Goes Without Saying - the art of being selfish: productive or problematic?

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

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And once again, another great app from us, the iconic duo. This one, not quite sure where we've been in this episode bizarre side of us has come out um but we are talking a lot about standing up for yourself not being exploited not being walked all over and kind of the hope that as we get older we find our voice and feel more comfortable in ourselves and feel more comfortable showing that to other people right god that sounds great i'd listen hey hey hey how's it going you had something you wanted to share with the group oh well i've already told you now yeah i know but everyone else needs to hear it well it was just quite funny i was

immortalized in sephian wing gold well we were just about to record and i haven't walked my dog yet i'm at home at the moment i haven't walked my dog yet and my brother was like can you walk him i was like oh um i'm gonna do it after we record like i've got to record the podcast and he was like sorry but no one actually relies on it i just thought that's the funniest language ever it's so brutal no one relies on it no one actually relies on it so can you do it now meanwhile your dog's like please let me out but i'm gonna walk him later but i am actually risking my life because i'm gonna have to walk him in the dark in the dark i know same here but we can do it things we do so we just found out that hagrid's

dead i know is that is that chamber of secrets yeah yeah that's when he's when he's in the diary oh and tom really was like you can't keep that sting at hogwarts or whatever he says and he's in the diary oh hagrid and tom reed was like you can't keep that sting at hogwarts hagrid it's a beast i mean it's something like that i'm paraphrasing hagrid it's fucking disgusting get it away from me it's rank and it's freaking me out hagrid hagrid it's making me feel sick and we just found out that's sad news yeah we just found out sad news whilst i was trying to find a photo a video actually of jack harlow to show to wing looking because i love the way he looks at lil nasa x in a video that i saw ages ago i was trying to find this exact look yeah and then wing told me hagrid's dead yeah sorry i couldn't couldn't keep it from you absolutely

so sad so starting up with a bit of a bummer but it's all good it's all good we're talking about selfishness which i was interested when you said it i'm really like intrigued to hear what you want to talk about why we're sitting down today i'm sure you're all wondering why i've gathered you here today I would like to make a toast to selfishness oh okay I love it I feel like do you remember I think I said this on the podcast I don't like to live with regrets no regrets right no regrets yeah no regrets however if I had to look back and be like is there anything looking back I might switch up a little bit like what could i do different sort of thing obviously i wouldn't it goes without saying everything led me here to you

and to seven wing and etc etc like obviously wouldn't change anything but when i look back i'm like i could have been a bit more of a bitch like i could have been a bit more of a bitch like oh i could have been a bit more selfish right okay go on like i look back and i'm like you were amazing you're great you did everything that you needed to do and you're a commendable being i admire that girl at uni i admire that small child getting through life i admire myself however i think my priorities were slightly i had my knickers in a twist a little bit they were on the people pleasing side yeah right goes without saying and i feel like looking back i'm like if there's one thing you could have added a little bit more of it could have been a bit more like fuck you lot was that your stomach what the fuck was that from the void did you hear that it was always like

i like trying to get out it was almost my stomach gurgling because i've drunk a lot of tea today a lot of tea a lot of tea decaf do you want to hit oh my god are you fucking joking me i was just about to say do you want to hear something lame i'm drinking decaf tea i've got mug with me right now god we're embarrassing then i know it's because my mum was like should we have decaf last night we're watching this david tennant series watch all four episodes four hours last night how do you feel about david tennant oh i've got some theories going but i don't think i want to announce i think you might get cancelled for saying yeah i don't have any theories but okay no i'm gonna i'm gonna say i'm not actually saying okay specifically no you're not you're not yeah let's be serious

he's the kind of guy who yeah no kind of celeb. There are certain male celebrities that are kind of untouchable in pop culture. Like, I would say that Louis Theroux is one of these people, my king. I've got him on a sweatshirt. I love him. I would say I was ahead of the crowd. Got him on a sweatshirt. Got him on a pedestal. Yeah, you were.

You were the number one fan. I've got him on a pedestal. Yeah, he's my king. David Tennant is another person that is quite quite untouchable in like british tv culture you don't necessarily have him on a sweatshirt um no i don't my brother could though he fucking loves him really yeah he loves david tennant um but we but i always think like there are certain people that they're so untouchable that they kind of freak me out it's like i'm not saying these men have any fucking skeletons in their closet at all i fucking love them both love one of them um and i'm indifferent towards the other

but i do think there's something to be said for like if someone is praised so much i'm kind of a bit suspicious because they don't exist just on a normal level recently yeah my case in point have you seen that yeah i have yeah i don't really know anything about it but it's always like yeah allegedly but there's always going to be if someone is put on this level of like they're almost above their godlike they're this perfect person that everyone's oh my god i love him i love him i love him it's like okay well that's a bit fucking weird but anyway i don't actually know what i'm talking about well it makes a lot of sense doesn't it it's kind of um wife goes missing go to the husband exactly those sorts of things and also we've seen the story time and time and

time again yeah there's a point when fucking rolf harris was an untouchable person oh i love him sure yeah yeah we've seen this time and time again guys um but i'm also not saying people are dodgy i'm saying they're great and oh you were drinking decaf tea yeah when we were watching the david tennant series well your mom probably thought sephia you're going a bit mental going on about these theories i think you need to start drinking decaf they're not theories they're no they're not you're not getting cancelled for that don't worry i won't let it i'm not going down without you also i love them both um no you don't i love one of them all right we've done that one already yeah yeah um sorry guys it's late at night we've had too much um late at night it's 6 30 bedtime and i'm in my robe again have you seen that video where she's like try and be an influencer try it because it's 5 19 and i'm still working

yeah anyway so we're on the decaf tea yeah and what was the other thing we were saying about being selfish i guess yeah i think we were distracted by my stomach boring um yeah so what are your thoughts on that on being too nice in your life sort of thing not even too nice yeah i guess sometimes i just kind of look back and i'm like there were a few moments there where you could have pushed it a little bit and you didn't you you played it safe and you played it nice which is all well and good but like what does that really give you in the long run sure like you can be a really nice person and whatever you've got your heart in the right place those sorts of things but what does that matter like if you like you're

doing that for others to see value in you what does this all matter though if you are not going to see the value in yourself enough to for example stand up in yourself stand up for yourself do you know what i fucking love this no it makes the most sense because i feel my first initial thought was like yeah you were too nice in school like i was 100 like for example yeah not even the students all fucking fine you guys are great oh it's the teachers the teachers i was being walked all over but also i also thought of a thing that i'm in a kind of debate with myself at the moment so do does anyone remember probably a couple months ago in episodes a few episodes ago 10 episodes yeah okay episodes not david tennant episode episodes of this very podcast goes back i was saying i came to an

episode very very angry and i was saying that i had been an encounter in an encounter with a man that had really pissed me off anyone remember that yeah i remember it it lives in my memory give a little brief summary for those who don't remember what his we missed on glee sort of thing it was i was in a situation where a man was incredibly incredibly patronizing and rude to me and it was one of those moments where i really didn't stand up for myself at all and it was just really really wrong like everything that was being said was just really patriarchal and horrible and i really reduced myself to the role of like girl that was just absorbing it and just smiling through it and

just going on with her life which makes me sick but it kind of was the only way to get through it and now i'm in a thing where some more stuff has happened some more little like little tiny things and i'm debating with myself to kind of whether i should bring it up or like play it safe like i'm debating because now i'm well out of this situation like there is no it's not a romantic situation i'm also going to put that out there yeah i'm well out of this situation i have said goodbye to these people that were in my life am i being vague enough yeah you're being so fake well i can't say goodbye to these people i was fired it can't go in it can't go in it cannot go in oh god really it's the best joke you've ever told don't say that because i'm a sucker for that kind of thing honestly i love it but anyway yeah go on

um i said goodbye to these people in my life yeah maybe it can go in i don't know but now that they're not in my life anymore i'm debating kind of do i she killed them all they're buried six feet under do i send a message to essentially their leader and say to them, like almost hate to cause any trouble, but almost the thing of, I don't want to silence myself anymore because it was really fucked up. And I want to say, hey, I just want to like flag genuinely. Look out for anyone else that this could happen to. Yeah. But I just want to sort of flag some things that fucking happened with this guy i just want to say that this was said and this happened and this

happened and it wasn't right either bring it up again or just like play it safe and not say anything at all and like the the instinct i think is to be like okay let's just let it lie let's let it lie yeah move on with your life that's on you now you internalize it and that guy gets to walk around his life not knowing he did anything wrong or do you bring it all up again and say sorry i just want to let you know that there were some things that make me feel really uncomfortable that was said and really weird that you did and i think you need to know that these were wrong but then i almost think for my own safety do i not say any of these things for my own ease of existence do i say nothing but it also kind of rubs me the wrong way the idea that these things that were wrong yeah happened and what i'm not allowed to fucking

say the thing that gets me is by you not not that you have to do anything ever and this goes across all situations not just for you i mean you never have to do anything ever and this goes across all situations not just for you i mean you never have to do anything don't lift a finger seffy but i mean anyone who's in a situation like this obviously you're not um obligated to deal with anything in a certain way for example but the thing that i think is jarring or like tricky with it is that when you don't say anything, we leave the door open for them to do it again and again to somebody else. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's my biggest issue with it. Like there's one thing. Yeah, I move on with just some annoying things that were said. But almost it's when things like that

are unchecked in the small ways, it really leaves the door open for the big things to happen. Because it's like it almost teaches the lesson of like oh you got away with that thing and you got away with that thing so maybe you could get away with this fucking yeah who's stopping you no one no one literally no one and i almost feel like is there a responsibility to say something but also why should that have to be your job when you've already been put through the shit of it it's like jesus i have to clean up this mess that you made you made yeah and there's an element of that that feels unfair but then i also think um someone has to clean up the smell the only reason i wouldn't be doing it is out of like fear really of like fear of like what what's going to be said

back am i going to have to open a whole fucking thing where now i'm going to say actually well they might say that didn't happen or they might say oh no you've misunderstood it or they could say any old shit and i've got to be like i've really got to fight my corner and like know what know what i'm gonna say well i think even if it did come back and they say, we're having a private conversation. Do you know what I mean? This almost feels like I'm genuinely talking to you, like kind of giving you advice.

Like, Sophie, even if they say this, what you have to remember is, but it's true, what you have to remember is, even if they do say, hey, that never happened and blah, blah, blah, blah, kind of doesn't matter because you can't control what they think or what they do and blah, blah, blah, but you know what you, do you know what I think or what they do and blah blah blah but you know what

you do not i mean need to get off your chest yeah it's just weird because also like it's not something that's super deep as well like it's not something that it's it's almost sounding like oh something something really really bad or something no nothing nothing like that it's purely this in the small ways that i think go unsaid in a work environment. It goes without saying. Yeah. But yeah, so it's nothing deep that happened, but it's almost just like small, not even small, moments where people spoke, I would say, fucking out of turn at me and made me

feel like a fucking piece of shit for no reason than their own ego. And I just think, actually, it's just almost like we all know the fucking thing where someone touches you in a slightly inappropriate way there's nothing too much it's not it's not almost so much so that a man could deny that it was sexual but that you know any fucking person knows what i'm talking about just like moving you out of the way touching your waist yeah no this is also what i mean by looking back i think it's also just kind of finding your voice a little bit and maybe it's also just for me it comes with age of just like i'm getting worn out now i'm tired of like yeah holding my tongue or like acting like almost like the act of not being um annoyed having to act like i didn't care about something when I

actually did doesn't really seem that important anymore like it yeah do you know I mean it doesn't seem like an important role that I have to play anymore like the quiet girl it's almost like that seemed really life or death for me I think for a long time of like yeah to be likable it's like that likable friendly warm, warm, reasonable girl is the most important role I have to play. And as I get older, I'm like, that's not the character I'm really into, actually. Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment.

And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature.

I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson.

And this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer. And we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com no i agree and also the thing that's implied with being likable is that you're kind of um

agreeable quiet and you just let things slide yeah for example you don't dredge things up again that are uncomfortable for other people and all of that shit it just you have to be very subdued and just working in retail working in a customer facing environment it's thank you it really but it's there it's really tough stephanie and i've been talking about our previous jobs before we start recording i think it's just it's a very tricky exchange i think especially as a young girl when you're being paid and expected to essentially take abuse from yeah from like middle-aged people probably yeah and be spoken to like a piece of shit every all day every day

and you're not you're you're gonna actually like get fired if you stand up for yourself it's just a very interesting model that we've got set out for i think especially young people young girls yeah do you know um like i remember when i worked in a bar and i think that is one of the places where young women are especially it's like there's a basically the job description is essentially different from men and women in a bar it's like men you can act like basically yourself a woman you have to just drop all of your personality and just basically be like this jessica rabbit caretaker like almost like their mother their therapist their wife mother maiden crow the full spectrum of women yeah but i remember like the amount that you're expected just to take kind of darlings loves on the chin i remember i developed

a tactic i was like 18 working a fucking shit little like shit little pub and whenever someone would call me darling i just call them darling back and the boss like called me aside and was like that's why i get fired from everywhere like they were like the boss was like can you stop calling the men darling yeah and they were and i was like but i'm just repeating them what they said to me but the one that was the nail in the coffin was someone called me treacle they were like can you get that yeah i remember this and i was like oh yeah sure you're sure i can treacle look we need it's cheap laughs guys i'm bored i'm bored i've been here for eight hours i'm so tired my feet hurt give me a tiny laugh i'm in a dressing gown honestly i need a small win

yeah but i think kind of um yeah that's when i when i look back i'm like you could have what i was gonna say the other day i was on the train i didn't tell you this it's actually quite you know when you have almost i feel like when you live um maybe in most urban areas i feel like you don't often have like proper conversations with just people on the street like people your path passes by it's quite weird so then you know when you almost like you're out and about and you've had a little conversation with someone then like every step you take for the next half an hour you're still kind of mulling over yeah you're running it back hi how are you oh did i

sound like to a human yeah i just had a conversation okay don't know that kind of how again that was so vintage without the love of my life well this really wasn't a me cue it was actually like really annoying um i was yeah it's not a good story it's a bad story and it brought me back to my time of working in a shop called it rhymes with maura bashley hello i don't want to get sued by maura from and i was just cutting up fabric all day and getting shouted at by women who hated me and hated themselves and it was just horrific um but it really brought me back to those days but i'm a changed woman now because my reaction was quite different but i was on the train i'd just gotten on the train and i had a coffee in one hand and my phone in the

other and so fine i was gonna put my phone in the hand with my coffee i feel like you know i'm a young woman i carry like 10 things in my hands in one go it's all good she's got big hands we measured them at harry potter they're the same size guys as rupert you don't want me to hold your dick because it will look tiny i have huge hands born to carry things through train carriages anyway just quite an interesting fact though yeah sorry that you had the exact same size hands as rupert grint maybe even bigger i had the exact same hands as daniel radcliffe iconic duo iconic it's meant to be so I was walking down the train carriage and I was gonna keep walking through the carriages to find the perfect seat as you do yeah and I walked up to the door in between the carriages and one of the guy there was a man on my right sitting down

in the carriage by the door and there was a man in the other carriage where i was going standing towards the door so there's a man in front of me and there's a man on my right the man on my right says oh i'll do it i'll do it and the man in front of me in the other carriage goes to open the door for me i'll do it i'll do it really nice who'd have thought men hey yeah woman, who was probably like my mum's age, for example, went, ooh, men are nice to you, aren't they? Ooh. And I went, yeah, right? And I zoomed out and I thought, right, hang on.

Hang on a fucking minute. Sorry, pause. Hang on a fucking minute. Pause the world whilst I get my answer. Yeah, stop the train train stop the fucking train this is a fucking emergency press the fucking emergency release button stop the fucking train i zoomed out and i was like is this a fucking joke and i was kind yeah like what what because now you've just been a dick to me and for what anyway and i thought back she really like looked me up and i was like oh many nice to you aren't

they and i was like what have i done to you why i'm so angry at that like let me actually mul go on because it's almost like there are a few elements of that that are quite out of order. Well, it's like, first of all, do you want to say something to the men? Pick me, pick me. Go and get the men to fuck you, first of all. Not my problem. But also, like, why so insecure?

So angry with me. Honestly, couldn't have been more of a... Not a thing. Someone goes to open the door for you and the other person goes to open the door for you at the same time big deal also it's kind of like thank you very much because you're calling me pretty just thank you so much so you agree you think you're really pretty but i was i zoomed out and i was like okay back in the day i would have kind of pretended i didn't hear or just been like

like smiled like as if we were both in on a joke that we were making you know and i wasn't the or whatever yeah and i was like excuse me good for you excuse me and i've done i'm not gonna lie i say excuse me quite a lot you don't say excuse me you say i beg your pardon yeah but that's when i genuinely catch me off guard every time do you want do you want a tea i beg your pardon i'm so sorry i'm so really is it insulting it's because my name says i beg your pardon is like um in a little double accent fucking pardon right i beg your pardon like you forget yourself like yeah yeah kind yeah excuse me no i say beg your pardon when i'm like hey seffy how's it going beg your pardon and i say excuse me when i'm in public and someone's pissed me off good there was one time when i'm like hey seffy how's it going beg your pardon and i say excuse me when i'm in public and

someone's pissed me off good there was one time when i was walking on the beach with my boyfriend and my dog and there was a group of kids and one of the boys um men i guess they were like a group of young men drunk and as one of them walked past i have a tiny little dog he's a chihuahua new york terrier mix little chalky little rat and as one of them walked past he went i would kick that dog and i went excuse me are you and oh sorry sorry sorry like pushed him out of the way or whatever blah blah blah then there was another time i actually don't have a fucking issue with like that dog backing myself in public i'm like do you want a fucking fight right fucking now look me in the eye and tell me what you just said i'm actually fumed also like so often people say things because they know they can walk off like

for example that woman said that as the doors open and you're all about to leave the fit no i'm just getting on so i'm just getting on the train yeah and i'm walking down to the carriage i'm so confused also by being like excuse me i feel like it's just let me give you an opportunity to say again you fucking can't just almost like can you explain yeah what was that what the fuck was that can you explain to me what you meant by that and they'll excuse me and they shit themselves so if you ever need a little phrase say excuse me or or better apparently i beg your pardon literally i beg but i do think that works or like i know everyone says this and i do think it's so good is if someone makes a joke and it's not fucking funny and it's obviously not

a joke you say yeah what bit is the joke can you explain it to me explain why it's funny explain to me why it's funny wait what was that a joke oh i don't get it can you explain it to me lay it out to me yeah lay it out plain and simple what part of that did you think it was funny because it's not fucking funny and i'm not laughing i think that's one of the biggest skills that kind of people can put the moment on pause actually because the minute the moment keeps passing by you're lost you're in slow motion everyone else is moving away from you and you can't bring it back put the fucking moment on pause take your moment and call it out and watch everyone shrivel into a fucking little prune but do you not think that's the thing that you're almost trained to just laugh it off and let it move on i think to

stop the moment and stop like basically put freeze frame the scene and be like excuse me can you explain and slow it right down it's so not the etiquette that people get so jarred and they weren't expecting it that they actually do start freaking out like it's almost like oh well i didn't mean it i didn't mean it i didn't mean it it's almost like explain explain the joke or just almost what did you mean by men are nice to me go on say it i also think it's the kind of thing where people you're passing people on the street you never have a conversation with them and you just you can make up just an image of what a person is an assumption without knowing them or whatever blah blah blah the minute you hear their

voice it's almost like oh god you're a real human being with a real life and real experiences and a real history too and you're not non-player characters yeah they're not npcs they're coming to you and saying excuse me it's like oh you will actually respond to me but it's not something that i would ever obviously have done as a child there are a few reasons why i think i did the one on the train i'm surrounded by two men who are apparently gonna back me to the death so nothing's happening here I'm not getting in a scrap and second of all I just don't really care do you know what I mean I'm not like it's not my job isn't at risk for example blah blah blah but it's also like for example if I was um I don't know like in a position where like often on trains you have like homeless people

who are trying to collect money or even like if i was a black woman there would be there are so many reasons why you wouldn't speak up for yourself because the minute you open your mouth you're not given the benefit of the doubt and you're not given the like oh good for you you stood up for yourself it's like fuck this motherfucker yeah jail tomato tomato jail like you're not given the time of day which is a joke obviously yeah but talk shit on my dog sorry i'm not standing for it you're gonna kick him only i can call this little thing a rat sorry i don't even get that it's just young boy i'll kick that dog shut the fuck up kick me in the fucking face right now i dare you i don't know why i'm getting so angry tonight it's gotten into me i need a decaf tea yeah the energy is really contradicting with the dressing gown like i'm in the dressing gown i couldn't feel less

like no no my energy is contradicting it's just fuming like it's one of those things that you hear it and you're just like oh fuck my fucking things come unplugged sorry oh bloody hell okay can i ask you a question i could only have that for an hour oh shit damn it oh god that's near miss i know can i ask you a question yeah go on how could you be more selfish in life where are you not being selfish and where do you need to be selfish right now because i think it's a fun concept for young women to think about being selfish you know yeah it's yeah i think i don't stand up for myself enough like but not even in stranger settings because i feel like those yeah i've got those moments i think i can give it back a little bit or like um i don't know those those are fine sometimes or they don't they're not that frequent where someone will say something out of order but i think where i'm not

very good at like prioritizing myself is in kind of a social i think i frame myself as a joke quite often in my life yeah i think i really frame myself as the butt of the fucking joke yeah and i really think that is uh counterproductive with with how i see myself and also um how it allows everyone else to treat me i think can i say something i think i i completely agree with you, actually. But it's an interesting one because I think you come from a place of kind of you don't think that anyone could talk to you and put you down sort of thing. So you come from a place. I think I do. No, no. But I think I do think they can.

Say, for example, that guy is like, well, who the fuck are you talking to? You have. Right. You have that energy about you. You have this kind of like don't chat you can't chat to me energy so when you do something self-deprecating you're doing it from the place of obviously not right i'm great yeah but then it's coming from a place of confidence exactly to do it but i still think actually it's it's not a good trait like because i i don't know i'm not sure whether it's coming from the point of like i'm confident so i'm making a joke at

myself and it's to ease the situation now everyone else can make the joke but they all know that i'm not really offended because i'm not really offended yeah but it's not really about offense it's more about why do i feel the need to ease the situation by making myself a joke like i almost think that i do i definitely think i open myself up in life for other people to make comments on my life which most people wouldn't do i actually have been observing this recently oh i've always done a thing where kind of my life is very come on guys put your comments on like not not online please don't and please don't in real life not really but i really do want not what i really

do i've always done it where my life is kind of a public domain to my friends and family and stuff and people can be like you should cut your hair this color no no no that doesn't look good like or you should really say this or that would like i think everything i do is almost like a commentable up for debate because i think i i position it as that i think i position others for yeah i think i say like oh what do you think on that or what do you like i'm always you invite other people's opinion do you think you bring do you think you bring those opinions to other people's lives or no? Do you know what I mean? Do you think it's a reciprocal thing in the way that if you have a friend who you would say to her,

don't dye your hair pink, it will look so gross. Not that you would ever say that. But then... Yeah, no, I definitely would. Yeah, I think I have certain relationships where that would be completely normal to have that thing. But I think my default behavior is, i did a crazy thing today aren't i fucking idiot yeah and i actually think that is um i need to be more selfish in basically if there's a lull in conversations my default would to be throw yourself now do a big dance and mortify yourself for the benefit of this and i actually think i would be better off being more selfish and being like let this fucking conversation die it's not on you like for example i was at a party

ish recently that i noticed was flagging yeah and my answer was to perform a dance and embarrass myself and all of this it's like don't do that be selfish let the silence be be there it's not on you to do it like you can sit back and be part of the audience you don't need to perform a dance you didn't need to do everyone else was sitting i got up and did a dance so do you think does that read to you as selfish or selfless then to is it selfish to i think it feels a bit like self-indulgent to to basically be like you don't need to or it feels like a move towards prioritizing myself to be like you don't need to um do you don't need to do that you don't need to make your life a joke but then there must be a part of you surely that enjoys the performance yeah yeah yeah but i think that um you can do that without mortifying yourself well you want to be applauded not

tell a joke yeah i think it i think it's a really nasty habit to get into i just think i really frame my stuff myself as the joke yeah all right well we're not doing that anymore it's like sad no i'm scared it is no never sad seph's got this thing where no one's allowed to pity her so if you were pulling a sad face over there wherever you're listening stop it because she'll get fumed with you um no i don't think it reads as sad i think it's interesting i think it's an interesting insight that you brought us but i think that's something i've been thinking about recently and just in terms of i think i could be more selfish by yes not doing that like you know

what exactly and i think everyone can relate to that in different capacities i not even just not standing up for yourself but yeah like doing what you need to do or doing what you think you need to do or what you've been made to feel like you need to do to make everyone else in the situation more comfortable whilst you are dancing and being making everyone uncomfortable yeah exactly no but i think that's um actually really common i think it's the most common thing what about me what um when do you think you could be more selfish um okay so something that i'm trying not even trying to do but something that i'm being a bit more like oh that's the thing i'm doing like almost like i am noticing that i am like i'm kind of talking to myself like i'm in kind of marriage counseling it's like i see myself not abiding by other people's rules and i'm

allowing it to happen yeah exactly and different headspace um i kind of speak at this all the time and i'm just a bit boring breaking record but i feel like i as much as i might want the permission from everyone else to do a certain thing or blah blah blah i just feel like at this moment in time i'm kind of just like but i don't care so good like like if you think i'm really selfish because i didn't do a certain thing or because i wouldn't show up to a certain thing or like i did something in a way that you didn't like or blah blah like i don't know what's up with me at the moment but i just don't care and i'm quite into it actually i just feel like you should be yeah i think i should be i think it's a long time coming i think it's well deserved and i think it's kind of as well off the back of what i was

saying in the last episode of i'm now on medication that is really working for me for my mental health and i feel like i can look back for maybe one of the first times ever in my life with real clarity and see what i was going through kind of as an observer and I know how I would feel about anyone on the earth going through something something like that and I would grant them permission for anything they wanted so I feel like it's the first time that with this kind of hindsight even though I'm still very much in it and it's very much present day i just can look at myself and be like um yeah just do what you want really because yeah what does it fucking matter first of all is your fucking life big deal like if something needed to happen on monday and you do it on friday i actually don't fucking give a shit

because you're still here big deal like i just don't fucking care it doesn't matter i feel like it just puts into perspective it's like there were a lot of moments that you were getting through by the skin of your teeth and i've been way too hard on myself for so many years that it's like oh look if i swing the other way for a few months if i do six months of being a bit too self-indulgent oh oh treat yourself oh chocolate buttons oh i don't fucking care i'm just into i just want whatever i want i'm getting it sorry and i know that's not like life's about balance and blah blah blah but i just feel like i'm in the mood of just let me be me you like it you see it you want it you got it i like it yeah i want

it i got it and also kind of um i don't think like i i know some people really struggle with feeling really disconnected from themselves or feeling like they're not a real person and that sort of thing but i feel like i'm at the point where i feel um the most connected to myself as a person and i can really see that i'm like in the way that i know you are a full person with a full life and relationships and you exist out in your own space beyond your relationship to me i think it's the one of the first times i can see myself as like a full being who has value on this planet and like interacts with people and brings meaning to people's lives and like can

make mistakes and can do good things i don't know i just think i've got more patience for myself and it's like i'm not waiting for someone to be like oh you look a bit peaky do you want to go back to bed it's like if I want to stay in bed I'm gonna just go back actually and stay in bed it's not really a big deal is it it's not a big deal it's not a big deal no no no no one doesn't even need to be polarized of the sense in the sense that you didn't need to feel bad to know that like that's 100 you deserve chocolate buttons when you want chocolate exactly yeah yeah everyone does if you're tired go to bed oh god but i do think it's really hard to remember all of that yeah but it's it's hard because you're taught on one hand yeah you're yeah you're you're told oh you like that yeah treat yourself have it but only if it's a treat

only if it's a treat yeah and only if you're spending big money on it so it's coming to our like corporation and only if you've worked fucking hard all day then you can watch an episode of tv that you like can i say something actually my nan my dad's mom said to me once um we were at a wedding and actually i was working in retail at the time i was still at uni and she said um she doesn't live in england england is enough english is enough first language she said to me how's it going like how are you blah blah i said i'm good like blah blah she said just don't work too hard don't work too hard in life god that's stunning i just think yeah i'm gonna take that and run with it like sorry no no i know you meant it as a passing comment but i'm absolutely taking it to my grave don't work too hard because i'm just i just want to be a bit nice

to myself i just want to be a bit selfish i think that's stunning what a nice mantra yeah don't work too hard and my other nan is on the other side saying no child asked to be born and it's like too fucking right now no child has to be born matriarchy of my life all right great mantras aren't they yeah also i love your nan's other mantra where she goes let them stew oh let them stew let them she loves to let them stew. Oh, let them stew. Let them stew. She loves to let them stew. I think I've picked up on that. Like almost, I try and live on the, let them stew.

Yeah. A little bit more. Give it time, let them stew. But that's kind of actually what, to bring it, sorry, back. Yeah.

But almost, that's what I mean by, don't mortify yourself. Sometimes, let something be said. And just let it stew. Don't jump in with a funny thing. Yeah. Just let it stew. Let them stew. Just let it stew don't jump in with a funny yeah let it play out with saying nothing and also that's kind of you on the train with or like

for example someone saying something dumb by being like sorry what did you mean by that press pause don't let that pass into the conversation oh what stop are you at next blah blah blah yeah bring bring it up then let them oh god it's good let them fucking stew too right it's what they deserve so good well let's go let's get out of here i hope everyone's good thank you for all the insights i don't think we um spoke about anyone's messages yeah i know the time just flew but there were loads of good ones i guess we should revisit this topic as well because i think it's one that everyone can relate to definitely a bit weird having a podcast isn't it it's so weird having a podcast no one actually relies on no one because i'm spewing a ton of shit over here oh yeah that's what i said i was like i don't really

know if i want people to rely on this interesting choice of words oh but i do love you guys we're very grateful yeah thank you um yeah i hope we're finding you in a good spot and yeah hopefully we'll see you next week yeah have a good week have a good monday be listening to this on the monday have a good tuesday be listening to it on a Tuesday. And if... Oh, I keep forgetting that we have a fucking outro. What's going on with you? Do you not want to say it anymore? Is that what it is?

No, I do. Are you trying to quit? Are you trying to abandon the brand? Burn the hoodies. Burn the merch. Oh, can we quickly come in with something about the merch? Well, okay. So...

Oh, I don't even know where to start with the merch i looked i looked at well we got an email saying oh the prices have changed for your fucking merch yeah on the provider we use by the way what they were from the start like it's always just been we went into it thinking look we're not going to make a penny here i guess this is just for us to just have a fun experience and just share the love with anyone listening and if and if no one buys them it's fine if people want them that's really fun yeah that was always the mindset we never went into it thinking quite surprised by the outcome we've been absolutely overwhelmed by everyone trying to support us it

is like potentially the most overwhelming thing that's ever overwhelming thing that's ever happened in my life like yeah it's fucking amazing grateful for every single person who's even listened to this to be honest however however we've always known we weren't making a ton of profit we were never in it for money no at all but i think that there's a line with that i got an email ding ding ding the prices have changed on some of your items i was going through and we didn't really look at these emails for a while i was like okay fuck it i don't really mind if we're not making as much that's fine i looked at as in the base cost for the company to make yeah they're trying to say it's not the price that we're charging no we haven't basically they're saying we're now taking more of the money that people are paying

yeah so i looked on the fucking thing and i went on we were selling like these hoodie for example i don't know what it is say 30 pounds we were making i looked for most of them we were making zero profit zero pounds zero pounds nothing zero p zero we got nothing we were making the most we were making was from a hoodie and we made 33p so by the way that's getting split so we're getting about 15p each how insane is that so we're moving providers i'm saying it now like we actually have i and i remember phoning you and i was like i would rather buy a fucking screen printer print it in my bedroom and fucking post it i don't know how to make hoodies but i would rather do

that i'd rather hand knit everyone a single sock and free you all like dobby then i just feel like it's but it's just the idea that yeah i think i think it's the idea that companies are using yeah you're kind of using women yes you're exploiting. I'm making fucking money and we're making none. I just think it's outrageous. Yeah, no, you're right. So, we're moving. Okay. 33p.

33p. Okay. And that was the most. It's crazy. I mean, it's crazy that, yeah, it's so fucked. Right. What's the slogan?

Do you remember it? What's the little outro that we say? I remember it. It's on all the hoodies and now on our merch store. if you don't hear from us assume the worst god that was a weird one what song is that i'm picturing the Simpsons movie.

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