Goes Without Saying - Red Flags & Dating Disasters! (let the alarm bells ring!): podmas #6

Episode Date: December 6, 2024

merry podmas! festive podmothers sephy & wing enter a Big Sleigh: carolling on standing up for yourself in dating, building healthy relationships, dealing with low self-esteem and a lack of support, feeling insecure in being single, and reflecting on dating horror stories. ✷see more ✷ www.youtube.com/@sephyandwing ✷ www.instagram.com/sephyandwing ✷ www.tiktok.com/@sephyandwingshop ✷ www.sephyandwing.co.uk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com. Take one, I've just taken a massive bite of my baguette, sorry. What's in there? Bacon. Just bacon. Bacon, and there was sausages, but I've taken them out.

You don't want them? No, I've eaten them separate. Any sauce? Brown. Brown, I thought brown. And butter. I'm surprised brown sauce didn't come up in our food app. Lashings of butter. Well we can do this part two, brown sauce. Brown sauce. Big fan. Okay, let the jingle bells ring as they say. Let the jingle bells ring. Another day of podmas. Here we go.

How's it going? It's going so well. It's literally just started raining that second. Oh wow. Which is quite nice. I've sort of, I'm sitting in quite a weird position. Can you see? I'm sort of, I'm sort of facing sort of like Bella Swan looking out of her bedroom window with the camera spinning around me. I'm very much facing the back garden, just like facing the window and you're sort of in the window still a little bit. Yeah you have put me to the side and you are staring out the window. it's a bit madame web actually. I just quite like to have a nice view. yeah okay. I agree with you. I'm nothing better really. mmm fun app today. mmm nobody panic. nobody panic. nobody panic. it's a nice fun episode, although we might be calling some things out

So, you know, we've already will be what you will. Yeah, but you know what to expect. I guess just expect the unexpected. I Thought this would be fun to talk about like classic red flags and stuff because I feel like we're quite I'm like Like we're quite like oh Like fucking hell, I'm not stupid sort of thing. Like we're not we can't easily pull the wool over our eyes I would I would hope so I think we're quite Switched on switched on and almost like you can't take us for fools I hope not but then we are quite foolish as well. We are foolish, but I mean little fools I yeah, that's all I want to be beautiful. Yeah fool. I think at minimum, romantically, you cannot take us for fools.

I think I've been taken for a fool. How? Well, go on then. A few times. Well, no, no. I'm not calling anyone out. A fool? Oh, right.

But I think there probably have been some moments, god, I've been quite foolish. But in a fun way. I think that's the difference. Kind of fool tarot card, I'm seeing it, rather than a fool. I think there's a difference in the level of awareness of like I'm not being a big silly with it Yeah, I'm making silly frivolous choices and I'm having fun and this is all on me Yeah, and at least you know if you're doing sneaky things at least it's mutual sort of thing or like that sort of vibe

Rather than like I like being like I'm going to put myself in a position with full acknowledgement of the embarrassing-ness and silliness of this thing and like, this is not a thing to pursue but I kind of just want to anyway. Yeah. Rather than the foolish behaviour I see, which maybe isn't that like, yeah I think it comes down to like an awareness, yeah, an awareness of it really, I guess. I think I actually, in the other episode, I said the one thing I took from my parents and my nan

was like not opening your advent calendar all at once in a literal sense. That's not like a metaphor for something big or anything. That's not a tampon all the way in the situation. It's not eggs in all your baskets or there's not, yeah. That's literally, I'm not going to eat my advent calendar all at once, I'm too scared yeah. That's literally, I'm not going to eat my advent calendar all at once, I'm too scared.

And the other thing that I took on was a very strong idea about like, when you grow up, any relationships you have with men, do not let them treat you badly. Like that was my biggest thing that I felt very strongly about. Like they would really drill into me like do not you will not let a man take you on a ride sort of thing and that said I

don't think it's and I know just nobody here is thinking this but just I guess the crux is it's not personal failing if you have found yourself being taken around the block, taken for a fool as they say. It could be a fun little spin sometimes. It could absolutely be a fun spin and also other people's bad behavior or other people treating you badly isn't a reflection of you. That's not your fault that someone else has been a cunt. But that said, there are some red flags to watch out for. Boy are there. And I think we should dig in.

Okay that's fun. Any you've experienced first hand? Oh this is just an immediate like I do think this is just something to watch out for. Yeah. Lateness. Oh I once waited this is crazy mmm 50 minutes in a park in London. Yes. For a guy to show up. He showed up. That's nearly an hour. That's nearly an hour, 15 minutes. Just for anyone who doesn't know their maths. Needing a wee. Oh.

Awful. I waited and I would have, and I remember, and I said at the time, you are fucking lucky that it's a sunny day and like a nice night in this park because if this was in a bar or something, the humiliation and I would have left. I still think I should have left. Like I do think for a few minutes.

Well looking back now it's easy to say hey but... Also it was like very very specific context like it was quite a dramatic meeting. Like you hadn't seen each other in a few months. Like it was a kind of a big thing but I do think 50 minutes waiting in a fucking park and then they show up being like oh I'm sorry I don't think that is okay and I think it speaks to like the issues that emerge later of like sort of is anybody home? anybody in there? hello you can't do that

am I remembering right that he may have said sorry I'm late I was I got caught up doing this other thing there were a few things he He said that he, God. Oh, it's quite bad going back to it, isn't it? There were a few moments. He said that he had skated across London, to start off with. That's not the quickest form of transport across London. Yeah, don't worry, I'm skating.

He skated across London. Okay. With the tubes down, so that's quite convenient. Yeah, he was stuck in a conversation, and then the big one was, I don't know the city. Like I don't know where I'm going, blah blah blah blah blah. Right. Those things can all be avoided by just being in a conversation thinking, I'm meeting someone 20 minutes ago.

I'm leaving now. I need to be there. And then maybe thinking, what's the quickest way across London? Not, so I guess I skate there. I'll skate the scenic route. I'll skate around. I'll skate there. I'll skate the scenic route. I'll skate around, I'll skate there. I'll skate around, I'm sure I'll stumble upon her at some point. And also I think there was like a weird thing in that one of like, I didn't want to like,

sour the mood because it's- I think that's the thing with most red flags, you don't want to bring it up like- Well I think with like a first date, like a first date, like, well I mean it wasn't a first date but like, with most things I think you should be able to be like yeah I'm gonna sour this fucking mood because it wasn't me that soured it, it's you skating around 50 minutes late yeah but I think I just was preserving something else there which I don't know I think I probably should have been a bit more rude than I was I was quite rude but I wish I was a bit more rude. How rude were you? I have seen

you be rude for less. I wasn't I think I said I actually wasn't rude I was a bit more rude. How rude were you? Because I have seen you be rude for less. I wasn't... I think I said... I actually wasn't rude. I was like this really isn't your finest move. Yeah. And... I don't know what I said. I remember I said that though. This really isn't your finest move. Which is true. I can say that again. And what was, was there grovelling to be had? I can't really remember. I think there was a bit, but I was also quite preoccupied because I thought there was a guy called Rez sitting next to me who was in Maiden Chelsea. Oh. And I was quite distracted by him and I was like trying to, you know, so I had- I mean, God, that kept you occupied for, occupied for 50 minutes. Probably a good 25.

The hopes of Rez. Probably 25. Thankfully Rez kicked in. I don't know. So I feel like lateness, I feel like, sorry I keep saying I feel like, but I do feel like that did speak to the later issues that emerged. So I think if you identify an early red flag it usually hints at what the problem will be later. I think that's the thing isn't it. It's almost like, especially when you don't know someone or there's not a lot of history or there's not a lot to like, you're still getting to know them so there's not a lot to look back on and be able to identify like is this a

kind of isolated incident? Is this just general the ups and downs of life and these things happen and whatever? Is this a case where like something means a lot to me and you don't know that yet and so we're having to work out something new or is this a way that in a few months time I'll look back and be like oh there was a lack of care from the beginning Yeah Annoying and I think you identify those things with part like if they're a pattern and also if you have said I don't think you should have to spell it out But if you have said like I really don't want to be kept waiting for 50 minutes in a park in London

It's crazy. Do I need to tell you that like is that something that I don't know 5050 minutes that's an hour I take it as an hour it is an hour that is a very long time just to be waiting it's like because I was still now for some reason want to defend him and I really shouldn't like I kind of almost for your sake I want to be like it's not that bad though is it but then I'm like oh god it is a long time it's like it's like really consciously rude it's like that's there's a lot of kind of ten minutes in there for you to have been like oh shit I'm a bit late and again I'm a bit late. Well he was ringing me on the way and

stuff like there were there were so many things also like this wasn't it was what makes it even ruder is that it wasn't just like a second date situation. This was like there was like a whole thing going on like I won't get into it because it will give away who the person is but there's a whole fucking thing. And so far it's been so hard to figure out. I really think it's really easy. Well it's just funny when you say he skated across London and it was like you haven't seen each other in a few months it's like okay and he's not familiar with the city is like okay I wonder where he comes from could be anyone it could be it really could be anybody also I think it's your duty to protect I also think um I'm kind of in my Taylor Swift Fearless Speak Now era of if you don't want

horrible songs written about you then you shouldn't be a cunt to me yeah therefore not this person's a cunt just saying no not literally not at all. Like actually good vibes, just not for me. Just literally not for me. Good, good, genuinely good vibes, good person, not for me. Yeah. Which is lovely. Yeah. Genuinely like wish the best for sure. Yeah. Well, that's definitely a big one. So now if somebody was late, how would you? I have never experienced lateness since that time. That was crazy. I think also sometimes you've got to think like,

if my friend did this, how would I act? Like if my friend showed up, if you showed up 50 minutes late, I would have been like, It would be really rude. I would have been like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, are you actually taking the piss? And I don't think the reaction should be that different. Obviously, maybe you want to be a bit more flirty. but kind of. the sentiment should be the same. what the fuck are you doing?

but it's hard especially like i think in dating what makes it particularly hard is you don't know there's no lines drawn yet and also like we have a whole for example me and you we have a whole friendship if you were to be an hour late. there'd be context. yeah there'd be context. you'd be like oh god. i would be like okay this is really unexpected i hope she's okay sort of thing. if it was literally like you were carelessly an hour late and you were kind of meandering your way to me whatever, whatever. i think the kicker for me is not even that. it's caught up in a conversation it's like well yeah yeah that was bad okay so i'm i'm beneath on your priorities i'm beneath this random conversation you were in you've got to sort that out mate that's not right it's really and so if yeah if you were an hour

late to meet me and you said sorry i got caught up in a conversation i would literally that's bullet to the brain end the podcast delete everything deleted everything got on total wipeout also a conversation with who someone you're never going to see again that's who this is here. You're not even from here. Who are you chatting to? What the hell? That's kind of what I learnt about with the skaters.

If you skate you are friends for life with everyone else that is holding a skateboard. Which is nice. If someone is holding a skateboard you just apparently go up to them, hey dog. That is just apparently what happens. Right but I expect people that I'm seeing to have the confidence in them. I think that's what would almost like, I don't like seeing somebody not be able to stand up for themselves and not be able to stand up for me. That's the way I take it of almost like why are you not fighting for me? Literally like who's fighting? But it's like oh you're just having a you're just having a chat. No I need you to be able to fighting for me? Literally like, who's fighting? But it's like, oh you're just having a chat.

No, I need you to be able to fight for me. And say, I'm leaving. I don't even know. But isn't it funny the different ways that it it obviously hits nerves in different ways of different people. It's kind of subjective how they hit for you. Yeah, I think mine was like

just the not valuing of my time, almost like you're not thinking. And I think it spoke to my idea of like, there's not a lot going on in there, meaning his brain. Really rude. But like, I think that was kind of what it got to, was like, I don't know how you didn't think.

You were in that conversation, you were just fully in that conversation, and you didn't think for one second, oh, I should also be somewhere else right now, like I don't think it actually occurred, which is kind of the sh- well I think it's sort of- because whenever people tell me that oh I didn't think of that, I don't know if it's just because I have too many thoughts so I'm always thinking of horrible things, but when people say that they're naive to something like almost

oh my god I didn't even think of that I kind of think you must stop. well some people yes but I think the recurring issue I didn't even it is totally rude but I think the thing that bothered me more was like it's a complete different way of living. you really are not thinking about other people in the same way you're not thinking of time and you're not thinking of time and and you're not thinking your whole concepts of like respect and appreciation but I think it was reflected in like all aspects of like you're not thinking outside of there isn't a lot of like foresight of like you're not thinking about oh I don't

want to get too personal on him but like yeah cuz I'd be roasting this whole life but like you know let's just say it's about somebody else then go on let's say it's about someone else yeah i can't really why what is it no i can't oh i want to know um okay okay let's do someone else let's go through the pan let's do someone else well also it's hard because i think i do look, I think there's a lot in a first impression and I think early days are really, really important, but, like, in all relationships, like, friendships too, but I also think in the right circumstance and with the right kind of active intention, there can be so much room for, like, growth and, like, understanding and understanding, sharing, understanding in different ways that you, do you know what I mean?

Like, it's kind of part of it, but it's not, you know, bad behaviour, it's a no. And you don't deserve that. I always say as well, how much of the relationship is being allowed to continue just because you are willing to look past things. You're overlooking things. You're overlooking things.

That's the only reason this is still happening. The only reason you're still seeing each other is because you're overlooking things. yeah. like this relationship isn't built on really much else other than your ability to internalise shit and be like that's fine it doesn't matter. yeah. which i don't necessarily.. that's not what i see for you guys. no because i think that is only due to like a low self-esteem really of thinking like oh there's nothing really left for me outside of that. And I think if you find yourself in that position, I think it's about building up the other areas of your life and maybe your opinion of yourself

and doing things that don't involve that person. For example, I know someone that has recently got back with someone that cheats on them. Who's that then? Okay again, cut. Sorry, yeah. Back in, yep. Back in.

That was just some beans being spilled. Back in biz. Yeah, and I just kind of think like, I don't know what I fucking think. Listen to your friends, listen to your family in those moments, like, yeah, it's not great. I think listen to your gut as well, like listen to the thing in you that is like hmm this doesn't feel so good. But the gut yeah the gut is always to be trusted about I think the gut can be just like shoved down like the gut is just like totally ignored I think in those moments it's so good if you do have like a network of people that you trust around you yeah this is why it's so

fucking important like this would actually be my biggest advice generally to women, that I see a mistake being made time and time and time again. This is a recurring mistake that I've seen so many people make and it's so easy to make and fucks people in the ass every fucking time. It literally does. People that ditch their friends when they get a new boyfriend or something or like have no one outside of their relationship, you are fucked, you are screwed. Like what the fuck are you doing? It's a terrible, terrible,

terrible dire mistake. And I'm not saying that that relationship will end, but I'm saying that your life will be so much more empty for that decision? I think as well like generally speaking trying to, I'm not even trying but like having good people in your life with good relationships across the board is so valuable and these things go up and down and everything is always changing and it's like an ebb and flow and all of that stuff but it's something worth prioritizing so I think if you're finding yourself in that situation where you're kind of looking around like hmm not sure how I'm feeling about this about these yeah I think if you're finding yourself in the situation where it's kind of like oh I'm not feeling so

good in that I think it's a good reminder to like prioritize it you deserve Also, I think it's nice to know that there are people out there who do care about you and love you and do want to support you. And it's worth pursuing that. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What's your perfect night? Is it curling up on the couch for a cozy, peaceful night in? Therapy can feel a bit like that. Your comfort place where you replenish your energy. With BetterHelp, get matched with a therapist based on your needs, entirely online. It's convenient and suited to your schedule. Find comfort this season with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com.

Because I think a lot of people, I think more often than not, people do feel really isolated and lonely and not. I think it's one of the most common messages we get is that people feel really lonely and almost like... One of the nicest things people say to us is like, oh, you're having conversations that I wanna be having that they don't necessarily have other people to have these conversations with, for example. So I just think it's a good reminder that there are people,

like you didn't know Seth and Wing were here. Maybe you don't really like us that much, but if you feel particularly aligned to us, we never would have met. God, you guys don't even know, like, wow. You were about to miss us. You were so close to not clicking on this podcast that one time, remember that? And we snatched you and we caught you

in and I think it's a nice... The truth is there are lots of people out there who are on a similar vibe to you. And yeah, you deserve to seek them out because they do really make your life loads better and you deserve to have that Yeah, yeah, it's just so Fucking basic to be honest. Like I think it's something that gets ignored so much or like overlooked but these people I don't know Yeah I think I think it's so sad I think it is really sad But I also think it's more a reflection of just like the kind of like you're saying the issues within

yourself of like it's a self-esteem issue. I think a lot of people do, especially a lot of young women, do find it easier to fall into that like one-on-one thing with this guy they're gonna be with for like nine months, whatever and get into the habit of pushing people away. Even if it's forever, you are sacrificing so much for this one person that I think it's like there is an idea in society that like if you have this, or I don't even know if it's within society, but there's a lot of people that I know that almost like their lives have been, or so much of their lives have been centered around trying to find this thing and then they find this thing and it's like okay so say that is your husband like that's who you're gonna be with forever you can still have there are still so much

richness to be found outside of that but there is this weird idea that when you okay time to sort of like box myself away from everything and like not come out and not do anything and not really feed yourself with your life outside of that and an idea that you exist within this one partnership which you do but you also exist within a collective of friends, a collective of your family, yourself as a person, yourself at work, all of these things feed into your being as a person, identity as you. I see danger ahead, danger ahead, when I hear too much identity being placed within,

the identity within that specific partnership. I think it goes as well, like we see a lot of people having kind of difficult, like almost you build a relationship based on the wrong things, so like you might be bonded over something not particularly great for you. And keeping yourself trapped in that is very hard. I actually know someone who, I need to be careful here,

but I need to be so careful actually. Maybe careful to the point where I can't speak. Uh. Tricky when that happens, it's like great story that I cannot tell. I'm gonna go there. I think it's fine. Also like, yes, this is, I kind of, most of the things I think are fair game.

It's like, I'm not naming names. If you're in my life and something crazy happened, I might have reflections and I might share them on the pod. Oh my god. If I think they're of value. I think it's, I think it's, it's my civic duty to you guys. Harry deserves to hear this sort of stuff. But I know somebody who has had to, well not had to,

but has decided to quit their job because all of their friends working with them are facilitating this kind of going out and getting on it, basically like a drug problem that they're finding really hard to break beyond. Like it's almost like if everyone in your social circle no matter where you turn your friends and your work are like facilitating something in you that is not really healthy or helpful mmm it is really difficult to see outside of that I don't find it really

crazy to quit the job yeah that's like whoa okay it's a serious problem yeah sorry to that person. Everything's okay. Sorry to that person, yeah. They're not listening, I really doubt it. If you're listening, that was actually to podmits. Kind of weird, yeah. It's like, what are you doing here? Red flags, is that it?

Is that what you clicked on? Yeah, I agree. I think having, I think it, your life can only be made better by having people around you that you trust that can be like, oh, do you think that's a bit weird? Or like, you know, your feedback, oh, I waited an hour for him to meet me in the park or whatever and your friend says, eek, okay, let's just keep an eye on that sort of thing. Really, really helpful because I know a lot of people kind of, you can just gaslight

yourself out of things or yeah, just take it in and just be like, I can deal with that. You know what I almost feel like, it's not that they can make your life better, it's that not having it is really dangerous actually. It's not an addition, it's not a nice addition to the life, it's actually I think a network, a community of people you trust is actually an essential human need and not having it is actually really leads down terrible roads. I mean connection with other people, and like safety in your community

is literally physically a human need, but it's also, like you say, it's one of the first tricks of abusers is to separate you from everyone that loves you. Like immediately, that's their only kind of, that's the only thing getting in the way of them being able to really tear your life up is all of those people in their life

who are gonna try and hold you accountable. So as soon as they can kind of isolate you and get you on your own. Yeah. Yeah. You're in danger. Danger ahead or whatever you said. Yeah. Danger ahead. I sure hope it does. I am just eating the spaghetti. Sorry. Yeah, go on. Are there any other red flags? Oh my God. There's so many red flags. Do you have any that like come to mind? I would say things that move too quickly is something to really watch out for like a love bombing This is one of my favorites Because I also think this it maybe comes down to the same thing It speaks to an emptiness in the person's life sometimes like if there is a desire

to like move really quickly and like Suddenly like we've made for a week and now we talk every day, all day, the whole thing is like, wait, what were you doing before? Did you just have a void? Were you waiting for someone? You wanted just to speak all day and you weren't. What were you doing? There's so many more red flags within that, but that's the one that specifically would bother me. It's like, wait, who were you before this then if now this is your whole thing? That to me is slightly scary. It speaks to like, in a love bombing situation it speaks to an immaturity from that person

of like, they're almost just trying to tick a box with you and it's obviously just like, they're just trying to manipulate you. They're trying to like inflate, they're trying to pump, they're trying to like inflate they're trying to pump the they're trying to like I mean overfill the level of actual investment that you have so that they can maybe get away with more with you or these sorts of things but I think it is to a vulnerable person so hard to yeah someone's telling you they love you yeah totally I love Taylor Swift she says a con man sells a full a get love quick scheme And I love that concept concept get love quick scheme. Are you joking? It's so fucking good. That's really good. A con man sells a full a get love quick scheme

Jesus that's enough. Like that's actually enough for me. That is so crazy, but that's exactly what it is Like yeah, and it is that tick a box thing. It's like it doesn't matter who it is I just have this person that that's it perfect. Tick the box and that's when that's when it is like yeah and it is that tick a box thing it's like it doesn't matter who it is i'll just have this person that that's it perfect tick the box and that's when that's when it is when you see someone being too attached to like the words and the identity like i really really really am skeptical i'm not skeptical what's the word apprehensive kind of what do i mean let me really think about this because it is it's really hard to talk about this as well without, because obviously like so much of my beliefs and our beliefs about this are framed through the experiences of people that are very close and people we know. Like the reason we have insights about these specific things is either because we've

lived them directly or it's harder to talk about when you're seeing patterns happen amongst like your circle. That is kind of why it's quite tricky to talk about. But like when I've seen people with like an overrun attachment with the idea of them being single, like they're not comfortable with the identity of being single. Like I know some people that I bumped into someone that I don't know that well anymore but I used to know them. And they said, it was like, how are you? Like kind of, oh my God, how are you? Sort of like normal conversation. And it was within, I'm not joking, 30 seconds. She was, I was seeing someone at the time and she, and I was like, oh, and she basically straight away was like, who are you with anyone? And I was like, oh no, not, not really. I'm like seeing someone and what about you? But this was literally within like 30 seconds. It was weird. Like,

why do you care more about someone that I'm dating other than me? Like the me like that's just quite weird. And then yeah, I was like, what about you? And she was like, Oh, no, I'm still single. Like really could barely say the word. And right I don't even know how to fucking say it. It is so heartbreaking the fact that that was almost like before how are you like are you where do you live are you happy? Who are you living with? What's your job? All of the stuff how are your family? Like all of this stuff the first thing that it jumped to was like and who are you with? Like not, oh no it wasn't even who are you with, are you with anyone? And it was about like getting over this line of like are you seeing someone, are you not?

Getting you marked off, I've had a boyfriend sort of thing. Basically and I could just feel the discomfort like literally oozing out of them having to say like I'm not with anyone and that is obviously there's so much pressure to... is there? That some people feel pressured to be in a relationship? Yeah sure. I cannot respect it. Like I find it so cringe. I actually find it so fucking cringe and I'm so sorry but I just find it so difficult. Like yeah what do I mean? I think I actually just find it so embarrassing. I think you mean what you're saying. Yeah I think you mean what you're saying and I do think that especially for example like you said you're

speaking about this one person, your relationship with them did get a little bit fractured because of these sorts of things where you had like really kind of like polar, like very different like core beliefs as people. Like I think a lot of things about them and the way that they acted and the things that they felt were important were not aligned with you necessarily. And you found that kind of hard to be around. Yeah.

I feel really mean. I actually feel really mean, but I actually do. I think I find it really difficult to be around someone that really overly prioritizes a relationship because it makes me feel like I'm in year five. And that's fair enough. I think the thing that I kind of get, generally as well, is that I think a lot of people, sometimes, this is the sad truth, it's kind of patient zero. It's like, I think sometimes, like, our insecurities are always spilling out onto other people and da da da da da. So for example, if someone, if I was around someone who started being like, fucking oh my god my brown hair, my brown hair, my brown hair, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I would probably start to feel a bit bad about myself with my brown hair and I might start to create some distance because it would

maybe annoy me. I would be like, oh you're making me think about things that I don't have to think about and it's annoying. Or like, it's difficult to deal with I think also especially if there's something where it's almost like that's kind of a specific one because it's like I don't have any more time in the day to think about being worried about what I look like that is we're at full capacity over here and I can't take on another thing but if someone was saying like I just need to learn a language have you learned a language yet have you learned a language it would piss me off I'd be like no I don't want to be made aware of these things that

you know there's always something to worry about or whatever and everyone's just everyone's got different things that they care about and blah blah blah I think that is particularly difficult because you have strong feelings about like women and their independence and the fact that they shouldn't be made to feel I think that is particularly difficult because you have strong feelings about women and their independence and the fact that they shouldn't be made to feel. I think I just want women to not, like. Yeah, you don't want women to feel like they have to

have this other thing. We just felt like a fucking conversation from the fucking 1950s. Like, why on earth are we talking about our husbands rather than what are you into? Our husbands, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like, why are we so,

oh well, John's been eating well at lunch like why are we talking like this? Yeah. Why don't we actually have a conversation about us when we are the ones that are friends here rather than have a conversation about these abstract men that neither of us are gonna you're not gonna meet this guy and I don't care that you're single it doesn't affect my opinion of you in any way. I just felt like it's um it's such a point. It just felt like it's the least interesting bit that's taking up 90% of the identity. I also think it's really really really sad.

If you're feeling a bit mean. I think it's worth saying as somebody who knows you that I can imagine if this person was handling their life differently or like if somebody came to you and said oh at the moment I'm feeling really insecure I feel like I've taken on a lot of pressure about like needing to find someone I don't have never had a boyfriend I don't I don't never had a relationship whatever I'm feeling a bit like kind of about it's making me feel weird that would be a different correct me if I'm wrong but I think that would be a different situation for you. That's iconic. Queen. There we go. Queen. But also I'm not asking people to spill their guts, like I'm really, I don't think that is... Spill their guts. Necessary. I kind of am. Like... I'm

not because I think it's like yeah you can be insecure and not have to say you're insecure, like yes fine. Okay I don't think you have to say you're insecure but if you ever see me on the street and you're insecure about something please share it. I would love to know. Oh my god of course. That's my bread and butter. Yeah exactly that's what I live for. I don love to know. Oh my god, of course. That's my red ambassador. Yeah I don't know. Maybe I've been too harsh to it just really annoyed me as an interaction. Let yourself live It's like it's your this is what I mean by you've got beliefs. Sorry. What we're gonna do sense you zip you up I'm just gonna say what I really think on the podcast every time I've done it since I've been like no It's also that to me I I feel like you're playing it safe if anything. I feel like I'm used to you going a bit more heavy, so but maybe that I'm just-

Well, sorry, look. Maybe I'm just sensitive. I do like this girl. I just felt really like- Desensitized. I just felt a bit like, oh shut up, but you don't have a boyfriend, I don't care. Yeah, it annoys you. I think you can own that it annoys you. What am I, like, do you know what I mean? It annoys you. Everybody annoys someone. Or I just sort of feel like, this is what i actually think guys. go on then. if you want one so fucking badly just go and get one. right. any old fucking guy. take it off. anything will do. what song is that? any

anything will do. any dream will do. joseph and the tony kelly joseph quote. okay that wasn't what i was expecting to reference. Also, I don't really like that advice, don't get me wrong. But like, just don't worry guys. I get what you're saying, yeah. I kind of don't, but you know, whatever. Right, well those are the red flags you need to avoid everybody. Yeah, it is actually.

Don't say we didn't warn you. Truly. I hope everyone's okay. Everyone's feeling good. Yeah. Sorry about the baguette I was eating the whole way through that. I'm pretty sure I've cut around it but if I haven't and you heard some... No, I mean chomp away.

Yeah, I hope you all enjoyed that. It is Christmas after all. It is the season and we're recording these all in one go and I needed to have my breakfast so... Yeah, absolutely. We're not all in one go but you get what I mean. Alright. We're doing four today, alright so... We're doing four today apparently. We'll see how that goes. This is the second of the bag. It's the second! So how is it for you? It feels like we're deterior four today. We're doing four today apparently. See how that goes. This is the second of the bag. It feels like we're deteriorating and that's why.

Okay, cool. Well, we let those jingle bells ring if you ask me. Mary Podmas. No, I know, I'm just saying we did let them ring. Okay, okay. Mary Podmas. Three, two, one. Mary Podmas. Wait Pug. One, two, Mary Podmas. Mary Podmas and a Harry New Year. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What's your perfect night? Is it curling up on the couch for a cozy, peaceful night in?

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