Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Deep Dive: @busytoddler on Resilience and Academic Success

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

How do we help our kids learn to love learning? Well, guess what: It has nothing to do with success or achievement ... instead, it has everything to do with tolerating the frustration of the working process. The more we help our kids manage the feelings that come up as they work hard, struggle, and try again, the more they will embrace challenges and bounce back from failures. In this Deep Dive episode, Dr. Becky chats with Susie Allison, the childhood education advocate and mom of three behind @busytoddler, about teaching kids to embrace and even love the learning process. They share as many deep thoughts about child development as practical ideas for engaging your child in fun, enriching play. And most importantly, the two remind all of us that learning is a life-long process: As parents, we need to embrace our own "not knowing yet" stages, too. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work.

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Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can, with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside.

Today's episode is a deep dive with Suzie Allison. Susie is an early childhood education advocate, a former teacher, an author, and a mom. You probably know her from Instagram as Busy Toplar, where she shares her ideas about child development and also lots of fun activities to engage your child in play and learning. Susie and I are both moms of three, and so we are both totally in the trenches right there with you. Susie's been an incredible support to me over the last year. She's a mentor and friend in this parenting and social media space. In this episode, Susie and I talk about how to help our kids become good learners.

After all, what matters less than the age our kid is when they learn to read or multiply, is the relationship our child develops with learning and being challenged. I know I speak for both of us when I say that we want our kids to learn how to tolerate the frustration of learning, how to kids to learn how to tolerate the frustration of learning, how to work hard, how to overcome challenges. These are the most important lifelong skills. I am so excited to have Suzy here and to discuss these important topics and turn our ideas into actionable strategies for all of you.

Let's jump in. I'm so so happy to be talking with you. So many interesting things to discuss. So thank you for being here. Oh Becky, it is beyond my pleasure. I just was tickled. Thank when you wrote and said, do you want to come on the podcast? And I was like, onto your brand new baby?

Of course. It felt like when someone asked you to hold their newborn and you're like, I'm working really hard here to hold it steady. Get its head propped up. I trust you with all my babies, including this one, um, and including my actual, my actual children. So, uh, I feel like you and I could talk about a million different things. And yet the thing I want to hone in on today are some kind of overlapping topics. Things that I know you and I both hear a lot about from people in our communities, care a lot about. And the three kind of words on my mind are resilience, growth mindset, and perfectionism. Those feel like such the big three right now, such the big three.

Yeah, right? I mean, resilience is this topic that's thrown around all the time. I think we see growth mindset is kind of related to that. And perfectionism is something I think we see in a lot of our kids kind of getting their way sometimes of accessing kind of their growth mindset and resilience. Definitely, and I think it's so important to really define these terms because I think there is a lot of just a little bit of a cloud around them and what do they actually mean? How do they relate to our kids? How do they relate to their development?

And then what can we do to support the good parts of those and help our kids handle some of the negative parts that are associated with those? So for me, that's really the big thing right now with working in those three, the big three. The big three. So the way I think about resilience is I think, it's kind of our ability or this developing ability to recover from things that are hard.

And I think from an emotion regulation standpoint, which is how I think about almost everything in child development, is resilience is kind of our ability to tolerate hard things. To be in something that's challenging and hard and kind of say, I can do this a little bit longer. Which is interesting because I think a lot of us we think about resilience as our ability to get out of hard moments like, oh, I have success. And yet I think more

and more with my own kids and families, even with myself that the figuring things out or getting out of the hard moment kind of finds itself when it finds itself, but it's our ability to keep going when something's hard that really builds our resilience. Yeah, I think one of the big ways that I look at it is one of the ways when you and I first started talking about this resilience is the ability to get back up and figure it out and it is. But it's also the ability to keep walking. I mean, if there's, if there's a metaphor, if there's a way to look at it, it's that ability to just keep moving forward, to dig deeper, to keep going, to keep trying. And that's really what we want from any of

us, not just our kids, we want that too. I think that's exactly right. And yeah, that visual, right? And I know you and I have talked about that. If everyone listening even can picture this point one, which is not knowing, I don't know how to read. Or I don't know how to build a tower with more than three blocks, that would actually stay up. And then there's this end result, like, oh, I know. I know how to build towers and make them stable.

Or now I know how to read. Well, the space between knowing and not knowing is number one, very tricky. But number two, it can be a while, right? Before we actually can master a skill. And what I think we really wanna build in our kids is kind of a comfort in that space, or at least a curiosity, or a sense of purpose.

Like, yes, I'm working hard. I'm in that learning space. No wonder the ease hasn't come because I'm not at the knowing yet. I'm in the learning. Yeah, it's all about getting our kids to enjoy when something gets hard. My kids and I talk about it all the time

when you can't do something, that's actually a chance to learn time when you can't do something, that's actually a chance to learn. If you can't do something, you've just been given a gift to learn how to do it. And that's so exciting for us. And we really try in our house to kind of de-stigmatize not being able to do something, but rather to reframe it as, but now you get to learn something. And I mean, how cool. How lucky are you right now? You get to learn how to do something. And then yeah, this could take the day. This could take the year.

This could take the next two years. But you get to learn something. And how cool is that? Where's the situation in your home that you've maybe experienced before, you're in right now? Where are your kids in this learning space? I think one of the big things that we're working with right now is modeling resilience

for our kids. I'm trying so hard to just model the fact that I make mistakes too, that I mess up too, that I'm learning too. And that's something that my husband and I are both working through. And I know that's something you've worked through with your kids too, that idea of just modeling how we think inside our heads because our kids, they just see us as so capable and they don't, they don't hear what's going on in our side our head.

They don't hear our decision to switch from that onion to that onion or to grab a different knife. Then they need to hear that. They need to hear it. Exactly. I always think about this for the first even half an hour of a kid's day, getting at a bed, you know, using maybe the toilet, washing your hands, getting dressed, getting out cereal, pouring milk, these are things that you and I most days can do with ease, right, unless, you know, if had one of

those nights. And each of those things is hard for a child. We haven't even gotten to tying your shoes, right? But if you imagine the tasks of daily life that you're doing, that your kids are doing, it's amazing our kids aren't melting down at every single second. Because I know and I think about myself, if I was learning how to cook and the only people I was surrounded by were expert chefs and I burn garlic and I just think I don't think I've ever seen anyone burn garlic. You're not supposed to burn garlic. I would be flooded with shame, right? It's so alone if you're the only person in your environment to be in that learning space. If you see everyone in that knowing expert space and there is so much

power in de-shaming the situation, I try to think about that proactively as much as possible, rather than reactively with my kids. What could I de-shame before my kids have that meltdown? So can I mess up when I put my shirt on? Right? Even if it's playful and maybe my kids would say, Mom, you know how to put on a shirt, I can say back. It's true, I do know how to put on a shirt. I've been putting on shirts for years and look, the tag is in the front. Or I'm working on a new yoga kind of arm stand,

I actually am, and I really do try to practice it in front of my kids because I can't do it yet, and guess what happens? I fall, I literally fall on my face because I can't do it yet and guess what happens. I fall. I literally fall on my face because it's that kind of type of challenge. And I think it's important for my kids to see me fall on my face in such a physical way. And then even to model something that looks like the process we want them to engage in,

right? This, something I think a lot about is this realistic regulation that there's no way our kid is going to struggle and then say, I've got it no big deal. Try again, right? Like, I'm sorry, that's not what it looks like. Is that not going to happen? It hasn't happened in my house. And, you know, not as my kids are building the skill, right?

So what might it look like? Well, when I fall down from this arm balance, I go, oh, I don't think I'm ever going to try that again. That is so annoying that even hurt. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, let me take a moment, let me take a moment. Let me think about one thing I can do a little differently the next time. Just one. I think about five, no, no, not five things back. You just one, just one, even if I fall, I'm doing a good job. And I'll sing that a couple times.

While my kids are off to the side and kind of just, quote, happening to be there and witnessing this. And then I might try it one more time, right? Because again, that's going to mimic something they could actually do, rather than if I make the resilience process look too clean, then they're going to feel shameful around even trying to be resilient. You know, it's so true, the way you said that, we model so much for our kids and we're

so good at that, we're so good at modeling how we clean ourselves or modeling how we eat foods or modeling how we walk in public. But then when it comes to resilience, we just kind of throw out this term like, why I want my kid to have resilience and I want them to be able to, you know, do things when they get hard, which is great. And that's exactly what we want. But are we actually modeling that for them? And the more capable we are and the more they see us as capable, the more they don't believe

that you ever have to really work hard for something because they haven't seen us. I mean, the fact that your kids are watching you learning this yoga pose, it's so simple and yet it's so amazing. What a gift for them to be able to watch their parent try to learn how to do something. I mean, that is just unbelievable. My husband, I would say, is actually the best at doing that because he's the one who's constantly learning how to do new things. And my kids will say, well, how did you know how to take this part? He's, well, I didn't. And so now I'm going to work through the problem. And I don't really know, oh, and I've really messed this up. And I, oh, I think I've broken this too. I think I got to go buy a new one. And he'll kind

of work them through all the time. It takes him to fix something in our house, things like that. But it really is amazing how we expect kids to just be born, going, they need to do stuff and things will be hard and they have to keep trying. But if we haven't modeled that for them, we really can't expect that out of them. I think that's exactly right. And I think our kids, right, there's things we say and I'm such a big fan of mantras, right. And I love saying to my kids, you know, this feels hard because it is hard, right? That's a great resilience oriented mantra, or even, oh, not knowing sits next to learning something new. So if you don't know, wow, you're about to learn something new.

And I think those things are great to incorporate. And yet if we're not simultaneously kind of in it ourselves, modeling, not just saying, but modeling, struggling, talking about something hard at work with our kids or again, just on the phone call with a friend and our kid just happens to listen. Then our kid feels like I'm the only one who has to use that mantra. I'm the only one who has to learn new things. And if you build it in early, now there's almost a family value around learning, around trying new things, around a more of an attachment to process than product. And now being resilient is kind of being a part of the family instead of something a child has to do on their own.

I seriously think like we have all those signs around your house saying like, you know, home sweet home. Like I want one that says process over product. And you know, wouldn't that be amazing if that really was one of those core values that every family was putting into their kids, rather than, oh, I just, I want them to be happy, I want them to succeed, I want this.

If we really, you know, drove into our kids, this idea that it is more important, the process and the road you walk, than it is the final product, I mean, oh my goodness, where would we be? And I think then even commenting on that, right? Because I think often we have this choice with our kids in terms of building resilience, right?

We have a choice when we see something they've done. Do I comment on the outside product, or do I comment or even inquire into the inside process? I mean, one of my favorite, I think, resilience and confidence building questions is saying to my kids, how did you think to build that? How did you think to do the beads that way? Or even my older son, how did you think to start your fairy tale that way? It's such an interesting topic. Versus, wow, I see you got a really good grade. Wow, that is

the tallest tower you've ever built. And we don't mean to be putting pressure on our kids. And we don't mean to be lowering their resilience, but the more attached we are to product, the more, almost fearful a child is of being in that learning space because they're just trying to get to the result, they're just trying to get to the product, do it, do it, be good, be good, be good.

And yet if a kid has learned, my parents are really interested in how I do things in my process, then they learn to value that themselves. It's amazing. And I know one of the ways that you've helped me with my middle daughter about this kind of helping with the process is when you explain to us how to talk to perfect girl or perfect kid or perfect boy inside of them. And that was such, I know you can explain it so much better than I can explain it, but that was such a change for my daughter to recognize perfectionism inside of her and to recognize that. And for me as well, it was just amazing.

This is one of my favorite things to talk about. I mean, perfectionism, right, is actually an urge. A lot of us have that takes us out of that learning space, right? Because learning is messy. Resilience is messy, right? And perfectionism is the urge to just like have it all neatly tied up to make the flower look exactly the way you wanted it to look to spell every single word

correctly and Suzy you and I have talked about both of us have daughters who can be really perfectionistic and that's actually something that gets in the way of doing new things and learning so I think that there's a Feeling a lot of us have when we see kind of perfectionism in our kids where we wanna shut it down. We wanna say something to them like, no, it doesn't have to be perfect

or your flowers good enough. We wanna convince them out of the perfectionism. Right. And yet we build resilience by helping our kids sit with their hard feelings, sit with all the things inside of them, including their perfectionism. And so, that's a really different framework. I need to help my kid relate to her perfectionism, not kill off or get out of their perfectionism, that actually is what enables staying in that learning space and being resilient. And yes, there's kind of a methodology to this.

So I think it's best to talk about these things at the moment, right? It's always best to strike when the iron is not hot because anxiety is lower. We can actually learn better when we're not overwhelmed. And so for anyone here who has a kid with some perfectionistic urges, start this type of conversation. Do you know that I have a perfect girl inside me? Do you know that I have a perfect voice inside me making it your own before you introduce it to your child helps your child take it in because now it doesn't feel like they're doing something wrong or they're alone. And you might continue because now it doesn't feel like they're doing something wrong or they're alone.

And you might continue because a kid usually is interested like, what is my mom? What is my dad talking about? Well, when I do certain things, like when I start drawing, my perfect girl and me, she always says the same thing. Becky, perfect, perfect has to be perfect if it's not perfect, put it away. Perfect, perfect has to be perfect. it's not perfect, put it away. Perfect, perfect has to be perfect if it's not perfect, put it away. She always says that to me. And maybe I would add more, you know, I think that voice really loves to do things a certain

way, but sometimes she really gets in my way because as we know, no one can really ever be perfect. And that's not really what we're trying to do. And so what we're really doing with our child is we're separating. So it's really deep. We're separating who my kid is from what this voice is saying. And this is really true for adults too that we're only ever really overwhelmed by a feeling when it takes over us, when we're able to name it

or look at it, now it's just a part of us. And this is what we really want to do with our kids who have perfectionistic tendencies. And once you've talked about that with yourself, you can often then kind of align with your kid. As in, huh, I wonder if you have a perfect voice too. I wonder if that's what comes up when and whatever feels relevant when you're drawing or when you're doing math or when you're doing all of your new reading assignments. It's like there's this voice that says perfect, perfect and what that voice does. It could be so loud that it gets in our way of hearing a different voice that I know we both have and that is our I can do hard things. And what this really sets up is a really different intervention because then you can say

to your child, let's say before the next time she reads, let's do something different today. I want you to let me know when that perfect voice comes up. Let's just say hi to her. I know I'm going to try that too. You're going to be reading here. I'm going to be working on my work project and I'm going to be saying, oh, there's my perfect girl, high-perfect girl. I see you. And then maybe we can just also look for that other voice in us. And you're really modeling this way of relating to a feeling, relating to a thought without having that thought dictate what comes next. So that's the idea.

Tell me how that's played out for you and your home. So with my daughter, it was during a specific time where she was working on writing her numbers, which was, this was her Everest, this was her hill, this was her hill to climb was learning to print numbers. And it was very frustrating and these feelings that she would have during it were just overwhelming for her and would cause kind of a full collapse of the of the morning. And so I did my best Dr. Becky and I leaned into it with her and we talked

about perfect, perfect Kate living inside. And what what were we gonna say to her and how were we gonna approach this when we felt these feelings. We're gonna name it just like we name every other feeling but you know this is in a feeling that we often name but we're gonna start naming it. Yeah and a few minutes later she's in the middle of writing and she jumps up and she says mom I heard her I heard perfect Kate and she jumps up and she says, Mom, I heard her. I heard perfect Kate. And she said, I have to make my five just right and she said my five wasn't perfect and I said, stop it. I'm learning. And you know, then I just sat on the couch and I cried for like five minutes because she had so beautifully handled this moment in her life. But this was this was a huge

breakthrough for her. For her to feel not ashamed of the feeling of perfect and To not also succumb to the feeling of perfect and you know, throw the paper away push the book away walk away from from this number five And it was just such a beautiful moment for her and I think one of the biggest things that I learned from you about this kind of perfect thing, we are so often dismissive of perfect, you know, we tell our kids, you know, to name when you're sad, name when you're mad, name when you're angry, name when you're frustrated. But the second that they show any incling of perfectionism, we're very quick to say, you don't need to be perfect, you don't have to be perfect, you don't need to do that just

right? And instead, we have to start learning to name that feeling too, to honor the fact that that is a feeling too. And that was certainly something that I was not doing in my house. I'd never really considered perfectionism as a feeling, the way that everything else is.

And one of the best things you ever said to me was, we can't unfeel feelings. And I just lost it when you said that because it was so true because no matter how much I want her to not feel perfectionism and not feel this drive to have to do everything perfect, I can't ask her to unfeel something she's feeling. And so instead reframing it and refraising it and giving her power to talk to that person to know that that perfect inside of her is just driving her to want to be the best she can be.

But at the same time doesn't need to overwhelm her. I mean that was that was this parent-name moment that I can look back on and just sit and marvel and kind of be an awe over that something so simple had such a profound impact on her and also than me. So I mean it's so powerful and so touching for you to relate that back to me. And, you know, when I think about my kids as they get older, I'm sure you too, like, that's insanely powerful for Kate when she is in high school or in college or in her first job, right? I think we think so often about building our kids like concrete abilities, right?

They're reading, they're math, and those things obviously matter, right? And yet, our ability to engage and learn, that depends on our emotion regulation skills. Emotion regulation is the foundation for all academic or on the job learning because I don't know anyone by the time they're an adult who says I was really perfectionist when I was kid but yeah my parent they got it all out of me they just got it out

they just you know sucked it all out and I've never had a perfectionist I thought again and so I just love to learn and learn from my mistakes that's never happened that will never happen. So either by the time a kid is 16 or 36, either a kid can say, I've learned how to relate to my perfectionism. I know when it's helping me. I also know when it's a little bit on overdrive. I don't hate on it.

I kind of have a playful relationship with it and that helps me access something else. Or they don't hate on it. I kind of have a playful relationship with it and that helps me access something else Or they don't and if they don't the perfectionism Takes over or they feel totally stagnant and they feel stalled and it's like I can't do anything Unless it's perfect and we don't want our kids with those options and so Preparing our kids for life actually comes from preparing our kids for life, actually comes from helping them feel all their feelings, all their parts, all their urges, and what a gift to kind of wire our kids with real skills to manage the things inside them because that is going to help them really show that

resilience as they get older. Well, and I often think about how, especially in early childhood, we pump kids full of very concrete skills, skills that are testable, skills that are measurable, ABCs, colors, shapes, things like that. And ultimately, at the end of the day, when that child sits down in high school, what's going to determine if they keep pushing forward with trig or calculus is not going to be how old were they when they learned to identify colors, it's going to be whether or not they have the resilience and the growth mindset to just keep trying and to keep walking.

You know, when we think we have to think more long term with our kids, we have to think what are the skills they're going to need to be successful in high school. And while they do, of course, they need to read and they need math, but really, they need self-regulation skills. They need emotional confidence. They need resilience. What happens to that child in high school that thinks that failure is the end? What happens? And I think that that's something we really have to look long-term at and say, you know, while we have these frustrating moments right now where perfectionism creeps up or gosh, they just get so angry because they can't make their five right. But if we could really help them learn how to handle that emotion instead of pushing it

away, where that's going to move them to in middle school and high school is to being the middle school or in high school that you want your kid to be, that you dream of your child being. Yes, when my child is like struggling, putting together a puzzle or struggling reading, I do say to myself, yes. I'm like, yes, this is such a bang for my buck moment with my child, like I can get in there and I can help wire something

That's going to help my child for decades. You know what my child doesn't need help with succeeding like feeling great. Wow. I scored the goal. Wow. I Figured out this math problem with no help. Wow. I drew that rainbow exactly the way I wanted it, my first time. I don't know any adult who says that went exactly the way I wanted it to go and I have no skills to manage this situation. I'm just a mess.

It doesn't happen. So it's kind of an amazing reframe to think I can have the biggest impact during my kids hardest times when my kids says, I can't read and my friends can to take a breath and say, everything good happens right now. I mean, it's not going to turn into a good, enjoyable moment. It's not like my kids look back at me in those moments and say, Mom, you're amazing. Now, I feel like I can take on the world. No, it's a, it's a messy. But if I can slow down, and this is where I want to go because for us to tolerate

Our kids distress for us to be able to stay in that moment when our kids says I'm not doing it anymore because it's not perfect We have to be able to regulate some of the feelings we have in that moment We have to be able to access and this is that other term our own growth mindset We have to be able to access, and this is that other term, our own growth mindset. We have to be able to look at this moment and say, wait, I'm looking at my five-year-old who's struggling in this way. That doesn't mean my child's going to struggle in this way every time. This doesn't mean this is going to be the type of learner my child is forever. This is that moment.

That's hard. And if I can stay with it, if I can show my child, I'm not afraid of the, oh, I can't do it moment. If I can regulate myself and show up, then that's the first step for my child accessing that same. So I'm curious for you then, like your kid's doing a Lego and they say,

oh, I'm not doing this. Like how do you stay calm? How do you stay hopeful? I think, you know, first of all, you have to take the deep breath. You have to because you can't, they're not doing it on purpose, they're not doing it to pick on you,

they're not doing it as a targeted attack and this isn't gonna go on your permanent record. So, take a beat, you know, we often rush in to what we believe is the right answer when we just take in half a second and said, yeah, this is hard. Or what I'm about to go through as a parent is going to be hard and even honor that inside yourself. But I just take a deep breath and I sit next to them and I say, yes, it is hard. And it isn't coming easy. And not everything is going to, and I say yes, it is hard and it isn't coming easy and not everything

is going to. But I'm going to be here next to you to support you because I believe you can do hard things. And I'm going to be here when you're ready because I know right now you're maybe a little hot under the collar and nothing ever goes well when we're hot under the collar. So let's take a minute. We'll take a drink of water, we'll sit together. And what you really said, Susie, is what's the first thing I do when my child gets overwhelmed or wants to shut down? I try to be that com presence that they can't be, right? And I think that's so much more valuable than we think.

We often think, what's the exact right thing to say? And these little phrases, they're helpful. And we've even said some of them today. But more important than that is our child is in a state of everything is awful. And if we can access our state of, wait, we're safe. And we can get through this, which really we do by staying regulated, taking that deep breath ourselves, then what our kid learns, I think our really our kid absorbs it in their body is wait there's someone here who's not overwhelmed by the thing that's overwhelming me so it's possible

When instead and I've been there myself, I know we're both totally normal parents when we say come on This is not that hard. Why do you give up so easily? What we're really saying to our kid is you're overwhelmed and kind of scared, I'm overwhelmed and scared. So how could our kid learn to quote be resilient when we are sending them that same message of impossibility? So I really think for parents, just to remember, when I say nothing, but just try to access that comp presence and what you said of, I'm here.

It's really the same as the perfect girl strategy. Kate says to her perfect girl, kind of like, hey, I'm here. Now the perfect girl isn't alone. When we say to our kids, I'm here, they're not alone. And when we're not alone, everything is more possible. So I think that's so, so important. One of the things I often like to challenge myself with and other parents with is to treat your child the way you would treat your

friend. And I don't mean that in the way that like, you know, they're gonna be your best friend. But if your friend came to you frustrated because they couldn't get this meal right, you wouldn't respond back with screaming at them that they can do hard things and you're gonna be fine. And it's not a big deal that you couldn't cook this meal. You're gonna listen, you're gonna be calm, you're gonna respond back, you're gonna mirror back. Yeah, I'm so sorry, that sounded like it was really hard.

Oh my goodness, that sounds terrible. And we just would never do some of the things to our friends that we end up accidentally doing to our children. And that's just such a, something to hold on to and something to think about when you're in those tough moments. If this was my friend sitting next to me, and if my friend was yelling these same things,

which we all have been in that moment, where our friend comes to us, they're upset about work, they're upset about their mother and mother, they're upset about this. And're upset about their mother and mother, they're upset about this. And we have to respond back appropriately, we have to be kind of the calm person and help them through it. So if we can do that same thing to our children, if we can afford them that same grace that we give to our friends, that just little twist can also help so much in these regulation

moments. And I think we can bring that full circle to ourselves. I imagine there's parents listening who are thinking, oh my goodness, I don't do any of this. I have messed up my child, no wonder my child has such a low frustration tolerance. I totally freak out when my kid freaks out, I'm the worst parent.

So if we're thinking about the ways we can help our kids tolerate hard feelings and keep going, we have so many opportunities to practice that by noticing our own narrative to ourselves when we're struggling in a moment of parenting. And same thing with a friend, I can't imagine anybody listening, if they had a friend who called and said, I listened to this podcast and there were some interesting ideas,

but I feel like I'm not doing it. I don't think any of us would say, well, yeah, you're pretty awful, parents, that's why. Like, that would never happen. I'm pretty sure someone would say, you're so amazing and brave for listening to something and considering a new idea and thinking about trying something new. You're basically the best human being in the whole world and you're inspiring me.

So maybe right now we can all take that moment and remind ourselves, I'm learning to, I'm practicing, I'm doing enough because just like we say for our kids, we have to regulate those hard feelings to learn, we have to regulate those kind of, I'm not a good parent feeling to learn and try something now. And I think we have to look at just what's manageable for you tomorrow. Just pick one action item, one thing. It's overwhelming to climb a mountain.

That's one thing. Can tomorrow be the day that you pick three times, make a goal, three times tomorrow, I'm gonna show my kid my resilience. I'm in a model failure. I'm going to explain how I'm working through this problem. So that my child sees they're not the only one doing this. Start there, start small.

This isn't about biting everything off. This isn't about climbing Everest tomorrow morning. This is just about taking one step and having that in your brain. That's all. And I know you and I both put out a lot of information to parents, right? But I know me and you have talked about, yeah, I hope people don't think we're like doing those things all the time with our own kids.

Like really people should do that. You're very human. We're very human, right? And I sometimes read one of your posts. Sometimes, honestly, I read one of my own posts and I I'm like, I'm really gonna try to do that today. That's a really good idea Dr. Becky had because busy toddler isn't the mom of her kids. Dr. Becky isn't the mom of her kids.

Becky is the mom, Suzy is the mom, and both of us struggle, we yell, we mess up, we react, and we both need the advice. We put out there. I'm equally learning a lot today, listening to this podcast. 100%. And I love that kind of very active takeaway. Take one thing.

You might have heard three things. Oh, I could bottle struggling, or maybe I could tell a story of when I was young and something was hard, or I could do more realistic regulation I could tell a story of when I was young and something was hard or I Could do more realistic regulation instead of just the wrapping it up nicely or I like that thing about This feels hard because it is hard. Maybe I'll write that up on my kids room like one one one Don't even think about two one one one one and this you could always listen to again You can come back I think that's so important where then building our own ability to learn and try new things, that is going to be something.

And even anyone listening to this, what an amazing opportunity to even bring this to your kids and say, I listened to something that was really interesting. And it made me think about how we approach hard things in our family. And I have a new idea. I listened to something. At first I thought, I don't know this. I don't know this. This is new. I'm not really sure. And I wanted to stop listening. And then I took a deep breath. And I just learned one new thing. Like what an amazing story to even bring this to life with your kids. It's amazing. When we can show our kids that we're learning too, that we're evolving too, and that we can look and say,

you know, I don't think we were doing that quite right. We're gonna make a shift here. That is, that's a gift in itself, right there. I think that's everything. This parenting thing, it's relentless, it's an ending. It is as hard as it feels, right? We're raising human beings who have different needs, who are different from us, who often kind of pull

on our exact triggers. So we're working on ourselves while we're taking care of small humans and probably doing a lot of other things. That's a lot. So giving ourselves that credit is what really I think opens up space to try that one new thing. One new thing. All right, Susie, this was amazing. I love connecting with you. Oh, always a pleasure. You always have pleasure.

I love talking with Susie. It's always so much fun to connect. Let's tie this all together with three takeaways. One. Resilience isn't figuring out an answer when things feel hard. Resilience is the ability to tolerate when things feel hard and you don't have the answer. Yet. This reframe really allows us to focus our energy on helping our kids stay in that process of learning rather than trying to just get to the end of learning.

2. Model Struggling Yourself Think about how hard it would be for you to learn if you were only around people who did things easily. Work on a tough crossword puzzle around your child and struggle with it. Mess up while cooking dinner. Talk about a hard project at work. This normalizes struggling and shows your kids without any lectures that everyone has to work hard. 3. Help your kid relate to their perfectionism instead of encouraging them to get rid of it.

We can't get rid of the feelings and urges in our bodies. We can only leave them alone or offer connection and curiosity. Connection and curiosity are always key elements in regulation. So teach your child to say, hi, to a perfect voice, and maybe even talk about your own perfect part inside you. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At GoodInside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider.

My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram. Dr. Becky at Goodynside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Roro and Brad Gage, and executive produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review. And if you really like the episode, please share it with someone you know. Many of you tell me that sharing an episode has allowed you to start conversations

about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members, and to bond and connect with fellow cyclebreakers. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you