Good Inside with Dr. Becky - An Unfiltered Look at Thirteen

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Being thirteen today is a pretty different experience than when we were thirteen. But there is one important similarity. Thirteen is when kids usually get their first taste of freedom. Dr. Becky is joined by journalist Jessica Bennett, teenager London, and her mother Dekeda to talk about what it's like being a thirteen-year-old girl today and what it's like to parent one in this age of phones and social media.To check out the interactive Being 13 piece visit https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2023/09/20/well/family/13-year-old-girls-social-media-self-esteem.html?unlocked_article_code=1.AE0.SnzD.S4yAAx4YWsup&smid=url-shareJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/40GrwqcFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by KiwiCo: We’re approaching the holidays and gift-giving is one more thing on parents’ overwhelming holiday to-do list. But it's time to let go of some of your tasks and make room for fun. And KiwiCo can help - because it is the gift that truly keeps on giving. Why? KiwiCo will send your kid a fun project every month - perfect for cold weekend days when you’re not sure how to pass the time! Plus, KiwiCo crates are designed to build life-long skills through fun hands-on projects - so as your kid is creating, they’re also building resilience, confidence, and self-trust. Unwrap hands-on fun with KiwiCo. Get your first month FREE on ANY crate line at kiwico.com/drbecky.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. So assuming you're not driving a car right now, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes as we start this. And remember what you were like at age 13. You might have been in eighth grade, probably the last year of middle school. Who was your best friend? What song did you play 10,000 times? And where did you go to feel free? I used to not be able to be dropped off like I had to be like monitors but being dropped off

and like left there with like my own money and like being able to just walk around and have the funky set so I know know what to do or not to do. That feeling of freedom I had at 13 when I got dropped off with my friends at a shopping mall to walk around for hours, unshaparoned, isn't that far off from the three young women whose lives were being chronicled for a piece in the New York Times, called Being Thirteen? Joining me is the former thirteen, now fourteen-year-old named London, her mom, Dekita, and journalist Jessica Bennett, for a conversation about what being thirteen feels like now. We'll be back right after this.

Is Santa real? Who brings all these presents? Why does Santa bring my friends so many more presents than Santa brings me? Hey, do you believe in Santa? Here's something I know about all of us. We don't want to lie to our kids. And we want our kid to be in on fun and magic. So how do we talk to our kids about Santa or other things in this category like the tooth fairy? I break this all down down to the exact words to share in my crash course is Santa real. how to talk to your child about Santa. It's now available within Good Inside Membership.

Head to Good Inside dot com to learn more and to take advantage of our 30-day money back guarantee. Chaska, you know what? I realized I would like you to introduce me to Dekita and London. Can you give a little background on you, your relationship with them and them maybe facilitate this introduction? Yeah, for sure. So, when we were thinking about wanting to do this project, we put out this call where anyone could submit and say basically, I'm a 13 year old and I would be comfortable

letting a reporter inside my life and inside my phone. And you can imagine that that can feel pretty intrusive and intimate. And so we got hundreds of submissions and London's was one of them. And we just in particularly felt like she was really real. London's gonna think this is all cringe that I'm saying this. But it just felt like London, your responses to the questions were like kind of just telling it how it was. Like you weren't

beating around the bush, you were pretty open, you talked about conflicts, you were really honest about how sometimes it was hard and people don't really get what it's like to be a teenager. And then Dekita is obviously amazing, but she is also very open. And I have known her work from her autism blog and community that she runs and I think, I mean, clearly daughter gets it from other because you two are like real talk really willing to get into it, be open, like that's sort of your brand and how you live your life and so the two of you together opening up your lives to me, it was amazing that you were willing to let me into some of these really intimate moments

that at times could be uncomfortable, I think. Yeah. Okay, there's so many different questions I have. Vigiasca, just staying with you for a minute or two. What did you want to write about? Like what were you looking for? I mean, I am always fascinated with teenagers. Like, I like here with their up to. I feel like they create the slang and the language that we all try to mimic, even if sometimes they're copying the trends that we created in the 90s. Sorry sorry London, they are the ones making it cool again.

And I think that they lead trends in a lot of ways. So I'm always fascinated by teenagers. And I think my teen years are the age that I can most distinctly remember. And it's weird as someone now in her early 40s that I can really picture what I felt like at age 13 and age 14. And so we started this project wanting to know what it was like to be 13 at a time when you are legally allowed to join social media, but also at the same time that for girls,

in particular, self-confidence and self-esteem tends to really plummet when compared to their male peers. And so for me as someone who's covered gender issues and women's issues for a long time and issues of girls, I wanted to really try to understand what that intersection could look like in the day today. Anything surprised you while you were working on it? Anything you uncovered?

I mean, to some degree, I think like where you started this conversation, the feeling of freedom, like there are a lot of similarities between how we experience girlhood and teen years with what's happening today, like finding your identity, figuring out who you are, figuring out your place in the social hierarchy and like who your friends are and who you can trust and what your interests are. Like all of those things I think are really similar now as they were then and doing all of this at the same time that your hormones are raging. You're going through puberty, like your body is changing, your brain is changing and it creates this

kind of heightened sensitivity to all things. But what's different today, of course, is that all of this is happening with a phone and with a potential audience at all times. So I don't know that anything super surprised me, but I really felt like it was so valuable seeing it through the eyes of the girls. Yeah. Okay, London, we're talking about being 13 and friendships and like we're all remembering that part of our 13-year-old year right, being able to go out with your friends apart from your parents. You and your friends, London, when you say, hey, let's hang out. Like, what does that mean? What will probably happen? Right, I'm guessing it's not going to them all,

like I did. Maybe this. We usually, if it's hang out, just hang out. Usually it's like, you go over to the house and you just score and talk, and not speak into your brother. And then you laugh every like maybe 10 minutes and show each other to talk. And I do that with my phone too. Like we'll just be sitting there and silence

on to talk and then we'll like see, only like, look at what I sent you. It's quite, but it's just like having the company there is what makes it fun. Yeah. What do you feel like adults don't understand about kind of social media or kids and social media? I think maybe the importance of it because it doesn't seem like it's anything important about it, but I have actually learned a lot. Maybe it's a term don't we've got things in the internet, but there's a lot that I've learned from like, to talk and stuff. And it's not always something like major,

but it's actually important, like things to do when you're being followed or something like that. But the things that I've learned on to talk about, I probably wouldn't have known about if I was an orange. But. And you said it's really important. So it's important for learning. But it also sounds like a really interwoven part of your social life. I don't know.

What would happen? Does this happen? You're sitting with friends and someone's like, my parents don't let me go and tick-tock. And are they just kind of watching you? Or are you like, yeah, Becky, that doesn't even happen. All my friends are on it. Like, what would that be like? Like, if one of my friends didn't have to talk? Yeah.

Well, that was me two weeks ago, because I haven't filmed Take In A Way. I was just used to it a week ago. So at lunch, I hadn't been able to talk for two whole weeks. at lunch, I hadn't been on this talk for two whole weeks. And I was at lunch and I was just lost to talk on my friends, like I'll be over the shoulder watching TikTok, or I'll just be talking. And it's really like, it's kind of cool to me though, because I saw how my things, like my feed and my free page is way different from theirs, huh?

And it's like, was more so, obviously girly stuff. And then there, like for you feed was like sports and like stuff that I learned with watching. And so if someone isn't on, you feel like they might just, are they missing out? I guess that's my question. Like are they missing out on what people end up talking about at lunch or kind of what people are laughing about? I just think about myself walking around the mall. I don't remember exactly what I'd be talking about. But we were sharing a story.

That's what friends do. You share in a journey or you're talking about a topic together or you're like, hey, did you see this movie? Oh, I saw that movie and then you're talking about that movie. And so I'm just wondering, teenagers who, you know, aren't on social media, what is that like socially, right? Because I think I can speak for some parents and there's this struggle.

This is not a push to say, I'll kid to be on social media for this reason, but there's this struggle parents have, okay? Well, do I want my kid to be on it? What would make that safe? And right on the other hand, oh, my kid gonna feel left out, are they gonna not be part of the conversation?

It's so important at 13, right? We're saying to feel part of a social life. So I'm just curious from your perspective, what kind of data you have, London. It's definitely something they're gonna miss out on, but I could live without it, so they probably can too. And a lot of the conversations now, like depending on what grade you're in, like if you're actually

13, you're missing out a lot, but if you're younger than, hmm, not much, but the conversations and most definitely the jokes, because like there's these sounds I'll take to talk about, like you'll hear and then like, of course, you're like, repeat it because it's funny. And then you're just staying there like, what? It's like, some people may not get the joke because they're not on TikTok. So like, if you're missing out on that, then you're going to be missing out on a lot more than just like the conversation. Yeah. And the dance is too, right? Yeah.

Yeah. DeKita, what were some of your initial worries when London joined TikTok? And have those worries kind of proven to be true? Are you worried about different things now? Are you just not worried? You worried more? I'm definitely worried still.

That's still a thing. But my initial worry was mental health. We take time and energy into London's mental health and making sure that she has great emotional intelligence and that she's good. Like I don't care about everything else as long as she's good. That's what matters. So in the beginning, I just wanted to make sure that she understood what the purpose of social media was and that she understood that if there was something that was harming

her mentally, that didn't make her feel good, that made her feel bad about herself, that she did not follow. Because it's all about the algorithm. It's all about whatever you like, you want to see more of. And so I was very concerned about that and the fact that I can't hover and watch her, you know, what she consumes. Second was, you know, London's a gorgeous girl. She's very smart, she's very funny. And I just, my fear was like dirty older people trying to get in her DMs and like send pictures

and stuff like that. But we have a very open relationship. And from the jump, I told her her like if you receive any dick pics literally you need to let me know. Like those are inappropriate, that shouldn't be happening. The other thing that concerned me was just the, I think why her to be influenced and feel like she's not pretty because these girls on social media

with their filters and they're, you know, all of the witchcraft that they do to present themselves in a way, I wanted her to understand filters and like, you know, this isn't real. You know this house that these people are in, that's like a rented house. Like, I felt like I had to really over-explain things so she would know that TikTok and social media is like a veil to everything else. So that was what I was worried about before.

That did shift because her usage of TikTok is like she's not posting, even though she's able to post. And we have like a whole contract that we went through as far as her posting ability and things like that. She doesn't post often. And when she does post, it's just like every now and then she shares a lot of videos with me that are educational.

She sends me food like people do TikTok meals and half of the stuff that I cook these days are like from a TikTok that either she sent me or I found on my own. So my worries right now are more so on the usage and of being able to tell yourself I need to take a break. I've talked to London about her usage and she said earlier that she could do without it. I was surprised to hear that, but that's another story.

But I just really wanna make sure that London is currently that she's giving herself breaks and that she's managing that time on social media. How do you actually manage that? Like, does it shut off? Like, I know there are these apps you can like add that like your kid just has a limit and it's done or you, I don't know.

Do you say please try to have an alarm go off after this many minutes or how does that actually work between the two of you? There are apps like that. We have not utilized them yet. Currently, what we do is I let her manage it. And I will check her sometimes, I say, oh, you haven't put your phone down, you know, don't make me tell you to put it down. Make sure you manage that on your own. London knows that in the mornings,

she's not allowed to be on social media or on her phone in general when she's getting ready for school because things happen like this morning, missing the bus. We also have like when she's doing her homework, she can't be on. And when she's at school, she can only be on it lunch. So we have our deal. And if I feel that she's not able to manage that herself, then I will have to actually put the limitations on the phone that like shut the app off. But I don't think I ever have to do that because she's pretty level headed. And she knows when it's going down that path

where she needs to get her acts together. So we're approaching the holidays, and if you're like me, you're soon going to be thinking, what do I get my kids? And what do I tell other family members to get them? Gift giving is one more thing on parents overwhelming holiday to do list.

Well, I have a little reframe here. I want to give you permission to let go of some of your tasks and make room for fun. This can actually be a really hard part of parenting, but every single time I push myself to lead with lightness and join my kids in play, something good happens. And KiwiCo can help with this too, because it's truly the gift that keeps on giving. Why? KiwiCo will send your kid a fun project every month, perfect for cold weekend days when you're not sure how to pass the time. Plus, KiwiCo crates our design to build lifelong skills through fun hands-on projects. So as your kid is creating,

they're also building resilience, confidence, and self-trust. Unwrap hands-on fun with KiwiCo. Get your first month free on any crateline at KiwiCo.com-slash-doctorbecky. That's your first month free at kiwico.com-slash-dr-b-e-c-k-y. B-E-C-K-Y. To get in, I want to ask you one more question. It's just coming up now. The way you're talking about social media and managing it is like it really does feel from the place of number one, respecting London, feeling like she's a good kid who wants to make good decisions. Like you guys are a team against the problems social media could bring, right?

Versus your on one team in London is on the other team, which can happen a lot, I think, when you're parenting teens. You like, forget, wait, we're actually on the same team. Is that similar to the ways in which you would approach things with her and rules and boundaries? I'm just curious, is that consistent with when she was a toddler or when she was in elementary school and you were just approaching rules or boundaries about totally different things? That's consistent with us. I say that I like to break generational things.

You know, I tell 11 all the time. You can always ask me questions. If I say you can't do something, you can ask me why. If you, as long as it's respectable, as long as you are coming to me with a level head and with common sense, we can always have a conversation. I'm never gonna say because I said, so like that's, I'm not parenting like that.

When it comes to things, London, she looks at me as a strict parent. And so she will tell me like, why other friends can do these things and my other friends can do those things. But what I always share with her is that you're not going to see this now, but the reason why you can't is because ABC. I also tell her that you have to have milestones to look ahead to, to look forward to. London has a lot of 13-year and 14 year old friends who are doing things

that I wasn't even doing but I was 16 and she understands like she still has stuff to look forward to. There are still things that she's able to say when I turn this age or that age, I can have a boyfriend, I can wear a full face to make up if I want, I can stay on the phone on that. You know these are things she can look forward to, but I've always, the way I raised London, it was always on, hey, this is what we're gonna do, this is the reason behind it, and you always have a say in the matter, no matter what. London, does that feel true to you?

In terms of it sounds like, you know, yeah, what is, I wanna know the words underneath that face. I mean, yeah, but like, no, because there's some cases where it's like, I don't feel like that. Just because like, my friends, some of them do do a lot of things that like, are very not 15, 14 year old activities. Like what? Like going to places

that are not meant for 14 or 15 year olds. Like bars? Like lounge restaurants. So like those So, like, those type of things are just, that's one thing. But, like, you know, the whole social media and, like, on the phone, that stuff, I'm just, I know, I kind of feel differently about it. Just because like sometimes when my friends will do things, like I will always look at the video picture, but sometimes if I feel like the bigger picture is just not, then I'll probably say something. Because sometimes if it's like an example, be like maybe going somewhere or like some of my friends or like all of my friends basically

They can like go places. They obviously have to ask but like not much of like how much I have to and like do and so That situation I kind of feel is very different and that's what I'm complaining about Mm-hmm. Is there a part of you? I'm just curious. And answer totally honestly, because it's probably going to be an eye roll and a no. But is there a part of you, London,

that with those extra maybe steps you have to take or regulations? I know a party's like that's annoying. I just want to do more like my friends. Is there a part of you if in Fitzmall, that feels, I don't know, like cared for or protected? Even if you're also annoyed or like, no, not really, it's just annoying. Yes and no, it's too, I feel protected,

but not just protected over protected. So it's like Britney Spears song. Like sooner or later I'm gonna have to be set free and it's like I'm gonna have to deal with it later on. So if I'm experienced it young I won't have to, I already know like if something's wrong or like, we're gonna have to do it later, I already know what to do because I already dealt with it. And instead of all that once, when I have to go like into the real world, well, let's like a real thing, but like the real world,

when I have to actually go there, I'm actually gonna know what is like wrong from right and know how to deal with it, not just, this is wrong, this is right, and you're gonna have to deal with it when you do, or when you're allowed. So it's like, that's the part. It's just like, maybe too over. Like the other day, just. Yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah. So I will say that as an observer, as a fly in the wall of this mother, daughter duo, for the last year, I do say that as an observer, as a fly in the wall of this mother daughter duo for the last year, I do think that London has learned some really important skills due to her mother's strictness such as negotiation. I don't know if we described here the way that London convinced her mom that she should be allowed on TikTok, but involved a very researched and well thought out and somewhat elaborate case like she would make in front of a judge. For all the reasons why she was going to do it in a way that was healthy, all the ways

that Dekita could maintain some control while also giving London some independence. And then turning those things into a point-by-point contract that they wrote out and both of them signed and then placed on, I believe, the refrigerator door. And then one hilarious thing that happened was as soon as the article came out and London turned 14. She said, what did she say, Dikita? She was like, actually, now that I'm 14. She was already negotiating for her ex-pribligates. Yeah, she's like, so Instagram and I'm like, what? No, wait a minute, you just got on TikTok. What are you talking about? Oh my gosh. But it was pretty convincing, honestly. And I think, Dikita, you're not an easy person

to convince necessarily. No, I was impressed. I'ma be honest with you. I was impressed because she knew what my concerns would be. And we were on vacation on the beach. And she's like, so I'm about, like, it was like a lawyer in a court woman. I'm like, who are you?

Like, where'd you come up with this? But for the most part, when just to go back to London's point about being left out and not knowing what's going on in the trans on TikTok, I allowed London to actually have a ghost account on TikTok, and so she would know the dances, and she would know what her friends were talking about, even if she wasn't allowed to pose,

because I do feel like 13 is such an important age and I didn't want her to be like, what's that joke you guys are saying? And what's this dance you're doing? She's very social. I didn't want her to miss out on that aspect. So when it was time to go, when she hit 13, I'm like, all right, the floodgates are open.

Go ahead, you're up. But she was really convincing in her argument. So I couldn't deny that. Well, I think that is though such an important part of the process, instead of just yes or no, right? By having the teenager kind of take ownership of thinking, okay, what are the concerns? What are my parents concerns were in this together?

We're on the same team. Okay, well, how would I speak to that? How would I explain that? What safeguards do I even suggest putting in place? So we're both more comfortable. Now instead of kind of, quote, rules being dictated to a teenager, the teenager is authoring those things themselves. It's a lot harder to resist rules when you've co-authored those rules.

harder to resist rules when you've co-authored those rules. And so I think that's such a powerful kind of approach to getting everyone on the same page. Agreed. London, I'm curious, you know, as we all started talking about when we were 13 and our friendships came up, I see the way social media lives in your friendships. You kind of watch things together, you send things, dances, things like that. Has it had an impact on friendships? Like do you feel like it in a positive way, in a sometimes negative way? No. Like there's never really been like social media drama that had to deal with like me, but like my friends maybe but it's never affected like my friends

relationship and stuff because it's just not something where like you can throw shade on social media of course, but like never or something where it's Really talking about someone because if they talk about someone out of their seat your face Don't say over text or they'll say it to your face, they'll say it over text, or they'll say it to their friends, and then their friends will tell you. So none of my friendships have been affected by social media because we also just keep our business to ourselves because we know how we can get. So I think that maybe other people, depending on how open they are with their business, to others, especially people that like to stir things up,

that really will affect your friendships and stuff. Jessica, is that what you found in your research? Is similar to what London says? It just depends on the kid and the nature of their relationships. Well, London, you read the other stories. I think London actually has done probably a better job than some of the other girls at keeping friend drama out of the phone.

But if that's the way you're communicating, I mean, it's impossible. Like, we have adult friend drama that plays out over our phones. And there are times when I've said things over text message that I wouldn't feel comfortable saying to someone's face. But I don't know. I think that a couple of the other girls really had a lot of stuff play out over the phone

or stuff that played out in real life that then transferred onto the phone. But then, once it's in digital form, it's like you can screenshot. That screenshot can be posted to a different platform. That different platform can then be screenshoted and taken out of context. You know, something mean that somebody says to you, if it were to your face, you'd be hurt, but maybe you could brush it off. Maybe a few days later, it would feel less potent. But when you've got a receipt for it, and you can look back on the receipt and keep ruminating over it, it feels pretty bad.

So I do think, and it's not just teens, but teens are going through it and feeling all of the feelings, that it can feel enhanced and be almost super sized when some of us playing out digitally. Yeah. DeKita, what have you seen? Is that consistent? Yes, absolutely. But I wanted to add something that London went through that, you know, she's really good about keeping the drama at bay in general across the board with her friendships. And she shares a lot with me and

I'll say like, oh don't go and say that to anybody else because people are gonna talk and then it's gonna get that you know so I'll kind of give little reminders along the way but the only issue with social media that impacted London was somebody she was on FaceTime with someone and they took a did a screen record or took a screenshot and it was London's hair wasn't done you know she had just woke up she's on FaceTime with this friend. They're having a regular conversation. And that person took that, and I don't know if they posted it or sent it to a bunch of friends, but there's this, this photo of London or the screen grab of London going around.

You know, the crusty photo as she calls it, and she's like, I cannot believe this crusty photos falling around. And I said, why do y'all scream record each other? Like these teens, while they're on FaceTime, they scream record portions of the conversation. And I'm like, you don't need that. Like that can do nothing good. There's nothing good that comes from that. So that's like the most that I've seen come from anything.

But as far as her peers are concerned, she's right. Like, there's not a lot of phone drama. Everything is in person. It's something that's done in person. So we don't see that on social media. Yeah. We're talking about being 13. London, you're no longer 13, is that right?

I'm young 14 now. So you're 14. You started high school. Is that different? Does it feel really different from quote middle school life? Does it feel like, yeah, just an extension of the same thing? I know we talked about for all of us 13 year old middle school feels like this sudden start to independence. You've settled into that a little bit more your 14 on high school. What's different? It is very different from middle school. Your classes matter a lot more.

The work is different. The people are different. Not many people care as much as they need. It's great, because it was such a small bunch of people. So everyone knows in everyone's business, if you saw someone walking away, and they're like, oh my gosh, are they dating? You'll be something big.

But now everyone's just to themselves no one really cares about things because there's a lot of different looking people that's cool so no one cares everyone's to themselves and drama is just always gonna be there though. All right Jessica I feel like I'm listening to London speak. London, Dekita, like what strikes me is no one's figured out this, you know, time period. No one has like the code for this is exactly how you manage social media. This is exactly how you manage those 1314 Odeers. The two of you have so many amazing elements you do, the openness, the collaboration. I think it sounds like there was a history of that

before you entered this stage, which is really, really helpful too. I'm curious, Jessica, I'm guessing you've seen a range of things. Like, what are, you feel like the biggest kind of challenges that maybe not London even specifically, but that you do see kind of, you know, 13, 14 year old girls facing. I mean, I think everything feels like the biggest thing

ever to have ever happened, you know? So it's like an argument with a friend that might blow over in a couple of weeks and is very typical of teen years, feels like it is everything. And a grade that you can approve upon, but it comes to your phone via a series of push notifications, which is something that I did not know before reporting this story was a thing that happened every single little quiz

gets pushed to your phone as a notification. So you're like sitting there trying to do your homework and then you see that actually your science grade has gone down a couple of percentage points that would make me absolutely anxious. So that can feel like everything. And I think feelings are big and that is totally normal. That is literally what your brain is doing at this age. And what the researchers and the neuroscientists will tell you is that, you know, your brain's not going to be developed. The part of your brain that deals in impulse control and decision making, that's going to take a decade more to be fully developed.

So it absolutely makes sense that if you're a teenager and your hormones are raging and you're on social media and your brain is not equipped to deal with some of the strength of the feelings you're experiencing when your anxiety is rising and you might be feeling depressed, it's a lot. And so I guess, you know, what I will say is that each of the parents in this project dealt in different ways and we're sort of fumbling their way through trying to figure it out, but I do think that the openness that Dikita and London have where they can talk about what they're seeing, you know, like, yeah, there is misinformation. There is curated filters that are totally faking or are going to make you feel bad about yourself.

Like, there is ways that the algorithm targets you in a negative way. And we do know that the more time kids spend on social media, the worse they often tend to feel about themselves. So that doesn't mean don't look at it ever, but talking openly about what you see, what you see there. I think seems like it's working working for y'all anyway. All right, London, I'm gonna end with you. Let's say you have a 13 year old daughter right now. Would you let her go on social media? And if you could only offer her one, two,

three pieces of advice for how to navigate it, what would they be? Um, yes. And I would tell her probably like, the one that I got, don't believe everything you see. And the second one would probably, who would make those agreements and stuff? But telling her that it's okay to be like

Not feeling the best like if you're in bed and You just don't look the best and then you see someone who's like all dressed up and stuff. It's okay to not feel like As confident in yourself as you would want to be but just just don't let it really get to you, because you can always get up and get ready. And the last one was probably, ooh, I love life on just send me videos. I wouldn't be too harsh about it, just to see like because

If it's me being harsh and she like just got it Then it's gonna like she's not gonna want to tell me anything. Yeah, so I would let her do her and then if Since I'm like back and off maybe maybe I'll ask her questions like, like, really has to read you have for us. And she tells me then we can go from there. But let her do her. And then if something comes up and she tells me about it,

then that would just expand the relationship more. Cause like she's coming to itself. That would be it. I think that that piece of sharing videos with your parents, like letting your parents be a part of it and not to lecture you, just like have a sense of your world. I think that is so important. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com.

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and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianna and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Panico and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you