Goes Without Saying - You should have been meaner

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

EP004 - Are you ready to stand up for yourself? This week I processed the last summer of my 20s, unpacked some childhood behavioural patterns, and got attacked by the tarot readers on my algorithm. @makesyouspiralWatch on ⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠. Follow on ⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠.

you know, in pretending that somebody hasn't hurt me and just swallowing something that they've done to me is sort of under the guise of keeping them happy. But is it about keeping them happy? Or is it about keeping myself comfortable and not having to acknowledge and go through how confrontational and difficult it is, the discomfort of being honest about how you feel and letting someone know that they have hurt your feelings? You can't force someone to understand you. And also, why should you? We have a podcast going, do we not? Let me set the scene. Big rain yesterday.

This week, autumn's here. She really is. Wow, I missed the dark. I missed. You know what I missed? Being able to walk my dog at like 7pm in the evening when I look. Honestly, like I've contracted the bubonic plague and someone has wore me up in the microwave and then sent me out onto the street with my fucking.

Chihuahua. I actually think people who live on the street, they must think I've got like a sister or something or just like, honestly, ugly step sister. I either go out looking like a normal person, functioning, walking down the street like normal, hi, smiling, woohoo, like being really, Bruce Almighty, her waving everyone, being really nice. Or genuinely like I am patient zero and I'm about to get us all locked down. So I love when it's like seven o'clock at in the evening and I can walk the dog without being disturbed. So last night I was walking the dog and this woman who has a really, really cute dog down the road. I like smiled at her and she didn't really smile back and then we bumped into each other and she said, oh sorry I don't recognize you because I didn't have my

glasses on. And I thought, nice try lady. It's because I look busted and that is okay. Then I got a Headache, bad headache this week. I was actually really nervous that we were going to have a bit of an assume-the-weir-situation and I wouldn't be able to record an episode this week. But I'm fine. Look at me, miraculous recovery from that bubonic plague that I contracted. I'm fine. Guys, I slept again bad last night.

I slept again bad last night, Yoda. I slept badly again last night, which is like not surprising. It's fine. Basically, I have this magnesium spray. and it's on the side. So when I was going to bed, I was looking at it and I was like, any minute now I'm going to put that magnesium spray on, because I know I'm going to need it tonight and it's going to help you sleep. And I was looking at it and I was like, I'm just going to pick it up any second now. Then I fell asleep. I guess what happened? A mere few hours later, I was wide awake

and I couldn't get back to sleep. And you know what I was thinking? I was thinking I need to do the podcast tomorrow. I need to get myself psyched back down so I can go to sleep and wake up like a normal functioning human and have a conversation with you. Am I seeming like am I having a normal conversation? My TikTok's actually like gaslighting is the wrong word. But my algorithm is, it's actually poking me a little bit. And it thinks I'm silly, but I know it's happening. I'm not stupid, I'm not silly.

I know what's going on. Basically, the tarot readers have come for me on TikTok once again. I'm swiping, I'm swiping, I'm enjoying my, ha, ha, ha, rolling on the floor laughing. I'm enjoying myself. God, I'm learning something. something. Wow. Ooh, yummy. That looks delicious. Recipe. Wow. Enjoying my TikTok feed. Then what happens? The tarot reader arrives. The tarot readers arrive and they have something to say.

It seems like to me specifically. But then I look in the comments and I think, God, that's interesting that this very specific reading is coming to all of us. We do. We need a little bit of absurdity to get us by. The tarot readers are coming from me. Some old, some new. But what a phenomenon. Sorry, just quickly. you know Haley Williams put in her song about Alex. So Alex reads tarot. Alex doesn't reads tarot no-mo. No, no more. She quit.

I didn't watch the whole thing, so I'm sorry. And this is actually, like, from months ago, I think this happened, like, way earlier in the year. Basically, tarot reader on TikTok called Alex reads tarot, or Alex does tarot, I think. She's popping up with reading. She's saying, hey, this is for you or whatever. And she does the reading, and she's like,

you're having a terrible time. or she says, oh my God, things are really looking up for you. Does that sound like you? Great. Anyway, she's doing this reading and doing these readings. Haley Williams comes out with an album. But when was that? Was that last year? And she says, Alex Does Tarot is reading me on TikTok or whatever the line is. Haley Williams is referencing TikTok Tarot readers in her album.

Wow. What a time for pop culture. And then alack, Alex Does Tarot doesn't do tarot no more. She doesn't do tarot anymore. So getting the taroters on my TikTok and they know me now because I maybe lingered a little too long on a few of them about a specific situation that I just thought that was giving me in like a nice bit of validation of like, yeah, like, I am right or like, yeah, no, so true. And then moved on recipe, recipe, funny video, funny video, learning something, learning something. Another tarot reader turns out saying a similar, singing a similar, singing a similar. a tune, some may say. I thought, okay, that's what I'm probably just putting out this energy.

I'm joking. I thought, okay, this message must be coming in strong for me. And I'm all ears, universe, I hear you. Swipe, swipe, swipe, site, again. Now, my algorithm thinks that I am silly. It's not just feeding me any tarot now. It's feeding me specifically tarot about a certain situation. And I'm a fucking fool because I watch every single time until they say something where they're like, And they say something a bit mean, I'm like, that can't be about me. Swipe away. They're like, only take what resonates. Like, just that didn't resonate then. Bye, that one wasn't for me.

Not claiming, nothing to do with me. Anyway, so I had a headache and I've been on TikTok. What about you? We're here for another episode. I'm quite liking this. Okay, so the nerve damage of it all. I had some nerve damage, which I feel like I've been scraping into every episode somehow. It's like I just scrape the top off of it and I'm just sprinkling it in, like,

insulting a garnish of nerve damage onto each episode. I haven't gotten into it properly, but basically had an operation, and I got a really rare complication from it. But basically, they but basically, they've butchered me. No, they didn't. It's not their fault, but also, fuck you. They did kind of butcher me.

Maybe, I don't know. Basically, they were hacking away in my face, and I kind of think, maybe if you'd have been more gentle, it wouldn't have given me nerve damage, which is maybe not true, I don't know. But anyway, very rare complication. 0.2%.

I am a phenomener. on, I'm a miracle. I'm a once in a lifetime kind of girl. In all the wrong ways, it seems. So, got this really bad nerve damage. It kind of had me total wipeout for, like, all of summer. And for some reason, I'm not bothered by that. Like, I'm also, I'm about to turn 30.

Again, been breadcrumbing that in the episode. In a couple of weeks, I'll be 30. So this is my last summer of my twenties. Guys, no part of me is like, me, that was my last summer of my... Like, I just cannot tell you how much I don't care. It was extremely... but now that I'm sitting here with my face at like 80% back to normal,

I almost think the extremity of that situation, which I will have to talk about at some point, because it's just annoying for me to feel like I haven't given you the full story. And also I do think there's some interesting little nuggets in there for us. They were like, this is probably going to be two years or never get better. And thank fucking God it has gotten better now after like a couple of months. I think I just wanted that to be the, case so badly that now like something like my last summer of my 20s quote unquote and just cannot tell

you how meaningless that sounds to me just like what why would I even care i have my health i have my face and like i know that sounds really silly or just a bit like trite but it's true i think i just feel an immense relief when things aren't as bad as they could be also have that thing where i'm kind of always expecting the worst, we're always assuming the worst. So when things go a little bit wrong, I'm just grateful that they haven't gone as wrong as they could have. Does that make sense? Like, I'm always comparing it to, in my mind, I'm playing out the worst case scenario. And this is pretty bad, but it isn't the worst case scenario just yet. And thank God for that. So no, don't we have so much to be grateful for? Where I'm at, like I say, I've basically done my 20s now,

learned many things. And this is something I've thought about for a really long time, which is basically I actually also will just quickly say I definitely have regrets. I'm not someone, I feel like this is mostly just semantics, but I'm not someone who's like, no regrets, no regrets, no regret anything, everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I think things happened the way that they happened,

but there are things that I would change. I regret not being a bitch. So, this is something I've thought about for a long, long old time. Again, like, I'm actually, I'm not going to dig my parents out here because they take enough heat from me. And they're probably not listening,

but you know my mum's probably not listening but my dad might be listening everyone so I feel like don't do that if you're here you can leave dad okay because god knows what I'm going to say next and then you can't hold it against me because this is my space and I'm only 29 so I definitely had the experience of as a kid thinking that I felt that it was my responsibility to manage everyone's feelings and relationships and make sure that everyone was okay, basically. And that there would be trouble coming up between people, whatever, not knowing any names, mum and dad, mom and dad. But that was, it was my job to keep everyone safe and happy. Bear in mind, I'm like seven years old, but whatever, leave it to me. Leave it to

me. No worries. Do not worry and definitely don't worry about me, okay? I have no needs. I have no issues. I will not make a peep. You will barely know I'm here. The only time you'll know I'm here is when we go to parents evening and they tell you that I'm a pleasure to teach. Basically just learned from a very early age, as many children do, as many little girls do, that you need to shut the fuck up, all right? Just shut up, keep it, is it? No issues, not a peep from you. Okay? You'll be upstairs making no noise pretending you don't exist. Harry got a reference in big 2026. It feels actual, like, blasphemous, especially when you sat here on your own. I can't have you just come in and take that blow for me? Thank you. Thank you so much.

Just sort of pretending that I didn't have needs and also sort of pretending that I'm not a child. I definitely never, ever had moments of talking back and being a teenager like that, like those sorts of thing. That was not my bag. I just was honestly very capital G good. And that is really nice. I'm going to make clear that. So basically, before we get into this, I do think it's important to say, I think the title of this episode is going to be, I should have been meaner, which is true. It's not the first time I've said it. There is obviously a sentiment in there that I'm trying to land, but also like it is a bit of a joke. It is a bit silly. It's a cute title. I'm doing,

I'm having a little bit of fun with you, whatever. And I think that goes out saying, just to say it. I think there's a portion of people that, yeah, they need to be reminded that it's good to live with compassion and think of other people and maybe like don't act out of anger and spite all the time towards others and blah, blah, blah. But if I'm speaking for myself, then I know that other people will relate to me in some capacity. I think there's a portion of people like me that I need to be reminded that censoring myself and disregarding my own needs. and feelings is purely harmful and actually doesn't do many favours. But again, I think genius things that I've seen on TikTok, along with the Tara Readers and the recipes and the funny videos and that, oh my God, I'm seeing so many beautiful girls dancing.

Someone said on a TikTok comment and I actually don't even know what the video was because I just screenshot the comment. And reading between the lines, this is a young woman, okay? And right now it's not clear if that is fact, but like, probably is, no? Like, someone speaking sense on the internet. I'd like to say it was a young woman. I get bitchy with myself when I'm not being bitchy enough with the world.

Right. I get bitchy with myself when I'm not bitchy enough with the world. Goes without saying, I'm just going to verbalise the risks in that sentiment before you start screaming your nut off about how you shouldn't be bitchy and you shouldn't be mean, etc.

Okay, but I'm not talking to bitchy and mean people. Okay? So if you're bitchy and mean enough, that's, you know what, I'm so happy for you. Sepa side. now because this is actually for the like sweet and like innocent babies of the world. I'm joking. You're not a sweet and innocent baby and neither am I. But, hmm, you do have an issue when it comes to sounding up for yourself, E-Tech. I'm setting the precedent of this conversation that we're

about to have that I truly think that especially in 2026 and especially for example, we're having this conversation online, the world is so mean. The world is so brutal and there is a real sort of apathetic, lack of compassion, desensitization to other human beings, experiences. It's actually a really grim place to be. But, and within that, there are groups of people who, instead of being able to express how they feel, and sometimes without even being able to acknowledge to themselves how they feel, they swallow anything hurtful that could have ever been done to them in order to move on. So, for example, people might fuck me over, left and right. It's been done many times. You know what I'm going to do? Greedy guts. I'm going to swallow it, okay? I'm probably not going

to say anything. I might not even allow myself to notice. That's the, that's the really fuck it. That's the bit that makes me think, ah, you're a fucking idiot. You, idiot girl. Joking, it's fine, it's fine. I have so much compassion for myself. I have so much my younger self, I really do. But I lack the things that I let happen. Some silly-billy moments have been had, even recently, anyway. It's the sort of idea that if something bad happens to me, I swallow it. I swallow that resentment.

I swallow that horrible feeling. Instead of presenting it back to them in a nice, normal, reasonable, honest way, I'll swallow it up, push it down and think that it can go away. that ain't going nowhere. It's sitting in here and it's coming out in the language that I use about myself and in the way that I view myself. If I'm constantly living a life where I don't even allow myself to entertain the idea that someone could have fucked me over, I am affirming and reaffirming to myself over and over that my feelings are not important. My value is secondary to anybody around me and I need to put aside any...

need that I might have deny that anything has hurt me so that I can retain that relationship with another person and that is so sad and so I'm not telling you to lose your compassion actually and I'm not necessarily telling you to be mean but I am maybe proposing the idea I'm down on one knee to tell you wouldn't it be nice if we extended that compassion for other people to just maybe just turn it back onto ourselves. Could be helpful. I think when you teach yourself over and over that you are not worth speaking up for,

you inherently start to speak about yourself in your own mind really destructively. The thing that I have had to accept in life is that sometimes people have treated me badly and I set the precedent for that. I didn't necessarily invite it, but I cultivated an environment that made them think

that treating me a certain way would be acceptable and maybe not even noticeable and just the way that that dynamic worked by maybe being a bit careless towards me or exploiting me in some way. And that's out of order of them for sure. But at some point I also need to sit down with myself and think about the ways that I maintained that dynamic because I was prioritising, maintaining that relationship over even acknowledging my own hurt feelings. Oh God, okay, this is a bit of a tough one for me, maybe. No, there are some issues here, okay? And some of them are really recent, so I need to just keep my wits about me.

Anyway, if you are sort of allowing people to treat you in a way that isn't, is less than ideal, I'll put it that way. If you're allowing that to happen with no consequence and maybe, you know, not presenting it to them how you feel and maybe not even acknowledging to yourself, how it's making you feel, it is then not a coincidence that your inner monologue to yourself can be quite harmful or your ways of seeing yourself, the things that you do and don't allow yourself to do. You're engaging in behaviours with other people that are telling you to shrink yourself into nothing. So that, I wouldn't be surprised if that trickles into the other areas of your life where you're not sounding up for yourself in your relationships. You're not putting yourself forward for things at work. You're not engaging with things that you enjoy because you're convinced that you're not going to be good enough, etc. Because you have built up this narrative that you are not worthy for whatever reason.

And for me, there's obviously a lot of compounding things that have created that belief in myself starting from a really, really early age. like I said, feeling like I had to maintain everyone else's feelings and like be perfect to not create a problem for anybody. Oh, there's this New York Times article, an opinion piece that has been floating all over my Instagram, not Instagram, my internet, I've been seeing it everywhere. It was called, tough fuck.

No worry, I'm on it. It was called, called I Know What You Think of Me by Tim Kreider. I'm going to read you a bit. Basically, he's saying, If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. And the whole piece is really short. Exploring how uncomfortable it is to feel observed and perceived in a way that isn't you projecting what you would see as your best self

or being perceived in a way that is totally human. There is a Susan Sontag quote from, I can't remember what one it's from. just her notes, which are honestly, why I've only just recently gotten into her writing is actually devastating and mind-blowing in equal parts. And to be honest, I don't want to be rude, but I am a bit fuming that no one here passed me on to her sooner. Thanks, guys. There's that quote where she says something along the lines of, I suffer from a chronic nausea, mood. Honestly, me two days before my period, which I am, by the way. Why I'm being so bleak enough, it's not personal. I suffer from a chronic nausea or something like that

and she says basically, after I'm with people, the after awareness of how programmed I am, how frightened I am. I think this is a really common, I think it speaks to a really common feeling with a lot of people who, I don't know,

are like pretty analytical or have maybe an over awareness of how they are interacting with others. And like for me, I have a tendency to think about what I could be doing wrong with other people. She says when I'm continuously darting out of myself, I'm getting further from my own perception, something like that, basically. If you wanted a watered down, butchered version of any good thought, so you've come to the right place. Just basically the

awareness of this preoccupation with other people and how you're being perceived by other people. and for me, how I'm feeling like I have to manage myself in order to maintain my relationships with people and maintain their affection towards me, basically. There's also, I know I said in the other episode, I am currently studying psychotherapy and integrative therapy in a lot of, there's just so many different aspects of it that I'm thinking, basically I'm trying to therapy as myself, which I think a lot of therapists are, but this idea in IFS, which is internal family system, is basically talking about the different parts of yourself

and thinking about how a lot of your behaviours are protective. You learn to do things to keep yourself safe and make your life easy, etc. And I was reading this article by a man. A man who does have a name, but Sean Cuthbert. Okay, that's his name. It was saying something interesting about the concept of people pleasing and part of that being over-apologising. And I remember Seffi had this impression of me where she would be like, this is you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, which kind of is me. Because I am sorry, I am sorry. But basically, Sean, Sean Kulberberber's article was a small part that was talking about over-apologising and basically apologising as an attempt to, yeah, have some. control over how you're being perceived in a relationship and manage reducing potential conflict, always looking for self-blame and that if you can own the blame, then you can get yourself out of the trouble and convince people to still like you and convince them not to leave you. And so I think this is sort of, if I'm being honest, this is what somebody say, the cracks.

This is the foundation of where this sort of weeks conversation spiral has come come to me because I have been thinking a bit in my own life about how desperate I can be to have something to apologise for. If I feel like for whatever reason a relationship has gone south, my instinct genuinely is I've done something wrong, I've pissed them off somehow and I need to make it okay. I need to grovel for something. My sort of default setting is feeling like I have something to grovel for. And I don't know if it's just like, I've lived my 20s. I'm just at a point where like, I'm post nerve damage, nothing matters anymore. Or I'm just in a moment of sort of clarity with things. But sometimes it's harder to accept that maybe people are just being weird and it is not

your responsibility to fix it. And sometimes it doesn't matter how much you want to repair a relationship or how willing you might be. If that is a reciprocated that really isn't on you to try and I don't know what convince them to stay or convince them to understand you in some way I have dreams quite a lot of a certain situation where this is a situation that happened to me when I was when it started when I was like a teenager and I had this dream every so often where I met with like people in my life from that time and it's like a family situation, so it'll be like my mom, like my, just my family, whatever. And I'm shouting and I'm, I'm begging and pleading for them to understand my perspective on a situation. And I'm,

I'm essentially begging for them to believe me and, and to feel understood in some way, which is crazy because now I'm 29 and that situation has passed and morphed into new things over the years. And, um, sometimes you have to give yourself the closure, which is gutting. And I'm I hate to say it, but sometimes they are not going to deliver you the information on the way that they perceive the situation, the way that they are perceiving you, the narrative that they have about you, the ideas about what you have or haven't done wrong, any concept of how you might be able to repair it. Sometimes people are not willing to give that to you, and that isn't necessarily your fault. And you might not be in the position to fix it, but you are in the position to validate the way that you feel about it. understand that you probably have done some things wrong, but maybe so have they. And as a human being, you're entitled to be a little bit of a cunt sometimes and make mistakes and still be

worthy of a human, compassionate, understanding conversation with someone that you care about, and also be worthy of, like, love and a nice life. I just want to remind you, like, people are literally out here doing crazy things. People are murdering people. I... I mean, I hope I'm right in saying this. You're not murdering people. You're maybe a bit annoying. Oh, maybe you said something you didn't mean. Is that a punishable by death?

Is that... Sorry, get in the stocks. Is that what you're telling me? You think that's it? You think you're one tiny mistake away from worthlessness. You're just not. You're really not that bad. And I think, for me personally,

my instinct to grovel and to fight to be understood and to fight to be able to apologize and my fight to be able to have all the blame on myself so that I can make it better and explain and make them like me again. Comes from the idea that if this is all my fault, I can make it better. If it's something you have done to me, I'm first of all required to actually acknowledge that my feelings have been hurt by somebody else. And then I am required or expected to be able to deliver that information to them,

which is going to be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable and confronting. And then I'm going to have to deal with the consequences of them potentially not receiving that information very well and just being at the mercy of somebody else being told that they have hurt my feelings and whatever they might do with that information. Which honestly, in this stage, honestly, some people are not very good at accepting that they've done something wrong. or they might think that they are really good at communicating or they really value communication and all this stuff. But when they're actually faced with a difficult conversation where we might have to go back and forth on,

I did some things, you did some things. They are, I don't want to say too afraid, but they maybe just don't have it in them to have that conversation. And it can be really difficult to have honest conversations with someone where you are saying, hey, that really made me feel bad. That is so hard to say and it's also hard to hear.

And some people are just not in the mood to have that conversation with you and you need to just let that be the case. You cannot what, kicking and screaming for them to understand you. If someone's decided, if they are

determined to misunderstand you, if they are decided in their belief about you, you have to take the yell, I'm sorry. there's just nothing you can do. And beyond, then not, you can't force someone to understand you. And also, why should you? And I think I've just been, God, the lessons, I'm just realizing things.

I am processing. And it's not nice. But I definitely have, I have this instinct. My sort of go-to behavior in these situations is a self-censorship and a self-blame in the pursuit of keeping the other person comfortable and happy. But actually, that is false. It's not maintaining the other person's comfort. It is pushing away my own discomfort in what it would take for me to admit that,

you know, in pretending that somebody hasn't hurt me and just swallowing something that they've done to me is sort of under the guise of keeping them happy. But is it about keeping them happy? or is it about keeping myself comfortable in not having to acknowledge and go through how confrontational and difficult it is the discomfort of being honest about how you feel and letting someone know that they have hurt your feelings? In being forthcoming with how someone has hurt you, it's hard to acknowledge to yourself, let alone to the other person. I will also say, I actually, again, going back to the

nerve damage situation, this is relevant. I don't know if I said this, but I have I said this, but I had a thing where I was in the, had to go back to the, I was, this was really horrible. I think I'm, I don't want to say scared, but I think I have a thing with hospitals now, which I never had, never cared about like being in a hospital, which was quite a good way to be because basically after this whole nerve damage situation happened, then when I had to go back into the hospital, it made me feel so sick and like stressed out and just awful and depressed. Now I'm like, I can't be bothered to deal with the hassle of being someone who hates hospitals. Like, it's just not convenient, is it?

It's nice to be able to just pop in and out of a hospital. No worries, no feelings about it. Feeling like you don't like hospitals? Ugh, cannot be bothered with this. Anyway, turn up to the hospital. My surgeon's there. Ah! I want to run away screaming.

I don't. He's saying all these things that I'm so sorry. Your face is so fucked up now. Like boo-hoo-hoo. Just go home, by the way. Get out of my face. Anyway, I was crying. in that room. And I didn't intend on crying, but I thought I might. Not silly. I thought,

you know, there's a good portion here. There's a good chance that I, there's a likelihood that I'm going to get into that room and see him and cry and whatever. And rightly so. And my face was still extremely fucked at that point. So I was really in the heat of it. In the thick of disaster, I was well and truly in the pits. And I sit down and the surgeon's opposite me. And I haven't seen him since he fucked up my face, so it's all a bit like confronting and whatever. And he says that it's a really rare complication and that it might be like this forever and that he's sorry. And I started crying. And you'd be proud of me for this. The voice, my voice box was rising. It was bubbling up the apology that I wanted to give for crying. I felt myself start to say, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm crying, I'm sorry. And I zipped that motherfucker back up and I pushed it back down, honestly, and out of my asshole. You think you can butcher my fucking face and I'm going to apologise for crying in front of you. It was uncomfortable. Sat there in that room with me and him and this poor woman watching or whatever.

She annoyed me. I'm not going to get into that, but whatever. Everyone was annoying me because my fucking face got fucked up by you. Anyway, I feel bad for you. you have to sit here and watch me cry. When I'm crying for an extremely valid reason, and also your treatment of me has been fucking piss poor,

to say the least, but whatever. And I just thought, why would I apologise for crying over something so valid? I just thought, look, politically, it's actually important for this man to see the impact of what he's done. Even though, I will say, again, it's a complication from an operation.

It's not necessarily, like, something he did to me intentionally, or from malpractice or whatever. I'm not sure. There's like, it doesn't matter, whatever. This happened to me. I just felt like him and the other people

working in that department or whatever basically did not give a shit that they had said, yeah, you're not going to be able to smile or laugh for the rest of your life and your face is going to be numb and painful. Forever. Bye! Now leave us alone and stop calling us, basically.

Stop asking for help because there's nothing you can do and you need to just go home and you need to just like stop whining about it. They didn't say stop whining, but they did effectively say, leave us alone. You can't do anything. Cool. Yeah, there's a conversation to we had here, okay?

We're going to have to circle back to that. We're going to have to spiral back to it. I just thought it's actually politically important for me to sit here and cry in front of you so that you can see not just a statistic of how many people this goes wrong for, but the real person's eyes welling up with tears and crying in response to the way that you have treated them in a really significant way. And I went to apologise many times, guys, five, six, seven, eight times. And I just swallowed it every time.

And it was tough. It was difficult to sit there in a big surgeon's room crying. It's a silence. Just me sniffling. It wasn't pleasant. It was uncomfortable for all of us. But I just thought, if someone here is apologising, it ain't me. And this is the mentality that I'm taking through in my life.

as someone who operates from a place of, I'm prioritising other people's feelings and I'm not saying that's because I'm so kind and loving and compassionate and all these things. Although I will say I do think I'm a kind person. I don't think I'm doing this out of kindness. I'm doing it out of my own denial of my own feelings and needs

because I think it isn't safe for me to express them because I'll be abandoned, okay? If you're asking, that's where all this is coming from. I'm doing this all so people like me and they feel okay and everything is safe and they're not leaving and we're all fine. Okay, because I think you're my mum and dad, but you're not. And also, if you are, then what? I'm a seven-year-old kid trying to fix things that aren't my problem to fix.

To be honest, I'm not fixable. It's not my responsibility. And so I've just been having this realization recently that I think I, like many folk out there, many good folk, find themselves in the position where they love for, to be the one to blame because that is easier to manage. I just want to remind you that you're not always to blame and people are ars sometimes, including you, including me. But that doesn't mean I'm worthless. It doesn't mean that I don't deserve a conversation or opportunity to repair things. And people are weird sometimes. Look, I just, I trust you, I believe in you. And I think as well,

boy, the women I'm speaking to recently where, again, like I'm speaking about this in a medical sense, but we'll stretch it over absolutely everything. Women are not listened to, especially obviously, women of colour in medical situations, it is actually not mind-blown because it's exactly what you would expect, but it is like, I don't say evil, what's the word? Well, it is evil, but sort of so violent. Like it's so passably violent the way that these women are brushed off. And I've just got so many friends who, not just women of colour, but just like I've got so many friends who are girls who go through situations where for whatever reason they are not listened to, by, by, obviously, guess who? By men, yes, by men. And this, I'm getting my pots and pants out for these people.

Look, that's a bigger conversation. We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. And God bless the NHS and save it and preserve it forever and pay these people. Yeah, so I think it is important, like that person said in their TikTok comment where all the best things are said, when you're not bitchy enough with the world, you get bitchy with yourself and you are reinforcing the idea that you're worthless. And that is not going to do anybody any favours, especially not you. And to be honest, like, selfishly, that's actually just not what I want for you. So can you pack it in? I'm not trying to be rude, but like, come on now. I'm trying to have a nice gang of people who love themselves.

There are just so many situations where I was waiting for somebody else to identify and acknowledge the way that I felt and it never came. And over time, that builds such a resentment from you towards other people in your life that you care about. And it is out of order. It is a shame that they couldn't acknowledge your feelings or stand up for you in some capacity or recognise the ways. that you were hurt, but also it is my own responsibility to protect myself, stand up for myself and prioritise my own needs and know that I am worth standing up for. Remember I said on the podcast before, like if I would go to someone's house and they would be like, do you want some water? I'm better at this now, but I would, back in the day, Charlie Bucket, no thanks. And then I'm literally

gasping of thirst, can barely speak, but barely get a sentence out. All because I said no to that, glass of water 25 minutes ago, it's gutting, okay? It's not a good way to live. And I have gotten better at that as I've gotten older, but I remember saying on the pod a couple of years ago even, my gorgeous little dog, who I'll actually go and get him for the sake of showing him off. Oh my God, if you're watching the video, you are blessed with the sight of my beautiful dog. Anyway, I would have the experience where I would be in a situation, me and my dog, and someone would say, oh, does he need blah, blah, blah, does he need that? And I'll be like, nah, he's fine. And I was like, God, this is so sad that I am so determined to deny any need of mine

that I am, by extension, denying this poor dog of like water or a comfy bed or like whatever it was that he was being offered. Just out of the instinct of being offered something and immediately saying no and just feeling like I couldn't possibly take anything from someone, I couldn't possibly need anything. And beyond like always, always, feeling like I'm the one doing something wrong in a situation. I also, this is a story for another day, maybe we'll get into this, because I think this is going to stretch us into some new territory that we just don't have time to get into today.

But when have I ever asked for help? This is a me issue. When have I ever asked for help? You know how many times I have overcompensated for my own insecurity by doing absolutely everything for somebody? And then having the cheat to be annoyed at them when they don't appreciate it. When I set that press. I let them know that they could absolutely, they could do nothing but walk all over me for years and years.

And I'll be like, cool, thanks, thank you so much. Do you still like me? Bye. Crazy. Wow. Anywho, thank you so much for being here. I have never been more obsessed with this space. I'm so excited and just in love with doing this. And I'm just like, I can't say it in every episode because it's going to get everyone annoyed, but I am so grateful. Also, so, so. Some people keep saying they're like, oh, see you around is good because it's like around like a spiral. Yes, that was what I was saying. Yes, that was the vision. So I'll say see you around and you'll know that it's like around. Get it? Anyway, thanks guys. Thanks for being here. I will also say sorry, just really, really quickly.

Sorry about all those things that I said about YouTube because suddenly everyone's being quite nice to be on there. So I've come back to hell between my legs. Clean slate. I'll be nice. You'll be nice. Everyone's okay. I'm happy to be here on YouTube. And if you're listening on Spotify, you're still my favourite. Love you. Big smooch.

And I'll see you around, kid. What a gift is to have a dog? It's so cute. Where some see heroes and others see egos. Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. A fad to some, the future of money to others. We see crypto's trillion dollar swings, the end of jobs, or the end of human struggle. We see the endless funds fueling the AI hype.

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