Goes Without Saying - this doesn't go without saying

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

keep our secrets. sephy & wing are coming clean in this honest episode of Goes Without Saying. you asked us everything you want to know, so we're spilling our guts for your entertainment. brace yourself for realness, deepness, and everything that ~doesn't~ go without saying. join the conversation every monday. speak your mind on the @sephyandwing instagram! you’re invited to our discord group chat: https://discord.gg/TRKPAMQk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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wherever you listen to podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com Goes Without Saying, we are back for another episode of Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Wing. And I am Sefi. And today we're going to be opening up everything that cannot go without saying.

We are, you guys know, we love to give you our most authentic selves. We're all about the realest, rawest combo. And these episodes are going to be kind of the behind the scenes of Goes Without Saying. The realest, darkest, deepest, most authentic chats possible so stay tuned pretty exciting pretty heavy yeah pretty raw let's get into it but this doesn't go without saying keep our secrets i think both of us have kind of been itching to like get everybody up to speed it's quite jarring like knowing that people can just like go back and listen to an episode from september and it's like wait no no let me introduce myself like

let's all get acquainted with one another and just i mean there's i feel like every week we feel like new people so it's just like constantly trying to outpace ourselves of running everyone back up to speed of like filling everyone in bringing like the hot takes yeah like i just ignore everything i said in november that was bullshit yeah um everything i said just discount it yeah totally new views now but people are dying to know um where you've been what hard yeah you had to do what's the hard thing what's the hard thing they're all saying um because wing put on the story saying she was doing a hard thing yeah weird that i did that as well i really recorded it i really pre-recorded an instagram story which is bizarre i wasn't expecting it no i wasn't i wasn't expecting it because you were like

right i've i've got a video ready to go um i'm just gonna put it up and it was like i'm doing oh god she's going public i see what's going on oh right you didn't know i was gonna do that well i kind of um so just to clarify if you're really confused let's really get you up to speed yeah yeah in the last episode we were saying thank you so much because in the episode before that we'd had a week off because i was having a breakdown etc and we just both like to have time to reflect so that we can come back and give you what we hope is a decent episode every week um but i wanted to say on the story specifically that i was really really grateful for everyone who sent in messages and i said and i almost couldn't

ignore what i was doing that day because it was so massive and also i like i don't want to be vague with you lot like i I like having everyone be in the loop because I really feel like the honestly the BTS army I really feel the army like I really feel the GWS army the S and W army yeah yeah I really do though do you get what I mean oh for sure I feel like especially with what you were doing it's like you had a squad behind you and you needed it that day yeah let's get into it yeah that's what i was gonna say let me just squash the squash the rumors um because also i don't want to be vague and i feel like no so annoying i'm at a point where i mean it was funny last night i was i like read a message out

to my boyfriend which i keep doing which is like god i don't know what you're gonna do when we're kylie jenner because like i go on and on I'm like look at this person being so cute look at what this person said blah blah people just being so nice and we my boyfriend and I were laughing at like he kind of said not like um they don't like in reality that you don't see like how kind of worthless Sefi and I are but like in reality it's funny that you guys have a perception of us which is true but i mean you would wouldn't you but it's funny that we just have perceptions of other human beings based on what we see when like for my boyfriend from his perspective it's like he feels like everyone gets a really small part of me if you do get a small part of us both

but you do get a very intimate hour a very real hour of us every week and speaking about like what happened on monday which i'll get into it's like at this point you lot do know potentially more about me than other people close to me know like for sure for sure we really do let you in because you're hearing internal monologues almost also you're not hearing my conversation with um kind of my lecturer at uni you're hearing a conversation with wing which is much more open than i care to be with the fucking stranger on the bus i mean you do know things like yeah for example me talking about autism it's like yeah no some of my closest closest friends don't know that because they don't listen to the podcast rude

it's like no because i feel comfortable to share that on here. But I mean, you are getting an insight. Yeah. And I wanted to properly explain, obviously, everything that's been going on and including what I was up to on Monday. But I would say to Sefi, I feel like the podcast episodes are so much safer than like an Instagram story. Like I've got kind of 58 minutes of padding on either side to like secure me. Like statistically, you're probably not hearing this.

Like if you're hearing this kind of against all odds, like what are the chances that you would be hearing me speak right now so in the last episode i said that i'd kind of come to a bit of a boiling point in my therapy with complex ptsd um which is kind of has kind of manifested from quite bizarre just like absolutely wild childhood trauma to give you the quick kind of here's what you missed on glee here's what you missed on glee i i um had a great but also like but how great is anyone's childhood but i had like a fine childhood being an only child up until a certain age um my childhood took a bit of a turn quite a u-turn yeah oh god well it absolutely took a u-turn took a turn straight down to the depths of hell but i was in a um a situation that was traumatic and kind of heartbreaking and also unsafe for like a child

and a teenager due to kind of just like in the care the care that i was under and it was allowed by one of my parents one of my parents essentially just allowed for it to happen which was a big part of it to be honest like there was a man in my life who i think shouldn't have been in my life or shouldn't have been allowed to say or do the things that he did to a child me and my parent who you know with them just let it let it happen or you know the optics of a child if you if it's continuing and your parent is kind of with them just letting it be whether or not they're having arguments or whatever the optics of it is it's being allowed by your parent and i mean god there's like religion involved i mean it's a whole thing

but on monday i i it's kind it's kind of homecoming it was kind of um facing your abuser for the first time as an adult situation everyone's kind of holding hands right now for sure everyone's kind of sending you vibes well I'm I'm kind of holding everyone's hands not letting you leave I'm like stay listen to the drama oh we're dying to hear don't go I really do I mean it went well go. I really do think, I mean, it went well, honestly. And I really do think it went well, largely because, look, I have to say, Sefi has just been so amazing. Like, I can't even.

I didn't think you, oh. No, honestly, I'm going to cry. I'm just so, so fucking proud of you. God, I'm. I literally am so proud of you. God, I'm... I literally am so proud of you. Like, what a fucking day that was to go and face this person and basically honour your childhood self and explain to them how they fucked up with you. It's not an easy fucking task and you did it.

And fuck, I'm so fucking proud of you. Well, I really did it thanks to your support honestly like guys i can't even tell you if you think you've spent hours going over my trauma with me sephie has really put in the work to like come to me every day like we're writing out fucking notes together about like what i do and don't say and although i did fuck it up because we scheduled this like facetime right right we're going to talk about it through and i i wanted a little snack and there were some weed brownies in my freezer i thought i just have one it probably won't affect me i was so stoned throughout the whole thing honestly

substance abuser over here i really am these days it's becoming an issue but my housemate's a real baker but she's been away so me and my other housemate just did weird brownies and i'm kind of using them as substitute for like cookies but i love that you you thought they were just going to be like a little brownie. You're like, they're not strong at all. I was thinking, Jesus, like- I don't have a cup of tea. We brownies fuck me up. And I was fucked.

I would be fucked. And yeah, you were. Honestly, it was like your deepest, darkest trauma. And honestly, it was blurry around the edges. Like write down this. I've got an idea. That was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what I needed.

Kind of, you came to me in a mirage like it was kind of this mellow hallucinate like kind of bizarre figure dude dude we've got this it was everything I needed and genuine like I I really I know I keep going on about it but I I can't even say how nice it is to have people who listen be like even like minutely invested in whatever i was up to that day and i really really felt just like i wasn't alone in that situation just like it's okay i can do it we're all rooting for each other it was just very just the best and my highlight that i will share it went well but my highlight was I saw that man I'm grinning this this is this is the pivotal moment my I just said this is my favorite moment in Erin's life to date

my personal favorite as I was leaving it's like I was kind of leave I was getting in my car and I look back I was like looking at him sound at the door and I thought I was really looking at him like you're a small man you are nothing like you are meaningless i thought god i thought you were a big fucking scary giant i thought you were a monster i thought you were a big bad wolf but no you're just like a little shrimp you're meaningless you're nothing yeah your presence is irrelevant you are a tiny man and i am a grown woman oh why i i think it's my favorite trope in life my favorite narrative of the little girls who were treated badly they all grew up they're all women now and they can look the men in the fucking eyes and go i know we were both there

we're both in that room and i know what you did what are you gonna do now i remember i remember i remember what you did you didn't burn all i remember i remember what you did you didn't burn all the evidence i remember it's like you didn't do that into a vacuum you didn't do that to a um a little teddy bear didn't scream at a teddy bear you screamed at me and i'm looking at you no you did it to me yeah wrong fucking person your fatal mistake your fatal mistake now i'm gonna talk about you on my podcast but anyway that's what's been up with me that's kind of what i'm, someone, well, quite a few people asked

what we've been working through in therapy. Sefi, we've both been working on this in therapy. But this is kind of what is going on with me. And I think it's just, it's honestly turning point after turning point. When I kept saying, I'm going to turn up every Monday as a new bitch. Okay, now the new bitches were coming into the final form.

Like, I really owned- You closed a the story it's like I'm comfortable yeah I've closed a chapter and it's like I mean I was on the way there thinking did I make this up yeah gaslighting yourself yeah gaslighting myself the way that society would gaslight society would gaslight you iconic line hell yeah who came up with that genius quote but yeah i mean i just i feel so grateful to have to have you seffy and to have my friends and to have people listening i feel like even irrespective of this situation i know lots of you feel seen by this podcast you feel a connection with us i just want to say we feel it too like it's very mutual we feel it back yeah we feel it bad big time big time two-way street baby so yeah what

about you sephie what you've been up to what have i been up to i love how yours is like facing childhood demons closing chapters i've kind of been like just being quite stoned the whole week like kind of just been doing yoga been working my way through those brownies oh my god do we send in an intervention honestly i well i think i'm having fun i am having fun it's kind of um when the fun stops stop yeah well what am i doing um i got some new bikinis that was fun um oh yeah talk us through this if you wouldn't mind talk talk you through it are you stoned right now uh uh when did this microphone get here what what am i doing as in what i was saying to you

about the bikinis yesterday well yeah spoiler but yeah yeah yeah go on in full detail well we're recording on body image next week i believe or it's in yeah there's a conversation on body image that's bubbling between the two of us and i think we're gonna discuss it at some point god it's bubbling away bubbling under the surface it needs to be discussed nice this actually ties into the question of what have i been working on in therapy i'm not i'm not actually in an active stage of therapy right now which i fucking wish i was but it's so fucking expensive but i think as soon as i can get back in it so any sponsors out there please god please i'm begging you she's getting stoned every day squarespace i speak directly to you audible i now speak directly to you i need it but i ordered some bikinis because i'm going to a spa which is

oh yeah which is so random going to a spa which i have don't i've only been to a spa once in my life and also in COVID times, it kind of is stressing me out, but I've got to go and it's- I think it will probably be one of the cleanest, safest spaces to be, right? Well, I'm really nervous for it, but I'm also just like-

What are you nervous about? It just feels wrong. It just feels completely wrong. In a COVID sense. Yeah, it feels completely inappropriate almost. Inappropriate, like tone deaf. It's like, are we joking? Are you joking are you joking

read the room uh have you looked around no i think it's fine i think um when you say a spa surely they're not gonna they won't have that many people like that sort of thing no it's not like because it's you it's bath spa everyone knows bath oh like bath spa the uni shout out to all the students listening shout out but this is actually the the baths of it so it's like open air vibes yeah they're not doing the steam rooms but i don't know but i'm sure i'm i'm nervous just from a covid perspective not even of getting it one i feel i feel nervous just because it feels wrong and it just feels like huh but two i feel kind of stressed about it because it's like body image bikini times which i think part of my fear one of my new year's resolutions was to take a bikini pic one of the things on my list i've never seen you in a bikini you wouldn't have

you absolutely wouldn't have i don't think you've ever seen me in a bikini actually though oh but did you not used to wear bikinis i was saying but not like regularly i would wear a bikini but i would feel absolutely dreadful in it like i would feel absolutely dreadful but then it's like i think yeah throughout my life i kind of feel have felt dreadful just in my own skin body generally in this life generally in a human form generally um but i was just like fuck okay i'm just gonna get some bikinis i actually like so i got some that i actually like and they're nice bikinis sort of thing but it's still just like the process of trying them on it's like oh my god someone fucking hand me a gun like this is awful this is an awful experience did you go into it thinking it was going to be awful did you go into it thinking it was going to be liberating like

what what were you thinking were you nervous for them to arrive that sort of thing wasn't nervous for them to arrive but i i just knew what it was going to be it's it's just it's such a confronting thing to be looking at essentially your naked body in a mirror, which also I am so different to how I used to be. I think it's not even how I feel about my body now, but it's almost I have all of the kind of build up of how I used to feel about trying on bikinis and trying on like underwear from when I was 14. And kind of my body dysmorphia was at its peak oh i i hate it

but yeah no i i kind of had this thing right so i tried them on i was like oh i i think i look good in there too right i think i look good well that's the thing but then i was saying to you on the phone it's like i'm having a thing at the moment where i'm not sure yeah whether i'm like losing weight or i'm just seeing my body for what it has always been you're just seeing your body differently now yeah because I've always been the same size and I've always been relatively slim but have always seen myself like I've always fitted into small sizes but the way I've always seen myself is I have body dysmorphia basically I've always seen myself as like a huge person um and it even goes

in with height as well like i'm a very very short person but i see myself as like six foot five yeah yeah six foot five is mental but i kind of think we're probably the same height even though i know we have measured each other and it's not i mean it's objectively false i'm like i'm i'm above average and you are below like there's a whole demographic of young women between us like if we were getting our school photo taken you'd be miles away i wouldn't be able to get to you i love that you think you're tall because i i think i think it's a nice thing in the sense of i think you've said before like you feel like you have a tall personality like you've got big personality kind of thing but i think i i think i've got kind of big dick energy

kind of i'm just energy in my mind yeah that's when i find it jarring when i look in the mirror and it's a very small person and then what i also see is kind of i don't see it anymore but when when i used to look in the mirror i used to see something that i didn't like as like oh my god i'm um kind of too big too too ever too taking up too much space even though what is literally standing there is someone that isn't but i don't know i actually think i had quite a positive experience with i think yoga has been changing my mind about my body so much um and all the stuff in therapy but it's it was just one of those weird things where i was like i don't know whether i'm seeing myself

for the first time with accurate eyes at the moment yeah either i'm kind of rapidly losing so much weight which kind of i know i'm not i'd be worried it's like you're eating nothing but weed brownies every day and you're losing weight rapidly it's like i'm it's alarming concerned yeah concerned yeah which isn't the case or i'm seeing myself and being like oh okay like you're not big huh yeah well just kind of and these are this is just what my body looks like. It's just a body. It's just a weird time, really. So yeah, I mean, that's what's been going on. But it's not even I don't know, I think we'll get into more stuff in the body image

episode. But it's kind of Yeah, I feel like being in a body is just a weird fucking place to be. It's like, huh? It is. Yeah, it's not like a it not like a machine, like a car. And kind of, there's a set kind of tone and there's a set machinery. Or it's like, I thought I was kind of an astral spirit. Yeah. Like I thought I was kind of. An essence of a soul, yeah. Yeah. It's the weed talking, yeah.

But no, I'm tied down to this, like, huh? Yeah, yeah. But I think I'm just rewiring. I'm just, I think throughout my whole life, I think I've kind of got to a point where i've accepted it's like a lifelong fucking journey which is so depressing like i can't be fucking bothered but but also amazing yeah because i think even you saying about like you're gonna get bikinis that you like i remember saying to you like when we first were recording these episodes like um like filming them like, filming them, like, I was saying to you, like, the way that you look, it's a shame that you're gonna allow the way that you look to hold you back, not that

I'm, like, patron, like, that sounds patronising, or, like, or, like, I don't get it, like, but I just mean, it's just frustrating to not allow yourself the fun things that you want, like, not allow yourself the fun in the bikini, or not allow yourself to be on camera because you feel like you just need to quickly sort this out and then i can be on camera i just need to quickly do this quickly lose this weight and then i'll look yeah it's like oh well if i don't eat for a week then i can um wear this dress or then i can be on camera then i can do but it's actually like no but what if you don't need to not eat for a week what if you can yeah why why isn't who you are naturally now good and acceptable yeah i agree yeah i agree why are you not worthy of the things that you want to do

you absolutely are it's just fucked but that's the thing i can intellectualize that i think i've always had that if i can intellectualize it like why at the beach i'm at the beach this should be the best fucking time why am i so miserable but it's so fucking hard because it's like wired ins from something yeah from just a teenage time spent like obsessed with like magazines and like weight loss weight loss weight loss the whole time but it fucks things up because you you lose your grip on reality i think that is i think that is my main thing with body image i have never known what i look like i've never known because i've always been told like you have an image of yourself that is completely off like you're you don't see yourself accurately and also I guess kind of even with autism it's like my image of the world is off

according to everyone everyone sort of thing anyway it's like just slightly not it or just slightly different I guess not maybe wrong but essentially slightly wrong but I think that's I've never known what I look like or never known how I like appear in the world and then I think when I was trying on these bikinis I was like wait am I kind of seeing it like it was just a bit of a weird it was a different moment because I've never really thought that I'm seeing reality in that way but I don't know if this makes sense maybe it's just you you don't mind what you see for the first time I think it makes perfect sense of like maybe you've always been able to see you just had a deep rooted hatred like that is so it's like you can't stomach what you're seeing it's so weird which is so damaging it's hard to carry that with you in your life

it's hard to wake up and take that with you throughout the day and then like perform you know perform in work perform in life perform in your relationships when you're carrying like that that with you it's heavy it's weird it's so weird like i it's one of those things it's like you would think after years and years and years you would have some kind of grip on it and i think my i'm changing my mind all the time but i still just don't know at all so yeah squarespace hit us up if you want to work with us to pay for my therapy well it's also kind of trusting yourself etc that's a real um a theme at the moment it is big time but i mean that's what we've been up to hey body image episode coming yeah can't wait um i wanted to do this one just to lighten the mood no don't lighten the mood i've had to write them down a piece of paper honestly like a little

kind of by pigeon carrier it's been sent over to you message in a bottle message in a bottle has come over to me that says fuck mary it says fuck it says fuck mary kill harry styles jim carrey and each other and i love a fuck marry kill slash what i call kill kiss or marry because i'm pg pc yeah oh yeah pg not pg i'm pg you're rated you who would you fuck marry kill jim carrey harry styles i will me to kill somebody is it's so extreme like if we're taking it like that to kill somebody is is wild it's harry for me if i'm gonna kill someone i need to be able to say sephi i've just killed someone so i'm not killing you for sure i think i'm killing jim you're killing harry i'm killing harry i'm i'm no go on oh i

guess i have to marry you because i don't particularly want to kiss you oh we're not fucking oh no it's it's fuck well that's the thing so i think i'm fucking jim marrying you killing harry yeah fair enough but i also kind of want to marry jim i don't think i want to marry the person that killed harry styles it's like yeah yeah we're like um rebels we're like outcasts we're gonna have to you've got issues all of a sudden it's like right okay we're gonna move you've got the fight of your life ahead of you. We're in hiding. We can't do the pod anymore, that's for sure. How can we be authentic when you've killed Harry Styles?

It's like, God, better not bring him up. It's pretty bad. He's popping off in the Discord every week. It's like, shit, I can't. That's worst case scenario. You've killed Harry Styles. It's like suddenly you're outlaws. How did you manage that? Fucking hell.

You killed him. Who? Harry who? Prince Harry? harry no no harry style it's like fuck worst case scenario that's bad it's like literally did zane put you up to this so bad i'm getting i'm killing jim for sure are you yeah because he's the oldest so it's only fair true he's pretty fit though oh that's kind of i really he is but i hate that narrative of like he's old so he can die obviously i hate the narrative that we've had with covid of like oh the old people like the sick people they can go anywhere it's like jesus christ we are

fucked as a society like that's the worst thing i've ever heard but when it comes to fuck barry kill harry stars jim carrey and sephie jim's gone listen compromises have to be made and jim is not looking good he's a goner i mean i would i yeah look it's between harry and jim i think i'm i'm veering veering is that what i'm edging towards choosing jim over harry what to fuck to fuck yeah To fuck, yeah. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson, and this is a field guide to gay animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world.

The animal kingdom is queer, and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts. Or wherever you get your podcasts. that's insane i think harry's obviously so fit but it's kind of jim carrey do you hear yourself right now is so fit but like jim carrey are you are you thinking straight what's going on here are you thinking of the right person i think that would be a very fun time there would be characters involved oh god okay well that's all i need to hear i can't just about enough thank you i didn't ask for the details be method acting

that's as who the grinch the grinch truman it's like what's his character he's like chewing on glass oh my god the grinch is so that's so bad oh my god it's kind of your cindy loo who no that's fucked what dumb and dumber where what else he been in uh liar liar is that a film um yes man or whatever it's gonna say i want you to method act as your character in Yes Man. It's like non-descript character. It's essentially just like man. Basic man. It's kind of Jim Carrey. In the 90s, like early 2000s.

I want you to act as your character from Liar Liar. Oh my God. Like what? It's like kind of just your everyday everyday gym just like put on your normal clothes like jim just wear what you're wearing that day that could be your costume oh my god um but i can we do some more um fuck marry kills all right go on then off the top of your head yeah just kind of if i give you like harry potter ron weasley and draco like what are you doing for example in that?

I'm killing Draco for the greater good. God, okay. Sorry. God, didn't see that coming. It's got to be done. Like realistically, who do I trust? No, but fuck Draco. If I'm trying to leave the world a better place.

Sure, no, you're not. You're not. You're trying to make your life a funner place. I am though. You've not got the weight on your shoulders in this scenario. Oh, I do. I do. I'm killing Draco for sure.

And I'm going to marry Harry and I'll have to fuck Ron, even though Harry won't like that. God. I don't want to have sex with Draco. He's evil. I think that's evil. He is evil. He is evil. I think that's the opposite of what I would have chosen.

I think it's the opposite of what you would have chosen. I think it's the opposite of what you would have chosen as well because you're kind of Voldemort reincarnate. I would kill Harry, fuck Draco, marry Ron easily in a heartbeat. Yeah, I see that. I see it for you. I love it for you. To me, sex with Draco wouldn't be enjoyable because it's just like, I don't trust you.

Like, you probably don't respect me like yeah i need some respect from you it's like that's i'm gonna be degraded and i'm not into that is that i'm degrading you you little kind of bleached out weasel i don't think he would know i think draco's got the sensitive like he's also like erin that's like bleached out weasel literally like that's kind of a 14 year old like shut your mouth like what am i saying it's like i've got beef with a 12 year old i'll never forgive you for what you did to harry but i think draco he isn't mean in that way like he is but he he has the sensitive soul i think you would get into quite a bit like i reckon he'd be a bit of a crier almost

i i'm punching him in the face i'm doing a that felt good i'm not having sex with him saying that felt good you probably love some evil little evil little cockroach little cockroach yeah but yeah i just wanted to play a quick game of that okay would you want to do another one i know you love it i love it i love um the crushes of life what about fuck marry kill i'm joking i wasn't no no that was listeners i don't know if that's going in it's getting beeped obviously getting beeped the fuck out of that it goes out saying we don't want to kill anyone any of you we want to fucking marry all of you no it's just marry marry marry marry fuck marry kill shrek f, Lord Farquaad. Oh, God.

Oh, goodness. Oh, well, I'm killing Lord Farquaad. How do you say it? Lord. Like, why is that the most embarrassing bit? He's saying his name. Lord Farquaad. You're going to say, like, Kumquat.

Yeah, that's why I was saying, like, Lord Kumquat. I'm killing him, obviously. Goes without saying like lord kumquat um i'm killing him obviously goes without saying goes without saying well i'm not marrying or fucking that guy i'm fucking fiona marrying shrek you're gonna marry shrek yeah i'm gonna marry fiona really oh i don't want to fuck shrek but i will do it for the sake of marrying fiona i'd fuck shrek would you i'd fuck shrek as a human shrek in human form not not human no no no ogre green track but fiona's ogre as well okay well then i'm marrying fucking human fiona no but i'm fucking human fiona and i'm marrying human shrek when she's doing her lovely little singing voice or whatever the reels really come back to haunt us because we hear them on loops so often. Oh, I hear them over and over and over.

Wing edits them and Christ, I mean, what a process that must be. Boy, do they go over and over. Okay, this question I really liked. Someone said, tell me how I start living this life that I pretend that I have. And I just thought,

what a fascinating subject, to be honest. Kind of could do a whole episode on it. Just for the fact that I was thinking, when I first saw that question, I was thinking, okay, but to what extent do you not have the life that you pretend that you have? Because if you're going through the motions of the performance of the life

that you're pretending that you have, or you're kind of trying to recreate the moments of the life that you want how much is that not real then so say i want my life to be i wake up i have therapy i record i get some work done i go for dinner that's your day that's my day yeah spoiler that's my day but it's like i could either be like fuck but i don't have any money right now fuck but, but I've worked all this shit right now. Like, oh, I look shit and I don't have this and I don't have this. It's like, I'm not saying it's all your perception because life is shit. I'll be the first to say it.

Life is fucking hard. But it's kind of what I was saying earlier about recording the reels or whatever with Sefi. It's like, at what point do we start enjoying what we've got? Because I've done it before where I look back and think, fuck, I could have really been enjoying that time, but I was too busy stressed. Yeah.

And it's like, yeah, that time wasn't perfect. And I know hindsight is rose-tinted, but there are moments that you can enjoy it. I'm sure there are moments in your life where, what does your pretending look like? If your pretending looks like when you're going for fucking dinner with your friend or your pretending looks like buying a new outfit and you love with your friend or you're pretending looks like

buying a new outfit and you love the way you look in it why is that why does that have to be pretend i love this yeah if you can switch something in your mind that allows you to enjoy it then you'll be living the life that you are pretending that you have you'll be living it you won't be pretending anymore i saw a meme we're so cultured i saw a meme so i was doing a bit of light reading it was a meme light reading on the internet um it said like i can't remember how it was saying but it was basically saying like rather than have this image of your dream life in the future where you will be like oh my god i can be basically i don't know i'm just gonna do my own dream life kind of you live on a farm you have loads of animals you're surrounded by cows you're surrounded by chickens

and like everything like oh my god it's so perfect i like i'm so one with nature oh my god it'll be so perfect when it gets to that but it's kind of what tangible ways can you bring in that into your reality of your life because in reality you can have this kind of fantasy of what you want in your life it could be oh my god i'm the highest flying business woman in the world i'm a ceo of my own company blah blah blah i go to lunches with all these people what ways can you bring things like that into your life now and i think god heavy meme yeah i know it was a heavy meme you got all that from a meme jesus yeah no it was like wordy wordy me amazing um it was quite a spiritual meme oh i love it send it my way yeah

i'll try and find it i'll put it on the story if i can find it because the things you're seeking aren't actually you're not actually seeking to be surrounded by cows blah blah you're seeking a connection with um life yeah well you're not actually seeking a business meeting lunch with an investor you're not actually seeking that you're seeking the feelings of success and like oh i'm on top of this feeling you're not actually seeking these individual things yeah you're not actually seeking that you're seeking the feelings of success and like oh i'm on top of this feeling you're not actually seeking these individual things yeah you're looking for the feelings that those things give you so what ways what can you actually tangibly do that will bring that into your life now and there are so many fucking things that there are so many ways you can bring that in oh what a great podcast this is honestly yeah it fucking it's fucking good it's

all from a meme take it away selfie that was great but it's so fucking true you're yeah it's like those um moments or like those ideas of experiences that you have are kind of interchangeable it's the feeling it's kind of what you were saying in the last episode that those moments are interchangeable it's the feeling of desiring love it's wanting to be seen and accepted and loved that is the one thing that you actually want and you can everything you once desired from others give to yourself right now i'm giving you permission give it to yourself now it's like whatever you're doing today i'm now giving you permission to enjoy it a bit more than you might have and i'm not saying life's not hard and i'm not saying life's not shit and i'm not

saying that class and race and gender and all of these things don't feed into the kind of reductive view that we all are being fed on like happiness and positivity and success and all of those things but there are certain ways that we can hold ourselves accountable and there are certain choices that we can make to relieve ourselves of the stress that we're putting ourselves under the pressure that we're putting on ourselves because often most of i mean from from my perspective it's like yeah life can be shit sometimes life throws things at me but i'm not gonna lie to you the majority of the time i create things in my mind like i will make things much more of a problem than they need to be and i end up looking back thinking oh last week really wasn't that bad on

paper and that's not to say that your emotions bad emotions aren't real it's just they don't have to be so consuming you can find like those light moments where you're at one with nature for example like seffy wants to be in in your everyday life when you're riding a unicorn over marshmallow clouds it's kind of god no it sounds great but also it's spoiler alert, you may never get there. It might never look like that. You're searching for a life that realistically you might never get there. None of us know how long we're going to live.

None of us know what the fuck is going to happen. Yeah, touching all the wood available. I want long and fruitful lives for all of us. But we don't fucking know. Anything can happen. I mean, I think COVID really proved it's like, look, our structures that we exist under are unstable. Fundamentally, they are unstable.

All the things that we think of as like, oh yeah, we've got that in the bank. Like I'm paying this into my pension. It's like, mate, you at fucking 70 is a different person to you now. You're gonna live to see your pension. Wow, that's a commitment. Yeah, wow, God. Or like, like oh you think pensions will still exist okay oh god you've got a lot of hope for society but you don't want to commit to one girl yeah exactly yeah yeah interesting interesting

times yeah but you might never get there so i think i'm well i'm reading i'm nearly done i'm gonna finish it today i'm on the last like three pages of this book at cart hole yeah and new earth i've been reading it fucking ages honestly slowest reader i did english at uni i'm the slowest reader around i love hearing your findings though i feel like you're really savoring it i really am every single page has highlights and notes on like it is one of the most amazing books i've ever read it's called if you didn't hear that harry it's a new earth by eckhart toll we now speak directly to you directly to you it is amazing i'm kind of working my way through like oprah's book club books and then i fucking ordered one and caitlin jenner's fucking biography arrived instead how bizarre well i literally ordered a book about death row it sounds amazing

it's about this guy that like it's called the sun does shine or something like that and it's like about this guy that is on death row and he finds like freedom and love in life on death row amazing thought that was arriving was so excited fucking caitlin jenner's biography arrives are you joking what are the chances it's kind it's really it's the the devil works hard but christiana works harder not that christiana wants caitlin's book to be going around but but it's a good joke yeah i mean the kardashian propaganda just doesn't die it's a joke but in this book oh my god in not caitlin jenner's book in a new earth by a car um the whole thing is insane it's insane it's changed my mind about so much but it was he was talking about um how we view the present moment in this society as like a means to an end like

if i can just do this in this moment then in the next moment i can be happy then in a week i can be happy then in um in a month i'll be happy when i'm 30 i'll be happy and it's like you're viewing your life as this um thing you can work through to get something thing that you're trying to get to yeah but no you're in it now you're in it yeah you're literally in it in it you're in it in it i used to say in it and i stopped myself saying in it i've said that before anyway in it yeah in it no just there's another quote that i love so much i think it's kind of everything yeah go on you want to decide from others give it to yourself now oh let us hear it share it okay well let me get my notes up i've

written it in my notes because i don't want to butcher it at all yeah don't butcher it oh my god it's so fucking good okay so first of all this isn't it but this just relates what we were just saying yeah go on so relates to it it says do you want the present moment to be your friend or your enemy so i remember you said that to me already i love it this present moment now yeah do you want it to be your friend or your enemy so fucking good but that wasn't the one this is the one whatever you think the world is withholding from you is what you're withholding from the world yeah yeah it is good that is amazing whatever you think the world is withholding from you is what you're withholding from the world yeah fuck well i feel like i'm not getting enough

of this i'm not getting enough it's because you're not giving that out but last year last year i had 37 last year yeah your dudley special day yeah and it's it's never gonna be dudley special day if you don't kind of stop being an arsehole yeah to yourself i was gonna say like how many of us now when you were saying like you know your life might never be that it's like how many of us can say I'm sure lots of us can say that your life, you know, you've had a moment in life where it didn't go how you thought it was going to go. It didn't go to plan, for example, or it took a different turn. But it felt good. Yeah, you were happy in that moment. And it wasn't what you expected or what you planned for or what you were hoping for it didn't come out exactly how you were thinking but it was but it worked it worked out yeah so many i think we've said this in episodes before well i know we have because i really really

truly believe this that all of the best things in my life i didn't plan or they happened kind of in spite of my plans i just walked right in yeah i made room for myself in your life all the things when i've been working with kind of desperation oh my god i need this thing if i just work that out and i can um kind of bring a to b together and then i'm connecting all the wires and it should work out perfectly all of that goes to shit always none of it ever works they're fickle yeah it's nothing every time that i scrap the plan and live in the moment i'm friends with the present moment i don't make it my enemy then amazing shit happens this podcast is hosted by seffy wing and the present moment our new friend our newest friend is the present moment everyone's coming around like us

fucking hell we just get worse and worse we do people were asking about our religious beliefs our experiences with religion if we're spiritual blah blah blah we can ask your question no in a q a yes imagine you're like no i'd rather you didn't were you like how did you think about religion growing up like as a kid i was raised like hard atheist like it wasn't just like we're agnostic like we don't believe in anything um it was like god does not exist like we are hard science vibes here because it's kind of their archae my parents are archaeologists i bet science people i don't know they were a bit like i don't know um but i remember there was one bit where i was like to my mom you know when you're a kid and you kind of believe in god and i was a bit like please like i'm really scared god doesn't

i'm i was remember crying to me i'm scared god exists and you don't believe in god so you're gonna yeah a valid fear honestly like you get a bit christian out of fear yeah but i remember my mom doing a crazy thing in the kitchen she like threw her arms up and she's like if you're there strike me down i was crying she did a jim carrey strike me it's my be almighty spider she fully did a jim carrey on you jim maybe that's why i love to feel so at home with jim that's where the love was born you kind of think he's your mom yeah that's quite i'm like mommy jim but you want to have sex with him that's like oh yeah let's get out of it yeah yeah suddenly it's freudian yeah but she was like strike me down then and i was like and then nothing happened obviously so i was like oh it can't be real then can't be real but maybe he is real and or she is real and she was listening to you saying no no but then she decided to kill

a load of children so well i think i've become more um spiritual as i've developed my own thing because my family aren't spiritual at all they're all hard still hardcore atheists my dad's a bit they think you're nerds my dad's not actually but i'm kind of the nut the nutter like i'm the only one that believes in ghosts out of the family i'm the nutter of yeah i'm the lunatic for sure what about you well i don't know i feel like i'm taking it to a to a dark place as usual yeah yeah, yeah. Well, I knew it was going to go here. So let's take it there. Not that I want to take it to a really dark place, but I just kind of want to... I don't know. Let me think. Like, what am I trying to say? I mean, you've got a complex relationship with religion. You would.

Yeah, I do. I have a complex relationship with religion. Not that I was raised particularly... I was going to say raised particularly delicious, I was going to say. So delicious. Honestly, delicious. raised particularly particularly delicious i was gonna say honestly delicious not that i was raised particularly um religious um up until a point but i mean my my like white side of my family is pretty like catholic but to be honest they like it was just pretty like you know i wasn't doing lent or anything i don't really know what lent is my family always made me give up tv for len got it really oh you did what you did len but they were going god doesn't exist but just as like some torturous thing yeah they'd be like

it's lent so no tv for you well you really made that your brand didn't you now you're fucking like i cannot relax yeah no honestly yeah yeah suddenly it's like if you watch one hour of tv it's like i'm the worst human being on earth but that was the sad story about when they split when my parents split up it was during lent and they let us watch half an hour of tv and we picked you've been framed there was a song it was like a montage of couples and i was just there crying i'm obsessed why is that the best honestly best time to get divorced early 2000s like in the during you've been framed it's like oh god such a time wow yeah and then so like my dad's side i mean i've always had like islam in and out of my life um and religion then obviously through the trauma i don't know if you guys heard

earlier i went on a bit of speech about my trauma religion was a big part of that too um although i think i was not surprised to anyone i think bad people use religion as a scapegoat for their bad actions i always find um religion is triggering for me honestly like yeah and it's weird because even like i know it's eid recently i feel like there's always something going on with eid like whenever it's fucking like ramadan it's like there's always some sort of heartache like there's like kind of i know like in palestine it's just it's hard i i kind of i i just want to say like for all of us because i was thinking that with the black lives like with black lives matter too like it's well firstly i want to say like for people who found it triggering i hope that you

take time off of social media because social media is hard anyway so like if um your religion or race is is triggering for you sometimes that's fine and go get out of here because it's kind of instagram and all like all of this shit is kind of built to fuck you up like it's not designed with your like with your race in mind basically if you're not white and i was i kind of wanted to say like not that i don't know this is not really not a big deal but i was just thinking earlier about sharing things or like if you think i think it's easy for like a lot of people to kind of without thinking feel like they're sharing something to help but you're actually sharing like a video of someone being attacked and it's like if that video yeah looks like your little brother it's hard to see and you think you're helping but actually you're just showing kind of racially charged murder yeah which is so painful for lots of people

and also why is it so easy for you to detach from it which is what that was such a big part of the black lives matter discourse yeah why are white people sharing these images of with crying emojis it's like black people being murdered so casually it's not casual it's not casual and i think it is it's i think it's just easy to forget that actually you think you're helping and i'm not saying you're not helping like i'm sure you are but in just like i think we like me too hashtag me too but me as well like when i it's hard to remember sometimes what you're because obviously i mean there's no safe space on the internet and there shouldn't be like whatever but just even

when you're going to share a video of someone being killed or whatever maybe take a second back click back a couple of pages and find like another thing that you can share that might be more helpful a different resource that might be more worthwhile for everyone because it's fucking hard yeah and maybe think about the impulse of sharing the impulse behind sharing that because i'm sure often when you get to the root of it is it this performative allyship like is it that you want oh it's it this is happening i need to share something about it's like do you yeah do you need to speak right now or do you actually need to like sit back and actually listen yeah i agree i agree i know that wasn't what they

were asking but i feel like religion is a big part of my i think about religion like all the time i think about religion and like i feel like there's so it's just interesting there are so many narratives about like traditional like the monolithic religions that i just think it's interesting to hear i think we're relatively normal but also kind of bizarre but like just normal girls talk about it because i think it stops it from being like an obscure thing. Like it's like, I think mainstream, not that we're mainstream media by any sense, but I just think mainstream media should be talking about autism, for example.

Like we should be talking about Islamophobia, like when we're thinking about it, because it stops it from being like an obscure like rarity like a marginalized yeah exactly like a thing that's kind of a dirty secret in the background yeah so religion is but i'm not i'm not religious at all but i am like i have many many a belief don't get me started on my beliefs we're spiritual i would say yeah but i wouldn't even say that i'm spiritual i think i just don't like the term. I think because, so when I was younger, I got really into like,

my older cousin would like read like tarot cards and stuff. Like when I was like really young. So he was really like a spiritualist. It's like, whoa, this is a real thing. Like I really fell into that as a kid, like loved it. So I feel like now, because it's like all been like kind of gentrified and whitewashed, it feels, it just feels a bit wrong.

It's like, it's not, I don't know. I'm not gay. I can't gay keep it. I don't want to, but it's just interesting, isn't it? Like how it's changed and kind of, it's just kind of, it feels a bit watered down. Well, it is. It's commercialized. It's now tarot cards are being designed all over the shop.

Like Game of Thrones characters. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of stunning i mean the most stunning thing ever but yeah no it is completely whitewashed and it's the whole um argument with um smudging as well like using sage like burning sage yeah it's like an indigenous practice but then there are white girls on instagram burning sage all over the shop yeah and it's like how far is that um appropriate yeah it's true it's and it's weird to think about i know people we've been like seph and i've been talking a lot about just like making sure that we're bringing the most

authentic conversation to you guys because we want the authentic conversation back and like someone said like how does it feel to be i don't know what they said they they like oh i can't remember how they put it but it was like relatively known or something it was like what was it it was like up and coming no no no it was someone else called us up but it was like oh i don't know what they said it was it was in this question box someone was like was it how do we feel to be this what something something in the swamp of instagram i love that one no um there's like the saints in the swamp but that was really nice yeah but it was something they basically said like how does it feel to have like a kind of a small following essentially and it's like yeah it feels weird it feels fucking strange because i'm not equipped like i'm sure you lot can tell

we are not equipped like we're not and that's why influencers get so hated because it's like they are just people and they end up saying the weirdest most fucked up things because you have responsibility with a platform but i just i think it's really important that we have an authentic conversation with you lot because i want you lot to be able to come to us and and speak authentically too like not that i want to be called out by you guys but i just want to have like an ongoing conversation where like if you guys have ideas and thoughts i want them to be shared like i want it to be not bullshit i want i just want to be able to have like a real honest dialogue yeah not bullshit with you guys like and pretend that i just i'm not doing we're not like here for a performance i think that's the thing that's so fucked with the relationship

that you're supposed to have with your following on the internet it's kind of you should be like love you guys at the end of your video or you should be like um i don't know there's this kind of thing that you're gonna sell them shit or that they're numbers to you in this way and you're gonna you have a relationship that they provide you with some sense of identity in some way yeah it's very detached but also dependent at the same time like it's a really sick relationship that i think you're supposed to have with your people that follow you kind of keep them at arm's length yeah and simultaneously exploit them yeah oh god it's bleak and i just think we're not here for that which i don't want to do no no not at all not the last thing i want to do is keep you at arm's length

honestly it's like come right in well i also don't want you coming to my fucking house no i don't i kind of i said come right well if i kind of want to meet you as humans like yeah definitely come comforty would be great but it's also i don't want people prying through my knicker drawer do you know what i mean like that sort of it's kind of i think well yeah no god knows what they'll find god knows you'll they'll find our um our kind of stolen vibrators um i we want to have a real relationship with you guys and meet you as kind of human beings on this earth we're all here alive at the same time on this earth what are the fucking chances literally what are the fucking chances and i think that is what i want i want to like have a real thing with real humans as a human

and not be on this kind of pedestal not be judged in this like open way but also be able to communicate like freely as a human with other humans yeah freely the banana girl freely the banana girl yeah anyone want to do the opposite of the banana girl is what i want but yeah i mean i just every week i feel like we feel more and more grateful for people listening and kind of every week i feel like we're i feel more and more able to be ourselves yeah in this yeah and i feel more and more seen which is quite scary but also just like the most stunning thing on earth i think it's because you're seeing yourself yeah stunning i mean that's quite nice i just want to again take a moment to thank seffy for being the best and just

kind of i just feel like god so thousands of people would die to get to have a fucking 10 minute combo with you i'm just like wow i i get to not only have this chat with you but just have you in my life i feel so lucky like wow like i get i get you up close and personal i feel honored well i'm throwing it right back throw it right back sort of frisbee it back boomerang i feel so lucky to know you so lucky to be able to it's such a treat to be able to fucking 1 30 p.m over here and i get to chat to you all day like god that's so nice like yeah what a fucking treat stunning and what's a treat for you guys to listen to this conversation audible i now speak directly to you please send us a check the ship is sinking sinking. I have no food.

Well, I hope you're all having a great week. Like, I hope it's revelation times for you. I hope it's celebration times for you. I wish I could just honestly get them by the neck and just squeeze their little heads off with a big kiss. Honestly, a big smackaroni. I kind of don't want to do that. I don't want to do that.

Get away from me. Do not try and kiss me. A hug at most. I would love a real combo with you. Honestly, so much. Just so happy to have you guys. Maybe just one thing to leave you with. Yeah, yeah.

Leave us with the lovely quote. That whatever you think the world is withholding from you is what you are withholding from the world. Can I quickly ask you? I know we were going to end it there, but what do you think the world is withholding from you is what you are withholding from the world can i quickly ask you i know we were going to end it there but what are you what do you think the world is withholding from you oh well maybe we should both do it i don't know what i think the world is withholding from me well right now a fucking sponsor exactly fucking audible square space headspace all of these places what do you guys want who like would you want audible would you be yawning your nut off at that

let us know maybe maybe you guys could do some of our bidding. Yeah, go on, pull your weight, fucking hell.