Goes Without Saying - rejections and heartbreak: #DUMPHIM2020

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

in your feelings? it's not you, it's us. in this episode of Goes Without Saying we (sephy & wing) break down the cultural reset that is heartbreak: discussing your stories on breakups and rejection, lies, cheating and pregnancy... are situationships more traumatic? are you still ~fRiEnDs~ with your ex? is it DUMPHIM szn? we love to see it. speak your mind on our instagram! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello guys and welcome to Hire Priestess. I'm Persephone. And I'm Erin. And today we're talking about breakups and I'm absolutely gutted because we've just got 10 minutes into this and I realised I didn't have my headphones in so I'd kind of fucked up the whole situation. You could hear Erin talking over my... Oh, I'm an idiot. So we're starting all from the beginning. The situation's a little tense right now. Tensions are running high with Sefi. Honestly, I've got a guilty, The situation's a little tense right now. Tensions are running high with Sefi. Honestly, I've got a guilty, guilty tummy. Like a little naughty child.

And I feel really sad about it because it's like, oh, I've really just fucked up not putting headphones in. And I only realised because Erin said... I was talking to you guys and I said, you listening with your little headphones. And I went, we have to start again. We have to start again. I haven't got the headphones in I fucked everything I'm so sorry which we're gonna get which we're gonna get on to which is

what we were discussing about breakups um so today yeah we're talking about breakups and we're here we're restructuring your self-perceptions it's smart going to there I've said this before you've seen the branding you've seen our bio you know what's going on here i was shook by some of the stories i was like truly i was ready to before you start feeling ashamed you are all honestly living one joint life yeah fully the shared experiences that are happening in our dms right now it's insane yeah unlike anything i've ever seen and i can see mirrored within my not well some of within my own life and some within people i know's life and things like that some of you are making very dumb decisions but that's fine we're here to help i'm not angry i'm just disappointed i'm so disappointed in myself and you um so we're gonna read them and we're

gonna call you out and we're gonna call ourselves out so i'm gonna read out the results of the polls take it away i'm hanging on the edge of my seat as if i haven't just heard 10 minutes of them already the guilt has never been no like my dad has facetimed me during the first recording like we've had a lot of stops and starts all all my fault no it's not your fault it's not your fault oh yeah and i need to tell you about this hot gardener at some point i've fallen in love oh my god yeah well tell me about the hot garden now no no i want to hear it now quite a nice break okay we'll switch up the rhythm because we've already heard all these polls so i messaged erin the other day yesterday i think saying when we're next recording remind

me the words hot gardener and I didn't I completely forgot I know and I've only just remembered I literally took it in hot gardener I went whoosh straight out of my mind never to be thought of again well there's a hot gardener hot gardener fill us in so why are you looking around your room as if I was like who's at the door um so I live on a road where I would say there's an old woman that lives opposite me kind of an elderly an elderly woman okay never seen any hot gardeners in her house before right I think she's got her grandson or something doing her gardening oh yeah it's hot and he looks like Alex Petiver oh my god it's weird because I was thinking of him the other day.

From Stormbreaker. Well, I don't really know if that's where I knew him from. But I was thinking of him, bizarrely. Well, he's outside my house. So I'm trying to make contact, but I don't know how to do it. I'm thinking... Social distance contact.

If you guys have got any idea, I'm thinking, do I leave a note? Do I? Maybe you should leave some weeds around for him to pick up. Exactly. I'm thinking, how can I initiate sort of... How do you entice a gardener? Weeds?

Totally. Weeds and seeds, I've heard. So I'm trying to initiate some quarantine romance. So I'm trying to... If you guys have got any ideas, hit me up. The hot gardener. The hot grandson gardener. How often is he out and about gardening?

I would say all day, every day. Wow. Is he there right now? Is he there now? Shall I look? Yeah. I'll look. No, he's not there.

He's in direct eyeline of my bedroom. So it's a real kind of... Oh, well, that's one way to entice him. Taylor Swift in that music video where she holds up the yeah the boards yeah yeah i'm kind of thinking that sort of vibe is might go on so that's the hot garden news if anyone's got any tips i would love to hear them i'm obsessed same i'm kind of actually i'm obsessed but i'm thinking do we read your heartbreaking questions now yeah yeah move swiftly from hot gardener to your own heartbreak yeah our hearts

have been filled now tear them apart yeah because that's what you want to hear of your heartbroken there's a hot gardener outside my house so we asked very casually first question ever been heartbroken we didn't say you that have you ever we said ever been heartbroken keeping it casual and 82 of you said yes hundreds of you a lot right yeah literally hundreds I'm looking now that's insane we're all a heartbroken lot around here we're moping through life god the second thing we asked you we said a relationship ending that was never official is that not as bad or is that more painful and 58% of you think that's more painful 58% of you think that's more painful. 58% of you think a situationship ending is more tough on your heart than a relationship ending. Very interesting. Oh you've had it here first. After

a breakup do you block them or do you stay friends? God please tell me please tell me what I want to hear. Honestly 63% of you block them but that leaves 37% of you staying friends which I have so many thoughts on because I mean I find that hard to believe define friend to me at this point but we'll get on to it this is the one that we were just discussing and we have many thoughts before I fucked up and it's I would rather we asked you would you rather be the dumper or the dumpee 77 percent of you say you'd rather dump them yeah that leaving 23 percent of you saying you'd rather be dumped still hundreds of you saying you'd rather be done hundreds literally hundreds are lying to me and saying you'd rather be done lying to our fucking face on our own fucking pole and i won't stand

for it. So that's a very interesting stat and we'll get onto that. Yeah. Because either you're masochists or you're liars. And I think you're liars. So we'll move on. That's the official diagnosis. Yeah.

The next thing we asked was, in the past when I have been dumped, I either saw it coming or was shocked. And this was very split down the middle. It was a hung jury. so 55% of you saw it coming and 45% of you were shocked interesting I find that one really interesting I think that's interesting because is it about self-awareness or is it about um kind of a mutual yeah it's really or is it just like men's betrayal of women constantly there's so much

i can't wait yeah and then we asked you about your worst breakup stories and how you get over a breakup and you sent in some amazing stories and we're gonna get into them crazy crazy crazy so when i asked do you think it's more painful for a situation ship to end than something official ending i thought yeah they're gonna say that's more painful for a situationship to end than something official ending? I thought, yeah, they're going to say that's more painful. And then when the poll first went live, everyone was like, no, it's not as painful, it's not as painful. And I was like, oh shit, all right, fair enough. I misread the room.

But then my people came in and they said, yeah, it's way more painful. And I thought, okay, because I... So you think a situationship ending is more painful? I think people would say a situationship would be more painful because of the lack of clarity because there's a lack of clarity and because it's almost well there's so much there but I think a lot of it would be kind of the what if of like something's ending before it's even started it feels quite unfair yeah and I think relationships ending will often feel unfair particularly if you didn't see them coming but i think if it's one that was never really an official quote-unquote relationship

it's so unfair yeah and it does feel it does feel like it's ending out of fear yeah it's premature yeah it feels very strange when a situation ship ends because it's kind of like we never even something is ending and we never even really gave it a chance. So it does feel incredibly like premature. And I think then you really don't see it coming. I think there's there's more room, more scope to not see that coming. Because you kind of don't see anything because you're both working from separate totally separate realms and shedding just the slightest bit for each of you to pick up when you're in the seeing each other stage nothing literally everything is left unsaid everything you have no idea what the other

person's thinking yeah you have no idea what the person's thinking in the relationship let alone in the breakup yeah oh my god it's so fucking true the whole thing is such a blur so that's why i originally thought yeah they're gonna think that's more painful because i reckon there's a lot of it that is painful more painful i also feel with the ending of a situationship so i had an ending of a situationship i would say quite a while ago now but it hit me really quite hard i mean it hit me quite hard i remember where i was when i heard the news oh i remember being where i was i was about to watch the handmaid's tale and i got as many people will know to be the long text the the long long text that you get in your heart just sinks and it's horrific and i was about to watch the handmaid's tale and i never

fucking finished the handmaid's tale because now it makes me feel a bit sick i remember lying in my friend's bed and i never am a hugger i never really let anyone touch me and i had both my friends sort of hugging me and i was sob sob sobbing away um and then you came back and i was like we were supposed to go to a party that night i was like i'm not going i'm not i was literally like running with all my might up the road on my way home like oh my god i need to get back like phone honestly phone call like it was like you'd gone into labor or something it was like right it was getting there get in there and shut it down all hands on deck yeah kind of like we knew that would be bad but boy was it bad like also i don't think i as we know

from all of the things i've said in this podcast, I've always been, I don't want a relationship. This was the one that I've spoken about before that changed my mind about me maybe wanting a relationship. And oh my God, it hit me so hard when it ended. And I think it was hugely because of the lack of communication and clarity that is just inherent in a situationhip because you just don't you just don't discuss things in that way there's no openness that there would have to be in a relationship you've made no commitment in that way that is just a huge confusion from beginning to

end yeah it's it's such a weird thing when that ends because you're just like oh it honestly made me feel so sick and i was so upset. Well, it's all up for interpretation and obviously you interpret the worst because as we said earlier, which you guys didn't hear, you will always seek out the evidence that you're looking for. You'll find the evidence

for whatever you choose to believe. Exactly. And if you choose to believe they never liked you and I don't know, they were using you, not what I thought, but if you come up

with some narrative you're gonna find the evidence you're gonna go through the backlog of info that you have file it through and think oh well that one thing he said there that's because of that like yeah you're gonna find it totally i really am thinking in life not just about this topic but just about everything the more and i think coronavirus sorry to trigger anybody ever heard of coronavirus what's that i think this is made me confront this because i've always known this but it's making me confront it i think a bit more directly is that i'm really thinking and feeling at the moment as though so much of life is really not about you which i know sounds silly so fucking true yeah really you are just a number and i am just a number and everything is just a

number and you're kind of an amalgamation of the statistics that make you who you are and none of it really is about who you are because you could be anything really in your mind yeah but externally you function as kind of the postcode of where you were born yeah and your bank balance and your skin color and your gender and beyond that there's not really much scope for anything else to yeah completely play in do you get what i'm really thinking at the moment like god people really see themselves as the protagonist of their universe baby no honey no like you read it wrong honestly you read it wrong god never met you god doesn't know you and moreover god doesn't exist like we're starting from the different pages if we're going there like i just think i think people think that everything is so personal and it's such a direct everything's either a direct attack or like a direct consequence of

their achievements like everything is about you no nothing is about you yeah this was already decided probably way beyond the scope of your existence yeah i completely fucking agree i had kind of an epiphany the other night where i realized that every single major life event that's happened in my life good or bad or not even good or bad pleasant or unpleasant i'll say um was completely not a result of any conscious effort of myself yeah every major thing that's happened to me so i don't even know big life events major arcana but yeah they've all been major arcana cards if you understand tarot at all they've all just been i have not made any effort towards them so meeting my best friends getting into this specific uni that i didn't even know i wanted like all of

big life events i have had no say ever in those they've never been all the things i've worried about and sort of stressed over and tried to kind of orchestrate myself yeah they're not big they're nothing to me now i just really think people massively overestimate the power that they have of their own lives like you are not the puppeteer i'm sorry to say like you have zero control yeah very much when it comes to how you're perceived and the narrative that you've sold yourself is bollocks exactly i think i think there are lots of things that you do have control over as an individual but i largely think that this world functions with just a load of

numbers a load of digits and they all just play out however they were set up to I think the minute you were born as Raynan says no child asked to be born classic quote you didn't ask to be born I mean if you did let me know how you did that because I'm I'm shook like you didn't ask to be born and yet here you are kind of going about your life like what are the chances that you're kind of mirroring what your friends are doing what are the chances that you kind of found common interest with that person who has a similar upbringing to you what are the chances that your life is following this pretty cohesive narrative that to be honest you could have written at nine months old you could have understood and

and projected that you could have yeah you it could have been a premonition and here it is playing out totally completely in the same way i know this is not about breakups but I've been really thinking about it a lot it's so true that I completely agree I've kind of been thinking the same thoughts in my own head but we haven't discussed that that's cute yeah nice funny our joint life yeah but that is so it's so true it's literally you have zero control anyway so the narrative that you've imposed on yourself was even things like I'm a creative person you were just told that you liked art when you were three and that's just stuck with you if you just cancel that out now and think what do you really enjoy doing it might be creative

things but it might be something completely different the narratives are so oppressive that we have kept on ourselves I watched a YouTube video the other day as I do watch many YouTube videos and it was actually about this girl and she was saying i am just not a creative person i'm just so not a creative person and i just thought what fucking narrative are you fulfilling here you know what i find even worse than that and i recently thought god i hate that are you a morning person or a night person insane what so now you're never gonna work in the morning because you've convinced yourself that you're not a morning person so you're never gonna try that again insanity it's absolutely insanity pathetic look what you've done to yourself yeah you've cut

out like the whole first half of your day oh i'm just such a night out what's who never gonna have a healthy sleeping pattern ever again it's insane it's not making these crazy decisions about yourself big old labels weighing down on you why don't you just live a little and then see why don't you just give it five minutes and then see what happens yeah literally oh it's so true no rush i also was speaking to my friend the other day and she was like i just gotta focus on my career at the moment i just want to focus on my career at the moment for the next i don't know my 20s i just want it all about my career it's like oh shut up just shut your fucking mouth you don't need to do 20s, I just want it all about my career. It's like, oh, shut up. Just shut your fucking mouth. You don't need to do that.

Are we just assholes? This whole thing is like, coronavirus just made me think I'm a cunt. So fucking true, though. Because it's like, you don't need to impose a narrative on an entire decade of your life about this is about my career, then my 30s are going to be about finding true love. Shut the fuck up. Just live your life. It's like, you're 22 years old fucking hell it's all gonna play out without your knowledge anyway time is ticking time is passing and things are happening things are just happening and they're

not within your control you fucking idiot you know what made me think it and it was coronavirus sorry it's like word vomit i can't stop saying it coronavirus coronavirus covid 19 yeah um was that i was thinking of course people are acting the way they're acting in so many different ways because that's just their role in society like of course i listen i hate to say it of course mr cummings is doing what he's doing because the world told him that that's okay yeah if you're not familiar with the uk politics a conservative uh you don't to be honest you actually don't even need to know just fuck the tour but let's just say the rich will function as the rich and the poor will function as the poor and everything in between will be harmony and chaotic and you will have no control and that is just that but i also think that should

not stop people from fucking tearing down the rich from their fucking disgusting houses rip them down kill them eat them alive doesn't make any in that order makes no sense but i honestly fucking the fact that life is playing out in this very predictable way for each of us individually and on like a global level shouldn't stop us from having to find some kind of autonomy in the situation. Because I do think the narratives. I think what's important is I'm not saying you have no autonomy to just give up with your life like you may as well die. yeah i'm saying understand the things that you have no control over and almost be so just click your fingers and just be so self-aware that you can see the situation that you've been placed into and then you can pick and choose what you want to change what you want to have in your life totally don't convince yourself that you're doing what you're doing because you wanted it if you

don't don't convince yourself that you have characteristics that you perceive to be negative because because you're just a shit person no it's not about you it's not about you you were brought here against your will and now you're dealing with the consequences what have you been here like 20 years you're still getting used to this fucking weird world like you're just looking around thinking what the fuck is going on here literally what is going on right now what is going on right now but i also think that's so fucking true because i always think this we've had many conversations about this relating to like um how people function in the world i.e like pretty privilege and things like that we've had many conversations about this as in you can decide to be pretty i know that sounds fucking insane but i've everyone's turning off everyone is like everyone's just happened unsubscribe like she just lost her

mind on tape but you literally can it's such a weird thing i honestly can picture days where oh my god i actually need to phrase this right i've seen people that are not objectively pretty function in the world as pretty people and i've seen people that are objectively pretty function in the world as ugly people it's so insane your narrative has so much control yeah you can see people who are conventionally unattractive posing in the world and benefiting from a privilege that doesn't naturally apply doesn't naturally dispose to them it's insane it's an insane thing to witness because so i know someone that very much functions in the world a very popular pretty person who kind of gets all the privileges of like a conventionally attractive

person and I remember saying oh my god they're just so pretty of course because they're so pretty and someone said to me I don't think they're pretty and it was such a strange moment where I thought oh my god you've literally I know attractiveness is objective but it's also not to a certain level it's not society has imposed ideals well you can either be conventionally attractive or not that is just plain there are completely patriarchal horrific ideas imposed on women and looking at someone and thinking they apply to those rules and realizing they don't they just occupy the world as if they do have those things it's such a strange thing when you realize the narratives you've told about yourself if that person told themselves i don't they just occupy the world as if they do have those things it's such a strange thing when you realize the narratives you've told about yourself if that person told themselves i don't

have these features that allow me to access this privilege they wouldn't be accessing the privilege it's mad that's the thing we say this all the time often so often the narrative and the perceived narrative surrounding a situation are often so much more significant and hold so much more weight than the reality and they're often very different you can trick people you can scam you can scam the world you can manipulate the whole world it's so fucking true because the whole world has manipulated you into thinking that you're nothing and you're just an insignificant nothingness it's honestly one of the biggest lessons of life that i realized is you genuinely if you pretend to be anything

people fucking start to believe it well you can tell the world who you are this is not about breakups i know should we start on break should we reel it in yeah we're 20 girls well that those are just some life lessons so i just want to read a few of the questions one that was really good that we both are quite hooked by yes one that said i was ghosted by a guy who said he was in love with me short and sweet short and sweet i like this one because well i don't like it i hate that for you but i just wanted to discuss how often men say, honestly, everything but the truth. Like, they will do whatever they need to do to keep you wherever they want you to be. Yeah.

Fully. I'm in love with you. In love with you. We just met. Yeah. The thing that struggles with me, that I, it's like, and you believed them. And you believed them. Yeah.

Where's my pity? Well, because we're, we were brought up to be wanted so bad. Yeah. That you just want to be approved. If you're not coming from such a perspective of lack, of you're desperate for that love, you're not going to accept it in such um scrappy places maybe i'm just jaded but someone says to me i'm in love with you i'm going no you're not or beyond that i'm saying show me because i don't see no love i see like a weird

little guy with scrappy little nails scrappy little dappy do this is the thing do you know what i mean i'm saying if i can't see the love happening there's no point telling me well i don't believe you well also it's do you understand the word because there's the love languages which you can we can easily get into of the show me how you express your love and also the idea there's that book all about love which that says in it that love is a verb yeah and it's like yeah love is a doing word it's an active word it's not about um it's not this feeling this abstract feeling it's you have to be showing that to be experiencing that it's not a feeling internally for you just on your own that you can have you have to be showing it i think it is as well but it's complex but i think you cannot be saying someone i love you without that

being manifesting itself in the actual physical world in some way and expect any response so he's saying he's in love with you but he's showing you that he won't text you for a couple of days and just disappear and when you see him he'll make you feel worse about yourself so where is the love how where is he in love with you please show me where is the love people loving people dying children hurting can't hear them crying no no you can hear them crying children hurting hear them crying oh can you practice what you preach or did you turn the other cheek father father father we're gonna get copyrighted stunning yeah i think that's a really interesting one i think i do you think men say i love you more than women oh i would love to know oh i would love to know i would love to know genius how can that poll ever exist yeah exactly i don't have enough men to ask

i reckon boys say i love you yeah the as people say the love bomb i reckon that's like such a manipulative tool that men know they can use a lot of men obviously hashtag not all men which we've been getting a few messages saying not also like yes but not all men obviously goes without saying um but i do think um systemically in the large picture of the world um saying i love you men have watched enough rom-coms have seen enough of patriarchal society to know that women will do whatever for you if they say that to you also just going back and talking about the larger picture of course it's not all men but yes it is all men because think of how men function in the world as in you're not just a man you're a number and part of being a man is part of

your statistics that make you who you are so yes all men that's what i'm talking about this is not your individual actions of whether well i've never done that well my friends don't do that i don't fucking care i'm not talking to you literally how dare you come to this page and say that honestly how the fucking audacity to come to a page of women discussing their own individual experiences and come in with not all men do you understand the patriarchy because yes all men are allowed to function in a way that women could never could never idiot go get a history book go to a history class go to a gcse history that's the thing they don't have that they can't comprehend they don't have the range to comprehend oh i'm getting out my coconut oil i need to put something all right we're gonna stop you there we've got a mid-roll advert lovely very exciting

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They're so cute and that's what would have sold me on them anyway and they're good for you. My hair's thriving, my skin's thriving, my nails are thriving. I'm thriving in life really. Your world will change. So if you're interested, which I would highly highly recommend that you are, you can get 20% off of your first subscription which includes the omega-3 gummies with the code priestesspodcast. Thank us later and thank you so much v gums we absolutely love you i just find it incredibly juvenile to throw around i love you so so manipulative as well it's very year nine isn't it and also i think i'm particularly reserved with that word because it just holds such a significant weight.

Have you ever just seen a relationship that they clearly don't love each other? Clearly, it's very, very obvious. Like, you know they've cheated on each other. There's clearly very, like, little to no love in this situation. They're all made in Chelsea together. Honestly. And it's, love you, every minute.

Love you. Oh my God, love you. Don't, what are you doing? If this is anything, it's love you every minute love you oh my god love you don't what are you doing if this is anything it's literally a manipulation there's nothing more here than just a show yeah completely is there anything more distasteful than like performative love it's so grotesque honestly distasteful it's gross it's like tasting we're too classy to even entertain doesn't taste for that like but it truly is like disgusting oh grim so yeah if a man is telling you i love you just think about why why is he telling you that maybe it's because he loves you fine don't worry about me then don't

worry about me asking you that but if you're wondering why did he say i love you just pose the question and see what you come up with it's quite interesting to think why do they love me or why do they want me to say I love you because that it's kind of that whole thing like did you come it's like why do you want me to come for your ego or for me like do you want to love me for your ego or do you want to love me because you do like what is that rooted in it's an interesting question to unpack for you in your individual lives yeah because you're literally just there to serve you're literally just there to benefit them well i think that's important in what ways are you benefiting from the relationships that you're a part of

both romantic and you know in your friendships too and just in your sexual relationships just in life who's benefiting more from your company if it's not you if it's not you i think chances are it's not you yeah i think as a woman it's probably not you well if they've all said yeah i would rather i'd rather be the dumpy i'd rather get dumped so in what situation are you actually having a good time here it's so true like are you ever you don't need to be a martyr you don't need to live like that no one asked that of you no one asked of that of you what are you doing should we do another one yeah should we talk about the sort of there are a lot of things about birthdays cropping up yes i found this funny birthdays have been a recurring

theme everyone's getting dumped on their birthday everyone's getting dumped on their birthdays or inviting their boy their ex-boyfriend to their birthday. That's bizarre. It did make me think you're getting dumped on your birthday, maybe because everyone's just like a little bit arrogant on their birthday. And they're just like, fuck it, I can't be with you any longer. Like, I'm out of here. I'm breaking up with you. Genuinely, I need to not be near you on your birthday.

You're like, it's my big day. There's a level of cuntiness that accompanies somebody on their birthday that's just like, you know what, this is the final straw. And that's everyone's situation it's funny though that was such a recurring theme it kind of ties into the whole thing of like can you be friends with your ex blah blah blah i think which how many people said they could read they could be friends with their ex on our poll hundreds maybe the question is too vague could you be friends with your ex but yeah I would love to know in your experience what does being friends with your ex look like yeah totally because I think the level of self-awareness and kind of lack of ego and pride and the ability to lack to get rid of that narrative that you've built that needs to be there if you're going to be

friends in quote marks with your ex is not in most people most people cannot do not have the ability to shut off that part of themselves and have the open discussion the level of communications in most relationships i've seen it's not fucking good enough if you're going to be friends with zero pain yeah with your ex no i absolutely think that is a very interesting facet of everyone saying that yeah i think it's just a prime example as well of the narrative being holding more weight than the reality as in you've been told be friends with your ex be friends with your ex if you're mature enough you can be friends with your ex if there are no feelings about you can be friends

with your ex and it's kind of being the cool girl. Exactly. Why don't you just actually think about what you want and what is right for you and that other person? Because in what world does your specific scenario with two individuals match up and align to what the society is prescribing to you? It's a very rare and niche circumstance where that can play out healthily. Totally.

Yeah. Because also it's like, can you be friends with your ex, but are you sometimes having sex when you's like can you be friends with your ex but are you sometimes having sex when you're drunk are you friends with your ex or you're gonna be upset if they get married to somebody else like are you friends with your ex like you do know what a friend means what is everyone's issue with just having just being acquaintance you don't need to be up in everyone's business you don't need to have all these friends particularly when you've been sleeping with them for like two years it's none of your business and it's absolutely fine it's fine to just have people in the peripheries

of your life and you can smile at them and say hey if you see them genuinely you don't need to be in each other's fucking dms i think a lot of people are friends with their ex in a way they wouldn't want to admit and it's difficult to admit so i fully get that but i think a lot of people being friends with their ex is rooted in wanting to appear chill and cool and laid back and just know that he is benefiting from that situation more than you are on the grand scheme of life of patriarchal life he is benefiting from that way more than you definitely and also because you can keep tabs on them and it keeps you stuck in this passive cycle of watching his life go by and meeting him once every six months to have a chat about something it's like what is this why are you doing that

let's have a catch-up let's go for a coffee and have a catch-up oh you hate him you hate him yeah always on his terms yeah you're going where he wants to go when he wants to go and he's also going to tell you how amazing the new girl that he's sleeping with is so what part of that are you benefiting from i've seen so much unnecessary pain inflicted in the for the plight of being friends with your ex it's not worth it why you've got loads of other friends it's almost yeah if the relationship doesn't work out if you didn't secure that well you can secure the friendship afterwards still a win no the ultimate loss stop performing it seems so painful and i will always just be so pro block i think i'm pro block because the majority of people probably need to block to get over and then once you're over it if you want to be friends that's absolutely fine totally but in i think in most cases you can't in the immediate stages in the immediate stages of a breakup of course you can't go and

sit in fucking um pizza express with them literally don't be a fucking idiot you think you can eat dough balls with this idiot no well also it's like you got into you met this person under the pretense that you would be romantic with this person so why would you continue a dynamic that was never there to begin with you don't function as friends completely remove the sexual desire from the situation remove all sexual energy from the from the situation what now you're just two people that know each other in a completely different context you came to know each other and settled into the flow of a romantic relationship. That didn't necessarily work.

So what makes you think that you can then settle into the completely foreign flow of just being friends? That's not where you found yourself in the beginning. So why would that be the case now? That if you were born to be friends with that person, you got along. You probably would be friends already. Completely that. Completely that. Oh my God, it's completely fucking that. Yeah. earth why on earth for the show and because you've been told that that's what you should what's expected

of you to be like a complicit young woman who can just accept that you know he was going through a time all of you are saying oh my god he had mental health problems and blah blah every single one saying that that's the justification every time oh let's get into it because it's so complex i just i'm sorry i wasn't around i was just been busy i've just had some things going on like i'm sorry i wasn't there blah blah oh he makes me ill the theme of um the theme of my life is he makes me ill yeah my mantra like we did get some all of them were fucking amazing like i absolutely love reading them and we're all going through the same things the theme of them very much was making women making excuses for mediocre men that was pretty much what was going on was

women scraping up the fucking scraps cleaning up his life and then making an excuse oh yeah but he's going through quite a lot his sister just got was ill he just didn't get to uni to be honest that's none of your business genuinely it's none of your business if you haven't set up the foundations in a relationship to have a secure and like healthy open floor for all of your insecurities and all of your troubles and all of the ways that and the baggage that you are both bringing as equals and you're not going to manipulate those narratives to get what you want from the other person oh my god you make me sick genuinely it makes me sick because he's literally just purely manipulating you to benefit from you in some way yeah he wants a mother yeah he literally wants a mother that he

can have sex with yeah completely that it's so depressing to see that everyone's situation is the same yeah everyone thinks they have a unique um yeah sort of angles yeah but he was depressed it's like yeah but fucking everyone is depressed one in three people is depressed okay everyone has depression. Let's just face it, we're all fucking bummed, okay? Because almost, how could you be a human and not be? Look around you. If you're not, your eyes aren't open.

Yeah, as you said earlier, I don't know if this made it into the car or if this was in the rewrite. Sorry to keep bringing it up. Don't even go there. So guts. But if you're listening to this on an iPhone, you're aware of the pain that you're inflicting on others by having an iPhone and participating in in capitalism this didn't go in

some way if you're participating in the western world if you're participating in capitalism if you're participating in the patriarchy to be honest i'd be shocked if you weren't you are hurting others if you're a white person in this world you're hurting others me being here i'm benefiting yeah by the oppression of black people for hundreds of years and still now today. Just me being here- Is oppressive. Is oppressive to someone else.

Ugh, guys, you're not ready. Well, this is what we were saying before with the thing of people saying that they would rather be dumped. They would rather be dumped than the dumpy. And I was doing a whole rant about- Than the dumper. Rather than the dumper. You would rather be dumped than the dumpy and i was doing a whole rant about than the dumper rather than the dumper um you would rather inflict you would rather have pain inflicted on you than

inflict pain on someone else and we were saying that if you exist in this world as we all do we're all in this universe this reality unless this has made it into the parallel universe somehow where time goes backwards can't wait um then you live in a world where your existence inflicts pain on other people you're listening on an iphone which was created by a child who gets paid one p a day sorry but your very existence is painful to people i also find it really interesting that the social desirability stretches far enough that it reaches a poll on an instagram page called high priestess and people still even then are feeling like they need to push an image of like some virtuous selfless altruistic human being but i don't think they need i don't think it's conscious i don't think

people think they need to push it i know that's why they genuinely have had to tell themselves that they are good to survive. But just everyone. It's fine if you're not good. No one here is good. Well, what is good? How are you good? You're good, what, on your idea?

This is why I changed it earlier when I didn't say good or bad. I said pleasant or unpleasant because it's like actually... Yeah. It's like, oh, the experiences were good under Persephone's idea of good. Yeah. Good and bad really oh, the experiences were good under Persephone's idea of good. Yeah.

Good and bad really is nothing from me versus you. So don't worry on our polls if you think, oh, yeah, actually, I'd rather inflict pain than be hurt. Because you would. You would. You can go and switch places with someone that's having a fucking terrible time. And we don't do it. Of course we don't. We struggle and struggle and struggle and strive to make our lives as pain-free as possible. Why on earth would you switch places

when you could be the person that's inflicting pain to have pain inflicted on you? You wouldn't switch. You wouldn't. Because you don't. Every single day you prove that you wouldn't. Yeah. So don't bother on the poll, guys.

Just say the truth. Just say the truth. So there's so many to choose from i'm actually like struggling to choose one like i'm overwhelmed with how many hilarious responses there are loads of funny ones one that has just caught my eye just now said he dumped me because he needed to in quotes find himself and then dates a girl from my year a week later which is oh my god i mean it's painful and it's unsurprising honestly i hate men don't make me say it don't because you're gonna get not all not all men would um date you to find break up with you to find yourself and then date a girl in your year like no not every fucking man would do that

i'm not talking to you it's you this isn't about you this is about men you know what I found funny I screenshotted it because I just thought you're actually telling us a joke like you've actually told us a joke knock knock well someone, this wasn't the one I was going to say

but someone said we were two days before a holiday my parents paid for can I come? like take me instead also I would love to know did you go oh i would love to know did you go surely not with him he wouldn't go i've seen it happen i've seen things oh fuck where is it okay sorry oh i thought this one was crazy again not the one i was looking for but still crazy i found out i was dumped when he

turned up to the party with his new girlfriend you're telling me jokes you're actually doing stand-up you literally think you're james a camster what is going on what the hell imagine oh my god oh my god someone said this again wasn't the one but someone said traveled eight hours manchester to cornwall to see him and he dumped me at the train station oh my god that the audacity the absolute fucking oh my god how dare you how dare you i'm absolutely shook oh my god how dare you i've been sitting on a fucking stinking train you know what that is then enjoy your stay in cornwall genuinely and now cornwall is suddenly the bahamas you need to have the time of your life on your own you're going down to get fudge like your lich like

cornish pasta sounds fucking good honestly it had that's the only way that is the only way out you're building sandcastles oh you have to you absolutely have to also sorry again not the one i was looking for a lot of people saying that their significant other got someone else pregnant and that was how they found out that they were dumped fuck off honestly sorry well i guess i'm mummy then huh the average age of our audience is quite young i mean what is going on okay found it i actually can't wait i tried leaving an emotionally abusive relationship and he tried forcing cat shit into my mouth did you see that one no i didn't see that oh my god so i don't really understand to be honest i don't really have anything to say like i mean it was emotionally abusive like i hope i mean i'm laughing but also he tried forcing cat shit that's not emotionally

abusive that's abusive physically putting shit into your mouth from a cat shit i hope they have a cat imagine he's going around yeah no he comes to all situations carrying cat shit just in case pre-meditating to put the cat shit in her face he's gone around to the neighbors got the cat also i tried leaving an emotionally abusive relationship well i hope you're out of it that's mental if you guys are if you guys are trying to ease the pain in any way for people that try and put cat shit in your gob i cannot you're you're lost you're lost to me honestly i can't i can't with you guys that's mental what the hell i just really can't tell you enough how much all of the situations are so similar they're the same there's little details like the cat shit one i guess it's kind

of an anomaly i'll give you that fair enough that was pretty unique fine but all of the others are very like you're all echoing the same experiences yeah should we do the one should we do the other question box the how people get? Yeah, let's see if there are any good suggestions. I need some positivity of, like, how people... Like, how did you get away from the cat shit, boy? Well, it's not all positivity. Someone said downloading Tinder. It's a tried and tested method.

Love it. No, I hate that. Do you? Well, I think it's really problematic. I think it's probably going to pose a lot of problems for the majority of people. I think if you've come to a place where your tried and tested route of getting over somebody is finding someone new to have sex with that you're signaling an issue to me there probably the problem is you don't know you don't know what you want at that point but i also think that is a

very um almost masculine systemically um societally masculine attitude of oh just replace them then that is very common situation for men when they get out of a breakup to just go on tinder and just date around so i actually even though it's not healthy it's by no means a healthy thing to do i'm not anti-women doing that it's very um sort of dismissive of what you of what your relationship was and all of that and i'm not anti even though it goes without saying you have to know yourself before you do anything like that yeah there's a facet of it which i really love which is that they are replaceable and now you see that so you know that now you can replace people in your life people in your life are disposable you are the thing that stays the same and you but then again that points me to you were

the thing that you should be taking care of so why when someone leaves you do you constantly look for a replacement yeah even though you know they're replaceable why do you need to replace them do you know what i mean totally i completely completely agree so people saying either getting with someone new or just focusing on themselves oh my god i love this one remembering who the fuck i am and red wine and painting oh my god i'm obsessed like kind of can i move in with you that sounds really that's not quite dreamy kind of my dream night in remember who i am stunning drink some red wine stunning and paint stunning that's so great i think it's important people are saying allowing myself to feel for a bit and then occupying my time like yeah working on myself someone said reading validating

yes cutie pies i just remembered but i didn't check my turn at prices this morning oh no and now there's going to be new ones later can we have an e-camerana update um it's going to be new ones later can we have an ecomirana update um it's going really well i am this is erin's animal crossing island oh yeah if you're new here i mean even if you're not new and you're just a normal person and you just don't know what i'm talking about animal crossing i'm obsessed you should be obsessed too like i would highly recommend i still haven't um done it yet so yeah to be honest i, but whatever. Your gift is honestly waiting and taking up storage in my home. I really want it more than anything. Please.

Guys, can you tell her to get it? The thing is, I can't spend £200 on a gift. Of course you can. To access the gift you've bought me, I have to spend £200 of my money to buy a machine and a game and then go get a gift. But I've got you something really good if you don't guys don't know this story i was in my nooks cranny store one day and i saw the

most perfect thing and i bought it for me and i also bought it for sephie even though she doesn't have it yet god what good friend that i literally saw something and thought sephie would love this it's not even fucking real and i bought it i said my hard-earned bells on that you were shaking trees all day to get that honestly and now she doesn't want to get it so i can't give it to her so please please please convince her to get animal crossing just someone thing is i am convinced you're not though because it hasn't happened it's gonna happen i need to get to be honest i need to get you drunk i need to i need to take advantage of you um i think our overarching message is that it's really important for you all to know that you really do deserve better than the scrappy daffy do's that you're settling with

yeah i think we need to do another episode on red flags because i think people aren't seeing them early enough yeah something's not quite clicking with you guys something's not quite sinking in we've said many times so some people were writing oh they said they loved me and then they ghosted me look the love you was the red flag that's not you know one thing i'll just quickly say we did get a lot of messages saying after we broke up he kept doing this he kept doing this blah blah why does he still have access to you this is the yeah and i think whether you've broken up or not whatever the situation is if someone is not made if someone is making your life harder why are you giving them access

yeah oh i had to answer because blah blah blah is like like no no no this person it's so hard it's not your responsibility i understand it's so hard to switch it off but this is when you need a strong network of people around you and a strong opinion of yourself them ringing you at two in the morning whilst they're drunk and they've been out you cannot answer that fucking phone what are you doing the only exception i'll give you is if your safety is being compromised completely Completely. And we're not talking about that. We're just talking about scrapping activities. I'm always, always prioritise yourself. If your safety is being harmed,

of course, you're prioritising yourself. In this relationship, you cannot. If your relationship is ended, you cannot have access. No. No. Just anyone in your life. Anything in your life not good for you, just suck it off. Just get rid. This is so simple. it's crazy I think if you take anything away if you're still listening if you take anything away from this

podcast please let it be that you don't have to make your life miserable to make other people feel better about being in your company people should be blessed to be in your company they should be so lucky that's the takeaway and that's the two that is the lesson that is the takeaway don't mess with Maui when he's on a breakaway oh my god stunning a Moana reference yeah well funny just to pull back I was gonna name my island we went through this remember I was gonna call it Motonui which is the Moana I love it it all links back this is what we do we're clever we had that thread going throughout we were foreshadowing that was the planned ending all linking back

love it perfect stunning okay well thanks guys so much thank you so much genuinely thank you wishing you all

well I hope your life is good hope you're absolutely thriving not good I hope your life is pleasant that's all I'll say yeah okay

thanks guys thanks guys bye bye imagine we had to re-record sorry again That's all I'll say. Yeah. Okay, thanks, guys. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye. Imagine we had to re-record. Sorry, again. Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy.

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