Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Are Tantrums Normal?

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

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So use code goodinside15 at parallel.co. That's p-e-r-e-l-e-l.co Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Goodinside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside.

Today we're going to talk about tantrums. I have received so many voice messages from all of you about tantrums and tantrums are a major topic in my private practice. Tantrums happen to be a major topic in my own house, meaning they happen often. And all of this data tells me that tantrums are really normal. Tantrums are a part of normal, healthy childhood. There's so many things we're gonna talk about today, but here's kind of a big idea I often think about

around tantrums. Almost always, tantrums happen in a moment when our child wants something and something or someone, often us, gets in their way of getting it. Wanting something and not having it is so hard. And I don't even mean it's so hard just for kids. I mean, I think if we're all honest with ourselves, that is so hard for us.

Here's something else really important when it comes to tantrums. We want to preserve access to desire. That's a big idea, so let me explain. So many of us have lost our access to our desire, meaning what we want by the time or adults. Likely because our strong desires were shut down so harshly when we were young because they were inconvenient or off-putting to others. One of the things I really, really want to

teach my kids is that the problem isn't that they want things for themselves. It's healthy. It's good to want things for yourself. The struggle is learning to manage what you want and maybe don't yet have or even cannot have, but the goal here is to help our kids learn to manage their strong desires, not get rid of them. So with that in mind, let's jump in. Our first caller is Liz, who has a question about her three-year-old daughter. Hi, my name is Liz and I live just north of Boston, Massachusetts, and I have two kids, a daughter who is just over three and a half, and she'll be four in April, and a son

who is almost eight months old next week. So we're kind of like in the thick of just chaos. We were both working parents, working from home with the pandemic and our kids go to a daycare preschool place all in one. My daughters and preschool and my sons and daycare. What we struggle with the most is honestly my daughter, not even the baby, but the toddler. The baby sleeps better and behaves better, believe it or not, than the toddler. And I think what my husband and I most struggle with is what is normal three-year-old behavior and what are potential red flags? So she'll have an absolute complete,

total epic meltdown over, you know, we cut a banana in half, or these socks don't feel good. Or she has a baby doll and she wants to get him dressed in his clothes look too big today. Or something, it's like the most absolutely insane epic meltdown. What do we just explain away as normal behavior versus what is kind of a problem?

Hi, Liz. Thank you so much for calling. And my body right now can remember all the times I've been with my kids when they've had huge tantrums over seemingly tiny things. And so I'm right there with you as we're talking about this. There's some key things I want to talk about that kind of form the frame in which we see a tantrum.

And actually the framework with which we understand tantrum has the biggest impact because it determines what types of strategies and interventions we'll even think of. So a couple main ideas. First, tantrums are normal. I would even go so far as to say tantrums are healthy. And the fact that you're saying your toddler is in some ways tougher than your baby, this makes a lot of sense to me.

When our kids get into toddlerhood, they develop a deep sense of what they want. And yet they get no a lot. They can't have ice cream for breakfast. They can't have every single block when they're playing with a friend. And so to want something strongly and not be able to get that, that's one of the more difficult human experiences at any age. So two, three, four, five year olds, of course, they have a hard time dealing with these moments. Tantrums in my mind, right? Tantrums are biological states of dysregulation. Tantrums are not willful acts of disobedience. And that to me is key. So what do I really

mean by that? Tantrums are moments where kids are overwhelmed by the feelings and sensations in their body. And even literally picture this right now, feelings, sensations that are really uncomfortable and they're bubbling up and they're bubbling up and then guess what happens when kids feel overwhelmed by them. They explode out like a volcano and when that happens, it comes out in our fingers, in our hands, in our legs, in our mouth, in screams, in hits. It's a child's way of saying, I am overwhelmed by everything happening inside of me. These feelings are scary to me. Please help me feel safe again. Tantrums happen so often because our kids, especially in Totherhood,

they want and they feel and get their not at all able to regulate, meaning manage those wants and feelings. And that gap looks like a tantrum. Another really important thing to keep in mind is that whatever sets a child off isn't actually the thing that the child is upset about. And I think this happens to us all the time as well. Right? The other day I had an awful start to my morning. I spilled my coffee, my kids came in and I made them breakfast and they said, why would you make me that? I don't even like that. Right?

Just everything felt bad. Then I heard my husband yell they said, why would you make me that? I don't even like that, right? Just everything felt bad. Then I heard my husband yell, hey, why don't you get toilet paper at the store? And I lost it. I don't think I was really upset about the toilet paper. It set off the built up frustration and disappointment and just overall distress in my body and tantrums for kids,

even about something seemingly minor, operate with that same principle. So let's turn a lot of these ideas into strategies. Number one, I think one of the most powerful things we can do with tantrums in actually almost at any stage with our kids is notice the question is this normal and turn it into the following question, what is going on for my child and what does my child need? Are tantrums normal? Is this normal? Is that normal? For me, I can't ask that question without getting very anxious

and it doesn't end up being productive versus what's going on for my child in this moment of a tantrum and what does my child need. Now, what my child needs really relates in my mind to a parent's job during a tantrum. A parent's job during a tantrum is to keep our body calm and keep our kids safe. This is key. My job as a parent isn't to end a tantrum. It's to keep my body calm and my child's safe. That means I won't let my child throw things across the room.

I won't let my child's safe. That means I won't let my child throw things across the room. I won't let my child hit me. And then keeping myself calm and to me, what's key to do that is reminding yourself my child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time and coupling that with putting a hand on your heart, taking a deep breath and reminding yourself you can get through this. I think there's gonna be a couple other things we talk about today that are going to add on to this and give you other strategies that will also end up

being helpful in your home, so keep listening. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP We have a new caller. Let's hear from Susie. Hi, my name is Susie. I live in the UK and I've got two daughters, two and a half and five years old. This morning my youngest woke up around quarter to five. Said she wanted to put it. She took it to the bathroom, she wouldn't go on the potty and then I used the bathroom and she lost it, she got so upset. And I in turn was trying to get her to stay quiet because it's quarter to five, I don't want to wake up the other child and my husband and that only made it worse. The more I tried to get her to stay quiet, the louder she got, the louder I got, and no one was happy.

I got so frustrated. It was one of those total moments where whatever you do, like you pick up the wrong fork or you touch the door, I touched a bedroom door and then she lust it again. Like what do you do when I know it's irrational and I know she's too and being too is fine. But what do you do when it's it's it can't be that noisy it's that early she wanted to change her job as well I have to change her job as because if I didn't change her job as she blew it again it's that frozen on the floor she saw upset nothing can make it better lose in it and I got angry and I got on stage being quiet, you know. What do you do? How do you keep it cool? How do you make it better? We've appeared, you're struggling with me now, but how do you make it better? Hi Susie, thank you so much for sharing this difficult moment with all of us. So here's all I want to begin. I heard you ask over and over,

how do I make this better? How can I make this better? And I don't know what I'm about to say is going to be very disappointing or very relieving or some combination of both. I don't know, and I really mean that. How do you make a situation better when at 4.45 in the morning,

the fact that you went to the bathroom sets off a massive tantrum from your child who doesn't seem to be able to accept anything to help her calm down. I don't think anyone has the answer to this and I'll come right out and say, I don't. What I do have is something else, which is reminding myself with my own kids in these moments. There are some moments we can thrive and there are some moments we just need to survive. And when you were telling me that story, I just kept thinking, survive it, survive it, survive it. Hopefully without making it too much worse, but there's not much I can do to make it better.

I'm waiting it out. And I'm going to get to that point that I can finally take a deep breath or cry or take a nap or call a friend or tell myself, wow, that was a really rough start to the day. I'm a good parent. I have a good kid. We made it through that. Right? Some emotional fires.

We have to remind ourselves. We can't make the fire go away. We can try to contain it. But we're not changing the situation because it really is just as messy as it seems. And that struck me over and over that what is in front of you is a kid who's just losing it, who's having a hard time. And to me, what I try to think in those moments is some version of being present and surrendering. This is not how I wanted to start my morning. This is probably going to how she wanted to start her morning. Either I'm going to try

to stay here, I'm going to try to remind myself, I'm a good parent, and I have a good kid. This is a really hard start to my morning and at some point this is going to end. That's really important in those, I'm only trying to survive this type of moments. This is going to end all tantrums eventually do. That does not look like the ending is right in front of me, but it is coming.

Here's a couple ways to turn all of that into some skills. When I think about connecting to what's in front of me, instead of trying to make it better, what can be really helpful for me to stay calm in that moment and for my kid is just naming or narrating what happened without any kind of ribbon on top. So you woke up, you went to the bathroom, you didn't wanna go to the bathroom.

I went to the bathroom and you really didn't want me to go to the bathroom. Did I get that right? And then I would repeat it again. My pace is very slow, there's a rhythm. And I'm actually giving myself something to focus on. And I'm a little bit adding some regulation just by forming more coherence in this moment that was totally incoherent. Around that, something I like to say at the end of a kind of narration is,

oh, nothing feels good. Nothing feels as good as you want it to. Again, I'm not changing anything. I'm not being anything better. But there is something about naming what's true that makes someone feel seen, and less alone, and feeling seen and less alone always helps us feel like difficult moments are at least more tolerable.

Here's another line that I always feel like are somewhat magical words during these big, emotional, meltdowns and explosions. You wish that didn't happen. What would that sound like? You go to the bathroom, your child's so upset. She's probably not really upset about this, but it all comes out. I went to the bathroom. You didn't want me to. You really wish that didn't happen, huh? You wish mommy didn't go to the bathroom. And there's something about those words that again, kids feel so accepted and loved and seen and good inside.

That there can be a little bit of a calming impact. Now, let me caveat that by saying, there also might not be, and then we go back to step one, which is reminding yourself, this is a survive moment. I'm a good parent. I have a good kid. This moment will eventually end. Suzy, I have one more thought to add. We all lose it on our kids. And I want to be clear that when I say we all, I include myself. I lose it on my kids. Why do we lose it on our kids. And I want to be clear that when I say we all, I include myself. I lose it on my kids. Why do we lose it on our kids? Because sometimes our feelings overwhelm us and they come out in a way we don't feel great about everyone has moments where we

lose it. What can really differentiate us is whether we go back with our child and repair or avoid that. Repair is where it's at when we repair. When we say something to our child like, Hey, you noticed mommy having a hard time before. Mommy has big feelings too and they came out in the form of a yell that's not your fault. I am working on managing my big feelings. I'm here and I love you. We teach our kids they don't have to be responsible for managing our feelings.

And we also teach them that it's okay to make mistakes and that after we do, we can go back to the people we love and own it and reconnect. So we're going to be doing this. We're going to be doing this. We're going to be doing this. Our last caller is Leanna, who has a question about her six-year-old daughter. Hi, my name is Liana. I have two kids. My daughter is six, and my son is four.

My tricky situation is my daughter, whenever she bumps into a table or steps her toe or falls down, it doesn't matter how big or little the incident is. She will cry and cry and cry and carry on. Even when I can hear that it's fake or if it happens initially, she's fine and then like 30 seconds later, she's wailing about it. And my husband and I have tried validating her, you know, saying, I know that it would take a hurts. I know how you're feeling, telling her that we believe her, that it hurts. We've tried telling her to take deep breaths, you know, giving her a hug and then trying to ignore the behavior. And it doesn't seem like anything works. It seems like it just has to run its course and escalate on its own and then eventually it dies down. So we are at a loss of what to do and how to help her cope when she's in

these situations. Hi, Leanna. So the first thing that really comes to mind is how much you're doing, how it seems like you're really trying to understand your child and I hear how frustrating that is for you. I would feel the same way. Right, these moments when we're thinking, I'm trying so hard, I'm doing so many of these strategies and still something doesn't feel right for you. So I actually think step one is just separating you and your child and reminding yourself, my child can still be upset even if I'm quote, doing the right things, right? Because I think when we don't remind ourselves of that, our frustration actually is felt by our child as if they're not kind of playing the part of child responding to us when we're intervening and what we think is a helpful way.

So that would be step one. Step two, I actually sometimes find with my kids that less is more in the moment of a meltdown. I also find myself filled up with strategies and so often often, I do too much, and my kids kind of feel that. And so what I would focus on more than anything else is just giving your child your full attention in these moments. So she comes to you, and rather than the storytelling, maybe in that moment, and rather than the, I believe you, maybe just saying this, I'm here. I'm here for you, sweetie. And maybe putting down your phone, right, turning

off the computer, taking a deep breath and infusing your presence. We underestimate the power of our presence as kind of our best tool over anything else. This is a moment where I would be thinking about collecting data and using it later. What do I mean by that? That probably sounds confusing. In my kids most difficult moments, what I try to do is say, oh, what might be going on here? But Becky, I'm not able to use that information now.

Just store it for later when everyone's body is calmer. And then that's when we can build skills. We can't build skills when our kids are activated. And frankly, using in those moments where activated two, our body doesn't learn well in those conditions. What we can do is say, I think there's something about my kid needing my attention,

my kid needing to be taken seriously, my kid wanting to be cared for. Oh, all right, don't get over eager, store it for later. And I wanna go over two kind of later strategies that end up building the skills, our children need in the moment, and the more we kind of practice and play around with these skills, when our kids' bodies are calm

and they feel connected to us. The more able they are to learn them and then actually access them in the moments they need them the most. So two different things. Number one, model this yourself. Fall down. You know, bump your elbow. And if you're like me and you have a child who reacts this way with an injury, I would be likely to say, see that didn't hurt so bad, almost the opposite of what she's doing. But reversing that can be really powerful. So bump your elbow and maybe say, oh, did you see that? Damn, it really hurts. And maybe, maybe I'd even kind of get my partner to come in and say, back here, fine. And I'd say, no, it really hurts,

really hurts. Right. And then maybe my partner said, okay, I'm here, I'm here. And I'd say, thank you, but it still doesn't feel that good. Right? Kind of something realistic. And what am I doing there? Well, one of the things I'm doing is I'm taking away the kind of shame of aloneness. Right now, my child notices I'm not the only one in my family who blank. It never feels good to be the only one as a kid because kids are trying to

figure out kind of is there a place for me in this family is it okay to be me and when we model ourselves some of the struggles our kids have we actually help regulate difficult moments because our child kind of infuses a sense of acceptance and love into those moments when they come up. Next strategy, building skills in play. Play is where kids learn. When we build skills in play and I'll tell you what I mean, we have a kind of situation that's just far enough

from a child that it doesn't feel so intense, but close enough that they can work and learn. So let's say your child likes to play with figurines or animals, right? Let's say your child loves to play farm and you have a horse and a pig. Enter in to pretend play with this theme. Maybe you'd be the horse that falls down

and the horse says falls down. And the horse says, ow, or a minute later says, did you see me fall out? It really hurts. You're kind of modeling that start. Now, here's something powerful. Use a whisper voice and lean into your child, say something like this. I wonder what horse he needs. Horse it really got pretty hurt. And then back up again, oh, that really hurts, picky. And then pause. You're not looking to solve anything. But what's happening is you're modeling this process

in place so your child can get some mastery and even develop her own coping skills because you're doing it in the form of play not so intensely directed at her. Leanna, let me know what you think and how it goes. Let's tie it all together. Here are three major points to keep in mind when it comes to tantrums. First, tantrums are normal. I would even say tantrums are healthy. We want our kids to want things for themselves. And wanting and not having is really difficult.

So it's normal to have a hard time in childhood when these things come up. Number two, our job is not to end a tantrum. I always take a deep breath when I say that that's so relieving. My job is to keep my body calm and keep my child safe. Number three, our calm, loving presence is the most important thing during a tantrum. Remind yourself of that. Me just showing up being there, taking a deep breath,

this is going to be critical in helping my child learn to regulate and manage her tough emotions. tantrums are tough. If you have more questions, I've got you covered. Check out my foundational course managing meltdowns and building emotion regulation. This course will leave you feeling equipped to both manage tantrums when they come and make tantrums less frequent. You can find this course and many others at learning.goodinside.com. You can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox.

We can stay connected in other ways as well. Check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at Good Inside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding

ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.