Goes Without Saying - self-love: noo don’t hate urself ur so sexy aha xx

Episode Date: August 22, 2021

just love urself it's easy!! in this ep of Goes Without Saying, sephy & wing are discussing whether radical self-love is productive, or just a capitalist scam. we're learning how to rebel against normalised self-hatred and genuinely accept our messy lives. from finding neutrality and balance in our perceptions of ourselves, to deciphering performed self-acceptance from authentic self-love, we're delving deep into the online self-love movement. is self-love actually attainable for everybody? how does privilege intersect with self-acceptance? are there any easy remedies for internalised self-hatred? we don't have the answers but we <3 you. join the conversation every monday. speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram! you’re invited to our discord group chat: https://discord.gg/TvNeXxsYyV Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay?

So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Goes without saying that you are listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi and I'm joined with the wonderful Wing. She's right here. The wonderful world of Wing. Here I am, at your service. Today we're talking about radical self-love and how to be accepting of yourself or feel potentially a neutrality towards yourself and how to cope with not hating yourself in the fucked up world that we've all found ourselves in. Spoiler, we don't really know, but we're're gonna do our best to guide you through give you some little tips little tricks to actually find some essence of like not despising

yourself here this is one of my favorite episodes same we actually get really nice to each other so enjoy okay i've just been looking through like some of the points we got like that were sent in we had so many like amazing like everyone had a very valid point your points have been heard the points resound and i was scrolling through thinking like okay well which one am i gonna go with like what what like how do i feel about this self-love how do i feel about that and i mean it's more than half and half there are more than just two points but i guess if i was gonna put it down to two points on on one side, people are like, oh,

self-love is like just selling you something. Like you should just, just go for self-acceptance. Like just be neutral about yourself. Like why the emphasis on love, like to come from hate and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I guess there was another part. And, and also people saying like very valid points about how it's easier for certain people with certain privileges to quote unquote, love themselves when like society is telling you that they basically love you anyway um and then another half of people being like no it's really valid and good and i kind of feel like my argument for today i guess my first crux oh wow we're early for a crux proposal okay straight in let's do it let's jump right in i know i know yeah can you? I think the crux might be that it doesn't really matter, which is a great way to start the podcast.

But let me explain. I kind of feel as though everyone has all of these opposing, contradicting views. And I love them all, which kind of makes me feel like we could deliver a lovely episode on how you shouldn't have to worry about loving yourself and just accepting yourself and all you know all of the different nuances of that conversation but i actually think the conversation that was happening in our instagram box where we talk about the episodes was kind of just more about like the semantics and the kind of not identity politics but just like which camp are you gonna sit on then yeah are you team self-love are you team neutrality are you team self-acceptance yeah are you team like this is just capitalism and i kind of feel like no matter

where you stand in argument you overall just think like people should be able to like themselves and we've all been sold a dream of hating ourselves we all stand kind of actively against self-hate which is what we've been told is the norm the norm yeah but i did think it was interesting the kind of the amount that the term neutrality came up and it's like it almost did remind me obviously of like the body positivity slash body neutrality kind of argument because there was a lot about like no positivity is too much to aim for like if we could just aim for like a neutrality here everyone would be happy which is just the same thing of like we don't need to go against like body hate we just need to find some kind of

acceptance here it is kind isn't it it kind of just feels like a perfect hot take for like an instagram carousel post it just kind of feels like a perfect hot take for a podcast like guys i've i've i've got a theory that we shouldn't do positivity we should do neutrality now and everyone goes yeah we jump on neutrality we should not aim for love we should just aim to feel fine and it's very groundbreaking whoa oh my god you're so right and i completely agree but i also just think we all agree on that isn't the whole thing yeah isn't it kind of isn't just kind of a redundant isn't this whole podcast topic that i it kind of isn't just kind of a redundant isn't this whole podcast topic that i've decided i want to talk about a bit redundant just a bit

redundant okay well i'm glad you've said that right at the beginning and now we've got to somehow get sort of 50 minutes out of there i don't know i hope that makes sense though it makes the most sense because i completely agree it was just like how much are we arguing about the content or is it just the semantics of like what word do you want to be using on Instagram? What hashtag do you want to be using on TikTok? Because I think self-love makes people uncomfortable because it's like, it almost seems,

I hate to say American, seeing as I feel like we have shat on Americans before, but it has kind of an American kind of commercialized- I don't shit on Americans. I just want to really disclaim. We have before. No, I don't like that we- I don commercialized i don't shit on americans i just want to really disclaim we have before no i don't like that i don't i don't either i'm no i'm pointing the finger you do look look as i said before american isn't used in england often as a kindly term societally right right right got you got you okay what yep so you think it's american i think it i think it american often is used as like um a synonym for like commercialized capitalistic pseudonym for

capitalism i would say what makes kind of us as two kind of british people is that we're negative nancies big old negative nancies just the idea that it's like oh it seems like commercial it seems like self-love it like every brand has like jumped on that it's like self-love self-love and actually it's like oh can we just aim for something in the middle please this self-love thing is absurd but it's actually like like is there something to be embraced in like the idea of like outrageous as the title of this maybe radical self-love yeah and it's like i do think there's something quite stunning about that but there is also something as just people that have been told to hate themselves since literally hopping out of the womb it's something that's like oh no no that's just not how we should be like let's just aim for a middle ground it's like yeah it is quite conflicting completely we all know we don't

want to hate but how far can you go against hate yeah yeah that's the thing a lot of the messages people saying like it's not realistic to declare self-love like that is unrealistic to sustain self-love when you've been taught to hate hate hate hate hate but great world hey yeah what a nice place to be what a great world this is you've just been taught to hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate but i also kind of think do we just have the wrong end of the stick about what embodying self-love kind of means yeah i do feel like you could embody self-love without feeling like you love yourself 24 7 entirely i think those two things can coexist yeah you can be declaring publicly i don't hate myself i love myself i'm enjoying being me while simultaneously being insecure sometimes and also love makes it sound

like it's this overwhelming and like constant feeling of like i'm singing and i love myself all day all day every day doesn't have to be that like if you think about other things you love like i love and i know you love the handmaid's tale for example boy do i but i'm not overwhelmed all day with i love it oh my god i love it i love it i love it we somehow managed to think about other things than nick and june sometimes i think of luke and june well he's not keen i'm i i like both i'm not keen i keep saying nick is a selfless king that's all i say my selfless king and luke is my selfish king luke is my self-indulgent selfish king and i love it um who's somewhat stuck in the past and just needs to let june go but it's fine he's honestly a bore he's a drag no offense i'd be dragged by him any day i love him

drag me luke we managed to think about other things yeah i love many things in my life and i'm not overwhelmed with it oh my god it's just this overwhelming positivity of all times not i'm not an unbearable person in love with the handmaid's tale and i think that there seems to be this idea that if you love yourself there is this like vanity and like overwhelming like you step it so much into just like self-obsession it's like you can love things without being obsessed with them and i think when when it appears as like a self-obsession that is more of a performance of self-love can you give me an example i think when people read as self-obsessed or like when like things go into like quite quite vanity when i have witnessed kind

of vanity in someone it always reads to me i could be completely wrong but it reads as like you're performing like a self-love to me like there's not not actually any acceptance there. What does that look like? What is the, what's the difference in what that looks like in your mind? I don't know. Cause it's also, what does actual self-acceptance look like? It can look like anything.

It looks like whatever is authentic to that person. But what does vanity look like? I don't know because all my concepts of vanity are based on outdated ideas. If a woman looks in the mirror, oh, so vain eye roll. It's all based on bullshit. Like if a woman ever dares to mirror oh so vain eye roll it's all based on bullshit yeah like if a woman ever dares to be like oh i um wrote this essay that i think is really good oh

jesus vain yeah god she loves herself doesn't she it's like well i should fucking hope so it's like well no she just knows she's good i should hope she loves herself yeah a little sometimes everyone else is hating her literally she's been taught her whole life to hate yeah give her a chance we used to say a thing i don't know if this i mean it's somewhere in this podcast and there's many many episodes of this podcast in our repertoire in the second wing cinematic universe we once said like if the whole world hates you you have a choice the whole world is against you they do not want your success and i think that shouldn't come as a shock really yeah not many people here are rooting for your success if everyone else has decided to hate you then you have a decision you can either hate you

too you can get into the hating camp and you can be a hater of yourself you can't beat him join him yeah literally why not or you could try the alternative you could try some kind of acceptance and love which is fucking hard but you can get there so we've heard i have heard that you can get there allegedly i've seen people there you can decide whether you want to join the camp of um kind of the easy ride of being like okay right okay i'll just join the others or do you want to try and fight against what the world wants for you, which is just like a shit life? But you know what I think is quite scarring?

I mean, I completely, completely agree with you. I think it's quite a scarring experience that, I don't know, I, in my self-absorbed mind, imagine lots of people have had this similar thing or be able to relate to this feeling of you decide, as you say, to one day be like, like you know what i'm just gonna try let me just see what happens when i try i'm open to the idea of not hating myself yeah let me just try to like myself a little bit more than i did yesterday which is lovely until and i kind of feel like this is maybe a common experience i don't know for young women for just people in general to be met with resistance from peers oh left right and center

sometimes people who apparently they love you and they do but they've also been brainwashed but they are really uncomfortable with you liking yourself their love for you is dependent on you not loving yourself and staying small yeah i think it's really scarring and i do think it is particularly i don't know i think it's very scarring to try your hardest to not hate yourself one time and kind of be told that you're like arrogant for it or like you've changed or do you all of these things that people get told that really put you back in your box very quickly they really like wind your neck in very fast it's not rare to be humbled in this life a daily occurrence unfortunately by people who apparently love you i have sorry

just to pause quickly i have to show you ozzy right now oh my god in his pink blanket honestly he looks like he's just been like dragged for a head oh my god i know with his hair all back combed yeah little 80s king oh my baby are you okay he's furious for some reason um was it something i said misogynist he's like stay small bitch yeah he is a misogynist i also kind of think part of it maybe is just a projection that you learn for so long that like liking yourself is wrong or like embarrassing or shameful and just like it's not even an option for me to like myself i mean i remember like being really young and like seeing like i don't know

what it would have been like magazines or like the internet or like Ashley Tisdale once said that she says three positive things about herself in the mirror every morning. And I remember thinking like that was just, you know, for example, that's not classic Ashley. Yeah. I mean, I do love Ashley Tisdale. That could be very real. I wrote a biography on her in year six. We would have been great friends, honestly, because I was obsessed with her. I think we've said this before and you said that as well yeah i remember like really like say out loud in the mirror three things you like about yourself i'm thinking like oh my god i can't i can't think of one which is insane because i was great but i had nothing to like about myself apparently which is insane i couldn't think of one single thing and that wasn't because I was nothing to like. It was because I'd learned that liking myself was just not an option. Yeah. I honestly

relate so much. Yeah. I think I also remember once sitting in the back of my car when I was, I must've been like 13, 14. And I was saying every part of myself that I didn't like. Yeah. And I remembered that I realized there is nothing more like there's nothing left. Every part of my i'd been through i don't like this i don't like this and i realized there was literally no more space on my body yeah that i could say that i'd used everything it's like god we're mental like you're literally training children for what you did this for what what were we being trained for what was that for self to buy the product to be an idiot to live small lives for elon hubby to to thrive don't kill me with me right by his side no yeah literally no please no universe don't let that happen but i think that is why the earth just the saturation on the earth just went down

once more just incrementally the saturation is lower the natural state the training is that the natural state is just like a dissatisfaction with yourself and your life and everything so that's why ashley tisdale queen affirmation queen icon yeah that's why like you have to do active things to like work against the tide to literally swim against the current of like maybe i could like myself a little bit and be and like with training of being like oh yeah i'm gonna name three things i like about myself in the morning it's hard because it's like fuck i don't know any any single bit of myself but those are why those things are important because they make you actively challenge what you've been taught since day one yeah oh wow oh i'm loving this bleak world yeah i didn't know

this would i don't know why i never know why i think it's gonna happen in the episode but you know always catches me off guard i have a point where it's actually someone else's point this is a point that was sent in and i just thought fucking fascinating this person said i love capitals i love women loving themselves but there's a but it's always a little but i love women loving themselves but it's hard seeing it come so easy to some 100 i mean should we wrap a round of applause everyone the vulnerability this is great i'm all over it is it a crock stunning right let's put a crock stamp i love women loving themselves but it's hard sometimes seeing it come easy to some it's so hard i think i completely agree with that it's

something in you that is like i know i want all women to be so fucking happy but when you see it there's still a little stab of why can't that be me but i also think that's patriarchal training 100 billion gazillion percent i don't think that's innate in you that you hate that the innate thing is that you want women to be happy the learned behavior is that you're not happy that women are happy and i and i think it's just in i think everyone in a capitalist sense everyone has that innate fear of like fuck i need to falling behind oh my god i need to climb higher and higher why is everyone doing better and blah blah i just think women i just think women and the podcast stunning but i just think women are often encouraged or like often told or made to feel a lot of shame around any emotion or like

feeling that doesn't align perfectly with this like maternal like mother earth i'm so loving and i'm so nurturing and i only have pure intentions and i just want the best for everyone so caring and i i've never thought negatively about anyone ever i would never do such a thing i'm so purely good yeah it's like no like you're gonna feel jealous sometimes and that's okay i was just about to say i think the key word here is jealousy we always talk about jealousy as a subject because it's fascinating the emotion of jealousy is so fucking common but it's never spoken about because the level of shame around jealousy in that you can have anger and not feel shame about it you can feel sad and not have shame about it but the amount of shame that people have around jealousy is so disproportionate

to any other like quote-unquote negative emotion and jealousy i think is something again if we're going to talk about training and like the brainwashing that we've all endured from like early ages from magazine school any conversation tv media all of it jealousy and the sense of competition among women is so heightened that it's literally one of the main emotions i think you're going to be feeling around friendship love and all of these things work i was kind of thinking you were gonna say yeah go on i was anticipating that you would say like in you were saying like friends and like people that you know and like all of these different aspects you're jealous of i also feel like social media is just like you imagine but someone doesn't even have something and you've imagined that they have it and now you're jealous of it it's like they never told you well i wasn't gonna say that

that's absolutely stunning i was more just gonna say it's quite fucked that we we all have this emotion but no one can talk about it it's like you could you could phone up your friend and it wouldn't be deep to be like god i just feel so sad but if you phone up your friend and said i just feel so jealous suddenly like alarm buzz ringing is this a toxic friendship is this oh my god they're so sad it's jealous it's suddenly it's like the most embarrassing thing can't even admit it whereas everything could be fucking solved if the friend that you're jealous of now i'm talking to you harry and i know there's one i now speak directly to you you could phone them now and be like look i'm i just feel really jealous because

of that blah blah blah thing because i had one of my friends phone me really recently and say that they were jealous of this thing and it solved everything and at the end we were like yeah i was so fucking glad that we just spoke about that because it would have festered god boy does it fucking fester yeah you think it's not gonna uncle fester let me tell you it's gonna uncle fester like no other it's gonna uncle Fester like fucking H3. Did he dress as Uncle Fester? Yeah, he dresses as Uncle Fester. And twice.

Twice. And that was the one where Trisha left because she was dressed as that woman. As the curse. Yeah. Well, that's what I mean. Look what happens when you Uncle Fester. Yeah, Trisha leaves frenemies.

Let's not get into it. It's sad. Yeah, everything goes wrong. Yeah, let's not get into it. That feels like another life. It does. Frenemies. I mean, into it it's sad yeah everything goes wrong yeah let's not get into it that feels like another life it does frenemies it i mean it works out well for us we're now your number one favorite podcast the competition is no more so true i do think the most productive thing you can do with the feeling of jealousy is just strip the shame away from it because shame is the negative emotion that jealousy in itself is not actually negative it's your body telling you what you want more of that's a positive thing i remember being drunk

once and voice noting that to you really remember i heard that on instagram story as well yeah i remember i was in the kitchen yeah remember we had a big conversation about shit it's not jealousy it's it's the shame around jealousy it's shame yeah yes yeah completely it's not a negative emotion to be jealous and also there's the difference between like envy and jealousy yeah i don't love this thing but i think it's really crucial i'm sure loads of people will i just i don't know why it just doesn't go for me but go on it doesn't hit no yeah tell people i love it well it might not hit at all then i love it for everyone but i don't know i just personally just feel like but yeah i'm sure it will go on maybe this will hit you maybe it won't but there's like a linguistic difference between them and it's something my mom always

goes on about this because i'm always like i'm jealous like no you're not you're envious like because envy is actually around like oh i'm envious of her dress i'm envious of that thing they have jealousy is more about like the individual like wanting to control so i would be jealous of um my friend being invited to a party that i'm not invited to because oh i'm like jealous i want that person to hang out with me that sort of thing but envy is more about like i want her job oh i want her hair oh i want her boyfriend all of that shit which i do just think is quite crucial difference like jealousy is more of a controlling thing i think we use jealous when we actually mean envious quite a lot just if you're into the semantics of things guys no i mean i love it i love it i love it that didn't hit it's fine it doesn't really hit me that much just think it's important distinction

i was gonna ask you a question when do you feel the most like you love yourself this is quite stunning because it makes me feel like i'm in a style like you video if anyone doesn't watch style like you this is what i want for you to be in a style like you video well you that too but i also just want to constantly get them on the phone i want to supplement your your need that desire i can just act as though you were in it you're elisa and lily yeah if anyone doesn't watch style like you videos you need to you need to um what was the question i don't you didn't say could you just plug your favorite youtube channel yeah you'd be great on it my question was when do you most feel like you love yourself love so yeah

if this was a style like you you would have had a couple days to prep you would have come in with your answer it's fine no it always catches them off guard they always cry but they've been thinking for a few days that they know what they're gonna say well you've been thinking if you watch any star like you videos you've been thinking since you watched the first one what's my answer but i don't know because that's slightly different as well but when because i think it's when you feel the most beautiful they ask but when do you feel like most love yourself let me think i genuinely think it's when i'm surrounded by like nature and animals and like people i love if i'm walking in like a stunning field if i'm like sitting in a stunning field or if i've got cows around me a dog around me like if i'm surrounded by like things i very

much love are you cows it's when I feel like I'm in the right place and like alive. Like if I'm swimming in the sea, things like that, I very much feel like, God, I'm a human on this earth, on this strange, strange earth. I'm this weird species

that is like self-aware and all of this shit. I think that's when I can feel like a love that I have been born into like this species on this planet with these amazing things around me. Yeah. When I strip back from like basically society.

So stunning. The pure shit. Yeah. The cow shit. The things that are like, okay, humans didn't create this. The God did. The evolution did. We're going back to the American Christian vibe.

Yeah. But just like the strange, the strangeness of being like on a planet. I think that makes me feel like very filled with love. Stunning. That is a weird answer though. I know. No, no, I don't think that's a weird,

it's kind of exactly it, isn't it? Just the pure, the pureness of like, oh, I was going to say, I was going to then bring it down into the depths of despair as usual. I was going to say, when is it hardest for you when do you feel the furthest from self-love when do you feel the most self-hating yeah just for reference we asked on the story we put a little slider where people could swipe between where they

feel they sit most often where do you most often find yourself and the slider went between self-hatred right on the left center was just neutral and on the right was like self-love and it ended with the majority of people saying bang on the middle like the average swipe was completely neutral neutral so so interesting so we're indecisive we can can't decide. Nice. A bunch of Libras, I think. Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th.

It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals.

Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson, and this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer, and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com When are you furthest from love? I know instantly it's when I'm out of alignment with my values. from love i know instantly it's when i'm out of alignment with like my values if my core values are of just like love fairness peace fucking living truthfully purity just a wholesome virgin living her virginal life virgin mary love the vibes um but just like living very authentically when i feel like i'm out of alignment with that and i'm being like fake to myself and that could be literally in any way um if i've caught myself acting in a way that does not feel

like it's in alignment with what i actually believe i literally despise myself i'm literally what the fuck are you doing who who are you right that's what i feel very jarred by so you feel you feel the hatred about being in that you feel hatred because you're in that horrible negative space but then you also feel yeah bad about being there then judgment and shame on top of that of like you you acted in a way you disagree with that is not in your fucking mission statement here that's not what you came here to do but yeah when i just catch myself out of alignment in any way or if i just like i'm at home and i just act like a little stroppy little bitch and i'm like what are you doing you're just trying to ruin everyone's day because your days feel shit what's your optimum state my optimum state is peace well that's great there we go my optimum state is not happiness

because i'm manic duh why did i bother asking literally freedom and peace goes without saying the optimum state is peace yeah um when do you feel the most like self-loving i agree when you're in alignment let me think something a bit different for the listener um just for the listener's experience also you've moved the camera now i'm like on the floor yeah sorry about that what's going on you were getting a bit up in my business i need some space i'm like when i'm on a human planet it's like get this girl away from me let me distance myself from this girl no i think my laptop was wearing a bit so i'm again sorry about the listeners experience oh i see i'm gonna i'm sorry i'm gonna have to show you the dog again ozzy

let's see him again oh god sleeping beauty over there like is that a joke i love his paw i woke him up sorry sorry everybody sorry i'm mortified this is a terrible show i'm putting on i feel miles away from you though i'm moving i'm moving okay that's not bad now i'm all up in your grill again yeah and you've got the perfect view of all the mess yeah stunning um okay when am i most self-loving is that the question you want to ask me yeah yeah that's the question you sure about that yeah 100 because then we're gonna move swiftly on to self-hating okay um i mean okay so maybe this is a bit interesting i'm sure it is i do feel like i'm the most self-loving when i'm like on a holiday or like yeah abroad or like in a in a beautiful situation which i raised that point and think is interesting because it just made me think

like does is this tying in then the privilege it's like maybe it just is easier for you to love yourself of course yeah when you're surrounded by luxury goods and yeah of course privilege affords you self-love kind of goes without saying totally well it's easier to love yourself surrounded by stunning things than surrounded by scraps it's like okay well how on earth do i find love here yeah when it's not really looking like the most loving environment i mean i take a lot from my environment. Like I'm not one of those people who can be, like it just, it really matters to me

what my space situation is. Like I really, if everything's a mess. Which it is right now. Your best to not chat to me. Yeah. From looking through the small little bit of the FaceTime camera, I can see that it might be right now.

Guys, it's boxes on boxes. And I i'm saying like i keep saying to everyone i'm obviously i've so i've just moved that's why it's a mess and it's boxes on boxes but i'm saying to everyone like it's not like oh there's boxes it's a bit of mess like in a cute way it's not i'm in boxes in a cute way it's like there's mess everywhere and it ain't cute but it kind of is cute though like it's like you move to brighton yeah i mean that's obviously so cute but i can't wait i just when things are out of place in the environment for some reason that means i have to hate myself i don't really know i think a lot of people have that it facilitates a hatefulness in you though it's like why is everything fucking all over the place like how did i let it get here oh my god i completely get that but when are you the most loving when i'm on holiday no but like

what specifically about that what a cop-out answer because i agree when i'm sunbathing well i think i feel quite free we've been talking a lot about freedom actually we did talk about freedom and i also think again to bring it back to privilege there's just something i think a lot of people aren't free but i also think we have to like make it very clear that there are so many people who are a lot more unfree than we could ever even fathom 100 and it's just kind of like yeah of course it feels nice to be free like yeah like should kind of go without saying and also when you've had freedom your whole life your state of being unfree is like a joke and then almost when you are very free it's almost like you can't even access that sense of freedom because you've known it your whole life

yeah there's a level of everyone should be free full stop obviously goes without saying yeah it goes without saying but i think kind of pulling back to what you're saying in the beginning of we've all been raised everyone has been raised in lots of ways that make you unfree so like is anyone not i mean apart from your hubby elon yeah elon apart from hubby elon who else is is free jeff obviously there are varying degrees of that but bezos yeah jeff yeah mark right so the big yeah the big guys the big they're there yeah i don't know because i think freedom is something i always say is like feeling like the authority in your life and i feel like freedom in a really like privileged wanky instagram sense to me is about feeling like the authority in my life and not

feeling like i have to wait for permission for someone to like encourage me to do something or just give me permission to do something it's nobody's coming harry yeah no one's coming harry like no one's coming to save you and no one's coming to tell you that you can do something or you'd be really great at this or i actually have a perfect good opportunity that you've been dreaming about your whole life and you never told anyone no one's coming to do that for you well there might be i hope they are but look the statistics show the history books have shown chances are yeah chances are no one's coming and i think i naturally am one of those people that just lives quite passively and i always say i let life wash

over me and that to me is like that obviously the opposite of self-love fucking liberty and freedom and self-love yeah so i just i feel most loving towards myself when i feel like and when i say in control of my life i don't necessarily mean that i've got everything under control and that everything's in order because it's definitely not but just in control of my own decisions and like i'm not gonna live passively and i'm not letting life happen to me. I am doing my life. Life is not doing me.

I'm not lying back and thinking of England while life does me up the arse. That's never good. Honestly, let me tell you, it's not good. It's not a good place to be in. It's not good. It's not good sex. You're fucked. It's bad.

You're getting well and truly fucked. Life fully refuses to wear a condom he's awful he's stealthing the lot stealth yeah fully he just whipped his eyes over that that's really scary don't put that in i was just really scared like genuinely he's sleeping on this and then as soon as i said something he went when you said stealth thing he's like that's not right that is not rape and now the other half of the question um when do you feel most self-hating or far from self-love um just any time that i'm not on holiday just my general day-to-day life any time that i'm not in a five-star all-inclusive in the middle of europe somewhere

okay when do i actually feel the most self god i mean all the fucking time every day like more often than not really i feel like i'm gonna i'm in a good point now because i've i've moved to if i'm being really honest but for a long time more often than not i felt really bad was that what you wanted did you get what you wanted sephie you feel better now oh okay um was that the answer you were looking for well so how no so how do you live with that then so if then do you do things to get out of that like you don't just move through your life hating yourself um from knowing you well yeah i probably should do things to get out of that shouldn't i no but as in i don't know i don't well this is maybe me projecting it onto you but i don't think as i said to you earlier we do a thing before the podcast where we both say a thing we like about each other we went

a bit mad earlier we did quite a few yeah we did we really blew our load of nice things next week we're gonna be a bit stumped oh boy yeah but i was saying that i i view you as quite like a glass half full person and that you're quite an optimist and things like that so i wouldn't really necessarily everyone's listening going no but i wouldn't necessarily see you as like a self-hating person or if you are then you do a lot to hide that from me put on a good show yeah yeah i think i do i think i do to be honest yeah i think over the past like year even maybe like the past like nine months i had to make a shift because look i'm really taking it to a depressing point and i'm sorry if that makes people uncomfortable oh let's do it 100 but i

think i just got to a point where i was like this i just well i just realized that this isn't normal behavior or like this isn't behavior that i have to live with and when i say well i just realized that this isn't normal behavior or like this isn't behavior that i have to live with and when i say behavior i mean like feeling this shit is not something that i have to live with like it's not a normal thing no it's not oh everyone's sad right it's like yeah no yeah yeah yeah it's and it's not um it's not kind of like oh i'm 17 and depressed and it's cute not that that is a thing but i mean that in the way that i mean the older i get and the longer this goes on for the more that it's not a joke anymore and i need to do something about it and it's not going anywhere

not that it's never been but not that it has ever been a joke but yeah it's not going anywhere unless i like make some big changes and in part i think a big change is like being honest about how bad yeah i'm not sure when it's bad it's like really like quite bad actually yeah and that's not normal which is why i think someone actually said let me tie it back to somebody's point because i thought this was really nice oh no i didn't screenshot it well someone basically said whatever you have to do to get by basically is fine by me yeah and i agree whether it's self it's kind of what we're saying at the beginning whether it's self-love or self-acceptance or whatever however you want to call it whatever label you want to put it under

like whether you think about it or not that i think that's what it comes whatever you have to do to get by in this life fine by me 100 fine by fucking me and i had to make i had to do some things like move and go on holiday yeah and as you should as i should i guess but i think that's the thing if we all stand together against not wanting to hate ourselves and also not really wanting each other to hate ourselves even though the patriarchy has got us tight in its grip it's fine if you want me to hate myself a little bit it's okay we're not taking it personal there's a little part of you who wants seven wing to crumble and fall that's okay but that's absolutely fine we've had it all before oh it's nothing new that is trust me of all things you could wish upon me i've had it all before yeah if we all don't want that

whatever label you want to specifically give it that is your way out of self-hatred i.e with us with recovery plans or whatever if you want to give it a nice little cute name that's fine but really all it means is just like let's all try to have the most pleasant life on this earth as possible yeah yeah so yeah perfect not an easy feat no not at all but what's the other choice yeah exactly what's the other option we don't bother well yeah then it's really assumed the worst times which it has been many a time many a week has gone by goes without saying what are some things then you would like practically do to like increase your like not even self-love if we're gonna put the name of i'm sure we will

in the title because it is quite clickable tbh everyone's like how do i get it what do i do to avoid self-hatred yeah to avoid self-hatred and just to live a pleasant life potentially i completely agree with you when you said about like not even specifically spending time with cows yeah maybe that is quite niche also don't have to be cows but i think just spending time just like when you feel like a being on the earth well i was gonna say specifically i think something that i fall out of the habit of but i actually think is so um necessary for me and i think is pretty good for most people is being aware of like who you're surrounding yourself with so lucky for me i get to surround myself with seffy for example i know guys i don't know how i pulled it off um everyone's jealous i know and likewise going just goes straight back obvi goes outside if there's a small part of your life that you can exercise

choice over having it be like the relationships that you choose to keep like the company that you choose to keep it cannot be overstated everything yeah it is it really is though because especially i feel like maybe if you're i i personally i know everyone will disagree with me but i personally feel like i'm someone who i wouldn't say i'm impressionable but i definitely think i morph into whoever i'm around and who i'm spending time with a lot and those sorts of things i like really lean into the energy of whoever I'm with to keep them comfortable and also make me feel at ease make me feel like they like me that sort of thing so you want to be around people who you like and who you're happy to to morph into because in some way yeah all of us are subconsciously molding ourselves into different

types of people every single day so I would like that i mean ideally yeah it would be like seffy fucking oprah like the best of the bunch really anyone can get my hands on oh i'll tell you i'll have um sophie turner if she's free oh well if she's free if she's around um that was me being you i don't actually really want sophie turner i'll take kind of i'll take oprah i'll do a switch for oprah for sophie turner yeah i'll do a switch yeah yours and you did mine. Nice. I actually completely get that and completely agree because that's actually, I think, what I really mean with when I'm acting out of alignment because that is one of the main ways or one of the major ways

in that I find myself acting out of alignment when I'm sitting around a circle of people and I think, why am I here? How did I get here? This conversation is something I despise. Freeze frame cut to piece to camera. Yeah. You're probably wondering how I got myself into this situation. Rewind. Truly truly truly. Let me show you how I got here. Literally that is how I feel sometimes. Let's explain this mess from the beginning. It all started when I went to something I should

have said no to and when I didn't distance myself from the person that i wanted to and blah blah and i just prioritize everyone but myself yeah because sometimes i'm in a conversation and it's just like there'll be people going oh my god hasn't she like put on quite a lot of weight and i just think what am i doing in this fucking circle of people oh my god did you see her shoes and i just think fuck off fuck off this actually out of alignment yeah with my mission of here if my mission here is just to not be involved in any of this shit why then do i sometimes find myself just walking down the street and someone says something that i fundamentally think is like just annoying someone will be like just some stupid thing yeah and i'll just go uh-huh yeah yeah yeah you acted out of alignment with your beliefs

there it's not even a major thing because i actually do think i'm fucking good at shutting it down when i disagree saying i disagree but when it will just be a small thing that's like oh my god did you see that man singing on the street and i'll go yeah rather than why shouldn't he sing on the street yeah why shouldn't he just have a party on the street yeah that's fine yeah that is when it's it's when you're in bad company and it's almost you don't prioritize yourself because you're like i'm in bad company because i'm telling myself that i'd rather be with these shitty people than be on my own therefore i'm telling myself that i'm worse than these shitty people i'm worthless yeah yeah not a good thing to tell yourself i'm more concerned with being liked by anyone for anything.

Than liking myself. Then actually, yeah, liking yourself for who you are. Than spending one second on your own. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. God, I'm feeling great. Yeah, this is, I'm really liking this. I'm liking the energy.

This is pleasant for us. I hope it's pleasant for them listening. God knows. I never know until I start editing and I'm like, we really thought we were like on something in that air and it's like jesus how is anyone gonna listen to that we're on something that's for sure should i whip out another great point someone said something actually i do have something if if you've if you've got time i do have something yeah i i'm always down to here

just just someone said and i just quite like this i kind of probably like this because it's quoting me but they said oh where is radical relinquish control yeah and that is referring to if you're a new if you're new here in the sepian wing um audio universe that is um my little mantra that is relinquish all control and trust the timing of life it's a little something like this it goes something like this relinquish all control and trust the timing of life it's a little something like this it goes something like this relinquish all control and trust the timing of life uh-huh and what did they say they said where's radical relinquish control because we asked like about radical self-love and they were like where's radical relinquish control right okay love it that to me because i coined it is

my self-love like i don't think that that's your cracks it's my cry it's my endless cracks just because it's like it might not be about finding um the love here but it might be finding the just like the peace here if i don't love or hate myself if i can just find some kind of relinquishment of control and just be like i'm just gonna exist how i exist and not place love or hate or neutrality or acceptance on it and just i'm gonna give up the control over labeling how i feel about myself yeah i don't know if this is what this person meant this is what i took from it if you just give that up they could have just been saying like that you should have put that on the slider that we did like i don't know what but just if you give up the effort here if you give up you surrender to the fight that you're

doing let yourself go what happens then oh maybe you live just quite a pleasant life doesn't need to be i'm living a self-loving life i'm in my self-love hot girl summer what about if you just relinquish the control that you're trying to have over how you feel how do you feel today does it does it just need you to live through it give up the control just surrender to it all and just see what happens that's the thing i think that's because really self-love comes down to being insecure sometimes and not feeling bad about it not adding shame to that yeah self-love is like okay i love myself when i'm feeling good i love myself when i'm feeling bad as well. I have everlasting love for myself. It's just, I am abundant in love for myself.

Yeah, this will be an everlasting love. Compassion. And that doesn't mean that you should be walking through being like, I look fucking great all the time. All my points are top notch and I live in alignment with my values all the fucking time. No, you won't. You're gonna fuck up a million

times we all are going to do that that goes without saying but it's are you able to accept and forgive yourself through those fuck ups consistently yeah and that is true radical self-love if that is the title that you're going to put on just like being okay with who you are 100 we could leave it here i think we could leave it here short and sweet hey short and sweet all right okay cool well works for me true because i've got to go i've been going to a party and why not i think it's literally my friend and her family having a barbecue a party a cool party a roller coaster of a day well let i also just want to say one last thing even if self-love aside i love you wing oh you don't need to love yourself because i'm going to

give you all the love anyway you're just a great person and i'm so glad i'm doing this with you little optimist that you are screaming a little glass half full a little optimist i said also earlier that knowing you makes the world quite like a more magical there's a magical element here and that was when I said you're just saying what you need to say now to win the competition of who can say the nicer things because you definitely don't mean that surely and I said are you fucking joking no I I mean it literally with my full fucking heart that it's like you definitely are just quite a somebody that sees the world in quite like a special way thank you it was funny because that's what which is funny because everyone says i see the world in the wrong way

i don't think it's me i think it's i think it's us i think it's our joint life our friendship and this space the best thing well i mean i'm not gonna say no i mean infinitely grateful and it doesn't go without saying infinitely grateful to everyone listening and to everyone who sent in yeah messages and who is just here every week if you never come back again that's fine just happy to have you glad to just have spent the hour with you to be honest yeah yeah hope you've enjoyed it i really hope you've enjoyed it and i also think just be a bit easy on yourself like it's she's so nice today guys what's going on what have we done to her i really don't know who are you just honestly just i think like even if like you've got a bit of a shit evening plan or whatever you're doing our evening i don't know it could be early in the morning you're just a bit of a shit day planned

why don't you just like do one nice thing for yourself today doesn't need to be this big act of self-love but just be like just gonna make a nice little thing and tell us what it is i would love to know yeah please yeah could we do a home we haven't done a doing the work in so long oh yeah okay so we're doing the work and doing the work is just do one small act of love for yourself isn't that nice in the next week doesn't even have to be today in the next week yeah do one small thing just for you a little gift and then next week we're gonna feed back that's fun okay cool oh i love it okay oh and if you don't hear from us assume the worst

shoot the fucking tone whoa Shoot your fucking toe! Woah! Plot twist! Didn't see that coming! Woah! Weee!