Goes Without Saying - ‘new year, new me’ trope: your flop era is over

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

it’s never too late to make it out of the pits and start girlbossing. in this episode of Goes Without Saying, sephy & wing share their top life lessons from the year and reflect on all the mistakes they won’t be making twice. see you thriving in 2022!<3join the conversation every monday.speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram!you’re invited to our discord group chat: https://discord.gg/DwxFc6CVkz Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay?

So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com It goes without saying that you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi, and this is Wing, here. I'm Wing. This episode, we talk about, it's kind of the roundup of the year. We talk about everything we learned during 2021 and moving into, god, terrifying 2022. Oh, I'm gonna be sick. And you guys all wrote in stuff that you learned throughout the year. We asked you what the biggest lesson you learned was and you've all come through with

the most stunning stuff and we go into it in this episode so fingers crossed next year's not as bad and enjoy for some reason it feels like ages ago since we last recorded but it's actually probably shorter than we normally do i think it feels like a minute has passed just because i was editing at the weekend as well so it feels like i haven't even put the basically yesterday sexual assault discussion to bed yeah and i'm now coming in with how was everybody's year if it was great i feel like it's been ages really but i feel like i haven't even slept we don't normally record this early yeah no we don't it's a tuesday today for everybody's it's a tuesday yeah usually our usual schedule is wednesday mornings should we get straight in with book club chat definitely yeah it's making me sick to my stomach actually i'm feeling really unhappy are you nervous feeling really like yeah i just don't

want to i just want it to be perfect for dudley special day i don't want people yeah i just don't want it to yeah perfect for dudley specials day and we were just talking about it and i think it's just come around into our minds like oh it's the date has come now like the book club everyone's saying when's the first book when's the first book it's like okay no we've got to make sure it's all actually good we've decided on the first book which is really fun and i think we've decided on the third book yeah second one's all to play for so if any of you have any books that you've written yeah that would be great are we announcing that it is on the 28th of december it will be live yeah on patreon so i think the day after you're listening to this if you're listening to this on the day it comes out so tuesday the 28th

of december uh-huh go to the patreon there'll be a link on our instagram well you can find everything on our instagram yeah everything's there it'll all be there everything will be handled don't you even worry and then we can start with some amazing book stuff i'm actually so fucking excited yes hey why are you nervous i just i'm really like i just isn't it's another thing i already feel i already am in my head every day about like is this podcast doing what it needs to do for people no impossible it can't do what it needs to do for people? No, impossible. It can't do what it needs to do for everyone. I get that. But then I also think the Patreon and with the book club,

it's just another thing for like, people may or may not get what they want from it. And it's, oh, it's just a lot. I disagree. I disagree. I think the podcast is doing what it is. It is what it is. And people can take what they want from it.

Yeah. So I think that's all we can do. All we can can do is have an honest good discussion that we would want to listen to and hopefully people respond which they have thank the fucking lords above i couldn't do this into the void for one episode longer oh my god and i think the patreon and the patreon book club i'm so excited for it yeah same i'm so excited to talk about books with everyone same i really can't wait it will be really nice just the idea of hearing everyone's thoughts on a book and we're all reading together like hearing everyone's voices i know i'm excited to see everyone's faces maybe i don't know it's gonna be nice

i'm excited to go face to face zoom with everyone hope so yeah okay and we all say that's why we we need you to join on the 28th because we need to gauge how many people are coming yeah because i'm we're trying to figure out like are we doing one zoom is everyone going to be in one zoom should we do multiple zooms so that everyone who knows what's going to happen i really don't know how the zoom situation is going to work if there are more people than we think but also at the moment we think about five people are coming. So yeah, I think we'll be fine or fitting us all into a Zoom. It'll be fine. Okay.

Cool. Right. End of year, hey? End of year. End of 2021. End of 2021. How?

I don't know. I don't know how. What a whirlwind. I know. What a rush. Also, this episode is going out on Sefi's birthday. So happy birthday,

Sefi. Oh yeah. So today, the day that you're listening to this, I will be in tears. what a rush oh also this episode is going out on sephie's birthday so happy birthday sephie oh yeah so today the day that you're listening to this i will be in tears so happy birthday to me another bad day i hope not no i hope it's i just hate my birthday every year like that it is the worst day of the year the 27th of december um capricorn queen a lot of people have their birthdays on that day actually happy birthday if it's also happy birthday if you're listening to this in on june 22nd and it's your birthday today happy birthday and then you have the best birthday because i've always wanted a june birthday so i'm very jealous but the 27th of december is a bad birthday because

no one gives a fuck including me yes you do yes you do i don't i don't you do well i want to i think i've got like some kind of weird expectation for birthdays i don't really know what's hard not to in this society i cry every birthday another covid birthday as well for the books it's just it's a lot isn't it i know it's really fucked up i was saying to my mom i think i'm going to be sad on my birthday every year in because i've always had this vision of being like driven to like an animal shelter and being like right you can pick one wow being like we're taking the cat home all right next year then so i have this weird thing i think i'm going to be sad until the day that happens okay well now we all know what we're doing for Seffi's birthday next year thanks for giving us. Driving her blindfolded. Thanks for telling us a

bit too soon yeah. To an animal sanctuary and being like pick one of the injured dogs and I get to be like oh my god bring him home with me. Oh my god. Okay what's your biggest lesson this year do you think you've learned? I wrote some things in my notes because I knew. Just off the top of your head. Just in my voice. It's not just with my voice because I knew you'd ask me this. So I wrote some little things in my notes. You came prepared. Some prompts. Some honestly prompts. It's like one of them is perception is everything. You choose. Which is my biggest lesson. I mean takes my breath breath away you get to choose how you do this yeah so true you choose you choose youtube follow our youtube channel um the biggest lesson i think i've i've taken from this year is that you actually get to decide how your life is and not in the way that

like you get to decide you get to make what you want of your life if you want to go and get that job go get that job if you want to go on holiday make that holiday happen that is true but not in that kind of manifestation way but just more in a way like your day can look the exact same and you genuinely get to decide how you want to view that kind of midnight library have you read midnight library i haven't read midnight library yet no you should read it i think you'll like it book two maybe maybe booked it well yeah it's a stunning book but the gist is the gist is that you try on all these different lives basically it's kind of a butterfly effect vibe in the sense that yeah like you're handed certain things there's a lot of things working for you a ton of things working against you goes without saying. Yes. But it's what we say, the choices that you have,

you can kind of make a minute shift in your day-to-day that could end up making like a monumental difference. I think I even view it as like not even actually, oh, I'm going to decide to have a cup of tea, not a cup of coffee, or I'm going to decide to get dressed today rather than not get dressed. Those things do really help.

But just even if your day is the same day you get up you have breakfast you do whatever you do in your fucking day i don't know what you do in your day i assume you have breakfast um if not you should try it but what's your favorite breakfast beans on toast every day beans on toast nice toast yeah what's yours yeah i'll go with beans on toast as well yeah fine it's a classic yeah such a classic nice not good advertising for someone who hasn't tried breakfast before beans you should try breakfast is beans out of a tin put them on toast put them on bread tomatoey beans on bread gross disgusting but like even if you are doing the

exact same fucking thing every day you have your beans on toast you can choose to choose to view your day as depressing or amazing and i genuinely think the choice is yours because i think i've gone through a lot of my life having just like the life that i've had and i have made it 30% worse for myself just in my head whereas if I went on the upper end of that 30% if I just went oh I'll do a 30% the other way and tried to view it try to see the good things here nicely you've had the same fucking life but you've just you've shifted your perspective and I really think that's one of the things I've learned yeah this year it's not even what happens there was a quote in um do you remember that this must have been like six months ago on an episode I was

saying that I read an Eckhart Tolle book called yeah i don't think it was a new earth but it could have been a journey of the heart or something i think it was a new earth actually and he was saying like what happens to you in your life is the most unstable unstable thing like the events that happen to you you can't rely on them you don't you can't predict anything so how you view things is everything and i really think i've taken that to heart honestly to my heart to my new earth that you can't control things but the only thing you can control is how you view things so true it is true i think because when you're in a bad it's the you find the evidence for what you choose to believe amen classic quote confirmation bias hey bias against yourself

the same old lessons we talk about every episode the bias against yourself is yeah um honestly you need some new tricks i know shit someone shout nobody's coming harry quick honestly sephie and wing bingo it's like did they say stunning drink that's worth two points someone actually said let me read it word for word well actually a lot of people said similar things to this i also want to hear what you what your big lesson was well i didn't make any notes unfortunately but off the top of your head just with your voice because like yeah i just wanted just my voice i just kind of wanted to speak from the heart you know also we've had quite we've had like an hour of two hours maybe of convo before this which we mainly just spoke about stressing about the book club like yeah

i can't really figure out what i've said on here and what i haven't said on the podcast what the so someone said as overused as it is and you only understand it once you do it step out of your comfort zone that was like the thing that they had learned so stunning but i yeah also the bit that i wanted to know is that i love that they said you only understand it once you do it step out of your comfort zone that was like the thing that they had learned so stunning but i yeah also the bit that i wanted to know is that i love that they said you only understand it once you do it because i think that's a lot of the that's kind of goes for all of the things all of the nonsense that we talk about in these podcasts is like all these cliches and all these life lessons the mantras that people have been saying for like hundreds of years it's like yeah whatever that can't help me blah blah blah until one of them hits you slightly different i know you've said that before but like sometimes things just hit different they just slot into your being in a new

way you just hear it differently and it's like oh nobody's coming harry yeah oh i've been hearing it nobody's coming harry harry yeah yeah. Leviosa, not Leviosa. Literally that, yeah. I think I've, I think I, I don't know if this is necessarily a lesson that I've learned in 2021, but I feel like it's a phase where I'm at right now. Don't know if you're interested in that. Sorry, I've really got tangled up in my blanket. Like I'm really-

Yeah, what's going on? You getting undressed? I'm in a spider's web. I'm really tangled in my blanket. I can't get my feet out wow sorry i mean it looked like you were like hoisting down your leggings or whatever i'm hoisting down the blanket sorry go on side hustle as a cam girl because are you on webcams for anyone else right now i'm monetizing this without your consent yeah as you should um oh fuck what was i gonna say oh sorry no no no it's me it's me it's me this brain honestly i think i'm in a phase of like settling into the way that i think i love it as in like my perspective for example if you want to use that word still like i feel like i think the past oh god i don't know why I feel like I'm gonna get emotional get emotional no I don't want to no I can see the eyes welling no let's do it no because you're laughing away I'm not matching the vibe oh no not laughing at you no no no

you're laughing at me I'm not gonna get emotional with you i do not feel safe in this space i didn't mean that no i just meant you're having such a good time and then here we go again i start crying i'll come down i want it also i don't really know why i'd be crying i think i'm just crying in general maybe i haven't just haven't really cried in a bit oh i really do feel like i'm gonna cry i don't want to i know i'm not setting a very good example everyone being like i don't want to cry and everyone's like it's okay to cry I'm like I don't want to cry next episode I'm like guys your feelings are valid and it's okay to cry I think I've been having an internal conflict going to and fro my head is bouncing between like just feeling a bit unsettled in my perspective for example like I just have felt I think I've just been really self-conscious over the past

year and it i also think with having the podcast and not being in a void anymore just makes you see yourself in a new way i also just always have a fear of being perceived by like just some people i think i've come to the conclusion i think i will be coming to this conclusion for a long time podcast or not just in life that like some people don't really care about things or some people like don't have anyone's best interests at heart whatever and i i just have to live for me which sounds obvious but also in the sense of like i'm living for me and all of the people that are like me and that's all that really matters in in the sense of like some people will be some people will get you and some people won't like some people will understand you and some people won't some people do interact with the world in

a similar way and some people don't and i actually really like matt haig to talk about midlife library because i really like the way that he sees the world i really feel like kind heart safe in that yeah very safe in his writing kind person i think i'm just settling into the way that i am which is fine i literally love it well i i don't know what you love i literally haven't said anything that you're settling into the way you view the world that is so fucking stunning settling into your perspective wow settling into my perspective yeah and and just i think i think for a while i had a bit of like there was a lot of resistance from me in the sense of like, I felt like I was viewing things a certain way. So I was a bit frustrated.

Like, why can't people see that? Like, why don't people, why is, like, am I the only person seeing it like this kind of thing? Do you know what I mean? Entirely. I feel like that's my whole life story. Existence. Yeah. Like, I completely, I think so many people, like more people than you think will be like yeah i fucking see that because as much as i know that we're coming at it from different

angles i can see the the the strength and just being like right okay maybe i just maybe i'm maybe i'm not relatable maybe it's not like this big thing that everyone relates to but maybe that is just okay yeah yeah like maybe i just need to be comfortable with who i am well that's all we've got literally all we've got. Literally all we've got. And it's not going anywhere. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like I've said a whole lot of nothing there, but.

I think a lot of people were echoing that. Yeah. In the DMs, like kind of, I just need to be okay with what I, how I view this, how I am, how I see things. It's just like, yeah, why the fuck not? The alternative is you don't, you're not okay with it forever. Which I can't do. No. I literally don't have the strength not okay with it forever which i can't do no i literally

don't have the strength to go on no i can't it won't happen i feel like i had like a real breaking point which was on the podcast if anyone cares to listen like i feel like it's been recorded for your listening pleasure i feel like i just had a breaking point this year being like you can't go on this is slightly different but just like you can't go on being this sad it's not possible and that's kind of not what I'm talking about that's a separate note I think that's been huge that do you know what I think that it's been a huge year for like committing to yourself ourselves you know the whole vibe I think it's been a big year for like commitment of being like okay so the way this has been going on i.e our lives can is is that

sustainable is that a good idea is that in my best interest it's like actually the answer has been no yeah i think we found out that it's like the way we've been kind of come on everyone get up it's all fine everything's fine it's like no that's not good enough yeah i think the lesson as well that a part of the lesson has been that like the people sometimes people you surround yourself with or the people that you are surrounded by whether it's intentional or not are not always going to make it easier for you to get to where you want to go and that is not something that's in your control like you obviously can control within reason i guess who you surround yourself with but more in the sense of like you can't it's kind of nobody's coming harry i. You can't wait around or you can't expect the other people in your life to steer you

exactly where you think you deserve to be. You have to show that to the world. And sometimes that will be going against what the people closest to you in your life think of you. And want for you. I think that's been a huge, huge fucking thing for both of us in like realising that the image of you that other people have and the image

that you have of yourself sometimes really fucking clash and what you what someone thinks is best for you and what you think is best for you they really clash and if that person's a big person to you it can be so fucking painful to realize fuck like we're not going to see eye to eye on the matter of who i am it's so difficult very confronting any tips on that oh that would be so appreciative so appreciated no I'm asking you no I'm asking to give us I'm asking Harry and but genuinely any tips on it like I think the tip is trust yourself well exactly yeah I think it's also i think it's like deep down like maybe really really deep down you know what your ambitions are like maybe it's

so deep that you forgot but i think somewhere in there you know what isn't isn't working for you and you know really if it comes down to it where you want to end up and you know if you had to visualize what it would be that you would want you know even if it's embarrassing to say even if it's embarrassing to think even if it's too embarrassing to put on a vision board and write in a fucking journal because it's so absurd or unrealistic mortifying yeah because apparently it's mortifying to want anything yeah i think you know and the choice is try or bobo from bobo and flex used to say psychological suicide you just don't do anything yeah so you either try or what you don't you die commit psychological suicide which is just the idea of giving up which is also something that bobo from bobo and flex we

fucking used to love bobo and flex like bobo from the void bobo from bobo's void and if you have never listened to bobo and flex which i'm from bobo's void and if you have never listened to bobo and flex which i'm sure you fucking have go over and you'll never listen to an episode of goes without saying again goes without saying no you have to just i don't they're not really putting out well they're not putting out episodes anymore but just go and listen to everything they've ever done and you will just that's a fucking gold mine if you've never listened fucking hell you kind of will view yourself in a different way after listening to that podcast bobo and flex no one ever understands what we say yeah it's actually spell it out b-o-b-o a-n-d f-l-e-x bobo and flex so good everyone be like f-l-e-c-k-s huh

flex yeah so bobo would always kind of talk about this concept which is like a known concept like philosophical concept but the concept of bad faith um would be something that she would talk about a lot on the podcast and honestly just go and fucking listen and i think that the idea of psychological suicide is tied to this idea of bad faith which is like the idea that you are living with the idea that there's nothing else for you like you're stuck in your job and you're thinking well i've got to just keep doing my job i don't like it but realistically i couldn't because obviously i just have to keep doing my job or i'm in a relationship i don't really like him but like he's kind of the best guy for me like he's fine and you're not really viewing the like wider

potential of your life which i think is ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay?

So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer. And we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple.

Or wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com Kind of the lesson of life to just like maybe live in good faith. Like realistically, you don't know. If you take the leap and you move to fucking Japan, you don't know what's there for you it could be misery it could be amazing but living in bad faith is the idea of no i'm not going to quit my job and go to japan i'm going to stay in my bad job because i don't know what's in japan or i'm going to stay in my

shit relationship even though i don't really like it but like i don't really want to be on my own and risk anything yeah it's like maybe you should just live in good faith like maybe it's more pleasant and what is the test of life for being a human is to live optimistically and in good faith that if i follow what feels good that's a literal yoga with adrian mantra find what feels good if you do that if you find what feels good maybe things work out for you but if you live in fear it's like what are your motivations fear or hope i my motivations cannot be fair not the life i'm trying to lead it's weird isn't it because i think socially it's pretty obvious what state we're in like as in on a macro scale like as a society that we all live in bad faith and it's encouraged

it's absolute it's it it goes without saying you seem mental to live in good faith yeah or just to try or just to even be like oh i don't really feel good living like this in this bad faith kind of vibe it's like well then you're nuts you're a fucking weirdo you're an anomaly you're the problem it's like uh maybe i guess i don't know i don't know whether i've said this on the podcast before but i did a meditation a while ago and i kind of feel like i might have spoken about this but i don't know i I don't know whether I've said this on the podcast before, but I did a meditation a while ago and I kind of feel like I might have spoken about this, but I don't know. I think you did. One of the affirmations was like, I am so in love with my desires.

And it's like, I really like the idea of like loving your desires. Like I think desire is something we're supposed to be ashamed of or like, oh, it's been embarrassing that I kind of want to have that like nice car or whatever. I mean, I don't want a nice car. I love my Honda Jazz. I love my shit car that stinks of dogs but if i wanted a lamborghini that would be seen as very embarrassing if i didn't have a lamborghini i wanted a lamborghini for example yeah literally the only example of a nice car i can think of is a lamborghini it's like what um i think i love the idea of loving my desires yeah it's freeing Because it's not then something that's out of reach.

It's like, I love that I want those things. Well, it takes the shame out of it, right? And there's a lot of shame, I think, put on us from a really, really early age. And it removes the carrot as well. You're chasing this carrot. But it's like, no, it's not a carrot anymore. It's like, I am kind of one with the carrot now. I love the carrot.

Yeah. Love that it's always there. i am kind of one with the carrot now i love the carrot yeah love that it's always there yeah yeah fine any any not predictions but like what do you think is going to be the overall a vibe like your overall mission for next year or like mission something you could hope for the end of next year like where you want to look back and think like i kind of i got i reasonably got what i wanted from this year not it might not have necessarily panned out exactly how you thought it would I mean the history books show that things don't necessarily go exactly how you predict them yeah but you get the gist of like what you needed I think I would love to just have a bit more stability next year I feel so unstable unhinged mentally and like in my life a donkey on the edge i honestly donkey on the edge i would love just to have a bit more stability

in my life and also a bit more fun and those things seem to contradict each other like we always used to say like you can't have like you have two options in life you can either choose bobo wasn't it i think this was us but you think it would god we can't quote bobo three times i think this is boba i mean it is kind of classic you to think that it was us but it was someone i think we've had this conversation before i think this was us but it could i think you hear things and you take that it's actually a really amazing thing yeah that you take things in so like thoughtful like with so much you take them to your heart to your new earth and then you think that you came up with it which is the second part maybe i don't know this is probably but yeah go on go on say it i think we've literally had that

exact conversation on the podcast before i mean it's not like we don't have a million other conversations that just keep getting repeated yeah a million times um but you can either have boredom and stability or fun and anxiety it's like okay so if you choose uh if you choose stability then you get boredom if you choose fun then you get anxiety and i feel like i've been living very much in the fun and anxiety option but not that much fun so i'm kind of like okay i need to either need to commit i'm just an anxious wreck i'm an anxious wreck i kind of would like to have a bit more stability and i would also like to just have a bit more fun it would just be really nice just to be like at the end of the year i feel like i've gained a bit of um balance

uh like a wider tightrope like i'm i've given myself some room here some padding and then also i would i'm trying to do a new thing where i get dressed every day as you can see i haven't managed today oh i thought you had no this is not me this is no when you say dressed what do you mean like everything done like hair done like whatever everything i'm trying to put makeup on yeah as in i'm trying to be like the form of myself that i like most days because i think i do this do a thing where i kind of give up on the day before it's even started yeah by being like i'm just gonna stay in like um leggings and a tiny little top and a jumper whatever and not get dressed and put my hair in a ponytail whatever i know i think it's actually been really bad for me this year like the amount of time i've spent in like not pajamas

but pretty much as close as you can get to pajamas without being in pajamas just something you don't feel good in basically just like i'm wasting myself almost it's like i want because i love getting dressed all of the stuff you let yourself go honestly let myself go i think that's what the grandmas would call it genuinely i think i'm trying to do a thing where it's like what about if you just like get dressed like what if you don't like throw the day away because then it's fine to have a day where you don't get dressed with this stuff but my norm is just being like nah you know what i think is the important part of that is that i think there's a desire there for a lot of people to be like but why why do i have to perform for the patriarchy and perform for capitalism to blah blah blah and that's part of it

i think a part of it is acceptance and like letting go of the fact that you exist in a world with all of these constructs and you can either exist happily or you can exist i don't know i don't want to say angrily but like you can exist not allowing yourself to feel the way that you feel about certain things i just find it funny like because i agree i completely agree it's fucked the it's it absolutely is fucked that i feel better with eyeliner on than i feel without eyeliner on that is a fucked up thing but you can also understand it from a psychological context entirely i've been trained throughout my whole fucking life to feel better with mascara than i do about and i think i kind of just need to be in the point where it's like i'm not even do i'm not

not putting on makeup on as a stand-up why the page that's not the battle i'm trying to fight every day you're not it's because you can't be bothered that's it and it's not even so it's not the whole if that's not the full story of oh i'm not getting ready because i'm um it's a fuck you to capitalism it's like well it's not that's not the full picture oh my god it's not a fuck you to capitalism it's a fuck you to me exactly then we can also see that it's not the full story to say oh i feel better when i've got makeup and an outfit on because it's for the patriarchy and because it's for capitalism it's like that's not the full story though it's also because there's a version of you that you enjoy and you think has value and she looks a certain way and she is you still and it's a process and

it's a ritual and there's so much more that goes into it than just the male gaze for example there's a whole load of nuance and like complexity not a word complexity yeah i think it's just um literally a matter of there are loads of things i do that are fucked up during a day and loads of things that i do that we all do that just it is fucked up that we have to put this shit on our faces to feel good i don't even think it's about that i think it's about intention no but this is my point i think it's patriarching all of this aside yeah well entirely because i don't even necessarily think of like how often do you think about the act of getting dressed as an act of

patriarchal like compliance i mean yeah is that whatever yeah but i just feel beyond that it's more yeah among a million other things is that totally and the way i interact with every human ever but i also think it's it's more a thing of like do you want to waste the day like do you want to kind of stay in your pajamas and rot in bed all day or do you want to maybe give it a go and i think i'm at the point now it's like let's maybe give it a go yeah let's give it a go yeah and i think the pandemic has not helped with that but that's been i think i have spent far too much time inside yeah which we all have yeah but i really think for myself i have spent too much time inside this year i agree with that yeah i agree with that for me i don't see that for you no i see that for me

100 no i see it for everyone yeah I think it's the kind of thing, I remember we said this before, but it's kind of like, we like to delude ourselves, obviously, not just you and I, but like everyone. Oh, it's my favourite hobby. Everyone like deludes himself by thinking, so for example, it's like you somehow think,

let me just get this straight, you think you're living in a pandemic, but that's in no way impacting you, right? Or like, oh, you think like someone in your family's unwell and you've got exams going on and you think that's not impacting you. Hmm. Like you think you're just coincidentally

not sleeping that well. Hello? Second appearance. Oh no, it's the dog. Oh wow. Fucking hell. Right, sorry, one sec. I don't know how he just opened that door.

Let's get Aussie on. on scram get out of here bye no can you come on no he's gone sorry oh do you want to see his haircut yeah i really do i really do okay i know i'm gonna laugh i always laugh at dog's haircut he looks like a rat let me see in the best way in the best way always in the best way my baby boy oh god he's so thin he's so thin ozzy are you eating enough he's a bit not well today oh my god look at that little he's minuscule i didn't realize he was that skinny skinny legend under there he is a skinny legend oh my god right you're chilling here then no yeah let him in well i wouldn't mind him being in but he he wants to roam about um what was i talking about i was trying to i'm shit about something basically i was getting into the point of there are symptoms of things so like if x y and z has

happened so for example i know i've said this before of things so like if x y and z has happened so for example I know I've said this before but it's like if you have anxiety you feel like you're an anxious person that doesn't just mean like oh I have anxiety it means like for example before a seminar you don't want to go yes that's a symptom that's a real life symptom and I feel like a lot of people think that just putting the label on it is all that really matters publicly. Totally. But your symptoms are going to come out with other people. They're going to be embarrassing. They're going to make things harder. They're going to fuck up your life sometimes.

This is a big lesson, I think. Yeah, it is. I think this is a big lesson. Because I think people have no problem with saying they have anxiety, for example. But they have a big problem with the way that anxiety impacts the lives of themselves and those around them yeah there's a difference between the shame of having it and it's funny living with it sorry go on no no it's just funny because that it's it's seen as now it's accepted to be like oh i have um adhd i have um depression all of this stuff that you it's okay now to put the label on it but as soon as that behavior starts coming out and it's like oh i'm gonna have to cancel that plan actually because blah blah everyone then gets annoyed

but it's like no but that is actually what the thing is that's what we're talking about here people for goodness sake yeah that's it's the behaviors that are uncomfortable i find it funny that the behavior that is because of the thing is sometimes not as accepted as the thing the title of the thing it's just like yeah yeah what what is going on here 100 i like that somebody said i thought this was really nice they said that the lesson that they'd learned this year was being kinder to myself helps in literally every situation oh fuck let me say again sorry i'm loving it already i really like that this yeah so cute um oh i was gonna say it again but fuck it say it again i was gonna do a whole like cut that but yeah they said well i didn't finish it, so I will.

But as in, like, I was going to say, I was going to pretend that didn't happen. Anyway. Same. I knew you were, but I just thought I would put in a little joke. Sweeten it up. They said, being kinder to myself. Okay. Be kind to yourself.

You messed up again. Be kind. Oh, God. Okay. kind to yourself you messed up again be kind okay this person said being kinder to myself helps in literally every single situation i get myself into that's all it is that's all it says and isn't that fucking true stunning it's so fucking true it never makes anything worse no it doesn't really also that's the biggest punishment like i do think the the punishment you give yourself is never as bad as the punishment the world gives you like a teacher shouts at you you're in a fucking lesson the teacher shouts at you that is not as bad as when you walking

you're walking home thinking you fucking idiot you idiot you idiot i was in front of everyone so embarrassing the actual event is never that bad as the thing that you give yourself yeah yeah so don't do that yeah so true it is true yeah it's funny like we really are our own worst enemies like you know how to torture yourself in a way that other people haven't learned yet like people don't know your crux specific niche torture the way that you know your crux you know all your weaknesses uh-huh you're your own what is it called a boggart yeah the boggart is like your your fear ridiculous your worst fear what would yours be or is that too much oh a boggart what would my boggart be

i always what was it i used to have a thing that it would be because i thought they were silly some of them i bet you did what ones did you think was i thought basically so ron no who has who is it that has a giant spider is it pavarti yeah yeah ron has a giant spider like a cobra no ron has a not a spider giant snake sorry oh yeah yeah a giant snake like um i think pavarti has like a giant like cobra snake yes yeah and she turns into this giant fucking clown thing it's like jesus that's not funny, Pavarti. You've gone mental. You've turned it into something way scarier, actually. Actually, I don't know if you know this.

I don't know what you were doing. Actually, how is that ridiculous? Well, it's kind of, that's ridiculous to like the 40-year-old woman who wrote it. Totally. Not to like the actual character. I can't remember what my thing was though but did you have a thing that'd be your boggart um no not really i thought the spot i was really i'm really scared of spiders spider i think mine would just be like a real one

is would be deep wouldn't it it's gonna be oh a real one is just like it's a picture of your failed self oh god really embarrassing like in front of everyone like draco's like that's embarrassing it's like draco don't look at that please draco please avert your eyes do not look it's not hot oh my god lupin please do not look at me like that vivanti's jack-in-the the Box isn't so bad now, is it? So embarrassing. I mean, I love that his is the moon and he turns it into a balloon. Stunning. I also used to

think it was so funny when Snape comes out in the grandmother's clothes. So good. I think mine would have been like Michael Jackson. Terrifying. Yeah, but I was more so asking for like your fears. I know i know failed version of myself but let's just say michael jackson coming out i'd be running a mile and attacking you yeah

um what's your boggart comment down below michael jackson you said i'm literally screaming. A Billie Jean. It's insane. What would you turn him into, though? I mean, it can't really get much sillier, can it? Do you know what I mean? He's already putting on a fucking performance.

He's already spinning around. He's moonwalking. person is dead like we're gonna get slight for that i think there are a lot of michael jackson lovers out there i know there are but then you should watch the documentary that's called finding neverland leaving them leaving neverland not finding neverland they're trying to get out of there they're not trying to find it leaving neverland i feel so sick i need to calm down he's moonwalking sorry if you love michael looping's like have some chocolate have some chocolate it helps trust me i always thought honestly chocoholic

he is a chocoholic looping it's too much it's dumb i cannot get enough oh my god oh shit okay well how do we get out of that um i don't know any nice points that you want to talk about there's well there's one that i screenshotted i mean it it's weird that i've screenshotted this one because there were so many so ones that were like this one's quite specific but i liked it because it was specific the gist of them was just like love yourself enjoy your life all this stuff it's like yeah you're so fucking right i love this one because it was quite niche though they said tell someone when they upset you it's scary but so necessary for healthy friendship

and i think that is a lesson that yeah it's lifelong for most people yeah the actual thing of it's kind of your feelings are valid but telling someone because you value the friendship what you just did upset me and blah blah blah I think it's it's the best thing anyone can do for any friendship I think we're really good at that actually just being like are you upset about that you but I think we're really good at it and I think it's one of the best things you can do I agree I think one of the important things about that? I think we're really good at it. And I think it's one of the best things you can do. I agree. I think one of the important things about that, actually, that I was thinking about recently. Sorry, I'm still.

Yeah, I feel ill from that boggart talk. Bit weak, bit weak at the knees, actually. Let me just get some water, sorry. Yeah. I spilled over my whole first glass of water everywhere. I've had to change blankets. This is a mess. I had to change my na first glass of water everywhere. I've had to change blankets. This is a mess. I had to change my nappy.

But you said to change my blanket. Sounds really weird. You were going, my blankie, my blankie. My blankie. It's because I've got a really fluffy blanket at home and now I've had to use the dog's blanket because I'm cold. It looked lovely. Right, I was thinking about this the other day.

Friendship, talking about things, communication. And I i was thinking i feel like a bit of a part of that it's even a bit of a tip actually oh lovely is that it's not just like oh be offended in that moment get upset in that moment and then say it then and there just get it out say to them blah blah it never happens in the moment it never happens in the moment. It never happens in the moment. No. Take the shame and like the pressure out of that moment in feeling like, because it's going to take you

like a while to be like, oh, what was it that didn't, that I didn't like? I have a sting. I'm just identifying. I'm feeling bad.

I have a sting. It's embarrassing the way that we talk to each other. I think I have, I'm feeling a bit stuck. I have a sting. I said to Wing the other day, we talk to each other i think i have i'm feeling a bit stung i have a sting i said to wing the other day we talk to each other like a couple that are in marriage therapy so true though we do because i got a text from wing that was like i just want to let you know

how much i appreciate and value you and it's like that is absurd to receive that text like we really speak like we're in marriage counseling yeah i really appreciate you i'm feeling quite stung i'm feeling quite stung but i think it's about taking first of all in feeling like you don't have to say it then and there takes the pressure out of because i think sometimes you know to quote seven you gaslight yourself the way that society would gaslight you in the sense that that you think, oh, well, I didn't say anything. It's been a while now. I can't bring it up now.

It's silly. It's over. The moment's over. I don't want to bring it back up. Forget that. Nonsense. I think something, you're having a conversation, whatever. Someone says something doesn't feel right with you.

When you leave the conversation after 10 minutes, whatever, you start to realise you don't feel good. You think about, you understand maybe maybe why where it came from whatever and i feel like giving yourself the time not only takes the pressure off of feeling like you have to say it straight away otherwise suddenly it's not valid and it's not a valid point to bring up anymore but it also means that the like immediate like heat and the sting that we want to call it is kind of softening it's like you know starting to it's just you've cooled down a bit rather than immediately going in with you think you're going in with great communication but you're actually going in with like anger anger and all of these things that are going to come up yeah because you think yeah i

completely think that is it when you think that you're coming with hi i'm just really going to communicate but you come with the sting you need to let the sting yeah um kind of what's the word die down a bit and also it takes a while to identify what it was because you could think it was you just looked at me like in this way that you thought i was an idiot but actually it was about the fact that before when there was someone else around you thought they said something there or whatever and it's like oh i felt really left out in that situation but whatever it is friendship dynamics they're hard i do think it takes often it's the next day and things like

that was like oh god no i actually did feel a bit weird about that thing that happened and i think communication i mean i think we don't sing that we sing the praises too much but i don't think we do it enough almost like you've got to say how you feel and also say it with empathy it's not enough just be like i feel like this it's like you've got to see it you've got to see it from both ways i think that's the thing but it's also the thing if i think some relationships aren't set up where it's safe to do that absolutely the majority it's just not do you know what i mean the vast majority yeah the absolute vast majority i don't think it's safe to say in most things i just feel like you blah blah blah because people get defensive i feel stung stung by you because

they'll say fuck off i feel exhausted i feel strange really i feel a bit like what did we just put them through talking about boggart and michael jackson and god knows what could you could you tell me can i tell you can i ask you something yeah you can tell me something i'm not telling well i'm telling you a question i wanted to ask you you sitting down at the end of 2020 and you sitting down at the end of 2021 I know you've had the lesson of like perspective and everything that we've just discussed what do you think is the biggest difference between you and her oh my god I think I've had actually a big year in terms of like learning about myself the thing that I wanted more than anything at the end of last year for example just the thing

i've wanted a lot in life is to feel um kind of normal and to feel like myself like that everyone says oh yeah you're kind of um you're doing it right like you're doing this right you're doing the same way as everyone else that you're doing this kind of amazingly um but expected you're on cue you're on you're on track basically this year has been a whole lesson in accepting i guess that like maybe my brain does work a bit differently blah blah blah i'm talking about autism maybe there is something there that you are just fundamentally not going to be seen as normal or there is a bit of you that people will always be weird to some people whatever and that's fine and maybe it's fine there's a bit of me that is finally accepting like you are different and and that's okay and not in this like you're

unique you're different you're amazing way but just like you are actually um your worst fears are confirmed you're a weirdo and that's maybe fine well that's kind of the thing as well that you were saying earlier about like your worst fear and not michael jackson your worst fear like whatever your worst fear being not as bad as the way that you're going to shame yourself for it anyway and it's so true yeah it is so true i think that's a good exercise of the mind of being like if my worst fear is true then what oh everything just carries on and i'm sure i'll just get on with it yeah i think it's been a huge lesson actually in um it doesn't matter what other people think it truly only matters what you think it truly only matters what you think like the the

amount of people i think also this year i've got a heavy load both of us have i know a heavy heavy load of validation that we've never experienced before and and a load of it um feels great and a load it's kind of what I was saying a few episodes back actually with like messages you don't believe them unless you believe yourself blah blah blah you can be hit with all the compliments in the world and that's online and in real life of oh you're doing the blah blah you don't believe a word of it it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks unless you think it's good yourself yeah when you think you're doing well then that's all you can really ask for stunning no words need to be spoken you know what else as well i think in relation to talking about

validation talking about messages and stuff i think whether or not you can believe someone when they say a nice thing to you or when you get a message from the podcast really and this is kind of in part what i was talking about in the beginning where i feel like what you know is real like i know i know i've said this before probably and i know i've said it to you a million times but i know what it's like when i've like spent a lot of time watching someone's youtube videos or like listening to someone's podcast or consuming the content that somebody puts out i've spent a lot of time with them i know what that feels like i know that i care about them i know that they come into my mind throughout the day i'll think

i wonder what you know what i hope they're okay that sort of thing i know what that exchange is like for me as a consumer with the people that i consume have consumed yeah therefore even though someone might say you guys are amazing your podcast is amazing i think this podcast is not amazing and you've got no clue how unamazing we are no offense i'm dragging down with me oh drag me down but i do know that this exchange is real and like i think this is what i was talking about the beginning as well i just think like i i don't know if it's softness. I don't know what it is that I am just a bit more like fucking weird.

And I'm like, want to be in everyone's business more than other people do. Like I care more about someone that I've never met for some reason. I just want to be, for some reason, I just, I don't know.

It's probably a big internal issue issue i would call it empath which is awful you don't like when i call you that no because i think it sounds like like you're shane dawson it does the opposite of what it yeah i don't know it's probably to be honest comes from my own insecurity i don't think it's a nice thing at all i think it is thanks i think it's the people pleasing thing whatever but i know that some people listen to this podcast casually, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And that's great. And thank you.

But I also know that at the same time, there'll be someone like taking us with them throughout their day, throughout their lives. And that is a mutual exchange. Like in the way that they are thinking about us, I'm thinking you're in my being now. Totally. But that's the biggest difference

from where I was last year to this year and although we had people listening last year it does feel like a really different space i feel like i have loads of people in my soul now i know do you know what i mean like i just feel like there are little like usernames and like little faces and like stories and like not instagram stories i mean like life stories like paragraphs that you think about yeah words that people have said like that's in my that's the way that i interact with the world now has been changed by everyone being nice and in this space which is crazy agreed completely would you say that's the biggest thing you've learned i think it i think it feels so massive because i like it just feels a bit

unrealistic it's like what you're gonna have a podcast and people are gonna listen to it shut the fuck up that's so annoying just shut up like that's so embarrassing first of all it's my embarrassing medium you could have chosen it's like you're a laughingstock but i was saying to before we started recording like if we hadn't have been embarrassing and started this podcast there would be like someone's like i listen with my sister all the time like we press play at the same time so that we can laugh together yeah like that what would you would have been listening to something else you probably would have getting a lot more value from whatever else you would have been consuming

with your sister but it's us and if we hadn't have been so dumb and brave and ridiculous ridiculous and in good faith and in good faith there would have been a goes without saying shape void in the world which i'm sure lots of people would think that would be a good thing but i for one think that that would be shit and i for two agree don't you think like it has changed you it's changed so fucking much i think it changes your self-belief so much the amount that you think you're capable of it's just a moment it's just honestly i do like i do think it's just a moment of hope that you do that and it's just a moment of seeing your own potential yeah and then it's

like oh wow like it actually kind of worked a bit huh i feel sick well maybe we should go like i hope everyone's had a really good year i really do hope everyone's had a really good year. I really do hope everyone's had a good year. Like just as much as it's been fucking weird. And it has been fucking weird. I hope you can think of some things that you were like, yeah, that was a fucking great week. That was a great moment. I think that's all I'm doing. Just like looking back and being like,

yeah, no, that was good. That was fun. That little bit. The rest was weird, but that bit there, like I had a good time then. I hope you feel like you can exist on this earth and that's fine. And just, like, you are okay. You're not on your own.

You're okay. Well, that's fucking stunning. And the book club is... See you at book club, I guess. See you at book club. Yeah. That makes me feel sick. I've got so much to do.

I'm really excited. I don't feel sick about it. I feel excited about it. We've got some stuff to work out Zoom-wise. But by the time they're joining, we will have worked that out. And, like, just everything. There don't feel sick about it. I feel excited about it. We've got some stuff to work out Zoom-wise, but by the time they're joining, we will have worked that out. And like, just everything.

There's a lot to think about. And we need to decide book two. Yeah, okay. Right, cool. Let's do that. Let's do that now. Okay, let's go. Right, well,

if you don't hear from us... It's been the worst. I sound terrified.