Goes Without Saying - THE BIG RESET #3: comparison is the thief of your hottest years

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

podmothers sephy & wing enter the chat: spiralling on a HEALTHY RESET for 2025, feeling behind, insecurities, jealousy, overthinking, and male therapists. ✷see more ✷ youtube @sephyandwing ✷ instagram @sephyandwing ✷ tiktok @sephyandwingshop ✷ www.sephyandwing.co.uk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 p.m. Eastern. Research and supplies. See full terms at canada.casino.fando.com. Please play responsibly. Goes without saying, you're listening to's Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Sefi. And I'm Wing.

And this is an episode that I think is going to make you feel maybe a bit angry, I'm ever so sorry, a bit empowered hopefully as well. And I feel like maybe part of a collective of people that have like the same issues here. We talk about body image quite a bit, We talk about feeling behind and how not to so enjoy Wow Okay, we're back. Okay, we're back Feels good. Hey. Hey How are you? We haven't done a long chat

No, we haven't had a long chat. We've done just enough to find our feet. What, the whistle? Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling good, how are you? Good, I'm knackered. We've seen each other two days in a row. Yeah, just to be clear, I haven't knackered you though. Oh God, it's just the balloon thing on my thing,

so sorry for the Spotify people who've just had a fiesta. For my heart and my ego, just to confirm, isn't me that's knackered you? No, it's the trains that have knackered me. Thank God for that. To like an insane level. It's just a long way from Norwich. It's not even, it's like an hour and 50, but.

You know what it was, it was rotten luck. You had some rotten luck. I did. And yesterday evening we were running around and there was some tube chaos and stuff. I walked, yeah yeah I don't even know, I don't even look at my steps by the end. Stephanie walked literally like the whole of London yesterday, it was so crazy. I pretty much ran across London and can we just take a moment to... She sprinted across the Thames. Can we acknowledge my speed? I couldn't believe it. She was like, oh I'm

in Covent Garden now, I was like, are you joking? That's like two minutes away. I ran so far. It was so crazy. I was literally, I was getting quite concerned because I was like, I kept texting her being like, there's no rush, there's no rush. And there really wasn't any rush. But also like, yeah, we had a thing to go to, didn't want to miss it. But I wanted to convey mainly, no rush.

Like, we can take your time, da da da. Because I was concerned that by the time you would get to me and to the event, you would be just on another planet. I think I was a bit. Well, you know when you're just in a faff and a fluster and it's not good. But do you not think I was? When I saw you, I literally, you said like, hi, I went to hug me and I just like,

give me that hairbrush. Yeah, I was like, do you wanna go to the toilet first? And you were like, I could do the hairbrush now. I was like, all right. No, I needed to brush my hair because I forgot my hairbrush. Yeah, absolutely, at your service. And I sprinted, also Wing did such a nice thing for me. She bought with her in her bag. From home. A Grey's Bakewell tart little bar which I love so much. We do like them. But was it, I didn't ask you at the time but I have been

thinking was it a bit crushed from being in my bag or was it alright? No it was perfect. It literally was. I think it's so syrupy those bars. Yeah there was no breaking it apart. They stay together. There's no crushing it, yeah. How's everyone finding these longer episodes just on the Monday? I think it's quite good. Yeah we spoke to a listener the other day and she said that the longer episodes are hitting. She's a fan so that's the only bit of IRL feedback we've had so we'll take that to heart. I saw a comment that I wanted to tell you but then I was like I'm actually gonna save it for the pod for the people who get this reference I think it is absurd and funny. Did you see someone commented on the Spotify being like so good like you guys are in a great

spot it feels like you're coming home to yourselves, or feels like you're returning to yourselves or something. And I was like, that is so Ariana Grande Butera coming home to little Ari. Have you seen this thing? Yes, oh God, okay, yes, sorry, that just took me a moment. Throughout the whole of the like wicked chat, Ariana Grande has been saying this thing about how she's like coming home to herself,

she's coming home to little Ari, and it's Ariana Grande, Butera. And I was like, that is so us. Is that what you say, Butera? I think so, I don't know. I've only ever seen that one. I'm not the one to ask, but I thought it was funny that we are so Ariana Grande, Butera these days,

coming home to little Ari every episode. That's nice, I like that. I feel like we're on good form, and I feel like we're in a good swing, and feeling good. It feels really right, the longer episodes. I'm just enjoying them more. In an honest way, I'm actually just having more fun with it.

I'm enjoying this. I feel like the whole podcast at the moment, we said this in the last episode, but we're in a good spot. That listener was very perceptive. Yeah, very good of you to notice that we're absolutely thriving. Very observant of you guys. I hope you guys are also doing well or feeling okay. The other thing I wanted to say to you, Sefi, was, I can't remember right now, it'll come

to me. You said you had something funny. That was the hourglass on my boots hair I think. Oh, okay, okay. We all found that really funny. Sorry I didn't give it enough of a laugh. We could get a big ha ha ha going right now, play the laugh track, that would be great. There was something else but I'm sure it will come back. Who knows. We could just let it die for now, I'll revisit it. We'll see if it comes back. Is everyone feeling sure about the title? well i personally was

a little bit because i forgot all about it. like yeah forgot all about the the title. i knew it was part of the big reset but i didn't know what what one it was gonna be. yeah. and then you said said it and it did. it does hit doesn't it? new mindset. yeah so you know mindset. Yeah, so, you know, okay, fine, we'll say, your hottest years are for life, everything is good, and like, I'm sure we've made it clear in the intro that this, in the natural form of the big reset series, and just in natural, you know, Sephian Wing language is all about, like, liking yourself more and being gentle with yourself and being loving. But it is funny to think of us all running around in absolute chaos, hating ourselves into oblivion.

And just like, you know, playfully teasing. It is really, really sad. And let's just have some compassion. And like, I think just some lightness about it of just like, you know, at least we're all deluded together and we're all absolutely insane. No I think that's the uniting thing because there's a camaraderie here. If the design of this thing and do not be mistaken this is by design, this is a creation, it's not like inherent in women to hate themselves, it is literally man-made. Yeah. And emphasis on man. Man-made. Yeah. And emphasis on man.

Man-made. The whole crux of all the marketing, all that stuff that you've consumed about this really does come down to like an isolation that you are being told that the problem is you, specifically you, the way you look, your thighs, your boobs, your hair, your fucking nose, whatever. It's specifically, like, it feels very, very personal. So I feel like the whole concept of this, the whole antidote to the problem is to remember. Finally, an antidote. It's like a collective problem.

It is. It really is. And like how many times have we had that moment where you realise that the person that you admire so much is like struggling with the same thing and that like somehow. It's crazy actually. Lifts you out of it for like a second

where you can like see it and it's like, oh my God, it's all bullshit. And then you sink back down into the depths of it again. I think that is the thing is like always trying to find that moment of clarity and trying to make those moments longer and wider and more frequent. Interestingly guys okay so I had another therapy situation this morning. This very morning. This very morning like a couple of hours ago. It went really well. Okay so just the debrief just

between us guys. Sefi, Harry. Well I. Well, I actually haven't heard much about it. You said it was tiring. It was tiring, you know, left all out on the stage. I gave it my all. But I saw on the thing, so I got a thing through being like, oh, your assessment is on whatever this day or whatever, book your assessment. And then I got the thing through saying,

yeah, confirmed it's with a man, basically. And I was like, oh, shucks. I didn't know that. Yeah I was like oh no it's not really my favourite thing about men actually. Just he's not gonna get it. Men aren't my favourite. Me and men not really like the best kind of vibe. No. But I was just like whatever fuck it. It is what it is and also it's only the assessment. Also try something new like maybe. It's only the assessment. Also try something new, like maybe. It's literally the assessment where they tell you what kind of therapy they're gonna give you.

It's not, he's not my therapist. Oh, got it, yeah. Me and this guy will never cross paths again. Oh, I've had one of those with a man before. Yeah. They, yeah. But I'm quite sad that we'll never cross paths again because I really liked him.

This is why it's like try something new. Yeah, try something new. And also, talking about the moments of clarity. So basically why me and this man were really bonding, or like, I feel like I was bringing some lightness to his day, maybe we were talking about really deathly stuff, it's like self harm and like, oh my God, are you gonna kill yourself?

But I was, you know, trying to get him to love me a little bit and also. Yeah. And I was also know trying to try and get him to love me a little bit and also Trying to enjoy myself or like I want to know I like taking what I can get from things Yeah, I want to get my money's worth. This is free therapy, but like I like getting free stuff and I like getting a lot of it Not enough never never enough. Yeah, yeah. So I was on the phone to this guy and I was asking him and I was saying like,

I really am interested in like the science behind it and like why the brain is doing certain things and you know, explain this to me, explain it like I'm five and next year I'll be six sort of vibe. And he specifically, there was one thing that we were kind of speaking about. He actually gave me a book recommendation

which I haven't looked into this book at all. It was just hours ago, but if you're interested, the book was called Mindsight, like hindsight, but mind. I haven't looked at it. I haven't seen the colour. I have no idea what this thing is. So sorry if it's like a dodgy thing. I'm just listening to a guy.

But there was a really interesting thing that he was saying basically, in moments of extreme emotion, your ability to make decisions kind of shuts down and you start to become a lot more instinctual and irrational. And I said, why? I kind of get the basics, but is there more to that?

Tell me more, tell me more sort of thing. Obviously it's like, fight or fly and da, da, da, da, you're in survival mode, et cetera. But he was saying, this is where you get the butchered version, Harry, apologies, that, yeah, you really are gonna get the butchered version, sorry. He was saying there's a part in your brain that is dealing with like rational thought and stuff

and how you actually feel and how you actually wanna behave and all of this stuff. Just rational parts of your brain are further away from your emotions than like the instincts, the bare bones, impulse. It's too sciencey. I'm like what's happening? So no, no, listen to this. In your brain, your emotion is here, it's quicker for your emotion to get to the impulse than it is to anything rational. It's just a shorter distance. Rational stuff is like all the way over there, it's miles away, it's miles away, it's miles away.

But the impulses, the quick stuff, the quick fix or the painful thing, just whatever, I'll just quickly do that. And almost the habit as well. The habit, the instinct is right there, ready to go. And that's why you end up doing these things of scrolling on Instagram or whatever. Or like, yeah, ready to go. And that's why you end up doing these things of scrolling on Instagram or whatever. Or not feeling great.

And it's like, instead of taking a moment and breathing and getting some fresh air, you start screaming at whoever you're with. It's easier and it's quicker to lash out than it is to take a moment. So I thought that was interesting basically, that it's also because it's physically further away in your brain, it's just quicker, there's a speed to it.

And he was talking about how time is very important and finding moments of pause and breaks. And it's kind of the big racer. Oh, I like this man. Yeah, I've really liked him. And I don't say that lightly. No, it means a lot. Northern guy, he said, Oakley Okly Dokly at one point I thought

I love you he was a cutie boy. I don't like that. He was just a sweet guy and he was being really he was like okie dokie. That no no that's not good. It was cute. Like actually Okly Dokie or not just like okie dokie. He was saying okay okay okay throughout and then at the final point he hit me with Oakley Doakley. Like Flanders. I'm as you. Yeah, yeah. Exactly like that. Too much.

But I liked it. It was sweet. We'd built a good rapport by that point. He'd tell me about the book, etc. Yeah, yeah. So I thought you guys might find that interesting that there's something about it being further away in the brain and I was saying basically that I find just like the bare bones of the science-y stuff

that explain it to me like I'm five science-y stuff, really like useful. And like, I was like, it's quite a hopeful idea that there's like truth and science and fact and tangible stuff that tells us that like, you can get better. You can learn, you can change, you're dynamic, your brain is malleable and movable and dynamic and stretchy and we can work on it. Gently, lovingly.

This is why I like neuro pathways as a topic. As a concept! And I would love to learn more. Every little podcast or whatever I've listened to about it, I'm like, that to me has a hopeful thing. Because it's not like this is fixed, it's just like that's just the trodden path. That's the beaten track. Exactly. But there are other options. Right. And it's about like building new habits and stuff. That I really like. Me too. I love it. I love it so much. And I find psychology in general a very hopeful, like it's a really nice truth that we have in life. I don't know that much about psychology really. I only did it at a GCSE and A level actually, so that's why my foundation came from.

I think I wanted to do it for one of them. I went to a taster day or like a taster session and I think I thought I was gonna learn about like I think what I wanted to do was like criminology but they didn't offer that. I think they had or maybe yeah they had criminology at A level I think. Yeah but then what is criminology? I know it's a study of criminals. There you go yeah. But what is that like? I feel like it would be good if you were gonna do criminology to have a kind of psychology

foundation. Definitely. But I think what I actually wanted to do was just watch criminal minds. I didn't really actually want to study it. Yeah, fair enough. But so that's been my morning and that was just a nice little insight that I took. Yeah, I really like that. Yeah, I thought it was quite nice. I like that guy. Never see him again. I like him as well, Oakley. He just a nice little insight that I really like that yeah I thought it was quite nice I like that guy never see him again I like him

as well okay okay that's terrible come on obviously it's terrible I'm not gonna take it off myself but it's no I think I would be shocked hearing someone say that in real life it's like oh my god well it did take me a back I mean so much so that I'm repeating it here now. however, what i like about it is it's not, it's quite, it's not very violent. it's un-threatening. it's not threatening. it's not scary. it's not violent for a man to say okly dokly to me. or is it a little bit? it's almost giving me the vibe. and this is extremely threatening. of something, and i hate to bring this up, the pedophile from lovely bones would say Sethy... do you know what I mean? the Stanley Tucci

Sethy Dougal, yeah yeah I know him he would say Oakley Doakley, like it's almost giving that kind of thing to me but this guy was from like Newcastle or something it changes it very humanised thing it's a man he's trustworthy voice yeah he says okay okay yeah you know once in an hour it's not too bad yeah you're once in one hour once I limit you to once an hour one per 60 minutes I would even say you get about once a day so then he's used it I mean

I'm never gonna see it he's used it one I mean I'm never gonna see it. He's used it one and done. Yeah. Anyway. Once per client. Yeah and also I feel like this episode generally kind of keeping that in mind is about giving giving is about giving ourselves and you Harry the perspective as much as possible of like taking the break, taking the time and the moment to remember the truth, which is you're not horrific, you're actually fine. And also not just in a kind of, you've been sold beauty standards kind of way, but also in the idea of everything you've been told

about who you should be or what your life should be kind of way. Comparison, I feel feel like is always telling us that we're not doing enough or we're not far along enough or we haven't got that achievement because they were better than me or they have this. Da da da da da. And it's more of a general look at like,

it could be the theme of your hottest years, but also you're not behind and like, we're right on track that sort of vibe because also i feel like we've all probably had that experience where you look back on a photo where you were of a memory that you know that you had a terrible time you were so insecure and all of that stuff and then you look back and see the photo and you're like first of all i was a fucking child and second of all i look great or whatever and it's like it's not even about hottest years it's more just like you were always fine like it wasn't you. in that kind of hottest years quote unquote kind of way when i've felt my hottest in my life, quote unquote, I'm not looking any particular way, actually.

I could look back and be like, oh, I felt really confident there. And I look at it and I'm like, just look like how I look all the time. Like it's no big deal, nothing's happening. But it was about how I felt and my mindset. Yeah, no, it is, cause it is that. And do you know what it is?

Also, there probably wasn't a mirror taken, there wasn't a mirror there, there wasn't a photo taken of me there, it wasn't about an external thing. It was about, it's completely internal, it's a feeling. It's not about actually what you look like in any way. It's so crazy, because it really is like the most cliche thing to be like hotness, confidence, all of these things, attractiveness are like, it's about how you feel mentally and da da da but that kind of is it. Like that's literally it.

When Rihanna's walking down the street and she's like, oh God, I feel bad today. She's looking as beautiful as ever. It's not about anything physical or anything external like really like come on guys yeah minimum all right I was actually gonna bring something up just on that thing the other day you've seen this video I sent it to you yeah I so we have a lot of home videos. You can actually see on the video here, there's a Nintendog here. It's a poodle and it says family videos and it's all my old family videos that we got digitalised a few months ago. And my sister, she was basically like, we

don't look at any of them and I've looked at a few and she clearly has been going through looking at them, which like breaking the deal. But there's some that like, we're trying to like save and watch it all together, but like, we need to let time pass and stuff before we can all like sit down as a family and watch it. But she sent me one the other day, just saying like mental. And I was like, what the hell is this? And it's just like her filming off her phone.

And it's a video of, I've clearly taken this old camcorder off like my granddad who's probably filming something and I sent it to Wyn as well being like this is crazy and it's me and I'm probably like I don't know 11? I'm young I'm like yeah you're really young I'm like 11 maybe I'm like 12 yeah 12 or 13 let's say like I'm just fresh into secondary school I would say yeah and I'm like hi this is me this is Lizzie here's a photo of Lizzie like there's like loads of photos of my grandma's mantelpiece of my ass and here's a photo of Lizzie

blah blah blah and here's one of me and it's a photo of me as like a child a proper fucking kid. 8 year old? no I'm not 8 I'm probably like it was like recent to that because my grandma changed these photos up quite often. did she? boy did she. she'd rotate them. but they were always really weird like she really loved my driving license ID so blew that up so that was just like a massive really blurry thing. It's such a mugshot framed as hilarious it's so kind of Chloe Karashian. It's it's literally a mugshot it's so weird but so yeah they'd be so it was probably like I was probably like 12 or 30 like in that photo and I'm like here's one of me looking really

fat and then like the clip ends oh it probably goes on but like the the way like literally the venom in my voice when I say fat like it's crazy to hear that from such a young age yeah and I think it shocked me like on two levels one. One of like, God, first of all, this is like a lot, this is lifelong then. Like this isn't just like, oh, like in my teenage years, I became like I struggled with my body image, blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, you've had like this dysmorphic or whatever thing for like, this has essentially been your whole life. And then the second thing was like, oh, and I do think that maybe I'm mad. Like, I do think actually it is dysmorphic and crazy because I think I've thought that,

oh, I've struggled with these issues for like kind of valid reasons, blah, blah, blah. And like my views on it have like changed throughout the years so much and like I'm kind of hesitant to even use the word like body dysmorphia because it's like I don't even know if I I kind of moved away from that and thought maybe it's like a problem of like acceptance all this stuff you know seeing that and seeing like hearing myself be like and I look fat in this photo. And it's like actually a child that barely has hit puberty. It's like, Oh, I actually don't like the fact that I'm so like sick. And I remember how I felt about that photo as well. Sick to my stomach. And it's like, God, actually, okay, maybe all of that is bollocks then. And I think I've kind of got a bit of a, it reminded me how untrustworthy that feeling is.

Of like, you feel so sure in the moment of like, I am seeing the fucking truth here and thank fuck that I'm seeing it. Like, you can't fucking take that away from me. I'm looking at it right now and I'm, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah. I remember feeling like that about that photo and now I'm seeing it, I'm seeing that photo

that made me sick and fucking hell, it's a baby. Yeah. And also going back to what Oakley Doakley said about your emotions being closest to like the impulse and the fight or flight and the crazy reactions and stuff rather than like taking the moment to step away and gaining perspective, that feeling of looking at that photo as a kid,

being so emotion-led, obviously it won't take you to anywhere rational. And that is still- It just sets off a train of events. That's every day. That's not just what we do as children. That's what we have now is like, you feel something particularly emotional

and it takes you to an irrational place. That's like human way. Just basically what's the most familiar place. It kind of reminds me of this thing that I've seen on TikTok, which is really nice and also really sad. But it kind of shows how like heightened it is and how personal it feels and how real it feels and how messy it feels at the time that you literally can't see past it. It's very convincing these feelings,

these emotions and these insecurities. It feels like a moment of clarity almost. It's extremely convincing. When it's actually the opposite that is a moment of like absolute like panic and division but it feels like it's like oh my god I finally see it. I can see it now yeah. There's a nice TikTok trend that has been people, I think it's nice, they'll show like a photo of themselves and I can't remember exactly the format but it's normally like I'm seeing girls it'll be a photo of themselves and then you scroll and it's the same photo again and it's like I didn't post that photo because... Oh I saw one of these yesterday when I was on my real on the train yeah which I loved last night she said she was when she was on the train going home she got into a great bit of reals where they were my

algorithm was just suddenly like but then I was gonna say I think you were also probably quite knackered I was laughing my head off it was just the funniest thing which made me think it's like, this girl needs to go home to bed. Yeah. I was so tired. I didn't get into the station until, oh my God, I left my house.

Oh, I can't even go there. Oh, it was a long day. It was a long day. Anyway, this lovely TikTok thing that everyone's doing, which is like, they'll post a photo of them looking beautiful and, or looking really happy or like on like an amazing holiday somewhere or whatever. It's like highlight of your life photo.

And it'll be like, I didn't post this photo because, and then you swipe and it's like, my ears looked massive, but you didn't notice that. And then it's like the next photo and you look at it and it's like, oh, I can't see anything wrong with you. And then next one, it's's like my arm is huge or whatever all of these like things and they're all very um there's something really I think actually really important in like community to hear other people's insecurities whenever people are kind enough to

gift you with them because it is really humanizing and it is really, there's such a kinship in that moment of like, especially when it's something that feels really unique and like to you, it could feel really absurd that someone would care about like the hair on their arms or like the size of their feet or like something that feels relevant to you could be like really determining the way that somebody's day goes.

And I just like this- And it usually is really specific and weird to be honest. Really specific to the person and that's why I think that TikTok trend is really nice because obviously there's nothing wrong with these people and there's nothing wrong with these photos and all the comments are like yeah I couldn't, I didn't look at your ears or your arms or your nose or whatever, I didn't. Well they were probably looking at their own... Yes! It's like okay no I was looking at this area of you and this area because I'm... Yes! I have been unfortunately programmed to compare the things I don't like

about myself onto other people. That is just... yeah if I'm looking for an insecurity I know straight where to look. How do you feel about your X, Y, and Z? Da da da da da. Yeah, I know exactly where I'm looking. And also, we say this all the time, but I feel so confident in the fact that most people, at least here, are too hard on themselves and we spend too much time.

100%. Like too much energy going into like things that aren't necessarily real. Yeah. You know? But that yeah I feel like I'm always like trying to like stress it but. Fandu casino daily jackpots guaranteed to hit by 11pm with your chance at the number one feeling winning which beats even the 27th best feeling saying, I do. Who wants this last parachute?

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Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. You spend so much time on that because it's designed as a waste of time it's trying to take your energy away from all from your life things that matter enjoyment blah blah blah the stuff that then will make you buy the shit that you've been obsessing over which obviously won't work then you keep going it's literally so obvious that we all fucking know it, but it's like, yes, you spend a load of time on it. It's like

Instagram. I'm so addicted to this thing. Well, yeah, because it's addictive. It's designed to be addictive. It's not, oh, I'm going to limit my time on it. No, if you're on that thing, it is addictive. That is what that thing actually, that is its primary function here is to addict you to it. It's to keep you here, don't let you leave. And also speaking about Instagram and TikTok and social media just in general, it is that thing of if anything is going to make you feel like you're behind, it's taking in a ton of shit from loads of strangers of like, also if your algorithm knows you, which your algorithm does know you,

it's going to be showing you all the things that you find most desirable or admirable or like aspirational. And if you're constantly, say all you wanna do in life is, you're a musician, you just wanna go on tour. Like you just wanna go on a tour and you wanna put out an album

Your algorithm give it two weeks. We'll be showing you gonna be showing you I went to fucking school with that girl and she's going on tour with this person or like fuck They've just got signed to that label and they do all these two and do do do do yeah And it will literally like the world is caving in on you really convincingly Show you this like false sense of a reality where everyone else seems to be getting what they want and by contrast you end up feeling really fucking shit. Which is really fucking hard. What would you recommend then for these people? Say you're in the hole, you've had the, you

know, that is not a great place to be, feeling behind. I actually, everyone I speak to at the moment, the word behind is coming up so much. Like, I feel like maybe it's because people are entering their late 20s that I feel like everyone is like this feeling of like behindness, like their age coming up, things like that. I feel like it's also the time of year naturally,

like we're recording this at the end of January. Yeah. I feel like any time of year is an excuse to start feeling bad about yourself, but I feel like end of the year and new year is the time when people are much more reflective and they're like in stock of what they have or haven't done. And also like, I feel like the conversation

around resolutions and goals makes people feel really aware of the distance between who they are and where they want to be. I would recommend something that I spoke about the other day in another big reset was the best case scenario the journal situation Yeah Sorry to you on when you said that Don't apologize I tried to hide it Yeah, no it's okay. I heard it as well

I heard a real like It's because I think I kind of masked it with like Sleepy girl I sort of faked it a little bit I don't know why, I did something weird there Yikes Yeah, best case scenario journal, I actually saw loads of people being like I did something weird there. Yikes. Yeah, best case scenario in general, I actually saw loads of people being like,

I like that idea, I'm gonna do it sort of thing. And maybe you did it once and we'll never do it again. That's cool. No pressure. Nice thing to do. Nice way to spend like 20 minutes on an afternoon if you've got it. And also I do think,

like the mind is stretchy and it is important to like rehearse positivity. 100%. In your mind and like learn how to be compassionate and like nice to yourself and put like a lot of time and effort or like put consistency and time and like intention into building the muscle

of appreciating yourself and your life. So basically a couple of episodes, or whenever it was, we were talking about best case scenario journal, which is this thing where I was like, I've got this journal and the only thing I'm putting in it is positive things about the day and then I'll do a version of the day

which is best case scenario for the day. So today it would be Thursday 30th of January, best case scenario. I haven't done it today, but it would be like, we record the best episode ever. Oh my God. And then fucking Miley Cyrus replies and says, I love this episode. One question. Do you feel, how do you feel at the end of the day when obviously none of that stuff has happened? You know, like does it set you up a little bit? No, because I'm not, I'm not banking on it necessarily. Or like, I'm not necessarily saying Miley Cyrus

is gonna reply to the episode and be like, da da da. I do generally keep it quiet, like, we'll record a really nice episode, we'll have a really good time, like I'll go for a nice walk, I'll see a friend, it'll be really nice and chill, I'll feel good, I'll be laughing and then I'll come home, I'll have something delicious for dinner. I normally write my reality but just from a good, grateful perspective. I'm

not writing like, and then fucking, someone picks me up and takes me to Thorpe Park at best date ever! I'm not writing like surprises. I feel like I, no not surprises but almost like I feel like I would feel... Set up for failure. Yeah I don't reflect on it after. And also a gap between like the version I wanted and then just like the slightly less satisfying life version. I think it's about looking at your life through the best-case scenario lens of like everything that's happened today There's a grateful way to look at it. Yeah, I'm like I do think I'm the kind of like so last night guys

My bank card got stolen. Oh my god As we were like leaving like I was with you for about three minutes post Leave you on in this chaos. It was my fault. Like I I was with you for about three minutes post that and it's like, leave you in this chaos. It was my fault, like, I had it in my pocket, obviously fell out of my pocket at some point. No, it wasn't your fault, it was really weird. I don't really know how that happened. I think it just fell out of my pocket. Do we think it happened in the cinema? It must have happened. Do we think an influencer took it? I don't think, I know you have, you've floated

that with me a couple times, I don't think it is that. I'm not thinking Lucy Moon stole my bank card. No, Jesus Christ! Not Lucy Moon, who would have me? I don't think it's... I don't think it happened there. I think it happened like... on my... you know, in transit somewhere. I think it was... one of the... one of the folk, you know? One of the... Okay, maybe. One of the influencers. It wasn't you. I know it wasn't you, because I saw where they came from.

By the way, for context, guys, they spent eight pounds, and it worked. That would be a crazy twist. And then they tried to spend 20 pounds, and it got blocked immediately. So that's the levels that we're in, when you try to spend 20 pounds on my card, and it gets blocked.

I hope they're having as good a day as I am. Although, good for them, because they get the eight pounds, and I get my eight pounds back. So it kind of is a win-win. But it also is just stressful. Like you luckily weren't that stressed out by it, but that sort of thing would really stress me out. And I think I didn't care because it's the kind,

well, luckily I only have to contact Halifax, who I love, who I love. I love them because every time this happened to me, which is only a couple of times, but every time something weird or fraudulent has happened, they just give my money back straight away. And they're always very kind. Yeah.

Holy facts. I don't know, maybe people are having terrible experiences, but they're nice to me. The women on the phone, they're nice to me. And that's all it takes. No, that is all I want. I just want a nice person on the other end of the phone. I also want someone competent. Well, yeah, that's ideal. Often I do feel like-

I like to be the least competent one in the conversation. Yeah, but then also I had a big thing with Vladivodafone the other day, and it was like, I struggle in those moments to articulate the problem. The issues, yeah. So that's kind of the thing, it's like, I can't tell you what it is

because I actually don't really understand what this is. That was kind of the thing, it's like I can't tell you what it is because I actually don't really understand what this is. That was kind of me this morning with my therapy guy, he was like, so you know, give me like baseline what's going on here. And I was like, I'm kind of like running around the houses and I was like, I should have given, I need to start working on like an elevator pitch of like, here's my issue. My problems. Yeah, here's like top line of the problems. But anyway, last night when my bank card got stolen,

I was kind of thinking, at least not my ID, because that feels like more stressful to get a new one and da da da. Yeah. I feel like when I'm faced with real issues, I think about like, well at least, you know. You look quite good. I think I am a bit good sometimes.

Sometimes I literally cannot get out of bed and get dressed. So what's it worth? But anyway, the bank card got stolen. I do feel like when I'm doing the best case scenario thing, I'm not writing something really unrealistic. And then the next day I don't look back and be like, I didn't do any of that best case scenario stuff. I'm generally just writing like a really nice,

positive, loving version of the day to set me up. And then I kind of forget about it. I don't ever reflect back on what's the gap between the day that I had and the day that I hoped. It's not really like that, I don't know. I feel like what would suit me better is to do it as a reflection of these are the things that happened that I really loved. Because sometimes I feel like I... I think that's really important as well. Totally. I think they go hand in hand.

Because sometimes I feel like I don't really know when something good is happening like I'm like practicing feeling like actual like joy or like gratitude all of the stuff like often with like a gratitude journal I'm like writing all the good things but I'm not actually necessarily like feeling gratitude or like I'm not feeling elated by like I am so grateful for this water in this cup. It's like you know I feel nothing about that because I've had water in my cup my whole life. I feel nothing. Yeah. I always say to you as well, I feel like we talk about this a lot when we do big things like when when we achieve, you know, we achieve things sometimes as a duo,

quite often I would say. And we have the conversation of like, how does that feel? How does it feel to get the thing that you wanted? Not sure. And I feel like I'm always thinking. We're out of practice. Yeah, really out of practice. And also the thing of like-

As a society. Sometimes you can guess an amazing achievement or sometimes like something goes well, or just like you're having a nice time. But if it's particularly amazing, it might feel quite surreal, which sometimes can feel like the absence of happiness because you just kind of feel a bit void and numb and disconnected because it's hard to fathom. And we're out of practice.

It's not a culture where we're encouraged to feel that, talk about that, or actually celebrate that internally. It's like the first thing we're told to do, or the first thing we fucking do or see when people have an achievement, people get an achievement, something happens to them, first thing they do is like immediately share it, post it on Instagram or whatever. It's like never actually about like feeling that thing. It's all about like the external projection of having that thing. So I do think we're really fucked as a society of we're not, we're really, really bad at actually feeling grateful for things, which I think that takes gratitude,

generous to the whole next fucking level of there's actually a problem here with joy in our society. I was gonna say that earlier when we were talking about stuff. I was gonna say something else and we were talking about stuff. I was gonna say something else that I'm kind of similar to what you said about like reflecting on the day. It's like I do best case scenario, whatever, but I also have like a running thing of personal highlights

or just things that have made me happy, which I think is really important to prioritize or just like, Harry, how do you feel about writing down in your notes every night, every other evening or whatever when you get into bed, just write down two things that were okay. I enjoyed when I finally finished my meeting and I had a coffee and I listened to something or whatever, or just write down just little moments that made you feel good and at peace in yourself and da da da. Or I loved that moment when I,

that I did really fucking well in my meeting and everybody thought it was amazing and da da da and I'm really on it and I feel really proud of myself today da da da da and write it in your journal then, or write it in your notes, just make a note of it in your head, whatever. I feel like that achievement or that happiness about yourself and your life, living somewhere private,

is really important because it builds up this internal repertoire in your mind of like, it feeds into your identity. It gets you in the habit of liking yourself more, which is only a good thing, and it trains you, it builds the muscle of being able to recognise and appreciate the good things that you've done and the goodness about who you are.

And also, it validates those things without feeling the need to share them or prove them to anybody. It's purely for you. That's not to say you can't do an Instagram story being like, fucking smash my meeting, ha ha, I'm so amazing, I'm so amazing. Please be my guest, I welcome it. But like, feel it first. I think that's kind of the problem here is like, even when you're

writing them, don't be so fixated on the task of writing them, of like finding two things that you forget to actually feel that feeling. It's important to feel it. This is why I think a gratitude meditation works really well because it's less about remembering them, which I do think is also really important to have a list of stuff you can look through and stuff. But I think for me, I found lists that I have made of gratitude things in Jesus. I used to do three things every day just in my notes. I think for me, I found like lists that I have made of like gratitude things in Jesus. I would used to do like three things every day just in my notes. I think it went up to like day like 280.

It can become like a checkbox. It just becomes like a chore. It was a thing that I would do like on the tube or like on a yeah, just but I would also like they'd be filled with things that were like things that yeah for example the water in my cup which is a thing that like if I really think about it logically I am obviously so grateful to have access to running water cancelled! doesn't care about having running water cancelled! cancel me yeah you do too if you're listening to a fucking podcast on a fucking iPhone. I think you become so, oh what, go on. Teehee, it's just funny.

It's so, it's so true, but like you- She doesn't feel gratitude in her gratitude journal, cancelled, it's just funny. This is the problem though, that you strip it down to things that you're actually not, that are very fucking grateful for. It's like, I'm not- No, it needs to be genuine.

I'm not, I'm writing that down because I know logically i've been told- you've been told be grateful for for your running water, your watching your- like blah blah whatever it is. be grateful you have bedding, you have a bed to sleep in, all of this stuff. it becomes- you're having to tap into like a logical thing rather than act- which i think you can get to totally, but I'm looking for things rather than going from the inside out of what I actually feel grateful for. I'm going for like, right, what do I have? I have a bed to sleep in, which I'm really grateful for. That's not a feeling you had during that. That's not- You're lying. You're lying to me and you're lying to your gratitude journal.

But you're not feeling it either. You're not, crucially, if the whole purpose, if literally the whole fucking point of this journal is to build that neuro pathway to get to that point like Oakley Doakley said of getting to that point. I think he's a recurring character. I kind of, yeah, I'm a bit scared of him. I like it. I freaked myself out about him a bit. About Oakley Doakley.

If the whole point is to build that neuro pathway to get to that feeling of gratitude feeling more natural to you, if you're not actually feeling it, you're not treading down that grass and making that path clearer. You're just basically naming something that you have that other people don't have. And something that someone has told you to say or something that someone's told you to feel. It needs to be genuine. Nice. Nice. I kind of feel like it's, yeah. Good app maybe? I don't know. I think it's a really good app. What's up with you?

I literally, you know when you, it's kind of, I do have the Michael Scott thing of, sometimes I speak and I don't know what I'm gonna come out with. Every day of my life. And sometimes it just surprises me even like, where it's like, okay, that's what you wanted to say. There was a moment earlier where you were talking and I was like, oh, and then I was like,

you're in a conversation, like, why do you forget how to be in a conversation as soon as there's a microphone? And what do you mean? I almost like, obviously do you forget how to be in a conversation as soon as there's a microphone? And what do you mean? I almost like, obviously we have conversations like this all the time. All day. All day.

Literally all day. Yeah. But I was about to speak and then I was like, I'm going to get lost in my think, kind of the thing of like, wait, if I start this sentence, where is it going sort of thing. And then I was like, it's funny how that awareness doesn't happen if we're just having a conversation because I know I can just figure it out or whatever. It's just, it's so weird. Every sentence I give is like, was that my sentence?

I guess so, weird. I had this so much so I've, I'm back at like my uni like term has started again. Had my first lesson yesterday was amazing. Yeah. But that I find seminars and stuff a real like an even more somehow heightened than this version of that version of this because you get like one chance or you get like two chances to speak in like the three hours that it goes on you. You've got like a few points you can maybe

otherwise you're talking too much or you're talking, you know, you've got like you've got limited time. If i lost you 20 minutes ago i maybe have got you back now. Like what and also it's a conversation so it's different. It's like when you're in a silent a room that you're interjecting. You're muted and you raise your hand or someone asks you and then you deliver. It's like maybe try not to fluff those lines when you've got three lines in the play it's tough don't fluff two of them yeah and you know how I feel if you're a long-term listener about like a seminar environment so much better I must say but like it is really horrific in those moments where it's like and now I am going to insert myself into the conversation. And I'm about to speak. And it's like, you have, it's kind of,

I am not throwing away my shirt. Oh, it is. It is like, do not fuck this up, you've got one line. But you won't fuck it up. No, no, and I, you know. And you don't. And also if you did, you did, nobody cares. I remember once, I fucked up so many times.

Someone in a seminar was saying to us, it was actually on my, this was pre-uni, but the tutor was saying, basically people were nervous about doing their presentation and she was like, if you mess up your words or you stumble on your words, for example, and I've said this on the podcast before, I've said this to you, I know, Harry and Sefi.

But Sefi, I was talking to you there. Oh nice. But, oh nice. I love to be told when I'm being listened, when I'm being talked to because it's not to Harry. It's just to you specifically. Well, I had told you, no no, I have told it to you before. And I have told it on the pod before. So basically this is going to be new and exciting and interesting

to nobody here. But I'll say it anyway. But I had a tutor once be like, if you were to walk, walk, walk down the street and then stumble on the pavement a little bit and miss your step, miss your step and then just keep walking, at most it might be a little bit embarrassing of like, oh I stumbled on my step but no no one's thinking you can't walk, your walking is bad, you're not worthy of walking amongst us, da da da. So like if you're doing a presentation or you're speaking in a class

or you're speaking to somebody or whatever and you stumble on your words, or you get it dry in the throat, you can't speak. Nobody's thinking you're stupid. Nobody's thinking you're not worthy of speaking to us or like you don't know how to speak, you don't know how to think.

They're really not. No one's thinking that. At most it's a little bit embarrassing and you stumbled and that's that and we all just move on. Also when other people have it, it's so fucking classic, it's pretty much the whole thing we're talking about comparison and all of the stuff and how we all think the problem is us when actually it's not in any way. But like when someone else has an embarrassing moment in that sort of setting especially, you can just be like, oh well,

it means nothing. Like it literally means nothing. But if I was to even fuck up even mildly in that setting, my god, the anxiety for next week, it would be a big thing. And also the anticipation of fucking up I even think is worse than the aftermath of fucking up. Like I feel like the idea of fucking up or stumbling on your words or doing something wrong or even broader like not getting the job or getting dumped, getting fired, getting rejected in some way. Because you think of the worst case scenario. You imagine them to be so much more difficult to deal with than they are.

That's not to say it's not going to be difficult to like get through a breakup or like lose out on a job you really wanted. That would be really painful but you will get through it but the idea of these scary things feels really impossible but it's not impossible. Sometimes. This is actually, I would actually call it the antithesis of the best case scenario journal but it's a tactic that my old therapist would often, like it's really, really common in CBT, not CBD, Jesus. Not CBD. CBT, it's really common.

So for example, I went in to have CBT and I was like, I can't go to seminars. Like they are the pits, like I fucking hate them. I can't speak, like I have the worst social anxiety. And she was like, okay, let's play through the worst case scenario. You go in, you shit yourself, you're sick everywhere. You burst into tears, your crush is in there laughing at you with his new girlfriend, you shit yourself on them. Again! There's shit everywhere. And like, it's horrible, it's horrible. And like, you've got shit everywhere, did I mention?

And then you start doing something weird, you start doing a weird song. What's wrong with you? There's shit. For some reason you're dressed in a weird tutu, and you start dancing and singing. It's heat of falling out. It's awful.

It's literally, and then all of your friends and family are there laughing at you. Everybody hates you, they're like, we we wish you were dead and they're filming it never liked you you've been framed and it like goes really viral yeah really awful you're always known as shit dancing girl forever good luck getting back from that that's worst case that is worst case then yes in in keeping with the grass the best case sorry direct journal then it's like, okay, so best case scenario is you go in, everyone round of a box for this beautiful girl.

Oh my god, two two girl is here, we love. You say this most perfect point, but you didn't know. Steven Spielberg was in there, you just got scouted. He's gonna make you star, isn't he? You're a star. From there, you just go from strength to strength. You end up teaching that course. You end up leading that lesson. Truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

You might shit yourself and you might end up teaching the thing. And you might end up getting scouted. But... You might. I think it brings obviously like a load of shit, like humor in basically. But what it really does is point to the fact that like the thing that you're like so scared of happening, of like stumbling on your lines

and everyone's like, oh my God, that's so embarrassing. And your stomach rumbles. That was like a thing I used to be embarrassed. Oh my God, my stomach's rumbling. So embarrassing. It's like, like okay so even if that happens like it probably isn't going to happen on this like massive sort of thing of probability that we just like mapped out it's probably gonna be somewhere in the middle of like oh okay maybe you blushed when you spoke. cute. is it that bad? it's not that bad it's not that bad and it's not that bad. And it is important to-

It's on the spectrum of stuff. I also remember us talking about like, yeah, seeing that worst case scenario, having the fear about something, and then playing it through. Don't just sit at the point of the climax of, and then this happens, and this happens. It's like, you know, keep going.

Then what happened after you shut yourself? Everybody helped you clean up. It was really embarrassing. Somebody drove you to the hospital. Someone drove you home to get changed. And then you came home and your housemates were like, are you okay? Are you all right? Like da da da. And then you lived a long and happy life after that and everything was fine.

And then you were always embarrassed about this kind of thing, but you went on holiday with your friends and exes. You're like, really, really play it through. It's like, I think the blush in the seminar or like the embarrassing whatever, it really doesn't, it really actually does not matter. Yeah. And also the better you get, like I personally am very good. Something else I learned in psychology,

this is back in G, I can't remember if it was GCC or ILO, you probably do it in both, but this is definitely basic stuff here. It's common sense really. The more you rehearse something in your mind, the longer you remember it. I have spoken on this podcast many times about memories being like gift cards.

So like you're just about to forget something. You're hitting that like 16, 17 month expiry point and then you go to the till, swipe it and it renews it for another 18 months. Every time you remember and rehearse something in your mind, it strengthens the memory, it builds it, and it can change over time. You might be slightly tainted.

But also isn't it that it gets more distant from the reality every time? It can be changing every time, yeah, but you're holding onto the idea of this memory. Every time you remember it, you rehearse it, it strengthens this memory, this concept in your mind. Most people, now I'm becoming abstract and like, these are my observations now,

not the observations of psychologist's past. Most people are really good, I think, at rehearsing negative stuff. So something bad will happen and you rehearse it, you rehearse it, you rehearse it, and you have these lots of core memories of things that were really scary or really embarrassing or really, really bad.

And wouldn't it be nice if you could put similar energy into also rehearsing nice things? Because in the same way that you have lots of core memories that are like, oh God, that time that he kissed somebody else in front of me and I da da da da, or like they walked home without me and I had to get the bus on my own and I felt so left out and da da da da.

There are lots of things, nice things, that happen to you in your life, Harry. And they just come and go. They just off into the void. And we could spend a little bit more time being like, no, but 99 times out of 100, I walk home with them and it's all good. And like, we had a great conversation the other day or like we had so much fun when we went here or da da da. It's like really important to try and rehearse ideas that are like positive and like nice because totally in the way that

best case scenario might feel really unrealistic. Well I spent a lot of time rehearsing worst case scenario stuff so you may as well. Also because it's like even with even on the reflection angle of like if we say for example this podcast it's like you could easily say, I could close this laptop and be like, we recorded a really nice episode of goes without saying. Yeah. That's not going to happen. Like, yes. Well, yeah, we were.

Yeah. Yeah. If I'm just saying, I recorded a nice episode, whatever, but my actual brain is going to be focusing on the bits that I didn't like, or what I would change, or blah blah blah. There's an element of it that's like biological stuff, but the most of it's load of bollocks. We will just focus on the negative of anything, even if it was just objectively nice, I think. Which that's why I think it's good to be like that moment was good, you did that bit well. And there's an element of choice sometimes.

100%. So lean into that. Like I'm gonna choose to not start scrolling through people when I want to go on tour with my guitar. Not a thing. I'm maybe not gonna start scrolling through like these people who are similar to my age and oh they Don't do it guys They hang around with cool people and they have a cool manager who's taking them on tour next week and I

Just gonna take some time away from that. Yeah, you know Also because the truth is like with like the little truth of this is they exist Okay, they exist like your worst fear of a person the most threatening version of like basically you but better everything you wish you were they exist you can either choose to spend your own literal one life looking through them and comparing yourself to them you're never you never scroll through people that's like all the people that aren't doing the thing that you want to do all the people that aren't doing the thing

that you want to do, all the people that are just living the life that you wouldn't want, that aren't a threat to you. The truth is that they all exist. There's like a huge spectrum of people whose lives you want, people whose lives you wouldn't want, or people you'd want to look like, people you wouldn't want, all of that stuff, they all exist.

It is very, very, very much, and that's out of your control, but it's very much down to you what you choose to look at. So I think it's like making the right fucking decision of like, they exist, you don't need to be digging there. You just don't. And also remember, like you are that person to probably a few people, like. And that person has their own spectrum of people.

It's a big chain of shit. Yeah, they have their own people that they can't have. Someone's looking at you thinking, I wanna be more like that, and you're looking at them thinking, I wanna be more like that, and they're looking at somebody else who wants to be more like that and da da da da,

and the loop continues. Yeah. And let's just remember, this is the crucial thing. The crux. The crux of all of this is comparison, like, and I'm talking particularly about like comparison between women, kids us, it fools us all into thinking that we are

each other's enemies. We're not. That is because there is an enemy, there is something that is making us all hate each other and ourselves, that exists, that is not a fucking, that is not made up, that is real, that's there. He's been cited, he's been cited. But whilst we're looking at each other being like, I want her fucking top, whatever. That's taking our money and taking our time. And making you hate yourself and not, you know.

And all your friends. Yeah, and all your friends and your life Yeah, and um, yeah, you deserve to enjoy your life. God's bare minimum. I wish for you guys Okay Is that the end of the big reset then feels like it to me? I feel like it is I do we feel reset. I definitely feel like that's three heavy hitters. me too. you can't argue with that in my opinion. ep after ep after ep. it's crazy stuff actually. this is an hour. this is an hour yeah. and what an hour it's been. and what an hour it's been. i wish for many more

hours like this. me too. me too. thanks Thanks Harry for coming along, hope everyone's having a nice 2025. Oh my god thank you so much for being here. So far. Reminder that you don't need to change. You don't. Never did. No no you don't and thanks for all the love genuinely like we feel very supported and feel good at the moment. So too yeah may it rain long may it rain let the bells ring let the bells ring out alright if you don't hear from us assume the worst intro yeah okay FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

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