Goes Without Saying - taking breaks (& breakdowns): where the hell you been loca?

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

behind every #girlboss is a mental health crisis and impending breakdown. in this episode, sephy & wing reflect on productivity, goals, and success. if ~in 4 week’s time~ you don’t hear from us… assume the worst <3xxxjoin the conversation every monday.come and chat in our book club!speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram!you’re invited to our discord group chat: https://discord.gg/zuPH7gyeGp Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay?

So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Goes Without Saying, you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Wing. And I'm Sefi. And this is the season finale of... I don't know if this is technically the first or second season but it's our first season as seffy and wing um and we're going to be gone for four mondays for the four mondays in march you're going to be all on your own honestly having the time of your life i can imagine i feel like this is a great episode to end on i feel like this is

a really just felt like quite a light conversation. I felt quite at home, quite at peace, just chilled, a bit funny. A few hot takes in there. Yeah, I feel relaxed. Nice. Relaxed in the episode about relaxation. Oh, nice.

So topical. Okay, well, enjoy. I really hope you enjoy. Take one. All good? All good. Sorry, I was just testing that because I kind of just thought, are you editing this episode? Yeah.

Okay, good. Thank you. Just because then I was just like, is this all good? Yeah. It's all good. Okay, good. That's quite scary. Like, we were going to take off.

No, no. That was me just tapping around being like, is everything right? Because I'm not in control. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We yeah yeah yeah i don't want everything to be perfect for your special day stunning how are you anyway i'm good how are you good i feel like we are so this is obviously our last episode before the break that's right isn't it god you were looking at me like no it's not no i'm god jesus no i'm just intensely listening um yeah this is the last one before we leave you guys just for a brief intermission let's all collect our thoughts that sort of thing i feel like we're coming in with a bit of a bonanza are we that's fun well i definitely feel like we're a bit high energy

i think we are too we're a bit delirious. This is kind of my first human contact for a while. Like, as in, I'm in a bit of a chaotic... Basically, I was so excited. We were so excited for the break. Like, okay, we're gonna have a nice break, all of this. Then my mum went and decided to break her leg. Nightmare.

So I've been kind of living... She's in hospital right now. So I've been kind of the carer of the household. So now I've gone a bit mental at wing just kind of like hi another human please talk to me you're handling it amazingly i am handling it yeah i am yeah but it is nice to be talking to someone that isn't i'm not having to load the dishwasher and things like that so what a treat um what a treat to speak to you thanks well likewise thanks best best day of the week always always the highlight of my life to speak to you

so quite topical we're talking about rest recuperation in these capitalist times yeah and all of the guilt i think that comes with that yeah i feel like something we always say now all of that shit is uh kind of you're adding a layer of guilt and shame tell however you're feeling don't add a layer of guilt so i think in this one we're removing a layer of guilt and shame so i think in this one we're removing the layer of guilt and shame from rest and realization rightly so it's about time rightly so you know what doesn't have a have a place in rest guilt of guilt and shame no they do not go together no you're right bit of elbow grease and we'll get rid yeah so how are things apart from the broken leg and all of that they're not restful at the moment they're definitely not resting times

because because it's just everything is about the broken leg it's kind of i'm running into hospital i got stuck in this episode is broken leg colon broken leg colon not restful got stuck in a lift i got stuck in a lift oh yeah you did get stuck in a lift i got stuck between floors most people's nightmare i was actually kind of loving it um because i just thought this is a movie moment the drama i was like honestly i'm living for this kind of sure we it's kind of a finale it's kind of a setting of a play isn't it it's like you're set in one location it's one of the strangers together um but it wasn't like that we got out in 10 minutes it was fine um you made our life thank god yeah touching word i did make this is probably like the seventh or eighth time that i've touched wood in like the hour that we've been i know same i'm touching what i'm touching the kind of little table that i'm on right now nice always touching wood when i'm

with i know we're always coming with chaos but i do feel quite frantic right okay should we bring it down no no no i'm happy for it to be up up up and away okay unless you need to bring it down i think i could always trust me i can if there's anything i can do oh i can bring it to the fucking pits just watch me okay well let's not go all the way down oh you know what i can bring it down actually i haven't told you this yet the other day i was in zara and i had a panic attack and i had to leave no you haven't told me that what happened serves me right that's my fast fashion karma for being in zara yeah nothing happened i mean let me explain i mean i feel like if you've ever been to the zara in bright if you have a step foot in any zara really oh i don't need to explain it for some reason it's the hottest place on earth

for some reason there's like 10 000 people in this building for some reason yeah um i don't even know what happened i just well actually't even know what happened i just well actually i do know what happened i was coming on my period that was probably it oh actually we have spoken about this not about the panic attack but you before your period i'm also not sleeping yeah bad just bad times i told you i'd take you to the pits anyway yeah yeah i just had a panic attack and i left and then I managed to, I was like, I have to go home. And then I stayed out and I really, I turned the day around. What did the panic attack feel like though?

Was it like a crying thing? It was crying, yeah. And couldn't breathe. Both. And just everything. Just like, you know when you really can't, oh, but you really need to contain yourself. Oh, do I know? Basically just all of human existence. Like you need to contain yourself. Yeah. But just all of human existence like you need to

contain yourself yeah but i can't that was me today yeah i had to evacuate but yeah we pulled it back and i'm actually really proud of that and you should be thanks i'm not that bad because they're hard to bring back like it was that feeling as well being in public where it's like okay you're in a shop i was freaking out here's about to stream yeah it's like i need to find a corner and i did think someone's gonna bump into me and be like wing and i was really gonna be like you've you've really met wing from sephie and wing like she was like talking about guilt and shame she was talking about being gaslit and she was crying it's like i got you got wing in top form it's the most wing wing could be really funny that zara as well is quite um intense it's quite like there's the entrance from the inside and there's the entrance from the

outside so it's almost like yeah and underneath they're coming at you from all angles it's coming from all angles mannequins surrounded no it's too much it's horrific i don't like zara anyway as a vibe i just think i i don't like the clothes i think i don't like zara i've never gone in and thought the shops is has anything for something for you yeah it's all either like it's it's all monochrome to start off with the whole vibe is so colorful is it still monochrome but very i just think i don't want any white they had some socks that you know my rug they had exactly my i have this rug that's oh they know it as if they don't know the rug look on wing's instagram or look on the

setting wing instagram if you can't think of the rug my rug precedes me um they had some socks that were essentially my rug your rug precedes you i think yeah my rug also precedes me you made a joke the other day you were like rug mum and i was like we kind of are i said that in private because i spilled all over my rug um anyway they had these socks that were basically my rug but i didn't get them because i just why not well i just thought anti-consumerism you know yeah let's give this place what it needs a bit of tears yeah um yeah so i took the workers to the pits i mean the zara if does anyone listening work for zara can you tell us what's going what are they doing to you in the staff room that you're also what is it are people rude or like sad there it's like a thing that they're all really it's just the whole effort the whole environment is tense so i'm not blaming them you know we're

talking a few episodes ago about like imposter syndrome and someone said something like um they get scared to go in coffee shops because they feel as if they're being judged i think that's how i feel in shops like zara like you don't belong oh god it's kind of like you don't really look like you're someone that could be purchasing like a blouse for example and you wouldn't catch me dead in one but also you don't look like you could be purchasing work trousers is it what do you think zara is have you been in zara before they do have a lot of work where I'll give you that. Anyway. Isn't it like black and white blazers?

I can feel the panic attack coming back. Let's change the subject. It's blazers. It is blazers. Yeah, I get that. They almost sell like strings of pearls. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough.

Look. I don't care. I'll take that any day. I think that's fair enough. So anyway, how are you guys any panic attacks recently i hope not um what else then yeah what else what are we doing so we obviously need a break oh my god more than anything all right can i actually say something and i was thinking this earlier it's a bit of a hot take if you will oh i'd love one not that i mean we have

kind of the hot takes on this podcast have run dry many months ago i think but it's a bit of a hot take if you will oh i'd love one not that i mean we have kind of the hot takes on this podcast have run dry many months ago i think but it's not necessarily a hot take it's just literally a passing thought and that to me is a hot take now thank you i was thinking um i was thinking about you know when you need a break? Yeah. And those sorts of things. Rest. All of that shit. And I was thinking about, so obviously, Sefi and I have got ourselves into, we've got our knickers in a twist, if you will.

Oh, they are twisted. And we, before we even realised it, it's like, oh shit, we probably, we could have done with a break, like, ideally, we would have been like, guys, in five weeks, we're taking a break. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, in a long, but we were like, two weeks time, we're taking a break i mean like you know in a long but we were like two weeks time we need a fucking break guys out of here i think two weeks is good for us i'm surprised today yeah like by the way there'll be no episode

on monday we're both in tears which we are still in tears but we've given ourselves two we've given two weeks of yeah we've handed in our notice well this episode hasn't gone out yet so no no don't drink something touch wood again same i think we've become quite paranoid if anyone's by any wood i would appreciate a little tap you're in the library tapping on your wooden oh are you at work tapping on the wooden table just can you tap some wood for us thank you thanks anyway stephanie and i get ourselves into a bit of a kerfuffle where we're like we need a break and we needed it yesterday yeah and i was thinking about how sometimes when you need a break it's almost like you only realize that you need a break when you're like six weeks

in to have having need to having needed a break right when it's too late yeah but i was thinking about okay so what kind of behaviors or what like patterns or what like phases of my life do i get myself into where i end up needing breaks in a really desperate way and i was thinking that actually it's not i think there's a traditional idea of it's just this linear idea of like oh you're super busy you're either like really busy with work or you've been really busy socially or you've just had a lot going on and then you need some time away and I think I realized earlier I at least had the passing thought if I don't want to tie to this was just off the record that at times when I'm really busy socially like I've had a lot going on, I've been out,

here, there, drinking, whatever, having a great time, all these demands, maybe having some travels, whatever, I'm busy. Or even at times where I am like waking up, having my morning or whatever, then starting to work at like eight and then finishing at like half 11, even after midnight, whatever. That's that. I often find I don't need breaks in those times. I need breaks when I am like emotionally busy. Yeah. Yeah. Which often like I can be more still physically in those times.

It's when my like emotional, my mental capacity, my to-do list is like at full yeah rather than i've necessarily got a lot physically going on or like i'm seeing a lot of people or i'm doing x y and z do you know what i mean because i actually think those times sometimes really fulfill me yeah and like i really feed off of the energy of like doing something that I'm enjoying or seeing people and having a good time yeah but it's like when I'm like mentally at capacity that's when I need the break definitely because it's almost about the the type of exhaustion that you're feeling because I think there's something about if you've been working on something you really care about or seeing people

you love having a great time the feeling of exhaustion you get is almost that your body is tired your brain is tired and you go to sleep and your your rest is kind of is a fulfilled rest rather than when everything you haven't been sleeping oh yeah life is kind of in that shitty face you haven't been sleeping i'm in a shitty sleeping or you've been kind of your food isn't very yummy your life is just a bit like in that weird in-between stage then someone says to you can you do me this favor no it was like the most exhausting thing ever it's just like oh my god even going to the post office for example as we sometimes say taking your asos all this back it's tough the worst fucking task in the world yeah whereas if you're having a great day and

you were even if you were fucking busy as shit taking them off it's like okay well i'll just do that on my way to wherever and it's not a big deal but if you've been lying in bed all day and then it's like okay i've got to take my asOS parcel back. So I'm like, no, I fucking won't. I'll just fucking not get the refund. It's fine. God, am I going to cry over an ASOS parcel? Gosh, emotional. I'll just not get the refund, I guess. I was nearly sick with emotion.

I'm absolutely exhausted in my life right now. Oh, God. For example, at the moment, i am incredibly overworked physically i'm i'm being pulled in every corner every direction i'm doing a million fucking things for everyone right now acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois.

Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field Guide to Gay Animals.

A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer, and we are a part. Find a Field Guide to Gay Animals on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com um and i went for a coffee just before this i was like right okay i have literally got like an hour a wet like where no one is asking me well actually everyone still was asking things but i just said i'm going for a coffee i need to not be doing anything also i need to read the book for book club so i went and got a coffee and it was like the the bar of rest was so quickly filled up by that almost like you know when you you can fill yourself like a sim and you were just having your comfort bar was being filled up it was just up up up up really quickly because it's almost because you're being pulled in every direction 10 minutes yeah

sometimes it can if you've only got an hour the hour sometimes cuts it and it's like okay i actually feel refreshed from that whereas i feel like when i'm in more of a not that i'm fucking loving this phase i'm actually fucking despising this phase it's too fucking much but i was literally living as a single mother because i didn't have kids so what am i doing um but when i'm for example stagnating in my bedroom being asked nothing nobody's asking me of anything i don't have anything to do i'm sort of loving my life but i'm also sort of a bit like oh god i'm not really resting i'm not really enjoying things i'm just around i can spend six fucking hours watching tv and feel no relaxation from that at all whereas if i just had half an hour on a really busy day so is that

because there's no guilt so when you're when you're in when you're taking your hours have your coffee earlier you're thinking i've really deserve this because i've been working my nuts off everyone else but then if you're on a day where you've got the whole day you add a layer of guilt and shame watching tv yeah that's a layer of guilt and shame oh there she goes again that famous layer peel it back like an ogre whatever soggy bottom always always that soggy bottom of guilt and shame but yeah i think it's that because the coffee it's like or going for an hour to have a coffee it's like no one could fucking shake me that i needed that i had all the faith in my bones that i needed an hour away from everyone someone actually said i have this thing where i don't feel guilty but then i think about the fact that other people do

so like oh other people would feel guilty for this do you know I mean almost like you're telling yourself yeah that it's not you shaming you it's other people that would shame you but it's actually just you shaming you through thinking that other people do you know I mean it's like oh I bet everyone would think that I'm like really lazy for doing this it's like well I think you just also think that you're really lazy totally yeah it's like there's no one here telling you that you didn't just get a little message whispering your ear by the way you're being lazy it's you i mean maybe they would but also it's just it's we just constantly feel like we're not doing and we're just never pleased with ourselves i think that to me is the um thing i think we're talking about it last week maybe the week before the um a tree falls in a forest there's no one to that's here it did it fall at all someone calls you

someone thinks you're lazy someone would think you were lazy for having a half an hour nap one they didn't know it the person is fictional two you would never know if they did think you were lazy so therefore it doesn't matter also just because an idea or a narrative about you might exist doesn't mean you have to run with it and make it true and take it with you to a dying day yeah like people will think a ton of shit about you also what's so bad about being lazy i've totally like this is the thing i always kind of ask myself oh oh god i'm being lazy so i'm allowed to be lazy funny did you see a funny review that was like i really love these girls because they really just they're so weird and they really normalize being lazy i thought oh fuck it out it hurts to hear it the tree just

fell in the forest and i really heard it that's gutting good is it oh god make me laugh okay yeah we normalize that and a million other things i love these girls to normalize for you guys i'll do it i love these girls they really normalize being ugly stupid little bitches whatever you need so i like this message that someone said they said if i'm in my room watching netflix and a family member comes in i immediately feel embarrassed about relaxing after doing work and pretend i'm still working if they ask and i was gonna say to you have you ever found yourself doing that where i don't know where you like for example around watching tv or doing anything you're playing sims for example someone comes in and you feel the need to like hide doing what you're doing are you quite good at like owning it um i don't think i really hide what i'm doing but i almost think

i i don't i don't think anyone ever i don't think i think it is just a mystery what i'm doing yeah do you know i mean like i don't say so i could be doing anything so true but i get that i do get that if you were watching tv you were in your you were in your room watching tv um kind of some kind of mailman walks in and says so my boyfriend then potentially okay we'll use it i was kind of thinking because it wouldn't be judgment he would just be like okay cool like i wouldn't expect him to be judgmental oh right so just someone well i'm just thinking for example someone walks into my room i'm not thinking close people but just a housemate yeah just like i don't know so here's okay maybe this is why then is that i feel like i am either living with people that i'm comfortable with or if i'm not comfortable with them they're not coming in my room totally i'm like they don't give us we don't give a shit about what each other

is doing do i mean those are the only two examples that i've had yeah so i feel like if someone like in the times where housemates have come into my room it's you can you can see what you're doing yeah you know you're not surprised that i'm playing since like no one's shocked do you know what i mean like no one moved it's fine whereas like if for some reason i there have also been situations where i've been living with people that i haven't had a good relationship with if they come in i don't care that i i because i don't we don't get along or what for whatever reason yeah i don't care to show you that i'm doing something else if that makes sense but i do get that i do get the pressure of i don't know i almost feel like just in a really broad sense having eyes from someone else even if it's in a really casual way i just almost get the instinct to just neaten up my life i think that's it for

other people but it's like why do we care like i care so much about what other people are perceiving of my life censorship of insane relaxing of my reality but but then it's only some aspects because if you if someone walked in and you've got kind of um some pictures open for some reason that's like okay no i'm still i think that i don't get that i think it doesn't matter what i'm doing well you're definitely straightening up your posture and being like okay i'm this is my yeah this is what i'm doing but i think there's something that is a little bit mortifying about someone walking in and there's like the packet of crisps that you've just eaten and the tv there's like the tv show you're watching it's a bit like oh god you caught me mid

chilling right just i remember an example when this was in first year me and my friend were lying in bed and we were watching like probably the office there were two of you yeah yeah yeah don't tell me you were like what the hell you were embarrassed no no not in front of not in front of my friend but we had no no but the two of you were like it was go on go on tell the story no no i mean it's yes we were very embarrassed we were we were lying in bed two of us in a single bed watching tv yeah we had just eaten two packets of crisps each so there were four empty crisp packets on the bed i think that's too many i think that's child's play oh it's not two packets yeah sure i could do that any day

but knock knock knock on the door in walks the boy that she kind of fancies walks in okay and it's things like that being caught in that moment of like we're lying in bed there's like crisp packets everywhere yeah you've been caught in a moment of relaxation it's like oh i wish wish wish you'd walked in on the moment of maybe i'm trying on my new sexy underwear that's what i was actually about to say is is it about a moment of relaxation or you've been caught with your guard down of like patriarchal hotness i think i think there's a combination of both like girls aren't supposed to laze about in the middle of the day eating crisps they're supposed to like berries that they foraged with their womanly powers like sat up with their legs crossed

i mean like you're how dare you recline how dare you have your feet out unless it's kind of an arched back unless you're on all fours unless you're literally waiting to be fucked in the ass how dare you not be sat with your legs folded so neatly like kate middleton literally but i think there's a combination of both that it's the a boy walks in and it's of course you were supposed to be the vision of heavenly beauty in that moment and not someone that's just eating two bags of crisps they're just like spilling on your bed but i think there was also the thing of being caught like even for example if one of the other housemates had walked in in that moment it's a bit like oh don't mind us like yeah yeah sort of thing it's like oh you caught us in a moment of like you're the performance has slipped because

it was like yeah um a pure moment of we're just chilling and it's like the performance has slipped because it was like yeah um a pure moment of we're just chilling and it's like the performance has slipped as you should yeah goes without saying yeah i'll chill no no i completely get you the performance isn't there you've been walking around the campus all day as if you're trying to mask yourself yeah you're walking around like your big name then someone walks in yeah all of a sudden yeah and suddenly you're a child in their bedroom yeah and it's like oh god you've caught me watching watching a tv like it's just suddenly so silly yeah yeah no totally not 100 i'm a bit shocked at myself actually why that i seem to not i'm let me just really think for a sec no i don't think so look the only i i completely i completely agree but i think not in my experience but probably only there's a few

reasons here as i said i either was living with people that i was comfortable with or people that i didn't give a shit about and also i'm thinking is there i think i was an only child as a kid so it's like i was constantly anything i was doing i would have been doing on my own and then being interrupted by people anyway so maybe i got quite used to like justifying my own actions do you know what i mean it's like i was constantly talking to myself or like being a fucking nutter like i mean it makes perfect sense is there no do you know what i mean doing things i'm no i'm sorry i was just gonna say there are no shows in example like like specific shows that would be kind of embarrassing to you because i think there's something about like yeah we were watching the office that's a safe show in my

opinion my humble opinion safe show but like say someone walked in and you were watching kind of doctor who i'm slightly i'm i'm not even slightly i'm incredibly embarrassed it depends who it is i think i i'm not in those situations with people that i care what they think i think that's my lucky cracks i mean that is yeah great i think i also i i have a personal thing with like being with like living spaces and that sort of thing after my my pits we don't even have to go there but i just think i think i just feel so not at home all the time in my own home that it's like if i'm sat watching doctor who i'm i'm almost a bit maybe it's just i think that that is what everyone doing. I think I just see it in a different way.

Do you know what I mean? Like, almost because... No, I think that's great. I don't know. Because I never have felt, like, settled. Like, for a long time, I hadn't felt settled or, like, at home or, like, at peace at home or, like, I was comfortable in a home, quote-unquote, environment.

That almost... I almost had that idea of, like, the longing the longing like the desire to just be so comfortable that you're just sat watching doctor who somewhere that almost if i am ever doing that it doesn't feel like a weird embarrassing thing it feels like an amazing like oh lucky normal thing does that make sense and and to be honest you you're right yeah that is right yeah it is right but it's i i completely i'm constantly censoring myself to literally it doesn't matter who you are i'll censor myself but i think the thing with like being at home and letting your guard down and being relaxed if i'm ever in that situation i'm

just so happy about it and i almost think that because that's like i feel like the weird one if i'm not being relaxed do you know i mean like the weird one if i'm not being relaxed do you know i mean like my insecurity is like oh i'm not relaxed here so i need to seem like i am so if i was looking like i am then i think i look normal um yeah i almost think that that's what i should be doing because then i seem more normal god i mean that probably doesn't make sense 100 i think we've had a moment together where we've watched i mean we've watched a lot of tv together when we've watched some we've watched them we put in some hours yeah but i think there was we've definitely had some moments where people have remember when i don't know

like when we walk when people walked in and we're watching the secret together and they're like you're watching this christian oh i was thinking about we had like made plans but we also had made plans within ourselves to watch tv all day and then our plans arrived early like people literally arrived at our house oh god i've just realized what you're talking about in my mind i was like you know before people get here like i'll have a shout i'll get changed whatever do you know what i mean like i had a whole i think you even had like we were caught with our bums out basically that was embarrassing like didn't we have vegan fish fingers couldn't't be grosser.

Yeah, it couldn't be worse. We literally had prepared for a movie night. Knock, knock, knock on the door. A load of gals dressed to the nights. By the way, we prepared for a movie night. It was probably like 3pm. Oh no, it was early. But we'd prepared for...

We were settling in early. In August, probably. It's like middle of the summer. People are all going out and we thought, let's start the TV now. We've closed the curtain. Vitamin D. Bit too sunny in here.

Who needs that? Get the oven on, preheat that for the vegan fish fingers. Disgusting. There's a real bonanza. People show up and I remember the girls that showed up. Oh, we know it's party. One of the girls showed up. She said, oh my God, are you baking something?

It smells amazing. And we were like, no, it's vegan fish fingers. She thought we were making cookies. But it's like, no, sorry. We thought we were being amazing hosts. You seem to have mistaken us for normal people. That was actually our afternoon snack. It's a whole tray.

We've been grazing all day. We really had. Yeah, we emptied the bucket. Sorry. We were going gonna watch game of thrones and eat vegan fish fingers oh my god we instead and we would have had a great time doing it yeah i remember the second they left we were like right let's eat these things i remember they were at the door and i looked at you like please send them away oh my god and they had to come in because also we were like if any part of you has ever get rid of them get rid of them now we were fully in like pajamas they showed up like we'd had it

scheduled dressed to the nines oh we're fucking dumb that was insane though that was one of the moments i think we we realized in that moment because i think afterwards we made a decision we were like we are giving too much of ourselves away willingly like we need to almost charge for our time because that was an event yeah we didn't we were too passive there we should have just said i'm sorry this is not a good time but instead we said come on in stay for four hours do you think they were at the door i think we could have said you guys can stay for an hour i mean we had a range but we hadn't arranged they showed up like three hours early and they stayed for like five hours i can't remember now but all i know is that i was

taken aback to say the least it was a real deer in the headlights and also they were like we pure panic drinking wine and like it was just all we wanted to do was essentially be eating like scraps in front of the tv that was a low point but also a high point that is so funny the night went from a 10 out of 10 vegan fish fingers game of thrones and winning to a low low two yeah honestly but i think we decided that moment like okay we need to boundaries people we need to start saying no but also we haven't i don't think as a duo we are very good at boundaries with each other or with others't i don't think as a duo we are very good at boundaries with each other or with others because i don't think we're good with either oh no not with each other i mean

i don't know boundaries i think we're not we're good at boundaries because we don't have any with each other no but between us oh do you want some boundaries with me that's fine i think we do look not a conversation don't answer that anyway no but i think between us as an entity this is why we need the break as well because we're just like who are we yeah like as a as a duo like if we're sephie and wing from sephie and wing what even is that like we started chatting shit when there was no one listening now they're suddenly now you're listening and i think we just need to adjust to our new friend i think so i think it's also we need we're suddenly i think it's the the three part thing of we need to you need to work out who you are now i need to work out who i am now and then we need to work out what the

combination of that yeah those two quite insane people what does that mean as a duo why what how when uh-huh how how most importantly how and when and how and what and what yeah it's all yeah the whole thing is yeah to me um so i think that would be great if we get some clarity on that on the break but unfortunately there's been a broken bone in the family and i am the witch doctor that's supposed to mend it there's always shit going on isn't there but that's fine we're okay handled handled consider the situation motherfucking handled what's that from i have no idea consider the situation motherfucking handled i have no idea it's i think it's the last line in get out oh wow the tsa the tsa guy rod or whatever his name is gets out of the car and goes i'm tsa motherfucking

a consider this situation fucking handled wow yeah i didn't i would never have got that i watched it the other day that's how i know it anyway right um i really like this message and i'll read it to you now this person said because i compare myself so the question was also we should say we asked specifically half an hour in we should maybe say um we specifically asked um why do you feel guilty when taking time for yourself just assuming that you do and then we added and if you don't the question for you is how does it feel to be god's favorite this person said because i oh fuck me sorry because i compare myself to others who can seemingly cope really well with life and assume there's just something wrong with me and i just thought that was interesting because there was a lot of as well messages about feeling like we're in competition

and feeling like you're um like behind and like you're just trying to catch up on this like cycle and you're just constantly always behind where you need to be competition is one of the worst feelings that feeling of being competitive with someone especially when you identify the person i mean it's great to identify the person who you are competitive with but it's horrible when it's fixated on one person it's like i feel a sense of competition with them we've spoken before about how it's a particularly female female friendship thing but I also think it's a massively a social media thing as we've discussed many many many a moon ago and many a time um it's so horrible to be like I feel like I'm not doing as well as everyone else because

also it's such a fucking lie like how convenient that everyone feels like they are the one not doing as much as everyone else it's mental exactly yeah you know what it also is it's like you're comparing yourself to other people and you're also comparing yourself to a version of you that isn't real yeah yeah i have this thing where you had said something about this um and i think it was something that you'd read but i feel like for me i have this thing where i'm like there's a version of me inside of me that is just like happier yeah that is just like happier and better yeah and that's my thing do you know what i mean it's like i'm trying to claw away and get to that the thing that you're referencing is yeah um the thing about like the inner skinny girl and it's a

thing that roxane gay was talking about that i think roxane gay in her book hunger highly recommend highly recommend that is roxane gay the book is hunger for the people that i apparently can't talk on this podcast she's quoting oprah talking about how women grow up with this i think it's roxane gay quoting oprah i believe in that thing well she's she's talking about how Oprah she was Oprah was doing like a I mean she's not quoting Oprah in a good way she's basically saying that Oprah would talk about this idea of like there's a skinny woman inside you you can reach her all you've got to do is not fucking eat and how do you feel about that because you love Oprah I love Oprah but i think she's very i mean she's got her own but you're here for the oprah as well i think oprah has been on a whole journey

under the bus if you have to gail i'm here for you you know it um but yeah oprah i mean she's the owner of weight watchers i mean i can only yeah go along with ww rebranded i must say yeah to hide what it is about um but um roxane gay is talking about that in hunger about how we all have this like myth mythology version of like the skinny girl that exists within us all that we must just get to we can all get that downturn any version of us that is current that is existing now is kind of the worst version and there's this idea that if you can just get to the real version of yourself and i think that expands to all elements of life that is not just about weight or it's not just about anything well it's not just about weight because it's also about there's a version of you

that is smarter than you there's a version of you with perfect hair and if you just use the perfect shampoo and this and you just get fucking olaplex you can have that version and the version of your head is now is the like five out of ten and come on you can get there you can get there to the ten out of ten but realistically you can't your hair is your hair your body's your body your brain is your brain of course you can read books and all of this stuff but there's not this version of you that is ultra communicative and if you practice communication enough you can be the 10 out of 10 communicators like yeah you can you can improve your skills but it's not about there's this version of you that is the perfect version of yourself and that you're trying trying trying

to get there it's like maybe the implication that the current version of you basically is unworthy because or is not real is not the true version of yourself that you're aiming to there's the real version of yourself which is the carrot in front of you that you're chasing and the real the version of you that exists now is just like a work in progress it's just the pilot season of the real yeah it's not complete your evoke your your final form is there and you're trying to get to it's like no that is just the worst fucking mindset it's just capitalism yeah i think that's completely it because i think even if you've never thought even if it's not your like even if it's not a skinny

girl thing there's well it depends who you are or what you think about but I definitely have always felt like and I think there's an emphasis on like a future version of you that is just better but my problem is if I so I'm living with this idea that there's a version so for me it's just there's a happy person yeah or like a successful person that that's my thing there's a happy and successful version of me and she does exist in the future and i need to get to her but the problem with that is that my vision of that is so rigid and it so heavily tells me that the version of me isn't is shit my current version of me is shit that i only hold myself back from ever getting close to a version of me that i could really love because you won't know what that version is

you cannot even picture your final form quote unquote you can't even picture all the amazing ways in which you're going to grow to have this fixed version of and i do think it's informed by all of these things that it probably does look a certain way and she probably does think a certain way and they're probably so different to the way you think and look and act now that it's almost like it's based on nothing you want it's real experiences to come in and form you but if you're looking for this version that you've got that's basically kind of implanted in your mind this version of this perfect version of wing it's almost you can't even imagine how much more amazing you're going to be than that it just limits you still

it's still yeah that's true but i feel like it's it's like a goals thing i think it's in place it's like instead of having a healthy relationship with goals i have and it was I have a version of me that is I don't know just better I think but were you talking about the skinny girl thing because I've never thought that before and I don't personally connect to that but I've always felt like there's a happier or more successful version because I feel like I am the skinny version but I'm not the happy version and I'm not the successful version yeah and do you know what that looks like because I think part I think there are things there yeah yeah I think there are so for example there'll be things like so cut to me like four years ago maybe not even

then because yeah I maybe wouldn't have known exactly what that looks like but there would have been a version of me in the past that would have been like the successful happy version of me she has a podcast for example but holding on to that idea I will drown myself in it and I will drown myself in it so much that I'll never feel good enough to bring myself to a microphone and start my podcast and that's more so what I mean about like I might have all of these visions and goals but because I'm so tied to them and so scared of them in such an overwhelming way it's excruciating I'll never feel good about myself enough to start putting them into practice

because i'm waiting for the better version of me to take those roles because i think that i am not the person who can start working towards that goal because i'm not worthy of trying it yet yeah yeah because it needs to be perfect it's like well i can't i what if my goal is being a premier league footballer it's a safe one because everyone knows it's not real if my goal is being a premier league footballer it's a safe one because everyone knows it's not real if my goal is a premier league footballer I'm gonna put it off and put it off and put it off until I'm past the age of retirement because I was a perfectionist about it and I was ridiculous about it and I stopped myself from ever picking up a football and getting myself down onto the pitch with the lads because i thought you're not good enough at

football yeah i was dead lassoing it up yeah but if you are limiting yourself so and that's it's just too much hey do you know what i think that's so much about not being ready i think there's an idea that yeah you have to be ready to do a certain thing that if you want to um audition for the play you have to be ready to do it i'm not ready i'm not ready it's like no you're never going to be ready because the thing that you're waiting for to be ready is this fantasy to come true which basically is you have a complete personality transplant is the consequence of you trying exactly is you have to become a whole different person you have to completely transform the way you think the way you behave the way everything the way you look

whatever to become this version of yourself that you've been having in your mind that's the complete version of yourself the successful version in order to even do the audition but it's like yeah it's not the auditions never gonna ways that we hold ourselves back i'm gonna do it you're never gonna fucking do it you're never gonna get on the pitch because you hate yourself yeah basically you hate yourself that's what it is it is just scary that's why i i think fantasy as a thing i mean it's my fucking favorite thing but there is such a dangerous i think it goes about saying it's so fucking dangerous to have a fake version of yourself in your head and as much as it's like oh what strive for the better thing strive for the

better thing but it's like if in the process how are you striving telling yourself because you're just sat in your misery how are you striving you're not moving you're not doing anything you hate yourself that's not striving that's misery there's torture where is the striving going on here well because in the process you're telling yourself that anything you do... Is shit. Is shit. Unless you live up exactly to the illusion that you've created. You can't.

You literally can't because they are a fantasy. And also it's shit because you did it. If someone else did it, you'd be like, oh, for fuck's sake, I wish I did that. 100%. Why did they get to do the thing that I wanted? It is scary scary isn't it yeah yeah um thank you everyone who sent messages like responses in i feel like there were such good

responses and to be honest if we're coming to the end of the season thanks to anyone who has ever been a part of this in any way yeah um let us keep you company whether or not you've sent in a response over the course of the season or not just thanks for being a part of this which sounds so formal but it's it's literally true it's exactly what i mean yeah um it feels like we're ending if we think where we started the season quote unquote was when we became sephian wing as an entity when we merged beings and became this crazy monster that's where we started it we didn't even the name sephian wing we're like will people even start calling us that no one's referring to us as my princess now thank god yeah wing's a baby name apparently someone said they're gonna call their baby wait i can't have like multiple people

god that is mental it is a cute name but i mean baby name is a bit far but i don't also don't want to diss your baby so oh my god it's so cute it's the cutest but considering it was like a joke name yeah beginning and now it's very much so people's children and now i feel like where we're ending the season which we only decided it was the end of the season two weeks ago but it's the end of the season all of a sudden it's come around quick suddenly perfect wrap end of the season breakdowns start coming and they don't stop coming they do and i feel like we're in a completely completely different place to then so i can't even i can't even imagine this is why i shouldn't have a fake version of yourself in the future because i can't even imagine where

we're going to be say in a year's time or two years time or whatever and i can't even imagine like when like what's changed for you like when you found us versus now did you find us recently has your life plummeted in the future since you start listening to us have you come to the pits with us yeah you've hit bikini bottom yeah I'm just it's just mental I just think oh I don't know what I fucking think basically thank you so much everyone that has even listened to one episode if this is

your first and last episode thanks for coming along for the ride yeah thanks for um bearing with and kind of just what an exchange I feel like what a what a weird connection we have i know it's weird as well because i feel like we started off with such a i feel like we've just been shedding layers and layers of guilt and shame jokes

layers and layers of performance with every single one and i feel like yeah i don't know what i feel like maybe we need to start putting some clothes maybe yeah god i'm a bit too naked no um my dad always be more naked sex out so fucking true so fucking true um earlier my dad i started crying to my dad being like and he was like think about what people your listeners on the podcast would say to this and i was like they would say this is this is pretty much what we'd expect it's like almost the the people in my life think that it's this version of myself this girl boss version that and it's almost like no yeah no i think it would be fine to cry yeah no it is so but it would never have been oh we know each other in an intimate way in this space but that would that wasn't the case at the beginning that wasn't the case i don't think we

knew i i personally and i said to sephi i don't think i said this on the podcast but i said sephi the other week like i'm not i'm not brave in that way and i don't think we set out, I personally didn't, knowingly set out with my involvement in this podcast to be, like, especially vulnerable. Or, like, I didn't think that we would be... I don't know. I didn't think we would be honest in the way that we have been. But I think that's the best bit, is that we are all comfortable with each other in this trio that we've got going on yeah agreed i think that's one of the weirdest

directions it's gone in and i think most of that has been in this quote unquote season which we've never referred to as a season before but suddenly it's like season's ending it was a season just so you know oh season yeah that thing you were listening to it's a season by that was a highly curated season that had um a lot of planning going into it that was a whole season that was a themed season um but in that season um yeah it was a weird direction for it to go and it's like storyline introduced that no one anticipated it's like suddenly why were we why were we so honest we started off highly performing i think maybe not i think it's all we have to give i don't what i think we were not even being fake i think we just were regurgitating what we expected people want to hear on a podcast it's like oh you have a

podcast like say patriarchy loads of times like yeah i mean like get in the buzzwords and blah blah and we still do i still think about how this podcast is a a consumable thing how it's a product how are you going to enjoy it but i also think like i think what is makes this podcast funny now we're just going really meta i know which i hate to do but we do every time i think i think this is particularly interesting and i think it's perfect for the end of season combo season yes it feels like we're doing the friends reunion i don't know why we think we've been through like 30 years of like divorces addictions like all of a sudden we're like the end of the season it's like what um but i do think what makes this podcast a bit fun is the fact that you're essentially listening to a couple of nobodies which is what means having said at the beginning which is like

we're not two influencers or two celebrities or two anything who came and thought let's make a podcast and share our expertise we you are really getting a raw scrap of a podcast scraps scrappy scraping the barrel of scraps yeah but i do think there's something really fun in that yeah and and i think why we often get meta is because we wouldn't be honest if we didn't share with you listening what it feels like to suddenly have people listening i do think there's as much as it is annoying and super self-indulgent to get really meta in every episode and talk about podcasters having a podcast which is embarrassing yeah i think we would be doing you a disservice as the listener to pretend that we don't give a shit about people listening and and that we're having

to adjust to that it's it's like the most surreal thing yeah that's ever happened to us it's kind of transforming from a scrap to kind of a morsel and then you're going to a bite even more of a scrap it feels like but just in a weird it's weird isn't it i think it's i think we've am i gonna say leveled up i think we've we've gone to a new level i think undeniably i feel that we or not even as people we're still fucking scraps with scrappy dappy dudes let's bring that back i haven't said that in a while but i think the podcast has gone up a level in terms of i think it's a happier better place happiest place on earth well look if i don't have to lie about statistics in the emails then i know something's going well it's not bad anymore and i think we just need as we said we keep we've kept

on saying it we need time to process that because at the moment we don't even know what the fuck's going on and i think that's fun as a listener to know that like you're getting in real time the version of us that like we might look back on in a couple of years and thank god we shouldn't have said x y and z and blah blah blah oh yeah i'm already thinking and i think we're at the perfect point where it's like i just have so much love and like i really do feel the real connection between people who listen i'm talking about people who i know there are people listening who don't give a shit whatever i'm not talking to you i'm talking to you who really is paying attention and like who really is paying attention and

like who really is in because i know what it feels like to be in on things and i know that it's an exchange that we're having like you're feeling seen by sephian wing well now sephian wing are being seen by you that that is an exchange it's a mutual thing and there's so much love in that not to get water sign on everyone not to come all over everyone and make it watery but it just feels so it's just a love what a lovely thing and that's so rare yeah i just think it's so nice yeah it's the best thing it's and i think we're at that point where it's like there's so much love versus like being mutually invested in everyone do you know i mean we're not um kylie jenner it's not like oh i've got people who care about me and i'll never be able to see them like because i don't know who they are it's

like no i know you not it feels quite cozy at the moment it's like so cozy yeah it feels cozy at the moment there's people that um there are people that are really in and we're not quite at the level where we're seeing a lot of hate which i am loving this level i say we've leveled up can we stay at stay at this level for a while i'd be perfectly happy just to sit here for a long time yeah because we've got some processing to do yeah shall we go because i feel like that was and i'm sensitive so i won't be able to cope on any other levels yeah let's go um we'll enjoy four weeks without us yeah that's really really scary coming up guys scary for us i mean yeah no oh my god love love love it but i think i'm quite i'm quite scared to have four weeks oh i don't know i'm scared to force i'm fucking excited to have four weeks but

i think it like week two i'm gonna be a bit like well this is a bit weird i think i'm being a bit bad and in my head i'm thinking of all of the things that i'm gonna do for sephian wing while we're off which exactly same but i think yeah no we can't do that i'm like already planning like the new things i know i know i know i'm so anyway it's ridiculous i'm so excited to come back who knows we might come back with a bang or we might just come back with a little snap, crackle and pop. Yeah, a little pop. We're back. No promises. Yeah. Anyway, let's go.

If you don't hear from us. I seem the worst.