Good Inside with Dr. Becky - A Parent's #1 Job

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

We all want to encourage our kids' independence, but what about when safety is a concern? Focus on "family jobs": Your job as a parent is to set boundaries, validate your child's feelings, and empathize. Your child's job is to explore and express their feelings. In this episode, Dr. Becky talks to three parents about how to keep kids safe, especially when they push back on our boundaries. Whether they're refusing to wear a helmet or hate their carseat, she offers practical strategies and scripts to connect with your child inside and outside of the moment—all grounded in the framework of family jobs.  Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today's episode is all about those moments where we have to keep our kids safe.

We have to make a decision that they don't like. And we know it's going to be met with protest, or it's always met with tears. And we also have to be the one in charge. Moments like my kid doesn't want to put on their seatbelt. Moments like my kid doesn't want to hold my hand crossing the street. And I don't trust my child to walk right next to me. Are there too young to walk near the street on their own? What do we do when our kids are insisting on separation, on independent decision making, on being in charge of my own body and yet safety is a concern. How do we balance our desire to show our kids?

Yes, you're in charge of your own body. And also, keep our kid safe. To me, I wanna ground this discussion in the idea of family jobs. Thinking about family jobs helps us understand how to manage these really tricky situations. And before we hear from three different parents explaining three different situations

that involve consent and body autonomy and safety, let's form a foundation. So we can all think about this with the same framework. Here's how I think about family jobs. In a family, parents and kids have roles, and knowing what your role is helps clarify what to do when things feel especially difficult. Here's how I think about a parents job.

Three parts. Boundaries, validation, empathy. Boundaries involve decision making or often it involves containment or it involves being in charge when safety is concerned. The other two parts of a parent's job involve empathy and validation, which speaks to seeing a child's experience and connecting to their underlying feelings. This is not the same as changing your decision because they have certain feelings.

Validating and empathizing with feelings, sees your kids feelings as real. That is totally different than using your child's feelings to inform your decision or change your boundaries. Within a family system, I think about kids having jobs too. Kids have the job of experiencing and expressing their feelings. And often a kid's job and a parent's job go hand in hand. So for example, we set a boundary.

Our kid often has feelings about that. They often don't like it. There I go doing my job, making that decision as my family leader. There my kid goes in their job of having feelings. And then I can see sought to the other part of my job. Validating and empathizing with the feelings my child is having about my boundary while still holding that boundary.

On our side, the parent side, boundaries, validation, empathy. On my kid side, feeling and expressing their feelings. Now this is critical when we imagine those things on different sides. My child's feelings. Don't determine my boundaries. And also, my boundaries don't determine my child's feelings. I can make a great decision as a family leader. It doesn't mean my kid needs to give me their approval or a high five or a smile. At the same time, my child can be really, really upset. And that doesn't mean I've made a bad decision

or have to change my decision. So as we go through a couple different scenarios, we're gonna constantly come back to family jobs and then put that framework into real life and I'll translate these ideas into strategies and scripts that come up for all of us. So with that in mind, let's jump in. Our first caller is Mel.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Mel. I live in New York and I have a son. He's two years old and I have a two month old new baby. My two year old is in the space now where if I ask him to come here or I, you know, if I'm in another room or even if I'm right in front of him, like we're getting dressed for bedtime, you know, and I need him to put on his pajamas. He thinks it's a theoretical to run away from me and jump into the rocking chair in the room. This is now generalized to any time they need to have him come to me, whether it's downstairs because I need him to get shoes on

or in Target. If I say come here, he looks to me, smiles, and runs in the other direction. Most recently, it happened when we were outside and Hamilton ran into the street. Thankfully, I got him, but he just thinks it's so funny. And I now it's really become a safety concern. And I really don't know how

to address this. Seems like he's doing it for attention but anything I've tried to do to kind of remedy this is not from, you know, according to plan. So if you have any advice, they'd really, really love for you to help me with this. Thanks so much. Hi, Mel. I really connect to what you're saying. I have three kids and one of them is a total boundary pusher, right? I have one kid who would never run away from me on the street. I have another kid who might, but then would come back when I say to return and another child who would think it is the funniest thing in the world to run away and then probably even funnier to keep running once I've said stop. These different dynamics relate to our kids temperament, relate to so many other things.

It's not a sign, you have a bad kid, it's not a sign you're doing something wrong when you have that kid who runs further away than a friend or then a sibling. What is important is if you know you have that kid who's going to make a game out of running away from you on the street, to realize I need different forms of boundaries than another parent might. Another parent might be able to walk next to a child near the street and not have to hold that child's

hand or not have to buckle that child into a stroller. I, know with one of my kids, I have to be holding his hand or holding his entire body or there's no way on certain days I'm going out without him in a stroller because the impulse control isn't there. And if I go back to my job, I often think of this. My number one job is to keep my kids safe. This isn't some ways obvious, but in some ways isn't so obvious. We want our kids to be happy. We want our kids to become, that all can come after keeping our kids safe. And when our kids can't keep themselves safe, there's no more important job we have

than putting up boundaries, or having a type of container in essence to help our kids be safe with us. So what would this look like? Well, I would not go out with your son without having a plan in place to keep him safe. At this point, your son knows he's not inhibiting the impulse to run away. He knows he's not incredibly cautious. He knows I can't just walk next to my mom and not end up putting myself in a dangerous situation. What's actually terrifying to kids is when they watch their adults not make the decisions they need to make to keep

them safe. That actually is even more disregulating. It makes a child run away further. It feels really unsafe to a two-year-old to go outside, essentially thinking, my mom knows I could run away from her. Why does she keep letting this happen? This should not be happening in the first place. So what would I do? I would tell your child every single day before you go out. Here's what it's gonna look like when we go out. I'm going to be holding your hand or I'm going to be putting you in the stroller or I'm going to be carrying you when we walk from the car to the grocery store. Be very specific about what's going to happen. We're not asking permission.

We're not making a condition. Okay, well, if you listen getting on your shoes, then you could walk without holding my hand. No, there's no conditions for safety. We keep our kids safe and we tell them what we need to do to make that happen. We have to be the ones making these key decisions. Now, many kids, like your son, will protest.

They might even protest before, no, I want to walk alone. I won't run away from you. Here's what I'd say in response. Sweetie, I know you want to walk by yourself. I get that. My number one job is to keep you safe and right now, safety outside means holding your hand, means buckling

you into your stroller. This is not something that's up for discussion. One of the other things we'll do is we're going to practice walking together. We're going to practice having you nearby without holding my hand. We're going to do that inside of our house and we're going to do a little experiments. Today's not that day. Today's the day you're going to be buckled into your stroller. Now let's go back to family jobs, Mel.

Because I might also say to my son, I know that's not what you wanted. It's okay to cry when I'm buckling you into your stroller. Because what I'm doing there is I'm reminding myself of jobs. My kids allow to be upset. I'm still allowed to make the decision that keeps everyone safe.

Now, outside of that moment, I would practice. I'd practice around your house. I'd practice saying, oh, let's practice walking to your bedroom. Let's see how close you could be to me without running away, but also without holding hands. Oh, that's so tricky. Let's practice. I would build up practice.

I'd probably say something like, what? What happened if you wanted to run away? Ooh, let's pretend you want to run away. And instead, we're going to take a deep breath and you're going to grab my hand because that's something we'd have to do when we're actually on the street.

So I'm actually scaffolding the ability. I'm not telling my kid, well, you don't deserve to walk by yourself. I'm not adding shame. I'm not saying he's a bad kid. I'm looking at this like a skill deficit. I'm practicing building skills. When my kid is in a safe environment, while simultaneously showing my child, I'm not afraid of their protest.

I will always be the sturdy leader they need to actually keep them safe when we're outside our home. Let's hear from our next caller, Katrina. Hi, Dr. Becky. This is Katrina from Maryland. I have two children, a four and a half year old and a two and a half year old. I'm calling in because I've been struggling lately with some safety behavior, the first being wearing a helmet during, scootering around our driveway, and the other being unbuckling in the car.

Obviously those are two huge safety issues and I want to enforce the boundary, the safety boundary, but I also don't want to use stickers of a word, or yell, or shame. I've been following you for a while, and I try to emphasize, or hear why they might not be aware that I'll let it, or it's people, but it still needs to be done. And so I guess I'm just calling to hear if you have some phrases, some suggestions of how I can

help enforce the boundary in a Dr. Becky way. I guess I'm also wondering, do I say, you know, you can't ride a scooter if you don't ride a helmet and then, where do I have a scooter? So I'm kind of wondering what the process would look like to enforce it and obviously I'm just so tired from doing all the daily battles that it feels like which battle should I take on next. Thanks, Mr. Becky. Hi, Katrina.

Thank you so much for calling in and I appreciate this kind of dilemma. If I want to hold a boundary and I also want to respect what's going on for my kids. And I actually think when we ground ourselves again in I want to hold a boundary and I also want to respect what's going on for my kids. And I actually think when we ground ourselves again in family roles, we see how we can do both. I can hold a boundary very firmly and I can validate and empathize with what's going on

for my child. Those are two totally separate things. When I validate and empathize, that doesn't mean at all that I'm changing my boundary. I can do both. The first thing I would do is focus on conditions instead of convincing. What do I mean by that? We don't have to convince our kids why they should wear a helmet and scooter. We need to tell our kids the conditions for scootering. Here's the difference. You know, if you really want a scooter,

you got to wear a helmet thing, you could fall, and you could really hurt your head. I'm trying to convince my child. As opposed to sharing the conditions. Here's what you need to do to scooter in our house. You need to wear a helmet. Anything else? Nope, that's basically it. Right, those are the conditions.

I'm not invested in whether my kids scooters are not. I'm telling them what the conditions are for scootering. In fact, I might even sell that even more because one of the things coming up for me is I have a feeling your child is looking for opportunities to feel in control. That's when the reasons our kids resist so much. So I might say, here's the thing. I know you want a scooter. I see that. And for me, one of the rules in our house is that scootering requires a helmet. There's so many things you could be in charge of. That's just

not one of them because my job is to keep you safe. And for scootering, safety means wearing a helmet. Oh, whether you actually scooter or not, that's totally your decision. If you don't want to wear a helmet, no big deal. There's so many fun things you can do. You're a creative kid. I'm pretty sure you'll come up with other ideas. Now, what I'm doing there is I'm really selling the idea that I don't care whether my kid scooters are not.

I'm not trying to convince them. I'm giving them their control. I am just telling them what they need to do to choose that specific activity. I would also extend this idea of being in control by just looking for other ways to let your child feel in charge. Whenever I'm met with resistance over and over and over about safety concerns. I often think, huh, I need to get a little more creative in just giving my kid other opportunities to really feel like they're the decision maker. Because if they're filling that desire in other places, they're not going to resist these safety matters as often.

So one of the things I'll often do in my house is play the urine charge game. I'll even say, let's say to my son, oh, it's so hard to be a kid sometimes, isn't it? Do you ever feel like it's just like, oh, my parents make every decision, they decide on everything in my bedtime, in the helmet, in my bath, it's so annoying. How about urine charge for five minutes?

As long as you're telling me something that's safe, I have to do it. Oh, I guess this is kind of what it feels like to be a kid sometimes, huh? This should feel light, this should feel silly, right? And I remember a moment with my son, where he said, well, go take a shower. And I remember thinking, I don't want to take a shower

of the middle of the day, but it really gave me a taste of what it is like to be a kid. And having my child tell me something that I actually did resist before I did end up kind of listening to, it really changed this power dynamic. And I do think it helped the next time my child had to cooperate with a safety request I was making. When it comes to the unbuckling situation,

I think a similar approach can help. And what I add on is practicing those moments in advance. So here's what that might look like. I'd say to your child, staying buckled in the car is really important for being safe. If we're ever driving somewhere and you unbuckle, I'm going to pull to the side of the road. That's not going to be that fun for any of us. I know. And still, sweetie, my number one job is to keep you safe and safety means staying buckled. Now what about after that when it comes to practice?

I would wonder what is going on when your child is unbuckling. Is your child looking for attention? Is your child looking for attention? Is your child looking for something fun? And I actually think you can learn more about this by practicing. So I'd say, oh, sometimes it's tricky to stay buckled. I know, let's get into the car. And I'm gonna be in the driver's seat

and you're gonna be in the back seat and we're gonna kind of practice this. Because I know for me when something's hard, I try to practice it to keep learning a new way. So I'd get in the car with your son, I'd get in the car with your child, and then I'd actually turn around when buckled just in the driveway and say, oh, I wonder if you have that feeling of wanting to, oh, press the unbuckle. And then I'd brainstorm with your child. Hmm, what might help?

I wonder if it would help to put on a favorite song of yours. So then at least you know I'm kind of paying attention to you even though I'm looking ahead driving. Ooh, I wonder if we should do some silly ridiculous rhyming gamer down by the bay because maybe you're looking to feel silly and I know there's a way we can be silly and still feel safe.

So what I'm really doing there is I'm taking a moment where there's no stress because I'm in my driveway. I'm connecting with my child and I'm brainstorming about coping strategies that actually speak to the underlying wish or need. This is going to make it so much more likely that you'll be able to use one of these strategies effectively when you really need to in the moment of driving.

So I know Katrina, there are a lot of different things that we talked about here to give you a brief summary. Focus on conditions and not convincing. Look for other ways to help your child feel and charge, and practice in advance in low stress moments, these moments that end up turning into a power struggle when the stakes are a bit higher. And now our final caller, Emily. Hi, my name is Emily. I live in Chubby Chase, Maryland, and I have a 17-month-old daughter.

Recently, the car seat has become a huge battle with her, and I have tried all of the tips and tricks. And what I'm really struggling with is not feeling super anxious and triggered when she gets super upset when I try to get her into the car seat, particularly it's challenging feeling like I'm forcing her body to do something she doesn't want it to do. And I know sometimes we just have to explain to our kids that we have to do this to be safe, but it just is very hard to feel okay doing that in the moment, especially when it's a continuing trend over a number of days. I find myself worried that the negative association with it is compounding and that that's

going to be this pattern and trend that we're going to have to battle for a long time. So really appreciate any tips or tricks that you have. Everything you share online is incredibly helpful. But would love to hear any other things to help with supporting our kids in their own bodily autonomy while also

and giving them to understand that we need to keep them safe in certain situations. Hi Emily, thank you so much for calling in with this. And my first reaction is that you sound incredibly thoughtful and like you really want to do well by your daughter. So I just want to start by noting that what comes to mind are two sets of strategies one for in the moment and one for outside of the moment. When our kids are really struggling or really protesting or having a hard time, we need strategies to get both of us through those moments. Usually those strategies just help us survive. They don't actually change anything or build new skills because we end up learning only when we feel safe

and we don't feel safe, and our kids don't feel safe as they're screaming and crying. So let's go over strategies for both categories. In the moment, I would share words like this with your daughter. This doesn't feel good. I know. In the moment, I would share words like this with your daughter. This doesn't feel good. I know.

Or, I know this feels so bad, so bad, so so bad, or even make it more concrete. This feels this bad and open your arms so wide, even bigger. It feels like the biggest, bad feeling. What am I doing there? I'm seeing my child. And through my words, but even more my tone, I'm connecting with this painful feeling. I'm not leaving my child alone in the distress. Kids can have distress.

That isn't traumatizing to a child. What feels really bad to kids, to adults as well, is feeling ignored and alone in our distress. And you are doing the complete opposite as you connect to her. I also find for myself, when my child is having such a hard time, and I say things like, I know this doesn't feel good, or I know this feels really bad, those words speak to me too because

it feels bad to me to be doing something with my child that's leading to these tears. So those words really serve multiple functions. Now what can we do outside this moment? The first thing I would do is put this situation into pretend play. I would in your car, even better if you have some kind of pretend car. Take a teddy bear and around your child. Say, Teddy has to go in the car, see, and then maybe say, as the Teddy, oh no, I don't want to, don't want to. And then I'd probably put my hands out and say to my child, what should we do? Teddy has to be safe, Teddy doesn't wanna go in.

Hmm, now I know your child is 17 months. I don't expect your child to offer some profound insight. We're not actually saying what should we do to get an idea? We're modeling this whole process to show our child that these things are normal. That people have a hard time. That we understand the struggle because we're showing it in play where our child can actually notice it. They're not activated themselves. This is so powerful to a kid and then maybe I'd go a step further. Teddy, take a deep breath. I know you don't like to go in the car seat.

My job is to keep you safe, so I'm going to buckle you in. It's okay if you cry. I'm speaking to the Teddy. I think we all know. I'm really speaking to my child. What else might I do outside the moment? I'd practice it not only in pretend play, but actually with your child. I'd say, it's so hard to go in a car seat. Let's pretend. Let's pretend we have to go. And on the way, both of us can say, um, safe. Um, safe. I might even add it because I don't want to put on my seatbelt sometimes either and

went, I don't want to, I remind myself, I'm safe. I'm safe. Meanwhile, I do that walking to the car. I wouldn't go anywhere. I wouldn't turn on the car. I'm showing my child we're just practicing. So what I'm doing here outside of the moment is I'm normalizing the struggle,

I'm connecting to my child, and I'm building a skill. When both my body is calm and my child's body is calm, because this is how we increase the likelihood that the skill can actually be accessed when our child starts to get upset. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, let's think about family jobs.

It's so important in any system, definitely in a family system, to be able to state clearly what my job is and what my child's job is. Parents have three main jobs, boundaries, validation, and empathy. Kids have a job too. Their job is to feel and express and experience their feelings. Two, we don't have to convince anyone about our boundaries. We can state what our boundaries are, and we can empathize with people's feelings about our boundaries.

But remember, we don't need anyone else's approval. Just their cooperation. Three, practice this line today. My number one job is to keep you safe and right now safety means, and then there's a blank. You can film this blank with whatever boundary you're enforcing. It could be holding on to you while we cross the street, or taking you off the windowsill, or separating you from your brother. If words like these are new for you, try saying them in front of a mirror.

Notice how it feels to embody your authority. It's okay if it feels awkward or uncomfortable. That's a sign you're doing something new, and new is a sign of change. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in There were so many things I didn't have a chance to cover that I want to share. Strategies for helping your kid when they're out of control, when they're hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, and so many strategies to help our kids build the skills they don't have so you can have fewer of these moments in the first place. This is exactly what I get into in my conquering problem behaviors workshop. You can access that workshop and

many others at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At GoodInside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at Good Inside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive

produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you