Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Are We There Yet?

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

What is it about car trips that are so triggering to us as parents? Is it the bathroom break just minutes into the drive? The need to pack every toy in the house? Or the ever-present threat of traffic? (If only we had left 10 minutes earlier!) This week Dr. Becky talks through the woes of a long car trip with a father of two young kids and his struggles not to channel his own father when he's behind the wheel. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2AFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast 

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist, I'm a mom of three, and I'm on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. Okay, everyone, I have exciting news. My book is out. And in thinking about how to really bring the book alive on this podcast, I kept coming back to what inspired the book in the first place.

So for the next couple weeks, I'm going to do a deeper dive with, well, many of you, the listeners who have called in. I just know you will hear yourself in each conversation because the parenting struggles any of us have are truly the parenting struggles all of us have. We'll be right back after this. So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work.

Because actually the toys that get really busy and do a lot of things, kids actually lose interest and so quickly. Oh, totally. There are certain toys that my kids have just played with throughout the years. I have a six year old and a three year old. Like what?

So I have these wooden blocks from Melissa and Doug. They're super simple. Just plain wooden, no color. And my kids love them. They're always building castles or like a dinosaur layer. And then my oldest will tell my youngest to like, decorate them after he's built this crazy cool structure. My go-to's are Melissa and Doug too.

I feel like we have this ice cream scooper thing that my kids use when they were two. And then they used again when they were developing better fine motor skills and then for my kind of four year old, my seven year old still using it in imaginative play. I really only like talking about items and brands that we actually use in our own home and Melissa and Doug, I just don't know if there's any other brand I feel so good about naming the way that their toys actually inspire creativity and open-ended, screen-free child-led

play is just unmatched. And what's honestly so exciting is to be able to offer everyone listening to this podcast, 20% off. Visit MelissaAndUg.com and use code Dr. Becky20-K-Y 20 for 20% off your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. For my first deep dive, I'm joined by Paul, a father of two young kids zooming in from England.

Paul sent me this boy to know. Let's listen together and then jump in. Hi Dr Becky, my name is Paul and I've got two boys, Robin who's nearly three and Arthur who's a month old. As we both know, when taking a car journey of any length with kids pretty much so I asked, seems there need to be packed for the trip from spare outfits. Today's most favourite toy, the hat and sunglasses that simply have to be brought even on a cloudy day. What I'm finding now is that one of my partners looking after the little one Arthur, well I'll be getting the rubbing into the car along with the various bags

and items and worry about what I've forgotten and it's making me short-tempered on prone to snap or get rationally frustrated about minor annoyances like tangled car seats straps or having a toy or a book to hold in the car. To suspect this comes from my childhood experiences of long journeys. But I'd like to break this cycle of releasing that anger near him or around him. Thank you so much. Let's just jump right into it. What's the worst part of it? Like as you go through that or even think maybe you say something you don't want to say or the tone or the tantrum or the tears or the request, what's the worst?

I think for me it's my kind of my shame on my own part of thinking that he might remember the journeys of his childhood, the way I can't remember mine, of sure being there was fun wherever there might be, but getting there was never fun. And I don't want that for him, for either of my kids. And I know that if I keep doing this, it could well be the case. So before we jump into some ideas and strategies, which I promise we'll get to, there's another layer here

that you so poignantly identified, which is like your very real history with your childhood car rides. So add some color to that, because it's also part of the equation. We have a lot of family up in Scotland and we spent my whole childhood living south of England. And it was a once a year kind of a trip.

But there was no real deadline. We were staying with family of friends and over the years, I mean, there was a lot of layers to it. I was cast. I was probably, I don't know, I even want to say it was probably difficult in the car. But then I don't want Robin to think that he's difficult in the car. So maybe it was. But let me ask you about that just because you're already kind of put a pin on it,

because that's a, it's powerful for all of us in adulthood to look back in our childhood and be like, oh, what self-belief did I kind of develop about myself? That probably still even lives with me. And like, does that work for me to think about myself as difficult? And I would add on so many kids internalized that they were difficult. And really, they were having needs that just happened to be inconvenient to their parents. Yeah, I can, looking back, I can see that that was like me the case. You know, my dad was one of those. He wanted to miss the traffic.

He wanted to be past Manchester before rush hour or past here before them them so that we don't get snarled up in this thing. Don't bother me while we're going, we're just going to get there. I haven't really thought about it until now and I'm starting to sort of notice this behavior, this dysregulation in Robin. It's so interesting because I grew up with some similar dynamics around traffic. How many of us as kids noticed that avoiding traffic was more important than attending to our needs? You knew, you got to be Basmanned Chester by a certain time, and so I'm nauseous.

I better swallow my own vomit before asking my father to pull over and hit the traffic that's going to kill us all. I mean as a girl, though, I realize there was no deadline. There's no requirement to be it was just an imposed, a self-imposed thing by I don't know. And I guess it was just his way of avoiding that stress for himself. I'm not really recognizing the stress it was causing. Well, being a traffic is a very out of control feeling because you want something there's nothing you can do. And so any adult who really struggles to regulate when they're not in control tends to be an adult who will kind of like organize a whole life around avoiding traffic. They think they're avoiding the traffic, but they're really just avoiding that really overwhelming

feeling. You know, that feels awful. And so, okay, so this is your childhood history with journeys, with car rides. And what's going on for Robin, you think? Like, what's this about? Is he just an annoying kid with a million requests who's looking to make his dad's life miserable? And maybe, I don't know, so that's, I'll put out one option. Hi, I don't think so. I'm really not sure.

We try to make the journey fun, we break it up. I think it's just being on a deadline and I would guess the loss of control. We're going in the car. He's got no choice about it. May not necessarily. It's usually slightly out of the ordinary, so it's possibly not aware that it's going to be fun

the other side of the way. He's not clear on where we're going. He's young to understand that. So let's bring this to you. I actually think this is really powerful because I often ask the question, people, what do you think is going on for your kid? And most adults are like, I have no fucking idea.

That's why I came here, okay? Like, why are you even asking me that question? But it's a powerful question that even when I say to myself, not my kid, I literally don't know. My next step, it's usually a cheat. Let me replace me with my partner and let me replace my kid with me, right? Because kids are closer to us

than they are to any other animal species. So like, if I put myself in that situation, you have a partner. What's your partner's name? Sophie. So you're in that situation, and Sophie's kind of directing you to get out of the house in this way.

What's going on for you? I guess, you know, I just wanted to do my own thing, and well, know what was planned for me in the day, and where I was going, and why. Great, so let's start there. And that's so in line with really a core memory from my oldest youngest years is I remember. And he wasn't a kid who's terribly prone to tantrums.

And I remember, I put him in his drawer and he was kind of like upset where if that was my other two kids, it would have been a full blown tantrum, right? But and he finally just says, where am I going? I was like, oh my goodness, this is like the plight of a child. Like if my husband got me dressed and strapped me in somewhere

and then I was like protesting and then I got in trouble for protesting, I don't think anyone would look at me like I had the problem. No one, they'd be like, you have the worst husband in the world. Like, and it struck me like, this is what I at me like I had the problem. No one. Maybe you have the worst husband in the world. And it struck me like this is what I do to my kid all the time. So what you're saying is, I think right on, he probably wants to know what's going on.

And he also didn't want this to be happening. Like my guess is Robbins never come to you and said, hey, can you plan a two-hour car ride to go see some random family friends that I may or may not have fun with? Like, that would be just groovy. Like, he's never said that. No, no one hasn't come up. Right, exactly. And I actually think there could be other things at play,

but I actually think these are the two most important things. What is happening to me? So there's confusion. And I didn't plan this or want this. This is not really in line with my own child centric world. And so there's loss of control. Loss of control plus confusion, I think is actually a recipe for dysregulation in any aged person. Yeah, I can see frustration or confusion of not, you know, why are you making my life difficult? Why are you interrupting my flow?

Why are you preventing me just getting on and doing what I'm going to do? And then one of the things you say happens, which resonates in my own house too, in my own difficult moments, is then that becomes more inconvenient for us, right? When our kids want more information or kind of like want their feelings validated or want that extra toy, or maybe they don't want the extra toy, it's really a way of saying, please, dad, tell me what's going on and please help me understand what's going on around me. If we're focused on a singular goal, like let's just get in the car and get you strapped in, it makes us less able to attend to this like very human need in our kid. We get more disconnected, more frustrated, right?

And now we're in this not so great, right, kind of dynamic. Does that, does that resonate? It does. Yeah great, right? Kind of dynamic. Does that resonate? It does, yeah, it makes a lot of sense. So what can we do about it? Okay, so we're gonna come back to all this. So now you're back in your home. Tell me how much preparation Robin gets, not because he needs hours or days,

but what does Robin know about the time you're leaving? Where does he range in knowledge from complete knowledge to zero knowledge? Probably fairly close to the zero. He knows what we're doing. He knows that we're going to a friends for their birthday party or to visit them or for lunch. And I don't go into when we're leaving or the process of leaving

or what we're gonna be taking with us or anything like that. It's kind of just a, we're gonna have breakfast and then we're gonna go. Right. And again, if we think you and Sophie, if she says, you, hey, we're gonna go out to dinner tonight. And then she comes dressed in like some gown and you know, she's like, oh, I didn't tell you it's black tie. Like, and we got to go. We're going to a wedding.

You'd be like, what? I'm right. You probably wouldn't feel great. No. But if she said to you, we're going out tomorrow night, it's a wedding, it's black. I mean, you probably, even then, you probably be like, why are you only telling me this 24 hours in advance, right?

Like, you'd want to know. So let's play this out. Because number one, kids have far less experience than us, which means that when we say something, if we don't spell it out, they actually might not be able to put those pieces together. So when you say to Sophie, we have to leave in the morning to get to a friend's for lunch, she probably understands, like, about when you're going to leave. Although, I think plenty of marriages they get in arguments.

Like, you didn't tell me it was that far, so adults even need to spell it out, but kids definitely do. And then number two, I think most adults in their own childhoods would say, yeah, my parents didn't really approach me with the full respect that I probably even deserved as a kid. So we're also just not in the habit of talking to kids with the amount of information and respect they need. So we're both not in the habit of communicating that way. And kids actually probably need more things concretely communicated because they don't have a life experience.

So if you think about both of those things or so many ways, I think you can make the car process much smoother. That actually has nothing to do with the car process, but has everything to do with the state kind of robin is in before you make those requests. Because I think one of the ways to think about his, oh, what about this and I need this and I need this, with the state kind of Robin is in before you make those requests. Because I think one of the ways to think about his,

oh, what about this and I need this and I need this? As he actually doesn't need all those things, he's trying to cling to a world he knows, which is world at home. Because he's about to enter into a world he has no idea about and that feels very scary to everyone. So what does that mean? The night before, I would actually get out like,

I don't know, little figurines and like blocks. And if you don't even have that, it could literally just be anything concrete. It could be like, soda cam, it doesn't really matter. But it'd be like, this is our house. This is where I am and you are and your baby brother and your mom, and almost have like four little people. And then I would have another block kind of far away.

Tomorrow, which means after we wake up and after we breakfast, and maybe even show like, oh, we'll have a waffle or whatever you eat for breakfast, this is what's gonna happen. And then I'd have something that looks like a car, or again, it could be any block, and show how the four of you are gonna get in the car, and then show how that car is going to slowly go.

Right? And if traffic isn't, isn't it, she would even do in the scene, right? Is do something like, oh, traffic. And show how the car stops. So annoying. What can we do in traffic?

Well, Robyn, what can we do? What song could we sing if we get into traffic? Now you're actually helping them understand that and you're building a coping skill in advance everyone wins And then you keep right kind of going until you get to the house Then you could add another layer for example Let's say you're going to a house with no kids or you're going to a house that has I don't know four older kids You can imagine almost playing out the scene there. And again, maybe they're bigger blocks of, oh, those are big kids.

There's no kids who really love to do puzzles like you do. Oh, that's tricky. Now Robin has a mental model. Now he is not leaving a known world to go to blank existential nothingness, which any of us would say no, thank you. Right? He actually can picture what's happening and like all of us when you can picture something happening You immediately feel more competent. Yeah, that's I've never considered doing that

So it's taking him through that process right because no one teaches us these things, right? Like nobody Ever says to us when you have kids and you're making a transition, right? Here's something that eases the process. As soon as we hear it, like it's like, oh, that makes sense, but these things aren't intuitive because you just leave the hospital at the child and they're like, go for it, you know, raise that human. So I think that will be hugely helpful.

Yeah. Hey, so I want to let you in on something that's kind of counterintuitive about parenting. The most impactful way we can change our parenting actually doesn't involve learning any new parenting strategies. The most impactful way we can change our parenting is by giving ourselves more resources so we can show up as sturdier so we can show up as calm amidst the inevitable chaos. It's what our kids need from us more than anything else. This is why I'm doing my mom rage workshop again.

I'm doing it again because it is one of my most popular ones to date. It's coming up July 19th, but no worries if you can't make it live. It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time. I promise it's really the best investment we can make not only in ourselves, but also in our kids. Can't wait to see you there at GoodInside.com. Now you also alluded to something before. I don't know if you heard yourself say it,

but I'm going to bring it back because it's your idea and not mine. You're like, we haven't even really set ground rules for like what he's going to bring in the car and what he's not going to bring. Right? Like, it's just like he starts grabbing stuff. So that's another kind of area where I think the two of you could set the stage in advance to at least now have language for what's gonna happen.

Whatever you say, you can bring two toys from our home. I know it's nice to bring something from your home so you know you have it. Right, what two toys do you want? Or maybe you've set this up before. You're gonna bring two toys I know you want to bring five, the limit's gonna be two. So you've even almost like gotten ahead of this moment. You're gonna bring two toys. I know you want to bring five. The limit's gonna be two. So you've even almost like gotten ahead of this moment. Really alliance building, really respectful.

And it also as a parent kind of gives you a baseline to refer to. He still might be upset, but now you feel like you're footing instead of feeling like you're flailing. Cause it seems like when the car situation happens, Robin is flailing, but it seems also you feel like you're flailing. You're like like when the car situation happens, Robin is flailing, but it seems also, you feel like you're flailing. You're like, I don't know what I'm doing here.

Like, I'm just going with the flow. That, it's not a bad way to parent at all. It just, if it's not working, I think it's a sign like, I'm just gonna feel better if we've discussed some of these things in advance. The way that kids of all ages, and I think adults do, need extra connection before any moment of transition. It can be when you say, hey, we're about to get into

the car. You know what? Let's have extra big daddy and Robin hugs before, oh, doing something new feels a little tricky for everyone. Let's really, and I call it, let's fill up with each other. So you really like give a hug. Another way to build connection is to join a child in their world before you ask them to join yours. When we ask a kid to get in a car, they're joining our world. They literally don't care about getting in the car.

They don't want to. Oh, I know you probably wish we could stay home. Or I see you playing with those blocks. We are gonna have to put that away to go get in the car. So in a way, I'm picturing my son doing something. And I'm almost like getting off my planet, making a bridge to their planet. And then in a way, I formed this bridge,

and now the two of us can like walk back to my planet, which probably Paul, it's not even something you're dying to do, get the car and drive for two hours. It's not like your idea of a fun day, but still, it's more your priority than it is your kid's priority. Two big things there, right? Connecting in that moment of transition

and giving information to lower confusion and therefore lower dysregulation. Pemmo, you think about that and then I'm going to save the best for last for my number three. Yeah, it sounds great. And I mean, from one of your podcastings, we have started doing the hugs to fill up, but I feel silly for not using it now, but it's when I go to work. We do it in the morning, because I'm the more absent parent when going away to work and stuff, he gets quite excited when I'm leaving, when I'm coming home or when I'm not often,

but sometimes gets upset when I'm leaving. So we started doing the big fill you up cuddles before we go and then you filled up for the day and then ready for when I get back. But because I was going with him in the car, I guess it didn't occur to me to apply the same technique. Yeah, and again, I always think this is like a muscle we work, right? Especially, I wasn't herring this way.

It's a new muscle, it's a new language. Okay, well, learning a new language is like valiant to even try and you're you're doing so much. And so the last thing I want to share is really something for you. Okay, because those moments when our blood is boiling, our body really does interpret our environment as dangerous. Similar to what your dad probably did interpret traffic has. Maybe he's still does, right? And so our body, if it's giving us information that there's a threat, we can't beat that just with pure logic, right? We have to really speak to those feelings. And here is my mantra that I truly use whenever I feel triggered with my kid, because whenever we feel triggered in any situation,

our body is interpreting something that probably is annoying or inconvenient as true danger. And we need to like speak to that difference. So my mantra in those moments is, Becky, I'm safe. This is not an emergency. And then either I can cope with this, or this is powerful. I don't have to do anything

right now. That's really important and I think speaks to even what you were saying Paul, that there's not a deadline because when you're son inevitably it's not going to go smooth just because we talked about these things right. Take some times to shift and still kids are kids. So he's like, I want to go back and get that one toy. If you're able to say to yourself, this is not an emergency. I'm safe. And I actually don't have to do anything right now. It takes away the urgency of what happens. So I'm going to ask you to actually repeat some version of that back to me. That resonates with you because giving yourself even right now a rep

of building that new mantra muscle is so powerful. Okay. Paul, we're not in a rush. We don't have to do this now. We don't have to do anything now. Great. Yeah. And I'm going to ask you to try one on. It feels dramatic, but there's something about it. Our body likes either I am safe or this is not an emergency. Yeah. This is not an emergency, Paul, but not an rush. This is not an emergency. Yeah, this is not an emergency, but we're not in a rush, this is not an emergency. Great. And what's really important with that mantra

is to say it, because even with a mantra that we say to ourselves, it's more the tone than the word. So I can say to myself, Becky, this is not an emergency. I'm not even in a rush. I promise you it's not going to be helpful, right? Because in some an emergency. I'm not even in a rush. I promise you this is not to be helpful, right? Because in some ways, now I'm just adding blame and shame to my state of threat. But when I say to myself, Becky, this is not an emergency.

I don't have to do anything right now. I'm safe. I am safe. Saying to ourselves, I'm safe. It's easy to hear someone say those words. And like, I really mean, it's have a little bit of an eye roll. Like, I've decided myself I'm safe because my kids ask me for a toy. Like mean it's have a little bit of an eye roll. Like I've decided myself I'm safe because my kids ask for a toy like that feels like a

little much. But we're speaking to the reality of our body. And if our body is getting to a place of feeling triggered and having to do something with immediacy to shut down, right? When we yell, we're just like, there's an immediacy urgency, shut it down. Now, then our body is interpreting something as a truth threat. And we can't beat our body's threat system. We also don't want to.

Our bodies trying to help us, it's just misguided. And so gently and kindly telling your body, even if it feels a little over the top, it's surprising how effective those words are. Yeah, I'll have to practice that. And actually, I think you're right. I think saying I'm not in the rush, I think I can Yeah, I'll have to practice that. And actually, I think you're right. I think saying I'm not in the rush, I think I can almost, I think their arguments,

my mom and dad would have had, dad saying, we've gotta go, we've gotta go. My mom's side of it would have been, we're not in a rush, why? So I'm almost taking the other side there. Exactly. So we don't need to add more of, you know, our not as functional as we'd wanted it to be passed to our present.

We all have enough of that. And the other thing I should say about that mantra is if you ever actually want to even say it out loud while your sons around, it is so powerful for kids to watch their parents, kids to watch their parents self-south in a moment of stress rather than probably what a lot of us saw and our kids still see watch their parents just act out in a moment of stress which still happens for me too and it still will happen but so powerful and so to kind of bring it together I think you're gonna actually get the most bang for your buck as always with kids it's never about what we do in the moment. It's a little bit about that,

but where we really change is everything we do outside the moment. So naming what's happening and making it visual, right? So we gave the example of play. Some kids like a visual calendar. Tomorrow we will be going to this house and they see it. Oh, and two boxes, I'm doing that car thing.

In advance talking about some things, how many toys, they can bring, getting it ready, right, helpful for everyone. Thinking about in the moment, had an increased connection. Join your child in their world, give them an extra hug. Connection always helps transitions because we help kids feel safe, and then they don't have to act out. And then the last is really thinking about a mantra that speaks to what's going on in our body.

And kind of honoring the reality of those intense sensations and thinking like what, not what logically do I need to hear? Because logically probably doesn't even seem like a big deal. But just what actually helps my body? And you can even play around with that in a calm moment, like picture the kind of situation, picture your sun protesting, maybe picture the traffic, all the, and test it out.

What happens when I say this? Oh, that didn't help that much. Let me try something else, right? Your body will give you clues to what really resonates. And I think those are three categories, kind of prep in the moment mantra for yourself that will really make a big difference. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I also want to say before we end, like I really like notice and appreciate really your openness, your reflection, your willingness to be so honest and vulnerable, that's how I define bravery and it just says a lot about you as a parent. And so please take that with you side-by-side to those, you know, maybe new strategies. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com-podcast. You could also write me at podcastatgoodinside.com.

Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianna and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Kabelsky, Mary Panico, Jill Cromwell-Wang, Ashley Valenzuela,

and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.