Goes Without Saying - Shut up and eat your fucking figs

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

EP002 - Did I have doubts about getting engaged?This week I ate a tonne of bagels, bought expired contact lenses from an old man in Brooklyn, and got engaged!!! Looks like anything is a 45 minute podcast episode if you spiral hard enough. @makesyouspiralWatch on YouTube. Follow on Instagram.

when it comes to the self-doubt of it all indecision, if something feels genuinely right, you're not forcing it to be. I don't really want you to feel like you need to give that up in order to satisfy somebody else's craving of what your life should be. Hello? I'm back. We're surviving. I'm still here. I feel like people are a bit afraid that I'm not going to come back. Guys, I'm not leaving. I've been, I've jumped the hurdle. Like, if I didn't leave then, I ain't leaving now.

How are you? I did go to New York. That actually got engaged in New York. I'm going to try and not be annoying, but like, people did ask about it. Let's, let's just get everyone up to date. First of all, like, hey, how's it going? I'm still here.

I'm loving it. I'm loving the vibes. I'm loving how nice everyone's being to me to be honest, keep it coming. It's honestly doing a lot of heavy lifting at the moment for me. Like, these are load-bearing messages that you're sending. So thank you so much. I had a really good time and I actually did film out there, but I'm not sure if anything will come of that. If that's in the episode now, if you're hearing this, then I've been very busy pulling things together, pulling some strings. It was the kind of thing where I was like

filming little bits and you know when you just know that like none of that is going to make sense alack we'll see what happens um i did get engaged ah so weighed down by this rock on my finger had to drag myself to the microphone weighing me down um you can see on my instagram any any more information on that um people did ask about it so i will talk about it and this is kind of a part of the broader episode updates. I had so many bagels in New York. I think in the episode when I was talking about New York, I said, I can't wait for all the bagels.

I'm going to have it in New York. Boy, did I. It was amazing. My favourites, I did really like, I feel like I've gone to really, like, obvious places. I went to, there were some others, but the top four, I feel like, I feel like it's someone going to London and being like, I went to this really cool place like Pratt.

Like, I got me to remember. I had like this thing called like Burger King. So don't be mean to me if these are like too obvious. Sorry that I, first of all, followed recommendations. Thank you so much. And also I am but a tourist. Top ones. My favour was Apollo.

I think Apollo, they do really good. If you don't like fish, like salmon, cream cheese sort of vibe, you're probably not going to like it. I did a bit embarrassed myself in front of the girl working at Apollo. It was just little things that went wrong. Like, I couldn't pour the milk out of the thing. And I was like, oh, like, am I being dumb or is this empty? And she was like, you're being dumb.

Well, she didn't say you're being dumb. She was actually very sweet. And then I think I tipped her too much. The benefit of me being in America and you serving me is that I was scraping through GCSE maths. Not really. Like, I did quite well, but alack. I'm not the best mental maths kind of girl. And also, I fear that I'm going to under-tip, which means, yeah, I over-tip.

Anyway, Apollo bagels delicious. Leon? Leon's bagels? Oh, Mr. Leon. Oh, Mr. Liam, what am I going to do with you? What a man, a mystery man, but, God, we've got a lot in common now, Leon. We both love our bagels. Very good.

I went like, I had a really good morning. I went, got a bagel. I think I got sausage egg and cheese, which would not normally be my vibe, but when I'm in America, like, just everything goes out of the window. I'm just like, I just try things that I wouldn't normally go to.

Like, I'm not the biggest, like, egg in a thing sort of girl. Like, I, I'm not like a, ooh, egg, kind of, maybe I am, but not vocally. Like, I wouldn't want to vocalise that just because I think, like, just eat the egg.

Like, if you're going to eat the egg, just eat the egg. And I don't mean to be. discriminatory to the people with egg ick. But like, do you need to announce that you're not into the egg? Obviously, I do. Like, when you're in New York and you want like a sausage, egg and cheese bagel from Leon's bagel. This is Leon making your bagels here.

You can't be fussy. Very good. Loved. Loved, love, loved. Thanks to everyone who recommended Mr. Leon's bagel. But I did just kind of stumble upon it. The thing is with Apollo, the thing that makes me wary about Mr. Apollo, I'll say Mrs. Apollo. and Mr. Leon is that their branding is very good, almost too good, which makes me think,

is this just like, it blew up on TikTok like five, 10 years, well, five years ago TikTok, 10 years ago Instagram, and like it's more about the look than actually being a delicious bagel. But no, no, no, great bagels. And I think why I'm so into bagels, just, I'm not quite finished, bear with, I think of why I'm so into bagels in New York specifically is the fact that I'm not having bagels in England, I regret to say. I wish I was. I'm not.

And also people really swear by a bagel man bagel in Brighton. I don't really like it. Or like, I like it. I enjoy it. But the amount that you pay versus the filling that you get, it just honestly like a lack. Like, why have I paid you like 12 quid for honestly a shred of like, meat or fish. A shred. The off-cuts. Anyway, had a great time. Apollo, Leon, and then who were the

others that I liked? Mr. Tompkins. I hate I'm saying Mr. I don't know why that's my gag today. Tompkins bagels. I like that. And also, oh, fuck, I tried a few. I can't remember. Guys, what are you going to do? You're going to go to New York. You're going to, I'm sure you'll find a nice bagel. But that was the bagel journey that I went on. It was great. I was actually, for the first part of the trip I was staying in Brooklyn. So I walked down, got my Leon's bagel in the morning. And then I went to the Marsha P. Johnson Park, which was like right in front of where I was staying. And I walked down to like the, um, order of water. I come off so dumb on this thing. And I swear to God, I'm actually like considerably quite smart. Like if you, if you were

to know me, I think if you quizzed, if you sampled like a hundred people who know, me, I would say quite a lot of them would say I'm like quite intelligent. It's a river. Okay, I know that much. Geography, not my strong point. Math's not my strong point. Everything else, I should be all right. And who am I to prove it to you? Anyway, anyway, went down to the Marshall P. Johnson Park. I've got bitten to shreds. Again, I'm going to sound fucking thick as fuck. But I looked at this bag and I was like, God, that looks like a mosquito. I got home. I was honestly eaten alive. I don't know why I thought, like, I just probably not a mosquito though. I'm in the middle of New York in the summer, in the daytime.

I kind of thought mosquitoes get you like in the night time in Europe somewhere. Anywho, it was worth it. I had a great time. And then I went to Long Island and got engaged. People have asked for details. I'm not just going to like spill my guts for no reason. You did, you literally did ask. I'm very happy about it, which is crazy because like, why? I'll tell you why. Because it's lovely. It's so nice. And everyone's very nice and they like buy you drinks and stuff, which I like.

Everyone's saying congratulations all the time. We're like getting, receiving gifts. And you know how I feel about gifts. I love them. I love to be congratulated. It's very nice. Did I see it coming? Kind of.

We'd obviously spoken about it because I don't know. Like, I feel like people have different sort of philosophies about this or just their relationships are different. but I'm very much like, if something like this is going to happen, I'm obviously going to be in the conversation. Like, this is not something you're going to spring on me. This is like a joint decision. So I knew it was going to happen.

I knew like we were wanting to get engaged. Side note, people are asking me about a fucking wedding. What? Child bride. I'm 30 next month. Child bride. A wedding. Guys, I can't think about that right now.

Anyway, yeah, I'm obviously going to be in the conversation. like I knew that we were going to get engaged this year. We hadn't said that explicitly, but we were like being like, we'll get engaged. Like, yeah, like, we'll get engaged. And then obviously it's like, I kick back and relax and know that a nice ring is being designed for me. On the ring, I did say that I wanted. This is crazy.

I didn't see myself with someone being like, here's like my ring details. Like that feels insane. But I know that some people want to know. and also I'm only going to talk about this for like a little while and then it's over so I may as well make the most of it and it is fun I had said I wanted an asher cut this is very good boring an ash a cut diamond basically the ones that look like they're from the 1920s and maybe they are some diamonds are like like sparkly in a certain way and I feel like this is not technical terms is it but an ash a cut diamond I don't even know if that's the right name is kind of like linear and And architecture is just very art deco. Anyway, and I said I specifically wanted that compass set. I wanted it on an angle, which is where it becomes quite unique, if I do say so myself, because I had not seen, when you see something on its side, it's normally like a kite shape or like a, not like, I wanted a perfect square, basically, tilted, like, gone wrong.

I wanted a perfect square that was just, it's called compass set because it's like northeast, southwest. West. And then I said you do the rest. And he really did. He really did. Great. Great, great, um, great guy. Um, um, lovely ring. Some guy gave it to me. Yeah, very happy. It was, it was, it was really cute. And okay, so here's, if you actually want the full story, I will give the full story. If I'm, no, fuck you. Why am I being, I getting some messages just quickly. And I'm not going to be self-deprecating about this. All right. I have got some messages of people being like, you're being really self-deprecating, like, stop.

But like, first of all, how long have you been here? Because dare I say, part of that is, it's my vibe. So maybe we're just not meshing right now. And that's okay. But also, because I've got a lot going on.

I'm doing this on my own. Like, I think someone said it in the first, in that sort of pallet cleanser episode where it was like pre me doing this on my, it was basically me saying, hey guys, I'm doing this on my own now. and then crying a little bit.

God forbid a girl is a little bit cut up about it. I'm not going to be self-deprecating and decide for you that you don't want to hear my tail, my engagement tail. I keep doing that, which is really, I keep showing it. If you're not watching the video, I keep twisting my hand around, just like dancing around it. God, is this what you thought of me? I don't know.

Okay, he had sort of spun this lie. This is really interesting. He had spun a lie. He had framed the whole thing around like, this is a work thing and a few days before we went he had said oh exciting news for a few days of our trip my boss his boss i don't know if it's weird to say his name it's a very common name so like is it that big of a deal i'll just call him bob because it basically is but it's like a different sort of bob it's just a guy's name it's like a bit weird it's like oh i'm talking about

my boyfriend's boss just feels a little bit like why honestly they give anyone a podcast these days Anyway, he had said a few days before we went, on this trip for a couple of days, my boss so kindly, because I'm working so hard, has said, like, oh, go to this spot, like, in Long Island. It's really beautiful. It's, like, really quiet, peaceful. It was basically, like, this 50s, 50s original motel that had been restored by an architect that I don't know the name of. It was so beautiful. He was like, oh, he's, like, got this really, like, beautiful spot. And we're just going to go for a couple of nights and it'll be so. lovely, which I feel like when some people hear that, they're like, what the fuck? Like, why it's insane? Yeah, basically, Bob has like got this place sorted for us. It's going to be really nice. I'm like, you know what? Amen. Three cheers to Bob, but just let the bells ring and thank you, Bob. Get to the airport, having a good time, going through security. His bag gets pulled for security. And I'm looking at the security woman and she's looking at me and I'm like standing back and like he's like gone up to the thing to you know the bit where they're like

why have you brought this with you we're going to have to throw it away ah devastating going through his bag whatever and i'm just sort of like in the distance sort of keeping my eyes on the situation always she just gave me a look of like a sparkle in her eye and i thought go and i was telling her back with my eyes really and she was telling me back with her eyes yeah i think so and I was going are you sure all of this was happening non-verbal you've seen new girl cc doesn't want to get married she told me with her eyes that kind of vibe just a little sparkle just a little something then my bag got pulled and she was like what's in here and I was like it was a good question there's a ton I packed so badly but that really is a story for another day and I'm not

going to be self-deprecating about it but that is I will be rambling at that point so my bag his bag gets pulled and I'm like it could be a ringing that pack like there could be really that could there be there could be and then i was like he's not going to propose on a work trip you fucking dummy like you desperate little loser you in my i'm sorry there's no fucking way he's going to propose when bob has just fucking paid for this thing stomping through the fucking perfume bit stomping through duty free like you're such a fucking idiot he think you fucking loser like I can't believe you just got your hopes up obviously we'd have the conversation I knew it was coming but like I was excited for it to happen anyway the trip is unfolding

I'm having truly the time of my life I've really had the best time just like whining and dining for friends eating a lot drinking a lot did some shopping again because I packed really badly I didn't really buy anything I don't think we'll speak we actually have to speak about the packing badly situation basically the first night I got there Fuck me, basically. Got to New York. Right, no. We're leaving for the airport.

And I have set out a clothes that I'm going to wear to the airport. A top, actually like a vest and trousers. Just a vest, basically. We're about to leave. And I'm like, I don't really want to be in this vest. Like, I feel like I'm going to be cold. I had like a hoodie. But I just kind of thought, like, I kind of just want to be in a T-shirt

because I don't want to be stomping around the airport and a vest. So now I'm saying. It sounds really ridiculous. So I'm like, let me just open my case and get this t-shirt out. It's actually the t-shirt that I wore in the last episode. Let me just wear that t-shirt because I wear it all the time. It's my favorite thing. Like, it's just so nondescript.

But, and that's why I love it sort of thing. Don't have to think about it. Open my case. I'm like, I was just going to put that on. Huh, that's not it. That's not it. I'm digging through my suitcase. Guys, I didn't fucking pack it.

So that's the first blow. And it doesn't feel good. And I'm just like, I accept it. All expenses pay trip to NYC. As they say, I will not be bothered by this that will not weigh me down. I'm in a Versa. It's not the end of the world. It's actually okay.

He-he. Then, cut to. Get to the airport. Obviously, the security fiasco happens. Is there a ringing there? I'm not sure. We'd love to know. Blah, blah, blah.

Get on the flight. Get on the plane. I'm editing away. I'm editing away the first episode of The Spiral. Whatever that is. I'm editing away. I'm actually having a great time. My eyes started to get a little bit dry.

I've got my contacts in. The only pair of contacts that I've brought with me. Actually, the only pair of contacts that I owned. I didn't have any spares at the time to bring with me. So, hello, Ozzy. Dougal Meister. Come here. Just a side note.

Everyone worried that my dog died. He didn't die. Ozzie never dies. Do you? Wow, that is so freaking cute. I'm on the flight. I'm edited. I've only got one pair of contacts

and they're the ones in my eyeballs. They're starting to get very dry. In fact, and again, look, I'm just going to say, just skip forward 10 seconds if you don't want to hear what I'm about to say. It's a bit grim. Some gunk was starting to form

in the corners of my eyes and I know that is bad and I know it's quite dangerous to be fucking around with contact lenses like that. My mistake, okay? Oh, just to be clear, their monthly contact lenses, not like, I know some people

have contacts that they change every single day. that would be absolutely wild if I brought a daily pair of contact lenses with me to wear every day in New York insane. My contact lenses start to get a little bit dry. I take them out, I put them in their thing, whatever. And then I start to think I won't be able to put that back in because I remembered the last time I went to New York, my contact lenses got really dry

and I just had to wear them throughout the trip and it was quite bad. And like, it was making me blink a lot. It really wasn't good. If you're an optician, like, I actually don't need to hear it because I'm getting a lot of horrible TikToks about it. I understand that I'm doing something very, very terrible. Say to my boyfriend, my eyes are getting a bit dry.

And he is like, I can't believe I'm going to propose to this girl. He's thinking, oh no, this is going to be a disaster. Take them out, whatever. I've got my glasses with me, but they're old. I had brought, I'm actually, maybe I am fucking thick as fuck. I brought a pair of glasses with me that the prescription is from like 10 years ago. So, like I can see.

Have you ever taken advice from me? That was silly, wasn't it? Have you ever trusted me? That was silly, wasn't it? On the plane, I'm like, this is not going to end well. And I'm starting to feel uncomfortable in my vest. And I'm starting to just feel a little bit like my skin is getting itchy, like, in this plane, boohoo.

I just can't wait to get to the hotel and put on my black dress. the black dress is going to solve everything. I feel so uncomfortable. I just know I feel amazing in this black dress. I can't wait to put it on. I cannot wait. Get to the hotel. What do you think?

What do you think? What do you think I somehow didn't pack? Guys, I cried. Tears were shed. And I was digging through my suitcase, not only for the black dress that was, unfortunately, and I remembered immediately, on the freaking drying rack because I had washed it especially

so that it would be fresh for my all-exposed-to-paid trip to NYC. Now that's a blow. Get to the hotel room, I'm crying. I'm actually sat on the bed crying. I'm thinking, I'm not going to be able to see all the sights of the city because I cannot see from my eyeballs because I let my contacts grow out on the plane. And now I can't put them back in because I fear for my eye health.

I'm Googling it, it's saying, don't put them back in. You're going to lose your eyesight. and I have no choice but to believe Google, okay? And I know that Google is right in this case. I'm crying, I'm crying on the edge of the bed. My boyfriend, the saint that he is in this moment, leaves the hotel room.

He actually cracks me open a beautiful drink from the mini bar at the hotel and left to go find me some new contact lenses. He searched high and low. Do you know how hard it is to find a pair of contact lenses in a city where you actually don't have a current prescription to show them? He basically went to this like back alley place in Brooklyn and begged essentially. It was this old guy, an old man who was basically like,

are you definitely a tourist because this is illegal? And my boyfriend was like, yes, I'm a tourist. And please. And he gave him a pair of contact lenses. Oh my God. The engagement's back on. The trip is back on. Everything's solved for the time being.

I still don't have a black dress or, to be frank, any clothes that I'm going to feel good in. Because I've packed like a fucking maniac. I don't know what I was thinking. Because it wasn't like I rushed while I was doing it. I just packed really badly. He comes home to the hotel, delivers me the contacts, we're so in love. And then he's like, I'm going to look for some like dresses, like a black dress or whatever that we can find you tomorrow. Like you're in New York.

It's the best place on earth that you could need to find a black dress. And I was like, girl, don't even worry about it. I don't need to buy a black dress. I just need to shed some tears. I was tired because I don't want to bring you into it. Because I spent the whole flight editing. Editing my favorite podcast, my favorite person. That's you.

Set the scene. We're having a great time. I'm in Brooklyn. I'm running riot. The city has never seen anything like it. Just walking around, seeing the sites. And then we go to Long Island. The first day of Long Island, I'm like,

this guy is obsessed with me. He won't leave me alone. He's obsessed for me. And then he's like, what are you wearing tonight? I'm like, I don't freaking know. Obviously not my black dress. Like all the shit that I didn't pack.

I packed so badly thanks for bringing it up. I don't know what I'm going to wear. Maybe just like my scabby shorts. It was going through my case. I was like, I've got this stupid white dress. He was like, yes, yes. Why didn't you say that you had this white dress? Please, yes, it's amazing.

or whatever and I thought there's a ring in that bag. Not silly. There's a ring in that bag. Getting ready that evening and I so nearly filmed like a TikTok. You probably, if you're on TikTok, you might have seen a couple of these

where basically you're filming a TikTok and you say something along the lines of I think my boyfriend is about to propose. So nearly. And again, I just thought he is not going to propose on a trip to Long Island that Bob has paid for. Like, sorry, is Bob my boyfriend?

No, he's not going to do that. Mate, could have fooled me. The whole thing was a ruse. He revealed it at the final moment. Bob had nothing to do with this. What? Ehoo, got engaged, I had a really nice time. I love the ring.

I love my life. I feel really good. Now let's get into the episode. And I will say, this does sort of lead me into the episode because me and my boyfriend have been together since I was 16. As I say, I'm nearly, I'm 30 in a month. That's a long time.

Now, if that makes you think that I'm a freak, kind of same. I think what's interesting about it, I'll say a few things here, just to sort of like run you up to speed with the past like 15 years or whatever it is, 14 years. GCSE maths. Okay, again, I feel like I'm digging everybody out. My parents are about to take a blow.

So, events, guys. I am traumatized by the idea that, like, a long-term relationship is about misery. Like, I've said this on the pod before. I feel and I fear that you cannot be in someone's life long-term without resentment building and you're being miserable and you're not talking about it and eventually it all going to shit. I wonder where a little child would get an idea from that. No offence, guys. but so that's my sort of leading core belief my my core principle of like how i view relationships also then

i am someone who views how do i say this nicely just like a lot of men out here doing the bare minimum you know having a woman split her body open to deliver children into the world that they then get bored of and leave the relationship leave the house leave the kid whatever we don't live in an equal society. As someone who is engaging in relationships with men, that is something that comes into account. So that is also something that I would think about getting into a relationship with a man. The next thing I'd think. And this is, I think, what brought me onto this, like, topic in general. I have been with someone so long that, you know, by the time I'm 19, we've been together three years. that's like a considerable amount of time particularly for like that use we've not ever broken up it's

not like we've ever we've never broken up we've had times of being like long distance and i would even still say it this time we are simultaneously obviously like we share a life like that's like my family but also like we do operate independently in a lot of ways which i think is really nice So this is the wanting everything doing nothing and kind of doubting your choices of it all. Do you think I'm a fool? Don't answer that. Obviously I've had moments, many moments, particularly in like the earlier stages. So I guess like when I was young and like 21-ish where you're thinking,

I'm really happy with this person. And I still like them, which is weird because. my parents taught me that you can't be with someone for a long time without building a resentment towards them and being miserable. So that's not adding up. I have this sort of skepticism building of my own reality. And also the awareness that if I'm happy, then we're not going to break up. And if we're not going to break up, then like, do I need to be alone? Do I need to prove to myself that I can be alone? Can I grow outside of this? Do I need to do that? Do I have something to prove? Is this the only person that we're going to have sex with for the rest of our lives?

Question mark. What an intriguing concept. And from there, it becomes, I think, just clear that there are questions that are worth considering and worth examining and spending the time acknowledging these feelings that obviously come from a sense of what your life should be. for me personally a sense of what I felt like was normal. I'm not seeing particularly many people find someone that they love so much very early on in their lives and like stay with them.

And importantly, this is the bit that I'm not seeing, stay with them happily. I say like we're not like perfect people obviously. And I'm a big believer that all long term relationships are doomed. I'll tell you that. but we are very happy and it does work. And so that's where the interruption of those questions comes in because I had to acknowledge, am I going to end this thing?

Any other vision, hypothetically, could be better or potentially more right for me. Regardless of what could be right for me in the hypothetical, I'm living in a reality that is extremely right for me that I feel aligned in. So should I disregard that for a hypothetical that I feel like aligns with the expectation or the ideas that other people might put onto me? No. And I'm glad that I had chosen and continued to choose,

though I'm not really thinking about it that much, if I'm honest. But it's just, you will not catch me intentionally. By accident, yes. But intentionally, I do not like the idea of giving in to what other people think of me just, or like other people think of what my life should be just because they see something for me. And I think I have no choice but to go along with it. I guess just, I think this is. where the conversation of wanting everything and doing nothing and everybody talking about

the fig tree still, which I feel like has, you know, obviously like sort of cannibalised itself is warped into something different and bigger and more sort of like individual to each person responding to it. But the idea that you can convince yourself out of something that is in alignment out of fear that what, there's more alignment elsewhere. Maybe, maybe. And that's what I want to hold on to because I am a believer that, look, I'm not an idiot. I think there's some level of like fate and mystical, like universal stuff

guiding me through all my whatever, blah, blah, blah. And I'm very happy in my relationship, for example, if that's the example that we're using. But I also know that if my life didn't pan out that way, we would both be happy elsewhere, I'm sure. And even if we weren't, we could find happiness elsewhere and find other things that were in alignment. I suppose my message here that I'm spiraling around

and we will just get closer to, I'm sure, is that there are a lot of figs. Is it a problem that your figs are going to rot? There are a lot of options for you. Is it a problem that you're not going to entertain all of them? I don't think so as long as you are willing to take a fig and fucking eat it and split it open and dig into the seeds and spread it apart, smear it all over your face. If you are willing to take an opportunity, if it doesn't work out, you're going to be okay.

And this is the thing that I think we're not reaching. Do you think you are not resilient? Is that what you think? Is that what you're telling me? I have experienced some of my worst-case scenarios unfolding. I really have. Should I give you examples? You've probably heard of them, some of them,

if you've been listening to Gozadeh saying for a while. There have been real things that I would have feared deeply, things that would have felt like world-ending, worst-case scenario stuff. You know what happened? I felt really sad about it, and then I got up the next day, and I kept feeling sad about it here and there, but my life carried on.

And I found other things or other things came to me that were good and softened it and made the gaps in between that pain longer and longer until the pain became like a small minority of my experience. If part of why you're not, if part of your hesitation to explore your options is the fear that it won't work out for you, and you need it to be guaranteed.

I just want to remind you, my good friend, that you know what? A lot of things in life are not going to work out. There's no way around that. The good news is, if anyone can do it, oh, girl. If anyone can do it as you. When things go wrong, and I'm telling you, it's not an if, it's a when.

Okay, things are going wrong all the time. All the wrong things are coming your way. I know more than anything so deeply, that you have the resilience in you to get through them. And ultimately, wouldn't we rather to have a ton of failures and look back and be like, that didn't feel very nice. But here I am, ready to go again. Let's go.

I'm ready to be hurt again. Then to kick back and relax and think, God, my life's a lie. Or like, God, my life's miserable. God, I haven't tried anything. Nothing is ever going to be guaranteed. You know that? No one's ever going to come to you and say, hey, this is the option that you should take

and everyone's going to be really supportive of it and you're going to nail it first time and you're never going to be embarrassed about it and it's never going to go wrong and it's never going to feel uncomfortable and it's never going to challenge you. So ready when you are. That's not happening, unfortunately. And I wish I could

very pod mother it out for you in a different way and make things all go smoothly all the time. But I also, when I say this with love, I don't want that for you. I want you to have the rewarding experience of going through something failing and seeing yourself have the strength to get through that and continue on and either keep pushing for it or find something else, try something else out. That is so rewarding.

Like the times where things have not been the right choice, it's kind of the most rewarding thing to know that you've maybe made a choice that wasn't the best for you. You've decided to do something that maybe wasn't right, or you've ended up somewhere that doesn't feel in alignment, and then see yourself pushing through that or like ending up on the other side of it. Dare I say it's more rewarding than just achieving something easily

and getting it first time. You need that little bit of grit, that little bit of tension, because I almost feel like the happiness, the sense of relief needs something to cling to. and if everything is too smooth, there's no, like, grit and ridge to glue it together, to glue the happiness onto the situation. Are you holding on to this metaphor that I'm giving? But if things are too smooth, everything just slips right off of it, you can't feel a thing.

If there's a bit of, like, grit and tension to it, and it has to really, like, nestle its way in or, like, you know that you've pushed and pulled and made it your own, is that not much nicer? There's just such the sort of paradox of choice that we're in. You sit down to watch something and you're scrolling for like 15 minutes to find something. By the time you find something, you've finished eating. You don't want to watch anything anyway. Inundated with options, it's making everything feel boring. It's making everything feel not right.

And it's emphasizing that implication of doubt that sits on top of the choices that you can make. Because when you're confronted with every opportunity, every possibility under the sun, Now, how the fuck do we expect anyone to come up with any sort of idea of what they want? I think we should... You know what? I think you're being too hard on yourselves. I haven't said that one yet. I feel like I used to say that all the time.

You're being too hard on yourself. There's this... Oh my God, like it's so... Chef's Kiss. There's this thing that... I can't remember who said it. Should I quickly Google it? So you don't have to.

Thoughtful. Kind of. God, I'm such an empath. Eric Schmidt. Okay. The guy who made Google, I was just singing Google's praises about my contact lens situation. Anyway, the guy who made Google said that the amount of information that was generated between the dawn of time, ever heard of it?

The dawn of time to 2003. That much information we now generate every two days. Every two days. Yikes. Now, you tell me why you think you can't come up with any decision that feels right for you. What? We were not supposed to see all of these things. And I know you've heard that a thousand times,

but it's worth going a thousand and one times just to acknowledge the idea that didn't need to know that some of these things existed. I didn't need to know that like there's the most beautiful little bar in Italy. where you could work and relax all day. You'd have all the morning to yourself and you'd just eat ice cream and then pull up to work and make beautiful drinks, beautiful people and just live a lovely life in Italy.

I probably wouldn't have known that. If I was born 50 years ago, I would be 80, so I probably wouldn't know that. Nearly 80. Dolly Parton died. I think she was 80. Sorry to bring that up. I'd be the bearer of bad news.

But again, like, look, that is news that should stick with us for like a week at least. Even today, this is the day after Dolly Parton died. How many tweets do you think have been tweeted since? How many Instagram stories have gone up since Dolly Parton? This used to be something that people, the news is moving too quick for anything to have enough time to stick around. Ozzie, you're a little bit warm. I love it. Oh, can we keep him?

Oh! Little his pet shop. Go on then, sling your hook. Where can I put you? Because I don't think you can stay here, baby boy. I think when it comes to... I think when it comes to the self-doubt of it all and the, like, indecision, my experience has been, if something feels genuinely right,

genuinely in alignment, you're not forcing it to be. It feels good. It feels like it's making your life better, more enjoyable, and making your experience on earth on this like, where are we? I'm not trying to, you know, where are we? What are we doing? I don't even know me.

I don't even know. What is this? What? There's a creature on my lap. It's my dog, if you're not watching the video. What are we doing here? When you find something that feels good and feels right, I don't really want you to feel like you need to give that up in order to satisfy somebody else's

craving of what your life should be. I think there's something to be said about things being realistic or unrealistic and I have seen, again, anecdotally, people who resist, how am I talking like that? Resist people who, sorry, self-deprecating, oh, self-deprecating police, I won't do it I swear. People who resist something that they really want deep down in their soul out of the idea that it is unrealistic and therefore not sustainable. I have seen that actually a lot of the time the most unsustainable choice you can make is the one that you're making for other people. Staying in something or pursuing something because you think it's what you should do is not sustainable, even if it feels on paper like the more secure, steady choice.

I think as well there is a huge component to it, like I say, which is the acceptance of loss and mistake. Failure. Flop. Disaster, some may say. I think if it feels right for you, it's worth the pursuit of those things, or it's worth the pursuit of something where the symptom can be a lot of pain. The symptom of pursuing something that means a lot to you is the potential of a lot of pain, but also what a reward for being able to explore something that feels right to you. I think there's just a lot to be said for, you think that you want everything, every option, every option could work and has potential. But the opposite of having all of those things is not necessarily having nothing,

it's having something that feels right. The absence of not being able to do everything doesn't have to be not having anything at all. It can actually be having some things that feel really true and honest to you. And also having a history of things that haven't worked and eventually getting to a place where you feel all right with the fact that they haven't worked. Particularly with where we're at right now when everything is like moving so fast. And we're really living in sort of the industrialisation of dating, the industrialisation of relationships. and hobbies and passion and anything remotely good and worthwhile in this world. It's literally Love Island being like, my head could be turned.

Like, I'm potentially looking at the love of my life, but my head could be turned. And you're right, your head could be turned. Are you willing now to make that decision, explore it, and reap the consequences? There are ramifications for our choices. There's no getting around it. I think my message is like you're going to make the wrong decision by the way I'm not mad at that

in fact you're probably going to if you live a great life the more bad decisions the merrier in my view I trust that you can get through them and isn't it worth just doing it anyway things that I could mention here that I haven't that we could get onto it a later day first thing just footnotes

first thing that has been left behind in the spiral of it all, when it comes to like approaching something that you're passionate about, like a job, a skill, a hobby, whatever, and you know, I feel like this is particularly with that creative endeavors, although I guess it could stretch across a lot of different things. When you know how you want something to look, you are passionate about something, which means that your taste has become probably quite informed.

to participate in this thing, you're going to be confronted with the fact that the things that you are creating are not currently competing with what you deem to be good in that world. So like, for example, your taste might be Mozart. Was that the best example I could think of?

Maybe. You've got a good taste, okay? Sometimes your passion can feel almost like, you're not entitled to it or like it isn't yours because you feel like you're not good enough at it when actually you have a pull to it for a reason and I do think and maybe I'm getting a bit woo-woo here but especially like I've lived through my 20s now pretty much the times when I felt the best have literally been the days where I felt like I'm doing the same activity that I would have been doing at eight years old. I'm the same girl, probably like, I'm in a different place

with maybe different people around me, but my body is doing something that it was pulled to do as a child. I do think like there's something that develops really early on where the things that are right for you, I feel like you're drawn to really, really quickly. And then obviously this earth, where are we, where are we stomps it out of you? Giving yourself some time to revisit those things, I just don't think is ever going to do you any wrong. And I think pushing through the taste gap, that discrepancy between your passion, your taste,

the things that you see to be good and your current skill, that is such a time of discomfort. But that doesn't mean that it's wrong for you or that you don't deserve to try it. It's actually, I think, a testament to how much it means to you, potentially. For example, with relationships, as I say, like the industrialisation of it is so, you know, how could you ever feel without doubt when everyone in your city is on your phone right now? And you can swipe through them one by one by one by. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault, my love, that you're finding it hard to really hold on to something or feel like something can be yours or feel like you deserve. to have something. I believe in you. I do. I really do. I'm sorry that this world is nuts. Honestly, we don't deserve you. I think I might wrap this.

So, there's that. God, it would be nice to get like an outro going, wouldn't it? I feel all out of sorts with my language. I don't have an intro. I don't have an outro. I've got a lot to talk about. I hope you're doing well I will just say

I've been kind of debating putting something on Instagram about this but about this as if there's something like you know just I know I said it at the beginning but it's difficult to say anything

at the moment without caveating it with like thanks by the way like I know I said before but I can't put into words how much like I'm having hard moments I'm not going to lie.

Like, I'm really excited about this, and I do feel really good in it in my right mind. But I'm not going to lie to you. Like, there are moments that I'm having dark days, not days, but there are moments where it's feeling a little bit tough. And, you know, like, everyone's just got stuff going on or whatever. Like, there's, there's, yeah, I just want you to know, like, if you can be bothered, if you think of a message that's nice that you wanted to say, and you can be bothered.

Just send it. Like, don't think that I'm not going to appreciate it because I will. Or, yeah, I'm really, I'm living and dying by the DM. I am living and dying by the Spotify comment at the moment. So I'm just really grateful and I feel so proud of, like, the space that we made

and I feel just really lucky that I can still be in it in some way. Well, I'll see you around. See you around. Wait. do I like that? I mean, it's not really mean I think, does it? It's pretty non-offensive, see you around. I do say it all the time.

Let me know what you think of that if you're still here. All right. Well, I will see you around. I'll see you next week. I never want to leave at the end. I never want to go. Yeah, I'll see you around. Be good.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Look after yourselves. Oh, if you're in New York, would you have a bagel for me, please? Would you? Yeah, be good, guys. and love you, a ton. Thanks for being here.

See you around, maybe.