Goes Without Saying - vali-dating: dating for validation

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

dating for validation? it couldn’t be us. in this fun episode of Goes Without Saying, we (sephy & wing) break down our 10 vali-dating commandments from our new ebook and explore how we can all date with intention. we’re entering romantic relationships with strategy and following fun not fear. discussing dating apps, ghosting, heartbreak, and sex, we’re here to explore how romance can be easy. speak your mind on our instagram! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone and welcome back to Higher Priestess. I am Persephone and I am Erin and this is the podcast where we restructure self-perceptions. This is Smart Girl Internet. We challenge our insecurities. Yeah, and we're here for it. Are you here for it? You know what? I'm always here for it. I'm not sometimes. Every day. I could give or take really. But today, today's episode is all about our most requested yeah so we recently did an ebook on validating and lots of you are loving it so thank you very much and lots of you are asking questions on topics that we mention when we talk about the book etc etc what is validating so if you don't know what validating is it is our concept for dating for validation you are looking for intimacy and security in others um you know it's a bad time it's bad i've been there it's

bleak we've we've all been there we've all seen people be there you might be there right now yeah to be honest we will continue to be there yeah it's a hard place to it's a hard hole to climb out yeah but give us 45 minutes and we're gonna to try and knuckle it into you. We're dragging you by your feet out of the hole. Oh my God. Out of the validating hole. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. So the book is available.

Just a quick promo. The book is available from our Instagram. If you go to the link in our bio, it's on our website. Yeah. So we're going to structure this within the book. We're going to give away a little sneak preview, I guess, if you haven't got the book, but you are now listening to the podcast. The book is, I guess, founded on the pillars of the 10 validating commandments which is quite a religious

yeah experience guys when we say higher priestess we mean that we are going to the church of higher priestess we are going to come at you with the 10 commandments of what validating is and how to get out of it and what thou shall not do. Yeah, and the first one being, and I think this is essentially, I mean, this just- Numerate you know. Yeah, numerate you know. And it just summarises everything,

not just invalidating, just in life. So commandment number one. Don't respect others more than you respect yourself. Can we all get an amen? I mean, that's stunning. That's it. Here you are respecting others more than you respect yourself.

And you're expecting people to still respect you. How dare you? You don't even respect yourself. How dare I? I've been that person. You literally don't have it in you to stand up for yourself. But do you not think that is such a common,

that's like everything. Yeah, that's me. It's like, it's me all over. Guilty. Guilty as charged. Honestly. When we were coming up with these- Lack of respect, sign me up.

Hate myself. Check. Oh, tick them off. No, fully. I think the stem of all my issues in life is not being respecting myself. Like when I look back and think of all of the shit that I put up with,

ultimately it's because I respected the person on the other end more than I respected myself. I put their feelings above mine. I put the thought of people pleasing before I put my duty to myself. And I waited around for someone to stand up for me. It's never gonna fucking happen. And validate you as someone that is worthy of respect.

Yeah, no one's gonna care for you the way that you care for you. And if you don't even care for you, what's the fucking point? It's not a hope in hell. I'm going in strong with this one because I think it's really true. I mean, they do get funny. We have started pretty strong. Pretty deep.

But I think it's true. Do you respect yourself in the way that you respect others? Yeah. I think you do as well. I think I definitely haven't at some point. Yes. But I definitely do. We're all learning.

Yeah, we're all learning. There's definitely been points when I have been like, okay, I'll adapt my behaviour to meet this person's perceptions or I'll, do you know what I mean? Like just tailor myself. I'll compromise on this. Yeah, and it's like actually, fuck it.

I think now people are getting a way more unedited version. It's so, it's that thing that you just said of, I'll tailor myself. Yeah. For somebody else's fit. Yeah, it's so true. But it's like, they're still not gonna,

you're still not the right fit for them. You could tailor to the nines you could be a tailored jacket a little tailored jacket yeah you could be a full tuxedo oh for sure but you're just not the right fit now you're on your little singer sewing machine yeah actually i think it was a toyota um and you had to sew it all up you've got your patterns you've done your what's it yeah the initial stitching what's that yeah i don't know anyone that did textiles will know this stuff you've got your patterns, you've done your, what's it called? The initial stitching, what's that called? Anyone that did textiles will know this stuff. You've done your tacking, that's what it's called. You've tacked it. I used to hate that.

You've tacked, now you're going round with the sewing. God, you're too tailored. I'm the stylist, not the designer. God, I was sewing, I was doing the labour. Number two, this is a big dating rule for me as well. I think it's a rule of life. Yeah, follow fun, not fear. That a rule of life yeah follow fun not fear that shall follow fun not fear yeah follow fun not fear guys friends not food fish are friends not food no honestly

that i had this thing in my life where i thought i am literally led by fear like i'm too scared to do what i want because i don't want to rock the boat. And it's like, well, you're going to actually, you may as well die. You may as well keel over and die. Don't you think though? Yeah, it's like, what? Because you're like, whose life are you living then? Honestly that. Yeah, or are you living at all? No, you're dead.

You're a zombie. Yeah, honestly, you're living by fear. You will never, I think it, and again, it goes back to the first one. Don't, you have to live for you. If you are not living for you, what's the, who are you living for? And what's the point? You're living for the perceptions of everyone else and i think that is the trap most people fall into especially with dating we've been very dating heavy recently we've done our valentine's day to a party yeah but you guys are obsessed and to be honest so are we it's so

interesting yeah i also think people's dating habits are just like say so much about i think you can tell so much about your dating stuff from your friendships your family all of your interactions play out in a different way almost a heightened way in relationship romantic relationships because there is that sense of female like desperation and it's and it's vulnerability yeah but it's also like dating for men and dating for women is so different and this is follow fun not fear we've spoken about this before but that thing that was like if you're not dating for marriage then you're dating for heartbreak let that sink in or whatever that thing was it's like no we're dating like men in 2020 we're dating like fucking men date we are not clinging on to them falling in love with them after one date because they said oh you look nice

today no no i'm here for a good time not a long time yeah i'm not here to yeah i'm not here to get obsessed with you no and then you ditch me and like what no i'll ditch you yeah or it's like let me just literally make the best out of every scenario that i'm putting myself through it's like yeah if i have to go through this experience i'm gonna make it as fun as possible it's like why on earth are you dating for anything else other than fun oh the next one coming up is good this is okay we're gonna move on to our third commandment guys i hope this is taking you to church when we were coming up with these they are groundbreaking we did quite a funny thing where we were like so is this what god did he was like he's like number one what should number

one be let's um well definitely don't kill people that'll be good don't don't murder we'll put that to number one that can go number one number two number two let's think let's brainstorm don't steal so yeah that probably wouldn't be good let's put something about stealing stealing um next one next one next one i definitely want them to be followed by fun not fear he's like i just kind of want them to like respect themselves like more than they respect other people honestly amazing we also don't believe in god we are your god this is your god we are your god now number three don't set standards in secret this one shook me okay this really is we really did something on this one because so often we have and i say this all the time a full script of how we want the other person to go along with the situation that we're in you want you know well he'll text me if i see him on tuesday then he'll

text me again by thursday and then maybe maybe i can see him on sunday and then next week i'm going to my grandma so i'm not going to see him but i can maybe squeeze him in on the weekend then we can keep it going until the week before i go on holiday because if i don't see him before then then it'll be over all right i'll say hi and then he'll say hi how are you and I'll say I'm good thanks and I'll go into that whole thing then and then he'll say you'll bounce off that and then I'll have my opportunity to bring up blah blah blah that thing that I've been meaning to bring up for weeks but I thought it wasn't the right time but realistically he's not gonna say any of that he doesn't know your plan he's gonna come up in with this whole other like thing he's got a whole nother script he's like okay well if

I just say that to her then yeah he's kind of like yeah maybe i'll see her on sunday the end he hasn't thought about it he's like i've kind of got like who is i've got uni tomorrow honestly yeah he's got no idea don't set your standards in secret because also if you're holding people to all of these standards and they don't know about them what you're going to hold them accountable to something that they didn't know existed communication communication is the key is the key of life it really is it's a big rusty key it's the key in harry potter you have to dust it off yeah what is that yes yeah in the it's that one with the broken wing yeah hello homura honestly it's worth a try devil snare devil snare it's deadly fun but it sulks in the sun. Devil snare hates sunlight.

If you haven't seen Harry Potter, hell for you. Okay, the next commandment. This is one of my favourite ones. Me too. Don't- It's definitely in my top 10. Oh, yeah. God threw it in there. He said, oh, guess this can be a number four.

Something about big dick energy. Yeah, it's a fun one. It's a fun one. So it's don't confuse big dick energy with just being a dick. Ugh. That's it. Why are we attracted to assholes because it's a power move it's like disinterested yeah it's like um it's confidence you know i'm gonna

make you like me yeah it's a mission oh i will make you like me boy if it's the last thing i do mark my words and it ends up being the last thing you do yeah then you go into a room and you cry for a year yeah it's the last thing you do that's pretty got anywhere why do we like boys that are dicks because it's hot because we saw danny zuko when we were younger who thought that was don't make me laugh who thought it was a good idea to show us danny zuko and tell us that was thing we should change ourselves for some man we should say tell me about it study better shape up the job yeah but trot and troy troy bolton did the same thing yeah but he's sensitive enough but so was danny to sandy's face on that beach no i know but troy is troy's sensitive all the time isn't he he's like wild cats get your head in the game yeah but he's not

he's not mean right danny's like known as a bad person to chad and stuff i think troy is like dismissive of gabriella is he though do we see that or do you just be rejecting that yeah because i haven't seen the film in well do you remember high school musical 2 when they're you know they're working it out worst one by the way no it's my favorite one it's the worst one and i think that is not fact that's not script it's not it's not canon everyone thinks that it's the best one it is the best but i think it's the worst because it's a whole ugly environment like of golf course no that's bad that was the extras that's not

no no you can't bring that in that doesn't count a princess tiki I hate it yeah and the

oh I hate it that doesn't count that's not one of the no but there's a golf course and it's ugly and they're all by a pool and it's like

go back to school high school musical not high golf course it's the summer not high golf course golf course not high golf course unicorn we've had a meeting today so golf course unicorn we've had a meeting today guys so we're really delirious i'm out of there meeting after meeting but so we yeah no troy definitely is he though but troy doesn't have the reputation of a mean guy does he that's what i'm trying to understand well do you remember in

high school musical 2 he's kind of getting obsessed about his scholarship and all of this stuff and he's like not working out with like the team with the wildcat yeah but as in just just on a character just for the story not for us but for the story sharpay and ryan are mean right or sharpay is mean yeah but i think troy gets swayed by sharpay right by the money but he it doesn't he doesn't want to see he's not the right yeah he almost doesn't show up to the musical i get that he's like um outwardly still a jock yeah but i he's not mean is that part of his he's not playing a mean he's not a mean character his head's in the game but his heart's in the song.

His heart's in the song, guys. He goes, should I go for it? I'm finishing this, yikes. I messaged Erin the other day. I actually sent her a voice note out of the blue. Best voice note I've ever received in my life. And I said, I've just realised my favourite bit in High School Musical is when Troy, he's holding a basketball and he throws it over his shoulder

and he goes, wait a a minute not the time and place wait a minute get ahead in the game no context and you kind of went wait a minute wait a minute because he goes and then you laugh and it just fades out into nothing and I stopped the voice and I was literally laughing to myself thinking great great content wait a minute not the time yeah yeah because he kind of is a bit preface oh wait a minute not the time Wait a minute, another time. Yeah, yeah. It's because he kind of is a bit prefaced. Oh, wait a minute, another time. Wait a minute. Shakes his head.

Wait a minute. It's my favourite. I'm actually not quite controversial high school musical taste. Song taste. My favourite songs are Get Your Head in the Game and Hit It Out of the Park.

I don't dance. Oh, well, that is controversial. Ugh, makes me sick. It actually, like, it almost puts me in a bad mood what as in like you're really gross i like it's chad's got his hair in a little low pony i'm into that as a whole thing they're like everybody's free i love that hidden at the park. I hate it. I hate that. What's your favourite high school...

This is now... The episode is on High School Musical. My favourite High School Musical song? Yeah. Did you ever listen to... It was like a bonus track. It actually wasn't in the films. And it was...

I can't take my eyes off of you. And it was in the first one. This is so boring. No. It's actually very stunning. Your favourite song in in high school is something that isn't in but i think maybe all in this together oh it's cute no that's it it's the moral of the story even and yours is hey batter batter hey batter batter swang i got to just do

my fang yeah awful yeah and wait a minute another time but yeah i got young with you on that yeah i like the beginning was like yeah yeah it's good it's good it's like kind of acapella yeah yeah yeah it's stunning yeah i love it we're doing number five now so you can go sex and intimacy are not currency take a breath everybody breathe that in for a second let that sink in and intimacy are not currency you don't have to use affection as a transaction sex is not a transaction guys as in should we explain that well to me immediately i think of kind of what we touched on earlier of okay well if i can have sex with him tonight and i can guarantee that i'll see him on sunday or like oh fuck this is like the fourth

time we still haven't had it was the right it didn't happen last time now it has to otherwise it's weird and you might be thinking thinking that's like all the pressure i don't do this oh i don't use sex as a transactional currency or whatever but it's like if you make someone wait three dates and then you have sex with it's like think of what you're selling think of what you are selling here yeah have you ever been in a sexual situation where you have gained more than them the answer is no yeah there is no chances are chances are if you're listening to this have you ever had a sexual encounter that was better for you than it was for them we're not talking about yeah and they made me come no they definitely came okay yeah like no questions yeah

like and also was their ego involved exactly Exactly. It's a huge thing. Why did they want to do that? For their ego? For you. Thanks. What did you, did you gain more? Because sex is very much structured in patriarchal society as, like, it takes something away from the woman and it gives something to the man.

It's something to be taken, i.e. lose your virginity. Yeah, lie back and think of England. Yeah, it's like, oh, yeah, I fucked her. It's like, oh, yeah, well, you took a bit of, like, dignity from her oh yeah i fucked her it's like oh yeah well you took a bit of like dignity from her and now you've got it yeah you took the prize yeah have you ever been in a sexual situation where you have gained more than the man the answer is most likely no if not that should be enough to shake up your yeah perception of sex and relationships yeah it's almost if i thinking about in in our last year of uni we lived together in a house full

of girls if i knew that one of you had had a guy back and then the morning after we spoke about it and you said yeah the sex was amazing blah blah blah i would be shocked i am shocked that never happened yeah house of five girls yeah and it never happened by the way house yeah not once no come down and go i actually just think the he was just there for me. It was great. I actually just feel like I gained so much from that. Yeah. And I think that says everything. That how shocked I would be to hear that a woman could have.

It would be more the case that someone would come down, be like, I'm in love with him. And they never text her back. And this is a house of hot, intelligent, hilarious girls. Five of us. Some of the best five girls you've ever met. Yeah. Case closed. If I do say so myself, which I do.

Point proven. Number six, guys. This is a good one. This is good. Oh, I love this one. You don't like them because they're hot. They're hot because you like them. Here we go again.

Oh, my God. I hope this has made you change your mind on that guy that you're texting at the moment yeah like i i hope you're thinking you're laughing listening to this thinking yeah you're right he is gross i always think it's funny about this one because it's like people people do this with like funniness people are like oh my god he's just so funny and it's like no no you don't like him because he's funny he's funny because you like him yeah when you like someone we've said this before how can you see clearly when you're blinded by the sun quote when you like it's not one of the ten commandments but when you like someone you

are you just project everything that you love about the world onto them it's actually often minimal about them as a person yeah and everything about what you yeah your fantasy your perception yeah your what you believe you're lacking it's all perception because interesting look back on your past um like romantic relationships or past any relationship on people that you're not so keen on anymore think of how clearly you see them now think of how rationally you are able to view them with distance and time when you're hooked and you're sucked into somebody and you're just completely enamored by them, God, you see things that really aren't there.

It's all a mirage. It really is. It's all a mirage and it can very easily shatter. Mix and match two items of your choice for only $4. Breakfast wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small seasoned potatoes or small hot coffee. Choose two for $4 at Wendy's. Available for a limited time at participating Wendy's in Canada. Taxes extra. Well, by hearing something like that,

you don't like them because they're hot. They're hot because you like them. You like them. That shatters to me. That's like, oh, wait, I wait i thought well we've said this before i was dating a guy and i viewed him i remember saying can i say can i say something yeah that when you had sex with him you pretended he was john snow for a second not something i'm willing to share my mum could listen to that's all right listen you come to the podcast

can that stay in because yeah look you come to my podcast. I'm really sorry if you know me. I'm really sorry if this guy isn't listening. Imagine. That was brutal. Yeah, when I had sex with him, I did say in the morning to Aaron, I said. In confidence. There was a moment when I did just pretend, oh, he's Jon Snow, whatever. And I later said, you thought he was Jon Snow. He was actually a Robin Arryn. If you've never seen Game of Thrones, just quickly Google Jon Snow and take a look at that. And then Robin Arryn, Game of Thrones. And just let that sink in. Yeah, there's like,

they've got kind of similar hair. Like there's like, there's kind of a vague similarity, but it's a bit gutting when you think you're dating a Jon Snow, you're king of the North. You think you're dating the protagonist, but really it was an extra from season three. Not only that, Robin Araron is like it's blank i

mean he's breastfeeding at like age 12 just in case you just the series in a nutshell yeah it's not great he is a weird guy he's kind of quite like but uncle peter yeah he's also that actor is in the set is in season two of sex education oh yeah and he's kind of like this maths mathlete guy wearing like a bow tie nothing against the actor no no but it's just the whole context something not nothing against the actor but when you think you're dating john snow and then you have the realization of oh god it was robin aaron i mean it hits you like a ton of bricks absolute shudders and that is the epitome of you don't like them because they're hot they're hot because you like them i managed in my head to

convince to turn a robin aaron into a john snow nothing changed other than my perception i just put on tim oh you're a john snow groundbreaking he was a robin aaron the whole time the whole time no honestly that your romantic interest has been the same person this whole time and they will continue to be the same person this whole time it's only your perception of them that will change the more you flatter them the more intensely you will like them and the less often they're going to text you it's so true it's nuts we went to a talk by the slumflower and it was amazing yeah and she if you don't follow the slumflower you absolutely have to and we saw the sunflower and she was

talking about texting and she has this amazing thing called the dating app chronicles and she very much is pro being quite rude to be honest being quite like dismissive of boys that like approach you on dating apps well it's like proof to me that you're worth my time but like yeah exactly because she'll do things where they'll message her saying hey do you want to go grab a drink and she'll say i don't grab drinks but you can take me on a date here is a list of three places in london that i like yeah which when you first hear that you think and you're used to kind of dating validating and dating etiquette which we unpack in the book yeah you think oh fuck like that is rude i can't do that no way in hell is she gonna get away with that yeah but lo

and behold oh before she knows it she's at sky garden being literally that for a day yeah like that is that is so different to boys making the minimum effort should we go grab a drink should we hang out i can fit you in here it's like no no i won't hang out with you you can take me yeah like you can have the honor yeah being in my company i no no i won't hang out with you you can take me yeah like you can have the honor yeah being in my company i think like i don't actually abide by that in my own dating here we are back again at respect yourself more than you respect them yeah you've never met this person and yet here you are willing to do absolutely anything just to get a little bit of something from them because they picked you they've said oh hey do you want to go grab a

drink and you're like yeah he asked me for a drink and it's like why are you so flattered look do you want to go for a drink with him look at his profile he's a robin aaron i remember saying before my friend was so nervous for a first date which i get like emotions are a whole thing anyway like you can be nervous for anything yeah but i remember saying like you need to be impressed by them as much as yeah why are you going into this trying to win them over trying to show your best self trying to impress somebody you're interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you well that's the energy i always have in job interviews because i really just believe that i'm um pretty intelligent person yeah and like that any job would be lucky to have me genuinely i know that sounds ridiculous that

is genuinely my like belief i completely agree with you like genuinely you can't shake well i think we've got to a point now where oh both of us we have boundaries yeah but in a job interview i very much i'm thinking do i want to work here like let me interview you a little bit but for some reason on a date it shifts and you're like did i look ugly then it's like no no i fucked it when i said that weird thing yeah but it's like no no he he's a robin aaron guy he's a fucking loser yeah but that is hilarious so don't fall for robin aarons don't convince yourself that your robin aaron is a john snow he's not even a rob stark oh my love okay commandment number seven lucky seven you will not find sex guys you will not find sex from validating you actually will find no that's the only thing you'll find you'll find sex but as we say will you be getting more

than him yeah no you'll find sex and not my child you'll be pretending it's john snow before you know it okay number seven you won't find success in the future if you're not even honest with your present whoa so stop projecting and focus on your right now it literally is the thing of not every person who comes into contact with you has to be a big opportunity to lead you into something really spectacular just like have that have the confidence have some kind of respect for yourself that you think that maybe you could sort your life out maybe this can come out come from you yeah it doesn't need to come in with some sweeping guy like and like that whole thing of like and he's my knight in yeah shining armor

it's like what i always thought that was ridiculous. But what the hell is that? As I thought, like, you need someone to save you. Yeah. Or even just, like, you need something serious. You need to focus on the outcome. You need to get married. Like, you're counting down the years.

You're thinking, okay, well, you know, I'm 24 now. By the time I meet someone, I need, like, three years before we get engaged. And then kind of a year of engagement. And then we'll get married. God, and then by the time I thought, I need to kids oh my god fucking running out of time yeah and it's like just to give it a fucking rest jesus yeah like take a bit honestly jesus god was like 10th commandment give it a rest he's like yeah honestly and on yeah god's like right hey we need a number eight we need number eight eight eight eight there's one that's like um do not covet any

images of like me and he's like let's like, do not covet any images of me. And he's like, let's do one. I just kind of want one about me. Is that all right? Can I just make one of these about me? He's like- I get my name on this, right? Yeah.

He's like, what do you mean just 10 come on? You don't mean 10, God's 10 come on. He's like, wait, but how will anyone know I wrote them? He's like, you're gonna credit me on this, right? He's like, right, put them on the slabs. Moses will find them this right he's like right put them on the slabs moses will find them years to come just throw them on the slabs do not paraphrase yeah like these can't go wrong no one will take these out of context not a single person no one will ever argue about these yeah man will not lie with man it will be fine no one will get it wrong

it'll be fine no one can get offended there is purely nothing offensive in these no one will use this and you just come to be homophobic. It's all fine. Everyone knows it's a product of its time. Honestly, like, hilarious. It turned into a nightmare, God. It's like, God, what were you thinking? It turned into a fucking nightmare. Look at what you've done. I think ours are a lot more simple.

I mean, this is the new religion, surely. Oh, it's my religion. If it's not yours. I'm living by this. You can choose God or us pick one no take backs no swaps pick now choose now who who okay number eight i love this one don't give up what you can't afford to lose why are we so clever like i when i honestly i wrote that i felt that i read that i felt like i felt that yeah because i'm so i have been so willing to negotiate and compromise on things that ultimately i'm gonna

regret it doesn't make me feel good like you might be willing at the start to let all of these red flags fly and then come six months in you think fuck i actually should have mentioned that because now i'm hating my life i need to get out of this yeah or now i can't bring it up literally that you lock your you honestly are signing yourself into contracts that you know you're going to break but you'd rather just go with the flow anyway you'd rather just go there he likes me like he he said he wants to like go go for a drink like that's good though i should go right yeah like you'd honestly you'd rather go through the motions of something you already hate than to just sack it off and start again yeah with honesty yeah with communication yeah yeah

it is it's crazy the things we do for love the things we do for a fucking drink the things we do for a drink with a guy are you mad are we mad are you honestly are you mad he said he wants to go for a drink though what like huh he said like do you want to come around mine after so i thought i may as well i may as well just see you know i may as well like oh like he may as well what may as well what tell me what you got from that but like he he's like quite cute though like oh like he did say this one thing where he said like oh or it's like my God, we've got so much in common. Like he likes this really little obscure thing.

I was like, no, everyone likes that thing. Like so many times I've seen people do things but they're like, oh my God, my friend the other day, I hope she won't mind me saying this, but she's seeing this guy and she was like to me, oh my God, we went back to his house and we like ate a bag of crisps. Like he loves crisps like me.

And it's like, everyone likes crisps. Everyone of crisps. Like he loves crisps like me. And it's like everyone likes crisps. Everyone likes crisps. That is not a selling point of a person that you ate a bag of crisps with him. Fuck, and you thought it was bonding. You thought that was, oh my God. We're soulmates. Yeah, we're soulmates.

It made me die because it's just like, yeah, okay, the bar is very low. The bar is on the floor. We both like crisps. The bar is in hell. Yeah, it's just like, yeah, okay, the bar is very low. The bar is on the floor. We both like crisps. The bar is in hell. Yeah, it's in hell. And we're coming to you from the heavens with the Ten Commandments. It's a subterranean bar, okay?

So we're moving that sky high. Okay, with number nine. Oh, I love this. Go on. All of them. I love this. I love this. I love this.

I love this song. I love this song. I'm glad you know that meme now. I don't. Erin just sent me a picture of a meme. A don't erin sent me a picture of a meme it's not a picture of the meme it that is the meme itself i didn't even send a picture of a picture of a picture of a meme i sent you a meme okay erin sent me a meme it was actually a gif of a meme the gif can be a meme she sent me a gif meme oh my god she sent me a game no we're not doing that

oh dear so in the game the gif meme she's it said it was a picture of michael jackson it's michael jackson i mentioned it in the other podcast it's michael jackson saying i love this song but he says it not quite like that. Your impression of it suggests that he was like looking up there. I love this song. But he's quite like to himself, like I love this song. Yeah.

It was way funnier than I thought. He's quite like, I love this song. He felt that. Yeah. Honestly, he's like, oh God, I love this song, guys.

I love this song. He doesn't know what to do with himself. He's like, he cannot believe it's playing. He can't play. He's like, but I love this song. guys. I love this. He doesn't know what to do with himself. He's like, he cannot believe it's playing. He can't cope. He's like, but I love this song. And it's like, Billie Jean is not. He's like, I love this song. Oh, fuck.

Who wrote this? Well, I love this song. Text messages weren't designed to be analysed. Oh, it's so good. This really is church. So don't analyse something that took them two seconds to write you're gonna spend two hours reading something that they wrote in two seconds you're gonna go but he said like see you soon like does he mean see you later like that's from angus thongs

see you later what does that mean honestly though what does that mean meanwhile you've got a deadline yeah meanwhile robbie's holding hands with um slutty george or whatever name is his name slutty lindsay slaggy lindsay honestly because we haven't we all wasted time staring at fucking tech the conversations we've had i said to my friend the other day like she was going through her old text and i was like why don't you just delete these like what these aren't doing you any favor she's like no i'd just like to remind myself like what is bad for me and it's like no no spare me yeah no you don't you like to read through because you like to read through memories and it just confirms the thing of like they were perfect it keeps the fantasy alive and it's just keeping one little claw on them and it's a dangerous game because it's a lesson I like to

remind myself of what not to do it's like get real it's like no you like to read them and we've all been there it took me a minute to delete chats I've i've so been this fucking it's a lot it took me about a month to delete that's quite a short amount of time really i i basically had this one hook i had this guy on one social media long after we had like ended things and it took me a while to like completely cut that i can't check i don't i hadn't checked it in about a month and i was like fuck this actually needs to go because the idea that i could go back to it is too much that's enough i'm keeping a claw on yeah i'm keeping like oh but he might message me he might try and contact me oh but i kind of want to see if he's posted a picture it's like no no it needs to go

you know what it is leaving the door slightly ajar yeah you're just letting in the breeze but you're also just keeping yourself slightly held on to them a bit and it's like yeah so no that needs to go just slam that door shut and lock it tight block the number they can't contact you what you're gonna have this fantasy where they just message you one night saying everything's changed everything's changed no that's not you're good enough for me now yeah is that it wasn't good enough for you at the time so now you will never be good you didn't you didn't see what the reality was yeah at the time so now you don't get the access no so shut that door in their face lock it aloha mora goodbye yeah because i'll lock it and then do aloha mora it opens again and goodbye but it is ultimately that thing of because now i respect myself more than i respect you because i know me i've lived

with me for how many years now yeah so and i've just met you yeah you're nothing to me and here you are backing yourself and what i'm backing you too we're all team you and nobody's team me wildcats get in the game yeah it's crazy it's what he's on his team what and you're on his team as well get a grip come on a grit that's bad don't go through text when you find yourself going over text even when he's just sent you that thing also i'm so sorry this is so heteronormative like the whole thing yeah we do a disclaimer in the start at the start of the book but that's the perspective we can talk can talk from and also we fucking know the fucking patriarchy sets us up

for fucking shit so we talk from a heteronormative perspective because because we that's where the oppression is sorry yeah we set men up to be fuck boys yeah and we fuck them yeah there's a whole section in the book that's called fuck boys versus fucking genius and i mean you should read it a bit of fun it's a bit of fun it's a bit of um insight we'll leave that to we talk about dating apps 101 dating etiquette breaking breaking dating etiquette oh god so necessary smash it on the floor well i think all of these commandments challenge the way that we view what is normal in relationships or even worse the beginnings of relationships when everything's a bit butterflyy and you don't know what you can get away with and also you don't really know what

you think yet because you're so swept this is the problem with the butterflies when you're swept up in the excitement of oh my god there's somebody new you're not really know what you think yet because you're so swept. This is the problem with the butterflies. When you're swept up in the excitement of, oh my God, there's somebody new, you're not interrogating them. You're not saying, are you good enough? Do I want this? What are their intentions? What's my plan here?

How am I also going to be vulnerable? Go with the flow, but also have strategy. Come on, we need to be thinking of this. The butterflies, they're great, but they're a distraction. And you have them as fun. Squash those butterflies. Get them back in the coco cocoon we're doing a backwards metamorphosis i think enjoy the butterflies i think the butterflies are part of the fun just don't lose yourself yeah in butterflies in butterflies you are the butterfly you have come out of the cocoon and he's just like a little moth situation

yeah yeah so this is our last moment this is our last one number 10 oh god you can do this one so good outsourcing validation from external forces is not sustainable and that is can i get an amen that is the epitome of validating honestly it's not sustainable you cannot go on it will fucking get you in your fucking 50s at some point you marry someone that you met through validation it will fucking get you it will get you okay so we can't we have to cut this now and you still won't feel validated no you still won't feel secure because it's all fickle it's all superficial it's all vapid it has to come from you it it literally has to it's the only way i wish i

could tell you there was a little backdoor that you could sneak through and get the confidence get the security get the happiness but it's not you have to work for it and earn it for yourself no one hands it to you on a plate you have to earn it you have to work for it this is the thing we've said this before and it's like okay the answer to all of these life problems is work yeah and it's not attractive it's not pretty it's not oh well It's not pretty. It's not, oh, well like, if I just do a face mask and like lose some weight and like change my diet, then I'll be fine. If you're actually looking to change your life

and better yourself, you need to be willing to put in the work. No one else is going to do that for you. Are you willing to put the work in? Yeah, I've put in loads of work in my life. What about you? Oh, every day I'm working. Every day, every day i'm working every day

grinding honestly but i do think and i think having something like higher pre-stats i mean the fact that we can write something like validating i'm just talking directly to you now yeah and everyone else is just listening eavesdropping on the podcast but i think we when we came up with validating all that time ago yeah changed our lives right yeah totally because i just think the self-awareness changes everything if you can be aware of who you are letting in or the experiences that you've had already that made you feel x way that is only when you've had feedback that you can move on do you know i mean like you have to have those experiences to get new ones it is like a bit mad yeah it's insane i fucking love validating so many people

i've spoken to so many people about validating and like introduced it to them and they're like oh my god like i really i think it hits hard because it's a clever little pun but also it's like oh fuck that is actually like a very dangerous game yeah i'm confusing something which should be fun and should lift me up with something that i need like i need that like i'm rock bottom it shouldn't lift you up in a way that's like from the ground to the middle it should be like an elevating thing in your life an experience it should not be a necessity literally and this is the problem with framing like marriage as the goal equating marriage with happiness and all of these these things or like a boyfriend with happiness or any of these fucking attention meaningless

like yeah well attention is it's difficult because it's like yes i understand a desire for attention obviously it must not come from a place of like desperation well you can't respect them more than you respect yourself back to number one yeah we can start from the top do you want to hear them again from the top do not respect yourself honestly from the top hit it yeah so you can if you want like a neat stunning version of these 10 commandments and then a whole yeah we're much more eloquent and articulate in the book and it really is i think a powerful resource yeah it's something to hold on to i think and keep like in your mind every time you start thinking

wait fuck this guy like does he like me i think it's something i'm gonna go back to this oh 100 i'm so gonna go back this the second i start thinking like oh like me i think it's something i'm gonna go back to this oh 100 i'm so gonna go back this the second i start thinking like oh like should i reply like that it's like no no look just be who you are yeah which sounds so cliche that it almost doesn't mean anything but fundamentally it's so it it's almost be who you are but don't be fucking dumb like yeah because you're not dumb it's smart go internet people are kind of dumb here's the problem here's the problem be who you are but have strategy don't be who you are like because i think if you say be who you are it's kind of like who i am i'm just someone that like loves like this

stuff like i love like when guys text me like i'm just being so vulnerable i think it's easy to convince yourself that you're being vulnerable in a relationship when you're being fucking dumb completely agree that is so thing like oh well i want to just reply straight away because i just want to be authentic and i just don't want to play games it's like no it's not playing a game it's strategy i was gonna say if he is taking two weeks to reply and you're replying straight away because you're not playing a game you're not playing game but you're still you still don't have the balls to say to him don't take two weeks to reply to me otherwise i'm not going to reply to you then it's you're it's fruitless you're lost you're lost yeah you

are truly lost it's like you think that you're getting away with not playing the game by replying straight away but you're actually not having taken for a fucking ride you're it's fruitless you're lost you're lost yeah you are truly lost it's like you think that you're getting away with not playing the game by replying straight away but you're actually not having taken for a fucking ride you're not having the biggest communication at all you're on stealth you're literally gonna be going up so down you're on stealth but it rolls back you're you're in a game okay you're in sore it's all maze yeah you can't do this no i agree because also it's like he's come with strategy he knows what he's doing why are you not coming with strategy you're going oh i'm just gonna go with it this time like i'm just gonna be vulnerable this time i'm just gonna share with him that like my insecurities no meanwhile you're not being honest about the fact that you don't even like this person literally he's robin aaron

you didn't even see it you're going oh like i'm just honestly shudders i'm just being vulnerable he's john snow like i'm just being vulnerable he's john snow no you weren't you were dating a robin aaron oops so i hope these commandments can help you your guide to not choosing a Robin Arryn yeah validating is a dangerous game and I think we find ourselves in it all the time even not in romantic relationships and I think that that last um commandment is so true of if you're outsourcing your validation you're never going to be validated also I mean it doesn't even stop at dating there's like valid jobbing do you know what i mean like people that have a job for the validation and attach their identity to like a career path everything that's a fucking dangerous game you can be

fucking dropped from a relationship you can be dropped from a job yeah anything that's external a friendship valor friend whatever don't work anything they don't work as puns no valid jobbing but it's like anythingbing valid dieting anything it's like if you're doing anything for your validation that can be taken from you you're fucked yeah

only you can really we need to be valid learning alright I think that's enough we're valid learning guys we're valid talking we're valid communicating

no literally that yeah we're turning to us we're not turning to others yeah I hope that summarises things I really hope so this has been an interesting one one definitely 10 priestess commandments definitely

and keep we tried to answer the majority of your questions i think the commandments kind of summarize our thoughts on validating and what are the most important i think like routes to get out of it but obviously keep sending your questions and we can revisit this topic and everything else within dating because we love to talk about it and the book the full book which is a very very very good price i'm not even gonna say a very very very good read a very good price i'm a capricorn guys the capricorn in me wants those numbers yeah discussed when we've actually done this for a really good price like we have had so many messages saying like this is like this has changed your life and i have to agree no i really do i have to agree so i really just think this is your comprehensive guide to romance dating and how to leave him

behind so go and get it it's in the link in our instagram bio check it out go check it out guys it changed our lives writing it yeah fully i think about it all day every day too far i have no space left in my brain okay well thank you guys so so much for listening we really hope you found this interesting send us all of the messages all of your thoughts we love to hear

we talk about this all the time that doing a podcast is so like we're in this conversation now and you're listening to it whenever you may be listening to it but we want to know your thoughts on the conversation in a bathroom in the bath

like pop up and let us know you're like in the bath. You're a bit shook if I said in the bath then. You're like, there's a camera. Shit, they can see me in the bath. There's a camera. Fuck. I would be shitting myself.

If you're in the bath now, trust me, we don't have a camera. Or do we? Or do we? It's like quite terrifying. I'd be scared now. I'm like covering up. I'm getting out of the bath. Or doing it fully, yeah.

Yeah, I'm like out of the bath. I'm sorry that we just ruined your bath if you're in the bath. But I hope you enjoyed it. Let us know what you think. As always, give us a review, a rating on Apple, follow us on Spotify, etc. Right. We'll see you in the next one then, guys. See you soon. See ya. What does it mean, see you soon? Wendy's has a new breakfast deal. Mix and match two items of your choice for only We'll see you next time.