Goes Without Saying - rejection & ex-best friends: podmas #22

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

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Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Welcome back to Podmas episode 22. 22? What's behind the door today? It's a bit of loneliness and rejection. No, rejection and ex-friends. Ex-friends.

We're probably lonely as well. Yeah, probably. We'll add it into the mix. Rejection. Realistically. The umbrella term we're looking for today is rejection. Rejection was an explicit request. Someone messaged and said, I don't know if you're taking requests.

We are. But I'd love a reminder on rejection. I thought, we're always open for requests. door is always open guys always um at your service in fact so many of the topics have been from our instagram pretty much all of them we put out a thing we just put out like the other day our final call for podmas topics and this is one of those oh right i don't know where i mean you need a reminder should we just start with how are you what me personally yeah how are you um i'm good i had a whale of a time with you yesterday oh it was so nice so should we start with that should we talk about the fact our bones are aching yeah i felt like i'd work a marathon i felt like i'd run a marathon when i woke up

we well we did we did go ice skating oh we did so that's very true that might be um contributing but i don't think that was the main cause the main cause i think was the fact that we ran around for like two and a half hours looking for a gingerbread house to decorate national shortage i'm seeing because everywhere in this goddamn town was sold out of gingerbread houses we were literally we were like going door to door please let us stay at the end no room at the end no gingerbread houses here we were begging and begging and then at one point we walked past a shop and i saw one in the window i was like that and i jumped out of my skin and wing went and begged the sales assistant we can see it in the window please just have it and they said the box is empty i put on my cutest

face my cutest voice it wasn't hitting no they just said no they said no you can't have it it's empty not buying it gutting yeah it's like what so where did you put the innards then you were like did you eat them go on admit it you fucking ate the gingerbread house you slob you ate the gingerbread and you drank the syrup you ate the innards what's that and you drank the syrup i don't know oh you just made it up yeah it's not from anything it was giving a movie vibe you ate the innards and you drank the syrup you ate the innards it's not from anything. It was giving a movie vibe. It was like a movie movie. You ate the innards and you drank the syrup. You ate the innards. It's quite specific.

That's what I'm saying. It's weird of you to say. You ate the innards and you drank the syrup. No, that's what I was going to say to the sales assistant. Yeah, it's what I should have said. What I really, what I wanted to say was, do you think I was fucking born yesterday, lady? Let me into that fucking window. But what we actually said was. But what I actually said was.

Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Good, good, good, good said was thank you very much thank you so much looking your ass thanks so much no worry merry christmas and happy new year yeah yeah but we did make something you'll see what we came up with i think we're gonna save it maybe as the finale yes podmas yeah it'll be a nice christmas treat for the finale whatever that is yeah if you fancy seeing us well it's not irl but it's the closest thing to irl you're gonna get for the time being of like you know just a nice little bit of video content always on the instagram tiktok etc but that makes it sound like it's normal to me it's like i've seen some of the footage i have some of the videos on my face isn't normal it's an unhinged video of us we we don't build a gingerbread house just a bit of a spoiler

we make a gingerbread no no spoilers no spoilers no spoilers okay we make beep that out a gingerbread something you don't even know what it is i was kind of thinking i was thinking earlier when i woke up this morning and i was like let me just revisit some of that footage it's crazy it's almost like have we captured like a like a breakdown on camera do you know what makes me laugh about the videos it's very dark room with the flash on like so it makes it look oh that's so fucking funny it's like why are they in a pitch black room with this flash like it's crazy but yeah that'll be that that's the finale that's what this has all been building up to guys i know we've all been wondering that's what we're all we all have to look forward to um so anyway what about you how are you feeling i'm feeling good

i've been um kind of at a hobbit's party all day with the fiddles playing and the violins and kind of everything has been playing in my ears all day i've been at the the cafe that i'm working at there it was the like one year anniversary today and a folk band came in and i was god it was a buzz it was buzzing you were moving to the beat of the fiddle and it was making me speed up i was getting really crazy and chaotic but um now i'm i was hard, but now I'm feeling good again. And then I got you on your phone and I was like, I'm really sorry to do this to you, but I think we should do as many episodes as possible.

And I agree. We're going to finish Podmas today. Here we are. Yeah. But you're going to get, what, three more apps, but we're finishing it today. Yeah. For us. Oh dearly.

Right, anyway, everyone's so lonely. Rejection. Yeah, everyone's been rejected. What are we going to do about that? um right anyway everyone's so lonely rejection yeah everyone's been rejected what we can do about that um i think we acknowledge that it is just an inevitable part of life so true in fact just now in my crashing moment what was i doing i was watching maiden chelsea it's made in chelsea sydney at the moment they're all in sydney together oh wow it's incredible down under one a week one every day for a week. Wow. It's incredible.

Giving Sephie and Wayne. Yeah, really. They're doing Sidmers. Sidmers. Mickmers. And I was actually watching this guy. Like, there's quite a good looking Australian man on the show. He's been introduced a few.

She's got her eyes on somebody, guys. No, I haven't really. But, okay, so his name's Hugo. Okay. God. And I did actually look at his Instagram. He's got 7,000 followers and I thought, okay, so I wouldn't be completely lost in his DMs. Oh, no.

I would be, you know, I'd stick around at the top a little bit. Yeah. It wouldn't be, they're not flooded, I assume. No, I assume. But actually, I have kind of gone off him in the recent episodes. Okay. But there was a point where he was kind of getting turned down by someone or he was like proposing to someone oh shall we

do you want to like get married have another date oh jesus okay and they kind of shut him down no not proposing i was gonna say that's an ickable offense he was proposing shall we see each other again sort of thing okay and i was he's a very very good looking guy but i thought it was interesting to see the fear on his face as he asked this guy this question and i thought god everyone is so scared of rejection like yes he's kind of he's trying so hard this guy it's cool guy you're getting exposed have a cool laid-back energy australian energy when he asked this girl out yes ozzy ozzy ozzy love it he's australian he's from sydney good for him um and i just thought

it was interesting just you can kind of just see the fear flicker between behind his eyes so you're watching thinking hugo be real there's nothing to worry about look at you you're watching thinking, Hugo, be real. There's nothing to worry about. Look at you. You're a stud. I don't know if I'm thinking that. Sounds like you are. Sounds like you're thinking that. I'm thinking rejection is rife. And I'm also thinking, God, I can see someone. The fear of rejection bursts through any act of laid backness, I think.

Yeah, yeah. You can see it from a mile off i mean yeah you can sniff it it's like what's that a little bit of fear of rejection i smell i think can you smell that i can smell it for sure the stench um well i agree everybody has it i think it's um more than feeling like rejection is fucked because it's yeah it's such a shameful experience it's so like oh it's almost like the embarrassing it's the embarrassment that comes with it but i do think in that situation it's like i can imagine not just for hugo but i mean in any situation of rejection poor guy he's had like literally five minutes of screen time this poor guy that's all it needs for sephie it's like that's more than enough yeah a bit of

the accent caught my ear are you into that australian accent hell yeah yeah same what is anything any accent i mean yeah anything unusual anything unusual anything that you know you haven't seen what was i gonna say yeah it's one of those things where it's like fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself but it is a bit like the fear of rejection is so intense and actually it's one of those things where when you zoom out you can get through it i keep saying at the moment guys i don't know if you're hearing me but what i'm really trying to put out there for you and i hope you're picking it up is that i'm saying like you are resilient enough to deal with all of these things that you're scared of like

you're so scared of rejection so normal you're so scared of not being good enough that's so normal you're so scared of being on your own and being a failure and not living up to all these things that you want for yourself and that's so normal but i promise you when the shit comes in life you will get through it and you have no choice but to get through it but also you're incredibly capable of getting through it and i think it can be quite easy to slip into like the way of thinking of like oh shit if you know that can't happen that can't happen and it's like okay you know levels of anxiety here probably it won't happen but even if it did you can handle it and it's like okay you know levels of anxiety here probably it won't happen but even if it did you can handle it and i think the idea of all these horrible things

is actually more horrible than the reality and if the reality is you have some shitty few months you have a hard week you have a really uncomfortable afternoon with somebody you can get through that and then you'll be fine yeah and i think give yourself all the credit for all of the hard things you've already done people can do hard things you can do hard things i believe in you wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment and not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap.

Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay.

I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer. and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple.

Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com You can. monetize their podcasts everywhere a-cast.com you can i think it also just you saying that kind of um made me think instantly of a thing that i've also been putting out and i do hope you've been picking it up because i feel like i've been laboring the point yeah of it's hard not to 24 days jesus i mean there's only so much every point we make is laboured these days.

There's only so many points to go around, Jesus. I know, exactly. But the point is, it's like, okay, so if you actually tune into the feeling of rejection, it's probably a tummy ache. It's probably a bit of a stab in the heart. It's a sinking feeling in your belly. Just death by a thousand cuts, no big deal. It's just a tummy ache. Yeah, no, you can handle it. It's a heavy heart. It's like a feeling in your belly. Just death by a thousand cuts. No big deal. It's just a tummy ache.

Yeah, no, you can handle it. It's a heavy heart. It's like a lump in your throat. Okay, that's actually not that bad. But the fear of it is like it's life-ending mortification in front of everyone. Everyone is judging me. Everybody knows it. It's like, actually, it's a tummy ache.

It's the fight. It's the devil's snare, guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I speak like a cunt. But I hope you can decipher. It's the devil's snare guys i'm sorry i'm sorry that i speak like a cunt but i hope you can decipher if the devil's please read between the lines of what i'm saying i'm saying devil's devil's snare but what i mean is yeah that's just the shorthand of relaxing to just go with the internal language yeah don't let it kill you fast no kill us now i can relax.

If you just accept, I'm going through a shit time. I really like someone. They weren't into it. It's embarrassing. I like them more than they like me. That's fucking embarrassing. I feel shit. Okay, but I can accept that.

Rather than deny, deny, deny, I have to leave town immediately. Internalise, internalise. Yeah. Pretend it isn't happening. Push this away. Those aren't really options. If you want to live a happy life i don't think it is burying anything is never going to get you anything because it's the thing that we also lay with the point of if you don't have that

relationship with yourself like the self-acceptance of the truth of like okay maybe i like this person more if you don't have that you don't really have anything you need to have the relationship with yourself if that's based on denial you've lost anyway what are your thoughts on ex-best friends and friendship breakups and the like yeah so someone messaged saying they recently broke up with their oh no they had they what was it they were ghosted by someone like four years ago their friend and they haven't um that they always think about it or something which was kind of the inspiration for this but i've like thrown my phone across the room and i can't i can't you know be bothered but thank you so much so yeah i was just i was trying to think about that i don't think any friendship breakups come to mind but i do think they're a necessary part of life in a way.

I think outgrowing people is likely essential maybe to growing up. And like, it's very, very, very unlikely that the people you meet throughout your life are like all going to stick around. And if you have close relationships in a lot of the settings that you find yourself in, And if you have close relationships in a lot of the settings that you find yourself in at school, at work, at uni, at parties, whatever, you form like bonds with people, which is probably the meaning of life. It's pretty likely that some of those things, as you make new decisions and choose new things, will fade away. And like some of those don't necessarily feel like breakups, but I think they can be so fucking painful to have like an end of like we were really close and now we're cutting it like that is the end of it especially because not against your will but like if that was somebody else's decision yeah that they and it

will usually be because of something like it won't be oh we've just faded we fizzled apart sort of thing like there's no need to end that so brutally it will most likely be because of like a betrayal or like a decision that was made or something yeah i think as well in this in the vein of like the resilience i think having some faith in almost like your future it's like you've still got you've got a long life left to live guys like there's so much more ahead of you obviously that means there are so many amazing people that you can't wait to meet and who are gonna love you and you're gonna have so much fun but also people if it's right they may re-enter your life and you can have more experiences and more time with them um yeah and i almost think i don't know it's a tough one because it's i guess i'm thinking in like two different avenues of like a relationship ending because things weren't great

and so it's right for it to come to an end but then kind of off the back of that message it seems like oh that person's like missing that person yeah they're missing their friend but they feel like they can't have them in their life anymore and the word ghosted they've been ghosted and it all kind of feels a bit like there's a lack of closure there's maybe some confusion it's a bit of a sour taste but like there's some kind of love there that you're unable to share it's like this displacement of that love it's like oh but i've still got all this love for you and now i have nowhere to funnel it like i was giving you all that love and now almost like i'm not allowed to anymore and i think and if it felt unjust like the cutting i feel like the cutting of the thing like the basically the breakup i feel like the thing people really struggle to move on from

is when something feels like it was unfair and then it's like i won't it that breeds like a rumination on it and all of that like you think and think and think and it's like it was unfair and then it's like i won't it that breeds like a rumination on it and all of that like you think and think and think and it's like what was it and they won't give you an answer i feel like that is a recipe for not a good thing yeah i feel like there's a level of um almost like thinking about your ex-best friend as your roman empire like that there's a level of like having um kind of you know people coming to mind and you having well wishes sent to them telepathically in your life like you think of things people cross your mind you think oh i hope they're good you move on with your day and i think because the kind of ex-best friend thing

and just like friendship breakups with women anyway it's like it's so kind of murky the water and the territory and i think it's one of them things where there's a lot of shame around it and almost the value that we put on our friendships is so different to romantic relationships that obviously when a romantic relationship ends it's oh god they're going through a breakup crack the ice cream out it's bridget jones time but when it's a friendship like everyone comes together exactly friendship bracelet is a bit like you almost friendship bracelet did i say friendship bracelet is like i mean the friendship bracelet god i don't know if you did though no i probably did um a friendship breakup is more like i feel like you're kind of um dismissed a little

bit more and it's like you know there's also maybe a bit of pride there of like you can't necessarily acknowledge how hurt you are yeah i would say there's like a real like maybe let's normalize the idea that people can cross your mind and you can have pleasant you know good good thoughts and feelings towards them and be going about your day and it's all nice and healthy and just because somebody isn't in your life anymore doesn't mean it's like right sign seal delivered don't think about you anymore now i hate curtains closed yeah oh god it doesn't have to go from love to hate oh god i hope not no no no i hope not i also think with relationships because they are most of the time monogamous relationships that you have one and then you

end it you have one then you end it then you have one and you end it whatever then you have one whatever whatever the fucking pattern is but with friends it's like because you have so many of them to have an ending of one you don't have to end one to move on to the next one that's not the the rules of the society the rules are you have as many as you want and then you have some close ones and some not close ones whatever and it's supposed to fluctuate so the idea of one ending feels like but that doesn't why like that isn't that you might there must be like a fundamental issue it's not just like oh we're slightly incompatible so we just won't hang out as much as we did it's like something's happened or like we're seeing things from

different angles and we can no longer be friends it just almost feels quite dramatic but i think that is also the thing that makes it more painful because it's like that didn't have to happen i think it can be literally like you were saying at the beginning just the simple facts of life of things change people grow there are different phases there are different seasons habits and literally took the words out of my mouth prepare to diamond anybody know where that's from any hands let's open up to the class yeah anyone know if you know who this is well it's only the world's first comparison coach i see a hand back in the back of the class it's lucy bloody sheridan's that her name yeah the world's first comparison coach um we were going to start a bit of a bit where we start saying we're the the second and third world the second and third comparison coaches and kind of come from her brand.

Which we love, by the way, Lucy Sheridan. Yeah, we're obsessed. You're out there. Well, we reference you almost, because you're like fucking hard literature for us. Yeah, you're cited often on the Go's Without Tanks podcast. But it's true. So basically what she's saying there is, if it's not clear, along vein to devil's snare etc we might have to explain this think of a diamond shape goes in goes out it's in at the point comes out goes back in in out in out etc

shake it you could shake it all about if you wanted so you and your friends you're in you're out you come back together for the point of the diamond you might spread out once again and then you come back together for the point of the diamond. You might spread out once again and then you come back together for the point of the diamond and again and again. And it can just be as simple as that really. Yeah. As long as you feel good in yourself, you feel confident and almost like if you have fucked up, don't, we don't need, you know, how much guilt and shame do we need guys? Like it's okay to, you know, I made a made a mistake or like oh i handled some things a bit badly in that relationship and it kind of broke down in a way that i wouldn't have liked and i've learned some things and now i'm going to move on and almost like even if you haven't had a

conversation with them where forgiveness has been exchanged i think you forgiving yourself is really important to move on yeah and carry on living a happy life i also would just put out there that it's also never too late to reach out to someone even if it's like okay so that was a breakup that happened five years ago ten years ago whatever it's like yeah actually life is short it actually is and friends are nice to have they are really nice and would recommend people are very valuable like if someone is reaching out to you to say sorry for something blah blah it's on you whether you forgive them or not but i also think reaching out to someone that like we almost do these things out of habit it gets to a point where it's like you can't even really remember what the thing is about but it's like it's just

habit that we're not friends anymore it's just a habit but it's like actually life is fucking short and i would say reach out to the person if you want to open yeah if you want someone in your life yeah um yeah okay cool well it's 22 promise 22 god she's she's in and out she's out of here jesus uh she goes on a sleigh we got all the hits in there we We've got Devil's Snail. We've got Prepared to Die. Honestly. I'm already on a comedown from that. Yeah, let's throw in a Nobody's Coming Harry.

Nobody's Coming Harry. If you don't hear from us, assume we slayed too hard. you