Goes Without Saying - sex, dating, & exploitation: podmas #21

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

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Like the story of a cabaret singer and a sex worker who invented safe sex and saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out Resurrection wherever you listen to podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com take one podmas 21 podmas 21 ho ho ho welcome back to podmas 21 what's behind the door today it's all your little dating dilemmas and we're gonna answer them all your little dating dilemmas just the little ones because we're gonna do quick fires we're not gonna answer them. Oh, you're little dating during the week. Just some little ones because we're going to do quick fires. We're not going to be going in too deep, in depth.

Okay. Because it's just a pod mess. It's bad advice, basically. We're just going to deal with some dating dilemmas. Okay. Let's deal with them. I can deal. Someone has said, the first one, we can just get in straight away.

Let's go. Is it possible to flirt with the baristas at coffee shops without being a creep? Should I just leave it? Oh, I definitely think you can flirt i think yeah i think you can flirt the more the merrier especially in a situation like that because how could you ever be a creep because you can just walk away exactly i would i would also be so lucky i just always how what you're gonna be the creep are you yeah just just walk out with your coffee it's absolutely fine no just own it pay yeah and then walk out of your car i always think look guys this world is your playground this is your oyster this is your this is your stage truly no

it truly is i would also say be wary of if it's a regular place that you want to keep going back and back and back it is harder to go somewhere if there's been an awkward moment there ruining your local is such a issue like it is so no it's so bad do you remember when i gave this was this was in a pub not in a coffee shop but this was a dumb move from me and you saying ruining your local just literally i was thrown back to like last november it was in this pub that we would go to like a pub quiz there like every fucking thursday and i was like i don't know what day of the week it was but i i didn't even really fancy the way the like bartender i just thought it'd be funny i wrote my number on a napkin this sort of crazy just like why would you do this i wrote my number on a napkin as we were

leaving and i was like this is for you and it's like call me and have my number and to be like what's up for me and we literally spoke like it was really like four messages and then it was just like this is just what is this um yeah what have i done yeah and it's just like and i've just ruined a fun nice place for what the worst honestly it's actually like self-sabotage yeah it is not being able to show your face somewhere that is so convenient for you i know frequent is such a bummer but anywhere that you're going where like you don't rely on going there like if it's not your local pub it's not your local coffee shop just use it to explore honestly a hundred percent just have a laugh and

then leave yeah walk out giggling walk out with a grin on your face walk out laughing it's just have a laugh and then leave yeah walk out giggling walk out with a grin on your face walk out laughing it's funny it is i think um the more fun the merrier the more of a joke you can make life the better i agree i think flirt with everyone that you want to flirt with you never know what's going to happen it's just also if you have that desire like in this mundane world yeah if you actually see someone where you're like oh my god i can't help but flirt he he i'm such a slut then i think just run with it because otherwise it's so fucking boring like what else are you doing in this life no offense what else are you doing this time no offense but i know you're not doing it it's so true though i just always think i think the most fun you can have in life is honestly being a whore i just think the most the thing that gets in the way the most of just living a fun life is fear you're scared of

the rejection you're scared of embarrassment you're scared of just like doing something that isn't normal and actually the second you start doing that sort of stuff you realize nothing even nothing scary happens. Nothing has... If you're not embarrassed, you can't be touched. Uh-huh. As long as Dumbledore's around. You can't be touched.

Honestly. The weirder, the better. I agree, honestly. The ballsy, the better. It's just a bit of fun. Is it cheating if you guys are only exclusive, not officially dating? In my eyes, yes. Maybe not cheating.

I think if you're cheating, you know you're cheating. Yeah, like, I think you know when you're cheating and if you feel cheated you deserve that conversation regardless of the title you've put or not put on it i think that exclusive but not also exclusive means exclusive like let's actually look up the fucking definition of exclusive it means committed to one person yeah that is cheating 100 but if you i think that gray area of a situation ship sort of thing it allows for all of those ambiguities it does and it's not fair and you for you to feel like you can't say anything you know it's so not fair it's so not fair and i think don't let um don't let the technicalities don't let the loopholes in the

contract that you haven't signed get in the way of you standing up for yourself so many times actually i've seen men use that phase and do you know where i see it the most i hate to bring it up made in chelsea they use that phase so much of like we weren't dating we weren't dating so i'm allowed to yeah um go and sleep with people i'm allowed to kiss right running people in clubs and stuff and they and recently actually one of these like quite a new girl has been like if you are sleeping with me you are not sleeping with other people and like the disrespect of that is actually acknowledged for one of the first times that it's like we don't need to have had a conversation for you to know that if you

are putting your penis inside my body that i don't necessarily want to be a conversation for you to know that if you are putting your penis inside my body that i don't necessarily want to be doing that if it's going in other people's bodies i actually was having a conversation with someone the other day about and i'm gonna bring up rape guys so i'm sorry about that but we were having a conversation i'm sorry in advance for bringing up how fucked this is but i do i just feel so passionately about this if you are consenting to having a sexual relationship with someone under certain conditions and those conditions aren't being upheld by the other person they are raping you yeah legally that's been put into law i don't know when that was but it was like if if someone's having an affair um and then

have sex and then they come back it's actually a health hazard yeah on top of a long list of fucked up reasons why it's so insane and so fucked i just think don't let the lack of a title or a label or like a sit-down conversation with someone negate the way that you feel and invalidate your emotions your feelings and your ability to stand up for yourself do you know what i always been i've been thinking about this a lot recently um but i always think about like the the blurred boundaries between like what we view as um consensual sex and what isn't but just within power dynamics but i was thinking about it a lot with the russell brown stuff because i remember listening to his interview with um

stephen bartlett on diary diary of a ceo a few months before everything kind of properly came to light with russell brand and he says on it i don't know the exact thing but he says like there was there was a point it's in the like dramatic intro bit that stephen bartlett often does where it's like russell brand saying i used to have sex with during my sex addiction i was having sex with i think it's like 50 women a week or 50 women a day it's crazy numbers and he's kind of using it he's kind of bragging a little bit but he's also kind of saying that he was addicted blah blah he's going through a tough time but yeah no comment yeah but also he was going through it after yeah even when that came out and then none of this um these rape um we'll call them allegations facts came through it came

out um to have sex with 50 women a week let's say or day whatever the number was but it was fucking massive anyone after that first woman is not consensual because nobody is consenting to have sex with someone that's had sex with 38 people i'm not consenting to being one of 50 i didn't know that literally 20 minutes ago you're having sex with someone else if you have had sex with 49 other women this day i am not consenting to this it's not informed consent therefore it is rape like the boundaries of consent are insanely insanely um fucked and they go against women's rights honestly no as many things do as everything fucking does as usual we actually had this conversation a while ago off the pod obviously and i i'm not going to go into too much detail because i don't want

to be slandered i literally can't be bothered to defend myself over my insane views but we're talking about sex addiction do you remember this quote unquote sex addiction and i'm not trying to come for anybody's addiction and i know that addiction is real very much but i also think at the same time men using a quote-unquote addiction to sex to violate the women in their lives is like absolutely abhorrent and it's actually embarrassing and like laughable and you need honestly death coal jail everything coal in your stocking take them to the stocks seriously coal i hate you like i just i really actually it's like it's pathetic it's like we're all addicted to sex you fucking idiot we're all i'm addicted to fucking food like yeah oh my god get a life like i'm i'm addicted to fucking sitting on this over and

playing sims all day i'm addicted i'm addicted shut the fuck up you fucking loser we all like enjoyable things don't fucking cheat on your wife you scumbag agreed anyway 100% agree jesus something going on with me no i do think that sort of stuff is really frustrating when you see the ways in which women just suffer just suffer suffer suffer through their own lives oh he's so brave for opening up about his addiction to cheat on his wife and to be honest if your sex addiction enables you to have sex i.e rape 50 women a week or whatever you said proudly on a podcast and call that sex they were consensual they were all consensual i hear you um proclaim i hear you cry if you're having sex with 50 women a week

that is rape and the fact that we don't acknowledge that is disgusting i can't be bothered i can't make it sorry we were born too soon like it's like this the world needs to catch up i know like the idea of consent and sex and rape and all of this stuff is so um we speak about it in such a binary um diluted yeah ridiculous pathetic way it's so do you know a book if you're kind of interested in this conversation a book that you can read that i think really sums up everything we're saying right now it's called tomorrow sex will be good again it's a very kind of small book but it's really good very well written it's something that you almost want to read with a highlighter in your hand to kind of get the best bits out i would highly recommend reading that book if you're interested in like consent, women's desire,

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Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com do i like them or the idea of someone liking me great question sometimes can be both uh-huh but i think often i have mistaken liking them for not even the idea of them liking me but my i'm not sure whether i like the reality of them or the version i've created and basically it's like you're actually just in love with your own brain yeah yeah you're in love with the thing that you created you love yourself yeah you've got a wild imagination yeah you know tell as old as time not much more to say i think as well like

a lot of these questions like if you have to ask i think you know the answer agreed yeah do you know tell as old as time not much more to say i think as well like a lot of these questions like if you have to ask i think you know the answer agreed yeah do you know what i mean like i think that's almost if you've got some level of onset i think it's more so it's less about the question that you're asking and more about exploring the uncertainty that has led you to answering a question box on instagram about some sort of situation that you're in like if you've got that level of like uneasiness or discomfort or like just weird vibes around something that is the that's the that's the crux yeah for me personally i remember seeing a thing this is when i lived with you when we lived together in brighton um in our third year of uni um I remember seeing something on Instagram

and it was just one of those little Instagram quotes and I was dating someone at the time that I wasn't really getting enough communication from it was just kind of all the classic stuff um and what did it say it was like if they wanted to they would if they liked you you would know kind of the classic just like cliche quote but it really hit me it's like yeah if they liked you you would know kind of the classic just like cliche quote but it really hit me it's like yeah if they liked you you would know you would know you have to be thinking do they like me do they like me do they like me yeah you wouldn't have to think by this point it should be obvious oh he hasn't replied for eight hours oh maybe like oh maybe it's like no if they want like you know how you feel when you want to text

someone you text them i think like how much how much of this setup is being how much of this setup relies on you coming up with excuses for exactly all the time like how much of this is just continuing because you are letting things slide and and also do you want this to continue if that's what it means if it means that you have to ditch all the things that you want and just accept what's in front of you are we sure that's what we want exactly checking just checking in guys i think also communication seemed to be a big theme within the dating dilemmas um and i would say that communication is under under so almost like we we expect that shit communication is a part of dating,

but it really doesn't have to be. It's the etiquette, it's the dumb thing. And it's bad, it's bad. I think the poor communication, the waiting hours and hours for someone to reply is not okay. And for some reason we seem to think that it's like naggy or annoying to question that. Like, what the fuck? Like, why the hell is it seen as normal to wait two days to reply to someone that you've just slept with i find that i think bizarre it speaks so much to a culture that just wants women to like put up and shut up and not stand up for

themselves and allow themselves to be walked over because the whole idea the whole expectation of women to like not ask for a single thing not ask for the bare minimum yeah be treated like shit let this person get pleasure from your body want want want them never hear from them and the whole time you need to act so cool and nonchalant that you're basically dead yeah you're basically a corpse for them to have sex with you're not allowed to show any pizzazz or anything like it's honestly like not a peep from you it's like zip it you yeah i'm just here for your vagina like it's crazy actually and i i just totally think it's just it is only representative of the fact that we don't allow women to speak up for themselves or tell us what they want that's all it is it's literally nothing more than that to me because it's only that etiquette only serves in a heterosexual relationship it's only serving a young man totally completely completely completely

and the only thing or one of the only things that keeps women accepting shit is the feeling that they're not good enough that they'll never find anyone else that he's so amazing and they're so shit blah blah blah which you should be so lucky to get this bare minimum exactly it's horrific and in my experience of showing someone what you deserve and what you want and basically setting kind of clear things of like oh no you can't cancel on me last minute like i am willing to leave because of that i'm not willing to accept that they will do one of two things like they will either be like yeah it's i don't care enough or they will change their behavior and adapt to meet what you want and that is a question worth raising early like are they willing to do that and it's a great feeling

when um someone like sees your sees what you've said and like it's like yeah no i want to like do it blah blah blah and it's fucking sucks when someone is like no i don't actually give a shit enough like that doesn't work but also nicer for them to just have the opportunity to be like oh yeah we'll actually and let me take the moment then to admit yeah i'm not that invested yeah let's save us both that spare us both the hassle of carrying on and also the um allowing them the time to adapt it's like you're both learning what the other person wants you're both learning that what it is like to date that person yeah and rather than you having to sort of drag out any little meager bit of effort that they want to make out of them then they if they want to do it they

will do it and that is exactly what it should be rather than you having to like wait for fucking eight hours for a reply then reply you get kind of elated from it but then you're anxious the second you reply because you know it's gonna be eight it's just what is this what is this this isn't fun for anyone no it's fun for one person it's fun for that we don't do it anymore are we having fun fun guys are we having fun let's remember what dating actually is it's not to find something it's not a search for anything it's not a painful thing it's not just what the done thing blah blah blah it's another arena for you to enjoy yourself. Totally. So do that.

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