Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Deep Dive: How Do We Respond to a Child’s Pretend Weapon Play?

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

What do you do when your child pretends to have a gun? First, take a deep breath. There's nothing wrong with your child, and this doesn't mean they want to harm anyone. Young kids often go through a phase of pretending to have weapons as a way of exploring big ideas like good and bad, power, control, and more. In this Deep Dive episode, Dr. Becky talks with parents Nina and Tom, whose three-year-old recently pointed his finger at his parents and said "Pish! Pish!" She explains what's going on underneath pretend gun play, and models actionable strategies and scripts for responding in the moment. The three also discuss how to navigate delicate conversations around gun safety with kids, and why it's important to differentiate between pretend guns and real guns. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So, I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work

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our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. This week I'm going to do a deep dive about a frequently asked about topic. What do we do when our child engages in pretend gunplay? Nina, who you may know from her lifestyle and motherhood Instagram page, Balkan Nina, and her husband Tom come to me with this exact concern.

Their nearly three-year-old son, Dom, loves to play pretend with his parents, and recently pointed his fingers at his parents and said, Pish, Pish. Nina and Tom didn't know what to do. Is this normal? Is this okay? Should a parent shut this down and say, we don't play like that.

What is going on for a child in these moments and what is a parent to do? Before we jump in, let me say this. This is not an episode about guns, but rather about how to respond to themes of aggression and power that manifest in pretend play. After all, pretend play is truly where kids communicate about complicated topics. Yes, we'll be talking about how to respond to pretend gunplay, but truly we'll be talking about something universal and so important. How do we use play to help kids learn to manage the entire range of feelings and thoughts and urges

they have. So that feelings and thoughts and urges become manageable, become able to be regulated, become able to be controlled so they're not acted out in behavior toward others. With that in mind, let's jump in. Hello. welcome. Tell us a little bit about you, the two of you, your family, and what's on your mind today. Hi, so my name is Nina. And I'm Tom. And we are parents of a toddler. His name is Dominic. We call him Dom.

And he is going to be three. And he is a wild child. He loves to play outside and he's really into pretend play right now and lately probably in the last month or so he's been really into weapon play and good and evil play like good cop robbers and it all started with spider webs from Spider-Man. He saw at daycare kids playing and then it went to I'm gonna piss you and we figured out Pissue was pistol and he would randomly pick up things at home that looked like so I have a massage gun he would pick that up and say, I'm going to piss you. And then it escalated into him saying, I'm going to shoot you. This was probably about two weeks ago at the dinner table. So it went from, I'm going to piss you to, I'm going to shoot you. And we are pretty concerned about him saying that to us and to people, we don't know, is it normal?

What do we do? How do we respond? So that's what we're kind of at. Great. So let's jump in and you asked a question in there that I think is probably the best one to start with, which is, is this normal, right? Because I think we're often looking at our kids with, which is, is this normal, right? Because I think we're often looking at our kids asking that question. And when we worry some things outside of the range, then we often respond to our kids mostly from our own anxiety and less so from anything that might actually be happening for our kids. So let's start there. Gunplay, good and evil play, gunplay meaning, oh, I am putting my fingers like a gun or I'm saying the word shoot really, really normal for young kids. And one of the things you're really on to is that he's really thinking

about themes of good and bad in these binaries, right, and a very kind of black and white, and he's also seemingly involved with themes of power, like who has power, right? And those themes are really popular themes to kind of come up and play for young kids. So I think that's a really important starting point. This is normal. And to me the next question is what's really going on for Dom in these moments, right? We see this snippet in the surface in our kids play. So he might say, oh boom, I shoot you. Or some kids even say, oh daddy you're dead, right? Like

say something like that. And you're like, whoa, okay. What's going on here? And to me, in general, moving from the question, is this normal to what is happening for my child and what does my child need in this moment is always a good pathway. Whatever it is, the type of play they're doing, they're hitting someone, they're struggling to read when they're older, they're having trouble making friends.

To me, one of the best things we can do as a parent is move from, is this normal to, huh, what's going on for my child and what does my child need? And so I think one of the things are saying with Dom is he's trying to explore themes of who's in charge, who has power, who has control, who can influence someone else, what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad. And I actually think it's very heartening that these themes are on his mind because it shows that he's he's trying to figure them out, right?

And when kids are trying to figure things out They don't talk about it with their parents. They don't say hey mom. Hey, dad. Um, I'm kind of curious how power and control work No, they they talk about it in play and so I think that's almost like the first step is to look at his play as a communication like the first step is to look at his play as a communication of what's on his mind and what he's trying to figure out. Rather than only seeing his play through the spectrum of, oh my goodness, he is violent or aggressive. Does that make sense so far?

Yeah, totally. The other thing I'll say right off the bat that I always think about is as kids, they often explore themes and extremes before they figure out nuance, right? So a lot of kids, they do this in power, they do this with gender, right? They're saying, that's a girl thing, that's a boy thing. And one of the things I think as we get older is we kind of can reclaim things that, you know, are another boy and a girl. They're just us, right? Or what's good and what's bad?

And I think a lot of us adults often think, well, good and bad are, like, pretty extreme words. And there's actually a lot of nuance, right, in between. Three-year-olds don't have that capacity. So they're exploring things on a kind of extreme as a way of trying to figure out something that's in the middle. And definitely with power and control, that's the case.

So maybe we can jump into like a little more specific. Tell me a little bit more about when this comes up and play with you, how this actually might surface, whether it has, you think, oh, for all I know, it's going to come out, you know, as soon as we're with him, you know, playing in our basement or wherever you are. And then we can get into more of the specifics around how to respond in a way that actually speaks to these themes of power and kind of good, bad that are on his mind.

It's only happened. Like, he's only said, I'm going to shoot you a couple times. And both times felt very innocent. It didn't feel, we were just playing, like, at dip for him and Tom, they were just at the dinner table. And he just was giggling and laughing. And speaking of power struggles at dinner, we do have a lot of issues of sit in your chair Don't stand up. So I don't I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I'm not sure and then

With me when he said it to me It was very playful while we were playing He has a Lego set that's a police officer and a robber. And he always likes to play with that. So he knows that a robber is a bad guy. He knows that the police officer has guns. So he said it to me then, I'm going to shoot you. Great. So let me let me jump in right there because to me knowing that we can build so many skills in play, I know

for me makes me excited for moments when my kid wants to engage me in play because then a part of my brain reminds me, oh really good things can happen here, right? Really, really important things happen for kids in play because even that term, kids are playing around with ideas, right? They're experimenting. So let's say Nina he's with you and he's you know playing either cops and robbers and he says to you, I'm gonna shoot you, right? So the first thing I would do is take a deep breath and just say okay, shooting is the thing I hear on the surface underneath are themes of power and control, good, bad, right, wrong, all of us, I think think about those themes, right?

So here's a way after we kind of calm down our own body. Here's what I see myself, maybe doing or saying with my three-year-old who might say that to me. Ooh, you have something really, really powerful, huh? So just speaking to what's happening underneath in that moment, slows down the moment. So it's less about the pretend pistol in his hand and more about what he's actually trying to figure out. Right? So a couple of comments that that could kind of slow down that moment. Oh, you're really powerful right now. Oh, you seem to have that pistol and I don't, huh? Or, ooh, what should I do when you do that, Dom?

What should I do? So again, instead of us saying, we don't play with guns or that's not nice, which kind of shuts down not only the play, but it shuts down whatever he was trying to figure out in the play. We're just kind of putting this almost a container around it by R being willing to be curious and not reactive around it. What do you think he would say if you said to him, what should I do when you when you do that? What do you want me to do if you kind of whispered that damn what might he say?

You would whisper back Something about poop probably in his current stage You might do something like that. Yeah, he might just get really silly or or if you said am I supposed to am I supposed to fall down Am I supposed to get mad what What am I supposed to do? So what you're really doing there is you're doing something he's not quite capable of yet, which is actually less about the gun and more again about these themes of power, right?

More about, okay, so did he do something and now you are impacted by it, right? Three-year-olds are also often trying to figure out how much impact do I have in the world? Like, do I matter? Do I get to make decisions? Can I have influence over others? Right, I happen to know also from you, Nina,

that you just had another child. Mm-hmm, yes. So themes of power and who's bigger and who's in charge and who gets to make decisions and who has the most attention, I'm sure, are on his mind more than they were six months ago, right, when he never had a question those things. So, let's keep in mind that new sibling dynamic and how that totally shook up your family

and totally shook up Dom's life. This is without a doubt a time when kids are looking for ways to express power in play. Okay, let's get back to the moment when Dom pretends to shoot you. I guess I see a bunch of options when a kid comes to a parent and says, oh, I shot you or oh, I'm shooting you, right? The first officer is saying,

like, we don't say something like that. That's not nice. And then what ends up happening is two things in that option. Number one, it becomes more enticing because all of us want to do things that parents tell us not to do, right? There's something now, oh, kind of extra special about that, right? And it becomes that much more intriguing, right?

The other thing that happens when we shut it down is whatever this play was really about, we'll never know, right? When instead we a little bit play it cool about the gun play itself and pause and kind of inquire into the themes underneath, what we actually do is something really powerful. We take the moment and it becomes less about him kind of looking at us as if he has you know a gun between his thumb and his pointer finger and Instead we move it to what's actually going on for him which are these themes of power or control or influence or impact so By just pausing and saying to him Oh, what am I supposed to do when you do that or Or, oh, even, oh, do you have one of those in your fingers?

Am I supposed to do that too? Oh no, only you. Oh, okay, so only you have one, huh? Seems like you're in charge. It seems like you have the power, and I have no power, huh? Right, or, oh, I'm supposed to fall down when you do that. Huh? What happened to me? So what I'm really doing is I'm actually getting more into Dom's mind by just asking questions. I'm not assuming

I know what this is about. And then taking the moment away from just this push that he did, right? And I'm actually exploring these ideas that led to that moment in the first place. I mean, I think it makes a complete sense. I literally would have never thought about it like that. Like you said, it's scary to hear your child say that and you only think about what's on the surface. How do you react when it does happen in public? And will it, if we engage, will

it continue to be an issue or will it continue to be a thing? You know, maybe I'm jumping ahead here, but how do we talk about guns and properly? How do we talk about using the properly and being safe? Because he will have guns in his life and in the future with hunting and et cetera. So I think you just highlighted everything that's super important. So when you say jumping ahead, it's as if you had a window into my brain

and these different themes. One of the words that comes up for me is boundaries. Like, is it okay to play this anywhere? Is it the same as, you know, playing soccer? Or is it okay to play these games someplace and with some people and not others? And how do you explain that to your kids? Then I think another thing I think about

with play that involves themes of power and aggression is how do we help our kids understand that some kids might not want to play that? And how can we prepare them for that moment in daycare where another kid might say, oh, I don't like that. And to me, it's less about whether my kid brings it up or not, but that next step of I want my kid to respect someone else's not being comfortable. And then where's this line between pretend play that involves pretend guns and living in a home that in your real home has real guns, right? So I think those are excellent points. So I think one of the things that brings us all together is

that given he's bringing the idea of power into play with pretend guns, you can use play to actually work on so many these skills around consent and boundaries. So here's something, because I remember when I was taking it back, when my first child brought in these themes of kind of guns and shooting to our pretend play world. I actually remember, we were, I remember the first time

it happened, because it was so jarring, we were playing with like a farm animal scene. It was like a duck and a pig and he was like the duck he's like I'm gonna shoot you pig I was like whoa like I thought we were I thought we were having a nice day in the farm you know like what's going on and it did take me a back right so I think there's this general theme of can I label and understand with my kid what's going on under the play, that when he comes out with a gun, I come back at him with this theme of, oh, you're in charge, you're powerful, right? So we can do that. Consent, I think, is a really important topic to explore in play with kids.

And I think you can model for him. Let's say one day he, again, brings the theme into play. Either of you can say to him, I don't want to play that way today. I think this is such an important thing for kids to hear sometimes, especially when we know our kid is playing in a way that other kids might not want to. I could see myself saying,

I don't want to play that way today. That's tricky. You do. And I don't. What do we do? I love this as a question. You do and I don't. What do we do? I love this as a question. What do we do when you want to play a certain way with someone and they don't want to play that way?

Because if I step out of that role, play in a way where again on the theme of power and control, it is an interesting thing. What if you really want to play with a friend and play cops and robbers and they don't? Right? We're in my mind, and I think, right, I think we agree on this. When someone says no, kind of the no trumps the wish. Someone else can want to play that way,

but if another kid says no, the no kind of wins in that situation. And I think that's really important to teach kids early. And I would say it in a non-shaming way, because shame only would make again the themes of gunplay, even not much more enticing. I'd say something like this after I said, I don't want to play. I might say, here's something really tricky. When someone says no, we listen to them, even if our body is saying yes.

Oh, that's so hard, right? You say, oh, but I want to play and I have this idea. And I want to shoot you. And I say, I don't like that. And oh, we kind of have to practice doing this, Dom. Okay, I guess I'll find someone else or do something else. Maybe we can practice that. No, let me be clear.

When I say to my kids, let me practice this. It's often them hearing me do it again. They might say, mom, you're being annoying and not cooperate, but you're modeling this for him. Right? So to kind of put that in an arc, he might say, mom, I shoot you. You could say, I don't really want to play that today. Oh, that's kind of tricky. What do we do if I say no? And you say, yes, it makes me think even when you're back at daycare, what if you want to play that today. Oh, that's kind of tricky. What do we do if I say no and you say yes, it makes me think even when you're back at daycare, what if you want to play? Cops and robbers and someone doesn't.

That's kind of tricky, right? And when someone says no, it's a no with that person, you have to play something else with that person or find someone else to play with. Oh, that's so hard, right? Now, I'm not sure what I'll do next, with. Oh, that's so hard. Right? Now, I'm not sure what I'll do next, but to me, that's really important when we have a kid who's playing in a way that we

recognize other kids might not want to do. That in their home, they've had a little practice for those situations. So that when they're in daycare, it's not this totally new situation where a child's like, oh, no one else in daycare, it's not this totally new situation. Where a child's like, oh, no one else has ever said, no to me before. That's really hard to hear no for the first time, right? So I don't think you have to do that every time,

but I could see, you know, alternating here and there. So sometimes I'm kind of engaging, and at other times, I do put up that kind of boundary. I think that makes sense. Yeah, no, I like that a lot. I think it'd be the best if we could alternate who is doing the play and everything too, would probably help even more. Same more about that Tom, that like in terms of it's not just one of you who does that kind

of aggressive play and one of you who doesn't. Yeah, so that way he doesn't confuse it with, okay, this person always wants to play like this and this person never does and there's times when people will want to play, times when people won't want to play certain things. Yeah. I think that would help us a lot.

And I think that's great also from just like even a gender role perspective that it's not, given that he's your son, it's not just like, oh, this is a daddy thing and mommy doesn't like guns, right? She's a you know, we don't we I think that's like really nice to vary that and then to actually combine this to what we were talking about earlier One of the things I think that gets kids over time less obsessed with kind of shooting play is When they feel like there's other

Areas where they can explore those themes that's driving the shooting play, but they can do that without the guns themselves. So I could see saying, yeah, I'm not really, not really in the mood to play anything with pretend guns today. But it seems like you want to be really, really powerful. Seems like you really want to show me you're in charge right now. Hmm, I wonder if there's anything else we can do. And then I might add something with a little levity. Like, I hope you don't tell me that

I have to. I don't know. Crawl like a baby. Like, to the kitchen and get you water. I really hope you don't tell me that because, oh, that would be so annoying. And then my guess is you would tell you, like, oh, Daddy, crawl like a baby to the, you know, the kitchen and get me water. And I can see myself making that bigger. Wow, you're really in charge right now, Ha-Dom, like you are really powerful. You tell me to crawl like a baby, and I'm gonna crawl like a baby. I don't wanna crawl like a baby.

And because you said it and, hmm, I guess I'm gonna do it. So you're giving him another place to play around with themes of power and control, but now it doesn't have a pretend gun, right? So, and I think that's really, really what kids are looking for. That our kids, I always think about this one time, it was when my son was three.

I remember putting him in a stroller, and he just looks at me and he goes, where am I going? I was like, oh my goodness, that's, that's like the plate of a child. There's like, what's happening to me? Right? Like, I don't know anything about the day and my mom just probably plot me in this roller

and is taking me out. And I think around this time when our kids are about three, they understand so much more in the world. They see so much. They have a capacity cognitively to understand so much more in the world. They see so much. They have a capacity cognitively to understand so much. They feel like bigger kids all of a sudden. And I think it's not a surprise why so many

these themes come up and play, that they're trying to figure out their own power and their own abilities. So even weaving in comments like that right throughout the day, like when you say, oh, what do you want for breakfast? And he says, I wanna toast anything. I could say, wow, you're a domin,

you really know who you are, you really know, you want to toast for breakfast. It's interesting, you see mommy having yogurt, you're having toast, you're different from me, you really know yourself. You're actually kind of also speaking to these themes, he's trying to figure out in play, am I my own person? Am I separate? Right? Can I say something? Can I have influence? And so totally separate from a gun, we're talking about making a decision for breakfast. We're really highlighting that we know his sense of his own power is on his mind.

And we're, again, giving him different opportunities to explore that. Yeah, I think that makes sense. What about if, I don't know, I guess I'm just concerned, like if we're playing guns with him at home, how do we incorporate the safety and, and, yeah. Well, guns are for, you address like the deep roots of what's going on in his head. But then now let's get to like the actual gun. Like how do we talk about guns to a three year old in a way that he'll know that those are dangerous. Yeah. So I think a first step, knowing that you're saying we have guns in the house, we have real guns, that are not silly, and they're not just about play, right?

They're real, and we want to make sure he knows that. So one thing you can do right away, if he brings this into play, like, oh, daddy, I shot you, right? I find myself in those situations, sometimes whispering to my into play like, oh daddy, I shot you, right? I find myself in those situations sometimes whispering to my kids, like this is just pretend, right? Like this is just pretend, right? This is a pretend gun, I just wanna make sure

because oh, real guns are so scary. Like I don't want anything to do and usually a kid will say, yeah, it's a pretend gun, it's my finger, right? So again, I'm just kind of putting a label around this moment and getting on the same page as my child, that this is a pretend situation. Now, separate from that, I think you're

talking about gun safety for your child and how do we talk to our kid about this in the context of him being into pretend play with guns and power, right? So I think that you've said that you haven't talked to him about it yet. No. No. Tell me what he sees, what he knows, what is his baseline? Because I think that's always important to come to before we, you know, have any strategies. I don't think he really has had any exposure from us, like personally. We don't watch anything that has it. We don't think he really has had any exposure from us personally. We don't watch anything that has it.

We don't talk about it. He's never actually seen any of mine. He saw a holster one time and he asked what it was. He said, oh, that's a thing for one of Daddy's tools. The only time he's ever probably had any exposure is at daycare or around any other older kids places where we haven't introduced it. So we don't really know exactly how it's been brought up to him, what he's seen. If it's from video games, if it's from like cops and robbers, if it's from cartoons, we honestly don't know. So one of the things that comes up around gun safety to me is there's explaining why we have them or explaining what hunting is.

And then there's also just concrete behavioral steps for a kid to know early on about what to do if you see a real gun, right? So those are a little more straightforward. So I think we can start there and then keep going. But I think about four things and to make them really simple with kids, which is stop, don't touch, walk away, find an adult. And I think those four things, like they give a visual

and their even things kids can practice, right? Stop, don't touch, walk away, find an adult. One of the things our kids naturally do when they see something interesting is they move toward it just from a pure bodily perspective, right? Adults do too. Kids see you've got some new food at the grocery store and that you can picture and be like,

oh, what is that? And they look in the bag. So a gun, one of the things we want to make sure to teach kids is we want our kids to do the opposite of that reaction. We want them to move away, right? So I think one of the things you can teach him when it comes to real guns is, oh, we're pretending with guns, right? We're pretending. Sometimes we pretend and even put your fingers, how he might. Ooh, and then there's real guns. And I would say, real guns are for adults who have had special courses or classes and how

to use them. They're not for kids, right? To really make a differentiation. And actually, one of the things kids should know and we could even practice is four things. Stop, don't touch, walk away, find an adult. And kids can even go through this behaviorally, right? Where I could see with him, you're like, show me stop, you could stop. Show me walk away. And then you could, and like, I would make a big deal out of walking away because kids watching your body do this is Again, it goes against their natural curiosity, which is move toward right so stop walk away

Find an adult so Pretend with his fingers is one thing. Yeah, but what about like water guns and like We don't have any toy guns, but I feel like toy guns look so real nowadays. I feel like that's such a great area. Do we allow toy guns? He's gonna see them like he's playing outside with our neighbors right now and those boys are playing with water guns. So it's like what what do we how do we? Because I feel like it's important to know the safety of like, okay, we treat anything that looks like a gun and we don't point it at anyone's head or body and we always

ask permission if they want to play, but any toy gun that actually looks like a gun, I don't actually see any need to have anything like that in the home. I think that they get kids in trouble, right? We never want our child to be mistaken for having a gun, right? So I think that that's okay to set as a baseline, right? And you can even say that. If they're like, well, why does this kid have this toy? I like that.

I would just say, it's really fun to play and to play pretend. And toys that look like real guns, those are actually dangerous. Our main job is to make sure you're safe and we never will buy an item for you. That could end up making things less safe. Water guns, I'll be honest. I feel different about then things

that kind of could look like a real gun. You know, I'm picturing kind of those super soakers or some people have nerf guns. I don't personally have a hard and fast rule there. I think that that's really for the two of you to look at each other and say, okay, is that something we want in the house? If so, when?

Do we get it in a stage when our child is obsessed with playing these things or do we actually wait till he's a little older and it seems like this isn't as big of a deal and in a way we feel better about introducing this as a toy option. But it probably at that point won't be the only toy option. I think also kind of those themes of kind of consent are really important if you have even a nerf gun There might be a kid who doesn't think it's funny Even if you have a kid who thinks oh, it's just nerf. It doesn't even hurt and those moments I think with our kids are really powerful to pause and say look your friend doesn't like playing with nerf guns and You don't find them scary your friend friend does. And in this family, we always respect other people's feelings, even if they're not the same as your own. So we're not going to have the nerf gun out during this play date, right? And in that way, I think that that allows for this

really important conversation. Again, rather than not having the conversation or avoiding it entirely, there's probably something really helpful for him about having the conversation or avoiding it entirely, there's probably something really helpful for him about having that conversation in the safety of his home with parents he feels connected to. Yeah, that makes sense. One of the things I always try to remind myself is, I'm the parent. I can make decisions. If I get a nerf gun, and then I feel like, oh, this has kind of gotten out of control.

It's the only thing my kid wants to play with. And I actually feel like my child's getting increasingly aggressive. I always remember this parent who came to me and talked about how screen time in this way. I feel like I've given my kids way too much screen time. And I just love like, and I remember this looking rise when I said to her, you can always make a different decision. And she was like, oh, I guess I could. Like I could give less screen time was like, oh, I guess I could. Like I could give less screen time. Or, oh, I've said yes to Nerf guns.

I could always take them away, right? And just reminding ourselves, like we are the parents. I can choose one thing. And then I can tell my child, it might create a tantrum or might create unhappiness. But I can tell my child, I've made a different decision. And as long as I'm auned to kind of noticing my child, I trust myself to figure this out. And if something doesn't go the way I want it to go, I can always change directions.

And I think reminding myself of that as a parent, I feel better about individual decisions I make because I realize I can keep collecting data and see where this goes and always change course. Yeah, makes total sense. I mean, I think you answered it so well and it always comes back to that. You know, it's a scary, it's a taboo topic and it's just like, how do I address this? Yeah, and you know, it's interesting. It and so many different consults and with my own kids These themes come up and everyone says is it because there's older siblings? Why are they talking about guns? Why are they talking about good bad? Why are they talking about? Nice and mean why are they talking about?

people who are Police and people who right are robbing stores. I've never even talked to my kids about that These themes are are just such human themes, right? And I remember when my son was in a group of friends where they were all first kids, and the parents, we were all wondering, well, where did they hear this? We're not watching these things on TV. And I remember a different mom said,

I think this is just what kids do. And it was kind of this simple, I was like, yeah, maybe that is, again just what kids do. And it was kind of this simple. I was like, yeah, maybe that is, again, what kids do because they're just trying to figure out how the world works. So let me know how it goes. Let me know kind of what comes up. Nina, I know you will.

Your comments nice to meet you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much, Becky, for all of your insight. Truly, I'm honored to be lead into what's happening in your family home. Thank you, both of you, for your openness in talking this through with me. I love talking with Nina and Tom about this really important nuanced topic. Let's tie it all together with three main takeaways.

One, if you have a child who plays with the ideas around shooting and guns, deep breath, this doesn't mean your child is especially aggressive or cruel or wants to harm people. Young kids are trying to figure out how the world works, whether they're powerful, whether they have impact, whether they matter. Often these themes surface and play that contains pretend guns because this is how kids can explore

feeling powerful or in charge. 2. If your child brings in pretend guns or pretend shooting in play. It's okay to go with it. You don't need to shut it down. Remember, if we shut it down, you can't do that. That's not nice. We lose our ability to figure out what our child

was trying to express or work through. So pause and then ask questions. Ask what you're supposed to do. Comment on how your child is in charge and feels powerful in that moment. The more we speak to the themes underneath the gunplay, the less power the gunplay has on its own. Three, talk about consent and how different kids might not want to play with pretend shooting. Even practice situations in your home where you say, no, I don't want to play like that.

So your child has opportunities to practice stopping and figuring out other ways of engaging with peers. Thanks for listening to Good Insight. Let's stay connected. At goodinsight.com, you could sign up for my workshops and subscribe to my free newsletter. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram. Dr. Becky at Good Inside.

Good Inside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you