting the things you do like because you're tied to all the things you already have which you know you don't like so it's like if you constantly don't refresh and it's not to say go out and buy loads of things absolutely not but like kind of what you were saying of just having intention with what you're wearing and etc etc

being aligned with what you do have but it's like if you're making choices to buy something that you don't necessarily love but like it goes all the other shit that i've got whatever i just needed something i just need that whatever i'll just get it blah blah blah rather than buying something that you know you absolutely love and you're gonna wear hopefully loads and loads and loads for the next few years maybe not in the earrings but maybe not the earrings but you know the earrings but the sentiment still stands i think that i feel like is a much more um like fulfilling way of looking at expressing yourself through your clothes i also think it's changing the way that you shop like i feel like what i always did just almost i think it's also growing up with kind of limited money clothes aren't

something that it's like oh i have an abundance of growing i had an abundance also growing up with kind of limited money clothes aren't something that it's like oh I have an abundance of growing had an abundance of growing up so it was almost like right you've got to be make smart decisions yeah and rather than buying like pieces that I liked it would be going to kind of the cheapest shop going to Primark and buying as much as possible because you know that you're going to need kind of t-shirts and just like it's summer you're going to need a skirt rather than like what do I actually like here like you can buy one thing that you like or you can have a few things that you don't like but I think now growing up and like having a decent amount of money to like make decisions about

style with and things like that it's almost like I really have been thinking about the way that I shop my impulse is just from growing up in I hate to say fast fashion world the impulse is like okay so I'm going to a party um I'll go on ASOS and I'll find something that I kind of like on there that you know is just like quite a standard piece or whatever like that i like but actually the way that i do enjoy shopping i do fucking love going around loads of charity shops and going around and hunting and i've always loved doing that like from going back to times when doing that with my grandma and things like that i'd love shopping like that but it's such a privilege to have the amount of time yeah to go and dedicate a day towards like you probably aren't going to find anything. Sizing is obviously a whole thing in charity shops as well.

It's just a whole different experience. I think it's such an amazing thing to when you are thinking about like, what do I really want to wear? To think about like, how do I actually want to shop? And do I want to have a load of pieces from I've got nothing against ASOS like it's an amazing I love a website but do I want to have a load of pieces from ASOS um or like the fucking PLTs of the world or do I want to have a day where I go around and do that like it it just depends on like what first of all it depends on what your personal style is but also like a huge thing in rebuilding a wardrobe that i feel positive towards when i look at has been like enjoying the process of

shopping and not necessarily just getting it delivered to my door and being completely detached from the experience the entire process of it really and actually feeling connected to um the experience of like buying clothes yeah yeah agreed stunning um should we look for another one let me know there's a lot going on there is i had something but i can't remember what it is now should we wait nah it's long gone it's long gone this one's interesting okay oh no go on you're about to do one well i was just gonna say a funny one but i don't have anything to say about it i just think it's funny um that we said what gives you an identity crisis and this person said stalking people on linkedin i saw that i was like guys you know they can see you if you click on their

profile on linkedin they can see it's guilty but then they said feeling like i need to change degrees just want to say like you've made me laugh and we're sending you lots of love and i hope your degree's going okay be careful out there yeah linkedin is an anxious profile on linkedin guys they can see it linkedin but also i don't have linkedin i don't know how it works it might change by now but this is what i hear from the the gal the working girlies that you can see this stuff oh yeah because once this guy that i used to date someone he added one of my friends on linkedin and i was like go and look go and look and they were like we're not crazy they're like do you want me to look because he'll know and i was like look go and look is that how you found out that they know found out that they know that

they can see you um that might have been one of the contributing factors because i was like oh my god click click click and then they were like slow it down right now um i have one that could be an interesting combo go totally i'm sure it is because i yeah no i mean it's a great point i just think this is a huge element of identity and i've had many a conversation with many friend about how they feel that they're not living up to um like the societal standard of this and they said that the thing that gives them identity crisis is crisis crisis jesus is not having one specific hobby or pastime okay i think hobbies is a very underrated and fascinating topic go on agree go on i think there's a kind of under the surface pressure for women in particular to have hobbies i don't think men are having the same pressure i don't think because i almost think i guess sports probably comes into a bit more

naturally definitely like boys when they grow up, they're either handed kind of a football or a guitar. Or like a cricket thing if they're posh. Yeah, they're handed some sports thing or a musical instrument and their social life will go from there. Like if you look at a group of boys in a park, they're kicking a ball around. They're not sitting there chin wagging like us.

They're not chatterboxes. They're kicking, they're discussing, they're kicking a ball chin wagging like us they're not chatterboxes yeah they're kicking they're discussing they're kicking a ball and i'm so jealous i would love to be doing that kicking a ball around with the girls but i think there is definitely a pressure for girls because they're not necessarily given sports in the same way girls almost have this thing where it's like or i'm massively generalizing a lot of the women that i've spoken to get to this sort of age and it's like oh shit my um life has kind of consisted of like seeing friends um studying and then like maybe if you're lucky you learn an instrument or you did plays or something at school but i think a lot of it is like look when in my free time I go

and see my friends I don't necessarily go and do a hobby so I've had a few conversations with people recently where they've been all like over the last few years specifically after leaving university and like studying not being a thing almost it's like what do I enjoy what do I do for fun and I do think there is a pressure to have a kind of thing that you don't monetize, but you just enjoy, i.e. crocheting, knitting. A sport is amazing to have like all of just all of this stuff. I think there's a huge pressure to it because a lot of people seem to be like, I'm going to start pottery. I'm going to start dance lessons. And it's an amazing thing to have.

I also think that strip the pressure out of it. Totally. I think that's the crux of everything in life is like there's so much pressure being held at us 24 fucking seven the last thing you want to feel in your dance class or your pottery class is am i now a dancer am i a dancer i'm not good at pottery what can i do like i think it's really hard sometimes to keep the perspective of like really I think we do want to enjoy our lives and like we're made to feel like our lives really aren't here to be enjoyed no exactly because also how ridiculous is that because a hobby in its essence is like a fun

additional thing you do that possibly doesn't impact your identity like the whole thing is that it's supposed to be like an kind of extracurricular thing that you do yeah but there's this pressure that it's like if you start doing um anything taekwondo god i'm so jealous of you yeah um if you start doing taekwondo it's like now you're somebody who does taekwondo it's like maybe you just don't need to add that layer to it maybe it's like we can try some things if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out it doesn't need to be oh i'm someone let me describe myself i do i'm a um i don't know i i do taekwondo in my spare time and then i also love making my own earrings it's like you don't need to have a sentence that describes this yeah no i think as well it's from a really early age we're told that we need these kind of

extracurricular things to like add to our social capital and it's like you need to convince the straight white men that you're not just good in these kind of grades you're also a great dancer you're also a great taekwondo candidate master master doesn't it go back to like or it seems to go back to times of like i don't know i've i've read a few jane austen books i know that it enhances a woman's social capital to be great at sewing and embroidery and they're a great conversationalist and all of this stuff like they also a great um horse rider they can play croquet like these they speak a little bit of french but it all makes you a desirable candidate for the kind of validation of normally the white man yeah who's gonna like

let you into uni or marry you like that's the thing to avoid that when when you're trying to build an identity around things that you love having to then describe them to someone potentially on a date or something like that like or doing things for the reason of being able to tell someone that you've started taekwondo doesn't seem like a great reason to start it no just it just adds that huge layer of like just the over obsession with identity back to what i was saying in the beginning and also kind of i think i think the biggest thing is like knowing that you can let yourself love things you can let yourself enjoy things you can be a full and complete human being without having anything to prove and i feel like having that idea of like i need to prove that i'm good

enough every fucking day is so exhausting and it's not necessary and you're gonna feel it often but the moments where you can find a little like five second little highlight where you give yourself a break and remind yourself that you're all right and you're just at taekwondo to like i don't know have a good time or chill out is it relaxing or is it like aggressive i don't actually know but you're there to just enjoy yourself and be a human being yeah yeah rather than um to prove anything like you're not here in competition with your peers you're just on a fucking floating rock living a life trying your best and deserving of that and also you're not there to i almost feel like people there's an element of like i'm at the dance class and then later you're almost whilst you're at the dance class

you're kind of rehearsing the conversation while you'll tell someone you're at your dance class and like i'm doing um i'm going to my pottery thing but i'm also taking a photo for my story of the pottery thing it's like you these things should be fun for you not fun not as a medium not as like a medium to enhance the way that the world thinks about it yeah it's not black mirror it's not black mirror we've got it we've got it really twisted guys it's not black mirror we went to thought park recently we went in the black mirror maze we did maybe we should um yeah no you can talk about it in spooky week that's what i was gonna say yeah okay i'm starting to starting to

recline a little bit here so i think it might be time yeah um i think that's better than you think it is do you because i think that was bad it's because i threw you and you keep denying that i threw you but i did i threw you off i know i think i'm just throwable at the moment you weren't at the beginning until i threw you it's because i'm throwable i'm just a throwable little girl it's okay to be throwable no exactly i'm not my brain it's just not it's not part of my identity guys it's not i'm like today i'm throwable tomorrow i might not be anything we want to say apart from just like hey how are you sending loads of love like isn't this fun? I would like to just say thank you so much for listening.

Honestly, thank you so much. It's actually insane, as we always say. I hope you enjoy the spooktacular bonanza extravaganza. Me too. We haven't recorded a single word of it yet, so I literally don't know what the spooktacular bonanza extravaganza will be. You know what we also said about doing is a live recording session where we dress up as fairy pod mothers and do a bit of a give

you advice situation we have to do that maybe we'll do that like for the last kind of episode or something well we've got a few things that are our last thing now because we've recorded we've got a lot of should we say the thing that we've recorded no um well let's see what we've got let's see what we've got oh no go on yeah you can say it no let's okay we basically we've recorded no um well let's see what we've got let's see what we've got oh no go on yeah you can say it no let's okay we basically we've recorded this thing we won't tell you what it is yeah we with somebody else you don't know them they're not like a social media star you know who i was actually thinking we could have as a guest not even huh no no of course not god i was gonna say no no not that we are gonna have a guest but

i just kind of thought maybe this is big-headed but i thought like she would definitely come on who the hell is this is shona from married at first sight oh my god i thought she might like us she wouldn't she wouldn't no she's already i saw her on another podcast and i thought we've got three million downloads if we flex that hard enough she would come and we would be so loving not that we necessarily are taking guests but we won't have any guests unless you're shown i would have a few from married at first i wouldn't mind having a little combo with ella i'd love ella and well there's some stuff about ella though in the newest episode that i wasn't i wasn't loving how she's acting to be honest but true but there's more to ella than that one episode oh as we say you're not you're only not as good as your last episode of married at first sight

if we're only as good as our last episode then we are you're only as good as your last commitment ceremony that's iconic all right look i'm sorry i need i'm actually in excruciating pain well let's get out of here i'm so sorry no no never never never it's a luxury are we recording a pod not give my throat another 12 hours also that's the last thing i want to do i'm really excited let's do a bit of a like thing as well oh my god i'm really excited for podtober i'm really excited for our fairy pod mother event why do we we're so weird i don't know also it's like that we've decided to call a spooky week that we're doing the spooktacular bonanza extravaganza fresh out of sephian wings emporium of and then we'll dress up as fairy exactly but it's also like there's nothing stopping you from dressing up tomorrow. It's

like, why do we suddenly, it's like, we get an idea in our heads and that makes us go nuts. Do you know what I mean? It's a bit weird. Anyway, sorry for the end of this one. That was a bit strange. Yeah. Well, if you don't hear from us. If you don't hear from us, assume the worst. Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th.

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