Goes Without Saying - sex disasters and dating dilemmas: self-partnership, for dummies

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

waiting for a mediocre boy to text you back? it couldn't be us. in this spicy episode of Goes Without Saying, we're unpacking your sexual situs and dating disasters. join us (sephy & wing) as we discuss how to date for fun, not fear. from self-partnership to labelling sexualities, we're getting real about sex, dating and relationships in this (brutally) honest episode. your shitty boyfriend is quaking. join the conversation every monday. speak your mind on our instagram! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay?

So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Okay, we've had two good episodes in a row. So do you think we can make it three? I actually don't. I think we're fucked. I think this is a good episode. We're going to talk about all things sex, love, dating, fuck ups, disasters, confusion, anxiety, why is he not texting you back? Spoiler

alert, we don't know, but it's a fun episode. So stay tuned. One that I really like to start off with that just sums up quite the tone of some of the messages someone said my ex told me right people wrong time when we broke up has been sending me mixed signals or am i the one deluding myself hate it when boys don't admit that they just don't want to be with someone anymore left me in limbo or is it just me that is fooling myself and it's been clear all along probably a combination of the two i'd say yeah probably a combo it's just so common i've heard that response from people i've spoken to and also in the dms of just like oh like i really like you but just not right now just not right now and it's so unfair that person is just left then thinking if i improve myself if i change myself then i can

kind of win you over but there's nothing to be won yeah that's the thing is you think like yes but i will be different like i know you're not looking for something serious with everybody else but i am the exception here yeah i know they said like you know i wish people would just say that i'm not interested right now or blah blah blah but it's like i could never say that like do people say that like we're all guilty of being like oh no like this is fine like yay carry on like well it's either i'm sorry i've got a lot right going on right now with my mental health i've got a lot going on right now that's kind of the get out of jail free card isn't it it's either one of those or it's just not right

for me right now and i think both are so unfair as soon as men found out that men have a really high suicide rate they thought i'm gonna use that to my fucking advantage they took that and ran with it and they fucking ran with it it's either i've got a lot going on right now with my mental health or it's not the right timing you're but i think there's something specifically gross about saying you're the right person we're right people wrong times like don't tell me we're right people because if i'm feeling vulnerable i'm gonna latch on to that yeah and it's like um i'm gonna give you just enough to keep you there if i ever want to go back to you and have sex with someone quickly if i'm a bit bored or lonely you'll still be there it's i'm not burning my bridge with you

i'm gonna keep you as available as possible for me i'm gonna tell you you're the one you're my right person but right now i just need to fuck probably two to three other women like no and not feel bad about it yeah basically it's just i want to be an arsehole and not be held accountable it's so bleak okay so are we deluded for believing that no you're not deluded yes no no you're not deluded because you've been raised to believe it this isn't it's absolutely fine don't panic you've been raised to believe it but you are deluded we are all deluded i think it's no coincidence that we're all thinking wait it's hard giving advice isn't it because you want to be truthful for once we're never like accurate on this podcast and then suddenly it's like oh if i'm speaking directly to you who's feeling deluded

suddenly i need to think about what i say oops well i think yeah you are deluded but that that isn't bad i've been deluded i know many many people that have been deluded you listening right now have also probably been deluded we say quite a bit I think some level of delusion is quite healthy I think you need a bit of delusion to get through this life but when it comes to dating and relationships a bit of realism is needed and to be honest like a little bit of self-worth self-respect yeah just like having some acknowledgement of just like i don't need to go through this someone's telling you you're the right person for them that's gonna feel good but wrong time has to be more important take that as no we're not the right people then

no you can't do that well it's like you're i know for a fact you're not the right person for me because there are lots of people out there who wouldn't be looking me dead in the eye saying you're the right person but it's not the right time there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't be looking me dead in the eye saying you're the right person but it's not the right time there are a lot of people out there who would take me at any time jump at the chance be lucky to do so you're not something that can be put on hold yeah it all comes down to knowing that like this person is not the best chance you've got like there's a lot of people desperate for your attention as they should it's not your one shot it's the living in lack mindset yeah and it's the idea that you've got to meet the one this person this absolutely mythical creature of this one person you're going to be with for at the end of time you've got to

meet them early you've got to meet them in your 20s like seffy and i did yeah exactly my life partner my life partner we actually wrote that no no i can't say embarrassing embarrassing embarrassing no no no i think we can say oh it doesn't matter we had a meeting and we wrote we're life partners you don't need to know anything that's gone on the spreadsheet but anyway i think that's a myth that is specifically told to women so her wings gone it's just funny it's just funny it's just quite absurd and embarrassing it's funny because i wrote it like really seriously like like from a just like looking at me you would think oh she's being really serious like concentrating like writing like on my ipad like really concentrating

realistically like in reality cut to i'm drawing a little swirly heart life partners well you said i'm gonna write heart after and i said me too and i drew a little swirly heart life partners well you said i'm gonna write heart after and i said me too and i drew a little heart in my book it's like what the fuck what the fuck we called that a professional meeting but i think that is a narrative that's told to women specifically of there's an element of fear your 20s are full of fear your 30s are full of fear if you've got to find this person you need to find them now whereas men it's kind of i'll just do what you want they'll come along they'll come along it's fine there's no pressure well because i'll do what i want and someone will settle for me someone will be desperado enough to

put up with versus we feel like we have to try and convince someone i'm not that bad i'm the right person i'm not clingy i swear you're clinging on for dear life oh it's definitely a patriarchal tool to make women feel that they need men that it's like don't let the clip the clock's ticking the clear the clit's ticking you're running out of time you need to like secure the man before kind of your eggs run out and men it's kind of like oh your sperm lasts forever like you can meet them in your 30s you can get like three divorces it doesn't really matter you're still seen as a success it's even it's quite lavish yeah but a woman that's been through three divorces is seen as like god like that didn't work out poor woman she's not very lucky in love miss

havisham it's miss havisham when actually that's fucking stunning she's the best character yeah so much of what we're gonna say and so much of what we always say just comes from like living with a mindset of desperation like living with the knowing that you are not enough is not going to get you very far well it's going to get you somewhere and it's going to be in a deep dark hole it's not good you don't want to go there you don't want to be there yeah because also it's like um why don't you try living as the authority in your life why don't you try and feel as though you have a right to be there and maybe fake it till you make it kind of vibe yeah and see if it works because it probably like i mean it's not going to do you any harm is it you're already harming yourself

just have a bit of trust in yourself just one trust the universe relinquish all control and trust the timing of life some may say some may say but also have some trust in yourself know that if you want to spend a couple of years having sex with someone over here who you think they might not be this person that's a perfect father perfect sperm perfect sort of genetic material for your children do it try do what you want like live trust yourself or if you want to be single when you're 35 trust yourself that's right for you then and it's nothing personal don't buy into the bollocks nothing is personal no can i read this one because it reminded me of

that it was this one oh this one really killed me like my jaw dropped when i read it they said i told my ex i'm too tight trying to say i needed oh i read this one so this is a sex situation yeah okay so they said i told my everyone's upset the building everyone's hearts drop the energy in this room just dropped 10 octaves okay i told my ex i'm too tight trying to say i needed more foreplay before penetration and he got pissed off first of all disgusting and said i've had tighter and went soft because i killed the mood but still tried to have sex again straight after stayed with him for over a year after that and now i cringe at my past self for letting someone speak to me like that lol so honestly yeah should we have a bit of a lol because it hurts laugh through the fucking pain it hurts imagine it fucking hurts

imagine i've had tighter i've had tighter i'm angry i'm angry now experience my tight fist on your face you fuck honestly i'm i'm fucking fuming you're fucking disgusting i've had tighter you make me sick i've had tighter excuse yourself you forget yourself young man leave please exit exit my space leave and never come back run you better run boy you make me sick get out of my fucking sight i've had oh my you're in my bed by the way i'm shaking i'm at my hands are actually yeah i'm not doing well my hands are shaking i've had tighter excuse you i don't think so young man that's the last thing i'll hear from your fucking mouth but the sad thing is it

won't be the last thing people hear from his mouth because we're absolutely trained no because unfortunately she stayed with him for a year we're absolutely trained and you should not beat yourself up about being i don't know what you said at the end that you were ashamed that you stayed or something you shamed that you let someone speak stayed with them yeah no no no we are absolutely fucking trained to just i've had tighter oh god Oh God, well, I'll internalize that. That must mean that I'm not tight enough. Yeah, he has no recollection that he said that, by the way. First of all, tight. It's a myth.

It's fucked. Virginity is a joke. Shout out to all the virgins. It's not real. You're just like us. You're very much a normal person. We had a lot of people saying, oh no, it doesn't matter.

No, go on. No, because it's going to change the subject on virgins and they'll get their moment, maybe. They'll get their moment. That's what they're waiting for the sexual debut oh yeah remember we were going to start calling it that a sexual debut i have seen that like floating around sexual debut i think we set trends and end of statement well i've noticed that we do things and then i see them everywhere so it's not necessarily setting trends it's just i say something and then i'm like oh i suddenly like make more notice of it because i know that i've

said it but it's just something to think about i'll go with it trendsetters put that in the bio trendsetters but we're trained to think that when someone says oh i've had tighter that you'll take that in on yourself that's a reflection of you when it is entirely entirely a reflection of not only him but the system in which we all exist within that allows someone that allows someone to say that to you the disrespect with a straight face the disrespect and then put his penis inside your vagina it's you know what it is it's kind of negging yeah it is negging that's entirely negging yeah because it's kind of um i'm doing you a favor like yeah no one else will want you so never dare to pick up and leave

because I'm the best you'll get. And he doesn't even remember that he said this. Do you know what I mean? So it's not about intentionally. He's like, I'm not intentionally trying to put you down. It's like, no, but we all live in a society, as we say, that has told us that women need to be chosen by somebody.

You should be lucky that you've been picked. I've had tighter. That makes me... You will never have a single thing again. I'll make sure of it. If it's the last thing I do... You'll rule the day, you said. Yeah, you will rule the day.

I'm gonna say, eat slugs. You motherfucker. I've had tighter. How I wish we were in the room. I know that would be weird. Oh, I wish we were in the room. But I would love to be in that room right then. I've had tighter. How I wish we were in the room. I know that would be weird. Oh, I wish we were in the room. But I would love to be in that room right then. I've had tighter.

You what? You fucking what, mate? Next time you guys have sex, imagine us in the room. What would we be saying? And think, what would we be saying right now? We'd be saying, stop performing. Where are the cameras? You're not having a good time.

Stop lying. You feel the hand of that scrappy dappy do going around your throat. Think of what we're saying. What's going on there? Think of the power balances in society i'll stop you there before you go any further i'll stop you right there mister let's just be casual let's just be casual because we're being ridiculous we're being angry when we asked on the story so many things like when we asked in the story how what i'm trying to be too casual now you're kind of laying down yeah i'm kind of like in front of a fireplace so when we asked on the story it's real prince charming from shrek vibes i'm giving out there so you know what i've been

really thinking of is when it's really in my head when she's like you'll make me do something i really don't want to do and then she's like harold curly fries i don't see what is that but harold curly fries yeah yeah i got it harold curly fries and he like doesn't want anything he's not hungry yeah yeah he's sat sitting there with his big axe as well that other guy next to him maybe that's kind of what we are to these lot like they don't want our help and we're like kind of dancing around them with sparkles like you will be okay happiness is only a teardrop away they're like i didn't ask i i actually do think like that's the kind of energy i'll probably have when i'm i think you no offense i hate to alarm you i think you've got it now big fairy godmother energy but it but in that way that it's like

you're actually it's iconic you're being quite aggressive actually yeah yeah like you're not really helping you're going a big puppy and a big pink dress and it's like no no one wants and a chauffeur named kyle with an exceptional tush yeah yeah yeah an exceptional tush but i think that's definitely i re-watched like a little clip of it recently and i thought i'm seeing quite a lot of myself in the in the least likable character the fairy godmother she's stunning no I think she's great I think she is great do you know who I in characters I always get kind of compared to donkey donkey I fucking wish you know I wish fairy godmother and you know mamma mia yeah but I'm not gonna lie you don't know it well i know it well enough i know abba a lot my extensive abba knowledge means that i can get by with the mamma mia the movies the

franchise well do you know does your mama know that you're out the woman that sings that okay the friend one of the one of donna's friends the one with the dark hair all right i always get compared to her but anyway fairy godmother so the one that i was going to read before we went down that weird little hole was i just loved this one and it was i believe one of the first responses we got um so i saw it i was laughing out loud because i fucking love a cringy moment okay okay oh i just love it i love this so much it's kind of um when people try and tell a short story in like one sentence or like two sentences and it has to take you on a journey oh my god i love it okay yep yep yep it's a roller coaster we're ready we're strapped in we're at thought park prepare you're at thought park you're getting strapped in stealth's going three two one we're blasting this is stealth yeah because

it's quick it's quick it's stealth we're in and out yeah google stealth if you don't know what that is but it's iconic an iconic ride. Imagine you'll be so disappointed if you Google stealth. Would you? It's just like big infrastructure in a grey sky. I used to like scream when I saw it. It's stunning. But like a Google image search of Thorpe Park, a Google image search of most places in England

doesn't serve well, does it? No, Google stealth, you'll be blown away. You'll be blown away by that. It's the tallest thing I've ever seen. it's the tallest thing i've ever seen it's the tallest thing i've ever seen but you are about four foot tall i think it's the tallest structure on earth probably probably this girl said this is the short story drumroll please yeah he took me to kfc and then sung shallow on his guitar in the car park i'm now lesbian i saw this i thought it would be this i literally love it okay can we talk about something then someone else said i think these two tied together quite nicely you don't want to

talk about shallow on the guitar that was what i took from that you know what i've put i've never seen that film i'm still putting it off because i know i won't be the same after it i've never seen it i just the the idea of someone oh you've never seen it too no never but i know that song and i think someone playing that in a kfc car park on a guitar in the car park after you've eaten a burger oh that was all in one i think it was they took in kfc yeah he played her shallow on the guitar in the car park he brought his guitar to kfc kfc drive through he he was gonna go busking after yeah exactly he just happened oh look what i have lying around when you've got a date at seven and busking at nine oh it's just like that is one of the worst situations i've ever heard it's like

my eyes would be watering and you're waiting for that song to finish and it feels like it's infinite you know what's what i love back in the day it was like back in kind of 2008 it would have been that he walks away from that thing oh that girl that i used to be with yes she's a lesbian now like really kind of like homophobic derogatory slurs being thrown around which might still be the case but i love that in 2021 we turn it around and we're like no you're the fucking weirdo because you took a guitar to kfc you thought you were worth my time i just think that's one of the worst scenarios i've heard in quite a while like that's something where it's like how do i leave like what steps do i need to take to get out of this situation like is it too bad to start driving whilst he's

singing like that's a big red flag you get to kfc and he's got a guitar i think one of the worst things in the world is someone playing guitar i was saying this the other day i think acoustic guitar on a boy to be to be serenading you it can't work for me i don't think it can work for me i think bass works drums fucking works bass works big time drums fucking work yeah drums also is fine but an acute it's like you're ed sheeran the problem is acoustic guitar is a bit jason mraz too bad one jason and do you hear me talking to you across the water that's what he's singing in kfc i used to do that like that was my audition song you're joking i was really good at singing that song i know i just

because you know why because i watched a youtube cover of it and this girl did all these amazing harmonies so i took them on as my that's stunning i would sing it all the time aged 11 that's fun well mine was a bit too old then mine was like i reckon 13 14 probably was about 13 jace miraz i'm yours it was a good song it was my audition song never got the parts but who's laughing now hey who's laughing now everyone what i wanted to really really briefly touch on because i don't think we're equipped if you don't mind me saying saying, is really briefly about sexuality. Because we got a couple of messages, like these two messages came in together from different people. Someone said, I know this isn't necessarily sexuality, but I think it holds up for this topic. Sorry, I'm taking it really seriously all of a sudden. They said,

I love my boyfriend, but I know I'm polyamorous and he knows it, but it breaks his heart. Somebody else said, my boyfriend realised he was asexual six months into our relationship how to navigate and unfortunately i can't tell you how to navigate either of those but i am you know i feel your pain both of them but i thought and this isn't an attack it almost sounds like an attack but i think all of us and the problem with kind of sexuality and homophobia and i think part of it that even the most woke quote-unquote the wokest of woke can't unshake is that you take somebody else's sexuality or somebody else's way of living their life really and it doesn't have to be about sexuality at all it could be anything again we take it personal

yeah it's like you find out your boyfriend is asexual and it feels like an attack on yourself and of course it would well it's like I'm not good enough exactly yeah but it's their sexuality and it's like that's i think why we struggle so much is that suddenly you feel like your sexuality must somehow impact everybody else and it doesn't have to and i think we get a lot of messages of people being worried about their sexuality or being unsure about what they should label themselves and i think if you can do anything to relieve yourself of that weight do so because you can't also but you can't be dealing with the weight of life and then also add on a load of shame and guilt you can't live like that and it's really unfair we take it personal right the thing is it's like it's so important to remember that somebody else's

sexuality it is nothing to do with you and not in the sense of like mind your business it's nothing to do with you in that it's not a cause in a nice way it's not your problem it wasn't caused by you it's not something of you weren't sexy enough therefore your boyfriend's asexual but i know that's where the mind goes because that is where oh immediately he has fucking trained it to go but it's not about that it's nothing to do with you the need to label things is so so strange to me and i get that labels are so empowering and so important to some people but i don't label my sexuality particularly but i date men and women well i was saying to my boyfriend the other day if we were to break up there is no way in hell and i said this to my friend recently and she was like

are you gay but there is no way in hell my boyfriend and I break up and I'm scrolling through boys on tinder I can't no offense I can't see myself ever getting that low that I'm looking for boys it just wouldn't happen it couldn't be me anyway I also think probably a part of that is because you can't imagine another boy you can't imagine not being with your boyfriend so it's like i couldn't imagine swiping for boys because yeah i also echo so much of what everyone else says when they're like do i like am i gay or do i just love women am i just appreciating women and i think if you can think i don't know but i don't care then as you should because like you shouldn't really care we're a really pivotal point in society i don't know if we're all gonna live much longer because it feels like we're coming to the end but i feel like we might look back on this time um if you really

zoom out as a place where we knew so much and yet so little about sexuality like the concepts of being asexual is really really new to so many people which means that you're not going into relationship with somebody knowing that they're asexual you're finding out maybe when they find out which might not be before they knew you it might be six months into a relationship or you know these conversations aren't things that are as easily had because we don't we're not used to it we're not used to each other we're still apparently trying to convince ourselves that it's fine to like not want to kiss a boy if you're a girl and want to kiss a girl if you're a girl etc if you don't want to kiss a boy doesn't mean it has to jump to oh my god i'm a lesbian oh my god

i'm asexual it's like just give yourself some breathing room yeah just give yourself some fucking space yeah you don't need to come up with a label in your early 20s or teenage years and run with it and feel tied to it you don't need to do shit and you don't need to build a brand off of it that's for sure you don't need to build your identity off of it it's just so unnecessary to take that in of okay i think i like girls i then will embody what it means to be a lesbian i have to look like a lesbian talk like a lesbian sound like a lesbian act like a lesbian i know people that have come out as lesbians and then have gone on to sleep with men and it's like just cut yourself the shit yeah you want to sleep with whoever you want to sleep with just don't you don't owe anyone this explanation of yourself you don't owe it and

i do think there's pressure there definitely definitely is pressure and there are a lot of people i definitely experience it very often of people wanting to put the label of bisexual onto me of like you're bisexual you're bisexual so you're bisexual okay and it's like i don't really care what you call me it's no part of my core identity because i'm still working things out this is why we see people that are realizing they're trans or gay when they're kind of 50 and 60 because it's like there's no need to label yourself as straight and then run with it and cis and then run with it at an early age you were all just working things out things should just be so much more fluid and i think things are going that way but if you think you're asexual and you

think i don't desire sex it doesn't mean you need to jump with this label two months in i haven't desired sex in two months i'm asexual just give yourself some room and that isn't to say that labels are not so important so empowering i fucking live for that shit anything that can make you feel seen go for it but you don't need to search for meaning yeah in anything external absolutely absolutely and it's sorry that was a preach no but it's completely true i absolutely agree with every word spoken every word uttered it resounds true it really really resounds acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever.

I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer. And we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.

I just think it's the classic, we love to label things because we think it's going to make things easier. We like to put things in boxes. It's more digestible. But actually, if it's making your life harder, it's counterintuitive then. If that's bringing you discomfort, is worrying about what box you should fit in, then don't worry about putting yourself in a box. If it's easier for you, if it makes things more pleasant for you in your life

or it feels rewarding. And it feels right. To empower yourself in that way, then absolutely. But if not, then that's fine. Maybe it will one day, maybe it won't. You're living in a world that isn't ready for you like you're living in a world that has very linear structures in life and human beings are not linear or structured they're fallible and they're bizarre and that's fine it's not always going to be easier to give yourself a label and move on sometimes it's easier to just live and see what happens. See if you get fingered by a guy

who brings a guitar to KFC. See if you never have sex with a man again. Just see, let yourself live. And it's not personal. And just be all the versions of yourself that you want to be at that time. You don't need to plan in advance. Okay, well, I really like women now.

That makes me a lesbian when I'm 70. I don't know. You just don't know. Yeah, who fucking knows you don't have to worry about the semantics of it you can just live just give yourself the breathing room it's one thing to afford people a label it's one thing to be able to say okay we accept you as gay but it's another thing to afford them the room to breathe and exist in whatever form that may be whether that fits into a clean little box or not yes it's nice to allow

people to say yes i'm a lesbian or yes i'm gay or yes i'm asexual but actually what might be nicer is if you just exist and you can submit yourself to a label or not do what feels right to you which is kind of our message for everything right yeah god wholesome times wholesome vibes i love that love it okay this is a good message i don't know what the answer is but it's a good message they said i always act like the cool girl quote unquote therefore causing them to treat me like a fling but i don't want that fucking we're resounding are we not resounding resounds the cool girl we've spoken about the cool girl before as in the gone girl monologue of men want women that can be effortless but also they're trying so hard to be effortless men want women that are kind of you need to be perfect but you need to be not trying to be

perfect yeah you can like drink beer with the guys but also you maintain like being a size two so fuck it the world's a scam we know it so they're sorry say it again they're treating her i always act like the cool girl therefore causing them to treat me like a fling but i don't want that and it is just the classic thing that you see it's just such a it's almost a bit of a trend at the moment is that you can't look like you actually want to be speaking to somebody when you're speaking to them it's like you both have to act like you hate each other yeah because it's almost cringe how bizarre yeah it's like icky it's the absolute lack of vulnerability in the early days in the early days of like talking and like seeing someone and to be honest not even

early days i've been in situations that have gone on far too long with this like oh like i don't care if you reply but it's like i've been waiting for you to text me back for six months like i've been thinking about you for four months straight literally i think i could admit that i like you a little bit a little bit but there's been no acknowledgement i'm a little bit invested but that's the thing you're kind of not allowed to say it and i especially think women aren't allowed to say it because there's then the thing of clingy psycho all these derogatory terms that are shown obsessed obsessed are used they're used for women that care they're used for women that have a heart basically all women but also like what's the problem with being obsessed like if i speak to somebody for a decent amount of time like yeah

i really like you like of course i'm a bit obsessed with you like i'm i'm waiting for you to text me back of course i am i think it's the denial and like the shame around like stop waiting for him to text you back which i know we say all the time and do stop waiting for him to text you back but but it's the most natural thing to do. Yeah, you are human. It's really fucking hard not to when you like somebody and you want to talk to them all the time and you want as much confirmation as possible that they like you. Of course you're waiting for them to text you back.

Because you want that text. Because it's the smallest amount of affection and that's the only thing you're getting. Like they're feeding you crumbs and you're starving hungry. Of course you're a bit obsessed. And the whole point of dating is you're building a connection with people you're building connections with people and then as soon as it's like okay you've got a connection with someone that's then suddenly the scariest thing in the world of like cut it cut it like drop it gets it's like your self-esteem is so low like you've got a connection it's like

no that doesn't that's not what that means is that you've been working on something and now you've got somewhere and it's suddenly the most terrifying thing in the world because of course it can all get smashed on the ground but that's why you need your strong foundations but it doesn't mean it's going to get smashed on the ground it means it could yeah i saw we got a message that said uh i just don't understand dating like why would i date because i know it they're not going to be long term like if i'm not going to marry them and be with them forever then what's the point and it's well, maybe having fun is the point. Maybe just like not tying yourself to a rule of forever

is the point. Maybe just living is the point. I don't know. First of all, marriage as a concept. I mean, the history of marriage is pretty bleak. It's about selling women. It's controversial to say the least. It's a controversial topic.

So maybe that is a goal of happiness. That isn't your own. It was sold to you and it's controversial to say the least it's a controversial topic so maybe that is a goal of happiness that isn't your own it was sold to you and it was sold to men and women very differently and women it was sold as this big day and happily ever after and men it was sold as you get the woman you get a chef and a cleaner a marriage certificate was a buying document hence given away given away as as a gift as a present, as an object. So there we go. Marriage, first of all. But also the idea of, there was a thing that went viral that was, I'm not dating. If I'm not dating for marriage, like what am I dating for?

If it's not long term, I don't want it. And it's like, yeah, but why? If you're not dating for marriage, you're wasting your time sort of thing. It's waste. Yeah. It's your life. Does that mean every single person you have a connection with? So it's like, if I'm not friends with you for the rest of my life this is all void null it's nothing this is all pointless

then no also i went into my relationship thinking this would just be a quick thing like it's just a fun thing to do at school nine years later yeah it's this great thing but imagine it's just like oh no i'm not i'm not gonna try anything out because i'm putting that much pressure on my life i'm never going to go on holiday unless i can live there forever it's like what the fuck are you talking about that's a lie you've bought into a lie that's not your thoughts and it's not that saying it's like you're dumb it's saying we've all bought into this lie that things need to be permanent forever and if things aren't permanent then they're worthless no life is fluid things will go up and down marriage is not this end point it's not finish line it's not full stop like it keeps

going and going and there's going to be issues within that don't strive for something that you think is permanent and then you'll feel whole once you're in it yeah and don't expect yourself at age 20 for example to be making the decisions for your 45 year old self how can you you can't make decisions for somebody that isn't you and you can't even make decisions for someone that is you like we can't even make decisions for ourselves now we're making dumb decisions on the daily yeah well at least i am so i how on earth do i expect myself to making decisions for when i'm 55 don't demand permanence from your relationships because you're barking up the wrong tree. Strive for fun.

Strive for like momentary fun. What do you want right now? But if you're looking for, well, I can fix this person. Like there's quite potential and I think he'll be good down the line. I can, when this has happened, when we've moved in together, once we've had a kid, we just need to get a dog. Then we'll just need to get married. And then, oh, like we just need to spend Christmas at his sister's house. No, no, no.

Cut it. Toss it out and reject it, Taylor Swift. Scribble it out and then oh like we just need to spend christmas at his sister's house no no yeah no cut it toss it out and reject it taylor swift scribble it out and then go to bed think what you actually want yeah toss it out and reject it she's so right it's fucking true though you're barking up the wrong tree it's not you it's society that has told you that that's the tree to bark up but actually stop barking stop barking it's not it's fucking unpleasant you've got all those toys in there you've got all those bones to chew on and you're howling at a tree just go for a walk yeah it's fine okay i love this one don't have any responses planned but let's just go with it they said ended a three-year on slash off relationship brackets Brackets never got Valentine's Day. Close bracket.

Ideas for dating myself this year. Love it. Oh, fun. Can I date you dating yourself? Congrats on ending your three year on off relationship. That sounds like you did the right thing. Congratulations. Yeah.

Round of applause all round. Everyone's clapping. Congratulations are in order. And then he does the, he doesn't say congratulations, but he. But then he changes all the banners. change all the banners so stunning 10 points to you but he really says are in order and it's like yeah they're in order this is what we always say about harry potter is that we don't even love the lines that are like the classic lines that eat slugs the whatever's we love the ones that have quite a musicality to them the melody kind of

mam's a witch dad's a muggle. Bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out. A nasty shock for him when he found out. Big Irish audience we have. Oh, really? Shout out if you're listening from Ireland. Yeah. Shout out.

Okay, so ideas for dating yourself. We don't have any. If only we knew how. I think I'm cheating on my boyfriend with myself. Go on. You know what I think is a good on my boyfriend with myself. Go on. You know what I think is a good one? At least for me. So, and I also think if you have any placements,

any water placements in your chart, this might be particularly good for you. I, it says something completely not groundbreaking, a bath. I, oh, Ozzy. Hello, doggy. Oh God, here we go. This is going to be a few hours.

Hi, baby boy. Look. They can't see it's a podcast. You're lucky you didn't jump on that candle. I sound really neglectful. Really neglectful, mother. You're lucky you didn't burn yourself alive. Oh, baby.

Okay, right. Bath. Bath is a big thing for me because it kind of blocks out like two and a half hours christ yeah you're gonna be a prune so i'll be in the bathroom setting the mood whilst the bath is running nice and the bath takes ages to run but only like 10 minutes max surely it's quite a deep big But only like 10 minutes max, surely. It's quite a deep, big business. It's kind of, I'm in a pool. Two and a half hours.

Well, no, but it would take like 20 minutes. God, you're in a jacuzzi. So running the bath is quite a thing because I almost think you've wasted half the fun if you let your bath run and then go about your admin and keep living your life and then get in the bath when it's done. It's like, no, you should have been taking that time to like undress, check your boobs, see if you have breast cancer these are the situation this is the light

your candles how to date yourself see if you have breast cancer that's not fun advice admin bodily admin listen yeah this is biographical this is autobiographical at this point it's quite obvious that it is i don't think you need to say that quite a lot of people do that well i think it's perfect well if anything you should do it when you get out because then your skin is wet anyway you should do that that i actually just actually want to make that a really big like notice board like pause the episode like warning like you need to check your body for all of these things yeah check your boobs if you have them baths love them i just think it's really you can really go for it whenever else do you get to sit in your nakedness and just enjoy yourself like

you're naked for quite a long period of time which i think is really healthy yeah completely especially that and you're submerged in like the most amazing water you've ever felt like you're naked for quite a long period of time which i think is really healthy yeah completely especially that and you're submerged in like the most amazing water you've ever felt like you're submerged in like water that feels nice on your skin and it's kind of got like a little bit of the comforter from lush in it like it's got quite a bit of glitter in there it's just stunning i just think it's a really nice practice i saw a thing that was you've made all sorry you've made all that effort i'm not finished you've made all that effort of creating the bath moment you're not gonna hop out of it 10 minutes in like i need you to have like an ice cold glass of water ready to go if you're thirsty like when you're fucking cooking yourself because the bath is too hot. Like this can be a full situation and really soak it up, some may say.

If it's not painful, it's not hot enough. It needs to be so hot that you struggle to get in. You're boiling yourself alive. You're like a little lobster. For sure. It needs to be like you're coming out in rashes. Like it needs to be hot. But I think it's a really good thing to be naked.

Because then also then you get out of the bath and kind of admire yourself it's like I'm really just talking about myself but I really get out of the bath and and like kind of eye myself up like I'm kind of like shit like this is incredible like take pics just have a great time it's a vibe it's a total vibe it's a the vibe I wish you could all be there with me do you know what your love language is because I saw a thing that was saying um you should love yourself in your love language and i was wondering what yours is if that's how your chosen form is um look i don't know don't you i've done the test with you many times how do we not know i know because i don't really believe in it i think really i think it's too complex i think you don't have a love language. Well, it's kind of, you wouldn't have one. Exactly, yeah.

Of course. I know we've shat on gifts a few times. We've said like gifting. We have shat on gifting. Hashtag ad gifted. Your love language is Christmas. You're an elf. And Santa's workshop. I agree. I don't believe in it. I'm not gonna put my soul into it. But I do think it's important to know. No, but you should know how to love yourself what you prioritize from your relationships and that it's like actually i do really desire words of affirmation and it's like yeah okay then that's what i will communicate and then that's something you can do

for yourself because i think mine according to the test was quality time yeah and it's like actually yeah fucking watch a film with yourself like we spoke ages ago about i was in quite a like a place where i was like i just feel really like stressed blah blah and then i sat down with myself and i watched midsummer and it was like fuck yeah that's what i wanted to do that was quite groundbreaking for you well it was just kind of i needed to spend that time with myself on something that i wanted and that something that was important to me something that's meaningful a horror film and it's like yeah quality time is important to you in the way that it's important in your relationships so i think if you don't know what you can do by yourself on valentine's day as a concept it's like yeah fucking do the test

find out what's important to you it will tell you some stuff you can choose to dismiss or go for it yeah and you can come up with a nice activity with it and it's like oh wow my thing is physical touch not in covid times but i can go get a massage let me finger myself for two hours i should get a womanizer yeah exactly it's like oh well i can i can find out what i want you know what i saw a thing the other day that was like it was a tweet and it said your 20s is just going back to all of the shit that you loved when you were 13 but were too embarrassed to do and i especially think in a pandemic i mean in the uk we are still very much in march 2020 even though literally nearly a year has passed but i think especially when isolating and like

the domestic sphere suddenly is our only domain is the only sphere yeah so many of my friends are like doing like really nice wholesome activities that you can tell and even in myself and in you like everyone that i know i feel like we feel better when we're doing things you can know when something's really serving yourself and i think maybe think about what you were like as a child and like nurture those aspects of yourself that's really stunning because i think you just you learn to forget who that was but it is still a small part of you and what you enjoyed before the pressures of being a woman or being an adult or capitalism all of those things were put on you yeah before all of that what did you like because i'm sure i'm fucking sure it wasn't filling in excel

spreadsheets and sending that to like john in accounts i'm pretty sure it wasn't that i'm fucking sure it wasn't filling in excel spreadsheets and sending that to like joining accounts i'm pretty sure it wasn't that i'm pretty sure it was baking painting roller skating gymnastics singing pokemon all of these things that are fucking fun i'm big into pokemon these days you're big into pokemon yeah over the past literally four days it's suddenly become my whole world because it's almost like i was really young when I liked Pokemon. Really young. And it's really, you know what, in a nice way, it's almost making me, I'm this close, very close, to reaching out to my old, old, old primary school best friend and being like, Pokemon, hey? Like, Pokemon was a big thing.

Want to come down the gym with me and do some training? Exactly, yeah. down the gym with me and do some training exactly yeah so being self-partnered as emma watson would say my hermione queen um is about like relinquishing all control but it's about relinquishing any shame around yourself and like loving all aspects of yourself and like finding new ways to do that because also it's a bath for me along with a million other things but it could be completely different for you and it could be the things that aren't aesthetic because i'm pretty sure it might be therapy like if you haven't gone to therapy and you want to find a way to connect with yourself and show yourself that you're committed to yourself yeah but that's not fun but yeah no no it's not fun at all well it's not fun in the short term

but there's nothing more fun than living it's rewarding authentically within yourself i'm pretty sure that one of the main things i've ever done for myself and the people around me that i've seen do for themselves absolutely i don't think either of us would be doing this if we hadn't have had therapy it's a life i genuinely we said we literally said in the last episode i'm a cbt sales girl but it's i genuinely fucking think i wouldn't be able to compute the things that go on inside my body without without the help of that language those tools yeah if it's something that you have the funds to do if it's something that you're in a position to be able to do they do also offer on the nhs and like commit to it and figure it out like find the right therapist for you etc like start that work basically um it pays off so there

was one that i really liked we really wanted to talk about this but we once went to a talk about feminist sex and we were disappointed that they didn't speak about this i remember coming out of it like how dare they not speak about this so they asked can a woman be sexually into degrading sex if she's a feminist such an interesting question and i agree such an interesting question yeah because we joke a lot about i think i said at the beginning like if you feel a guy's hand coming around your throat like imagine us in the room like we're angry yeah but no i love that i was gonna say i think the simple answer is yes of course you can yeah the thing that i don't like is and it's funny i know that it's a funny internet thing and i'm taking it way deep but i think it almost disrupts the discourse a bit and gives people the wrong idea that like for example

that was the worst thing you can do is describe a tiktok because it just never lands in the way that it yeah anyway it's just not the medium to then be discussed it just doesn't work yeah um but it was a tiktok of like it was like the feminism leaving my body when we have sex and like he calls me a slut or whatever blah blah blah and i i think it pulls back to the sexuality chat we had earlier if something is bringing you discomfort is wrong for you but largely as long as you're not harming anybody and you're comfortable in doing something, it's fine. Like the whole point of your feminism, quote unquote, is to be living a free life and to have choices. If your choice is to be choked, cool, same. Like no worry. It's literally not a worry. You can have all of the interesting

conversation about where these desires come from up until they do not serve you because as long as you're being safe and comfortable your feminism shouldn't be making your life awful to live like your feminism shouldn't be stopping you from enjoying sex your feminism shouldn't be making you feel guilty unless it's because you're obviously you know negatively you're you're a detriment to society and other women around you etc um you're fine there's no need to panic just because you like rough sex but also i do think there's something worth saying that but no i do think but though in that yeah completely we can say that yeah if you've decided that's what you like you like that and you're into it and you've decided yeah okay i'm comfortable with this but

i think a lot of the young women that they're having sex with young men who have watched porn and that's just the standard and then have that kind of imposed on them and then they just begin to think they like that. Yeah, but you can tell when something's making you uncomfortable. Yeah, completely. But I think it's about acknowledging that that is what's making you uncomfortable because I think a lot of people are feeling uncomfortable with that and just continuing to do that and almost convincing a little bit i like that just because that's the only kind of sex they've experienced i like it because it makes me more

likable i like that because it's validating should be a warning sign every time that that's happening i'm also getting validated but there's also a hand around my throat and i completely agree you have the right to choose and if that makes you empowered fucking go for it but does it make you empowered if you have only had sex with two people and both of them were choking you i don't think you know i don't even think it's choking i think it's like beating the fuck out of you exactly yeah yeah yeah it's like i don't think you are qualified to know and like disrespecting you with their words yeah calling you a slut and things like that it's like that's not obviously a healthy first sexual encounter i think it's about if you're enjoying it fine but it's almost like they should only be enjoying it if you're enjoying it if someone else is getting enjoyment out of

talking down to you and treating you like shit and they know you don't enjoy it please do what you can to get yourself out of that situation i think i just quite struggle to see a scenario where a man is saying you're a slut you're a whore whatever words he's using and i'm feeling comfortable with the fact that he's comfortable with saying that it's almost like wait you know that there's a systemic power structure here that allows women to be raped beaten murdered on a daily basis and you can say that to me you made a really good point when we came out of that talk actually which was that some things like being choked or whatever anything that you can consent to that is everyone's comfortable in it and it's not harming anyone it is perfect but we were so disappointed in that talk because and you made a really good point because they said

basically like there are no boundaries like do whatever you want as long as both of the two of you are not being hurt yeah that's fine that's what they said and i just completely disagree and i remember you said when we came out okay so if your fetish if your kink is you're two white people and you're gonna do blackface when you're having sex that's fine is it no obviously not because it's not about just the two of you so there are lines and there are boundaries yeah it's not just two people having sex in a void that's um that disregards any societal structures and there's no implications of anything that they do absolutely not like yes you are two individuals or maybe more i don't know um or even just if you're by yourself but you are behaving and

performing actions in a society that obviously carry semantics. So... And even if you are consenting, as we always talk about, the lines of consent are so complex. You might be consenting to having the shit beaten out of you, but also you've been trained to consent. You've absolutely been trained to consent to that kind of behaviour. And obviously a hand round the throat or being slapped, all of this stuff that is so normalised,

it is, of of course possible to like that because you like it but i don't think everybody has the self-esteem self-awareness the ability within themselves to even question what they like food wise what they like friend wise what they like with their hair with their outfits i don't think in life yeah yeah the majority of people are in any position to be able to actually consent and actually think do i like a hand around my throat when that person is wrapped up with ideas of love and relationships and kind of a dependency on them and it's complex enough without literally violence coming into that and do i like violence that's a huge topic that i just don't think i don't think it can be understood

ever no because and yeah it's no what coincidence that everyone apparently likes the same things it's interesting isn't it what coincidence that we all are aware of porn hub like what coincidence that we all have been consuming the same films and the same narratives and it yeah it's no coincidence that literally like the majority like it would be an anomaly for me to speak to one of my friends and they would say that they were having good sex with a guy. It's more common that I hear about bad experiences or it's even like the capacity for good experiences is there, but the capacity for things to get bad and then get really bad, like the standard is just shit. But then it's

like, no, it can get much worse because then it's wrapped up with violence it's like wait you know you're not only just not getting any satisfaction from it you're actually getting hurt from it it's no coincidence that on Pornhub it's the men that are being violent and if you're being violent you suddenly feel like a man yeah it feels dominating it feels unfeminine but what's feminine is to be being beaten no no no no no is this where we're leaving it is this where we're ending i don't know valentine's day guys happy valentine's day go give your boyfriend a big kiss literally give your boyfriend a slap around the face for us go give your boyfriend a hand around the throat can we think of something to doing the work i

quite i quite like the idea of kind of everyone having their equivalent of a bath this week. Maybe we can ask and we'll put this on the story too for people to share how they love themselves. Like what do you do? What's your self partnership practice? Like what is your activity? What is your bath? If Wing loves a bath, I love a horror film.

What's your thing? And also we have many but what are you going to do this week to show yourself that you value yourself yeah that's stunning great i can't wait to hear see you i feel like we got quite violent at the end but we it's the fairy godmother coming out is that you didn't ask for our help here we are seeing you a musical i hope that helped in some way we'll put on a big show for you. Here's a puppy. We'll answer your sex situations like dating dilemmas. We made it a lot worse.

Everyone's spiraling. And now we're going. Everyone's a loser. Everyone comes away disappointed. Well, thanks for listening. Happy Valentine's Day if it's Valentine's Day. Probably not because you might be listening to this in like December. Statistically, it's not Valentine's Day when you listen to this. But what coincidence if it is hey happy Valentine's Day okay bye guys see you around bye.

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