Good Inside with Dr. Becky - How Do I Handle Sibling Competition?

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

It's hard for kids to share their parents. Siblings can feel like they're competing for the ultimate resource: your love and attention. While we can't get rid of those competitive feelings, we can help our kids learn to recognize and regulate them (and this of course is what leads to improved behavior!). In this week's episode, Dr. Becky offers several strategies to parents navigating sibling rivalry—from validating our kid's tricky feelings about siblinghood to encouraging cooperation to introducing mantras through play. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today we're going to be talking about siblings. We're going to get into sibling rivalry, sibling competition, and different scenarios where our kids appear on the surface like they're being pretty nasty or petty, and yet underneath, they're struggling with something

really, really painful. Here's an idea I always think about around siblinghood. Here's an idea I always think about around siblinghood. Our kids have a range of feelings about their siblings. Sibblinghood is amazing, but siblinghood is also really tricky. It's hard to share one set of parents. And so a theme of today will be thinking about helping our kids learn to manage all the different feelings that come up rather than locking our kids into believing that they're only supposed to feel one set of happy feelings about their siblings.

And so with that in mind, let's jump in. Our first caller is Kristen, with a question about her two boys. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Kristen. I'm from Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. And I have two boys. One is four, and the other one is 22 months. And the question I have is around sibling dynamics, but mostly competition.

I'm not sure where we're going wrong, and I don't know if we're inadvertently fostering some kind of competition between them. So they're both huge mama boys and will literally fight each other in order to have the privilege of giving me a hug or push the other one away in order to get to me and give me a hug. You know, there's the constant taking each other's toys, but in terms of competition, we have a lot of the older one needing to be first.

So if I help the younger one brush his teeth first, then the older one needing to be first, so if I help the younger one brushes teeth first, then the older one gets upset. Or if I help anyone do anything first, then the other one gets upset. We've used that a little bit, I think, probably in the wrong way, and said, hey, first one to the bathtub, get the pick a song to listen to. You know, sometimes we've used that when we literally can't get them to move. The first one to the best of gets to pick a song to listen to. Sometimes we've used that when we literally can't get them to move. It's the only thing that gets them off their butts and moving.

So maybe that's contributing, but we'd love to hear some thoughts on how to avoid that competitive environment, especially. Thank you so much Dr. Becky. Hi, Kristen. Thank you for calling in with a question that I think so many of us kind of resonate with. I have three kids and competition and who's first and who's getting mommy's attention. These are constant themes in my house as well. So here's a first idea. So here's a first idea. Siblings do compete for kind of what the ultimate resource is, which is a parents love and attention. And we can't fully undo competitive feelings, so we don't need to avoid them. What we do want to help our kids with is learning to recognize when those feelings come up. And for us as

parents, thinking through kind of what is my child's underlying need so that each of my kids can feel safe and secure in the family. Because when a kid feels safe and secure in who they are and in their place in the family, they become less threatened by a sibling, a sibling becomes less of a threat and can become more of a plymate. So a couple ideas that you can kind of start using right away as strategies.

First, we don't want to add any additional competition to our kids. Our kids are already looking at each other, just from evolutionary reasons. As competitors, who gets to bath first, who gets a smile from a parent, who gets three books and who gets two books, kids are already noticing that.

So we don't wanna pit our kids against each other. Instead of making races where we say which kid gets to the bath first, whoever gets first can pick a song, try to join your kids together as a team. Sometimes even you can join them as a team against you to kind of make them see each other as teammates. So you might say something like this instead. I wonder if both kids can get to the bath before I do. I wonder if two kids can get on dress with their clothes

into the hamper before I fill up the tub. I wonder if I can have two kids who do really silly, original dance moves. Let's try that. So you're kind of engaging this spirit of competition and playfulness to have your kids cooperate, but you're bringing them together instead of having them look at each other like enemies.

Second, remember that we cannot fully take away the feelings that come up around competition and comparison. So when those feelings do come up, our job is to connect to what's happening and help our kid manage those feelings which always starts with accepting and normalizing those feelings. So you might end up saying something like this.

Feels hard to have a brother, right? Or you might say, oh, when mommy's reading your brother a book, that can feel so bad. What I'm doing there is I'm showing my child that it's not wrong to have these feelings. It's not shameful. So much of our kids having trouble with their feelings involves them questioning if they can still be a good kid when having these feelings that feel kind of dark or really, really full of distress.

And when we're willing to name it and normalize it, we take away that part. That our kid is left with the feeling of competition of insecurity, but those feelings become manageable to our kids when we show them they are manageable to us. Our next caller is Jill, who has a question about her three and a half year old and five year old. Hey Becky, this is Jill, I live in California and my kids are three and a half and almost five. my kids are 3.5 and almost 5. The situation that I'm finding myself in a lot is kind of this constant competition between the two of them

for my attention essentially. And like, if I have them both in the tub at the same time, like whoever I take out first, the other one is super upset and goes into a major meltdown about being second. So it's constantly this, like, I'm always second. If I decide to take one out, you know, for a little one-on-one time or a date, it's, you know, whoever I take is the other one, get the stuff that they're my daughter, who I think is probably a people-y-feeling kid.

I have to actually do your workshop, but she's the one that's almost five, and she then kind of goes into a lot of, you don't like me, no one likes me, you don't want me in this family, and I don't really know how to kind of meet her there, but also I tried to be like playful about it, but I'm not really sure how to handle that, so looking forward to your help. Thanks so much. but I'm not really sure how to handle that. So I'm looking forward to your help. Thanks so much. Hi, Jill.

First of all, your house sounds very similar to my house. Who gets out first? Who gets to sit next to mommy at the table? These things conspire all and get into a place where everything feels so awful. So let's walk through what's really happening here. And I have a bunch of strategies to share with you.

What is happening for a child when getting out of the bathtub first feels so huge? So let's all notice our first reaction, which is stop making such a big deal out of something so small. Just notice that. We all have that thought. I have that thought too. Take a deep breath, say have that thought. I have that thought to. Take a deep breath, say hi to it, maybe ask that thought to step back because I think there's another interpretation we all have. And that's this. If something that's small

can evoke something so big, there must be something underneath that feels really bad. And I think what feels really bad for kids when they're not first is it's almost like when you're second or if you're third you don't matter, right? It's almost like an existential crisis. I need to be first to prove my worth and my place in this family. And when we see it through that light, I think we have more empathy. And it also can allow us to think of a lot of strategies that speak to that underlying struggle.

So let's jump into those. First, play is a great place to help your kid understand what's really going on for them in explosive moments. We can't talk through these situations with our kids. I don't sit down with my six-year-old and say, when you're second coming out of the bath, everything feels so bad. And let's talk through that.

No, my child would say, mom, I don't want to talk to you. You're being so annoying. So what would I do instead? I would speak to these themes in my child's world and a child's world is play. So let's say I'm playing kind of some version of family with my child and we have babies. You can also do this with dinosaurs or trucks

or anything. I might introduce this theme of mattering and order in this way. One baby in the family, my daughter's being another one and I might say this. If I'm not the first one added the door, I'm going to be so mad. I'm going to cry and I'm going to scream, I have to be first, I have to be first, I have to be first, first, first, first, first, first. And then I might just pause and see what my child does. We're not solving anything in play. We're helping our child understand herself in play. The pathway that ends in regulation starts with understanding. Understanding yourself is huge in learning how to manage through your own feelings. So that in and of itself is really powerful, just putting that theme into play. Then I might show some coping in play.

Maybe I would even as that baby say this, oh well I guess I don't have to be first, but I like being first. It kind of feels like I matter more, but I guess I could always tell myself, I matter even when I'm not first. I matter in this family even when I'm not first. Now, that's a mantra. I actually think you can teach your kids. So not in the same day, maybe another time before you do bath time.

You might say something like this. Sometimes it feels like if you're not the first kid to do something like if you're not the first kid taken out of the bath, it's almost like you disappear. I don't remember feeling like that when I was a kid. And I said something to myself. Sometimes that helped. I would take a deep breath.

And I would say, I matter even when I'm not first. I matter in this family even when I'm not first. I don't know. You might try that. You might not help me when I was a kid. It might not help you who knows? Then move on. What am I doing there?

So many things. I'm giving my kid a skill, but kids don't like any skill kind of shove down their throat. So I'm also backing away from it. As soon as I suggested, I might say, oh, that was useful for me. Maybe it is, maybe it's not for you. When I give my child control in the situation,

which always makes a child more likely to try something. Here's another strategy that can really help. Problem solving in advance before you get into the back with your two kids. Name what often happens and then engage your kids with their problem solving skills. It might sound like this. So you know what I'm thinking about before, Beth? I'm already thinking about getting out of Beth

and how it's always so hard both of you want to be first. Hmm, you two are really smart, inventive kids. I wonder if either of you or both of you could think of something we could do that could make the end of bath time a little easier. Hmm, and then I'd look curious as if I don't have an answer. When we give our kids space and kind of trust to problem solve, they often come back at us

with a solution we might not have thought about. I want to add one more thing, kind of has two parts. So you prep your kids, you've built these skills, you're at bath time, and still it's awful. You didn't do anything wrong. This is just how life with kids works. It looks like this in my home as well. What do we do?

I always think survive, talk about it later. Survive, talk about it later. Knowing that sometimes the best thing we can do is just survive is very relieving to me. It reminds me I don't have to have some magic trick. I just need to get through it. That might sound like this. All right, it is time to get out from the bath.

Nothing seems to be feeling good right now. I'm going to take you out. I'm going to take you out. I know that didn't feel good. I also know we'll keep working on this to make things easier. Take a deep breath, tolerate the crying, remind yourself it will end and then and then later when you're calmer, when your child's calmer. Go to your child and narrate what just happened. Ration provides us an amazing opportunity when our bodies are calm. We can form coherence in a moment that was totally incoherent. We can add connection and

regulation to a moment that was alone and dysregulated. So you might go to your child and say, getting out of the bath felt really hard. We've been working on so many things to make that easier. And today was still a really hard moment. That happened sometimes. I took your brother out before you. That felt so awful to you. It says, if he won in some way or as if he was so important and you felt unimportant, and then you cried,

and then I sat with you, and then we calmed our bodies down. And then I just look at my kid and hit say, I love you. You're a good kid who is having a hard time. We'll keep working on this. Our final caller is Britta with a question about her almost seven-year-old. Hi Dr. Becky, this is Britta in Denver, Colorado and I'm calling about my two kiddos who are six and four, actually almost seven and five now. And so my oldest is your typical more anxious people pleaser and my younger one is definitely a deeply feeling kid but this

message is more about my oldest who we find gets very critical and when his younger sister is getting any type of attention he sits there and criticizes her or kind of says not nice things about what she's doing. You know, she's practicing gymnastics and she'll say, oh, that was a bad handstand or you didn't do that right. And, you know, we really try and give him a lot of one-on-one time. And, you know, he obviously really is one that craves. praise and we're working on him being more intrinsically motivated but I really am wondering what to do in that moment when you know sister might be doing handstands and we're just watching we're not necessarily giving her a lot of praise but she's getting attention and he really starts like picking on her and criticizing her and I'm not sure what to

say in that moment to him. So if you could address that, that would be great. Thanks so much. Brita, thank you so much for calling in with this really important kind of example, the story of these times. I know they happen in so many families where it seems like one kid's success is almost like a direct arrow into the other kids ego. And we, as parents, I think we have a lot of vote for us in those moments,

because we think you should be happy for your sister. Why can't you be happy for your brother? And it brings up kind of all types of emotions in us. So the first thing that comes to mind is to prepare your son for the moments that will feel hard when watching his sister perform or succeed. Preparation and practice are some of the best strategies we have to help our kids manage difficult sibling moments. So let's say the next day is a gymnastics meet. Today you might do something like this with your son. You know what I'm thinking about?

I'm thinking about tomorrow when we see your sister's gymnastics. Ooh, that might feel... You know, I feel kind of tough. I get if that would feel really hard. Now, I'm going to come out of the roleplay before I jump back in with more strategies. Why is that important to start with? Already we're doing so much. We're naming a feeling that your child struggles with. We're normalizing it by talking about it without any blame or shame. Already, we're lowering the likelihood of a feeling having to explode out of a child's body in a behavior.

But I'm going to go back to the roleplay because I would go a step further. I wonder what we can do when we're at gymnastics. Ooh, and you maybe have one of those feelings come up. That, ugh, I don't like watching this. There's something about it. I don't like, and ooh, I feel those words coming. I wanna say that is a bad handstand.

What can we do when that comes because I get why it's so hard to watch her? And I think we need to think about this in advance. So we can figure out something that probably feels better to everyone. Because here's the thing that we forget, it doesn't feel great to our kids. For them to say negative things about their sibling. We often think about the impact on the sibling, and that's important too, but it doesn't feel great to our kids. For them to say negative things about their sibling, we often think about the impact on the sibling, and that's important too, but it doesn't feel good to anyone. Kids included to have nasty words fly out of their body,

so we wanna give our kids the opportunity to figure out something else to do in those moments. So here's even where some brains during my come in with your son. I could see myself saying I Wonder if when we're watching your sister do gymnastics if it might feel good for us to I don't know kind of have like a secret handshake or a secret song we sing

Why would this help? Well on some level what I'm doing is I know That my child's reactivity comes from insecurity. Our kids see their siblings as competitors when they're feeling most insecure with their place in the family. And to help neutralize that threat, we want to shore up our kids, not by saying you're great at doing gymnastics too, not by actually getting them back into a comparison, but actually by just letting our kids know we see them, we value them, and they're so special to us as well in their own way.

And just rubbing your kids back or having a secret handshake to do at a gymnastics meet speaks to this core struggle. Then I would practice it and I'd be realistic in the practice. I could see myself doing something like this. I could say, so let's get ready. Oh, I see over there, we have a doll. I'm gonna put the doll upside down in a handstand. And let's get you ready.

Let's say you're looking at this and you feel those words coming, oh, that's a horrible handstand. Maybe even we can try something really tricky. You can even say, that's a horrible hamstand. Maybe even we can try something really tricky. You can even say, that's a huff and stop yourself there. Almost like it's about to come out. And instead you can look at me and we can do that secret handshake. Should we try that?

And then I would actually practice that. And then own kind of the importance yourself. Maybe say, wow, that felt really good. I'm so glad we figured something out. I have a feeling This is going to be really useful tomorrow. Now when the next day comes I might whisper to my child again There's something about whispering that makes our kids feel really seen and special

Especially when we know those jealousy feelings are coming. Oh, I can't wait to do our secret handshake at the gymnastics meet And so you've prepped you've practiced you've given your kid a message that they're a good kid, not a bad kid, and the chances of your child being able to regulate that feeling and that urge so much higher. So Breta, I have one more thought because I I'm a realist, and I know that you still might get to the gymnastics meet, and you said, wow, I did all this stuff, and still my son ends up saying, ah, that was a horrible handstand, and nothing I can do is stopping those words from coming out.

Here's how I would handle it in that moment. I might say, initially, it's hard to would handle it in that moment. I might say initially, it's hard to watch your sister. I know. I also know you can tell me what's going on for you in another way. So I am showing my kid, he's a good kid. I'm seeing the underlying struggle and still setting a boundary both to protect my daughter in that moment, but also to protect my son from continuing to do something that makes him feel like a bad sibling. Now let's say this continues and my child gets totally dysregulated at the gymnastics events and no she's the worst!

I hate being at gymnastics and is really getting out of control. This to me is a time I would say to myself, okay, I just have to survive this moment. Nothing great happens here. And I might even pick my child up, bring my child to the hallway, saying something like this, you're having a hard time being here, we're gonna go out,

we're gonna take a deep breath, we're going to get through this. So let's bring it all together and talk about three main takeaways. One, sibling rivalry is normal, as siblings are competing for what can feel like a scarce resource, a parent's love and attention. The more secure kids feel in their family, security that comes from connection and feeling seen for who they are, the less a sibling feels like a threat, and the less competition there will be.

Two, normalizing a range of feelings about siblings allows kids to regulate the range of feelings they have about siblings. We can never unfield a feeling. We're either prepared for a feeling when it comes or we're not. And when it comes to siblinghood, the more we prepare our kids for feelings of competition, the less likely these feelings will come out

as dysregulated behaviors. Three, narrating is a powerful regulation strategy. Try this one out, especially after an intense moment has passed. Go to your child and share something like this. I'm thinking about what happened with your sister earlier. I came into your room, commented that she did so well in her math test,

and something about that just felt awful to you. Ugh, it can be so hard to have a sister sometimes, right? I received so many questions about siblings that I couldn't answer in this episode. If you're looking for more support to handle the sibling dynamics in your home, check out my siblings workshop where I go into so much more detail about sibling rivalry, jealousy, teasing, aggression, and so much more. Check that out at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Insider. Let's stay connected. At GoodInside.com, you can sign up for workshops

and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at Good Inside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show.

Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you