Good Inside with Dr. Becky - A Funny Take on Millennial Parenting with Ilana Glazer

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

Comedian and actress Ilana Glazer joins Dr. Becky to talk about motherhood, boundaries, and being a millennial parent. Together, they explore navigating modern parenting with boundaries, love, and challenges.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzkFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Life360: As older kids approach their teen years, we want them to feel more independent. And this is also true: When we’re no longer the ones getting them from point A to point B, we need to know they’ve made it to their destination. So, what's one way we can keep our teens safe while validating their (developmentally appropriate) need for separation? Good Inside just teamed up with Life360, the leading family safety app that helps parents navigate this delicate balance, to bring you a FREE video series on how to talk about tough topics, like peer pressure and curfews, with your teen. With customized locations for frequent destinations like school and practice, automated arrival notifications, and even driving reports that help teach good behind-the-wheel habits, Life360 lets teens spread their wings while giving parents peace of mind. Visit Good Inside’s YouTube page—www.youtube.com/@ goodinside—to watch now! And to learn more about how Life360 can support your family’s safety journey, head to Life 360.com.Today’s episode is brought to you by Lolleez: As a mom of three, cough and cold season can be brutal, so Dr. Becky is always on the lookout for products that make it easier. Lolleez throat soothing pops work so well to treat sore throats and since they’re a flat lollipop and taste amazing, kids will actually take them. Such a smart idea, especially for young kids who can’t gargle or have throat lozenges! The best part? Lolleez are certified organic and made with ingredients you can actually pronounce—plus, they come in fun, kid-approved flavors like Birthday Cake, Strawberry, and Watermelon! And let’s be real: if your kids have it, you’re probably next in line. So they also make Sootheez, throat soothing drops for adults – same clean ingredients, and delicious flavors like Watermelon Mint and Berry Lemonade. You can find Lolleez and Sootheez at Target and Walmart or online at TheEezCo.com. Learn more about the upcoming Effective Alternatives to Punishments workshop: https://bit.ly/4g2tKGD

So I have a really fun conversation to share with you. I sat down the other day with Alana Glazer. Alana is a comedian, a writer, a producer, she's an actor, she does so many things, she has a new comedy special, Human Magic that's currently streaming on Hulu, and she loves talking about parenting. She's so self-reflective, she's so open, she's so honest, and in this episode we talk about being a millennial parent and what that means, sleep struggles, and my favorite topic of all time, boundaries.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be right back. inside. We'll be right back. So here's something I'm thinking a lot about as my kids get older. When our kids approach their teenage years, we want them to feel more independent. And at the same time, because we're no longer the ones so involved in getting them from point A to point B. We want to know that they're safe and have made it to their destination. How do you navigate this delicate dance? Well, I've got you covered. Good Inside just teamed up with Life360, the leading family safety app that helps parents navigate this delicate balance. And we're bringing you a free video series about how to talk to your teen about tough topics, like peer pressure and curfew.

I'm super excited about this collaboration because as parents, we all sometimes need a little extra support when it comes to our kids' safety. Life360's thoughtful approach to teen safety and independence does exactly that. With customized locations for frequent destinations like school and practice, automated arrival notifications,

even driving reports that help teach good behind the wheel habits, Life360 lets teens spread their wings while also giving parents peace of mind. So if you're ready to feel more confident opening up conversations, setting boundaries, and building connection with your teen, visit Good Inside's YouTube page.

That's www.youtube.com backslash at Good Inside. That's the at sign and then Good Inside. To watch now. And to learn more about how Life360 can support your family's safety journey, head to life360.com. That's L-I-F-E 360.com. Hi, Elana.

Hi, Dr. Becky, also known as Rebecca Kennedy. I'm obsessed. I'm so grateful. I'm so excited. This is way more like street cred, celeb currency to my best friends than other celebrities who are famous for whatever. I'm thrilled. Not about the currency, but my own personal love for you and your work.

Who thinks it'd be true? Yeah. Yeah. We're thrilled for both. That's right. Yeah. Well, I'm so excited. You're so smart and you make me proud to be a millennial parent. Well, that's like the nicest thing someone's ever said to me. So thank you. I will take that in. I feel like I've gotten better at that.

I used to be like, oh no, no, no. And then it's like, no, that feels good. And this work is so hard. So we all need some affirmation to keep going. That's so from our like teen years in the early 2000s, somebody gives you a compliment and you're like, no. Right? It's like, no.

Right. It's their truth about you. It's like not even, oh. For me, this whole thing. I really mean this. I really believe that everyone has all the ingredients they need inside them, that we have those resources. We've all built up layers and probably especially as women, so many layers to kind of block access to our power, our strength, our desire, what we want, the ability to tolerate doing things even when other people are inconvenienced.

Again, no babies ever born saying like, oh, I want more milk, but my mom's gonna be upset, so I'm not gonna cry. We obviously all have that within us. And so one of the reasons I think I initially was like, no, no, no, is because I'm like, wait, this is not, I really mean this, I don't think I insert knowledge into someone, I'm like, we all need a guide

to just get back to that. But I know in my life when I have found books or people who've really touched me and been part of my journey and been a guide for me, that's still really, really significant, to feel like there's something that really speaks to something within you. And so, honored to meet you.

Thank you. Thanks so much. It's like what you're making me think of right now is actually goes back to what I was saying something within you. And so, honored to meet you. Thank you. Thanks so much. It's like what you're making me think of right now is actually goes back to what I was saying about being proud to be a millennial parent, because I think millennials are kind of the first generation to be so, not casually, theorized, but like it's not a shameful thing anymore.

And I think when a lot of us were getting into it in our 20s, it was like a big deal. And now it's like either a thing that we did that really helped or it's just not, it's just, there's not as much of a stigma in seeking out help with your mental health. Yeah. And I think that, or I like to believe that millennials have the most formed sense of accountability emotionally, where like we know that it's our thing. In fact, even complimenting you, that's my thing, because I need you to be the person that you are for me

on Instagram. And I guess I also am hoping you like me. So I'm like, I really like you. You know what I mean? But I'm like, these are my things as well. Like it doesn't necessarily mean that you that I expect you to be the person that I think you are or something. It's like more of an offering. And I think that we, I like to believe that millennials are imparting this accountability and separateness

from their children more than any generation before. Say more about that. You know, this like, sort of like gentle parenting and, and, you know, there's like sort of branding, but it's like gentle parenting. You mean parenting? It's been so harsh. It's been so harsh that, you know, it's supposed to be gentle. And what's harsh is like the societal structure around this cosmically magical experience. We should all be free to and supported in enjoying as much as we possibly can.

The accountability for like, oh, those were my feelings, you know what I mean? And like, my kid, you said something that my husband and I repeat all the time. It's like, she's not giving me a hard time, she's having a hard time. And while that phrase really helped me and helped us and helps us consistently, I think

that you gave words to a sense that our generation is having more than before. You know, in the 90s, it's like, knock it off. You know what I mean? And it's like, shut up back there or whatever. And it's like, no, in fact, that parent is having a hard time. I now look back on, you know, those those 30-year-olds struggling to raise their two or three kids in the isolated suburbs of wherever. But as a kid, not that my parents were like that, but that was the parenting culture

in the 90s and 2000s when I was a kid growing up in Long Island. And it was like, these people think we work for them. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, what it's making me think is yes, that classic harsh parenting that I do think has been at least American parenting for like a very long time, right? Your kid acts out and you're like, go to your room

or you can't talk to me that way. And you kind of just, I often think you just get to vomit your own frustration onto your kid in the moment and call it discipline. I don't know if that's all it really is. Like I don't want to feel the hard thing I'm feeling this moment. So I'm just going to kind of make you feel that way instead. And we call it kind of discipline or keeping your kids in line. Although it's just that would never be tolerated anymore, at least in like the workplace. I don't even think sports coaches really coach that way if they're trying to optimize an

athlete's performance. And when I'm asked often like, Dr. Becky, a good insight, it seems like you guys don't really do punishments, which by the way, I'm always like, well, of course I naturally screen them sometimes. It's just so natural to come out with them. But I never think it's effective. And someone will say, well, is that soft? And in line with what you're saying, you know what's soft, like really soft?

Your kid is tantruming and that is enough to put you into a tizzy and say things that you don't even intend to follow up on and lose it in front of your child. Where recently I was talking to a parent who was like, oh, my kid says, you're the worst dad. I'm like, it's insane. I can't let him get away with that. And he was a sports person. I was like, imagine LeBron James being with a kid and a kid's like, you're the worst basketball

player. And LeBron's like, sorry, Becky, I cannot let that kid get away with that. You cannot say that to me. Whoa, LeBron's like, sorry, Becky, I cannot let that kid get away with that. You cannot say that to me. Like, whoa, LeBron. Okay. Like, is your self-esteem that fragile? Just move on. And I think anyone would say that's pathetic.

They would. You let this child eviscerate your power because of their words that they happened to say when they were feeling out of control because they don't have the skills to like manage that. We would say that's soft that someone was that able to be tipped over. But in parenting, we say that's like discipline, right? It doesn't make sense. You're so right. Like we don't even like talk this way at work anymore. It's considered like in TV and film, these are considered toxic environments where people talk this way at work anymore. It's considered like in TV and film, these are considered toxic environments

where people talk this way. Yeah, it's crazy. And I don't know if it's because kids just are the most vulnerable. They don't know what they deserve. They can't speak up for themselves, right? So if they did band together, they'd be like, this doesn't feel good.

It also just doesn't make sense. You're not helping us become the adults you want to become. But there are, I think, a number of adults now and parents who are saying, not only does that stuff not feel good to kids or adults, because we remember it not feeling good to us anyway, but it's not working. And there's a better way. And that better way, we don't have to go from one extreme to the other. I feel like often it's like, oh, so you don't punish so everything's okay. So much space between those two extremes, right? No, that's not what it means. And I think it feels, it feels right. I mean, that's what happened for me. I was trained to teach every parent how to do punishments and

timeouts and sticker charts. You were trained? Yes, as a psychologist. To do punishments and sticker charts? Yes. Oh, ew. I know. Ew. And I have to admit, I'm sorry, I always think admit can be upgraded to share. Admit is shame. Oh, couples therapy, I'm finding myself admitting all these things, but share is, that's a nice

swap. It can always be swapped. So I'm going to share that I was in this program, it was after my PhD where I said I want to work with parents, I'm getting a lot of referrals from parents. And I think at the time, I just thought, well, I should get more education. I always liked learning. So let me go to the place that teaches people like me as a psychologist, how to work with parents with their kids. And it was very esteemed. Everyone's like, oh my goodness, you got into this place, this program. And it was how to deliver timeouts, sticker charts,

ignoring, praise, and essentially, I remember, I remember being very excited. That's the sharing. That's the sharing. I was very excited, because I think the left part of our brain really lights up. It's so linear and logical. They're like, amazing, I'm gonna reward the good

to get more of the good. I'm gonna, and this was the word they said, exting reward the good to get more of the good, I'm gonna, and this was the word they said, extinguish the bad to get less of the bad. And you never wondered, well, like, how are we raising humans? No one ever talked about that. Extinguish, I'm like gagging on that word. I know, why are you gagging on that word?

It's literally reminding me of learning about the Holocaust in Hebrew school. It's scary. Because honestly, these systems do extinguish parts of our humanity and do extend to these violent structures. We live among, beside, within. And that systemic dehumanizing, these parenting tactics that we've been taught for so long

are an extension of that. So it's just like putting a very fine point on it for me, because this is a system that in a curriculum, that curriculum in your literal specific sense, but also like I started in my like standup special, I talk about, you know, developing early and I started babysitting at nine years old. And you know, even at that point, this curriculum about childcare that we've learned for so

long is really dehumanizing. And it is aiming to make our children our employees. And it's sad. It makes me sad. I think the word dehumanizing just really sticks. That I just think about in my worst moments as an adult, like in my worst moments, the idea that someone is treating me kind of in a way that's consistent with seeing me as that worst moment,

like I just must be that person, right? Is so spiraling. Like in your worst moments, you definitely don't need someone to throw you a party. That's, you know, that one, oh, I love you when you're like this. But you need someone, and it's gonna sound cheesy, who can set a boundary and stop you from self-destructing

because you're not in a good place or making good decisions. You need someone to see the good inside you when you can't feel it for yourself. You need it. Like we're relational beings. We all operate with people. In some degree, definitely our kids, we're their mirrors. We reflect back to them who they are and that's how they form their identity.

And then their identity dictates their behaviors going forward. And so when they hit, and by the way, all the words, you'll appreciate this. Someone's saying, you're so good at acting out what parents shouldn't say. I'm like, I'm not really acting it out. I'm just reliving the things I've said to my children. Like, I'm not an actress. What's wrong with you? Go to your room. Your sister would never do this, right? Or you're like a sociopath. You don't even care about anyone. Okay. So there's that moment, but kids don't learn from moments. They learn from themes and patterns. And what a kid takes in isn't, wait, I think my parent just means that I can't hit,

and I just have to manage my anger. It's way too nuanced. They just think, the person I care about the most, who kind of knows who I am, they're my parent, they're my safest, most important adult, is looking at me like I'm an evil, awful, dehumanized person. And if that happens over and over, kids believe the way we look at them. Yeah. Yeah. The admission you were making when you shared

about getting into the special program was that you were excited about this curriculum. Yeah. I was. I mean, I just, when I was doing it, you know, I think maybe I'm just talking about me. I like things that are nuanced, but there's still this part of my brain that likes things to be very linear and clear.

And if I have this input, I will get this output. And I think the reason parents like timeouts and punishments and sticker charts is because I think the worst part of parenting is when you just don't understand your kid. You think the worst part of parenting is when your kids act out and they have annoying behaviors. I don't enjoy that particularly. Having said that, the thing about those situations that spiral us isn't the behavior, it's not understanding it and being really confused. And I think in those moments of confusion, if you have something that gives you something crisp and clear and concrete, even if it doesn't make

sense, even if you don't believe in it, even if it feels bad. I feel like us humans, we really like clarity. And so I think it's compelling. Oh, I just, I know how to give a timeout. You have a two minute timeout for hitting your sister. You're not going to get your sticker. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, now they have a tantrum that they're not getting their sticker.

But at least I feel like I know what to do. And I think through my own journey, what I realized is, wait, okay, parents need to know what to do. We all do. Nobody tells us what to do. The world tells us it should come naturally. I believe the only thing that comes naturally is how you were parented, which is often not the thing we want to repeat. And so what if there was a system that just felt better and more right and almost more healing, but was equally as clear and concrete? I mean, that's how this whole thing started. How did you like raise your consciousness

out of sticker charts? I mean, the truth of it was, I delivered that method to parents for a little while in my private practice, I did. I get it. And then I had my first around the same time. I wasn't doing a ton of parenting work before I had my son. I feel like once I did, I was like, oh, wow, this is so hard.

I want to do more of this work. And really, it was the course of these months where I would be sharing with people what to do. And every couple sessions, something shifted. At first, it was like, this is amazing. An eye of clarity, and I can tell them. And then maybe in a couple weeks, it was like, this is amazing. An eye of clarity and I can tell them. And then maybe in a couple of weeks, it was like, there's this like weird feeling.

It's only like 5%. That's like, I don't know about this. And then that was like 10%. And then truly the thing became so loud in me. I don't know if you've heard me say this before, it really, in some ways, was like this watershed moment where I said to these parents, I'm sorry, I don't believe anything I'm telling you. Woo!

Really? Wow. And when I look back on that moment, it feels, the reason it feels important is because I actually didn't know what to tell them instead. And I said that to them. I remember being like, I'm gonna do some thinking. Holy shit.

And they were like, can we have our money back? I was like, definitely, please just don't write me bad, like Yelp review or something. But to me, that moment of I know something is wrong and I can know that before I know what is right. I feel like kind of informed everything experimental that almost came next. You like experiment it, cause I'm like, what then,

how did you build this new whatever curriculum or practice through experimenting? I think the thing that struck me and why I felt so wrong is I'd have, my days were very long in private practice and I'd see, okay, parents of a three-year-old, couples therapy, individual adult, individual adult, individual adult, teenager after school, another parenting session. So I'd have all these different kind of things, whereas like parenting versus a teen versus couples versus adults.

Wow. And I think the thing that felt bad was everything I know helps teens, couples, and adults change the way they see the world and live more of the life they want to live is that theoretical opposition with what I'm telling parents to do. Mm-hmm. We've talked about therapy being in therapy. When you struggle, your therapist doesn't say to you, give me your phone, I'm taking parents to do. Like, we've talked about therapy being in therapy. When you struggle, your therapist doesn't say to you,

give me your phone, I'm taking your phone for a week. And come back when you figure that out. You'd be like, that's the best you've got? That's soft. That's pathetic. Help me figure this out. And so I was like, how could the things that teens, couples, and adults need to rewire be so different than what kids need. And I think that goes back maybe to our commonality, like they're humans.

All humans need the same things. And so what if I took this kind of way I had of working with adults, this combination of different things I had learned, my own creativity, what if I just reverse engineered that to parents and made it concrete and practical, because that tends to be what I need to kind of trust things anyway. And I think I've really learned so much from adults, what their well-intentioned parents did that, as a pattern, felt really off, how they needed to shift, and some of that really informed what I shared with parents more than anything else.

Two things I want to say. Two and a half. The first is I want listeners and viewers to know that our feet aren't touching the ground. It's really true. It's an important... You're like pretending that your left foot is. It's not.

Our feet are swinging. Okay. We're short people. Second thing I want to say when you talked about a timeout is, you know, it's like the timeout is this outside in version of like pausing, which is the same kind of vibe, but like from the inside out, like one does need a pause, but to be like imprisoned in that moment is like so dehumanizing, you know, truly. And it's like, you don't get access to me, your biggest source of care and provision, you go away from me.

And it's like, yeah, of course I, can I curse? Of course I want a fucking break too. But it's also like, let's take a break from this. Let's take a beat. We always say beat, let's take a beat. Oh my God. And then the other thing about clarity is like, I shared with you before this session

that I don't feel like diving into it here and I'm sorry. But we're having like some sleep troubles that have been like so persistently painful for such a long time that I'm mired in an entanglement of feelings that I can't start to detangle here. But after the session, I do need your help badly. But clarity, I was just thinking yesterday morning, you talked about doing a placeholder name. Should I call my child Burt?

Does that feel right? Honestly, she loves Burt on Sesame Street. She loves Burt and Oscar, which I'm like, you are empathetic. You care for... So many parts. I love it. Like caring for these sour characters and boring characters, I love it. So my beautiful daughter, Burt, couldn't... What's going on?

Couldn't... Could not go back to sleep. And while it didn't work, one thing I did was, I was like, let's take a bath. At like five in the morning, I was like, you want to take a bath? Just the change in element from air to water, I was like, that's a clarity from the inside out, from like a human place, that I'm in fact proud to share here

rather than the inconsistent and challenged ways I've been dealing with our sleep struggles. But I am like happy to share here, let's just like sit in water water and pour water over your head. And it really did calm her down and clarify things actually. It's like, I don't know, she was all buzzy and wired and knew it was weird to be up.

So then the bath is just a type of clarity that I think is more human anyway. Yeah, I have so many different thoughts. Number one, sleep with one of my kids is definitely the area that I feel like I made some of my worst parenting decisions in that I feel. Thank you. Oh my God, I'm like foot clamped.

Thank you. I mean, but sleep, it's so primal. Honestly, when I talk to parents and I'm like, just tell me all the things because it's never that clean. They're like, yeah, it's the tantrums, it's the rudeness, it's the hitting, it's the sibling stuff, it's the sleep. I actually always say, let's start with sleep first, because when your kid's sleep is disrupted and your sleep is disrupted, nobody has any large percentage of what they would need to

even manage the other things well. It's so basic, right? I mean, one of the things you do to torture people is deprive them of sleep. So it's so important. And so to me, that's always the starting point. And when you're not sleeping, it's just, I remember with one of my kids, it's so triggering. You do feel like your kid is giving you a hard time. Yeah, you really do. Even me, I'm like, what were they having? Yeah, they were having a hard time, but it really didn't feel like that.

Because you're like, I want to be doing the opposite of what I'm doing. Now I want to be not talking to you and not interacting with you at all because I would be sleeping in my bed. And so regulating yourself. And so we act from that place of powerlessness and helplessness. And I'm happy to share here, I mean, one of my kids, because, and this is such a big lesson for me, I don't even know if I've talked about this, but I was so scared of letting her into my room for a period of time.

And I think this like fast forward error, oh, she's never going to leave and you know, and now I look, right? Oh my God. And so- Oh, or fast forward of like, well, I better enjoy it because one day it'll never happen again. Right, either way. Yeah.

And so for a period of time, she slept on the wood floor outside of our bedroom. And she's also so resolute and strong that I remember her saying when we then were like, wait a second, maybe she's just coming to our room. But I think whatever it was, the injury, she said, I'm a wood person, not a bed person. And if I could go back and give myself advice, it would be like she's going through a hard time. It was when I had my third, that shakes up a kid's world. And she needed something that she wouldn't always need.

And it's okay to give into that. That's not permissive and it's not forever. And maybe I give her that for a little bit. And then maybe weeks or months later, I'd be like, you know what, we're shifting away because something has changed. But I was scared to do that. And me and my husband still talk. That was not a good set of, that was not our best set of decisions.

I slept on the floor like a dog in my parents' bedroom. And I like look back and like, something's off there. Something's off. Something's off. I certainly didn't want my daughter in my bed and struggled with it, but then embraced it, and was like, reliance. You know what I mean? Reliance. Just, we literally are animals as well as human beings, and embraced it for a while, and I'm just like, I'm at a lost point right now, but I feel you. It's so weird, you know? And the other thing about boundaries,

it's like, we have so many outside in, dehumanizing boundaries enforced upon us nonconsensually in this world, and it's kind of hard to know what a real human boundary from the inside out is. As a mom of three, cough and cold season can be brutal, so I'm always on the lookout for products to make it easier. Lollies throat-soothing pops work so well to treat sore throats, and since they're a flat lollipop and taste amazing, kids will actually take them. Such a smart idea, especially for young kids who can't gargle or have throat lozenges.

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That's T-H-E-E-E-Z-C-O.com. ["Psychoanalysis"] I was sharing with you that I'm in analysis. I said psychoanalysis, so it's like high frequency therapy, three times a week, 45 minutes on the Diz. At 45 minutes, we out. Rebecca Kennedy, it's done. It is.

And it has like enforced boundaries on me where I'm like, oh, at first I was like, he hates me. He fucking hates me. We his favorite patient. Yup. And then- We want to know like my favorite patient. Right, right. And then I've actually just learned like, oh, my doctor needs these boundaries in order to care.

And I talked about it with him. I was like, feel like he hate me. You know, we like talk through it where it's like you need, he needs these boundaries to care for me and his other patients, you know, and whatever. Like I've learned the feeling of receiving boundaries and thus how to enact them from the inside out myself through this psychoanalytic practice I've been in for five years, more than any other, I don't know, learning boundaries before or like never learning them early on. And yeah, it's just, it's really hard. It's really hard to hold a boundary. It's hard to know, you know, talking about like letting a kid in bed or not, it's just like kind of hard to know in parenting.

And there's such a high volume of like intense, immediate needs, high frequency, you know. It's kind of hard to sort it out when you also have a job and like a house to clean and- And stuff from your past that comes up to deal with. That's right. I mean, I want to double click on boundaries because this is like boundaries are my love language.

And I think it's of all the different kind of journeys. I feel like I've experienced with parents like learning what boundaries really are, what they're not, learning how to set them and hold them, right? Learning what to expect from others in response to your boundaries. Not so secret secret, nobody likes when you hold boundaries,

like just because we all have reactions to not getting our own needs met. I do feel like it's so critical in parenting and going back to our own past, so many of us growing up, I know for me this is true too, so much of how we formed our identity and our worth was kind of us growing up, I know for me this is true too, so much of how we formed our identity and our worth was kind of like looking out, noticing what people wanted of us, being

good for other people, which is kind of the opposite of boundaries. And so I don't think any of us become moms and think, I'm going to have a hard time when my kids upset with me. We're like, no, they're my kids. It's like logically, you're like, they're going to be upset with me. But it activates something so much older than anything about parenting. What is it like for me to be grounded in what I want,

even if other people don't want that of me? What is it like for me to get what I want while knowing it inconveniences someone else? Like these are such old circuits that get activated in such big ways. I don't actually have trouble with Burt saying that she doesn't like me. She said this this morning, she was like, I don't like you. And I was like, that's okay. Probably the psychoanalysis got me there. I started in 2020, so a couple years before I got pregnant, and I'm like really glad I did.

It helped me with that. I'm not like offended and I'm like actually so, you know, I was like a very good kid. I did not rebel very much, really wanted, really focused on what I could give as my worth to my parents, to my family. So I'm like really, I feel accomplished when Bert tells me she doesn't like me,

or, you know, I like daddy, I don't like you. And I'm like, cool, that's okay. That's okay to say, totally get it. We're still gonna do this thing, you know? That's not like what breaks me. It's honestly, and this is a big part of the sleep, like my ambivalence about separation, my separateness.

I think I, you know, it's like I, the heartbreak of how much love is pumping through me. It's like so heartbreaking. And it's also like, you know, when like when people who often have given birth before, like my friend had this, where the walls of her uterus were thin from the first assault of pregnancy and birth? It's almost like the walls of my heart are thin, just pressed.

And it's like when the Grinch at the end is like the heart growing three times the size and it breaks that box. And it's like Bert is now three and a half years old and it's like really, really outside of the baby era. And my husband and I are like, it's really starting to be like, fuck, this is so painful. Not even forget the horrors of the world. Just like it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking how, I don't knowrors of the world. Just like, it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking how, I don't know, the deliciousness. And like, I think what I struggle with is like, almost feeling like seen and felt for how much I miss her when I'm leaving today. How much I'm, even though I'm having all these sleep troubles, gonna miss you tonight while I'm going upstairs.

Because I actually came to love this like lion's den that we shared and that was actually an extra bunch of hours we could get together if I'm not seeing you during the day. Yeah. I'm curious if this resonates or if it's a cousin or not at all related where I think about moments that have been hard with my kids where,

trying to think of an example, or again maybe it's like a power struggle of, look, my youngest, I know I'm not going to get him to wear a coat because he's so strong-minded and so strong-willed. But to me, I want to make sure the coat is just in your backpack. You might decide, especially when you're away from me and you don't see that I'm looking at you, that you're like, yeah, it's a good day for a coat, it's 20 degrees. Right? So I'm just like, that's my job is to put it in there.

And I think part of the power struggle is maybe, maybe on some level, I'm looking for him to say to me, I know you do this from a place of caring and you just love me so much. Like it's laughable. Like he's definitely not going to say that to me. And it sounds cheesy and it doesn't work all the time. But I know that if I do take a moment and say to myself, Becky, I know I'm doing this from a place of care, right?

It doesn't mean I'm not going to get a power struggle that morning, but it does help a little. It eases things from the inside out. Yes. From parent to child. I know one of the things I struggle with is I do feel like efficiency and relationship building are opposites. Because I think at night, one of the things that comes up is you're like, I got to get

my kid down. And then, and part of it, not a part of it, all of it, that makes sense for me. There's like this many minutes that I could sit on a couch. Three kids, I- Well, especially as my kid gets older. I remember one of my friends saying this to me when their kids were a lot older and it struck me as surprising, even though it's crazy. They're like, when your kids get older, they stay up later and you don't like get those hours

back. I was like, I never considered that. They stay up until 10. It's not like they go to school at nine the next day. Like you just have, they just occupy more hours. I think about it all the time. Anyway, go on. And so at night, you know, and I think especially with one of my kids who is just more oriented towards separation, that's all sleep is, it's separation. We always think so much about how kids separate at school

and their routines and how we make them comfortable. That's when they're with students and a teacher in a room in the light with toys. At night, they're alone in the dark without anyone and they do it for longer than they do during the day. So by the way, I believe kids can learn to sleep independently from a place of capability and resilience and all the good things.

So it's not a reason to say kids can't sleep independently, but it's important to understand why they delay with a million stickers. And a couple of days ago, I was talking to my two younger kids and I said to them, I want you to each tell me one thing that'll be like part of my New Year's resolutions. One thing that you really want me to do differently to be a better parent. Wow, true strength. Because I was like, they have good feedback, right?

That's what we do. But that's what you do in work. 360 degree feedback, right? We take in all input. And my daughter said to me, okay, mom, I know I always have to do one more thing at night. And she goes, that's just how I am. I'm always going to have to do one more thing. And I hate that you say to me, come on, let's go.

You got to get to bed. And she goes, and that's the last voice I hear before I go to sleep. Oh my goodness. Ooh. I'm a psycho. This child has a full palette, all the colors of emotions that she's able to process and communicate to you. It's incredible.

And she's got my number. Yeah, that is the last voice I hear. Because I think at night, kids need a little bit extra connection. And I know as an adult, I'm going for a little bit extra efficiency. Can we just shorten this, you know? And it's only been a couple days since she said that. But I have, I did really take it in. I think one of the things that helps me be less efficient, it's just, Becky, this is

exactly what I should be doing. I have to get hyperbolic. There's nothing more important than this right now. I'm not in such a rush. I don't know what I'm rushing to do, but it always feels like a rush. And kind of my relationship, that connection with her, she needs an extra dose to separate, right?

And it has been more pleasant, but it's been challenging. Talk to me a little bit about your journey when you became a mom around these things that feel not conducive with how we grew up, boundaries, whatever self-care means to you, how you balance being a caregiver. You have so much love for your daughter. You also have love for yourself when those things feel conflictual, when they don't. The boundaries thing really goes back to psychoanalysis for me because I'm an analytic person.

My relationship with my husband is analytic and we're getting to a point where it's like a little too much. We were like in a pattern of analyzing ourselves before one another, analyzing each other. And it's like, we got it. We've been together 12 and a half years. We get it. We get the vibe, the pattern, where it comes from. I think we got it. I literally am like, can we just talk about T-shirts?

Like the best soft T-shirt, like the one that moves the best. I just want to get like granular with stupid shit, please. Because we're also not like huge TV and movie film watchers. Like we're, we literally talk and talk. So it really is in my analytic practice that I have been like, yeah, just like reparented myself, repartnered myself in a way that's super helpful. And I'm reaching this understanding also with my sleep troubles. I drew a boundary the other day. I was like, I literally can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted. It is mentally damaging. My brain is cotton candy,

and I can't do this anymore. So I actually, I struggle with boundaries. I want to be super mom. I want to be super mom. What does that mean? Like for over a year, I've been like getting up every single night and I'm exhausted and I have a, not full-time job, I have like a career and I've been on

tour. I did a 52 show tour, which is, I filmed a stand-up special, Human Magic for Hulu, that's streaming on Hulu right now. I put out a movie, Babes, also on Hulu. Hulu's got my number. And I'm like, how have I not, I haven't asked for help. And you know, Bert calls mommy and I'm out of bed in less than a second, in one half of a second, I'm mid-leap.

And it's like, you know, this goes back to really old feelings of hoping that if I take care of others, I will then be taken care of. Almost like a faith system, right? Like the way that different faiths have like what is really just superstition, almost like a superstition, you know? So I really struggle with boundaries and boundaries on myself and I'm harsh. I want to share two different ways I think about boundaries. I personally always like to have the freedom to like define things in a million ways.

It's just about what's useful. Great. Okay. The first, which has been the most helpful in my boundary journey is just boundaries are what you tell others you will do and they require the other person to do nothing. Yes. Because one of the things I think especially from parents, although I hear from adults is I tell my kid in New York City not

to press all the elevator buttons when we go into the elevator and they don't respect my boundaries. That's so annoying. So annoying. That's crazy. So annoying. Oh my God, giving LOEs. Right?

And if I think about boundaries as boundaries are what I tell my kid I will do and kind of then their success would require my kid to do nothing, I would kind of say, oh, well, I'm not setting a boundary. I'm not telling my kid what I will do. And the success of it would require my kid not to press the buttons. But if a boundary success should have nothing to do with the other person, then that's not actually a boundary. Right.

It's a request. We make requests of people all the time, but if something really matters to us, our power comes from our boundaries and we give away our power all the time to like four-year-olds. And so this was my son, my youngest. He has 0% people pleasing in him. Such an inspiration for the rest of us. And so triggering. But if it really mattered to me, and he doesn't do this anymore, he's seven,

but he was younger, he would just be driven by what he wants to do. And you know what's funny? To press all the elevator buttons. It just is objectively funny. Genuinely hilarious. Yeah. And so I realized that what I did was either say, look, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons. And even if you lunge, I'm ready. I got my moves. I'm just not going to let you press them.

Holy moly. Okay. And then whether he lunged or not, I could get upstairs because I was still bigger than him and be like, I held my boundary. Now again, he never said I needed that. I really appreciate you. Such a sturdy leader. Never. They always still try the thing. They whine. They complain. And sometimes the boundary was just, I realized I don't have to say anything. I could just stand between him and the elevator buttons and get ready and say, like, send him, I'm not gonna let you do that if he tried. And again, I'm setting a boundary. And what I realized with the shift is, first of all, my win was not dependent on my toddler doing anything. It's just so powerless to feel like your wins as a parent

are dependent on a very not yet formed human being. Right? My win now was, cause I remember talking to my friends about this, is like I felt really proud about these shifts, even though objectively someone looking at them would be like, your kid's being difficult. But I was like, oh no, like I'm playing the role I need to play.

I'm doing me. I know what I'm doing is kind of powerful, embodying my appropriate authority and still being kind and compassionate because if he can't kind of regulate the urge to press the buttons, I'm not doing him a favor by letting him just do it. Now I'm going to get frustrated. I'm going to like yell a threat I'm not going him a favor by letting him just do it. Now I'm going to get frustrated. I'm going to yell a threat I'm not going to follow up with. I need to protect him from his lack of- It's wacky world also to teach him that this is possible.

It's not really possible. I have to stop him. Pass the first time. I'm everything. I'm not going to ever let him run into the street. Right. I wouldn't be like, if you run into the street again, no dessert tonight. I'm just going to stop him.

I just need to stop him from doing the things that aren't good for him. And then the other way I think about boundaries is just, especially maybe this is definitely for kids, but I think about it definitely with adults, is a boundary is a way I'm telling you what I need to continue feeling good about my relationship with you. And so it's a way of preserving my relationship with you. That's right. Right, like the reason someone might say to their mother-in-law that like they just can't pop over

whenever they want is because they actually wanna be in a better relationship with their mother-in-law and not feel resentful all the time. But it's so counter, yes, especially with us as little girls because you said you are a good girl, I would too. I put good in quotes because all that means is you don't have desires for yourself. You don't set boundaries. You never think about what you need in a relationship. You're defining it outside in.

Check. Right. And then we call that kind of good girl. It's messed up. Yeah. And it's actually like not even what femininity is, you know what I mean? As a not even what femininity is, you know what I mean? As a sort of strong consuming force of femininity. It's like, that's not even what that is. That's like some, something else. It's some like bizarre part that has been written and we just are handed a script in so many ways.

But I really like love the redefining, you know, additional angle of defining what a boundary is. Yeah. Because it kind of goes back to what I'm saying about millennial parenting and how I feel like millennials, like there's just a sort of common sense in how forcing other people to be who you want them to be doesn't make sense anymore at many levels, at a parenting level, at a governmental, national level.

Like, it just, large groups, it just doesn't make sense to... It's not gonna work to say, I hate the way you are and you need to change. It doesn't work, you know? And the only thing you can define, I'm finding the mainstream millennial discourse to understand is that the only thing you can control is your own boundaries.

Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. Thanks for having me. This is awesome. Many more. Cheers. Next time with a stool so our feet can move. Thank you for listening.

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